Not all who wander are lost

Job and Other Happenings

2009-03-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks...not a lot to say, with everything to say at the same time. First things first...

I have a job (for at least five weeks)! I am hoping that this position will extend past the five weeks, but i'm deciding to just take things one day at a time for now. I'll be working with CAP (Christian Appalachian Project), assisting with grant writing, research, things of that nature. This will be completely new for me, so I'm terrified and excited at the same time. Since my first mission trips several years back with Sonservants, I've actually thought about the possibility of going into "rural ministry," but didn't like the thought of being isolated. So I'm excited about the potential to serve those living in these types of communities, and finding creative ways to help them. PLUS, I am learning a new skill and i will be challenged in my daily work. I haven't really been challenged in my day to day "work" since I graduated from Asbury, so I am looking forward to this. I am really hoping for the chance to be creative in empowering and serving the needs of those that CAP works for. For the past couple of months I have been working a couple of part-time jobs (babysitting and working with an assisted living facility). I've enjoyed those relationships, but thankful to have something slightly more engaging. If you think about it, please pray for this-I would really like for this to extend past this initial five week contract.

In other news, my small group (we call ourselves a "priory") has decided to grow a garden together. I know next to nothing about gardening, but it always seems like a good idea to me... I've just never had the time, motivation, or know-how to tackle such a thing. Luckily other people are taking this on, and i'll be there to help... I'm excited about the thought of growing vegetables together, and having a shared project. I think that's how people grow together best, and I'm glad to get to be a part of this.

And speaking of my priory... I'm so thankful for the folks I've found at St. Patrick's. I am living with a family from the church, and have been incredredibly blessed by the friendships there. I've longed for ways to figure out intentional community for a long time, and I feel like I'm starting to see some of this played out. It's far from perfect, but I am so glad to be around like-minded people who possess both passion and boundaries. This is a good time in life-still healing from a somewhat tumultuous summer and fall, and feeling held by God and the people around me.

Happy Lent

2009-02-26T11:48:00.001-08:00

As of yesterday, we entered into the season of Lent, the 40 days that lead up to Easter Sunday. There have been some years where I've been really conscientious about observing Lent, and others where it has slipped by me. Since I'm now at an Anglican church, I think that it would be near impossible for this to slip by me, and I see that as a good thing. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, and was also the first day I prayed this prayer out of the prayer book:

Almighty and everlasting God,
you hate nothing that you have made
and forgive the sins of all those who are penitent:
create and make in us new and contrite hearts
that we, worthily lamenting our sins
and acknowledging our wretchedness,
may receive from you, the God of all mercy,
perfect remission and forgiveness;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I have now prayed this prayer a few times, and I find it moving, beautiful and piercing. I think Lent can be scary- we are called to remember that we are "but dust, and to dust we shall return." We're also called to take an inventory of our lives, to be penitent, contrite, repentent. We're called to remember our frailty as humans...hmm. Not always an upper. Understanding what it means to have a "contrite heart" is sometimes confusing, and it can easily be mistaken with self-loathing. However, I'm reminded through the words of this prayer that "God hates nothing He has made." We are called to be penitent and repentent not because God wants us to be sad, but in order to be closer to God and to become more like Him. We are called to let go of our sins so that we can more easily understand the fullness of God's love. When we hold on to sins, vices, and idols, we are blinded and kept from understanding the full, majestic, all-encompassing nature of God's love for us. As a parent keeps a child from making bad decisions and ushering the child into healthy behaviors, how much more does God do that for us? As we embrace lenten practices, may we understand how giving the things of this world up draw us closer to the Father's heart.

Ice and Hospitality

2009-01-29T13:08:00.000-08:00

What a crazy week this has been! Here in the bluegrass we've been hit with an icestorm and the majority of folks I know are without power (yours truly included). So for the past two days my friend Jeana has been gracious to let me hang out with her. When I take a look outside, it's absolutely beautiful...the way the white light catches on the bare trees-it's peaceful, serene. but with that peace comes headaches... no power, no heat, the hour it took me to scrape off my car, the multiple times i've gotten stuck. hmm. but it is really quite beautiful.

Yesterday, while a bit frustrating, was a really great day. I had two different people call me to see if I was OK within about 10 minutes of each other. At first I was determined to stay in my house...i thought for sure it wouldn't be that bad. However, after a little coercing I realized I should take these folks up on their offers. It was beautiful to me yesterday to see these folks from my church community all calling to check on one another. Such a simple act. But I felt loved. Cared for. And yesterday and last night turned out to be a really fun night... Jeana cooked lunch AND dinner for me, we watched a chic flick, Hannah brought us dessert, Raven and Donnie stopped in to say hi, and then we played bananagrams. Definitely not a bad way to spend a cold night!

