Teller of Truths

Moving Day and Porn

2009-05-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

I am moving out of Grand Forks, and heading to the big city! Well, no, not really- I'm actually just heading to Minneapolis/ St. Paul. But, bigger city at least :).

Over at Punkassblog, there's a great discussion going on about porn; who looks at it, the type consumed, and what it says for the feminist movement. Now, I'm a pretty sex-positive feminist: I look at porn, and I would never advocate for it to be banned, though I do think that misogynistic porn is still bad (wow, is that a simplistic analysis). But I wasn't always like this.

When packing up, you find weird things. One of the things I found was a planner from my senior year of high school, which I brought to college because I thought I would use the "quick fact sheet" in the front (FYI, I did not. You almost never use that stuff you learn in school, particularly in mathematics, unless that's what you go into.) And, I found in the back of it a conversation that I had with a friend of mine, that just so happened to be about porn.

A- "You wanna go to Minot tonight? Pleasure Palace here we come! You're 18 now, we have to go!"

Me- I have absolutely no desire to go to porno areas. I'll allow, but not participate. Besides, if I wanted to, I could get the real thing.

God, I was a snot. At this time in my life I was full on in my "saving myself for marriage, it's against God's will to pleasure myself", la la la, hypocritical bullshit. This was even more hypocritical when at this time in my life, I didn't believe a single word of it- god was no more real to me than the tooth fairy, but I wanted everyone to believe I was a good person, and the easiest way to do that was to be a "Good Christian Girl" (TM). I might have not masturbated, nor had sex, but my boyfriend and I had done everything but have sex. We would get all hot and heavy, and stop when I really wanted it, then congratulate myself on this restraint.

Possible TMI warning- but that vaunted virginity lasted about one year after this conversation. Guess I wasn't saving myself for marriage- I was saving myself for college.

Guest post

2009-02-13T15:36:00.000-08:00

Lisa KS, one of my fellow PABs, would also like to put her story up to the cold, calculating stare of the internet. So, without further ado: The Wall.

Look, said one of Joni's squadmates, elbowing her sharply in the ribs. Look at him! Joni looked, past the pointing finger to the object of its focus. At first she saw nothing out of the ordinary: a recruit, a noob by the looks of his half-mown skull and skeletal frame, standing just inside the mess hall entrance. He did look even sicker than usual—her attention sharpened as she realized what it was about him that gave that impression, and her squadmate hissed into her ear again—Ain't never seen anybody that white!

He was white. He was white as a bleached sheet, white as the moon—Joni watched him sidle over to the food line; he was elbowed aside and stepped back after a moment, then tried again. He was allowed to stay that time, but now that she was paying attention, Joni noticed that he was standing in line with vets. Not noobs. She didn't have to try to remember if she ever did that, fresh out of training; she hadn't. Like everyone else, she had stuck with her own cycle. That first group that had shoved him back out of line—her eyes tracked them farther up and found them—noobs. Probably his noobs.

It happened that way sometimes, that everybody in a cycle took a dislike to one in particular. It wasn't often—it hadn't happened in Joni's cycle, two years ago—and she had only heard of it happening once since, though it might've happened more; she didn't pay much attention to the noob cycles. The one she'd heard of hadn't made it out of training. Accidents happened.

He looked like a corpse shuffling along in a line with the living. Joni tried to concentrate on her food—she had a shift outside coming up—but her attention kept wandering back to him. He didn't sit with any noobs, either—which meant he couldn't sit with anybody, and he ate standing up, next to the disposals. A few other people did too; somebody was always running late or in a hurry for some other reason. She watched him out of the corner of her eye as he finished up, dumped his tray and walked quickly out the door. Then she forgot about him.

* * * * *

Joni stood in formation with the rest of the squad, idly wondering what the day would bring—she was reasonably sure they wouldn't have to go outside again til next week at the earliest, and therefore didn't really care what assignment the squad pulled—when the platoon sergeant came striding into the briefing bay, the white noob of the day before trailing at his heels. Joni stared. The platoon sergeant rarely came to squad briefings. He certainly didn't escort noobs around the barracks. But there he was, and so was the noob.

He didn't leave them in suspense long. "Shut up," he advised, though the entire squad already had as soon as he'd entered, in unison as if slapped in its collective face. "This is Barkley. He's new. Treat him right." The platoon sergeant glanced down at his clipboard. "Johnson. He's yours. You're on garbage patrol. Take him with you, then get him settled down for the night."

He left. The noob walked over and stood gingerly at Joni's left shoulder. An explosive snort of laughter from in front of her woke her up sufficiently to wipe the horrified expression off her face and roughly settle the noob—Barkley—into proper position beside her. She didn't look at his face, but he was compliant enough; his uniform shirt, rough under her palms, felt like anyone else's. She stared straight ahead through the squad sergeant's arrival and assignments and token lecture on behavior, then motioned him to follow her with a jerk of her head. She was aware of the stares directed at her back and hated them, though she made a conscious effort not to hate the noob. It might not be his fault, the way his cycle obviously was about him, even his presence here. She preferred to reserve judgement.

Even if it killed her. She grimly ignored the catcalls and snickers as she marched the noob to her room; she'd known she was going to get a new roommate sooner than later, nobody ever got to keep a single for long.

His gear was strewn across her bed. She took a deep breath, turned, and met the noob's stare head-on. He was staring. She managed not to glare back. "That's the open bed," she said, civilly, and nodded at the unoccupied bunk a few feet away. He gathered up his belongings, neatly enough, and carried them over and began stowing them away. Joni gave up any pretense of doing anything else and just sat cross-legged on her mattress and watched.

He didn't look particularly weak, and at least he wasn't so hesitant now as he tucked his gear in the wall locker beside the bed. His bed. She swallowed a sigh. Best to get everything out in the open up front—"Barkley," she said. He turned, a little too quickly. His eyes were large and hazel-brown. His hair was hazel-brown too; lots of people had that color hair, that color eyes. It was just his skin, that dead white-on-white that drew the eye, that unsettled. "What's your problem?"

"What?" he said. The word was toneless, his face expressionless—not like a deliberate mask, just a shocked-numb one.

"Why are you here?"

He paused, inhaled. "I was assigned here—"

"Don't," said Joni conversationally. "I saw you in the mess hall yesterday." He flinched. "Why are you here?"

Something went out of him, maybe fight, maybe just fear; his shoulders sagged and he sat down heavily on his new bed. His eyes never left her face but the tension around them, and in his mouth, relaxed. "I guess it doesn't matter," he said. "I'm stuck here now. You can do what you want to me."

She didn't want to—it would probably scare him all over again—but she couldn't help quirking her mouth up at him. He was noob-skinny and noob-ignorant; she'd been out on the perimeter for over two years; there was no question who'd come out on top if they got into it—but still—"You're a foot taller than me," she remarked. "It'd look funny."

He clearly couldn't believe she was joking, even a little, so she stopped. He was still a very unknown quantity anyway; it'd be sick if she let her sense of humor get her hurt. "Talk," she said. "Why…are…you…here?"

"They were probably going to kill me," he said. He took a deep breath. "They—figured out I'm different. Not exactly how, but they hate it." Another deep breath. "I don't blame them."

I would, Joni thought. Her eyes narrowed. "Why not?"

Now he did look a little scared, though she thought he was trying not to show it. "I'm not from the inner city," he said finally.

Joni felt stupid. Of course he wasn't. A piece fell into place, one of the ways he had—
that careful way he had of speaking—they all had to speak properly, of course, around sergeants and officers, and Joni had adopted some of it as a matter of course because she didn't care enough to maintain the speech patterns of her birth. But he was being careful not to sound more proper than he had to.

"It isn't just that," Joni said—involuntarily; she had spoken her thoughts more aloud than she'd intended. He was very tense now, and still. "What else?"

"Nobody knows anything else."

Normally, she'd have dropped whatever line of questioning she was engaging in right there. People's business was their own past a certain point. But her self-preservation instincts were fully engaged now; he was her roomie and more, had been assigned to her specifically; they were going to be associated together now in the minds of everyone else, and damned if she was going to end up dead without knowing why. Or, more likely, find herself having to arrange an accident for someone else without knowing why. Instead, she shook her head, and forced her face into a hard, dangerous mask. It wasn't natural to her, but it was effective, she knew. "No," she said. "You'd best tell me." She took a chance. "This is your last stop, isn't it? On the one-way train to hell. This doesn't work out for you, nobody's going to care why."

She'd hit home; that was obvious. He stood up; so did she. He really was unusually tall, but so fine-boned it wasn't obvious without standing right next to him. She was only a few feet away from him now, but she didn't feel threatened. She felt like she could break him in half instead, and the feeling made her nauseous. "Maybe you'll kill me instead," he said.

She jerked back; she couldn't help it. "No," she said. "I won't. Not if whatever it is won't hurt or kill me first." What was wrong with him? A disease? They wouldn't have let him in the militia if he had something communicable—

"I'm not from the inner city," he said again, and then, "I'm not from the outer neighborhoods, either."

Joni stared at him. There was nowhere else to be from and be here.

"—I'm from the towers," he said. His tone was weirdly conversational.

"You're crazy!" It was horrible though, how the idea made sense, how it fit in with everything about him—

"No," he said. "Or yes, for coming here."

* * * * *

They pulled garbage patrol for the next two days, she and Barkley; he was docile and uncomplaining, although she was careful not to give him an unfair share of the work in either direction. Two or three times she had been tempted to push him into doing something really crappy—it was when she believed his astonishing assertion the most that she was seized with those sudden desires to order him to do something she knew he shouldn't be doing. Garbage patrol was one of the easiest jobs there was inside, but there were still a few parts that weren't really safe. Nobody gave noobs those parts; it was pointless cruelty, and for those who weren't adverse to pointless cruelty, it was a waste of future resources that might someday save their own hides. Still, a few times, she had felt like doing it. It took her a long way towards understanding why his cycle hadn't wanted him around. They obviously hadn't figured out his real secret—he really would have been dead already—but they'd sensed enough, smelled enough of it to hate him anyway.

