Causing Accidents

good night and good luck

2009-03-12T21:50:00.003-05:00

On March 17th, St Patrick's Day, my domain name expires. I'm not renewing it. There are a few reasons:

1. Facebook; I'm on it, I catch up with my friends. It's much easier than having to scan a zillion blogs (and I'm still not feelin' RSS feeds)
2. Twitter (when I remember that I have an account)
3. Hate to say it, but total lack of interest
4. Being old. I feel sort of like the geeks in Freaks and Geeks when they go trick or treating.
5. Life is pretty sweet; smooth sailing with no signs of shit storms from any angle.

I thought it would feel weirder to quit. Instead I just feel relieved. I've been blogging in one form or another since 2000, and now it is 2009. That is a good chunk of my 20s documented. It'll be nice to have these words to look at when I'm 80. So future me, don't delete the archives!

2009-02-06T18:58:00.000-06:00

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

goals revisited

2009-01-18T20:06:00.002-06:00

Been making progress on those goals from the last post.

1. Pay down some debt. As in at least 5,000.
--Meeting with two of my pals, one in debt, one who got out of it, soon to work on a plan.

2. Dress better. I used to be a pretty decent dresser, or at least enough to make myself feel good. Being back in SF made me feel glaringly boring and uggo.
--Doing that with the new clothes I've purchased since Xmas.

3. Decorate my apartment with mostly stuff I make.
--Signed up for the ottoman-making class in February. New ottoman!

4. Run. I'm signing up for the Shamrock Shuffle as soon as I get paid Friday.
--Yup - signed up.

California love

2009-01-13T20:37:00.003-06:00

I have returned home to Chicago where my best dude and my fave dog live, after spending a week in the place I wish I called home. Why can't my job and boyfriend and friends just all move to SF with me? Or why can't Chicago magically change and have better weather, more affordable healthy fresh foods, an ocean near it, and be smaller geographically? There was probably 10-12 inches of snow on the ground when I got back. I actually cried a bit on the train home from the airport. Nearly three years here, and I still don't have any love for this town. Friends, significant other, job(s), yes. Much love for those. Not for the city and what is has or doesn't have to offer. I can stick it out two and a half more years, but beyond that?

So what did I do to enjoy my time in CA? I spent the first few days with my aunt and uncle in Menlo Park. They have a house that is more like a retreat than just some home. It is serene, beautiful, comfortable, relaxing. The hosts feed you extremely well. We went on big walks (and I went on runs), ate at an amazing coastal Mediterranean restaurant, drank a lot of wine, saw Frost/Nixon, and enjoyed catching up. This was the longest time I'd gone without seeing them in about 7 years.

Friday I headed up to the city, where I spent the afternoon hanging out with my old coworkers that are near and dear to me as well. It was nice to see that they all missed me because it means I could probably get a job back there if someone would EVER retire. Which they won't because the place is awesome. Stupid faculty status and pay and tenure.

Friday night I met up with my hosts, Patricia and Juan. We got Vietnamese food. I love Vietnamese food, especially bun, more than anything. I've tried four places in Chicago and haven't been impressed. The Vietnamese food here is also a long long train ride away (as well as a bus transfer). It tasted so good. We were all pretty tired so we went home and goofed off a bit before bed.

Saturday I spent the bulk of the daytime with Jake the ex. I hadn't seen him in over two years. We spent most of it asking about mutual acquaintances and family members. Some music talk, some book talk, but it mostly revolved around other people. Weird or normal? I don't know. It went well. I'm so thankful that we didn't have some nasty break up. Four years with someone is a lot of time to have to try to erase. Luckily for me I can look back at it with fondness instead of bitterness.

I spent a bit of time Saturday shopping on my own and getting coffee before I met back up with my hosts for Thai food. There was a schizophrenic in there for about 10 minutes that had to get forced out by the waitress with some help from a few other diners. Local flavor! Then we got these amazing Japanese sweet crepes with combos like strawberries and nutella. We ran into some of their friends, and ate on the sidewalk. Have I mentioned it was 70 and sunny all week? Well it was.

Sunday P and I went shopping all day. Like olden times! When we were exhausted (and full from cupcakes) we went home and ate orzo salad. Then we met up with two old pals. They had a meeting planned to get some fashion show work done, but most of it was about goals for 2009. I left feeling really inspired. My goals are:

1. Pay down some debt. As in at least 5,000.
2. Dress better. I used to be a pretty decent dresser, or at least enough to make myself feel good. Being back in SF made me feel glaringly boring and uggo.
3. Decorate my apartment with mostly stuff I make.
4. Run. I'm signing up for the Shamrock Shuffle as soon as I get paid Friday.

I really liked the evening. It was four women sharing dreams, goofing off, planning for the future...it was really nice and a great way to end a good week. Cheesy.

Monday I flew back home, and I returned to work Tuesday. Swamped! I am looking forward to my semester however. I got glowing reviews from the Fall student evaluations. Should be less stressful than the fall, and at least by the end of it the weather will be warmer.

Lazy 18 days

2009-01-04T23:49:00.003-06:00

I have a few spare moments away from all my lazy-ing about the past 10 days. While most everyone else must return to work tomorrow, January 5th, I have another 8 days off! On Wednesday I'll be heading to California. I'll be in Menlo Park Wed-Friday around noon, then I'll be in SF until I leave Monday morning. 60 degrees, sun, green grass, nice dinner on the coast with my uncle who is turning 75, old friends, old haunts...cannot wait. One of the bits I'm most excited about is simply the chance to run outdoors. Without freezing my ass off.