Ironically, as I have found myself on the receiving end of some very loving hospitality this week, I have been reading a book on the very subject. It is written from the benedictine view of what Christian hospitality is meant to look like, and it is a very, very good read.

A quote from the introduction: "By accepting someone, we do what seems to be a small, ordinary thing. A single act would seem to be small anyway, but little acts of giving, one upon another, pile up to create a huge force capable of repelling darkness and transforming the world. A friendly conversation with a stranger at a bus stop can be the embodiment of hospitality. When we accept a human being, we are fostering the kind of hospitality that will change everything. When we build a life of acceptance, we build a new kind of kingdom among us." (-Radical Hospitality, Daniel Homan and Lonni Collins Pratt)

Being genuinely kind to others and making space for them is what hospitality is about. Seeking to see the presence of God in those who interact in our lives is the essence of this word. When we find ways to reach out, we offer hope. By engaging in true, Christian, Spirit-filled hospitality, we remind each other what Jesus looks like. As Homan and Pratt shared, when we seek to make space for others in our lives, we aren't just being nice, but we are seeking to repel the darkness of this world.

Advent

2008-12-03T18:13:00.001-08:00

I love advent. I normally get somewhat annoyed with typical Christmas-type things- feeling the pressure of finding gifts for those I love, way too many people at stores and in parking lots, feeling busy when I would like quiet. But when I do give myself the permission to really focus on Advent...wow, what a beautiful picture.

I love that the season of Advent reminds us to stop. wait. listen. prepare. anticipate. We wait with longing hearts for the Savior, and we remember what it means that Christ has come. In the darkness of this world, of our personal lives, and even our own hearts, we remember that One has come to pierce the darkness with the brightest light possible. It is in waiting, in being quiet, that we understand ourselves, our need for Christ, and what it is that God has done for His people.

I think that Advent might be particularly significant for me this year, as I've been in a season of waiting for a few months. For multiple reasons, my life has been a rollercoaster for a while now. I graduated from Asbury and am still looking for a job. My season of being in school is over and I'm still trying to answer that "what's next" question. I don't know the answer. Other things in my life changed earlier this fall (in ways that I did not expect, but the change was necessary), and I am still processing through a lot of it. There are many ways in which I tend to be a perfectionist, and I've put pressure on myself to have it all figured out.

As I've entered into Advent, I've realized that it is ok to wait. It is ok to not have life figured out, and it is ok to not always be happy. It is ok to need other people and to need God. In fact, it's necessary as a Christian disciple to need others and God.

So I wait in joyful anticipation, in more ways that one.

What's The Problem?

2008-11-02T19:36:00.001-08:00

My friend Erin and I have been throwing around the idea of starting a non profit for the past year or so. We want to start said non profit to help impact the lives of middle school and high school girls who struggle with self esteem. We're nowhere near being able to launch anything, but we're trying to research the situation. And from my own experience (both with my own personal story, with the stories of my female friends, women I run across, and young girls I happen to know currently), low self esteem is crippling. At times it certainly has been true in my own life.

As Erin and I have talked about what we feel called to do, we've started asking the question, "So what's the problem?" What's the REAL problem here? Is it that young women aren't empowered or don't have enough role models? Is it that most grown women still aren't able to walk with healthy amounts of self esteem? Is it pressure from society to just be too many things? Is it that we have an inability to truly believe that the God of the universe loves us and believes in us? I certainly have my thoughts, but they're still jumbled. I just know that I hate how I sometimes see myself, and the struggles I see most girls and women battling in this area.

And what is it that self-esteem does to us? I believe that it cripples us, and it keeps us from being the best versions of ourselves. It keeps us from being who God truly desires us to be. God is not honored when we deprecate His creation...whether that be a towering redwood, a brilliant flower, the elderly woman next door, or myself. By honoring God's creation...ALL of His creation, I am able to praise the God who so lovingly created me.

