Martinis & Mantras

Another Class Card

2008-06-17T16:45:00.002-05:00

As I contemplate shutting down the computer and heading to the gym, I'm recognizing my body's soreness (the good kind) from last night's yoga class. I got another email saying my latest yoga class card was about to expire. I couldn't believe it had been so long already. I was determined not to let it lapse with a vehemence that arose as much from a desire for personal wellness as from sheer embarrassment.

It's been quite a month. On the heels on my grandfather's death, my grandmother passed away after a long and degrading illness. Grief mixed with relief at knowing her pain was finally over.

My relationship tripped, faltered and stumbled into a week long separation. The good news is that we've uncovered all sorts of baggage and bad habits and are well into our second honeymoon phase. And in the interim, I was supported by friends and family who made me feel safe and loved.

During all of this,though, I completely neglected my physical health. I stopped cleaning the apartment and watering the plants. I certainly wasn't going to the gym, or following through with any self care or yoga. I began a torrid love affair with carbs.

As much as I hate to admit it, vanity is getting me back on track more than anything else right now. My blue mood led to gaining a pants size (or so). And now that I'm happily skipping rocks, I'd like to be able to put on a pair of pants.

So here it goes again. The treadmill, the yoga mat, the vitamins, the water, the apple cider vinegar. And in the meantime, dresses will have to suffice instead of pants.

Step 1. (long overdue)

2008-05-07T11:10:00.002-05:00

In September of 2006, I filled out an application to get my Massage Therapy license in NY. I carried it around with me for a while. Left it at my office desk. Changed jobs, brought it home. Moved apartments. It moved with me.

Anyone who knows me knows this is how I tend to do things. I just carry the idea around with me, taking small steps whenever I feel ready.

When I found it this weekend, the application has a sticky note attached with a list of items.

License # (checked)
Name as it appears (checked)
Diploma received from MTI (checked)
Notarized
$100

And now? That application is filled out, notarized, signed and in an envelope, stamped and marked with NY State Dept of Education.

Step 1. (check)

Low Tolerance

2008-05-02T14:01:00.003-05:00

I have a very low tolerance for depression. This does, on occasion, put me at odds with myself. And it wasn't always this way. I used to be able to be depressed for months on end without really even knowing it. I'd just behave inappropriately or make odd choices, that, upon reflection, reveal my unhappiest self.

Now, though, a week, maybe a month, and I start getting annoyed with myself. Currently, I'm shaking off a quick trip to the doldrums. I've been feeling a little off track lately, so I'm trying to figure out how that happened and, more importantly, what I can do about it.

Thing one: The Happy List
These are things that I want to have in my life. Whether that means these are things I can start acting on right now, or maybe circumstances I can only fantasize, for now, it doesn't matter. The task is to list them all out. And even just making this list has improved my mood.

I'll include the list here - just for fun. I notice that I went back and forth in tense and tone. But it doesn't really matter. This was just something to get the engine running! What does your list look like?

Work 4 days a week in an ad office, here or elsewhere. Or work freelance. Or both.

Take yoga teacher training. Then see if I can pick up a class or two on the weekends. Eventually tailor my officetime/writing schedule around my teaching schedule.

Live near more trees and grass.

Be healthy, active and positive.

Continue work on fun and fulfilling outside projects - whatever I choose: Kiwi, First Kiss, Freelance writing.

Travel. Because my schedule is more flexible, I can find great flights in advance and take short trips to Europe, Portland, Quebec or Peru.

I can work from anywhere. So, if I get a sub for my teaching classes - I can travel and write from anywhere. Or if I take a vaca from freelance work, I can go to yoga workshops anywhere in the world.

Take a continuing education yoga class in Bali, or Hawaii.

Have yoga friends. Just a couple of people who live that lifestyle. Who live in the world, but are also spiritual and committed to yoga. It will be nice to be able to melt into that community.

Get closer to my friends - cultivate relationships. Have people over, say yes to activities.

Go for long walks in the park - figure out a way to take Kaylee to central park. Lay down, read a book. Smell the grass and flowers. Sweat a little during the day and be cooled by the breeze on the walk home.

Silence is Golden

2008-04-27T19:09:00.002-05:00

My week-long cold has given way (finally!) and I'm feeling human again. And while my head and body are getting back to normal, my voice has given out completely. I've been compared to a 1-900 operator, a 1920s starlet and, oddly enough, Sigourney Weaver.

