The Coach Blog

The Carpet

2007-11-30T02:02:00.000-08:00

Props to Mr. R. Anderson for sparking the memory associated with today's post.

So, I think there was an episode of Coach where Luther was over at some dude's fancy apartment. I don't remember who this dude was, maybe an old buddy of Coach's who was totally successful, or maybe it was just someone's apartment like Christine's uncle or whatever. Anyway, for whatever reason everyone left the apartment except Luther. I don't know why Luther wouldn't have left, maybe everyone went to dinner but Luther just wasn't hungry? That doesn't make much sense, it seems like an obvious character trait for Luther would have been just to always have him be hungry. Maybe there were all kinds of jokes at the beginning of the episode because Luther had a stomach ache or sore throat or something that required him to take medicine with hilarious side effects. That's probably what it was, that way Luther wouldn't have had to not be hungry, but he could easily pass up going to dinner. "I'll just lie down on the couch," he probably said when everyone was leaving, shortly after trying to cover up whatever his reaction was to the medicine. The audience found this hilarious I bet.

Anyway, the main focus of the episode I think was that after everyone left, Luther spilled something on the carpet like grape juice. I was tempted to remember him spilling wine, but Luther seems like he wouldn't really drink wine, so I think it was grape juice. Anyway, for basically the remainder of the 26 minutes or whatever Luther was trying to get the stain out, but everything he did only made it worse. Like, probably he wanted to poor club soda all over it but they didn't have club soda in the apartment so he used cola and then when he tried to sop it up with towel or something he ended up just spreading it around. Eventually the people came home and he tried to hide the stain by moving a couch or furniture or something, but I think he couldn't keep this up so he had to admit to what had happened. Since the show had to be resolved, by this point, in like two minutes, whoever owned the carpet probably got really mad and then forgave Luther almost immediately by giving him a semi-patronizing castigation with overtones of friendliness.

I also think there was a dog that Luther was talking to the whole time he was trying to clean the carpet.

Dauber's Task

2007-10-31T00:43:00.000-07:00

I seem to remember an episode of Coach where, throughout the episode, Dauber was continuously doing something really atypical for a big oafy jock to be doing. I can't remember what this was, exactly; I think maybe he had to carry an egg around and pretend it was a baby or something. Regardless, I think this hilarious situation/constraint Dauber was in was used to elicit laughter during otherwise normal conversations on the show. Like, maybe, Coach would be all "blah blah Dauber we have to go over [some football thing] tonight". And Dauber would respond "sure thing Coach". And then Coach would totally give a deadpan "that is of course unless you have to [something related to whatever the weird thing he was doing was]." Then Dauber would respond "Oh, no, don't worry Coach... I already [did whatever that thing was] this morning." The unexpected second clause of that sentence more than likely resulted in hilarity.

Then maybe at some other point in the episode, Dauber would be leaving to do something related to his weird task just as Luther was coming in to Coach's office. Then Luther would be all: "Where's he going?" And Coach would say: "He's got to [do something weird relating to whatever the hell he's been doing all episode]." And Luther would, hilariously, just take this in stride.

Man, regardless of how they did on the football field, Coach certainly hired an incredibly compatible staff.

Breaking Up

2007-07-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

So, I'm pretty sure that before they got married, Coach and Christine had some kind of pseudo-rocky relationship. Like, I think there were hell of episodes where the whole premise is that Coach would screw something up and Christine would get mad and then Coach would have to come up with some sort of oafy, yet creative way to make it up to her/apologize. Then she would forgive him even though he probably didn't deserve to be forgiven and they would hug and kiss and then she'd probably say some one liner that totally delighted the audience and demonstrated that she was still a strong-willed person and then the credits would roll. I would estimate that this was the general story arc for roughly five episodes a season.

Anyway, despite this constant false-anger-cum-gruding-apology plot line, I seem to remember a period of time where they broke up or maybe almost broke up; I'm not sure which. Certainly things were tenuous. This was totally stupid because it was obvious neither one of them actually wanted to break up and everyone knew that of course they were going to get back together. During this time I think they probably went back to standard Luther/Dauber/Coach zany hijinx and/or football-centric plots, but they'd have to throw in a requisite line or two about Christine. Maybe they'd even make a joke about it like Luther would bring it up by being all: "How're things with Christine?" And Coach would just sort of glare at him and shake his head and then a few seconds later maybe the Athletic Director would come in and be all: "How're things with Christine?" and Coach would do the same thing and then the Athletic Director would turn to Luther for a little sympathy and Luther would also be doing the same thing, just shaking his head. This was probably hilarious.