I often wonder if part of the problem is in really, really messed up standards. I have been reading through the book of 1 John recently, and today's passage hit me hard, especially as I think about how I often enter into the practice of self-loathing:

"Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world, you show that do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only the lust for physical pleasure, the lust for everything we see, and pride in our possessions. These are not from the Father. They are from this evil world. And this world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever." (1 John 1: 15-17)

The standards we see on TV, in the media, from peers shares a standard that tells individuals that in order to be loved and accepted we must look a certain way, have a specific body type, and present a certain image of ourselves. I have been reminded all day of the power of refusing to give in to this... to seek the things of God's Kingdom, and not of this world. As I think about how to respond to my own areas of feeling insufficient, and in turn, of how to best love others struggling with honoring the beauty of their own creation, I am reminded that God has standards, beauty, and desires that are completely contrary to what this fallen world offers.

So often the "easy" thing is to find our identity in the people around us, our immediate community, or the culture at large. Those things tell us right away if we are beautiful or not, if we are right or wrong, if what we present is acceptable. However, this passage tells us that we simply cannot trust the things of this world (even if that might be the easy thing to do). We are called, instead, to identify with God and His values... very different from what the culture around us has to offer.

Roots and New Directions

2008-09-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have started attending a new church. This particular faith community is an anglican church, and I've found that I like it a lot. After the first week, I wasn't sure if i'd come back. But then I did return, and now I'm excited to return today. My initial hesitations were multiple, but one was because it is, in fact, anglican. As someone who grew up in a very small Episcopalian church and experienced the ritual of liturgy every Sunday of my life for 18+ years, I never expected to willingly return to this setting. My formative years weren't bad, just devoid of understanding the transforming power of Jesus Christ. I was loved by many surrogate grandparents, but left without an understanding of why it was so important that we did what we did.

And now, here I am. Sitting among a small, anglican worship gathering repeating the same exact liturgy that I did as my 8-year old self. Part of me wants to run far, but most of me feels like something is getting connected. The dots in my 12-year old brain are suddenly connecting to the passions of my 30-year old persona. It's a bit like coming home in a way, but in a new, "ahh, i get it now" kind of way. In a fuller, more complete way.

I'm an Aunt!

2008-08-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say congrats to my brother and sister-in-law... their son (and my nephew!) is now here among us! He was born yesterday (August 5th) at 7:53 p.m. Apparently a long labor, but everyone is healthy. To my nephew, your Aunt Maggie is very excited to meet you! And to Randall and Melissa... congratulations!

At Long Last

2008-08-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

At long last, I am returning to the blogging world. Countless times since April I have logged in to my account and started to write a post, only to have been struck with insane writer's block. And that has been frustrating, because I have had much to say, but have not known how to articulate myself. But alas, at long last, here I am again. So, for the two people who read this, I am back in all my glory.

Since it's been so long, I'll just give an update on my recent state of being.

CPE. I have been spending my weeks doing my CPE. For those who don't know what this is, it's basically an internship. Yes, this summer I've had the privilege of paying to work. awesome, right? Actually, it's been a good experience for the most part-better than I had prepared myself for. I had many, many people telling me how horrendous this experience would be. The worst part really was needing to wake up much earlier than I would like once a week, and needing to reflect about EVERY SINGLE PART of my life for 9 straight hours on Mondays. However, I will say that God answered my prayers and gave me a really great group of folks to be with. In addition, i prayed a lot that this would be a good, life-giving experience, and I am walking away feeling encouraged. Thanks, God. You are always faithful! Next Monday will be my last class, and I am ready to be done, but thankful for a good experience.
In addition to the class aspect of CPE, I have been working about 20-25 hours a week with the church. I've been working with the youth ministry and have been visiting our homebound church members. Both projects have been really amazing...we've had lunch for our kids at the church twice a week, which has been super cool. We eat food (donated to us by God's Pantry!), we have a short devotional time, and then play kickball. It's been such a sweet time just to BE with the kids. Our kids have grown closer to each other, the leaders, and to God. and just by being together. We haven't put on a flashy program... we're just offering a time to be together. simple, but profound. when we are together, we pray. we eat. we play. we laugh. sometimes the kids get mad. sometimes i get frustrated. but i believe through this that we are being what the Church is meant to be. and we've seen fruit....again, thanks God for your amazing faithfulness for our meager efforts!
And homebound visits.... amazing. I've learned so much, and met some of the most incredibly devoted followers of Christ. Most of these folks have been members of the church for 50 years or more...have been there through thick and thin. I've gotten to hear stories, bring communion, offer prayers, and get to know some saintly people. I've found out more about the church from these conversations in just a couple of months than in the three years I've been there.

