The real Jeni

Yay for science!

2008-09-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

So apparently now scientists have discovered the horror of eating vegetables:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/HealthSci/Eating_veggies_shrinks_the_brain/articleshow/3480629.cms

Luckily, I suspected this all along and have carefully guarded against the overconsumption of vampire vegetables.

Cats and ducks beneficial to health ?

2008-09-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Yahoo linked to an article reporting the results of a recent study. The study found that people who lived close to a big-box retailer (such as Wal-Mart) weighed on average .5 pounds less than the general population; people who lived close to a big-box retailer that included a grocery store weighed on average .18 pounds less. Researchers concluded that people who live close to such stores save money on daily necessities and therefore have more money to buy fresh fruits and vegetables, which improves their health; this is particularly true for lower-income families, whose quality of life is impacted by even small savings.

Unfortunately, the article failed to report the more interesting findings of this study. First of all, people who have cats were found to eat 1.7% less ice cream than the general population. Since ice cream is a stereotypical comfort food, researchers speculate that having a cat reduces people's stress level, thereby improving their health.

The second interesting finding: people who live within .75 miles of a duck pond are 2.13% more likely to consider pursuing a degree in philosophy. This statistic suggests that people who spend time observing the natural world are more likely to speculate about the nature of existence and engage in abstract critical thinking.

Dr. Samuel Smith, who designed the study, hopes that this new research will prompt change. "I urge Congress to offer tax incentives to cat owners in order to help fight obesity," he said. "I also encourage local government officials and neighborhood associations to allocate more of their funds to the creation and preservation of duck ponds to encourage the critical thinking skills needed by our children in order to become a successful leaders of tomorrow."

a change in philosophy

2008-08-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Prior to this date, I, the real Jeni, have waged war against the infuriating existence of many fake Jenis. I now hereby acknowledge the superiority of all fake Jenis, who possess the great advantage of not having tendons by virtue of their unreality. I now long to join their ranks and hope that they shall accept me as one of their own.

a new career?

2008-08-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

Your humble narrator didst recently receive a most exotic present fashioned by the craftsman Sanrio in the distant regions of Thailand. This fine gift is not one of gold, or of silver, or of myrrh, but rather consists of a delicate fruity pudding named in honor of one Hello Kitty. Though wary at first of its opacity and its gelatinous consistency, your narrator hast at last partaken of the molded delicacy and hast discovered it to be quite tasty indeed. And so she hast now forsworn to become forthwith an Ambassador for the glorious product "Hello Kitty's Fruity Pudding."

Cat attack

2008-01-16T19:15:00.001-08:00

After recently suffering from a vicious attack by one "Blocks," which left forehead mangled and bloody, I am now at home recovering under the care of the gentle Gergiev. The wise feline physician has recommended extensive rest with an open lap policy, though your humble narrator is beginning to suspect that her motives might not be entirely untainted by self-interest.

Just for you, Daniel

2007-11-27T13:11:00.001-08:00

Today after noticing on Mad Scientist's blog that her name had been changed to "Jeni, the silent feline," your humble narrator realized just how long it had been since her last blog entry. Mad Scientist is mistaken however. Felines are not silent . . . they are merely mired in the seventh circle of hell--the one in which you are transformed into a gnarled bush and attacked by Harpies while watching your own corpse hanging from a tree limb. This middle ring of the seventh circle is reserved for those who commit violence against the self; according to Dante, this translates to suicides. Alas, the great poet was blissfully unaware that self-violence may take many forms, dissertating being among the worst. Perhaps someday, your narrator shall emerge as a whole person again. Until then, she shall proclaim the horrors of excessive education: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate.

I love nature. I hate nature. Stupid ambivalent force!

2007-08-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

Throughout this past week, your humble narrator hast been tormented by an infestation of crickets in her working environment. Last night however, nature was forgiven for all her horrors as your narrator was, whilst on her bicycle, chased for some distance by a frolicsome baby skunk. Such a shame that she was not able to stop and play with said skunk for fear of being defiled . . .

Experiment

2007-08-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

In the interests of science, your narrator is going to see how long she can avoid transportation via automobile . . . assuming, that is, that her new bicycle is not stolen, in which case she shall permanently adopt the philosophy of reverse karma. And what, you the gentle reader may be asking, is this lofty new philosophy? Simply that one is quite legitimately permitted to re-enact any evil deed committed upon them. So let the world beware and anger the Jenis of the earth no longer!

Catism dead?

2007-06-21T20:48:00.001-07:00

My beloved cat Gergiev told me today that she may never blog again. How sad!

Cat reciprocates and decorates

2007-06-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

Dear brave Sara didst offer of late some gourmet fare to my beloved cat Gergiev. Inspired by this kind offerring, Gergiev hast loaned her lilac-coloured catmobile to Sara's beloved feline companions, Ray and Egon, to usher them in comfort and style to their newly acquired vintage apartment. Unfortunately, said cats have not the slender physique of the stately Gergiev and were not able to be accomodated by the proffered vehicle.