I think this period of time was when the actress who played Christine actually had to leave for some reason.

Luther: Physical Comedian

2007-05-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

I think that the guy who played Luther was pretty skilled at physical comedy. This fact would often manifest itself in plenty of hilarious situations, like probably when he was trying to grab his coffee or something while he was also on the phone, the phone chord would be just a little too short and then Luther would get all wound up in the chord and then maybe he'd knock over a chair or some trophies or whatever. Then Coach would come in and be all: "On the phone again?" in a perfect dead-pan. This probably brought the house down.

But as often as Luther's physical comedy was used deftly, I seem to remember times when it was employed in totally improbable situations. Like, I think probably there was some episode where Luther was at a fancy cocktail party and someone walked by with a tray of hors d'oeuvres. As soon as he went to grab one a different waitress would come by and then another and eventually he would get all tangled in hors d'oeuvres and probably knock a waitress over and also maybe a bus table. Then I think he would make some comment like: "The bruschetta tastes great!" while he was lying on a waitress on the floor or something.

Hmmm... I actually set out to use the hors d'oeuvres example as an illustration of when they misused Luther's physical comedic talent, but the more I think about it the more I realize that this was probably just as funny as when he would get all caught up in the phone chord.

I guess when it comes to Luther's flailing around and knocking stuff over, you can never have too much. I suppose that is why this device was utilized so frequently.

The Coach Blog: Season 2

2007-04-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my absence. You will notice a new link to the right. You will also notice that I no longer live in San Francisco. These two facts are heavily related to the severe delay in posting. I have been busy to the point of being unable to reflect on the things from Coach that I don't entirely remember.

In other news, The Coach Blog is now one year old. And so, with this post, we begin a new season of The Coach Blog; one in which the memories get fuzzier, the posts become fewer, and the readership dwindles back to its original size.

I feel like whenever a new season started on Coach, Coach and Luther and Dauber would come back in to the office and briefly summarize whatever the hell they had been doing for the past month(s). This usually consisted of Coach berating Luther for some mistake he had made. I think the castigation was formed with some sort of ambiguous sentence structure so as to allow Luther to protest before it was revealed what had actually happened. Like maybe Coach would be all "That was some trip. I can't believe you [did something embarrassing]." And Luther would be like "come on, Hayden, it was just [something less embarrassing]." And then Coach would counter with "Yeah, [something WAY more embarrassing]." For example, it could be that Luther had spilled his wine on someone and then told Coach that the old woman didn't seem to mind and then maybe the old woman turned out to be the Queen of England or something. This probably got a big laugh and then Luther would sheepishly say something after everyone was done laughing. Then I think some other character would come in to the office and the plot of the show would start.

After that, no one ever mentioned whatever had happened, I think.

Two Part Episode? One Part Post

2007-02-13T12:37:00.000-08:00

Readership of The Coach Blog seems to have increased dramatically in the past two weeks. My sincere thanks to all of you for your supportive comments and fuzzy recollections.

So there was this episode of Coach that was aired in two parts, I'm pretty sure. The main events of the episode centered around Minnesota State going to a bowl game in some tropical place like Hawaii or Florida or something. The game was a big deal because I think it was their first bowl appearance in some time, but also there was hell of personal pride on the line because Coach and the other team's coach had some sort of rocky history. I don't remember what the history was; maybe the guy was Coach's former college coach and they didn't get along, or maybe they coached against each other in some big game and there was a trick play or some questionable call and Coach was totally humiliated or whatever. In any case, I'm pretty sure the other coach had a name that had something to do with snakes, so people called him "The Snake" or "Jimmy Snake" or something. I also distinctly recall the Snake-Guy and Coach having some conversation in Coach's office where they talked about "the day the snake outwitted the fox," as though that was what the media had dubbed whatever the hell happened between them in that other football game. In this scene also I think it was established that the Snake-Guy was a total asshole. This added further to the understated implications of Coach's previous humiliation, as well as the audience's desire for Coach to beat him in football.