Off-day rolled around and Joni dragged him out of the barracks and into the perimeter town for a break. He hadn't wanted to go, though he never came out and said so; it was just like tugging and cajoling at a reluctant rock. However, Joni had perfected the art of uncomprehending denseness herself years before and wasn't about to be outdone by an amateur. After kicking him into the changing closet with a set of civ clothes that were more boring than the most boring civ clothes she'd ever seen in her life, she changed herself and waited until he tentatively emerged and walked over to stand in front of her.

He looked like a sickly noob in boring civ clothes, and even whiter than usual. She sighed. "C'mon," she said. "Let's go."

"Joni," he said. She stopped moving toward the door, startled. He hadn't addressed her even as Johnson since the day they'd met. He must have overheard somebody else calling her that. "Joni, I don't want to go."

"Yeah, I figured that out." They stared at each other in silence. Finally, she said, "I do want to go out. I need to. I hate this room, sometimes."

Whatever else he was, he wasn't stupid. He had to know she couldn't just leave him there alone, not when they'd just been assigned together. Not if he didn't want to be a target all over again. She tried to read his face, his eyes, but still couldn't. It was enough, though, that he relaxed his stance and when she stepped toward the door again, he followed.

She didn't take him to where the squad usually hung out; she wasn't quite ready for that. There were a lot of places in the perimeter town to go, to drink, to just forget life for a little while—she took him to one of those, barely more than a hole with three walls and only half a roof; fairly packed already but she found an unoccupied corner and dialed up two beers from the tiny table dispenser. The music wasn't much more than a heavy beat with a periodic wail like a feral cat's. Joni liked it; it was ugly and mindless and soothing. Like the beer. She finished her first and ordered a second.

Barkley took small sips of his, steadily. She wasn't sure exactly when they started talking, except that it was sometime into her third beer. She thought he was on number two, though it was hard to tell at the rate he drank. She was a little high; maybe he was too. He was smiling occasionally now, and it made his face entirely different. Beautiful—if he'd been a girl, and not so eerily pale, he really would have been beautiful, with his fine and perfectly symmetrical features, full lips and big hazel eyes. She firmly pushed that observation away. That was trouble of the absolute last kind she needed.

Hours later it was his turn to steer her, back to the barracks. The corridors were mostly deserted, and the few people still in them were far too drunk to care what they looked like. Still, it struck her as extremely funny that their usual roles were reversed; she tried to explain that to him, in-between fits of the giggles, but he either didn't understand her or didn't find it as funny as she did.

Back in the room and sitting on their beds, cross-legged and facing each other—like two Buddhas she had seen once at a bazaar in the inner city. She smiled.

"How old are you?" he asked suddenly. She blinked hard at him, trying to steady her focus. He was blurred at the edges; it made him glow a little, like her initial fancy of him in the mess hall line, the first time she'd seen him.

"What?" she said, then focused on the question. "Oh. I don't know. They give you a birthday after your medical exam. You know." She peered at him across the few feet separating them, then remembered. It sobered her up a little. "I guess you do know yours, huh? They didn't have to give you one?"

Free Thread

2009-02-13T09:42:00.000-08:00

If you have anything you want to talk about, here's the place to do it. Meaning of life, god, whatever, let's use this comment thread.

My Mom Thinks I'm Talented, Surely You Will Too

2009-02-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

Hi all.

I know this is generally a political blog, but hey, it's mine so I can do what I want in it. I have been working lately on a fantasy story. I think I've finished the first chapter, and would like the editorial feedback of the void. (Note, Blogger apparently does not like Copy and Paste from Word, so the formatting is a little funky).

