Random Thoughts

I drink Limca because I like it ! ! !!!!

2010-03-08T16:57:00.003-06:00

So, I finally got the "Enlighten Up" movie from Netflix last week. I had read about it in the yoga blogosphere a LOT and was very curious to watch it myself.

So, this lady, Kate, who is a yoga lover/devotee of sorts thinks that yoga can transform any one. She finds her guinea pig in Nick and puts him on the yoga path and follows him around and asks him during the journey ( that takes him to NY, California, Hawaii and all the way to India ), "Are you transformed yet? Are you transformed yet?". Well, not exactly like that :)

Nick and Kate analyze, dissect the styles and teachers of yoga. Nick gets frustrated, Kate sheds a few tears ( I believe ). For what? Nick's so called transformation! which is nowhere to be seen on the horizon. Then in the grand finale of the movie, he figures that he needs to deal with the complicated relationship and different influences from both of his parents. We are lead to believe that, it is his transformed self but I just kept thinking that Nick is just homesick in a colorful, vibrant country called India.

I did not see the whole point of making this movie in the first place( or may be I just missed the point completely ).

Why discuss it to death? I remember an old commercial of a soda( Limca ) back home in India. I do not need to explain to anyone why I drink it. I drink Limca because I like it!

I practice yoga because I like it.

PEACE

What is Meditation?

2010-02-04T08:24:00.002-06:00

Some times we grown ups unnecessarily complicate things and make it sound too complex. I have to share conversation I had last night with my 6.5 year old dear daughter who will be addressed as DD in the rest of this post.

I was reading a newsletter of a meditation studio and DD was right there sitting with me.

DD: Mommy, what is meditation?

Me: It is sitting in silence sweetie.

DD: And think about what?

Me: Actually try not to think about anything at all. Just enjoy the silence.Enjoy the sound of silence.

DD:It sounds tough

Me: Yes indeed.Mind is the most difficult thing to control.It is running in thousand different directions all the time.

DD:So, meditation means to just give your mind a little break, right mommy?

Me: WOW. I wish I could have put it in such simple terms.

New Year New Opportunity

2010-01-29T22:49:00.005-06:00

Its been a long gap since my last post.

Initially there wasn't much too share(its not like I won Nobel prize and did not share it on this space) and then I got lazy :(

But I am just coming back from a meeting at the brand new yoga studio that is opening up here in Coppell,TX on February 1st. The name is "STUDIO 108". The couple who own the venture Kim and Eagan have a beautiful dream and a vision. I am grateful for the opportunity to teach at their studio. Teaching according to me is a continuous process of learning too. One evolves as a practitioner of yoga, and as this happens the teaching too might change. It will change with the way I will evolve and transform; and here I am targeting for a positive change,change for the better.

I am scheduled to teach on Monday evenings in the beautiful earth room. Painted in hues of green and brown. As you can guess I am pretty excited about this new development. I do sincerely believe that opportunity presents itself when one is ready with open mind.

I am also excited about my trip to India in June/July of this year. I plan to take yoga classes with my favorite teacher Abhay in Pune but once I arrive in India things sometimes go a little crazy and I lose control over my schedule. Some times, I just think it would be nice to go to India like any other westerner and go about my own yoga adventure and just visit all those places I want to visit without meeting anyone. Linda, if you are reading this, I am sooooooo jealous of you right now. It would be nice to visit my own country like a tourist, without expectations or judgments. It would be nice not to feel embarrassed looking at the begging kids at traffic lights or not to feel ashamed when I see a traffic cop taking some vitamin M for not writing a ticket. India trip every single time is extremely stressful, but that would a whole another blog. For once I want to feel contended about India trip. May be some day, I am an eternal optimist!

Right now I would like to focus on the short term goals. teaching a yin yoga class on Monday at Studio 108!

I like this year 2010 so far. I see only good things on the horizon. Here is to new beginnings...