So what have I done the past ten days? Uhhh...slept a ton, and slept in late a ton. Ate a bunch.

Had Christmas with Nate. That was really nice, relaxing, and exactly how I'd want a holiday to be. He got me the Herzog/Kinski DVD box set, which means I own nearly every major film he's (I guess here he can mean Herzog and Kinski) done. He also bought me a copy of the Murakami Running book I've been raving about. Good job dude! I combo'ed his birthday and xmas by getting him an iphone. His parents got me the Mad Men season 1 dvd, so we've been watching that all week.

I also worked on my reviews/article with Alycia, which has been really exciting and intimidating.

I had a quiet and enjoyable NYE at Ed and Andy's apartment. We ate a lot, played games, sang karaoke. It may be the best NYE I've had in a long time because there weren't any insane expectations on it, yet I wasn't stuck home alone either.

I'll be baking a cake tomorrow for a certain someone who turns 28 on Tuesday. I'll also be trying to use my Macy's gift certificates so I can get some new duds before the trip.

2008

2008-12-21T20:10:00.004-06:00

2008 is almost over. It was a pretty tumultuous year, but in the end an awesome one. I skimmed through all my entries from this year to find the most notable bits:

January: The smoking ban goes into effect. While not a personal event, it made a huge impact on my clothes not stinking and on my general willingness to go out.

January - August: My uncle's discovery and remission of prostate cancer. This guy is like a second dad to me, so I took it really hard. He's old, so even a relatively ok cancer can be a problem. But the old man's a tough dude, and he also has the money to pay for the best and newest treatments. He's better now, ahead of schedule even.

February: I got out of my hellhole apartment and moved into this awesome apartment. This move made a huge difference on my relaxation abilities. I love being home now. I love every inch of this place.

May and August: I got a promotion at the library and also became an adjunct faculty member teaching a class. This all meant more money (but somehow did not assist in my debt paying) and more work. But its work that I enjoy. It is amazing and powerful watching 18 year olds develop their minds and adjust their viewpoints on the world just because of your dinky class. I'm looking forward to this spring semester.

Jan-March: I took a class at Facets where I met Christy (the teacher). She introduced me to Jennifer and Edward, who were transplants from SF by way of New York. These three became my social life for 2008, and I am so happy to have them around. I don't see them as often as I'd like due to the new job.

March: I switched to Wellbutrin and started going to therapy. Wellbutrin, my wonder drug, changed my life. It wasn't a solo effort - other events improved my well-being for the better, but I give credit to this pill for getting be back on the right path after a really bad bout of bummering.

April - October: Trained for a marathon. It is here that I met two more really fun people, Michael and Chris. I talk to them all day on IM at work now. We woke up at 5:30 a.m. every Saturday for 5 months and ran from Foster Ave to 35th and back many times. Too many times probably. The product of this? I lost two jean sizes, meaning I'm finally back to my SF weight. Oh yeah, it also means I ran a marathon and finished it. And loved almost every second of the entire process. The marathon so far is the biggest accomplishment of my life, and also my proudest moment. I want to do it again next year, and instead of the goal of "just f'ing finish it" maybe I'll work on my speed.

Traveled:
June: Anaheim for work. Snoozefest extraordinaire. However it gave me the chance to see all my old SF coworkers, ran into Tim V., and ran 12 miles along a dried up river which was surreal.

October: Went to New York with Nate for Matty's wedding. We had a great weekend with Tamron and Bard, the wedding was great, it was a perfect way to hang out a bunch right in the middle of his first semester of insanely busy grad school.

November: Road trip to Minneapolis with Nate for Thanksgiving. This was a fun and relaxing trip. Any visit to Kevin and Paul's is a guaranteed great time.

November: A president I voted for actually got elected. First time that has ever happened, and I was in Grant Park to witness history. It felt amazing until...

November: A lot of really awful state propositions passed legalizing discrimination. I saw all my friends who had gotten married in California during the summer learn that their marriages are void. Their devastation was too much to handle. Still is.

On the docket for 2009:

-Trip to San Francisco in January. I didn't make it back there in all of 2008.
-Another year with my beloved pup, Audrey. She never lets me down, except when she's pissing me off.
-Hopefully paying off a chunk of my debt, but this depends on some living factors all lining up correctly.
-Running another race or two.
-More good movies to watch and books to read.
-Year 3 of lazy summer afternoon baseball watching and neighborhood dog walks with Nate. Hopefully a summer trip to somewhere.

No, I wasn't beaten up.

2008-12-14T16:46:00.006-06:00

This has been a tough week. Last weekend I had all these heat problems, which really stressed me out. They seemed to be resolved early in the week. I had to grade all my final papers, which was equal parts frustrating, exhausting, and mildly satisfying. By Thursday life was looking up; I was mostly done grading, the heat had been fine for a few days, I got HD satellite all hooked up. Then Thursday night my heat died again, and my microwave kept resetting. My DVR/direct tv box was resetting too, which is infuriating when you're trying to record 30 Rock! The power here was a mess. I had everything turned off - all lights, all appliances except the refrigerator, and my furnace still didn't have enough power to turn on all the way.

