The Aristocrats

the conservative lament: healthcare reform is every bad thing that has ever happened and President Obama is every bad person who has ever lived

2009-11-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

remember when you were a baby and a big ugly girl you didn't know was taking care of you and you pooped your diaper and cried to get changed but the girl just shoved your binky in your mouth and left the room and then you could hear the TV and also you could hear the girl in the kitchen opening the refrigerator and you cried some more but she didn't come back? healthcare reform is your diaper full of poop and Obama is that big ugly girl you didn't know. see.

remember when you were a kid and your Mom gave your brother a double popsicle and told him to split it and to give half to you and when he split it the part beyond the sticks didn't split but stayed on one side and your brother kept that big side and gave you the little 'half' and you cried but your brother was older and bigger than you and said "tough titty" and then you went to your Mom and she hollered at your brother but she was too busy to make him fix it and so he got away with it? that popsicle is healthcare reform and Obama is your prick brother. see.

remember in junior high school when there was a rumor that the girl you liked to think of as your girlfriend had been drinking at a party and making out with several guys you didn't like and one of them said that he got to inside the shirt inside the bra with her and you confronted your 'girlfriend' about it and she told you to grow up and also to piss off? her disloyal boobs are healthcare reform and Obama is the guy who had his hands on them. see.

remember when you bought a used car from a guy in another town and two weeks later the car broke down and required repairs that cost more than the purchase price and you didn't have the money and you called the guy and he said he would think about maybe going half on the repairs but then he never called you back and when you called him back he was always 'not home' and you left your number but he still never called and you thought about all the ways you would get back at him but you never did any of them and eventually you fixed the car yourself but it was never quite right? that car is healthcare reform and Obama is the guy from another town. see.
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Daffy Duck Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T16:22:00.000-08:00

I'm Thankful for the Funny People

2009-11-26T08:02:00.000-08:00

Gag stolen fromSandy Underpants , one of the funniest persons around.

I'm starting up a new Zencomix feature called "Lead Free Comix". Basically, it is going to be a cartoon jam, sketching with pens, no pencils allowed. Crowquill quickies. I want to do a Zappadan comic in this style.

I'll continue the Grill Rats comix, but I also want to put one shot cartoons out there that aren't necessarily part of a story. I don't want to invest a lot of time into backgrounds, character developement, etc. I think illustrating other people's funny comments would fit perfectly into the spirit of Lead Free Comix . If I use your comment, I'll attribute, and slap a "copyright you" on the toon, unless you would rather I didn't use your words, then I won't use them. What do people think?

happy day everyone

2009-11-26T06:30:00.000-08:00

Idea

2009-11-25T16:36:00.001-08:00

Hey! - Let's all stick corncobs up our ass and march around the White House, stiff-legged, butt stuck way up in the air, white as can be, with signs that say "9/13 - yo' mama!" and "Where is Reagans Death Certificate?" We'll call ourselves the "cornholers" and we're gonna take back America from the Russians who crossed the Bering Straits while Palin was out signing books.

Tips for the holiday: how to mix a drink in your mouth plus a Happy Thanksgiving Nipple

2009-11-25T11:46:00.000-08:00

official RNC release: 10 Rules for Republican Leaders

2009-11-25T09:01:00.000-08:00

1. no office holder may be smarter than any constituent, and if by some fluke you are, no one kan be alood to fine dout

2. life begins at the boner, all sperm is sacred. ship any accidental releases to Half a Snowflake Baby Center, Colorado Springs, Colorado

3. no gay shit, no dick suckin' no butt fuckin' no under the table hand jobs, zero tolerance (wink, wink)

4. must at minimum, maim or paralyze a brown-skinned democrat to make your bones. this is to be a personal hit, witnessed by a made member.

5. must denounce rationality and evidence, and do it in such a way so that your statement itself makes no sense(see Sarah's Collected Works for pointers). go ahead and have some fun with this one

6. must be rich (Boehner's tanning consultant level or better)

7. must lie continuously. lie about what time it is, lie about the color of your shirt, lie about lying, lie about lying about lying ...see where this is going?

