The Webcomic Watchman

CT Review #6: Happiness is a Warm Gun

2008-06-18T19:32:00.001-07:00

Bang Bang Shoot Shoot.

In completely unrelated news, Dr. Haus is now really fucking busy with life. Sporadic updates will now include 90% less self-loathing and whiny filler, leaving this blog with about the same amount of content as the amount of edible lettuce in a McDonalds salad until further notice.

Then again, that's the awesome thing about most webcomics and webcomic review sites: If you have a broadband connection, all it takes to check for updates is a few seconds of your life (even faster if you have one of those newfangled "Live Bookmarks"). So I am not closing down this blog and moving all operations to Comixtalk, but for the moment, I'm rarely going to update this thing unless the mood just happens to smack me when I'm not working.

CT Review #5: The Perfect Fantasy Webcomic

2008-05-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

Review Here. This time around, I used Wayfarer's Moon as a way to talk about most "serious" or "epic" fantasy webcomics I've seen. But as it stands right now, Wayferer's Moon is possibly the most generic of generic fantasy comics in terms of plot. A shame, because the characters actually look kinda different, and the artwork is pretty freakin' good.

2008-05-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

I've updated some links on the sidebar with webcomic and non-webcomic stuff.

Also, Aarin is a quitter!

More reviews coming soon.

That is all.

Review #45: [Your Fantasy Here!]

2008-05-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

:facepalm:

Title: Catalyst
Artist: Esther Chuah
Genre: Fantasy
Updates: Unknown
Link: http://catalyst.comicgenesis.com/

"Wait a minute," the patient wondered aloud, "aren't you just the receptionist boy?"

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"Shouldn't the doctor be reviewing me?"

"Lady, the doctor has been awfully busy as of late."

"Busy with other patients?"

After a beat, the receptionist responded, "Sure, whatever, let's go with that. So tell me, what's the problem?"

"Well, I had this dream where there's an evil empire, and there's a Chosen One, and they're in some sort of fantasy story where --"

The receptionist boy stuck out his hand, "I'm gonna have to stop you there."

"Why, because this sounds like the beginning of most other fantasy stories?"

"No, because it's time for my lunch break."

"But I still need a diagnosis!"

"Yeah, and I don't get paid for overtime." The receptionist boy grabbed his coat from from a nearby counter and started leaving the exam room. "I'm getting a burger, be back in fifteen."

"Is someone else going to help me?"

The receptionist boy left, then returned a second later. He tossed a small blue bottle at the patient. "Webcomic personified, meet Doctor NyQuil! With your insurance, this is about the best we can do for you."

"How is this going to help?"

"Hey, at least this way you'll have better luck at interpreting your dreams after you fall asleep. Now I'm getting a burger. See you in thirty."

"But you just said 15 minutes!" By that time, the door had slammed shut and the receptionist boy had left.

Alright, alright, time to get back to the serious reviewing...oh if only I could say that with a straight face.

So, Catalyst...yeah. It's like when they wrote this thing they should've put, "Evil Empire looking for self-proclaimed heroes to rise up against it. Animal companions a plus."

It stats out with some white-haired chick named Lady Elei beating up several redshirts from the Evil Empire because apparently she doesn't know her place in society. These men try to remind her, but apparently they weren't genre savvy enough to notice her unique costume. But before Elei is able to announce her evil schemes in a dialogue, the story warps over to some blind girl named Kailin who just happens to be a Chosen One. Though in this story it turns out that Chosen One duties are split between a few people: including a talking fox and possibly Elei (If you couldn't tell by the glowing markings on the arm).

Apparently, the only power the Chosen One has is either having somewhat lucid dreams or being able to speak with other species. It's kinda like if the Planeteers only had Ma-Ti around to summon Captain Planet while the rest of the team had to stand around and watch him on his journey of discovery despite having more practical skills themselves...actually, wasn't that like half the show? Crap, I'm getting off track here.

Oh yeah, the Chosen One is called a Catalyst. And both Kailin and Elei have hangers-on (a farmboy named Rune and a Redshirt named Daian who's afraid of horses).

Not much more I can say about this one. There's something about Elei wanting to rip off Kai's tattoo, and how the foxes are mad that mere humans are starting to use the same gift that a bottle of NyQuil and/or some "dream herb" can bring. But there doesn't really seem to be a story there, just an obtuse mythos without a coherent plot to draw newbies in.

On the artistry side, it seems to be pretty good. It's evolved from the strange anti-lens-flare effect of the sunlight from earlier, and the shading feels a little more natural. There are some other minor mistakes, like
some wasted space that just kinda hangs out there. Another nitpick I have happens during the epic action scene with bandits who attack the heroes just because they can, showing Mister Redshirt
furiously stabbing at a bleeding ghost or something.

Overall, if you feel like trudging through a 169 page archive (as of this post), you might find something to like. After all, that's the wonderful thing about nearly all webcomics: they're free to peruse at one's leisure with little cost except a small bit of bandwith. The art is actually kind of good, and the few action scenes in the comic are decent. However, there's just not much there to make this a "must-read" just yet.

Review #44: SIZZZORD-FIZZZZZIGHT!

2008-04-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

Damned Indians and their tomahawk-throwin' ways!

Title: S12ORD
Artist: "yamslayer" (a.k.a. Dan Chamberlin)
Writer: "DemiLevy"
Genre: Action!
Updates: Randomly
Link: http://s12ord.smackjeeves.com/

"Okay, Samuel L. Jackson with a straight-edge sword versus a half-dozen guys with guns. Who would win?"

"Sammy J. man. Can't fuckin' beat that guy."

"Okay...what if those half-dozen guys had motorbikes? And what if they were in the desert and there were a bunch of innocent people circling in conestoga wagons?"

"Now you're just getting retarded. Why would anybody be riding in Conestoga wagons with swords if they had motorbikes with guns in the same place?"

"Fine, how about if we had Samuel L. Jackson team up with Pocahontas--"

"You mean the real one, or that horrible Disney caricature of Native Americans?"

"Somewhere between those two. Anyways, what if we had Sammy J. and Pocahontas fighting a woman with a rapier, a magic rapier that could instantly grow roses from its hilt..."

"Oh...kay..."

"...and the roses were throwing knives?"

"What the fuck? Why even bother with the sword then?"

"And let's say this all happened in a forest next to a desert town."

*cough* *sputter* *wheeze*

"I can understand if you're speechless, you've obviously never heard an idea this cool. I'm thinking of turning it into a webcomic. What do you think?"

*gurgle*

"I guess I'll let you sleep it off then."

I apologize, this was not the one I meant to review when I posted that song hint a couple posts down. Then again, it's not like there was a prize for guessing correctly anyways. That comic is being put on hold. I've decided to finally jump into S12ORD.

First off, do not expect anything involving plausibility with the story. As you may have garnered from the imaginary dialogue above, this story is rife with anachronisms, where your Suspension of Disbelief is entirely propped up by the Rule of Cool to see whether the former runs out or the latter keeps on jamming needles of dopamine into your spinal cord before you shut off your browser window.

