under the magnifying glass

the year ends with an ellipse...

2006-12-26T09:49:00.000+08:00

This is going to be my last entry not only for December, but for the year 2006 as well. Wow! So in just a span of less than eleven months, I have composed twenty-four blog entries. Except for the month of May, I have managed to write an entry for each month. Whoopdedoo!

I'd prefer writing my last entry on New Year's Eve, but unfortunately that's not going to be the case. New Year's Eve and New Year's Day itself will be spent in fixing up the new house that we bought. Talk about a stressful way to start the new year. But hey! It's the perfect symbol to represent my family's start at a new God-blessed life. We start the new year living in a new house. I'll not be going online for the first few days of 2007 because we're going to move our internet cable connection from our old place to the new one.

This year moved incredibly fast. Too fast, I think. So much has happened in just a span of twelve months. 2006 became a real turning point in my life, especially since I look back at it as the year when I graduated from college. There are also memories that I just love to play back in my head, memories that I'd rather not remember, and memories that...well, just make me think. (Again with the thinking! Aargh! Thanks a lot, Gardner!)

Let's evaluate the year 2006, shall we?

This year, I've grown up. And not just because I left my teenage years already. I've grown up in other aspects of my life. Sure, I can still be childish and immature at times, but only to a certain degree. I'm constantly bothered by things that have never bothered me before, I can't wait to get a job, I'm faced with making major decisions almost every time, and I always feel myself yearning for a closer and more intimate relationship with my Creator. Now, I'm definitely looking forward to 2007, especially the month of January for a lot of reasons.

Any good things that came up this year? Definitely. I've met more people, made more friends, got involved in Sunday School ministry among others. And I discovered the beauty of UNLIMITEXT.

Any regrets for 2006? Absolutely! I'm no stranger to the statement, "It would've been better if..." And believe, there are a lot of them. I always feel that there could've been things I could have done right...and if they were already right to begin with, I feel that I could've done them better. Do I want to change things that have happened this year? I'll be honest. Yes. But then again, I just look at the events of 2006 as things that continue to shape me to be the person God is raising me to be. And I'm hoping that's the case also for other people out there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wonder...
Oh, I dunno...
Maybe it's just a thought...
Unless God has impressed it upon my heart...
I'll give it three months and then I'll make the decision...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got this from a Berenstain Bears book.

"What about questions? Did God create questions?" - Sister Bear
"Yes Sister. Mostly questions." - Papa Bear

Pretty insightful, don't you think? I believe God creates answers too though...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2006 ends, not with a period, but with an ellipse. Every year does I think. Good bye 2006!

...

thoughts during a rain...

2006-12-11T01:29:00.000+08:00

It's raining. It has been for the past two nights. But hey. At least the weather's gotten a lot cooler these past few days. I had been dreading a warm Christmas time, but I guess mother nature had other plans. And once again, the rain comes crashing down heavily...the same time as La Salle's finals week. Again. Not that it bothers me though. I just sort of pity all those other people who have to trudg through bad weather while I'm at home relaxed in a comfortable bed with my favorite book in my hands. At least, that'll be the case until January 2007.

I don't know why I'm blogging at this time. I guess I really just don't have anything else much to do. Haven't actually had a lot of things to do for the past three weeks, with the exception of The Question, a couple of singing opportunities here and there, and a few trips to the mall either with friends or by myself. What I've done most of the time is to eat, sleep, and use the computer. And of course, think. Reflect. If you want it in Tagalog, nagmuni-muni ako. Yes Ading, you're right. I think too much sometimes. But then, we always said that I'm dominantly intrapersonal while you're interpersonal, right?

*Okay, the rain's just gotten a bit stronger.

The past few months has left the Philippines staring at the face of typhoons left and right, leaving several families homeless or without loved ones. Tragic. You can't help but feel sorry for your countrymen who just seem to be struggling with one storm after another, asking themselves, "When will the storms end? When can we start rebuilding our lives again?" Hmmm. Again. Makes me think about life storms. Always about life storms. I wonder though what is more difficult. The storm itself or the pursuit to repair and restore the damage brought about by that storm. It's food for thought, isn't it? When Milenyo struck the Philippines a couple of months back, it only stayed for a brief moment. But the damage it left was so severe it took days before things were restored in Metro Manila. For other regions, electricity and the like were restored weeks later. Not to mention that rescue parties had to be deployed, bodies had to be found and buried, trees and debris had to be moved...oh, I dunno. You be the judge. I'm not really in the mood to think. I'm giving my brain a rest from any higher order skills found in Bloom's taxonomy.

*Well, well...the rain's finally calmed down. I think. Hmmm. But it could just be pulling my leg. It could be powering up just like that bunnyboo character that Dino and I know so well, complete with its fist-shaking motion. (What on earth am I saying?)

What else? Oh yeah. Saturday. Arneil and I went out to Southmall to do some network gaming, something that we haven't done for a long time already. I tried out DOTA for the first time with him coaching me from the other computer. Of course, I didn't really put my whole heart into it. I was only trying it out, and besides, I was more in the mood to play Generals, which we did play right after. I haven't beaten Arneil yet (I wonder if I ever will), but I did improve a lot in the way I play the game. Even Arneil admitted being threatened. He may have been sarcastic, though. My army always looks so puny compared to his. I can't figure out why. Maybe his tanks reproduce asexually? Who knows...
Wait, I'm not done yet with Saturday. After my three-hour escapade with Arneil, I went to church for the youth Christmas party since I hadn't gone to youth for two Saturdays and also because I did promise Micah I would show up. Which is probably just as well, 'cause aside from winning around 30 bucks from the "Merry Christmas" word formation game, I also wound up getting invited to Iya's birthday celebration. Many thanks again for inviting me, Iya! May God continue to bless you in every part of your life-- school, family, ministry, and of course, your relationship. ^_^

*Hmm...I guess the rain did give itself a rest...

Mau won the title of Philippine Idol, which is just fine with me since she's probably one of the best singers I've ever seen and also one who possesses a singing ability that could be pitted against international singers out there. Don't underestimate what the Filipinos can do. Ask the pastor himself who talked during the Hillsong United concert. He said, and I quote, "Filipinos are the most talented people I've ever met. They can do anything!" Well, isn't that a pat on the back for us, right? We've got a gold mine of talents in this country, waiting to be discovered.

*Okay, I spoke too soon. I can hear the rain coming back.

I think it's about time I really thought about what I want to do...or rather, what God wants me to do. I'm not just talking about my career path. It goes deeper than that. I've lately been thinking about where God is leading me, because it's hard for me to figure out whether He's put a wall between me and some things or whether I've built the wall myself and He's prodding me to climb that wall and get back on track. (Okay, mukhang bumalik nanaman ako sa pagmumuni-muni.) I suppose that's why reading about King Amaziah in 2 Chronicles and also reading Jim Cymbala's explanation about listening to God really struck something in the recesses of my brain. Am I still sensitive to what God is telling me? I really just don't know.

*Okay. So just like that...the sound of downpour has disappeared yet again.

Right. In case this is to be my last blog entry for December, let me just already go ahead and say Merry Christmas!

the grace awakening...

2006-12-02T23:26:00.000+08:00

I just came from "The Question" seminar conducted in CFAC this weekend and...man! Did it change my life! I knew I would come out of it feeling released from the many things that have been burdens in my life for so long, but the overwhelming presence that God showered during the two days still caught me by surprise. Indeed, if there's one thing that was emphasized throughout the whole experience, it was that God's grace is definitely sufficient even for those who feel that they've thrown their life away for the pleasures of the world.

Because of the agreement of secrecy that I took, I will not share in detail what my group went through. Actually, I don't even wish to, especially since many sensitive issues were taken up and we found ourselves really humbling ourselves before God and asking Him to really take control of every single aspect of our lives. Let me just point though out that God blessed me through the members of my small group. Though I met several of them only on the first day of the seminar, somehow the unity that was brought by the grace of God and our love for Jesus Christ just took over each one of us and a strong bond of trust seemed to exist within our group. Even if I know that the selection of the group members was really done at random, I can confidently say that God handpicked these people who not only became my friends but also my prayer partners. And even more so, they are people who will join me in fulfilling the destiny God has planned for each of us.

To Ptr. Alberto, Tito Dan, Paolo, Kit, JR, Allan, and my cousin Nico: Thank you so much for your prayers and your encouragement. Your words carried so much power from our God on High that I can only stand amazed at the goodness that He continues to show in my life. Thank you so much! Keep in touch guys! And let's live the life that God has called us to live. My dear brothers in Christ, let's fulfill our destiny.

JUCO (from Hugo)- "clear-minded; wise" [Isaiah54:14]
ANTONIO- "priceless" [James 3:17]

walls have ears, doors have eyes...

2006-11-21T17:35:00.000+08:00

What have I gotten myself into?!

Suddenly, the weight of being a teacher seems to press down on me even harder after realizing just how big an impact I can make on my students. Don't get the wrong idea though. I love teaching and even if people would often hear me fuss about the Energizer bunnies and invisible sound amplifiers that exist within each of my students (and in addition, complain about a certain student who seems to be blacklisted by all the Sunday School teachers), I actually enjoy sitting down with my students and sharing what I know with them. Last Sunday was no exception.

Having finished the story of Joseph the previous month, I started my students with a new lesson: Moses. To get them started, I had them do a treasure hunt. I taped several miniature pictures of rabbits all around the room and told them to find and collect as many as they possibly could. I ended up giving two prizes to two of my more enthusiastic students. Afterwards, I got the kids engaged in a drawing activity and also storytelling activity...for about ten minutes. Eventually, things began to get a little more difficult. One of my kids began crying because another kid scribbled over his drawing. Three other boys began running around and shouting and making an unbearable din and knocking down the chairs. Eventually, I gave up finishing the story and announced that they could eat: something to distract the kids and keep them trouble for the next five minutes. I thought the worst was over. I was wrong. I was surprised to just find one of the girls in my class lying on the floor, clutching her back, and crying out in pain. Thank God she wasn't seriously hurt (the way I see it, the game she was playing with the boys got a little too rough), but I was inches away from panic mode. Sigh. It's a good thing Patty was there to help me out.

Okay, I'm just stating what happened in actuality. This is not to give a negative view about my life as a teacher. In fact, I am about to tell you what happened that same Sunday that made me appreciate the joys of being a teacher even more.

Still remember the crying kid? His name's Jed. While I was trying to comfort him because of his ruined drawing, one of those who won in the treasure hunt (his name's John) gave Jed his prize instead and said, "Here Jed. You can have this instead." You could have blown me away when I saw that! A simple act of kindness demonstrated by one of my students and yet, it got me full in the face. After comforting Jed, I gave John a hug and told him that I was so proud of what he'd done and that I would give him another prize next Sunday instead. John just nodded and asked if he could play with my cellphone. I gladly obliged. He more than deserved it. Later, when I went to the church sanctuary, Jed saw me and told his father, "That's my Teacher Nino." Bang! Did he just say "my Teacher Nino?" Whoaaaa...

For some of you out there, you might think I'm being very shallow about all this, going all dramatic just because of an act of kindness done by my student or the fact that one of my students said that I was HIS teacher. I assure you that I'm not. When you begin to see yourself through the eyes of the younger generation who look up to you and imitate everything that you say and do, you begin to see that you form an essential
part of their development.

