tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2423593840360177626.post-17779783875751470472008-04-14T07:30:00.000+01:002008-04-14T07:30:00.752+01:00<div class="asktheguru">Oh wise one,<br />Thank you for showing that <a title="The evilness of Duck Kind" href="http://freelanceguru.co.uk/2008/03/slightly-unbalanced-duck-tails.html">ducks need the attention they deserve</a>.<br /><br />But please tell me why my car has become the <a title="Birds of a feather crap together" href="http://mygrimmreality.blogspot.com/2008/03/birds-of-feather-crap-together.html">bullseye for all bird droppings</a> when it is not even close to a tree or building?<br /><br /><a title="A million times better than the movie" href="http://mygrimmreality.blogspot.com/">Grimm</a></div><br /><a title="Blogography's poppy car" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.blogography.com/archives/2008/03/weave.html"><img style="border: 0pt none ; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://bp3.blogger.com/_GVsVdk__XXc/SAJNMoVd_sI/AAAAAAAAAeg/Qg2Bt4gZzck/s200/Birdpoop.jpg" alt="A bird dropping hit car" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5188794600065466050" border="0" /></a><p class="openparagraph">My <a href="http://freelanceguru.co.uk/2008/03/slightly-unbalanced-duck-tails.html">feelings on birds have been made clear</a>, and I won't dwell on them here. Suffice to say, it was birds, and British weather, that forced me to install a clear Perspex roof over my pole. The birds found this hilarious and made it opaque within a day. I am convinced they do it deliberately. When you're stood 15 foot above the ground winged creatures perceive you as a threat and attack you anyway possible. I'm just glad horses haven’t learnt how to fly yet.<br /><br />I could find no research on this topic (scientists largely being cyclists) but it is <a title="An article on birds by birds, or something like that" href="http://www.birdwatchersgeneralstore.com/gracklepoop.htm">widely believed that birds have colour preferences</a>. In nature they prefer to excrete in water, leaving no visible traces and keeping the location of their nests a secret. If your car is black, blue, or green, it may be that birds mistake it for a lake, pond or a public toilet.<br /><br /><a href="http://malaysia.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070526102423AAg4m0O">They seem to especially enjoy splattering red cars</a>. It is possible this is because they’re naturally attracted to red, <a href="http://freelanceguru.co.uk/2008/03/love-anger-and-communism.html">the colour of berries, fruit and Virgin Broadband</a>. Or it could simply be that birds hate a flashy car just as much as the next species.<br /><br />If none of this rings true, perhaps you’re reincarnated from a python, Mongoose or Boeing 727. As you were an untimely cause of avian death in your past life, they are seeking their revenge in this one. Of course reincarnation is a fallacious fabrication with no basis in reality. But it is possible that no-one has told the birds this.<br /><br />If you want to prevent birds from pooping on your car, there are several possible solutions.<br /><br />You could:<br /></p><ul><li>Hire some one to stand next to your car waving a bird scarer whenever you park.<br /></li><li>Cover your car in army camouflage equipment and leave it in the middle of a firing range,</li><li>Or replace your hood ornament with a live Falcon<br /></li></ul><p>Alternatively you can paint your car the colour of bird crap -this will at least save you from having to wash it.<br /><br />To be honest though, the effort is largely wasted. Birds are much like the goverment. No matter what you do, they're still crap all over you.</p><p>Hope this helps<br /></p><br /><div class="sign">Marcus</div><div class="coda">The Guru has the answers. <a title="ask the guru" href="http://freelanceguru.co.uk/2008/02/ask-guru.html">Do you have the question</a>?<ul><li><a title="A collection of slightly unbalanced duck tails" href="http://freelanceguru.co.uk/2008/03/slightly-unbalanced-duck-tails.html">Why do ducks sleep on one leg?<br /></a></li><li><a title="A post on Love, Anger, and Communism" href="http://freelanceguru.co.uk/2008/03/love-anger-and-communism.html">Why do we link red to love and anger?<br /></a></li><li><a title="Or ways to waste your money on Bling" href="http://freelanceguru.co.uk/2008/04/8-ways-to-keep-it-real-after-winning.html">How can I win the lottery and keep it real?<br /></a></li></ul></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style='font-weight: bold; border:solid 3px #804000; margin:20px;Padding:5px;'><div style='Float:left;padding:2px;margin:2px;'><img src='http://feeds.feedburner.com/~fc/TheFreelanceGuru?bg=e1771e&amp;fg=000000&amp;anim=0' style='border:0' width='88'/></div> Please help me reach my target of <span ID='READER TARGET'>150</span> readers by the end of 2008. <br/> If you like this post use the links below to E-mail this post to a friend, Stumble it, Digg it, or Share it on your blog.</div></div>The Freelance Guruhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02185521334184060191noreply@blogger.com