Anyways, the protagonist of this story is a black guy named Malcolm (who for the rest of this review shall be referred to as Sammy J.) who just happens to have amnesia that makes him forget everything except the ability to beat people with a sword named Arondight [Google sez: Arondight was the sword of Sir Lancelot].

Just a short moment after he gets rescued by Pocahontas (who will be called Prima for this review, as that is her character's name), troops from the Evil Empire just happen to be riding around on motorcycles with guns and a flaming hand guy. They proceed to destroy everything Prima cares about, though both Sammy J. and Prima manage to fight off the mysterious evildoers with only a sword and a tomahawk.

Honestly, why even bother if no one actually thinks to shoot the good guy? They even carry a wireless communicator, despite the complete absence of anything resembling power lines or a communications tower (possibly explained as "A Wizard Did It"). Why not just send in some more motorbikes to finish him off?

Ah, but then it would be a short story, right? Let's move on.

So anyways, after a little emoting, Sammy J. leaves Prima behind to walk into the nearby forest (not a joke) to meet a woman who seems to recognize him. The two reminisce about The Twelve. Who are The Twelve? We won't be able to find out because the forest caravan is attacked by hidden archers.

[Ed Note: If you haven't guessed that The Twelve are probably the Chosen Ones who hold the magical S-izORDs, please turn in your brain at the desk before you leave.]

Another action scene later, Sammy J. attacks an evil woman who steals the rapier called "Hauteclere" [Wikipedia sez: Hauteclere was "the sword of Olivier, a character in the French epic, The Song of Roland.]. She repeatedly screams that "brute force is useless" despite the fact that she's able to block quite well with the blade against a much heavier blade. This is the part where the creative team behind this work will scream "Rule of Cool" or "A Wizard Did It" and expect you to accept it. If this were a one-shot gag comic, then that might be acceptable, but you gotta offer a little more class than that.

And I didn't even get into the part about the roses that double as throwing knives.

Now, as for the artwork itself: from a technical standpoint, it holds its own (minus this aberration). But as a guy who took a few years of fencing lessons back in the day, the poses during the current fight scene just feel all wrong. Sure, it starts out small, with the handles being switched around at the end of this strip, then there's this whole strip where Sammy J. strikes a dramatic pose to move a few feet forward. Then uses two hands to thrust a one-handed sword and takes her time, despite having no problems with handling it correctly before. And then Malcolm kicks her in the gut despite falling downward from his magic teleport above her (A Wizard Did It).

Okay, I seem to be nerd-raging on this one fight scene, but why is Sammy J. jumping up and down like a fucking bunny when he leaves himself open to getting skewered? And if the evil woman was able to kill one of The Twelve in a brief battle scene before, why is she suddenly incapable of scoring a single cheap shot without the really stupid throwing knife-flowers?

And on one last note, if the Evil Empire had people with guns, why is the evil woman forced to use archers anyway? Couldn't she have just bought a pistol for one of her evil henchmen?

*Le Sigh* Well folks, I tried to make this review funny, but how can you mock a comic that does such a great job of parodying itself? If you can get past the anachronisms, the contradictions, the cliches, check your disbelief at the door and find yourself able to watch an entire season of Naruto without being physically strapped down to a chair with your eyeballs propped open and a bucket of cold water thrown in your face every 15 minutes, then you'll probably enjoy this.

Well, the Internet Hate Machine now has its pound of flesh. Tune in next week when Dr. Haus wonders why he still has to give a shit about webcomics.

IRL Drama: La Continuación!

2008-04-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

Fuck, I didn't want to post this shit again, but I also didn't want to sound like one of those comic artists who's constantly making excuses for not doing any work. Guess it's too late for that though.

Ah well, enjoy this until I can finish up one of those drafts of a post I have piling up.

Not-Review #44: Okay, I'm totally, totally awake.

2008-04-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

Oh c'mon, you're using the overdose excuse again? Look, it was funny the first time, but now you're just bullshitting everyone.

"Is that you God?"

What is it this time? Cough syrup? NyQuil? Acid spiked with meth? Vast quantities of "Spider-Man's Wife"?

"No. It was allergies, and the medication I took to stem the flow of--"

Look, are you getting a review done or not?

"Yeah yeah, just lemme check my files."

You know how long it's been? It's been so many fucking weeks that the Internet thinks you're dead!

"Oh shit, the Internet is gonna think bad of me! I don't think I'll ever live it down if that happened! Here, lemme throw up a song that bares a passing reference to the title."

Ugh, classic rock again?

"Don't diss the classics, dude."

IRL Drama! (the se/pre-quel)

2008-03-30T14:41:00.001-07:00

Writing up yet another thing for CT and this blog on top of a pile of real work that matters.

This is not an allegory of anything at all.

Hopefully something more relevant will appear in this space.

CT Review #4: Police Procedural with a werewolf

2008-03-20T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well, this review focuses on a comic called Paradigm Shift. Bland name aside, it's one of the few werewolf-ish comics that doesn't make me run for the exit. Maybe because it focuses more on the police side of things, and it does actually paint some realistic pics of downtown Chicago.

Anyways, I tried to make it funny, but the comic was actually decent, so it may not be my best work. Hope you like it all the same.

Review #43: Meet the Epic Harem Comedy Movie!

2008-03-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

Trust me, this LOLcat is funnier than this comic.

Title: Shonen Punk
Artist: Andy Pinkard (a.k.a. "Teh Andeh")
Genre: Harem Comedy(?)
Updates: M-W-F
Link: http://shonenpunk.com/sps2/ (current strip)
(Also, click here for the archive of the "first season" of Shonen Punk. Don't stare at it too long.)

[Ed note: Dr. Haus's brain was too far damaged to write an accurate review for this comic. So instead, we have cobbled together a transcript based on this audio cassette he happened to be carrying just before he crashed out on our couch. We have given him a large glass of ice water and are now playing the DVD box set of the entire first season of The Boondocks on the TV screen in front of him, in hopes that it will wake him from this catatonic state.]

--0:00 "Okay, I've decided to try jumping into this thing. Apparently the archive only has about 15 strips. Oh, I see, this is just a 'season 2.' I guess I should look at 'season 1' to get the story."

--1:01 "Beginning has been located. Possible artist self-insertion character, drawings look hastily cobbled together with shoddy inking, but I'll excuse it for now, as the artist is just starting."

--1:12 "Holy shit, did he just toss in random Japanese words for no reason at all? This doesn't seem right. And what the fuck kinda name is Chiitsu Pinkada?"

--1:43 "Oh God, the first female lead character has been introduced, magically appearing from a Hentai DVD. And in one brazen act of wish-fufillment, her first act is declaring she wants to jump on the main character's dick for no reason at all. In Andy's defense, she did come from a Hentai DVD, but was he really that desperate for a girlfriend? Sorry, getting off track again."

--2:55 "Her brother is a robot? Okay, that's a bit of a stretch, but my suspension of disbelief is seriously failing pretty early here."

--3:10 "A cat-girl named Neko-Chan who may or may not have the hots for that Chiitsu guy? Fuck this, I'm going to mooch some booze off my friend, and then try to tackle this review again."