It was a dark and stormy night-

“-and WET! Skye, why are we out in the middle of this goddess-forsaken forest in the middle of the Dark One’s NIGHT?” whined a high-pitched voice that was strangely musical, like listening to the tinkling of bells, if those bells were annoyed and petulant.
“I think the better question, Della, is when are you going to realize that whining about our condition is not going to improve it any?” said a brisk, professional voice that was just this edge of annoyed. “Besides, Fluffy tells me that there’s a settlement not too far up ahead. We can rest there”.
“I can’t even FLY in this weather!” Della moaned. “Why can’t I ride on Fluffy’s head?”
“Because,” Skye explained with the degrading patience of one who has had to repeat herself “The last time you tried to do that, he tried to eat you.”
“Maybe I should do that anyway” Della mumbled. “It may smell like dog breathe, but I bet it’s dryer in his mouth”.
Fluffy snapped his tail at the little pixie riding on his back, who stuck out her tongue in response, a pointless endeavor since she was invisible.
“Stupid little pup, I have all the power of the universe at my finger tips, why I could-”
“Hush, oh-ye-who-complains” Skye commanded. “There’s a village right up there. We’ll spend the night at an inn”.
The community that Skye referred to was a group of houses that could barely be referred to as a “village”. A wooden wall, weathered and faded with loose boards ran around the length of the community, the barest protection against wolves and other wild beasts. A sleepy guard, who looked like he would let all of the underworld in if it meant he could get out of the rain and in front of a warm fire, did the barest of inspections on Skye’s face before opening the gate. The main road was wide enough for two horses to pass side by side, if the riders weren’t too wide, and currently was less a road and more of a muddy swimming hole. The houses, much like the gate, were weather-worn and faded, but unlike the gate well-maintained and white washed. Reddish-orange glows seeped out through the windows, promising warmth and comfort against the miserable grey rain and wind. There were very few people out during this weather, and the ones who were out were bent over against the wind, hurrying to get out of the weather again.
Skye took the supplies off of Fluffy, and slung them over her back, as Della, who was still invisible, flung open the inn door. The innkeeper saw the door open, and thinking the wind blew it open, went to go shut it. Once he was upon, the door, he looked up and saw Skye and her mount. “You can’t keep that here,” said the innkeeper with a note of panic. “I’d be afraid it’d eat the horses”.
Fluffy snorted at the innkeeper. Skye gave him a look that clearly communicated “Behave” and to the innkeeper said “No worries, he will keep to himself.” With another look, Fluffy bounded off towards the village gate, and into the woods beyond. “Innkeeper, I would like to rent a room for the night.”
The innkeeper sniffed “2 silver for the night, and that includes a breakfast in the morning”.
“And by “two silver”, you actually mean 2 bronze, right?” Skye said.
The innkeeper looked hard at Skye’s well-worn cloak, and her taut muscles clearly visible under her shirt, nearly translucent from the rain. “I mean 3 bronze for the night, and mind you don’t drip on my freshly washed floors”. With that he stormed back into the inn.
Skye walked in, shook the most of the water off her cloak at the door, and walked to the fireplace. In the dimly lit common room, one was capable of seeing her features more clearly. Her face, under the mud of the road, was a pearly white that seemed almost phosphorescent, and had the high cheek bones and angular features that were common among her people. Her pointed ears peeked out behind dark black hair, which was currently plastered against here head and strands were falling out of her waist-length braid. She wore a sturdy linen shirt, which was fraying a bit at the collar and wrists and had patches on the elbows, and dark black pants. Over the shirt was a deer-skin vest, bleached in some places from the sun, and dark brown where it was wet. If one was particularly observant (or looking for something to steal) one might notice the amber pendant that was on her chest, between her nearly non-existent breasts. If one was very observant, they would see a dagger hidden under her sleeves, strapped to her forearm. Slung across her back were a long-bow and a quiver of arrows.
The inn itself was crowded from travelers forced in from the rain. The smell of wet human musk was heavy in the air, and mingled with the smell of smoky pine wood and stale ale. The fire threw off a great deal of heat, but the warm light seemed to disappear shortly after leaving the fireplace, giving one the uncomfortable feeling of being stuck inside a jack-o-lantern. On such a hellish night, it was quiet, with no one interested in the music of a travelling bard or the antics of a story-teller. Low murmurs emanated from shadowy corners, almost unheard over the crackling of the fireplace and the clanking of mugs and sloshing of ale.
While Skye was warming herself by the fire, and quietly contemplating what the next day had to bring, Della was getting bored. Now, as a general rule, a pixie should not be bored, both as a positive and a normative statement. Pixies are easily distracted, and can find the flickering of fire or the sparkling of the stars entertaining for hours on end. Many believe this is because pixies are simple-minded creatures, but they would be dangerously wrong. Pixies say it is because they are penetrating the veil of the universe but aren’t going to tell and then stick out their tongues and float away; but generally it is good advice not to believe the word of a pixie. But when pixies do get bored, they generally decide to remedy this ennui by introducing chaos into the world.
This particular Pixie was not only bored, but offended at the innkeeper for his rudeness towards her friend, and looking to cause mischief. First, she decided that there was a special discount for pixies on honey mead (namely, free). After taking advantage of the discount, she went to look for a key to take or a book to misplace (as a nod to her gremlin brethren) but was instead distracted by the sound of voices from under the floor.
“That’s weird,” she thought, “floors don’t normally talk”. After a bit of investigating (and twenty minutes being distracted by candlelight flickering off a shinny kettle) she discovered a trap door, hidden under a rug.
“Hmm”, thought Della. “Hidden places, with hidden voices normally means hidden fun”. She fluttered down the stairs, unseen, into the dark room.
“Please sirs, my daughter is my life,” pleaded the self-same innkeeper that had, moments before, told Skye the price of the room. “She was taken from me, and the Duke will do nothing to get her back. I’m afraid that she’ll be sacrificed at the harvest moon, in three days time”.
“While I regret the loss of your daughter, I myself am on a far more important quest” intoned a voice. Della shivered involuntarily; the voice rasped like a dry quill across a death certificate. He was not speaking loudly, but his words still carried through the dark cellar. As Della flew around the corner, she saw three people talking with the innkeeper. The first, the one the voice clearly belonged to, was clothed in black breast-plate with a raven holding a skull in it's talons. A mace that looked like a skull was slung on his back. He seemed to drain the light out of wherever he was standing. Standing aside from him was a man dressed in simple garb; a loose tunic and breaches, and a cape with the hood down. He kept playing with the edges of his sleeves, and Pixie would bet a pretty shiny that he had daggers down there, but couldn’t see any to be sure. The last one in the room was a halfling that almost escaped Della’s notice, who kept creeping around the edge of the firelight. After watching the little sneak, Della noticed him look straight at where she was flying. She paused, involuntarily, but then remembered that she was invisible and no one can see her, not that they no enough to look. But then Della noticed something rather odd: the little hafling’s shadow seemed to be looking at her too. Della shook her head, thinking she needed to lay off the honey mead a bit, and then noticed that the shadow disappeared.
“Must have moved too far away from the lantern” thought Della. At that point, the shadow that had been growing behind her reached out and wrapped its black arms around her.
“Look what I found” squeaked the halfling in an inordinately happy voice. The party looked at the shadow, which seemed to be thrashing about with itself.
The man in the dark robes, after looking at the struggle said “You may as well show yourself, invisible one”.
Della, deciding that it wasn’t worth her effort to fight these people, turned visible. Turning with her cutest look, she asked “Could you let me out of this, halfling?”
“Ok,” said the halfling with a smitten look. The shadow started to loosen his arms.
“I would advice against that” said the dark lord. “We don’t know what she’s heard, and what she’s seen”.
“Me?” Della said incredulously. She giggled self-consciously. “I haven’t seen or heard anything. Come, Mr. Halfling; what could you possible fear from me? Please, I’m cold.” At this, she batted her eyes at him.
The halfling blushed and chuckled, and the shadow released her grip entirely. Like a shot, Della, was invisible and shot out the top of the trap door.
“Skye, Skye,” Della yelled, flying through people’s mug of beer.
“Della, you know that this is easier when you are visible” Skye said.
“Oh yeah,” she said, going visible. As she became visible, the patrons were startled to see a figure that was about 2 feet tall with butterfly wings out of her back. Her skin was a milky white, and her hair was a bright impatiens pink with a sheen through it. The very tips of her ears poked out from bunches of hair on either side of her head, giving her hair the appearance of a very wild, pink bush. Her eyes seemed impossibly big and were the green of a new buds in spring. She had a quiver of arrows and a bow on her back, and bracers on her arms, and an amulet around her neck, but not too much else. The scraps of clothes that covered her seemed to cover just the basics of propriety; and counter-intuitively, had the effect of making her look more naked than if she would be entirely nude. As she noticed the eyes on her, she winked and smiled at the patrons, enjoying their shock and discomfort.
“If you have had quite enough at teasing the patrons, you seemed like you were in some distress just a moment ago,” Skye said, rolling her eyes.
“Yes, yes I was” said Della, snapping back to attention. “In the basement, the rude jackass was pleading with some evil looking dudes, about a girl and a Duke, and a shadow grabbed me but I defeated it and I need you to attack the dark one”.
“So what I got out of that is “you got in trouble and now someone is chasing after you.” Is that about right?” Skye asked.
“Um,” said Della thinking, “Maybe”.
Walter came out from the kitchen, eyes searching for Della. His eyes seized on her and her companion. “Panzer,” he said, “Seize them”.
In the corner, a figure that everyone had assumed that was a statute gets to his feet. “Okay boss,” its gravely voice responds as it starts it’s slow lumbering towards them.
“This is a mistake” Skye replied evenly, her hands up, but not quite at her bow. “We have done nothing to harm you.”
“Panzer, wait.”
“Okay boss” replied Panzer, instantly stopping.
“If that is the case, why don’t you and your little pixie friend come back here and we can talk…away from the crowd”.
“Give me some assurances to your character, and we will talk rationally” Skye replied.
“Do I have that for both of you?”
“You shall have to ask Della for her own assurances”
“Well, small one?”
“ She just said my name, tall, dark and creepy” said Della.
“Della…remember the moving statute behind us?” asked Skye, with just a hint of worry in her voice.
“Oh, who cares about the moving tin can, I have the powers of the universe at my finger tips, and no dark dummy is going to be rude to me. I happen to be of the perfect size, you know.”
“Enough of this,” said the dark man. “My name is Walter….the Tomb Lord and High one of (figure out what the rest of his titles are). I give you my word that I shall not harm you, and I request your assurance of the same…Della”.
“Okay, fine” said Della happily. Just zoomed towards the kitchen. “Last one there is a rotten egg!”
Walter gave Skye a look like “You travel with this one?”. Skye did a motion that may have been shrug, but may have just been her adjusting her cape.
“Come on Panzer” said Walter.
“Yes boss,” said Panzer.
Once in the kitchen, Walter made a gesture to the other man. Suddenly, a burlap bag snapped into the air, and Della found herself inside of a burlap sack.
“Heh, heh, pixie in a bag” said the man.
“Hey, let me out of here!” yelled Della. “I’ll turn you all into JELLY! Let me out!”
“Tomblord, you promised me safety” Skye said, going for her bow.
“I did, and she is perfectly safe”. Walter replied. “I just need her to stay inside of the room for a bit, and the only way to make sure she does that is to restrain her.”
“Sir, speak your piece, and quickly, and let me go, or golum or no golum, I will take you all on.” Skye said, notching an arrow on her bow.
“I’m not a golum,” said Panzer.
“It can say something other than ‘Yes boss’” asked Della from inside of the bag.
“Yes. I just find most of the time I don’t need to,” said Panzer.
“Huh, that makes sense.” said Della.
“Your pixie doesn’t seem to mind the bag too much,” said the man holding it.
“I’m not her pixie” Della said at the same time Skye said “She’s not my pixie”.
“But you’re right, I am quite comfortable in here” said Della.
“You see? She’s perfectly safe,” said Walter.
Skye put her bow away. “If she doesn’t mind, I don’t mind.”
“By why wouldn’t she mind?” asked the man. “She’s in a burlap sake!”
“Yes, but the sake is full of gold,” said Della. “And jewels. I like sparkly things. I think I’ll put some of these into my own bag, so I have them for later.”
“What?” said the man, swallowing the lie wholesale. “I must have grabbed the wrong bag when I went to nab her!” At this, she went to open the bag. Della, seizing her opportunity, flew out of the bag.
“Wow, you’re dumb,” said Della with a smirk.
“This is a waste of time,” said Walter. “You, Pixie-“
“Name,” Della said in a sing-song voice. “I have a name, you know my name, call me by my name-“
“Della,” Walter said through clenched teeth. “What did you hear downstairs?”
“Well, I heard that you were a meanie that didn’t care about helping this guy’s daughter, and something about a duke…really, I got distracted by a shadow”.
“Then, you heard nothing about my greater quest?” asked the Tomblord?
“Your what?” asked Della.
“We’re done here” said Walter. “We must press on.”
“Please, sir, please!” begged the innkeeper. “I need your help!”
“What is your problem, exactly,” asked Skye.
“My daughter, she has been taken from me,” at this, the inn-keeper started weeping.
Skye, looking around awkwardly, said “Please sir, I cannot help you unless you give me more information.”
“Man, stop crying” said Della, her annoyances at the inn-keeper turning to pity. She hugged his head, “We will help you find your daughter.”
“Truly?” asked the inn-keeper.
Skye looked him straight in the eye. “Truly, good sir. I am at your service.”
“What of the others?” the innkeeper asked.
“They have to make their own decision.”
“Tell your tale, old man, and I’ll see what I can do,” said the man with the burlap bag, ignoring the glare of Walter.
“This morning, in the wee hours of the night, my daughter was getting water from the well. I heard her scream, and went and rushed to find her. The water bucket was overturned and I saw footprints in the ground. I went to the Duke’s representatives, but they didn’t want to do anything. I fear that she will be sacrificed in 3 days, when the full moon rises, for some sort of dark magic”.
“Then I will make way at first light to find her,” said Skye. “Do you have any idea where they may have taken her?”
“My guess is the old castle to the north,” said the Innkeeper. “If you get my daughter back to me, unharmed, you will have my gratitude, and a bag of silver”.
“Shall you be joining us, friend?” Skye addressed the man.
“Aye, Mordain shall help you,” he said after a pause.
“As shall I and Shadow,” said the halfling.
Walter glowered at his party. “Since I have to wait for my party to finish, I might as well help you. At least we can be done quickly. Panzer shall join us as well.”
“Wait a minute,” said Della. “He can talk, he can think, why don’t we ask him what he wants to do?”
“I’ll do whatever the boss tells me to do,” said Panzer.
“Satisfied, Della?” asked Walter, a shadow of a smirk on his face.
Della, sticking out her tongue, did a barrel roll in the air and disappeared.
“Where’d she go?” asked Panzer.
“You get used to it, my friend,” said Skye. “Well, we are all tired, and the trail is going to be dead with this rain anyway. We shall sleep for the night, and then pursue in the early morning. Be ready to leave at 6 bells.”

Negative Ads

2008-10-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

Dear sweet zombie Jesus, I want this election to be over. I am sick of this: I want Obama to win, but at this point I'll take a McCain win if it means we can all move on with our respective lives.

But, we still have one more week left, which still means one more week of campaign ads. I finally got sick of each side saying that the other was running a negative campaign, and how negative it is, and who did what, so I decided to do a little research on my own. That's right, you guessed it: it's time for another Excel graph!

I had a difficult time coming up with an objective standard of what was a "smear" and what was a "criticism" so I went with a fairly objective, but not very in-depth, analysis of the ads. Additionally, I only used the television ads (Obama, for instance, has over 1000 Obama Youtube ads). The ads were split into four categories: Opposing candidate not mentioned, Ads compare/ criticize opponent, ad only talks about opposition, and ad countering opponent's assertions. Just in case it wasn't clear, the ads in blue are Obama's, red are McCain's.

The final count is: 21 of Obama's ads are just about him, 19 compare/contrast Obama and McCain's ad, 45 are ads just criticizing McCain, and 10 of them are countering ads. Which adds up to little over a fifth of the ads as "positive".

McCain's ads break down as: 14 are just about him, 11 compare/contrast, 16 are just opposing Obama, and 4 are countering opponent's information. Which makes a little over a third of his ads are "positive".

What does this all mean? It means that both candidates are running a mostly negative campaign. And why shouldn't they? Negative ads are the most effective. If people REALLY wanted to stop politicians from running negative ads, they should stop responding to them.

