The Freelance Guru

And that's the Tooth...

2008-04-28T06:14:00.007+01:00

Dear Guru,
I am in the most desperate of situations and wish to seek your wisdom. My dentist has just told me that he needs to extract my wisdom teeth. Can I have yours please?

TomtheTwit

I've never been asked to give anybody a body part before. Well, except for that, and even then not very often. My wife is more the giving type, giveing love, hugs and occasional tips on how to improve myself. I've certainly never been asked to give a bone fragment. Either way, my purpose is to share wisdom, not Teeth, and as such I must decline.

Wisdom teeth are so called because they come in later in life, presumably when the grower is wiser. This was certainly true in my case, I didn’t become wise until I started listening to Luke, my toy snake. It’s amazing how much a man grows up when he stops playing around with his snake and takes it seriously instead.

Personally, I’ve never had any teeth out, wisdom or otherwise. The wife drags us to the dentist every six months, stating it’s for the Girl’s sake; she’s worse than a politician with that - anytime she wants something she'll make believe we’re doing it ‘for the children.’

The dentist always praises my teeth. Obviously the hours I spend panic brushing beforehand do their job. The Wife however always has something wrong, her teeth are so full of fillings now that the local thieves keep trying to steal them for scrap metal, and last time we went to the dentist she had to have 4 extractions. I took a whole day off from meditation just to carry her home and watch her bleed all over the couch.

I did get some fun out of it though. With her mouth too sore to eat she needed liquid food supplements instead. I’ll never quite forget the look she gave me when I mentioned quite loudly in the queue at Boots that she’d ‘forgotten to buy her Slimfast.’

Of course there are some benefits to having your wisdom teeth removed. For example, identify you from your dental records should you be killed in a plane crash. And according to rumour it makes you better at performing the act of Fellatio. Personally, I haven’t had a chance to test this, the wife spends most of her time around the neighbour’s house nowadays, but it might please you to know there are benefits to the painful extraction you are about to face, especially if you’re relatively flexible.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

All your Questions are belonging to me.

What The Devil Am I Doing Up A Pole?

2008-04-24T06:48:00.005+01:00

Dear Guru

Okay, there's something you can enlighten me as to ... how does a man balance atop a pole for eight hours while still managing to think clearly? Nothing for nothing there, Mr. Freelance, but it's got to be pretty uncomfortable sitting up there in that position for that long? How does one achieve enlightenment without becoming impaled?

Inquiring minds wanna know!

Linda

I haven't actually 'balanced' for some time now. You may feel I’ve been lying to you, but that’s not true. Gurus never lie, they're annoyingly honest. We tell the whole truth to everyone. We can’t help it. Cheating husbands learn to stop their wives walking past us just incase.

There was a time when, a new naive guru, I did try to balance. I made it is as easy as possible. Many Gurus balance on flagpoles; I decided to balance on a telegraph pole instead.

But installing a telegraph pole in my back garden was no easy matter what with planning permission and architectural blueprints, not to mention the interior decorator. It took two cranes to hammer the pole into the ground, and by the time it was complete the neighbours had reported me as a public disturbance, although they claimed the noise had nothing to do with it.

When the pole was finally erected, which took 5 weeks for some reason, I grabbed Luke, my snake, and climbed its heights. Believing balancing to be an aid to meditation, I took a deep breath, enjoying the purer air, and raised my leg into the stance of the flying crane. I later learned this stance should only be attempted by professionals after years of training. And even then it should never be performed up a pole on a Blustery day.

Well no-one needs to tell me twice and, after 3 or 4 more attempts and several hospital stays, I installed a platform at the pole’s top, a job that required 4 men, 9 days and 54 unionised tea breaks.

I climbed onto my safer platform and stepped into my Tai Chi Kata. From the fighting monkey stance, I leaned forward into a punch slipping over on some bird mess on the way. It was probably the most dramatic Tai Chi Kata ever performed.

My wife asked me to stop balancing after that; it was ruining her lawn.

And so nowadays I sit. The pole, I’ve discovered, is the important thing. What you do at the top of it can be left between a Guru and his Snake.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Things that make you go 'hmm?' The Guru has the answer.

The Origins of Dawg

2008-04-21T06:46:00.004+01:00

Dear Guru

What's the origins of the American male usage of "dawg".

Wassup dawg, you're my dawg, yeah, dawg...

Ally

I thought that this was obvious.

The word was invented by Randy of American Idol fame as a way of making the millions of viewers, all of whom have IQs that can be measured on the rictor scale, think he was cool.