8. pharmaceuticals are phine, just don't get caught without a script, see Dr. Vinnie or Dr. Frank

9. must kiss Rush Limbaugh's big white ass on the 50 yard line at the Rose Bowl with your family in the stands cheering, or the equivalent. see Cantor for permitted substitutions, Beck's big white ass/Super Bowl, etc.

10. every sentence you say or write for public consumption must contain some form of one of the following phrases: 'God loves tax cuts' or 'war is a splendid thing, sayeth God' or 'God hates the liberal media' or 'God forgives thieving whoring Republicans'. you see the pattern, something good for us, out of God's mouth. Republican Christian God.
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2009-11-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

is there anyone in punditville more naive than Kevin Drum?

2009-11-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

Die WAPO Die HOORAY!

oh my god, now I see the nefariousness of this. wapo has discovered that they can get people to post and follow their links if they print articles describing their own demise. not so good for the long view, but a very crafty short term strategy; I reluctantly tip my hat to them.

2009-11-24T16:11:00.000-08:00

wingnut crackpot fools everyone by pretending to be wingnut crackpot with a mustache

"he got us good," said the Which Moron is That Again? Press

"and the whole time I was looking for him at the Jerk Store. what a master of misdirection," said Cal Woodlinger, freelance reporter

"it was like he vanished and all that was left was his grin, much too freaky for us," said Thomas Cheshireton of The Underground News

"not even Carrie Prejean could have fingered this one out," said Sandy Underpants, Associated Aristocrats
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because his johnson is super-sized and drags on the floor and can be used to lasso antelopes and rogue polar bears, a washcloth was not enough

2009-11-24T12:27:00.000-08:00

and this is why sweet sarah of senility didn't know he was sleepin' with the virgin Bristol, he was bangin' her from outside the house via the clothes dryer vent.

foxnews: 70% of Americans suffer from back palin

2009-11-24T12:22:00.000-08:00

from here
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hoping for my first Drudge link

2009-11-24T10:02:00.000-08:00

Obama has breakfast, offers No Republican a sip of his orange juice

2009-11-24T09:35:00.000-08:00

gosh this guy is good

an early Thanksgiving post: why I'm grateful for the existence of palin

2009-11-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

thanks to much of my family I have a front row seat to right wing fundamentalist christianism as it intersects with politics. I loathe their thinking in this realm. they gave us george w. bush and dick cheney who, as bad as they were, were not quite as bad as they could have been; phony christianists they, not true believers. and after that eight year horror the fundy wingers, who now without a doubt control the republican party, needed to lose big, but they couldn't lose unless they had a fighter in the ring. then thanks to the overwhelming cynicism of john pow mccain, we were introduced to sarah palin. I don't think there's a politician in America who is a better fit for their movement. in a word, she is perfect. for everyone. because even in losing, she wins, and is free to lose again and again. now I'm not saying it's impossible for the good guys to come up short against this phenom, but the fight is now out in an open field and their weapons are no longer hidden. considering the irrationality of our opponents it's really the best scenario we could hope for. I love me some sarah, a pure and wonderful blessing in disguise.

...also, and file this in the category 'obvious things that Sandy has finally noticed', the more times a winger statement is repeated and the louder the repetitions, the larger and more certain the lie. the "core principles" mantra is what tripped my cognition. they have none, as in zero, core principles. paraphrasing others here, what they believe is the last thing to escape palin's piehole, and NOTHING more. don't ever let one get away with the core principles bullshit again. and this holds not just politically, and I hate to say it, but morally as well. just take a quick look at the morality of their wars, the morality of their torture and the morality of their letting poor people suffer and die for the crime of not being rich.
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and I missed this a week ago, but I'm also thankful for James Wolcott, such a way with words.
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2009-11-23T06:42:00.000-08:00

way back about twelve centuries ago(in HCR time) when Snowe transferred her healthcare presidency to Lieberman, I mentioned to Seattleson that the leverage Reid had over holy joe was "fuck us on this Lieberman and we'll give Snowe what she wants, pass the bill and then yank your chairmanship". looks like that is one of the roads being traveled.
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Zen Comics does it better, but I caught the bug!