Saying good bye to 2009

2009-12-31T14:46:00.002-06:00

Arriving to this space after a long gap. The last post of this year. Days just keep crawling but years fly by. Time to reflect on the past year.

It has been a year since I became a"yoga teacher". Taught a private class for over 7 months.Started teaching at the town's activity center twice a week. That is a very good experience.I am not sure where it will be going after a month. The attendance has been not very encouraging. I have 1-3 students on an average but at times had 10 people in the class. Have not heard a negative feedback yet or no one has left the class half way through. but same is the case with classes taught by veteran teachers and I had been warned about it. But, when you are a new teacher it is hard not to take it personally. The classes may get cancelled as soon as February of 2010.

But surprisingly enough,I am pretty calm about it. I am feeling a certain peace and confidence that comes from a knowing deep within that everything is PERFECT just the way it is and it always will be. I am ready for whatever is in store for me.

On the job front, things were slightly shaky since August. There wasn't enough money to pay us all on time and in full.But, I am really fortunate to be working for a wonderful human being who instead of letting us all go one fine day,actually let us in on the situation. This is kind of place and people you feel like sticking with. I kept my resume updated and was browsing the job sites but never actually applied to any job. For some odd reason, I just could not get myself to do it. That little voice in my head was stopping me. The scene now is much better. we are getting paid in full and I see new exciting things happening. Hope 2010 brings all the good fortune to our little company.

I have stopped making any resolutions long back but like every year I hope I can De-clutter my mind and make space for new beginnings. I recall something I read somewhere that if you harbor negativity,anger and hatred then bliss and happiness will dock somewhere else. And I am not going to let that happen.

My arms are open and so is my heart for the joy, health and peace that 2010 will bring in.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL.

My Yoga is better than your Yoga - Part 2

2009-10-28T15:49:00.003-06:00

The Yoga Saga Continues....

Here is the email that I received from Yoga Alliance just a few minutes ago. Need I say more?

Just sit back, relax and watch the drama unfold..

Dear Dhanashri,

It has come to our attention that a Mr. Govinda Vishnu from Pasadena, Texas, is contacting yoga studios and schools throughout the country, both YA registered and unregistered, implying that he represents or acts on behalf of Yoga Alliance. We understand that persons contacted by Mr. Vishnu are told that the type of yoga they teach is not a pure form of yoga, is a violation of YA'sCode of Conduct and that YA will be bringing a lawsuit to close their studio or school.

Yoga Alliance has also been advised that Mr. Vishnu claims to represent an organization named Gitanjali International, which he claims is the supreme authority of yoga and the only official yoga registry in the United States, Canada, South America and Europe. He further asserts that if those he contacts do not comply with his demands he will bring legal action against them.

Mr. Vishnu is not affiliated with Yoga Alliance in any manner. His unwelcome and misleading communications are of deep concern to us. We are exploring our options with law enforcement authorities in Texas and at the Federal level regarding Mr. Vishnu's statements and threats.

Should Mr. Vishnu make contact with you please contact me on our toll free number 888-921-YOGA (9642) to report the incident, and should you feel threatened by him please contact your local police department.

Sincerely,

R. Mark Davis
President & CEO

My YOGA is better than your yoga

2009-10-16T18:31:00.004-06:00

I have been following Linda's yoga blog for a few months and have been reading a few other yoga blogs(American) along the way.

I see a lot of things written about the yoga in the west . There are arguments and counter arguments. There is actually a debate going on about American yoga, the branding of yoga in different styles.

I could not stop laughing after reading a comment on Brenda's blog post . The commentator mentioned that during a discussion after a yoga class a gentleman(who is from India but living the USA for over 20 years)said that

“You Americans make everything so dramatic! It’s only stretching.” I really agree with that comment, about dramatizing things. Sure YOGA is much more than stretching, as you go deeper in your practice, you move from just the asana practice towards more meditative aspects of YOGA. But the key is, as a teacher, one should be able to dilute the YOGA dose at the level of one's students. Giving students the knowledge they are ready for, gradually.