Legend has it that he thought of the idea when listening to a dog howl outside his mansion in the night. The misguided judge was so impressed by the off-key intonation that he gave the dawg it's own moniker.

To this day the word dawg is used to refer to someone who is cool, sings off key, and hasn't had a bath in a month.

Marcus

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10 Ways To Make It Big In Journalism.

2008-04-17T00:00:00.004+01:00

Dear Guru,

Great to see you here with the feeelance advice?? What advice can you give me, I would like to persue freelance journalism???

സപ്ന അനു ബി. ജോര്‍ജ്ജ്

Well, firstly, try limiting your use of terminal punction to once per scentence.

Secondly, Freelance Journalism seems an odd thing to pursue. I imagine you stalking through the words, a loaded pen over your shoulder. “Be vewy vewy quite. I’m hunting wumors.’

It's a difficult career, and the fact is that no matter what channels you use no-one will ever publish any of your work, give you any tips, or help you if you get hit by a bus. But if you are willing to try anything, here are some more unique ways to get your foot in the door.

Don’t. Most people are not meant for Freelance Journalism the same way that most people are not meant to be parents. Just because lots of people attempt it doesn’t make them any good.
Hang around post-boxes and steal the post of anyone who looks like a writer. Claim their ideas, and postage stamps, as your own.
Walk around with a ‘Press’ card stuck into your hat band.
Get a gimmick. Write ‘and that’s not how Monkeys do it’ in every article you pen.
Get a Dictaphone and secretly record your friends’ conversations. Type up the transcripts and use them to expose your friends as communists. This won’t help you get a job as a Freelance Journalist, it’s just something that needs to be done.
Start a rumour that Mel Gibson experienced priestly child abuse.
Find a celebrity who lives near you and begin stalking them. When they ask you to stop, complain that they’re elitist, arrogant and rude. Call up the tabloids to complain.
Write about Princess Diana. This is almost always universally publishable.
Stage a hunger strike until the local papers publish your article.
Have an affair with some Communist Prostitutes and send an exposé on yourself to the tabloids.

Finally, do your research. Not all publications publish or want the same thing. Read things before you write to them. That way, for example, you may realise that not every blog with ‘Freelance’ in the title is about freelance journalism.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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Why Do Birds Always Poop On My Car?

2008-04-14T07:30:00.000+01:00

Oh wise one,
Thank you for showing that ducks need the attention they deserve.

But please tell me why my car has become the bullseye for all bird droppings when it is not even close to a tree or building?

Grimm

My feelings on birds have been made clear, and I won't dwell on them here. Suffice to say, it was birds, and British weather, that forced me to install a clear Perspex roof over my pole. The birds found this hilarious and made it opaque within a day. I am convinced they do it deliberately. When you're stood 15 foot above the ground winged creatures perceive you as a threat and attack you anyway possible. I'm just glad horses haven’t learnt how to fly yet.

I could find no research on this topic (scientists largely being cyclists) but it is widely believed that birds have colour preferences. In nature they prefer to excrete in water, leaving no visible traces and keeping the location of their nests a secret. If your car is black, blue, or green, it may be that birds mistake it for a lake, pond or a public toilet.

They seem to especially enjoy splattering red cars. It is possible this is because they’re naturally attracted to red, the colour of berries, fruit and Virgin Broadband. Or it could simply be that birds hate a flashy car just as much as the next species.

If none of this rings true, perhaps you’re reincarnated from a python, Mongoose or Boeing 727. As you were an untimely cause of avian death in your past life, they are seeking their revenge in this one. Of course reincarnation is a fallacious fabrication with no basis in reality. But it is possible that no-one has told the birds this.

If you want to prevent birds from pooping on your car, there are several possible solutions.

You could:

Hire some one to stand next to your car waving a bird scarer whenever you park.
Cover your car in army camouflage equipment and leave it in the middle of a firing range,
Or replace your hood ornament with a live Falcon

Alternatively you can paint your car the colour of bird crap -this will at least save you from having to wash it.

To be honest though, the effort is largely wasted. Birds are much like the goverment. No matter what you do, they're still crap all over you.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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Losing my Religious aid

2008-04-10T07:30:00.009+01:00

All Gurus need an iPod. Without radio 4’s podcasts, and Britney Spears whimsical lyrics, I couldn’t cope with the more political, topical and rhythmical issues raised by my Pilgrims. It also helps when my mother-in-law visits.

Even the headphones are useful; they give me an excuse to ignore people.

A few days ago, for example, I was walking home through Lawrence Hill. Lawrence hill, as everyone knows, is a 'dodgy area', the home of Bristol’s tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe illegal substances. If Bristol had a Ghetto, it would be afraid of Lawrence Hill.

