Flaws and All

It's time...

2009-01-24T02:14:00.002-05:00

It's time to be a woman. be your woman. be my woman. Walk with me, please? As I become... keep becoming threebeautymarks. Anything but ordinary.

tomorrow and on..

2008-12-31T23:36:00.001-05:00

love my insecurities till they live up to perfection. be patient.
count my beauty marks. get closer to Jehovah. let love be. naturally
love. pray. pray more. be a kid. be a woman. be your woman. be my own
woman. flirt cautiously. open up to truth, as it does to me. dance.
sing louder in the shower. buy red lingerie. address all I-O-U's to
her. ice skate in central park. be gentle with the anti-breaks. be
silent. be simple, but deceptively complicated. forgive you. forgive
myself. forgive the before. be gentle. strengthen the delicate soul.
be vulnerable. be me. be fearless again. write without inhibitions.
just write. fade the grey. read. read more. embrace the sun and the
snow. kiss the mirror. buy a yellow dress. be me. be her.

Sent from my iPhone

Days before Yesterday

2008-12-27T05:36:00.000-05:00

I was just reading previous posts. I really did use the term "love." I
meant adore. Right? It wasn't "love." Right?

Sent from my iPhone

I haven't exhaled since you

2008-12-27T04:44:00.001-05:00

He would lay his hands on my cheeks and kiss me. He'd keep kissing me. His hands would leave my face, to leave fingerprints all over my skin. He'd rest his head on the space in between my shoulder and my chest. I'd look away. I'd lose my grip from his hips. As he'd pause right in between me, I'd let out the deepest sigh, never to exhale. I haven't exhaled since... He'd keep kissing me. As we lay, I'd feel his look. I couldn't close my eyes. Not for one second. As I'd slightly begin to rest my lids, I'd quickly open them, bigger each time I caught myself doing so. I couldn't close my eyes, because every time I would, I would see you.

When he would do what you once did, when he would try to do what you once did, I would hurry to swipe my fingers underneath my eyes, before he could see, before he could kiss...the tears. I'd brush his hand off my arm as he'd pull my arm hair. I'd pull back as he'd bite in between. It wasn't you. It'll never be you until its really you.

I think its time for...

2008-12-27T04:04:00.003-05:00

Change. No I won't delete the blog (again). I'm going to revamp. I can only inspire, challenge, love and embrace you by inspiring, challenging, loving and embracing myself, naturally.

I have these fears...I recited them over and over my head while driving home the other day because I know I'd have to face them once i got home.

Fear of:

1. Commitment
2. My heart
3. Replacement
4. Not living up to my full potential
5. Touch
6. The second to last Him (although someone close mentioned "he's scared of you")

...there are more..but those are the ones that have been lingering

All in all...revamp, rejuvenating...me...so I can share myself to the world..cause after all sharing is caring, right?

you used to make me wonder

2008-12-13T22:30:00.001-05:00

True - Brandy

A.Hamilton

2008-12-13T21:46:00.002-05:00

He's amazing. He heals my hurt with his hurt and kills me with his hope.

Her Heart - Anthony Hamilton

Teach me this time

2008-12-13T20:42:00.005-05:00

I taught him the that when he runs his fingers from the tip of my fingers to the top of my arm it's called feathering. I taught him that the way he embraces me, the way he places his arm around my waist, as he rests his chin on my shoulder it's called spooning. But as he grabbed my hand yesterday, in back of the car of our friends car...when he flew a spoon of ice cream in my mouth, he taught me. As he told me that he sees himself in my words, feels like he's near me when I write, he taught me. When he took two steps closer as I took one step back...when I walked away, he pulled me in and said, "its okay to be scared...it's okay, we can be scared" and I finished his sentence by saying, "as long as we're scared together?"...as he leaned in and answered me with a kiss, he taught me.

He teaching me that I deserve anything but ordinary. He's teaching me how to adore out loud. He's teaching me to adore myself out loud. He's teaching me to not hold back something that can be amazing one day. He's teaching me to not be scared of tomorrow when I'm in today. He's teaching me that I've been wrapped in teaching the last him(s) how to love, that I held out on loving myself. He's teaching me that while I was praying for nothing more than to teach the last him to let himself fall, to let the "us" be natural, for love is natural, I held back my naturalness, I held back my adoration from myself. I forgot to realize that maybe I need to be taught. Please teach me everything, all the way back to step one.