This break down was the best I could do for an objective standard, but I still feel like it is somewhat misleading. For instance, the worst thing Obama said about McCain was that he "lied", he was "out of touch" and "more of the same". The worst thing McCain did was imply Obama was the Anti-Christ and likened him to a pack of wolves. I honestly think that McCain's were more negative, but like I said, how could I come up with an objective standard? A

Final points: Obama has WAY more ads. Like, twice as many ads. I guess his fundraising is doing better. From a communication standpoint, I liked Obama's ads better because I felt they were more creative and better done. There were more citations in Obama's ads as well, pointing out the voting record of McCain and Obama. The running meme seems to be that Obama's "all talk" but it was the McCain ads that never pointed to anything specific. I particularly liked Obama's 2-minute "explanation sessions" that he had.

Obama also had way more Spanish ads too, but I guess Obama's probably better suited to that demographic.

As always, multiple pairs of eyes going over my work is appreciated.

Small Town Values Suck

2008-09-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin, in her acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, ended up quoting known racist, right-wing writer (via Pandagon). The quote she used was:

We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty and sincerity and dignity.”

.

Let's ignore, for a minute, who she choose to quote (and whether or not she was even aware of it) and focus in on the substance of her statement. She is claiming that people in small towns are more moral than the rest of us: those of us who live in cities. Now, first and foremost, this statement irritates me because of it's vagueness: I live in a "city" in North Dakota, but you can drive across it in less than twenty minutes. Do they raise "good people" here, or are we dishonest, and insincere, and undignified?

But, beside the ambiguities of "small town", I'm still going to call shenanigans on her statement. People in small towns are no more honest, sincere, or dignified than people in cities, and a lot of times, they are substantially less so.

I have lived in multiple communities, in multiple states, that are various sizes; and nobody was de facto more moral. My bike has been stolen in small towns, whereas my wallet full of money was returned to me in a big city. I was threatened in a suburban school by a white girl, and I was tortured by guys in a small town. I have met cultured people in towns in the middle of nowhere, and complete neadrathals in cities. The number of people you're around doesn't make you a better or worse person.

In general, there are a few differences between small towns and large cities.

Small towns compared to cities:

A greater percentage of people feel comfortable being openly racist, sexist, heterocentrist, and discriminatory to non-Christians in more public places. That doesn't mean that there aren't racist people in cities, or even the same amount in sheer numbers. But, I think it tends to be that if you live in the city, at some point you actually have to run across people of different ethnicities, belief structures, women in more than one career field, and non-heterosexual people, than if you live in a small town.

Small towns are filled with gossipers. Big towns, are too, but because of sheer numbers, it is impossible for everybody to know everybody else's business. There are no secrets in small town.

Small towns lack culture. They generally have one community theatre (if that) that puts on nonthreatning plays like Okalahoma and Shakespearean plays that most people don't know are dirty. The variety shows that they put on are likewise the only form of concerts, generally, except for an extremely local band for county fairs and the like. The theatres put on completely mainstream movies, about two weeks after they are released, and even they get filtered a lot. Compare that to a city which, at any given night, you have your choice of performances, concerts, clubs, museums, whatever.

There are pros and cons to living anywhere, but to suggest that people are more moral in small towns means the person doing the suggesting doesn't know what "moral" means.

Pro-Life Organizations: Which Lives?

2008-07-27T12:18:00.001-07:00

This is part of a continuing series.

When looking at pro-life organizations, I wanted to see which groups were actually non-violent and which were not. I choose not to be somewhat of a smart-aleck and include such things as opposition to war, and the death penalty (which most organizations were not), and I choose to overlook such organizations that were anti-stem cell research (which could potentially save thousands of lives), but do a narrow focus on their tactics and actions. This was particularly difficult, as there were many organizations that professed peace, but then did bullying tactics or their founders were in jail for murder of a doctor or something. To bridge this gap, I included if they either condoned violence, or had ties to violent groups. Bullying tactics such as yelling "baby-killer" to passing women going into abortion clinics did not get classified as violent, but if they had signs that suggested that "baby-killers" should be shot, I included that in "condones violence". If the group advocated for harassment of doctors, I stuck that it the "ties to violence" block, as well. I also did not differentiate between organizations that had no ties to violence but did not condemn the violence of other pro-life organizations and organizations that had no ties to violence AND condemned the violence of other pro-life organizations.

UPDATE- I'm linking to where I found violence for the groups.

Army of God- http://www.armyofgod.com/POClist.html

Life Dynamics Inc- http://www.kaisernetwork.org/frame/index.cfm?goto=http://www.kaisernetwork.org/reports/2000/03/kr000322.4.htm
Uses harassment and stalking against doctors.

Missionaries to the Preborn- http://www.mhrn.org/publications/fact%20sheets%20and%20adivsories/Missionaries.pdf

Missionaries to the Unborn- http://www.mttu.com/elijahmin/PPWrite-In%20Campaign.htm

Operation Rescue- http://www.now.org/nnt/05-98/scheidler.html

Survivors of the Abortion Holocaust- Founder was jailed for violence: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivors_of_the_Abortion_Holocaust but organization does condemn violence.

Pro-Life Organizations: Do they help women raise babies?

2008-07-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

This is part of a continuing series.

If an organization was truly pro-life, they would try an attack the causes of abortion (unwanted pregnancy), and the major reason cited for abortion (financial constraints). The best way to do this is community support for children. I put in organizations that did not support governmental assistance, but did support "pregnancy crisis centers" of some variety. These centers generally run from a place to stay during pregnancy and the first year, to some material assistance (diapers, formula, teddy bears, et cetera).

UPDATE-

I changed the graph, because Army of God does not support Pregnancy Crisis Centers. They do not address welfare. Sorry for the mistake.

Pro-Life Organizations: For Sex Ed?

2008-07-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

This is part of continuing series.

In tandem with contraceptives, there is a strong correlation with comprehensive sexual education and low unwanted pregnancy rates (and corresponding low abortion rates). "Abstinence Only" education has been associated with higher rates of unwanted pregnancy then no sexual education at all.

Pro-Life Organizations: Are they for contraception?

2008-07-27T12:01:00.001-07:00

This is part of a continuing series.

I also wanted to determine if pro-life organizations supported the most effective way to reduce abortion rates, which is increased contraception use. If the organization was fine with they barrier methods, but not hormonal methods like the pill, I gave them "limited support for contraceptives". If it was "Natural Family Planning" but against all other forms, I put them in "anti-contraceptives". If they were opposed to one form of contraceptives, and did not address others, I put them in "opposed contraceptives".

UPDATE
To clarify, if a group gets put into "opposes contraceptive" it does not necessarily mean that they wish to criminalize it. But, if an organization supports Pharmacists "right" to not dispense birth control, or if they said that contraceptives contribute to a "culture of death" or "a child-unfriendly environment" I put that in "opposes contraceptives", even if they don't speak to making it illegal.

UPDATE the Second
In order to be more fair, I looked over the organizations again, and added whether or not they were against birth control, or whether or not they were against some types of contraceptives and did not address other ones. I went over the ones that also didn't address contraceptives, and found some of them did actually oppose Emergency contraceptive, so they were added to the last list.

Pro-Life Organizations: Are the Secular?

2008-07-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

Awhile back on Punkassblog, I said I was going to do some investigating into Pro-Life Organizations. Unfortunately, Wordpress seems to not like me, so this post will be exclusively here where it all began, Teller of Truths.

The only pro-life organizations I looked at were groups in the United States on the national level, that were on the Wikipedia pro-life organization list.

The first thing I checked was whether or not the organization was secular, or explicitly Chrsitian (none of the organizations claimed any other kind of religious affiliation). They were considered to have ties to Christian organizations if they had three articles that spoke from a Christian perspective, and/or linked to five Christian organizations.

Pro-Life Organizations: Women's concerns?

2008-07-25T18:53:00.001-07:00

This is part of a continuing series on pro-life organizations.

To see if pro-life organizations were really about women's concerns, I then looked to see how many of them were run by men or women (as sort of an easy marker). Abortion concerns being particularly related to women, as (aside from Mr. Beatty) they are the only one's who can get pregnant, they are the ones who should have the most to say about it.

I looked at who ran the organizations, and how balanced the board was.

Where I Am I Not Liberal?

2008-05-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

Here in the soaked-red state of North Dakota, I am basically considered to be a hippy/ liberal freak. My friends, mainly moderate, apathetic, or conservative basically think I'm just a little bit to the right of Karl Marx. However, there are some places that I split with liberals, and join in with my conservative brethren.

1) Gun Rights
While it is true that I do believe in reasonable restrictions, generally I do believe that gun rights are an individual rights issue. Guns are a tool, like anything, can be used to harm....or they can be used for fun, like most gun-users do. I flinch every time a fellow liberal brings up the stereotype of the racist, sexist, ridiculously macho, mistakes-his-guns-for-his-penis gun owners. While it is true that I have met gun-owners that do fulfill parts or all of that stereotypes (I worked as a puller in a gun range for chrissake: you see all kinds), most (I would say the vast majority) of gun-owners are normal people. My friend PE likes Soviet rifles, because he likes the history of them. Hubby and I have grown up our entire lives with hunting rifles and shotguns. I have a few outliers: my friend Grunt has a weird fascination with his AR, and my friends WA, A, and B have a little bit too much paranoia that the government/robbers are out to get them, but that's rather harmless, really.

I am to the left of my friends on this one, however slightly, on what constitutes "reasonable restrictions". Pretty much everyone agrees with the background check, and the three day waiting period, but I also want a mandatory gun safety class for every licence. I also don't think the right to bear arms encompasses fully automatic weapons, and I think there is a strong enough argument to make that banning them constitutes a compelling state interest (which is the standard a state would be held to if the 2nd Amendment was incorporated). I also would like gun registration, but I wouldn't actually advocate for it, because I have never seen a government capable of registering that wouldn't also use this information to take it. Finally, I'd like to see strict enforcement of gun laws: if you commit a crime with a gun, you get lose that right.

