Funny Columns

Let the women do the driving

2009-03-02T11:16:00.002-06:00

My wife, Malathi, has a driver's license and thank goodness for that, because if she didn't have one, she wouldn't be able to buy any beer.

You have to be 18 to shop at the liquor store. Malathi is much older than that, but it's still conceivable that a sales clerk might ask her for ID, considering all the liquor fumes in the store. And when you're standing in line with a bunch of hip youngsters, who are listening to their iPods or texting their friends on their iPhones, the last thing you want to be doing is whipping out your passport.

Passports are the uncoolest form of ID. You might as well bring your mother to the store to say, "This is my daughter. She is older than 18. Would you like to see some of her baby pictures?"

Yes, the driver's license comes in handy, though, in Malathi's case, it ought to be called a drinker's license. Not that Malathi drinks a lot. She has a little wine or beer occasionally. A couple of times a month, which means that she does a lot more drinking than driving. Unless you count the type of driving that involves me and a wall.

When she goes to work, she takes the bus. It’s convenient, economical and less stressful. She gets to do some reading on the bus — and more than just all the tattoos.

When we go out as a family, guess who does the driving? Yes, Mr. Imbecile. That’s me. Malathi sits next to me and tells me what I did wrong: “Weren’t you supposed to turn left over there?” “Weren’t you supposed to slow down for the yellow light?” “Weren’t you supposed to stay out of the ditch?”

Just the other day, while we were heading to church, I drove too fast on an icy exit ramp, lost control of our car and ended up in a pile of snow down a slope. Fortunately none of us was hurt, but Malathi gave me a look that said, “Weren’t you supposed to bring your brain with you?”

Despite a few mistakes like that, I think I’m a pretty good driver. I wish Malathi would compliment my driving now and then: “Sensational parallel parking, honey!” “Beautiful U-Turn, Melvin!” “Wonderful job getting out of the ditch!”

Better yet, I’d like her to do more driving, so I can do more complaining. But it rarely happens. Even on long trips, I’m usually doing the driving, and she’s usually doing the sleeping.

It’s so unfair, especially since women are supposed to be better drivers than men. Yes, a number of studies have shown this to be true — and some of these studies, believe it or not, were conducted by men!

The problem, it seems, is that men are always driving under the influence. A few are guilty of driving under the influence of alcohol, but most are guilty of driving under the influence of testosterone.

Scientists are still trying to figure testosterone out, but it's clear the hormone affects male drivers in ways women can't even begin to understand. Consider these situations:

—You are driving down a road when a car zooms past you at a breakneck speed. Female response: "What an idiot! I hope he gets a ticket." Male response: "What an idiot! He thinks his car is faster than mine. I'll show him."

—You accidentally cut off another driver. He shakes his head and blares his horn. Female response: "Oh no, he must be really mad at me. I'd better lower my head and look straight ahead." Male response: "What an idiot! He thinks his horn is louder than mine. I'll show him."

—A driver tries to pass you, but loses control of his car, goes off the road and slams into two trees, knocking them down. Female response: "Oh no, I hope he isn't hurt." Male response: "What an idiot! He thinks his car can knock down more trees than mine. I'll show him."

Photo by Paulo Brabo

Give yourself an edge in the job market

2009-02-09T11:21:00.002-06:00

These are tough economic times in America and elsewhere. If you're like me, you're saving money any way you can. I've cancelled my cable, invested in a good pair of binoculars and started watching my neighbor’s TV. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

In this harsh economic climate, it's important to have a job, any job. But finding a job isn't easy, especially since so many companies are giving their employees –- even the male ones –- pink slips. Competition for jobs is so intense that chess champ Vishwanathan Anand has been flooded with applications, all because someone wrote that he has “good openings.”

With all the competition, it's vital for job seekers to give themselves an edge. That's why I've decided to offer a few tips to help people stand out from the crowd. Some of these tips may seem obvious, but, trust me, they're often overlooked.

Tip #1: Learn to speak English. When the economy was strong, some folks were able to find decent jobs in America by knowing just three words of English: "Me want job." Others, realizing the importance of grammar, tried a little harder: "Me wants job."

These days, three words of English aren't enough to secure a job in any
part of America outside Miami. Job seekers must learn at least six words, particularly these six: "Would you like fries with that?"

They may seem like easy words, but some immigrants really struggle with them. A few have been fired from fast-food restaurants for repeatedly asking customers, "Would you like flies with that?"

The restaurants, as you can imagine, received many customer complaints, such as the one from a West Virginia man who threw his meal at the manager, shouting: “I thought I was getting flies with my burger, not fries."

Tip #2: Go easy on the tattoos and body piercing. Two or three are OK, but when your entire body is green, the only people you’re likely to impress are environmentalists. Well, perhaps a few others too, but they probably won’t offer you a job, unless one of them is a farmer and, with planting season coming around, needs another scarecrow.

(Yes, I know: some tattoos are works of art. In fact, Leonardo Da Vinci first tattooed the Mona Lisa on a friend's backside. Unfortunately nipple rings weren’t common in those days, so he couldn’t hang his friend in a gallery.)

Tip #3: Put your best foot forward at the job interview. This can be hard, especially if your feet look the same. Your friends can probably help you figure out which foot is better, but if you’re still unsure, consult a podiatrist.

Tip #4: Dress for success. Too many people, unfortunately, dress for failure. Don’t expect Chase Bank to hire you if you’re wearing a T-shirt that says “Go bonkers!” The least you can do is change the second ‘o’ to an ‘a.’

Tip #5: Groom yourself well. If you're a man, it's probably a good idea to trim your nails, mustache and any unruly locks of nose hair. If you're a woman, resist the temptation to dye your hair orange –- unless you’re applying for a job as a traffic cone.

Tip #6: Try to smell good. The most important thing you can do to smell good is take a bath, even if you’ve already taken one this year. You can practice water conservation AFTER the interview. A little perfume or cologne would also help, but don’t empty the bottle, unless you want to spend your day reviving the interviewer.

Tip #7: Do some research. Employers are impressed when you know something about them. You might want to find out, for example, what they do. Don't ask the manager of Cracker Barrel how heavy the barrels are. And don't ask the recruiter at Samsung what exactly it was that Sam sung.

Tip #8: Don't do drugs. Most employers test for drugs and if you fail the test, you won't get a second chance, unless you're in the National Football League. If you like to get high several times a week, apply for a job as a flight attendant. It's safer and it won't deplete your bank account. Just be careful how you greet the passengers: “Good morning! Hope you have a good fright!”

Photo by Aaron Edwards

Flight of the Obama relatives

2009-01-08T11:27:00.000-06:00

Kenya Airways Flight KQ102 had just left Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, bound for London. The chief flight attendant, John Mburu, glanced at the manifest and was pleased to see that almost every passenger on the flight was named Obama. There was a George Obama, a Yusuf Obama, a Miriam Obama, even a Sanjay Obama.

They must all be going to the inauguration, Mburu thought. He had heard that Barack Obama had 1,432 relatives in Kenya, twice as many as he did before the election.

It made him feel proud, like he was part of history, serving the new president's relatives on the first leg of their journey. Perhaps, when things were quieter in the cabin, he would ask one of the Obamas if they would bring back a souvenir for him, such as an official 2009 Presidential Inauguration bottle of wine.

He couldn't believe how loud it was in the cabin. It was almost midnight, but there was so much chatter and merriment, he could barely hear the engine of the Boeing 777. He decided to walk slowly down the aisle, pretending to check the overhead compartments, hoping to catch snippets of conversation.

“I don’t understand him at all,” a middle-aged man was saying to another in the first row. “He hasn’t offered us any jobs. What kind of African politician is he?”

“That’s the problem,” the second man said. “He isn’t an African politician. He is an African-American politician.”

“But he is African first, then American. Otherwise he would be American-African.”

“You are right, brother. We need to remind him of that. What position would you like?”

“Oh, that’s easy. United States Ambassador to Kenya. What about you?”

“I want to be Special Envoy to the Oprah Winfrey Show.” They both laughed.

In the fourth row was a young bespectacled man, seated between an attractive woman and a bearded old man.

“He has made all of us proud,” the young man said. “Proud to be Kenyan and proud to be Obamas.”

The old man raised his eyebrows. “You are an Obama too? But you look Indian.”

“I married into the family.”

“He proposed after the election,” the woman said. “He said it was a good omen.”

“No, I said you were a good woman.”

The woman smiled, clutching her husband’s hand. “He is a good man, too. He has even changed his name to Obama. That’s how much he loves me.”

“It’s a good time to be an Obama,” the old man said. “The government treats us well these days.”

“Very true,” the young man said. “They are even providing extra security for my store: Obama Sari and Spice Shop.”

In the 10th row were two men in their fifties. They seemed to be the loudest on the plane.

“Of course, he’ll be a great president,” the man in the aisle seat said. “He’s going to unite the Republicans and Democrats. They are going to be known as Republicrats.”

“We shall see, my friend. We shall see.”

“I really hope he likes my gift.”

“What did you get him?”

“A carving of a Masai warrior. What about you?”

“Three chickens.”

“Three chickens? Where are they?”

“In my suitcase.”

“In your suitcase?!!! Won’t they die?”

“No, I put some holes in it. And some grain for them to eat.”

“But why chickens?”

“Well, the goat would not fit.”

“They have plenty of chickens in America.”

“These are special Kenyan chickens. They run faster than American chickens.”

“What good is that? Do they have a chicken Olympics?”

“No, it is good for our cousin’s health. Before he has a big meal, he will get some exercise.”

The first man laughed. “You think the President of America is going to be chasing chickens at the White House?”

The other man laughed too. “And you think he’s going to unite Republicans and Democrats?”

John Mburu smiled. A bottle of wine would be a good souvenir, he thought, but not as good as a picture of Barack Obama chasing a chicken.

