Mom of many

Moving!

2009-09-10T19:35:00.001-05:00

I have combined our online lives and we have a new site/blog! Please visit at http://lifewithoutregret.com

my what's broken? (and update on Nate)

2009-09-02T22:16:00.004-05:00

So, Dr H and I are becoming fast friends. Ok, maybe not but we have been chatting a bit. He called yesterday with some good news, Nathan is not currently anemic. He still had work to do though.

He called again this afternoon. He told me he wanted to talk about me for a minute. Turns out he got my full CT report today and he had a Diagnosis for ME. Medullary Sponge Kidney. He told me to go back to my urologist.

Alas, this doesn't help Nathan in the slightest. The problem I have is not at all genetic and doesn't fit Nathan at all. He told us that he still had to talk to Dr A (Nate's Ophthamologist) who wasn't in today but Nathan's urine came back showing he is wasting salt. He said this puts another check mark in the Nephronophthisis side of the puzzle. He told us that the salt wasting explains the polyruria and subsequent polydipsia, so we now have a reason for that, but we are not yet perfectly clear on the bigger picture.

He said he does not want to diagnose a disease like Nephronophthisis without being very confident that is the case, so he's not going to, at this point. He said that genetic testing won't help us, since only 2 of the 5 variants of the disease have known gene involvement. (They know which gene is responsible) What this means is that in the event that the super expensive genetic test came back "negative", we would be no better off than we are today.

He said that he was going to talk to Dr A tomorrow and call me again. He also said that although he knows how absolutely frustrating it may be to hear, we may be gearing up for a bit of a hurry up and wait game. We are in that horrible gray area and we may need to just give Nathan more time to give us clearer answers, repeat all of these tests in 6 months and see what happens. He told us that there is such a wide spectrum as to what is going on, that our son has kidney disease, but to give it a name and a prognosis at this moment is difficult.

I respect his hesitation. A diagnosis of Nephronophthisis is devastating. To know that our son would be in end stage renal failure before adulthood is beyond terrifying. To tell someone that without being confident would be irresponsible. I still absolutely adore Dr H. He has kept us up to date every single step of the way.

Honestly, I would link you to some info on this disease but it is so rare the most that can be found is in medical journals that without a decent understanding of Medical Terminology and physiology you would just scratch your heads. To explain it the best I can the juevenile form of the disease includes small kidneys that develop cysts which destroy the kidneys. This causes kidney failure 100% of the time, resulting in end stage kidney failure necessitating transplant in the teen years. It also includes other body systems, frequently the eyes (remember, Nate has cataract and progressively poor vision in his right eye). It usually manifests fairly early on with anemia, polyuria, polydipsia, and salt wasting. Obesity and mental retardation are common (the two things keeping him from the diagnosis, Nate is actually quite small for age at <3%> and by milestones, of average intelligence.

I'm so absolutely torn. I most definitely do not want my son diagnosed with a disease like NHPH but at the same time I just want someone to finally tell me what's going on and what to expect. The not knowing is about as horrible as it gets I think.

For now we continue to let him drink as he wishes and eat as much salt as he craves. And wait. Dr H will call me tomorrow after he chats with Dr A.

I was suspicious.... now I'm even more suspicious, he said

2009-08-31T22:41:00.003-05:00

So today was Nate's appt with the Pediatric Nephrologist. Y'all I was 120% certain I knew what he would say. I was certain the cause of Nathan's polyuria/polydipsia was a urinary obstruction. I was sure at worst they would tell us he needed a simple operation to correct it and we would be finished with all of this.

One lesson I should have learned by now, never assume anything.

Dr H is amazing. I have never, in all my life met a doctor that spent 1.5 hours in the room with you. I have never, in all my life met a doctor who was so thorough he combed through the medical records of my family members in his search for answers. I met that doctor today.

He started off by telling us that he wasn't going to do much today but some fact finding. He had some slight suspicions, he told us.

First, he told us, the ultrasound did show some abnormality. The bladder was perfect to my surprise. It was the kidneys that weren't. He told us he honestly thought it was a measurement error and made the radiologist double check their work. But it wasn't a measurement error. My 2 1/2 year old son's kidneys are, in fact, the size of those in an 8 month old baby.

He asked about my pregnancy. He asked about Nathan's entire life. He asked if there was any family history of Kidney disease. He looked in my medical record and was astonished at my CT scan of 2007, showing 2 kidneys chock full of stones. Highly unusual, he said. He asked about our extended family, noting my grandmother's need for a kidney transplant in her 30's after sudden onset of severe anemia. Quite unusual. And quite suspicious.

