From the North...

The Same Old War Stories From The Same Old Labour

2009-07-17T07:29:00.017Z

The Writers' Guild of Great Britain has said that it intends to 'call a public meeting' with the BBC after the battle lines were drawn over the state of its drama commissioning. This particularly author really hopes that the BBC will tell the Writers' Guild of Great Britain exactly what to do to itself and the horse it rode in on. As mentioned in this blog two days ago, that pouting drama queen Tony Garnett (Old Labour) circulated a whinging, self-centred, politically agenderised article by e-mail (which, to be fair is a lot more Twenty First Century than I'd've given the old Commie credit for) in which he accused the BBC of churning out high-volume dramas and stifling creativity with too many layers of management yadda, yadda. Some writers such as Julian Mitchell (Inspector Morse) have publicly supported Garnett, whose analysis 'chimes exactly' with its members' complaints, the Guild continued. It said there had been a 'very noted' rise in the volume of gripes since the start of the year, which were now at a 'worrying level.' However, the BBC has strongly defended itself against the criticism, pointing to more than twenty hours of new orders as evidence that it is backing authored drama. Controller of drama commissioning Ben Stephenson told Broadcast magazine that the industry should be pulling together to save drama, not attacking the BBC. 'My worry is people are losing sight of the real battle, and that something catastrophic is happening to drama in this country. It's good to have debate, but it should be in the spirit of moving forward together.' He also branded the public attacks as 'cowardly' and 'insulting.'

A key complaint was the volume and inconsistency of script notes issued by BBC execs. The Writers' Guild said responding to them was 'like painting the Forth Bridge.' That, of course, is a colloquial term for a never-ending task, coined on the wholly erroneous belief that, at one time in the history of the bridge painting was constantly required and commenced immediately upon completion of the previous repaint. According to a 2004 New Civil Engineer report on contemporary maintenance, such a practice never even existed. So, like much else that the Guild has to say on this subject, this seems to be based on an apparent fallacy. Stephenson defended the practice. 'Did Patrick Spence give notes on Occupation? Yes. Did he piss people off sometimes? Of course he did. The nature of making something good is tension. It's got to be respectful, but you've got to have a robust conversation. If we ask questions, that is good.' Some writers including Doctor Who showrunner Steven Moffat and Cranford's Heidi Thomas spoke up for the BBC. Thomas claimed she has 'fruitful' relationships with BBC execs and Moffat called for an end to 'a load of old war stories.' You took the words right out of my mouth, Mr Moffat, sir. Indeed, Tony Jordan did an even better job of calling this nonsense what it actually is, a right load of old self-aggrandising bollocks, in this piece in the Gruniad in which he compares Garnett, amusingly, to Harry Enfield's sulky Kevin the Teenager. Other writers have sided with Garnett. Mitchell said: 'It knocks the stuffing out of writers and producers. I know plenty of people who have given up and moved into other things because they had to fight so hard and for so long. It's bleeding the thing white.' What, you mean that somebody at managerial level felt what a writer had done wasn't to their liking and told them to do it differently before they'd give the writer their money to make it? Well, how dare they? Stop being so precious, you're getting paid to do a job of work, what more do you want? Maybe you should try working in a call centre for a spell see if that's more to your liking. Another 'respected' writer (at least, according to Broadcast), currently developing 'a number of BBC projects,' blamed an overemphasis on brands rather than writers. 'The courage of commissioning at the BBC can be measured by the number of old shows being re-treated. It's great that they revived Doctor Who, but that shouldn't be their biggest thing.' Why not, exactly? What should be 'their biggest thing' then, whatever you're writing? See what I mean? Pure, unadulterated selfishness. It's important to note, however, that this individual - like many other writers - was said to be unwilling to go 'on the record' with the magazine for fear of losing business with the BBC. Nice bit of chicken-shit hypocrisy there, pal. Copper's narking up yer boss without even having the courage to put your name to the criticism. One person who did go on the record was GF Newman, creator of the 1970s BBC series Law and Order and writer/producer of Judge John Deed - another dready old leftie, albeit one that I've always had a lot of respect for. He said that he sympathised with both sides in the argument but was emphatic on one point: 'Everyone in the business is hiding behind the sofa afraid to speak out because they want their next commission.' However, Stephenson stressed that he would 'never not commission' a writer because they had complained about the process. Well, he's a far better man than me in that case. Because I'll tell you what, if I was ever to be in charge of a network's drama output (unlikely!) and somebody gave me a mouthful of impertinent lip, publicly, over how I was doing my job, I'd make damn certain they never ate lunch in this town again. I'm sorry but this argument really does bring out the very worst in me - working in TV is a privilege, not a right. I think, sometimes, some of those involved in the industry forget just how lucky they are to have the job they do.

I want to be absolutely clear about this; my own - very minor - dealings with TV script-writing have been a co-written drama pilot (that I got bloody well paid for, I should add) which has spent most of the last decade in various stages of 'development hell' and will probably never be made now. And a co-written sitcom that hasn't even got to the 'we're considering it' stage yet. I've sat in my fair share of meetings with middle-ranking TV execs - getting nowhere fast - and, thus, I have no axe to grind in this matter whatsoever. Other than as a licence fee payer and as somebody who really dislikes those who do a job I'd pay good money to have moaning about the manifest unfairness of life.

Right. Onto far more worthwhile topics. The BBC is planning to transfer its BBC4 comedy biopic formula to BBC1 with a ninety-minute drama on the early years of Morecambe and Wise. Acclaimed scriptwriter Peter Bowker (Occupation, Blackpool, Desperate Romantics) is penning the piece and said it was likely to be produced by the BBC's in-house team in Wales if commissioned. The drama will tell the story of young comedians Eric Bartholomew and Ernest Wiseman's first meeting while appearing in Jack Hylton's review Youth Takes a Bow in 1941. The partnership broke up when Ernie was conscripted into the Merchant Navy, but they were reunited by chance in 1946 and went on to become one of Britain's most loved and successful comedic duos and TV icons for an entire generation or two. The drama has been earmarked for BBC1 and, if ordered, will follow the Curse of Comedy season, which won critical acclaim and brought impressive audiences for BBC4. It included The Curse of Steptoe and Most Sincerely and helped to establish BBC4's strong reputation for biopic drama. Bowker said Morecambe and Wise were 'true British legends. The comedy style at the time was very much about making gags to the audience, but Morecambe and Wise realised quite early on that they could be funny by talking to each other as well. I've written quite a lot of extremely dark scripts lately so it was incredibly refreshing to be writing some comedy for a change.' I'm genuinely excited by the prospects of that one.

The size of the challenge facing the next BBC comedy chief was spelled out this week as the BBC Trust highlighted failings in the genre. In particular, it called for more firepower behind pre-watershed shows on BBC1, after research found that the channel is losing its reputation as the home of the best comedy. In a statement in its 'review and assessment' of the BBC's 2008-09 annual results, it said: 'Meeting audience expectations for high-quality pre-watershed comedy remains a challenge for the channel and audience perceptions that BBC1 is the best channel for comedy have dropped.' It conceded there were 'some successes' on BBC1, singling out Outnumbered and My Family - but noted that both of these originated prior to the financial year in question. Considerably prior in the case of the latter. Commenting more generally, the Trust also recognised the difficulty in launching new comedy, noting that risks are not always well received. 'Scores vary widely for comedy programmes and we recognise that taking creative risks does not always result in programmes considered by audiences to be of high quality,' it said. The BBC currently has no controller of comedy commissioning, following Lucy Lumsden's move to Sky as its first head of comedy. The corporation will interview candidates for the vacancy over the next two weeks. CBBC controller Anne Gilchrist is also moving to in-house comedy production on a one-year attachment, with a specific brief to address the pre-watershed comedy problem. The Trust highlighted comedy and drama as crucial in bridging the continuing gap between audience perceptions of quality and originality on the BBC and their expectations. In drama, it highlighted Criminal Justice and God on Trial as two of the BBC's most original shows, but called for more 'range and ambition' across all types of drama, including soaps. 'A number of long-running dramas, despite being perceived as high quality, are not seen as particularly original,' it said. 'We believe there remain opportunities for BBC Television to show greater range and creative ambition.'

Following the huge success of the Victorian Farm series, BBC2 is presenting the same intrepid team with a brand new set of challenges as they are forced to get to grips with the trials and tribulations of life on an Edwardian Farm. Janice Hadlow, Controller, BBC Two, said: 'Victorian Farm was an innovative format that really seemed to resonate with the way people feel towards their community and relate to each other in the current economic climate. Faced with tough challenges, it showed just what can be achieved by a team of people when they work together towards a common goal. Edwardian Farm will bring with it a different set of challenges which I am sure will prove every bit as stimulating and inspiring.' Victorian Farm was extremely popular on the channel earlier this year, drawing an average audience of three and a half million, with the final episode attracting over four million viewers – almost twice the timeslot average. Archaeologists Alex Langlands and Peter Ginn and domestic historian Ruth Goodman will return to front Edwardian Farm, spending a full year delving into Britain's rural heritage. They will make their home in a new location, exploring the challenges posed by the British countryside at a time of great change and tumult; a time when farming was becoming increasingly mechanised at home, and abroad the world was moving gradually towards war. As in the first series, the action will be based primarily on the farm, but the new setting will also allow the team to explore wider aspects of the working countryside, including rivers and coasts, boat-building, mining, fishing and market gardening. The twelve episode series will be produced by Lion Television.

ITV's drama, entertainment, factual and daytime commissioners have five hundred million pounds to spend on original programmes for ITV next year - with half earmarked for the independent sector. The £500m will include money for returning series and long-running soaps such as Coronation Street and Emmerdale, but excludes spend on news, night-time programming, acquisitions and sports rights. The figure is part of ITV's broader programming budget, which will fall by at least sixty five million this year. Speaking to approximately two hundred attendees at ITV's Producers Forum, director of television Peter Fincham said the sum proved ITV was open for business. But he warned producers that ITV would look to do flexible deals with its suppliers, despite signing the terms of trade with Pact. Factual presents the most opportunities for suppliers for midweek and Sunday 8pm and 9pm slots. Celebrity-led pieces on popular subjects and behind-the-scenes access shows are wanted, as are documentaries or programmes with a natural history slant. The Coronation Street and Emmerdale schedule switch has created a thirty-minute slot on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm. Director of factual and daytime Alison Sharman said the slot would pay £25,000-£30,000 and was ideal for 'simple propositions' such as the recently successful series Countrywise. Director of comedy Elaine Bedell said she was looking to turn ITV's low summer ratings on their head in 2011, with a glossy stripped entertainment series, or up to three big shows that could run simultaneously. For 2010, she is looking for a live entertainment show in the vein of Don't Forget Your Toothbrush or sophisticated gameshows for Friday at 9pm. Comedies and panel shows for Saturday nights are also on the wishlist, but she warned against producers pitching dating shows or amateur singing contests. Drama director Laura Mackie is looking for gritty female-led dramas and possibly an action adventure or science fiction series. Three-part series such as Whitechapel are key for Mondays at 9pm, and she is also looking for two-hour single dramas to play out on bank holidays.

Actor and comedian David Mitchell has traced his paternal Scottish roots back to the Highland Clearances. For an episode of BBC1's Who Do You Think You Are?, he found his ancestors were sheep farmers in Sutherland who later mysteriously abandoned the farm. The programme, to be shown next month, will reveal their part in The Clearances and also how one member of the family became something of a local hero. The Clearances saw tenant crofting families moved to make way for sheep. Mitchell found his relatives had farmed at Tongue in the far north of Scotland. He is best known for appearing with Robert Webb in comedy series Peep Show and That Mitchell & Webb Look. The pair met at Cambridge University, where Mitchell was president of the Footlights Club. They wrote for programmes including Armstrong and Miller, Big Train and Dead Ringers.

The final dramatic role of actress Wendy Richard, who died in February, has been screened for the first time. The former EastEnders actresses performance as the cook in a forthcoming episode of Agatha Christie's Marple was shown at an ITV press screening. Richard's widower John Burns told BBCi that Wendy would have been 'delighted' with the finished product. Actress Julia McKenzie, who plays the sleuth, said Richard was 'amazing' during filming last year. 'Wendy obviously knew she was suffering from cancer, but you wouldn't have known that at all. She was thoroughly professional and very pleasant company to be with all the time,' said McKenzie, known for her roles in Cranford and 1980s sitcom Fresh Fields. Richard plays Mrs Crump, head of a stately home's kitchen, in the murder mystery A Pocket Full of Rye. Mr Burns, who that Richard had loved filming the drama, revealed that she cultivated the character's West Country accent after going out to dinner with some friends who come from the area. McKenzie also paid tribute to actor Ken Campbell, who also made his final dramatic performance in A Pocket Full of Rye. Campbell, who died in September aged sixty six, played butler Mr Crump. 'I've never know someone quite so dynamic in my whole life,' said McKenzie. 'You just never knew what was coming out of Ken. In one scene, he started to rather fancy Marple. That was Ken and that wasn't in the script! He always did the unexpected.' McKenzie has taken over the role from Geraldine McEwan, who made more than twelve Marple dramas for ITV over the course of three years. Other actresses to portray the sharp-minded spinster have included Joan Hickson (my mother's particular favourite, I should add at this point!), Angela Landsbury and Margaret Rutherford. A Pocket Full of Rye and three other Marple murder mysteries are due to be shown on ITV later this year.

The Rooneys are to star in a TV documentary branded 'Wayne's World,' press reports say. Manchester United and england striker Wayne has permitted a camera crew to follow him for several months, according to the Sun. The show will focus on the birth of his first baby with wife Coleen and his life playing for The Scum. An insider said: 'It's a big step for Wayne to let the cameras in. It won't be too intrusive. Anything they don't like will hit the cutting room floor.' Sky is reportedly in talks about broadcasting the documentary.

An online comedy about first year students at university is to be made into a TV series. The BBC said Fresh was its first comedy to make the move from the internet to one of its main channels. The show started with a series of five-minute video 'webisodes' on the BBC's teen website Switch last autumn. Seven thirty-minute episodes will be broadcast on BBC Two, in the Saturday afternoon Switch slot, and on BBC3, starting in September. The show focuses on group of students as they embark upon their university life. Inbetweeners star James Buckley will appear, joined by Jonathan Bailey, Danny Morgan and Joanna Cassidy.

Sophie Dahl has signed up to front a new cookery series for BBC2, it has been announced. The model-turned author, who is engaged to jazz singer Jamie Cullum, has teamed up with Jamie Oliver's Fresh One Productions for the new series. So, that'll be worth avoiding then. 'For me, food is more than just fuel; it's a joy and an adventure,' she said. 'Cooking often serves as an emotional barometer, and with this show we will run the gamut - from a solo dinner that suits melancholy to a homecoming feast for twenty, It's cooking with an anecdotal thread: irreverent, unpredictable and not without flaw.' BBC2 controller Janice Hadlow added: 'We are delighted to be bringing Sophie's culinary talents to the channel. Not only are her recipes fantastic, she's honest, funny and warm.' The series is expected to air in 2010.

David Hasselhoff has reportedly claimed that he wants Katie Price to star in a British version of his former show Baywatch. The glamour model is thought to be among the favourites to take on the role of lifeguard CJ Parker, made famous in the original series by Pamela Anderson. 'I've been thinking about basing a new show over here. It would be called UK-Watch. And Jordan is certainly feisty and has curves in all the right places,' he is quoted as telling the Daily Star. Hasselhoff previously branded Price 'stunning' and suggested that they could 'have a lot of fun together' if they were both single. Price is thought to have already held discussions with some of Hollywood's biggest agencies about the possibility of launching a movie career. She recently jetted to Los Angeles for a holiday, but it has been rumoured that she may take acting classes while there.

Family Guy has become the first animated programme to be nominated for the 'outstanding comedy series' Emmy Award in forty eight years. According to E!, The Flintstones was recognised in the category - then known as 'outstanding programme achievement in the field of humour' - in 1961. The Simpsons has never been nominated for the category although it has won a total of thirteen Emmy Awards for various other categories including 'outstanding animated programme.'

Drama Kings, Drama Queens And Old Comrades

2009-07-15T08:47:00.020Z

Stephen Fry has admitted that he illegally downloaded an episoe of House, the hit US show which stars his former comedy partner Hugh Laurie. First rule of Fight Club, Stephen - never admit to nothing. You learn that on day one. The Qi host told an audience in London that he had used the bittorrent system to acquire a copy of Laurie's show. Speaking at the iTunes Festival at London's Roundhouse, Fry said: 'The last thing I illegally downloaded. Was it a gay sex romp? It was actually the season finale of House.' The website stuff.tv said Fry had quickly pointed out he had legally downloaded the entire series but was in Indonesia when the final episode went out and was unable to obtain a legitimate copy. Asked how he felt about his own work being pirated, Fry, who has written about technology for the Gruniad, said: 'I'm against cynical bootlegging but I work in a very mollycoddled, overpaid business.' Welcome to the Twenty First Century, Stephen!

The BBC's drama controller, Ben Stephenson, has announced five new dramas set for BBC1 in 2010. Stephenson said that the new commissions would 'demonstrate the BBC's renewed commitment to drama series and serials and give us a reason to be proud of all the talent coming out of Britain at the moment.' The first of his five commissions, Silence, is a four-part coming of age drama from Company Pictures, written by Fiona Seres. The plot focuses on an eighteen-year-old deaf girl who is an unwitting key-witnesses a murder. There is a new six-part detective series from Neil Cross - a writer on both Spooks and The Fixer. Luther (working title), will showcase detective John Luther struggling with his personal demons while attempting to track down a killer each week. In a twist on the traditional format, the killer's identity will, Columbo-style, be known to the audience from the opening scene. A new take on the old Sherlock Holmes concept appears in a new, and much-anticipated, three-part series, Sherlock, created by Doctor Who scripters Stephen Moffat and Mark Gattis and made by Hartswood Films. In contrast, Stephenson has also ordered a two-episode adaptation of Kay Mellor's stageplay A Passionate Woman. The first episode tells the story of a mother's affair in the 1950s while the second, set in the 1980s, shows the consequences of that liaison. Finally, Tiger Aspect will produce a five-part series entitled The Deep, set in the Arctic. Written by Beautiful Creatures author Simon Donald, it focusses on the crew in an oceanographers submarine who become trapped beneath the ice with no power, limited oxygen and no communication after catastrophe strikes. But it soon becomes apparent they are not alone. The dramas will all be broadcast on BBC1 in the first half of next year. Stephenson said: 'It is a credit to the writers and producers of this country that so much astonishing work is coming through. All of these pieces start and end with a writers startling vision. Following on from the success of Peter Bowker's Occupation and Russell T Davies's Torchwood, I hope these new commissions demonstrate the BBC's renewed commitment to drama series and serials and give us a reason to be proud of all the talent coming out of Britain at the moment.'

A prop used in a forthcoming episode of Spooks sparked a security alert near a London station which disrupted train services for more than an hour. An over-zealous passer-by spotted the item - described as 'an oil drum with wires protruding from it' - in a locked yard close to Deptford train station on 1 July. Southeastern train company said services were suspended until midnight. The drama, which revolves around MI5, is shot at a studio in Bermondsey. A spokeswoman for the production firm, Kudos said: 'A prop used on Spooks was stored securely in the production's private courtyard. A member of the public looked into the yard and, on seeing the prop, decided to alert the emergency services. As soon as the Spooks production team were contacted, they confirmed the package was just a prop and not dangerous.' A spokesman for the train company said the alert delayed about a dozen trains travelling between Charing Cross and Dartford, Dover and Hastings. Some trains were stopped on the tracks while others were delayed for up to forty minutes at the station.

This Life, Between the Lines, The Cops and Cathy Come Home producer Tony Garnett has launched an attack on the BBC that Broadcast magazine describes as 'blistering' but, which to me, reads like nothing more than the bitter moanings of a jaded has-been. He accused the corporation of smothering creativity and 'packing in junk' in a cynical bid for ratings. In a lengthy article penned by the awful - and now, seemingly unemployable - old Communist and circulated by e-mail, Garnett argued that the corporation has introduced so many layers of management it has ended up 'like McDonalds' and is churning out high-volume dramas as though they were 'soap flakes.' Mixed metaphor there, Tone I'm afraid - McDonalds don't make soap products, that's Proctor and Gamble you're thinking of. Rather, they make burgers. And nuggets. Which is appropriate. Anyway, the corporation has lost its ability to deliver its raison d'être (which seems, in this particular case, to be French for 'shows that I produce') because of too many 'well-meaning' executives whose job is to 'put spanners in the works,' he added. In what he claimed was a sketch of the BBC's drama commissioning process, Garnett stated that development is typically strung out over two years and is riven by discussions between internal and external producers about how they can side-step other staff. He also suggested there is a general unwillingness to take risks on new talent, and that notes are handed out by channel controllers who have little experience of drama. 'Detailed supervision by more and more layers, reporting to more and more senior executives, does not result in higher standards,' said Garnett. 'Working in art, film or commercial cinema is like dancing through a minefield, and every broadcaster is now racing down-market in a desperate attempt to survive. But what is happening at the BBC is the real scandal: it is bigger than all the rest combined, it is free from direct commercial pressure and its public service obligations carry cultural responsibilities. There are no excuses.' I'm sorry, I've just got absolutely no time for any of this crap bleating which amounts to nothing more than an example of cosy nostalgia for an era that's now long gone. But, still he went on. And on. And on. 'Over the last decade or so the BBC, in perhaps its worst public service dereliction, has skewed its money and airtime decisively towards high-volume junk which runs across the year. In addition to EastEnders and Casualty it now has Holby City and numerous other lengthy series. There are very few single pieces or mini-series, the kind of original writers' work where a voice can communicate directly with an audience.' I must say, I particularly like the criticism of 'high-volume drama' though. That's a corker. Sorry, remind me what you spent most of the early-to-mid nineties producing for the BBC, Tony? This Life wasn't it? Between the Lines? Ballykissangel? Are you disowning them? 'The BBC has the duty and the resources to make a full range of programmes,' he continued. 'But in this shift in balance they expose their opportunistic cynicism. Ratings are their default argument, as though this were the only criterion.' So, your argument - if I understand it correctly - is, essentially, the same as that of Ofcom and some extreme right-wing Tory MPs then, Tony? That the BBC should only be making programmes that nobody wants to watch. Interesting. Or could it, possibly, have anything to do with this report in the Gruniad a few months ago which suggests that Garnett's World Productions is in big trouble and close to going bust, possibly because no TV network wants anything that they're pitching? 'By opting to get an audience the easy way they short change both the audience and the programme makers,' Garnett concluded. 'Better to pack them in with junk. Cost per thousand viewers cannot lie. But a high volume show is a branch of manufacturing.' Oh, sod off back to the glorious sixties you utterly depressing little man. A BBC spokeswoman said: 'We welcome open and honest debate about the state of drama and the creative process but we believe the quality and range of drama on the BBC speaks for itself.' For which, read 'don't expect to be seeing something Tony Garnett has any involvement in turning up anytime soon on the BBC. Which is, we suspect, the real reason behind this crass tirade.' The BBC is the biggest supplier of drama in the country, she went on, 'making hundreds of hours of original drama each year across four channels. BBC drama works with hundreds of new and established writers every year.' She cited the recent examples of Occupation, Guy Hibbert's Five Minutes of Heaven on BBC2, and Torchwood. She also noted a string of forthcoming dramas, including the sixth series of New Tricks and the third series of The Street, adding: 'Each are full of creativity and individual voices.' And, thankfully, free also of old, bitter Reds. Well, except The Street, I guess!

Just to continue this train of thought a bit further, Matthew McIntyre made a very good point over on Fortress of Solitude when he noted that 'telling people how to do their job seems to be arrogant, pointless and counter-productive. If you make a valid point about the state of BBC drama then it's up to them to work out how to try and address it. I think that some of the criticism in this Guardian article by Gareth McLean [from 2008] crossed the same line.' Quite. I criticise the BBC as much as anybody - I'm a licence-fee payer and I, therefore, have that right - but I am not blind to the realities of the modern world. Whenever I hear somebody says 'the BBC should be making this type of show because of its Public Service commitments' my response is, usually, 'you mean a type of programme that you like (or, in this particular case, you make) but bugger all other people want to see?' It's very interesting how often the Public Service argument is used in the TV industry to, essentially, push a bit of self-interest. I think Gareth's article touches on some interesting points and he's nowhere near as blinkered and myopic as Garnett clearly is, but - again - it seems to be the case that he talked to a bunch of people who were bitter because they've been told to go away and rewrite a script that they've worked for eighteen months on by Ben Stephenson. Who's only in his early thirties and, therefore, clearly 'knows nowt about owt!' I mean, why mention his age in the article otherwise? That, like Garnett's rant, has the toxic stink of 'bitter old angry hack writers' smeared all over it!

And, speaking of Gareth McLean, I've always rather rated him, personally; he was just about the first British TV journalist to understand and to articulate - in what we might called the 'quality' press anyway - that the cult of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was something beyond mere teenage-fluff-and-nonsense. Frankly, that cuts him a lot of slack as far as I'm concerned. However, I'm told a little story which may well change that opinion: Apparently he was on the BAFTA panel for selecting TV comedies this year and he wouldn't countenance Gavin and Stacey being nominated because - get this - he considered it 'so bourgeois.' Now, if he'd said that he didn't think it was especially funny, or that there were better nominees or even that just he didn't get and/or like it, then fine. I wouldn't have argued with any of those - there's a lot of truth in all three statements. But 'so bourgeois.' What the hell does that actually mean? (I know what the word 'bourgeois' means, obviously, before you all start writing in with the dictionary definition. I did take that O Level.) So, if that's true - and I'm that assured it is - then, as far as I'm concerned, Gareth's used up all of his Buffy-bonus-points in one go and, from now on, he's batting on the same level as everyone else! Thanks to Sideshow Bob for bringing that gem to my attention.

On a similar theme Chris Moyles has also attacked the BBC - what is this, 'piss off you employer' week? I must've missed that memo - but this time for making 'dull programmes on purpose so as not to offend anyone.' Ah, everyone's a critic, these days! Speaking in the Radio Times, the obnoxious breakfast host said radio shows were 'so formulaic' that the likes of he and Jonathan Ross stand out for being different. Moyles is, of course, no stranger to controversy. Earlier this year, he was censured by Ofcom for making apparent homophobic remarks about Will Young. He was also previously been forced to grovelling apologise for swearing at a caller live on air. Moyles said: 'The BBC is in a very weird state where they just don't want to upset anybody.' Unlike you, Christopher, who seemingly take great delight in upsetting everyone. How's that lifestyle choice working out for you, anyway?

Former EastEnders star Michelle Collins has revealed that she has auditioned for a role on ABC's Desperate Housewives. The actress, who played scheming Cindy Beale in the Walford soap, told BBC1's Breakfast that she may soon be heading to Los Angeles. 'I've got an American visa now so I've spent quite a bit of time there,' she admitted. 'I went to a casting for Desperate Housewives, but I haven't got it yet. As I've told people about it, they're amazed and have been telling me that someone like Cindy from EastEnders would be great for that show. I have to remind them I’m not Cindy, I'm Michelle.' If I were you, love, I'd've keep my mouth shut until I'd actually been given a job. The forty six-year-old also said that she had tried out for other US shows, including Bones and CSI. As a big fan of both, is it so very wrong of me to hope that they also turned her down flat? 'I'm just doing what a lot of British actors are doing there at the moment - "the LA thing." I'd like to think there's been interest in me. But I'm a single parent so obviously that would be my biggest consideration before going for anything in America.'

Amanda Redman has revealed that she fears losing out on lucrative TV roles because of her age. The forty nine-year-old actress admitted that she may struggle to find work again once her BBC1 crime drama New Tricks comes to an end. Speaking to the Daily Mirror, she explained: 'I don't stop worrying about it. Outside the roles are not there. In our industry there is never going to be anything other than young and beautiful. That is great, but there is room for the rest of us. People do get interesting as they get older!' Well, with Liz Smith having just announced her retirement there's at least one gap in the market for those 'dotty old lady' roles. I think Amanda would be quite good at those. Redman added that she tries to boost her future career prospects by making daily visits to the gym. 'I do three hours every day. I do get addicted and I hate it but I go because I have to,' she said. 'As you get older, TV becomes more difficult. The shots of your arms, tops and lines are magnified. It is not how you see yourself in the street.'

BBC1's award-winning drama The Street will not return for a fourth series, show creator Jimmy McGovern has announced. The story broke in the Gruniad who were, of course, weeping into their muesli over it and keen to draw some links between it and Tony Garnett's whinging on the shocking state of, you know, everything (see above). The scriptwriter told Radio4 that the decision was due to cutbacks at ITV Studios in Manchester, where the anthology drama was filmed. 'It's finished now because ITV have closed down that unit,' McGovern explained. 'I am sure that's why Michael Grade left - because it was a content-led revival, he said, and they have closed down the producers of the best content.' On the possibility of recruiting another producer for the drama, McGovern insisted: 'I wouldn't want to. All the people have gone. You live and breathe with people, you walk into busy rooms and see people working hard - the casting, the make up, the wardrobe, even the receptionists - and the next minute they are all gone. It's so sad - one of the best dramas ITV has ever made.' A BBC spokeswoman told the Gruniad: 'This is a decision Jimmy McGovern has taken as a result of recent changes at Granada. We respect that decision and we are currently in talks with him about future developments.'

ABC is reportedly being sued by a TV writer who claims that the network has 'ripped off' his ideas and storyline for Lost. Anthony Spinner, who has been writing and producing television episodes since the 1960s, but who last wrote anything that was actually made over a decade ago, said that he offered ABC a pilot based on an aeroplane crash-landing in the jungle. According to Spinner, he presented the network with the format on three different occasions - in 1977, 1991 and 1994 - only to be knocked back each time. You've thought he would have taken the hint the first time, wouldn't you? In the suit filed in Los Angeles on 10 July, the producer insisted that his idea was plagiarised and is seeking damages and a cut of the royalties from the series. And yet, he waited until the show had been on air for almost six years before saying anything? How very mysterious. Still, this is Lost we're talking about, mystery and it go hand in hand.

League of Gentlemen producer Jemma Rodgers has returned to the BBC to become executive editor of comedy for BBC Scotland. Rodgers spent eight years in BBC production before going freelance in 1998 as associate producer on the first series of the black comedy, which she continued to produce for its second and third years. She later spent twelve months at Tiger Aspect, where she co-wrote and produced Double Take with Alison Jackson, before running her own company, Junction Films, the independent behind Irvine Welsh's spectacularly bad Channel 4 comedy drama Wedding Belles. Her other credits include Murphy's Law, Hat Trick's Holocaust drama God on Trial, the thoroughly wretched Victoria Wood With All The Trimmings, Little Miss Jocelyn and a one-off episode of Pulling.

The BBC Worldwide chief executive, John Smith, is confident a deal to form a joint venture with Channel 4 will be signed within weeks following the tabling of a new streamlined proposal that he claims has gained traction with both parties. Both broadcasters have been locked in at times fraught discussions to thrash out a commercial partnership deal to secure the future of Channel, 4 which claims it faces a funding gap of as much as £150m from 2012. Smith, who would not elaborate on specific stumbling blocks, said the new proposition would pull in parts of Channel 4's operation, including ad sales as well as using its strong heritage in genres such as gardening, property and food. '[I feel we are] weeks away from being able to agree – longer for a legally binding contract – a term sheet [document outlining main points of the deal]. I'd like to think we will do it irrespective of politics. If it makes commercial sense I always believe we should do it.'

ITV has scrapped this year’s National Television Awards, pushing back the ceremony until January 2010. But the commercial broadcaster has promised that the 'new deal' will see the ceremony refreshed, by moving it to the larger O2 arena in London and handing presenting duties from veteran Trevor MacDonald to The X Factor's Dermot O'Leary for the next two years. MacDonald has hosted the event for the last thirteen years but said: 'I think it is the right time to relinquish my role as presenter.'

Fear And Self-Loathing In The Woods

2009-07-15T07:08:00.009Z

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping blagged himself a freebie to go and see the press-showing of Lars von Trier's controversial movie Antichrist yesterday. Well ... that was certainly an experience I'm not going to forget in a hurry. It's a very well made film, I have to say that up front. It's astonshingly well-acted by Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg. In fact, it's got a lot going for it. It's just ... unwatchable. Graphic, gratuitous, disturbing, angry, wretched (in the broadest meaning of the word) and shocking. And, in places, sick. I mean, there is one particular bit in it - and, anybody who's read the plot will know, specifically, the bit I'm thinking of - where I almost spilled the breakfast that I didn't eat before going to see it. And, I am really not a squeamish man, I managed to sit through Last House of the Left without even blinking. Tame, compared to this. The closest thing I can think of to compare it to would be something like Passolini's 120 Days of Sodom - quite possibly a masterpiece, in its own convoluted way, but you really wouldn't want to watch it for pleasure. So, Antichrist - highly recommened, then. If, that is, your idea of "fun" is genital torture. Others may want to give it a miss. Although, admittedly, the talking fox was way-cool!

A necessary PS: This review does not mean, in any way, that I associate myself with the views of Daily Mail. Just thought I'd point that out in case anyone was wondering. I was also rather amused by the assertion of the girl from The Times that the film proves von Trier 'hates women.' I think, if there's one thing that Antichrist proves overwhelmingly it's that Mr von Trier hates pretty much EVERYONE - including himself. (Anti-Everything would've been a much more appropriate title.) And, I - genuinely - don't have a problem with that or with him making films which reflect it. It keeps him off the streets, if nothing else. I just don't particularly want to watch them, that's all.