Photo by rh

The principle of making Obama jokes

2008-11-25T16:08:00.000-06:00

A school principal in La Vergne, Tennessee, recently wrote a humor column that poked fun at President-elect Obama and found himself in so much hot water, he decided that it would be wise, as well as efficient, to skip his weekly bath.

Stephen Lewis, principal of Rock Springs Elementary, has been writing a weekly humor column for The Murfreesboro Post for about two years. In fact, it would be accurate to say that he's the Post's principal humor columnist.

But he was virtually unknown outside his county until he wrote his post-election column, in which he did something rather original: created a parody of "The Jeffersons" theme song. In his version, Obama was "movin’ on up ... to a deee-luxe pimp pad," "jetting with P. Diddy" and "chewin’ on the government fat." Obama's supporters and others found it extremely offensive, naturally, that Lewis would even suggest that Obama hangs out with P. Diddy. (Never mind that 10-year-old Malia Obama wears a T-shirt that says "Daddy loves Diddy.")

P. Diddy, for those of you who don't know, is the stage name of a popular rap artist and should not be confused with Diddy P., the question I ask whenever I check my little son's diaper.

Most readers, in truth, didn't mind the Diddy reference, but were outraged by the racial stereotypes that a school principal, of all people, had resorted to. Lewis was soon apologizing to just about everyone: readers, parents, teachers, school board members and pimps. He'll be lucky if he's able to retain his job, his column and his title of "Funniest Principal Alive." (He was also in the running for "Sexiest Principal Alive," but for the 30th consecutive year, it went to Victoria Principal.)

When a student misbehaves, he's sent to the principal's office. When a principal misbehaves, he should be sent to the student's office. Most students don't have offices, of course. They have lockers. I'm sure a student wouldn't mind keeping Lewis inside one for a few hours. He'd learn his lesson pretty quickly, especially if it's a typical male student's locker, filled with books, sneakers and the scent of a never-washed pair of gym socks.

But if we really want to punish Lewis, we should get him to spend the next few months reading all the Internet comments his column provoked:

CoolDude3129: "What an idiot! He shouldn't have apologized. I don't see how it's racist to make jokes about Obama, especially when making jokes about President Bush is a national sport."

EbonyGoddess543: "It's not a national sport, you bonehead. It's an international sport! More popular than soccer."

HotChick89: "Lewis is eight years behind. The White House hasn't been a pimp pad since Bill Clinton left."

EbonyGoddess543: "Yeah, for the last eight years, it has been a chimp pad."

CoolDude3129: "Hey, how come it's okay for you to call Bush a chimp? Artists have been making Bush look like a monkey for eight years, but the moment you put a banana in the same picture as Obama, you're a racist."

EbonyGoddess543: "That's because Bush IS a monkey."

CoolDude 3129:"Shut up, you moron! Don't you know that Bush and Obama have the same size ears?"

EbonyGoddess543: "Yeah, but do they have the same size brains?"

Joe6Pack: "You are the biggest racist in the world!"

EbonyGoddess543: "I'm not a racist. I'm African-American! When black people make fun of white people, it's not racism. It's Def Comedy Jam."

Joe6Pack: "Wait a minute. Obama is half white and half black. Would it be okay to make jokes about half of him?"

EbonyGoddess543: "Of course it would. Just make sure you pick the right half."

Joe6Pack: “Okay, here’s a joke: The right half of Obama wanted to eat a bunch of bananas. The left half said, ‘We’ve been elected president. We need to give a good impression.’ And the right half replied, ‘You’re absolutely right. Do you want to hold the fork or should I?’”

Obama TV: All Obama, all the time

2008-11-12T13:23:00.001-06:00

CHICAGO -- Talk show host Oprah Winfrey has announced a new venture for her company, Harpo Studios: Obama TV (OTV).

"Over the last year or so, I've noticed that America just cannot get enough of Barack Obama and his family, so I thought to myself, 'Why not have a 24-hour network that covers everything Obama?'" Winfrey said, speaking at a press conference in Chicago. "It's a historic time in America and many people have told me that they don't want to miss a single moment of it, except of course when the Oprah Winfrey Show is on."

Financial guru Mani Pundit predicted that OTV would turn Winfrey from a mere billionaire into a zillionaire. "It's a brilliant idea," Pundit said. "CNN's ratings shoot up every time they show anything about Obama. Why else would they have 10 analysts debating whether Obama uses Crest or Colgate?"

Harpo released a tentative daytime schedule for OTV, which will promote itself with the slogan "No drama, just Obama."

6 to 7 a.m. -- Fitness with Obama: Get in shape with a series of moves that the president is promoting, including belt-tightening, budget-stretching and figure-massaging. Just an hour a day will do wonders for your fiscal fitness.

7 to 9 a.m. -- Obama Today: A hard-hitting news show that will keep you informed on all the latest Obama news, including when the president woke up and what he had for breakfast. Regular features on the show include "Obama Agenda," "Eloquent Quote of the Day" and "Kenya Relative Report."

9 to 10 a.m. -- Meet the Dress: Fashion experts discuss the latest dress worn by Michelle Obama. Handbags, shoes and other accessories will also be critiqued. Viewers will have the opportunity to call in and suggest what the First Lady should wear the next day.

10 to 11 a.m. --The Amazing Race: Scenes from the 2008 presidential race, such as the never-before-seen footage of Obama telling his adviser David Axelrod that if he wins the presidency, anything is possible, even the Cubs winning the World Series.

11 to Noon -- Everybody Loves Barack: Public figures such as Magic Johnson, Holly Robinson Peete and Jesse Jackson reveal what the Obama presidency means to them and how much they cried on election night. In the first show, Halle Berry discloses that she cried so much, she had to be treated at the hospital for dehydration.

Noon to 1 p.m. -- Obama Book Club: Nobel Prize-winning author Toni Morrison hosts a discussion of books written about Obama, not just the positive books, but also the extremely positive ones.

1 to 2 p.m. -- Tales of the Underdog: A special White House correspondent will report on the activities of the First Dog. Viewers will hear interesting tidbits on the dog, such as where it slept, what it drank, and how many Republicans it barked at.

2 to 3 p.m. -- Guess Who Came to Dinner: Get the scoop on who was invited to dinner at the White House last night, what they were served and whether any silverware went missing.

3 to 4 p.m. -- Obama's Got Talent: Former classmates of Barack Obama discuss the talents that were evident to them years ago, from his speaking ability to his socializing skills to his knack for staying awake in Medieval History. Viewers will hear many interesting details, such as the fact that Obama's high school teacher wrote on his report card: "Barack is a natural leader. I expect big things from him. Who knows, maybe one day he'll even be elected a church deacon!"

4 to 5 p.m. -- All His Children: What did Sasha and Malia learn in school today? Tune in and find out! Experts will discuss the girls' education and whether their parents made the right choice of school. Other topics include how they dressed to school, what they ate for lunch and whether they spoke to any boys.

5 to 6 p.m. -- Obama.we.are: A must-see show featuring the latest Obama-related music videos by hip-hop artist will.i.am. On Nov. 7, shortly after Obama won the election, the Black Eyed Peas frontman released his hit "It's a New Day." In December, he will release his follow-up hit "It's a New Month." And in January, he will release another hit "It's a New Year."

Oh Mama, it's President Obama!

2008-11-09T19:09:00.000-06:00

As the results trickled in, the tears trickled down. Millions of faces glistened with tears on election night. There were tears of joy, as many Americans celebrated Barack Obama's historic victory; tears of sorrow, as many Americans lamented John McCain's loss; tears of gratitude, as many Americans got down on their knees and thanked God that the presidential race was finally over.

"No more negative ads, no more debates, no more promises they can't keep!" screamed a 40-year-old Detroit man, running into the street in jubilation. "And no more red and blue maps on TV!"

For African-Americans, especially those who had lived through the Civil Rights Era, it was a once-in-ten-lifetimes occasion, one that seemed unimaginable just a couple of years ago. "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it," said an 80-year-old Chicago man, rubbing his eyes. "A black man in the White House! And he's not carrying a broom!"

So surreal was the moment that many Obama supporters attending a victory rally in Chicago turned to their friends and said, "Pinch me. I must be dreaming." There was so much pinching during the night that Chicago Police received reports of 38 missing wallets.

"It was a night of inspiration," said Chicago Mayor Richard Daley. "While Senator Obama and his many supporters were chanting, 'Yes, we can,' a few crooks were also saying, 'Yes, we can.'"

It wasn't just the crooks causing trouble. At least one woman slapped the man beside her, screaming, "I didn't tell you to pinch me THERE!"

But nothing could spoil the night for Obama supporters, nothing could detract from a terrific speech by the soon-to-be 44th President of America, who is slightly more eloquent than the 43rd.

Obama's speech was so magnificent that it even moved a group of Penn State students gathered at a bar in State College, Pennsylvania. "We were so inspired," said junior Mike Williams. "Every time Obama said, 'Yes, we can,' we took another sip."

McCain's concession speech was just as inspiring, full of grace and class, leaving many of his supporters saying "If only."

Supporter: "If only he had made more appearances on Saturday Night Live."

Second supporter: "If only he had picked Joe the Plumber as his running mate."

Third supporter: "If only he had dyed his skin black."

That Obama's skin color was seen by some as an advantage -- and not the formidable obstacle it was expected to be -- is a testament of how much America has changed. Indeed, when young white voters were shown a picture of Obama and asked if he was different from them in any way, 63 percent of them pointed at his ears. They were referring, of course, to the fact that Obama is considered a good listener. It's a quality that endeared him to many female voters. "Too bad he isn't single," one woman said. "I would have voted for him several more times."

Just a few decades ago, African-Americans had to sit at the back of the bus, had to order their food through the back door of the restaurant, had to kowtow to the white folk. Now they're sending one of their own to the whitest of houses.

