Brief Conceits

Eric's Journey of Enlightenment: Ask a President

2009-11-15T06:00:00.009-06:00

"What is the secret to success?" I asked the President of the United States.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"It's not important," I said, "but I need to know the secret to success, and any other wisdom you might be willing to bequeath to me."

"No," the president corrected me, "it is quite important. See, you're not supposed to be able to get into my bedroom at three in the morning."

"Look," I said fairly irritated, "I don't have time for your politically correct non-answers. I'm on a journey for enlightenment and—"

That's when Secret Service tased me.

Accusations in Space

2009-11-14T06:00:00.007-06:00

"The Galactic Federation is doomed!" said Ben Gleck, opinion show host on FAUX News, "Or it will be, if President Lovenstein gets his way. Why is Lovenstein not answering to the people (and by the people, I mean me)? He won't respond to allegations that he's a child-murderer! Is he a child-murderer? I don't know. I do know that he hasn't not said he's not a child-murderer!" Ben began to choke up, "You see these tears? You see how much I care? No ulterior motive here! Just old fashioned patriotism. Show you're patriotism by buying my new book (only 29.95 space-dollars)!"

Denny

2009-11-13T06:00:00.004-06:00

It had never been hard for Denny to get through life. He just yelled and screamed and pouted until he got his way. It served him well since he had been two years old. There had always been someone willing to give in.

Then one day, Denny's last friend in the world finally was fed up and left him. For the first time in his long life, Denny was utterly alone. He threw a tantrum to the heavens, but no one answered.

Moral: In the end, if no love is given out, then eventually there will be nothing left to receive.

Reclaiming the Past

2009-11-12T06:00:00.005-06:00

"Hey, remember a few years back when you told me I should jump off a cliff?" Taylor asked at the breakfast table. "Well, I thought of a comeback."

"What? I never said anything like that," Jessica said, "I like you."

"Well, you said it in jest," Taylor admitted

"I really don't remember ever saying that," Jessica pondered, "It's funny how many things we completely forget ever doing. Can we actually say we are who we were, if it bears so little on us that we don't even remember?" Jessica left the table deep in thought.

". . . No, you jump off a cliff . . ."

Lost in Thought

2009-11-11T06:00:00.004-06:00

My coffee had long since gone ice cold, and the baristas were locking up. I sat outside at a table for two. The second seat remained empty.

How long had I been waiting?

The sun had set, and street lights had automatically turned on. I took a sip of my frosty brew somehow thinking it would suddenly be warm.

Had I even been waiting for anyone?

My thoughts were jumbled, hard to define like figures in a dense fog. A figure walks out of the fog and into the light. Perhaps she knows why I'm here.

She sits down beside me.

Intervention

2009-11-10T06:00:00.001-06:00

"Look Jeff, we're worried about you," Jeff's mother said. All of Jeff's friends and family had gathered in his apartment somehow, even his sickly great-grandmother that lived in Florida. "Even Nana is here for you."

"I don't have a problem!" Jeff exclaimed.

"What your mother is trying to say is," Jeff's father attempted, "well, look at you, son! You're eating cereal from the lid of an Applebee's Carside To Go take-out container. I mean, I could understand reusing the bottom part—"

Jeff shrugged, "I used it yesterday."

"Just use your dishwasher, Jeff. That's all we're asking."

"I'll do what I want!"

Closing Time

2009-11-09T06:00:00.001-06:00

"I would tell you that you're pretty," Harry tells the imaginary woman sitting next to him as he nurses his seventh whiskey, "but I'm sure that you get that a lot."

Blunt Destination, a cover band of some band that hasn't been popular since 2003 and nobody remembers anymore, packs up after a successful night: Only three beer bottles were thrown at them.

"Look," Harry says, "if you don't want to talk to me, at least tell me you don't want to talk to me."

The bartender laces the eighth whiskey with more hallucinogens. Entertainment is lacking on a slow night.

Eric's Journey of Enlightenment: Never Trust a Bear

2009-11-08T06:00:00.012-06:00

I came into town with scars across my chest, wearing a bear-skin coat still dripping with blood.

I had traveled into a remote part of the Rocky Mountains, where I could contemplate the meaning of life free from the shackles of human interaction and responsibility.

It was there that I also befriended a bear. I named him Ben. I know it wasn't terribly original, but I thought it was funny in an ironic sort of way.

It was nearly too late before I realized Ben's real intentions toward me. Only one of us was going to come down that mountain alive.

Everyone Has a Story

2009-11-07T06:00:00.003-06:00

Laura was a thoughtful blogger. She did not use provocative language to make a point. Instead she diplomatically and sensibly approached every subject, making sure to be as unbiased and fair-minded as she possibly could. Needless to say, it got her nowhere on the internet.

Jake was a karate black belt with an anger management problem, and thirty-seven assault charges to back it up.

Fran was a mother of two stuck in a loveless marriage. Some of her dreams hadn't quite turned out as she had wished them to be.

They all sat on the bus saying nothing to each other.

Analogies

2009-11-06T06:00:00.002-06:00

If you ever had a problem, Fred was always there, and he had an analogy for whatever situation you found yourself in. The problem was that none of his analogies ever made sense.