The walls have ears and the doors have eyes. We usually fail to realize that there are a lot of ears listening to what we say and eyes watching our every move. Last Sunday, while I was giving out instructions for the treasure hunt, Jed told me that I "just said a bad word." Immediately, my mind went on rewind. When? Where? What did I say? As far as I knew, I was just telling them, "There are still several pictures left. Look around. They're just somewhere in this room." Well, I never got to figure out what the "bad word" he thought I said was, but I told myself that I'd have to be more careful. He may have heard wrong, but I didn't want to give him the impression that it was okay to say what he thought he heard. Mark 9:42 seems to be the verse that fits this entry: "And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck."

Puts me in mind to what my 10:30 group discussed during the Sunday School Retreat a few weeks back. When Nanay Tess asked us to share our own thoughts about being teachers, I answered, "We shouldn't be telling our students to do what we ourselves cannot do." I don't know why I keep doing that: giving answers and hitting myself in the process. For some apparent reason, I'm fond of self-inflicted injury (someone tell me if that's even normal!). But I really meant what I said. And let's face reality. You tell your students, "Don't lie." when just yesterday, you told your teacher that your pet camel ate your homework. You tell them, "Keep quiet so that the others can listen." when you yourself can't keep your big mouth shut when your group is done praying and another group isn't. You tell them "Don't fight." when you have a very long hit-list written in flowery stationery hidden deep inside your closet. Do this, do that, do this, do that. One word: hypocrite.
I'm doing it again--self-inflicted injury--and I'm using my blog as a medium.

Right. For my readers out there, you may not be teachers. Chances are, though, you are group leaders, older siblings, parents etc. In other words, you are people that those younger than you look up to and imitate. Be very careful. You are shaping the next batch of people who will eventually take your place in this world. Watch your words. Watch your actions. Watch your thoughts. It's not a pleasant experience to be a hundred fathoms under the sea with a millstone tied around your neck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Was just about to sign out of my Yahoo! messenger yesterday when Jade went online and gave me something that I badly needed: a hugging emoticon and a bunch of encouraging messages. Thanks Jade! Once again, you've managed to make me feel better. It's just too bad that I can't get in touch with you quite as often nowadays. Hope to catch you again soon though. Our last conversation was left unfinished. I miss you so very much! ^_^

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm left with the question: "Now what?" Lord knows I really have to start somewhere now, otherwise it wouldn't amount to anything at all.

malls, memories, and menagerie...

2006-11-18T02:25:00.000+08:00

Here's a rundown of my activities for November 17, 2006:

I. Location 1: SM Bicutan
I went to buy a dark green polo for the anniversary celebration. After almost an hour of searching, I finally found a lone dark green small-sized polo in SM Hypermart. At 350php, it was definitely a bargain. To add a little happiness to my day, while I was queued at the counter to pay for my shirt, the woman in front of me told me to cut in front of her since I only had one purchase while she had a cartload of goods. I thanked her gratefully, paid the cashier, thanked her again with a smile, then walked away. It made me happy to think that there still are some good people out there...

II. Location 2: Alabang Town Center
Nuel went out on his first official gimmick with his friends and so, being his beloved older brother, the task of watching him fell on me. I had been planning to hang around in Powerbooks as soon as he and his friends met up. Lo and behold, as soon as Nuel and his friends got together, Steph appeared clutching her tripod. I ended up hanging out with her for the time being, which was just as well because it spared me an extra hour of boredom and lonesomeness. Never mind the fact that I stopped by Olympic World three times in a span of an hour. Haha! Later on, Steph and I met up with Alex and JN. Then, when all three of them left, I met up again with Nuel and his friends at Timezone. (By the way, I also bumped into Anton, Philip and some other people from SCTC, a co-teacher from my practicum days in Seton, a fellow English major, and Kuya Mario.)
Mrs. Garcia, the mom of Nuel's friend, talked to me today about working in her learning center as an assistant supervisor until I am able to find full-time work in the school that the Lord wants me to be in. Although I'd very much prefer to teach in a conventional school, I immediately saw that her offer was one worth taking. Why? Well, first of all, I was a student under the A.C.E. program, so I don't need to undergo any training since I already know how the whole thing works. Second, I badly need a source of income since I really don't feel like I should be leeching money from my folks now that I've graduated from college. Third, this short experience as an assistant supervisor adds meat to my resume. I didn't need any more convincing. I told Mrs. Garcia I was interested in her offer, but working in her learning center would have to wait until my family moves to BF Homes on the 15th of December (hopefully). While I am not sure yet how this whole thing is going to turn out, I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to leave my bum life soon.
After what seemed like forever, Mom finally showed up to bring me to church and take Nuel home...

III. Location 3: Bread from Heaven
This became my fourth consecutive day in church for anniversary practice. Tuesday and Wednesday were spent for hand-mime, Thursday for praise and worship. This time, it was the general rehearsal for the hand-mime. Just when I thought that the mime was going to go smoothly, I wound up leaving the church more confused since I was given something different to do at the last minute. So I completely messed up during the practice since the new hand formation I had to do hadn't sunk in well enough to completely erase the old one from the recesses of my memory. I wonder if I'll still have time to clean it up before the performance. Oh well...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's frustrating that I had to give up the Silver Quill Awards night for my practice. I wouldn't have minded if it hadn't been for the fact that the article I wrote for The Menagerie last January entitled "Making the Cut" was among the four nominees for Best Short Feature. Did I win? I don't know. I'll probably find out on a later date or something. I'm not counting my chickens, seeing as the others competing for the same award are really good writers. It's good to know though that what I wrote and how I wrote it was appreciated by my own peers, and that's already an honor for me. It just sucks to know that I couldn't be there to find out for sure. Kinda makes me wish I had the ability to be in two places at once.
Just a thought on writing. I started writing around the age of six, imitating the way books were written. At six years old, I had no knowledge of paragraphs and quotation marks; also, my grammar and spelling were still developing. However, as time passed, my love for writing grew along with a big improvement in my writing style. When I bagged the gold medal at the first Jr. Students Convention for short story writing at the age of eleven, I knew that I wanted to be a writer. I really know that writing is really going to be a central part of the plans God has in store for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chatting last Wednesday was different. I did not put a smiley in any of my chat windows. It didn't matter whom I was talking to. The fact remained that I did not use any smiling emoticon at all. This is highly unusual for me, but there it is. Was there a reason? Yes, of course there was. Because I just made a difficult decision that day, one that I had been pondering on for several weeks. Hopefully, it was the best one. I've tried everything else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adding quotations from different books will be something I'll be doing quite frequently in my blog nowadays. Here's the latest one on my mind, still from Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson.

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin! Pay attention! We are now studying Geography! Now which state do you live in?
Calvin: Denial.
Ms. Wormwood: Sigh. I suppose I can't argue with that.

If Calvin really lives in the state of denial, maybe he and I are neighbors...

life needs upgrades...

2006-11-05T18:50:00.000+08:00

I'm exhausted-- both physically and emotionally. And spiritually, my life needs work.

Okay, let me first tackle physical exhaustion. I've had a completely jam-packed schedule this week:

Youth Overnight (Oct. 31- Nov. 1)
Anniversary Practice (Nov. 2)
Sunday School Retreat (Nov. 3-4)

Although I can definitely say that being present for all three activities was well worth it, I cannot deny the fact that I finally reached the limits of my physical strength. So as of last night, when I got home from the retreat, I came down with a really high fever and fell asleep hours before my usual sleeping time. I feel better now, but I'm not yet in a condition to go anywhere. Besides, my mom has made it clear that I'm not to go anywhere until I'm completely well. Oh well, who am I to argue with Dr. Mom, right? I hope that this doesn't disrupt my scheduled practices for the anniversary. I've already missed two vocal practices and I'm scheduled to start practice for the hand mime soon. Talk about busy. And now, my singing voice is strained as well. My voice was already cracking yesterday, and I told Kuya Bobot that I'm going to have to limit my singing until my vocal cords have been given time to rest. The last thing I need right now is to lose my voice completely.

Upgrades needed:
stronger immune system, application of steps for vocal care, more sleep

Why am I emotionally exhausted? Because right now, something about my feelings that I'm struggling with is eating me alive and I already feel exhausted battling it out. Actually, truth be told, I feel like I'm on the losing end especially since it's been something I've struggled with for several months now. It doesn't help that circumstances kept popping up that have made it even more difficult to fight it. It was only very recently that I finally got to confess to one of my best friends what my dilemma is. I suppose, given the amount of time I've already spent with her over the years, she could easily read me and it didn't take her long to get me to talk to her. I'm grateful that she did. At least now, someone I trust knows what's going on. I'm left with some decisions to make in my life and a lot of prayers to pray before I can get my life back to the way it once was...or better than it once was.

Upgrades needed:
counseling, immersion in God's word, a male accountability partner, prayer, relationship restoration

Spiritually, I know I can do better. One look at Micah's blog regarding walking by faith has told me that I should be seeking the same thing. I know that I should always be pursuing more out of my Christian life each day, but this is always not the case. I usually find myself spiritually dry or too lazy to pick up my Bible, meditate on it, and pray. Other times, I am able to read my Bible but I feel like nothing is entering my mind. Other times, having my quiet time becomes more of work than privilege. What makes it more frustrating is that I'm the one who tells people to find satisfaction in God, and yet I can't even seem to find that same satisfaction that I'm talking about. Worship leading is definitely not as easy as one might think. It's difficult.

Upgrades needed:
deepened prayer life, deeper relationship with God, worship team devotions

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the current song in my life and also the prayer of my heart. I need someone to rescue me. And not just any someone. The only Someone Who can help me is Jesus.

Rescue
Don Moen

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

'Cause I need You Jesus
to come to my rescue
(Oh/Tell me) Where else can I go?
There's no other name
by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You
I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
I put my trust in You

(I will follow You) This world has nothing for me...
(I will trust in You) This world has nothing for me...

october thoughts, part 2...

2006-10-31T09:15:00.000+08:00

i. Tonight is the annual overnight youth service at church, and I will be part of the praise and worship team again this year for the third straight time. Time does fly extremely fast. I can still recall the praise and worship two years ago when I sang with Micah, Tina, Kim, and Janine, all of us (or at least, Micah, Janine, and I) jumping to the beat of Romans 16:19. Speaking of which, it was during the practice for this particular overnight that I got to meet Jade, Erica, Dino, and Anton for the first time.

ii. I've still got cough and colds-- souvenirs from my very full schedule last Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. During those three days, I didn't even sleep at home. Come Tuesday early morning, as I was about to sleep after saying goodbye to Erica and Jade in NAIA, I felt the ever familiar and dreadful itchy sensation in my throat. I dunno, but I think I have this tendency to get sick during overnights for some reason. Yikes! Anyhow, my condition's gotten better so I'll be able to sing tonight. I've got to have tissues ready though.

iii. I'm finding myself battling different thoughts gnawing through my head. They're pretty disturbing to say the least and they're almost always there before I go to bed at night or even sometimes during the day. Okay, I won't say anything more because I'll be forced to say names. Just lifting it all up to God now.

iv. To all those who sent me testimonials in my Friendster this month, thanks! Hehe! Opening my account and reading what you wrote about me made me smile, and I definitely mean that. May God bless you in the same way that you have blessed me!

v. Still waiting for the payments for the house to be completed. I'm not sure if the worst is finally over, but the fact that my parents were able to acquire a vast sum of money to pay for the house keeps me reassured that God is in no way abandoning my family in our time of need. From the very start that the decision to move house materialised, we all knew that it was going to take a miracle for us to leave our present house and move into a new one. Well, no doubt that we've already got the great miracle-worker with us 24/7. Thank you Lord.

vi. Leo, Lakan, and I finally got to go out again--something that we hadn't done as a trio for about six months or more. We went to the arcade (I got hooked on a particular versus game, but I can't remember what it's called) and then hung around in Starbucks where Lakan challenged himself to drink one shot of pure caffeine. After drinking it, it took awhile before he could speak tangibly because it seemed as if his mouth was just shooting off everywhere whenever he tried to talk. Ah, the wonders of coffee...hehe!

vii. Ever notice how I don't seem to have one fixed style in the way I blog my thoughts? Haha! Hmm, not that it bothers me though. It's just interesting.

viii. Church anniversary practice is coming up really soon. This time, I won't only be participating in the praise and worship (this is going to be my 4th year!), but also in the hand mime production of the Children's Ministry a.k.a. the Sunday School Teachers. Oh, and speaking of Sunday School, the retreat is this Friday and Saturday. I'm looking forward to having a rather interesting time.

ix. Time to start looking for a school to teach in! Although it's going to be several months still before I'll be going to full-time teaching during the start of the next school year, I feel the need to already begin scouting for the school that would give me a decent pay, a decent workload, and of course a beneficial teaching-learning experience. In addition to this, I also need to brush up on world literature in preparation for the LET which I'll be taking next year along with Micah and Ate Madel. And I've also got to review again my lessons in FOUNED 1 and 2 as well as CURIDEV since the theories aren't concretely in my head yet. So much to study for.

x. Well, I suppose this concludes my October thoughts. Goodbye October, hello November!

for Jade and Erica...