I was pretty miserable this past week, and feeling very bad for myself. My fever and weakness led to a mental and emotional whirlwind of angst. I think I am usually busy enough that I plow through whatever doubts I have about myself or my path. But it is when I slow down that I sink into the mire I've put aside. This was not an attractive moment for me. I'm almost glad that L. was out of town, so I could wallow on my own.

The truth, though, is that even though I am feeling better, I have to take note of some of the things that came up in this last week: the doubts and fears that crept into my fevered dreams; the irritation that I felt at some aspects of myself and my career.

Last night was my brother's 40th birthday party, and I was surrounded by love and family. It snapped me out of my funk pretty easily (well, that and a new, pretty dress), and made me grateful for what I do have.

And now, I feel like I'm in this resting place where I have to marinate in the thoughts and sadness that I felt without acting too quickly or rashly. For some reason, I feel as if my voicelessness is a bit of a gift right now. I'm forced to listen, and not respond. There's nothing else to do about it right now. Just listen and acknowledge.

Under the 80-degree weather

2008-04-24T17:16:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine recently admitted that she can barely get herself Saltines when she's not feeling well. For some reason that's made me feel slightly less pitiful.

I have acquired a summer cold that has induced a revisiting of my quarter-life crisis. I'm not sure exactly why a headcold is causing such an extreme emotional reaction, but here it is: Misery.

Oh, and let's pile some guilt on top for not experiencing eternal gratitude for my (admittedly pretty wonderful) life. I just feel like this wonderful life isn't mine somehow. That I chose to go down a road a while back and now everything I do is the parallel-universe version of me, instead of the real me.

We'll see if this is all an antihistamine-induced delirium soon enough. But for now, I'm taking notes.

Your Class Card is About to Expire!

2008-04-18T15:36:00.004-05:00

Three months ago, I bought a 10-class card at my local studio and asked them how long it was valid. I remember saying, out loud, "Well, if I can't go to ten classes in three months, then I should be ashamed of myself."

Cue shame.

I have so many plans to be good. I mean, I plan to go to the gym three times a week and do yoga everyday and go to classes all the time and, and, and...

I plan to be thin and flexible, and happy, and loving, and patient. I plan to do more yoga in the future; I plan to do more massage in the future; I plan, plan, plan.

This is what I do. I walk the dog everyday and make her a special treat with dog food stuffed in a rubber kong bone capped with peanut butter and I put it in the freezer so it will take her longer to chew. I write a special note to her dog-walker every morning. I make the bed, spray it with lavenday,get ready for work and stop to watch Regis and Kelly. I hang fresh eucalyptus in the bathroom.

I go to work everyday. Sometimes I'm really good at my job. Sometimes I'm not as good as I can be. I go to the gym about three times a week, give or take. I miss days when I have to go grocery shopping or do laundry, or hang out with my family. Or just do nothing.

It's not ideal. I'm not ideal. I'm really just doing the best that I can right now.

Some Things

2008-04-09T17:12:00.002-05:00

I learned a lot from my detox. And I have been slowly adding things back in. Brown rice, in to stay. Bread - not so much. I had a sandwich today for the first time. It was good though. Yogurt came back in. I just haven't figured out how to get the calcium and stay healthy without it. I'm working on it.

But what I learned the most was about my motivations. How I'm pretty good at extremism, but not as good at moderation. That I still look for drama and change in my life - even though now I do it with nutritional experiments instead of recreational drugs and cute boys. I listened to my doubts and the excuses I make for myself. I heard my own reproaches and encouragement.

I went away for the weekend with a dear, dear friend of mine. And at one point on the trip there was an oatmeal cookie. This cookie deserved to be eaten. It was homemade and full of oatmeal and raisiny goodness. I ate it with a mug of hot apple cider on a chilled foggy afternoon. It tasted like a stick of butter rolled in oats, and despite my best intentions, I loved it.

After the weekend I wanted to return to my good-eating habits. But even so, I've found ways to eat junk. It turns out that vegan, non-processed foods can be made into cookies, too. Which is a blessing and a curse, I suppose.

Day 10, Already?