He examined Nate and noted a paculiar extra fold in the lid of his right eye that we had never before noticed. He looked at his cataract with the light and then invited us to see it as well, seemingly almost jovial in seeing the peculiar tiny black dot in the lens, it doesn't take much to excite doctors. Looked closely over his Opthamology reports and asked that when we go to the U of M in October, to please request they look very closely at his optic nerve. He asked about Christian's hearing loss, of particular interest since the kidneys and the ears are so closely related. He asked about Nathan's eating habits, about his drinking habits and his odd liking, for a 2 year old, for salt. He put all of these tiny puzzle peices together in his mind.

He ordered a CBC to check for anemia, as it often starts to present in this age group with the disease he had in his mind. He ordered a urine culture we have to bring in to our clinic tomorrow to check for sodium wastage in his urine. He said he would put more puzzle peices together and call us tomorrow after the CBC came back.

I was slightly suspicious before, he said. After examining your son and talking with you I'm even more suspicious.

Before we left I couldn't help it, I blurted out "Can you please tell me what you are suspecting... I know you probably don't want to because you know I'm going to google it" And I cringed, because ya know, doctors hate that.

ABSOLUTELY he said, and he googled it himself and printed off a page for me. I have no problem with families being informed. And you know, if you ever want a second opinion, I'm totally ok with that too by the way. I would recommend the U of MN Fairview and I'll send all the reports myself, although I think it's a bit premature for that right now. Agreed.

So we don't know. He suspects a very rare condition called Nephronophthisis. A condition that is genetic. A condition that would mean our little Nathan would need a kidney transplant in the future, in order to live. A condition that, quite frankly scares the crap out of me and confuses me to the core. A condition I was not expecting.

For now, we wait for him to peice the puzzle together and to decide if this devastating condition will be put in our son's medical chart, effectively changing our normal, once again. For now we are instructed to let him drink as he pleases, eat as much salt as he pleases, and refrain from giving him things like Motrin/Aleve and other NSAIDS, which are quite hard on the kidneys.

I'm not allowing myself to fall apart. To grieve a condition we haven't confirmed. I am just doing my best to sit on my hands and wait. Like a good girl.

Hopefully this isn't going to be the theme

2009-08-27T20:03:00.002-05:00

We didn't get the greatest news today at Chris' Audiology appt. They did another audiogram because she likes to get one before school starts and Chris' hearing has declined in his left ear (stayed the same in the right). This is not good news. It means his hearing loss appears to be progressive. Which is what we had all desperately hoped wouldn't be the case.

She doesn't want to call it progressive just yet though (hoping against hope?) and wants another audiogram in a month just to see if by some shred of hope it improves to his baseline. She adjusted his left hearing aid to the new settings for now. It's really cool how they do that, it's not just a thing on the aid to turn it up, it's all computer programed to the child's exact sense of hearing.

I don't know what the plan will be if we do, in fact, find out it's progressive. I'm sure they will be more aggressive in figuring out the what's and why's to see if we can save his hearing somehow.

Nate sees the urologist monday, lets hope bad news isn't the theme of things. I'm packing our bags this weekend just in case, last time when they threw Shay in the clink I ended up 3 hours from home wearing the same clothes for 8 days.

*sigh*

Some new pics

2009-08-26T22:02:00.002-05:00

The creepy old house by moms

Reminded me of Wizard of Oz

Turning on a dime

2009-08-22T21:20:00.002-05:00

So Thursday when I hadn't yet heard from our Ped I decided to call and leave a message that I would like the results of the Ultrasound. On my way home from work Dr K's MA Tammy called me and told me that Dr K thought everything looked good, that she had forwarded the reports to Dr H (the ped urologist) but he was on vacation but that if when he got back he thought anymore needed to be done from a urology standpoint they'd let us know. But to rest assured it looked fine.

Not sure whether to be bewildered that we had just checked off another body system in our search for what the heck is going on, or happy that another body system of my child appeared perfectly normal I figured we'd just move on to endocrinology and go from there.

Friday morning Craig woke me up and told me that Tammy had just called and he told them I would need to call them back and discuss things (cause ya know, I AM master scheduler around here). So I called back and she told me that Dr H had actually checked the ultrasound and while on vacation and decided he needed to see squirt ASAP. Told me to call down to Marshfield and schedule and if I couldn't get in within a couple weeks to call them back and they would get him in sooner. Well they got us in the day Dr H comes back from vacation, August 31st.

So, I really don't know anything. Just that Dr H saw something that he feels is worth dragging us 2.5 hours down to Marshfield for. Hopefully it's answers. God please let it be answers!