Week Twenty Nine: Dandies & Dragons

2009-07-14T08:40:00.010Z

It's the start of another Top Telly Week, dear blog reader. So, without any further ado, procrastination, messing about, larking around, swinging the lead, chewin' a Malteser, rockin' in the free world, jiggering the pokery. Etc. Hey ho, let's go -

Friday 17 July
The suddenly 'omni-present on telly these days' Steve Jones (you know, the really annoying Welsh kid on Channel 4) hosts a celebrity television quiz, As Seen on TV - Friday 8:30 BBC1. Which features classic clips, 'hilarious' (it says here) out-takes and 'the best of the best of current television.' So, in that case, if it doesn't include at least one clip of Torchwood then that's, clearly, a lie and all viewers will be, hopefully, allowed to smack somebody connected to this show with a blunt implement of their choice. I suspect that what they actually mean by this is 'the best of the best of the sort of current television that people who are likely to watch this show also watch. You know, like soap operas and reality shows.' Sort of TV Burp-lite, if you will. Very lite. Regular team captains Fern 'see, I have still got a job' Britton and the funny but, 'God-he-gets-some-crap-formats-to-appear-in' Jason Manford are joined this week by Holby City's Tina Hobley, lank-haired design guru Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, 'first time I've seen her in anything for ages' ex-sitcom star Pauline Quirke and Wor Luscious Lovely Lauren Laverne. Okay ... that became a better description quite suddenly, there. The teams will face TV theme tunes performed by a beat-boxer, Steve Jones shedding his clothes to wear a classic TV costume and a blast from the past for one of the panel. So, this sounds very like Telly Addicts: The Next Generation, basically. Just what we need for Friday nights. An excuse to go out and get hammered.

Saturday 18 July
In A Touch of Frost - 8:30 ITV - David Jason investigates whether three male bodies found buried naked in the shape of a triangle are part of some sick satanic ritual or are the work of a member of the percussion section of the local school orchestra. Will closer analysis lead him in a different direction? Bermuda? Suit yerself ... Meanwhile, ruthless millionaire press baron James Callum is determined to make his mark on Denton and will stop at nothing to get what he wants. Will Frost be able to stop Callum in his tracks before his actions lead to fatal consequences?

Sunday 19 July
Comfortably the best title for any show on television this week is Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum - 9:00 BBC3 - in which various moddlycoddled seventeen to twenty five-year-olds with no obvious life-skills are fast-tracked into fully functioning, independent adults in just four weeks. Impressive. It's taken me the best part of forty five years to make that grade and I'm still not quite there yet. With the prize of a round-the-world trip on offer, they must give up their parent's home comforts to co-hab a house in London where they will have to fend for themselves. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the world's first flat-share-sitcom-reality show. No sorry, not first, twenty-ninth. I think the BBC might find that MTV had this idea fifteen years ago, it was called The Real World. And, hilariously, in each episode, the most useless kid will be ejected. Thrown, bodily, out into the gutter along with the other turds, perhaps? It doesn't say in the publicity blurb, but I'm hoping there's going to be at least a bit of that on offer. Things get off to a cold start when a lack of hot water sends the contestants into a stroppy drama-queen tizz and then they must spend the day running a hotel. Again, one can only shake ones heads in utter shame that some TV executive somewhere actually came up with such an unoriginal idea and got paid for it. No justice.

If you prefer something a bit more, I don't know, watchable, entertaining and not conceptually (and morally) arid, then there's always Top Gear - 8:00 BBC2. Jeremy, Richard and James search for petrolhead heaven in the form of three fifteen hundred pound rear-wheel drive coupes and somehow find themselves entered in a terrifying French ice-race. Ah, it's another of their 'funny challenge' episodes. Meanwhile, Hamster tries to speed up summer holiday flights by inventing the sport of airport vehicle racing and Clarkson walks with dinosaurs in the new BMW Z4 (yes, that'll be that SFX clip from the new season trailer that got everybody so excited a few weeks back). Sienna Miller is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car which will, presumably, see Jezza on his best behaviour and coming over all flirty and obsequious like he did when they had Fiona Bruce on. That, similarly, is always good for a laugh!

Monday 20 July
I've mentioned this one a few weeks back when it was first announced but Moonshot: The Flight of Apollo 11 - 10:50 ITV - despite being on ridiculously late (why?!), looks to be the highlight of the night. This is a docudrama mixing together the story of the men who undertook the historic mission to land on the moon with genuine NASA footage from Apollo 11 itself. Dramatising key moments in the years spent preparing for the mission, the film follows the astronauts as went through NASA's intense selection procedures and reveals the arduous Apollo training programme and its impact on their families and friendships. It stars the great James Marsters from Buffy (as Buzz Aldrin) and Andrew Lincoln from This Life (as Michael Collins). And it looks gorgeous. It's been made in a co-production by the History Channel and there is, apparently, a ninety-minute version that's likely to turn up over there at some stage. But, even this shortened, sixty-nine minute film is highly recommended.

Elswhere, it's a bit of a case of 'tell me why, I don't like mondays,' I guess. The students of the University of Loughborough do battle with UCL for a place in the second round of University Challenge - 8:00 BBC2. Jeremy Paxman asks the questions. And, at the same time, scares the living bejesus out of the poor students with his steel-grey killer's eyes and his frequent irritated cries of 'Come on!' Which is always one good reason for watching. I mentioned the return of Jimmy McGovern's The Street - 9:00 BBC1 - last week. In tonight's installment, the divine and wonderously tremendous Anna Friel (Brookie, Pushing Daisies) and Daniel Mays star in a new story from the critically-acclaimed anthology drama. Six months ago, Dee moved into the street in a bid to get her sons Jack and Luke into St Peter's School from the rough Denton Green, where Jack is being bullied so badly that he wets the bed. Oh, and the Supersizers - 9:00 BBC2 - were supposed to be doing ancient Rome tonight. But, because of all that stupid malarkey with the tennis, instead it's the episode we should have had two weeks ago - where they're loking at the 1950s. Which I'm happy about in one way (imagining Sue Perkins dressed as Betty Page) but gutted over in another. Sue Perkins, orgies, togas and vomitoria in the same TV show - life just can't get any better than that.

Tuesday 21 July
Some artists want lasting fame. Some want money. Others want sex. And some want all three. The Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood of the 1840 and 50s fell into the latter catagory. They wanted all of it. These ambitious young dandies were out to rock the art world with a style of painting that was - according to them - more real and heartfelt than anything seen for three hundred years. Unfortunately the stuffy old art world wasn't much interested in these Victorian-punk iconoclasts, particularly as one them hadn't even learned to paint yet! Nevertheless, the boys set out to find a muse to inspire their best work. And, before long they were squabbling over her. Dante Gabriel Rossetti, William Holman Hunt and John Millais declared their irreverent genius to the Victorian artistic establishment as frequently and as loudly as they could. Unfortunately for them, only one man seemed to be listening. Fred Walters, a shy hanger-on who ingratiated himself with the Brotherhood by locating the 'perfect model' for them – flame-haired Lizzie Siddal, a hat-shop assistant. Though none of them quite yet realised it, she would soon become the most famous woman in Britain. Written by Peter Bowker and starring Rafe Spall, Aiden Tunrer and Tom Hollander, among others, this looks from the few bits and pieces I've seen to be a bit of potential camp classic. Check out the trailer, it's fabulous!

It's another turbulant day in the lives of the staff of Holby General in Holby City - 8:00 BBC1. Who'd want to be a patient there, you have to ask? Not me that's for sure. Unwilling to hear the truth about her father, Donna hides his scans until she can get a second opinion. Meanwhile, Chrissie struggles to hide her feelings for Oliver, and Penny tries to impress Connie and Jac on the subject of Darwin.

The canine cops are back for a new series of eight episodes sniffing out drugs, guns, used bank notes or common or garden burglars in Send In the Dogs - 8:00 ITV. I'm suspecting there might also be some crotch-attacking going on too. These Spaniels and German Shepherds are more than a match for the majority of Britain's criminal community. In the first episode, Diesel the Cocker Spaniel and his handler PC Adele Gibson of the Met pay a call to a suspected crack den. Meanwhile, car thieves are the target of Sgt Pete Madden and his German Shepherd Brodie who looks a total softie by the look of him. Remember, dear blog reader, next time you see him, he'll be growling menacingly whilst holding onto the arm of some terrified suspected blagger whilst a constable with a megaphone bellows "STAY! WHERE! YOU! ARE!"

Wednesday 22 July
What a very strange basis for a reality show Wildest Dreams - 7:30 BBC1 - is. Wildlife film-making is one of the hardest jobs on earth - it normally takes years of apprenticeship before you get anywhere near filming in the Masai Mara, for instance. The BBC, therefore, has for reason chosen nine people off the streets with ordinary jobs to see if one of them has what it takes to become a wildlife film-maker. And to win the ultimate prize, a job with the BBC's Natural History Unit down in Bristol. In this episode, the hopefuls face their first challenges in the swamps of Botswana's Okavango Delta where they have to track and film elephants. Judged by experienced wildlife film-maker James Honeyborne, if any of them aren't good enough, they'll be sent straight home. Why must we have the knock-out format in every bloody TV show? Are viewers really so cruel as to be likely to switch off if somebody isn't getting - metaphorically - fed to the lions once per episode? Or, possibly, in the case of this show, literally fed to the lions? Be warned, however - it's presented by that oily bag of diarrhoea Nick Knowles which is a definite excuse not to watch it if you were looking for one before hand.

And, speaking of being fed to the lions ... tonight's visitors to the Dragons' Den - 9:00 BBC2 - will be doing what they usually do, appealing to a group of multimillionaire bully-boys (or, in the case of Deborah Meaden, bully-ladies) to investment in their crummy ideas. All will seem to be going well as one the Dragons', probably Peter Jones, will be cracking a few jokes with them. Then, without warning, Duncan Bannatyne's eyes will narrow and he'll ask some obscure question about budgeting schedules and the previously talkative contestant will suddenly go silent and become frozen stiff, like a terrified deer caught in the headlights of on-coming traffic. And then, Theo Paphitis will pounce, like a hungry velociraptor to tear the flesh from their bones. Which can be quite entertaining to be fair! Have to say, though, I can never take Dragons' Den seriously these days after Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse sent it all up so brilliantly in their last series. In tonight's episode, diving enthusiast Patrick Thirkell has an offshore Scottish mussel farm venture he hopes will be the latest addition to the Dragons' portfolios. Oscar-winning make-up artist Beverley Binda wants to launch a range of cosmetics for darker skin and corporate team-builders Bass, Tone, Slap hope to drum up support for their business by offering up probably the noisiest pitch ever heard in the Den. More a case of Bitch-Slap and Go Away, I'm guessing.

Would you believe it, but in tonight's Midsomer Murders - 8:00 ITV - the peaceful setting of prestigious Whiteoaks Golf Club is rocked by death and controversy when a golfer is bludgeoned near the notorious thirteenth hole. Because, that's so unusual for this show, isn't it? Normally, it's such a quiet, idyllic place with a murder rate that doesn't - in any way - dwarf South Central LA or Baltimore. Barnaby and Jones discover that gambling is rife at the club - along with illegal money-lending and violent assault. Then, just as the club is considering giving ordinary villagers full membership rights, another golfer is murdered. Can John Nettles put all the links together. Links ... heh. Oh, never mind.

Thursday 23 July
The anarchic, award-winning pop-quiz Never Mind the Buzzcocks - 9:30 BBC2 - returns with host Simon Amstell, team captain Phill Jupitus, guests Harry Judd of McFly, big fat Adele, Ralf Little, Tim Minchin and guest captain Mark Ronson. But, its never been the same since Bill Bailey left, frankly. However, since it's on immediately after Mock the Week and immediately before Pyshcoville, Thursday seems brighter already.

There's another episode of Five's Revealed historical documentary series on at 8:00 concerning Headshrinkers of the Amazon. Recently discovered film from the 1960s appears to show footage of a genuine headshrinking ceremony in the Amazon basin. Piers Gibbon travels to Ecuador in a bid to authenticate the film and discover its location. His journey leads him into the heart of the jungle, where he learns about the headshrinking ceremony and the culture surrounding it.

A programme that I like to mention once every few months just to remind you that it's still on and still take few prisoners is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart - 8:30 More4 - the award-winning late-night US chat show. With its satirical reports and sketches on American current affairs The Daily Show remains, comfortably, the best example of how to mix politics and comedy anywhere in the world.

And, lastly, there was a very odd piece in the Sunday Express over the weekend in which they state that Doctor Who writer Russell Davies, 'regarded by many as this country's best TV dramatist, has rocked BBC executives by announcing that he is leaving for the US.' Yeah, he is. He's going to Comic-Con and for a holiday (and, I think, to do a bit of publicity work for Julie Gardner at BBC America). That was announced months ago. The 'move,' the Express continue, is a major blow because, 'as well as revitalising Doctor Who, Davies created Torchwood [which] shifted to BBC1 from BBC2 last week, clocking up huge audiences. But there is now uncertainty over its future with its creator relocating to Hollywood.' Russell is quoted as saying, of his move: 'I haven't planned anything, all my furniture is now there and I'm just going to start writing. It will take years to get anything made out there. It's going to be difficult, so new and so brilliant. I will learn from people and bring it back here one day. It's a big adventure and a lot of fun.' Now, that does, indeed, sound like Russell talking rather than being one of those dreadful "quotes" you often see in newspapers which you just know has been made up by a journalist. But, I have to be honest, although my own dealings with Rusty amounts - and this is beyond-sad, I know - to once passing him a vodka and orange across a bar at a Virgin writers event (true story!) I do know a lot of people close to him. And, I have to say this is, apparently, the first that most of them have heard about this 'move.' So ... watch this space for further developments. The report also says that 'Asked about the future of Torchwood, a BBC spokeswoman said: "It's his show but it's too early to say whether it will return. We will look closely at all of the ratings."' Which, again, we kind of knew anyway. So, that's be another non-story, then? Yesterday's 'news' is tomorrow's fish and chip paper.

I Deal In Abstracts

2009-07-12T14:20:00.012Z

Let's have a Sunday update for a change. And we start with a bit of good news - in fact, some of the best and most welcome Top Telly News that Keith Telly Topping has had the pleasure to bring you, dear blog readers, in ages. The BBC have - rather unexpectedly - commissioned a sixth season of their cult sitcom Ideal. The show's creator, and co-star, Graham Duff is currently in the process of writing the new eight-part series which will be filmed later in the year and episodes are likely to premier on BBC3 in the spring of 2010 with a BBC2 repeat to follow. Johnny Vegas returns in the central role as the scruffy-but-vulnerable Moz, who was last seen about to go on the run from the police. 'Series six promises to take the show into dark and hilarious new territory, with its unique combination of humour, menace and the unexpected,' according to the BBC's press release. And, for once, that's likely to be a genuine and accurate description of the series rather than some crass media hype written by someone who's never even seen an episode. One of British TV's best kept secrets, Ideal is, if you've never seen it before, a beautifully constructed absurdist sitcom about a small-time dope dealer (Vegas) living on a scummy Manchester estate. More precisely, it's about the parade of weirdos, losers, psychopathic murderers and other detritus of society who use his flat as a kind of local community centre. Their number includes bent copper PC (Tom Goodman-Hill), dim-witted teenage child-minder Jenny (the quite astonishing Sinead Matthews), camp-as-Butlins Brian (Duff himself), useless boastful DJ Kuldip (Ronny Jhutti), third division indie band Silicon Valets, neighbourhood necrophiliac Judith (Joanna Neary) and the constantly 'on probation' career petty criminal Colin (Ben Crompton). There's also the series' most iconic and memorable character, the silent hitman-with-a-permenant-mask Cartoon Head (David Sant), Moz's mental 'old skool raver' brother Troy (Tony Burgess) who lives in the airing cupboard and their stepfather, Keith (Mick Miller), sinister gangland boss Stemroach (David Bradley), boring allotment owner Derrick (my old radio oppo and occasional writing partner Alfie Joey) and Moz's long-suffering, if rather less-than-faithful, Welsh girlfriend Nikki (Nicholas Reynolds). Add in the screwdriver-wielding local street thug Psycho Paul (Ryan Pope) - think Liam Gallagher if Oasis had never got out of Burnage! - two members of a Japanese girly pop band, a smattering of Triad gangsters, a lunatic born-again Christian who believes a man he once almost drowned in a water tank is the Messiah and a next door neighbour who constantly dresses in a ski mask and used to be a vicar and you've got the full galley of life's oddities that populate the Ideal universe. It's a bewillderingly funny show dealing with some very dark subject matter but often in a surreally abstract fashion. Ideal is challenging, morally ambiguous, deliciously un-selfconscious and has a core of really rather profound humanity at its centre that can be both touching and, occasionally, heart-warming. Kind of like Shameless but with far better jokes. I'm really pleased that it's going to be back on our screens.

The ONE Show's Hardeep Singh Kohli has been dropped by the early evening magazine show following a complaint of inappropriate behaviour from a female colleague, the BBC has confirmed. Comedian and writer Kohli will take six months away from the show. The BBC said producers received an informal complaint from a production colleague several months ago. Kohli has since 'apologised unreservedly.' A BBC spokesperson said the unnamed woman had 'acknowledged that ONE Show management took the issue extremely seriously. He was reprimanded and immediately apologised. He agreed to take some time away from the show to reflect on his behaviour.' Glaswegian Kohli, who played a roving reporter role for the show, said in a statement: 'Nobody has accused me of sexual harassment. I recognise I overstepped the mark.'

Former BBC broadcaster and presenter Donald MacCormick has died of a heart attack, aged seventy. The Scot anchored current affairs show Newsnight throughout the 1980s along with John Tusa and Peter Snow. He also worked on several other BBC flagship programmes including Question Time, The Money Programme, Tonight, Newsweek and BBC World. Mr Tusa said that his formwer colleague was 'professional, generous and selfless' and provided 'a perfect foil to both Peter and me.'

Thunderbirds creator Gerry Anderson has claimed that ITV is blocking his plans to resurrect the show. The eighty-year-old producer is believed to have been in negotiations with the broadcaster, which owns the rights to the programme, for more than three years - but none of the talks have come to fruition. 'It's madness. Everyone loves Thunderbirds - the bloody audience is out there waiting,' Anderson told the Daily Mail. 'What the hell is the matter with these people that they won't let me make it? It's beyond my understanding. Is it ageism? I even said I'd raise the money myself, for God's sake. I don't want you to think I'm over-emotional, but being able to remake Thunderbirds is the most important thing in my life.' Perhaps there were strings attached. Sorry. Anderson continued: 'I'd keep the same characters, the same principles - good overcoming evil - but new machines, new places of concealment, new ways of rescuing people and it'd all be computer-generated. Just imagine. It'd be so nice if the team could actually walk and pick things up and open and close their mouths properly.' Anderson also revealed that he was shocked by the quality of the 2004 movie remake, describing it as 'utter crap!'

Hugo Speer has encouraged ITV to keep Taggart on the air following rumours that it is facing the axe. The actor, who recently filmed a guest appearance on the programme, claimed that the long-running drama must not become another casualty of the broadcaster's budget cuts. Speaking to the Daily Record, Speer commented: 'I really hope they don't bring it to an end. I did Heartbeat recently, and that's been going for ages. That's been cut now too. Everything is being cut back, all these big old long-running series are falling away. I would hope that Taggart isn't one of them. As with all decent, good quality drama like Taggart, if you have the formula in place, it helps to keep this business ticking over. I remember watching Taggart when I was a kid in the days when Mark McManus was doing it. It's always been really high quality.' So, it's obviously all your fault, Hugo. For God sake, don't go near any more shows and get them cancelled.

Fandom - A Place Of Some Saints, Many Sinners And A Few Snakes

2009-07-11T09:59:00.014Z

Torchwood: Children of Earth ended last night with another audience of just under six million (5.8m, audience share 26.7%) having done what, frankly, even I never expected it to; held the majority of its audience across an entire week on BBC1 whilst providing, in dramatic terms, one of the - genuine - TV highlights of the year. And this, remember, from a Doctor Who spin-off! Remarkable. So, everyone was happy. Well, not happy, per se, the last couple of episodes in particular were as grimly harrowing and distressing as Schindler's List. And just as brilliant. A necessary reminder, perhaps, that not all stories have happy endings - we know this to be true. One of the correspondants on my Gallifrey Base thread noted that he's spent four hours in a darkened room listening to Joy Division that have been "happy-happy-joy-joy" compared to episode five of Torchwood. If that is, indeed, the end of Torchwood - and the conclusion was ambiguous enough to leave the way open for a fourth series if commissioned by the Beeb, but had enough elements of closure to satisfy most of the audience if they don't - then it was, genuinely, 'going out with a bang.' Sometimes you need drama like that - whether you want, or even deserve it or not. However, in the midst of all this celebration, something rather dark cast an unwanted shadow over the last two days of the week. Thursday's episode, in which the popular character of Ianto Jones was killed, caused something of a reaction among a small - but vocal - element of Torchwood fandom. They went off-it, basically. I mean, full-on, pouty-stroppy-drama-queen off-it. I suspect a lot of these people - particularly those on the LiveJournal network - don't really watch Doctor Who all that much. Or, if they do, then it's purely because of that show's connection to Torchwood rather than the other way around. This is possibly quite hard for many of us longer-term Doctor Who fans to realise but there is, actually, a very distinct side-branch of fandom that exists completely seperate to the main Doctor Who/Torchwood one. It's mainly online, it's mainly - although not exclusively - female, it's predominantly - although, again, not exclusively - American and those who are part of it are mainly interested in Jack and Ianto (Jack and Ianto together, specifically). Most of you, dear blog readers, won't have a clue what I'm talking about if I start dropping in terms like 'squeer', 'slasher' and 'shipper' at this point so, don't worry about it over much. Just know that some people watch their favourite TV shows and then like to take the characters in these shows off into their own world of fan-fiction. No problem with that, lots of us do it, even if only in our heads. Many of the Doctor Who novel authors, myself included, started off in fan-fiction and I have a lot of time for the genre personally. The point is that many 'shippers - fans who like to watch the show because of a particular relationship between two characters (not, necessarily a sexual one, often it's just a friendship) - do tend to be a bit ... How can I put this without sounding horribly judgemental? Insistent (even propriotorial) that these relationships be resepcted by the show in question, I think is the nicest way of phrasing it. A lot of these fans came to Torchwood fandom from those of other series, like some of the fringes of Buffy and Angel fandom, for instance, or Stargate. So, therefore, unlike many of us they're not as familiar with the concept of members of a show's central cast leaving on a reasonably regular basis. Last night I was talking to a friend of mine about this who was saying exactly what I imagine a lot of Doctor Who fans were when they first heard about the rising tide of outrage - 'what's the fuss about, people leave our show all the time?'

This is important to understand because, whilst the kind of sackcloth and ashes malarkey that Thursday and Friday brought to parts of the Interweb isn't something we've seen that much of previously in Doctor Who fandom (at least, not over a character being killed off), lots of it goes on in other fandoms. A feeling appears to exist that because some fans have 'an investment' in a particular character or a relationship between two characters that, somehow, they have an exclusive right to have that investment repaid by the writers and producers 'not messing with it.' And woe betide any producer, writer or actor who dares to think otherwise. I think that's all rather silly and immature, personally - but then, so (undeniably) is being a TV fan in the first place. And we're all guilty of that so none of us are in any position to throw stones. Who died and made us King of the World? However, some of the stuff that I saw directed towards poor James Moran on his blog yesterday (regarding aspects of an episode that he didn't even write, incidentally) was quite simply, sick. There is a point, and we all have to acknowledge this, where 'being a fan of something' turns into 'being an obsessed nutter about something.' It's a risk we all in TV fandom struggle with, daily. And, sad to report, that line was unquestionably crossed by some individuals over the last forty eight hours.

I saw some ridiculous things said by folks who are, I'm sure, normally perfectly sensible and rational. I saw somebody actually accuse Russell Davies of 'homophobia.' Seriously! I read that with my own eyes. And, after I'd spent five minutes laughing at the idea that Britain's most prominent gay writer could be accused of such a thing, I moved on to the next example of sage wisdom from the more deranged corners of naked obsession. A useful round up of some of the more outrageous examples can be found here. This one is particularly good if you're looking for an excuse to feel morally superior to others. Ultimately, what it all meant was that perhaps as many as a couple of hundred angry Torchwood fangirls (mostly fangirls - I don't want this to be seen as being in any way sexist, I'm sure there were some guys in there too) were in a big, overly-dramatic strop for a couple of days - and probably still are if a few posts on the rant-the-episode thread on Gallifrey Base are anything to go by. Yesterday, they were threatening all manner of dire and terrible retribution. Like 'stopping watching the show,' for instance. Fair enough - it's a free country, and all that. I'm positive that the BBC, Russell, the actors, and indeed mainstream Doctor Who/Torchwood fandom will manage to struggle along without them. What it will also mean - in the longer term - is that a portion of what had so far been a rather marginalised and obscure branch of Torchwood online fandom will now, like as not, spend the rest of eternity bemoaning, loudly, to anyone that will listen (and, frankly, anyone that won't) about how Russell-James-Barrowman-Gareth-other fans-somebody-delete-as-applicable 'killed my Ianto.' Just like there are still ladies, now somewhat getting on in years, who continue to take up vast megsnots of bandwidth in certain corners of the Interweb sticking metaphorical pins in effigy's of Joss Whedon because he did something 'bad' to their Angel-Spike-Angel-and-Spike/Willow-Tara-Willow-and-Tara. Etc. Or, the notorious SG-1 fandom 'we want our Daniel back' campaign. That was equally embarrassing and equally, in places, disturbing - death threats, boycott campaigns and so on. It's sad (old sense) isn't it? When you get something as ephemeral and as a fictional character leaving a TV drama becoming so unpleasant. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. Same as it ever was. It's not pretty but, cruelly, it is sometimes quite entertaining to watch from the outside. Do not, however - do not, do not, do not - become involved. Because you're only asking for a lot of grief in the long run. There have been times in the past where I've been saddened or angered by the fandoms that I've - in theory at least - been a part of and their actions. Not infrequently either. There haven't been many occasions, however, where I've actually been ashamed to call myself a member of a particular fandom. That happened on Friday ... and it wasn't very nice.

If there is a fourth series of Torchwood - which there may or may not be, it's up to the BBC to make a decision on that - then, I'm guessing many of these angry individuals will, despite what they're currently saying, be back along with it. And, some of them will have got over the issue. Others, I know from experience, will not and, as a consequence, will have become bitter, angry commentators on how wretched the latest episode was/is and how it was all so much better when Ianto was not dead. To be fair, we've got plenty of those sort of characters over in Doctor Who fandom too - and, Tom Baker didn't even have to die to get on their collective bell-end. So, again, casting stones - not really a good idea. No one is innocent. Right, that's television fandom sorted for the next millennia. Next, Keith Telly Topping solves the Middle East crisis...

TV presenter and professional Geordie Wor Jungle Jayne Middlemiss has been named the winner of this year's Celebrity Masterchef. Gotta say, however, being a professional Geordie myself, it's far better than being an amateur one. My thanks to professional Scouse playwrite Alun Owen for that joke. The thirty eight-year-old, from Bedlington, beat Olympic athlete Iwan Thomas and former Coronation Street actress Wendi Peters in the final. It's so nice to see that, unlike just about everybody else involved in Celebrity Wrestling, Iwan's career hasn't gone completely down the netty. And, I loved the look of his prawn chilli soup, too. Might try that one myself, tonight. Jayne said taking part in the BBC1 show was 'a truly incredible experience' and that winning had helped her realise her 'passion for cooking.' She then burst into tears as she had done approximately once every five minutes during the previous dozen episodes. Judge John Torode said: 'Jayne is a natural cook. She has complete understanding of modern food. Jayne really pulled it out of the bag and is a deserving winner.' Fellow judge Gregg Wallace added 'Jayne truly understands what it takes to make great food.' After hearing the news, Middlesmiss, a former presenter of Top Of The Pops, said: 'It's so exciting to be crowned MasterChef Champion. I hope this is just the start of my culinary journey.' There was probably some bubbling in there as well, I'm guessing.

Strictly Come Dancing's Len Goodman has said he is 'sad' about Arlene Phillips' departure as a fellow judge. Choreographer Phillips, is being replaced by former Strictly winner and pop star Alesha Dixon, thirty six years her junior. 'It sort of changes the whole dynamic of the panel maybe, which is a little bit scary,' Goodman told The Stage. 'I hope the BBC are not trying to introduce a younger audience.' Well, you could always walk out in sympathy if you're that unhappy about it, Len. It would mean you losing a lot of money, of course, but you're a man of principle, I'm sure. The BBC has denied claims that Phillips had been dropped because of her age. 'I would imagine the show attracts an older audience to what you get on The X Factor,' said Goodman. 'I hope it does not affect the fan base.' Time will tell. It usually does in such matters.

Are You An ABC1? A C2DE? Or Another Example Of Media-Bollock-Speak Entirely?

2009-07-10T13:59:00.012Z

Torchwood's Eve Myles has landed a role in a new BBC1 drama. The actress - Gwen Cooper in the popular Doctor Who spin-off - will star alongside Waking The Dead's Trevor Eve in the family drama, Framed. Adapted from Frank Cottrell Boyce's best-selling children's novel, this concerns the storing of the nation's art treasures in an abandoned Welsh slate mine during the Second World War and the friendship which develops between the curator and a local boy. Framed is expected to air later this year. I imagine the BBC will be looking to put it in the Lark Rise to Candleford Sunday family-drama slot. I'm really looking forward to that one, I read the novel on holiday last summer and it's genuinely charming. I mean, 'like Carrie's War charming.'

And, it was yet another night of celebration for all at BBC Wales and Upper Boat (and, indeed, Gallifrey Base - well, most of us anyway) as episode four of Torchwood: Children of Earth scored an impressive 6.2 million viewers. Celebration apart, that is, for the sad death of poor Ianto (Gareth David-Lloyd) who copped it in his beloved Cap'n Jack's arms, the victim of an alien virus. Torchie has been for the last four nights, quite simply, the best bit of sustained drama that the BBC has produced this year. Yes, even better than Occupation. It won't win any BAFTA's because genre-shows seldom do. But it should. It's a story that mixes elements of John Wyndham, The X-Files, House of Cards-style political intrique and Sophie's Choice, beautifully acted by both the regulars and the extraordinary guest cast (Peter Capaldi, Peter Copley, Nicholas Farrell, Lucy Cohu, Colin McFarlane). It's been water-cooler TV and is, hopefully, a final nail in the coffin for this ridiculous notion that Science Fiction can't be a popular cross-over hit with 'normal viewers.' It can be, if it's GOOD Science Fiction, written with style and elegence (as this has been, by Russell Davies, John Fay and my old mate James Moran) and directed with panache (Euros Lyn at his finest). Whether we'll get a fourth series of Torchwood, I don't know - that rather depends on the BBC. But, if we don't I'd be interested to know what they've got lined-up for next year that's going to be anywhere near as good - or as commerically successful - as this has been.

More good news. I got confirmation earlier this week that a new series of one of my favourite non-fiction shows, Time Time - their seventeenth - is currently in production over the summer and will be screened, as usual, early in the new year on Channel 4. Excellent. Same format as always, thirteen episodes and a couple of specials, I believe.

BBC1 controller Jay Hunt has admitted Totally Saturday has 'not worked' – even though the corporation refused to confirm or deny whether the Graham Norton-fronted light entertainment show is being axed. Speaking at the BBC1 autumn season launch, yesterday, Hunt insisted 'I was very clear when I took this job that if we really were going to do something about reaching new audiences, then we must take risks,' she said. 'We've had a lot of success [but] along the way we’ve had some disappointments, and Totally Saturday was not as good as it should be. The interesting thing about that show is that the feedback from viewers on Graham has been consistently extremely strong. It hasn't quite worked in terms of huge volume audiences coming to it, but it has delivered a different sort of audience to BBC1. It has been popular with C2DE viewers who we traditionally struggle to bring to the channel, so it was a risk worth taking, even if it didn't quite come off.' Okay, can we pause Jay for a second there to ask a very simple qustion; fer Christ's sake, why does EVERYBODY in the TV industry talk this annoyingly crass media-bollock-speak? 'C2DE'?! I am not a number - or a letter, for that matter - Jay, I'm actually a person. Just say 'people on council estates,' love, we'll understand what you mean! I'm also not sure that I'd personally be loudly celebrating the acquistion of 'viewers who we traditionally struggle to bring to the channel' as a sub-group. Since, if the rest of what she's saying with regard to Totally Saturday is accurate (and I think it's fair to say it is) then, by and large this would appear to be a small and very undemanding viewership. Is that really one that the BBC wants? Anyway, last weekend saw a flurry of media reports that the show had been axed before the end of the series, after Saturday's episode pulled in just over two million viewers. The show was even outstripped - oh, the shame of it - by an ITV repeat of Stephen Mulhern's Animals Do The Funniest Things. But, the corporation argued that it was 'too early to say whether the series will return.' The show's poor performance comes as a blow to BBC1, which last month announced plans to make Norton one of its major faces alongside Jonathan Ross. Hunt did not mention Norton at all in her introduction to the BBC1 autumn entertainment showreel - which included such prestige productions as the forthcoming Doctor Who special Waters of Mars - and the chatshow host only appeared in it for a few seconds – sparking speculation that he had slipped down the BBC1 priority list. However, Hunt said: 'To be honest lots of things weren't mentioned. Graham appeared in the light entertainment showreel and I'm incredibly proud to have him on the channel. As you know his chatshow moves across to BBC1 in the autumn as well and that will be a big moment.' Right, so getting back to this 'C2DE's nonsense, I have something quite shocking to report to the BBC. 'People on council estates' do, actually, watch BBC shows. Lots of them. They watch EastEnders and Doctor Who. They watch Spooks, Waking the Dead and New Tricks. They watch Have I Got News For You, Mock the Week and Top Gear. They watch My Family and Outnumbered. They've been watching Torchwood and Masterchef avidly all this week, you might've noticed. They watch Panorama, Newsnight and Question Time and some of them even watch Qi and University Challenge. Difficult as it might be for some people at an executive level in the BBC to grasp there are, actually, people in Great Britain who aren't twenty nine year old media consultants who read the Independent and live in Islington yet still have a brain in their head. The reason why, by and large, these people don't watch a lot of television shows - that both the BBC and others produce - is that they are, quite frankly, shite. Produce some shows that aren't shite (like those on the above list, for instance, and many other) and audiences will watch them. I mean, in commercial television I can see a justification for chasing specific demographics - it's to do with advertising. It's not pretty and it's not very artistically valid but it is understandable. But THE BBC?! I always thought the BBC's unspoken motto was to get everybody watching the same thing at the same time, no matter where they are, what they do for a living or how the pronounce the word "grass"? Ironically, this comes just days after ITV have themselves announced that they've decided not to chase certain demographics anymore. ITV ahead of the game? Pass the smelling salts.