--4:20 "Wait, you're telling me he plays fucking Gaia Online? No wonder he couldn't get a girl until one magically jumped out of a Hentai DVD."

--5:05 "Okay, there's a black chick, and she's tossing in random Japanese words. Something about a secret evil scientist guy too."

--5:16 "Oh, and now she wants the fat guy's cock too. Didn't think he would bother to include actual personality in any of these people."

--5:20 "Maybe it's the booze talking, but I think my brain is starting to die. Lemme just skip ahead here..."

--6:42 "Some chick obsessed with Pocky. Did this artist actually meet any women, like, in the real world? Or did he just learn everything about relationships from hentai and anime? Lemme take a shot of Jim Beam. [incomprehensible] Yes, it's for science dammit!"

--6:50 "Oh, and they're at some academy or something...but really, who gives a shit? I thought this shit was supposed to be a harem comedy, but I don't see the fucking comedy."

--6:59 "Maybe it'll get better if I scroll through to half a year..."

--7:04 "No, no it didn't."

--7:13 "Holy shit, this guy combined l33tspeak, an unnatural obsession with Pocky and big-breasted, two-dimensional women. On one page. The world really is coming to an end."

--10:22 "Look, if you're gonna reference Power Rangers, at least make it funny goddammit. Simply referencing the material doesn't make it funny. Oh he's also trapped in a MMORPG or something.

--13:00 "Wait, now it's an allegory for Chiitsu's IRL girlfriend and his [not-]Real Doll Eva fighting over him? Wow, talk about wish-fulfillment."

--15:30 "What did Ashton Kutcher say in that episode of That 70's Show? I think it was something like 'could God make a boob so big that He Himself could not fully grab it?' [inaudible] Wow, I must be drunk, cuz I'm actually laughing at a joke by Ashton Kutcher without wanting to punch him in the face! [laughter]"

--17:07 "Another girl wants to fuck the Gary Stu main character. Why don't I encounter big breasted women who want to have my babies every time I step outside, or a preteen catgirl who refers to me as 'daddy!' every few minutes? Wow, these weeaboos must have some pretty high self-esteem."

--20:01 "Wait, is that possible plot I smell? Nah, that's just cannibis."

--20:13 "Hehehe...plot! Just sounds funny. Plotplotplot."

--21:18 "Not-Zordon has returned. I'm just gonna play some Doors right now while we...I mean I smoke this bowl. There's no one else in this room except me and a nice couple who did not sell me illegal drugs and alcohol. Believe it! [laughter] ...wait a minute, that's not funny! That's not funny at all! Put on the Doors, man!"

--24:23 "Wait, 'The Thrill Is Gone' was a song by B.B. King, right? Right. Guess what? The thrill is gooonnnne. The thrill is gone awwwwaaaayyyyy. That's the feeling I get while reading this shit. Fuck, I don't even think John Solomon could stomach this shit."

--28:55 "I AM NO MINIBOSS TO SIMPLY CATS ASIDE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! You'll never take me alive, coppahs!"

--32:00 "No! The [not-]Real Doll dies! And she was a robot all along?" [excessive sobbing in background--Ed.]

--36:59 "Get me another bottle! I'm just getting drunk enough to laugh at this thing!"

--42:38 "Now a Naruto-ish woman wants to jump on his dick? Why have I not seen one panel of nudity to make up for all this shitty writing? At least John Joseco could deliver some hot lesbian sex in The Lounge. Oh, and that Pinkader, Pinkerton, Pink-whatever also wrote in the blog post below this comic:

omg it’s trista. she’s a friend I met on gaia XD most kissable lips on person i evar met i swear *0*

>> nice tits too >>;

Here, just smack my nuts with a 2x4, it's the only way I'll be able to get through with this review."

--43:09 "OWWWWWW! FUCK! MY NUTS ARE ON FIRE! GET ME A DOCTOR!"

--43:19 "Oh wait, I am a doctor! [inaudible] Hey, I don't tell you how to do your job. Gimme that 2x4 bitch! Gimme it now!"

[It was at this point that the tape recorder ran out of batteries. According to later interviews with Dr. Haus, he admitted that the art has gotten considerably better in Season 2, but the writing still sucks like a underaged, two-dollar whore with Chris Hansen watching nearby.

Apparently, the anime references, random Japanese language, and the two-dimensional females who were just there to jump on the male lead's dick were just too much for Dr. Haus to handle. However, upon recovery, he has prepared a statement:]

Yeah, I put in as much effort into writing this review as "Andeh" did with his comic. And here I thought Marilith was semi-exploitive, but at least Marilith had a plot, and it had women who didn't need to rip off anime tropes to fight. And at least they fought for something other than the privilege of sucking off the fatass male lead.

So, Andy, wanna know why I think this comic sucks aside from the above? Because you throw in several references to Japanese manga and anime at random, and then you don't even bother to parody them. As I said all the way back during my review of Bad Guy High, references alone do not make a humorous comic, you must take the reference and turn it upside down or else the humor is gone. You just use the references to reinforce the Gary Stu-ness of your main character.

Then again, you can just throw a ton of pop-culture references in your script and hope enough stupid people pay you to see it before they realize they've been swindled, if at all. But enough about every movie written by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

Look, if pretty much the entire comic is about how every female character with big breasts wants to fuck the male lead character, then stop dicking around and turn it into an H-comic. Lord knows you can make money off of it, just look at John Joseco. But if you're going to make a harem comedy, you have to include some actual fucking "comedy." If you're going to parody the genre, then stop playing into the same fucking stereotypes and parody it already.

I just hope this was one giant-ass parody of a bad comic intended to piss the reader off so you can say you "did it for the lulz" like those folks behind Powerup Comics. Chances are you'll say it anyways even if, as I suspect, you really don't have any ability to write any characters outside of stomping flat every anime trope I can think of while you engage in blatant wish-fulfillment with your self-inserted character. Excuse me, in season two it's the semi-digital copy of a blue-haired boy created from the sperm that two of the [not-]Real Doll girls carried from the original Gary Stu of Chiitsu Pinkada who is now Emperor of Earth or some shit. No I am not fucking joking.

I'm sorry, you obviously understand Japanese, right? After all, you dropped "chan" and "san" and "nani" and all those words that people pick up after reading enough manga, so maybe I should spell it out for you in this way: お客様のウェブコミックは悪いですが、気を悪くしておいてください。

You're welcome.

UPDATE (3/31): It has been brought to my attention that the artist of this masterpiece, "Teh Andeh," has graced this humble blog with his presence to say that he did it for the lulz. Dr. Haus is unable to fully respond, as he is currently chugging a bottle of NyQuil and hoping for yet another bout of sickness to leave his body. However, it seems some of "Teh Andeh's" words were scrambled upon posting, and this is the best our team of translators could transcribe in response.

Also, Dr. Haus scribbled this down on a piece of paper before punching out:

I've officially reviewed almost 50 comics, and this one sparks the most nerd rage?