2006-10-24T11:20:00.000+08:00

I am putting "October thoughts, part 2" on hold for this special entry which I dedicate to two young ladies who have made such a big impact in my life.

As I write this blog entry, Jade and Erica--two fellow OWLS who are really close to me--are now on a plane destined to take them to the place which they will now call their new home: Canada. I am going to miss them so much. Going to church and not being able to see them anymore seems to be, at the moment, an impossibility, since I see them in church countless times every week. However, the truth will undoubtedly sink in once I go to the services this week and realize that they really are gone.

It is with a smiling face full of tears that I bade Jade and Erica farewell.

Can't help but look back at the times I spent with these two young ladies the past months. I have known Erica and Jade for a couple of years already, but it was actually just last February that I really got to form a really tight bond with both of them; it's a bond that has lasted for several months and one that I expect to last for years to come. And when I say years, I mean several decades.

Lord knows that their absence will greatly affect also the Praise and Worship Team in church. We're now short of one keyboardist, one alto, and one tenor (Tito Art, their dad). This is not to be a pessimist. I'm just being honest. It is extremely difficult to find replacements who are not only equally talented, but also equally on fire for the Lord.

Speaking of being on fire, I'm going to have to hand it over to Jade and Erica for being partly responsible for my return to the youth service after several years. As I have already told Micah during a particular chat session some months ago, it was when I saw these two young ladies passionately worshipping God during the praise and worship in the retreat that God started telling me that the flame of worship among the youth of Bread from Heaven was still there. It was through them that I felt the need to know God more intimately in my life.

It is with a heavy heart that I look forward, not to things that will happen, but to things that will not happen anymore: the grouptext goodmornings and goodnights, the cellphone picture takings, the crazy stories and insane laughter, for instance. No more hello and goodbye hugs from them. No more after service jammings with them. *sigh*

Right, let me try to change the mood of this entry before I get all depressed.

To Erica: Dude! I'm really looking forward to seeing you again. Thanks so much for all the really fun times and memories. It's too bad that we weren't able to push through with the EK gig that you had in mind. Don't fret though. God obviously has something greater in store for you there. I have always seen His goodness in your life, so I pray that you don't lose sight of His plan and purpose for you. Believe me, you'll make an awesome worship leader someday. I love you! God bless!

To Jade: Thank you so much for entrusting me with your problems and concerns. I may not always have been able to help you with some of them, but I hope that just by listening to you and comforting you, I was able to make you feel better. You are definitely not just one of my best friends. You have always been and continue to be like a younger sister to me. I pray that you'll continue to be in love with the Lord Jesus Christ and that you'll follow his every direction in your whole life. I'm surely going to miss my keyboardist when I worship lead this Saturday. I love you so much Jade! God bless! (Oh, and thanks for keeping my secret!)

I don't intend to make this entry any longer than it already is, so I suppose I'm going to end it right here. To Tito Art, Tita Malu, Jade, Erica, Elisha, and Arthon, I wish you all a safe trip and a joyous time in Canada. ^_^

october thoughts, part 1...

2006-10-16T17:25:00.000+08:00

Let me begin this blog entry with an announcement: I have finally graduated. October 14 marked the day that I climbed up the stage as a form of declaration that I have finally obtained my bachelor's degree in secondary education. As my dad and my grandma put it, I am now a professional. I can't help but feel grateful to the Lord for the great blessing of having spent a bit more than three years of my life in college, meeting new people and actually obtaining highly useful information. So here's to the conclusion of one adventure and the introduction of the next in my life.

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Just started reading a book that discusses the Chronicles of Narnia. Since I finished reading the entire collection last year as my goal for READCUR, I have been constantly on the lookout for books that explore them from a literary or Biblical standpoint. I haven't quite finished it yet, but allow me to share the content of the first few chapters:

Ever imagined how Creation could have happened? Genesis 1:1 gives an outline of Creation according to what was created in a span of about a week. We know. We've read or heard it at one point in our lives, and even if we usually forget what was made first, the point remains that God created all things and that it was all good. In The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis tries to capture a fraction of what could've possibly been one, if not the most, incredible things that happened in all of history. Imagine for a moment how, in pitch blackness, light just seemed t0 emerge and sweep in and reveal the invisible. Imagine how plants amazingly sprouted out of the ground and how their branches and leaves seemed to dance. Imagine how space suddenly seemed to be dotted with bright shining stars and designed with the wonders of the celestial bodies. Imagine how flocks of birds suddenly appeared out of the mountains and flew across the grasslands with their immortal songs. Imagine how animals came out of caves and holes and brushes, blinked at the morning sun that greeted them, and cried out in worship to their Creator. You'll realize that even our imagination would probably be inferior to the actual event that happened all those years ago. What happened wasn't just the creation of creatures and plants and light and heavenly bodies. What happened was probably the most awesome worship concert that ever took place. Think about it. Just like any concert, it begins with light to reveal the awesomeness that is about to happen. The stage and stage design in the form of well-shaped mountains, grasslands, and flowing streams of water are later on revealed. Visual effects in the form of stellar bodies dot whatever is left of the darkness. Finally, all created beings come forth, each with their own version of praise and worship according to how they were created by God. I think God did more than just rest during the 7th day of Creation. I think he watched a concert.

A few weeks ago, the Sunday after Milenyo struck Metro Manila, I attended a worship concert in Marikina. There were different musical performances, ranging from contemporary worship to classical music to rap to Jewish music. It was the first time in a long time that the beauty of worship captured me so intensely I actually cried, especially when Ted was already singing "Take Me Lord." It was refreshing to say the least. And what was the theme of this said concert? "All Creation Worships."

All were made to worship. It is when we do what we're made to do that we worship.

I wish I could have seen just a glimpse of that greatest worship concert ever all those years ago...

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Jade and Erica are leaving for Canada next week. I've got mixed emotions. I'm excited for them since this seems to be a new adventure for them in their life. I'm happy for them, because at least now they'll get to spend more time as a complete family. At the same time, I'm dreading having to say goodbye to them. It's not going to be easy, considering the past few months I spent with them. If it weren't for the retreat, I probably wouldn't have known them as much as I do now. Oh well. I'll make the most of it. There are still a few precious days left to spend with them.

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"My life needs a rewind/erase button." - Calvin, Yukon Ho!
"And volume control." - Hobbes, Yukon Ho!

Know why I included such quotes in this entry? Because they're true...

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Why am I still up at midnight? I guess I really do have weird sleeping habits...

revisiting the pensieve...

2006-09-21T10:18:00.000+08:00

1) This morning, I've already received four text messages. The first was from my mom, telling me to be Nuel's supervisor since she won't be around to help him in his PACES. The second was from Matthew with a morning greeting, the third from Krichelle also with a morning greeting. Just as I was starting this entry, Erica also sent me a morning greeting. Will it be a good day? I hope so. Will it be a God day? Definitely...

2) Except for a quick trip to La Salle last Monday to get my yearbook, I've spent the entire two weeks at home. Well, I'm not exactly bumming (I just got a text message from Jade, so let's make it five text messages this morning). I've managed to do a bit of productive stuff over the last few days--I finished a book, which is something I haven't accomplished since reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and I'm creating a literary archive for all my works. Over the next few days, I'll be writing (or attempting to write) a children's story for Salanga...

3) Last week I got to read the story of Brother Yun and the Chinese Christian persecution that goes on in China. Right after reading it, I came down with a really bad cold and cough. As if that wasn't enough, I also came down with a 72-hour fever. But I'm not pissed off that I got sick. Quite the contrary. I guess I'm pretty thankful that God allowed it. Last week was definitely a learning experience for me, and God spoke to me several times about some things which I won't disclose anymore. It does lead me to talk to a certain someone though...

4) The Sunday School class has gotten a lot bigger, and I always feel so helpless whenever I enter the room and face the din of their little voices. They're so small also, so the chances of me tripping over them and falling is extremely high. I'm pretty amazed how Steph is able to handle them so well. Just goes to show that handling high school is so different compared to handling kids 6-8 years old...

5) Would it be normal if I said I kinda miss school already? Probably. I've grown so accustomed to just sitting in the classroom and listening to the professor lecture for the past three years that breaking the usual routine seems to be very strange for me. Yes, I actually miss the classroom. I miss watching the professor write on the blackboard as he/she writes a couple of unlegible words. I miss the usual five-minute notebook scans before the professor shouts out, "Take out a half-sheet of paper." Okay, you people might probably want to crack my head open since you're all still experiencing this while I'm doing nothing at all. Forgive me, but the classroom happens to be my element. I'm an education major after all...

6) I love singing. Yes, I definitely do. During a not-too-recent chat session, I told a friend of mine, "I wish I knew how to play an instrument, but my hands are just clumsy to handle any right." She, on the other hand, said, "At least you can sing! Geez! I can't even sing to save my own life!" I think she emphasized that point three more times when we chatted. Just goes to show that we really are called to do different things in life. We all have different skills that are specifically picked out by God for us and we just have to be extremely grateful and thankful to God for them. Such skills can immediately be taken away. Believe me, the last thing I want is for me to end up like Julie Andrews...

7) Still waiting to move to BF Homes. We're not yet done paying the full amount, but I'm really praying that we'll move into the house by mid-October...

8) Somehow, I've still managed to write up a song lineup without re-using any songs from my old lineups. Yes, it's a silly thing for me to keep track off, but I'm still proud I'm able to pull it off until now. This Saturday will be my 6th time to lead praise and worship...

9) I wonder how Ivy's doing. Maybe I should drop by La Salle and give her a visit...

10) Ever know the feeling that you did something you regret doing and don't know anymore how to resume your life now that it's done? I do. I wish I could occupy my thoughts with something else...

11) No more text messages...and no more load...

wow mali...

2006-09-10T20:15:00.000+08:00

Sa entry na ito, nag-desisyon akong gumamit ng wikang Pilipino imbes na yung wikang Inggles. Bakit kamo? Wala lang. Trip ko. Iniisip ko lang na kailangan ko ding mag-ensayo sa paggamit ng Pilipino para hindi naman ako magmumukhang tanga pag kinakausap ako ng mga tao.