So I was somewhat alarmed (Guru’s are never afraid) when a resident started shouting at me. "Hey," he shouted, "Hey you!" In Bristolian this roughly translates as 'giv meh awl ya Doe' and, to quote the philosopher Socrates, 'screw that!' Fortunately however, because I was wearing my headphones (even though I wasn’t listening to music,) I was able to pretend I couldn't hear him. Without a second glance I walked past and headed home. The shouts got angrier, fainter, and faded away.

I was very satisfied (gurus are never proud.) It was a victory. I had managed to ignore some Bristol scum, the kind of person who so desperately needs my help and should hurry up and come to my pole to get it.

It wasn't until I got home and took off the headphones that I found they weren't connected to anything. Panicking (calmly, Guru’s are always calm) I searched my jeans, my bag, my underwear, even the secret hollow section of pole my wife doesn't know about. My iPod, my one distraction from the tediousness of the infinite, was gone.

The stranger wasn't after my riches, he was trying to give them back. I must have dropped the iPod and he was warning me. Through my ability to ignore people I had lost the thing that most helped me ignore them

That night, to atone for my pride, I tried to meditate for an hour longer than normal, but it was just too much of a strain without Britney to keep me company.

Marcus

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8 Ways to keep it real after winning the lottery

2008-04-07T07:30:00.008+01:00

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

So you’ve done it! Against odds similar to that of being canonised, you’ve won the jackpot.

But how does one stay causal when one has enough money to use the pronoun ‘one’ in cold blood? Luckily, the guru is here to help.

Keep your day job! Too many winners resign just to crawl back to their janitor’s mop once funds dry up. Keep working, but make it obvious you don’t need to. Do as little work as possible, and spend all day complaining you hate your job. For most of you, this will mean business as normal.

Go on a Butlins family holiday with your nanny and entourage.

Think diamond in the rough. Buy brand-name tracksuits, heavy gold earrings, or a large amplifier for your Ford Mondeo. Surround yourself with items that brag “I’m rich, but I’m not going to brag about it.”

As your free time will be spent spending money, get your butler to keep you updated on the plot twists in your favourite soaps. This way you can still join in the gossip with 'the commons' around the water cooler.

Spend one day a year visiting the poorer districts of Monte Carlo

Live the same as before hitting the jackpot, but more expensively. Smoke a stronger strain of weed, drink imported German beer from chipped pint glasses, and when yelling at your illegitimate (but charming) children use expensive swear words, like ‘bugger' and 'damnation.'

Always be aware of the price of milk.

Don’t give anything to charity; the good vibes gained from buying new possessions last much longer, and will win you more respect from your friends.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Read part 1 of this post - Guaranteed ways to win the lottery.
Do you have any tips for my Pilgrim? Comment and let me know!
Do you have a question needing an Answer? Ask the Guru and the answers will come!

Part 1 - How to win the Lottery
Will Stacey be allowed to come tomorrow?
Why do ducks sleep on one leg?

How to win the Lottery

2008-04-03T07:30:00.010+01:00

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

Dear Pilgrim,

Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.

1. How can I win the lottery

As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.

However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.

Firstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.

The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.

If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.

With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.

Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.

And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Part 2 Coming Soon - How to keep it real! Suscribe to the Freelance guru RSS to be the first to find out.

Ask the Guru. Find your Answer

Who or What is the Freelance Guru

2008-03-31T07:01:00.011+01:00

A brief history of the Freelance Guru

Not long ago, I sold insurance for a living. This was as awful as it sounds and twice as depressing. Then, one day, the toy snake on top of my monitor smiled at me. Right then, I realised I was wasting my life in a cascade of career prospects, pay packets and plastic tasting coffee. If a stuffed toy with no job and no money was happy why could I not be?

Praise for the Guru
The next time I find myself meddled with one of life's many uncertainties, be sure I will ask The Guru.

Joshua

Until I read The Freelance Guru, I thought all gurus were smelly old opinionated men who cackled madly and gave nonsensical advice. Now I know that they don't have to be old or smelly!

Avitable

Even my husband goes to read it!

Shelly

Part ghandi, two parts candy and three parts Jack Handey [...] and most importantly, I believe he shares my love of orgies.

Canucklehead

What in thunder are you doing on top of a pole?
No, on second thought, don’t tell me...

Dora

Despite my wife's protests, I quit my job and erected a Guru's pole in my garden, a more complicated task than you may imagine. Taking only those things essential to life, such as my mobile phone, my laptop and my Nivea intensive-care moisturiser, I climbed atop of my hermits’ erection and set myself to finding enlightenment.