If a YOGA class does not involve pranayam or meditation session it is still YOGA. Just like explaining kids about an apple falling from a tree is physics and teaching astrophysics/ nuclear physics to Ph D students is still physics.

I grew up in India, attended YOGA classes taught by my Aunt, by Iyengar teachers too. I came across couple of different styles of YOGA but never ever witnessed any such arguments/discussions/debates about YOGA not being YOGA just because teachers do not give a dose of spirituality. There wasn't any kind of one-upmanship. There were no lulu lemon yoga clothes(now this may be a case of sour grapes, since I simply can't afford those :), but on a serious note, even if I had disposable income I would not feel comfortable wearing those things ).Forget the fancy YOGA clothes, I had not even seen a yoga mat back home.

When I voiced my opinion on Linda's blog post, she said that because in India, yoga is just yoga, there is no need to make it sexy. SO, all this debate/discussions/style/formats/philosophy of yoga just to make it sexy? Who would have thought! Can't really argue with that one. Let the saga continue…To each its own!

Wish I had no regrets

2009-08-09T08:12:00.000-06:00

Last week had been quite busy at home. It was the last week of my parents visit. My younger sister also was visiting along with her husband. We had a full house. Lot of talking(even snapping at each other), lot of cooking, lots of eating out, lot of shopping.

The last few days of parents or in-laws visit are always hard on many levels. I wish I could say that their trip was really nice and very memorable in every respect. They really had a wonderful time and they are looking forward to the next trip already. It would be really nice not to have any regrets about my own behavior with them in past 7 weeks. Sadly, it is not so. Sure they enjoyed their visit. Sure I enjoyed getting a break from cooking, cleaning, bathing and dressing up kids etc. But, in my heart I know that they were not exactly happy. I used to snap at them for seemingly insignificant reasons. It must be really trivial things because I do not even remember any particulars of the various incidents. They are my parents and I know they will easily forgive me and wont hold any grudge whatsoever. But that does not take the guilt away.

I keep on analyzing my behavior and in theory I completely agree with my husband that our parents are not getting any younger and we have to let go of the little annoying things that they do or say. It is not possible for them to change themselves at that age. We have to adjust and accommodate . I think I know all the theory of it but just have a hard time putting it in practice. When I try to adjust and accommodate and try not to snap and yell, I tend to go in my own shell and become aloof. So, when will that time come when I can HAPPILY, CHEERFULLY adapt to my surroundings?

I want my family to get the BEST of me and not the worst. I DESPARATELY need to learn to put others need before my own needs. I need to learn to let go of all the sarcasm, bitter and hurtful comments , self centered attitude and practice LOVING KINDNESS.

I am at the starting point right now and hope I never ever come back to the square one.

Blame Game

2009-05-28T15:29:00.001-06:00

I ( very enthusiastically ) enrolled my dear daughter(will be referred to as DD here after) for the dance class. She started going without much complaining. I had to go with her of course and sit there for an hour and watch the class , keeping my younger one's activities and noise level down while the class was in session. In just a couple of weeks my enthusiasm level was considerably low. Its just pain to take the kids to different activities and sometimes push them to do all those things. I had to nag my DD to get ready in time for the class, nag some more to practice dance at home. She did not even practice once. Pretty soon I started dreading Thursdays. Then I thought of giving up the dance class. I asked my DD if she would like to continue and she did not show any interest. I made up my mind and called the teacher and pulled her out of the class.

One of my close friends got extremely upset at my decision. She is of the opinion that I should just push her a little and continue with the class. She also said that I am pulling her out just because I hate to drive every week to the class. I agree in part that I really do not like that chore. But at the same time I also know that had my DD shown even slight amount of interest and enthusiasm then I would have taken her to the class every week.