Napansin ko lang na nawa-wow mali na ako! Nakakapikon na 'to. Nakakairita. Parang lahat ng ginagawa ko, mali. Parang bawa't kilos at pananalita ko, hindi siya tama. Hindi naman sinasabi ng mga tao sa akin, pero yun yung nararamdaman ko e. Laging may mali akong ginagawa. Gets nyo ba? Naku, 'wag na lang. Basta, ang sama ng loob ko. Ang hirap paliwanagin ang nararamdaman ko e. Ang gulo e! Kung gagamitin ko yung wikang Inggles, sasabihin ko lang na parang sobrang "erratic" ng pakiramdam ko. Minsan, ayos lang ako. Minsan, nalulungkot ako. Minsan, manhid ako. O diba? Oo, alam ko na "moody akong tao" pero...pwede ba...masyadong matagal na ata yung pagiging moody ko ngayon ah. Masyadong marami akong iniisip e. Haaaaay! Kung pwede lang sanang ilabas lahat ng nasa loob-looban ko. Gusto nyong malaman yung totoo? Gusto kong umiyak. Oo. Sobra. Kasi napansin ko na na naiipon lahat ng masamang bagay na nararamdaman ko 'tong mga nakaraang buwan. Gusto ko na 'tong palabasin. Pero di ako marunong umiyak na basta-basta lang. Bihira nalang kung sobra-sobra-sobrang lungkot ko na. Pero sa ngayon...di pa.

Ironic ba? Pag-tinignan mo yung mga ibang blog entries ko, parang sobrang tuwa ko ano? Pagbinabasa mo yung blog, akala mo isa akong tao na walang problema. Haha! Kung pwede lang sana. Pero hindi. May problema din ako. Sino bang walang problema diyan? Magpalit muna tayo ng buhay! Kahit isang araw lang para maramdaman ko naman uli yung tuwa na naramdaman ko nung summer. Iba na kasi e. Okay pa nung bumalik ako sa eskwela e. Happy pa ako nun. Eh ayun. Papatong-patong na bigla yung mga problema at biglang nalunod ako! Ayus ba?

Alam naman ng Diyos kung anu-ano yung dinadaanan ko e. Mas-gets pa Nya kaysa sa akin, kasi hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako sigurado kung ano ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit ganito lagi ako. Alam ko may mga aspeto sa buhay ko na kailangan ding baguhin. Pero iniisip ko kung 'yun lang yung kailangan gawin e. Naguguluhan na talaga ako!

May tiwala pa rin ako sa Diyos. Alam ko hindi niya ako iiwan. Masyado na kasi Siyang ginawa sa buhay ko na hindi ko pwede sabihin na wala akong silbi sa Kanya, kasi alam ko gagamitin Niya ako bilang isang instrumento niya. Gusto ko lang...matapos na 'to...

my thirteenth entry...

2006-09-06T10:19:00.000+08:00

People must think one's marriage is some kind of raffle coupon which is only good for a certain period of time. Hello? I thought it was: "Till death do we part?" Nope, apparently not. Society has changed it into:

"Marriage with (indicate name here) will be valid for two years. Succeeding years will be anulled for future opportunities with other partners. Thank you. Signed: (your name here)."

Right...you must be intrigued to know why I suddenly pop out after several days and this is the first thing I talk about. My morning was greeted today by a news article of the annulment of Willie Revillame. Great! Not that I care much about the guy, but I pity his kid so much. Here's another one growing up in a broken home.

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Welcome to the ME, MYSELF, and I Generation, ladies and gentlemen. It is the generation marked by thinking of only oneself--what I need, what I want, and what should benefit me. Never mind the others who might be so severely affected by the decisions that I make in life. Never mind the friendships that I'd put on the line because of envy and pride. Forget what God wants. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!

Or is it?

My kid brother Nuel reminded me of a scene from Clue, which is based from the very popular murder-mystery board game. In the movie, one of the suspects named Mrs. White was asked, "How many husbands have you had?" Mrs. White answered, "5." (Wow, a modern-day Samaritan woman at the well, isn't she?) Then, she said something that struck me so funny: "Husbands should be like Kleenex--soft, strong, and disposable." Disposable? Given that this movie is a murder-mystery, the word "disposable" obviously connoted that Mrs. White killed every single husband that she had. Talk about her regard for the importance of human life. It's no wonder then that, for the whole movie, she looked like she was dressed for a funeral. What's my point? Well, I doubt that most of us would go so far as to marry five spouses and then murder them one-by-one. The point I'm driving at is that God has given us so much already--our families, our friends, our talents, skills, and gifts--and when we think only about ourselves, it's like we've made his blessings for us "disposable." Bali wala rin ba yung mga bagay na binibigay ng Diyos sa atin? Baka iniisip natin na okay lang sayangin yung mga binigay Niya sa atin. Akala natin na madaling mabawi yung mga bagay na ganito, pero hindi e. Andaming mawawala sa atin kung puro tayo-tayo lang ang iniisip natin. Family should not be treated as something disposable. Nor friends. Nor our skills or talents. The Lord's given them to us. Let's not let them rot in our possession while we're in search of what we perceive as bigger and better things.

"It's all about me." It's amazing that every time I'd think that way, God would have enough patience not to drop some kind of meteorite on me and wipe me off the face of the earth. He'd have every right to. I'm going to admit it right now. I'm not the most humble person you'd meet. And if you'd have emotional x-ray glasses with you, you'd see that I easily get jealous or envious. I'll admit it. It's one of my biggest struggles in life. It's really just a good thing God's just been so gracious to me and has been reminding me gently (by gently, I mean not severely painful but there was pain nonetheless) that it's not about me. In truth, it never has been about me. It's always been about Him. That's what I'm here for, aren't I? To serve Him. To make people see His glory in my life. It's not about me, Lord. It's all about You.

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The Lord revealed something pretty interesting to me these past few days. It was when I was reflecting on the many different times that I badly wanted things, but I ended up not getting them. The thing is, these opportunities that I lost were all one-shot-deals. These were opportunities that will never come back again, and I did not deny my frustrations. The Lord knew my heart. And He told me: "It's not about what you want, but what you are destined for." Whoa! And it's true, I realized. Things that I never expected the Lord to bring out from my life just came out and I have definitely benefited from them. I wanted one thing...He ended up giving something else of more value. Thank you Lord! =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am graduating. It's amazing how fast time flies. It was May 2003 when I flashed my EAF at the guard in southgate. I can still remember the clothes I was wearing then. Blue T-shirt, khaki pants, and rubber shoes. Haha! Gosh...I can't believe that time has really gone that fast. I entered DLSU with no knowledge whatsoever about teaching strategies, about foundations of education, about the inner and outer circles of linguistics, about Noam Chomsky, about parsing, etc. Now, I'm leaving the place with an overload of information, two terms of teaching experience, a thesis that speaks of God's goodness, and a whole bunch of friends who have just made my life great while in campus. Yes, college life was hard, but I won't deny that it was fun!

life is bittersweet...

2006-08-23T22:10:00.000+08:00

It's finals week. In just a few more days, I'll be officially saying good-bye to my undergraduate life. Sometimes, I feel that I don't deserve to graduate yet, probably because my degree program (Bachelor of Secondary Education, Major in English) is only three years long. Well, it's not my fault that La Salle's got a trimestral system. Haha! In other unversities, I would have had to stay a full four years. I already got my course card for ARTAPRE (2.0! How humiliating!), and so I'll only have to get four more cards on August 31.

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I went to U.P. Diliman yesterday and spent the afternoon and early evening with Arneil, Lakan, and Nikki. I enjoyed the time I spent with them. It was especially great to see Nikki again after more than two years. It's just so funny to think that, of all the places we could have met, we decided to do it all the way in Quezon City. However, walking around U.P. campus at 6:00 in the evening was a rather refreshing experience, and it was quite enjoyable to just walk around, cross small streams of water, and talk about anything under the sun. I remember telling Lakan how big a difference it was from walking along Taft Avenue.

Arneil and I rode back with Nikki, and she dropped us off at Ayala. While we were still in the car, we got into a really neat and interesting conversation about what it means to really wait on God's timing for everything. We talked about relationships, about maturity, about prayer, and about religion. I found it so surprising that we were already talking about these things. Back in high school, the three of us had a wacky world of our own where our problems revolved mostly around annoying classmates, nagging teachers, and insane PACE work. In just three years, as I thought about our conversation, I can definitely say we grew up. Yes, we still talk about the crazy times and about the crazy worlds we invented. But now, there's definitely a sense of maturity in all three of us. Amazing how quickly that happens.
I am looking forward to spending my time with them again. I doubt it'll be in U.P. though. We decided to meet somewhere in the middle instead. Glorietta? Hehe!

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I haven't been feeling so good lately. No, I'm not sick. I'm just...glum. I guess life's just started to become a bit of a drag for me nowadays. I guess I know now the difference between happiness and joy. I can show the former, but I seem to be lacking the latter lately. Why? Truth be told, I don't know. I just know my spiritual life's slowly drying up again, past sins are catching up with me again, and I really just feel that my life is losing its worth. I believe in God's grace. I know that He's there for me. I know He's not the type Who abandons you when you so desperately need Him. But then again, why do I feel that He and I are on opposite sides of the fence? Repeating the line that "God is with me." just doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Where's the joy, Lord?

cold turkey...

2006-08-05T00:25:00.000+08:00

Cold turkey (n.)- Immediate, complete withdrawal from something on which one has become dependent, such as an addictive drug (taken from dictionary.com)

Setting: Empty room with a glass mirror. Dimly lit. White walls.
Characters: Robbie (20 years old)
Interrogator (Male voice)

It is around 6:00 in the evening. Rob is seated behind a small metal table. He faces a glass mirror. He can't see who is behind it. He can only see a reflection of himself. He is smiling. Happy. But he can't help but feel nervous about something.

Interrogator: Robbie?

Robbie looks around, looking for the source of the voice. He sees an intercom in the upper right corner of the room.

Interrogator: You can just talk, Robbie. I'll be able to hear you.

Robbie: Yeah, it's me.

Interrogator: Know why you're here?

Robbie: Does it have something to do with my addiction?

Interrogator: Perhaps...perhaps.

Robbie: What do you need to know? I've been clean for three months.

Interrogator: Yes, but you've been thinking about doing it again, haven't you?

Robbie: So what if I have? It's not like I've done it.

Interrogator: Entertaining the thought would just make it worse. You know that.

Robbie: I don't entertain it! It just...well, it just comes out sometimes. But I try to fight it back! I really do!

Interrogator: Do you? Do you really?

Robbie: Yes, I do. So you can just piss off.

Interrogator: Okay. But trust me. You'll be back here. And you won't be as confident as before.

A month passes. Robbie finds himself in the same room, staring at the same glass mirror. He is still smiling, but concern seems to have crossed his face.

Interrogator: Struggling?

Robbie: You wish.

Interrogator: I can see right through you, kid.

Robbie: Well, the temptation came right to me. It was there. But I pushed it away...

Interrogator: Didn't want to get a taste of something you've been missing for so long?

Robbie: No! I've got a lot of people who've started to trust me again. They're one of the reasons why I can't lose to this. I can't let them down.

Interrogator: I see.

Robbie: You should see.

Interrogator: Maybe I should warn you right now that you're fighting a losing battle...

Robbie: No! I'm not! I'm winning it right now.

Interrogator: You'll fall. Believe me. When you come back here, you'll see what I mean.

Robbie: You're nuts.

Interrogator: No. I just know.