Several days later, I achieved my goal.

Now, I return to my pole 8 hours a day (with the exception of Bank Holidays and weekends) to change the world. My mission is simple: I will enlighten all who come to me. Through the wisdom of the infinite, and with the aid of Luke, the toy snake who revealed my path to me, I will teach them all the error of their ways. Together, we will discover their destiny.

I am the Freelance guru − fountain of knowledge in the desert of ignorance, giver of light in a land of darkness, and the best mantra chanter in the south-west of England.

Allow me to enlighten you.

The Purpose of the Freelance Guru Blog

This blog is for those who cannot walk the hazardous path to my back garden, yet seek my infinite wisdom.

In its pages I answer the questions of all that come to me. Any who seek answers will find them here, and even those who seek nothing will leave wiser than whence they came. Through this blog's message even the most lost of Pilgrims may find his own path to the infinite.

It is a place for me to share new enlightements, teach the wisdom of the infinite to the searching masses, and keep me occupied during Pilgrim downtime.

It is the blog of the Freelance Guru. And it is the greatest gift the Internet will ever give you.

Marcus

9 Reasons to be Afraid in 2012

2008-03-27T19:52:00.020Z

As 2012 approaches, rumours are emerging of it's disastrous consequences. Frankly, I'm getting bored of panicked pilgrims, so here, in no particular order, are the actual 9 major tragedies of 2012.

We will all have to live through another Presidential Election.

Asteroid 334-Eros will pass within 17 million miles of Earth, If it earth were the corner pocket this is the equivalent of bouncing off the cushion and hitting the cat. Nonetheless, astronomers will get very excited and run to their observatories, leaving their families to fend for themselves.

US troops will hand back control of the Korean Military. Congress will declare a war to keep the troops busy.

The Freedom Tower will be completed in New York causing the terror threat to be raised just in-case some terrorist somewhere tries something with it at sometime.

There will be an annular Solar Eclipse - for 3 whole minutes hundreds of people will be unable to see where they left their keys.

The UK will turn off analogue broadcasting; millions of pensioners will miss Countdown. Mass rioting will ensue, albeit it very slowly.

The Sun’s magnetic poles will flip; it's inhabitants will get briefly lost when their compasses start pointing backwards.

The Mayan calendar will roll over from 12.19.19.17.19 to 13.0.0.0.0. The Mayans will have to buy a new calendar. They will also have one hell of a New Year celebration. There is no evidence to suggest the Mayans believed the world would end when their calendar did, although possibly they were worried that their computer clocks would reset to 0.0.0.0.1.

The Earth's population will excel 7 billion people, making it impossible to find a free parking space

That's it! Nothing else to worry about. Now please, Panicking Pilgrims, stop bugging me!

Oh, and don't forget to leave some change in the bowl on the way out...

Thanks to Skeptoid.com for inspiring this post

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Helping Stacey Come

2008-03-26T07:09:00.018Z

Dear Guru

Will Stacey be allowed to come tommorrow?

Darrenshine

What is stopping Stacey coming I wonder? Does she have an overly strict mother? A selfish lover? Is she forced to stay at home and cook for the children?

Does Stacey trust you? She may not want to come if she feels nervous around you. When I feel anxious, I talk to my stuffed snake, Luke. Maybe you have a stuffed snake Stacey can talk too? Maybe stroking your snake will help her feel more relaxed about coming? Try to find an average sized snake however as most woman feel intimated by very big ones.

Perhaps Stacey is agoraphobic? Does she panic when she opens the door and sees how far away the horizon is? If so this would be why she cannot come as she cannot leave her house, and it may be necessary for you to come to her instead. Blinkering Stacey may help here! A riding crop may be needed however to make her come and keep her focused.

Maybe Stacey believes coming will send the wrong message. A woman must be careful, at least until marriage, after which she will probably never come when you want her to again. If she feels she can trust you she will come eventually. Treat her to some wine, this has encouraged many women to come before.

If however, it is Stacey’s mother stopping her from coming, more drastic measures are required. Engage all your charm by letting her mother come first. By giving her mother this honour and letting her come before her daughter she will be able to see you are a caring, non-threatening, morally erect gentlemen, and Stacey will be allowed to come before you know it. As an added bonus, this 'let them come first' technique works on fathers and husbands too.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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Slightly Unbalanced Duck Tails

2008-03-22T00:00:00.007Z

Dear Guru

Why do ducks tuck up one leg when sleeping?