"Sorry to hear about you and Rachel," he said one time, "You just need to take all the bad things in your relationship and pick those out of your wallet like they're old fast food receipts. Then take the good things, those are gold coins, and put 'em in your pocket. Watch out for the leprechaun, though. He'll take your coins and tell you to get over it."

Josh

2009-11-05T06:00:00.001-06:00

"The problem with people is that they hurt you," Josh said with definitive assurance, "so all I have to do is just get away from everyone. I'll just be a hermit living up in the mountains, so that nothing can hurt me."

"What about a big boulder?" asked Kylee, "Or a cougar?"

"I'm serious," said Josh, "kinda."

"Me, too," said Kylee, "People may have the propensity to hurt, but they also have the ability to help us when we're in need, to love us."

Josh thought a moment, "If only love came without pain."

Kylee was too embarrassed to profess hers.

Life Is So Unfair

2009-11-04T06:00:00.002-06:00

Yarvis shackled himself to a ball and chain. "Hey! Hey! You can't do that!" He called out to some man walking by on the sidewalk.

The man stopped (his name was Paul), "Are you speaking to me?"

"Yeah," Yarvis said, "You can't be walking around like that without a ball and chain. You have an unfair advantage over me. How can I hope to compete?"

"But you shackled yourself," Paul said, "and why does it matter? I'm just walking down the street. It's not a competition."

"Everything's a competition!" Yarvis heaved his ball and chain along, "Hey! Don't walk away! Cheater!"

The Case of the Magician

2009-11-03T06:00:00.001-06:00

"What are we doing out here, Shamrock?" I asked.

"Edward Hilton is the most astounding magician that I have ever known," my zombie friend said, "If anyone can cure me of my current condition, it is this man."

A small malnourished man opened the door after unlocking three bolts, "Why 'ello, Shamrock! It's been a while!" Edward took hold of Shamrock's hand and shook it off. "A really long while," Edward mused.

"You dabble in the dark magical arts then, Edward?" I asked.

"Card tricks," he admitted.

"What?" I stammered.

"Oh, but Walton, they're very good card tricks!" Shamrock assured me.

November

2009-11-02T06:00:00.004-06:00

There were more leaves spread across the ground than were actually still clinging to the trees. The vibrant colors of yellow, orange, and red seemed to warm up the atmosphere despite the dropping temperatures. A flock of geese made their way south, announcing their presence to all below.

I sat outside a corner coffee store, holding the warm cup between both my hands. I sipped lightly, as I gazed at the scene about me.

Winter had come and gone last year, though at the time it seemed as if it would never be over. How quickly now did winter come again.

Why Let Governor Sanford Have All the Fun?

2009-11-01T06:00:00.012-06:00

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. I have had a long and celebrated career serving the people of Pennsylvania, but I would be remiss if I did not address the grievous injustice I have been forced to deal with for its entirety. I ask you: Where are my beautiful South American mistresses? Too long have I been forced to live a strictly monogamous lifestyle. I'm a politician for goodness sake! That is why I implore you to support S2577: Introduce Senator Evans to a Smoking Hot Babe (But Nobody Tell Mrs. Evans) Act of 2009. Thank you."

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

Trick-or-Treat

2009-10-31T06:00:00.004-05:00

"Trick-or-Treat!" the neighborhood kids said in anxious expectation.

"Gadzooks! Tiny accursed fiends from beyond the grave threatening me with malicious tomfoolery!" cried Sir Gregory (knight from the past somehow now in the present day). He drew his sword, "Away foul hellion! I shall not fall prey to your subterfuge!"

The children scattered as Sir Gregory swung madly.

"No, Sir Gregory!" Timothy ran to the door. "They're just kids. Just give them candy."

Sir Gregory pondered, "So this 'candy' as you call it has exorcistical properties to drive the demons out of the youth? Quite marvelous inventions of the future!"

Timothy sighed.

~~~
Other adventures of Sir Gregory of Cornwall in the present-day

Lytton's Bad Habit

2009-10-30T06:00:00.010-05:00

The large black bag fell to the floor with a heavy KA-THUMP!

"There's another one for you," Lytton said with the indifference of a postal worker looking at a line of innumerable customers three minutes to quitting time.

Gilroy sighed and flung the bag over his shoulder, "Seventh this week."

"I can't help it," Lytton confessed, "It's their fault for tempting me!"

"Except they just breathe, and you're overcome by temptation."

"That's not true! You're breathing and I've only tried," Lytton counted on his fingers, "four times with you."

"Five."

"Just bury it, and stop judging me!" Lytton left the cemetery.

Really Scary Story

2009-10-29T06:00:00.004-05:00

"Okay, I got one," Dane was about to participate in a well-honored tradition among children: telling a scary story while holding a flashlight under your face. "One dark and scary night, there was this kid—"

"Heard it!"

"Shut up, Kevin!"

Dane continued, "There was this kid who wanted to get on the internet but he couldn't."

The huddled group of kids fell silent in terror.

"The internet . . . was down!"

All the children screamed.

"Then he checked his phone. It was dead, and he had misplaced his charger!"

"But how did he check his text messages?" Sandy asked.

"He didn't!"

More screams.

Fleshed Out

2009-10-28T06:00:00.003-05:00

The devastated urban landscape slowly fell apart. Like most of the inhabitants of earth, the structures of civilization were also slowly decomposing and devouring themselves until eventually it would be gone.

However, nature also has its unexpected quirks. While most of humanity had become mindless flesh-eating zombies, one zombie still maintained his self-awareness. His name was George.

"I think I've lost the taste for rotting flesh," George told his zombie-dog Frank (Frank was not self-aware). "I really don't care for it anymore, and sometimes I think I'm just gorging on human flesh to fit in, you know?"

Frank's tail wagged off.