Aunthood. Melissa's water broke today.... and I will soon have the joy of offically being an aunt. I can't wait to meet my nephew... we've waited so long to meet this little guy. I hope he likes us, because we're all pretty pumped about him. And melissa is amazing... doing a completely natural birth at home. What a rockstar.

"What are you doing next?" I am beginning to loathe this question. My free time is spent job searching, and I don't know where I'll be, and it's scary. Plain and simple. I am hoping to be involved with an amazing ministry somewhere, but not sure where that is yet. So, if you are reading... pray for this job search. There are times that I'm excited about what's next, and times that I am just plain clueless and scared. But I'm trusting that God has something amazing... and trusting that God will use me for crazy and lifechanging things.

Free time. I have recently been introduced to the joy that is Anne of Green Gables. Simply thrilling and simple. And I am loving reading a book that I picked out on my own... something that is not about theology... and i think, "how did i NOT read this as a child?"

that is all.

Just Have Faith!

2008-04-10T14:36:00.001-07:00

i've been thinking a lot recently about what it means to 'have' faith. we talk about faith and the Christian experience in very possessive terms, and i wonder if this is correct. perhaps in some ways it is. but if we're not careful, our faith becomes only about 'me,' and how i feel, what i feel God calling me to do, and we forget to think about others in relationship to faith. and that's funny... because the whole nature of who Jesus was had to do with self-sacrifice, and of serving others. He was brought into this world and left it in the must humble ways possible...humility for the sake of humanity. and so i struggle with some notions of what 'having faith' means. For instance, a phrase that is commonly used in evangelism is "accepting" or "receiving" Jesus. i really don't like these terms, mostly because i don't really know what that means. it sort of conjures up this image of God as a magic pill, and i think that's extremely dangerous territory to be walking on. it also leads to the notion that God is to be molded to us, instead of vice versa. shouldn't our language be more about deciding to follow our Creator, instead of Him following us? just a thought.

i'm reading through Hosea with my sunday school class. as we read through hosea 1, we started talking about the notion that the Lord was asking Hosea to do some pretty ridiculous things. Marry a prostitute, love her, name the kids after things like 'vengeance' and 'not my people.' (i'm wondering what my brother is going to name my nephew... i really hope those aren't on the list...). one conversation we had last week stuck with me... that God was not speaking to Hosea for Hosea's benefit, but for the benefit of the people of Israel. God is about the edification of the Church, and not just me. how does this play out as we live our lives in a society that tells us to think about me, and me alone? even in our lives of faith, i think it's still an easy temptation to think about what God wants me to do, instead of how my actions will affect the whole.

Ebb and Flow

2008-03-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

It has been difficult for me to think of things to write about as of late, and I'm not sure why. I normally enjoy the process of getting to write, to share, to think about myself and the things that happen around me. but it's been difficult these past few months. i guess some seasons are just like that...

i'm in a strange season of life. in the next few months, i will graduate from seminary, turn 30, and become an aunt. in some ways, it is surreal that all three of these things will be taking place. on graduating from seminary: i struggled a bit in high school, and in some ways wrestled with just feeling ordinary. i think, at the back of my mind, i wondered if i would be able to even graduate from college. it was difficult to view myself as a leader, or as someone who had important things to say. however, there's a rumbling and a passion in my soul that is real, many times undefined. and here i stand. in addition, seminary has been.... hmmm. i don't know the word for it. i arrived at asbury a very broken person, hurt and wounded, and a lot of healing has taken place. it's strange for this journey to be almost over.
on turning 30: personally, i would like to know why this birthday is normally such a big deal. i think it's definitely cultural. perhaps it helps that most people still think i'm 23, and i have yet to meet someone who isn't shocked when i tell them my actual age. i don't know that anything will actually change in me, but it's strange to think back to when i was younger, and realizing that 30 sounded mature, settled, "adult." i think i thought i would be married by this point, have a career, be "figured out." maybe i'll never be completely figured out, but maybe parts of me will. i have a feeling that i'll always be young at heart, and i'll always giggle. at least, i hope that i will always be like that.
on becoming an aunt: i don't know how to articulate how excited i am about this. first of all, my brother is one of the people i love most in this world, and i love that he is having a child (it's taken a while for him and his wife), and i know he'll be the world's greatest dad. i'm excited to see him as a parent. and i'm around kids so much... i'm really pumped to be around someone that is in some way part of me, part of my bloodline, not just someone else's kid. it's surreal in some ways, but i am so excited to meet my nephew. i've been praying for him and i can't wait for him to make his entrance into this world.

i guess it makes sense that i haven't known what to write about... those are a lot of things happening at once. i suppose it's hard to adequately process a few life changes all at the same time.

