Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Independence Day Thoughts and Links

2009-07-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

Random Friday Thoughts on this July 4th Weekend as we remember the Punctured Balloon and his bevy of Vegas Hott:

So if "underground" artists Shepard Farey and Banksy got in a fight, which 1980s ironic image would win? Mike Tyson's Punchout? Or the Commando poster?

"We got both kinds! Country and Western!" With all this Michael Jackson nostalgia over the past week, it's time to remember the true genius of that time: John Landis. He altered my childhood the way a child molesting uncle might. Only instead of fondling my pubescent peepee, I laughed a lot.

I'm off to New Hampshire to hang with nature and pretend there never were forty different brands of spikey hair gel in every Rite-Aid. So here's your abbreviated Friday Links:

The Lohan pics with twits.

Joey from The Real World: Hollywood now has his own website. You can Win a Day with Joey. Next week, you can "Help Joey Pay His Rent."

Speaking of disposable celebs, Megan Fox and 90210 Douche are making a strong case for a 2009 Douchie Award.

I get that retro-nostalgia works on a twenty year roll, but do we really have to nostalgically recall Hammertime?

Ed Hardy now sells toys to kids, including a Remote Control Pirate Ship. I'm torn between lamenting the garishness of our cultural decline, and wanting it.

And finally, say what you will about her annoying pseudo-celeb status, but we gotta give it up to Kardouchian Ass Pear. From a silent aesthetic perspective, those mounds is glorious.

Go forth and celebrate!! It's drinkin' time.

Bucky Gettin' His Party On

2009-07-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

HCwDB of the Week winner, Bucky, has ditched the hat-tilt and brought in the bros, the Goose and the Ubiquitous Red Cup to party this July 4th.

Kathy Hott brought her trampier sister, Layla.

Later, Bucky's gonna show off his belly tatt, which reads either "Sexy God Does Blow" or "Must Love Dogs."

It is on.

What are your plans for the 4th?

Friday Haiku

2009-07-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

Morris and his Bleeth,
Too far gone to be rescued
Five fingers, all poo.

HCwDB in the News

2009-07-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

Your humble narrator is slowing things down for the next few days. Because it's vaca time for the DB1.

The third week of my show, Is She Really Going Out With Him?, is wrapping up on MTV, with 12 original eps having aired so far. The response has been great, all the craziness and creative battles were worth it. Not everything from HCwDB could carry over, but I have a show I'm really proud of. A show that's silly and playful, and mocking the douches as they deserve to be mocked.

In other HCwDB news, my book has officially been optioned, and I'm hard at work this summer writing the script. While the show plays with real world couples, the movie version of HCwDB will be the journey of the book. My journey. And will have lots of boobies and Ass Pear.

But this weekend?

This weekend is for sitting back and doing jack-all squat. Scratching myself in inappropriate places. Rubbing my hairy-ass belly. Drinking cheap wines and consuming way too many calories of chemical Hostess goodness.

In other words, it's just like every other week.

Dehumanism

2009-07-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

The great humanist philosophers, going back to the ancient Greeks, believed that the process of search, the journey to know one's truest self, was the ultimate act.

To find one's place in the world through the pursuit of knowledge, education and an ethical code grounded in awareness and respect for humanity, and nature.

This guy makes me want to punch a poodle in the nads.

Vegas Douchery

2009-07-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

Sign #23 you're a Vegas 'Bag:

When regaring Ass Pear up close, you still remember to tilt your hat.

Skull and Douchebones

2009-07-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

For centuries, young men would court and woo classical porcelain beauties with their poetry, their lyricism, their feats of chivalry and dexterity.

Now?

F@#k all that.

Just get a bad-ass skull-tatt on your neck.

The Tiki Douche II

2009-07-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

Even the Bud Light Totem Pole has to turn away in digust as Tiki Douche macks on another Boardwalk Hott.

Is T.D. making a strong case to appear in the HCwDB of the Week on Monday?

'Bag / Nottabag

2009-07-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

Now before you jump all over me and say of course he's a huge douche!, consider the mitigating factors:

He's in a private house. There's clearly a pool outside.

There's no hand gestures. No garish tatts. The sunglasses and hair-spike are only minimal.

Oh who are we kidding. He's a dripping douche-stain for shaved abs and scrote aura alone.

And we should also agree that while Sonya needs to eat a cheeseburger, she is delightful and well worth celebrating. Even as she fondles her own butt. Or perhaps, because she fondles her own butt.

Clubholio

2009-07-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

Clubholio does not need facial expression. For Clubholio has receding faux and hand gestures. And the merest hint of white douche-belt.

And that is all Clubholio needs to mack on the hotts.

Because Carole and Marilyn hate their day jobs at Jamba Juice, which don't pay squat and the tips are lousy.

So letting Clubholio pull the "dual headlock" is the only way to score them free Appletinis.

Bucky says "Yo"

2009-07-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

Bucky wanted to take a moment in his unpacked basement apartment and straighten his hat tilt and say "Yo" to all the voters here at HCwDB.

Which is his way of saying thanks for awarding him the HCwDB of the Week.

