Anna - Dutch high class international escort

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will

2009-02-09T11:24:00.001+01:00

After I retired 6 months ago, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring so I had to amuse myself in some way while my wife did what most women like to do - browse at a leisurely pace. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used i t as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'And last, but not least .
14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Safe s*x is fun

2009-02-04T14:40:00.001+01:00

What happens if you don't go to church

2009-02-01T14:29:00.002+01:00

Jigsaw puzzle

2009-01-29T14:24:00.000+01:00

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh . . .

(scroll down)

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Speeding in your car

2009-01-27T10:16:00.001+01:00

Romance books for sale!

2009-01-24T10:50:00.000+01:00

Us girls...

2009-01-21T10:44:00.001+01:00

Washing car windows

2009-01-18T10:43:00.000+01:00

Easyjet

2009-01-15T10:42:00.000+01:00

Carwash

2009-01-12T10:38:00.000+01:00

Didn't see that one coming right?

Naughty boy

2009-01-09T10:37:00.000+01:00

Condoms

2009-01-06T10:31:00.001+01:00

Now you see why?

50 things we would love to say at work...

2009-01-03T10:30:00.001+01:00

1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!... Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Mommy is santa?

2008-12-31T10:14:00.001+01:00

A nice video to close the holidayseason ;-)

A legal question

2008-12-30T10:10:00.004+01:00

Is this statutory rape? Or is it just a moosedemeanor?

Faces of pleasure

2008-11-30T16:01:00.001+01:00

The most beautiful face a person can have:

http://www.beautifulagony.com

Enjoy!

My new favorite song

2008-11-09T16:49:00.007+01:00

Listen here to: Do - Take it like a man

If you wanna chase a woman
Then you got to understand
You know they say
That two can play the game
Of catch me if you can

Without any explanation
I will take your world apart
From an open invitation
To a shortgun at your heart

CHORUS:
There's no runnin' away from love
When you hear it call your name
You can never escape the heat
One you dance inside the flame
There's no running away from love
It might be more than you can stand
But if you get it right, it's worth the price
Don't try to fight it, take it like a man

Once you drink the magic potion
Don't go cryin' for the cure
You gotta swim the ocean of my love
If you wanna reach the shore

So when I need some attention
Pour some sugar in my tea
I should never have to mention
How to satisfy my needs

CHORUS

You gotta learn how to put up with me
Cause you know I love to flirt
And in the end the pay-off be sweet
But until then just take it like a man

So when I need some attention
Pour some sugar in my tea
I should never have to mention
How to satisfy my needs

What card are you?

2008-10-29T14:34:00.001+01:00

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Computers; male or female

2008-10-24T00:23:00.002+02:00

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is computer?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem and;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Investment Tips for 2009

2008-10-08T21:18:00.000+02:00

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG BUCKS. Watch for these consolidations in 2009:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally....

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang

Stock Market Update

2008-10-08T21:17:00.000+02:00

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A short-term random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my stock adviser has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

To forward to your own Bank Manager at appropriate time.

2008-09-29T19:33:00.001+02:00

To forward to your own Bank Manager at appropriate time.

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh- and- blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/ she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 To make an appointment to see me.

2 To query a missing payment.

3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7 To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9 To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Sexy biking in Amsterdam

2008-09-07T19:41:00.002+02:00

Curvy models

2008-08-23T14:31:00.000+02:00

Once upon a time...

2008-08-21T17:46:00.000+02:00

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??