Review #42: A History of Violence

2008-03-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

Go-Go Gadget Hand!

Title: Elven Lacryment
Artist: Alex Moore
Writer: "Q" (no, not that Q)
Genre: Fantasy/Horror
Updates: Unknown
Link: http://elvenlacryment.com

They say there are two ways orcs are represented in games and comics: One way is the bloodthirsty savages who run through the countryside, looting and pillaging and breaking shit up for the hell of it (say, the Orks from Warhammer 40K). The other type are the noble savages with a whole spiritual/mystical tribe revolving around shamanic traditions who are always misunderstood by humans (say, the orcs from the later Warcraft saga).

Unfortunately for the elves in this comic, their orcs fall into the first category.

The story is narrated by an elf named ShadowWolf [sic] with a shitty life. Her mother is attacked by some dark elf just as she's about to be born. Her village is attacked by orcs when she becomes a teenager and her mom's head is stuck on a pike. Her only traveling companion (so far) is some empathic wolf/hound named Xanther. And for some reason, the same orcs that razed ShadowWolf's village to the ground keep hunting her. Yes, that's pretty much a summary of the whole story so far. Nothing special, nothing awful, just a good ol' tale of revenge.

One would ask why the orcs even bothered to spare ShadowWolf after decimating her entire village, but then the comic would be incredibly short. Either the orcish leader has some ulterior motive that has yet to be revealed or ShadowWolf has just been given special plot armor from the writer.

The artwork on this thing is a bit of a mixed bag. On one hand, the faces of the characters are incredibly detailed, this particular style seems to draw out such rich emotional reaction that you can see the fear or the anger in their eyes quite vividly. The weapons are quite detailed, and the red blood seems to contrast well with the more gothic, grayscale appearance of the comic.

However, there are several strips where the artist just leaves a grayish wall in lieu of an actual background unless the script demands it, though the later pages have gotten better with this. Another thing that bugs me is that there seems to be quite a few different styles of orc yet there just seems to be one body type for the elves (with slightly different hair colors). Hell, I had a hard time telling that the protagonist was even supposed to be a woman until I peeked at the character bio page.

Overall, this comic could get better with time, but as it stands, it just isn't really special. I guess my first warning should've been the fake word in the comic's title: lacryment, a bastardized form of lacrimation, though I guess titling it Elves Who Cry Excessively doesn't sound as mysterious or alluring.

Review #41: Don't Fear the Reaper

2008-03-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

Oh come on! You knew that pun was coming!

Title: Reaper 7
Artist: Brian Brock
Genre: Sci-fi
Updates: Monday, Friday
Link: http://www.crimsonnight.net

"How much recreational drug use is it going to take for me to die?"

The Grim Reaper finished a hit of the nargila and passed the pipe back to me as he contemplated the question. "In your case?" He responded, "Probably never, considering you're but a fictional character like Spider Jerusalem or Hunter S. Thompson."

"Dude, Hunter Thompson was real." I took another hit from the nargila as the Reaper pondered this statement.

"Oh no my friend, Hunter Thompson is but a codename that was used at the time to designate one special journalist with a high tolerance for pain suffering for the subjects he covers and the recreational drug use to escape it." As I blew smoke rings at the ceiling, the Reaper continued his statement, "I believe the current incarnation of the Gonzo Journalist is currently that reporter who marched around in a gorilla suit doing interviews with the Kerry campaign in '04...what's his name again? Matt Taibbi, right?"

"You keep track of this stuff?" I asked, passing the pipe back to the Reaper.

"Believe me, plenty of people find they can't go on during these times of turmoil, like in this comic you've chosen to review: It used to be some fantasy-ish tale called Crimson Night, and it went through a few different incarnations before the artist settled upon the one you have chosen to review right now." The reaper took a long hit before he finally exhaled the biggest smoke ring I had ever seen, "Believe me buddy, sometimes death is just a pit stop on the road of life. Speaking of which, you did choose one of those religions with reincarnation, didn't you?"

"Nah, I was born into one of the more Western, monotheistic ones."

"Well," the Reaper drawled out that word before finishing with, "you're just shit out of luck then."

So the world's gone to shit, the Emperor dies on the very first page, a school has taken control over the unnamed Empire (you mean the educators actually have power outside the ivory tower of academia now? We are so fucked.) and is training psychically gifted people to hone their talents for some reason, and the world is in one of those "post-technology" stages of evolution. Pretty dark, huh? Welcome to the world of Reaper 7.

The hero of this story is a perpetually pissed-off guy named Issac, carrying a small scythe who may or may not be a member of a rebel group.

Brief rant on weaponry here: why would this guy be carrying a scythe? It just seems pretty damn impractical to be using unless he was a farmer in a previous life, and even then, wouldn't a pair of kama be easier to whip out than a huge blade that only works with a forward slicing motion? Even the old Polish war scythe had the blade extend out from the end to serve as a halberd instead of curving back in towards the user.

I know, I know, this might just fit under the so-called Rule of Cool, so I'll shut my mouth about it for the rest of this review. Back to my slightly-more clever voice.

Oh, but it gets better: Issac is forced into a shotgun marriage with a cliche "girl-floating-in-a-tube" from a rundown facility (named Seven, hence the second half of the title), thanks to exposition from a holographic projection of her now-dead father/creator. The hologram tells him that a device implanted in his neck will kill him if the two are separated for too long. Issac grudgingly accepts his new position, even though he doesn't seem to care enough to leave her for a drink. The reason why Issac bothered to show up at the facility in the first place if he truly doesn't give a shit about anything is unclear. It kinda feels like the character is trying too hard to emulate that anti-hero attitude and just ends up coming off as an asshole.

Also, there's a robot with a paper bag and glowing eyes instead of a head. Sorry, got distracted again, but he doesn't seem to really do much of anything.

So anyways, the odd couple pick up a scholar named Daevlon, from the aforementioned ruling Academy, who seems to have a sword and psychic powers. The only difference between him and Issac seems to be hairstyle and the ability to walk around in torn button-down shirt, otherwise they look pretty similar. His primary motivation seems to be stopping Issac from using Seven against the Empire, but if this was his real purpose then one wonders why he didn't just leave Issac to die after stabbing him through the back. There's also something about a rogue tomboy with a gun, but as of this post that character hasn't really been developed yet.

As far as the artwork goes, the backgrounds are pretty well drawn and give off a nice, rustic motif, though the fantasy-ish village following the rundown industrial factory does make me question how post-modern this regressed-tech setting is. The character models are drawn pretty small, and sometimes you have to squint to see their faces. It feels like the artist is trying to shove as many panels as he can in a predetermined 468x720 pixel frame, whether or not that was his intention. Also, the anatomy is occasionally a little twisted around in a few panels. Though it has improved from what little I remember of this comic's previous incarnation (Crimson Night), it seems there are still quite a few kinks lying around.

It feels like there's a comic with good potential wanting to jump out here, but the cringe-worthy dialogue coming from Issac and the okay drawing are currently leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

Review #40: I Know You're Out There, Somewhere Out There

2008-02-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

If only the bank took "ambition" instead of
"money," things would be awesome.