2008-04-03T10:06:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that went so quickly. Last weekend, I added in some brown rice to the mix and all of a sudden, I kind of forgot I was altering my diet at all. This is a mixed blessing, because it was nice to note that I didn't particularly miss processed foods or dairy. But on the other hand, I felt a little let down that I wasn't really undertaking a challenge anymore. Does that make any sense? I guess I was looking for more drama. If I'm looking for drama maybe the Master Cleanse is the way to go.

Last night L. came home wanting to order food, but then remarked: "Oh, right, you're not eating food." Which is completely untrue. I have been eating well and plentifully (maybe a little too plentifully, truth be told) and the variety of foods I can eat is great. So we ordered some Asian and I had veggies with brown rice. Normal, fun. But, oh the sauce. I wasn't so careful about the sauce and, man alive! my body did not like that sauce.

My stomach rebelled against the sauce in a pretty major way. So, I'll have to be extra careful about what I'm putting into my body in the coming days.

Someone asked me how long I was planning on doing this, and I told them about the ten-day plan, but added: I may just do it until I don't.

Meaning, maybe this is the way to go for me. I feel much more energy (no caffeine), and I don't crash in the afternoons. Why add foods that will only make me feel heavy and sluggish?

I'll ask that question to myself again as I'm staring a Mystic Pizza in the face this weekend.

A Note on the Salt Flush

2008-03-31T20:34:00.003-05:00

Oh, grody, grody salt flush. Midway through the fast, I was still feeling logy and, well, a little backed up. So, I thought I'd give the salt flush a try. This is something that is recommended along with the Master Cleanse, and is comprised of drinking a quart of warm salt water to induce an "enema-like" effect.

There is something so unnatural about drinking warm, salt water. It tastes so wrong for a reason. We are just not supposed to drink that. I can't help but think of stories of dehydrated castaways turning to salt water to quench that unquenchable thirst. And I now realize just how desperate castaways must be to go to such lengths.

The salt water flush is, in no uncertain terms, effective. It is the kind of practice you'll want to undertake close to home. Very close to home. Sometimes the kitchen seems too far from where you'll find your new home after this. But, man alive, it tastes nasty going down.

Day 7

2008-03-31T14:38:00.002-05:00

I wrote this to a friend of mine this morning: I am loving detox. The last couple of days I have been happy and full of energy. It's lovely. Sometimes I nap. And, once,
I dreamt of cookies, but otherwise all is well.

Last night I came home from a show in the city and whispered sweet nothings in Lawrence's ear, prompting him to ask: "Are you drunk?" Nope. A little apple cider vinegar before bedtime had put the booze in my breath, I guess.

I'm feeling good. Not full of energy in a bounding puppy way, but in a steady, reliable way. I'm focused and thinking well. This weekend I embraced naps when they came, but basically kept busy and active, including going out on Saturday and Sunday nights. I was worried about being too run down, but I seemed to have passed that stage.

The obstacle I face now is more food-boredom than anything else, and that, of course, just requires some innovative thinking and (ahem) some work in the kitchen.

Days 3 & 4

2008-03-28T10:40:00.002-05:00

I'm a little foggy-headed but cheerful today. Yesterday I was very tired and stayed home from work. I slept most of the day away with breaks to walk the dog and brew some tea. I figured I may as well "honor the process," as they say.

From my home on the couch, I spied the bedroom closet and imagined going through all the clothes. I even imagined doing laundry. But I didn't get much further than that.

I'm back at the office today and being only mildly productive. When I got here I realized that I'd forgotten my phone, an umbrella and food for the day. I think it's safe to say I'm not at 100% functionality.

Is my body SO used to caffeine, dairy, and bread that it can't function properly? Of course, when I list it out like that, it does seem like a significant change - despite the fact that I think I eat well normally. I'm not nearly as hungry today, though, so I'm hoping I get over the hump this weekend. Some yoga should help and maybe some inventive food options.

Day 2

2008-03-26T14:12:00.004-05:00

It's hard to tell what is detox and what is regular. Meaning: Am I tired because I'm detoxing, or am I just tired? I went to the gym yesterday and felt absolutely lovely. Yoga this morning was an achey challenge, but it felt great.

Some not-so-hot stuff includes getting winded going up one flight of stairs. And a general light-headedness. But I don't really mind that, actually. It's kind of neat. But focus? There is no focus here.

I brought my gym clothes to the office, but am already day dreaming of an after-work nap.