Prima ballerina Darcy Bussell is to join Alesha Dixon on the judging panel of Strictly Come Dancing after the BBC finally confirmed yesterday that Arlene Philips is to step down. Jay Hunt confirmed widespread newspaper reports that Philips, who has been a judge since the launch of Strictly in 2004, will be replaced by former contestant Dixon when the new series airs this autumn – but denied allegations of ageism. Hunt said: 'Hand on heart,' (that's always a good start!) 'it's genuinely not about age. We looked at an array of programmes and where they need a refresh.' She noted that on Watchdog, the 'refresh' had seen a thirty-year old presenter replaced with Anne Robinson, who is sixty, and that Philips is moving to The ONE Show – ensuring she still has a prominent position on the channel. And, Keith Telly Topping is certainly that this is exactly how Arlene herself saw it. Television with a smile and a stab. Perhaps it's time to have a reality TV show in which the viewers get to vote on which of the judges they want to keep rather than the acts? Might be more entertaining that way.

ITV could charge viewers to watch Britain's Got Talent clips online as early as next year in a bid to boost revenues. In an interview with BBC 5Live, ITV's chairman Michael Grade said that he hoped to introduce a micro-payments system for clips in the 'medium term' and indicated such a scheme could be in place for the 2010 series. Grade said the plan would work in a similar way to applications on a mobile phone, with viewers charged to watch a clip. 'I think that would work extremely well for us,' he said. Grade expressed confidence that online clips could be commercially lucrative. He said: 'We're all going to crack it, either when the advertising market recovers or [through a combination of] advertising and what we call micro-payments which is like 50p a time, or 25p.' Grade added that the money made from the scheme would help ITV maintain its annual programming budget of £800m-£900m.

Katie Price reportedly burst into tears during the recording of her television interview with Piers Morgan earlier this week. The glamour model sobbed during the dialogue about the break-up of her marriage to Peter Andre, the Mirror alleges. A source said: 'Katie is fed up with the public backlash against her. Unfortunately though, her version of events is rather different to Pete's.' According to the Sun, Price told Morgan: 'It was all down to Pete, he wanted this, not me. He's not as innocent as he's been making out.' Andre's lawyers have reportedly been sent a copy of the interview before it airs this Saturday and are said to be in discussions with ITV regarding what can and can't be included in the broadcast. So there you have it, dear blog reader, you've heard the only thing that anyone could possibly want to watch this tawdry and wretched excuse for a television spectacle for. That's, hopefully, saved you the trouble of watching it. Consider it my public service to you.

The Dogs & The Horses

2009-07-09T15:44:00.007Z

So, dear blog reader, for the second day running we start what is - allegedly - a TV blog with a football-related short. It happens. My old mate Mad Mickey Edmondson is currently in the process of writing a book of reminiscences on Newcastle United's decade of mass indifference (that was the 1980s, essentially, if you weren't there). Full details can be found here. Thus, if anyone has any memories of that riot at Oldham when Terry McDermott and Steve Carney got sent-off, almost getting killed in that Hillsbrough-style crush at Barnsley in '82, Kenny Wharton sitting on the ball against Luton, Beardsley's 'will he walk it in?' goal at Portsmouth, actually seeing Frankie Pingel score or watching in horror as kids got sparked and all sorts at the Boro (that last one was an annual occurance, to be honest), then please do give Mick a shout. Hopefully it'll include the story of Mickey himself telling an entire supporters club bus on the way back from Carlisle about how Keegan was 'finished!'

Thank you for your kind indulgence, we now return you to your scheduled programmes.

ITV is set to cement Piers Morgan, Martin Clunes and Joanna Lumley as three key faces of its factual output with a series of travel-themed shows for 2010. Doc Martin star Clunes will follow his A Man And His Dogs by fronting Horsepower, a two-part travelogue exploring the history of man's relationship with horses. The actor, who owns seven horses himself, will journey from Aintree to Outer Mongolia to uncover the social and industrial roles that horses have played. Yeah, that sounds okay. Meanwhile, the Goddess that walks the Earth that is Joanna Lumley will travel the length of the River Nile from its mouth on the beaches of the Mediterranean to its remote reaches in the highlands of Uganda. Tiger Aspect's Jewel of the Nile follows ITV Studios' previously announced two-parter Joanna Lumley: Cat Woman. Sadly, after two promising ideas they went and spoiled it as vile, full of himself egotist Morgan will follow previous shows visiting Dubai, Monaco and Los Angeles by heading to Shanghai, Las Vegas and Marbella. The films will again appear under the banner Piers Morgan On… and will be produced by Splash Media. Any chance we could possibly have Piers Morgan On ... Fire Splash? Pity. The commissions were all made by ITV director of factual and daytime Alison Sharman.

Sky 1 has signed its first golden handcuffs deal with Ross Kemp, who will front twelve hour-long programmes over the next two years. Under the terms of the deal, Kemp will make six programmes each year but will not be tied to Tiger Aspect, which made Ross Kemp on Gangs, Ross Kemp in Afghanistan and Ross Kemp In Search of Pirates. No shows have yet been greenlit or even formally put into development, but a Sky spokesman confirmed that the channel would use Kemp in 'extreme' programming in a similar vein to shows he has fronted in the past. They said: 'The idea [for the golden handcuffs deal] came about once Ross Kemp in Search of Pirates came to an end. The show was a big success but there were no others in the pipeline. Both Sky and Kemp were keen to work together again.' Sky's director of programmes Stuart Murphy said: 'In an era of often bland and stuffy current affairs reporting, Ross brings colour, passion and insight, and opens the stories first to millions of viewers.'

Britain's Got Talent producers were too slow to give Hollie Steel a second chance, and closed in on her crying face in a voyeuristic way, industry figures have claimed according to an article in Broadcast. BBC Children head of news and factual Ream Nouss, who has just completed a year's secondment to BGT producer Talkback Thames, told the Showcomotion conference: 'I found the close-up of the kid crying ... uncomfortable. In live TV, you have to make the quickest, sharpest decision.' Laura Mansfield, creative director of House of Tiny Tearaways producer Outline Productions, added: 'They should have given her another go straight away. All the kerfuffle is what raised questions.' However, Love Productions creative director Richard McKerrow said TV industry culture was to blame. 'Some [in the entertainment sector] don't think they're part of factual television and regard contributors as actors,' he said. BBC Children’s controller Richard Deverell added: 'The Ofcom code is very clear that programmes should never cause a child emotional or physical distress. That child was clearly very distressed.'

On a related note, four leading figures in children's TV drama have rounded on the BBC for 'neglecting' young teens - with a former CBBC drama chief claiming it has 'lost its bottle' for gritty issues. Kindle Entertainment director Anne Brogan, Lime Pictures creative director Tony Wood, former Byker Grove exec Ed Pugh and RDF Media head of children's drama Elaine Sperber all slammed the corporation at the Showcomotion event - arguing it was ducking its duty to serve all audiences. They said twelve to sixteen-year-olds had 'fallen between two stools' ever since the BBC redefined CBBC as a service for six to twelve-year-olds - and that multiplatform teen service Switch was hard to find. Sperber, who spent six years as head of CBBC drama, said: 'All the teen dramas we talk about are on Channel 4. CBBC has lost the bottle for making a big children's [drama] that deals with contemporary issues. Where's the Skins? The BBC just stopped, in the mix of axing Grange Hill and Byker Grove.' Brogan, who is currently producing a 'modern-day Cinderella' drama for CBBC, said: 'The BBC is absolutely neglecting its audience.'

Over to the US now and Fox has delayed the season two premiere of Dollhouse, starring the divine Eliza Dushku, it has been reported. After initially announcing that the second season would premiere on Friday, 18 September, it has now emerged that the show will return the following Friday. Creator and shoerunner Joss Whedon was forced to rewrite the pilot episode after Fox stepped in with 'different ideas' about what the tone of the show should be.

Ofcom has received almost three hundred complaints about Big Brother in the past week, with the majority about an incident broadcast on Friday in which one of the housemates threatened another. This series of the Channel 4 reality show has been the lowest-rating of any of the ten series so far and has been relatively quiet in publicity terms, but Ofcom today said it had received twenty hundred and ninety complaints about a variety of issues connected to the show in the week up to Monday 6 July. The largest proportion of more than two hundred were about an argument between housemates Marcus Akin and Sree Dasari, which occurred on Thursday. Tensions had been building between the two, with the pair erupting into a shouting match in which Akin made a verbal threat to Dasari. He was called to the diary room, where he was given a formal warning about his behaviour.

Big Quiffed movie critic Mark Kermode and 5Live DJ Simon Mayo are to adapt their BBC podcasts for TV as a segment within BBC2's new-look The Culture Show. The Screening Room will be a weekly part of the show that will for the first time bring visuals to the pair's sparring over the movie world. If it's successful, The Culture Show producer Eddie Morgan is eyeing it up as a potential stand-alone show that could air in an extended cut. The TV version will bring their movie discussions to an invited audience - who will be asked to join in the debate - and will also feature film clips. Mayo will chair, giving Kermode free rein to tackle his pet loves and loathes at length. Rather than focusing on the latest cinema and DVD releases, the item, which will run for ten to fifteen minutes, will look at a different genre each episode. The Screening Room launches next week with movies set in schools. The pair have recorded four debates so far at The Roxy in London. Other themes under debate include summer blockbusters and films about musicians.

UKTV will enter a new era this summer after signing a landmark deal giving it access to almost two hundred hours of Channel 4 content. The multimillion-pound, two-year deal will give UKTV's newly rebranded channels access to shows such as Green Wing, cutting their reliance on BBC archive content and strengthening UKTV's position in the pay-TV market. It also illustrates the potential for a formal tie-up between C4 and UKTV's co-owner, BBC Worldwide. The content will air across four of the new-look channels - Watch, G.O.L.D, Dave and Yesterday - giving a major boost to output. Dave, for example, will be able to air comedy shows such as Star Stories and Smack the Pony alongside their popular favourites Top Gear, QI and Have I Got News For You while Yesterday will show Peter Kosminky's drama The Government Inspector.

Where Phileas Fogg and Michael Palin went first, so Frank Skinner, John Barrowman and Mylene Klass are set to follow. They are among six teams of celebrities who are to go around the world in eighty days in a fresh take on the epic voyage. Respecting the heritage of Fogg and Palin, the modern travellers, who will be raising money for Children in Need as part of the challenge, will not be allowed to use planes, although any other means of transport, from camels to Bullet trains, will be acceptable. On Children In Need Night in November the celebrities, who also include Shane Richie, Josie Lawrence, Lee Mack, and Saira Khan and The Apprentice's Nick Hewer, will head for the BBC studios to find out just how much they have raised. Around the World in Eighty Days is just one of the highlights of BBC1's autumn season, which was unveiled today. Children in Need is also the focus of another new programme initiative: to launch the 2009 appeal a concert will be staged at the Royal Hall Albert Hall put together by Gary Barlow, featuring Take That and 'a host of rock and pop's finest.' Full details will be announced in the autumn. There will be more song and dance in Strictly Come Dancing, returning for a seventh series, with Alesha Dixon on the panel replacing the sacked Arlene Phillips in, quite frankly, the worst kept secret in showbusiness history. On the more serious side, there will be a look at some of the most influential artists of our time with a four part series that makes the claim that Picasso, Dali Matisse and Warhol are 'modern masters.' 'I am passionate about ensuring BBC1 reaches the widest possible audience,' said BBC controller Jay Hunt who introduced the new season. 'By taking creative risks that surprise and entertain I believe this autumn's line up of shows will do just that.'

ITV has effectively handed a commissioning tick to its business affairs team by insisting that commissioners prove a programme's business worth as well as its creative merit. Commissioners must now demonstrate the return on investment [ROI] of potential orders to ITV channels commercial director Jonathan Rogers, as well as winning the usual creative seal of approval from director of programmes Peter Fincham. The system has been ramped up since it was introduced by director of corporate development and strategy Carolyn Fairbairn last autumn, and now sits at the heart of the commissioning process. An ITV source said: 'There has always been someone calculating the money spent per bum on seat, but it's only in recent months that it's been used to rule on whether or not something should get commissioned. The ROI conversations are becoming much more pivotal than they ever were.' The source added: 'The [initiative] was driven through by business affairs and by the board who said we were putting too much on the channels that was too high risk, that we needed a different business model. This is a more scientific way of doing things.' However, ITV director of programmes Peter Fincham can still push through commissions he believes in, if he can convince the board they are key to keeping talent or boosting the ITV brand. 'He is the first among equals,' one source said.

Cricket, Lovely Cricket

2009-07-08T17:34:00.005Z

The Ashes started again yesterday, you might've noticed. Very good first day, I thought. Australia's opening session, England's second and then, probably honours just about even in the third (although losing those two late wickets after Matty Prior and Freddie Flintoff had just looked to be getting England towards a formidable total was unfortunate). Looks like a four hundred pitch so, 337 for 7 seems just about right, I guess. This lot of Australians look lean and hungry and have some real quality about them (Mitch Johnson looks a handful, the ball he got Bopara out with was a beaut) but they don't seem quite as terrifying as they have in some recent tours (no Shaney, for a kick-off). I think this is going to be a mad-close series. But, anyway, it's great to have it back and to stop me from doing any work in the afternoons - the smack of leather on willow, Test Match Special and 'Soul Limbo', Bumble and Mikey on Sky, the men in the baggy green caps, Pietersen playing like a God and then getting out to the stupidest shot you've seen since the last time he got carried away. It was, dear blog reader, watching Dennis Lillie bowl to Tony Greig in 1972 at Old Trafford as a thrilled eight year old that first awakened the cricket-lover in me. There's something about The Ashes that sets it apart from just about every other sporting event in the world. A game of patience and skill; of individial technique verses individual technique within the framework of a team contest; a sports where you have to have an attention span of longer than seven seconds and one where you can play for five days and still not end up with a positive result! No wonder the Americans just don't get it! Therefore, this summer, I shall be mostly watching cricket.

John Barrowman's Arse More Popular Than Some Dead Pop Star. Official.

2009-07-08T12:44:00.012Z

I'd like to start today's blog with something which is a bit off-topic to From The North's usual raison d'être. So I hope that my TV readers will bear with me for a moment of beautiful game-related self-indulgence, it won't take very long. As some of you may be aware a footballer (or, at least, an alleged one) named Michael Owen used to play (or, at least, occasionally turned-out) for my team, Newcastle United. We paid him a lot of money - and I mean A LOT - reportedly one hundred and twenty thousand pounds per week over a four year period. A era during which Owen started just one in every three-and-a-half games for the club, being "injured" the rest of the time. It was pointed out, not infrequently, by some sections of Newcastle's fanbase that had Mr Owen been one of the several racehorses which he owns, he'd've probably been put down years ago. Anyway, at the end of the season just finished, Mr Owen's contract finally ran out and he was off, faster than he'd ever moved at Newcastle. After some weeks of speculation as to where he would end up, he's now managed to get himself a move to Manchester United. Normally, I wouldn't even bother to comment, save for perhaps a wry passing observation that never have a player and team deserved each other more than this. But, having read his first interview at his new club, I now feel somewhat differently. 'I probably had a poor spell up at Newcastle,' he noted, in passing, before moving on to other subjects. So, that's it is it? That's the last four years of my life summed up in nine words. That's somewhere in the region of six and a quarter million quid in basic wages justified? Not a single solitary word of apology or regret to the fifty thousand mugs who paid the vast majority of those wages on a weekly basis. Not a trace of an 'I'm sorry I helped to get you guys relegated.' Nothing. Just 'a poor spell.' It's been reported, elsewhere, that Owen is alleged to have remarked that he felt he was 'treated like a criminal,' at Newcastle for being injured so often. I'm not sure whether any of my fellow fans regard things like going missing action every time the opposition got the slightest bit tough or, just for instance, developing a sudden groin strain on the morning of a must-win game against Fulham a week before the end of last season as 'criminal' per se. Some may regard it as downright cowardly and immoral. I couldn't possibly comment on that. Except that were, say, some klodhopping defender with, I dunno Stoke for instance, to miss-time a tackle during a game next season and break Mr Owen's leg clean in two I would, I'm forced to admit, struggle to find it in my heart to feel much sympathy for him. And there genuinely aren't many footballers, past or present, that I could honestly say that about. The Little **** has gone to The Scum. It seems fitting, somehow. Oh, and one last thing for any Man United supporters who may happen to be reading this. Note how, within hours of arriving at his new club, Mr Owen was suddenly briefing journalists about his hopes to soon get back into the England squad. I think you Red Devils might find - as Liverpool, Real Madrid and, particularly, Newcastle fans have previously - that, when it comes to his international career, actually playing for his club side comes a very poor second. Bye, Michael. Hope we didn't inconvenience you too much.

Football, eh? It's a funny old game. Particularly when you're on over a hundred grand a week.

Right, back to the telly and some news that has Keith Telly Topping coming over all aflutter. That lovely, gorgeously stunning vision of minxy loveliness Hayden Panettiere will apparently become involved in a lesbian storyline on the upcoming season of Heroes, it has been widely reported in the US genre press. The actress's character - Claire Bennet - will be getting 'very close and personal' to her college roommate during the fourth season of the superhero series, the Press Association reports in a storyline that is, in no way, a very obvious and desperate attempt to claw back some of the many viewers who have deserted the (once unmissable) show of late due to its meandering dreariness. 'It's just girly fun at first,' a source told the Daily Star. Oh, I'm sure it will be. 'But it might progress into something more serious, it depends how viewers respond.' Place your bets on the outcome now, dear blog reader.

More than six million viewers watched the Michael Jackson memorial event across several channels on British television. Both BBC2 and Five cleared their early evening schedules for live coverage of the Los Angeles service, which over-ran by almost ninety minutes, while Sky Arts, Sky News and the BBC News channel also covered the event in some depth. I have to say (and I never thought I'd hear this coming from my own blog) I agree with every single word that the Sun had to say about the event. 'Like a macabre circus.' Absolutely. In terms of viewers BBC2 did best, with an average of four million between 6pm and 8.45pm, peaking at over five million for the final fifteen minutes, according to unofficial overnight figures. BBC2's coverage was the most watched programme on any channel between 8pm and 8.45pm. Five's coverage of the Jackson event drew just over a million viewers. Because of this, viewing figures for EastEnders, Emmerdale and Holby City were all substantially down on their average which meant that the second episode of Torchwood: Children of Earth was the most watched single programme of the night with 5.6 million (a 24% share). Not that you'd know it from Broadcast's ludicrously underwhelmed reportage. Talk about 'damning with faint praise.' It should also be noted, in the interests of balance, that EastEnders BBC3 repeat at 10:30 last night attracted a staggering 1.3 million viewers, clearly suggesting that a bunch of the soap's regular audience temporarily abandoned Albert Square for the mawkish going-on at the Staples Center.

So, Torchwood was the most viewed TV show of the day, who'd have bet on that happening? It was delightful, however, quite apart from the quality of the story (a kind of 'X-Files meets John Wyndham' conceit that is, in places, very scary) since the episode featured a) more than a glimpse of John Barrowman's shapely naked arse; b) television drama's first ever 'escape by fork-lift truck' and c) lots of the quite brilliant Kai Owen. What a star that bloke is. He once bought me a pint, you know? Yeah, yeah, reflected glory and all that. It was, also, a double celebration for the divine Eve Myles who, like her character, has revealed that she's pregnant. In an interview with Wales on Sunday, Eve noted that she's so far managed to dodge morning sickness but has been suffering from some unusual cravings – for mashed spuds and Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Sounds like a normal evening meal in this house. Eve and her partner, actor Bradley Freegard, have already chosen names for a boy and a girl, but they will be keeping them under wraps. Keith Telly Topping wishes to extend his and all From The North readers' very best wishes to the couple at this happy time.

Meanwhile, David Tennant and Girls Aloud singer Sarah Harding will join the cast of the new St Trinian's film. The pair will join Colin Firth, Rupert Everett and Gemma Arterton in the sequel to the 2007 movie, The Legend of Fritton's Gold. Tennant will play the movie's main villain, Pomfrey, in the latest instalment of the rejuvenated franchise. Harding, who made a cameo in the previous movie along with her bandmates, will play 'a cool new schoolgirl.' Keith Telly Topping likes this news greatly.

Charlie Brooker has said that The Apprentice could provide the basis of a second series of his zombie thriller Dead Set. The first series of the horror drama was set in the Big Brother house and featured Davina McCall in a cameo as a zombified version of herself. Regarding a potential return of the E4 show, Brooker told Metro: 'Zombies are just very stupid dead people. If we did a Dead Set 2 we thought we'd do one based on I'm A Celebrity but actually The Apprentice would be better because then you could have ten really ruthless, foul-mouthed people.'

Labour MP John Grogan has backed David Cameron's pledge to strip Ofcom of its policy-making role if the Tories are elected, branding the media regulator 'arrogant towards Parliament.' The backbencher, who is Labour MP for Selby, said: 'I think David Cameron is quite right about restricting Ofcom's role to technical regulation rather than policy-making. In recent years Ofcom have had far too much discretion over broadcasting policy and have displayed a rather arrogant attitude towards Parliament.' Not to mention towards programme makers who, to be honest, are of a bit more interest to the general public than a bunch of sleazy, corrupt, expenses-fiddling nobodies like the House of Commons.

BBC1's Mistresses is set for one final fling after the drama was recommissioned for a third season. The new series, which follows the romantic affairs of four friends will once again star Sarah Parish, Sharon Small, Shelley Conn and Orla Brady for a four episode run, two less than the previosu year. Speculation about the future of the show had been circulating after the second season, which started on 17 February, put in a lacklustre performance with an average audience of 4.7m, half a million down on the first run in 2008.

ITV is preparing a major overhaul of its evening schedule this month, with Coronation Street being moved from its traditional Wednesday evening slot to make way for football and The Bill. The Manchester-based soap has been broadcast on Wednesday nights for nearly fifty years since it began in 1960, but a spokesman for ITV said the move would reflect the broadcaster's contracts for the Champions League, the FA Cup and England internationals, which will see live football regularly broadcast on that evening. Under the shake-up, which takes effect on 23 July, the police drama The Bill will be launched in its new 9pm slot and Emmerdale's hour-long Tuesday night episode will be cut to thirty-minutes. Two thirty-minute Emmerdale episodes will be shown on Thursdays, one starting at 7pm and the other at 8pm. The volume of both soaps will remain the same - one hundred and eighty minutes of Emmerdale stripped across the week and one hundred and fifty minutes of Corrie. But under the changes Coronation Street's Wednesday episode will be moved to Thursday at 8.30pm. ITV has today launched a campaign faced by soap stars Michelle Keegan and Sammy Winward (see right) to direct viewers to the new Thursday night soap special. 'We're delighted that Thursday evenings on ITV will be a great showcase for soap from Weatherfield and the Woolpack,' the ITV spokesman said.

Fern Britton has again rejected reports that she has had a falling out with her soon to be ex-This Morning co-host Phillip Schofield. It was previously announced that Britton will step down from the job and she has already denied suggestions of a rift between her and Schofield. She told TV Times: 'Is it right that Phillip and I have had a row and that I'm cross I'm not getting paid as much as he is? None of that is the actual truth. The next thing will be a comparison between me and the goddess who replaces me on This Morning. But that's fine. I couldn't care less but it annoys me to be used as fodder.' Fern - pictured to the left in her notorious 'last time I saw something like that it had an apple in its mouth' pose - added: 'I want my successor to have a great time - the moment's right for someone else to have a go. But the thing is, no-one believes that you would willingly relinquish a job because in telly you only get sacked and booted out.'

And finally some news: "Scientists in Newcastle claim to have created human sperm in the laboratory in what they say is a world first." I'm not sure about that, personally. I'll bet somebody's done it before on the quiet. You know, late on a Friday night, for a dare, after a few pints of Brown Ale and over a photo of Dr Alice Roberts. Anyway...

Cap'n Jack's Back (And, Not Yet Ready For The Sack)

2009-07-07T13:48:00.008Z

Torchwood: Children Of Earth had an impressive start for BBC1, according to overnight ratings figures. The opening episode of the third series of the Doctor Who spin-off gained just short of six million viewers (with a 25.8% audience share) during the 9pm hour, coming first in its timeslot. Its nearest rival, ITV's Real Crime, which looked at the murder of teenager Hannah Foster, managed 4.15m (18%), while BBC2's The Supersizers Eat... The French Revolution could only get 1.55m. Poor Giles and Sue, if it's not the ruddy tennis, it's Big Johnny Barrowman and his greatcoat of rampant homosexuality. A new series of Alex Polizzi's The Hotel Inspector took 1.57m for Five and the second part of Channel 4's Inside Nature's Giants series got 1.72m. Earlier, Channel 4's Teenagers Fighting Cancer was seen by 830,000 opposite BBC2's University Challenge - 2.43m. Channel 4's Big Brother highlights show - which featured another argument between Rodrigo and Charlie, apparently - managed 1.75m. On multi-channels, One Tree Hill's return to E4 scored 384,000, beating the first part of Dawn Porter's documentary My Breasts Could Kill Me (181,000) on Sky1. So, that's one lot of big tits beating another ...

Okay, okay, it's been a strange day.

The BBC has apologised for an error experienced by some Sky+ users who tried to record Sunday night's edition of Top Gear on their set-top-boxes. The problem was said to have been caused by a scheduling error related to the BBC's coverage of the Wimbledon final between Andy Roddick and Roger Federer. In response to a potential tennis overrun, Top Gear's start time was pushed back on the EPG to 8:30pm instead of the usual 8pm. An earlier finish at the tennis meant that the start time reverted back to normal, but this was not updated on the EPG, resulting in just a portion of the programme being subsequently recorded. A BBC spokesman explained: 'At one point it was thought that our tennis coverage may run past its scheduled time slot. However, this didn't happen and Top Gear began at its original scheduled time. Unfortunately some EPGs displayed an inaccurate start time. We're sorry for any disappointment or inconvenience this may have caused.'

Tabloid reports have claimed that Simon Cowell will quit The X Factor after the forthcoming series. According to the Daily Mirror, Cowell will leave the show to focus on his rumoured new entertainment company with Topshop owner Sir Philip Green. Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue are said to be remaining on the judging panel. Cowell's contract with ITV ends in December and he is allegedly reviewing his future TV plans. Cowell reportedly wants to keep his post on fellow ITV series Britain's Got Talent. 'He has found X Factor increasingly draining and it leaves him little time for serious business,' said a source. 'Now he's decided this will be his last series and he's moving on.' Is anybody bothered? (I have to also note that, in the interests of a fairness I tried - hard - to find a photo of Cowell looking something other than smug to illustrate this story. But, after two hours of searching the Internet, I couldn't find one - or anything even remotely like it - so I went for the opposite route.)

Channel 4 has announced that Comedy Showcase will return for a second series. The show, which aims to find the UK's best established and up-and-coming comedic talent, was last seen in 2007 and led to the commissioning of The Kevin Bishop Show. Among the potential pilots being unveiled are Pete v Life, from the makers of Peep Show; The Increasingly Poor Decisions Of Todd Margaret; Campus; The Amazing Dermot; PhoneShop and Guantanamo Phil, starring Peep Show's Steve Edge. 'I am very excited to announce another series of six new Comedy Showcase films,' said Channel 4's Andrew Newman. 'From the first series we commissioned three full series, so it is great to be able to invest another raft of exciting new ideas from some of Britain's top comedy producers. This year's line-up features a fantastic range of both fresh talent and established stars and will take us into the varied but hopefully hilarious worlds of sports commentary, university campuses, mobile phone shops, stage hypnotism, energy drink sales and political prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.'

Andrew Jackson has today been appointed as the new Head of the BBC Natural History Unit. Currently Managing Director of the independent production company Tigress, Jackson will replace Neil Nightingale, who is standing down after six years in the role to return to programme making. Jana Bennett, Director, BBC Vision, says: 'I am delighted that Andrew is joining the BBC in this important role leading the Natural History Unit, the centre of the best natural history film-making in the world. Andrew's own track record demonstrates his enthusiasm and dedication to programmes about the natural world in delivering ever more ambitious projects which deepen our appreciation of natural history and amaze us with the beauty of the world about us.'

After a successful first series, CBBC's Horrible Histories is back for a second run. Written by some of Britain's finest comedy writers, this series stars Sarah Hadland (That Mitchell And Webb Look), Jim Howick (Peep Show), Simon Farnaby (Jam and Jerusalem, The Mighty Boosh), Ben Ward (Dead Ringers) and voices from Jon Culshaw, who bring to life gruesome events and ghastly characters from British and international history. CBBC Controller Anne Gilchrist has ordered a second thirteen part series of the factual entertainment show from Lion Television which is based on the best-selling books by Terry Deary and illustrated by Martin Brown. 'Horrible Histories was a hideously gruesome and gory success for CBBC,' says Gilchrist. 'It introduced children to the great facts and narratives of history in a hilarious way and featured some of the finest in comedy writing and performances I've seen for a long time.'

Des O'Connor has called for a return of 'light entertainment' and 'big stars' to British television. The former Countdown presenter said that he believed the public were united in favouring old-fashioned broadcasting formats. 'Just ask the public and I think we already know what they will say,' he told Digital Spy. 'They miss the kind of big stars and quality light entertainment productions that the whole family could sit down and watch together.' Speaking about modern TV and the rise of reality shows, he said: 'We have to be realistic in today's economic climate, but I still feel we should be aiming at feel good television that people can watch with a smile on their face.'

Trisha Goddard has blasted Loose Women for only having white presenters. According to Bang Showbiz, the chatshow host criticised producers for failing to employ panellists from different ethnic backgrounds. 'Driven snow means it is very white, middle-class,' she said. 'If your staff come from a predominantly under-privileged area and socio-economic group, you are going to reflect that.' She added: 'There are a lot of people who are from non-Anglo backgrounds who would be fantastic on that show. It would be nice to have more of a representative mixture because we are a hotch-potch society.' Earlier this year, The Trisha Goddard Show was cancelled by Five. Which may, also, have been part of a massive Caucasian conspiracy on the part of the Military-Industrial-Entertainment Complex but, more likely, was because it was rubbish and no one was watching it.

Origin Pictures, the production company of acclaimed film producer David Thompson, and BBC Films have secured the rights to William Boyd’s next thriller before its September publication. Ordinary Thunderstorms is set in London against the backdrop of a huge drug-testing conspiracy and centres on a cat and mouse chase between a man framed for a crime he didn't commit and 'the powers that want him dead.' The screenplay will be written by Boyd himself, who previously adapted his own novels A Good Man In Africa and Armadillo for screen and also penned Chaplin and The Trench. 'I'm absolutely delighted to be working with David, Origin and BBC Films. A completely perfect combination as far as I’m concerned,' Boyd said. Thompson, who is a former head of BBC Films, added: 'It's a hugely exciting proposition and very rare to come across a big London-set thriller that is both sophisticated and unpredictable in equal measure.'

Richard Wilson is to present a new BBC documentary about death. The hour-long show, which will look at how people deal with bereavement, has been been dubbed 'distasteful' by independent watchdog Mediawatch-UK according to the Sun. The watchdog - for which read 'a bunch of interfering know-nothing chebs who wish to dictate matters of artistic concern according to their own narrow, puritanical and outdated values' - also claimed that the One Foot In The Grave comedian was an inappropriate choice as host. However, the BBC has described Two Feet In The Grave as 'a sensitive exploration of attitudes towards death.' As you can no doubt tell from the wholly sensitive title. I don't know which one to side with here, the Mary Whitehouse-lite scum-nutters, or a production team whose idea of sensitivity is, seemingly, smacking viewers in the face with a bit of two-by-four. Toughie.

The Scum Also Rises But, Just Occasionally, Is Satisfyingly Slapped Down

2009-07-06T06:44:00.020Z

Let's start the week with - for once - some terrific news: The Press Complaints Commission, normally a toothless entity at the best of times, has strongly criticised the Scottish Sunday Express, saying it was guilty of a 'serious error of judgement.' The PCC upheld a complaint against the paper after it published a front page article on 8 March this year, under the headline Anniversary shame of Dunblane, alleging that survivors of the 1996 massacre had 'shamed the memory of their dead friends' by boasting about drunken nights out on social networking websites. This claim was based on pictures and information gleaned wholly from such sites which, according to the paper, portrayed the teenagers as 'foul-mouthed' youths who 'boast about sex, brawls and drink-fuelled antics.' You know, the sort of thing that most normal eighteen year olds spend their time talking about in other words. A journalist working for the paper named Paula Murray seemingly realised that the survivors of the shooting would now be eighteen, meaning that their photos could be legally published. Having, apparently, trawled sites like Facebook and Bebo, she wrote a front page article, slamming them for daring to make comments about sex and binge drinking. The story prompted a huge wave of public indignation and revulsion - with more than ten thousand people signing an online petition attacking the paper's tawdry idea for what constitutes 'news' - and prompted a number of complaints to the press watchdog and other public condemnation. TV writer Graham Linehan, for instance, wrote a particularly heartfelt and thoughtful piece The Express wins the race to the bottom whilst one particular media watch-blog did to Paula Murray exactly what she had done to her unfortunate victims — looked her up on Facebook, swiped some photos of her drinking with friends and found various comments that she had made apparently bragging about boozing, saying she had 'fallen off the wagon' and was feeling 'legless.' The offending article was swiftly removed from the Express website, but despite this has continued to provoke strong reactions, particularly among the blogging community. An online petition was quickly drawn up asking for a front-page apology from the paper, as well as disciplinary action to be taken against the journalist and editor responsible; by the 30 March when it closed, this had attracted 11,186 signatures. Criticism has also attached itself to Elizabeth Smith, a Member of the Scottish Parliament, who was quoted within the article as describing the contents of some blogs as 'in bad taste,' a comment which was implied by the article to apply to those of the Dunblane survivors. Smith has since claimed that her comments were quoted out of context, and were directed at teenage bloggers in general — a claim disputed by the Scottish Sunday Express' editor, Derek Lambie. A complaint to the PCC from the parents of two of the young people named in the article protested that the story was outrageously intrusive, identified their children as survivors and published information about their private lives, including pictures. In the PCC ruling, the Scottish Sunday Express acknowledged that the tone of the article had been ill-judged. 'Bloody disgraceful' might have been a slightly more honest and contrite assessment, frankly. The paper had published a rather limp and sorry excuse for an apology for the 'terrible offence' it had caused to those who survived the Dunblane shooting two weeks after it ran the original article. The Express's defence was, essentially, that the identities of the Dunblane survivors had been published previously and that the information about them had been obtained from publicly accessible websites. In making its ruling, the PCC did not accept that this crass and flimsy argument justified what was 'a serious intrusion,' and said that the apology, while appropriate, was nowhere even close to being a 'sufficient remedy to breaching its code of practice. They were not public figures in any meaningful sense and the newsworthy event that they had been involved in as young children had happened thirteen years previously,' said the PCC in its adjudication. 'Since then they had done nothing to warrant media scrutiny, and the images appeared to have been taken out of context and presented in a way that was designed to humiliate or embarrass them.'

