The Scoffing Critic

Wedding Crashers

2006-08-09T18:17:00.000-07:00

Overall:

x 19 out of 25

A entertaining movie that should be seen. It’s a great flick for laughs to watch with almost any audience. It centers around a plot of two outgoing men who learn to grow out of crashing weddings for women. The movie opens with a great scene with two guys who work together as legal mediators. Jeremy (Vince Vaughn) and John (Owen Wilson) have a tradition of crashing weddings during wedding season. They are loyal friends who have 117 rules about wedding crashing, invented by a man whose role is played by Will Ferrell. At first, the movie starts out heavy on the masculine jokes. It is marketed for young men, however early on in the movie, the chick plot emerges. Once again, this is strategy to garner the biggest box office numbers. It did take in nearly $210 million greenbacks at the box office. It’s entertaining, and a great flick for laughs. However, there are issues that upset the scoffing critic.

Director:

Usually in comedies, the audience doesn't care who shot the movie, we just focus on the actual comedy of it. David Dobkin makes a good, solid effort in organizing the structure of the movie. To this end, it's geared towards making scenes interlink and plot stronger. Time-wise he could've done a little bit more tinkering, it is over two hours long. But nice job for a name I've never heard of.

Actors:

The movie focuses on two bachelors (Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson) who are having a great time doing what they do best: crashing weddings to hook up with girls. This would be even better if STD’s didn’t exist, but eh, whatever it’s a movie. They work together quite well with the timing of jokes and variety of funny scenes, which a comedy should focus on. It’s difficult to imagine to not be cast in this movie for this duo. Vaughn’s sarcasm and optimism carries quite well in the movie as he tries to get Wilson out of his clash with love. They play their roles quite well and would like to see them do more comedies together. Will Ferrell makes an appearance as the 40 year-old inventor of wedding crasher with niche for innovation. A great surprise was seeing Christopher Walken as Rachel McAdams' politican Dad.

Actresses:

Yes, Rachel McAdams was a hottie in the Notebook. (Warning: only watch the Notebook if your’e truly desperate to get her back or your’e ready to move to the next level. I haven’t seen the Family Stone, but the pictures look promising) Anyways, she looks cute, but not quite as cute as she did in the Notebook. Once you get over the difference in how she’s presented in the Notebook, you’ll grow onto her. Definitely a girl you want to bring home to your family. The crazy-teenish sister of McAdams is something a rational man would want to avoid, but if you have that kind of taste like Vaughn’s character, more props to you.

Strength of masculinity:

Super, until Rachel McAdams shows up. The jokes are geared towards the men, but in the end, there's a great sublimal message that women appreciate. In reality, I doubt guys would want to be like Ferrell's character and not have that kind of relationship with the opposite sex when your'e 40 and living with Mom. Obviously, that'd be just plain gay if that kind of relationship was with a guy. Yes, we do need to grow up, but until that girl catches our eyes, we're going to party like we just won the super bowl. It is, mainly, a heterosexual film, thank the director for that, so its not terribly anti-masculine. There's a scene which the disturbed brother Rachel McAdams comes in to Vince Vaughn's room while he's tied up. It's not funny at all. That should've been left out entirely. Some points to take home from the movie: we see the value of taking dance lessons, being an easy-going guy and learning a few, clean jokes.

Plot:

these guys look like they’re 28ish and they’re running around like fraternity college students. Of course, the end will focus on not crashing weddings and growing up. That’s fine and all, but that’s not what young men, like me, want to see. Men, we still have that kid inside of us, and if your fiancée or girlfriend lets you use that side, hang on to that one. The disturbed brother character should've been left out of the plot entirely. Exaggerated in the worst proportions, to the point its not funny.

Some quotes:John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith: No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
John Beckwith: Drop it.
Jeremy Grey: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John Beckwith: Drop it!
[starts walking away]
Jeremy Grey: Team player!
..............

Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

Top Gun (1986)

2006-06-29T02:17:00.000-07:00

Overall:

x 24 out of 25.

The opening credits gives a great indicator that the movie you’re about to see will be a fantastic one. Every time I hear that opening number, I can’t wait for those jets to take off and anticipate some slick adrenaline-lined dogfighting. Easily one of the best movies of the ‘80s to hit the big screen. The reason for this relies on the simple blockbuster formula with a sexy cast and awesome toys. A true blockbuster will capture a collective audience attention so it must add a dimension that will attract female moviegoers. Quite simple formula here: Action for guys + love scenes for the ladies = huge box office success. Throw in some expensive and fun toys and you’ll have some serious attention paid to it. Any other way with this formula, you will get a mediocre film or a total flop. Case in point: homosexuality in Alexander by Oliver Stone. Top Gun hits that formula quite well as it delivers a terrific balance for guys to cringe through the lovey-dovey waste-of-film shots while taking in the excellent plot and action sequences. Definitely worth watching at least five times and then go out and buy the collector’s edition with a new 5.1 Dolby system if you don’t have one.

Director:

Tony Scott delivers an exceptional film that is balanced to woo the audience into appreciating the story. When the plot calls for quick, intense sequences, Scott does a terrific job of producing this need. Of course, the director was playing with some big, expensive toys. Apparently he got fired three times during production. I guess the producers (Bruckheimer, no less) were nervous he would blow up a 25 million dollar plane or somebody would be killed during filming (which did happen and the film is dedicated to that man). Fortunately for Tony, the production kept going and his film saw the light of day. Thank God. I don’t know how the ‘80s would’ve come out if it wasn’t for Top Gun with the USSR threat and the resulting en-masse sign-ups for the Navy. Unfortunately for those recruits, they found out it wasn’t all that cracked up to be as it was portrayed in the film. Suckers. The wall fell in 1988 and not many fighter engagements had occurred until 1995. Paired with the excellent script and its lovable lines, the movie would’ve flopped without this director on the helm. The volleyball game sequence was completely unnecessary. Any woman who views this movie will want their man to look like those military-trained bods. It’s difficult to maintain a superb body and a sharp, intelligent mind in a chaotic student lifestyle while courting your woman.

Actors:

This is highly regarded as the film that made Tom Cruise a star for obvious reasons. Women wanted to steal his heart while guys salivated to be the idyllic man character portrayed in Top Gun. Tom Cruise does a great job in this movie as a hotshot young fighter pilot. However, any more lines that would simply try to build up the script, this movie would’ve tanked. Top Gun also was the stepping stone towards a successful career for Val Kilmer playing the no-risk, no-mistake honcho with an accurate call sign of Iceman. Maverick has some cheesy lines and some parts were he was sloppy in delivering those lines in the movie, but overall he portrays the man you want to be. Cool, risky, women flock to him like a bee on honey and he flies fast planes that go BOOM.

Actresses:

Kelly McGillis does a great job of filling the role of the Top Gun instructor who maturely slides herself into Maverick’s lap. Guys, you’re going to love her subtle come-ons and mature, but still teasing approach to instructing her students. Exception: Part where she criticizes Maverick on the risky decision he takes during a hop, her glasses are the size of the bottom of coke bottles. Unfortunately for her, the movie did extremely well and didn’t cope well with the demands of high-publicity. Meg Ryan is Goose’s fun-loving wife and scores major points for seeing an younger Meg Ryan, albeit not her strongest role for her. Disappointingly, you never see her lips up close, those things drive the Scoffing Critic crazy in her other films. Both Actresses do a great job in delivering their roles without any major off-character blemishes.