It may not last, for I'll fly 46 states away from him...but for right now he's rekindling my hope, rejuvenating the school days love in me, he's rescuing me after the savings that have emptied me. So before I leave, I'm just asking for this, for the next days, for the next moments we create, the next nights we spoon, keep teaching me. Let me rest my wings, and teach me.

What is this

2008-12-06T01:59:00.006-05:00

You have me sitting on my mattress, thinking of "us." There can't be an "us," its as if we don't deserve to be an "us," not yet. We can't seem to find each other, even when we play as each other's reflection. I scream, you only catch the echoes. I take a step back, you take two steps forward, only to apologize. You're the only person I've ever wanted to be distant with and still want you to tell me to come closer. The fact that I've gotten as close to you to be open for you to hurt me, hurts. You say you love me, and for that reason I can't love you. I don't believe it. Do I want to believe it? I do, I not only want to believe it, I want to say it, feel it. But if I do, then it becomes true, you make it real, and I'm scared that when I'm ready to accept it, you won't be there. How can you love me? Love me and still hurt me? Be blind of how you hurt me? Why do I have to explain? Why have I caught myself sighing heavier when I think of you? Why the more I want, the less you give? How can you act as if I haven't shared everything of me with you? How can you make me feel as if I'm that stranger you pass by everyday? Why can't we find our true feelings in between the silence, in between our sighs? Are we purposely sabotaging "us"? Am I?

You can be silent for two-three days, still I wonder what you're writing as I'm driving. You can say hello then disappear, still I hold my breathe. I can't. I'm done, still I await for you to say I'm not.

hi.

2008-12-05T01:37:00.002-05:00

me: alright, I'm gone

him: you're going home?

me: yep, see you tomorrow?

him. yeah, yeah of course. alright, well have a good night. see you tomorrow.

me: (smile), you have a good night ____

him: you too miss

in my head (right after): warning, I run away. Actually I'm going to do so in say...less than a month.

in my head (10 minutes after): for now, for the next two weeks, before I run, run back to him, do you want to go steady?

in my head (30 minutes after): he'd be so cute, we'd be so cute...eh. he's not him. maybe next lifetime kiddo?

in my head (tomorrow, around 3 pm): hi.

You Wanted It

2008-11-30T18:36:00.002-05:00

You Wanted It (Album Version) - Alan Okuye

I mean honestly? I want to pretend, as sometimes I think you did, but I mean honestly? I want to lie to myself and tell myself that it was all my fault. That I fell for you. I still don't want to admit that it was those four words. And I won't actually, cause maybe it wasn't, or maybe it was shavings of those four words. I can't even say those four words, even though you were the only one I was ever close to whispering those four words too. Its time to let go, its been time, I know. I still stand outside, around 11pm and stare at the stars, and love them for they are the only thing that keeps up together, and the only thing that keeps us apart for they have yet to align. I can't blame you. I won't ever blame you. But with or without (in this case, without) your reasons, I can't blame myself any longer either. I mean, I do wake up with a wrinkled nose in the morning, biting my lip, asking "I mean if you want me to let go, then tell me why you haven't?" You haven't right? Because you're not ready to talk, soooooo that means you're still haven't let go (I'm not admitting that its anger, bitterness that you haven't let go of, or if it is anger covers up hurt, so I mean honestly?)

So I'm gonna keep walking past. Call me back when you're ready. When youre ready to accept my application, till you accept my offer. Till you admit that it wasn't all me. That you wanted it to. I don't mind it, you don't have to either. I'm not asking for you to love me, although there's potential, for you were amazing when we were together those few weekends within the three months when all I knew was you and no one else.

Lyrics to You Wanted It :
Sweet and low and to the point
you always get your way
but I've long run out on any thoughts and words to fill the space
if this is suppose to be something more
then kindly explain what all the pain is for
cause you wanted it you wanted it dont lie to me
don't act like i wanted it more
you wanted it you wanted it dont hide from me
its time that we settled the score
once and for all
and i pictured myself up in your face and then i pictured myself walking away
but it never seems to go that way
thats so much easier than what i've got to say
and if this is suppose to be something more
then kindly explain what all the pain is for
cause you wanted it you wanted it you wanted it don't lie to me
don't act like i wanted it more
you wanted it you wanted it don't cry to me
its time that we settled the score (once and for)
all you wanted was to wear me out
test my strength prove my doubts
thats what the losts about
you wanted it you wanted it don't lie to to me
don't act like i wanted it more
you wanted it you wanted it don't cry to me
its sad that we settle the score (ooooo)
its sad that i evened the score once and for all
once and for all
once and for all

Amnesia

2008-11-30T18:09:00.002-05:00

Amnesia (Album Version) - Alan Okuye

I'm so excited. I can't even write. Or it may be the iced white mocha (decaf) I just drank. Jesus, save me. Right after I'm done listening to this song, though? Thanks.