A Doctor Who movie starring David Tennant will be announced at the Comic-Con event later this month, according to various - mostly unsubstantiated - Internet rumours. Speculation is growing that the BBC may confirm the big screen version at the five-day convention, which is held annually in San Diego. Tennant will be attending alongside departing executive producer Russell Davies. Previously, Tennant has revealed that he has signed up for an unidentified 'sci-fi project,' while Davies has hinted that an announcement of a 'special project' would be coming soon, telling Doctor Who Magazine 'News as and when, but I can promise, it's worth waiting for.' Personally, I'll believe it when I see it. But, it'd be really nice if it happened.

Former Royle Family actress Liz Smith has revealed that she is to bow out of acting after suffering a stroke. The eighty seven-year-old actress who played Nana in the cult BBC comedy, said that although she is getting stronger, she accepts further acting roles are likely to be beyond her. 'I do get muddled and sometimes feel I have to reach for words that elude me,' she said. The actress has been recovering since spending two months in hospital earlier this year following the stroke. 'I was getting terribly tired anyway, although I'd like to think I could eventually write again,' she said. 'I've got stories in my head, but I'm nearly ninety, so if I don't do much now at least I've earned a rest.' Smith is featuring in BBC4's Grey Expectations series, which aims to challenge preconceptions about what is possible for the over-sixties. Liz Smith's Summer Cruise, which airs on Sunday coming, sees the star invited to do something she'd never done before - embark on a luxury cruise. Born in Scunthorpe in 1921, Liz didn't even take up acting full-time until she was close to fifty but became a household name in Peter Tinniswood's hit 1970s Northern sitcom I Didn't Know You Cared. She's most recently been seen in Lark Rise to Candleford. I'm sure that all From The North's readers would like to join Keith Telly Topping in wishing dear Liz all the very best for a happy, long and relaxing retirement for all of the pleasure that she's given us over the years in Ripping Yarns, The Life & Loves of a She-Devil, 2point4 children, Tom's Midnight Garden, A Private Function and, especially, The Royle Family.

Jonathan Ross has been cleared of suggestions that comments he made on his Radio2 show were 'homophobic.' During Ross's Saturday morning radio show on 9 May, Ross discussed the prizes for that week's competition with his producer, Andy Davies. Ross said: 'If your son asks for a Hannah Montana MP3 player, then you might want to already think about putting him down for adoption in later life, when they settle down with their partner.' Ofcom received sixty one complaints from listeners who expressed concern that the comment were 'offensive and derogatory' towards the gay community. Quite why these ludicrous, reactionary, tight-arsed busybodies weren't told go and stuff themselves without wasting time and money on actually investigating such a trivial and pointless matter is unclear. Although, the fact that it was Ross involved in the, wholly manufactured 'controversy' and that a Kangaroo court of pompous tabloid scum was clearly waiting in the wings should there be any suggestion of anybody 'taking the matter lightly' may have had something to do with it. The media regulator has ruled that the comments were not in breach of the Broadcasting Code, taking into account that Ross is a well-known personality who has an 'irreverent, challenging and at times risqué humour' that is familiar to his audience. The Ofcom ruling added: 'The comment was clearly presented as a joke intended to make light of the reactions that some parents may have if their child chooses a toy that is very widely recognised to be designed and marketed for the opposite sex.'

Jennifer Beals and Mekhi Phifer are returning to the cast of the excellent Lie To Me, according to an article in The Hollywood Reporter. Phifer, who appeared in the last two episodes of the drama's first season, has been promoted to a series regular in his role as FBI agent Reynolds. Beals, who guest-starred in the season finale as the ex-wife of Tim Roth's character Cal Lightman, will recur in the latest batch of episodes currently being produced.

The creators of Lost have ruled out any spin-offs into movies or comics once the cult show comes to an end next year. At a BAFTA event, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse said they owed it to ABC - and the fans - for the sixth series to tie up as many loose ends as possible. Lindelof said: 'We won't be vague and ambiguous; there will be a lot of answers. We feel that if we hold anything back in the final season, it would be bad. Everyone's come this far and they want a conclusion to the story. We've no plans to continue the story of Lost beyond series six. My wife says "never say never." I say "never."' Talking about the pressures facing them as they prepared to enter production on the sixth and final series, they promised it would not feature the complex time travel elements of series five. Instead, it would feel 'more like series one,' Cuse promised, adding: 'There's a circularity to the show.'

For an English actor whose roles have included the half-Spanish, half-Ukrainian son of Pablo Picasso, a French detective, a Spartan statesman and, most famously, an Irish-American Baltimore cop Dominic West is oddly territorial when it comes to casting. The Wire star has accused Russell Crowe, Johnny Depp and Renée Zellweger of 'stealing our great heroes' by playing British characters in an interview with the Gruniad. West's annoyance flared after he took the role of the Australian scientist Professor Howard Florey in Breaking the Mould, a forthcoming BBC4 drama about the discovery of penicillin. 'Florey got the Nobel Prize with Alexander Fleming but was basically lost to history, except in Australia where he was recently voted the greatest Australian of all time,' West said. 'I'd never heard of this guy. But I was sort of smarting from Russell Crowe coming over here and playing Robin Hood and all these foreigners coming over here and stealing our great heroes. I felt I was striking a blow back by being a Brit playing a foreigner. I'd love to play Robin Hood but I'd particularly like to play all those parts Johnny Depp plays that are English people like the Earl of Rochester.' Although West admitted there might be a smidgeon of hypocrisy in his attitude, there were two renowned British characters who, he felt, really should have been played by UK actors. 'I suppose for someone who made quite a lot of money out of being in an American TV show, I shouldn't moan really, but it does annoy me when Beatrix Potter is played by a Texan. What's wrong with our great Kate Winslet; why wasn't she Bridget Jones?' he asked. To confuse matters further, the actor praised the US for allowing people to break free of their backgrounds. 'I don't think I'd have got a McNulty part in England because I'm an Old Etonian,' he said. Rather ironic, also, that this is the very actor who just a couple of months ago was complaining that all we ever seem to produce in Britain is costume drama. Now, seemingly, he wants in on the action.

According to the News of the World STV bosses have declared it's the end of the grim blue line for The Bill in Scotchland. The papers suggests that at £30,000 an episode the show will be cut from the Scottish schedules on 23 July after a twenty six-year run. The move is said to have enraged ITV bosses, but STV Chief Executive Rob Woodward is quoted defended the decision. 'We're taking greater control of our schedule and are absolutely committed to maintaining a healthy creative industry in Scotland by investing in new, high-quality Scottish productions.' How much longer, one wonders, before - like the smoking ban - England is forced to follow suit.

Holly Willoughby has reportedly been offered a £250,000 deal to replace Fern Britton on This Morning. The presenter was believed to have been reading over the contract this weekend just gone (presumably very slowly and mouthing all of the words as she did so) before being unveiled as the programme's new signing later this week. Last month, it was claimed that Willoughby had the backing of long-running This Morning host Phillip Schofield, who already works with the big-chested blonde starlet on Dancing On Ice. A source told the Mirror: "[Holly] has the contract in her hands and can't stop smiling. She knows Phil well and they work with great chemistry on TV, so choosing her meant there was no need for lots of screen tests." It is understood that Willoughby's new role will not affect her commitment to ITV2's The Xtra Factor, which she will work on for the rest of the year.

Kerry Katona is so upset by her recent weight gain that she cannot bear to look at herself in the mirror, it has been claimed. A source told the News Of The World: 'She ballooned back to her old size. And now she can't look in the mirror, she finds it traumatising.' That isn't, really, telly news per se. But Keith Telly Topping has to admit that he finds it a rather amusing piece of crass tittle-tattle and so is including on this blog it in the hope that his dear blog readers will, also. Particularly anybody who has ever had the misfortune to shop at Iceland.

Sir Terry Wogan has complained about the current state of television, claiming that programmes were better fifty years ago. The broadcaster admitted he is unhappy over the number of talk shows and reality programmes in the schedules - as well as the public appetite for them. Wogan told the Sunday Mirror: 'Television has changed. Light entertainment is no longer the expensive quality that it used to be. It's all quiz games and reality TV. Talk shows these days are just cheap TV. In the same way that reality TV is cheap television that humiliates people. There's no point saying there can't be any humiliation, because the public seem to respond to it, it seems to be something they want. But then again the public liked mass executions as well, but we don't do those any more.' Well, maybe that's where we're going wrong Sir Tel? 'To be honest, I don't know where we go from here,' bemoaned Wogan before singling out celebrity chefs Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay for criticism, attacking their use of bad language on screen. Keith Telly Topping agress with Sir Tel and also considers that music 'is all just noise these days', that there's 'too much sex on the wireless' and that, 'things were so much better in olden times before all these new-fangled modern inventions.' Keith Telly Topping cordially invites the Radio2 legend and former Blankety Blank host round to Stately Top Telly Tips Manor for a nice cup of sweet milky cocoa and snooze in the chair before Countdown starts.

Richard McKerrow, creative director of Love Productions, has hit back at critics of his Channel 4 series Boys and Girls Alone for making snap judgements claiming they did not what they were talking about. He singled out the anthropologist Penelope Leach and the psychologist Oliver James, who were among forty leading children's experts to label the show as 'child abuse' in a letter to The Times and questioned how they were able to launch the public attack before having actually seen the production. 'I wouldn't dream of attacking anything I hadn't seen, watched and where I hadn’t interrogated what had happened by speaking to the producers,' he said. McKerrow claimed the controversy over the show, about a group of eight-to eleven-year-old boys and girls living by their own rules in isolated cottages in Cornwall, levelled unfair criticism at the duty of care in place. He said that far from being alone, the children were constantly under the watch of trained child chaperones who were on hand to intervene if the youngsters got out of control, as well as camera men and women, and parents via CCTV. 'It was the safest place it can be – more than any nursery. If there is any criticism, it should be about how real it can be if they're so wrapped up in cotton wool.'

Children's broadcasters must stop relying on nostalgia to save kids TV and try to reposition themselves instead, some of the industry's most senior figures have claimed according to Broadcast. Anthony Lilley, chief executive of Magic Lantern Productions and a member of the Ofcom content board, said the TV industry should stop taking a protective stance and instead lobby on the basis of innovation. 'There is a bridgehead [as a result of the Digital Britain report] and to capitalise on it we have to be very child-centric and we have to cast this as an innovation question, not a protection question,' he said. No, I haven't the faintest buggering clue what that is supposed to mean either. But, never mind. The government's policymakers and treasurers are so focused on the 'pipes' to deliver Digital Britain, rather than the experience of living in digital Britain, that it falls to the children's television industry to come up with innovative resolutions itself, Lilley added. Nah. Still not getting it. I recognise some of the words, but ... Do none of you people in executive positions in the media actually speak English, at all? 'Broadcasters have become like penguins huddling on a melting ice float, but the only way they are going to survive is to jump in the water and learn how to swim,' he said. Right. Penguins. Like Pingu, you mean? That was good. Anne Gilchrist, outgoing controller of CBBC, took a similar stance. 'Relying on nostalgia hasn't worked so far so we've got to go after what children will be missing out on if we are not there to innovate,' she said. Now, see, I actually understood that. The problem with nostalgia, of course, is that is isn't what it used to be.

Dear old Mad Grant Morrison is in the early stages of working on a story that explores Wonder Woman's feminism and bondage roots, it has been reported. In conversation with horror author Clive Barker at Los Angeles comic shop Meltdown, the Batman & Robin writer explained the Wonder Woman story he had briefly touched on in the pages of Final Crisis. Digital Spy quotes the author of such ground-breaking comics as Animal Man, The Doom Patrol, Zenith, The New Adventures of Hitler and The Invisibles saying: 'The basics of Wonder Woman come from William Moulton Marston, a psychologist who created the lie detector. His idea was that a utopia would be achieved if men were placed in subjugation to women. So Wonder Woman is a character where you imagine this very strange mélange of girl power, bondage and a slightly disturbed sexuality. There is this bondage element; these extremely weird dark elements of Wonder Woman haven't been adequately dealt with.' He added: 'Wonder Woman remains a really bizarre, untouchable character. She should represent women in the same way Superman represents men.' DC Comics is yet to confirm whether the project will go ahead. I wouldn't hold you breath if I were you! But, it's always lovely to hear Mad Grant go off on one!

Coronation Street actor Reece Dinsdale has quit the soap over fears of being typecast. According, again, to the News Of The World, the former sitcom star - who plays kitchen fitter Joe McIntyre - allegedly turned down a pay increase of a third to his existing £100,000-a-year deal. His character's exit in the Weatherfield serial is expected to tie in with the climax of his ongoing drug addiction storyline which sees him die after an overdose of prescription painkillers. A Corrie source told the tabloid: 'Reece has been a massive hit and top brass thought they could strike a long-term deal. He was offered a massive pay rise but he turned it down. Executives were surprised.'

A bumper audience of just over eleven millon viewers (55.9% audience share) saw Roger Federer claim his record breaking fifteenth grand-slam tennis title as he won the Wimbledon men's singles in an epic five-set match on BBC1. Yeah. Not interested, really. There was, however, further scheduling chaos caused on BBC2 as Sky's Electronic Programme Guide indicated that coverage of the mixed doubles final (the mixed-doubles fer Christ's sake! Who cares?!) would be extended to 8:30. Bad enough, in and of itself, since it would be cutting into the scheduled start time for BBC2's most popular show, Top Gear. In the event, this didn't happen, the Wimbledon coverage - for once - ended exactly when it should. (Take note please BBC, that's all you have to do - have Sue Barker say 'sadly, we've run out of time' - on the next occasion that some five-setter threatens to go on till midnight and STOP ME WATCHING SUPERSIZERS! Yes, I AM still annoyed about it, thank you very much.) Anyway, this appears to have caused at least a portion of Top Gear's audience to miss part of the episode (viewing figures were down by two or three hundred thousand across the hour from the show's usual average). Expect, therefore, a mass charge of angry petrolheads over to SW15 this morning, looking for somebody to attack in their Porsches.

The BBC has axed Graham Norton's Totally Saturday, according to press reports. Last Saturday's episode pulled in just 2.1m viewers compared to 4.3m for the series launch and a slot average of 5.7m. It was outstripped by an ITV repeat of Stephen Mulhern's Animals Do The Funniest Things which pulled in an audience of 3.7m. A BBC source told the Sun: 'Totally Saturday has been totally disastrous. The BBC hoped it would be their answer to Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway on ITV. But viewers just don't seem to like it and even Graham is unhappy with it. He deserves much better than this turkey. It's got two more shows and then it's being consigned to the dustbin.' The show has attracted some high profile guests including Sir Roger Moore and Lionel Richie but has come in for heavy criticism from other BBC presenters. Jonathan Ross said on his Radio2 show: 'Poor Graham, I feel for him watching that show,' whilst Radio1 breakfast DJ Chris Moyles branded it 'appalling.' Well, he'd certainly know all about that.

David Cameron, the Conservative party leader, said that he would take away Ofcom's policy making powers and cut back the communications regulator 'by a huge amount' if his party wins next year's general election. Cameron told BBC Breakfast he planned to save taxpayers money by slimming down Ofcom and other public bodies if he becomes prime minister next year. 'Give Ofcom, or give a new body, the technical function of handing out the licences and regulating lightly the content that is on the screens,' he said. 'But it shouldn't be making policy, it shouldn't have its own Communications Department, the head of Ofcom [Ed Richards] is paid almost half a million pounds,' Cameron added. Well, that's just shocking. It's nearly as much as the average MP claims in allowances for their second home, isn't it? 'We could slim this body down a huge amount and save a lot of money for the taxpayer,' he concluded. Sadly, he stopped short of saying that this wretched quango - full of unelected nobodies - shouldn't even exist and that it is a waste of taxpayers money interferring in matters of artistic concern that are none of its God damn business. Nice try, sir, but I'm still not voting for you. Or any other Eton Rifle for that matter. Hello, hurray.

Finally, a Devon pensioner who has not paid his television licence for nearly seven years has received a court summons. John Kelly, seventy, a retired engineer from Exmouth, has refused to buy one since 2002 after accusing the BBC of 'biased reporting' and being pro-European. He claims BBC reporting on Britain's membership of the European Union did not comply with the Royal Charter. He is due before magistrates in Exeter on 15 July. He faces a fine of up to one thousand pounds if he pleads or is found guilty. The current cost of the annual licence fee is £142.50. Mr Kelly said: 'I love the BBC - it's a unique public service broadcaster and I listen to and watch it as much as anyone else.' He just, seemingly, doesn't want to pay for it. Keith Telly Topping has come over all Tory when he suggested that you should get all righteous on his sorry ass and slam him up in the pokey, judge. With all of the murderers and the rapists and ... the people who nick stuff from Morrison's. No mercy. Personally I'd also introduce a system of transportation to the colonies for those who incite others to watch Britain's Got Talent and the commissioning of anything related to Katie Price would mean the black cap, the rope and the long drop. It's the only language these people understand.

Week Twenty Eight: Real Gone Kids, The Dead Smart Coren Family And Scottish Neil And His Lovely Hair

2009-07-04T15:42:00.025Z

It is that time of the week once again, dear blog reader, for another dip of the big toe of manic indifference into the shark-infested waters that are Keith Telly Topping and His Top Telly Tips. Have a first aid kit handy just in case.

Friday 10 July
The season finales of Celebrity Masterchef and Torchwood notwithstanding (both of which I'm kind-of assuming anybody with taste will be watching) it's a bit of a strange night on TV this Friday. Thinking outside the box as it were, I've gone for Wild Things - 7:35 Channel 4. In the 1970s a group of 'idealistic young radicals' (for which read stinking, subversive, egghead hippy Communists) set up a festering, lice-ridden, go-as-you-please commune in some Christforsaken London squat with an 'alternative' approach to parenting and discipline. They believed that life in a nuclear family was stifling and so children were looked after collectively without belonging to anyone. To mark this, all of these illegitimate brats were all given the same surname: Wild. Over the years several other Anarchosyndicalist collectives followed suit. And thus, there are a network of unrelated Wild children around the country, who are now well into their thirties. Adam Hopkins tracks down some of these Wild kids to find out how what was supposed to be a liberating concept has actually affected them in the long term and how much therapy they needed to get over it. One reveals that for years he wanted to change his name to Dave Smith to make himself more 'normal,' while another's 'act of rebellion' was to get married and move to suburbia. One, however, is continuing the traditions of political activism inherited from his parents, albeit in the privileged environment of Cambridge University. Hopkins also talks to a few of their mothers - and bear in mind some children had three or four women whom they called 'Mum' - about the reasons behind the ideas. It's a fascinating bit of social history (not to mention an example of pop-pysch Jungism that's been discredited for three decades) which could certainly bear examination in far greater depth than just the half an hour it's got here.

Saturday 11 July
The watchwords of the French Revolution were, of course, Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité (liberty, equality and brotherhood for the unilingual). Maximilien Robespierre believed in them, passionately. He was an idealist lawyer, a lover of humanity and a defender of hopeless causes who became one of the early leaders of the populist uprising against the ruling classes in the late 1780s. But during the three hundred and sixty five days that Robespierre sat on the Committee of Public Safety, the French Republic descended into carnage and Paris into a devastated city of blood. 'The Terror' only came to an end when Robespierre himself was devoured (quite literally) by the repressive machinery of state he had created. In Terror! Robespierre and the French Revolution - 8:00 BBC2 - this drama-documentary tells the story of the Reign of Terror and looks at how Robespierre's revolutionary idealism quickly became an excuse for tyranny. And why a lover of liberty was so keen to use the guillotine so freely. Something of a recurring theme in popular movements throughout the ages, that. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. TV's greatest living historian Simon Schama and Slavoj Zizek are among the contributors. Looks terrific.

Sunday 12 July
In the season finale of Kingdom - 9:00 ITV - Lyle helps a smallholder take on a pharmaceutical giant, and Peter helps an aristocrat to keep things in the family when his brother starts selling off titles. Beatrice learns to fish, and Peter receives some rather shocking news. Ratings have been steady, albeit slightly down on last year and there's no news yet on whether a fourth series will be commissioned. Although Stephen Fry has stated that, if it is, prior commitments mean it's unlikely to be filmed until next year and, therefore, probably not show until the year after.

Meanwhile, Mad Jezza Clarkson gets chased by the British Army (again!) using some of their latest and most deadly toys in Top Gear at 8:00 on BBC2. Stop cheering at the back, I think Jeremy actually ASKED them to, it wasn't was pre-emptive coup d'état on their part. Not really their raison d'être, it is? Déjà vu? Oui. Meanwhile, Richard and James compare the new Porsche Panamera against a small envelope, a first class stamp and the logistical might of the Royal Mail in a race from one end of the British Isles to the other. Plus, Jamaican Olympic gold medal-winning sprinter Usain Bolt is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. I'm pretty sure Usian could actually run round the track faster than a Chevrolet Lacetti.

At the cruise ship reception for new passengers, Liz Smith appears anxious. Her travelling companion, the film-maker Daisy Asquith, assures her that the other guests are longing to meet her but the actress, known to millions for her roles as Nana in The Royle Family and Letitia in The Vicar Of Dibley, is wary. It's difficult to believe that one of Britain's best-loved actresses could possibly feel lonely but, as Liz Smith's Summer Cruise - BBC4 9:00 - reveals, the acclaim and public affection she earned late in her life has not quite made up for the hurt of her isolated childhood and many years of obscurity and struggle. In a charming, sometimes sad and often hilariously funny documentary for BBC4's Grey Expectations season, which explores older people's experiences and challenges preconceptions about what is possible after the age of sixty, Liz was invited to do something she'd never done before – embark on a luxury cruise. The resulting film offers an intriguing portrait of a person who admits to having been deeply affected by her past. Like many older people, Liz remains young at heart. 'You can get soggy when you retire,' she says, 'you do wonder how much time you have left and you don't want to waste that time.' One thing she is determined to do is urge people to take more care of their health in the battle against strokes: 'I would like to spread the word to be careful because there's a lot of it about,' she says. 'I'd like to say to everybody: stop smoking, lose weight and take your blood pressure regularly.' The journey from Croatia to Venice was Liz's first on a cruise ship since the Second World War, when she was crammed into a cabin with twenty fellow Wrens. 'I was on a troopship going to South Africa,' she says, 'but they lost our papers at Port Said, so we were stuck in the desert for months just at the end of the battle for El Alamein. We then became the first lot to go through the Suez Canal and I went to India.' While enjoying the on-board luxury and the thrill of a making a glorious first visit to sun-drenched Venice, Liz also reflects on her childhood in Scunthorpe. Her mother died in childbirth along with the baby sister she never knew and her father abandoned her. Liz was encouraged by her widowed grandmother who raised her to meet other children, through which she started doing plays in the church hall. 'That's how it all started,' she says of her passion for acting. 'But I got rejections until I was fifty.' Liz married after the war, but her husband walked out eleven years later, leaving her to raise their two children alone. She was working in Hamley's toy shop in London when director Mike Leigh gave her a break, casting her in a BBC television play, Bleak Moments. 'For many years I'd worked at Butlin's, doing theatre with the Forbes Russell Rep Company which, in those days, toured the camps. That provided us with a holiday, which was lovely. At the end of that time, as the kids were grown up, I got the chance to work with Mike. I've done what I wanted to do, eventually.' The film presents a humorous and touching overview of her life. Contrary to Liz's initial concerns, the other passengers are friendly, eager to talk and clearly feel that they know her – something she attributes to 'having been in their living rooms. The whole point of The Royle Family is that they love each other and stay together as a family,' she says. 'That's what we don't do enough of, I think. It was a wonderful job. I've been lucky to play some endearing characters – Nana was an old bag really, but they liked her.' Liz was close to the other members of the tight-knit cast and remains in touch with them: 'I see Sue [Johnston] who doesn't live far away and Craig [Cash] came down and saw me in hospital, but we don't have reunions because they are all so busy. I was in hospital for about two months and have been very gradually getting better ever since. I get exhausted and have to take it easy but I don't know when I'll reach my peak ... probably at the end of the year. I might be ready for a holiday then! I've never been to New York, I'd like to go on the Queen Mary 2, there are so many places to choose from.' In fact, Liz's next trip will be a little closer to home – she is off to Buckingham Palace this month to receive her MBE.

And finally there's Michael Jackson's Last Days: What Really Happened - 9:00 on Channel 4. What really happened was that, tragically, he died. It was very sad. Let it go will you?

Monday 13 July
Monday night sees the return of The Street - 9:00 BBC1 - Jimmy McGovern's award-winning drama series chronicling the lives of a city street's residents. When landlord of the Greyhound, Paddy Gargan (Bob Hoskins), bars Callum Miller from his pub for smoking, he must face the wrath of Callum's father - Thomas Miller, the local gangster.

It's a big drama night, actually with the start of Monday Monday - 9:00 ITV - a much anticipated comedy drama set in the head office of a struggling supermarket chain with features Fay Ripley, the divine Holly Aird and Jenny Agutter. Some of the advance publicity from sources close to the production have suggested something really rather special. In the mould, perhaps, of a Clocking Off. But other reports have dismissed the series as a sort limp Cold Feet knock-off, with one rumour suggesting it could be even this year's Bonekickers. I'm gonna give it a chance, anyway, to find out which, if any, of these it most resembles. The plot: After her office transfers to Leeds, PA Sally is dismayed to find that the attractive man with whom she shared a rather disappointing one-night stand will now be working alongside her. Meanwhile, when Sally's alcoholic boss, Christine, humiliates herself during a presentation, scheming chief operating officer Alyson promptly attempts to sack Christine - but chief executive Roger refuses to do so, and may have his own agenda for doing so. And ambitious Max plots to nab the top job in Marketing while his boss is away. Sounds wretched, frankly. But think Fay, Holly and Jenny and the above, actually, doesn't seem quite as bad as it reads without any names attached to it.

If you're planning on ignoring either of those dramas to watch Giles Coren on Supersizers (which, thankfully, this week can't possibly get screwed around by the bloody tennis), then you'll probably also be happy to know that his sister - that gorgeous vision of minxy loveliness Victoria - is back on BBC4 with a new series of the lateral thinking quiz show Only Connect at 8:30. A team of three lads from the Cambridge Quiz Society pit their wits against a trio of Oxford Librarians with specialisms as diverse as Comparative Slavonic Linguistics, Classics and Theology. As I said last year, Qi for real intellectuals, this. They compete to draw together the connections between things which, at first glance, seem utterly random. The example giving in Radio Times, for instance is what connects Goldeneye, The Kilns, Hill Top in Cumbria and Haworth Parsonage. Well, I know the answer to that one straight away - they're all the houses of famous authors (Ian Fleming, CS Lewis, Beatrix Potter and the Brontë sisters, respectively). Easy. Next...

Tuesday 14 July
In one of the best bits of TV news of the year, Coast returns for a fourth series at 8:00 on BBC2. The award-winning travelogue begins a brand new journey around the British Isles and for the first time visits the shores of some of our European neighbours. Beginning at the famous Oyster Festival in Whitstable, Lovely Scottish Neil Oliver (and his lovely hair) ventures offshore to the remarkable Red Sands Sea Forts. Built as air defences in the Second World War they went on to inspire the design of the first North Sea oil rigs. In Dover, the goddess of punk archeology Dr Alice Roberts (and her lovely hair) re-lives the glamour days of the hovercraft crossing to France. The Deadly Killer Miranda Krestovnikoff joins a one thousand-year-old battle between men and fish in Hastings, and shares some of the tricks of the fishermen's trade. Careful, fishermen of Hastings, she'll have your hand off if you're not aware. Mark Horton visits Rottingdean, to peek over Rudyard Kipling's garden wall and Nick Crane explores the geology of the Isle of Wight, England's largest island. It is SO good to have this brilliant, charming show back. Proper British public service broadcasting that is entertaining, educational and informative. You wouldn't get something like this on TV anywhere else in the world and, even if you did, it certainly would never be a hit. Say what you like about the dumbing-down of television standards but, as long as Coast, Timewatch, Dispatches, Time Team and Qi continue to exist, then we're still a way short of 1984 just yet.

What's Really In Our Food? - 9:00 BBC1. Oh. Do we REALLY want to know? Well, food is the most important thing we buy they reckon, so can we trust what we are buying and eating? Reporters Tom Heap and Simon Boazman set off on a mission to find out, revealing the tricks of food labelling and uncovering the murky world of food fraud. There is, of course, something to be said for forgetting what it looks like and simply letting your taste-buds do the work. I mean, I like a nice Chow Mein, personally. Even if it does look like fried worms with green bits. Did I really say that?

Freefall - 9:00 BBC2 - is a much-trailed drama tackling the extraordinary financial crisis we are currently living through. Shot by multiple-BAFTA winning director Dominic Savage, the film takes a startling and provocative look at events that caused our lives to spiral out of control. This stars Dominic Cooper, Aidan Gillen, and Bond girl Rosamund Pike, among others and looks tremendous. See what I mean about this being a very good week for top quality drama?

Wednesday 15 July
For what I was saying about Coast in Tuesday's preview, see also Who Do You Think You Are? back at 9:00 on BBC1 on Wednesday. The latest series of the celebrity genealogy show kicks off with Davina McCall making some intriguing discoveries as she delves into her family's past. As a child of divorced parents, Davina, who is half-French, was brought up by her paternal grandmother and knows very little about her maternal French heritage. She also wants to find out if there is any truth behind the story that the English side of her family is descended from royal blood. Her journey does take her to Windsor, but not in the way that she expected. Later in the series Davey Mitchell (fast becoming omnipresent of TV at the moment), Martin Freeman and Katie Humble are among other personalities who get to find out who they are and how they came to be. Brilliant stuff.

Another particular favourite of Top Telly Tips is The Culture Show - 7:00 BBC2. In the latest episode, Miranda Sawyer presents from the Manchester International Festival. Art critic Alastair Sooke puts himself through a four hour live art experience curated by artist Marina Abramovic at the Whitworth Gallery. Zaha Hadid converts the Manchester Art Gallery into a new chamber music hall for the solo works of Bach and there is a performance by violinist Alina Ibragimova. Rufus Wainwright talks about his first opera, Prima Donna - a collaboration with Opera North - which gets its world premiere on 10 July 2009 and Dancer Carlos Acosta prepares to perform new work at the festival exploring the idea of the male muse in ballet. There is also a profile of the Young at Heart Chorus, twenty five singers in their seventies and eighties. They have been rehearsing a brand new show for the Manchester Festival based on iconic Manchester songs by bands as diverse as Buzzcocks, The Smiths and Oasis. All that plus Film Club with Big Quiffed Marky Kermode and Simon Mayo. Fantastic stuff but, where's Wor Luscious Lovely Lauren? The Culture Show just isn't The Culture Show without her.

Seaside Rescue - 8:00 BBC1 - is a documentary series following Britain's maritime rescue services. In Brixham, a lifeboat launches into a storm to help a local trawler stranded in savage seas with no power and no steering. A rescue helicopter is scrambled to a fisherman who has been dragged off the rocks by a wave near Padstow, and goes to the aid of a Royal Marine who has fallen from a cliff. Royal National Lifeboat Institution lifeguards race to a man being swept out to sea by Perranporth's notorious currents.

Thursday 16 July
New Tricks the hugely popular and wryly witty police drama about an eccentric group of ex-detectives brought out of retirement to investigate unsolved crimes (and starring three of my favourite actors ... and Dennis Waterman) returns at 9:00 on BBC1. Brian (the always brilliant Alun Armstrong) reluctantly goes into rehab to treat his recurring alcoholism, but a chance remark leads the rest of the UCOS team to join him as they re-investigate the death of a heroin addict at the clinic nine years earlier. Great. Well-written, superbly acted, gentle and very undemanding. Just... do something about Mr Waterman's theme tune, will you please, it's dreadful!

In The Death of Respect - 11:20 BBC2 - John Ware asks what has happened to British values and behaviour over the last fifty years? Britain leads Europe in everything from brand awareness and rates of obesity, to celebration of crass celebrity culture, public drunkenness, drug use, sexually transmitted infections and family breakdown. And, that's even before we get to the fact that Piers Morgan is alive and getting paid as well. There is also far less intervention in acts of public nuisance than there used to be whilst mutual mistrust between adults and children is growing. As is an alarming lack of respect by the public for most figures of authority like the police and politicians. Just how did Britain get to where it is today - a nation of rude, obnoxious, angry, bolshy, bone-thick, lardy, junkie scum who know more about Jade Goody than they do about Barack Obama? Good question - a worthwhile question to ask even if you don't agree with the premise. What a pity, therefore, that the BBC have chosen to schedule this show in a graveyard slot instead of putting it on earlier opposite Big Brother, for instance.