Title: Out There
Artist: R.C. Monroe
Genre: Romance/Comedy (or just take your pick)
Updates: Daily (minus Sundays)
Link: http://outtherecomic.com

It may seem daunting at first, to review a webcomic that has updated almost daily since June 2006, but some of that fear is alleviated when you notice how incredibly minimalist it is. The comic uses simple black-and-white drawings with little in the way of background as opposed to the lush colorization and backgrounds from comics like Purgatory Tower or Dresden Codak. As a result, this comic relies more on the script to tell the story instead of the artwork.

Allow me to explain: Out There has no magic powers, no guns, no swords, no blunt political or religious messages, no angsty anti-heroes, no unlikely heroes banding together to defeat a powerful evil, and nothing in the way of internet memes or "dead baby comedy" for cheap laughs. It's just a snapshot of the life of a bartender named Miriam and the various characters she either knows or meets over the course of the story. This does make the comic a bit of an acquired taste.

The comic starts out with Miriam driving across the country from not-San Diego to a port town in not-New England, planning on both taking a bartending job and hooking up with an online boyfriend. In the first few strips, she decides to pick up a bald, mild-mannered drifter named John pretty much on impulse. The story seems to flow from that one decision, as Miriam tilts between her slight attraction to the mild-mannered John and her promise to her online boyfriend, Chuck.

The comic switches back and forth between scenes of the Miriam traveling eastward with John to not-Portsmouth, the setting of their destination. While they drive cross-country, the aforementioned Chuck and the bar owner Sherry are trying to keep their trust in Miriam, while their hangers-on (James and Clayton, respectively) are thinking the opposite.

You think the story would be all about the journey, right? No, that's only a small part of it, but things continue even after Miriam (with John in tow) reach their destination. The comic segues into the adjustments Miriam has to make upon finally taking her new job at Sherry's bar and physically hooking up with Chuck. At the same time, John decides to stick around with his mild-mannered ways, James is forced to deal with his roommate now having a girlfriend, and Clayton...is still an alcoholic.

The story may not be a great fit for everyone, and the artwork is pretty damn minimalist. Hell, the strip itself looks like it could fit in a newspaper. However, if you are in the mood for something along the lines of Doonesbury with alcoholism instead of politics (hey, Clayton looks a bit like Zonker from the olden days), then chances are you'll like Out There as well.

Review #39: Welcome to Purgatory, Such a Lovely Place...

2008-02-17T17:45:00.000-08:00

"You can checkout any time you like/
But you can never leave."

Title: Purgatory Tower
Artist: Sarah Hebblethwaite (a.k.a. "silentkitty")
Genre: Fantasy/Anthromorphic
Updates: Unknown
Link: http://www.drunkduck.com/Purgatory_Tower/

[UPDATE: Narrative replaced with something funnier and trippier, and title of post changed slightly. Also, a couple sentences added to the actual review.]

Enjoy your stay, the receptionist said. You’ll love it here, the concierge said. Wish he’d told me about the jungle I’d have to wade through to find the exit. Maybe I should’ve paid more attention when I checked into this place. I had no idea there would be so much damned vegetation in Purgatory.

All I wanted was to unpack my bags and find a bar to drown my sorrows in before heading off to diagnose some more patients. Bunch of whiners: “Oh, look at me, I’ve been shot in the arm and I need a doctor to pull the bullet out! Oh, I’m suing Dr. Haus because he left a pair of pliers in my stomach and sold me painkillers that didn’t work! Oh, I need Big Government to come in and help me pay these astronomically-high medical bills because the insurance company dropped me on a whim!” Whatever happened to pulling yourself up by the bootstraps? What happened to survival of the fittest, or evolution?

In the distance, I could swear I heard my receptionist boy calling out for me again. “You’re Robo-tripping, aren’t you?” He’s saying. How can he find me in this jungle? “You’re not in a jungle! You’re in Vegas!” He shouts back. Then what are those monsters above me? Oh God, that monster is swooping down at me, a green freak of nature with bird wings. “Cirque du Soleil” he shouts back, “And you’re walking through the middle of the second act!”

How could this be a circus? I didn’t see any clowns or abused elephants taking center stage. Suddenly, the music stops and several creatures are looking at me. Then the Receptionist boy is dragging me out a door, muttering, “When we get back home, I’m locking away all your Hunter S. Thompson books.” But I still see the face of a catgirl staring back at my limp form, a catgirl with three eyes. Oh God, what did I get myself into?

What's this? I'm able to publish a review in less than 21 days again? Someone break out the mother fucking champagne! [Ed. Note: Dr. Haus does not endorse fucking mothers with champagne bottles.] Onto the comic itself though, in my super-super-serious voice:

The story's premise sounds a bit familiar to anyone who's read Battle Royale or anything related to Roman Gladiators: Several folks serving a life sentence in an unnamed place are given the chance to race to the top of a tower known as Purgatory. Anyone who reaches the summit alive gets a full pardon for their crimes. Aside from that, there are no rules about how to get there.

Gotta admit, it's a fine example of Darwinism with several anthromorphic prisoners. At least they're polite enough to listen to the rules before they start killing each other. But several pages of simply watching these folks fight each other to the death wouldn't hold my interest for long.

Instead, the story focuses on a few characters in particular: On one side, we have Aisha, the squirrel-girl thief with a tail about as large as her body. On the other end, the story follows Cai, a cat-girl with a third eye infused in her right shoulder, and a talking tree-thing with a human face named Morgensen. Why it is that every character seems to have become some human-animal hybrid is not quite known, although according to this strip, it seems to be the equivalent of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony in their still-unnamed world.

If I have any complaints about the story so far, the setup for the main characters running into each other seems kinda awkward. The meeting borders on Cai/Morgensen somehow acquiring and using the materials for a large explosive right at the moment when the squirrel is about to get cut by a magic sword. Not to mention that all the characters caught in the aforementioned explosion miraculously survive. The explosion is never mentioned again, though one assumes that if Cai knew how to make explosives, she could make one again when fighting this big blue creature rather than just fighting it hand to hand. A small problem, yes, but one that nags me in an otherwise plausible narrative.

There isn't much else to say about this thing without spoiling what exists of the story, considering only around 80 pages have been completed ("only" 80, I know). The artwork is quite exceptional, just one beat below the CG goodness of a finished The Prime of Ambition strip. Aside from the occasional melted toes and one inexplicably green mushroom cloud (from the aforementioned explosive scene), the action scenes are pretty well drawn and the characters show a decent range of emotions.

Of course, if there's one main thing I can credit this comic for, I was genuinely willing to keep reading the next page, and not just for the sake of reviewing it. Take a look, and maybe you'll enjoy it too.

Review #38: Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!

2008-02-11T12:19:00.000-08:00

The mob boss with a heart of gold.