~~~
More ordeals of George the self-aware zombie

The Return of the Vam-Bot-Pire

2009-10-27T06:00:00.004-05:00

The evening fog pours into the room from the now open window. A figure enters, cold and mechanical.

The cold night air jolts Katherine awake. Seeing the boxy mechanical man in a black cape standing over her, she reaches for the stake on her nightstand and jams it into the beast's chest, but to no avail.

"I AM IMPERVIOUS TO STAKES, GARLIC, SUNLIGHT," the vam-bot-pire states, "TRULY, I AM THE PERFECT MONSTER."

Thinking quickly Katherine grabs a pitcher of water, also on her nightstand, and casts it onto the creature.

"WATER! MY ONE WEAKNESS! ALSO COMPUTER VIRUSES!" The vam-bot-pire shorts out.

Career Advice

2009-10-26T06:00:00.008-05:00

"You could learn a thing or two from me, Anderson," Mr. McCaughey said.

"Yessir," Anderson squeaked.

"First thing: Don’t talk while I'm talking."

"Yes—" Anderson caught himself.

"You don't make it to the top without cracking a few eggs, Anderson." Mr. McCaughey paused. "Did you hear me? How can I know you're listening if you don’t say something?"

"Yessir. Crack some eggs, sir."

"Don't interrupt me, Anderson. Now, what I mean, of course, is destroy a few people's careers. It's a lot easier to move up the ranks when you decimate the competition."

"But isn't that unethical, sir?"

Mr. McCaughey laughed.

We Jumped

2009-10-25T06:00:00.003-05:00

The first step is the biggest step, or so they say. I stood on the precipice of a grand adventure both figuratively and literally.

Only two minutes before I had been living a relatively boring and safe (I must stress "safe") life, then she raced into my hotel room, gunshots roaring behind her. She grabbed my hand and before I even had time to think we were on the side of the hotel looking seven stories down.

She was still holding my hand. "Trust me," she said.

Men in black knocked the door in and filed into my room.

We jumped.

Still a Monster

2009-10-24T06:00:00.022-05:00

Continued from "The Candyman" and "Cheering Up a Sulking Sulk."
~~~

Ever since his overdose on nuclear-infused anti-depressants, Doctor Bobby Bippus became the crazed bipolar monster known as the Incredible Sulk. With every change of mood came a change of color and devastating powers.

The Sulk turned a new hue never before seen: Yellow.

"FOR FIRST TIME SULK FEEL HAPPY!"

"Success!" cried General Oppenheimer. "Good work, Candyman."

"I can wrap rainbows in a sigh," said the Candyman.

Oppenheimer sighed, "I know! I know!"

"SULK SO HAPPY!" and with a flick of his wrist, the Sulk flipped over a city bus. "SO HAPPY!"

Oppenheimer slapped the Candyman upside the head, "This isn't better!"

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

Cheering Up a Sulking Sulk

2009-10-23T06:00:00.003-05:00

Continued from "The Candyman."
~~~

The Incredible Sulk smashed two cars together and then let out a heavyhearted sigh, "SULK FEEL LIKE SULK SMASH THINGS JUST BECAUSE THINGS THERE AND SMASHABLE." He was beginning to turn a hue of blue to reflect his changing mood.

"I know what can cheer you up," said a man who seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

"WHAT DOES CREEPY MUSTACHE MAN HAVE THAT CHEER SULK UP?"

"I take tomorrow, dip it in a dream, separate the sorrow, and collect up all the cream!"

The Sulk stood silent for a moment, "WHAT?"

"I'm the Candyman," the Candyman grumbled.

"CANDY?! SULK LOVE CANDY!"

To be continued . . .

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

The Candyman

2009-10-22T06:00:00.012-05:00

"We've tried taking out the Sulk with bombs and bullets, then we tried psychiatry, but that didn't work," General Oppenheimer explained to the gathering of military officials, "so now we've decided to kill the beast . . . with kindness! Say hello to the Candyman."

A good-natured man with a perpetual smile and creepy mustache approached, "Good evening, officers. Anyone care for a lollipop?"

Three hands rose.

General Oppenheimer continued, "He can take a sunrise, sprinkle it in dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two."

"Who can?"

"The Candyman can. He mixes it with love and makes the world taste good."

To be continued . . .

~~~

More adventures of the Incredible Sulk