I emailed my landlord, who is always very prompt about fixing things, and told him the power was going nuts and was affecting my heater. I went to bed. The power seemed to be ok throughout the night, but when I woke up it was 50 degrees in my place. I figured that meant the heater broke again. I emailed him again saying it seems like the power is better, but the heater isn't. He sent out some old Polish dude who was really patronizing to me when I was trying to explain that it was NOT the pilot light (like last time), and that there was a power issue. He kept saying, "I know exactly what is going on" and not listening to me. He installed another thingy to the pilot light. Wrong problem jerk. During all this my dog is totally freaking out, and I'm all stressed out trying to keep her under control and worrying about the heat.

I hear the guy calling someone and saying he needs an electrician here because there isn't enough 'juice' (yeah idiot, I told you that and you refused to listen). I emailed my landlord to say the microwave and DVR reset again, so the power is still busted. I have to leave the house to go to a doctors appointment with my new general doctor.

On the way there I get a call from my therapist. She informs me that "we" (uhh...) miscounted the number of sessions I had left, and that in fact I owe in full for my last 2-3 therapy sessions. Those are 125 bucks a pop. Apparently my 3 minute psychiatrist appointments, where all I do is go in and say yep I'm good give me a refill, count as 'counseling' sessions against my health insurance. So I had cancel the rest of my 2008 sessions (2 more), and now I'm out nearly 400 dollars that I don't have.

Sidenote: this week I got a letter from one of my credit card companies informing me they are halving my credit limit because I have too many cards with too high of balances. So now my credit looks worse because they just knocked 3400 dollars off my total limit. Thanks. It was really embarrassing, and was a reminder of how messed up my money is. As a result I spent all Wednesday night working on budgeting, only to get this huge wrench thrown at me in the form of messed up therapy costs.

The irony? Therapy is supposed to help me stay not stressed out, and now its caused a huge amount of stress. Right at Christmas time when I need to be buying people gifts.

Anyway, back to Friday. I sit in the waiting room for new doctor unsuccessfully holding back tears. They call me in, and I found out that I am two weeks short of it being a full year since my last 'lady physical' so they won't cover it and I'll need to return in 2009. 14 days. Ridiculous. So we made up some other reason to have me there, which was to get my Wellbutrin prescription switched to this new lady since there's no way I'm wasting 3-4 therapy sessions on those ridiculous psychiatry appointments. I left with 3 months of birth control and Wellbutrin and a new appointment for January. I just have to remember that at least I have health insurance. Many of my friends have been laid off this year and don't.

Meanwhile, there are all sorts of people at my place trying to figure out what's wrong. They determine it is ComEd's fault (our city's energy provider). ComEd isn't sending enough power to our building and needs to turn some other switch on to allow more power to the building. That makes sense to me. They said they'd be over asap (this was noon). I beg Nate to race to my house to console the dog and be there in case they show up. Friday was the one day all semester that I couldn't miss my reference desk shift because everyone was gone at a conference.

When I get home my landlord calls to say ComEd told him they came and turned the switch on. Nate confirmed all power shut off for around 30 seconds about 15 minutes prior so I'm feeling confident about this. Things were fine for 3 hours and then it happened again - the microwave and cable box both turned off. The heat however, seemed mostly ok and still does. Problem persists and landlord has been contacted again.

I feel really bad about having to bug him all the time lately since he is a really great landlord, but heat and tv are crucial to my peacefulness at home, and home is crucial to my overall mental state. So yeah, Friday was a really shitty day.

Saturday was much much better. Nate and I went to Torri and Miller's for the annual holiday cookie party. I had a lot of fun playing with their tiny tots and eating cookies all afternoon. Somewhere in there I realized my jaw really hurt on my left side, like it had been hit hard and was bruising. Nate and I head home after a good time there, and take naps before going to another holiday party. While I'm laying down my face hurts really badly. I look in the mirror and the left side of my face around my jaw is all swollen as if I had just had my wisdom teeth out. I feel a lump in there too, so I freak out about it.

We headed to Kara's for her formal holiday party. We both looked pretty dang good despite my swollen face. It was fun to get dressed up, and we had a good time. My friend Tim who is becoming a Physician's Assistant was able to figure out what is wrong with my face. He thinks, and I'd have to agree, that my saliva gland on my left side is infected. Disgusting. Warm compresses and salt water washes my make it go away, but I'll probably have to see my doctor. Wish this would have happened 24 hours sooner, since I was already at my doc's office.

Now it is Sunday. My face is still painful and swollen. Compresses haven't had any effect yet. I look like I got punched in the face. The power was doing just fine until I did two loads of laundry in the basement - each time I turned on the dryer my stuff in my place turned off. I'm hoping that nobody else does laundry or runs some space heater so I can have a non-stressful evening.

Many people believe that stress has a negative impact on your health, and I agree. I had a horrifically stressful week and now I have a freak infection. I'm glad Saturday was such a fun day though. It helped me a bit. Monday I'm going to run on the treadmills at work. I have developed a hatred for running indoors, but I think the exercise will help my mood. It kept me feeling good all summer, and since I've stopped running on October 12th I've had two colds, one sinus infection (first in over a decade), and now this weird lump. I guess I can't afford to wait until spring to pick up running again.

I'm really hoping that ComEd and my landlord figure out what the hell is going on at my building and resolve it by the time I get home tomorrow. I just want this mess over with so I can enjoy being at home again. Then I'd only have the money and the lump to keep me stressed out.

crafty weekend

2008-12-07T19:33:00.003-06:00

This was the first weekend where I've had zero obligations, zero school work, nothing. The work week felt a little easier knowing I had an open weekend on the horizon. Friday night I went with Jacob and Wendy to get tortas at this ridiculously cheap place in Pilsen. I always like poking around in Pilsen, since I say every year "maybe I'll move down there." Maybe next year.