Name: Coffee Time
Creators: John Kratky (writer) & Tobias Kaschinski (artist)
Genre: Comedy/one-shot gag (Volume 1), Drama! (Volume 2)
Updates: Monday/Wednesday
Link: http://www.coffeetimecomics.com/coffeetime/index.shtml

"Dr. Haus?" The receptionist boy knocked on the door to my office, expecting a sign of life from beyond that solid block of wood yet receiving none. He somehow escaped that crazy man from the mountain like I did, but then tried to enter my office. Couldn't he understand I was busy trying to inject some antibiotics into a patient?

"Dr. Haus?" Came the cry again, followed by more knocking at the door. Couldn't he see that there was nothing he could say until I was finished with this patient?

"Dr. Haus? I have your coffee!" With those words, I ran to the door and ignored the whining of the man in whose left arm I had forgotten to remove the hypodermic needle. As I opened the door, the receptionist boy indeed carried a steaming double mocha from a coffee shop that wasn't pretentious enough to rename its cup sizes "grande" or "venti." Feeling that awesome elixir of life slipping down my throat, I finally felt energized and ready to face the day while my brain began to uncurl.

In my excitement, I went back to my patient and ripped the needle out of his arm. For some reason, he didn't seem to feel grateful that I had cured his illness as I wrapped part of his upper left arm tightly in gauze to stop the bleeding.

Awright, awright, Dr. Haus trying to get back into the reviewing groove that he once had awhile back. Let's see if we can't get a new review done through a haze of painkillers.

It's a bit difficult to review this one, because it's broken up into two volumes. The first volume obviously showcases when the creators of Coffee Time were just dicking around with their ideas. The second volume takes a much more serious and edgy turn. So I'll try to sum up both as best as I can.

The first volume sets up the cast of characters, including

Steph, the Nice Girl
Cypress, the Bad Girl
Vince, the self-styled mobster with a big heart.
Tom, the Nice Guy(TM) with the baseball cap.
Eddie, the badass with a cool car and a knit cap.
The Angry Ashkenazi (my name, not theirs), a young Jewish wrestler (with stylish yarmulke and matching headgear) named Eugene.
Karate teacher and prideful Japanese guy Tanaka.

Is it really that easy to sum up? Yes, for the first volume the characters mostly play their type in three/four-part gags. The artwork is workable if a bit sloppy with the characters and too much unused background space, and the jokes kinda meander in their own zones as the various character types play across each other. All of them (except Eugene and Tanaka) work at the coffee shop called "Coffee Time" while some anarchist pastiche of Willie Nelson looks on.

Things pick up later in the volume two, but whether for the better or worse is questionable. Like NJ Huff of Emergency Exit and "Mookie" of Dominic Deegan, the creative minds behind Coffee Time seemed to tire of simple gags and decided to try something more story-oriented. And how do they kick it off? With a horrible car crash during a race with badass Eddie in the car and Cypress ending up in the hospital to mark the end of volume one.

It only gets more angsty and dramatic from there: Tom has mommy issues and nets a girlfriend who turns out to be a devout Christian. Eddie keeps blaming himself for Cypress being in the hospital and having bad dreams about the race. The Angry Ashkenazi decides to try training in martial arts under Master Tanaka, probably to justify keeping him around in the story. And there's also a developing plot about a bookstore with a not-Starbucks threatening to suck away business from the Coffee Time shop that most of the aforementioned cast works at.

Personally, I found this comic interesting because I found myself identifying with a few of the characters in the strip in volume 2. From Eugene's determination to master karate to Eddie's questioning his values in the wake of a car crash, I've actually known some people with these same traits in my life. On the artistry side, the artwork gets a little more creative without using a generic manga or American style. This style seems to shine a lot more during brief action or exaggerated emotional scenes, but it does show quite a lot of progress on the artist's part.

So in the end, is this a good comic or a bad comic? The cartoons start out as cardboard caricatures and slowly get some depth written into them, the artwork is a lot better in the current strips, and I find myself empathizing with a few of the current characters. It doesn't try to be anything too expansive or complicated, nor does it take itself too pretentiously. For those of you who want me to pigeonhole it into a category, I'll sweep it towards the crop of "good" comics.

But I reserve the right to sweep it back into the "bad" pile if the characters don't continue growing out of their two-dimensional selves.

CT Review #3: Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition (updated)

2008-02-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

I review Marilith here.

More commentary to come later when I've had coffee, except to say that I may or may not get some more knee-jerk reactions from this piece. Of course, that assumes that I haven't driven off most of my readers already by not updating.

_____________

[UPDATE] Okay, it seems that someone spiked my coffee or somehow ripped out the caffiene from it, as I couldn't get back to this thing for a few days. I blame my evil arch-nemesis.

I don't have much else to say, other than the fact that some folks seem to think that just because I say bad things about a comic means I hate it. If I hate a comic, you will know in blunt terms that I hate it. But even for comics I like, I'd be abandoning my duties if I didn't mock the parts of a comic that deserve to be mocked, or point out the flaws that need fixing.

If I may use a popular example, just look at most of Yahtzee's game reviews: he doesn't hate every game, but he does hate on the parts where he feels that the developers drop the ball and where they deserve it, and he does it in a rather hilarious manner. I may not have the British charm to pull off the phrase "stonking great tits" in a review without sounding like a total "wanker," but I do try to lighten up what would otherwise be just another blog with some dude shouting into the void that is the world of webcomics (unofficially known as the "webcomic-o-sphere," except it doesn't quite roll off the tongue).

That is all. Now let me get back to my coffee.

_______________________

[UPDATE 2]: Wow, three days after this review was published, Krazy Krow is handing off artistry duties to a fourth artist. Where does he keep finding these relatively talented people to draw his comic, and where can I get them?

2008-01-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

So it's been, what, over two weeks since my last real post?

Well, I've submitted a review for ComixTalk, and I'm trying to skim through one of the comics on my waiting list of those requested, but my free time has grown incredibly small. "Why can our beloved Doctor not even keep to a simple once-a-week schedule?", you may ask. Good question. And let me say that the following song does not pertain to my situation in any way.

New review forthcoming...

2008-01-24T23:03:00.000-08:00

...after this message:

Review #37: "The War" (Revised)

2008-01-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

[Ed note: the way this comic's website is set up, it won't let me link to individual pages. So you'll have to excuse the lack of embedded links in this post

Now revised to include actual review and hopefully less ambiguity.]

Title: Alpha Shade
Creators: Joseph and Christopher Brudlos
Genre: [TBD]
Updates: Sporadically
Link: http://www.alpha-shade.com

From the war journal of PFC Gordan Haus

Today we arrived in a desert region. Apparently, we were covering the flight of some folks escaping an evil empire. For some reason, our CO was a young woman. A young woman leading our forces? I couldn't believe it either. Next thing you know, they'll want the right to vote.

Wait a minute, they already have that? Ho boy...

Anyways, there I was, manning the artillery, and then we see giant fucking birds flying overhead. No, I'm not just talking about planes, I mean giant fucking birds. Big blue, raptor-like ones that look like creatures from a Michael Crichton novel, before he jumped the shark and became all preachy.