Anyway, so eventually the team went to wherever it was they were supposed to go and I'm sure all sorts of crazy hijinx ensued like maybe Luther had a hilariously difficult time going through airport security or whatever, but the only other thing I remember about the first part of the episode was that there was some sort of limbo competition taking place and Minnesota State's star player (the quarterback maybe?) injured his back. I don't have any idea why there would be a limbo competition taking place, or why Coach would let his players participate in such an event immediately before an important game, but for whatever reason it happened and all hope was lost for Coach, or so it seemed. This is when I think it said: "to be continued..." in an attempt to leave the audience totally in suspense.

I don't really remember what happened in the second part of the episode, except that like, on the last play of the game, the injured guy totally took off his neck-brace and stood up out of his wheelchair and went in to the game. It turns out it he wasn't injured at all. I guess Coach's big plan was to lure the Snake-Guy into some sense of false security, but it kind of seems like maybe the most terrible football strategy I've ever heard of. What could you possibly gain by benching your best player for the entire game, only to have him come in at the end? What the hell was Coach thinking? In any case, I'm pretty sure it worked for some reason and Minnesota State won the game. I think they dumped the Gatorade cooler on Coach like right as they were fading out of the scene and probably some music was playing and I think the audience applauded as if they actually cared what was happening.

The episode ended, I think, with a scene in Coach's office where the Snake-Guy comes in and says something to the effect of "blah blah blah the day the fox outwitted the snake." And then they had some sort of pointless reconciliation and then that character never appeared again on the show.

Coach's Ex-Wife

2007-01-28T14:34:00.000-08:00

So I'm pretty sure Coach had another marriage before he eventually got married to Christine. That would have made this woman Kelly's mom, I'm fairly certain. I think it was one of those things where she probably only showed up in a couple episodes a season and did nothing but make sarcastic one-liners, most of which were subtle double-entendres about Coach's masculinity, sexual prowess, or parenting skills. Also probably she made jokes about some time that Coach totally screwed up in football. I seem to remember that she was also usually drinking some kind of sassy chick drink in a martini glass; like maybe a Cosmopolitan or something but I don't know if Cosmopolitans had even been invented yet.

Episodes that she was in were probably some of the more formulaic. I think like, Coach would be sitting in his office with Luther and Dauber and someone would bring up that Coach's ex-wife (I don't remember her name) was in town and then Coach made some joke where he compared his ex-wife to a witch or something. Then maybe Kelly came in to the office and talked about whatever it was they were going to do while she was visiting. Then I think Coach would make some other joke that was maybe a little less overt and then Kelly would be all: "Daddy, I know you and Mom don't blah blah blah but can you please try to blah blah blah blah. For me? Please?" And Coach would grudgingly say that he'll try. Shortly after this conversation Coach's ex-wife would come in and they'd greet each other by their first names or maybe even Coach would use that opportunity to make another joke at his ex-wife's expense. She would then counter with something like: "I see you still [some kind of negative spin on Coach's current life.]" Then Coach would maybe start to say something that clearly would have been an awesome comeback but Kelly would say, "Daddy..." and then look at him all smug.

I think she had sort of dark reddish hair.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

The Coach Blog would like to wish a very happy New Year to all of you. Even if I don't know you, I hope that your new year is happy.

I have been racking my brain trying to remember if there was ever an episode of Coach that took place during the holiday season. I have a very vague memory of Luther dressing up like Santa Claus, but that might just as well be a fake memory I invented.

I wonder what Coach was like during the holidays. I can't remember if he was like, maybe all jolly or else totally a jerk and always talked about how he didn't like Christmas (I assume he was Christian, though he probably didn't take it too seriously, at least not enough to alienate any viewers). I think maybe he even went on some monologue about why he doesn't like Christmas and then Kelly was like: "Daddy, Christmas is a time blah blah blah," and then Coach made some joke afterwards. Like, "I thought Christmas was a time for [spending money or something]". Then the audience laughed, but not really because they agreed about the frivolity/commercialization of Christmas so much as the joke was well timed and took advantage of parallel construction.

I think then probably Coach learned a lesson about the meaning of Christmas or something.

Kelly

2006-12-13T00:12:00.000-08:00

I think that Coach's daughter's name was Kelly; I'm not sure, but I think that sounds right. Kelly, I'm fairly certain, was in her twenties and was totally headstrong and self-confident, so when she met Christine there was probably all kinds of hilarious jealousy and stereotypical passive-aggressive girl fighting. I think, like, they were always polite up front but then they'd make hell of comments implying the other one was really old or young, like maybe they'd be at dinner and they'd be eating some food and Christine would be all: "Oh, the last time I had this was [during some event]," and then Kelly would say, "Oh really? Was that before or after the [some other event that is totally old and vaguely related to Christine's event]?" The audience would laugh at this and during the laughter Christine would regain her composure and then say something like, "No dear, [some other thing implying Kelly is totally young or something]." This probably resulted in cheers from the audience instead of laughter because audiences like it when old people put young people in their place.