For Laura

2008-02-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

I wasn't really under the impression that anyone still read this, but I was proven wrong the other night, and Laura tells me it's time to update. and she's right.

Normally I try to update much more frequently than I have been, but for some reason, i've had major writer's block regarding this puppy. not that i haven't had a lot on my mind or lots going on, because i have, but i think it's been hard, recently, to process through all that's going on. so we'll see what comes out here.

Recent Snippets

today was a crazy day. CRAZY. and because this is a public forum, i don't feel like it would be right to go into all the details since the craziness involves others. as insane as tonight was, i was humbled and honored that i was able to serve and be with some dear friends during a moment of crisis.

it's hard to articulate all that's been on my mind as of late... no big things, but many small things simmering in my mind and attempting to put words to those things feels trite, so i won't. however, i will share that i'm where i'm supposed to be.

i think it took me about a semester to settle into my niche and my groove of living in the '05. i think i finally feel comfortable, i am finally able to internalize that there are some people here who love me and are very much so family for me. there are many, many moments where i am frustrated and mad, and many others where i know that this is what God has for me right now. and as i think about the future, this whole graduation deal, i realize that i'm pretty sure that God is calling me to stay in lexington after may. i could be very wrong, but it doesn't feel like it's time to leave. i feel like i've just gotten settled here, and that there are many roots to still dig down deep here. i'm starting to figure out what it means to welcome people into my house, to show hospitality. i'm starting to understand the unique things that i bring to the table. i'm re-learning how to see God and how it is He desires for me to live this life and treat other people. i'm learning...

one day, a few weeks back, i was hanging out with laura and jason. we were lamenting about various stresses, but then all of a sudden the tone of our conversation shifted. we started to realize that our life is pretty good. we've got this incredible group of people around us, and we get to be involved in the lives of some pretty colorful people on a regular basis. i eventually said, "you know, our life is really pretty cool at the moment. as stressful as it is, this is a pretty good deal." i eat dinner with other people most nights of the week, i pray and talk about scripture with several different people, i get to laugh a lot, i have the joy of journeying with an incredibly diverse group of folks.

not bad at all.

Advent 2: What's in a name?

2007-12-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

I have decided to start reading through the book of Matthew, mostly so that I can wrap my mind around the meaning of the incarnation this Christmas season. I was reading the first chapter of Matthew today, and I was struck by a thought.

23 “Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’”

This verse is a reference to the prophecy in Isaiah... and i'm stunned that i haven't thought deeply about this before. The text doesn't really give Mary and Joseph's reaction to the statement "God is with us," but I'm wondering about how incredible that had to be. After generations of being promised a Messiah to save them, they are now being told that one is coming, and this one is God. All of their hopes are realized... how beautiful! This is the very thing they have been waiting for... for years and years and years! This is what their culture has been waiting for.... and all in one statement.... all in one definition of a name... they are told that God would finally be personally with them. He had not abandoned them... He would be with them. Was it hope that this evoked? Fear? A newfound hope? Excitement? And add to the fact that God would be personally with them that He would come through a common girl through an impossible conception.

Rejoice, community, for God is with us.

Advent

2007-12-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

This morning in church we sang one of my favorite Christmas songs... actually, it's more of an 'advent' songs, but still, i love it. It reminds me of the power of waiting and listening for God, of standing in faith that He is coming, that He will redeem. It is a song of knowing that even when life looks its bleakest, hope is waiting. It is a song that reminds me that the powers of sin and destruction do not have the last word... the power of the Cross is the final reality for those of us who believe... and this waiting in anticipation is what advent holds for us. May you be blessed as you wait on the active power of God this advent season!

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel,And ransom captive Israel,That mourns in lonely exile hereUntil the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice!Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,Who orderest all things mightily;To us the path of knowledge show,And teach us in her ways to go.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, freeThine own from Satan’s tyranny;From depths of hell Thy people save,And give them victory over the grave.

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheerOur spirits by Thine advent here;Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,And death’s dark shadows put to flight.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,And open wide our heavenly home;Make safe the way that leads on high,And close the path to misery.

O come, O come, great Lord of might,Who to Thy tribes on Sinai’s heightIn ancient times once gave the lawIn cloud and majesty and awe.

O come, Thou Root of Jesse’s tree,An ensign of Thy people be;Before Thee rulers silent fall;All peoples on Thy mercy call.