Saturday I got to spend the entire day with Nate, which has been a rarity lately. He's almost done with finals, and the worst was Friday. He decided to not do any work Saturday to make up for it. We went to DEPART-ment, a DIY craft exhibition that is about a 10 minute walk from my house. He picked up a gift for his sister, and I bought a new light switch cover and a Schells Export Beer can (with amazing deer head) that had been converted to a candle. It's very cabin-chic. We spent the rest of the day catching up on tv shows, beating each other down in Bond, and reading. That's my definition of a perfect day. If my heat worked the entire time it would have been a bit better.

Today, inspired by the fact that the cold did not deter me from DEPART-ment yesterday, I met up with Brooke for lunch then we went to the Renegade Craft Fair, another DIY craft thing only four times the size (and four times the price and crowds). I picked up a bag from these guys. I really like the colors and its the perfect size for bringing to work.

Both events got me jazzed to do crafty things like build an ottoman. If the past 27 years of my life are any indicator, I'll never do any of the ideas I got this weekend.

If I keep up these plans to go out during the day on weekends I think I'll be able to avoid the winter blues, or at least not get them in the magnitude I had last year. Only 2.5 more weeks of work until I get 11 days off!

Book of 2008

2008-12-02T23:15:00.004-06:00

It seems really fitting that I'm reading Murakami's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running in the last month of 2008. I'm 50 pages in (it's less than 200) and its proven to be an uncanny summation of my year socially, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's oddly validating to see my 2nd favorite writer (only behind Tolstoy) say things that I had been thinking (and feeling guilty about thinking) and have him say its ok to think those things. It's like a therapist inside a book, and his tone makes you feel like he's on the phone with you. Maybe it won't work for people who don't run or don't write, but holy shit if you do either of those (or both) you have to read this book. Murakami details how his writing career and running progressed together in his late 20's and early 30s. I can't say its the most well written book ever, but after teaching a semester-long course on memoirs it's a well done memoir. I'm really excited I remembered to grab this book, and I am loving the timing. If I didn't have to work tomorrow I'd finish it now..

But don't take my word for it...

Happy Beaujolais Nouveau Day!

2008-11-20T22:14:00.003-06:00

It's the third Thursday of November. No, that does not mean "only 1 week till Thanksgiving!" It means that the Beaujolais Nouveaus are released today! Gotta love super-new wine that has a law on when it can be distributed. My aunt and uncle in California celebrate this day every year. On Thanksgiving we would try as many different bottles as they could get their hands on in Menlo Park. This meant I'd try nearly 10 different wines over the course of the day. And they don't 'try' wines, they drink the whole glass. One year I spilled a full glass of BN on Jake's nice grey pants. Whoops. I miss celebrating this tradition with my uncle and aunt.

But have no fear! I'm planning on commemorating it with Kevin and Paul next week. Hopefully I'll be able to find a few bottles in Chicago before we head to their house. Nate and I will be going to Minneapolis for the holiday weekend to attend the Alternative Family Thanksgiving: a lesbian couple, gay couple, and unwed straight couple will be passing plates and drinks around. Audrey will be in tow. She loves the car, so I'm excited to bring her along. She also looks exactly like Kevin and Paul's dog, Sally, only 40 pounds smaller. I can't wait to take a long drive, get out of town, and relax.

Anti-H8 Rally in Photos/Videos

2008-11-16T12:07:00.003-06:00

No camera = no photos of my own. Here's how the day went using other people's images.

The rally:

via mjkmjk

via mjkmjk

via grantgochnauer

Good signs:

via swyngarden

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via swyngarden

The march, which effectively shut down downtown traffic with no permits!

via infosleuth

See? No permits = stuck truck = awesome

via chadn

My friend Mark's in this picture:

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I've never seen The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence outside of San Francisco - this protest was like a return in home in too many ways.

via feastoffools

The march - the march was a bit messy at first. The cops on horses refused to let us march. It was a bet tense at first because the cops were herding us into these gates where there'd be no way to get out safely if shit happened. When they did let us go, they only wanted us to march on one side of the sidewalk, stopping at all traffic signals. That lasted about two blocks before they gave up and we took over. Then we didn't go any route that the organizers told them. We ended up winding through the loop and up to the magnificent mile, where tourists were gawking. It was incredible to be a part of, and Christy and I were crying for much of the march.

This video shows a good part of how we were stuck, then how we became unstuck:

Here is where we crossed the bridge and went down mag mile. All traffic was stopped and most of the cars were high-fiving us and honking.

It was fucking cold out and windy as hell, but we stuck it out for four hours. I think about how many people in four states just got told by their peers and their government that they can fuck off and are truly second class citizens, and it breaks my heart. I think about my gay and lesbian friends that got married in SF over the summer (four of them) that are now being told their marriage is illegitimate and how devastated they are. The complacency surrounding this situation is disgusting and disheartening. There was one poster that said "I can't believe I'm still protesting this crap" then had 3 check boxes, women's rights, black rights, gay rights, and only the first two had checks in them. That poster sums it up - not that women or black people have everything fine and dandy - but that the gay civil rights movement began with stonewall and still forty years later there's been almost no progress. Not just no progress, but active groups lobbying against gay rights and actually succeeding. Money talks: Find out who near you donated for or against 8 (I can't find similar lists for AZ, FL, and Arkansas).