Also got a call from the referral center about Nate's eye. We'll be seeing another Ophthamologist at the University of Minnesota (no, we don't need directions, thank you ma'am, we could get there with our eyes closed and even have our favorite parking spot in our favorite parking ramp, thanks.) on Oct 9th for a second opinion on his cataract. We see Dr A, his current Ophthamologist this coming Thursday for his first recheck since getting his glasses.

We're waiting on rescheduling the endo appt until after we know what Dr H has to say. Here's hoping we don't need Endo, that they have a diagnosis, a fix, and we get get on with it.

Oh stormy day.

2009-08-19T20:48:00.002-05:00

Nothing like a mid-afternoon tornado warning to get the blood pumpin. Blech.

Anyway. Still haven't heard from Nate's ped regarding his ultrasound. No news is good news? What would be good news at this point? That once again they think it's normal and there is still no reason why this kid drinks enough to drown and pees rivers? That we can check yet another body system off on our peice by peice search for whatever is causing this? That they DID find something wrong? I don't even know what to hope for anymore, I really don't.

I'm sure you've heard of the newest Favre circus. I'm pretty sure this guy craves attention more than Octo-mom at this point. He's really become quite the media whore, hasn't he. The Vikings? Really?.......... no REALLY? Apparently people are burning his jerseys and stuff. Yeah, ok, get over it. He's someone else's problem now. I mean really, he hasn't thrown that great since he hurt his thumb and now he's got a torn rotator cuff on top of it? Sucks to be you Minnesota. Sucks to be you. I don't get what the big deal is anyway. Yeah, we went to a couple super bowls, and even won one of those. But people, this "God" of the pigskin hasn't taken his team anywhere near a superbowl in what, 10 years? He's an old has-been. And he's having trouble accepting that. It'll be fun though, the rivalry between the Vikes and the Packers is crazy, and it'll be even more interesting this year. I might actually have to watch football. To see Aaron Rogers kick Favre's purple ass. Priceless.

Anyway. You'd think I care about Fooseball or something. I don't.

Some very exciting news. My husband just finished the application process for College!!! He's always dreamed of going into the police force, and you know, he's not getting any younger so it's time he followed his dream. I'm SO proud of him.

Anyway, better get my own homework done. Oh, and watch my DVR'd Hell's Kitchen.

2009-08-16T12:54:00.001-05:00

So Friday Nate had his ultrasound. She scanned his kidneys and went to the bladder and his bladder was enormousely full. Took him to go potty and his diaper was wet, second soaking wet diaper of the day and he had been up a whole hour.

Took him potty and came back out and she started again... There were still 64 cc's of urine in his bladder.

So it would appear that he's not emptying his bladder allvthe way, for whatever reason. An obstruction would make sense to me, since that can sometimes lead to polyuria/polydipsia. Now we wait for the doc to call and tell us what they think.

His blood pressure was normal, not sure what labs they ran but I'm grateful for lab techs who actually listened when I told them he was a hard draw. Even though they still had to spend forever digging, at least they didn't get all cocky about it like usually happens.

-- Post From My iPhone

The price of a child, revisited.

2009-08-13T18:03:00.002-05:00

I warn you my friends. Of all the posts I've written, this may be the one to get me the most hate mail. And that's big y'all, seeing my strong opinions on breastfeeding and not allowing a stranger to raise your child, er.... putting your child in daycare. Maybe. I dunno, the daycare issue does get me a lot of hate mail.... (and as always, I don't mean grandma's, aunts, uncles, dads, best friends since 2nd grade that watch your child minimally. I mean Daycare. Please fill out your child's name, age, and whether or not they've had chicken pox and how many times they've pooped each day and sign on the dotted line. Our hours are from 6-6, drop your child off in a commercial building to spend their day, daycare) .... moving on please.

Anyway. I received a comment today to my post from last year The price of a child. A comment that brought up a very good point. What about education?

Well, for the short term, being the first 18 years of my child's life that is, I figured that the costs of school supplies, clothes, and extra curriculars would probably equal that of the diapers, gear, etc the first years. So, no change there. But that's not what this dear commenter was reffering to. The word that makes our hands tremble as we hold our checkbooks. A huge reason why most people do not have more than one or two children. COLLEGE.

As the commenter pointed out, by the time our children reach college age a decent public school will cost about $30,000 a year. Heck, I'm in college right now and by the time I graduate a year from now I'll be about $24,000 in debt. So why didn't I factor that in? I mean if you figure 6 kids who go to a 4 year University at $30,000 a year. My God that's $120,000 EACH CHILD. That's almost 3/4 of a million to send them all off for Bachelor's degrees in something or another. $720,000 to be exact. So if I were saving each month I'd be shucking back $555.56 per month per child, so $3,333.33 for my 6. PER MONTH.

So how could that HUGE sum have slipped my mind in my calculations?