Kathy wanted to show off just how curvy she is, and to tell her daddy she hates him.

EDIT: Bucky / Nottabucky?

HCwDB of the Week: Bucky and Kathy

2009-07-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Bucky Got made game, and he got crazy skillz. And he got Kathy Hott.

The voters spoke, and they spoke big time for this hip-hop wiggachoad and his tanned brunette vixen:

Cheesebagger in Paradouche: This execrable coupling makes me want to punch a baby manatee in the face in front of small children. This power-taint superchoad’s nauseating presence has somehow managed to defile all of humanity in 3 simple photographs. The tats, hats, douchebracelets, Goose, tilts, Full Metal Jacket stare, gloves, plastic pants, and wife-beater have united to form a monstrous tidal wave of douche that makes me want to bleach my mind. Also, Girl From Ipanema hott should be in a shampoo commercial somewhere.

Colassus of Choads: Bucky. Easily. Look at his face

memphis doucheworkers local 421: bucky. the most inappropriate co-mingling contamination mismatch i've seen in years. its like mixing Macallan 25 with Mr Pibb

Chia LaDouche: Bucky FTW. A combination and rage and uncontrollable gag reflex.

Double O Douche: Bucky FTW hes a turd that snaged snatch way above his pay grade due to total douchitude.. and black gloves

Chris in 'Bagdad: BUCKY GOT MAD GAME! And he got mad more as well, with his scroty, barely visible chin pubes, gravity defying douchehat antics, dollar store earrings, and hot hot HOTT! Bucky got it all, including the weekly!

MoeDouche: A pretty close race as every DB has adoring hotts showing off nice assets but Bucky is the DB with most to lose for he is a fugly DB. That hottie will someday wake up next to him and say to herself, " I let THAT scrote poke my virgin ass last night!" and flee into the arms of a DB named "E-Blo"....to our delight the story repeats ad nauseam.

fastfourier: The label is still on the hat. It's got to be Bucky.

Wheezer: what clinches it for him is his attention to the hat tilt: it's at exactly the same angle in all three pics, no matter which hat he's donning, and regardless of macking on Kathy Hott. I'll bet that ubiquitous armoire is full of Axe bodyspray and other hair gel products for choadwanks.

baleen: Bucky, because he simply makes question my own existence.

Anonymous: This combination of Bucky and Kathy is so incongruous as to make me question the existence of God.

Danny Noonan: Bucky FTW. That dude makes me want to eat a porcupine dipped in Habanero Tabasco in one damn bite.

Douche Wayne: Bucky FTW. It's his goddam Swivel Axis 19 Degree Hat Tilt that does it for me. He should be cast in an upcoming Hallmark Channel made-for-tv movie about a mentally challenged welder who rises against all odds blah blah blah blah. And yet Tanned Kathy's smile seems . . . genuine.

Jean Claude Van Douche: The coupling of Bucky and Kathy Hott has even Caligula vomiting profusely in disgust. Bucky FTW.

this is what it sounds like when douches cry: Bucky all the way. Bucky and his hott leave me speechless. Seriously, this is a case of 27 wrongs must make a right, because he's wrong in oh so many ways. 27, to be exact. And she's delicious, like fondue.

Gaijindouche: Bucky, he does for douche what his predecessor, mister Fuller, did for engineering.

Tremendous comments from the always brillliant 'bag hunters and huntresses who power this site with their mock and keep me going on a daily basis. Good work, people.

Coming in a solid second was the Vegas Ass Fondler and his two Ass Pears, The Scrotosaurus:

crazy-sexy-douche: Scrotasaurus Scrotasaurus Scrotasaurus Scrotasaurus... he's a dipshit, he can't throw the peace sign correctly, but his lady-friend in the middle has a lower back, middle back, upper back, side-butt-cheek, shoulder, shoulder blade, neck, jaw, chin and smile that would make me punch an orphan.

Skyler: The Scrotasaurus: I always wash with Ivory Snow... and I would do so again. But The Scrotasaurus is in the way, and that makes me angry. And I would punch him. The Scrotasaurus alone makes me want to punch him for being a douchebag. And that is how I judge.

It was a worthy pic, but no match for the power of Bucky/Kathy. And, in distant third but with support, was the Shmeg Warrior:

Woman: Schmeg Warrior FTW. I want to punch him in the face and make him cry like a bitch!

Rinaldouche: Schmeg Warrior. He fights on even though he knows time is running out...and
he might miss his bus.

Well said, Soccer 'Bag. But it was Bucky/Kathy that were far too douchey/hottie not to win this week. The everpresent anonymous takes us home:

Bucky, fo sho. can't beat the phallic grey goose, the pimpin gloves, and his Crazy Skillz.

Kathy/Bucky for the win (loss) and ascendance (poo). Our first slot in the next Monthly is filled with a deserving HCwDB coupling. Good work, voters.

Morris Action Figure

2009-06-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

Get your Morris action figure!!

Now with Kung Douche Grip!!

(Woo Girls sold seperately)

Star Nipple

2009-06-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

Some star nips cannot be unseen.