Honestly, this is one of those things that I don't understand the left's position at all. It feels ideologically inconsistent. If I had to sum the left's philosophy, it would be "individual liberty, collective responsibility". Restricting an individual from participating in a harmless pastime seems like something that conservatives would worry about, not progressives. And, at it's root, target shooting and hunting are no more dangerous that any other sports. Which brings me to...

2) Animal rights
When it comes to treating anything that can feel pain with respect, I'm right there. Torturing animals is cruel in and of itself, and often times rings serious warning bells for larger psychological problems. But, where I draw the line is with PETA, vegans, and other animal-rights activists. I wear dead animals, I eat dead animals, and use the products of animals. Silk is my favorite fabric, fur is the warmest thing I can wear, leather is great for hiking, and you can take my meat when you pry it from my cold dead hands. I do support organic meats: I think factory farming is cruel (going back to point one) and when you kill an animal, it should be done so that it does not feel any pain. But seriously: a cow or a chicken has no purpose other than to feed or cloth humans. They are the most thoroughly domesticated, ridiculously stupid creatures on the planet. You don't exactly see herds of cows roaming in the wild; if we did not have ranchers, we would not have cows. The only way to keep them from going extinct is by using them. As with hunting, I support that for the same reason that I support voluntary childlessness: there is only so many resources to go around. Deer hunting is a great example of it: if left to propagate, deer become a danger to themselves and others. When it comes down between car vs. deer, both always lose. And a quick shot through the head is much better than dying of starvation.

Those of you reading might notice a common thread: I seem to value the lives of humans more than the lives of animals. And you would be right: I absolutely do. Human beings are sentient: we are self-aware, we have emotions, we know we are going to die. I do not believe that this is an insignificant trait, and I do believe that it means that we are more important than animals. This is a major shift from most progressives.

Important note: because I am not vegan or vegetarian does not mean that I don't support that decision for all who make it. Each person has to decide what they need to do for him/herself. I respect it as a valid and a legitimate choice.

There are smaller points of policy that I shift rightwards from the average progressive, and others where I shift leftwards from the average progressive, but those are the two main ones.

The Medicalization of Childbirth

2008-04-27T20:49:00.000-07:00

Last week, I finished watching "The Business of Being Born". Ricki Lake did this documentary to highlight the differences in treatment she had with her two children. One was done at the hospital, and ended up as a Cesarean. One was at home, with a midwife, and it was videotaped.

Interspaced between this was some history of childbirth, particularly in the United States. Starting at around the turn of the century, births shifted from something that was at home, to something that was done at a hospital. This shift was not because medical science was particularly good at childbearing (or really, because it was even as midwifery) but because an interesting intersection that we all know and love: capitalism, sexism, and racism. Doctors at the time went on a massive advertising campaign, aimed at telling women that other women were not as good at delivering babies as they were. That these Russian, German, and other immigrant women just wanted your money, and you were a bad mother if you didn't go to the hospital to get a delivery done there. Interestingly enough; it was not actually safer to go to the hospital, if you were in labor. Midwifery had been around for awhile, women knew how to deliver babies. They, at the very least, knew that you washed your hands before you went to the next birth, something that doctors at the time considered immaterial. Midwifes also knew to listen to a pregnant women when she was in labor, as opposed to putting up a sheet and ignoring her. They also knew that squatting, or in water, was an easier and safer way to give birth then lying on one's back, where you have to not only have to work against your body, but gravity (but hey, with your legs like that, it was easier for the doctor).

It then went on to talk about "twilight sleep" or "zombie sleep". For those of you who are unfamiliar (and I certainly was before I saw this) twilight sleep was when a women came to the hospital, and then was injected with morphine and scopolamine. Now, supposedly this was to kill pain; but what it really did was put pregnant women into an alternate state of mind, so that they forgot the labor pains. They also forgot the labor. And how to control their own body. Women had to be tied down to the bed, (with sheepskin, so that they wouldn't leave big bruises or scratches). Watching the videos were again horrific: a women, tied to a bed, thrashing about, with a curtain at her midsection, and four white guys staring intently at her uterus. For something that is normally held as one of the most feminine of experiences, it was eerily impersonal.*

The movie then continued to show the difference between medical birth and midwifery. For one thing, the births done with a midwife seemed a whole lot less painful. The midwife was there the whole time, as opposed to a doctor who showed up at the last second. The position seemed more comfortable as well; if the woman wanted to get up and walk around, she was allowed to. If she wanted to squat, she squatted. With a midwife, they listened to what the women said she wanted. With the doctors, it seemed as if the doctor told her what she wanted.

Not to say that the movie was Luddite, at all. Every midwife there said that she was grateful that there was the knowledge of obstetricians out there, for the complicated births. But they all made mention that, 9 times out of 10, women did not need to go to the doctor. That first and foremost, those doctors are surgeons, and sometimes do unnecessary cesareans out of misplaced concern, or because of time constraints, that is not actually healthy for the mother or the new baby. They compared infant mortality in the United States with other countries in Europe where it was far more common to have a midwife, and lo and behold, the US has more infant deaths then Europe. However, they never proved a causal relationship; there are a variety of reasons why that might be.

Among the problems of medicalization they talked about, one was talking about how the introduction of medicine was playing weird problems with women's hormones. First, a women is given an epidural, for the pain. But an epidural numbs more than just pain, it also makes it more difficult to have contractions. So then, a women is given pitocin, which is a synthetic form of oxytocin (the birthing hormone). Pitocin has some major problems though: first, the contractions it causes are longer, and stronger (and therefore more painful). Also, it can constrict bloodflow to the uterus, so that the fetus has less oxygen flowing to it. So, to numb the pain, they give the women another epidural. And this starts the cycle again, until the fetus goes into distress (and the mother is also pretty distressed at this point as well). At this point, they rush the women to get a Cesarean, leaving a scar in the women, an increased risk of infection, and a now-distressed baby.

A few things struck me watching this film, in no particular order:

1) Why does any women ever (well, with Tom Beatty make that any person) ever get and stay pregnant long enough to give birth? Seriously, even with the midwife, water births, were it just seemed like a grunt and slip, and "ooo, baby" it still seemed painful, long, and full of viscera. This movie made me hug my orthotricyclin like no one's business.

2) This movie was far too crunchy for my tastes. I can see why childbirth is a unique experience for women, because it is generally just women that can do it. But seriously, I prefer the ideas they mention at the end a lot better: where hospitals have birthing centers, where midwifes work. You can have your birth in a water way, or at the very least squatting, but you are still at the hospital if you are that 1 in 10 case that needs emergency help.

3) What is it with some guys and their seemingly uncontrollable urges to take women's experiences and define them/ control them? First you have medical doctors saying that women don't actually know what's going on for pregnancy, and then you have guys making laws about when it's okay for us to have an abortion, and guys who think that birth control is emasculating, and guys who seem to think they know what happens during PMS better than women. It's really annoying; I don't assume to know what it's like to have blue balls, why should they assume they have any IDEA what it's like to go around in a feminine fleshy meatbag?

This movie is one that I think people should definitely watch** (if you have a netflix account, it's instantly downloadable, by the way). It shows a very interesting perception of childbirth, from women's point of view.

*Interestingly enough, the feminists at the time held up scopolamine as a liberation. The movie made mention that at the time, childbirth was still thought as something that should be as painful as possible, for the "curse of eve". The feminist at the time, saw this as an opportunity to not have to suffer through childbirth, and jumped on the opportunity to show that no, childbirth was painful because there wasn't the medicine to fix it, not because of any Biblical curse. Next time an anti-choicer shows up saying that early feminists were against abortion (which they should have been, because at the time an abortion had more of a chance of killing you than childbirth), point out that they also supported drugging women during childbirth. We are all a part of the time we grew up in, bound by some of those mindsets and technologies.

**If you're like me, you'll watch most of this movie through slits in your fingers. Seriously, think horror movie viscera, and then imagine in that in your most sensitive parts.

Comments Policy Redux

2008-04-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Jake, our resident troll, has reminded me through his actions that it is time to update my my comments policy. Now, for those of you have been reading for awhile may remember that I reserve the right to delete any and all comments that I think are abusive, too stupid, or basically not interesting any more. If you are worried about free speech, start your own damn blog and spew to your heart's content. My blog is like my house; if I don't like you, I have no reason to let you stay here.

But, inspired by the great time they've been having at Shakesville, I've decided to mimic their policy slightly. If you post an email address, your comment will either stay as is, or be deleted. If you post anonymously, and I decide that you are an annoying little troll, I get to change your post as I see fit.

Identity

2008-04-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

First I was a human baby.

But not to long after that I was-

Girl

I was dressed in pink and my name ended in an “a”.

Next there was “girl child”

With skirts and dolls,

I learned about drag

By turning Barbie into a parachuter

Mom and Dad told me to stop climbing trees

Later, when I learned colors,

Green, blue, red-

I learned I was another thing;

White

I learned about this nice guy named Jesus

And his mean father God

My parents told me that I was

Christian

Then there was “student”

And I was told how good I was at English

The A’s in math were glossed over

I did like to read

The first identity I took-

Book-worm, smart, geek

Nerd

Ignore the perfect spiral I could throw

Then there were the throes of puberty

My body rebelled,

And I developed things-

Boobs, hips, blood,

And a new word was pushed on me

(As true as it wasn’t)

Slut

I thought about who I was

And who I wasn’t

And choose my labels for myself

Agnostic

Feminist

Smart

Opinionated

But, From everyone else

I am still

Girl

White

Christian

Nerd

Slut

And I never got back my first label

Human

Goddess Cassandra is moving up

2008-04-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well, the awesome Marc of Punkassblog has invited me to blog at his house, so I'm heading over. Fear not, I shall continue to blog here, I shall just hope that my pontification shall be to a larger audience.

What I end up getting on UND's crappy search engine

2008-04-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

UND has the most out-of-date, random search engine. Tomorrow, we are going to have a symposium on the rights of a child, and I wanted to know if there was a more comprehensive list than the flyer I have. When I went searching for it, I found this. UND has plenty of "pro-life" organizations, but I hadn't seen this one before (I didn't know we had ANY other organization claiming to be feminist on campus, besides the Pro-Choice Voice). Since my laptop died, and I can't write on Truth Commissions until I'm out of work, I figured I'd write about this. (The original is in italics, my response in normal writing).