And lastly, BBC2's still putting most of their effort into the 'Thursday night is Comedy night' thing they've got going with the excellent Mock the Week, That Mitchell and Webb Look and Psychoville. Or, given what we were talking about earlier with The Death of Respect, you may actually prefer Big Brother. But, if you do then be advised you're in a VERY small minority these days. Alternatively there's another Qi marathon on Dave (three episodes tonight). Always a reliable back up for quite nights that.

Let's finish off with a few bits of Top Telly News: Gordon Ramsay has insisted that he does not deserve the tabloid backlash he has suffered in recent months. Reflecting on the controversies in an interview with the Daily Mail, Ramsay stated 'I'm human, aren't I? I'm not a f*cking saint. I don't walk round with a halo but, then, I've never claimed to. And yes, these last months have had me asking: "Am I really as horrendous a person as people seem to think?"' How do you want people to answer that, Gordon? The 'nice' answer or the truth?

Total Wipeout host Richard Hammond has admitted that he isn't either brave or stupid enough to take on the show's obstacle course. Speaking to We Love Telly! magazine, he noted: 'What do you want me to do, admire the people who do it? They're lunatics. Why would you do that to yourself? Watching The Sweeper, you're doubled up and cringing - not with sympathy, just imagining: "God, what if I was doing it?' And it's a relief that you're not. I've conceded that it is marginally terrifying."' Sensible hamster.

Big Brother producers are reportedly launching an investigation into allegations that recently evicted housemate Sree was a bully. According to the Daily Star, the Indian student upset viewers when he mocked fellow housemate Freddie's learning difficulties during an argument. When Freddie asked Sree to use less garlic in his cooking, Sree shouted: 'You're a dyslexic student from Oxford! What's fifteen times fifteen?' He also reported branded Freddie a 'madman' and an 'idiot.'

Dannii Minogue has described the X Factor judges' infamous meeting with Britney Spears last year as 'hysterical.' She revealed how she, Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Cheryl Cole were lined up outside Spears' dressing room 'like naughty schoolchildren. We were all like little kids at the principal's office,' Minogue told Metro. 'There were so many security guards and PR people and they had to block the whole corridor before she could come out the door.' is it just me who finds the words 'Dannii Mingoue' and 'naughty schoolchildren' in the same sentence - a trip to a whole week of therapy, if ever there was one.

And finally, Volkswagen is attempting to buck the recessionary gloom with a musical TV advert set to Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise's song 'Positive Thinking.' The ad, which VW describes as an 'infectious burst of optimism,' comes as the car industry struggles with a fifty four percent year-on-year drop in production while hard-up consumers back off on making big ticket purchases during the downturn. Volkswagen took the unusual step of making an upbeat ad amid dire financial times – and chose the song which Morecambe and Wise sometimes used to sing over the end credits on their TV show in the 1970s. (When they weren't doing 'Bring Me Sunshine', of course ... Or 'Don't You Agree?')

Feared By The Bad, Loved By The Good. Del Boy's Back!

2009-07-03T17:06:00.012Z

The BBC has, not unexpectedly, cancelled Robin Hood after ratings plunged during the climax of the show's third series. The Tiger Aspect series is the second Saturday tea-time casualty in the past fortnight, following ITV's decision to end Primeval, partly on cost grounds and also as part of a new focus on post-9pm drama. Another ITV family drama, Demons, was also axed after just one series. Because it was crap and nobody watched it. Robin Hood's third season attracted an average audience of 3.6m. The thirteenth, and last, episode however limped to the finish line last weekend when it suffered the indignity of a last-minute move to BBC2 to make way for live coverage of Andy Murray at Wimbledon. Following Jonas Armstrong's decision to leave the show the writers chose to kill off Robin in the final episode, though the mythological aspects of the character had left open the possibility of another actor replacing him - as happened in ITV's classic 1980s adaptation Robin of Sherwood. A BBC spokesman said: 'Viewers have enjoyed three fantastic series of Robin Hood but with the death of Robin in last week's finale, we feel that the show has reached its natural conclusion.' For which read 'we couldn't get shot of this lemon quickly enough.' Shame, actually because - as I've mentioned several times over the last few weeks - it could be a very good little show when it got the mix of comedy, action and drama just right. The series was launched following the BBC's success in reviving Doctor Who for family audiences and helped to bridge the gap between seasons of the Time Lord's adventures. Robin Hood was broadly praised by critics when it debuted on BBC1 in 2006 and over eight and half million viewers tuned in to watch the first episode. Audiences subsequently dropped, however, averaging 5.5 million in the first series, 5.2 million for the second, while the third averaged 4.6 million, not large enough to justify the cost of producing such an expensive show. Andy Zein, managing director of Tiger Aspect, said: 'It is obviously disappointing, but it has had a good innings.' Which, yeah, to be fair that's about as much as many shows can ask for these days unless they're pulling in Doctor Who-style figures - three years and thirty nine episodes. Robin Hood's demise leaves Doctor Who and Merlin, which was recently commissioned for a second series, as the only confirmed Saturday teatime dramas in the pipeline on any UK terrestrial channel. The dearth of drama is beginning to attract criticism from some of the most recognisable names on British television. James Nesbitt, who starred in the three-part BBC Iraq war drama Occupation, screened last month, has said he may have to consider moving to the US because of the lack of work in British TV.

Only Fools and Horses wide-boy Derek Trotter is returning to BBC1 in a comedy drama about his teenage years. Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Chips, set in 1960 and written by Only Fools and Citizen Smith creator John Sullivan, will also focus on Del's 'tarty' mother, Joan ('Britain's answer to Brigitte Bardot') and his workshy father, Reg. Sullivan said it would give viewers an insight 'into why Del and Rodney turned out they way they did.' Filming for the ninety-minute special, which is planned to be shown next year, will start on location in London in August. The Trotter brothers, Del - played by David Jason - and Rodney - played by Nicholas Lyndhurst - first hit television screens in 1981 and, despite an unpromising start, soon became something of British TV institution. Sullivan said the new show would be 'set in the real sixties, before The Beatles and Mary Quant made London the coolest place on the planet. The drama will feature South London at its least glamorous, where money was scarce, the staple diet was rock salmon and chips and the flicks offer the only hint of glamour.' The BBC adedd that, while the Trotter family have not yet moved into their flat in Nelson Mandela House, other familiar settings, including the Nag's Head pub, would appear. The plot will revolve around the release of safe cracker, Freddie Rodbal, from prison after serving a ten-year sentence which will 'ruffle some feathers in the Trotter household.' Teenage versions of other Only Fools characters such as Trigger, Boycie and Denzel will also appear. BBC head of comedy Mark Freeland said the prospect of 'once upon a time in Peckham' was 'incredibly tantalising. Nearly thirty years since Only Fools And Horses hit our screens, now we'll have the chance to see the vivid, bittersweet drama that underpinned the iconic series.' Meanwhile, the BBC has also announced that the classic children's book Just William is to be made into a Sunday afternoon TV series. Just William will be adapted by Men Behaving Badly creator Simon Nye for BBC1.

This summer, BBC4 presents a season of programmes looking at the complex biological war that rages beneath our skin. The season of biology programmes – a mix of dramas, documentaries and archive footage – provides a fascinating look at the biological discoveries that have shaped the modern world and our attitudes towards religion and the enduring question of where we come from. The biology season delves into this captivating subject with a documentary series examining the building block of all life in the universe, the cell. In two moving dramas, the season explores the little-known stories of two medical heroes. Spanish Flu – The Forgotten Fallen, with an outstanding cast that includes Bill Paterson, Mark Gatiss and Ken Cranham, pays tribute to the public health pioneer Dr James Niven and his efforts to protect the people of Manchester from the 1918 influenza pandemic, The drama was written by Peter Harness (City of Vice). Breaking The Mould, meanwhile, stars The Wire's Dominic West and follows the work of Professor Howard Florey and his team, who persevered against all odds to make penicillin an applicable medicine. From the archives, BBC4 draws on Casualty 1906 and its two sequels, which explore the historical stories of life on the wards early in the Twentieth century. Finally, a Horizon special charts forty years of documentary footage on the science of viruses and pandemics. Richard Klein, BBC4's controller, says: 'BBC4 has dedicated a season of programmes to a complex subject that has yielded life-changing discoveries and changed the way we look at ourselves. By exploring the importance of the cell – the basis of all life – and the social impact of two of the most important biological events in history, the season will offer us a richer understanding of the impact that biology can have on our lives.'

Veteran ITN news presenter Alastair Stewart has attacked the BBC, saying it would benefit from a 'Beeching-style enquiry' to assess whether all its services are really 'necessary and viable.' The BBC needed a 'shake-up' to help protect the plurality of news provision across the country as the commercial sector suffered a tough economic climate, Stewart told the North-West region CBI dinner in Liverpool last night. 'In extreme circumstances we need unusual solutions and this is just such a circumstance,' said Stewart, currently a presenter on the ITN-produced ITV London news and regularly presents ITV lunchtime news. So, no obvious and rather pernicious self-interest there, then. Perhaps Mr Stewart's ire would be better served by questioning his own network's decision to drop regional news coverage. Or, he could just carry on tongue-rimming them, I suppose. Either/or. Stewart welcomed recommendations made by Lord Carter's final Digital Britain report last month to top-slice the licence fee to help pay for ITV local news services (of course he did), saying the corporation had come to regard the TV licence as 'the BBC licence.'

The Bill star Simon Rouse has claimed that the show does not need to compete with US crime drama CSI. Which is a good job, really because in any like-on-like face off The Bill's going to lose. Badly. I mean, really badly. Speaking to What's On TV, Rouse - Jack Meadows on the ITV cop drama and a really excellent actor in this bloggers opinion, let it be noted - said that The Bill's new post-watershed timeslot does not mean that the two programmes are now in competition. 'Why do we want to compete with them? I love American shows but they are very different people, they're much more cartoon-like. We're not like that, we're a bit more subtle and ironic,' he said. Yeah, valid point, I guess. 'We're an English cop show. I think people get worried about "are we as good as..." I think we're very, very good and I'm very proud of what we do.' Good on ya, Sime. But, I'm still going to be watching CSI in preference.

Channel 4's coverage of Michael Jackson's death has divided viewers, with questions raised both about the amount of air-time given over to the pop star and of whether Big Brother housemates should have been told. Tribute programme Michael Jackson: A Life of Pop was C4's most praised programme in June, with twelve messages of support. However, it also attracted seventeen complaints, both from those who argued, in one viewer's words, that 'it was yet another example of celebrity culture taking over' and from fans who wanted a more meaningful tribute. Some criticised the channel's decision to broadcast the programme twice in two days. Some viewers also questioned the amount of time Channel 4 News gave to the story. As one viewer put it: 'Mention Michael Jackson's death by all means, but the lead story? Is there no crisis in Iran or Zimbabwe?' The BBC, meanwhile, reportedly received more than seven hundred complaints about its coverage of Jackson's death, with viewers claiming there was too much of it across the network's news programming. However, the head of the BBC newsroom, Mary Hockaday, defended the output, saying Jackson was a major international figure and the coverage was not to the exclusion of other stories. One senior BBC source revealed that there were ten to fifteen times more complaints received from viewers about Jackson than about BBC executives' expenses, which were published for the first time last week. BBC News channel went into rolling mode as reports of Jackson's death broke on late Thursday night in the UK, with the story dominating bulletins throughout Friday and the following weekend. News specials were also aired on BBC1 and BBC2 on Friday night. Hockaday described Jackson as a 'huge figure, internationally' and said BBC News 'went into gear to report a big breaking news story.'

The Royle Family actor Geoffrey Hughes is set to serve real royals after being appointed Deputy Lord Lieutenant for the Isle of Wight. The comedy actor, who played Twiggy in the BBC sitcom, lives in Newport and will deputise at formal engagements. Hughes, sixty five, also starred as slobbish Onslow in Keeping Up Appearances and was a genuine cult figure in the 1970s playing Stan and Hilda Ogden's lodger, Eddie Yates in Coronation Street. He was also the voice of Paul McCartney in The Beatles animated movie Yellow Submarine. He told the BBC he was 'absolutely thrilled' to have been asked and it was 'a great honour.' Hughes had been a regular visitor to the island, before moving there from the Wirral in 2003.

So How Much ARE Kate Garraway And Len Goodman Worth, Then?

2009-07-02T20:18:00.012Z

Judges on BBC1's Strictly Come Dancing are expecting to be asked to take a pay cut for the next series, Len Goodman has stated. The show's chief judge told Radio Ulster he did not mind 'if they knock off a couple of bob.' Goodman said he was 'enjoying life' after an operation three weeks ago to remove a cancerous tumour in his prostate. Earlier this month, various BBC employees - including Strictly Come Dancing presenter Bruce Forsyth and Sir Terry Wogan - were warned to expect their salaries to be cut when their contracts were renewed as part of the BBC's plan to save money. 'I understand, we are in the middle of a recession,' Goodman said. 'The job's brilliant. It's not exactly working on the docks - which I did for ten year years - is it? It's a joy so anything I get I always feel a bit of a fraud so I don't mind if they knock off a couple of bob.' He added: 'It's not arduous. I'm not digging ditches am I? I'm only sitting there saying, "lift your leg up and keep your head up higher."' A BBC spokesman added: 'We never discuss individual contracts. However, we have been clear that, as part of wider efficiency savings, we have a firm commitment to reduce the total amount we spend on top talent in the coming years.' The BBC has refused to confirm tabloid press reports that Arlene Phillips will be replaced by the show's 2007 winner Alesha Dixon on the judging panel. I have to note that I think it's going to be a wee bit more than 'a couple of bob' that they're planning on cutting it by, Len. But, I must admit, that is a moderately refreshing attitude to hear in this day and age of want, want, want. See below for one - alleged - example.

On a marginally related note, Joe Calzaghe is set to swap the boxing ring for the dance floor after signing up for the new series of Strictly, according to BBC Wales. The undefeated world super middleweight champion is expected to join the BBC1 show later this year. Calzaghe, from Newbridge, retired from the ring after defeating American Roy Jones Jnr in New York last autumn. A source close to Strictly Come Dancing is reported to have said: 'Producers think Joe has amazing sex appeal. He's in great shape and very competitive. He'll want to win, even when it comes to the waltz, samba and cha-cha-cha.' That doesn't, really, sound to me like the way any 'real person' would actually talk but, you know, let's call it journalistic licence. The boxing star would follow a series of sportsmen who have been successful in the BBC show including cricketers Darren Gough and Mark Ramprakash, rugby players Matt Dawson and Austin Healey and hurdler Colin Jackson. Calzaghe's TV profile has been increasing in recent months following his appearance alongside son in an advert for Nintendo. He has also won the final of ITV's Beat the Star, securing £130,000 for the Latch children's cancer charity and Beatbullying.

The former Sopranos star Drea De Matteo is to join the cast of Desperate Housewives for its sixth series. No information has been released about her character, but EW.com reports she will play an Italian matriarch whose husband is a landscape designer. The thirty seven-year-old Italian-American actress also played Matt LeBlanc's sister in the Friends spin-off Joey.

Independent TV producers have singled out ITV as the most difficult broadcaster to deal with in the current economic downturn. According to Broadcast's Surviving the Downturn survey, forty percent of producers claimed ITV was commissioning fewer programmes than any other network, ahead of Five, which was named by twenty four percent. Almost half said ITV was imposing the biggest cuts to individual programme budgets of any broadcaster. Channel 4 was mentioned by nineteen percent. The broadcaster also came under fire for its desire to operate outside of the terms of trade. Ofcom has taken the unusual step of investigating this as part of its review of ITV's network arrangements. One respondent summed up the mood, noting 'They are asking for more but expecting to pay less.' An ITV spokesman said he was 'baffled' that producers saw ITV as the broadcaster least prepared to commission. 'Notwithstanding the current economic climate, we still have the largest programming budget of any UK commercial broadcaster and have never stopped commissioning,' he said. This directly contradicts statements made by ITV's executive chairman Michael Grade who told a Voice of the Listener and Viewer conference in May that ITV was overstocked, and it has recently aired shows that were shelved years ago, such as Dating the Enemy and Holiday Showdown, alongside cheap acquisitions such as the Australian Ladette to Lady. One prominent entertainment indie executive said ITV entertainment controller John Kaye Cooper had told him there was no money to commission shows to air before September 2010 and a creative director at another production company said he had stopped pitching to ITV Entertainment in favour of its factual and daytime team, which still had a limited commissioning pot. ITV said it would meet suppliers in mid-July to outline what it is looking for and the slots available. 'We want the best ideas, at the best prices, from the best suppliers,' the spokesman said.

The Bill's iconic theme tune will be scrapped as part of its 9pm relaunch, which will also see the ITV show's one hundred and eighty-strong production team halved. Talkback Thames head of drama and The Bill executive producer Johnathan Young outlined an overhaul that will see the show cut down on dialogue, introduce incidental music and change its theme tune. He said: 'We want the new theme music to get the audience to concentrate a bit more and focus. It will be something that slows you down a bit and prepares you for something a bit more emotional.' The changes are the result of ITV changing its drama spending priorities and opting to run the show once a week at 9pm rather than twice a week at 8pm. It is likely to move slots this month. The result is fifty two episodes a year rather than ninety six, and forty five Talkback Thames staff having been made redundant. The contracts for a further forty five freelancers on the show have also been ended.

The History Channel has secured its first co-production with ITV as part of a group-wide strategy to team up with other UK broadcasters for large-scale documentaries. The sixty-minute Outbreak looks at the first twenty four hours following the outbreak of the Second World War and is being made by ITV Studios to mark the day's Seventieth anniversary in early September. The documentary is fully funded by the two broadcasters, with ITV putting in more than half of the budget. The partnership builds on The History Channel's recent tie-up with Channel 4 to equally fund feature-length docs that premiere in More4's True Stories strand. The first, Kenyan Murder Mystery, aired on More4 and the Crime and Investigation Network in Africa on the same day and on C&IN UK a week later. C4 and The History Channel are collaborating on two further projects, including Michael Atwell's Skin (working title), about a white South African girl accused by her teacher of being 'too black.'

BBC1 has turned down a revival of 1980s sitcom Don't Wait Up, in which Nigel Havers would have reprised his role as Tom Latimer. The BBC hosted a read-through with Havers for a new version, by original writer George Layton, under working title Second Opinion. In Don't Wait Up, Dr Latimer worked alongside his father, but in the revival he was to have been working with his daughter. The BBC rejected the DLT Entertainment project following controller of comedy commissioning Lucy Lumsden's move to Sky1.

Michael Emerson has predicted a sad ending for Lost. Speaking to Entertainment Weekly, the actor - Benjamin Linus in the ABC series - said that he does not believe the show will finish on a high note. 'I don't think Lost will have a happy ending,' he revealed. 'It's the end and I think we are going to start seeing more casualties. I would put money on major characters being killed. I believe it will be a sad ending to the show - or at least bittersweet.' He added: 'I think it will definitely be a series finale for grownups.'

Yvette Fielding is teaming up with Paul O'Grady for a new Living show titled Death In Vegas. The two-hour special - due to air in October - will see the pair investigate the haunted location of Poveglia, Venice to decide if there is any truth to its reputation as a hot spot for vampires and ghosts. No, there isn't. That's saved them a trip and you, two hours of lives that you'll never get back having to watch it. As part of its summer schedule, Living will also air new series of both America's Next Top Model and Make Me A Supermodel. Wedding competition show Four Weddings - featuring a selection of celebrity weddings - forms part of the new season, along with a two-part reality special starring Pamela Anderson and Joe Swash. Additionally, an eight-episode dating programme, Dating In The Dark, has been commissioned, in which people are sent on blind dates in a pitch black room. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, somebody actually got PAID for thinking up that idea. There is no justice, no honour and no decency in the world.

Kate Garraway has reportedly threatened to quit her GMTV job if her wages are cut. The presenter, who is pregnant with her second child, is due to have her contract renewed next month. According to the Daily Mirror, Garraway is 'outraged' over suggestions to cut her £280,000 salary by around seventy thousand pounds. I wonder if Kate happens to have a few quid spare which she could loan to viewers so they can buy some hankies to wipe away the tears they're crying for her at this juncture? A source close to Garraway is quoted as saying: 'The deal was a shocker. Kate's agent is prepared to pull her from GMTV if they continue along these lines as the station is still hugely profitable and they're just using the credit crunch as an excuse.' However, a show insider insisted that cuts must be made, saying: 'GMTV is saving money all over the place - in this climate presenters will be nuts not to accept what they are offered. These figures are happening across the industry.' Earlier this year, forty two-year-old Garraway was forced to deny claims that she was involved in a feud with her GMTV colleague Emma Crosby.

CSI: Miami's return to Five last night pulled in the bafflingly popular drama's best ever UK ratings, early figures suggest. The seventh season debut, in which it was revealed that Horatio - played by David Caruso - and his sunglasses - played by a pair of sunglasses which regularly act David Caruso off-screen - had faked his/their own death, attracted 3.77m (18.2%) to Five, making it the most-watched programme during the 9pm hour.

Peter Salmon, director of BBC North, revealed the rough recipe for success in Salford: one third of the two-and-a-half thousand strong workforce will be made up of current BBC Manchester staff, one third from London, and one third will be recruited from around the regions, most likely, the north. Salmon was being questioned by Richard Bacon in the keynote discussion at the Showcomotion Children's Media Conference in Sheffield. 'I want to inject some new blood into the BBC,' he said. Salmon, in his first public discussion since taking up the new post, was lucky to arrive on time after being involved in a minor car accident on his route north. The aim of the three-day conference is to discuss children's media and entertainment in the broadcast and online industries. Bacon began his line of questioning by fondly remembering his time on Blue Peter which, as we know, 'didn't end well.' His humorous approach didn't last, however, as he presented a hard line on the future of CBBC at MediaCityUK. Both Blue Peter and Newsround are suffering from being pushed to an earlier time slot in the schedule and Saturday morning television is now the domain of bacon and salmon on cookery programmes, rather than children's cartoons such as Rhubarb and Custard. 'None of us feel good that older slabs of children's programmes has been damaged by moving them in the schedule but children's is a large chunk of the licence fee, and will be a central piece in the Salford move,' says Salmon. 'It's not dying a slow death. It looks and feels as good as it's ever done.' He admitted the drop in figures 'is an issue we need to crack.' In front of an audience which included many representatives from independent production companies, Bacon asked if moving Children's away from the commissioners in the capital was a wise idea. 'We're moving to the heart of the UK though,' said Salmon. 'Children's will be utterly cherished in Salford. MediaCity is not going to be a sub post office; it will be a huge media destination.'

What's That Skip? You're Making HOW Much From Merchandising Rights?

2009-07-01T19:00:00.014Z

It's another hot dog-dangling day on the estate (albeit, one with thunderstorms and flash floods) as Britain verily broils and stews in its own collective juices. So let's have some hot Top Telly News to go along with it. Or, clammy Top Telly News at any rate.

One of the stars of Skippy has lost a court battle over profits from the legendary Australian show. Tony Bonner, who played the helicopter pilot Jerry King in the 1960s series, had been seeking a pay-out of seven hundred and fifty thousand Australian dollars (£367,950). But a judge in Sydney dismissed the case, saying Bonner had no rights to monies from DVD and merchandise sales. Skippy, of course, followed the exploits of a brave little bush kangaroo, its young owner Sonny and the rangers of the Waratah National Park. The popular children's show aired in Australia from 1965 to 1968 and was shown in more than one hundred other countries. Bonner decided to sue Fauna Productions last year, claiming he had missed out on a reasonable share of the profits. 'When I signed the agreement with them for production in 1967, VHS was not even heard of, let alone DVDs or the Internet,' he said at the time. However, Supreme Court Justice Ian Gzell said the actor, now sixty five, had been paid for his services with the A$140 weekly salary he earned in 1968. When asked to comment, Skippy noted 'ccckkkk, ccckkkk, ccckkkk.'

It is, of course, very wrong to crow about such things I know, but ITV suffered its worst seven days of ratings in its fifty four-year history last week. According to initial ratings figures, ITV pulled in an overnight share of 16.1 percent for the week ending 28 Sunday June. This compares with a previous weekly low of 16.13 percent, recorded three weeks ago. The ITV flagship channel also had its worst ever week for the key upmarket ABC1 demographic, with just a 13.6 percent share of the advertiser-friendly group. Last week's bad ratings have been put down to a largely uninspiring schedule of repeats and cheaper factual shows, with a distinct lack of programming aimed at the key sixteen to thirty four-year-old demographic according to the Guardian. The only first-run dramas outside the continuing series Coronation Street, Emmerdale and The Bill were Kingdom and The Royal. Meanwhile, the first week of the BBC's Wimbledon coverage sucked away older viewers, and ITV did not have any sports events of its own to lure people in. BBC1 has beaten ITV in daytime ratings for some years and the commercial channel has relied on its peak time output to prop up its share. However, last week no show pulled in more than four and a half million in the key 9pm hour, while Coronation Street's five editions were the only ITV shows to exceed the six million mark. The ratings lows have quickly followed the highs that ITV had via Britain's Got Talent last month, with its final results programme claiming over seventeen million viewers – the highest-rating TV programme on any channel since England played in the Euro 2004 football tournament. To compound the channel's misery, June is looking to be one of its worst full months ever, just behind August last year – when the BBC's Beijing Olympics coverage steamrollered the opposition.

Former Emmerdale star Matt Healy will make a guest appearance in BBC1's medical drama Casualty according to Digital Spy. Healy, who played Yorkshire businessman Matthew King for four years from 2004 until the character was murdered just before Christmas 2008, will take on the role of an unsympathetic policeman called Callaghan in the third episode of the new series.

The actress Mollie Sugden has died at the age of eighty six at the Royal Surrey Hospital after a long illness. Sugden was best known for playing the cat-loving Mrs Slocombe in the long-running BBC sitcom Are You Being Served? and its shorter-lived sequel, Grace and Favour. The actress also appeared in The Liver Birds, Coronation Street and, let us never forget, Come Back Mrs Noah among many other roles in a small-screen career spanning nearly fifty years.

And, in another 'we lost one of the greats, today' moments, the Los Angeles Times reports the death of Karl Malden at the age of ninety seven. A versatile and popular actor, Malden built a six-decade Hollywood career playing both heroes and heavies. He won an Oscar for his magnetic supporting performance to Brando in 1951's A Streetcar Named Desire and appeared in classic movies as diverse as On the Waterfront, Baby Doll, I Confess, The Birdman of Alcatraz, How the West Was Won, One-Eyed Jacks and The Cincinnati Kid. On television, he was best known for his role as the hardened and wise-cracking detective Mike Stone in Quinn Martin's The Streets of San Francisco from 1972 to 1977. During the 1980's he was spokesperson for American Express, reminding cardholders 'Don't leave home without it' in a series of well-remembered adverts. Malden's last acting role was in 2000 in the acclaimed Take This Sabbath Day episode of The West Wing. Malden portrayed a Catholic priest opposite his friend Martin Sheen in a key scene set in The Oval Office. He used the same Bible that he had in On the Waterfront fifty years earlier.

Cutting the new series of Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood to five episodes from thirteen felt like 'we were being punished,' its star John Barrowman has said. The BBC has stated that it 'wanted to create a powerful sense of event' with Children of Earth, which will start next Monday. Which is fair enough in a sort of 'yes, but that doesn't actually answer the question of why you're making eight less episodes this year than last' kind-of way, I suppose. Barrowman told Radio Times: 'I'm going to get a little political and I'll probably get into trouble for it.' Yep. That's any chance of season four now hanging by a very thin thread I'd've said, John. Nice work, matey! He added that Torchwood's first series had been 'the most successful show on BBC3 ever' and, as a result, had been moved to BBC2 where 'we were beating shows that had been on BBC2 for a long time. The decision was made to go to BBC1 and then we were cut.' Barrowman said the new episodes were 'incredible, I have no doubt about that. But personally, I felt like we were being punished.' The show's creator Russell T Davies told the magazine: 'Part of us thought, "we could do another thirteen episodes, we've learnt how to do that, and the second series was better than the first. But why not change it?"' He added that if the show was made in the US, 'they'd try to keep it going for seven years, doing the same thing every week. It's the British audience we make these for. And I don't think audiences are remotely lost by a change in format.'

Five executive Dawn Airey has warned that if British broadcasters fail to build mutually beneficial partnerships 'the creators and providers of UK content are not so much looking at a perfect storm as staring into the abyss.' Speaking at the IEA Future of Broadcasting Conference, Airey urged the industry to 'co-operate in areas of mutual interest to build new markets in which we are able to compete – and then return to stabbing each other in the back over the broadcast schedules.' She pointed out that if Project Canvas and Marquee have to sit in a 'limbo land' of endless approvals processes and competition tests, the “major beneficiary” is likely to be an American company such as Hulu. Airey continued: 'Hulu is the biggest success story of the web over the past 12 months. And why has it succeeded? Because three ferociously competitive global media players – Fox, NBC Universal and now Disney-ABC – are grown up enough to know that there is a time to compete and fight likes rats in a sack for audience share and there is a time to put aside your differences and form partnerships that are mutually beneficial.'

Having made the suggestion the other day that Davina McCall start looking for another job after the ratings disaster-area that the current series of Big Brother has turned into, it would seem she's taken my advice. But, she faces some stiff competition. Holly Willoughby and Davina are reportedly battling it out to take over from Fern Britton on This Morning. According to the Daily Mail, ITV has narrowed down a long list of potential replacements - which included Fiona Phillips, Mel Sykes and Gabby Roslin - to McCall and Dancing On Ice host Willoughby. A source is quoted as saying: 'There are good reasons for having either one of them - they appeal in different ways. We are in a buyer's market for this job and talent are not dumb. They know it is a very good gig.'

Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans will be interested to hear about the forthcoming True Blood, which is promised to be 'a sexy vampire drama in the style of Twilight' from the US starring that divine vision of minxy loveliness Anna Paquin (Almost Famous) and Ryan Kwanten. The series premieres on FX in about a fortnight and Channel 4 have confirmed they've got the terrestrial rights and will start showing the series in October.

And so to this week's thoroughly wretched, cancerous, humourless non-story attack on some aspect of Top Gear at MediaGuardian - a regular topical occurance as long-term blog readers will know. This was, apparently, the work of one Jill Insley. Check it out and see what you think. I reckon it's about as thoroughly substandard a bit of objective journalism as I've read this decade, quite besides being an almost Stalinist-style rewriting of history. Though others may, of course, disagree. It's based on a complete non-issue for a kick-off and the main thrust of the piece was actually addressed within the show itself. It's an article which appears to be entirely designed to appeal to a few hippy scum liberals in Islington (well, it is the Gruniad, I suppose, that could be regarded to 'hitting their target audience') and to give a bit of free publicity to some woman from an insurance company called Hayley. I wonder if she and Comrade Jill are friends outside work? Possibly not. It's lovely to see the Gruniad still happily sharing a bed and giving it some stroky-trombone with the Daily Mail in their mutual loathing of The Gear. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, even if they are right wing scumbags isn't it guys? That was Stalin's excuse in 1939, anyway. It is nice, however, to see a bit of positive counter-reaction from the readership in the comments section. Jill getting a bit jacked there. Horrorshow.

According to the Mirror today, Channel 4 are now so skint that The Paul O'Grady Show may be going back to ITV when the current contract comes up for renewal at the end of the year.

North One's hidden camera series My Little Soldier has been renamed Tarrant Lets the Kids Loose after securing the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? host for the show. As revealed in Broadcast, UKTV was courting Tarrant to front the eight episode show for Watch, taking over from Bradley Walsh who presented a pilot which was originally made for ITV. Always a popular entry in the 'about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition' column is Tarrant. Rumours that the title Chris Tarrant Touches Kids was considered but then dropped may, or may not, be true. I couldn't possibly comment. The broadcaster has secured Tarrant following the departure of its previous high profile signings Richard and Judy. The series invites children to try out adult jobs such as running a café, a radio station or a hairdressers – unaware that cameras are following them. Only when they sit in the live studio audience with their families will they discover that their unusual day was for a TV show. So, nice to see a bit of child victimisation on the TV schedules there. Albeit, nowhere near as funny as BSB's legendary Kids Court. UKTV director of entertainment commissioning Lisa Perrin, who commissioned the show, described it as 'wonderfully heart-warming and capricious.' She added: 'It takes you from laughter to tears and back in every single episode. You just can’t second guess the reactions of the children as they delight in their new-found Independence.' Tarrant added: 'Kids are funny, magical and always surprising. What parent hasn't told an anecdote about the funny things their children say? This show totally captures the spirit and the inherent comedy of children – it's the kind of family entertainment I love.' The series begins filming in front of a live studio audience in July and will premiere on Watch in October. Just kill me now.

Bloody Tennis!

2009-06-30T08:11:00.015Z

As expected, poor little Robin Hood's third series ended on Saturday with the show's lowest ever overnight audience. The series finale - which saw Jonas Armstrong's titular character killed off in a suitably dramatic style - was shunted onto BBC2 to make way for Wimbledon coverage on BBC1. The episode drew just 2.19m (a twelve percent audience share). The scheduling chaos, of course, continued last night when Andy Murray's latest 'exciting five-setter' went on and on and on until nearly eleven o'clock causing most of BBC1's shows to be moved over to BBC2 (including EastEnders, something which I'll bet didn't go down well with The Walford Massive) and sending a wrecking ball through the latter's schedule. I was upset, personally. All I wanted to see was Sue Perkins dressed as Betty Page on The Supersizers, is that so very wrong? Yeah, okay, don't answer that. Anyway, live coverage of Murray's victory on Monday night pulled in an average audience of 8.6 million (38.8 percent share) with a peak at 10.30pm of 11.8m viewers, (53.9 percent). In the first match to be played in its entirety with the roof closed over Centre Court, Murray - the third seed - finally defeated Switzerland's Stanislas Wawrinka at 10.38pm, the latest ever Wimbledon finish. Coverage of the fourth round match started on BBC Two at 6.40pm before moving to BBC1 at shortly before seven o'clock and completely buggering up the schedules on both sides thereafter for the rest of the night.