Well, let me calculate how much it will cost me to send my children to college.........

.................................

................................

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I have zero intention of paying my kids' way through college. None.

I know. You're thinking WHY on earth would I want my children to possibly not go to college and get a degree to have a comfortable life.

Well I do want that. I want very much for them to find something they are passionate about, pursue it, excel at it, and have a easier time of it than I do.

I also want them to be responsible for that. To be proud of that. And to be sure they follow their dreams, not mine.

I think so many kids graduate high school without a clue as to what they want to do for the rest of their lives. They simply haven't had time to test the waters and figure that out yet, at such a young age. Years before they've even earned the credits to graduate high school they are applying to this college and that, this program or that one. They are expected to leave the nest and fly to the dorm. Whether or not they have a clue what they are doing there. 4 years later (if they work hard) they leave the doors of the University of whatever with a degree and if they are lucky find a job in their chosen field. 3 years later many of them drag their butts out of bed everyday to sit at a desk they hate, in a cubicle they hate, with co-workers they hate doing a job they hate. Many of them choose broad degrees, Bachelors of Arts, Bachelors of Science... What exactly does that mean? My own sister has a Bachelors of Science degree in Sociology and an Associates degree in Criminology. She is an officer at a supermax prison. And she despises her job.

Ideally my children will not go to college at age 18. They will take some time to live. Take some time to get their wild hairs grown out and take the time to listen to the direction they are being called. Ideally, only when that happens will they apply to college. Ideally. Also Ideally they will attend a tech school and get a specific education to allow them to do precisely what it is they want to do, with the option of furthering that Associates degree to a bachelors, masters, PHD in the future if that's where the future leads.

They will pay for their own schooling because they will be better people for it. When they enter the doors of that school it will be with the prize in sight. A dream turning into reality. They will work hard to pay for each class, each book. They will work very hard at their studies knowing that if they fail they will have to pay for the class again. They will be less likely to skip class, less likely to party before that big final exam. They will be less likely to drink and do drugs on campus because they have class the next day and because they realize that at the end of the week, after you've paid for classes and rent, there's no money left for those things. Just like in real life. They will likely not waste time on Basketweaving 101. They will work their tails off for minimum wage and know what that's like and why they want better. They will be responsible with money because they have no other choice. They will learn to be frugal. They will not have to think they are dissapointing me if they decide college is not for them. And it may not be. And that's ok. And if it IS, they will walk out on graduation day with a tremendous sense of pride that THEY did this. All by themselves. Just like they learned to ride that bike, learned to tie their shoes..... the same smile of beaming pride they got when they won that spelling bee, all by themselves.

Having said that, our children WILL be welcome to remain in our home through college and go to one of the great tech schools or Universities in our area. If their passion lies in a career field not offered here or not offered online, we will do what we can to help them with housing near the nearest school that does. We will help them fill out paperwork for whatever student loans they may be eligable for, we will babysit their dog during finals week, and we may even do a load of laundry or two during midterms. We have no intentions of throwing them out of the nest to fend completely for themselves. Only to help them achieve THEIR dreams, not ours.

And if our children decided NOT to go to college. We will be ok with that too. Just as their father didn't attend college and makes a decent living because of his hard work, we hope the same for them if they choose that route. We will not put OUR demands on our children and will not try to make them live the lives we did or we wished we did. Because their lives are not our story to tell, but theirs.

Doctors Doctors Doctors

2009-08-12T14:23:00.002-05:00

So yesterday was doctor day.

Christian had his check up with the audiologist. She once again re-tubed his aids ( I hate those tubes! I think we've probably used more tubing already than most people ver do!). Took a new impression for a new mold on the right and set up for us to come back in 2 weeks for his before school audiogram and fitting for the new mold. Of course we are hoping for no progression in the hearing loss, so if you want to put that on your prayer list we'd appreciate it.

Shaylin checked out perfect. 50th percentile for height and 25th for weight. Which, if you know my kids that's really impressive! Doc said she's nowhere near puberty yet (didn't think she was) and her spine doesn't look to have progressed any so we'll just see what next year brings with her scoliosis. We are expecting to have to brace her as she hits puberty, the longer we can put all that off the better I say!

Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate. Well, he's still drinking enough to drown and we've been kind of playing a game of cat and mouse with the Peds Endocrinologist. The first appt we couldn't make and the second one this past friday he had an emergency and had to reschedule. Nate's Ped was actually surprised we were still dealing with this, she thought maybe it had resolved. No such luck.