DD is happy about not going to the class anymore even though her 2 close friends are going(YEY she is not giving into the peer pressure, might be a nice thing in teens). For her the best part of the class was taking the "ghoongroos" off! I still do not feel at peace with my own decision. Should I really push her a little more and make her go? I don’t know what I am worried about. I certainly not the fact that my friends may judge me based on this. I have been giving it some thought. It took me to my childhood in Pune.

Me and my sister used to go for "bharatnatyam" dance class. We may have gone for a few months before calling it quits. My sister said that she did not like to do the steps that teacher taught and wanted to do her own steps.(That's EXACTLY what my DD told me, talk about history repeating itself). A few years ago, I was talking to my mother about our childhood and hobbies etc. I do not have a single recreational activity or talent like singing, dancing, playing any instrument or any other arts or crafts thing. During our conversation I blamed my mother about it and told her that she should have pushed us a little harder and made us go to the class even against our will back then. That way, today I would know some art form. My mother did not defend herself and just took the blame.

That brings me to the conclusion that I must be afraid of my DD growing up and blaming me for not knowing "kathak" dance.

I have come a full circle indeed!

But where do I go from here? May be I can enroll her again after a couple of years if she shows any interest again. For now, I just enrolled her for swimming lessons. That should take the guilt away for a while I guess!

And most importantly, I have to say this out loud, "I am so sorry Aai(mom) for blaming you".

Enjoying Food

2009-05-10T20:10:00.000-06:00

Wishing all mothers a very happy mother’s day, like a friend says, that means mothers of babies, toddlers, teens, adults, cats, dogs, squirrels, and any other domestic animals you can think of. Hope you all enjoyed the special treatment and attention showered by your kids and their fathers incase kids are very young.

I was promised a breakfast in bed for which I waited patiently in bed until 9 this morning but there was no sign whatsoever of any one waking up to make that happen. So, I made my own tea and enjoyed it in complete peace and quiet.

Last couple of months my yogasana practice was very little. But, I think I am back on track now. I attended a class led by Ricky this afternoon. He always asks for special requests. A lady suggested to include poses which help in detoxifying, as many people must have had heavy mother’s day lunches/brunches. It was great class with sun salutations along with many twisting postures and backbends on popular demand. We all practiced a couple of pranayam breathing techniques as well.

I kept on thinking about that ladies request for specific poses and all such requests in the past during holiday season. We all celebrate festivals and special occasions by enjoying delicacies and indulging in our favorite foods. But why do most of us not just enjoy it without feeling guilty. Why do we feel the need to work it off the next day? When we enjoy our food with all our senses I feel that we get satisfied by eating even a little amount. You look at the way your favorite dish is served, how nicely it is presented. Smell the aroma of food. Touch your food with your fingers(don’t the little kids look blissful while playing with their food and making a big mess. In India we eat our food with hands; I believe it must have some such reason behind it). Savor the taste, chew slowly enjoying every bite. If we eat with complete attention and by involving all 5 senses then we are unlikely to overindulge. Our bodies will let us know when to stop. We all work hard, take up multiple jobs basically to satisfy the basic need for food. But we have forgotten to enjoy it.

We need to work out to keep our bodies fit and healthy. No arguments there, but it should be done for that reason alone, not to work off extra calories. When we practice yogasanas our focus should not be burning calories but staying with the breath. When we eat, our focus should be on enjoying food and nourishing our bodies and not thinking about whether to include pushups during sun salutation to lose the extra pounds. It just brings us back to being in the moment and witnessing. As we become observers more and more the extreme behavior fades and we slowly reach the golden median.

I am not there yet but I plan to stay on the path. I have taken another step in the right direction. I cooked a nice dinner of rajma(red kidney beans), paneer makhani(cottage cheese cooked in creamy sauce and spices) to celebrate mother’s day. Enjoyed each and every bite to the fullest, absolutely guilt free.