From Keith Olbermann's incredible speech on November 10th, which is youtube'd below.

I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

two videos

2008-11-10T21:58:00.002-06:00

Olbermann made me cry tonight (seriously, best anti-Prop 8 thing I've seen):

Cat in box made me laugh:

Change

2008-11-07T14:09:00.003-06:00

I feel an obligation to write about going to Grant Park for the Obama rally on Tuesday, but I also don't know what to say that hasn't been said a thousand times about the victory and the event. I was there with this guy, so I'll let his excellent recap serve as mine.

I do know that I'm concerned his victory will overshadow some of the truly heinous and hateful propositions that passed on Tuesday such as gay marriage bans Prop 8 in CA and Amendment 2 in FL, and Act 1 that makes it illegal to be an unwed couple, gay or straight, to foster or adopt in Arkansas. Also my home state of Nebraska passed Initiative 424, which rewrites the state constitution to eliminate equal opportunity programs. So while we all celebrate the end of GOP control of the White House, millions of our fellow Americans are being given the finger in the state law books and constitutions. I hope people remember that not all tears shed on Tuesday came from joy. I hope that the momentum that propelled Obama to the White House continues and rallies behind those who's lives are devastated by those propositions. Nobody deserves to be a second class citizen.

I told my grandma I was at the rally and that it felt really special to be a part of that event. I told them about how touched I was by seeing grown men cry in public, multi-generational hugs, and everyone being friendly and jubilant. It was like New Years Eve, only sober and meaningful. My grandma emailed me back, and as usual she continues to be one of the coolest 85 year old lived in Idaho and Nebraska her whole life lady on earth. In Omaha identifying as a democrat carries as much stigma as saying you have AIDs, and she writes me this:

We were just as thrilled and we imagined you there -- as one of those heads that extended into the distance. It still doesn't sink in that it is true. We in this county, and district 2 [Omaha], are waiting for the early mail-in votes (like your 5 family members) and provisional votes to be counted, to be finished next week, and that could give an electoral vote to Obama---proud !

I risked my reputation as "One of the good people"" and my continuing friendship with 2 of my "good" friends by defending and supporting Obama to their ear (over the phone) and telling them that he IS NOT a MUSLIM and Socialist, and there is not anything SCARY about what will happen to the U.S. if he was elected. And I can feel proud of not "going along" just to be agreeable. I've known that I am not in tune with them in other ways too. In Omaha we saw only one Obama sign and Grandpa was the only one in his coffee/golf bunch that is a democrat---that was Omaha ---the young and blacks and a few of our kind really fooled Omaha!

pulse check

2008-10-21T20:07:00.003-05:00

I'm alive. Busy but alive. I wanted to thank everyone who came to support me during the marathon. The cheers and hilarious signs made a huge difference for me. Without them I probably would have quit.

Last weekend I saw all 3 friend groups in the same weekend, which was good but exhausting. Friday was the film people at Club Foot, Sat was the runner friends AND the old tymer friends. It was the first weekend I had a chance to go out in months, so I made sure to take full advantage.

I also stuck to that promise I made to organize my office/spare room, which took nearly a day. I worked a lot too. I have a ton of work to do before I can leave for New York Thursday morning. I hate how you have to do so much work just to take a vacation.

The next time I write on this thing one of my life long best friends will be married. Congratulations Matty, you met the female you and its awesome and I couldn't be any happier for you and your lady. I may give a tipsy toast, you've been warned.

The marathon in 26.2 words (a contraction is a .2 in my book)

2008-10-19T22:10:00.002-05:00

Last Sunday I completed the Chicago Marathon. Crossing the finish line wasn't as emotional as I was expecting. I was too physically exhausted to have feelings.

The marathon is Sunday

2008-10-09T23:27:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I'll be running 26.2 miles, joining the masses who have done this ridiculous race since 490 B.C.. May 3, 2008 was the first run with the AIDS Marathon people, and a few weeks before that was my first run in over a year. That means 26 weeks of training, and 23 Friday nights gone so I could get up and run with my pace group. More often than not Saturday was wasted from exhaustion and soreness. An entire summer of weekends was sacrificed for this goal. What the hell was I thinking? I wanted to do something good with my life and I also wanted to show myself I could do something really hard. Turns out I did it.

I'm really proud of myself - indescribably proud. I've never been one to take on giant tasks and I certainly haven't finished any bigger activity I started. A marathon has to be one of the more difficult physical and emotional activities a person can do, and I stuck with it despite an IT band injury and countless times of doubt. Sometimes when you are running 20 miles it becomes such an emotional experience. You feel like you can't finish it, but quitting would make you feel worse than the pain you have in your legs. The thought of quitting would bring tears to my eyes, and its really hard to be choked up and run at the same time. When I was injured in July and couldn't run or had to stop a run early I came home and sobbed as a result. Training gave me this new level of determination I've never had before. I always felt like everybody around me thinks that I'm lazy and don't really do anything outside of my job because I don't do music/art/film. I think that feeling was mostly me projecting onto others that I thought I was lazy and a waste of space. Now I can prove myself and any doubters of me wrong. Gotta admit that feels awesome. I certainly didn't think I'd get very far on this, and I felt like it was just assumed or expected that I'd quit. As a result, it feels awesome to be where I am now after so much self-doubt and zero confidence I could do it.