Another month passes. Robbie's not smiling anymore. In fact, he looks tired. He has a smile, but it does not convince anyone.

Interrogator: I think you're here to tell me that I was right.

Robbie's smile vanishes. He lowers his head. He feels guility.

Interrogator: I was surprised by how long your resistance was. Your past experiences would last...what? A couple of weeks at most. But this...pretty long. You should be proud.

Robbie: Shut up! There's nothing to be proud of. I gave in.

Interrogator: Yes, sadly. Well, the joke's on you boy. I'm not the one suffering. You are. Just wait till the Judge hears about this. Oh, you are in so much trouble.

Robbie: I know the Judge and He's always helped me out. He's not a tyrant like you always make Him out to be.

Interrogator: Nevertheless, you've broken His trust on you...again! And again! And again! Yes, I know that you don't mean to. But hey! It's human nature. You're here to disappoint others. There's no pleasing anyone. Not even yourself.

Robbie: You are sick!

Interrogator: So are you, kid! Ha! Well, you can rot in here while I tell the Judge...again! Gosh. You are such a loser! Ha! You'll probably be given a second chance again, but how long are you going to pull that off this time?

Robbie: (sighs) I don't know.

~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

When your past seems to catch up with you all over again, you can't help but feel if it's even possible to just throw it away for good.

then and now...

2006-07-08T15:47:00.000+08:00

Judging by how frequently I update my blog, I don't anymore find it a mystery why my highest intelligence according to Howard Gardner's theory is "intrapersonal intelligence." It was Jaga and Micah who indirectly influenced my decision to get a blog...and now, I think I have more entries than both of them. This would mean that I'm either a blog-addict, that they're awfully too busy to blog, or a combination of both. Nevertheless, I guess when it comes to me expressing myself (especially in writing) concerning a certain issue or topic, I almost always have quite a lot to say...unless of course I have no schema of whatever it is that's being talked about.

As I write this, it is almost 4:00. In an hour's time, I will be going to church for our youth service. Ahh...youth. There was that time in my early teenage years when I enjoyed youth because of the really intense praise and worship time. Yes, the praise and worship was full of fire...the messages were great...but my friendship circle wasn't all that big. Hmm...wait. What friendship circle? I think I had more "acquaintances" than friends. Youth would have been the best time...except that I hardly had anyone to spend that time with...

Fast-forward to about six years later...I'm not one of the young ones anymore. Back then, there were always the big people to look up to. Now, I realize that I've already become one of those "big people". I've got a bunch of younger people calling me "kuya" now. I'm no ordinary face in the crowd anymore either. The Lord has called me to be a worship leader in the youth now, and so people definitely know me now by name and face. I've got people who come to me with camera phones in their hands saying, "Picture tayo!" And, best of all, I've got a great bunch of friends whom I can also call my second family.

The "then" of my life parallels the "now", it seems. The first half of my teenage years were years that I would hardly look back at, unless I had a good reason to. Life seemed bland. Friendships seemed to lose meaning. And I found myself alone most of the time. I don't mean literally. I wasn't alone in the sense that there was no one with me. But somehow...I just felt that there were just a few people with whom I would be willing to share things to. In other words, I felt that no one could understand me. College life changed all that, though. For the first time, I felt truly accepted for who I was and not just because of what I knew or what I could do. I learned to open up more. I learned to trust people and to earn their trust in return. Finally, the word friendship carried a meaning.
Friendship took a whole new level with the OWLS. Never had I experienced being accepted by others in the same way that they accepted me. Never. This is probably why I treasure my friendship with them so much. They are truly God's gift to me.
(^_^)

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I am excited. So much has happened to me in the past few months and I feel that I'm being equipped by God for something even greater than what I already have. The jump from being back-up vocalist to being a worship leader in the youth is definitely a privilege that the Lord gave me, but I get this feeling that He just doesn't want me to settle for that. The words that Ate Liza told me during the praise and worship retreat ring in my ears: "I'm sure we're going to see more of you..." Hmm...

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This week is going to be the methodology implementation of my thesis. May the Lord bless my and Lakan's efforts as we complete this requirement for graduation.
It's past 5pm...I'm going to church now...

struggles of the human heart and other matters...

2006-06-20T10:45:00.000+08:00

This post is actually several days late. I had been planning to put this entry before my previously posted one, but for some strange reason, I couldn't finish it...probably because it wasn't time. And you know, it wasn't. But I think now, it is.

I was never confused about these kinds of things before. Frankly, in the past, I didn't even give a damn (pardon the language, but the word captures the idea) about God's ways and direction when it comes to love and relationships. Now...thoughts just keep going round and round as if they were put inside my mom's blender. I marvel really at God's timing, because had I been any younger when these thoughts began to invade my mind, I would have been totally helpless. But I've matured since then, and I think it's about time I've given serious thought to it. Why? Two main reasons. First of, I'm already, in a sense an adult (and I'm not saying that just because I turned 20 just last Saturday although it does make a big impact on me now), and though I haven't yet left the care of my parents, my own responsibility for my actions and decisions has increased. My world is eventually going to get bigger as it will eventually move from school to work, and from friendships to deeper relationships in a short span of time. Second of all, a number of people have been telling me stuff and asking me questions regarding this issue or issues related to it. Talking to these people has left me scratching my head several times and really pushed me to seek what it really is that God wants for each of us when it comes to love and relationships. So here I am now, spilling my own thoughts and talking to myself in the process. I actually find it odd that I should be writing on something like this, but...hey...I'm doing it. Who am I to debate with reality? Hehe...

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love...

Funny that when I started to write this blog entry, what was currently playing in Winamp was the song from Lion King titled, "I Just Can't Wait to Be King." And while I was thinking of what to say, I began to think about the words of this song in relation to the movie. Simba was young, adventurous, carefree, and curious. In other words, his character reflected the character of the typical young man or woman who just wants to live life without any problems and without any responsibilities. His philosophy of being king of the pride lands can be summed up in three words: "Me. Myself. Mine." He looked forward to the power of making decisions and of getting things his way. However, he failed to see one thing. He wasn't ready for that power...not until he knew how to use it in the way that it really was supposed to be used. It was only later on in his life when he fully understood the responsibility given to him by his own bloodline did he fully recognize the true worth of a king.

"Patience is a virtue." Micah once told me this while I was lined up to order food on our way home from Baguio after the youth camp. I told her that the woman in front of me cut ahead of me and couldn't make up her mind on what to order, while the woman behind me apparently got her order ahead of me because the guy behind the counter served her first behind me. Then I added bluntly, "I don't feel very virtuous." I look back at this short event with a chuckle, but it just goes to show how we can be so impatient at times wanting things to go our way. Usually, we see people getting something ahead of us even though we have been waiting much longer than they have. We see people in front of us with the particular something right in front of their eyes, but they can't seem to make up their mind what to do with it, while we stand behind them and say, "Oh for heaven's sake! Let me get that instead!" It seems unfair when we're made to wait...wait...wait...

But what happens if we don't wait? What would've happened if Mufasa told Simba, "You want to rule? Go right ahead!" We'd probably see a different ending to Lion King. Simba would have probably died then and there in the elephant graveyard, Scar would've been king, the whole movie would've been done in twenty minutes, and my parents would have probably demanded for their money back. In other words, rushing things when it's not yet time, when we're not yet ready physically, emotionally, and spiritually, will just lead to confusion of all sorts in our lives. People who get into relationships prematurely would probably not be eaten by hyenas...but they'll most likely be eaten by emotional heartbreaks and problems too hot to handle.

I wonder if I'm making sense here. Maybe I should just sum up what I'm really trying to say in two sentences: God wants you to wait until you're ready. He'll tell you when it's time and He'll make sure that everything will fall into place.

Humans are relational beings. I mean, that's why God gave Eve to Adam right? For companionship. So that he wouldn't be alone. So God definitely knows our need for companionship as well. He knows...we just need to trust Him...

Question to reflect on: Is he/she worth waiting for?

L1, L2, and L3?

Ls? How incredible is that?! Haha! Fortunately, I will not be talking about those particular Ls.\/ (^_^)\/ It just so happens that L is the starting letter for three particularly relevant words: Like, Lust, and Love. Hence, my use of L1, L2, and L3 in naming these three words.

Like: No doubt, every teenager falls on this particular stage: the liking stage. Of course, there's the "like", and then there's also the more controversial "like-like." I'm actually even wondering now if there's even such a thing as "like" to the third degree: "like-like-like." Possible, although using such a term sounds like an American stuttering: You know, it's like-like-like...
Funny, but I have hard time defining "like," probably because its meaning differs depending on the situation and the people involved. The words "attraction", "crush", "admiration", and "infatuation" come to mind. I think nowadays, though, "like" would be most synonymous to the definition: "I saw something in you that I liked, and I think it's drawing me to you into more than just a friendship." (If I got this wrong, drop me a comment...(n_n))
There's actually nothing wrong with liking anyone. It's a given. People will explain that it's hormones and the whole thing is biological, and bla-bla-bla... Liking someone is a natural thing. It's a God-given mechanism in all of us that's designed to move that first step into our marriage with His perfect choice for us. However, we should be aware that liking is only the first step in an actually long process. Liking someone doesn't assure that you'll end up with a certain person. It merely signals an attraction which should be given careful thought. As early as this stage, human emotions are already at play; even if one is only in the stage of liking another, there's already room for possessiveness, jealousy, and impatience among others. So I wouldn't even take this particular stage lightly.

Lust: Just very recently listened to a series of sermons by Josh Harris on lust. Josh defines lust as "wanting/craving for something that God has said 'no' to." If you read his book on lust titled Not Even a Hint, you'll see the same definition. (By the way, I recommend that you read this. Although I haven't finished it yet, it's worth the read.) He has lots of insights on the whole topic of lust, but I think I'll just focus on the definition and God's plan for physical/sexual intimacy.
Lust and love are always confused. Always. Actually, people don't even use the word lust because love is always used to substitute it. Ever saw a movie where the guy approaches the girl he likes and says, "You're mighty pretty. I lust you."? I can't say I have. It's always got to be substituted with love. I shake my head upon hearing the ever immortal line: "You're breaking up with me? I thought you loved me!" to which the proper response is, "No. I was just using you to satisfy lust." Sad. But nowadays, people probably can't even tell the difference anymore because of how the world's just distorted the very idea of what love is, giving the idea that if you are infatuated with this person, you can invite yourself to his/her physical body. In the same way, the world's given the idea that the human body is public property with an invisible sign that says "For Rent." Sad.
"It's a human problem," Josh says. "Not a guy problem." So how do you handle it? One answer: Flee sinful desires. Trying to fight lust is like trying to win a losing battle. It's hard enough not to view things with questionable content; why make the struggle tougher by viewing it just the same and claiming that it's not going to stay in your head because you're a Christian and that you can fight it? News flash! Christians fall for this sort of thing as well. It's a constant struggle people face as they go online, as they read magazines, as they watch movies, etc. Relying on God's strength to help you flee situations that may tempt you to lust is the best option...
Let me just give a deeper implication to how damaging lust can be. The consequences go beyond the physical: AIDS, pregnancy, STDs, etc. It goes beyond the emotional: sex = love formula, the giving of the heart away to someone other than God's intended choice, etc. It even reaches the spiritual: It can open doors that may damage our personal lives. God wants us to preserve ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually for only one person...that is, our life partner. No other. Period. (For other insights on this, I suggest that you listen to the sermon "Rescuing Sex" in www.covlife.org).