Meanwhile, the stately cat hast set her eye upon improvements in our own humble abode. Having decided that our mahogany-filled apartment needed some deco flair, she proceeded to assist and urge her obliging human companion to sift through ebay, thrift stores, and local garage sales so as to acquire some green and gold deco bookends, a deco bath scale, two extraordinary brass deco waste baskets, and a vintage phone and heater. Perhaps someday, my talented cat shall unveil her talents to the world by opening up a classy vintage store.

Cats on the Internet

2007-06-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

Mr. Lee is a cat who is becoming a famous photographer on the Internet. Perhaps my cat Gergiev will write a feline interest story about him to allay the doom and gloom associated with the cat food recall.

Burning down the house . . .

2007-05-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

This evening, your humble narrator did leave an empty kettle upon a burner, resulting in the fusing of the two. Fortunately, the situation was but temporary and said kettle was disattached from stove, leaving behind only a circle of red paint. My cat Gergiev was quite alarmed and has requested that such situation not occur in her house again.

Gourmet Fare

2007-05-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my cat Gergiev and I shared a stuffed cornish hen provided courtesy of Gergiev's beloved godmother. And that's truly the extent of the excitement in my life right now . . .

How Much Training Does It Take To Raise A Child?

2007-05-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

A Back-Seat Mother writes to Dear Prudence regarding her husband, an elementary education professor, and his mother, a child psychologist. Instead of consulting with his wife, the husband/father, himself an expert in children, consults with a professional, his child psychologist mother:

I feel like I haven't been given the opportunity to test out my maternal instincts or skills since our first child was born…they [husband/father and his mother] are more like colleagues consulting with each other….I know they may be experts when it comes to childhood issues, but shouldn't I be given the opportunity…even if I do mess up?

Dear Prudence responds as if professionals raising children is a problem. In this day of highly specialized fields professionals will of course do the raising of children. Instead of viewing this as a problem, the mother should be thankful that her daughter is so lucky as to have a professional for a father. Many children have to go to professional, but this child only need see her father. It is only logical that such an expert would consult another expert and not a layman like the mother. This mother needs to stop thinking of herself. Her husband and his mother received years of training before they could ruin a child’s life, and yet this mother wants to do it with no training at all.

If this mother turned to Catism she could become a follower of the Founder and Glorious Leader of Catism The Cat Gergiev, follow the example of others, without violating a cat's rights, and live a full life serving cats.

It really does exist . . .

2007-05-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

While biking near the Expo Center/Fairgrounds in Sacramento this week, anonymous law student and I stumbled across a sign with arrows pointing to various locations and attractions. One arrow pointed to a most mysterious location called "Mad Science." Unfortunately, there was a barbed wire fence keeping us from pursuing Mad Science. I shall have to make up for this failure by visiting the human incarnation of Mad Science for some more pecan badminton.

P.S. Kudos to my cat Gergiev for finally participating in survey tag, however late it may be.

Some sort of progress

2007-04-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

A draft of chapter two is now complete. Now I may enjoy CA guilt-free. :)

Random thoughts from yesterday

2007-04-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I tried as hard as I could to avoid dissertation writing. Perhaps a few randomly selected thoughts that went through my head during the day will give you a sense of what it is like to write a dissertation:

Are flea markets open on Sunday?

Is $10 too high for a toaster oven?

I wonder if that guy is actually going to get change or if he's just gonna run off with my $20.

Moving heavy furniture around is a great idea.

Wow, it's actually kind of hard to move a bookcase that's like two feet taller than I am.

I should move this pump organ into my bedroom.

I should move this pump organ out of my bedroom.

How come this organ was so easy to get into this room and so impossible to get out?

If I can't get it out of the room, maybe I can at least move it back in.

If only I could squeeze my rib cage through this four and a 1/2 inch opening . . . I just need to try a little harder.

Is it possible my organ is haunted and has purposefully trapped me in my own bedroom?

What am I going to do with these two leftover chairs?

Why do I own a spice rack? What is the point of decanting spices? This will not do.

exciting weekend

2007-04-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

On this most lovely weekend, your narrator hast decided to invest in some charming vintage items purchased on eBay and the local flea market: some necklaces, a pair of earrings (the old-fashioned, screw-in kind), and a fur collar.

Meanwhile, my clever cat Gergiev has been stalking the venerable paper shredder, pouncing upon parcels from my aforementioned shopping adventure, and lying adorably in a basket.

Today, your humble narrator and her cat were visited by two schnauzers and a freakishly tall man. Gergiev has since complained that she does not approve of such company--the schnauzers, that is. She does not seem to have any qualms with the freakishly tall. Yet.

Let the revolution begin . . .

2007-04-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

Here are the lyrics from a song called "Song for the Orca" that I would like to dedicate to my fiesty cat Gergiev. May the cats inherit the earth! Enjoy . . .