A little update on all of that before I go further. As you know, a few months ago Nate started drinking excessive amounts of water and flooding his diapers. We had him tested for Diabetes, Diabetes Insipidus, and had an MRI done to look for a Pituitary tumor. All came back negative. The only thing they did conclude was that his urine concentrated very little overnight (12 hours NPO) Which his ped seemed to think was fairly insignificant due to the amounts of hydration he has during the day.

Shortly thereafter we had a full week where he drank and peed NORMALLY. We thought whatever it was had just resolved itself but then one day afternoon after drinking very little, the flood began shortly followed by cups and cups of water and juice going down the hatch.

I brought this up to her that it SEEMS that the question of which came first, the chicken or the egg, at least in this case, had been answered. The urination seems to be the cause and the excessive thirst the effect.

She asked if he craves salt.... not really. He LIKES salt but he's not going crazy to get it. She asked if as a baby he had wet a lot. Possibly, but this was our first baby to wear cloth, so that makes it difficult to figure out if his #'s of wets a day were "normal". How often did he nurse as a baby. He nursed all the time actually. In fact, he refused to eat solids until he was a year old. Preferring to nurse instead. Maybe another clue.

So, she said she was going to take the step to consult the Pediatric kidney specialist and see if he thought there was anything to look for. We got a call today that Friday Nate will have a renal ultrasound (NPO of course, because I swear they want to kill me), a repeat blood pressure (unsure what that's about) and labs done.

We also talked about Nate's eye. I told her that although we do trust his Opthamologist, we were worried about his laisez-faire approach to Nate's eye. Nate's OP is of the opinion that his cataract is NOT causing his vision loss, but that both things are just the result of an eye that never formed properly at all. While he may well be correct in his opinion, we worry that someday someone's gonna say "well, if that cataract had been removed when he was 2, he'd be able to see out of that eye now".

She agreed that a second opinion was a good option. She referred us to one of the leading Pediatric Opthamologists in the country, who HAPPENS to practice at the U of M (yeeeeeeeeeks). Maybe this guy will agree with the other doc, maybe not. But at least we will feel better about the course of treatment with 2 doctors who agree on it. She also said that there's SOOO many differing opinions between OP's on treating eye disease that who knows, maybe this doc will have an entirely different take on what needs to be done.

At the very least we need to figure out what to do about Nate's glasses. He will NOT wear them. Ok, he will, for about 5 minutes at a time before ripping them off and breaking them. It's getting expensive and defeating the purpose. We need a plan B.

THEN. You thought I was done didn't ya? Yeah, no.

Then last night we get home at about 8pm and the kids have taken a new liking in climbing this huge pine tree in our front yard (mom was even up the thing the other night hehe). So they are climbing the tree and Jack comes in and says something is in his eye. Bark from the tree. Well, a tiny peice of tree bark, sure enough, is stuck on the inside of his upper eyelid. We flushed it and gave it some time, hoping it would work it's way out on it's own but after a couple hours it was apparent that wasn't going to happen as it was swelling, red, and bothering him quite a bit.

So, at 10:30 we arrive at the ER. Which was insanely busy. Great. So we wait 2 hours (I get it, it happens, boring but not bothered) doc comes in, flips his eyelid inside out, gets the tree bark out and checks his cornea for abrasions. Antibiotic in hand we are out the door and home at 1am.

Fun times y'all. Fun times.

So anyway, if you could send some thoughts our way that we get to the bottom of "mystery boy", as his ped calls him. They would be greatly appreciated.

Bubba's Bears is back y'all!

2009-08-04T12:38:00.003-05:00

That's right, were back and better than ever! A few tweaks, some changes, and the help of our wonderful friends and we've been able to bring back Bubba's Bears for CHD. Raising awareness for Congenital Heart Defects through the love of a Teddy bear! Go to www.bubbasbears.com and find us on Facebook: Bubba's Bears.

Invisible monster

2009-08-01T18:33:00.004-05:00

When you lose a child, they tell you many things, the experts, the writers of the books, the parents who've walked the walk before. But they don't tell you everything. There are some bits you have to learn yourself. And those bits are the hard ones to deal with.

I get it that grief is a process. Denial, anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. They tell you that you will feel these over and over and over again, some more than others, for eternity. I get that. I've had my share of them all and expect to continue them until I die and can finally rest.

But the one they don't tell you about is the one that makes it hard to get through the day, hard to focus on anything. It is the one that's been plaguing me lately, kicking itself up a notch for no known reason.

It is the wait for the other shoe to drop. Feeling like life is so "normal" that it can't possibly stay that way. It's searching the internet for an eternity in the wee hours of the morning for every symptom to every illness that could possibly take another child from your arms.

I think I hide it well. I think on the outside I appear normal. I doubt anyone could possibly know that day in and day out I'm wondering which child it will be, which one will get sick, hurt, and die? Maybe it will be me? Or Craig? Maybe if I can just catch the symptoms of this invisible killer in time I can do something to save whoever it is.