Then later there was probably a scene where Coach and Kelly had to talk about it (probably in Coach's office) and Coach said something like "I know she's not your mother, Kelly, but blah blah blah," and then Kelly would say something about how she doesn't want her Dad to be in a bad relationship or she's protective or some other crap and then eventually the conversation would end and they would hug each other because the problem was resolved and then after the hug Kelly would make one more joke to lighten the mood back up.

After this episode I don't think the tension between Kelly and Christine was ever discussed ever again.

Memorabilia

2006-11-30T15:02:00.000-08:00

Props to Mr. D. Perkins for providing a bit of inspiration for today's post.

So, when an episode of Coach started they would play the theme song over the opening credits, which was kind of unique in that the theme song was played by what sounded like a college marching band and the credits were just a bunch of different shots of football memorabilia. I'm not sure if that song was just the theme song for the show, or if it was supposed to be the fight song for Minnesota state. It would have made a terrible fight song probably. It was a little too sit-commy.

I can't really remember much about the football memorabilia. I think it was just a random assortment of like, footballs and trophies and old black and white photos and maybe some olde-timey football helmets. I suppose this was designed to make the viewer appreciate and revere the great football tradition at Minnesota State, but I'm also fairly sure that there wasn't anything in the piles of memorabilia that, directly, had anything to do with Minnesota State. Well, maybe there was like, a pennant or something that said Minnesota State and had been faded to look all old, but I don't think the producers of Coach would have gone to the trouble to take a bunch of black and white photos of people in old football uniforms that said "Minnesota State" or make a bunch of fake trophies or anything like that. Probably what they did was just find a bunch of old football memorabilia where it's impossible to tell what team that piece of memorabilia is associated with. Then they piled it all up in some old dusty wooden room, slapped on a Minnesota State pennant and filmed it up-close with a bunch of sweeping shots.

I can't decide if this was brilliant or stupid.

International Appeal

2006-11-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

Today's post comes from an Internet café in Cuzco, Peru, so if all of the apostrophes end up looking like some sort of Turkish money denomination, blame the Peruvian government and their insistence on using keyboards that favor their own language to mine.

I bet that Coach was one of the least successful shows ever ported to an international audience. The whole premise of the show revolves around the admittedly limited sport of American Football; specifically college football at an invented university in a relatively obscure state.

I can imagine your typical Argentine or Hungarian man, unable to sleep one night and flipping through the channels on his small, non-Japanese television, when what should he see, but a poorly dubbed comedic show featuring a bunch of tall Americans talking about things he has never heard of. Seriously, how would you translate jokes about defensive backs and quarterback sneaks in to Hungarian?

More than anything, this man would be completely confused. "What the hell is this?" he would probably say, but he would say it in whatever language he actually spoke, not English as implied above.

However, I bet all of his confusion would be put to rest when Luther came in wearing some sort of outlandish suit, or maybe those cellophane glasses the eye doctor gives you after he dialates your pupils. Then, my friends, our poor sleepless man would laugh himself back to a peaceful slumber.

Ah Luther, the great international equilizer.

The Coach Blog On Your Cellphone

2006-10-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

My friend Charlie at 4-INFO has set-up an automated alert system for the Coach Blog. Simply text message: "@coachfx" to 44636 (4-INFO) to receive the most recent Coach Blog post on your cellphone. Once you get a post texted to you, you can then reply "1" to sign up for automatic alerts whenever the Coach Blog is updated. This is awesome.

I can't remember if anyone on Coach had a cellphone. I think maybe there was one episode where Luther had one of those big ridiculous cellphones from the early '90s that he carried around all the time and got all sorts of hilarious calls and wrong numbers on. Like maybe he had a similar number to some celebrity and then maybe that celebrity made a guest appearance at the end and Luther was totally flustered. I don't think this was a real episode, but it might as well have been.