I also raised $1,500 for all local Chicago nonprofits that help HIV/AIDS programs. Last night at our big pasta party a woman spoke to us who has been living with HIV for 20 years and has benefited greatly from a nonprofit that works specifically with female HIV victims. It was really sad, and I felt good that the money I raised would help this woman and thousands of other Chicagoans. Nate came with and he said he left the event all inspired too. Apparently one of my running friends sitting with us choked up (I didn't see it), so I'm not the only one who's been really moved by this experience.

I've been really stressed out and emotional the past few weeks. I believe its from the impending race and the knowledge that after the race I return to 'normal'. The race has me really freaked out. I'm excited to run it but I'm terrified I'll get hurt and not finish. Not finishing would be a massive disappointment to me. It's just not an option. I think I should be ok because my two favorite running pals and I have a pact - we are going to start and finish together. It'll be one big race o' cheesiness. I wouldn't want to do it without them though; you really get to know someone at their core when you only see them at 7 am on Saturdays and in various stages of physical and emotional strain.

I feel like I haven't conveyed enough to myself and those around me how special this experience has been. It seemed as if even Nate didn't truly understand the magnitude of the race and the fundraising until he came to that pasta party last night, and he talks to me more than anybody. Simply put it's the biggest most important accomplishment I've had in my life so far. I'm prouder of myself for this run than for anything else I've done - beyond my career, moving all over, fixing my shit when it needs fixing, everything. The training and upcoming marathon have shown me that I have more willpower and drive than I knew about. I hope those qualities don't disappear after this. Makes me think I need a new 5 month all-consuming goal to start in November.

Thanks to all of you who cheered me on, inquired about my training, told me you thought it was really cool, donated money, checked in on me etc. Extra special thanks to Nate for babysitting me after some of the worst runs by walking Audrey when I couldn't go up and down a flight of stairs, and for listening to me cry and fret over something silly like running. Couldn't have done this without you.

And finally, I hear you are supposed to reward yourself after the marathon. I think my reward will be to finally finish my office/spare room and not feel guilty about the cost.

adorbs yes?

2008-10-02T21:21:00.004-05:00

Matty's wedding is coming up. Took forever to find a dress that I could afford but that wasn't junky and lame. Found this buddy, in a size 4 k thx marathon.

I'll stand like the model the entire wedding.

P.S. it has pockets! adorbs.

P.P.S. some awesome tights will make it awesomer.

P.P.P.S. Sarah Palin, oh my god, worst.

same old, same old. no problem.

2008-09-28T19:05:00.004-05:00

I've decided I'll watch the Amazing Race this season. Fox Reality channel (who knew there was a channel dedicated to reality tv?) played a marathon of the show over the weekend in prep for tonight's premiere. They succeeded in reeling me in. It's an easy show to watch, on a dead night for tv (other than Mad Men) and I can have it on in the background while I work. I've dedicated too much time to this topic so moving on.

What have I done in 10 days? I don't know. Worked. Ran. Slept. I worked today, so lucky me gets a 6 day work week. I messed my hip up in my huge run last week, which messed my left I-T band up, so I ditched out of the 8 mile run Saturday around mile 3. I'm not exacerbating an I-T problem two weeks before the marathon.

Saturday afternoon Nate and I took Audrey to the dog beach. You know I have to say this: it was totally snoozeville compared to Fort Funston. Audrey hasn't been to a beach in two years, and Fort Funston has limitless running, no fences, crabs to chew on, good stuff. This 'beach' on Lake Michigan was fenced-in, small and had no crabs or fun stuff to dig up. Audrey seemed to have fun despite my 'tude towards the place. She met some other dogs her size and they stuck together. She also faced her fear of water by almost touching it to steal a tennis ball on the shore. I think she is the only dog ever to be afraid of water. Figures she's my dog. We took lots of pictures but Nate hasn't uploaded them yet for me to post.

Then we sat at home. He's constantly swamped at school, like 12-14 hour days multiple times a week and 7 day work weeks swamped. I'm pretty busy and exhausted too from the course I'm teaching and from running. So when the weekend hits neither one of us is up for doing much other than vegging out in front of the tv. This has been the typical weekend for us since his school started. At least we're saving money.

trips

2008-09-18T21:01:00.003-05:00

Three weeks from Sunday is the marathon. Whoa. This Saturday is 23 miles. Whoa. Been working really hard for it: eating appropriately, not drinking (although that's not new), going to bed on time, doing all my shorter runs. I'm ready.

Two exciting things:

1. Nate and I are going to New York at the end of October. He has to go that weekend with his class and I coincidentally have to be there for a wedding. So now we get a mini-vacation! Too bad we don't really like New York. It'll be great anyway, and now I have a date for the wedding.

2. Then a month later we are renting a car and driving to Minneapolis (with Audrey!) for the Alternative Family Thanksgiving at Kevin and Paul's place. I. Can't. Wait. I don't even know when the last time was that I was at their house. At least a year? Too long. Heated tile floor here I come.

Rain Delay

2008-09-14T23:00:00.004-05:00

Thanks to the downpour all weekend my 23 mile run was canceled. I woke up at 4 a.m. Saturday, stretched, ate a huge carbo-breakfast, Body Glided my feet, and braved the nasty rain to get to the Damen bus at 5:18 a.m.. I transfer to the Lawrence bus, where some scary bums were hanging out. I get off at the lake, and this guy is running. He shouts out "Chicago AIDS Marathon?" I say "yes." He tells me they canceled the run. Thanks for the email dudes! I spent an hour getting there, I was drenched, and I got to turn right back around on the bus. This is a time when a gal wants a car.