O come, Desire of nations, bindIn one the hearts of all mankind;Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,And be Thyself our King of Peace.

They're not joking, folks

2007-12-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

Do you ever notice those signs in parking lots that say, "only patrons of this business may park here... all others towed at owner's expense?" do you ever wonder if those signs are serious?

may all your wondering days be ever. they are, indeed, serious. need i say more about how i spent my morning?

sigh.

Snapshots

2007-12-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about a lot of things these past few weeks, so this post will be a random collection of snapshots from my brain.

This semester has provided me with a lot of things to process through. It hasn't been my most difficult academically, but emotionally, there's been a lot to deal with. But in a good way. Some things from my past have re-surfaced, and God is showing me new ways of processing these things. It is amazing to me the people that God has brought into my life to help me see myself a little more objectively.... from good friends to professors to a community. There's been a lot of pruning that i'm in the midst of, and i feel like i am seeing the deep love of God in the midst of it all. In the middle of this, I had a professor suggest to me that I am afraid of my own sadness of some areas of my past, but that allowing myself to mourn the areas I need to mourn may actually provide healing from past wounds. I think he might be on to something.

In Doctrine we've been talking a lot about being under the power of the blood of Christ... that this is the power to save us. Those of us who profess faith in Christ, and in His life, death and resurrection no longer have to feel shame. I have been so reminded this week of this power... that I am empowered to leave all those areas where I feel shame, as the power in my life is no longer hiding behind sin, but in the wings of the Father, under the power of the resurrection of Jesus. Shame does a lot of terrible things to us, and this is most certainly not where God desires for His children to live.

This is the first year i've put up a Christmas tree in my house, and i'm so excited about it! I think that part of it is that this is the first time that i've felt like this is my house. We decorated the other night, and i like our little (and i do mean little) tree. It was fun to be festive. you can see pictures of the silliness on my facebook page.

Speaking of Christmas, this has been a good semester in terms of really, truly thinking about the power and the beauty of the incarnation. That's why i both love and hate this season. I love it because it's such an incredible reminder of God's power and God's love for His people. I hate it because of all the ways that the Christ message gets messed up in our culture. I pray that I am not a vehicle for messing it up.....may we live into the beauty that is the message of the hope of Christ coming into this world.

Gratitude

2007-11-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks were probably my most school work-heavy of the semester, which certainly aided in feeling slightly burdened. Paired with a few other stressful things going on, it's been crazy. But not impossible. when I am feeling like this, i realize the importance and power of gratitude and of simply remembering that I am not in control. Power and control... it's funny. i want those things and i don't want them at the same time. i don't want to have to make the hard decisions, but i want to influence people, and i long to be important to others. My guess is that this is part of the human condition... learning that power feels nice, but it can be incredibly destructive and soul-eating, and that power ultimately belongs to God. I've been reminded this week of the need to just be willing to submit, to lay down my need for "knowing" at the foot of the cross. I'm reminded over and over again that the beginning of humility is gratitude, and so i like to occassionally reflect on why it is that I'm thankful to God. Here is my latest prayer of gratitude, written a couple of weeks ago....

Help me to understand how You are active in my life-help me to recognize Your love for me..help me to never pass it up or ignore the power of Your love and sacrifice! and today, i also thank you for...your death on the cross-for a Church family-for friends who are near-for my own family-for the ability to read and think-for the power of encouragement-for provision-for constructive criticism-for allowing me to learn-for games-for laughter-for prayer-for children-for the beauty of fall colors-for so many who care for me-for the journey you've given me-for growth-for tears-for hugs-for Your Word-for the ability to talk and think-for sleep-for feelings-for love-for passion-for warm blankets-for silence-for music-for sunshine-for mountains-for words-for warm sweatshirts-for community-for being able to join with You in communion-for the power and beauty of the incarnation-for Your ultimate sacrifice-for taking on the powers of death and hell so that i might have life-for medicine-for epiphanies-for soup-for warm socks-for being able to snuggle in a warm blanket-for the beauty of joining with other souls-for chocolate-for candles-for baseball.

Thank You for life. Thank You for You. You are life.

Amen.

A Taste of Grace

2007-11-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

This past week has been hard... i've been overwhelmed by a collection of things, and i've been in a funk. It's days like today that i'm grateful for the words below... this is a song we occassionally sing at church, and it has become one of my favorite songs. Typically, when i am feeling like this, I find it hard to remember God's grace and what i remember is my failure and my own short-comings. I think that's why i love this song: God has redeemed me, so i have the confidence to arise, even when what i feel is shame. so beautiful.