A Formal Affair

2006-10-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

There was one episode of Coach where Coach and all of his family and friends all had to go to some black-tie formal event. I don't remember what it was for, maybe like a fundraiser for Minnesota State or like some kind charity auction or something. I'm pretty sure there were a ton of jokes about tuxes and how maybe Dauber didn't know how to put on cuff links or maybe he attached his suspenders to his boxers or something like that. Also, I think there was the kind of thing where Coach's daughter entered the scene in some kind of dress that was both traditional and provocative and the audience was all "OOOOOOOOOOO" because she was looking all hot. The mime, on the other hand, I think came in a good five seconds later acting all klutzy and maybe with a bloody nose or something; it was a totally hilarious contrast I think.

Anyway, the biggest jokes of the episode came later when Luther showed up in some sort of hilarious tux. Like maybe it was powder blue and had ruffles and maybe he had like white shoes or something and also the tux was a little too small. This was totally hilarious.

I think Luther also kept mispronouncing the word "cummerbund" as "cumberland" or "cucumber" or something.

Christine's Job

2006-09-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that Christine was a newscaster for the local news in the part of Minnesota that she and Coach lived in. I think this made for some serious tension because she was obviously a driven woman who took pride in her career, but she was also married/engaged to a football coach who was completely sexist.

I think there was probably an episode where Christine broke some big news story and everyone was congratulating her and then Coach meant to congratulate her but ended up saying something sexist. And of course, Christine was totally upset and probably for the rest of the episode kept making sarcastic comments that mirrored the derogatory thing Coach had said. And Coach, I think, kept trying to come up with ways to apologize that instead kept making things worse. This was probably hilarious.

Eventually, at the end, Coach probably gave a big monologue about how he knows he's a big dumb football coach who doesn't speak eloquently, but that all that matters is that he loves her.

Even though this would be an insufficient apology for most people, I'm pretty sure Christine accepted it as though it had been good. Then she made a joke right before the credits started.

Sunburn!

2006-08-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

I think there was this one episode of Coach where Luther got totally sunburned. I think maybe the episode begins in Coach’s office and Coach and Dauber are talking about something football related and maybe they’re supposed to have a meeting or something but Luther’s not there. So then Dauber is all, “Hey Coach, where’s Luther?” and Coach is like “I don’t know, he said something about going tanning.” And then Dauber is like “Tanning?” and then Coach gives some response about how maybe Luther’s wife or girlfriend or something (I don’t remember if Luther was married) wanted him to try it out before their trip to some beach place.

Then, I think, Luther came in to the office and was just totally sunburned. And the audience laughed for over a minute and the camera just kept cutting between different angles while Coach and Dauber pretended to be speechless waiting for the laugher to stop.

I think that throughout the episode all sorts of hilarious hijinx happened to Luther, like maybe he had a hard time sitting down or maybe some unknowing football guy slapped him really hard on the back because he hadn’t seem him in so long.

I’m pretty sure he had a hilarious tan line around his eyes.

The Breakers

2006-08-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

At some point in the show, Coach got hired to become the head coach of a professional football team. I'm pretty sure the team was called the Orlando Breakers and that Coach basically brought his entire staff from Minnesota State with him to Orlando to coach the team. Like, of course Luther and Dauber were there, but also so were I think the athletic director and maybe even the tall basketball chick. I don't know how Coach was able to swing that, but it was basically like he never even left Minnesota State. Man, what a stupid idea; good work Coach writing staff.

I don't remember any episodes whatsoever from this time period of the show, but I'm pretty sure that Coach had a bigger office.

The Vows

2006-08-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

There was this one episode of Coach where Coach was hell of stressed-out because he and Christine had agreed that in their upcoming wedding (whenever that was) they would be writing their own vows. Being a football coach, this wasn’t the sort of thing that Coach was really that interested in doing, and I think he only did it to make Christine happy. I think there were all kinds of jokes about how Coach hadn’t even started working on his vows and Christine had had hers memorized for months. Like maybe Dauber was all: “Coach, how’re the vows coming?” and Coach would make some joke about how he was almost done buying the paper he was going to write them on or something like that.

At some point in the episode, Christine ended up in the hospital for some reason. I remember that Coach was visiting her and she was upset because she didn’t think he’d worked on his vows at all when, in fact, he had. He ended up surprising her (and the audience) by reciting his vows right there in the hospital. Though this was a romantic gesture, it seemed like the vows were a little bit too jokey to be the sorts of vows you would want at your wedding. But I guess if you’re going to marry a sexist football coach, this is as romantic as it gets.