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is to deliver a lecture at the MediaGuardian Edinburgh International Television Festival in August. Jezza's session will see him and Top Gear executive producer Andy Wilman exploring the reasons why the show is consistently BBC2's highest-rated programme. Cos it's brilliant, or is that too simplistic? Jeez, that's the Gruniad for you, they'll go to the far of a fart to find an obvious answer. In other sessions, Internet entrepreneurs including Kristian Segerstråle, chief executive and co-founder of Playfish, Patrick Walker, director of video partnerships at Google, and Peter Bazalgette, the former Endemol executive who is now a non-executive director of My Video Rights, will offer their insight into building commercial businesses on the web and explain how the TV industry needs to change to create a successful online business. Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin, the writer/producers of the critically acclaimed BBC sitcom Outnumbered, will reflect on thirty years in British comedy, from their early careers writing sketch comedy on shows like Not The Nine O'Clock News and Who Dares Wins to their groundbreaking newsroom satire Drop The Dead Donkey. The prospect of the BBC becoming the UK's only public service TV news provider will be examined in That Was the News That Was, chaired by ITV newsreader Julie Etchingham, with panellists including Chris Birkett, executive editor at Sky News, and John Hardie, chief executive at ITN. Britain's complaining culture over issues of taste and decency will also be examined by comedians Frank Skinner and Lucy Porter in a lighthearted session entitled Whose Whine Is It Anyway? Using the Ofcom complaints list as a guide, the panellists will work as an 'alternative Ofcom committee' to uphold or reject the complaints. The festival takes places between 29 and 31 August.

It's been revealed that the upcoming final season of Lost will run to eighteen episodes. ABC confirmed the news, meaning that the show's sixth season will have one hour more than was originally planned. According to Entertainment Weekly, the final season will include a two-hour premiere and a two-hour finale. Keith Telly Topping likes this news greatly. These things are important to him.

Keo Films is to bring five Amish youths to Britain in a follow-up to Channel 4's 'reverse anthropology' series, Meet the Natives which proved to be such an unexpected hit with viewers last year. The four-part series, conceived as 'When the Amish met the English,' will take youths from different Amish communities in the US who are at the point in their lives known as 'Rumspringa,' when they are supposed to gain worldly experience. As with the Pacific islanders in Meet the Natives, the young people will spend four weeks in various British households that include people of the same age, including an Essex beauty therapist. Meet the Amish (still a working title at this stage) aims to throw up as many cultural observations about the hosts as it does about their foreign visitors. Channel 4 deputy head of documentaries Simon Dickson, who commissioned the series, said: 'The Amish are a notoriously private community and to have been granted this sort of access - where we will be able to understand more about who they are - is really exciting. The series will explore their perceptions of British life and look at how their values and lifestyle differ from our own.'

Sky has strongly hit back against fresh BT criticism about the way in which it operates in the UK's pay TV and broadband markets. The dispute between the two media companies started on Tuesday night when BT linked the failure of Setanta Sports with what its director of strategy Sean Williams told DS was 'market failure' in the UK's pay TV arena. 'Competition in pay-TV in the UK is not working effectively. This gives rise to significant harm to consumers in the form of higher prices, restricted choice and diminished innovation.' Sky's chief operating officer Mike Darcey immediately hit back, accusing BT - and Virgin Media, which made similar comments - of 'cheap opportunism.' He added that both companies were 'hooked on regulation as a substitute for competition and have done nothing to support UK sport,' and that 'they prefer to try to get our channels on the cheap while showing no interest in bidding for rights themselves.' Ooo, get her. Another Sky spokesperson told the Digital Spy website: 'BT needs to get its facts straight before it starts handing out lectures about access to its network ... If ever the day arrives that BT decides to stop whingeing and start competing, it can bid for sports or movie rights with the certainty of a guaranteed reach of nine million potential customers.' Okay, put your claws away girls and back away from the curling tongs.

ITV is to suspend carrying news supplied by ITN on its website from next month after ending its contract, resulting in the loss of five journalists from the content supplier. ITN On, the division of the TV news producer that supplies video and text to websites and mobile internet services, will stop supplying content to the ITV website on 22 July.

Kerry Katona and MTV have 'no plans' for any further TV projects, according to various tabloid reports. Katona has appeared in a number of fly-on-the-wall documentaries for the broadcaster since 2007. Her most recent series - Kerry Katona: What's The Problem? - finished in July. However, according to the Daily Star and MTV themselves, the former Atomic Kitten and I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here winner do not currently have any plans to work together again.

The 1980s battle between the ZX Spectrum and the BBC Micro will be played out in a forthcoming BBC4 comedy drama starring two of Keith Telly Topping's favourite actors, Martin Freeman and Alexander Armstrong. Syntax Era is a ninety-minute drama from Darlow Smithson that tells the story of the rivalry between Sir Clive Sinclair (played by Armstrong) and his former colleague Chris Curry (Freeman). Written by Tony Saint, the film uses archive footage to help illustrate the buzz around Sinclair and Curry's inventions. Classic clips from programmes including John Craven's Newsround showcase the likes of Sinclair's ZX Spectrum, the infamous Sinclair C5 and Curry's triumphant BBC Micro computer demonstrating the influence these men had on Eighties' life. BBC4 controller Richard Klein said: 'Those of us that lived through the Eighties will remember the sense of excitement when gadgets and technology started to appear in our homes, but not many of us will know the fascinating stories behind their arrival.'

Here's one definitely worth keeping an eye open for later - a one-off TV movie called Moonshot about the historic Apollo 11 flight in July 1969. It's an adventurous co-production between ITV and The History Channel and was filmed (in Lithuania) earlier in the year with a top-notch international cast that includes another particular favourite actor of mine (and, of half the women on the planet, it would seem) Buffy the Vampire Slayer's James Marsters playing Buzz Aldrin. This Life's Andrew Lincoln also appears, as Michael Collins, with the Aussie actor Daniel Lapaine as Neil Armstrong. The fabulous Anna Maxwell-Martin also features. I'm looking forward to that one already.

UKTV channel Dave will broadcast live for the first time for the climax of the second series of the Red Bull X-Fighters motorcross world tour. The two-hour finale will come from Battersea Power Station, where seventeen thousand fans are expected to watch twelve riders perform daring stunts as they battle for the world title. The preceding four sixty-minute episodes will show highlights from the tour from Mexico, Canada, Texas and Spain. The five shows will again be hosted by former Ski Sunday presenter Ed Leigh and retired professional mountain biker, Rob Warner.

And, lastly, a couple for the 'miserable old moaners' column: Sean Connery - pictured, right, with his weapon. Put it was will you Sean, eh? - has criticised the BBC for sending more than four hundred staff to the Glastonbury festival (presumably, they all wanted to see Broooooce and E Street band on saturday night and, having witnessed Miami Steve's snakeskin boots myself in close-up I can only say 'decent choice, chaps') but 'not one' to cover the Edinburgh International Film Festival. Speaking to The Scotsman newspaper Connery said: 'Hoots mon, it's a braw och aye, th'nooo... It's oor oil, y'ken, Jimmy?' No, he didn't say that at all, that was a complete lie. Keith Telly Topping wholeheartedly apologises for such crass stereotyping of a national icon. Mr Connery actually said 'Do y'exchpect me to taaaak?' ... Sorry. I'll be serious. He said 'It's supposed to be the British Broadcasting Corporation but it's not, when you look at how many people it sends to Glastonbury. The BBC forgets it is representing four different countries. All I am asking for is equality.' But hang on, Sean, I thought you were a noted and very vocal supporter of Scottish Independence? So, therefore, shouldn't you be wanting less not more English cultural interference in the bonny land of the haggis and the deep fried Mars Bar? Surely some mistake? Or, in your particular case, shurely shome mishtake?

Meanwhile, another bloody malcontent ITV executive chairman Michael Grade has rubbished the BBC's partnership proposals and criticised the corporation's efforts to avoid top-slicing the licence fee. Speaking to the Institute of Economic Affairs, Grade praised the speed with which the Digital Britain report had been put together and backed its proposal to take money from the licence fee to fund regional news coverage that will be broadcast on ITV. Grade said the Ofcom solution was a matter of public policy, but that it was 'the most sensible and practical approach.' He added: 'The BBC Trust and management have set themselves against Ofcom and the Government's proposals, even describing them as "ideologically focused." The Trust and the management seem to have temporarily abandoned their separation, joining together to fight a concerted and, dare one say, ideological campaign to protect the BBC's monopoly over the licence fee.' Which was, of course, exactly what Michael was saying when he had a managerial position at the Beeb just a few years ago, wasn't it? It wasn't? So, that would, therefore, appear to be rather hypocritical and self-serving of him to voice such views now that he's working for the other side, wouldn't it? Self-interest? From a high ranking television executive? I repeat, shurely shome mishtake... Cynical? Moi...?!

Week Twenty Seven: Balls To The Schedules - It's Wimbledon

2009-06-27T18:53:00.015Z

The BBC's apparent complete indifference towards what was still one of their most important shows just a few months ago, Robin Hood (and, their seeming utter contempt for what little audience the show still has), was highlighted earlier this evening. That was when the third season - and, quite probably series - finale of the show was bumped from BBC1's schedules and broadcast on BBC2 whilst the main channel showed some bloody stupid tennis match. (Yeah, I know it was Andy Murray ... but I hate tennis at the best of times and Wimbledon in particular. The whole world stops for it. This isn't, I should stress, another of those very boring 'Oh no, not more sport of TV,' rants that you often see from the more unathletic end of TV fandom - I actually love watching sport on TV. It's the specific sport I'm complaining about in this particular instance! The messing about of a TV show I like for football or cricket I can handle no problem, but tennis?! It'll be ruddy golf next, mark my words.) Quite apart from the absolute chaos that this last minute decision created for the schedules of both channels, it also sort of sums up the last year for Robin Hood. it all began so brightly but it ended unloved and unwanted. I think Jonas, Joe and Richard all got out at the right time, frankly.

STV is said to be confident that its drama Taggart will be recommissioned by ITV – despite extending its financial borrowing facility just in case it isn't. The Scottish ITV franchise holder said in a pre-close trading update on Friday that it was awaiting confirmation of a Taggart commission for 2009. 'Given the strong performance of the show, and the strong return on investment it produces for the ITV network, we are confident about the future of the series,' they stated. Nevertheless, with an eye on the show's future, STV are reported to have renegotiated some parts of its bank facility 'to increase covenant headroom.' The limit has been extended to account for a reduction in earnings in its cinema division and to accommodate 'a potential three million pounds approximate reduction in earnings in the event that Taggart is not commissioned in 2009 and beyond.' ITV said there was 'no truth' in the suggestion the show has been axed. Which, frankly, if I was part of the Taggart production team would make me very worried indeed since that was exactly what the network were saying three weeks before they cancelled Primeval, as blog readers may remember. The future of Taggart has been the subject of intense speculation within the Scottish television industry in recent weeks. Although the show is STV's best known programme, it is commissioned and paid for by the ITV network - not by STV itself. A number of episodes are in the can and ready for transmission but not currently scheduled. This has led to speculation about how many more episodes the ITV network may require and when it may want them to be made. The economic crisis has led to ITV spending less on programmes, reducing the amount of drama it screens and looking at ways of cutting the budgets for existing programmes without reducing their quality. No new episodes of Heartbeat and its sister programme The Royal have been commissioned, though there are still plenty on the shelf for the time being. Meanwhile The Bill, one of ITV's most enduring series, will be cut to just one episode a week later this year while a number of other popular dramas have been axed completely. One industry observer said the problem was that TV dramas were being squeezed in the current economic environment - caught between phenomenally popular programmes such as The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent, staples like Coronation Street and relatively cheap programmes like docusoaps. He also said it was unfortunate that Taggart was STV's only major network programme at the moment which meant that the company risked being over-reliant on it. The loss of Taggart would be a big blow to STV's business plan even though the company has been working hard to win new commissions. Earlier this week, BBC Scotland commissioned the company to make an antiques series which will be shown on BBC2 but drama programmes are more lucrative. They can generate income from, for instance, DVD sales and foreign broadcasters. Taggart is now the world's longest running detective series, even though the title character himself disappeared with the death of actor Mark McManus in 1994. It is arguably the most successful TV programme to have ever been made in Scotland.

Press packs have been released by the BBC concerning five forthcoming dramas from the network. Most of them sound pretty decent, too. Firstly, Dominic Savage has created the BBC's big recession drama, in Freefall, a semi-improvised saga exploring the fallout from the credit crunch. Aidan Gillen (The Wire, Queer as Folk) heads the large ensemble cast as a banker with too much debt. It also stars Dominic Cooper and Die Another Day's Rosamund Pike and is to be broadcast in August.

One drama that I personally am very much looking forward to is a new adaptation of one of my favourite novels, John Wyndham's post-apocalyptic alien-plant-invasion classic The Day of the Triffids. This has been updated by ER writer Patrick Harbinson, with an absolutely stellar cast that includes Dougray Scott, Eddie Izzard (left), Brian Cox, Jason Priestley, Vanessa Redgrave and Joely Richardson. It's due to be broadcast in the autumn and I'll hope to cover that one in some considerable depth a bit nearer to the time.

Desperate Romantics, meanwhile, involves the tangled and complicated lives and loves of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood as Peter Bowker (Occupation) dramatises Franny Moyle's engrossing biography of the groundbreaking Victorian artists. The terrific Rafe Spall (right in Hot Fuzz) and Tom Hollander, among others, don their mutton-chop sideburns with pride. That one's coming in the next few weeks and, again, I'll review it in full when I have an exact transmission date.

Aptly enough, the BBC is just one of several partners in the SF series Defying Gravity, a thirteen-part co-production about an international space mission. Set in the near-future, Ron Livingston from Sex and the City stars and the show is executive produced by Michael Edelstein from Desperate Housewives. Like Freefall, this is due to begin in August. Lastly, costume drama is what the BBC has always done best, but they will be hoping that Jane Austen-fatigue hasn't set in for the viewers just yet as Romola Garai of Atonement, takes the title role in Emma, Austen's comic masterpiece, which is being serialised for the first time since the 1970s. Emma is tentatively scheduled for later this year.

And, now some appallingly bad news for anybody that likes British comedy. Last Of The Summer Wine, the world's longest-running sitcom (if a show that hasn't been even remotely funny since about 1978 can be thus described), has been recommissioned for a further six episodes by Jay Hunt and Lucy Lumsden, former Controller of Comedy. Bad women! Filming will take place this summer in and around the Yorkshire town of Holmfirth, for transmission in 2010. The 'whimsical comedy' (it says here) about a village full of people in the autumn of their years, is written by one of the two Roy Clarke's currently working in television: Not the one who writes all the cutting-edge, clever, media-savvy stuff like Pulaski, Spyder's Web, Flickers and The World of Eddie Weary but, rather, the writer who pens arrant twee nonsense like this, Keeping Up Appearances and Rosie. The fact that these two Roy Clarkes co-incidentally seem to share the same body is one of television's most enduring mysteries - one that even the two Roy's namesake, Arthur C, would struggle to solve. The show stars Peter Sallis, Russ Abbot, Frank Thornton, Brian Murphy, June Whitfield and Burt Kwouk. Mark Freeland, Head of Comedy at the BBC, said: 'I am pleased that Roy Clarke's much loved and unique comedy is once more returning to BBC1.' Clarke himself, noted: 'It's like going home again.'

Reality television mogul Simon Cowell and retail billionaire Sir Philip Green are finalising details of a new company they plan to run together. Cowell has a production company called Syco, which makes shows such as Britain's Got Talent and The X Factor. Sir Philip would add his business acumen as the owner of BHS and Topshop. 'They've been good friends for a long time and there's a good chance they'll be working together,' Cowell's publicist Max Clifford told the BBC. It is understood that the details are likely to be completed in the next month if all goes according to plan.

On Friday night, as every TV network on the planet desperately shuffled their various Michael Jackson tribute shows so that they wouldn't clash with each other something quite remarkable happened in the ratings. A repeat of last week's Top Gear episode (the train-race one) got one hundred thousand more viewers on BBC2 than an eviction episode of Big Brother on Channel 4. I'd start looking for a new job now, if I were you Davina. Sky News, it would seem, was the preferred news channel of choice for coverage of Jackson's sudden death on Thursday evening. According to early ratings figures, the Sky News audience peaked with 761,000 viewers - a 7.8% share - at 11.30pm, around ten minutes after Jackson's death was confirmed. After the peak, Sky News kept an audience of more than half-a-million for the following hour. BBC News experienced a similar spike in the ratings but peaked lower, with 600,000 at 11.55pm.

The Premier League has waded into the simmering row between BSkyB and Ofcom, claiming the regulator's plan to review its rights auction process is an attempt to fix something that isn't broken. As part of Ofcom's measures designed to improve competitiveness in pay-TV, it said it would review how the Premier League auctions rights to 'ensure [it] complies with competition law.' The existing European Commission FA Premier League commitments, which prevent all six packages of games being bought by the same broadcaster, expire before the next auction of live broadcast rights in 2012. Ofcom said it would 'explore with the Premier League whether it is willing to provide further commitments,' but did not set out specific requests. Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore reacted by suggesting Ofcom had 'ignored the representations of content owners. The Premier League's audio visual rights have always attracted interest and, as a result, significant competition to acquire them. This benefits various stakeholders including the entire sport of football and consumers. We are surprised that Ofcom is seeking to revisit an issue that was addressed to the satisfaction of the European Commission. As such we currently sell our rights in a highly regulated and transparent process that is entirely compatible with competition law and of course will continue to do so in the future. However, we will resist any measures that disincentivise media organisations from bidding for our rights directly and at the appropriate market value.' Earlier, BSkyB Chief Executive Jeremy Darroch had launched a blistering attack on Ofcom, accusing the regulator of 'punishing success' with its proposals to limit what the satellite operator can charge for their premium sports and movie channels and that Ofcom's approach to the reform of wholesale pricing 'defies belief.' Sky also indicated that it would launch a massive legal challenge against the regulator if it pushed ahead with plans to force the satellite broadcasters to cut the amount it charges rivals for its top channels. I must say, I always enjoy watching bullies standing up to ... other bullies, it's very entertaining.

Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt are reportedly ending their Mighty Boosh partnership. It's a massively over-rated show, in my opinion, but I know it's very popular with many blog readers so I merely report the facts. According to the Sun, the pair have conflicting interests, making it difficult for them to find time to write together. 'The boys simply have different priorities now,' a source close to the pair is quoted as saying. 'Julian is in love with family life and sees a wild night out as a pint in his local pub. Noel still loves the party scene. He also wants to get out to the US where the Boosh is a big hit on the Adult Swim network.' The source added: 'Julian isn't as excited. Fans are running a sweepstake on the Mighty Boosh forum about him not showing up for their slot at the Comic-Con convention in San Diego in July.' The source stressed that the pair remain firm friends, saying: 'They still love each other but have taken different paths and I can't see where the Boosh can go now.'

Nigel Havers has been confirmed for a guest role on the new series of Sarah Jane Interferes. The veteran actor is expected to appear in two episodes of series three, playing a character who 'looks set to change things for Sarah Jane Smith forever.' Brian Miller, the actor husband of Elisabeth Sladen, will also guest in the new run (along with the previously announced appearance of David Tennnant). Producer Nikki Wilson told Doctor Who Magazine: 'He was simply ideal casting for this pivotal role, which sees him in conflict with Sarah Jane and the gang. Although there's a lot more going on with Brian's character than might first appear.'

Let's have some Top Telly Tips:

Friday 3 July
In UR S0 V4IN - 7:35 Channel 4 - director Ellena Wood dips a documentary-sized toe into the murky pond of personalised car number plates. Last year, the DVLA raised eighty four million pounds from the sales of such plates and the most popular combinations of letters and numbers can fetch around eighty thousand pounds each. Anything deemed too rude is, of course, disallowed. Pity, really, that's the only real reason for getting one. The bidders in these acts of consumer folly seem to be overwhelmingly male attention-seekers who simply love the idea of people pointing at their cars. Compensation for their ownership of a very small penis, no doubt. Just in case you were wondering. Anyway, Wood meets a handful of such chaps, all called Nigel (yeah, I know... they would be, wouldn't they?) who crave the status of a personalised plate reading, you guessed it, "N1GEL." Iincluding one who is so keen that he'd rather have "N2GEL" than nothing at all! Very small penis, please note. It's no surprise to learn that the current owner of the top Nigel plates keeps his personalised Lamborghini in a Thunderbirds-style pop-up garage. Sounds like my kind of Nigel, actually. A neat and quirky little film, this.

Saturday 4 July
Richard Hammond returns to pithily comment on more crashes, smashes and hilarious mud-splashes on the world's most ridiculous and extreme obstacle course in Total Wipeout - 7:25 BB1. The show returns bigger and wetter than ever, with twenty foolhardy Brits - mostly either ludicrously stereotypical Scum from the estates of Essex or equally ludicrously stereotypical middle-class young professionals from the home counties - in every show. All putting their bravery, balance and dignity to the test on the purpose-built course in Argentina. Joining Richard from the sidelines, to offer support and - completely useless - advice as the contestants are splatted, swiped and pummeled to buggery, is the lovely Amanda Byram. Mad as badgers, of course, but curiously addictive - and a huge unexpected rating hit earlier in the year. After the huge flop of successive John Barrowman and Graham Norton Saturday early evening vehicles, the BBC will be absolutely delighted to have it back.

The investiture of Prince Charles as The Prince of Wales took place, of course, in 1969 in a televised ceremony held at Caernarfon Castle. I remember it well. It was a day of pomp and pageantry but also, unknown to the public at the time, a day of bomb threats and dire warnings of potential assassination attempts on various members of the the royal family. The BBC's best known Welshman, Huw Edwards goes back in time to investigate the events of an extraordinary day when police, politicians and royalty held their breath as a few nationalist extremists violently plotted against the English overlordship of Welsh Wales in Timewatch: The Prince and The Plotter - 8:30 BBC2. Always reliably watchable is Timewatch.

Sunday 5 July
In March 2009, hundreds of Britney Spears fans from all over the UK made their way to BBC TV Centre in London for a mass dance tribute to their idol. None of them were trained dancers, but they were put through their paces by a choreographer and by the end of the day were ready to recreate Spears's legendary video for 'Hit Me, Baby, One More Time.' (Always preferred 'Oops, I Did It Again', personally but, still...) In Britney Spears Saved My Life (9:00 BBC3) we see how eleven of the superfans got on during the day, as we first get to know them in their home towns and find out what makes them tick. Alternatively, there's Michael McIntyre as the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car on Top Gear (8:00 BBC2).

Monday 6 July
Getting its third promotion of channel in three years, Torchwood: Children of Earth sees the popular Doctor Who spin-off starring John Barrowman come to BBC1 at 9:00. The five episode story is strip-scheduled across five nights this week. When every single child on Earth stops, Torchwood is thrown into a world of terror. I'm a fan, I've never made any bones about that. And what I really like about Torchwood is that, unlike a lot of British SF, it really doesn't takes itself too seriously (witness Gwen's wedding episode last year). As a consequence, the characters come over a likeably flawed. It's popular too although, whether this mini-series will be the show's finale or whether we'll get more tales from The Hub next year is, as yet, unknown.

In What To Eat Now - 8:30 BBC2 - Valentine Warner returns for a second series of his guide to seasonal cooking and eating, this time concentrating on the culinary delights of summer. Chips, same as any other time of the year, what more do you need? In this programme, Valentine tracks down the best ingredients to make the summer barbecue sizzle and reveals his top five barbecue tips. (Err ... turn it on, keep it hot, don't burn stuff, don't burn yourself ... I'm struggling to think of the last one.) Also, he describes the perfect way to cook beef on the grill and how to make a lobster meal that will, the press blurb suggests, 'take you to a higher state of consciousness.' Add some hallucinogens, I'm guessing thought I'm probably wildly off-base with that. Let them all eat culture.

Teenagers Fighting Cancer - 8:00 Channel 4 - is a rather sad-looking (and yet, in many ways, really life-affirming) documentary set inside the cancer ward at Queen Elizabeth Hospital, Birmingham one of ten specialist units set up in the UK by the Teenage Cancer Trust. This is where teenage patients undergo treatment in the hope of overcoming their illness. The film covers the stories of eighteen-year-old Rebecca, who has just been diagnosed, twenty four-year-old Adam whose cancer has returned three times in nine years, and sixteen-year-old Alex, who is facing a life-changing operation. Hard stuff to watch, of course, but a very worthy subejct and well-worth an hour of everyone's time.

Tuesday 7 July
In EastEnders - 7:30 BBC1 - a relieved Dawn escapes being discovered by Garry in the arms of Phil, but is thrown off-balance when Minty confronts her. Big fight, little people. Meanwhile, Heather's relief turns to fear when Shirley offers advice on her pregnancy.

Sarah Beeny (or, 'her off the telly' as one of my colleague calls her) looks at how first-time developers might succeed as house prices plummet amidst the biggest property slump in living memory in Property Snakes and Ladders - 8:00 Channel 4. Sarah provides property advice to the developers of two very unusual properties. Neil Hornsey and Alison Gurr think their fortune lies in converting a lock-up located in a dodgy alleyway, whilst Sue Ward is renovating a former jail-house that also comes with its own dungeon. Well, I can think of several friends of mine who'd like to hire that last one out on a semi-regular basis. But, perhaps I've said too much.

You Have Been Watching - 10:00 Channel 4 - is a new comedy panel show looking back at the week's TV and hosted by the vicious-but-cuddly TV critic Charlie Brooker, the grumpiest man in the world. And, one of the funniest. It's described as 'a brilliant hybrid of comedy quiz show and TV review programme,' by its producer Zeppotron's managing director, Annabel Jones. 'Charlie has shouted his views on television from the loneliness of his sofa on BBC4 for many years and now it's time for others to try to get a word in edgeways.' On the show Charlie is joined by a funny and thoughtful line-up to give TV the trousers-down spanking it sometimes deserves as each episode looks at some of the worst programmes that claim to be entertainment. As a huge fan of Charlie's Screenwipe, let's hope this new format brings this brilliant, angry, cynical, angry, caustic and angry man to a far wider audience. Whether they want, or even deserve, him or not!

Wednesday 8 July
It's a repeat episode of Trial and Retribution - 9:00 ITV - but, like Waking the Dead last week, I feel somewhat justified in recommending it since this is a very decent drama show. While on leave in Glasgow to take care of his increasingly senile mother, DCS Walker becomes involved in the case of a missing woman. He begins to delve into the lives of the woman's former husband Kevin Reid and brother-in-law Ronnie. When a body is discovered and is proved to be the missing woman's, Walker becomes convinced that one or both of the Reid brothers must be involved - especially after Kevin's second wife is reported missing.

Celebrity MasterChef - 8:00 BBC1 - is, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, one my TV guilty pleasures at the moment. I really do enjoy watching Gregg Wallace and John Torode - they're such a worthwhile antidote to most judges on reality shows who are so far up their own backsides they're almost out through the mouth. Both are straight honest blokes who, whilst obviously very knowledgeable about (and proud of) their subject can still manage to get through Colin Murray's mushroom and cheese toasties without screaming. Albeit, I do find the fact that they ask every single contestant 'how far do you think you can go in this competition?' very annoying. I'd like one of the constestants to reply 'that rather depends on you guys, doesn't it?' Tonight, the three finalists are faced with their toughest challenges yet - from feeding ninety crew members of the hit drama Ashes to Ashes to producing fine dining at a charity fundraising dinner at the top of the BT Tower. And, if they fail, Gene Hunt comes round their house and smashes their teeth in. That's the sort of cookery challenge I enjoy watching.

Taking the Flak - 9:00 BBC2 - is a new sitcom starring Martin Jarvis and Doon Mackichan. This is described as 'an acerbic, authentic and caustic comedy drama that covers the entire progress of a small African war, as seen through the eyes of journalists sending back the nightly reports for the News at Ten.' When a minor local conflict suddenly becomes global news and a team of BBC journalists arrive in the previously unremarkable country of Karibu, ready to cover the events for 'The Ten' back home. But football-mad boy soldiers, corrupt car dealers, intestinal discomforts, landmines, old flames and colossal egos all get in the way. There's definitely a story to tell, but who will get to tell it? So, this is Drop The Dead Donkey: The Next Generation, basically? Sounds rather good, actually. It also includes cameo appearances from real news anchors including George Alagiah, Sophie Raworth and Dermot Murnaghan.

Thursday 9 July
TV's rudest, most insensitive and - by a country mile - funniest topical news comedy Mock the Week returns tonight - 9:00 BBC2. In this, if you've never seen it, two teams of comedians take a satirical swipe at the week's news and world events in a sort of mixture of Have I Got News For You, Whose Line Is It Anyway? with a bit of Qi and a smidgen of Question Time thrown in for good measure. Host Dara O'Briain is joined by regulars, the terrifyingly in-yer-face Mad Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons with tonight's special guests being Frank Skinner (who used to be funny) and Gina Yashere. Of course, lots of people will watch the show just to hate it, as happened last year: Those wretched lice at the Daily Mail will complain about everything Frankie says (particularly if it involves Rebecca Adlington or the Queen ... or both). The Mirror - with their brown-tongues rammed so far up Ofcom's collective arse there's no room for anyone else to get in there - will moan about the amount of bad-language on display. And, of course, dear old Emily Maitlis will make a complete laughing stock of herself on Newsnight with some comments about 'her pussy.' Can't ever see enough of that one, personally. I adore Mock the Week for exactly the same reason that I love Top Gear - because they just do not seem to give a bleeding stuff about what anybody thinks of them. Admirable that, in these days where most TV shows are too afraid of offending anyone through humour to actually say anything remotely funny.

Five's often fascinating historical documentary series, Revealed - which I was such a fan of last year - returns tonight with The Real Goldfinger - 8:00. New research indicates that the audacious plot to rob Fort Knox in the James Bond novel Goldfinger may have been based on real-life events. In 1914, the fledgling British secret service worked to foil an attack on the Bank of England, masterminded by an influential German spymaster.

Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton's dark comedy thriller, Psychoville - 10:00 BBC2 - has very quickly built up a small but dedicated cult-audience. I know a couple of people who think it's a work of genius on the strength of just the first couple of episodes. I still can't quite make my mind up about the show, to be honest - but then, it was a good long while before I 'got' The League of Gentlemen either, so maybe it's just me. In tonight's episode David and his mum are mid-murder when an unexpected visitor throws them into panic. Who is their mystery caller? What will happen to the body in the trunk? And will Maureen finally get to try one of those pyramid teabags?

Blame It On The Boogie

2009-06-26T08:39:00.009Z

I suppose I really should say something about the untimely death of poor Michael Jackson, announced late yesterday. Do you know the first thing I thought when I heard the news? I know somebody who had tickets to go and see him in London next February and I thought 'I'll bet those'll be collector's items, now.' I'm genuinely sorry Michael. I've actually got 'I'll Be There' on my PC as I type this. That astonishing voice - a little boy who'd seen so much so young - it just melts yer heart to slush. And that's how I intend to try and remember him - not as the rather tragic figure of much of his last two decades but as an eleven year old pocket James Brown with all the right moves. And, with a voice that sang lyrics about emotions which he probably didn't even understand at that age but still conveyed with complete sincerity. 'Stop! The love you save may be your own.' I'm actually really cut up about it, the more it sinks in (and I never thought I'd say that).

Anyway, sadly (as the late John Peel once said) the beat goes on and we, however reluctantly, must go on with it. I have to say, on reflection, that when I go I don't wanna sneak out the back door of this life, flat on my back with tube up my nose thinking 'is that it?' I want to go like John Entwhistle - in bed, in Vegas, with a couple of hookers, a bottle of brandy and nose full of charlie. That's rock and roll, baby.

Here's some Top Telly News and we'll start with one for all Freema fans (or, indeed, for all Bradley fans). ITV have commissioned a second full series of the crime drama Law & Order: UK, which will return with the same cast. A new run of thirteen episodes will go into production later this year, with broadcast expected next year, after the ITV director of television, Peter Fincham, and the director of drama, Laura Mackie, gave it the green light. A first batch of seven episodes launched in February on ITV and averaged six million viewers. Six further episodes from the first production block will air soon. The series will be, again, co-produced by Kudos Films, Wolf Films and NBC Universal.

Five will kick-off its move into entertainment under Richard Woolfe with a Krypton Factor-style gameshow. Britain's Best Brain - thoroughly rotten title, notwithstanding - will be made by Tiger Aspect Productions and media investment company Group M Entertainment, which is co-financing the series and will bring a sponsorship deal for the show. The eight episode, studio-based series is scheduled for a primetime slot and will put contestants through a series of tasks designed to push them to their mental and physical limits. Contestants' performance on the tasks will generate a unique 'brain score,' with the top players from each show returning for the final where the eventual winner will be named 'Britain's Best Brain.' I have to say, guys, sounds rather a good little concept and all that but the title is really putting me off!

In an interview in the latest issue of Filmstar Magazine, Hustle/Life on Mars creator Tony Jordan talks about a new BBC1 Saturday night adventure show currently in the works and awaiting a vacant slot. The Ministry is about a Government agency investigating mysterious goings-on. Jordan describes it as a sort of cross between The X Files, Ghostbusters and Men in Black and will depict an Avengers-type stylised London. The show appears to be well into pre-production as Gareth Roberts is said to be writing episode three and another Doctor Who veteran Stephen Greenhorn is working on another. Sounds great although, it should be noted that television's record of finding 'the new Avengers' is spotty at best. Bugs, for instance.

BBC2 has commissioned a new daytime series titled Antiques Road Trip. The show will pair eight of Britain's best-loved antique experts and send them on a road trip across the UK in a selection of beautiful classic cars. They will then compete with each other to make the most money by buying and selling antiques, each with a starting budget of two hundred pounds. BBC daytime controller Liam Keelan said of the series: 'Antiques Road Trip is a very feel-good format, with some of our best-known antiques experts pitting their wits against each other from the top to the bottom of Britain.' Additionally, Restoration Roadshow, in which members of the public are invited to bring along items from damaged heirlooms to attic treasures which they hope can be restored, has been given a twenty-episode order.