An account of wednesday evening

2009-04-17T07:15:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went to the hindu temple to listen to "Parmahamsa Nithyananda" talk about Patanjali's yoga sutras. he spoke about 16th sutra and everything related to "Vairagya" . "Vairagya" is not detachment but transcending from both attachment and detachment.Another concept he tried to hammer in was that there is no logical connection between the object/person/thing experienced, the person who experiences it and the experience itself. All these 3 are independent of each other. In other word, if I eat a sweet and get a certain joyous feeling, it is not going to be consistant. I keep on eating 10 sweets and the experience of joy may turn into something not so joyous anymore. Same thing holds tru for person. When we are in love, we like everything about the person we love but the experience changes over time inspite of the fact that 2 people involved in a relationship are the same. We all need to understand this fact and try not to hold on to any specific kind of experience which make us happy or try not to run away from things that cause negative feelings. It was an inspirational discourse.

Afterwards there was a BIG line for energy darshan(I am not sure what one is supposed to feel or say at those since it was my first. They told the audience to ask for any healing if needed.) I did not ask for any healing(since it was very crowded and everyone got about 3-4 seconds with swamiji) but my heart was praying for my father to be healed from rhumatiod arthritis and my mother-in-law from her knee problems. I did not want any healing for myself since there is nothing to be repaired with me at this time. But oh boy, I came back home feeling sick! I called in sick today and did not go to work. My throat is hurting and so are my ears. So much for healing :)

May be just that my mind was not open and receptive. Who knows. But I remember the joy and excitement I was feeling while driving to the event. I expected to be feeling even more elated returning and I guess it was the opposite of my expectations. I guess it all boils down to practicing no expectations and no judgment.

I shared this account with Sue Chadwick(I attended the meditation workshop led by her last month). She told me not to view this as a negative result of that evening. I will quote her word below which really brought tears to my eyes.

"Some times after these spiritual gatherings, we release "stuck" energy or karmic seeds that must be released so we can reach Higher states of consciousness...."

May be I am over analyzing everything. It could be jsut that somethign is going around and I caught it from the crowded temple that evening.

Life, Death and Life After Death - diffeernt Cultures and different beliefs

2009-04-10T20:57:00.004-06:00

Just in the last posting I mentioned the blog that I came across about past life regression. It talks about life, death and what happens after death. Irrespective of whether one believes in the things mentioned it does make you think about the life you are leading. The reason I like the blog and in particular the posting titled “Pre birth choices”(http://goinghomeshubhayeri.blogspot.com/2009/03/pre-birth-choice-and-agreement.html) is that it helps put things in perspective. Shubha wrote in that posting

Whatever happens to us in our life, happens because we chose it as a challenge with the confidence that we will overcome it and grow and evolve from that experience.

We NEVER choose impossible targets for us, just tough ones.

When unpleasant things happen then the thought that this is happening to me simply because I wanted it to happen to me for some reason, gives strength to get out of that situation. It helps you to analyze and figure out what lessons you are meant to learn from it all. It is a powerful idea and concept which truly can help us evolve spiritually and become a better person.

I went to see the “King Tutankhamen and the Golden age of Pharaohs” exhibit this afternoon with my husband and kids. The exhibit was amazing. It was fascinating to see the artifacts preserved in such good condition. It was hard to believe that those exhibits are over 3000 years old. It was very interesting to see what kind of things were put in with the mummies for their comfort(?) in life after death. Jewelry, ointment jars and even board games were stored in the tombs. There are and have been so many different cultures and beliefs in our world. I grew up in culture where people believe that all the material possessions cease to be of any use after death. We are soul and we just have the body. Our wealth and precious belongings don’t really count then. The only thing that counts is if we are learning our lessons from this life.