I know I know. In that last paragraph was the obvious. I'm trying to prevent what my misplaced guilt thinks I should have prevented with Alex. I get that. I consider myself a pretty logical person and can see the deeper picture, know where these feelings are coming from. But that doesn't make them go away.

This is something "they" never mentioned to me. That the fear wouldn't go away when the bad dream ended. That it would continue to wax and wane for years, possibly forever. To go to bed everynight and fight the tears because I didn't hug them enough, didn't tell them I loved them enough, it could never BE enough.

The feeling like I am always on the defense against this horrible terrorist. I can't see him, don't have a clue how his attack will come, and have no idea who he will even attack. But I can't shake the feeling that he's out there. Waiting. And it's my job solely to be able to thwart his attack. Yet to walk around and go about life everyday like he's NOT out there at all, because not to would be to not live each day like it's the last.

Faith's lodge

2009-07-09T20:15:00.003-05:00

I made a slideshow of our trip to Faith's Lodge last fall. The retreat for families who have lost a child. I think the song with it, Word of God Speak by Mercy Me absolutely fits these pictures since we could feel such an amazing calming presence in that place that I will never be able to describe.

Tired princess

2009-07-09T19:13:00.001-05:00

4th of July weekend is huge in this town.. Huge. Our population swells as the terrorist.... Er..... Tourists park themselves in this tiny 6 lakes town and do what those in Wisconsin do best. Drink enough beer to drown.

Hailey had 8 events to attend as jr miss vassador and by the time I caught up with her saturda she was already exhausted. After a brief tantrum... Teen girl style she was able to regroup and continue, sunburned and tired. I felt the need for a tantrum of my own and I didn't have to run around half as much as she did.

-- Post From My iPhone

Undefeated season!!

2009-07-02T14:06:00.001-05:00

Chris had his last game of the season last night and they finished with another win making for an undefeated season!!! Now on to tournaments! They even finished the game with a homerun!

Pics aren't great of course I forgot my camera and had to get what I could with my phone.

Monkey pile!!!

-- Post From My iPhone

Miss Chetek Pageant 2009

2009-07-01T13:05:00.005-05:00

Was Great. At first I got freaked out when they announced the girls and Hailey didn't get announced! I sat there freaking out, thinking Oh my god she's back there bawling from stage fright or something, my poor girl! I hoped and prayed she didn't decide to quit after all the hard work she put in but my fears were releived when she came out for the next segment. She got Miss Jr Chetek Ambassador. Her score did get knocked down for not coming out in the first segment and I later learned she froze and just couldn't do it, since they had to speak in the first segment. Shaylin didn't win but got a pretty crown anyway. Shaylin was quite a bit more upset this year over not winning. It broke my heart into a million peices but she quickly got over it and enjoyed her night as a princess.

You can see them both in the Liberty Fest Parade on Saturday at noon!

The facade of happiness

2009-06-26T14:00:00.000-05:00

I'm often baffled by the "better-than's" of the world. You know them, the people who have to have what you have, only a better. The people who simply cannot be happy with what they have and who they are that they constantly have to prove that they are superior to somebody else.

We've all dealt with them, maybe some of you are, without realizing it, those type of people. I don't know. But it really irks me I tell you. Irks me bad.

Unfortunately it isn't always involving material posessions. Usually the better-than's are so miserable that they will tell outrageous stories and skew the truth to make you think they are happier than you. It's downright amazing sometimes how some people appear to have absolutely no bad times in their lives, or if they do it was always someone else's fault anyway. They have a hugely overactive sense of entitlement and seem to get caught right up the little fantasy world they worked so hard to create.

Unless the better-than's are very careful, occasionally the truth will shine through and you just kind of sit back scratching your head, or maybe you muster a little internal chuckle, if you are like me. Such as when a better-than's teenager takes up smoking or when that teenager makes sexual references in front of adults. And when they realize that this doesn't quite match with the perfect little family they have created to the outside world, they rationalize it by falling down to a teenagers level and imitating the behavior themself. As if to say "see? I think it's ok that he says that.... so much so that I say it too". When you are pretty sure it's not something that any adult with any ounce of maturity would say, let alone to a child. I don't know, maybe I expect too much out of my children by teaching them respect.....

Ok so I'm straying a little. I can't help it, Craig and the boys are watching a movie and it's distracting.