Love: Used and abused. The word love. I remember hearing a sermon about love once. According to the pastor, there are three definitions of love: eros (love based on physical attraction), love based on actions or deeds or conditional love, then there's agape or unconditional love. Somehow, I think I've tackled the two former ones already. I want to focus more on agape. Why? Because it's Jesus' love for us. Unconditional.
The foundation of every relationship should be a love that goes beyond "I love you for these certain characteristics only..." We'd be so dead if that's how Christ loved us. I believe that relationships will only stay strong if it's founded on love patterned according to Christ's love: "I love you for who you are." Christ loved us because it's His nature to love us. We didn't do anything to gain it. He freely gave it to us.
Love. It's really so sadly abused. In fact, it's so abused nowadays that the marriage vows are merely seen as a routine, and not as a pact between husband, wife, and God. It pisses me off when I see or hear two people pledging to be there for each other 'till death do us part...and then breaking up a couple of years later before remarrying a couple of months later. If the saying "'till death do us part" were really true, then people would be dying all over the place...
Romance. Kilig moments. Hearts and cupids. Love? I don't think so. Expressions/symbols of love maybe, but they do not define love. True definition of love? Jesus. Maybe if we understand more about His love, we'd be able to understand love between husband and wife a whole lot more.
Protect love. It's not just a word...it carries more weight than we realize...

Question to reflect on: Lord, is my relationship with a certain person(s) based on mere liking, lust, or the genuine love that You show?

To the readers of my blog: This is merely a regurgitation of thoughts in my mind. I cannot guarantee that what I've written here is 100% accurate. In fact, you don't need to agree because I'm not forcing you to. You can have your own opinions, your own thoughts, and they may contradict mine. No problem. I am merely writing this down hoping that it would hopefully help some people and even myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been some months now...and the Lord has given me strength. The struggles may still be there, but I'm so grateful to God that He speaks to me during those times...I guess it's true...It really shouldn't be by our power, but by the Lord's strength and Spirit.
But I have to give the credit to some people out there. You guys have encouraged me unknowingly to throw it away, and I have. I pray that it's gone for good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Sunday, my family gathered around and proceeded to bless two people in my family: my Dad, because it was Father's Day and me, because I just celebrated my birthday. I guess I can only say that, after hearing what was said that night, I really just love my family. I wouldn't trade any of them for anything else in the world. In fact, if it weren't for them, I wouldn't be who I am today. So I'm truly grateful. I love you Mom, Pop, Kuya, Ate, Kuya Niks, and Nuel! I thank God for each of you.

different? yeah i hope so...

2006-06-15T20:32:00.000+08:00

"SET APART. That's you.

You don't labor for your own name.

The life you live is for His cause.

STANDARD BEARER. That's you.

You bear the colors of the cross.

You are the REALITY of Jesus to this generation."

Thank you, Nikki, for this really inspiring and thought-provoking quote. You couldn't have timed it any better when you sent the text message to me.

To the faithful readers of my blog...I'm back! Yes, it has been more than a month since my last entry. A number of really important and newsworthy events have happened since the April 22 concert. I made several attempts to make an entry where I enumerate the different summer activities I spent with the fellow OWLS and with my family (overnights, trips around Baguio, gimmicks, youth camp, etc.). However, I found myself always struggling to get the right words out. They say that if you stop writing, you end up having difficulty trying to start again. I think this is why this particular entry is a product of five previous attempts to keep the flies away from my already decaying blog.

You might be wondering why I found Nikki's (or Monica, for those who are more familiar with her being called that) text message so thought-provoking. Two words: SET APART. Or, my own translation: BE DIFFERENT. Different in various aspects of life: how we react to our problems, how we talk and relate to others, how we respond to tempting and compromising situations, etc. In other words, being set apart reminds me that I am a Christian, and what I do should not equate itself to what the rest of the world does. And let's admit it. It is so darn difficult to live up to the saying "set apart." Why, the world is just so fond of luring young minds (and old minds, for that matter) into it's big ugly mouth of sinful living. I look around and realize that the thought of knowing Jesus doesn't immediately assure you that you're free from sinful living. I'll be honest. Christians are still so capable of engaging in pre-marital sex or other forms of sexual impurity. Christians are still capable of swearing. Christians are still capable of cheating, lying, gossiping, and slandering. Christians are still capable of prejudice. They are still capable of so many outward actions that can easily tarnish Christ's image in their lives. Why? Because it is our very nature. We are all sinners to begin with. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." (Romans 3:23)

But then...that's no excuse, when I think about it. Isn't our salvation in Christ, the righteousness that we have in Him, His Word, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit our own weapons in resisting the desires of our sinful nature? I believe they are, and when we go ahead and give in to our sinful nature, we neglect these weapons that the Lord gave us to keep from falling back to our old ways. The Lord has equipped us with everything that we need to pursue a life different from that of the world, but it won't help much if we don't even bother to use what he has given us.

In two days, I'll be leaving what is termed "the teenage years." I am no longer going to be a teenager on the 17th of June. I think back to the almost twenty years of my life and reflect: Lord, have I set myself apart? I know there were times when I did, and other times when I did not. Living a life "set apart" for Christ has and continues to be a struggle for me. Why? Because of my wanting to fit in with the crowd-- show them that I know how to have "fun," show them that "hindi ako others." Or because of the excuse, "He's doing it too, so why can't I?" But, hey! Are we getting the favor of men here in the first place? No, we're not. And I doubt that God's plan is for us to primarily get the favor of men in the first place. Our priority is God, not man. And yet...how easy it is for us to forget that...

I don't think being set apart is the same thing as being exclusive. Exclusivity connotes something negative: it's like saying you do something intentionally to stand out, and it's usually with an effort to gain a reputation. Being set apart, on the other hand, means "thinking of what Jesus would do," because we have been called to live our lives His way and not ours. In the end, being set apart doesn't mean standing out for ourselves, but rather, projecting more of Christ in us. He should be increasing and us, decreasing.

Having said all this, I have a goal now set for me. I want to be different. Set apart. May the Lord guide me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dear OWLS...things have not been easy since after the youth camp. We've had, and we will continue to have certain struggles in life. But rest assured that if God is for us, the world can do nothing against us. Absolutely NOTHING. As some of you continuously tell me that we'll go through this, I can honestly claim that now. We may not have the favor of men, but we have the favor of God. Just a thought that Mom shared to me: When you feel the attacks of the enemy, it can only mean one thing...he sees you as a threat. (I like how that sounds...^_^) So, at least we're reassured of one thing...we OWLS are giving the serpents a hard time.

one band...one sound...one God...

2006-04-24T07:34:00.000+08:00

April 22, 2006: I guess that I can only describe "Adore. Desire. Testify." in one word, and that is the word: "Wow!" Indeed, God really just works in such mysterious, yet incredible ways...

It was just so amazing to see how the events leading to the concert just unfolded in front of my eyes: how I heard from Jaga that there was a plan to push for a praise and worship concert; how we got the approval of Kuya Bobot and the core group; how the triplets spent two hours selecting a song lineup; how I spent awesome bonding moments with the members of the band; how decisions and sacrifices were made for this concert; how I personally saw my own spiritual growth as well as the spiritual growth of my co-OWLS; how we planned the shirt design; how we carried out the practices...I could go on for much longer, but I'm sure that whoever reads this would get the picture. Things just worked out in the way that God wanted it to work out: in a way where we would not look at our own abilities or skills, but we would just recognize His goodness and give Him all the glory. There's no denying that there were some complications and problems encountered along the way. Micah and Jaga had throat irritations and for some time were unable to sing, arrangements for songs and band had to be changed, publicity of the concert was not taken care of until later on, there was still the habit of coming late for practice, and I was not around for the last practice before the concert. In other words, the preparation for the concert was an ultimate test of patience and humility for all of us as we learned that in order to really give God our best we had to be united as a team, recognizing what we as individuals can and cannot do and how much our own God can do.

That Saturday, I went to church early to see my fellow OWLS who were part of the VBS. Before leaving home, I told my Mom that I was having a bad headache--one that had been around since Thursday night. We knew right away that it was no ordinary headache, but an attack from the Enemy himself. So we prayed to the Lord for my healing and my protection, as well as the concert that was to take place that evening. The headache disappeared when I was in church, and it didn't show up during the time that I was in ATC with Janine, Migs, Erica, Dino, Marc, Anton, Jade, and Arthon. However, around 3:30 that afternoon, while Janine, Anton, Dino, and I were at Marc's house playing Casino, I began to feel heat all around my face as if I were coming down with a fever. I thought at first that it was because of the heat of the day, although it seemed odd because Marc's room was airconditioned. So I just washed my face with cold water and prayed that I would feel better. During our last soundcheck and quick dry-run, I was starting to get disoriented and I always forgot to signal the band. I was starting to feel so uncomfortable already because I felt I was messing everything up. Cholo was there and he was reminding me to signal to the band, and I thought to myself, "I know all about that already! I've done it before! What I don't get is why I feel so messed up I don't seem to be able to do anything right?" It didn't help to know that we were almost an hour late already. When we got to the music room to pray, I asked the members of the band to pray for me again and I told them that I was really feeling bad and that I was already shaking uncontrollably. I felt tired and exhausted, and I knew that it was the Enemy's work again. I had been anticipating an attack from him, but I had not expected it to come on the day itself, and so I really just lifted up my condition to the Lord as well as the whole concert.

We started 7:30...an hour later than what was originally scheduled. As I stepped onto the stage with my fellow OWLS, we felt the Lord take control of the entire event. The power of God just seemed to show up and emanate through each musician and through each vocalist. I cannot describe much more about what happened then, but let me just say that the experience was beyond words. We all know it.

The moment the last chord was played and the last note was sung, I knew for a fact that the Lord won the battle that night. Just like that, my feeling of discomfort and physical weakness completely disappeared. I stopped shaking and I just felt renewed with God's strength--I was back in tip-top condition! As we stepped down that stage, we knew that the victory that night was ours and the Lord's.

After the session, there was a rather long and tiring pictorial session as parents and friends crowded around us with their cameras and acted like the paparazzi. As we huddled up in the stage, confused yet laughing since we didn't know which camera to look at first, I felt the strong bond existing in our group. The OWLS are not limited only to a small number now. The OWLS have now gained a lot more additional members, and I just can't wait to see how much more we can do for Him!

"One band. One sound. One God." This is the motto of the Obedient Workers for the Lord's Service (OWLS). And it is my prayer that we will continue to reflect it in our ministry as the youth praise and worship team. We are one band, playing one sound, and glorifying one God.

My fellow OWLS, both old and new, let me just thank each and every one of you for playing such a significant part in my life for these past few weeks:

To Anton, Dino, and Ralph: Being in your company these past few weeks has just been so fun! I know that it's only been lately that I actually started talking to you guys, but thanks for just allowing me to share those great "popcorn-and-mango juice moments" with all of you! Continue to rock for God!

To Marc: Your shirt design rocks big time, dude!! Thanks for finding the time to do it, and for really just showing your enthusiasm for this team. Oh, and thanks for keeping me alive with your sense of humor! God bless you man!

To Jade: I am always so overwhelmed by the kind of love you show to our Lord and also to the members of the OWLS. Thanks for just being such a blessing to me. Oh, and thank you so much for helping us get the shirts made! Love ya!

To Erica, Pam, Vini, Nesa, Patrick, and Diegs: The people whom I see as my own younger brothers and sisters...It is always inspiring to see young people your age just giving glory and honor to our Lord! May you continue to grow in Him. Love you guys!

To Philip, John, and Niko: It's too bad that you guys weren't able to be part of the concert band, but it doesn't change the fact that you guys are definitely OWLS! I'm really looking forward to serving God with you guys!