How do I know about Michael Crichton, you ask? Because just as the huge battle scene is getting good, the story flashes back to a scene where my CO happens to be a gymnast in a futuristic American college (all the way to the year 2006!), and the senior officers are her assorted friends, or at least alternate dimension copies. They haven't really explained that yet. There's also some magical stone found in Peru, and magical, telepathic cats with the power to kill people. I knew those LOLcats were part of an evil plot, but did they listen to me? Nooooo!

But then, just as we're getting to know the main characters, the story kinda wandered off to elaborate on evil secondary characters that are apparently running some secret operation in our world for the purposes of...well, I don't know why. Something about power among Great Houses and a Lord named after an old hardware store. But why is my CO a college girl, and how did she and her band of merry men appear in this world where giant birds drop bombs and people travel on giant airships despite only having 1940's technology? Are they actually from the future? Another dimension? Who gave her the command? Did she earn it or what? I still haven't gotten an answer to those questions before the writer decided to raise brand new ones. Kinda like that chick from Arabian Nights, but without the looming threat of death from a crazy sultan.

I tried to tell this to the men in my unit--after all, the dreams were filled with such vivid imagery that they seemed true enough--but my friends just laughed and told me to stop hitting the shisha. Apparently, those blue birds with giant talons were just Nazi planes, the college girl CO was just an effeminate guy who hadn't cut his hair in a long time, and the magical telepathic cat was just a normal mind-reading cat I ran into outside of France.

Wait a minute, how are those cats reading my mind again? Fuck it, I'm going back to the shisha.

Okay, it's a bit tricky to explain Alpha-Shade in one sitting, especially since it's reached 225 full strips and I can't link to the individual pages, but I'm gonna try to explain anyways.

So far, the story seems divided up into three parts: Part one starts off with a huge infodump, where we learn about rich mineral deposits and two great empires fighting each other over protectorates that seem to control said mineral deposits. A bit direct, but hey wars have been started over less.

Oh, and it also seems that a young woman named Laura Stone is the leader and Commander in Chief of one of these protectorates that is getting squished between this war of two great empires. She also has some magical cat named Grey. Okay, now I'm curious.

Soon enough, war breaks out, the briefing gets cut short, people die, biplanes and "Flyers" smack each other out of the sky, moments of truth are realized, and I'm in danger of using a run-on sentence to describe it. Just as we reach a climax between Laura, her cat, her wristwatch and some crazy woman on a big blue raptor/bird thing, the first part ends on a cliffhanger by abruptly switching to an archaeological dig in Peru.

Part II begins afterward with Laura the college gymnast, who bares a stark resemblance to the C-in-C from Part I. A little backstory is revealed on Laura and her troupe, a few of whom also resemble various senior officers from past pages. There's even a little fight scene about how they escaped from some guys trying to shoot them because...well, I don't know. I guess it's to set up the fact that they can fight on their own, and maybe to excuse the reasons they become the senior military staff in whatever world was mentioned in Part I.

But oh no, don't think that we'll get an explanation, because before you know it, we're already at Part III, where we see various evil or evil-ish characters running some dummy corporation in modern-day America for a reason that still hasn't quite been revealed. Apparently, traveling and adapting between the our world and whatever world comes from Part I is as easy as stepping through a magical gate. If that's true, one would be tempted to ask why the bad guys couldn't just teleport a cache of AK-47s and Uzi submachineguns or some C4 to their world. It seems they're skilled enough that no one from our intelligence agencies asks about a big freakin' raptor-bird appearing in the middle of a major coastal city or what Lord Hechinger has been leasing that huge tower for.

Currently, there's a subplot about House Shapira and how their eldest daughter was killed in action. Not quite Part IV, more like Part IIIa.

So what's the point to all of this? The writer of this story seems to have gotten so far ahead with making an epic that he seems to be tossing in new characters and other folks into the pot of established A-S canon that he's forgetting to actually tie up the original plotlines he started all the way back in the first hundred pages. Maybe there's a huge plot synopsis bible somewhere, but trying to click on any page listed under the "AS Guide" tab takes you to an unfinished character page.

Individually, these three parts could be pretty good stories on their own. But connected together, they seem to form a loose narrative that only raises more questions instead of answers. On the other hand, like Prime of Ambition, I'm sure there will be some better payoff if you stick around, but I am wary of those stories (webcomic or otherwise) that take more than 200 pages just to get to the freakin' point. Or maybe I'm just an impatient bastard.

The following is a Public Service Announcement

2008-01-10T08:30:00.000-08:00

If you have to open a package with a pocket knife, make sure the blade is facing away from you so it doesn't cut your other hand should the blade slip.

Ironically, the bullet-time moment doesn't happen until after the accident, contrary to what webcomics and some video games tell you.

Reviews will come as soon as my brain can think of what to write that doesn't sound like it was dipped in a vat of LiveJournal angst that somehow became corporeal.

Webcomic Drama: Don't Feed the Beast

2008-01-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

Finally, my winter break is over, and I'm considering getting back into the groove again, when a certain abomination catches my eye. I'm not going to link to it, because I know curiosity will get the better of you and I'll just be sending him more hits. So here, go to this forum thread to get the gist of it.

Currently, this comic is #2 most-read on DrunkDuck, despite all the wailing and the butthurt and even possible sockpuppetry found in the comments below each of its strips.

In a nutshell, this Comic-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named is taking the cliches of gamer comics (and even directly rips off Penny Arcade in one strip), and features crappily drawn characters with only one pose, sprinkled with bits of teenage homophobia. So for the both of you that read this, here's the scoop: The comic is a joke, a scam, designed to make you pissed off enough that you have to come back and watch. The creator of this comic has even set up a Cafepress shop with the characters from the strip in the hopes that some 13-year-old will be sympathetic enough to buy one of them.

Perhaps the creator is the ghost of John Solomon (dun-dun-DUNNNNN!) taking his revenge on those of you who wouldn't listen. Perhaps it's an SA goon engaging in a grand experiment of punk-ery. Perhaps it's the work of Anonymous. Perhaps it's someone who actually thinks that the number of hits they're getting directly corresponds to how funny they are (the least likely, yet worst-case scenario). I don't know, and I don't care.

You want it to stop getting attention, then stop feeding the goddamn beast. Let it sink to the depths of obscurity like most of the crap that passes through DrunkDunk and ComicGenesis. Let its only mark on history be an article on Encyclopedia Dramatica. Whatever created this comic will not easily be cowered by simple flames in its inbox, but if you take stop paying attention to it, then maybe it will choke to death on its own suck.

Review #36: Xanatos Roulette

2007-12-26T08:30:00.000-08:00

This is funny. Laugh at it. Now.

Title: Masters of the Art
~~Artist~~ Creators: Justin Pixler and Patrick Johnson
Genre: Comedy
Link: http://www.mastersoftheart.com

"To understand the complexity of this art, you must find the simple answer."

"But what is the question?" I asked

"You must find the differences in that which makes us alike."

I couldn't help but cock my eyebrow in a manner not unlike Saint Stephen Colbert in response to that non-answer.

"Dr. Haus! You have patience to diagonse!" I thought it was another non-sensical koan, until I realized it was really the voice of my receptionist boy. I mentally noted that he said "patients," not "patience."