No wonder a 92-year-old African-American woman in a Cleveland nursing home took her own pulse while watching the Obama victory rally on TV.

"Are you okay?" a nurse asked.

"I'm fine," the woman replied. "For a moment, I thought I had died and gone to heaven."

There's something interesting in every Cabinet

2008-11-04T14:17:00.001-06:00

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, recently announced his new cabinet, giving portfolios of all sorts to 38 people. The cabinet includes Bev Oda, Minister of International Co-operation (formerly known as the Minister of Peace and Goodwill), Rona Ambrose, Minister of Labor (formerly the Minister of Labor and Childbirth), and Jim Prentice, Minister of the Environment (formerly the Minister of Ice and Snow).

Stockwell Day is the Minister of International Trade, which explains why there's a sign inside the Canadian Superstore that says: "Thanks to Stockwell Day, it's a well-stocked day."

Also in the new cabinet are Peter Van Loan, Minister of Public Safety (it's important to keep the public safe) and Christian Paradis, Minister of Public Works (it's important to keep the public working). Van Loan, as you can guess from his name, was also under serious consideration for the position of Minister of Vehicle Rentals.

The cabinet has four ministers in charge of "affairs": Gregory Thompson, Minister of Veterans Affairs, Josee Verner, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs, Lawrence Cannon, Minister of Foreign Affairs, and Chuck Strahl, Minister of Indian Affairs (yes, Indians have affairs too). Cannon's appointment is a significant one, because it's been more than 50 years since Canada used a Cannon to handle Foreign Affairs.

Also appointed to the cabinet are Lisa Raitt, Minister of Natural Resources, Gail Shea, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, and Helena Guergis, Minister of Backyard Pools. Actually, Guergis is Minister of State, Status of Women, a promotion from her previous position: Minister of State, Status of Babes and Honeys.

Cabinet positions vary considerably from one country to the next, as you can imagine. In India, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's Cabinet includes Lalu Prasad, Minister of Railways (also known as the Minister of Train Delays), Priya Ranjan Dasmunsi, Minister of Information and Broadcasting (also known as the Minister of Censorship), and Sis Ram Ola, Minister of Mines (also known as the Minister of Yours).

The cabinet has seven ministers in charge of "affairs," including Pranab Mukherjee, Minister of External Affairs, Shivraj V. Patil, Minister of Home Affairs, P.R. Kyndiah, Minister of Tribal Affairs, and Prem Chand Gupta, Minister of Company Affairs (the most common type of affair).

The minister with the most power is, of course, Sushilkumar Shinde, Minister of Power. But I wouldn't want to mess with Ram Vilas Paswan, Minister of Chemicals and Fertilizers. Nor would I want to tangle with Vayalar Ravi, Minister of Overseas Indian Affairs. I have nothing but awe for a man who oversees Indians overseas.

I also have to tip my hat to Syed Khursheed Shah of Pakistan, who serves as Minister for Labor, Manpower and Overseas Pakistanis. It may seem like an odd combination, but it makes sense: if you don't keep Pakistanis employed and happy, they soon become overseas Pakistanis.

Perhaps the most cutting-edge portfolio belongs to Australia's Stephen Conroy, Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy. I'm not sure what it involves, but it sure sounds impressive, especially the "Digital Economy" part. It would be more impressive, of course, if he were Minister for Broadband, Communications, the Digital Economy and Overseas Australian Affairs with Indians and Pakistanis.

Growing up in Zambia, I was envious of one minister in particular, the Minister of Sports. I wanted that job. Nothing would have been sweeter than attending all the football games, tennis tournaments and, if I could take a pillow along, chess matches.

These days, I'm envious of General Ulises Rosales del Toro of Cuba. He truly has a sweet job: Minister of Sugar.

Come to think of it, India does not have a Minister of Sugar. You'd think the country would at least have a Minister of Sweets. If anyone from the government is reading this, I'd like to offer my services for a much-needed position: Minister of Sweets for Overseas Indians.

The key to a happy marriage: hiring a private detective

2008-11-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

When youngsters ask me for career advice, I tell them to drop whatever they're doing and become private detectives. They'd never run out of clients, especially if they specialize in marriage-related investigations (MRIs).

While the other kind of MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) helps you find out what's wrong with your body, this kind of MRI helps you find out what's wrong with your spouse.

It's increasingly common, in America and other western countries, for married people to hire private detectives to find out if their spouses are being unfaithful.

Detective: "Yes, Mrs. Spitzer, your husband is definitely cheating on you. I got word that he had booked a room at the Ritz-Carlton, so I rushed over there and, 15 minutes later, an attractive young blonde walked out wearing high heels, fishnet stockings and an inviting smile."

Mrs. Spitzer: "What about my husband? When did he leave?"

Detective: "I'm not sure. I went with the blonde into another room. I had to dust her for fingerprints."

In India, people are, seemingly, a little smarter. They hire the private detective BEFORE the wedding. Pre-wedding investigations are so common these days that a man isn't considered an eligible bachelor unless he has several detectives following him around.

Private detectives are usually hired to verify claims made by a prospective bride or groom or their parents. These claims often appear in matrimonial ads, which are sometimes so full of lies and exaggerations, they sound like political speeches. "If you choose me, your life will improve dramatically. Trust me, I am the best man for the job. I will be ready on Day One to satisfy you. I'll balance our budget (I have an MBA from Wharton), I'll improve our healthcare (I have an MD from Harvard) and I'll protect us from anyone who might try to harm us (I have a black belt from Lee's Gym). Forget about the other guys. They aren't as qualified as I am -- and they have too much experience. I've never even looked at a woman. I've been saving myself for you, waiting for you to walk into my life. I'm ready to sweep you off your feet. I'll entrance you like Hrithik Roshan, romance you like Shahrukh Khan, finance you like Mukesh Ambani."

The private detective, of course, tries to uncover any deception. For example:

--- A man claims that he has "never touched a single shot of alcohol in his life." The detective discovers that the man always orders double shots.

--- A woman claims that she "completed her higher education in the UK." The detective discovers that UK stands for University of Kerala.

--- A man claims that he is “earning a six-figure salary monthly.” The detective discovers that two of those figures come after the decimal point.

---A woman claims that she has "a very close relationship with God and I love him dearly." The detective discovers that "God" is short for Godfrey (her boyfriend).

---A man claims that he is a "veterinarian who happens to be a non-vegetarian." The detective discovers that the man is actually a vegetarian who happens to be a non-veterinarian.

---A woman claims that her father "was once a very successful golf professional." The detective discovers that her father was once a very successful Gulf professional -- he worked in Dubai.

I don't want to give you the impression that everyone who writes a matrimonial ad tries to be deceptive. Most of them don't have to try. It just comes naturally. They know which qualities people are seeking and they want to offer those qualities. Women, for example, want to satisfy men who are obsessed with the word "beauty," men who write ads that say: "I am looking for a bride who has outer beauty, as well as exterior beauty."

And men, likewise, want to satisfy women who are obsessed with the word "handsome," women who write ads that say: “I am looking for a man who has a good job and is earning a very handsome salary.”

An elevator ride that's lasted eight years

2008-10-22T13:43:00.001-05:00

My wife and I just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and let me tell you, I haven't been this happy since my dentist announced his retirement. We made it past seven years! Our marriage didn't fall victim to the dreaded seven-year itch, which has broken up more relationships than Jack Daniel's and Johnnie Walker combined. (Trust me, it's not a good idea to combine them.)

Some of you, I know, have been married for more than 50 years and are obviously unimpressed. If you're a man, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years is no big deal. I've been married so long, I've spent a total of eight years just waiting for my wife to get out of the bathroom." If you're a woman, you're probably saying to yourself, "Eight years! That's how long it took my husband to figure out the hooks on my bra."

Well, here's a confession: I'm still trying to figure out a lot of things. For example:

1. When a woman looks at her wardrobe and complains that she has "nothing at all to wear," does she really expect her husband to be concerned about the prospect of her wearing nothing at all?

2. When a woman talks to you during a football game, is it better to just nod your head and pretend you're listening or say something polite such as, "I don't mind if you talk during the game, dear, but please don't expect me to take the cotton balls out of my ears."

3. In which of these situations is it reasonable to say 'no' to a woman? (a) When she asks you to go to a department store to pick up a feminine hygiene product; (b) when she enters a fitting room in a department store and asks you to hold her handbag; or (c) when she enters a fitting room and asks you to pick up a feminine hygiene product while holding her handbag.

Perhaps the biggest thing I'm trying to figure out is how Malathi and I survived eight years. Marriage isn't easy -- at least not for us. Sure, we've had lots of happy moments, but we've also had moments when we wondered if it was better to just divide the children and go our separate ways. And we might have done it too, if one of our three children had agreed to be split in half.

Yes, we've certainly had our ups and downs. Our marriage has been a heart-thumping elevator ride in a skyscraper, with some idiot constantly pushing the button for the basement. I'm pretty sure I know who the idiot is: a British nobleman named Sir Cumstance. Or is it that young lady named Miss Communicate?

A perfect marriage requires perfect partners. I certainly haven't been a perfect husband and I'm sure Malathi would also say, without hesitation, that she hasn't been with the perfect guy.

Well, I'm sure she'd admit to a few mistakes herself. We've both made mistakes and we've both, hopefully, learned from them. I've learned that it's usually a good idea to forgive and forget. Forgiving isn't always easy, but the older you get, the more you can count on forgetting.

I'm so forgetful, I don't even remember why I was upset at Malathi yesterday. I think she complained about my sleeping habits. Or was it my sweeping habits?

Frankly, I don't have time to figure it out. There's a football game coming on and before it starts, I need to rush to the store to buy some feminine hygiene products. And some cotton balls, of course.