This song is for the orca,
Swimmin' 'round in circles at Sea World,
Someday you'll drown the dude with the clip-board,
Someday,

This song is for the gator,
Layin' in the roadside cage in FLA,
You'll tear the cracker to shreds someday,
I'll read about you in USA Today,
And it feels so nice,
That the Lord made this day,
And it feels so right,
To know that justice,
Will have it's say,

This song is for the pitbull,
Covered in the cigarette burns,
Someday you'll find a sweet aorta,
Someday, someday,

This song is for the lion,
Shaved of all his dignity and pride,
One will fall over that railing someday,
I'll see the story on MSNBC,
And it feels so right,
That the Lord let this be,
And it feels so right,
To know that justice does agree,

This song is for the python,
Coiled in the box that does not fit,
Someday you'll crush the air from his lungs,
Someday,

This song is for the ape now,
Staring out through bars with comprehending eyes,
At dull and useless people,
Someday,

This song is for the orca,
Dreaming of the Norway fjord,
With open sores from rubbin' dirty tank walls,
Someday...

What To Do About Deadly Cat Food Still On Shelves

2007-04-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

In these days of deadly cat food the Founder and Glorious Leader of Catism The Cat Gergiev has dutifully reported on the number one issue facing cats right now on a daily basis. The Menu Food cat food recall has resulted in documented deaths, company distortions, and much more.

A most important post by The Cat Gergiev is "Cat Food That Is Not Recalled." This contains information to start research on safe cat food. It is not easy and simple, but when there is still deadly cat food on store shelves there is no alternative.

Catism must not be ignored.

A dream come true . . .

2007-04-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

Today, one of your narrator's greatest dreams hast come to pass: she received an email from one Hello Kitty. It was a most glorious event, despite the mildly disappointing fact that it was a mass email and not addressed specifically to her. I suspect this could be the beginning of an adorable animated friendship . . .

Science success!!

2007-04-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time long long ago, little Jeni fell in love with a coffee shop outside of Ft. Worth. Said coffee shop made a wonderfully light and fluffy cold cappuccino drink with a sweet thick frothy layer on top, much like a traditional hot cappuccino. Eventually, the mighty empire of one Starbucks gained dominion over the earth, so that when the now grown Jeni returned from college she couldst find her shop no more. Long did she mourn her loss, until finally at long last, she didst this very day perfect the secret recipe to the drink of her youth. Said drink contains:

a double shot of expresso
sugar (to taste)
cream/milk (to taste)
1/2 scoop vanilla flavored whey protein
4 ice cubes

Process in blender until smooth and frothy.

Return to the blue lagoon . . .

2007-03-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

At long last, your humble narrator hast returned to the vast abyss of dissertating and hast vowed to remain there for no less than the entire duration of chapter the second. She hast found, much to her delight, that imbibing a single glass of peach juice laced with Malibu rum seems to foster such activities--hopefully not to the detriment of coherence. She hath furthermore discovered, in apparent connection with her venture, a vehement desire for the music of one 'Cher' and wonders if there might be some clandestine and hitherto unexplored association between said musician and Stoic virtue.

Interior Designers Run Amok

2007-03-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

The item pictured above, currently offered for sale by Ballard Designs, is called a "seashell topiary." Ballard Designs has taken a classic piece of garden design--the topiary, which is a plant that has been trimmed into a particular shape--and turned it into what resembles a freakish beehive hairdo that has been attacked by a swarm of killer hermit crabs. Bravo! Like most interior design disasters, you will notice that this item smacks of crafty creativity, is meant to be part of a themed room (indeed, you can also purchase a lovely matching seashell wreath), and has absolutely no function beyond provoking the occasional furrowed brow of a visitor. I hereby present it with Jeni's Award for Tackiest Design Item.

What To Do If Your Co-Workers Bore You

2007-03-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

How To Get Included When Co-Workers Leave You Out addressed Amy's question to Ask Amy about what to do regarding naked women in e-mail forwards at work that she did not receive.

Typical of most advice columnists, Ask Amy, or the asking Amy, left out many details. Anonymous mentions one such scenario that may arise.

As I wrote to the asking Amy:

You need to assess yourself. Why are you growing intolerant? Why are you so afraid of porn? Why are you embarrassed by it? Is it your parents? School? Are you afraid of sexuality?

Once the asking Amy assesses herself she might conclude with the assessment that commentor Anonymous takes up:

Some people just find porn boring rather than offensive.

In the case where Amy finds porn boring she should begin yawning as her co-workers discuss their porn pictures around the water cooler, and tell them, "Could we possibly discuss something more boring? Like work?" Should they protest, she may then tell them that she understands because her son, cousin, nephew, or brother used to find porn exciting. Then he turned 16 and started dating girls, which he found to be much more exciting, and she is sure they will eventually grow into real pursuits. She could then offer to provide them all dating advice for $25 an hour per person in a group session. She will then making money during her lunch break.