ProWoman Answers to ProChoice Questions Talking Points

· No woman deserves to have an abortion.

No person deserves to have an surgery. It's not a matter of "deserving" anything, it's just one of those things we have to do. I don't "deserve" to scrub toilets, but if I want a nice-smelling bathroom I have to.

· "It's our body. It's our choice." That translates into "It's our problem."

Generally, yeah. Having a female body means that we have female "problems". This includes periods, breasts, and the possibility of pregnancy. Guys have their own problems.

· Abortion advocates pit women against children. Lack of resources and support are the real enemies.

Really? Feminists don't support women and children?

· We need to systematically eliminate the root causes of abortion primarily lack of practical resources and emotional support.

No argument here.

Avoid diversions from what is important Those who oppose our prowoman, prolife position often bring up ancillary issues they believe will cast us in a negative light. Be prepare to reject the confrontational, negative tactics and reinforce our woman centered message and solutions.

Okay, I'll try and stay on topic

· Sometimes you are talking to a woman who has had an abortion. She may assume that you are choosing a baby over women or condemning her. Never attack the questioner.

Thanks

· Acknowledge the reasons that drive women to abortion, but emphasize that abortion is not the answer. Women need holistic solutions and deserve real support.

Rape and incest

· It is normal to wish you could erase a painful experience such as rape. The woman deserves our support. · Abortion is a second act of violence against the woman. It doesn't erase the memory.

Abortion isn't an act of violence if a woman wants it. Much like sex is not an act of violence if it is consensual, but IS an act of violence when it's non-consensual, a wanted abortion is not harmful. When a woman is raped, and becomes pregnant, the pregnancy can be a violation of that's woman's body, over and over again. She now has to have her body overtaken by a foreign body, risk her health, her job, and her station in society. Abortion isn't going to erase the memory, it'll merely stop the continuing violation. If she chooses to continue the pregnancy, because she feels like that'll help her get over the rape, that is her CHOICE, and should be supported. Much like the difference between sex and rape is consent, the difference between a wanted pregnancy and an unwanted pregnancy is worlds apart.

· We should punish the perpetrator of the crime, not the victims.

Duh. I would even go a step further and say that we should try and prevent rape by empowering women and teaching guys that consent is the presence of a "yes" not an absence of a "no". But, as it stands, rape prosecution is really, really, really low. And that still doesn't address the fact that a rape victim is still pregnant, and if she doesn't want to be, it is a continuing violation.

· One Vanderbilt med student told other students that the "abortion was worse than the rape."

So? I still can't figure out how this is an argument.

· Pregnancy is not a punishment. Julie Makimaa's mother ("Victory Over Violence" issue of The American Feminist) told her that she was the "only good thing to come out of the rape."

Good for her. I'm glad she was capable of finding peace from her experience. That doesn't mean that every one will, or should.

· When someone asks about exceptions for rape and incest, we must think of how that makes those feel who were conceived through sexual assault. As one Berkeley grad student said to her prochoice peers, "I have a right to be here."

Yes, she does. Most of the time, we can point to some random negative experience that can result in our birth. My random experience was my mom had ovarian cancer, and was told she wasn't able to have kids for at least five years after the surgery. If my mom wouldn't have ovarian cancer, she would have been using birth control, and quite possibly I wouldn't have existed. That doesn't mean that I don't have a right to exist, it merely means that it was her choice if she wanted to continue the pregnancy after the random bad thing happen (RBT= ovarian cancer). Some of them are more negative than another, such as the case of the Berkeley student born of rape. Her mother choose to have her, that gave her the right to exist. That's really all there is to it: we have the right to exist because our mother choose to bear us. Looking into the conditions of our conception is really silly: if my mom wouldn't have ovarian cancer, I wouldn't have existed, but I still want to eliminate ovarian cancer. If her mother wouldn't have been raped, she wouldn't have existed, but I still wish to eliminate rape.

· Rebecca Wasser Kiessling, a young attorney and mother who was conceived through sexual assault asks, "Did I deserve the death penalty?"

For what? You can't get the death penalty until you actually exist.

· Could you look at someone conceived in violence and tell him or her they never should have been born?

No, because it wasn't up to me on whether or not they should have been born. That's up to the woman who actually bore them into existence.

What if your daughter was pregnant?

· I would love her and support her unconditionally and welcome my grandchild into this world.

Would you still love her and support her unconditionally if she didn't want to give birth?

What if your daughter was raped? · I would love her and my grandchild unconditionally, and I would do everything in my power to prosecute the perpetrator to the fullest extent of the law.

Same question.

Imposing values and morality on others/What gives you the right to tell women what to

do?

· Our values are based on principles of nonviolence and nondiscrimination.

Nifty.

· I simply believe that we can do better for women. Don't you?

Um, I don't know how you can "do better" for women then letting them have autonomy over their body.

Don't women need to control their own lives?

· Obviously if she were truly in control and did not want to be pregnant then she wouldn't be pregnant. The question now is, what is the best possible nonviolent outcome for her?

Obviously, birth control fails, or women aren't always educated on how to use it, or are raped. There are things outside of our control; but this is one way to put it back under our control. And, to reiterate, abortion is not a violent act.

Don't you respect women enough to allow her to make a choice?

· Women do not have abortions as a matter of choice, but because they feel they have no support or resources to support a different choice. A coerced decision is not a free choice; it's a last resort.

Yeah, some women do have abortions as a matter of choice. We should, of course, offer support if they want to raise children. That's where the "choice" part of it does come in- there is more than abortion. But, abortion is also an option: if a woman doesn't want to be pregnant, she shouldn't be forced to be.

· We support nonviolent choices single motherhood, fatherhood, grandparenthood, marriage and various adoption options. · A society that promotes abortion as a necessity underestimates women.

Abortion will always be a necessity for some women. There will always be pregnancy complications, there will always be birth control failure, there will always be women who don't want to be pregnant for any given reason. This isn't "promotion" this is just a fact.

What if her partner, friends or family abandoned her?

· Lack of support often coerces women into abortion. She needs to know that there are perfect strangers out there who will care for her even if those she counts on the most have let her down.· She also needs to know about child support laws that prohibit coercion by the father by physical force or threats to withhold child support.

Okay, I can't really say anything against this. We should support a woman if she wants to continue a pregnancy and have a child. But, the key phrase is "if she WANTS to".

What if she is poor?

· We do not eliminate poverty by eliminating poor women's children. It is degrading to poor women to expect or imply that their children aren't welcome.

No one ever said that abortion will eliminate poverty. But, if you don't have the resources to continue a pregnancy, or support a child; they aren't going to magically appear after the fact.

· She needs to know that there are pregnancy care centers listed in the abortion alternatives section of the yellow pages that provide direct assistance and coordinate public and private assistance.

A bag of diapers and some heavy moralizing doesn't get rid of the expense of a pregnancy, and later a child.

She "just doesn't want it"

· It's always more complicated than that. We can address each of her concerns working together for peaceful solutions.

No, sometimes it really is that simple. Sometimes a woman just doesn't want to be pregnant. It's good enough for me, really.

You are antiwoman

· Abortion destroys that which makes us women.

Um, what? What makes us a woman has nothing to do with capable of being pregnant. And autonomy is what makes us HUMAN.

· As Alice Paul, the original author of the Equal Rights Amendment, said, "Abortion is the ultimate exploitation of women."

Okay, I keep looking for the context of this quote, and I cannot find it. The only quote I can find is on "pro-life" sites. Not that it matters; it's a general appeal to authority, and as such, a logical fallacy.

· Abortion is a reflection that we have failed women and women have settled for less.

Um, what?

The "morning after" pill, so called "emergency contraception"

· The "morning after" pill is basically a megadose of chemicals.

Well, it's not really a "megadose", but close enough. The morning after pill is basically birth control pill.

· There has been no testing or information about the longterm effects of these drugs on women and future children.

Well, the FAA approved it, and there is no reason to suggest that it will have any long-term ill-effects. So far, nothing has come of it. It's okay to be hesitant, but seriously, that's why we have the FAA in the first place.

RU486 · Rather than being a simple, private alternative to surgical abortion, it actually requires three or four visits to a doctor.

Well, the idea is that you don't have to get, you know a surgery. Any time you get a surgery, you risk infection- there's less of risk of infection with RU486. But, yes, it requires at least 2 visits to the doctor, and sometimes more because of insane "waiting period" laws.

· Women may suffer the trauma of aborting at home or work and seeing a recognizablefetus.

Some women may, not all women. There is no way that you'll see a recognizable fetus. RU486 can only work to the 9th week, and that's pushing it for most doctors. At 9 weeks, a fetus is about 9 mm big and looks like this.

· Men wouldn't tolerate a drug this potentially dangerous and ineffective. Why should women?

Yeah they would. See: Viagra. See: Steriods.

· If a miscarriage is one of the worst things a woman can experience, then intentionally inducing an abortion is a reflection that we have failed her.

There is a world of difference between a wanted pregnancy and an unwanted one. In a miscarriage, women are looking forward to having a child. In an unwanted pregnancy, the women feels her very body has rebelled against her.

Partialbirth Abortion ·
Partialbirth abortion requires three days of coerced labor. · Women are awake during the delivery and witness their children's brains being removed from their children's skulls. How will this affect women emotionally and psychologically?

Late-term abortions are generally done because there were major problems, such as the fetus is already dead, or that the pregnancy will kill the mother, or the fetus has horrible abnormalities. I don't doubt that this would be fairly horrific for the woman involved, particularily considering most of these would be wanted pregnancy. But, outlawing it just puts women's lives in danger.

· The procedure can damage the cervix, contributing to multiple miscarriages in the future.

See above.

Disability
What if the fetus is or could be disabled?
· If actual or potential disability is a reason to devalue children before birth, what cruel message does this send to disabled people who are already born?