Eventually they left the hospital I'm pretty sure.

The Off-Season

2006-07-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the posting delay; I’ve been in and out of town the last couple weeks. This should bring us back to our regular schedule.

I can’t seem to remember what happened on Coach during the football off-season. I mean, the college football season is really only like, three and a half months long. Actual football coaches probably spend the other ¾ of the year doing like, recruiting and practicing and coming up with plays and stuff, but Coach probably spent that time just screwing around with Luther and probably agreeing to be in celebrity date auctions as a favor to Christine or his daughter or something.

I guess when it wasn’t football season Coach was less about the life of a football coach and more about the life of a tall misogynist and his zany friends. Actually, that sounds like an awesome show. I wonder if Coach would have been on the air longer if there hadn’t been as many football-themed episodes.

Probably not.

Facing the Facts

2006-06-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

I think there was this one episode of Coach where basically Coach and the mime had hell of tension between them. Like Coach was in a really bad mood because his team had lost and the last thing he wanted to do was spend time with the damn mime, but his daughter was all: “Daddy,” (she probably called him Daddy) “you had promised that you would take Stuart to [some place] and that you’d really make an effort to get to know him!” or something. And Coach really didn’t want to do this but he is a man of his word, so he and Stuart headed out in to the woods for a camping trip or like maybe went to some other place. Then I think there was some sort of event that trapped them somewhere. Like, maybe they got trapped in a cabin and for some reason they couldn’t get to safety for a while. Maybe there was too much snow or something. Then probably they talked for a long time and began to see eye to eye on things and probably Coach ended by saying something like: “well, Stuart, if my daughter loves you, that’s good enough for me.” And then the audience made an audible “awwwwww” sound. And then Coach probably said something like: “just make you sure you don’t [do some effeminate thing you had done earlier in the episode]”. The audience probably laughed at this.

The A.D.

2006-06-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

Even though I remember him being basically a peripheral character, I think that occasionally the athletic director for Minnesota State would have a somewhat central role to whatever the hell was going on on Coach. I don’t remember what his name was, but I remember that he was bald and he was hell of fidgety. It was as if the guy that played the athletic director decided to base his entire acting repertoire on a terrible attempt at some sort of understated Don Knotts caricature. I don’t remember much about him, but I think he was always super-stressed out about Coach’s antics. This was sort of a weird dynamic, because it was as if there were this history of Coach always getting in to trouble and the athletic director always having to cover for him and getting totally stressed out. I think this resulted in a lot of jokes about why the athletic director was bald.

I’m somewhat unclear as to how the employee/employer hierarchies work in major university athletic departments. Is the athletic director of a school necessarily the football coach’s boss? Or is it more like an administrative supervisor role where the athletic director isn’t a boss so much as an overseer of proper procedure? I don’t really know, but in either case I don’t think the bald guy had any reason to get so stressed out all the time. If he really was Coach’s boss and Coach’s zany antics always left him all stressed, why didn’t he just fire Coach? And if he wasn’t his boss, why the hell would he put so much pressure on himself when Coach was too busy getting into hilarious situations to do his job? But then again, Coach seemed to have a fair amount of job security, so he must have at least been passably decent when it came to coaching football.

What the hell was the athletic director so worried about all the time? I think all of his scenes ended with like, some sort of nervous double-take or Coach maybe knowingly giving him a hard time right before he left Coach’s office. Then maybe he'd say something again once the door closed; you know, just like, to one-up the scared, nervous athletic director. Atta way, Coach. Show 'em who's boss.

The Heat Bowl

2006-06-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

There was this one episode of Coach where Coach’s team was playing in some bowl game in Texas. I think it was basically just the Alamo Bowl because I remember a bunch of stock footage shots of the Alamo, but I can’t remember what the bowl was called in the episode. Whatever it was it was some easily discernable pseudonym for the Alamo Bowl. Maybe the Antonio Bowl or something? Probably if I weren’t so conditioned to remember the Alamo Bowl this would be easier to recall.

In any case, the jokes in the episode were all about how hot it was in Texas when they were getting ready for the game. These were basically corollary jokes to the ones made in that episode about the Patriot Bowl, which were all about how cold it was. I think probably they did this because they didn’t want to alienate people that live in hot places who weren't able to relate to all the cold jokes.