It's too bad money can't buy contentment, isn't it? Money can't buy a lot of things. It can't buy love, it can't buy a family, and it can't buy happiness. Becoming comfortable with who you are and not allowing what you don't have prevent you from being happy with what you do is the key. It's something that in this world of instant gratification, money, greed, and materialism we have to think about daily, always reassessing and always taking inventory of what makes us happy. No keeping up with the Jones', not trying to be perfect, not trying to impress anybody... just being us and at the end of the day being wholeheartedly comfortable with that. There's a big difference in striving to be a better you and in creating the persona of a better you.... the latter is never satisfying.

People will often say that contentment is another term for complacent. That being happy with your current life is failing to try to improve it. And I can't help but wonder why they think that's a bad thing? Why does it always have to be better? Why do we always want more? We all have struggles in life and I guess for me it's about looking at those struggles and deciding what you would trade for them. No one has it 100% perfect all the time. Sometimes we live paycheck to paycheck and it can cause worry, but would I trade my 6 healthy children, my home, my husband, or anything else I have for the money I may not? Would I trade my fertility or time with my husband and children for the ability to buy $100 wicker baskets or foo foo trinkets for my dining table? No way! Sounds kind of silly to me. But Whatever.

Talking to children about death

2009-06-25T14:59:00.000-05:00

Mama Outloud's post on talking with her daughter about dying got me thinking about how my own children learned about death.

Before Alex our family really had been fortunate in not losing family members until a ripe old age. A year before Alex was born big C's grandfather passed away. In telling the kids about it we used the same technique most parents do. "Grandpa went to heaven to live with Jesus and now he can do cartwheels and ...." was enough for them. They hadn't been close with him because of space distance and it wasn't very traumatic for them as such.

So after Alex died when the Child Life guy (our savior that day) told us that our children had arrived and were waiting for us a sense of panic washed over me. What would we tell them? "Just tell them the truth" said the Child Life guy. "Children have a keen way of making whatever you are upset about their fault" he said, "it's best to just come out with it".

So we walked into the room and Craig sat on the sofa and I sat on the chair. I just looked for a minute at my children, noticing the anticipation in their eyes. I remember thinking "oh no, they think it's GOOD news" by the excitement that seemed to be coming from them.

I don't know how or why, but I just blurted it out

"Alex had to go live with Jesus"

And the world once again went into slow motion. I saw Little C run over to his dad as the tears sprung from his eyes. Hailey came to me. I was numb. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, hands down.

"You did a good job" the Child Life guy said to me as we walked out of the room. But I felt anything but good. I felt like I had just single-handedly ripped my children's hearts from their chest. And I had.

That day my children gained a premature understanding of their own mortality. Children die. What once seemed to them like something that only happened to old people, now became something that could happen to them. In the blink of an eye their sense of peace and safety was gone.

Of course the youngest, Jack, didn't really get it. Always asking us to buy baby Awex whatever cute shoes were on the rack at the store and asking when Awex was going to come home. He was only 4, after all and the idea that people could go away forever and never come back was beyond what he was capable of understanding completely.

Could I have prepared my children better? I don't think so. I don't think they could have come even close to grasping the concept without living through it.

I do know that we chose not to shield them from any of it. I remember being a child and not being allowed to attend my uncle's funeral and as such I had no concept of death. I knew that he was gone, but I didn't graps the finality of it.

Our children held their brother's body. They wrote him notes and attended his funeral and burial. In being included in those steps they gained understanding, and maybe some acceptance.

If your children bring up the subject of death be as honest as you can be without scaring them. Take them to a beautiful cemetary and show them where bodies go when people die. Share your beleifs about the afterlife with them. Don't freak out when they ask questions you don't want to answer, accept the opportunity. I only wish I had taken the time to do prepare my children what little I could.

I think talking about death with children scares us so much more than them because we can't bear the thought ourselves that someday they might die. What do you think?

It's not suppose to be hot in Wisconsin

2009-06-24T19:10:00.000-05:00

When you think of Wisconsin what do you think of? Cows? Snow? Ice? Hell frozen over? Well, would you guess Wisconsin has some killer heat too? And not just heat. Heat that makes southerners run for the ER because they feel like they are breathing water. Not kidding. I don't care what anyone says, it really isn't the heat, it's the humidity. Try this for me, stick your head in the sink and breathe. Yeah, that's kinda what it's like.

Let's see, what else. The pageant is on Friday! I know I said we wouldn't go through that hell again but Shay had fun, and at the end of the day that's all that really matters. This year Hailey is in it as well so I'm going crazy x2! It'll be a load of fun though.

We didn't end up seeing the Endocrinologist for Nate. We had a bit of schedule interference but I don't think I'm going to reschedule it since.......... he's drinking and peeing like a normal boy! Ok maybe a bit more than what I would consider normal, but nothing like he was.