Lyrics to Amnesia :
Help me cause I’m falling and I just can't see you
You came along and took a hold of me.
You gave me sugar-coated valentines
Promises that you were mine.
Tying up my line. Talking dirty to me.
And all I need I thought I found.
You only let me down you went sleeping around. around.
I wanna go back to the day before I met ya.
Things would be better
If I could forget ya.
Somebody give me something strong so I can release ya.
I double shot of amnesia
Life could be sweeter (for me).
Everyone was saying what are you doing playin
With her heart when you don't care.
She’s much to young to string along put her back where she belongs.
Why you doing her wrong. its just not fair.
And all I need is piece of mind
I wanna put it behind
Quit wastin my time. My time.
I wanna go back to the day before I met ya.
Things would be better
if I could forget ya.
Somebody give me something strong so I can release ya.
A double shot of amnesia
life could be sweeter. (for me)
Yea you only let me down.
How you turn a girl around.
And now I need some piece of mind.
I want to put this behind.
Stop wastin all my time.
I want to go back to the day before I met ya.
Things could be better
if I could forget ya.
Somebody give me something strong so I can release ya.
A double shot of amnesia.
Life could be sweeter. (for me).
I wanna go back to the day before I met ya.
Things would be better if I could forget ya.
Somebody give me something strong so I can release ya.
A double shot of amnesia.
Life could be sweeter. (for me)

Lights Away

2008-11-30T17:55:00.002-05:00

I found that person. That would save me from you. Or at least, someone I can find comfort in this bitter sweet adoration. Excuse me while I crawl in between her words. Please read the bold, three times. Thanks! (I'll prob post a song of hers each day, blog for each day this week. thats the goal. can I go back to me? Go back to the between of the old me and the new me?)

Lyrics to Light Years Away :
It's almost like you had it planned
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time"
And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won't talk about the hard place

But I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend
In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away

I can't.

2008-11-23T02:32:00.001-05:00

even write about it. I want to have an oprah session, can't seem to pin point who'd be the one yet though. This one is a toughy. Its not about him..not about us.its about me and Love. Its about me and the old me and the new me. Its about challenging, inspiring the next him (or old him again) through me...challenging, inspiring myself. Its a toughy. Oprah session?

Baby, who's saving me?

2008-11-17T22:20:00.002-05:00

Saviour - Alicia Keys

Just call my name, I'm running to get you
I don't mind cause its just in my nature...you're deserving

After I've given my all, would you be there to save me?
Who's gonna save me when I'm empty, when i need someone to fill me?
Baby, when I'm out saving you, who's saving me?

Right?

2008-11-17T03:57:00.005-05:00

It's because you let me be "emo." You didn't want me any other way, and for that I wanted you in more ways than one. Its because you egged it on. Its because you held the other hand of my emo-ness. That's why its harder to let go, harder than the one before, that's why I don't care to daydream of the next unless you're in his shoes. I can't blame you for anything else but this, only for this. I've been searching for a reason to blame you, to make it easier to let go. Now I do: You started it. Thing is, I took one step to only take two steps back. I am not ready to find someone like you, still waiting on the porch for the you that was when I was with you. I think of how it would be if we would give it another go-around. I don't want the us that we thought we were, I want the us that we could have been, the us I saw us becoming when you'd lay your chin on my shoulder. If you wouldn't have let me get away, if you would have fought for you, if I would have caught your fall when you least expected it...if you were still here, as I am. "I can't wait to figure out who I used to be, so I can say this is who I used to be" and by then, sooner than later I'm hoping, I can be the best her for the "maybe tomorrow" us.

I don't want to be selfish, I don't want a peace offering just yet. I want to re-build our friendship, not to be more than you and I, but to learn more of you and for you to learn more of me. Not unless you are ready...and that's when your silence speaks louder than any sweet words you've once whispered.

"I didn't want to see you again until I could get you straightened out in my mind" (Chester Himes, If He Hollers Let Him Go)

I think we both feel this way. We aren't ready are we? We're going to get there soon though, right? I mean after all, you started it...it's only fair I keep it going, right?