I think also that all of the non-football characters (Christine, Coach’s daughter, the mime, etc.) came to the bowl game with Coach for some reason. Probably they all had a lot of personal issues to work out, which made Coach’s job that much harder considering he was supposed to be getting ready for the game. I think there were probably a lot of jokes about this as well.

On Winning

2006-06-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

I can’t remember if Coach’s football team (Minnesota State) was good or not. On the one hand, I remember some episodes where they went to bowl games, but on the other hand, I also remember a lot of jokes about the team being bad. This was something of an easy joke that they could work in whenever they needed. Probably there were scenes where maybe Coach and Luther had to come up with some scheme to lie to Christine for whatever reason, and Coach would be like, “okay Luther, remember…” and then give some elaborate plan as to the lie they were going to tell, and then Luther would be all “gee Hayden, maybe if you spent this much time coming up with football plays we’d win a few more games.” And then the audience would laugh.

But I guess actually that’s a pretty accurate assessment. Coach seemed to spend a lot of time getting in and out of zany situations. Why didn’t he spend more time coming up with football plays?

The Mime

2006-05-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

Coach’s daughter (whose name I cannot remember) was dating this really pansy guy who was a mime. He was so pansy. He wore, I think, a helmet whenever he went out running because he was afraid of getting hurt. Also, I think he got nose bleeds all the time and Coach’s daughter would always dote over him and make sure he was okay and be hell of worried about his nose. But worst of all, from Coach’s point of view, he was a mime. Clearly if you are the head football coach at a Big-10 (I think it was the Big-10 or at least some fictional equivalent of the Big-10) college you do not want your daughter dating some pansy, nose-bleeding, effeminate mime. Also, the mime’s name was, I’m pretty sure, Stuart. Not only did the writers take the time to make him a weakly feeble mime, they also gave him a name that they knew football coaches the world over would detest; no one who is a football coach likes a guy named Stuart.

So much hilarity ensued when Stuart tried to show Coach how good he was for Coach’s daughter, and how strong he really could be. It was sort of tragic though, because he always failed, no matter how hard he tried.

Even though it was technically tragic I do not think it was sad, however. That guy was a real douche bag.

Dauber's Girl

2006-05-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

I’ve previously made a couple references to the tall basketball coach chick that Dauber totally had a thing for. This created some hilarious situations on Coach because Coach really didn’t get along with the basketball coach chick. I think maybe the whole point of contention was that she thought women were good athletes and Coach was a sexist asshole. Anyway, it probably made for some pretty funny material when, for instance, she would be addressing Dauber and Coach was in the room and she would say something to Dauber that was just totally ordinary, but Coach would overhear what they were talking about and turn the phrase so that it was insulting and sexist. Then the basketball chick would like, maybe, roll her eyes and kind of mug at the camera, but Coach would just be hell of nonchalant, and not even look up from his paperwork. Man, Coach always played it so smooth, even when he was at his most sexist.

I think that chick had a southern accent or something.

The Other Door

2006-05-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

So, most of the time during an episode of Coach we would see Coach in his office. People would usually enter the office from a door that was sort of in the middle of the wall perpendicular to Coach’s desk. However, there was another door that was on the wall parallel to Coach’s desk (kind of off to the left). I don’t know where that door went. I remember all sorts of people coming out of that door, but never people outside the Minnesota State football program. Like, Luther or Dauber (or both) would come out of that door all the time, and I think maybe players would as well, and I seem to remember the Athletic Director coming out of the door, but you’d never see Christine or Coach’s daughter or that basketball Coach that Dauber had a thing for come through the door. These people always entered through the main, regular door.

The thing that is bugging me is that I remember one time Coach went through the side-door and it was like some sort of empty meeting room thing to draw out plays in. Maybe there was like a chalkboard or something. I think the team had their pre-game conference in there. So what the hell were all of those people doing coming through that door? What the hell?

My best guess is that Luther and Dauber didn’t actually have an office, so they spent all their time in that other room, probably just coming up with zany things to run in and yell at Coach in a way that was confusing upon delivery but that obviously held some other soon to be explained meaning. That way, they’d come in and say: “Hayden, we’ve got to blah blah blah…” where the blah blah blah was some sort of non-sequitur sentence that made the audience laugh and then Coach would deliver some flippant one liner (probably insulting Luther and/or Dauber’s masculinity) and the audience would laugh at this too. Then Luther would explain what they were actually talking about. This would help progress the plot of the show probably.