Walking to the White House with the senior vote

2008-10-22T13:39:00.000-05:00

It's a Friday evening and the cafeteria at Bethel County Retirement Home in Alaska is noisier than usual, as residents discuss the big news of the day. The two ladies seated in the corner, who often spend meal times grumbling about the lumpy gravy or unmashed potatoes, find themselves drawn into the excitement.

"Did you hear the news?"

"Of course I heard the news, Esther. I'm old, but I'm not deaf. I still can't believe it. Our governor, heading to the White House."

"Not the White House, Mildred. The other house. I dunno what it's called, but I'm sure it's big. Dick Cheney lives there, you know."

"Dick who?"

"Cheney. You know, the guy who shot his friend while hunting."

"Oh, that fella. Is Sarah Palin going to be safe, moving in with him?"

"She's not moving in with him. He's going to move out first."

"Oh, that's a relief. I was starting to wonder whether it was worth it for her to be president."

"Vice-president, Mildred. The only way she'd become president is if John McCain ... you know ... croaks."

"John who?"

"McCain. You know, the guy who's old enough to move here with us."

"Oh, that fella. Why does Palin have to wait for him to die?"

"She's not waiting for him to die. He's the Republican Party's presidential nominee. He chose Palin to be his running mate."

"They're running together? You've got to be kidding me. Does that old man really run?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him run. He's always walking."

"So he chose Palin to be his walking mate?"

"I suppose you could say that. They're walking mates, like you and I."

"Do they walk to the Bingo Hall?"

"No, they walk against the Democrats: Obama and Biden."

"Obama? Who's he?"

"He's the tall black guy who's always on TV but doesn't play basketball."

"Oh, that fella. He's kinda cute. Are you sure he doesn't play basketball?"

"I'm pretty sure. But as my grandson likes to say, the man's got game."

"Whaddya mean? Does he play bridge like us?"

"No, he knows how to campaign. He's already going after the senior citizen vote. I heard he visited a retirement home in Kansas and told 'em he won't tax bingo winnings."

"I'm starting to like him already. That's the best proposal I've ever heard."

"Yeah, and that's not the half of it. He also says he'll offer us a government-funded replacement plan, in case we want to replace our teeth, our hips or even our hair."

"I'd like to replace my daughter-in-law."

"Well, he's probably got a plan for that too. But here's the best part: he says that if he's elected president, he'll make it legal for everyone to drive with their turn signals on at all times."

"That's wonderful. So are you going to vote for him, Esther?"

"I'm not sure. I kinda like McCain. He picked our governor and he knows what it's like to be old. On the other hand, Obama picked a senior citizen, Joseph Biden, as his running mate."

"Does Biden do any actual running?"

"Well, he's like most politicians. He's always running his mouth."

"That's good exercise, Esther. I heard that talking burns one calorie per minute. That's why I'm always talking to myself."

"Biden does that too. He always tries to finish his speeches, even if everyone has left."

"I like to finish what I've started too, except, of course, this lumpy gravy. It's horrible. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the '30s and '40s. Everything was made so well back then."

"So true. That's why I'm leaning toward McCain. He's from our generation and he's determined to win the War on Tourism."

"War on Tourism? What's that?"

"Well, he's going to stop all those tourists from Mexico."

"What about Obama?"

"He's not from Mexico. I think he's from Kenya."

"No, I mean, is he going to win the War on Tourism too?"

"Well, you'll like this, Mildred. I heard him say that he'll not only win the War on Tourism, he'll also win the War on Lumpy Gravy."

"That settles it then. I know who I'm voting for. One candidate is head and shoulders above the other."

"Who's that?"

"John Obama, of course. Who else?"

The Olympics give us reason to hope

2008-08-26T16:11:00.001-05:00

If you're like most people, you didn't watch enough of the Beijing Olympics, partly because there were just too many events happening at the same time and partly because, having a full-time job, you had to spend a little time every morning coughing into the phone.

Considering everything that happened at the Olympics, I probably watched only one percent of the action. I completely missed the badminton and table tennis competition -- they must have been on TV while I was asleep -- and I caught only a little of the rhythmic dancing (Usain Bolt sure knows how to shake it). But I did watch quite a bit of the Jamaican sprint events, as well as the tiny tot gymnastics and the always-popular bikini show (disguised brilliantly as beach volleyball). And I got a thrill out of watching swimmer Michael Phelps make Olympic history, winning eight gold medals and setting a world record for total amount of chest exposure on TV. (Eat your heart out, Janet Jackson.)

These Olympics certainly left us with many unforgettable moments, starting with the spectacular opening ceremony that mesmerized people all over the world, even causing one family in West Virginia to pose for photographs next to their TV screen. I don't know about you, but I won't soon forget the awesome fireworks display, almost too amazing to be true, as well as that cute little girl who did a fabulous job of lip-synching.

Perhaps the most impressive performance at the Olympics belonged to Phelps, who left viewers around the world shaking their heads and asking one question: "How does he do it?" Americans wondered how he manages to break so many world records, while Germans and Russians wondered how he manages to pass all his drug tests.

Some experts debated endlessly whether Phelps is the greatest Olympian ever. As for me, I just had to watch a few of his races to realize that he's the greatest athlete to ever compete in the Olympics wearing Speedos.

Bolt does not wear Speedos, but he's extremely speedy. So speedy, in fact, that he broke the world record in the 100m dash, despite taking a break in the middle to eat some Jamaican jerk chicken. It happened so fast that only sharp-eyed IOC president Jacques Rogge noticed it and made a big issue of the Jamaican jerk.

Bolt and Phelps were phenomenal, but so was Natalie du Toit, the South African swimmer. Du Toit had her left leg amputated at the knee in 2001 after a scooter accident, but kept competing and became the first female amputee to ever qualify for the Olympics. She finished 16th among 24 swimmers in the 10km marathon, ahead of eight swimmers and only about 80 seconds behind the winner. Just imagine what a difference another leg would have made. Yes, those eight swimmers might have beaten her with three.

Du Toit didn't win a medal, but she inspired many people and was part of a great showing by African athletes, who won 40 medals, a record for the continent. Most of the medals came in running, but if you don't think Africans can attack the water as aggressively as Phelps, you should have seen the Kenyans after the marathon. You should have also seen Tunisia's Oussama Mellouli, who won a gold medal in 1500m freestyle, and Zimbabwe's Kirsty Coventry, who won one gold and three silver, causing people in her homeland to name another cluster of babies after her: Backstroke Banda, Goldmedal Gondwe and Swimwell Sakala.

India won three medals in Beijing, including Abhinav Bindra's gold medal in shooting. I'm most proud of the bronze medal that boxer Vijender Kumar won. I never thought an Indian would bring home a medal in boxing, not without breaking into the Cuban hotel rooms. But Vijender did it, and thanks to him, I can finally walk into a boxing gym, put on a pair of gloves and step into the ring, believing that I might be able to hold my own for a few minutes, at least until the other fighter shows up.

That's what the Olympics do -- they give us hope. Hope that we can be like Phelps or Bolt or Kumar. Hope that we can make the most of our abilities, like du Toit. Hope that even if we're short on talent, we can lip-synch our way to fame.

The shot heard around the world

2008-08-14T00:40:00.001-05:00

In case you missed the news, in case you were sleeping under a rock or just got released from Guantanamo, India won its first-ever individual gold medal at the Beijing Olympics, causing 1.1 billion people to jump up and down with joy, touching off a minor earthquake in California and a major interruption in tech support.

Yes, an Indian man won an Olympic gold medal -- and without all his opponents getting injured. Abhinav Bindra, a 25-year-old from Delhi, won first place in the 10m air rifle event, beating 50 other shooters, including that great Albanian marksman Imer Gudschot.

So excited were members of the Indian Olympic Association, so taken in this moment of high-fives and champagne-popping, that some of them checked the official medal table to see if India had moved past America. No such luck, of course, but that didn't stop Indians from celebrating like it was the greatest Olympic achievement ever. And who can blame them? After all, it was their first individual gold medal since India began competing in the Olympics more than a century ago, back in the days when "catapulting" was an official sport.

"The drought is over!" screamed one newspaper's headline, causing even more celebration across the land, particularly in the farming community.

It was a shining moment for India on the world's greatest sporting stage. As one Indian politician eloquently put it, “Abhinav Bindra has shooted us all into glory!”

Almost everyone in India, from the Prime Minister to the church minister, heaped praise on Bindra. Even members of the Indian Astronomers Association, attending a convention in Pune, took a break from the proceedings to applaud the "shooting star."

Congratulatory messages poured into India from all over the world. U.S. presidential candidate John McCain, hoping to endear himself to Indian-American voters, sent a congratulatory card that he said was "from one straight shooter to another."

Indian legislators debated a motion to celebrate Aug. 11 every year as Gold Medal Day. They voted down a proposal to display Bindra's medal at a national museum in Delhi, amid fears that the building would not be able to handle the millions who would come to view it.

The excitement and celebration may have seemed overblown, but not to Indians. "People around the world may not know this," a Chennai man said, "but we Indians really love gold!"

Bindra's victory, combined with shooter Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore's silver medal at the 2004 Olympics, is expected to increase the popularity of shooting in India, drawing thousands of youngsters to shooting competitions and exhibitions during breaks from cricket.

"We want shooting to be more popular in India," said sports administrator Baljit Singh, "but not as popular as it is in America."

Hoping to match the success of TGC (The Golf Channel) in America, media mogul Rupert Murdoch announced that Indian viewers would soon be treated to TSC (The Shooting Channel). It's expected to feature various shooting competitions from around the world, as well as reruns of the American shows "Gunsmoke" and "Have Gun Will Travel."

Rajesh Patel, who has been hired as a TSC analyst, said Bindra's victory will have a lasting impact in India, even on sports announcing. "We're not going to say that someone's performance is 'simply wonderful' anymore," he said. "We're going to say that it's 'simply Bindraful.'"