It has been reported, in Broadcast, that Impossible Pictures offered to make a fourth series of ITV's Primeval for less than £600,000 an episode - but even that was not enough of a bargain to convince the broadcaster to reorder the show. Under the deal, the Sci Fi Channel in the UK would have aired the show first, ahead of ITV. But ITV turned the offer down and a spokesman confirmed that the decision was made to help the commercial broadcaster protect its 9pm drama slate. Impossible founder Tim Haines said: 'There was a lot of talk when Primeval was cancelled that it must have been because it is a big show, with lots of CGI and special effects. That's not the case. ITV wasn't paying the whole costs anyway but we offered to lower the price further and bring in fifty percent of the funding with co-production deals. It would still have been getting a show worth more than £1m for less than £600,000.' Haines said he 'completely understood' ITV's position, which was 'not unique. Drama producers are going to have to become a lot more adept at financing their productions,' he said. Impossible is now negotiating with a US broadcaster to adapt Primeval. Haines said it was likely that the series would 'start from scratch' with a slightly edgier feel. He added that he was hopeful Primeval could eventually come back to the UK, but as a US acquisition rather than a commission. Don't hold your breath.

Comedian Alexander Armstrong is to present a BBC2 daytime quiz that puts a twist on the Family Fortunes formula of polling the public. Pointless will pose a series of open questions that have been answered by a panel of one hundred people. But rather than guessing the most popular answer, contestants will be rewarded if they reply with answers that occurred to few or none of the panel. So a contestant would be likely to win more points if, say, when asked to name a Charles Dickens novel, they answer Barnaby Rudge rather than Oliver Twist. Okay, I like the idea of that. The show is the first BBC2 daytime quiz from the Endemol subsidiary Brighter Pictures. As well as being one half of a comedy duo with Ben Miller, Armstrong has been a regular guest presenter of Have I Got News for You and also presents its web spin-off. He was also in the running to host Countdown after Des O'Connor left. Pointless will air later this summer. It was commissioned by BBC daytime controller Liam Keelan, who described it as 'wonderfully irreverent.'

Bolivian TV channel PAT broadcast a series of extraordinary images of the last moments of Air France flight 447, lost over the Atlantic on 1 June. According to the report, the snaps were retrieved from a recovered Casio Z750, which was subsequently traced via the serial number to its owner - 'Paulo G Muller, an actor from a well-known children's theatre on the outskirts of Porto Alegre.' In fact, the camera can be traced to ABC Studios as sharp-eyed viewers soon noticed. The photographs featured well-known actress Evangeline Lilly, aka Kate Austen from TV series Lost. PAT had, seemingly, fallen for a hoax e-mail, and to add to its embarrassment, has failed to appreciate that while the flight 447 disaster occurred at night, the images shown represented the very daytime fictional break-up of Oceanic Flight 815 in the first episode of the cult US TV show. PAT aired one still showing panicked passengers using oxygen masks, and another showing someone being sucked out of the back of the aircraft as the tail broke away. The Bolivian newsreader claimed the exclusive images were photos 'taken by one of the passengers on the airliner' and had been recovered from the memory of a digital camera. On discovering that the photos had been e-mailed by a prankster, the TV station issued a public apology for their blunder. The news director for PAT, Eddy Luis Franco, said: 'On Thursday, two photographs were aired on our prime time news report and on Friday we apologised.'

Town House TV and Distraction Formats have joined Setanta as the latest victims of the financial crisis in TV. Town House, which used to make Five’s axed chatshow Trisha, will officially cease trading on 30 June after failing to win any new commissions. Five dropped Trisha at the start of the year - because it was crap and no one was watching it - and the indie began shedding jobs, going from around eighty five six months ago to just a handful today. Town House head of production Mike Molloy said the indie had continued to pitch ideas to broadcasters in the hope of clinching a company-saving commission, but that it had failed to do so. However, managing director Malcolm Allsop contradicted this, stating that Town House had not been looking for new commissions since Trisha was cancelled earlier this year. 'All indies are operating under very difficult conditions,' Molloy told Broadcast. 'Being a regional indie has made it even harder. We've been pushing hard to get commissions off the ground but broadcasters haven't bitten and that's down to shrinking budgets.' Distraction went into liquidation on 24 June after trading for twelve years. It was best known for selling formats such as The Next Great Leader and Dirty Rotten Cheater to the BBC. Chief executive Michel Rodrigue blamed its demise on the recession and tough competition within the industry.

And, lastly. For God's sake will somebody at the BBC please give that poor girl continuity announcer on BBC2 a throat pastel, she sounds like she's about to choke on her own tonsils.

Coming Up, Going Down Or Just Hangin' Around

2009-06-24T11:09:00.011Z

Here's one worth keeping an eye open for that got missed in the latest batch of Top Telly Tips, dear blog reader; Judge Jack Dee's forthcoming appearance on Sunday's episode of Kingdom. 'He is a bit of a local roué that darts between Norfolk and London. He has got a wife but she is more interested in her watercolour painting then she is in him. As a result, [he] has got quite a complicated private life,' says Jack.

A top quality-cast that includes Douggie Henshall, Kate Ashfield, Paul McGann and Phil Davis will star in the ITV drama Collision. Filming has just begun on the five-part serial made by Greenlit, which tells the story of a major road accident and a group of people who have never met, but who all share one single defining moment that will change all of their lives. Amid the tangle of twisted metal and emotional turmoil wrought by the tragedy of a crash of this scale, are the stories of the victims and the impact of the accident on their families, friends and colleagues. Sort of Lost for Citroën drivers, then? As the terrible task of investigating the cause of the carnage begins, a series of revelations emerge: from Government cover-ups and smuggling, to disturbing secrets and murder. Primeval star Henshall and Ashfield (The Children, The Diary of Anne Frank) play the senior police officers in charge of the investigations whose complicated personal lives threaten to collide with the grim job they face. McGann (True Dare Kiss, Doctor Who, Withnail and I) stars as millionaire property dealer Richard Reeves. Dean Lennox Kelly (Shameless, The Invisibles) and his brother Craig Kelly (Hotel Babylon, Queer as Folk) team up for the first time to play brothers Danny and Jeffrey Rampton, whose business dealings are about to be exposed as a result of the crash. Zoe Telford (The Palace) is Jeffrey’s wife Sandra. Claire Rushbrook (Mutual Friends, Whitechapel) plays Karen Donnelly who survives the crash, but has a secret which puts her life in jeopardy again. The great Phil Davis (Bleak House, Whitechapel, The Curse of Steptoe, Quadrophenia) plays Brian Edwards who escapes the carnage which kills his mother-in-law. His wife Christine, played by Jan Francis (Just Good Friends) is devastated by the death of her mother and confused by her husband's reaction to the police questions. David Bamber (Rome) plays Sidney Norris, a piano teacher whose guilty secrets are uncovered during the investigations. Collision has been created by the acclaimed author and screen-writer Anthony Horowitz (Foyle's War) and co-written by Michael Walker. It is directed by Marc Evans (My Little Eye, Snow Cake), marking his first return to TV direction in five years. It is Peter Fincham's first new independent drama commission, with Director of Drama Laura Mackie, since joining ITV. Fincham notes: 'This is a high-octane event drama that combines creative and original thinking with mass appeal. It promises to be both provocative and engaging.' I must admit, all cynicism about most nominal ITV product aside, I do very much like the sound of that one.

Filming has also begun on a new BBC sitcom, Miranda, due for transmission in Autumn 2009 on BBC2. Miranda is based on the semi-autobiographical writing of comedy actress Miranda Hart (Not Going Out, Hyperdrive, Absolutely Fabulous). The show started life as a TV pilot and then moved onto becoming the critically acclaimed, Sony Award nominated radio series, Miranda Hart's Joke Shop, on Radio2. Patricia Hodge (Maxwell, The Life And Loves Of A She-Devil) plays Miranda's mother and is joined by a stellar cast, including Sarah Hadland (Moving Wallpaper, That Mitchell & Webb Look), Sally Phillips (Bridget Jones' Diary, Smack The Pony) and Tom Ellis (Miss Conception, EastEnders) in this farcical, eccentric and affectionate family sitcom.

Fat Friends writer Kay Mellor is penning a new drama for ITV featuring a group of women over the age of fifty, as the broadcaster looks to broaden its output in the genre and enhance its appeal to female audiences. Laura Mackie, the director of drama at ITV, revealed Mellor's new drama was called Women of a Certain Age and added that it featured three roles for older actresses. Mackie said she wanted ITV to move away from crime dramas and do more drama featuring roles that better reflect women's lives. Speaking at Sphinx Theatre Company's conference into the portrayal of women in theatre and television, Mackie said there were 'reasons to be cheerful' about the state of drama on television and its use of older female performers. But she admitted there was still 'a lot of work to do,' and said that a strong drama slate on ITV depended on attracting female audiences. 'The bulk of the audience for drama is female. I know from bitter experience that if we provide dramas that exclude the broad female audience, we will not get the kinds of volume of audience we need on ITV. [It] is a big commercial channel and we are under a lot of pressure at the moment. I want ... as many hours of drama as possible, but I can only achieve that if the quality of drama is really good and attracts a big percentage of the viewing public - and that means women,' she said. Mackie claimed female audiences want to see 'strong, complex and interesting' female roles and urged writers to present her with more ideas featuring these kind of parts. 'We need more and I would love to get more scripts across my desk that don't have a flashing blue light in them. I would love more scripts that have strong varied roles that reflect women's lives - every facet of their lives, and I would say nothing is off-limits,' she said. However, Mackie warned that writers have to think about the long-term sustainability of any idea they present to her, and should consider whether a story could run for multiple episodes or into a second series.

Six weeks of principal photography began on Monday on another major ITV drama, Murderland. Didn't they 'not have any money' a few weeks ago? Robbie Coltrane leads the cast as detective Douglas Hain. Written by acclaimed screenwriter David Pirie (Murder Rooms, Woman in White), directed by Catherine Morshead (Ashes to Ashes, Blackpool) produced by Touchpaper Scotland, part of the RDF Media Group, the three-part drama will be filmed on location around London. Coltrane will star alongside, Sharon Small (Mistresses, The Inspector Lynley Mysteries), Lucy Cohu (The Queen's Sister), Amanda Hale (Persuasion), David Westhead (Criminal Justice), Andrew Tiernan (Survivors) and Bel Powley (M.I. High). Murderland is described as 'an emotional and passionate thriller' that tells a traumatic murder story through the eyes of three central characters: Carrie the daughter of the murdered woman, Douglas Hain, the detective in charge of the investigation and Sally the murder victim. Murderland is produced by Kate Croft and Dave Edwards for Touchpaper, Scotland. 'Robbie Coltrane heads a marvellous cast and combining the talents of David Pirie and Catherine Morshead on this project is a delicious prospect. Murderland promises to be as much a why-dunit as a whodunit. As much a love story as a murder story,' says Kate Croft.

There's a very think good piece on Broadcast's website this week in which Russell Davies, Scottish Neil Oliver and Jimmy Nesbitt talk about their passion for programmes borne out of their native nations. The feature is based on edited extracts from Made in the UK, a series of essays on the BBC's plans to grow television production from Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales and English regions. Also well worth checking out is Mark Gatiss's joyous exploration of the world of Target novelisations for the BBC.

The FA have stated that they could yet bring disciplinary charges against those found guilty of alleged wrongdoing in transfer dealings highlighted by the BBC's Panorama programme of September 2006 and the subsequent Quest's reports of December 2006 and June 2007 according to the Guardian. Following the withdrawal of the libel action against the BBC by Kevin Bond, now Harry Redknapp's first-team coach at Tottenham Hotspur, which was due in the high court last week, Panorama stands legally unchallenged by any of the men accused in the Football's Dirty Secrets programme despite much bluster and threats of swift legal action. In nearly three years since the programme aired the FA has brought no charges, yet nor has it publicly cleared anyone, leading to accusations that the governing body has failed to investigate the matter quite as thoroughly as it promised at the time. 'It is wrong to suggest we have not vigorously pursued the issues raised by Panorama and Quest,' an FA spokesman said. 'Our consideration of various matters arising from those investigations remains ongoing and our files remain open.' It is believed that FA officials have, formally, interviewed Sam Allardyce, then the Bolton Wanderers manager, who was accused by the programme of 'having been involved in corrupt transfer deals' (though, to be honest, that's nothing compared to the crimes against football he committed when he signed Joey Barton to my beloved Newcastle) and the agent, Peter Harrison, who was secretly filmed by the BBC saying he did deals with Allardyce by making payments to Allardyce's son, Craig. It is understood that all of the outstanding or suspect transfer deals involving players coming from overseas clubs have been referred to FIFA but there are fears within the game over whether the world governing body is sufficiently equipped to investigate and take action if necessary. The FA is believed to have investigated several deals relating to purely domestic transfers, but to have decided it must wait before announcing its findings, until the conclusion of HM Revenue and Customs' inquiry into transfer dealings. That investigation began in a blaze of publicity with a series of dramatic dawn raids, as part of a City of London police investigation into alleged football 'corruption,' and although the agent Willie McKay has been released from bail, several people remain under investigation, including Mr Redknapp, Portsmouth's chief executive Peter Storrie, the club's former owner Milan Mandaric, and Birmingham City's major shareholder, David Sullivan, and its chief executive, Karren Brady. All of those involved in the investigation and those accused by Panorama it should be noted, deny any wrongdoing whatsoever. With Bond having dropped his claim, Panorama currently faces no outstanding legal actions from any of those against whom it alleged wrongdoing, including Bond, Allardyce and the Chelsea director of youth development, Frank Arnesen, who was filmed allegedly 'tapping up' the young Middlesbrough player Nathan Porritt. It is believed that Arnesen will not be charged with any offence by the FA - nor will Chelsea be deducted three points despite being under a suspended sentence at the time the offence allegedly took place because of their role in the Ashley Cole transfer - because although Middlesbrough's chairman, Steve Gibson, said at the time he was furious, Middlesbrough did not register an official complaint. That was a bit careless, Steve. It should, however, be noted that the Panorama programme itself has been - perhaps deservedly - criticised by many (including myself) for its lack of any hard content and its use of largely circumstantial evidence and much innuendo. Particularly after the BBC's own pre-publicity had suggested it was going to 'lift the lid' on football corruption with 'shocking evidence.' Shocking lack of evidence as it turned out.

Presenter Steve Race, best known as the host of Radio4's long-running quiz show My Music, has died aged eighty eight. The popular programme, which ran from 1967 to 1994, included comedians Frank Muir and Denis Norden on the panel. 'He had a great broadcasting voice - warm, inviting, distinctive. And he knew a lot. He was a class act,' said Radio4 controller Mark Damazer. Race also anchored the station's Home in the Afternoon in the late 1960s and its successor, PM. He also presented Britain's segment of the groundbreaking 1967 pan-continental TV show Our World, introducing The Beatles' debut performance of 'All You Need Is Love' from Studio 2 in Abbey Road. Damazer described Race as 'a terrific foil on My Music to the differing comic talents of Denis Norden and Frank Muir. He pushed and prodded them and held the programme together with good humour and grace' he added. Race's first foray into broadcasting was when he became presenter of groundbreaking children's hour programme Whirligig in 1953.

Some industry news and Alan Brown, who commissioned The Apprentice, produced The Restaurant and revamped Never Mind the Buzzcocks, has joined Diverse Production as creative director. The former BBC senior commissioning executive for entertainment takes over from Roy Ackerman, who recently left after almost twenty years to become chief executive of Jamie Oliver's production company Fresh One. Most recently, Brown was creative director at Silver River, producing BBC2's Grow Your Own Drugs and Sky1's Oops TV. That role continued a working relationship with Silver River head girl Daisy Goodwin, with whom he previously worked at Talkback Thames as a key creative, launching The Apprentice spin-off You're Fired.

Katie Price has been criticised by a leading children's charity over comments she made about her estranged husband, Peter Andre, online. The glamour model posted about Andre on her Twitter profile, writing that he had been 'a true Cnut' to her. Director of Kidscape Claude Knights said: 'Celebrities have a responsibility not to negatively influence young people. Teenagers have a huge presence on Twitter and young girls model themselves on female idols.' Another, nameless, spokesperson added that Jordan was wholly wrong to describe her estranged husband as a 'Cnut', pointing out that Cnut was, actually, an Eleventh Century Viking king of England, Denmark and Norway whose successes as a statesman, politically and militarily, proved him to be one of the great figures of medieval Europe. Something which Andre can't really have any claim to being (nor, indeed, has he done so at any stage let us be very clear about this). They further stated that if Ms Price were inclined to describe Mr Andre as anything then 'a talentless waste of blood and organs, just like me,' would have been far more accurate.

And lastly, here's yet another one from the 'rumours of my death have been great exaggerated' column relating to an ITV show. Kevin Whately and Laurence Fox are set to return for a fourth series of ITV murder mystery drama Lewis. Four new episodes of the Inspector Morse spin-off will go into production next month, with writers Alan Plater, Stephen Churchett and Russell Lewis all returning to pen scripts. Billie Eltringham will direct the first instalment and Morse creator Colin Dexter is again on board as consultant. ITV's controller of drama commissioning Sally Haynes said: 'Lewis is always one of the highlights of the year on ITV and features not only a great partnership between Lewis and Hathaway but some great plot lines and twists that keep the audience gripped. I'm thrilled it's returning and I know our viewers will be too.'

They Predict A Riot

2009-06-23T06:30:00.017Z

The Iranian foreign ministry has accused the BBC and the Voice of America of being mouthpieces of their respective governments (as if!) and seeking to engineer the ongoing riots that have followed the recent - exceptionally dodgy - Iranian presidential election. (Won, of course, by that Ahmadinejad chap who looks a dead-ringer for Roy Keane.) Another Iranian ministry also threatened to take 'more stern action' against British radio and television networks if they 'continued to interfere' in the country's domestic affairs. The tough talking from the Iranian authorities comes after Jon Leyne, the BBC's permanent correspondent in Iran, was expelled from the country earlier in the week and reports circulated that more Western and local journalists had been arrested. According to the Los Angeles Times, Paris-based Reporters Without Borders released the names of twenty four journalists and bloggers arrested since the disputed Iranian presidential election earlier this month. This, dear blog reader, is one of the reasons why I'm so insistant that - for all its many faults - this country remains a place where freedom of speech is a given. Because there are plenty of other places in the world where such a right cannot be taken for granted and where doing something as simple as telling some other people what's happening outside your house can get you banging up in pokey for your troubles. In this country, we are currently having a debate about whether an inquiry into the circumstances that led to a war we have recently been engaged in should be held in public or private. That's right Iran, a debate, not 'you vill do as you're told or ve vill shoot you.'

Actor Colin Bean, who played the portly Private Sponge in Dad's Army for many years, has died aged eighty two in Wigan Infirmary. Colin spent his last years at Wickham Hall Care Home in Springfield and died, peacefully, on Saturday. After many years in repertory, he was spotted in 1968 by his friend Jimmy Perry, co-creator of Dad's Army, and was given a small part in the series which subsequently became a regular recurring role. He last appeared in public at a reunion of the surviving cast of Dad's Army last year. His death now means that only three of the original Warmington-on-Sea ensemble cast - Ian Lavender, Clive Dunn and Bill Pertwee - are left.

In a country ravaged by strife, swine 'flu and financial meltdown, Dara Ó Briain and his four fellow Gagmen of the Aporkalypse are preparing to ride to the rescue this summer with the seventh series of hit topical panel show Mock The Week. Returning on 9 July, the BBC2 comedy maintains its unique mixture of quiz show, stand-up comedy improv and semi-serious topical discussion that saw the last series regularly pulling in viewing figures of more than three million as well as becoming a huge - and controversial - hit on YouTube and the BBC's iPlayer. Fresh from their sell-out nationwide tours, the Ó Briain and the other regulars - Mad Frankie Boyle, Russell Howard, Andy Parsons and Outnumbered's Hugh Dennis - will be joined by the very best talent from the stand-up circuit to supply the required satire. Now a household name, Mock the Week has, over the years, proved an extremely effective career springboard for the likes of Michael McIntyre, Davey Mitchell, John Oliver, Mark Watson, Lucy Porter and Rhod Gilbert as well as a platform for established names such as Ed Byrne, Greg Proops and Fred MacAulay to flex their topical muscles. There may be no Olympics this year for Mad Frankie to get angry (and very surreal) about but the team will be able to decide on their approach to Barack Obama, for example, and the current state of British politics as well as commenting on the usual tabloid scare stories, reality TV controversies and multiple British sporting embarrassments that occupy our summer months. And, presumably, to get that bloody daft Emily Maitlis woman all hot under the collar again and whinging on about 'her pussy' to anybody that'll listen. In a frankly Mrs Slocombe stylee. No, darling, nobody's forgotten that piece of TV comedy gold and nor will they for the forseeable future. Remember that the next time you're interrogating some hapless politician on Newsnight and you see the trace of a smile forming on their lips.

Some rather sad news now. West Wing actor Bradley Whitford and his wife, Malcolm in the Middle's Jane Kaczmarek are to divorce. Whitford's publicist, Melissa Kates, confirmed the news about the couple, who were married in 1992 and have three children, on Sunday. Whitford played Deputy White House Chief of Staff Josh Lyman in the hit political drama The West Wing and went on to star in creator Aaron Sorkin's next big TV project, the hugely under-rated Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Kaczmarek is currently starring as a judge in the US legal-drama Raising the Bar. Whitford has just finished filming a horror movie, The Cabin in the Woods, which is set for release next year. The movie is written by Buffy the Vampire Slayer writers Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard. He also starred in a Broadway revival of Boeing-Boeing last year.

Filmed entirely on location in the majestic region of Connemara in the West of Ireland, ITV's new three-part drama reflects one policeman's quest to serve a rural community - Single-Handed. Jack Driscoll (Owen McDonnell), a Sergeant with the Irish police, is completely at home in his new patch; he ought to be as he was born and brought up there. He knows the people, he knows the West of Ireland and, more importantly, he knows how the two fit together. But this is no cushy posting; Jack’s 'patch' stretches from the Atlantic coast in the West to the glacial lakes in the East, from Galway City in the South to Killary harbour in the North - he's on call twenty four hours a day and, more often than not, he's, as the title suggests, single-handed. From the team that produced ITV's award winning drama The Vice, Single-Handed explores how policing a rural community differs from city policing. Your precinct is vast, the terrain extreme and the community lives on the edge. You are always on duty. And there is, as Martha and the Vandellas once noted nowhere to hide. Single-Handed - which sounds not unlike an Irish version of Hamish MacBeth to be honest - also stars Ian McElhinney and will see guest appearances from Charlene McKenna and Doc Martin's sexy-voiced Caroline Catz. Who, I notice, has also being doing voice-overs on The Conspiracy Files for the BBC. Careful, Caroline, you'll get yourself targeted by nutters as 'a government apologist and a stooge of the establishment'!

ESPN has bought the rights to show forty six games in next season's English Premier League that were to have been shown by struggling broadcaster Setanta. Disney-owned ESPN has won the two packages of games shown on Saturday teatimes and Monday evenings. Both will be sold to customers through BSkyB. It has also won the twenty three games per season Setanta was due to show from 2010-13. The league took the broadcasting rights back from Setanta on Friday after it missed a payment deadline. It is not clear how much ESPN has paid for the rights. But, it's probably a hell of a lot less than Setanta did.

ITV may be planning to levy 'small charges' to view on-demand content beyond the standard seven-day catch-up window in a bid to boost revenues. The broadcaster is looking to introduce 'micropayments' to watch shows on all platforms, including Project Canvas, its proposed joint IPTV venture with the BBC and BT. It is the first time that a mainstream broadcaster has attempted to charge for viewing since Channel 4 dropped its 99p fee for thirty-day catch-up on 4oD two years ago. ITV's service would include flagship shows such as Britain's Got Talent and The X Factor, but is unlikely to feature any archive content. Group Strategy and Development director Carolyn Fairbairn said the success of premium content fees and video downloads on Apple's iTunes had proved viewers would pay for on-demand content. ITV has yet to determine a pricing model, but Fairbairn said it would be less than iTunes' standard 99p. The service is expected to be unveiled this autumn.

The Alan Titchmarsh Show, The Paul O'Grady Show and Five News at 7 have all been found to be in breach of Ofcom's codes on product placement. The broadcast watchdog ruled that Five News at 7 had promoted a GPS running watch and was found in breach of a rule which states products and services must not be promoted in programmes and another which rules that no undue prominence may be given to any programme to any product or service. The Five News programme on 5 February included in a pre-recorded report and a live studio discussion included comments about the GPS device such as: 'small but genius invention', 'as easy to charge as a mobile phone' and 'you get what you pay for with these.' The Titchmarsh and O'Grady vehicles were both found to have promoted and given undue prominence to two different skincare products. Unlike the US, product placement is strictly prohibited in the UK. Quite why the producers of all three shows didn't simply tell Ofcom - a notoriously hyporcitical bunch of unelected nobodies - to go and take a running jump into the nearest cesspit and drown themselves is, at the time of writing, unknown. Probably, because like most people in television, they have a backbone like jelly.

BBC2 ratings juggernaut Top Gear was back with a huge bang on Sunday night as over seven million viewers tuned-in to see Ferrari-legend Michael Schumacher 'unveiled' as The Stig - you might, possibly, have head about it, it was in one or two newspapers, apparently. I missed it myself. This was an audience share of thirty percent, an almost unprecedented number for BBC2, which helped to give the channel a daily share that was actually higher than ITV's (that usually happens about once a decade). Whilst Jezza, Hamster and Cap'n Slow state they will keep their driver's real identity a secret, the cleverly-managed stunt did nothing to damage their ratings - as anybody with half-a-brain in their head would have known well in advance. Of the 7.1m who tuned in from 8-9pm, 3.6m viewers were in the lucrative ABC1 demographic and 2.3m were aged 16-34 - the only age group the most TV executives give a monkeys about. Proving its appeal to both sexes, only fifty three percent of the total audience were male - another one in the eye for all of those boring Communist hippies who claim that the only people who watch Top Gear are fortysomething chaps. Like me. What's the betting now that, like Qi, Have I Got News For You and Masterchef before it, BBC1 are planning to try a bit of bully-boy poaching from their little brother? Stay just exactly where you are, lads - as I suspect you know, you'd never get away with anywhere near as much on the Big Boys network as you do on BBC2.

Bryan Fuller has quit his role as lead writer on Heroes, it has been confirmed. The thirty nine year old was a key part of the show's production team during its first season but left in 2007 to create his own series, Pushing Daisies. When that show was - tragically - axed at the end of last year, Fuller returned to the fold at Heroes to help turn around the superhero series' flagging fortunes. Fans lauded Fuller for his part in the show's creative reinvigoration and, in recent months, the writer has been masterminding storylines for the upcoming fourth season. According to reports, Fuller decided to depart Heroes last week in order to concentrate on developing new projects for NBC. He has previously expressed an interest in creating a new Star Trek TV series.

Kylie Minogue is reportedly helping her younger sister, the divine Dannii, prepare for the upcoming series of The X Factor. The superstar singer, notorious gold hot-pants wearer and (much more importantly) former Doctor Who companion is reported to have given Dannii access to her personal team of choreographers in order to make her future performers stand out from the crowd. '[She wants] Dannii's contestants to perform to their peak during the finals. The crew will be able to give her fresh ideas and hopefully keep her ahead of the competition,' an insider told This Is London. 'Kylie is a perfectionist and is giving Dannii her best pointers on how to smile, how best to bat off criticism and how to make her personality shine through.' The insider also claimed that Dannii is 'feeling a little diminished' because of the alleged difference in her pay from that of fellow judge Cheryl Cole. It is thought that Cole is being paid £750,000 more than the Australian star for the series, which will air later this year. Can I suggest a big wrestling match to sort all this malarkey out, ITV? Possibly involving oils of some description ... I mean, that, I'd watch.

And, finally, some breaking non-news: The BBC have flatly denied speculation of an 'all-Doctor reunion' for this year's Children In Need night. The Daily Mirror - whom, older blog readers may just remember used to be 'a newspaper' once upon a time - claimed that all ten incarnations of the Doctor would appear together in a fifteen-minute episode to be shown as part of the annual telethon in November. The special, they claimed, would see David Tennant's Doctor calling on his nine predecessors to help him find a missing piece of Time Lord apparatus. The actors who portrayed the first three Doctors - William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee - are all deceased but would be represented by archive footage, they stated. The report also claimed that the special would mark the first appearance of Matt Smith as the Doctor, although Smith is not due to take over from Tennant in the titular role until early 2010. A BBC spokesman told the newspaper: 'Nothing has been finalised yet, although there is discussion of a Children in Need Doctor Who special. It is too early to say what it will contain.' If this story sounds suspiciously familiar to you, dear blog reader, then that's probably because this is the second year running that a variant of it have done the rounds. For goodness sake, Mirror boys and girls, can't you think up some original lies, I'm getting sick of rehashed ones.

F**kin' 'Ell, It's Abi Titmuss!

2009-06-22T12:00:00.007Z

And, so we begin the latest batch of Top Telly News dear blog reader with an obscure pop-culture reference from the 1980s indie-scene. What a surprise. Abi Titmuss has claimed that playing a nurse (presumably, a 'naughty' one) in Holby City would be her dream role. The former nurse, turned glamour model, who is now supposed to be giving acting a tryout admitted that she had discussed appearing in such a show when she worked at the Royal Brompton Hospital. 'The one thing I would love to do is play a nurse,' she told the website Digital Spy during an in-depth and hard-hitting interview in which Abi aired her thoughtful views of all manner of subjects from the terrible situation in the Middle East, to the tragedy of teenage illiteracy and the environmental devastation caused, on a daily basis, by Chris Moyles. 'When I was working on the wards, the other nurses would say, "Abi, we'll know you've made it when you play a nurse." So something like Holby City or Casualty would be brilliant,' she noted. However, the Celebrity Love Island star also admitted that she has had trouble finding much thespian work which does not require her to appear naked. How very curious. Anybody able to come up with any reasons for such an oddity?

The BBC's comedy supremo, Lucy Lumsden, is leaving the corporation after eleven years to join Sky. This brings to an end Lumsden's career at the BBC, latterly as Controller of Comedy Commissioning - a post that she has held since 2005. Before taking her most recent role, Lumsden worked in the BBC's independent comedy team on shows such as Bedtime and Human Remains. Lucy began her career in television in 1992 on The Comic Strip, and has also worked in the area of both drama serials and documentaries. Lumsden's move to Sky follows criticism of the BBC's recent track record of launching bold, new, mainstream comedy on its terrestrial channels - particularly BBC1 which is seen as over-reliant on Last Of The Summer Wine and, to a lesser extent, My Family. The move will see her reunited with Stuart Murphy, Sky's Director of Programming and a former controller of BBC3 with whom she commissioned the award-winning Gavin and Stacey.

As the BBC, ITV and Channel 4 cut budgets and programmes, there is one corner of British television where times have never been better: satellite broadcaster Sky. The UK's biggest pay TV provider, buoyed by subscriptions that are still rising despite the economic downturn, is in a bullish mood, spending money while competitors retrench, as exemplified by its splashy 1980s-style advertising for the drama adaptation of Martina Cole's The Take. Sky's snaring of Lucy Lumsden (see above) and its move into a genre which is traditionally expensive and risky, follows bids by Stuart Murphy for established hits and talent from terrestrial rivals. While ITV's Harry Hill and the final series of Gavin and Stacey will stay put despite Sky's overtures, Sky did manage to secure the cult US medical drama House, starring Hugh Laurie, from Five paying an estimated £500,000 an episode. Sky's burgeoning ambitions contrast with the decline of its competitors. Setanta, the pay-TV broadcaster that has poured hundreds of millions into sport over the last three years, was left close to collapse last night after the Premier League terminated its £392m contract to show live matches.

Eamonn Holmes and his fiancée, Ruth Langsford, are reported to be 'worried' that they could be dropped from This Morning. The couple, who got engaged in March, are thought to be deeply concerned about their future on the ITV daytime show after bosses failed to assure them that they would definitely be returning. 'They love presenting the show and have great chemistry on air,' one production insider told the Sun. 'But Eamonn, in particular, is expensive and he is worried they can no longer afford him.' Oh dear. How very sad. Never mind.

Channel 4 chief executive Andy Duncan has vowed to stay with the broadcaster for at least another two years. Duncan has shot down industry rumours that the publication of the government's Digital Britain report last week would pave the way for his departure, in an interview with the Observer. With Lord Carter rejecting a merger of C4 and Five and calling on C4 and BBC Worldwide to firm up their joint venture plans – a move backed by both the Tories and Liberal Democrats according to Duncan – he said he was now focusing on what his organisation would look like in the future. 'Now is the moment to stop talking about a [funding] gap,' he said. 'My job is to think about two or three years from now, or five years from now.'

Michael Schumacher has been revealed in his secret identity as The Stig on Top Gear. Or not, as the case may be. The former Formula1 world champion removed the trademark white helmet and visor during an interview with show host Jeremy Clarkson on last night's opening episode of the popular motoring show's thirteenth series after completing a record-breaking lap on the production's test track in Dunsfold Park, Surrey. It has been suggested that The Stig is played by at least four professional drivers (including another former F1 world champion Damon Hill), with some commentators claiming that up to eight people have taken on the role at various times. A Top Gear spokesman confirmed to the Daily Telegraph that Schumacher had driven the latest lap in a one million pound Ferrari FSX but added that the identity of The Stig at other times would remain 'a mystery.' I have only one question to ask in regard to this matter. Why the long face, Michael?

BBC future media controller Anthony Rose was honoured with the Individual Achievement Award for his 'ground-breaking' work on the BBC iPlayer at this week's Broadcast's Digital Awards. Rose, formerly chief technology officer at Kazaa, joined the BBC in 2007 and was praised by judges as being the man who 'made the iPlayer work.'