I agree, this is a bad reason to have an abortion (for me). But, I'm not the one who's pregnant, so I'm not the one who gets to decide. This is one of those things that must, must be up to the woman. Anything less is an encroachment on a woman's bodily soverignty.

Population

Aren't there enough children in this world, and what about those in foster care?

· There are two million vetted American couples awaiting adoption. Many of the children waiting to be adopted are waiting because of legal processes, not lack of loving homes. · The population in this country has increased because of legal and illegal immigration andlongevity not births. Forty million abortions in 30 years have not enriched our country.

Seeing as forty million abortions allowed women to be secure in their own bodies, yeah, I'd say that's an enrichment. And yes, there are enough children in the world- The USA is not "the world".

Make abortion rare · They say they want to make abortion rare but available. Why would you want to make something rare unless it is bad?

Lines like this make me want to be overly snarky. But, the snark-less answer is because "abortions are not fun". I want abortions to be rare, just like I want heart surgery to be rare: so people don't have to go through either. I wouldn't want to ban heart surgery just because it's painful and gruesome: same applies to abortion.

We want to make abortion rare, unthinkable, and unnecessary.

Unthinkable? Nope, I want women to have a full range of options on what to do with their lives. I want to reduce the rate, so I guess I semi-agree with unnecessary, but that is never going to happen, and it definately hasn't happen now.

Personally opposed · Why are you opposed to it?

This may not apply to me, because I'm about 80% sure that if I was pregnant, I would be on a plane to Minneapolis so fast it would make one's head spin.

· If it is not good enough for you, why do you think it is good enough for other women?

I don't want to go to business school, either, but far be it for me to deny that to other women. Women are not interchangable: are values are each going to be individually different.

I wouldn't wish an abortion on my worst enemy.

Um, I guess I wouldn't either (See above about abortion being not fun). But, if my worst enemy needed one, I would sure want her to be able to get one.

So you believe that a tiny speck a zygote, blastocyst, embryo or fetus has rights over a woman?

· I don't believe in discrimination based on size, age or location. Do you believe that a child has less of a right to exist because they are small?Are large or tall people more valuable than small or short people? If that is the case, most women should have fewer rights than men!

Have you ever asked a child if they ate all the cookies in a cookie tin, and they reply "Cookie monster eats cookies on tv"? I kind feel like that right now. This "answer" sort of sounds like it's answering the question, but in reality, has nothing whatsoever to do with the question.

· Fetus is a Latin word meaning "young child" or "young one." But in practice fetus is becoming a clinical, dehumanized term for an unborn child. Imagine if some group tried to deny medical care for gravidas. Once someone figured out that was the Latin word for pregnant women, the bewilderment would quickly shift to outrage.

Fetus is the medical term for "the unborn young from the end of the eighth week after conception to the moment of birth, as distinguished from the earlier embryo." This is just what it is. The Latin meaning for something is no longer the English meaning for something, and in multiple cases, can have nothing to do with the original roots. Denying care for "gravidas" would be bad, because they are actually human beings. Interestingly enough, if you're denying pregnant women the abortion option, you are in fact denying them medical care.

If "it" can't feel pain · Neonatal pain experts have testified before Congress that the younger one is, the more sensitive to pain they are and the unborn the most sensitive of all.

It's really hard to feel pain if you don't have a brain, or a functioning nervous system. They don't say who these experts are, or even when they testified at Congress, so I can't oppose that.

· Women feel the emotional and physical pain from an abortion, too.

Women feel emotional and physical pain from pregnancy and birth, as well.

Clinic violence · Violent individuals do not represent the prolife movement any more than the Unabomber represents the environmental movement.

Okay, then I'd recommend distancing yourself from them.

A few final thoughts on confrontational situations · When confronted or insulted, don't take it personally. Take it as an opportunity to learn, share, educate and inform. · Look at the issue from a "prochoice" viewpoint. Point out how our approach actually gives women more choices by addressing the reasons that drive women to abortion.

You don't give women more choices by taking a choice away from them. This is a complete and utter failure to see anything from a "prochoice" side.

· Remember that those under 30 have never known a day without legalized abortion, and it has been sold to them as a right, like owning slaves in other countries today, and in our country over a century ago. Challenge them to think for themselves. Don't be surprised when most of your listeners who expected to differ with you greatly end up saying, "I agree with 95% of what you are saying."

From http://www.feministsforlife.com

Well, I think I disagreed with more than 5% with them.

Obama and Clinton

2008-04-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

I promised to write a blogpost about Obama and Clinton's speech's at the ND Democratic Convention last Friday, so here it is. Although the internet is supposed to be about "cutting-edge" events, I prefer to make a slower, thoughtful post after having some time to reflect. (Either that, or I procrastinated all weekend watching "Penn and Teller's Bullshit" on immediate download on Netflix).

First, a small point about why the ND Democrats suck: they have absolutely no ability to predict who is coming, and what to do about it. To go to the convention, you either had to talk to your district representative to get seats on the floor, or you had to go to the ND website to get a general seating ticket. If you got a general seating ticket (as I did), they sent you a generic ticket, which you could print four times. There was no limit on getting a ticket; ND does not register voters, so you could be a Republican, a Minnesotan, anyone to get the tickets, and they did not limit the number of the tickets either. In this email, they did not include things like what you could not bring into the auditorium (you couldn't bring food or drinks, and you also couldn't bring a backpack; the last one annoyed me even more, because people were bringing purses way larger than my backpack). They only had four metal detectors, and the lines up to the metal detectors were a holy mess (for godless sake, invest in a few poles and pieces of string).

Now, on to the speeches. Obama's speech was a speech about unitity and change; how we had the ability to make the world a better place. He was full of idealism and seemed genuinely concerned about the state of the country. He was all about the pathos; and the energy he created was palpable, with the noise never died down. His audience was college aged-students, and this was shown by letting the college-aged Democrats stand behind him (something Clinton did not do). He was endorsed by Dorgan, Conrad, and Pomeroy, the Congress people

Yet, his speech did not make very many substantive points. He said a lot of phrases that sounded good, but he did not actually say what he was going to do to improve the country. And while messages of unity, and across the aisle bipartisanship, basically sits unevenly with me. I do not actually think that bipartisanship is actually a universal good; it's good if it's for a politically neutral goal, but when it comes right down to it, I want to see "my" side win- I want to see the progressive agenda to get actual play in the United States. I'm not entirely sure how I can compromise with someone who sees me as less than a full citizen, as the Republican aisle does.

Senator Clinton's speech, on the other hand, was heavy on the logos- she was very specific on what she wanted to do, and her speech was peppered with facts and figures. She did have some jokes, the clip that keeps getting an insane amount of air time about how she and her husband don't hate rich people, was actually pretty well received. I was with there with my friend PE, and he said "I can't believe it- she actually has a sense of humor", which I had told him before but he didn't believe me because of the hatchet job she gets in the media.

Her's did not create the sense of energy; leaving the auditorium I heard a lot of college-aged students talking about how she was too long winded and was bogged down in details. Her plane was also late, so by the time she came here a few hundred people had already wandered away.

As for the predictions, Clinton only mentioned the Flood of '97 once, instead of twice. Otherwise, I was right on. Obama expressed how Clinton would be better than McCain, Clinton did not reciprocate.

Holy Crap!

2008-04-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

Both Obama AND Clinton will be talking at the Democratic convention here in Grand Forks. I have tickets to go watch them, and I promise to blog about it after the fact (I don't think I can liveblog it, unfortunately). This is the biggest thing to happen to Grand Forks, politically, since...well, nothing really important politically happens here.

I'm not entirely sure why they are coming to the middle of no where North Dakota, but the most plausible theory is Obama is coming as a thank-you for Dorgan, Conrad, and Pomeroy for endorsing him, (and endorsing him early) and Clinton's coming because she cannot possible afford to lose anymore superdelegates.

Anyway, here are my predictions:
Hillary Clinton will mention the Flood if 1997 at least twice.
Obama will soft-peddle the race discussion, and instead focus on the economic problems.
Both canidates will avoid the reproductive rights issue ENTIRELY, unless they are going to answer questions (which I don't think they will) and someone asks. Then, they will say something vague about abortion being bad, but necessary.

Here's my hope, but I wouldn't bet on it:
Both canidates say that the other would be a ground-breaking president, and would be a solid leader.

I want to believe Obama

2008-03-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

I read the transcript of Obama's speech, and I cried. I cried because he said much more eloquently anything I've ever tried to explain about race relations in this country. I cried because it resonated with me. It resonated with me because I have had that cringe moments for family I loved. I understand the tip-toeing around conversations about race, because I'm afraid to face my own racism, and I'm afraid to expose my own ignorance and bigotry. I can remember when I was still religious, and when those bright moments of hope that I got from being part of a community were blighted by the horrible things the pastor said. And I understand the crushing cynicism that I fight against every time I read about this or that thing, or feel the sting of sexism, or hear about racism.

I want this to be the dominant discourse of American politics: not the sloganeering, not the focus testing, but real conversations about the problems in the United States.

Ah me, My Family

2008-03-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

Spring Break has come and gone, and instead of exotic Germany this year, I spent it in not-so-exotic (but still very pleasant) Tucson, Arizona. There I met my cousin, and my mom and dad.

It was fun, if less than productive. I was hoping this week could be used to spur wedding plans, but alas, it was not to be. The only thing wedding-related that is DONE is that I have dance shoes now. That's it.

But, it was interesting talking to my dad; not interesting-good, more like interesting-frustrating-as-fuck. My dad, whom I love, and I do not agree on the nature of reality. Not in a general existential sense (although we disagree on that too) more like what facts ARE. For instance, we started talking about me going into law school, and I was talking about how much I enjoyed Constitutional Law. I made mention to the Bill of Rights, and how it wasn't actually designed to protect individual rights, it was designed to protect states: that states had to power to write laws against freedom of speech and such. He argued with me that wasn't true, that states couldn't go against the Bill of Rights. I said yes, now, but that's only after the 14th Amendment incorporating necessary rights to apply to citizens, and that the second amendment still hasn't been incorporated (although that may change). He argued with me, saying that no, they were all about individual rights. I just gave up at that point, although I didn't do it as gracefully as possible, so he was still mad at me because he (rightly) felt that I was humoring him.