Autolycus

Birds! Don’t get me started! Everyone thinks birds are beautiful, graceful creatures. They glide on a few air currents or sing at first light and get songs or poetry written about them. But they become somewhat less poetic when I'm meditating on top of a 15 foot pole and they use me as a perch. During mating season, I had bits of twig and straw in my hair for weeks.

Ducks are the worst of all. They beguile children to give them bread with cute stories about turning into swans, and then they excrete all over the banks of lakes and rivers, causing innocent children to fall in. They cover their wings in water droplets and then shake them dry, soaking innocent bystanders. And when innocent Guru’s are blissfully meditating on the infinite, ducks fly up next to them and squawk loudly in their ear. Being shocked is never a good thing, but it's somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced on a pole 15 foot above the ground.

I get my revenge however. Because their legs and feet have 3 times more blood running through them than the flying muscles do, ducks tuck a leg into their feathers when they sleep to conserve heat. Luckily for me, this makes them very unstable.

Have you ever indulged in Duck Tipping? It helps keep me occupied during the early part of spring. Simply creep up to a sleeping duck and give them a quick nudge. Being nudged is never a good thing, but it becomes somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced, standing on one leg, on a perch 15 foot off the ground.

There’s nothing quite as satisfying as a rudely awoken duck.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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Love, Anger and Communism

2008-03-18T20:16:00.008Z

Dear Guru

We use colour to show ones emotions - then please explain why the colour red is used for two opposite emotions - anger and love?

** Just Wondering **

Colours are overrated. You've seen one sunset you've seen them all, especially when viewed from an elevation of 15 foot. But humans are obsessed with colours, attaching them to everything from 'Blue Mondays' to 'Orange Wednesdays', and now, due to colour overuse, we've run out.

There are more colours in existence than the non-enlightened mind can imagine, but most of them don’t have names yet. The average pilgrim can’t even name the 120 colours of crayola, yet alone the 4x10⁹ colours available on the average monitor. As such, as soon as we get beyond 'pale peach' and 'Midnight blue', we have to resort to ‘A little bit lighter than “Fuzzy-Wuzzy Brown”’ and the whole thing becomes ridiculous. The only other option is to use Hexadecimal, but, somehow, telling your sweetheart ‘their eyes are of the deepest #DEA681’ isn't quite the same.

To solve this, we assigned colours ‘themes’. For example, Black came to signify death, green, nature, and Yellow, vomit.

Red, being a hot colour, is used for things that make us passionately hot under the collar, such as love, anger or third-degree sunburn. It reminds us both of danger (such as my wife’s angry face) and of romance (such as the petite lingerie of next-door-but-one), and easily encompasses both Love and Anger as varying expressions of passion.

It may interest you to know that red stands for far more than just kisses and slaps. It is the colour of power, war, warnings, fire, sin, guilt, sex, dwarfs, communism, and of course, the wiggly line under spelling mistakes in Microsoft word. For the latter reason, if nothing else, the colour red has made the world a much better place: I dread to think where the blogosphere would be without it.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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Why do we say 'Alright'?

2008-03-15T18:12:00.012Z

Dear Guru,

Why is it that people greet each other with "Alright" but don't actually answer the question? For example I walk into the office and see J, here's our conversation:

J: Alright
X: Alright
[End]
Please help me guru it is a conundrum that needs solving.

Xander

I envy the cordial greeting you enjoy! Most greetings sent my way begin, "What the," and end, "do you think you're doing?" Prophets are always despised in their own house, possibly because they're always meditating when it comes time to wash up.

This 'Alright' greeting is not as strange as you may think. As a country, we previously greeted each other by saying 'A hoy hoy!' After that, we tried asking 'How do you do?', but, as the appropriate answer was 'How do you do?', it formed a vicious greeting-cycle which trapped hundreds of innocent people for years. 'How do you do?' was finally scrapped in the early 1990' and 'Alright' took it's place. It has worked well for two reasons.

Firstly, being British, we despise the American trait of 'unnecessary talking', as exploited during any Oscar speech. For this reason, 'Alright' is both a question (Alright?) and an answer (Alright!), saving the effort of 'Are you' and 'Yes I'm' . With the added benefit that it needed to be said just once each, 'Alright?' allowed us to shorten conversations by several seconds, and go back to ignoring the other person much quicker than previously.

Secondly, when we ask 'Alright?', the responder understands that we don't actually want to know. 'Alright' is not supposed to be answered, or at least not answered honestly. It is the equivalent of 'Hello' and as such saves us from having to actually talk to people. It would be extremely awkward for any Brit if, on asking 'Alright?', they got the reply, "No! I can't make this months mortgage payment , my house is being repossessed, my wife is having an affair with the Milkman and the Window Cleaner, my back is killing me, I'm going blind, there's a rash around my third nipple, I'm chronically impotent, and my hamster died yesterday. Alright?"