Press delete

2008-11-11T19:11:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about deleting this blog. Just like that. Press delete. At first my reason was that I don't want him to see me grow up, learn to grow and live without him. I want him to wonder, as I wonder. I want him to call right before I walk away. Its too late though. His phone has been disconnected for days now. I don't want to play anymore, I want my ball back. I claim to want to grow privately, except I grow on public display, in front of the person who is the sole motivator of my writing lately. Then I thought, no, I just don't want him to know, to keep seeing me, to keep listening to me, to me still adoring him like it was me and him again, like I was there again. I don't want him to shake his head as he reads this, if he even reads this. I might as well should have named this blog after him. It kills me. To keep on hoping, to keep adoring knowing that I'm alone in it all. I don't know whats worse is him knowing or him knowing and watching me fall in front of him. I want to lay under the covers till the afternoon and cry, just cry. But I dont cry anymore. So I just lay there. Wondering. Is this easing or is this worsening?

"Smash Into You" -Beyonce

2008-11-11T14:25:00.003-05:00

Smash Into You - Beyonce

I'm going to run, smash into you.

I want to run, smash into you.

I'm willing to run, smash into you

Joleen

2008-11-10T20:15:00.003-05:00

I'm currently growing in private. on leave till further notice. no more sharing hurt.

"It sucks, huh?"

2008-11-10T04:22:00.005-05:00

Old Love - John Mayer

I know the truth. I play foolish intentionally. I know you've let go. I know to you this wasn't enough to hold on to, wasn't enough to make me more than one of your best kept secrets, or enough to give me any reason why you turned away. .

Maybe one day you'll find how it was supposed to be if it wasn't this. If it was it sucks, you were right when you said to me, "It sucks, huh?" It sucks to wake up in the middle of the night, reaching over to not only not find you, not find your white tee on the ground, to not wait till you yawn so I can put my finger close to your mouth, to not pull on your grey sweats, to not learn more of you, learn of me with you, through you, because of you...

I just lay here, in my red hoody that you loved me in, the one that now takes me from the thoughts of you to a dream of us, only to wake up in a hot sweat. I've been meaning to give it away, throw it away, you would think it would be easy right? You threw something away , its easy right?

Instead I lay till 11am in my red hoody, putting it on when I lay, throwing it on the ground in the middle of the night, and pushing it under my bed when I wake up. Every night, every morning. It sucks, huh?

He kills me.

2008-11-10T03:22:00.002-05:00

If its not the memories of you, its Mayer.

Comfortable - John Mayer

"Can't remember what went wrong last September
though i'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to

I loved you/grey sweat pants/No make up
So perfect/Our love was comfortable and so broken in.

She’s perfect/So flawless/I’m not impressed
I want you back"

The Hurt-John Mayer

The Hurt - John Mayer

"I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn't, doesn't deserve my love

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive

Gonna make it, like I need her
gonna miss her the moment I meet her
and it's only gonna get worse from there

I'll be rappin' there in the shower
she'll be here by the end of the hour
I can do better
but I can't do better now

How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do"

The Hills

2008-11-08T01:20:00.002-05:00

I looked a bit longer at a boy today. I saw him playing with his fingers in class. And I had a flashback of when I was in your bed, playing with your baby hair, and you'd entangle your fingers within mine. My hand fit perfectly in yours. I've had this memory before, many times, except this time , it didn't hurt to reminisce. I smiled to myself, then looked away. Then this boy (while analyzing Shakespeare sonnets) said, "shes rare to him, he fell for her because of her flaws" and I quickly put my head down, as my eyes got watery.

The thing is. This is the only way I talk to you. And although I want nothing more to hear your voice, knowing that you know how much I still care about you dries the tears a bit faster. I know you started to care, fell more than you expected yourself too. We'd miss each other after being minutes apart. We'd tell each other so. I do agree that our pace was fast, but I think it was that we just got excited. It felt natural. It felt right. It still feels right. You pushed me away, yet you lingered. Then I told you I was leaving and you lost hope, you lost reason to fight. Why can't you tell me that? Why can't you tell me that you're angry that I didn't fight sooner, harder for you, for us?