P.S. Last night I dreamt of eating a cookie.

There is a Season

2008-03-25T14:15:00.004-05:00

I'm doing one of my happy cleanses again. I haven't for a while, so it's back on the fruits and veggies train for me. I read up (again) on the Master Cleanse, but it just didn't feel right. Maybe after a week of no-processed foods I'll feel up for something a little more intense. But for now I am sticking to nothing processed, no milk and cheese. I haven't decided about light grains, but if I add any it will be quinoa and brown rice. Aside from that it's full-steam ahead.

Basically, with all the food in the world to eat, I'm starving. It reminds me that I have to get more creative with my foods.

So Day 1 Detox:
I forgot about caffeine and had green tea this morning. For breakfast I ate a banana, and a pear. And then another banana.

For lunch, chick pea salad + beets, artichoke, grape tomato and sesame seeds with oil and vingar.

Water, water, lots of water. With lemon. With cayenne and lemon. With tea and lemon.

The plan for the rest of the day includes carrots and a trip to the pool. I have veggies to steam for dinner, so we'll see how it goes.

I'd like to do this for 5 days, then add in light grains for another 5. I've read that it helps to write down your goals and the benefits. So I'll do that here, along with my reactions, to help keep me motivated. Whenever I feel the urge to eat something unhealthy (or have a drink at a rock n' roll show) I'll remember these things. In ten days I will:

- have a cleaner digestive system and feel light and feathery inside;
- not feel cold and tired after meals;
- have more energy;
- be more focused;
and my skin with glow with health and hapiness.

Maybe. Probably? Worth a try.

Bunny Shaped

2008-03-20T14:21:00.002-05:00

I am angry angry angry today. It kind of crept up on me. I was fine. And then I noticed the dull humming that occupies my office. Some days it's louder than others, and today it is boring into my brain with the precision of a steadily twisting grapefruit spoon.

The Hum has brought up anger from earlier in the day. A feeling that was bemusement and frustration that, over the course of day, while I wasn't looking, turned into a swiftly growing somersault of rage and emotion.

Luckily, Thursday is Livingroom Yoga day. And I will be hosting a class of one in the bedroom after work with just enough time to gobble up dinner before LOST begins. But in the meantime, where do I put this feeling? Here I am, noticing it, acknowledging it. Waiting for it to pass like a bunny-shaped cloud overhead. It's not leaving yet.

Sleep Mask

2008-03-19T13:26:00.004-05:00

L. enjoys staying up late. He also likes having a little light glow so he can read, find his way to the bathroom and such. I, on the other hand, like it dark, dark. Like, really dark.

Enter Sleep Mask. Omygoodness, I love this thing. It is a simple black sleep mask with a thick elastic band and I'm sure it makes me look like an idiot. But I don't care. I haven't sleep this well in a year.

I wake up spooning (either the dog or L. I can't usually tell right away when I am half-asleep) and have no idea whether it is morning, noon or night. It is just pure, sleep bliss. And I am very grateful for it.

For the record: L does not feel like a dog. But I am a really deep sleeper.

Snoozemaster

2008-03-03T10:05:00.002-06:00

Today did not start with a joyful dogwalk and a leisurely home practice. Instead, it began with an hour of snooze alarm battling, a short business trip for the dog and running to catch the train.

With a to-do list in my pocket and a million things on my mind, I'm planning my afternoon self-care manically. Something tells me that isn't helping...

2008-02-29T13:35:00.001-06:00

I'm really looking forward to going to the pool today. While I've been a little better about keeping my yoga practice consistent, I've been finding every excuse in the world not to go to the gym. Some have been completely valid, and others have been very weak indeed. But, today, I am committed.

This is another piece by Ashley Goldberg. I just can't seem to get enough of her work lately. I love this little girl's apprehension. And it seems to me like she has a bit of a Mona Lisa smile emerging, too. What a perfect, playful mix.

Things I'm Loving

2008-02-28T15:19:00.003-06:00

Oatmeal with walnuts and apples.
Madlibs emails.
Spooning with the dog.
Pretending I have a home studio by lighting a candle and rolling out a mat behind the couch.
The prospect of spring.
Listening to the wind.
Going swimming.
Men with beards,
and men with beards.