Strength of Masculinity:

Huge points here. Lots of action, great story, and moral of the story it’s good to be an Navy Combat Pilot. Yes, the Scoffing Critic’s trademarked kudos bar rating system is to give points for movies strong on masculinity. This is one of the few films made that the Scoffing Critic will accept as not being a negative in regards to the love aspect. The fact is that it revs up the engine of women everywhere by watching that scene and that isn’t a bad thing in the Scoffing Critic’s opinion. You just watched a movie with kick-ass action and now your woman wants to re-create that one scene: post-screening, a film doesn’t get better than that. However, that volleyball scene is inappropriate to the standards of the Scoffing Critic. They should’ve done paintball or something that didn’t require sweaty, muscle popping bodies to be shown on a screen. It ruined the even flow of masculinity that was building up to the climax of the movie.

Plot:

Timing of this movie had a noticeable imprint on American society. Men and women signed up to be a part of the Navy, American pride swelled of defeating the enemy (USSR), and a Top Gun 2 would be almost impossible today considering the risk of flying the newest machines that go super-sonic without any effort and turn like a Mini Cooper. One of the reasons for Top Gun being popular was because of its lines for the actors. Here’s a prime example. A female resident walked out during a poker night at the dorms, in which a guy broke out singing “she’s lost that lovin’ feeling”. Without hesitation, the rest of the guys joined in with perfect lyric performance. This film is 19 years old and still, us young folk recognize its thematic relevance. (She was already scooped up…but you never know if she’s lost that lovin’ feeling).

Here’s a few of those simple but enjoyable lines:

Maverick: [spots Charlie for the first time] She's lost that loving feeling.
Goose: She's lo... No she hasn't.
Maverick: Yes she has.
Goose: She's not lost that lo...
Maverick: Goose, she's lost it man.
Goose: Come on!
Goose: [to himself] Aw sh... I hate it when she does that.

Maverick: This is what I call a target rich environment.
Goose: You live your life between your legs Mav.
Maverick: Goose, even you could get laid in a place like this.
Goose: Hell, I'd be happy to just find a girl that would talk dirty to me.

Charlie: So lieutenant, where exactly were you?
Maverick: Well, we...
Goose: Thank you.
Maverick: Started up on a 6, when he pulled from the clouds, and then I moved in above him.
Charlie: Well, if you were directly above him, how could you see him?
Maverick: Because I was inverted.
Iceman: [coughs whilst saying] Bullshit.
Goose: No he was man, it was a really great move. He was inverted.
Charlie: You were in a 4g inverted dive with a MiG28?
Maverick: Yes ma'am.
Charlie: At what range?
Maverick: Um, about 2 meters.
Goose: It was actually about 1 and a half I think. It was 1 and a half, I've got a great Polaroid of it, and he's right there, must be 1 and a half.
Maverick: Was a nice picture.
Goose: Thanks.
Charlie: Eh lieutenant, what were you doing there?
Goose: Communicating.
Maverick: Communicating. Keeping up foreign relations. You know, giving him the bird!
Goose: [Charlie looks puzzled, so Goose clarifies] You know, the finger
[gestures appropriately]
Charlie: Yes, I know the finger, Goose.
Goose: I-I'm sorry, I hate it when it does that, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Goose: Come on, Mav, do some of that pilot shit!

The lyrics for “you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling”….guys….learn this so your buddy can get laid.

You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips.
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby).
But baby, baby I know it...

You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh.

Now there's no welcome look in your eyes when I reach for you.
And now your're starting to critisize little things I do.
It makes me just feel like crying, (baby).
'Cause baby, something in you is dying.

You lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woooooah

Baby, baby, I get down on my knees for you.

The Constant Gardener

2006-03-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

The box packaging of the movie gives away a long known bias of the continent of Africa: it's a shithole filled with disease. Decent movie, nothing to scare away the girl if she doesn't mind the poverty. A word of caution though, if your girlfriend actually has a brain she might think it's ok to cheat if it's for exposing some unethical drug trials that may prevent thousands of unsuspecting victims from dying. Is it worth your money? depends if you want to watch the movie with a girl and she might think you have a heart, sure. But going solo with this movie, you'll want a refund.
13 out of 25

The director tries to balance the negative scenes of children playing with raw sewage and nakedness with scenes of African landscape that begs the question "who approved the film?" Fernando Meirelles makes some interesting scenes and some parts are surpising, but surprisingly some scenes lack the intensity I would expect in real situations. Some parts of the film lag, and what I mean by this is that the film doesn't come together that well. It's consistent in the plot, but its murky when details try to show up and the cast can't seem to express the frustrations a normal person would have if they were involved in the plot. Not a movie that will charge your gf's batteries but still well made.