I still ask myself how it happened, when did it happen? When, within those three months, did I fall for you so hard? We built castles, yet we broke away before we can build a foundation underneath. I fell for your touch, for the man you were before we crashed into each other, that you were beginning to share with me, for the man you were becoming, for the man you were with me, that man that I could lay my head on his shoulder whether on the train or while laying on his stomach. I miss that man. You told me that you didn't know how you were feeling what you were feeling, that you didn't know who you were when you were with me. I told you that it was natural. You were a man that was falling, that man you didn't recognize was the best of you. It was the man that was bettering me, that was teaching me to be less selfish, to be patient, to fall without fear, without the consent of Time. That man you didn't recognize was the man I fell for. That man was you, falling in... I want to be with that man again. But maybe you don't want to be vulnerable, be that man again.

I still ask myself why I can't let go, why these memories no longer hurt, still I love them more each day. I don't want to forget. I want to keep reminiscing. Because in my heart, I know you still care. I know you didn't want me to leave. Don't you still reach out to me when you wake up? Don't you want to try all the flavors of Special K with me? Is it just me? Am I in this alone? Am I holding on to someone that REALLY did let go?

I am in a state you once wished to visit, a state you never been but would love to be in. I"m here. I'm in the state that you once talked about marrying in. I'm in the state that you want to get away too. I'm here, you have a reason now to come to the Hills. I am your reason.

Hate

2008-11-07T02:58:00.006-05:00

I remember placing the bottle of medicine on his counter top. I caught him looking. He looked over as I grabbed a glass of water. Looking until my hands untwisted the top. I caught him looking at my fragile hands before he could look away. He didn't say a word, just turned away. Till this day I still ask myself why he didn't ask why I was taking medicine. I wish he would have. To tell him that its cause of him, I was taking those pills. Tell him that when the doctor asked me what could have caused a heart problem as such at such a young age, I only thought of him, I blamed him in silent. Tell him that when my arm got weak, when my heart palpitated, when I looked over to my mom and told her that my heart hurt, she grabbed my hand and prayed, I only thought of him, I blamed him in silent. How could I have let him kiss me on the forehead, place the fan in front of me as I laid exhausted on his bed after what he did. I thought that if I tried a bit harder, to show him that I wasn't just beside him, but show him that I was there, I've been there...then maybe he would stop. Every night, I would lay beside him, look over and pray for God to give me the strength to lift up his arm and walk out his door. But I didn't. I wasn't ready to let the man that I wanted him to become him go. I wasn't ready to stop loving his potential, even as the man he was, was killing me softly and slowly. The only way to to not lose myself in him, was to run away. Run away from his hold. I remember how he held me in his arms, with such a tight hold, before I got in the car to leave He would call to tell me he would visit, he may move in with me. All I thought to myself was, "you'll make my heart worse, I will surrender in your arms all over again, I can't anymore." I left myself with him. I left with him the person I was before. I hate him for holding me down, for taking advantage of my naivete, for placing himself over me. I hate him for not hating him sooner than now. I hate him for not blaming him out loud. I hate myself for not walking out his door when he needed me most. I hate that I drew the reflection of his potential on the mirror for him to face, over and over again. I hate him for licking my wounds as he kept filling me up with venom. I hate him for the fact that I now run away, because he was one of the two men that have held me down against my own will, my own good..all for his own good, their own good.

I'm getting past the past, without running away. I can't hate that.

okay...I think I'm ready...

2008-11-06T20:55:00.006-05:00

You can breathe. You can stop being angry. You don't have to be ready to speak to me, listen to me just yet. I'm letting you let go of me, of us by letting go of you myself. All I ask, all I feel you will do for me, is for you to be patient with me for it still hurts and I still have hope. Maybe one day we can be friends, but right now, I'm not ready, for I'm still selfish and want more cause...I am still willing to give more. Maybe one day a peace offering. For now, I'm ready to learn to live without you as the "him" for me. So as I close my eyes I say, "okay...I think I'm ready..."

p.s. feel free to stop me at anytime. right now would be perfect.

No. 47

2008-11-06T20:48:00.004-05:00

"What, have I thus betrayed my liberty?
Can those black beams such burning marks
engrave
In my free side? Or am I born a slave
Whose neck become such yoke of tyranny?
Or want (lack) I sense to feel my misery?
Or sprite (spirit), disdain of such disdain to have?
Who, for long faith, though daily help I crave,
May get no alms but scorn of beggary?
Virtue, awake, Beauty but beauty is,
I may, I must, I can, I will, I do
Leave following that which it is gain to miss,
Let her go. Soft, but here she comes. "Go to,
Unkind, I love you not." O me, that eye
Doth make my heart give to my tongue the lie.

Sir Phillip Sidney, Sonnets from Astrophil and Stella

**funny how it takes sonnets to grasp my attention in class. says a lot.