To Migs: I am so grateful to you for exerting so much effort in helping the band prepare, not only for the concert, but for every single service that we play and sing in! May the Lord just reward you tenfold for everything that you've done for us!

To Janine: After long last, you finally came into the picture again! I had not seen you in ages! But it's a good thing you showed up, since you got to be part of the awesome experience! I hope to see you more often now that you're back with us.

To Kuya Bobot: The wise old OWL! The moment I shared to you the experience that we had during the praise and worship retreat, I knew that you would be so instrumental in just building and teaching this young group of musicians and servants of God. Thank you so much for your patience, love, and encouragement for each one of us. We are just so grateful to you for every bit of help that you gave and continue to give us. Thank you also because, in addition to being like an older brother to us, you show concern to us as a father as well. Love you so much!

To the members of the core group: Thanks for allowing us this opportunity to serve God through praise and worship. It is also our desire to see the youth of our church on fire for the Lord!

To Micah and Jaga: My fellow triplets! The project that we have prepared and prayed for has finally come to an end. I thank God that he gave us the privilege to be His appointed worship leaders for the concert. When I think about it, there was hardly ever a time when we three didn't have something common to do! No amount of words can express my thankfulness to God for the extremely tight bond that I feel with both of you! During these past few months, I felt the three of us go through each of life's trials and difficulties together, as well as through each fun and memorable moment. The times that we spent together were always just too short, even if we went out these past few weeks so often already. There is no denying that what we have goes beyond a typical friendship or partnership; what we have is a sibling relationship tied by God's grace and love. You two will always have a special place in my life. Love you both!

Guys, this is just the start of the awesome work that God has planned for all of us, not just as a band but also as His individual servants. Always adore Him, desire to know Him, and testify about His goodness in your lives. May the Lord always continue to guide and protect you all in your endeavors. God bless you OWLS!

I end this blog entry by saying one more thank-you, and that is, of course, to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Lord, thank you for choosing me, a mere human, to be a part of Your great work. I am forever in awe of Your love and goodness. I am Your servant! You are my Master! Praise you Lord God! Hallelujah!

the "O" word...

2006-04-10T07:23:00.000+08:00

In our last youth praise and worship service, Ptr. Doy talked about decisions and their consequences. This got me to think about the decisions I and my fellow OWLS made this past week and about the consequences these decisions brought. I'm not going to go into specifics, but I know that each one of us has gone through a specific "obedience" trial these past few days.

Obedience. Probably one of the toughest words existing in the human vocabulary: easy to say and pronounce, but very difficult to actually do. How difficult is it to obey? Depends? Yeah, I suppose that would be the most reasonable answer. It's easy to obey when what you are told to do would hardly require you to lift a finger. But what about in situations where you are told to make sacrifices? What about situations where you feel tempted to do something wrong? What about situations when you feel that authority figures just don't seem to get the picture? Totally different situation, huh? Kinda makes me wonder about the obedience of people like Jeremiah, Moses, Paul...even Jesus himself. I mean, come on! They had tough lives (actually, tough would be an understatement), and yet their obedience to follow God and obey His commands doesn't fail to amaze me. How many people are willing to live a life of "hell on earth" just to do what the Authority tells them to do?

For the past few days, I've been thinking about what OWLS stands for: Obedient Workers for the Lord's Service. The first word strikes me hard. Obedient. What did I mean when I came up with the word "obedient" as one of the words for our group? Let me first explain how the word came to be part of it in the first place. There aren't much adjectives that begin with the letter O, and to come up with the appropriate "O" adjective for a team of anointed musicians and singers is not easy. What word to use then? Opposing? No, that would be totally wrong! Outstanding? Mm...not quite. Okay? Heck, who uses "okay" for a group name? Then it hit me...obedient. Perfect. After all, being an OWL means being a servant of God. How can one be a servant of God when one cannot be obedient to God and follow His directions?

So what does it mean to obey God? It's not as simple as saying, "Doing what He wants us to do." Truth be told, obeying God is tougher than obeying our own parents (or any other authority figure, for that matter). Why? Because obeying our parents is just one act of obedience to God. It says in Ephesians 6:1: "Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." In another verse in the Bible, it says to "obey them that rule over you." So, if it's hard to obey human authorities, then obviously obeying God would be so much more difficult, wouldn't it? Because if we disobey those whom God placed to be our authorities, we are, in effect also disobeying Him. This is why I said obedience is just so hard to do during certain situations. We have that desire to obey God and to do what He wants us to do, but then, circumstances just arise that make us want to go for the easier way out.

Let me now connect it to what I said earlier about decisions and consequences. To obey or disobey are decisions we make in life. And, as Pastor Doy said, every decision has its own consequences. And we have to admit, more often than not, the consequences of our decisions do not always appeal to us. And I'm not talking only about the consequences of disobedience. Sometimes, the consequences of obedience may not always be to our liking. But then, does it really have to be all about us? I realize that it's not about us; it's about God. It's about Him being glorified in our own lives. It's about Him reigning in our own lives.

After looking at the obedience perspective of servanthood, I figure being a servant of God is so much tougher than what I first perceived it to be. I remember the story of Saul in I Samuel 15, when he was rebuked for disobeying God by sparing the king of the Amalekites and by sparing the best of the livestock for a sacrifice to God. The words Samuel said, "To obey is better than to sacrifice." seems to just speak so strongly to me. I can't help but think, "Yes, sacrifice is good and it is pleasing to God. But then, I think what matters to God more is an obedient heart." When I think about it in terms of my ministry in the praise and worship team, I think to myself, "Yes, to offer praises and worship to God is a good thing. But, have I been obeying Him and actually living according to how He wants me to live?" It's actually food for thought...

I think it's a good thing that the first word in the name OWLS really is the word "obedient." It serves as a reminder to me, and to all of us I think, that before being workers in the Lord's service, we have to be obedient to Him.

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Only a few more days to go before April 22! The excitement is reaching fever pitch, and we still have two more sets to practice. Also, a week from now, I'll be going to Antipolo to attend Ted's camp to be a vocalist. I have a busy April to look forward to. Thank God that He's opening more doors for me, not only to develop my talent in singing, but more importantly, to serve and glorify Him!

face to face...

2006-03-31T09:43:00.000+08:00

I'm actually busy doing something at the moment, but I wanted to include this in my blog. It's a song titled Face to Face...

FACE TO FACE

I call to You
O God Almighty
I seek Your love
Your joy and Your mercy

I run to You
O Prince of Peace
My hope is in You
My comfort and ease

(chorus)
And I wanna see You face to face
'Cause I just long to give You praise
I want to stand before Your dwelling place
And worship You for all of my days

"Oh Lord, I love You," this I'll say.

I turn to You
The Great I Am
I know that I'm safe
In Your loving hands

And I look to You
the King of Kings
I'll serve You alone
Above all things

(back to chorus)

I wrote this back when I was around fifteen or sixteen years old. It's just a simple poem, but I meant for it to be a song. I still remember the way it was supposed to sound like...as if I had just recently composed it. However, because I don't remember how to read notes, I don't know how to read chords, and I don't know how to play a musical instrument, I couldn't put anything else except the words...

I look back at this song and I treasure the words that I wrote because they express a great desire for God that I never had until recently, when the Lord revealed Himself to me in ways that I cannot describe. I love my God so much. And eventually, when that time comes, I will definitely see Him face to face...

That's pretty much it. Just wanted to share this. :)

pensieve...

2006-03-29T12:18:00.000+08:00

For those who read Harry Potter, you'll know why I titled my latest blog entry as such...I'm just going to plunge into my memories and thoughts simmering in my mind...thoughts and memories that have wanted to be set free for a number of weeks already...So forgive me if this particular entry shows a neglect of coherence in my part. This is free-writing...

First of, this has got to be the most restless term in my entire stay in college. I'm blaming it on the fact that I never got to enjoy summer vacation last summer because I was required to take classes in Curriculum Development and Guidance and Counseling...haha! All of my hard-working attitude has steered away from my school-work and has focused instead on my ministry in church. As Jaga told me, we have the tendency to have an academic low during a spiritual high. Of course, any person would say, "You still have to balance it." I know that. But what I'm just saying is that it is something difficult to do. I'm a kind of person who likes to think about one thing at a time, and not an overload of things at once. Overloads make me cranky...

Thank God practicum is over, and for all my hard work, Ms. Eda gave me a 4.0! I'm not going to be boastful, but considering all the work and efforts I put on this practicum, I have to say that I thoroughly deserved that 4.0 grade...

No matter how much I refresh and edit my second blog entry, the font just doesn't seem to change and match the sizes of the fonts in my first and third entries...I wonder if there's something about my second entry that the Lord wants it to just simply stand out among the rest...either that or this blog is playing tricks on me...

I'll have to say that, for a first-time-ever play by my alma mater, Saul of Tarsus actually went pretty well. And I'm going to admit that I noticed performers who stood out during the play because of their stage presence and/or acting performance. It's about time that the school actually focused on tapping the students' artistic and theatrical skills-- something that was really lacking during my time as a student...

Speaking of that Saturday (March 18), I was so happy that I got to spend the evening with Marc, Jade, Erica, Jaga, and Micah. The time we spent with each other watching Saul of Tarsus and cheering (or should I say "hooting") for our fellow OWLS--Pam, Vini, and Philip--is just too valuable to forget. It was just sad that we couldn't have dinner together as a team because it was already late and the younger OWLS had to go home. It wasn't a total loss, though. Even if the other OWLS weren't with us, Jaga, Micah, and I decided to eat dinner at Pizza Hut and talk about certain matters regarding the youth ministry. It was an enjoyable time and I (or rather, we) didn't want it to end. But eventually, we had to part ways--my brother was waiting for me and Micah's and Jaga's folks were waiting for them. I guess it was during this evening that I had the confirmation of a close friendship between the three of us, something like what Jonathan and David had...

April 22...This is the scheduled date for the Praise and Worship Revival Concert. I'm looking forward to it for several reasons. First, I see it as the ultimate event that will tie the youth praise and worship team together, something that we feel is needed. Second, I am hoping that, as theme itself states, it will be a revival--a spiritual explosion that will just break down all barriers and just allow the youth to focus on the one Person who deserves all the glory and honor. Third, which is just trivial, is that I'll get to be a worship leader. This was something that has been a desire of mine now that the fire to serve God has been ignited once again...

Selecting a lineup is so hard...it had been a while since I did it, so when Jaga, Micah, and I decided to meet up last March 21 to select the songs for the lineup, I guess I was just so grateful to God that I had free time on my hands that day. It took us more than two hours to pick out a tentative song lineup. But it doesn't matter. I think the time I spent with Jaga, Micah, and even with Jabba during the earlier part of the evening was worth it. I'm really thankful to God I was given the chance to spend some time again with two of my closest friends...

Now that I'm more involved with church work, I'm seeing the need to live a bit closer to the church...

I love UNLIMITXT...but it's not enough...I still use up my load so fast...

My golly...all my pants don't fit as well anymore...they're all so loose! I guess this is what results when you miss meals for several days because of your practicum . Now I'm left with two decisions--either I eat a lot to gain back a little stuff in my waist or I buy myself pants with a smaller waistline...decisions, decisions...

Themes for the past few days: Friendship and Teamwork...

I can't wait for summer...

I want to go to EK...

more power...more of You in my life...

2006-03-06T16:44:00.000+08:00

I hadn't expected things to turn out the way they did, but they have; and I am just extremely excited to find out what else will come my way!