Later, we were talking about welfare and taxes, and I was saying how I thought that it was retarded that we were getting a rebate when we were trillions of dollars in debt. He made the remark that I won't think that way when I have to pay real taxes ("like he does" went unsaid). I said that when I have to pay "real" taxes, I hope I remember how taxes helped me get to the ability to do that. He said "Like what?" I said things like roads, police, infostructure, school...he interrupted me and said that he had paid for my school (well, he paid for some of it). I said I meant K-12, and he said that he paid for that too, my school and every child of lazy parents. I said he contributed to it, but he pressed the point and I just let it go. I made mention that me and hubby will probably be taking advantage of HUD and food stamps, and that those will enable us to be able to make it into the middle, and upper middle class, and when I'm there, I want to extend the same courtesy to those after me. THAT got him really angry: he was railing about people who abused the system, and that he had a cousin that purposely got pregnant just to get a larger cheque of welfare. I said that the amount of money that you get off of welfare is not enough to raise a child, so that doesn't make any sense, and referenced the fact that food stamps, for instance, only gives you 122 dollars a month to live on. He said that people get THOUSANDS of dollars a month of food stamps. I stopped there, because he was really slipping into the racist/sexist mold, and it was just going to piss me off.

So, we couldn't even agree on things that are not uncontroversial, but easily verified facts. Nothing is going to convince my dad that the Bill of Rights was about what the state could do, originally, and nothing will convince him that the max amount of food stamps you can get is 919 dollars a month (and that's for a family of 10). I have no idea where these ideas come from. Nobody in their right freaking mind would have another child just to get a bigger welfare cheque. That is the dumbest thing that I have ever heard. "Let's make my life a million times more complicated by slutting around, risking STDs, so I can get pregnant, risking my health and my life, for a whopping 100 dollars more a month (which doesn't cover diapers), and many, many more hours of demand on my life, just so social services doesn't bother me. It's an asinine concept.

My dad is a smart man, but I swear to godless, he can be amazingly dense.

Getting Married (legally)

2008-02-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

My fiance and I looked it over, and decided two weeks ago that we needed to sign a certificate saying we were married. I need to get him on the lease, and I need health insurance, so I signed piece of paper by the state is what we need to achieve both ends.
We are still going to have a big ceremony in September, so I didn't think that this was that big of deal. I mean, our relationship isn't going to change one iota, so to me this was like akin to playing word games with the government.
Well, we were supposed to be married yesterday, but our good "reverend" (PE, who got himself ordained online in the church of secular humanism) decided he needed to get really, really sick. So, now we have to wait another week, for PE to get better and so his friend R can come up for the weekend to witness.
Our parents were oddly weird about this arrangement. They both came to see the logic in it, but are all upset that they won't be here to see it. I'm like "we're signing a piece of paper and mailing it off, what is there to see?" My friends are also all excited about this, for some odd reason, one they refuse to speak.
Like my friend B, who said that this will be a major change. I said "What change? We're already living together, we slept together years ago, and we're not even getting the social recognition, just the legal ones". He said I was missing the point.
But the thing is, I was getting weirdly excited for this whole marriage thing. And I'm not even entirely sure why. I don't need a piece of paper to know I want to be together forever with my love. I also find it ironic that marriage is supposed to be about me and my love, and so far has more to do with people who aren't us.

Bait and Switch

2008-01-12T01:06:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading "Bait and Switch" by Barbara Ehrenreich. It was about trying to find work in the white collar world with any "gap" in your work history. In it, she talked about a particularily sadistic double-think people have to go through, which is to be "passionate" about a company that will hire you, but perfectly dispassionate about being dismissed.

All of the book reminded me of something that happened in my air transportation class (back when I was trying for an aviation major). My teacher, Prof. G, told us that we had to tell the airline why we were dying to work for them. I asked, "So, you want us to lie?"
"No," he said, "You have to really want to work for them, or else they aren't going to hire you".
I followed up with "What if you don't really want the job, or you aren't particularily passionate about it?"
Instead of answering, he asked "Then why are you applying for a job that you don't want?"
I answered, "Because one has bills to pay, including student loans, because you work a job you don't want to build hours for a job you do"
He said that "You'd never get a job with that kind of attitude" and went on with his spiel about which words to use in a cover letter.
None of the "answers" really addressed the question, but, it did hint around what was going on. It wasn't enough to be skilled, it wasn't enough to be a good employee: if you wanted a job in the corporate world, then you couldn't just fake it, you HAD to be the person who loved the company with an almost cult-like worship. We were getting ridiculously close to the Japanese, who work an extra hour to thank the company for their job.

Another professor, Prof Mustache, was telling us a story in the atrium about an employeer who would go and check the trunk of his prospective employees before hiring them, to see that they were organized enough. I was agast: COPS don't get to look in my trunk in order for me to be a citizen, and I didn't understand what my private life had to do with my ability to fly a plane (particularily for me: my home life is, charitable speaking, chaotic *read, messy*, but my work space is always organized).

The weirdest part of this is, all the other students seemed to just swallow this, without any question. When I questioned these job-gaining tactics, it was I who was looked at like I had grown a third eye, not the teachers.

I don't understand this: companies make their money from the labor of the workers. They are not doing us a favor when they higher us, we are engaging in a (mostly) mutually beneficial relationship. As a worker, I am not a "human resource", I am your wealth. I am not a "payroll expense" I am how a company gets profit. And to do this, I don't have to love the company, I have to work hard, and then at the end of the day, I leave to have a life.

I don't think that I will ever fit into the corporate workplace, and quite frankly, I hope I never have to. It seems insane to me.

My brain, for 10 minutes.

2007-12-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

My body my body what it’s a compliment don’t be so emotional too hysterical Jesus what’s the problems freaking ponies really ied ginmar and her cats ginmar and her trolls safe space on the internet, only on the internet why do they look at me like I’m crazy because I’m weird weird odd duck what are you doing what should I do I don’t know does that mean pointing it out is irrelevant women’s work women’s work not important labor is for the peasants not as important as the rich don’t deserve don’t deserve get ahead with sex bargaining power everyone needs to know how money works because money is the only thing that matters hate money hate it hate it hate it don’t care have to care have to care because money is just a thing a thing that means I deserve or don’t deserve work hard what does that have to do with the price of tea in china eric was in china sometimes he gets it but mostly he don’t bad grammar he gets grammar but can’t get over the idea that even though I can recognize a problem doesn’t mean I can fix it I try and fix it by pointing it out and being aware of it but jeeze why do you have to be so annoying everyone’s eyeballs rolled at the same time being someone’s wife is not the most important thing in the world Spanish teacher’s done it twice now why do you care about the mouthbreathers because because because the mouthbreathers are people, people who think I’m not as important because I’m not hot because I’m female because I’m liberal because I’m atheist because I’m annoying not a closet feminist well it’s okay to be feminist just don’t act on it don’t act on communism un-American of course capitalism is the only way to run a country of course we need federalism no questions no questions I like guns I like guns I don’t like justice system I don’t like cops I don’t like military death destruction death I own my body my body my body damned religion damned religion says I don’t own my own body it’s mine why do you talk about this like you care about babies when was the last time you elected higher taxes why is everyone so cynical why aren’t I I hate makeup I don’t like to wear it I don’t like my hair long Brandon likes my hair long I like to look pretty what the hell is pretty why do I care if someone finds me pretty my friends like me even if they don’t think I’m pretty why can’t I accept that why do I care if I’m pretty pretty is the patriarchy I still like to be pretty I can’t think of what I think pretty would be if I wasn’t sexist would pretty be me I like my breasts I would never get surgery I hate the thought of a diet you can pry my chocolate out of my cold dead hands fat means your lazy and a glutton and don’t work out and therefore are worthless worthless ugly lazy stupid glutton poor dumb bitch cunt whore pussy weak stupid you think your smart but your just lying liar you just want all of your characters to be female why the fuck can they say that when they have dozens and hundreds and millions of white guy characters to choose from self-righteous stupid bastards wouldn’t know how to write a female character you live around females why don’t you know them why do people interrupt me ignore me when I talk assholes say the same thing I just said five seconds ago why does he get the praise I am important I AM IMPORTANT I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY GODDAMNED IT AND IT”S IMPORTANT AND IT’S ABOUT WOMEN AND THINGS ABOUT WOMEN ARE IMPORTANT choices don’t exist in a fucking vacuum and no it’s not that much different to say “modesty” instead of “licentiousness” and even if I’m not beautiful I’m not there for you and stupid cultural script and miniskirts do not make me less valuable and if I want to go around naked that does not say anything whatsoever about what kind of person I am and why can’t you get over yourself and no Christianity Judaism and Muslim are not that damned different and no I will not join your racist talk because yes they treat their women horribly but guess what asshole so do you and you don’t have to leer you enjoy it and not because it’s natural or some bullshit like that but because you like to have power over someone particularly women and you have a nice little justification even though sex is bad bad bad and you can’t admit that you want it must not want it so I’m bad because I’m making you think of sex sex you can’t have sex that you shouldn’t don’t want and so I’m bad must cover up my body of for the love of Christ get over it not that important really sex is sex and I don’t seem to have a problem with thinking you’re attractive without jumping you or overpowering you but what if I do and you’re bigger than me bigger than me stronger than me pain pain pain because you can beat me like my dad beat my mom and tear me down and no one cares because I’m overreacting but goddammit no I’m not and just because I like to snuggle doesn’t mean that you just can do it with me at any time and I’m not a bitch and I hate to be disliked and why is it okay for you but not for me and why does the world ting that my concerns for frivolous or why does the world think that the frivolous concerns are female money money money and I like people I really do and I want people to like me but I want to like me why can’t I like me and I’m angry all the time and worried all the time and I don’t understand why you don’t understand and I have to be patient because THIS one might be sincere and not have an interest in the status quo and that’s bullshit lip service.

Oh, and I have class work coming due.