It was better to have it canceled than attempt to run in that monsoon. However, it sucked going to bed at 9 on Friday and waking up so early for nothing. I also spent the whole week mentally and physically preparing for this run, and now I have to repeat it all over again. Including the stress and scary feelings. I also missed hanging out with my running buddies.

So Saturday was a wash (a wash, get it? rain..wet...wash...). Sunday was much better. Nate and I had waffles and coffee, read the paper, watched mythbusters, watched Walk Hard (stupid but good for a Sunday), played katamari for hours, ordered a pizza, watched Fringe and BB10. So lots of lounging. He left to do homework and I've spent the last few hours grading papers.

This week will be just like last week, only hopefully this time it will culminate in a 23 mile run.

the human fund

2008-09-08T20:33:00.004-05:00

You know that Seinfeld episode where George gives people fake gifts that say "a donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"? If you don't it's right above this sentence. The Human Fund is "money for people." I'd like some of that right now. Audrey had her annual vet visit which includes various vaccines and prescriptions for flea/tick/heartworm meds, and a poo sample. She cried the whole time and had to be muzzled again. She shed everywhere - the hair was coming off in clumps. It was heartbreaking to see her so upset. The price of this experience? $400. Four.hundred.dollars. I had to charge it. It'll be months before I have this gone. I hate that just when I'm about to make a dent in debt I have some huge bill. I'm also paying a bunch for a ticket to New York in October. I'm accepting human fund donations.

Audrey's lucky I love her so much and have a super awesome time on our awesome walks and dog park visits with her and Nate. Otherwise she'd be working the corner to pay me back. She's a cute bitch, many a stud would take her.

What can 400 dollars get me?
-four months of therapy
-half of the HDTV I desperately want
-a plane ticket to San Francisco for a trip I desperately need
-the arm chair I want for cozy reading time
-1.5 night stands
-over 200 cups of coffee from a coffee shop which would be almost a year of coffee before work
-a new fall wardrobe

These will all have to be put off now. Boo.

Season finale and fall previews

2008-09-01T22:06:00.004-05:00

The whole summer's-over-on-Labor-Day thing is sort of funny because it was over awhile ago for me. Academic calendars care not about normal people calendars. For lack of anything else to write about let's recap my summer. For me summer starts at the end of finals in May, which is a week or two before Memorial Day. In semi-chronological order:

I entertained people at my house for my birthday, which is noteworthy because I never have people over.

I went to Anaheim for a work conference. It was dumb.

I ran a shitload. If I had to estimate I'd say I've ran around 300 miles since mid-May. I love it but it has been so much more time consuming than I had expected. Gone are the Friday nights. Instead I have 5 a.m. wake-ups on Saturdays and two more days a week of running on my own. Usually I'd be so tired from the Saturday run I couldn't even go out Saturdays. Didn't get out much but it didn't bother me much either.

I went to my first Chicago beach. It was unimpressive. Only good thing was that I felt pretty a-ok about bikini-time thanks to running.

My friend and my uncle both got their cancers into remission. My cousin had a baby - the first in the new generation of our tiny family.

I got a promotion. Then another one. I now have three job titles, and the work to match. More not going out resulted. Also more stress and responsibility. Boo. And money. Yay.

Nate reappeared. Hung out a lot. Coffee and waffles in the morning followed by baseball-watching afternoons resumed. Threw him a surprise BBQ. Been good.

I saw only one movie in the theater: Dark Knight.

I went to two weddings. One really nice, one the exact opposite of anything I'd ever want for mine.

I made in-roads at sprucing up my apartment.

Continued hanging out with my 'new' friends. Can't call them new anymore huh? Made more new friends in my running group.

Went to a bunch of White Sox games.

Did not watch nearly enough films.

Had my brother visit for a few days.

I feel like I'm missing something but probably not. Running and work has dominated my summer. Overall rating? 4 out of 5 stars. I told Nate today that I was looking forward to the coziness of fall, the electric blankets, sweaters (more importantly doggy sweaters!), leaves falling, warm soup dinners, Christmas tree in the corner... Someday the world will invent a winter without cold temperatures but with all the good stuff.

Fall plans: completing my first marathon, making it through teaching this class, finishing my 'office', paying down some debt with my new income, visiting Kevin/Paul for Thanksgiving, Matty's wedding in October, and hopefully seeing a White Sox world series victory.

my [non]weekend update

2008-08-25T22:37:00.002-05:00

My weekend was a total bust. I went to bed early Friday so I could get up at 4:30 on Saturday morning to run 20 miles. When I woke up and walked the dog at 4:40 the weather was already really humid and warm. I knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant run, but was still pretty excited. Christy and Edward were going with me as water volunteers, meaning they would stand at certain points on our trail and give us all water. I got all teary-eyed when they told me they wanted to do it because god knows what it takes to get anybody out of bed that early, let alone that early and for 6 hours outdoors. Christy even made a t-shirt that said Run [name] Run! Three cheers for support.

Unfortunately the heat got the best of me. The first 10 miles were fine. My IT-band was holding up, the hamstrings were good, I felt better than I've felt on a run in a long time. Except for how hot I was. The sun was beating down with zero cloud coverage, and the (concrete) trail we were on had absolutely no shade. Around mile 14 I felt really really awful, so I walked a few more miles instead of running. At the 18 mile marker I was so dizzy I couldn't stand up and I was seeing spots. I decided I'd rather live than finish those two miles. So I had to get picked up and driven back to our starting point. I was so so so upset. I felt like a huge failure, but I've never done well with heat. In middle school I barfed on the soccer field during a tournament due to heat. Guess it hasn't gotten any better. For what it's worth, some people got carted off in ambulances from the run. At least that wasn't me.