2009-11-22T17:52:00.001-08:00

Big Chief

2009-11-22T15:13:00.001-08:00

Lagniappe: Arlen Spector and Gerald Ford can Fuck Off.

Comix, comics, comixx, comic strips, editorial cartoons, cartoons, comic books, underground comix, satire, parody, Republicans, political cartoons

Zencomix

it's like the guy with no arms selling his chainsaw

2009-11-22T08:28:00.000-08:00

yeah Democrats, you might as well get rid of the filibuster, it's not like y'all are capable of using it anyways. it really is a republican-only tool.
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2009-11-22T07:44:00.000-08:00

shorter ross douchehat: conservative men may still drag women around by their hair, but implicit in that action is that we are now conceding that women have the right to have hair. and that dear readers is an impressive job of wingnut gender progress for all to admire. plus we let them clean the toilets.
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2009-11-22T07:16:00.000-08:00

gosh this guy is good

Sandy gets a peek at the Palin family 'baby name' book:

2009-11-21T21:51:00.000-08:00

Airplane Alaska Also Amok Ark Asleep Bagpipe Bandaid Beaver Betcha Bible Boil Butter Byebye Camo Campground Cartwheel Certs Chewchew Church Claw Concrete Crack Cyst Dandruff Decider Devoidly Dirt Dogma Doozy Dragnet Drillbit Drizzle Easterpie Endtimes Epidural Extracheese Fade Farce Farp Faucet Fiddle Fizz Flush Foop Frag Frozen Fudge Furnish Gallop Gastro Gimmick Girdle Grackle Grapenuts Grenade Grizzle Grocery Grunk Gyno Hairdo Handkerchief Hardly Hatchback Hollow Hootersky Hulahoop Hymen Inchworm Infection Jockstrap Junkyard Keeper Ketchup Kickball Knothole Lansing Larry Lesion Lightbulb Limbo Log Loop Lotto Lube Luggage Moped Measles Meatly Megaton Menses Microphone Mildew Mismatch Missionary Mizzle Mono Mortgage Mumbo Mucous Necklace Nightshift Nope Norway Nuculer Nuisance Obey Okay Oops Outstanding Package Patriot Plunger Pooper Potato Quicksand Quitter Radish Random Retard Ripple Runway Salt Saturday Scissors Sheepshank Shopping Silence Sixtysix Sizzler Slaphappy Snore Snowball Spit Straddle Sugarbush Sweeper Sycamore Syringe Table Taint Tedious Thermo Toenail Toggle Toxic Traffic Trains Troop Trouble Trugg Truthy Turmoil Twizzle Twaddle Umbrella Vapid Void Wander Warwar Waterboard Whiffle Whoop Wimple Xray Yawn Zipper
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so funny, what would we do for laughs without Sarah Hilarious?

2009-11-21T12:03:00.000-08:00

"In brief, chapter 3 is a cumbersome, hundred-page turd that covers Palin’s campaign for the governor’s office; her first 18 months as chief executive, including her push for ethics reform and a natural gas pipeline; all the people who were mean to her for one reason or another; her last pregnancy, including the letter Palin wrote to her family in which she pretended to be God; and her family’s random exploits from 2006-2008, including Todd’s 4th place finish in the Iron Dog snowmachine race and Bristol’s 1st place finish in getting knocked up."

from here via here

wtf redux

2009-11-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

another 'Smart brain concerned about the issues jumps into sarah's head to save the day for THE CONSERVATIVES' column gets written. holy Christ on a skateboard, is every wingnut fundy pundit required by law to write one of these every three months? ...the timing feels similar to the friedman unit phenomenon of yore. which reminds me, the ghoul that calls itself POW JOHN, gives us a guaranteed Afghani win in 2-3 friedmans, IF we throw another 40,000 souls into that frying pan. Murca will rest easy tonight.

Pre Zappadan Moment Dedicated to Sarah Palin's Motives

2009-11-20T09:53:00.001-08:00