Schoolchildren for years to come will learn about Bindra, thanks partly to an Indian publisher who has already put out a special alphabet book: "A is for Abhinav. Abhinav is first name of champion. B is for Bindra. Bindra is surname of champion. C is for Chapati. Chapati is food of champion."

Bindra has not just earned a lifetime of adulation, he has become India's most eligible bachelor, receiving a flood of marriage proposals. Said his proud mother: "We have received proposals from North Indians, South Indians, even West Indians."

Indeed, a Trinidad dairy farmer with a 20-year-old daughter offered 1,000 cows in dowry, but Bindra turned down the offer, saying he doesn't want to milk his fame.

That pleased Indian sports fans, who want Bindra to choose his bride carefully, believing that the country's future Olympic glory rests partly on what type of genes his children inherit. Some are even dreaming of a match between Bindra and badminton star Saina Nehwal, an Olympic quarterfinalist. But that would be folly, according to one Indian scientist, who said, "If we match a badmintoner with a shooter, we might end up with a badshooter."

Good spelling saves some yelling

2008-08-14T00:39:00.001-05:00

Because I'm Indian, many people assume I'm good at spelling. After all, six of the last 10 winners of the National Spelling Bee are of Indian descent and three of them are now making millions on the PSA (Professional Spelling Association) tour.

Unfortunately, I'm a terrible speller. It's a good thing I can do a spell-check on my computer or I'd really embrace myself.

Spelling is a good skill to have -- and not just for writers. If you can't spell words correctly, your boss might give you a peace of his mind. And as a result, you won't have any piece of mind.

Spelling is particularly important in certain professions. If you're a tattoo artist, for example, it's a good idea to know how to spell because -- and I'm going out on a limb here -- few of your customers will be former spelling bee champions. Customers can get quite angry when they discover they have a permanent misspelling on their posterior.

Customer: "You idiot! Look what you wrote: 'My hart belongs to Tommy.'"

Tattoo artist (scratching head): "What's wrong with that?"

Customer: "It's supposed to be Tammy!"

Tattoo artist: "No problem, dude. I'll just change the O to an A. It won't look too bad."

Customer: "Okay, man. And I'll do the same with your check -- change the 0 to an A. It won't look too bad."

It can be expensive to remove tattoos, so before you get one, make sure you go to a good tattoo parlor, not one that claims to have the "best artits in town."

The same goes for sign painters. You don't want to be the laughing stock of your neighborhood, even if misspellings can make some signs more effective, such as the one that a property owner put on his gate: "Warning: Trespassers will be prostituted."

A misspelling can hurt a business, confusing or even scaring potential customers. And yet you can find hundreds of misspellings on business signs -- and that's just in New York City. Wherever you live, just look around and you're likely to spot signs like these:

At a carpet warehouse: "Ask us about our low installation rats." (No thanks. I've already complained to the city about all the road dents.)

At a limousine rental business: "We make you feel very impotent." (I'd better bring my pills along.)

At a furniture store: "All our sofas are now on clarence." (Poor Clarence! Someone call 911.)

At an Indian restaurant: "We appreciate our costumers." (Especially the ones dressed like Gandhi.)

At an electrolysis office: "No appointment necessary. Open to the pubic." (Sorry, but mine doesn't read. You'd better invest in a pubic-address system.)

Some of the worst spellers -- aside from teen-agers on the Net -- are people holding signs at public demonstrations. A couple of years ago, during a Martin Luther King Day march in Corpus Christi, Texas, a woman waved a sign that said "I have a draem." That didn't look too bad, actually, compared to the sign beside her, carried by a man who appeared to have raided the local liquor store: "I have de rum."

Swap a kidney, but don't try to buy one

2008-08-14T00:37:00.000-05:00

Anyone want to swap a kidney?

No, I don't need one, but Lois Wilson's husband, Dave, does. The British Columbia woman recently placed an ad on the classified site Craigslist, seeking another couple to swap kidneys with. Basically, if you need a kidney and Lois's kidney happens to match yours, and if your partner can spare a kidney that happens to match Dave's, the kidney swap can take place, as long as the authorities approve and neither kidney files a motion in court.

Thankfully, kidneys can't hire attorneys -- they don't have enough money -- but even so, finding a kidney is a major challenge, almost as difficult as finding a comb in Don King's house.

That's why Lois and others are willing to do swaps. It's officially known as the "live donor paired kidney exchange program" and is legal in at least two provinces in Canada. The "kidney exchange program" is sort of like the "student exchange program" that everyone is familiar with, except that kidneys stay for an indefinite period and are more hard-working.

Kidneys are extremely important to us. According to Wikipedia, kidneys have numerous roles within our bodies, including "excreting waste products, regulating blood pressure, secreting a variety of hormones and ensuring that the spleen feels totally inadequate."

Despite their importance, we tend to take our kidneys for granted. We spend more time thinking about our heart, our lungs and, at least three times a day, our stomach. Even when we go to the bathroom, we hardly ever think of our kidneys, unless we've had too much to drink and run into the towel rack. "Ouch! My kidney!"

Most of us will never have any kidney trouble, will never have to worry about searching for a replacement. We can concentrate on replacing other things, such as our hair, our teeth and our "Hillary for President" bumper sticker.

But if we're unlucky enough to suffer from kidney disease or another serious ailment that requires us to undergo dialysis, we'll know what Dave Wilson and others have to go through. At first, we might be optimistic, saying to ourselves, "Well, at least I don't need a heart transplant. Almost everyone has a spare kidney. All I have to do is find someone with a matching kidney and tell them that if they're kind enough to donate it to me, I won't post naked pictures of them on the Internet."

We'll soon realize, of course, that coercing someone to donate a kidney is illegal. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "All I have to do is find someone with a matching kidney and tell them that if they're kind enough to donate it to me, I'll give them 50 grand, as well as a BMW and a 'Hillary for President' bumper sticker."

We'll soon realize, of course, that buying an organ is illegal, unless it happens to play music. The organ trade, thriving in some parts of the world, often results in the exploitation of poor people. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Exploiting a poor person would make me feel really guilty, so maybe I should try something else: exploiting a rich person."

We'll soon realize, of course, that rich people aren't easily exploited. (They might be tempted with a BMW, but only if it stands for Big Mansion in Waikiki.) Besides, it's illegal too. We wouldn't want to end up behind bars, even if we can impress all the folks there with our transplant scars. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Maybe I can find someone who will give me a kidney out of the goodness of their heart -- or even the goodness of their kidney."

We'll soon realize, of course, that while such noble people exist, unless we have a prior relationship with them, we can't legally have their kidney. No, it goes to the next person on the official waiting list. "Stop cutting in line. Some of us have been waiting seven years," the person says, giving us a glare and motioning us to the back of the line, which stretches all the way around George Foreman. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Maybe the line will get shorter if more people sign up to be organ donors. Or if George signs up for Weight Watchers."

We'll soon realize, of course, that many people are clueless about organ donation. Ask them if they'd like to sign up and they'll shake their heads, saying to themselves, "All I have is a keyboard." Others just want to hang onto their organs, even after they're dead, just in case they need them in the afterlife. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "I'm lucky that I have a close-knit family. I'm sure they'd all be willing to visit me in prison."

Appreciate Mandela while you can

2008-08-14T00:27:00.001-05:00

Nelson Mandela will turn 90 soon and, much to my dismay, his birthday has not been declared an international holiday. I have no choice but to declare it a personal holiday and spend it thinking about Mandela and the great example of his life, while sipping beer on the couch. Let the wife take out the trash.

Wife: "What are you drinking at this time of the day?"

Me: "It's not what I'm drinking that's important. It's what I'm thinking."

Wife: "I know what you're thinking -- that you need to do more drinking."

Me: "No, I'm thinking about Nelson Mandela. Did you know that he spent 27 years in prison, then came out and reconciled with his oppressors? That means that there's still hope for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger."

Wife: "Exactly how much have you had to drink?"

Actually, the only beer I drink is ginger beer. But I do occasionally drink wine and I'm hoping to raise a toast to the great man. Of course, one toast may not be enough. I'll probably have to toast him all day.

Me (raising glass): "To Mandela. May he live until he's 125."

Wife: "Isn't that your 125th toast today?"

Me: "Yeah, but don't worry: I'm going to take a break for breakfast. I'm starving."

Wife: "What are you going to have?"

Me: "Toast, of course. So I can raise it in Mandela's honor."

I hope everyone takes a moment to appreciate Mandela, for he won't be around forever. If you have a chance to see him, don't miss the opportunity. Make a pilgrimage to South Africa, if you have to. If you can't afford the plane ticket, try going there on a raft. Even a piece of Styrofoam might work. Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Mandela is the Gandhi of our time and if you're lucky enough to exchange a few words with him or shake his hand, you'll be able to brag about it for the rest of your life. You'll be the envy of everyone you meet. It'll be better than having tickets to the Wimbledon final. It'll be better than having a backstage pass at a U2 concert. It'll be better than having a child with Tom Brady.

Stranger: "Excuse me, is that the hand that once shook Mandela's hand?"

You (smiling broadly): "Yes, indeed. He put both his hands around it."

Stranger: "Wow, that's amazing. Do you allow people to shake it?"

You: "Yes, of course I do. Will you be using Visa or MasterCard?"

Stranger: "Do you accept cash?"

You: "Cash? This is 2025. Who uses cash anymore?"

Before you travel to South Africa, you need to make sure Mandela will be there. He's in demand all over the world. He has to attend concerts in his honor, unveil statues of himself on every continent and, of course, have tea at Buckingham Palace. He does it all with such grace and class, even whispering to the Queen that she need not bow.