Power Of Positivity

2009-04-03T17:43:00.003-06:00

After a long silence here is an attempt to revive the blog.
My yoga practice suffered quite a bit last month. There were plenty of excuses but I know that they were excuses. The one thing that keeps me going is my one private class that I teach. I put my heart and soul in teaching that class and really look forward to that day every week. I got another student for a couple of weeks but after attending first 2 classes she decided to part ways. I am actually feeling quite alright about it. It was getting a bit challenging to teach a 14 year old and a 78 year old in the same session. Suggesting modifications to each and every pose was not a problem for me but I think when the levels of participants is so different in a semi-private class none of them feel that they are getting the personal attention. I am learning about the challenges of teaching as I progress in my path.
Why would I want to teach a 78 year lady plank pose or head stand? I would rather have her practice a different PRANAYAM every time along with a few stretches, meditation and SHAVASAN. So now I am back to my one and only yoga student. No complaints though. I am happy about this opportunity.
I also got hired by the local community activity center and currently on their sub list. I have to sub for a friend in next week. That was on the teaching front.
I had the opportunity to attend a wonderful meditation work shop at the studio where I practice. It was “Ananda, Dallas” Sue Chadwick conducted the workshop. She was very warm and approachable. In the first session we talked a lot and she taught us all “Hung-Sau” technique of meditation. Meditating with so many likeminded people is beautiful experience. In the next session Sue spoke about accessing our calm energy at will. It is so important to use affirmations. Replacing each and every negative thought with a string positive thought can change our lives around. The power of one’s own will is truly beyond imagination. I wish to someday learn the “Kriya yoga”. When the time is right it will happen for sure.
I also stumbled upon the book “Heal your life” by Louise Hay when we visited my cousin during the spring break. Though I could not finish the book during our stay, whatever little bit I read reiterated the power of positive thinking and affirmations. I was very amused with the section in her book which charts the probable cause of illness/disease and which affirmations help in curing them. The woman has cured her cancer without surgery. I am not a big fan of self help books but reading the author’s own life story made a big impact on me and I had to pay close attention to what she is trying to say.
I have started reading “Autobiography of a Yogi” once again. It is one of those books to which you can go back time and again and find something valuable each time. I also came across a very interesting blog a few weeks ago, a very amazing, amusing, intriguing and puzzling at times too. It is spiritual in nature and talks about life after death, past life regression. If you are interested please visit the link below.
http://goinghomeshubhayeri.blogspot.com/
That will keep you occupied until next time.
Later.

Silence Please...?

2009-02-20T17:11:00.000-06:00

I have not felt like sharing much lately. (Noticed that this blog post started with negative sentence…not good, hum).No specific reason really. I have been reading, doing yoga, meditating (not every day though), doing chores, cooking, doing pretty much regular day to day mundane stuff but not feeling like communicating much. I was analyzing it in my mind but did not really discuss it with anyone until it was brought to my attention by none other than dear husband.(Aah! how I can always count on him to point out things which are just not right.).He seemed to think that I have become less communicative, more angry and depressed because of perhaps yoga and/or meditation. I plead guilty of being less communicative for sure but do not necessarily agree with the other two. Nonetheless, it made me think long and hard about it and at least ask myself some questions.
I am no longer the happy cheerful person that I once used to be. It is not as easy for me to make new friends as it once used to be. I find myself craving for peace and quiet all the time. I know peace is not being in a calm and quiet place with no noise or sound of any kind but on the contrary it is being amidst of all the chaos, noise and hustle and bustle and still be perfectly calm within. A person practicing yoga and meditation should be or ought to be oozing with energy and enthusiasm, happy and cheerful isn’t it? The person should be full of love and compassion.
I am not saying that I am cruel, hateful or other negative extremes but I am not a picture of tranquility either. I should be putting a lot of effort in trying to understand the other people’s point of view and have an open dialog instead of avoiding to deal with them at any level. Make it a point to open up and talk about my feelings and what I have been thinking about with people who I know truly care. When having a conversation with friend or relative, pay close attention and really LISTEN to what they are saying instead of just nodding and appearing to be attentive while being completely in a different inner world of my own. Get more involved in life and spread joy around which will give me joy in return and make me that person I once used to be.
Practicing yoga and meditation to find the inner bliss does not mean that cutting yourself from the world and living on an island but actually making your world blissful by spreading the joy around.
“Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you!”