Arise, My Soul, Arise
Charles Wesley

1. Arise, my soul, arise, shake off your guilty fears; The bleeding sacrifice, in my behalf appears; Before the throne my Surety stands, Before the throne my Surety stands, My name is written on His hands.

Chorus: Arise (arise), arise (arise), ariseArise, my soul, arise. Arise (arise), arise (arise), arise Arise, my soul, arise. Shake off your guilty fears and rise

2. He ever lives above, for me to intercede; His all redeeming love, His precious blood, to plead; His blood atoned for every race, His blood atoned for every race, And sprinkles now the throne of grace.

3. Five bleeding wounds He bears;received on Calvary;They pour effectual prayers; they strongly plead for me:"Forgive him, O forgive," they cry,"Forgive him, O forgive," they cry,"Nor let that ransomed sinner die!"

4. The Father hears Him pray, His dear anointed One;He cannot turn away the presence of His Son; The Spirit answers to the blood,The Spirit answers to the bloodAnd tells me I am born of God.

5. My God is reconciled;His pardoning voice I hear; He owns me for His child; I can no longer fear With confidence I now draw nigh, With confidence I now draw nigh, And "Father, Abba, Father," cry.

Sweet Innocence

2007-11-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

So, I'm babysitting the other night. I'm making dinner for the boys and they are playing in the other room. I bring Joe the corn i had just made for him and start to dish it onto his plate. He looks up at me with his sweet, innocent, 5-year old eyes and says, "what the hell is that?"

i tried really hard to discipline him and explain that that was not a word that was ok to use, but i was laughing too hard to be effective. then i tell his father (aaron, and my friend and pastor) what has just happened. he doubles over in laughter and says, "i just don't know where they get this stuff!"

i just look at him and say, "are you seriously asking this question? i know exactly where they get this." and then i just look at him.

from the mouths of babes.

Another Great Weekend

2007-10-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

This was another great weekend. I went to the Red River Gorge with the youth group from La Roca. It was an amazing trip, for so many reasons. I almost didn't go, and i can't articulate how glad i am that i went. hiking, talking, silence, praying, worshiping, game-playing, lots of silliness and laughter and most of all-being together. It was a great reminder that I really, really love these kids. Some days i'm drained and wonder what it is i have to offer them... but I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.

and what's important to remember is that La Roca is far from your typical youth group. Some of our kids have been kicked out of their schools. Most of them rarely hear affirmation at home. What most people probably see in these kids is the rough edges (and trust me, those rough edges are there)... but this is a group of kids that is chock full of quirkiness, love, opinions and leadership. it's our job to steer them. i love getting to have a small part in this journey.

we had this time of affirmation for all of us on saturday night, and it was incredible thing. and i can remember thinking, "ALL of these kids have so much to offer." and then sunday morning, we all sat crowded together in one row... and i loved it. i loved not having enough space, with my arm around michelle... nudging her to wake up every few minutes. I loved how proud I was of Chance and Michelle for sharing with the church about the retreat. I loved feeling like my heart would burst for this crazy group of middle school and high school students.

And i love that this is not typical youth ministry. I love that it's not a group of suburban kids who have grown up in church. I love the realness and rawness... because that makes seeing the good in these kids that much sweeter. Even though they've got so many battles to fight, they are slowly learning that they have a church family who loves them, and a God who fights for them.

Change is a-comin'

2007-10-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am driving south on Interstate 75... getting away for the weekend to see a dear friend... one who has been with me through a lot. It feels good to get away for a few days, not because I don't like my life, but because we all need little breaks once in a while. And i am feeling good about seeing someone who knows me well. I'm driving through the mountains and multiple radio stations turn to just one country station to no radio station at all. Then I remember that I have a used portable CD player in the trunk... i manage to get it out and find whatever CD's are floating around in the back of my car. I pop in some Josh Bales, who I love, but who I have not listened to in a long time. At about this time I'm driving into Chattanooga, and a tidal wave of emotions hit me. I'm reminded of the summer I worked in Chattanooga at Widow's Harvest, when I would listen to this very CD almost every day. And i'm suddenly reminded of the loneliness of those three months, and of the sadness I felt, and of how helpless I felt in dealing with everything. I'm reminded of how I just can't figure out how to articulate what I feel... and that no one seems to get it. At the same time, I'm thankful. So thankful. Because i know that this is not who I am anymore. I know that I have people who love me, and I'm learning to not blame others for my junk. I'm learning not let loneliness and sadness swallow me up anymore. I'm learning to let hope break into my heart.