Robert Mugabe, Hosni Mubarak and other leaders could learn from his example. He was elected president of South Africa in 1994 and, after serving one term, decided to step down, though he was only 81. He doesn't need power -- he has something far greater: integrity.

Column: Letter of appreciation to Tiger Woods

2008-08-14T00:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Tiger,

My name is Baldev Singh (no relation to Vijay) and I too play golf. You may have heard of me. Last month, I won the prestigious Iraq Open. Let me tell you, it was an amazing experience. I've never played on a course with so many bunkers. At first, I was reluctant to go to Iraq. But my friend Mahmoud said to me, "Don't worry, Baldev. Everyone has a blast there."

You must be wondering why Baldev, Iraq Open Champion, is writing you. Well, I heard you will not be playing again this year to recover from your knee injury and, on behalf of other professional golfers, I just want to say this: THANK YOU.

Thank you for giving us a chance. We know you could have kept on playing. You won the U.S. Open with an injured leg -- a torn ligament and two stress fractures -- and you could have won the British Open while lying on a stretcher. You could have made us look really bad. You could have made us read headlines like this: "Woods Wins British Open, Returns to Intensive Care Unit."

But instead, you decided to be a generous man. And we are very thankful for that. Phil Mickelson is so grateful, he plans to mention you in his autobiography "Almost the Best." David Toms is so grateful, he plans to compete in the British Open with the letters "DT" (Dedicated to Tiger) on his shirt. Vijay Singh is so grateful, he plans to donate 10 percent of his earnings this year to the Save the Tiger Fund.

We appreciate all you have done for golf, Tiger. Thanks to you, many people are watching golf, even people in Afghanistan who usually prefer to watch goats graze. Thanks to you, golf is considered a real sport, no longer competing for attention with bingo and knitting. Thanks to you, we golfers are now considered athletes. Even John Daly is feeling a little athletic. You should have seen him running after the hot-dog cart.

You have won 14 major championships in the last 12 years. You have won every major tournament at least three times. You have nothing left to prove. That is why, on behalf of other professional golfers, I would like to ask you an important question: Have you ever considered early retirement?

Well, it wouldn't really be "early." After all, you have won 65 tournaments on the PGA tour. It is a significant number because, as you know, most people retire at 65. If I had won 65 tournaments, where do you think you would find me? On an island in the Caribbean, with a Swedish model by my side. You already have the Swedish model; all you need now is an island. There are many islands you can afford to buy. Is Trinidad big enough for you? What about Jamaica?

You have a lovely one-year-old daughter, Sam Alexis. Vijay, Phil and I were touched by the way she reached out to you at the U.S. Open. She couldn't talk, but looking at her expression, it was very clear to us what she was thinking: "Daddy, aren't you tired of hitting that little white ball? Don't you want to spend more time with me?"

You have earned almost $800 million in your career, but just in case you don't have enough money, Vijay, Phil and I have created the Tiger Woods Retirement Fund. We will each contribute 5 percent of our winnings from every tournament you miss. Vijay, bless his heart, has even agreed to take over all your sponsorship deals.

What do you say, Tiger? Do it for your wife. Do it for your daughter. Do it for Baldev, Iraq Open Champion.

Photo by Mike Davis

Obama makes history in more ways than one

2008-06-20T17:03:00.000-05:00

Barack Obama has apparently clinched the Democratic Party's nomination for president, apparently gained enough delegates to ensure that he will run against John McCain to see who will spend the next four years looking totally incompetent.

I say "apparently" because you can never count out Hillary Clinton, even if it appears that she has dropped out of the race. She just never quits. That's why she's still married to Bill, when most women would have sent him packing after the 159th affair. "Let's keep trying," she says to him, words he's soon whispering into another woman's ear.

Yes, Hillary isn't a quitter. So don't be surprised if, between now and Aug. 25, when the Democrats hold their national convention, 100 Obama-supporting super-delegates mysteriously disappear, only to be discovered a year later at a commune in India, doing yoga and meditation.

But let's assume that Obama will be the nominee. It's important to pause and recognize the historical significance of this. It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate whose name begins with 'O.'

Obama is not only making history, he's opening the door for other 'O' candidates. Now you know why Oprah is so thrilled. And why there's so much excitement among the Irish. "It's wonderful," Irish cricketer Niall O'Brien said. "Everyone in Ireland is so happy that O'Bama won."

Another first is worth mentioning, even if it's fairly obvious: it's the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a candidate whose initials are BO. As everyone who has been to college knows, BO stands for beer obsession. Actually, it stands for body odor, which some students specialize in. I know one student who got a degree in it. He had a BA in BO.

In reference to Obama, however, it's obvious what BO stands for: born orator. If his mom were alive, she'd tell us how early he started speaking, how he would keep asking "When's my birthday coming? When's my birthday coming?" and how she'd reply, "Be patient in there! There's two whole months until the delivery date."

Yes, Obama is a great orator, a man who, just by giving a speech, can inspire people to improve themselves. He can inspire old people to embrace new technology, parents to embrace their children, college students to embrace a bar of soap. He can even inspire celebrities: Kiefer Sutherland to embrace abstinence, Oprah to embrace humility, Aishwarya Rai to embrace acting lessons.

Obama's speaking ability is matched by his amazing breadth of knowledge and attention to detail. Partly because he once lived abroad, his knowledge goes well beyond U.S. affairs, which brings us to another first: It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate who knows how to pronounce Pakistan. It's "Pah-kee-stahn," not the way President Bush pronounces it: "Pack-his-bags."

I think there's another significant first about Obama's nomination, but I just can't seem to remember it. What can I say, I'm getting old. Wait a minute ... I think it has something to do with race. Oh, I remember now: It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate who won the egg-and-spoon race in elementary school.

Photo by Steve Rhodes

(Thanks to longtime reader Rob Rachlin for pointing out O'bama's Irish heritage.)

Guidelines for travelers entering America

2008-06-20T16:59:00.001-05:00

A U.S. Appeals Court has ruled that airport officials do not need "reasonable suspicion" to download data from a traveler's laptop or personal electronic storage device and keep it indefinitely. Coincidentally, the Department of Homeland Security has issued new guidelines for people entering America by air:

1. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search all your belongings. This includes all items you are bringing to the United States, as well as items you have left behind. Be prepared to provide your home address, a set of keys and a copy of directions from Google maps.

2. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search your body and your clothing, together or apart.

You may be asked to remove any head covering, including but not limited to: (a) skullcaps; (b) turbans; and (c) toupees.

You may be asked to remove any body covering, including but not limited to: (a) shirts; (b) dresses; and (c) plaster casts.

You may be asked to remove items attached to your head or body, including but not limited to: (a) false teeth; (b) nose rings; and (c) cell phones.

3. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to use various means to detect explosives, drugs or other illegal substances that you may be carrying or have recently consumed.

You may be subject to an X-ray of various body parts, including but not limited to: (a) your stomach; (b) your brain; and (c) your implants.

You may be subject to a thorough and intense dog sniffing. The sniffing may be directed toward but is not limited to: (a) your luggage; (b) your hand baggage; (c) your backside.

If you are afraid of dogs, you have the option of being sniffed by a lion.

You may also be asked to provide samples of fluids for testing, including but not limited to: (a) saliva; (b) urine; and (c) sweat. (The sweat will be collected during the interrogation.)

4. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to collect various data from you.

You may be subject to a collection of identification data from your body, including but not limited to: (a) your fingerprints; (b) a DNA sample; and (c) one of your kidneys.

You may be subject to a series of photographs, including but not limited to: (a) a "getting off the plane" shot; (b) an "entering the terminal" shot; and (c) a "using the restroom" shot.

You may be subject to a series of questions while hooked to a polygraph, including but not limited to: (a) "Did anyone pack your bags for you?" (b) "Have you ever been part of an organization that supports terrorism?" (c) "Do you agree with the statements of Barack Obama's former pastor?"

You may be asked to hand over your laptop computer, cell phone or other electronic storage device so that we may download information for our database, including but not limited to: (a) addresses and phone numbers of your contacts; (b) names of people you have poked on Facebook; and (c) jokes about President Bush you have forwarded.

5. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to implant a Global Positioning System (GPS) inside you. As requested by the American Civil Liberties Union, the GPS system will automatically disintegrate and be absorbed by your body within 100 years.

Please note that you will be allowed to enter the United States only if you are deemed to be a low-risk threat and only if, by the time all the security procedures are taken, your visa has not expired.

Photo by Crashworks

Nothing nice about rice price

2008-06-20T16:55:00.000-05:00

Rice is extremely popular in our household -- and I'm not talking about Condoleezza. I'm talking about the type of rice that looks warm and elegant at a dinner party.

My wife cooks rice almost every day. And when she isn't cooking rice, she's often making something out of rice, such as dosa and idli. She practically survives on rice. That's why I'm concerned about the rising price of rice, even more than the rising price of gas. I need gas to run my car, it's true, but I need rice to run my wife. Sure, she might operate on wheat or corn for a few weeks. But eventually I'd have to take her to the people mechanic.

Me: "She's been very sluggish lately, ever since I started filling her up with wheat and corn."

Doctor: "You're an idiot! Don't you know that she's got a rice engine?"

Me: "A rice engine?"

Doctor: "Yes, she's highly adapted to using rice as an energy source. Putting wheat and corn in her is like putting beer in your car. Only an idiot would do that."

Me: "Yeah, that's true. Lemonade is cheaper. Will she be all right? Is there any permanent damage?"

Doctor: "I'm not sure. Put her on the jack. I'll take a look under her."

Billions of other people share my wife's affinity for rice -- and that's just in India and China. Many people in Asia eat rice (or a rice product) three times a day. For them, it's not just a staple -- it's the entire stapler.