Out in the YOGA world

2009-01-22T17:08:00.001-06:00

The New Year is already 3 weeks old. The initial excitement of completing the teacher training has died down. The next logical step is to teach yoga. It is not as easy as it sounds. Newbie teachers like me are dime a dozen. Everyone is trying to find their niche. Yoga studios want to hire more experienced teachers. It is completely understandable considering the amount of money the studios charge their members. The members need to get their money’s worth. I also heard from a few teachers how teaching in studios is more stressful for the same reason as compared to teaching in a health club or community fitness center. Health clubs are the most suitable (in my opinion) for Newbie teachers like me to get their feet into. I also thought about teaching yoga to kids in Montessori schools in the area. I approached only one school and the first thing they asked me was if I had any special certification to teach kids. I thought teaching kids though it will be hard in terms of having patience but considerably easy as it will be mostly a play time and sort of a fun physical activity. I and my cousins were doing yoga growing up in India with my mother, my aunt and nobody thought if it was “safe”. Even in the yoga class where I learnt from my Iyengar teacher, there were lots of kids in the class having a blast. I guess I am now in a different culture where people need the seal of approval from some authority, there is fear of being sued and hence the lucrative business of insurance. Getting any kind of certification in yoga is SO expensive. I think I am going off the track here…that could be a topic for another blog.
Another hurdle is learning to market yourself. In India we say that there are 64 art forms, I guess we have to add marketing as the 65th. We live in the internet era so a web presence is of utmost importance. Creating a website, deciding on the domain name, shopping around for web hosting, there is no end to it. Even if you care about teaching yoga and nothing else, you still have to do it all and play the game.
All I have done so far is creating a flyer for yoga class. I did give my first audition the other day at the community activity center of flower mound. It was a small class with 5 ladies. I enjoyed teaching them. I am grateful to my teacher Jasmin who helped me get that audition. I don’t want to aggressively start teaching. I would rather focus on the one student I have right now and give her my best and most importantly dedicate to my own practice. I believe that existence will take care of the rest when the time is right.

Absorbing It All

2008-12-16T20:42:00.000-06:00

Last week was very busy. It was last weekend of training. On Friday we did our last freedom practice for about 45 minutes or so. Almost all of us used that time to practice the VINYASA class that we were going to teach the next day. I was taking it extra easy and being nice to my left hamstring. I could feel a positive energy in the room. Everyone was in high spirits. My mind went into a flashback mode and landed on the Friday evening on September26Th when we all started with our training. That night we heard the word freedom practice for the first time (I know I did!). When Sloane told us to do the freedom practice we all kind of looked at each other and started doing whatever we felt like doing. But the freedom practice on last Friday of the training was something unique and very special. We all started flowing. We came a full circle!
Exam went well and everyone scored an “A”. Sloane gave a big hand written review of our practical exam to each one of us. She said some nice things about my accent which was nice. I always feel a little self conscious about my Indian accent, not sure if people are understanding what I am saying or not. But, Sloane’s remarks put me to ease.
The class I taught started out with 5 minutes of meditation. It was my job to relax my students who were nervous about the exam (my students were my fellow trainees). The sandalwood incense sticks help set the mood for the class. I started out with kapalbhati. I spent a little longer in warming up before going into 2 rounds of traditional sun salutes followed by 2 sun salutation B. I included sequence involving a lunge, prayer twist, pyramid poses and another small sequence with eagle. In the closing postures I taught locust, bow and janu-sheershasan. To me, it was big challenge to put it all in just half an hour. I hope the class was balanced and not too much of just one thing.
Reflecting on the whole training, I enjoyed the weekend when we all attended the Beryl Bender Birch workshop. I really enjoyed the freedom practices. In the last month, we all took turns and taught each other sections of the class which was very enjoyable. Everyone got their turn to teach centering, warm-up, sun salutations, sequences and closing postures. The parts that I did not quite enjoy in the training were hours spent on anatomy. Remembering the names of those muscles was scary!
Now that the training is over, the main focus will be shifted on getting a few teaching assignments. I am not planning to leave my part time job as a software developer at all. Let’s hope I get to teach what I love to practice. I noticed that we don’t really practice pranayam apart from UJJAYI breathing. I would love to include any one pranayam technique in every class I teach. I don’t know if that is going to be practically possible. Until then I can enjoy my day dreaming.
I plan to start reading the “yoga sutra” book written by my great grand-father more than 40 years ago. My mom mailed me that book from India last month. I have not been able to read it yet. Every time I open the book I start feeling too proud to read it calmly. All the time I was growing up, copies of that books were in our attic (yeah, you read it right.). I vaguely remember my great grand-father. He was 6 ft. tall, light complexion and bluish-green eyes. All features quite unusual for Asian Indian. It is amazing to know that he used to practice yogasanas for 4-5 hours at a stretch. I never spoke with my mother about him. Its only now after I started taking yoga more seriously that I started asking questions to mother about him. That book I have is a token of my family heritage. I do not think that I will ever be able to read it with an unbiased mind. When I visit India next time, I am going to spend a lot of time talking to my mother and my aunt about their grand-father.
On a closing note, I would like to write about a funny but thought provoking incident. We went to hang out with our friends after I finished my training and got excellent score. I said to our friends that they were talking to a registered yoga teacher. The very next morning, Ira, my 5 year old told me that she heard what I said to my friends and that she was not proud of me as I was boasting. I was too stunned to explain to her that I may have been just too excited! I am sure my daughters will keep my feet firmly on the ground.