"Where the hell have you been, doc?" The receptionist boy gasped. Apparently, he had run all the way up this mystical mountain to find me, "You know we have 20-30 people waiting to see you back down in our new office!"

"You must face your fears, in order to defeat them." The wise guy continued, "Also, the cowardly squirrel can defeat the mightiest fireman, provided he has laser vision."

"...what?"

"Also, Santa Claus is a hobo. That will be 150..."

"How much?"

"150, in Israeli Shekels and box tops, for my book of wise sayings."

I didn't want to piss off the old man, but I also didn't want to pay for a book of random new-age crap that lasted over 350 pages. So I came up with a cunning plan to trick him, consisting solely of throwing a placebo behind him and shouting, "Hey, look over there!" The animalistic growling from behind me as I ran told me that I should've thought of a better distraction.

Then I remembered another piece of advice from my youth: "When running away from a dangerous wise guy who wants you to buy his book, you don't have to be faster than him, you only need to be faster than your friend." Too bad my receptionist boy didn't learn this lesson fast enough.

Bah, I'm slipping on my narratives, but that still made a little more sense than this comic I'm now reviewing for you all.

Masters of the Art is a comic. It has characters. They do stuff.

Oh sure, the characters have names, and they have a few interesting story arcs with Santa Claus the hobo, a (medi-)evil twin, and some guy named Chef Mysterious. In fact, click here, scroll down, and look at the names of various characters. You can probably guess the various story arcs by looking at the names of the supporting cast members.

And as for the main cast members who get tossed into this insanity? About their only distinguishing feature is their hair color and the occasional pair of breasts where the artist feels like introducing a female cast member into the scene. I usually try to make some kind of effort to learn about the characters, but my eyes kinda glazed over after the 100th strip.

Kim (the red-haired girl) is a slight nymphomaniac, Reed has Super Saiyan hair, Jackson reminds me of that guy from that Full Metal Panic manga I read years ago, and there's probably more quirks I could point out among the regular cast...but really, who gives a damn? The main characters are pretty much interchangeable. The secondary cast is only marginally better, but the characters do a small turn from bland to "pick two character traits out of a hat and laugh at the result!" Witness the superhero chef character, marvel at the hippenpenguin, chuckle at the court case featuring an amazon lawyer!

Anything else? Oh yes, the artwork. It starts out as generic anime-style, but over the course of the comic it becomes a little more Western-influenced. It does a decent job, nothing too flashy and nothing that makes me want to pour bleach my eyes. Aside from the occasional emotive action scene, the art prefers to stay in its little corner, sipping a martini and occasionally stumbling out on the dance floor to perform a drunken rendition of the macarena when it feels like being more adventurous.

Go ahead and read this if you must. It doesn't cost you much and you'll probably find something to chuckle at. But do not assume that you will find much substance (comedic or storywise) within this comic...unless this is one hell of a mystical koan and the characters are soon going to turn from simple gag characters into angst-ridden wizards tasked with saving the world.

But enough about Dominic Deegan.

Happy(?) Holidays

2007-12-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

I feel I should do something special for this "holiday season." Like maybe update more than once in a fortnight like I used to.

On the other hand, let's face it: Hanukkah is long gone, Christmas is mostly over (aside from Boxing Day), and if anyone who reads this blog celebrates Kwanzaa or another holiday I forgot to mention I'll give you a cookie.

Okay, here, some winter-ish* comics for* you to enjoy.

[X-mas pics from, respectively: Fanboys, Errant Story, Misfile, The Bastard Swordsman, Two Lumps, Star Cross'd Destiny, and Badass Muthas! I take no responsibility for how much you like or hate them.]
(*possibly NSFW)

Review #35: God is a DJ

2007-12-16T09:37:00.000-08:00

[Upon further reflection, trying to review S12ORD right now would be like clubbing a baby seal. The damn thing just parodies itself as it stands. So instead, I have moved to another comic, from my "waiting room" list.

Also, kudos to the person who can guess the musical reference in the title of this post.]

Title: ~~Ratification~~ Retribution of Lambs
Artist: Jason Lai
Genre: Supernatural/Sci-fi
Updates: Randomly
Link: http://www.projectrol.com

One time, I met God on the bus. He told me the meaning of life and then he gave me a pretzel...maybe I should've written it down. But it was a good pretzel.

--Tommy Chong as Leo from That 70's Show (paraphrased)

Man, I had this whole narrative in my head about how to ratify a lamb, and then the creator had to change the name to something that makes a little more sense, thus removing an area for me to mock. So instead I offer you this quote.

Apparently, ROL (as the "cool kids" call it) has had three previous editions before the current storyline. You can read them here if you really want to, but for the sake of this review, I'm only going to focus on the current edition that has been floating around the top 10 of the Buzzcomix list.

The story starts off with God taking the form of a pink-haired girl bitching at a blue-haired guy who apparently is supposed to be the "Adam." Sure, it may seem like a biblical allegory with a twist at first (how can God's son rape God? Consider this your new koan, my dear readers), but after about 10 pages the theme mixes with some Evangelion-like sci-fi story, mentioning something about neuro-synchronization and killer "angels" and the humans (the "lambs" in ROL) who are trying to rebel against them. I'm going to assume that the "why" of this story will appear within the next 10-15 pages, but maybe I'm just a lazy and impatient bastard.

The girl Yasu bears a striking resemblance to the one calling herself God at the start of the story. The boy she ends up saving (aside from a large hole in his gut) bears a strong resemblance to the Adam. Lai has let slip in his comments that the character of God is supposed to be a slightly younger version of Yasu for reasons he hasn't explained yet.

Onto the artwork: the characters, for the most part, look flat even to my untrained artistic eye. I don't mean flat in the sense of character development, but as if you're really looking at a two-dimensional painting. Not to mention the hair colors that don't exist in the real world without a massive dye job (unless there's a reason for that). However, the latest strips have shown improvement in bringing a better perspective (literally) to the art. I hope the artist will continue improving along this route with his artwork.

If there's one thing that nags at my conscience, though, is the reveal at the first ten pages. To me, it might've been better if those pages were slapped on the end of the story instead of the beginning. Not only does it ruin some of the suspense, but the whole rant about the Adam using God or an incarnation of God as a sex toy at the beginning just feels like shock value for the sake of shock value rather than adding anything of value to the story. However, this is my opinion.

However, as it stands right now, ROL is a decent read, if only because Lai avoids falling into the trap of using his soapbox to promote or bash religion despite writing a comic rife with psuedo-religious imagery. Of course, this comic may be frustrating for those looking for a Good Guy or Bad Guy to root for.

Not-Review #35

2007-12-07T07:43:00.001-08:00

UPDATE: Yet more stupid drama.

Bah, here I was all set to rip into S12ORD, and then the comic mysteriously disappears. So, looks like I'll have to find something else to review.

Also, tonight will mark the fourth night of Chanukkah this year. Because I can't find anything better to mark this occasion, here's some consolation.

Finally, this is hilarious (or at least it seemed so at one in the morning).