Cold Breeze

2008-02-20T12:57:00.003-06:00

I remember one day in high school fixing my hair in the girls' room when an older girl came and tapped me on the shoulder. "Your skirt's tucked in," she said. I turned around and - yikes - the bottom of my skirt was tucked in to the top of my tights. Thank god she was there to tell me before I went out into the hallway. I mean, that's worse than toilet paper stuck to your shoe. I remember being SO embarrased. That girl really saved my life.

So where was she today as I walked to work and my skirt slowly hitched up under my coat? I finally caught my reflection in a store window only to see my grey tights-covered butt peeking out the back of my winter coat, with no pretty skirt to cover it. I was, still, SO embarrased! But this is New York. So, who knows, maybe I meant to dress that way.

Blue

2008-02-19T09:23:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I am blue. Despite the joys of the world, my beautiful home, loving friends and family. Despite even the dog, I am blue.

I am acknowledging it here, right now, as that's the best I can do. I can try not to wallow. I can try not to take it out on my work or my partner. But I am blue, and there it is.

During last night's class our teacher read to us. The phrase that has stuck in my heart is "practice to remember." Practice to remember - and I do. All the times I leaned on my practice while I was in pain or just searching. All the times my mind wandered to the list of complaints instead of breathing into the pose.

Intellectually I remember the joy. I don't feel it quite yet, but it's good to know it's out there. The hum and buzz of energy after a class. The smiling that comes from somewhere on the inside and sneaks up on you during a difficult sequence. The silence.

Last summer I was confused and full of thoughts and plans and other plans. Not knowing what to do, I simply practiced every day. To remember who I was. To tune in to what I needed. It worked then. And the world presented itself to me on a platter.

But just now, I can't seem to see it. It's clouded over by doubt and insecurity. And so I will - practice to remember, every day.

Ode to the Bathroom

2008-02-11T09:33:00.000-06:00

Everything that I use to transform
from a sleepy-looking tumbleweed
into a real-live girl
lives in this room.

So, please get out of the bathroom.

Save The Last Dance

2008-02-02T13:59:00.001-06:00

It's true. I love this movie. It's not the plot - surprisingly enough - it's the dancing. (I'm so putting that Step Up movie on my Netflix.) I'm supposed to be cleaning the house right now. That was the plan, at least. A little mopping, some laundry. But when I got home from class, I ate a little yogurt and my jelly legs plopped themselves down on the couch to watch the little white girl get down.

Maybe I could do a little sweep dancing or, uhm, dustbunny groove.

Where else?

2008-01-29T15:17:00.000-06:00

As some of you may (or may not) have noticed The Hey Lady is currently offline with server problems. We are working on it and hope to be back up and running soon. (And by "we," I mean Ron - my trusty web guru.)

In the meantime, check out another post of mine on The Healthy Snacks Blog. Because I can't get enough of the internet and internet can't get enough of me! Just kidding.

Svadyaya Sisterhood

2008-01-29T10:21:00.000-06:00

After a tense afternoon, I retreated to the yoga studio for a (17-dollar!) class last night. Even though I usually practice at home, a class offers a certain comfort. I know I will be pushed to my edge; I will be safe and comforted there; I can experience a sense of quiet community I don't get to feel when I practice alone.

The class began with a recitation of the Serenity Prayer and an explanation of Svadyaya - self study and introspection.

We watched and felt our breathing, noticed patterns and habits. The subway rumbled underneath us as we opened the practice with an Om. I went to this class as an escape, but instead I found comfort in going deeper into myself.

Going to a teacher-led practice, though expensive, usually opens me up to new ideas and new patterns of movement and thinking. It shakes me out of a rut - which was exactly what I needed to do.

Yoga Wha?

2008-01-28T12:13:00.000-06:00

The new addition to our lives (see Kaylee, below) has been both wonderful and stressful. She (along with The Dog Whisperer) is teaching me to stay in the moment and maintain a calm, confident energy.

I'm working on all that. It certainly is a process. And while our morning walks are meditative, in a sense, I'm excited about getting back on the mat - a form of self-care I've been neglecting lately.

Things that are making me happy right now:

-Burt's Bees Milk & Honey Body Lotion
-Hale & Hearty split pea soup
-Anusura Basic at Yoga Room LIC
-One cup Oolong, one cup green
-Knowing I'm coming home to a warm and love-filled home