In short, without 'Alright?' we'd spend so much time counselling each other that we'd never actually get any work done, causing the pound to weaken and the economy to collapse; before long there would be even more repossessions to moan about, and the vicious greeting-cycle would begin all over again. And one only need look at America's economy to see exactly where that would get us. Unnecessary talking costs lives. Alright?

Hope this Helps.

Marcus

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Can we find Ultimate Happiness?

2008-03-12T09:00:00.009Z

Dear Freelance Guru,

Ultimate happiness. Think it can be achieved? If yes, how would you describe it?

Mystery*

Buddha believed in ultimate happiness. He believed that to find Nirvana you must free yourself from desire. This is rubbish of course. To quote the great philosopher Will Young, losing desire means you ‘lose the highs to be spared the lows.’ As such all that can truly be experienced is an ultimate state of ‘meh.’ Besides, based on his depictions, Buddha was a fat, jolly man and a thin, serious one, making him a schizophrenic and about as trustworthy as Fox News.

You yourself are proof that ultimate happiness is impossible. Your smiles last for only a moment, normally a reaction to something good, such as a funny joke, or a brilliant Guru blog. However this state of ‘good’ lasts only a small amount of time. If it didn’t, each subsequent thing would have to be better than the last in order for us to feel as good about it, until the world became one happy, bouncy ball of bunnies and page three models. At which point there would be nothing to strive for. Everything would be good. And we would all be bored. With nothing to make us feel bad we would have no reason to feel good at all. And as a loud noise eventually fades into the background, so our good feelings would become dull and invisible. Plus, everyone would be smiling all the time which would just be disturbing.

Finally, it is impossible to define the Ultimate anything; one man’s trash is another man’s Blue Peter Model; ultimate happiness means different things to everyone: one person becoming happy would mean another could not. For example, my wife’s way of finding happiness is to nag me, where as mine is to hide on the top of my pole, listening to my iPod and pulling the ladder up behind me. The two are mutually exclusive, and it would be the same for everyone else. At most only 50% of the world could be happy at any one time; we would have to take it in turns and be happy every other week. And this would be far from anyone's idea of ultimate happiness, unless, of course, they were a little bit Buddha.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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Why don't the Germans speak proper English?

2008-03-09T09:50:00.002Z

Dear Guru,

I live here in Germany and can't help but wonder why it is that the Germans have a different word for practically everything over here. A different English word, I mean. They say "Handy" when they mean cell phone and "Talkshow" when they mean talk show, for instance. I've been told that you have lots of different words in your country, too (I'm an American), but I can understand you guys a whole lot better, usually. So like what is it with these Germans and their German English anyway?

Thanks, Clarsonimus.

Thank you for letting me know that you are American. As I want you to understand my reply I will type very slowly. It took me a while to find this answer, the infinite was not an expert on Languages and Luke is strictly a English snake. But thankfully, being all knowing, I merely needed to re-awaken my knowledge which I eventually achieved by searching Wikipedia and about.com. I hope you will consider all this effort when you pass the prayer bowl on the way out.

I do try not to pass blame; all in this world are equal, or at least all those who have not transcended to Guru Status. In this instance however, I cannot help it: This mixing of the 2 languages is your fault.

The merge happened after World War II largely due to English speakers, like yourself, migrating to Germany and hogging all the sun-beds, forcing the Germans to migrate elsewhere and hog the sun-beds there. As a result, and as English became the global business language, the two languages pooled, and, overtime, words like Workshop and Meeting crept into the German vocabulary. Germany welcomed the change. After the mess they'd made during World War II they pretty much had too.

It had the added benefit that the language became slightly camp, making Germans seem less threatening. For example, the word Handy, unique in Denglish, comes from a 1940 Motorola Walkie-talkie model, the Handie-talkie, and is possibly the least threatening word a German can use. The sight of a middle-age German man, frantically searching for his mobile phone and muttering ‘Wo ist mein Handy?', is enough to make a heterosexual male pluck his eyebrows and wear lycra for a month.

However, none of this explains why you can understand us English better than them Germans. This is because both the Americans and the English speak English, which is extremely helpful when it comes to communication. The Germans however, speak German.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Do you have a Question? Ask the Guru, he knows everything.