The price of rice has risen so fast, some people are paying twice as much as they did a few weeks ago. They're furious -- and understandably so. Just imagine how college students would feel if, all of a sudden, the price of beer doubled. There'd be riots on campus.

So what's causing the price increase? I attribute it to three factors:

1. Biofuels. Too many farmers are growing corn and other crops to produce biofuels such as ethanol. The farmers association slogan "We put food on your table" has been changed to "Food? Who said anything about food?"

2. Weddings. Too much rice is being thrown at newly weds. We need to change this tradition, which unnecessarily wastes good food. Next time I go to a wedding, I'm throwing fruitcake.

3. Drought. Farmers in some regions have been unable to grow rice and other crops, despite praying day and night to the rain gods. A few desperate farmers have even invited Dustin Hoffman to visit, because they heard he was the "Rain Man."

How dire is the situation? Well, several countries, including India and Vietnam, have stopped exporting rice, while Sam's Club, a division of Wal-Mart, is restricting customers to four bags of jasmine, basmati and long-grain white rice per visit. Four bags. In some Asian households, that's breakfast.

It reminds me of the time I visited a friend's house for dinner.

Friend: "Here's the appetizer. Rice chips."

Me: "Thank you. What's for dinner?"

Friend: "Fried rice with some rice soup. And for dessert we're having rice pudding."

Me: "Yummy! Anything to drink?"

Friend: "Yes, rice wine. It's homemade, like everything else."

Me: "Really? Where did you learn to cook so well?"

Friend: "Rice University."

Photo by Chris Traweek

Olympics triggers protests, boycotts and name-calling

2008-04-21T11:03:00.002-05:00

The 2008 Beijing Olympics have put the spotlight on China, bringing attention to the conflict in Tibet and all the human rights abuses. Protesters disrupted Olympic torch relays in San Francisco and other western cities, many of them holding signs with stern messages for China such as “Free Tibet!” “Stop human rights abuses!” and “Give us cheaper TVs now!”

Indian soccer star Bhaichung Bhutia declined to run with the torch as "my way of standing by the people of Tibet," while actor Aamir Khan vowed to run with the torch "not in support of China" but "with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

Inspired by Khan, long jumper Anju Bobby George announced that she will protest China's human rights abuses by participating in the Beijing Olympics. "I am participating in the Olympics not in support of China," she said, "but with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

She pledged to lie on the ground before every jump, extending her legs outward to form a ‘T.’ “It may look like I’m stretching,” she said. “But I’m showing my support for Tibet.”

Just a day before the torch relay in India, cricket star Sachin Tendulkar pulled out of the event, saying that he had a groin injury. It's believed that he suffered the injury while running away from Tibetan activists.

Indian officials were so worried about protests that they drastically shortened the route of the torch relay, asking Khan to run with it from his bedroom to living room. He handed the torch to tennis star Leander Paes, who took it all the way to the kitchen. Other celebrities then did mini-runs from one appliance to another.

The video was doctored for Chinese television to show Khan and Paes running in front of the Taj Mahal, cheered on by thousands of people, including Mahatma Gandhi.

Meanwhile, CNN's Jack Cafferty is in trouble with the Chinese for calling them "goons and thugs," two of the worst insults that the FCC allows on American TV.

Saying that America imported Chinese-made "junk with the lead paint on them and the poisoned pet food," Cafferty added: "They're basically the same bunch of goons and thugs they've been for the last 50 years.”

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Jiang Yu demanded an apology, saying, "We are shocked at and strongly condemn the evil attack by the CNN anchor on the Chinese people. How dare he call us goons and thugs? Not all of us are goons and thugs."

Indeed, a New York Times investigation has found that only 1 percent of Chinese are goons and thugs -- and all of them work for the government.

Cafferty’s words have upset many of them, according to Jin Yao, president of the National Association of Goons and Thugs. “He say we same goons and thugs for last 50 years,” Yao said. “Is not true. We better goons and thugs than before. We take government course.”

In other news, some folks in Britain are trying their best to boycott everything from China. Harvey Wilson of London has stopped buying toys from China, John Rowling of Oxford has stopped buying electronics from China, and Linda Scott of Birmingham has dumped her boyfriend, Chang Lee.

In Winnipeg, Canada, Gerald Smith, a retired bus driver who spends most of his evenings at the local casino, said he’s getting rid of everything he owns that’s made in China, including all his appliances, furniture, clothes and teeth. Asked if he’s protesting a particular Chinese policy, Smith nodded and pointed to the words on his T-shirt: “Free to bet!”

Photo by Ricardo Ferreira

A vacation you're guaranteed to enjoy

2008-04-09T15:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Parent,

Please forgive this intrusion on your time. I know how busy and challenging life can be when you have children. Kids are such a joy! I have three little ones myself and let me tell you, when I'm at work, I'm constantly looking at my watch, counting how many hours are left before the peace and calm ends.

I went on vacation last year with my wife and kids. We spent seven days in Florida, and when we returned home, I was exhausted. I felt like I had run a marathon. Thankfully, I had to go to work the next day. I was able to recover. It occurred to me that I had just spent thousands of dollars on a vacation that allowed me few moments of rest and relaxation, moments that usually ended with someone pounding on the door and saying, "Dad, come out of there! I need to pee."

That's why I decided to form a new company called Vacation Solution Inc. It's what all parents have been waiting for, the solution to our vacation woes. Yes, now you can have a restful vacation, up to seven days and seven nights in a tropical paradise, with someone else's children. Let some other parents take your problems. I mean, children.

Signing up for one of our relaxing vacations is easy. Just go to our website and pick the children you want to vacation with. You'd better hurry! The best children are going fast. (Mine are still available. If you want to take them for a week in December, I'm offering a free high-definition TV.)

Even if you don't get the best children, don't worry. Chances are, whichever children you get, they'll behave better than your own. How do I know this? Well, it's a scientifically proven fact that children behave up to 28 percent better when they're with adults they don't know. People are always saying to me, "Your children are so well-behaved. They're such angels!" And I say to them, "How would you like a free high-def TV?"

Let's face it: It's hard to be strict with your own kids. They know how to get their way, whether it's putting on a sad face, saying 'please' a hundred times or making so much noise, you can't hear what Oprah is saying. But you can be as strict as you want with someone else's children. They don't know which buttons to push, and even if they did, they'd be too afraid you might leave them in Acapulco.

We recommend that you be tough on them, as tough as a drill sergeant on fresh-faced recruits. Don't think of them as family members. Think of them as young people who have come along to handle your luggage. They can do all sorts of jobs for you: make your bed, wash your clothes, massage your feet.

You might be concerned that someone's going to be really tough on your children. Don't worry. It's only for a short time. Here's the important thing: once they're back from vacation, they'll think you're the greatest parent in the world. Yes, they'll finally learn to appreciate you. They might even kiss your feet.

You might also be concerned that someone else's children, not yours, will appear in your vacation photos, that you won't be able to show them to your friends and family. Don't worry. We've thought of that too. That's why we're offering all our customers a free trial of our professional Photoshop service. Just send us your vacation pictures and we'll make sure your children appear in them. For an extra fee, we'll even put smiles on their faces.

Photo by Utpal Nath

Look up the dissidents, the Olympics are coming

2008-04-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

As the 2008 Summer Olympics approach, many people are scratching their heads and asking, "How in heaven's name was Beijing selected as the host city?" The answer is simple: Beijing was chosen because Baghdad was unavailable. Actually, the International Olympic Committee wanted to encourage China to emulate previous hosts and pursue democratic principles. China, in turn, pledged to be good hosts, promising to make athletes and other guests comfortable and, for at least three weeks, suspend all human rights abuses.

It's a good arrangement, really, opening the door for future Olympics to be held in places such as Tehran, Iran, and Pyongyang, North Korea. I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to the 2020 Guantánamo Bay Olympics. By then, waterboarding will be an official event.

The Beijing Olympics are destined to be the most successful games in Olympic history. And if you don't believe me, just ask any Chinese journalist who isn't in prison. "Best Olympics ever," they will say. "That's what we've been told."

If you're a foreign journalist who disagrees, that's okay. You have the freedom to say what you want, while people in China have the freedom to believe whatever their government lets them.

Go ahead and put your views on the Internet. China does not block all websites, only the ones that discuss dangerous topics such as "democracy," "freedom" and "Tibet." You'll also be glad to know that China does not try to monitor all Internet searches, only the ones that originate within the country.

The Olympics are a great opportunity for China to show the world that it does more than just supply the world with various products. It also hits people over the head with batons. But it really doesn't want to. Some people just insist on putting their heads under the batons. Others insist on getting themselves tortured or sent to prison.

Yang Chunlin insisted on all three. The former factory worker, trying to get land rights for farmers, collected 10,000 signatures for an open letter, then posted it on the Internet with the title "We want human rights, not the Olympics." China had no choice but to come down hard on him, just in case people got the impression that Chinese people lack human rights.

"We don't mind people have human rights," a Chinese official said, "but we don't want people have human wrongs."

China, being a civilized society, doesn't believe in capital punishment. But many people insist on getting executed. They commit all sorts of crimes, including tax evasion and theft, leaving the government no choice but to execute them. China executes more people than the rest of the world combined -- yes, even more than the United States -- but on the bright side, China saves thousands of lives through organ donations.

After hearing about China's treatment of its citizens, you may be concerned about having the Olympics in Beijing. But don't worry, China has promised not to torture or execute any of the athletes.

It may, of course, hit a few of them over the head with a baton.

But then, "Baton hitting" is an exhibition sport at this Olympics.

Obama belongs to all of us

2008-04-09T15:11:00.000-05:00

I have a message for my African-American friends: Stop claiming Barack Obama as one of yours. He's not one of yours. He's one of OURS. In case you haven't checked, Obama isn't just black. He's half-black, half-white and half-Asian. Okay, perhaps he isn't half-Asian, but his step-father was Indonesian, he was raised partly in Indonesia, and most of his clothes are from Asia. So don't you dare laugh when you're driving through Chinatown and see a bumper sticker that says "I'm Voting For Obama. He's Almost Asian!"