Alan Titchmarsh is to front a forthcoming ITV series on the seasons and climate change. Produced by Tiger Aspect, The Seasons will look at seasonal change in the modern word and how the weather affects us all. The four-part natural history series aims to show how changes in the global jet stream and oceans affect our mood, culture and behaviours and how this influences everything from wildlife to the stock market. Rumours that The Thinking Octeganarian's Stud will get eaten by Triffids during the climax are, apparently, unfounded. Which is very sad, of course. Hey wouldn't it be, like, great if Abi Timuss married Alan Titchmash? Then she'd be Abi Titmuss-Titchmarsh. And also, it'd be totally fantastic if Kylie Minogue were to get married to the lead singer of 1980s hit band The Mighty Wah! Then she'd be Kylie Wylie.

Ex-Doctor Who companion Billie Piper and former test cricketer Peter Willey, anyone?

Nah, lissun...

BBC1 is planning an animated version of Julia Donaldson's bestselling children's book, The Gruffalo, as one of the centrepieces of its Christmas schedule. Robbie Coltrane will voice the eponymous monster, Helena Bonham-Carter is lined-up as narrator and Rob Brydon and James Corden will also loan their voices to the short film - with Corden playing the mouse at the centre of the book. It will be produced by Pinewood Studios-based indie Magic Light Pictures, with a combination of clay scenery and CGI-animated characters.

The rules were thought to be simple but, after the debacle of last year when Corpus Christi College, Oxford were thrown out of University Challenge, even though they were the best team by a street-and-a-half, the BBC has changed the regulations for the first time since the show began, on Granada, in 1962. If it was not clear before, the BBC spelled it out in its new guidelines: 'University Challenge is a competition for teams of students.' A seven-page document was sent to all twenty eight competing teams clarifies the eligibility criteria, including three definitions of what a student actually is, before filming began last week on the thirty ninth series of Britain's longest-running quiz show. The BBC said that filming will in future take place over a single academic year. That change was not made in time for the series currently in production, but will come into force next year. The tightening of the rules comes after the Observer revealed in March that Corpus Christi's Sam Kay had graduated and become a trainee accountant during the production of the programme. In the later rounds, he claimed he was still studying chemistry. But, in reality, Kay had been refused funding to study for a master's degree and did not tell producers that he had started work. Thus depriving the magnificent Gail Trimble of her rightful status as "Queen of Brains."

Week Twenty Six: He Found God In A Wiltshire Field. And You Did Not.

2009-06-21T13:41:00.021Z

The Stig, the mystery driver who tests high-performance cars on Top Gear, will take his helmet off for the first time in tonight's opening episode of the show's thirteenth series, the BBC has confirmed. Jeremy Clarkson, writing in his column in the Sun, revealed the unmasking, saying Stig's identity would be a 'staggering surprise' to viewers. He said the Stig would barge into the studio in the pre-recorded BBC2 show before showing his face. The driver has previously been named by some newspapers as stunt driver Ben Collins. The BBC has previously refused to confirm or deny whether Collins, who has worked on many films including the James Bond movie Quantum Of Solace, is The Stig. Clarkson, said that, while filming the scenes, 'hardened, emotionless camera crews said the hair on the back of their neck prickled. As a television moment, it's up there with Neil Armstrong walking on the ... corpse of JR Ewing,' With a quite staggering po-facedness and lack of anything resembling the sort of humour that Top Gear specialises in, the BBC website states that it 'is not clear if the apparent unveiling is merely a publicity stunt which would mean that Stig's identity remains a mystery.' No shit, Sherlock. It's pretty damn likely I'd've said! Perry McCarthy, a former Formula1 driver, was the original Stig, wearing black overalls for his appearances. He was 'killed off' and replaced with a new Stig, dressed in white, after he had revealed his identity in his 2002 autobiography. Which, subsequently, nobody bought.

Troubled pay-TV broadcaster Setanta has failed to pay the latest chunk of the thirty million smackers it owes the English Premier League – and has thus lost the rights to show any matches next season. A potential rescue deal, led by a US investor who had proposed buying fifty one percent of Setanta, has also fallen through. The league will now put the rights to the forty six live matches which Setana had bought for the 2009-2010 season up for auction, after Setanta missed Friday's payment deadline. Offers to buy the rights will need to be made by Monday. The board of Setanta said it would 'consider its options over the weekend.' In the mean time, 'Setanta's sports channels continue on air,' it added. Late last week, Access Industries, controlled by the US magnate Len Blavatnik, tabled a twenty million pounds bid for a controlling share in the company. It had been hoped Access could lead a consortium of investors to provide fresh funding for Setanta. However Access has now said it was unable to proceed with a deal with Setanta. There had been concerns over how much tax Access could be liable to pay had it acquired Setanta.

The very definition of "yesterday's news" in TV terms - Big Brother pulled in a paltry 2.2 million viewers for their latest eviction earlier in the week, as Cairon became the third person this season to be evicted from the house. Big Brother came third in the 9pm slot, beaten by BBC1 and ITV. The return of Hotel Babylon opened with 4.3m (20%) for BBC One. A repeat of Doc Martin also rated well for ITV with 4.1m (19%), whilst 1.5m (7%) opted for NCiS on Five.

Broadcasters, sponsors and the other commercial partners were this week pouring over the details of their contracts with the Formula1 rights holder, Bernie Ecclestone, with most of them confident they will be able to break them if the sport fractures in two. On the eve of the British Grand Prix, senior broadcasting executives and sports marketing experts were mulling over the implications of FOTA's threat to quit the sport to start their own, rival, championship from 2010. The BBC, which is just months into a new two hundred million pounds five-year contract to cover the sport, is believed to be confident of its ability to walk away from the deal if, as threatened, eight major teams form their breakaway organisation. Lawyers believe the nature of the product would have changed so fundamentally that under common contract law they would be able to break the deal. Invoking the concept of 'force majeure,' they would argue that the product they had signed a deal for in good faith was no longer on offer, due to the fault of neither party. The clause usually applies to 'acts of God' but can also be invoked to cover other unforeseen events. However, it is likely that Ecclestone would challenge such an interpretation, adding to the slew of court cases that will likely be triggered if FOTA acts on its threat. The eight teams - which include Brawn GP, McLaren, Renault and Ferrari - promised in their incendiary statement on Thursday to take all their major sponsors and backers with them. 'The major drivers, stars, brands, sponsors, promoters and companies historically associated with the highest level of motorsport will all feature in this new series,' it said. 'Get the car started,' as David Lloyd would no doubt add.

The Daily Mirror carried out a major interview with ITV's director of programmes Peter Fincham this week in which he stated that he was thrilled to see the Britain's Got Talent final pull in nearly twenty million viewers. Such numbers have not been seen - outside of major sporting events - since the Only Fools and Horses Christmas special in 2001. Fincham noted: 'We didn't think we'd see audiences like that again. We've come through a period when multi-channel TV has grown enormously. Even in that fragmented world the right programme, brilliantly produced and with the right talent involved, can bring together an enormous audience.' It couldn't have come at a better time for the channel, which made a £2.7billion loss last year thanks to plummeting advertising revenues. Some six hundred jobs were axed at ITV and a number of popular veteran shows were either cancelled or rested. However, Fincham says the forty per cent pay cuts which were reported to have been threatened to shell-shocked BBC contracted starts will not be repeated on the commercial channel. 'I am not sure that it's a good idea to treat talent like children who've run amok in a sweet shop,' he said. Fincham is adamant his biggest stars - the likes of Simon Cowell and Ant and Dec - will remain with the channel, even though there will be pressure on them to take some sort of a pay cut. 'I don't want to give the impression ITV is at war with its talent,' he noted. 'We believe, perhaps more than any broadcaster, on having the best people on screen. We have no quarrel with the fact they are very well paid. There may be a number of channels who can get out the chequebook but can they get you ten, twelve, fifteen million viewers?' With regard to drama, Fincham noted 'This year we've had success with Place of Execution, Lost in Austen, Law & Order: UK and Whitechapel - all popular dramas appealing to broad audiences. In these tough financial times, drama is a harder genre to commit to at the levels we have been used to as it's so expensive to make. Heartbeat, The Royal and Primeval have been axed while a planned adaptation of A Passage to India was also canned. But we will do more period drama. Wuthering Heights will be shown later this year and I had a meeting yesterday about an important new period drama series. Whether or not it's the last Foyle's War is as much a decision for writer Anthony Horowitz as it is for us because it's set in the war and we've gone past VE day. We're making three more films taking us up to VJ day, but we're not saying this is the end of Foyle's War, not at all. As for Lewis, we're filming four more this summer. Primeval's been a big hit for ITV, but we're focusing more on 9pm dramas. These are tough decisions to make.'

ITV have finally confirmed that it will not be commissioning a second series of vampire drama Demons, despite a last-minute bid by the show's producer to save it by doing a deal with a US broadcaster. A question mark has hung over the Philip Glenister drama, which is made by Lis Murdoch's production company Shine, since ITV said it would focus its resources on post-watershed dramas and dropped another Saturday – more popular and, frankly much better – family drama series, Primeval. 'It will not be returning,' an ITV spokesman said of Demons with the kind of brutal finality that one normally expects to be followed by a 'good riddence to bad rubbish.' The Sun had reported in February that Glenister was quitting Demons, putting a big question mark over the show's future. It is understood that similar reasons to the cancellation of Primeval were given to Demons' producers by ITV when announcing their decision. Sources told Media Gruniad that the international distributors of Demons, Sony, had held talks with the Sci Fi Channel in the US, which would have seen the US cable broadcaster contributing some funding for a second series in order to make it cheaper for ITV. Sci Fi was also in concurrent talks to buy the first series of Demons, which would complement its existing - and popular - line-up of UK shows which includes Primeval, and a trio of cult-hit BBC series Doctor Who, Torchwood and Sarah Jane Interferes. However, now that ITV have officially confirmed it will not commission a second series, any deal with Sci Fi looks unlikely. Impossible Pictures, the producers of the dinosaur fantasy drama Primeval, tried a similar deal to finance a fourth series of their show. Sources have said that while ITV has not shut the door on all pre-watershed drama series, the ones it does commit to have to be 'cost effective' (so, that's cheap, basically) and 'work for the slot' as well as having a buzz around them.

That oily, full-of-himself cheb Piers Morgan has – for the second time in a few months - mocked Jonathan Ross's viewing figures, suggesting that Ross's popularity has not yet recovered from last year's scandal involving actor Andrew Sachs. Big fight, little people you might think. And, you'd be dead right. Ross, reader's may remember, was given a twelve-week suspension by the BBC after he and Russell Brand left obscene messages on Mr Sachs's answering machine during a radio programme. You might have heard about it. Somewhere. Speaking at the premiere of Bansky's Coming To Dinner in London, Morgan told London Lite: 'I don't think Jonathan Ross has bounced back from the Andrew Sachs scandal. Three million viewers, when I get over five million? If I were him I'd shoot myself.' Nice. Encouraging suicide, Mr Morgan. That's illegal, isn't it? Sort of thing you were rather infamous for when you edited the Mirror, wasn't it? Oh no, sorry, that was printing lies about British servicemen. My apologies, it's so easy to get those two things mixed up. Bit of selective boasting also, as it happens. Morgan's Life Stories did, indeed, attract an audience of a smidgen under five million viewers (not over it) for the episode where the presenter interviewed Katie Price about her various sexual adventures, but figures dropped to a low of 3.66 million for his talk with Richard Madeley a month later. By contrast Friday Night With Jonathan Ross had 4.74 million viewers on its return to TV in January, but has reportedly since settled down to an average of somewhere close to the show's pre-ban figure of around 3.75 million each week. Also, of course, there's the question of the lead-in shows for both. Ross has The Ten O'Clock News whilst Morgan had the hugely popular Dancing On Ice and, as a consequence, managed to lose vastly more of his inherited audience that Rossy could dream of doing. Morgan, of course, has 'form' relating to this kind of thing, having previously described Ross as 'smug' - yes, I know, very much a pot/kettle/black-type situation there - and said that the broadcaster and his peers were 'entertainers who wouldn't know a good journalistic question if it bit them on their backsides.' As opposed to Morgan himself, it would seem, who isn't either a good journalist or an entertainer, merely a pain in the rear. If there's one thing I - genuinely - hate in this world, it's wretched school bullies - particularly overgrown ones in their forties.

Some Top Telly Tips? You betcha.

Friday 26 June
It's been a long time coming, baby, but Neil Young makes his debut at Worthy Farm tonight as he brings his Revolution Blues down the mountain in a million dune buggies to Glastonbury - 10:05 BBC2. The rock goliath - one of Glasto founder Michael Eavis's favourite artists - is among several veterans playing on that oily stage in Wiltshire this year including, on Saturday, his former bandmates Dave Crosby, Stephen Stills and ... the other one. There's also the virry boss himself Bruce Springsteen and his E Street Band. Highlights of Young's performance can be seen on BBC2 around 11:00. Of course, Neil was actually due to play the festival about five or six years ago but he accidentally cut his finger whilst making a ham sandwich a few weeks before and had to pull out. True story! Less legendary perhaps, but making up in attitude what they lack in back catalogue, will be New York disco diva Lady GaGa (on BBC3), Friendly Fires and the hotly hot Little Boots. (Pictured, right, playing her organ in her pants - and, hey, whyever not?) This year's pop-rock sensation Fleet Foxes and the similar great white hope of several years ago, Doves, promise more traditional, guitar-based ballads, while a troupe of Radio1 presenters - including the still-great Marky Mark Radcliffe and Wor Luscious Lovely Lauren and the was-once-terrific-but-is-now-completely-up-her-own-arsehole Jo Whiley - pump out interviews and the backstage gossip. Hot-diggerdy. Look out, also, for Tom Jones, The Prodigy and Blur on Sunday. And, to complete your full Glastonbury experience, simply go into your back garden, hose the ground for half-an-hour until it's nice and muddy, drink a bottle of Tizer really quickly until your brain begins to throb, then take your telly about two hundred metres away and stand there squinting at it whilst ripping up twenty pound notes and you'll find it's be JUST like being there.

Saturday 27 June
Michael McIntyre takes his Comedy Roadshow – 9:30 BBC1 - over the Severn Bridge to Welsh Wales and Swansea's Grand Theatre, where he is joined - deep in the Valleys there's lovely, look you - by headliner that well-known Welshman Sean Lock (eh?). Plus Steve Williams, Ava Vidal and Alun Cochrane. I've liked bits of all three episodes so far (Shappi Khorsandi on last week's show, in particular - that was sensational) but it remains a rather patchy show and, essentially, what I described it as on the radio the week before the show even aired - The Comedians for the 21st Century. What you see is what you get.

Sunday 28 June
A bit of everything on TV tonight, which is good. There's Top Gear, of course - 8:00 on BBC2 – which, to be honest, I'd mention near enough every week if I could get away with it. Particularly as tonight's episode features dear old Stephen Fry as the Star in the Reasonably Priced Car. But, I feel it's only fair that I give some other shows a chance once in a while. Never fear, dear blog reader, we'll be mentioning The Gear a lot over the next six weeks. In Casualty 1909 - 9:00 BBC1 - the strain of being 'married to the hospital' takes its toll on Sister Ada Russell, as she nears collapse. On one of the London's Jewish wards, Nurse Goodley finds herself increasingly drawn to the charismatic radical Saul Landau - but Saul has a life-threatening illness. As mentioned last week, good little series this - my Beeb colleague Gilly Hope is a big fan. Lots of very good actors and, interestingly, although the drama is set a hundred years ago the writers are still able to tackle surprisingly modern issue-based stories (teenage pregnancy, addiction and pollution being three recent examples).

Alternatively, on Thin Ice - 9:00 BBC2 - James Cracknell and Ben Fogle, having rowed the Atlantic last year, attempt to race to the South Pole for an encore. Why? There's nothing there apart from some penguins. Anyway, the duo start their training and learn to cope with extreme cold and wind in a climatic chamber, expose themselves to hypothermia (you know, 'for a laugh') and, most importantly, find their third victim, sorry, team member – Trainspotting actor Jonny Lee Miller. Together, the three polar novices travel to Norway to attend their first race training session and to learn the basic skills required to survive the constant cold of Antarctica. When Top Gear did something like this a few years back, they just got in their car and drove. Much easier, I reckon. Cut out all of the unnecessary work.

The Secret Caribbean with Trevor McDonald - 8:00 ITV – is the first installment of a three-part series in which Sir Trev travels across the Caribbean visiting some of the beautiful, dangerous and vibrant islands that make this region so unique. First up is Necker Island - a family home for Richard Branson - which is, frankly, enough reason never to go there I'd've said - but also a luxury getaway for the super-rich. And that's a second reason. From there he discovers what life is like in Cuba before going to his birthplace, the gorgeous island of Trinidad, where he enjoys Carnival, a day of colourful and noisy celebrations.

Monday 29 June
Mark Evans presents a science series uncovering the anatomical secrets of some of the animal kingdom's most extraordinary species whilst evolutionary biologist Professor Richard Dawkins traces their place on the tree of life in Inside Nature's Giants - 9:00 Channel 4. Evolution has given elephants vast intestines as well as huge teeth and jaw muscles. The trunk is a wonder of evolution, capable of everything from picking up berries to ripping a tree from the ground.

It's the third week in a row where I've felt compelled to recommend The Supersizers - 9:00 BBC2. Which will be very popular round the office but not with my radio slot's producer who can't stand it or its presenters! Tough! This week, Giles and Sue go back to the 1950s, an era started with rationing and ended when Prime Minister Harold MacMillan remarked that we'd 'never had it so good.' Cookery writer Mary Berry helps Sue to become the perfect housewife as they start the week on rations with canned salmon and horse. Meanwhile, Giles has his boss from The Times round for Babycham and a dinner taken from Elizabeth David's contemporary bestseller, Mediterranean Food.

The ONE Show's resident interfering busybody, the gnomic Dominic Littlewood, claims to be 'battling of behalf of motorists' in Dom's On The Case: Road Rip-Offs - 7:30 BBC1. In this installment, Dom gets on the case in aid of drivers who've 'been driven mad by parking tickets' (what, actually properly 'driven mad' or, you know, just 'a bit annoyed and cheesed off'? I'm guessing it's more likely to be the latter). He also investigates why a government department is selling motorists' details to private companies. Yeah, rite on Dom. You stick it to The Man, brother. But then, a couple tell Dom how speed cameras are not just revenue-raisers and could have saved their fifteen-year-old daughter's life, the point at which, I imagine, most of the country's militant petrolheads will realise that this show isn't Top Gear's soul-mate and promptly switch over to Coronation Street on the other side with a 'hmmphf' of bitter disgruntlement. That's the thing about making bold claims about battling 'on behelf of motorists', pal, you can't go halfway - you're either Jezza Clarkson or you're Bill Oddie, there's simply no middle ground these days. Dom finally nails his colours firmly to the mast by challenging residents of a Southampton street to live without their cars for a week. See what I mean? That's 'battling on behalf of motorists,' is it? By getting them to stop driving? What a flawless plan.

Tuesday 30 June
Film-maker Dan Reed's Dispatches: Terror in Mumbai - 9:00 Channel 4 – details the 2008 terrorist attack in Mumbai via new evidence and interviews with those involved. The documentary features footage of the attacks and the carnage they brought and testimonies from senior police officers and hostages recounting their harrowing ordeals and dramatic escapes. It's nice to see that, in the midst of much of the crass nonsense it produces in the name of "entertainment" these days, Channel 4 does - just occasionally - still remember its public service broadcasting roots.

The World's Best Diet - 8:00 ITV – concludes a two-part special of hypocritical Food Fascism from the commercial network that's still perfectly happy to broadcast adverts for McDonald's, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken and all manner of other producers of lard-based obesity. Not that I want to see the back of such adverts, you understand, I've got no problem with them I'd much rather see the back of crass nonsense like this. Four overweight gut-bucket celebs (and again, as with Celebrity Masterchef last week I, and TV, use the word 'celebrity' quite wrongly) are adopting the diets of other cultures which have bucked the UK obesity trend to see who will lose the most weight and emerge the healthiest. And win a prize, probably - two weeks holiday inside a chocolate eclair of their choice no doubt. At least, however, they'll be able to get their overfed mush on TV for sixty minutes a week which is almost certainly the main point of the exercise. Today, the actress Linda Robson (remember her? She used to be in a sitcom about ten years ago) and columnist Carole Malone (whom?) head to Japan and LA to try out alternative ways of eating. Oh, they're going to just love their time in LA, wallowing in maple syrup in the land of the pancake breakfast. Plus presenter Jonathan Maitland reveals the winner of the six-week challenge. Who bloody cares?

In TV's Believe It Or Not - 9:00 BBC4 - comedian Sean Lock (second time he's been on my recommended list this week, dear blog reader) returns for another helping of extraordinary television from around the world. Essentially, this is Clive James on Television: The Next Generation only this time - unlike Clive, Tarrant, Jimmy Carr, Carrot et al - there's somebody who's actually funny presenting the format. Which is always a bonus, I feel.

Wednesday 1 July
On Coronation Street - 7:30 ITV - a stroll on the beach results in drama for Maria. Kevin comes up with an excuse to see Molly. Rosie's investment is greeted with horror at Underworld. Here's a little bit of Top TV Triv for you, dear blog reader - 'Underworld' is, of course, the name of the knicker-factory on Corrie. It was also the name of a 1977 Tom Baker four-part story in Doctor Who. Mike Baldwin changed the name of his factory at around the same time that a young writer (and rabid Doctor Who fan, author and, these days, script-writer) the lovely Gareth Roberts joined the Corrie production team as a Script Editor in the 1990s. Coincidence? I think not…

Tears, Lies & Videotape - Wednesday 10:35 ITV - looks at the behaviour of some notorious criminal liars, murderers and scum, including Shannon Matthews' mother Karen, Gordon Wardell, Tracie Andrews, Ian Huntley and Fadi Nasri. Some of these appeared, distraught, at televised press conferences to appeal for help and managed to fool the nation with their sinful naughtiness. Now psychologists Professor David Canter of Liverpool University and Professor Paul Ekman from the University of California examine the footage and investigate whether it was possible to tell that these people were lying. Were the signs there all along? If so, why were they believed in the first place?

Legends: Roy Orbison - The 'Big O' in Britain - 8:00 BBC4 – marks the twentieth anniversary of the singer's death. This documentary celebrates the extraordinary talent of Roy Orbison and his relationship with his most loyal fans and British musicians. Through a combination of interview and archive footage, it charts Orbison's career in Britain, from his early hits in the late fifties, through a sell-out concert tour with the Beatles in 1963 that rocketed him back to a level of superstardom that most thought was long since passed (he wrote 'Pretty Woman' on the bus during the tour whilst John and Paul watched, impressed) to the collaboration with his George Harrison in the Travelling Wilburys in the 1980s. This is the man who sang, in a voice marbled with passion and fear, 'Running Scared' one of the most remarkable and intense songs ever written (a particular favourite of John Peel, incidentally). What a fabulous performance. Really looking forward to this one. BBC4 music documentaries - the best thing on British TV at the moment by a considerable distance.

Thursday 2 July
It's all documentaries tonight, dear blog reader. RSPCA: On the Frontline - 7:30 Five – is a series following a group of newly qualified RSPCA inspectors as they start work on the front line of animal welfare. Pam is on patrol at a local agricultural show when tragedy strikes, Nic is called to deal with a nest of snakes in a shed and Amanda tries to save a hedgehog with a head injury. Ah.

Another impressive looking piece, The Best Job in the World - 9:00 BBC1 - follows the marketing campaign for an Australian State, which asked for potential caretakers for a beautiful barrier reef location, Hamilton Island, paying seventy thousand pounds for six months work, and with a luxury villa for accommodation thrown in. It was launched in the depths of credit-crunch January and caught the world's imagination with a cheeky Internet-based campaign. Thirty five thousand people (including me, actually) applied from across the globe with brilliantly funny and original one minute videos to sell themselves. Except mine was neither brilliant, funny nor particularly clever - just desperate - and that's, presumably, why I didn't get the gig! A lack of personality wouldn't have helped, mind! The winner, Ben Southall, starts work soon. Lucky chap! Enjoy yerself thoroughly, Ben, I'm sure it'll be the trip of a lifetime.

And, speaking of trips of lifetimes, Can I Get High Legally? - 9:00 BBC3- sees George Lamb diving, head first, into the world of legal party pills and herbal highs, sold openly and lawfully in shops across the UK and on the Internet. He sets out to discover why they are legal when seemingly similar drugs are not and whether this means they can also be called 'safe,' meets people who take and sell them and a doctor who says they are potentially more dangerous than class A drugs. He travels to Guernsey, where most of the young people he meets claim to have tried them and he finally decides to try one for himself. And, when he comes back from Neptune, he'll tell you all what it was like. Talk about the best job in the world, eh…?

This Week's Top Telly Round-Up

2009-06-18T10:09:00.011Z

Animal rights pressure group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is reported to be rather upset that Barack Obama killed a fly during a live televised interview with CNBC. They are, therefore, sending the president a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device which allows users to trap flies and then release them outside, unharmed, into the wild. Or, you know, into the garden anyway. 'We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals,' PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said on Wednesday. 'We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals.' During the interview at the White House on Tuesday, a fly intruded on Obama's conversation with correspondent John Harwood. 'Get out of here,' the president told the insect. When it refused to comply with the presidential edict, he waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smited it dead. Just like he'll do with any North Koreans what fancy their chances messing with the Big Boys, like. Allegedly. Tough on flies, tough on the causes of flies. I wonder if anyone has yet pointed out to PETA that, actually, flies aren't animals per se, they're insects, and that they should really be changing their name to PETA&I if they wish to have their comments taken even remotely seriously.

Former second-worst-but-still-pretty-damned-good James Bond Timothy Dalton (who was so good in Hot Fuzz a couple of years back) will be appearing in the two-part Doctor Who Christmas Special as a Time Lord, according to various media reports. Rumours abound across fandom as to whether he's playing one that we've previously met (Omega, Rassilon, Lord Borusa, Chancellor Goth, that one out of The War Games played by Philip Madoc that nobody can ever remember the name of) or a new character completely. The episodes will also see the very welcome return of John Simm as the blondest and maddest Master y'ever did see and, of course, the regeneration of David Tennant into Mel Smith. And loads of other stuff that I could tell you about but I'd have to eat myself afterwards.

Strictly Come Dancing judge Arlene Phillips has been given the boot, the Sun have alleged although the BBC have yet to confirm this. The sixty six-year-old choreographer was 'officially told by BBC bosses last night following top-level talks,' the paper states. Former show-winner Alesha Dixon is allegedly being lined-up in Phillips' place to inject some youthful glamour into the ageing panel. Producers are said to want a "sexier" feel to compete with ITV's The X Factor — a hit with younger viewers. Bosses also hope that signing Alesha will appeal to ethnic viewers.

Two new daytime shows for ITV to keep an eye open for:
The Chase - 29th June - 11th July, hosted by Bradley Walsh and The Fuse - 13th July - 24th July, hosted by Austin Healy. Both look a bit 'blah' and lowest-common-denominator for my tastes from the format descriptions but, as always, dear blog reader, I'd advise you to watch the first episodes and make your own minds up.

Here's a couple of pieces of possible TV scheduling news gleamed from the DVD release schedule - Trevor McDonald's Secret Caribbean is due out on DVD in mid-July. Could that be taking over from Stephen Tompkinson and his beautiful balloon adventures when that finishes next Sunday? As Ian Robinson pointed out on Gallifrey Base, 'Trevor McDonad's Secret Caribbean sounds like a new detective series. I can imagine Sir Trev hanging round the sleazy bars of Kingston, telling us stories of hoods and dames.' Indeed. He reads the news and he solves crime. This stuff just writes itself. BBC Press packs are also out for the next run of The Street, so that's, seemingly, another show which is looking likely for a July return.

In one of the Media Guardian blogs about Robin Hood the blogger states that 'the BBC is understandably reluctant to pull this hugely successful drama.' Has he (or she) any inside info, one wonders? As all of the traditional recomissioning signs point very much otherwise. The blogger mentions that Robin Hood shows 'no sign of dipping in popularity.' They clearly hasn't been watching the ratings for the current season in that case. Don't get me wrong I like the show a lot (possibly for many of the wrong reasons, but still...) but with Jonas Armstrong having already announced he's leaving, I have my doubts about the show's longevity. Particularly as their best two actors (the excellent Joe Armstrong and the brooding Richard Armitage) are already starting to pick up recurring roles elsewhere. But, there are strong rumours that Sally Wainwright has been asked by the BBC for ideas on reformating the franchise so, I guess, anything's possible.

It was a reasonable start for Occupation in terms of ratings on Tuesday though let's not get carried away. It's worth remembering that just four years ago Jane Tranter's 'Oh no, it's a total disaster' figure for Doctor Who's opening night was four million. Four and a half for Occupation at 9:00 on a nice Tuesday evening in the middle of June with not much opposition is ... all right, in the current climate but it's still not great. The fact that a repeat of New Tricks the night before got roughly the same number of viewers speaks volumes.

The BBC Trust has warned it will not 'sit quietly by' whilst the licence fee becomes a general 'slush fund,' in a strongly-worded list of objections to the Digital Britain report. Chairman Sir Michael Lyons stressed the governing body's statutory commitment to represent the interests of licence fee payers – claiming the government would have to 'make a good case for any other use' of the BBC's funding, over and above its return to viewers. He cited Ofcom findings that licence fee payers would prefer to have the money returned to them in the form of a lower licence fee than to have it used for any other purpose – equivalent to more than nine pounds per household by 2012-13. In particular, the Trust raised concerns over government plans to ring fence a portion of the BBC licence fee to pay for a second regional news operation on ITV. The proposal marks a major victory for ITV – but Lyons said there has not been enough debate about how much the operation would cost, and that they 'fail to take into account' other potential sources of commercial and public funding. It's about time somebody at the BBC started showing a bit of backbone about this quite disgraceful fiasco instead of cowering in the corner and saying 'please don't hurt us anymore.'

BBC4's feature-length Comedy Songs: The Pop Years was something of a surprise hit last night at 9pm with 606,000 viewers (3.2% share), the channel's third biggest hit so far this year. The ninety-minute show, which looked at the art of the comedic song with clips from iconic shows like Monty Python's Flying Circus and The Goons, started off with 416,000 and grew to a high of 718,000 at 9.45pm before trailing off in the last fifteen minutes. The show was up on the channel's slot average so far this year of 190,000 (0.9%). Only two shows on BBC4 have gained a higher audience this year: Anne Frank Remembered picked up 756,000 at 7.30pm on 9 January and Calendar Girls on 27 February at 10pm averaged 615,000.

BBC1's Saturday evening gameshow Hole in the Wall - which gained something of a cult following last year in the 'so bad, it's brilliant' arena - is to return for a second series, with production relocating to Scotland, a move that will help boost the corporation's regional programming quota. The show, which is based on a Japanese format and sees shiny lycra-clad celebrities try to squeeze through different-shaped holes in a moving wall, will also get a new presenter, with Dale Winton being replaced by Strictly Come Dancing star Anton du Beke, who was one of the gameshow's team captains last year. Joe Swash, the former EastEnders actor and winner of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!, and former England rugby player and Strictly contestant Austin Healey will be the new team captains. The ten-part series plus a one-off compilation show will air on BBC1 on Saturdays later this year.

BBC2's excellent food and lifestyle show Supersizers returned stronger than ever on Monday evening with 2.5m viewers (11.4% share), the show's largest ever audience. The Supersizers Eat… the Eighties, which saw presenters Giles Corren and Sue Perkins sample the culinary delights from the 1980s, was up on the channel's slot average for the year of 1.5m. The show also outperformed its previous highest audience for last year's episode The Supersizers Go… Seventies by 47,000.

Channel 4 will cross a frontier in survival programming by dropping a TV producer into the Canadian wilderness for twelve weeks with just a camera and a backpack. You know, 'for a laugh.' Produced by Tigress, the three-part Alone in the Wild will see Ed Wardle left in isolation, recording his experiences of trying to survive mentally and physically.

The Hoffmeister himself, David Hasselhoff will sleep in a haunted castle, row with the Oxford blues and sail a long-boat down the canals of Britain in a six part series for Living TV. The as yet unnamed series will be produced by Summer Films to air in September and follows the success of Living's Hoff: When Scott Came to Stay. The new programme will see Hasselhoff immerse himself in British life and culture for a summer, while his two daughters pursue their pop careers.

Endemol will pitch the Jerry Seinfeld-devised show The Marriage Ref to UK broadcasters after picking up the global rights to the new format. The show, which will be made by Shed Media US for NBC Universal, will be adapted for local markets including the UK by Endemol's global production network and will be marketed at MIP in October with a stand-up performance by Seinfeld. The format will feature fly-on-the-wall footage of couples airing marital disputes. A panel watch and comment humorously and a referee decides who should win each dispute and awards prizes. It will be executive produced in the US by Seinfeld and Oprah Winfrey Show showrunner Ellen Rakieten.

Actress Scarlett Johansson will invite Fearne Cotton to experience her Hollywood Lifestyle in a shadow-a-celebrity series for ITV2 this autumn. The four-part ITV Studios series will see the presenter spend up to two weeks with Johansson. Other episodes will see Cotton spending quality time with heiress Paris Hilton, singer Alesha Dixon and party girl Peaches Geldof. Christ almighty, who effing CARES?

The BBC is developing a new audience measurement tool that has nailed the 'Holy Grail' of audience metrics by factoring in all timeshifted and online viewing. The Cross Media Insight system takes into account narrative repeats, iPlayer figures, recorded programmes, red-button, mobileaccess and viewings via third-party sites such as YouTube, and aggregates them over a fixed period after a show’s initial broadcast. Crucially, it also records uptake from the point of view of the user rather than the platform - known as single source measurement and dubbed the holy grail of audience monitoring. In its current beta phase, it is based on the weekly media diaries of six hundred and viewers. If they're looking for volunteers for the next phase of development, I'll do it!

Five chief executive Dawn Airey has hit back at critics who suggest the Digital Britain report means a bleak outlook for the broadcaster, insisting: 'Five is not in tatters.' Fair enough. What about 'in chaos'? Is that any better?