McFeng-shui

2008-03-06T06:21:00.005Z

A Californian McDonalds has employed a feng shui expert to improve their customers’ fortune. The fast-food restaurant, now awash with water features and bamboo plants, hopes the oriental technique will improve their patrons’ luck. Presumably, if you have a Happy Meal there now you’ll actually burn-off calories thanks to the restaurants energy flow. That, after all, is the kind of fortune most McDonalds lovers need.

I tried to feng shui my pole once, but every expert had different ideas. It became very confusing. One day my waterfall was in my right hand, the next in my left. With the lucky bamboo in my other hand, it was difficult to use my laptop, especially as it was balanced on my head at the time. To be honest, I spent most of the time worrying I would drop my money tree, which wasn't cheap after all, and any benefits were somewhat lost on me.

But I do wish the restaurant luck: I believe they will need it; an arbitrary arrangement of expensive ornaments will be somewhat wasted on customers who are too busy suffering from obesity-induced total coronary failure to notice. McDonalds needs all the oriental-placebo it can get.

Personally, I don't hold with any of that oriental nonsense. I'll stick to good old-fashioned meditative communication with the infinite, thank you very much! That's something I can truly believe in.

Besides - I prefer Burger King.

Marcus

I have an answer. Are you ready with the question?

Pilgrim's Identity Crisis

2008-03-04T07:13:00.017Z

A un-enlightened soul has come to me.
Here is the knowledge they seek.

Dear Freelance Guru

Were you known as Simon?
You look like a Simon...

Pre-Enlightenment

Thank you for your question pilgrim.

Since starting this blog I have been surprised how many times I've been asked this question. It confuses me somewhat, because I had rather intended the Ask the Guru form to allow people to come to me seeking Wisdom, instead of causing me to have an identity crisis. But then, of course, thanks to my weeks of private devotions, I am never confused for long.

You state in you Question that I 'look like a Simon.' In order to affirm this, I searched 'Simon' on Google Images. These are the first 3 results.

Now then, exactly which of these 3 are you suggesting I look like?

The guru has the answers - Ask the Guru a Question

Why do we celebrate Mothers day?

Who will win the 2008 Elections?

Ask the Guru - Holiday Mum

2008-03-02T09:36:00.017Z

Yet another weary traveller has made the arduous trek to my blog seeking wisdom. If they keep coming at this rate, I'm going to have to expand my pole to include a waiting room.

Dear Freelance Guru.

Why do we celebrate mothers' day? My boyfriend and I have a bet about it and it's beginning to get violent.

Relationship Issues

I just don’t get Mothers’ day. Motherhood isn’t an annual event, unless you’re a highly fertile Catholic. Having one day a year when you act more ‘motherly’ than the other 364 would normally result in a visit from Social Services.

It all started in Britain in the 16th Century as a day to visit your Mother-church, possibly to present status reports on the plans to conquer Earth. After the Civil War however, Anna Jarvis stole the idea for America, warping it to give servants a day off so they could annoy their mothers by hanging around the house. It’s interesting to note that 9 years later Miss Jarvis hated her holiday so much she rallied against it. Nowadays, Mothers day is little more than an excuse for Mothers to lie about while their kids run around doing a terrible job of the housework. Several other ‘special days’ have spun off from it, such as Fathers’ Day, Grandparents’ Day and Professional Administrators’ Day. Personally, I’ve been trying to publicize Guru Day - a day when I can stop being a guru and get off this pole. Weekends and bank holidays are just not enough…

But of course, mothers are blessed, they deserve a special day, and we should be thankful for them. I seldom see mine and I’m highly thankful for that. An elevation of 15 foot gives me plenty of time to turn on my iPod, close my eyes and pretend I can’t hear her shouting up at me. This is for her benefit as well as mine. She struggles to handle my infinite wisdom and, apparently, talking to me ‘exhausts her.’

And at her age, I feel it’s only right to let her rest.

Previous Posts - Who will win the 2008 Elections?

Are you seeking wisdom? The Guru has the answers.

Pole-ing the heathens.

2008-02-27T21:50:00.013Z

Whilst listening to Radio 4’s news pod during my morning meditation I was shocked to hear of the conviction of self declared ‘Osama Bin London,’ Mohammed Hamid. It wasn’t his conviction that shocked me. The man is a groomer of young Muslims fundamentalists after all. Nor was it his crimes. Religious terror is practically background noise here: twice a month the police knock on my door to check I’m not plotting any terrorism. I welcome the visits: it means my wife has to tidy the house up.

What shocked me is that he truly believes the way to convert people to Islam is to kill them. He is not alone in this belief of course, even I can see the perks, say when my mother-in-law comes to visit, but no one ever seems to notice the flaw in this plan. There is something inherently mixed up about a method of evangelising that involves a rucksack of TNT and a one-way trip the Northern Line.