Ralph Fiennes, plays a strong part in the early portion of the movie, but that image of a somewhat geeky professor fades away and as he is faced by momentual challenges throughout the moive. Hard to say what kind of score he deserves. He didn't kick some ass so thats a downer. He does try to avenge his wife's death (but finishes wimply) which is a cool way to make enemies.

Initially, Rachel Weisz comes out in the early stages of the movie as a hottie but that quickly fades away as she becomes exposed as a liberal, cheating, irrational woman. That's a major turnoff. Sorry babe, you know risking your family's life to expose a pharma from using Africa as petri dish isn't all what its cracked up to be. She makes up slightly by being naked in the movie.

Frankly, the testerone level of this critic never got pumping until he saw that the main character just stood there in front of the bastard that screwed his wife. Come on, save the vengence crap for later. As an old friend, he deserves a good punch in the face. He lets the African mafia shoot him up even though he has a chance to get out of it (ok yeah a 9mm against 3 semi-autos would be challenging). If you're about to be killed you don't hallucinate that your wife is ready for you in heaven and give up on avenging her death. The sequence where the village is raided by some guys on horses with guns is a little exciting in the aspect that there's danger lurking, but a major turnoff that we find is they don't have any weapons to fight back with. Apparently, the UN expects them to kill invaders with sticks. There was a suspicion that one particular fellow was screwing the wife, but he turned out to be gay. Should've just told him before they died, I'd rather know if he was gay or not if I was suspicious.

There's a good amount of originality in here, but it doesn't mesh that well together. That's probably the fault of the director and pressure from producers. It takes a damn long time to develop the plot. Good thing I sold my pharma stock, otherwise it would've been sold this morning. This movie follows the known bias of Africa being a shithole. Apparently it still is and probably will be for a long time. Give 'em condoms ya morons.

Movie Review System

2006-03-06T00:30:00.000-08:00

Total Review score: Out of 25 pints of beer

Subscores:

Director: does the movie make sense? Are there weird scenes that could’ve been left out of the overall story? Do I learn from the movie?

One pint: who hired the director?
Two pints: not worth renting
Three pints: could be worth renting/opportunity to make out with gf.
Four pints: worth buying
Five pints: cult movie status

Actors: Are they good? Do they fit the role?

One pint: “what’s this? An acting coach?”
Two pints: noticeably bad. short of wanting to kick him in the balls
Three pints: ok. Doesn’t make your gf want to date him
Four pints: a presence in the movie. Solid actor
Five pints: Jack Bauer immortality status

Actress: talented?

One pint: something just horribly off about her
Two pints: fits the role
Three pints: she’s hot
Four pints: you want to date her
Five pints: you want to marry the girl

Strength of Masculinity : is the movie appropriate for a straight male to watch? Or is it a chick flick? Lots of action, violence. Or cheesy girly stuff?

One pint: brokeback mountain type movie. Way too gay.
Two pints: gay innuendo
Three pints: ok to watch by yourself. Decent action sequences
Four pints: your gf will stay even though its heavy on masculinity
Five pints: call a stripper

Plot strength/Originality on screenplay: is the script original? Exciting? Doesn’t take three cups of coffee to make it through the end? Interest is steady throughout the movie?

One pint: ho-hum…where are my study materials?
Two pints: ok movie. No originality.
Three pints: personal contemplation on some level.
Four pints: engaging to talk to your buddies about it.
Five pints: groundbreaking. Corporations will do spin offs.