The Tiki Douche

2009-06-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

With clockwork certainty, the Tiki Douche can be summoned when the following factors are present:

1. A "Bud Light" Totem Pole, mocking all that was once authentically indigenous to Native American culture.

2. A Brunette Boobie Hottie with winsome face and softy soft boobie boob.

3. Layoffs at the local Jiffy-Lube

Reader Mail: The Lit Bag

2009-06-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

----
Bienvenue DB1,

Just have a question regarding men who do not display physical characteristics of douchebaggery (barbed wire tats, mandannas, kissylips, etc.), but in similar fashion feel the need to put on a peacock-display through imaginary verbal acumen.

For example, say an individual at some sort of social function feels the needs to drop "post-modern zeitgeist" or other bullsh*t verbose words in order to insinuate intellectual superiority in their attempts to impress the hot.

Do these people file under the douchebag category or are the relegated to less harmful categories like pompous, asinine, and ass-clown?

Sincerely,
J
----

All those names apply. Or you can just call me DB1.

Ted: The Ultimate Douche Champion!!

2009-06-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

It's not the bling or hat tilt or Affliction shirt.

It's that douche-face. That's what won him the belt and made Ted the Champion.

The Champion of kitchen poo.

'Splosionhead the Douchebag Got a Posse

2009-06-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

Looks like Saturday's Splosionhead brought in a whole posse of douchebags to mack on Kimmy and Kelly over summer vaca.

There's enough gel in this group of clowns to freeze a hippo in agar.

As to the hotts, Kimmy's body is glorious.

Feminine, yet strong enough to till the soil during harvest season. I would lick her hoop earrings with the angry butter churning motion of a young Amish goatherder who can't find wife.

Suburban Pimp

2009-06-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

It's hard out here for a pimp.

And by out here, I mean suburbia.

And by pimp, I mean Timmy the Clown.

Morris

2009-06-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

Oh Morris.

Your face is like a three day old loaf of pumpernickle rye after being urinated on by feral wolves and then masticated by a toothless billy goat.

Your limp, half-hearted sideways gang sign hand gesture just made a member of the Crips in Compton cry for the father he never knew.

Your kissy lips are a spectral guppy fish sucking the air of future progress out of the ether and converting it to carbon douchoxide.

Poor Caroline.

She just wanted a free drink.

Abstract Fartistry

2009-06-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

What's more fun than macking on a Brunette while sitting on a couch painted by Joan Miró?

Flipping off that bitch who prefers Modigliani.

Yup. Art jokes. On a Monday no less.

I blame too much dextrose.

Three Votes for #2

2009-06-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

All three of the people in this pic voted for #2, as you can tell.

Have you voted in the Weekly yet?

HCwDB of the Week

2009-06-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

Ali bomaye!! Ali bomaye!! It's on.

Here's your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Bucky Got Mad Game (and Crazy Skillz)

What always adds a second layer of crapwaddery to an HCwDB pic is confirmation that the coupling is, indeed, real.

Later that week we learned that not only did Bucky have mad game, but he has crazy skillz.

And the painful pic #3 confirmed this taintball of poseur lick was actually with tanned Kathy Hott.

Kathy Hott has a smile that makes avacados shimmy and grapefruits burst forth with citrus seed.

Bucky needs to be run over by a steam train and then peed on by a titmouse.

Also note the giant welder's gloves as Bucky "Runs with the Goose." A new douche look for 2009? Perhaps.

And the pants? Hammertime.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Shmeg Warrior

This pic has grown on me like a fetid fungus for a number of reasons.

At first, Shmeg felt like your standard Party Choad. Then I looked closer.

The smug pout.

The dipshit hair with frosted tip bonus.

The hint of Vote for Pedro mustache.

The prominent neck bling.

And curling up with him is our Drunk Sorority Hottness, Amanda, with sexy shoulder suckle and dazed "do me" resignation.

She reminds me that we must also pay tribute to Farrah Fawcett, the originary H.C. of the 1970s. A bit before my time, but I hear that poster brought about many to want to Lee her Majors.

And if she is Farrah echo, he's Michael's chimp, Nubbles.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Scrotasaurus

This pic did not get the HCwDB props it deserved when it first appeared last week.

Note two of the hottest, purest, ivory snow ladies that I would salivate on like a drooling brain-addled oxy contin addicted lobotomy patient enraged after watching six straight hours of Mind of Mencia while strapped to a Clockwork Orange torture chair.

And do not let the grin forgive the Scrotasaurus his douchitude. For he is the worst of Vegas pustule.

Clearly this is HCwDB Weekly material. But is this coupling (tripoling?) rank enough to win?

(Dis)honorable mention to Steven King's The Tongue and The Tongue Part 2, Luke Wilson's Tumor, Follywood Squares and Suspenders of Disbelief, each of whom just missed the cut, for varying degress of hottness and douchitude.

So them's your three.

Which rises to the top (bottom) of the scale? That's up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Trust Massingill

2009-06-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

The leader in Vinegar and Water solutions for 73 years!!

Or at least until this guy came along.

Predatorbag Saturday

2009-06-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

If it gels, we can mock it.

Does this alien hunter of douche-prey ever wear a shirt?