In other good news Chris had his 4 month GI check up today and he gained 4.5 lbs since last time! It's not as great as it sounds since just before the last visit he'd lost 4 lbs.... but a gain is a gain and we'll take it. GI wants to see him again in 6 months.

Baseball is almost done for Chris already. His team is currently undefeated with only 2 games (I think) left before tournament. Maybe they can make it all the way!

Not much else to report. Boring is goooood.

Ugly baby

2009-06-24T18:18:00.001-05:00

At breastfeeding class. Isn't my breastfeeding baby the ugliest baby ever?

But it's diaper is great!!

- Post From My iPhone

Jon minus Kate plus 8= the show must go on!

2009-06-23T15:28:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I've blogged about this family before HERE, you know my opinions on the family. But of course the world is a buzz about Jon and Kate going through the big D.

First I'll state that I think sometimes divorce is inevitable. I think there are some situations and some couples who honestly need to go separate ways to find happy. There are people very close to me who I've seen make an amazing transformation through divorce and come out the other side a little tattered and torn, but finally on their way to happy. There are people who try for years to make something work that doesn't have a chance, who make all the changes they can and look into every avenue to find out what isn't working and attempt to fix it. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen.

Jon and Kate. Am I the only one who sees the obvious here? I almost chuckled when Kate said "parents of multiples an 3x the chance of divorce". Not because it was funny, but because I instantly wondered if she had taken into consideration what the rate of divorce is for people with reality tv shows. Hulk and Linda Hogan, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.... jeez really I can think of more families with reality shows who have divorced than who haven't. Has that ever really crossed her mind? That maybe that show is really at the heart of what is destroying her family? Cause I tell you what, seeing my husbands (and Jon's is pretty obvious) hatred for his entire life being played out in the media would have put that show #1 front and center on the list of "things we will change to save our marriage". But no.... Kate give up her cash cow? Kate be a "normal" mother and wife instead of a media whore? Couldn't happen!

Another reason her statement made me snort is that she always sees herself as this woman who was thrown into this and has all these things happen to her and this is why blah blah blah. Here's the thing. Do you know what the divorce rate is for couples who have lost a child? 50%. HALF of all couples (and unfortunately losing a child is much more common than having a litter of them) will part ways. HALF! This statistic and hers means one thing, those of us in these circumstances just have to work that much harder at our marriages. When the going gets tough we can't wait for it to get better, we have to throw everything else to the curb for a moment and address the problem.

Another thing that bothers me is when Kate was asked what bothered her the most (or something along those lines) her response was "the label". What?! Really?! What about the fact that your kids won't get to share their days with both of their parents? What about the look in their eyes when you tell them daddy lives somewhere else? What about the day when inevitably your children blame themselves? Because they will. They will because that's what kids do and those kids especially are going to think "wow, we must be a lot of work for them" or "daddy must be sick of us that's why he left". That's what kids do. I can think of a MILLION things that I would be far more worried about then the label. But Kate can't stop thinking about how she looks to other people, what other people thing. Kate can't, for once, put her family first.

I'm not saying Jon is innocent. Marriage takes two. It's not even 50/50 it's more like 100/100 because if you aren't putting 100% in, you are failing. I'm just calling it as I see it.

Alex's story

2009-06-17T19:21:00.003-05:00

Disclaimer: The following video shows Alex's story in it's entirety. If you feel you may be disturbed by sensitive images, move on. Blah blah blah.... End disclaimer.

Somewhere over the rainbow

2009-06-16T11:45:00.002-05:00

Empty nest syndrome... 16 years early?

2009-06-06T17:57:00.002-05:00

So lately I've been freaking out about the idea that someday all my babies are going to be grown up and move on and not need me anymore. And quite frankly? This idea scares the shit out of me. You see, I've never been an adult without small children. Austin was born when I was 17 and a senior in high school. By the time I was an adult my existance basically was dictated by the next diaper change and well-baby exam. And with children born every 2ish years thereafter for a few years (went 13 years changing diapers STRAIGHT before getting a 2 month break between Jack's training an Nate's birth) I don't really know HOW to be a childless adult.

Today is really bad. My kids are spending the weekend at my moms. I came home from work to an empty house and here I sit, alone. I don't like it. Not one bit! Seriousely, commercials are making me cry.

Realistically I know that I have just about 16 years before empty nest will actually set in, but with Austin turning 18 in a short 2.5 years I'm starting to really freak out.

Update

2009-06-03T11:33:00.001-05:00

So the doc called today with nathan's MRI results.... Perfectly normal! While this Is great news it means we still don't know what is causing his excessive third and now horrible moodiness. She reffered us to a pediatric endocrinologist for further investigation. Why can't anything be easy?

-- Post From My iPhone