After a great Spirit- and fun-filled time at Tagaytay Haven last February 24-25, my friends and I left the retreat unaware that in just a matter of days, we would be experiencing an intense fire burning so deep within all of us! And, ladies and gentlemen, it is happening now. A fire so strong and so great that we are still so amazed by what it's doing in our lives at present. My friends and I have formed a team known as the OWLS. Actually, it started out as a description for people who just didn't know when to go to bed during the praise and worship retreat. Now, however, the name carries significance to all of us. OWLS can mean a lot of things, but I personally feel that the best description for us would be "Obedient Workers for the Lord's Service." Why? Because, in all honesty, that is what we are: servants of the Lord. And that's no small thing! Being servants of Jesus Christ is the greatest honor that I can think of. And I am honored to know, with full confidence, that I am one of them.

It has only been a week since the retreat in Tagaytay Haven, but if you could just see our reactions when we see each other in church, you'd think we hadn't seen each other for months!

I cannot speak for my fellow OWLS (they're probably experiencing God in a different way), but I can speak for myself. In just one week, my life has completely changed. COMPLETELY. First of all, I just have to have my devotions every morning now! I used to be so lazy to have my devotions. Now, I'm just so hungry for God that I look forward to opening my Bible and taking notes with a pencil and paper. Yes indeed! Big change! Want to hear more? Well, I've never heard the Lord speaking to me before in the same way He is speaking to me now. Yes indeed. I sent some text messages to the OWLS last week, but these were messages that I had never sent to anyone before. Heck, these were messages I never wrote before. And yet, when I sent these messages, they were overflowing with the Lord's power. I knew from that moment on that the Lord was speaking to me in such an awesome way... and He continues to. Yet, another change in me is that I am impatiently looking forward to worship times in church (both youth and in the afternoon service where I'm a backup vocalist)! I used to do this more out of obligation and because of the fact that I can sing, but now, it's just a heart of worship that's driving me on!

I am convinced that the Lord is about to use the OWLS in such a powerful way! I'm prophesying it right now. We are going to be used in such a tremendous and awesome way that I'm going to be so surprised and overwhelmed when I see with my own eyes what we'll do in the very near future! So to my dear OWLS (Vini, Micah, Jaga, Jade, Erica, and Pam), get ready because we're going to be used as instruments for God. Our lives will never be the same...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Saturday, my favorite and only sister was released into womanhood. What does that mean? Well, I don't know exactly. But let's put it this way. She has been officially blessed by my parents, us, and her friends with the blessings that the Lord would want to bestow upon each and every one of His children. She has now been given the blessing of my parents to pursue her dreams and find the man that the Lord has planned for her. I was teary-eyed after the whole thing. Even though I had to give up 3 hours with the OWLS for this, I soon saw why God the Lord made it clear that he wanted me to spend those 3 hours with the rest of my family and see how my sister's life was changed forever. It was just disappointing that I had to give up one good thing for another.

for some reason, it's never been the same...

2006-02-28T10:06:00.000+08:00

You know, after all that has happened in the last few weeks, my life has never been the same. It all began the day Richard Capili died. It's strange. I didn't know Richard personally (I only know his face), and yet, the impact that he had in my life is surprisingly strong. I think it was the testimony of his life and his service to God that has really affected me in a way I never thought possible.

Servanthood. During the praise and worship retreat, the Lord impressed upon my heart the message of servanthood. What does it take to be a servant of God? Is it easier said than done? Two songs came to my mind regarding servanthood. The first one was from Kids' Praise! called, "Make me a servant." On a whole, the message of the song tells me to stop looking at myself all the time, but to think about other people. It tells me to forget my pride, humble myself, and offer a helping hand to those who need it. In other words, make myself available. I'm not just talking about serving God in the praise and worship ministry, but in every aspect of my life. The second song, "I'm your servant," is a song that we sing in church and I've always loved that song (especially when we're able to blend the tenor and alto parts with the melody: beautiful!). It talks about total surrender to God, telling Him that I am willing as His child and servant to do what He wants me to do for His glory.

I have to owe it to my friends in the praise and worship ministry as well for contributing to the changes in my life that I'm experiencing at the moment. They may not be aware of this, but when I saw their passion in serving God and their commitment to Him, I was greatly "infected" as well. Okay, I'll admit it. I have, for some time now, been somewhat a lukewarm kind of Christian. It seemed as if I was only on fire during the afternoon service (and the youth service whenever I went there), but stale as dry bread the rest of the week. I rarely had my personal devotions, entertained sinful thoughts, swore, and just complained when things didn't go my way. I'm not going to boast that I'm a total saint, because I'm not. It's like I just put up a front when I'm in church so that other people don't see my rottenness inside.

However, after being in the praise and worship ministry for almost 3 years, it's only now that I see how powerful the ministry is in changing my life. Little by little, I saw that these people in the ministry with me (especially the back-up singers) are people whom I can really talk to about my problems, especially since they're going through similar situations. In the same way, I saw myself being used by God to be a channel of blessing to everyone. Before I knew it, I was sending prayers to my friends, blessing them. When I went through a trial in my practicum, I immediately texted my friends asking for their prayers. Little by little, I was starting to realize that I can't do anything myself. There will be a time when I have to ask others for help, and to rely on the Lord to get me past my difficulties.

For these past weeks, my faith has been tested, and it will continue to be tested. Last Sunday, in my prayer request, instead of the usual, "Lord, give me strength and guidance in ______________," I prayed for something totally different: "Lord, direct me in all I have to do in my schoolwork." Direction. I've always considered the end product, but not the process. This time, I did not ask God to bless me with strength or favor, but with direction, because it apparently is what I have been needing for some time. And not just in my schoolwork, but in my whole life.

What point am I driving at? Well, it's pretty hard to explain, but somehow, my eyes have been opened more and more to the powerful and amazing work that God is doing in my life. What is this work? Well, it's still hazy to see at the moment, but I can already feel His presence so much more now in my life. And, would you believe it, it really began to happen the moment I heard about the kind of life that Richard lived. I really wish I met him and got to talk to him when he was still alive. Well, I know I'll see him again. It's just a matter of time and a matter of place.

I'm starting to look forward to the weekend, not just because it's a break from school. I'm looking forward to serving God and singing to and for Him.

I suppose Micah will be delighted to hear that I'll try to regularly attend the youth service again. The Lord has called me back there because I know he has plans for me. In the words of Samuel in his youth, Lord, let me say, "I'm your servant. Here I am!"

i just have to write this down...

2006-02-26T13:30:00.000+08:00

After coming from the Praise and Worship retreat yesterday, I got the urge to create my own online journal (although i'm also going to have to blame peer pressure as responsible for influencing me to make my own blog. haha.) so that I could look back at what happened and remember how much fun I had. While my memories of the retreat are still fresh in my mind, I'm going spill out everything that I can remember--the games, the jokes, the messages, the testimonies, the bonding moments, the mealtimes, and the worship sessions--from those two days which have become so meaningful in my life. And I'm not exaggerating. I really felt such an intense feeling of warmth and acceptance from all those who were there, something that I don't normally experience.

I woke up last Friday, Feb 24, with the announcement ringing in my ears that there was no school because of an attempted coup. At first, I was pretty frustrated by the fact that the announcement came too late. Had it been earlier, I would have gone to the retreat site with my friends from the youth and pm service. Then, Kuya Bobot texted me and said Tita Ruthie could wait for me at the church and that I could ride with her. I jumped at the opportunity. I was overjoyed when I found out that I still could make it to the retreat site (Tagaytay Haven) that morning.

I got to Tagaytay Haven a little past 10 am, I think. It felt so good to finally be there and to see all my buddies. I had been looking forward to this retreat for a long time.

Well, there was not much time for chatter. Almost immediately, Kuya Bobot announced the start of the first activity, which was a race. We had to first collect a number of items listed in a piece of paper. It was a good thing we had Tita Ruthie in our group. She seemed to have everything in that purse of hers. In the end, I was just able to contribute one item: a receipt for my tuition fee payment. In the second station, we had to make a cross out of a whole sheet of paper. We were given a pair of scissors and the instructions that we were supposed to make only one straight cut with the scissors to make the cross. It took us some time to figure out how to do it, but Tita Ruthie managed to figure it out in the end (She was the most active and competitive of us all). After the origami (?) challenge, we cheered Patrick on to collect 20 marbles from the swimming pool (had I known, I would have already worn my swimming trunks then and there), before proceeding to the rooftop to inflate and tie balloons which kept on flying away (Kuya Bobot has a picture of me clutching about 6 balloons in between my arms and legs to keep them from going anywhere). This had to be the funniest of all challenges, especially since Micah started developing muscles from using the pump, and that Vini seemed to able to blow up balloon's much faster with his own breath than Micah could pump air into the balloons! Come lunch, we were all tired, hungry, but excited and looking forward to the day's events.

Later during the day, our speaker Bro. Roy, shared with us two inspirational messages. The first one was on teamwork, where he used the context of the eco-challenge to drive at his point. The second was on time management. The second was especially significant to us, particularly for those in the afternoon praise and worship team, because, I'll admit it, we usually start practice late; and even though we manage to finish before 5:00, I feel that we as a team could have put more effort into our practices had we started earlier. Besides, as Bro. Roy put it, how you manage your time is a reflection of God and how you regard the Lord in your life.

After dinner, we had a really marvelous praise and worship time with Kuya Bobot leading us. God's presence was just so intense and refreshing that I didn't want it to end. Our speaker, Ptr. Padim, gave us more insights on what it means to work as a team.

Earlier that day, my friends and I planned to go swimming at 10:00 pm after the worship service. Well, it pushed through, despite the insanity of it all (the weather was freezing and so was the pool water). That was probably the most memorable time for all of us. We stayed in the pool for about two hours, but I didn't swim as much I wanted to because I got cramps on both legs (sucks, huh?) and was unable to go into the pool for some time. But it was okay. I was able to swim again later on. After swimming, the others went to play a little basketball (what stamina!), but I went to take a bath for fear of catching hypothermia (haha!). Well, to make the story short, I slept at around 2:30, while my friends stayed awake until about 5:00. The next morning, I felt refreshed while my friends were all..."sabog."

I was supposed to wake up at 6:00. I ended up waking up at 7:00. I immediately got up, had my devotions (while wondering also "Why do I feel like I was by myself the whole night?"), and went to have breakfast. We were supposed to have a session at 8:00, but because of certain "stuff" we ended up having it at 9:00. Well, there was some praise and worship, then some members of the pw team shared their testimonies, me included. And I got some really great insights from this session. First of all, it really is true when they say that "God looks at the heart, not at the talent." Puts me in mind to what God told Samuel the time he was supposed to anoint David as king. I've always seen the truth about this, but I guess the Lord reminded me about it and made it clear to me that I am his servant, not a performer. For another, I got to appreciate the members of the pw team more, especially Kuya Bobot for the time and efforts he gave and continues to give for all of us.

I guess the biggest insight that I got was from what Ate Liza and Ate Glo said about me. I had not expected them to say what they said (I was even surprised that they said anything), but I sensed that God was somehow speaking through them to me. Sure, in a way they were complimenting me, but I felt so sure that God was somehow speaking to me and telling me, "There is something that I can do through you if you'll allow Me to." Lord, show me your will.

After the session of testifying and blessing, we had lunch (I took a bath first, which was sort of a mistake because nauubusan ako ng caldereta) then we left for church. I rode back to church with my friends in the church van.

Well, I'll leave it at that for now. I'd still want to include details about Richard's tribute service, but I'll save that for another time.