It reminds me of the Evangelical Christians who shout through megaphones at innocent shoppers, declaring, despite all evidence to the contrary, that ‘Jesus makes you whole.' I wonder if they realise that for every one person they might possibly convert this way, hundreds of thousands go away believing more than ever that religious people are absolutely crazy.

I, for one, see no point trying to convert others. Everyone has a different path to enlightenment and all come to it at different times, be it through a light on the road to Galilee or a stuffed snake on top of a monitor. I testify by sitting on my pole for 8 hours a day. That way all can see how wise, noble and calm I am. I like to think that the people who point, laugh and shout insults at me, learn from my example and leave a little bit wiser.

Well, that, or that they die in their sleep.

Do you have an Question? The Guru has the Answer.
Ask the Guru and all will become clear.

Presidential Predictions

2008-02-26T21:10:00.019Z

A seeker of truth has sought me for advice.

Dear Freelance Guru
Can you tell me who win the 2008 Election, preferably before they stop taking bets?

Congressional Gambler.

Thank you for your question, seeker of enlightenment.

You fail to mention which election you are interested in. I, for one, am eagerly awaiting the results of the 2008 Bristol Book Club Elections. My money’s on Irene: her policy on multi-genre reviewing etiquette has made her quite a hit with the younger generation. Although, of course, I have evolved beyond the concept of wealth and no longer indulge in gambling. I always lose anyway.

I have been watching the American elections with great interest. It may surprise you to know that the average pole-based British hermit pays attention to such things, but it will affect me just as much as the rest of the free world. For one thing I wouldn’t understand the jokes on have ‘I Got News For You.’ And besides, if you want to get anywhere when conversing with the infinite, it helps to be up on gossip.

But if I had precognition, I would have gained my fortune by now thanks to a 12 season contract with Fox. As I don’t yet have my own prime time show, it is safe to assume I do not have the gift of foresight and can not confirm where best to place your bet. But it does seem to me, and Luke agrees, that the candidate to back is John McCain for 3 good reasons:

As for the mud-flinging Democrats, to quote the great Philosopher Sam Fox, ‘When two people mud wrestle, even the winner ends up covered in mud.’ America does not want a dirty President, unless, of course, they’re prepared to lie about it.
All who truly think America is ready for a black / female president raise your hand and say ‘Duuuuuuurrrrrrr!’
And finally, his name – ‘John Mc-Cain.’ Three strong, all-American syllables. Whereas, Hilary Clinton has the word ‘Clinton’ in it and Barack Obama sounds like a Al-Qaeda training camp.

Of course, by the time the primaries are over, John McCain may well be dead. But, based on recent history, the American public would probably still elect him anyway.

Hope this helps,
Blessings and peace be with you as you march towards enlightenment via the bookies on the corner.

Marcus
The Freelance Guru

Are you seeking wisdom? The Freelance Guru has the answers!

The Calling

2008-02-24T21:22:00.008Z

I don't know if it's enlightenment or if the air is just thin up here, but I feel led to share my story.

I was on my third cup of tea, and contemplating deeply on the path to the perfect brew, when it occurred to me. 'Marcus,' I thought, 'start a blog! It makes perfect sense. You're on top of this pole 9-5, 5 days a week, and one can't meditate all the time. Why not use the time to give something back to the earth-crawlers?' It was all rather surprising as I hadn't been expecting my next enlightenment until Tuesday.

Of course I realise that to many of you, my efforts will be wasted. It takes a beautiful, wise and modest soul, like my own, to truly appreciate the message I bring. But I must try; After all, I have so much to give. Truly with me at the helm, this blog will be a blessing to the world.

Consider it my gift to you. I will teach you my wisdom, I will answer your questions, and little by little I will train you in the true nature of the world, as seen from a 15 foot pole overlooking Bristol.

Yes, my disciples, your path to enlightenment begins here . To quote the great philosopher Lao-tze, 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a road map and a full tank of gas.'

This is your road map. You will have to find the gas yourself.

Ask the Guru - Your questions

2008-02-21T21:02:00.009Z

Because of my great wisdom, people have come to my blog from miles around seeking enlightenment from me. These are the questions my pilgrims have asked me.

If you wish to seek my spiritual guidance the way lies here.

Ask the Guru

2008-02-21T06:45:00.006Z

Are you lost on the road to enlightment and seeking some direction? Has life passed you a conundrum that needs the wisdom of solomon? Are you having trouble getting the dishwasher to clean your glasses?
The guru has the answer, but first you must ask the question....

Read all the previous questions here

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