I'm still driving down I-75, into Atlanta. I spend time with Erin.... one who has seen both deep pain and deep joy in my life. But even as I'm in Atlanta, I'm reminded of this painful season of my life. And again, I'm reminded of how God has changed and transformed me. and i'm thankful.

And i'm reminded that God is continuously changing me, transforming me, loving me, trading the bad for the good. It's so refreshing to be able to concretely see how God is making me confident in who He has created me to be.

The Little Things

2007-10-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

exciting things this week:

the addition of an original nintendo game system to our house (thanks chelsea!)
knowing that i get to go on a road trip this weekend to see a good friend
the convenience of having a washer and dryer in my own house
good conversations with friends i love while drinking yumminess!
getting to pray with others
getting to go on walks around my neighborhood, and having extra time this week to do that
the joy of no longer having to read a book by Bill Hybels
being able to finally wear long-sleeved t-shirts and hoodies

First Dinner

2007-10-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

Last night was our first neighborhood dinner, and i think it went well! We had a good crowd of folks there, and I managed to talk my new neighbor, Ann, and her granddaughter into joining us. I was really glad they came, and I'm looking forward to getting to know them. Samantha and her brothers joined us, along with Chance, so we had a full house. It was a cool thing to look around Aaron's house and see people i knew and didn't know, and have the chance to eat, laugh and talk together. jordan playing with the kids in the living room....talking about the neighborhood and the church....getting to share our stories together......i'm really glad that this is how i get to spend my time.

and then, this morning, Ann's granddaughter knocks on our door at 7. she missed her bus and wanted to know if i could take her to school. that was a cool moment, for so many reasons....life together... it's a cool deal.

in other happenings, i am not really looking forward to this week.... only because of lots of schoolwork! a big midterm due on wednesday, but i'm plugging through because at the end of the week i'm headed to atlanta to see one of my favorite people in the world-my old roommate erin. so i'm pretty pumped about that. i'm really excited about a weekend away with a good friend. it's been an up and down week, but one filled with so many examples of God's faithfulness... encouragement just when i've needed it most.... reminders of how God has created me and called me.

Righteous Anger

2007-09-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have had an absurd number of conversations with women this week who do not understand what beautiful creations they are. Some of these conversations have started as the result of hearing about terrible things that have been done to some of the most amazing women i've met.... abuse given by people that we should be able to trust. and something i've heard come from the mouths of each of these women.... a thought that part of this must be their fault, that they could have stopped it. and it is at this point that i want to both yell and cry. we do terrible things with power, and i've heard some of those stories this week. it's sickening.

at the same time, i've been reading Mary Pipher's book Reviving Ophelia. She talks about what happens to most girls in pre-adolescence... about how most girls find that they can't truly be themselves and be accepted. They find that they must choose one or the other. This makes me so, so sad. It makes me sad because i relate. It makes me sad because i look around at so many of the beautiful girls and women in my life and I know this has taken place in their hearts. And it makes me wonder what the church's role is in all this... as a community of faith, what is it that we can do to let girls know that we deeply accept their true selves? How do we communicate that God made their true selves and accepts them?

It makes me realize that THIS is the task of community. To let each other know that we do not merely accept a figment of one's persona, but that we accept the true versions of ourselves, because that is what God does for us.

In the beginning of Pipher's book she says something to the effect of, "It takes a village to raise a child. Most girls don't have a village." I don't want to just be angry and sad about this statement-I want to work to change this, because this is NOT how God wants His people to live.

There is a much better way waiting to be found.

Insomnia

2007-09-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

it is nearing 2 in the morning, and i cannot sleep. i would like to be asleep, because i need to be up in about 6 hours. so much is on my mind. a conversation i had earlier tonight. a conversation i need to have tomorrow. needing to confess. needing to confront. my own shortcomings. new friends. the beauty and pain of community life. attempting to trust God with so many unknowns. trying to be sure of who i am. living into the beauty and grace of God. wrapping my head around the mystery of the plans of God. trying to find balance in my life. why chocolate exudes such joy. you know...the normal stuff.

Speaking Life

2007-09-16T15:05:00.001-07:00

"To always be relevant, you must only say that which is eternal."

-Simone Weil

this makes me stop dead in my tracks.... i definitely say a lot that is not eternal.