If you're Hispanic, you can take pride in him too. Did you know that Obama loves tortilla chips and salsa, and he once sat through an entire Jennifer Lopez movie? Yes, the man has gone to great pains to discover his Hispanic side.

When they make a movie about Obama, you'll see him flying to the White House in a cape, with people gazing up and gasping, "It's a black man! It's a white man! It's everyman!"

Obama identified himself with the African-American community as a young man, partly because he felt a need to belong, and that suits everyone just fine, because we love to put people into neat categories. But his background is quite different from most African-Americans. After all, there aren't many African-Americans who could organize a family reunion and harbor a slight fear that Dick Cheney might show up.

And there aren't many African-Americans who could fly to Africa, host a dinner party for their extended family and have hundreds of people showing up, most of whom are actually related to them.

Obama's late father was Kenyan and his late mother was Kansan. If he's elected to the White House, it will be a momentous, historic occasion, because, as everyone knows, America has never had a Kenyan-Kansan president. Yes, he'll be America's very first K-K president, much to the dismay of the KKK.

Obama has given credit to his white mother for raising him after his father left, writing in his memoir that "what is best in me I owe to her." But despite all that, it's his father's race that seems to define him. "If you have one drop of black blood, you're black," society seems to say. But what if every drop of your blood is red?

Shouldn't we celebrate Obama's mixed heritage, instead of glossing over it, instead of cutting off his mother's side?

The same can be asked about Tiger Woods. Journalists often refer to Tiger as an African-American golfer, except in Thailand, where journalists describe him as "the golfer whose mother is Thai."

According to Wikipedia, Tiger's late father, Earl, was half African-American, one-quarter Chinese and one-quarter Native American, while his mother, Kultida, is half Thai, one-quarter Chinese and one-quarter Dutch. That makes Tiger one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African-American, one-eighth Native American and one-eighth Dutch. And that makes me glad I studied fractions in high school.

Thanks to those lessons, I've figured out that Tiger is -- drum roll please! -- twice as much Asian as African-American. But not many people know that. If they made a movie about him, it would be called "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Asian."

Tiger, quite smartly, considers himself “Cablinasian” (a combination of Caucasian, Black, American-Indian and Asian.) He's not just a great golfer, but also a great role model, making so many people proud, especially those in the Cablinasian community. You may not know this, but for 10 consecutive years, they've selected him as "Cablinasian of the Year."

Tiger has a unique genetic makeup -- and so does each of us, no matter our racial background. Obama owes his not just to his father, but also his mother. That's why it puzzles me that 92 percent of blacks supported him in the Mississippi primary, but only 26 percent of whites did.

Why such a racial divide over a candidate who's half-this and half-that?

The billionaire's house that's helping everyone

2008-04-09T15:08:00.000-05:00

What kind of house does a billionaire build? Well, if you're Bill Gates, you build a $100 million, high-tech house that's full of modern amenities, such as a 17-by-60-foot swimming pool that plays music underwater, a reception hall that seats 150 people and an underground shelter in case the maids and gardeners need to hide from immigration.

If you're Mukesh Ambani, the Indian industrialist, you build a house that has 27 floors, a parking garage for 168 imported cars, and three helipads, so you don't have to drive any of those cars. At least not until they build special lanes for billionaires.

Ambani's house, named Antilla and sprouting on Mumbai's Altamount Road, is costing hundreds of millions of dollars -- as much as $1 billion, according to some reports -- but that's no major burden for one of the richest men in the world. How rich is he? He's rich enough to contribute millions of dollars to Bill and Hillary Clinton, if only politicians weren't so ethical. He's rich enough to buy his very own island in the Pacific, if only Australia were for sale. He's rich enough to immunize and educate millions of Indian children, if only Bill Gates weren't doing that already.

There are many ways to contribute to society, many ways to help the disadvantaged, and one of the ways Ambani is doing it, his supporters have me convinced, is by building a huge house. So before you judge him, before you label his house an appalling and outrageous display of wealth, you need to look at the positive impact the house will have on thousands, if not millions, of Indians. Indeed, some people are already calling it the Mother Teresa of Houses.

Among the first to benefit, of course, are the people involved in the construction, not just the architects, engineers and other high-skilled workers, but also scores of laborers. Not only have they earned a paycheck for a couple of years, they will always walk past the house with pride, in much the same way that the workers in ancient Egypt walked past the pyramids.

Many have improved their lives by working on the Ambani house. A laborer named Arunath, for example, has managed to move his family from a one-room, ramshackle house in a Mumbai slum to a two-room, ramshackle house in a Mumbai slum. That may not seem like a big improvement, but small steps are important, which is why the Ambanis are making theirs out of marble. It symbolizes the progress that everyone is making.

While the house will be the principal residence for Ambani, his wife, Neeta, their three children and Ambani's mother, it will also give comfort and shelter to numerous servants and others. And let's not forget that the house, at a height of 27 stories, will also provide shade to any pavement dwellers nearby. (If they happen to enter the opulent neighborhood.) To the delight of animal activists, the building is also likely to offer a resting spot for pigeons and other weary birds.

The Ambanis are expected to employ 600 people in the house. They have created many of these jobs for the sole purpose of giving people an opportunity to work and gain a sense of self-worth. The indoor swimming pool, for example, is being built largely as a means to employ a lifeguard, pool boy and margarita server. Ambani has collected so many imported cars in order to give work to drivers, mechanics and insurance salesmen. Neeta has been just as benevolent.

Neeta: "I want to find work for two more people, make a difference in two more lives."

Mukesh: "If you buy a hundred more shoes and handbags, you can hire another wardrobe attendant."

Neeta: "Good idea. If I have two wardrobe attendants, then I could create another position: supervisor of wardrobe attendants. ... Let me call Isha ... Isha, let's go shopping. We need to help more people!"

When your goal is to employ hundreds of people, you have to come up with some ingenious ways to keep them occupied. Hence such creative job titles as "pantry organizer," "panty organizer," "pant organizer" and "pan organizer." And, of course, "paan organizer."

In the adult bathrooms, they'll have jobs such as "perfume sprayer," "teeth polisher" and "grey hair snipper." In the children's bathrooms, they'll have "hair comber," "face washer" and "pimple cream applier."

Perhaps the building's biggest role will be to serve as a source of pride and motivation for millions of Indians, particularly children. Inspired by the Ambani house, many of them will be eager to take advantage of Bill Gates' educational programs.

Together, the two billionaires are making a huge difference.

Too old to rule? Only if you drool

2008-04-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

Fidel Castro ruled Cuba for almost 50 years, but the 81-year-old is ailing, so it's not surprising that the presidency of the country has been officially passed to his youthful brother Raul, who is only 76.

Raul's top vice president, Jose Ramon Machado, is young too. The revolutionary leader is only 77. The other five vice presidents are 56, 80, 68, 63 and 71. If you're good at math, you've already figured out that the average age of Cuba's top seven leaders is 70. And you've also realized that there must be something wrong with a political system that doesn't give opportunities to people in their late eighties and nineties.

If you're 93 and want to hold a top political post, you should be given a chance. I say this because one of my readers, Ernestine "Ernie" Stripe, is 93 and she would make a fine Cuban vice president. (If you're reading this Raul, please appoint Ernie as one of your vice presidents, so people do not accuse you of age discrimination.)

Just because you're old, it doesn't mean you can't be a good leader. Old people have a lot of wisdom and they also have lots of experience doing what politicians do the most: sitting around and talking. They're also good at shaking hands and waving.

If you don't think those are important skills, you probably don't follow politics closely. You probably didn't pay attention to President Bush's recent trip to Africa, in which he and several other presidents did a whole lot of "sitting around and talking." In Tanzania, for example, Bush sat around and talked to President Jakaya Kikwete.

Kikwete: "Welcome to Tanzania, President Bush."

Bush: "Thank you, President Kikwete. Things have changed a lot since the last time I was in West Africa."

Kikwete: "Yes, things have changed in East Africa too."

Bush: "I'm pleased to hear that. I will be going there next."

Kikwete: "I have some gifts for you, specially from our country: a stuffed leopard and lion, and a zebra skin."

Bush: "Thank you. I have a gift for you, specially from our country: a pair of Shaquille O'Neal basketball shoes."

Kikwete: "Thank you. They will be a good addition to my house."

Bush: "Yes, I suppose so. But don't you already have enough guest rooms?"

As you can see, Bush is getting good at this. He has seven years of experience. At 61, he's at an age where he can keep a conversation going with anyone, even himself. Just imagine how good he'll be in 20 years. But instead of bringing his wise leadership to America, he'll be bringing it to the Crawford, Texas, Shuffleboard Team.

Even at 81, Bush would be younger than one of the most successful leaders in Canada: Hazel McCallion. She's 87 and is serving her 11th consecutive term as mayor of Mississauga, Ontario. Forget the rocking chair, she's got city councilors to scare.

My motherland, India, loves old politicians. The current president, Pratibha Patil, is 72. The previous four presidents, Abdul Kalam, K.R. Narayanan, S.D. Sharma and R. Venkataraman, were 70, 76, 73 and 76 respectively. Dr. Kalam was the youngster of the bunch, barely making the cut. Had he been 69, we would have known him as just another eccentric scientist.

Let's face it: Age is just a number. At least that's what Mick Jagger says to all the schoolgirls.

Age is often an asset, not a handicap. John McCain, the Republican Party's presidential nominee, is 71 years old and has been through a lot in his life, including being a prisoner of war. That's got to be a major asset.

Don't tell me he's too old to be president. If anything, he might be too young.

Photo by Marcn