This has left me totally paranoid about the marathon. Last year it was 95 degrees, what if it's hot again? Edward drove me home, Nate showed up to assist with Audrey while I recovered and I totally lost it. I cried over how upset I was that I didn't finish especially because my leg was doing so well. I was also totally exhausted and sun burned. It wasn't good. I took a nap the rest of the afternoon then we got dinner at tecalitlan and I went back into bed. Another weekend lost to running, and this time it wasn't even worth it.

Sunday we watched our requisite afternoon baseball games. Then in the evening I went to Christy's for a screening. It was pretty horrid. I'm no Warhol fan, and I'm especially not a fan of his avant garde films. It was 66 minutes of us watching a man's face as he got a blow job. I almost fell asleep. Oh well, I guess it's hard to get a hold of this so it's good I went? At least I had fun with my pals. I miss having free time to see them regularly like I did in the spring.

In other news Audrey's decided she doesn't need fur anymore and has shed almost all of it off. I'm vacuuming multiple times a day at this point. Stupid balding dog. I sold some stuff on craigslist which gets me one step closer to finally finishing that spare room. I also got my final Gardasil/HPV vaccine today. I still am unsure why I got these when at 27 it seems sort of like the damage is done, no?

(foam) rollin' along

2008-08-20T21:52:00.002-05:00

I just finished last Sunday's episode of Mad Men, and I think it was the best episode of the entire series. Too soon?

So it's been a week. In that week I've worked. At home, at work, in my sleep. When I wasn't working I was running or throwing a surprise party (also took a lot of work). The class I'm teaching is looking good so far, but it will all depend on if the students are talkers or not.

I run 20 miles on Saturday at 6:30 a.m.. I'm really f'ing nervous about making it all the way through without the IT band breaking in half. This also means that my entire weekend is shot. Friday is early to bed, Saturday is recovery, Sunday is probably more recovery. When I did 17 miles, I slept the entire weekend after that. Starting to feel 'over' this whole running thing. Or at least the super long runs. Good thing I only have 20, 23, and then the Real Deal 26.2 left for long runs. After this marathon I'll go back to 4-5 miles instead.

pre-bedtime bloggin'

2008-08-13T22:54:00.002-05:00

Poo. My new West Elm bed frame (in chocolate) didn't make it here today. Rather, I wasn't here to receive it. Hopefully tomorrow they can leave it in the backyard and I can dash out of work at 3. We'll see. I really want to get it set up and start looking at alternative ideas for headboards. For now I'm thinking paint or a blik graphic. I don't have space for a 'real' headboard. It feels good getting some of my furniture upgraded to 'adult.' I foresee cute little fabric/canvas storage boxes underneath it peakin' on out. Storage for shit I don't have.

Remember how my 2008 started off super shitty and stayed that way for awhile? Friends and family getting cancers, wicked bout of depression that I'm hoping was seasonal, stress at work when we were "asking" someone to leave, a forced stint in the single world...it was bad. In the past month or two things have turned around, which makes me question my declaration that 2008 is the worst year ever. In my quest to find memoir-y blogs for a potential assignment, I came across a call girl blog that had some meme on gratitude. I traced it back and it was clearly some self-started meme, not some giant never ending making its way 'round the internets meme. Whatever. It seemed like a good and positive idea. So...

Five things for which I have gratitude:

1. My health. My friend Isobelle had lymphoma, uncle had (keyword here is HAD, he just found out they think its gone) prostate cancer, grandma went to the hospital, mom's always sick, Leticia getting a hip replacement at 28. Yikes. I'm really grateful that I have no major health problems. I've been able to train for a marathon with only a brief setback that was self-imposed (lazy stretching habits). I haven't been sick with any great frequency, and those illnesses are nothing more than colds. Watching some near and dears have life threatening conditions this year has really made me appreciate my health. It ain't something to squander.

2. My job. I love my job, and I love all the opportunities it has given me over two years. I love my coworkers. A long time ago I had really horrid coworkers and it can run a job. I think its actually fun to go to my job. I love that they think I'm worthy and capable of being a lecturer for a semester long course. I think the school does some really innovative cool stuff. I'm also really f'ing lucky that I have above average job security in this awesome recession.

3. The centuries of women who came before me and fought for what is/was just. In preparing for my course I've been refreshing on various civil rights movements including the many waves of feminism. I know that I have far fewer hurdles in life because of women who made a big ole stink and refused to be told to shut up or calm down.

4. My apartment. It sounds materialistic yes. But it's more than just really liking my apartment. Its being grateful that I even have a roof over my head, let alone one that I was able to select that meets my needs and I can live in without roommates. One that is a safe place and a place of refuge. Not many people can say that about their living situations. I know that no matter what shit came my way during the day, I can come home to my sanctuary with zero intrusions.

5. Supportive family, friends and boyfriend. There have certainly been times this year that I've needed support more than normal - March-April-May being the most obvious and public one. Then the marathon - the financial donations as well as the words of encouragement and the stream of "I'm proud of you I could never do that" comments make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I've never had to ask for money before for an activity and I was pretty amazed at people's generosity. The marathon has dominated my life the past few months and people have let me prattle on and on about it when its probably really uninteresting.