2008-12-06T11:19:00.003-06:00

The above posture taught me a lesson yesterday. I hurt my left hamstring trying to get deeper into the strech in order to inflate my ego...
Lessons to remember:

Never go beyond your limit.
Be mindful while practicing.
Remember that my left leg is not exactly like my right leg.
It is OK if I can not get a picture perfect pose.
listen to your body and NOT to your ego.
Be happy with the body you got.
Do NOT try to be someone or something you are NOT.
Apply a little china gel.

This is the last weekend of your training. Next weekend we will have a review and our exams. I am not ready for thetraining to end just yet.

From Learning to Teaching: A Paradigm Shift

2008-11-19T12:46:00.001-06:00

All these years I have been a yoga student. I have been a yoga student in India and learned from various teachers. To begin with I learnt from my maternal aunt who follows the KAIVALYADHAM style and philosophy. I learned from Abhay in Pune who teaches the Iyengar style. In the USA, I have practiced only in health club and lately in a yoga studio where it has been mainly VINYASA flow.
Unconsciously, I have registered the things a really like about all my past and present yoga teachers. I recall how I felt during and after the class with each of these wonderful yogis and yoginis. Thinking about all my yoga teachers from past and present helped me write the paper that was a part of our coursework about qualities of a yoga teacher. I remembered having a lot of fun in Abhay’s classes even though they were challenging. I recall how my aunt is creative in her yoga classes and can just show you number of helpful poses for little aches and pains and discomforts without making one feel like attending a class. It happens so naturally with her as if we are just hanging out together doing our favorite activity. I love the balanced feeling after Jasmin’s class; totally adore Mary’s creative sequences. Love how Sloan has themes for each of her class. Ricky says some wonderful things about yoga as a philosophy which we can ponder upon. At times though his classes seem a little too yang for me, very cool and impressive performance but totally unattainable in this lifetime! At the health club, I like Adriana for her quality of demonstrating how to do the posture and also demonstrating how not to do it. Dawn had nice easy going class, she used to bring her lesson plan written on a piece of paper and referred to it once in a while during class but that did not seem to me like she was novice and didn’t know what to do next. I could still feel the warmth and dedication in her teaching. Amy had wonderful poses for us to practice but she always seemed a little distant and indifferent, a little unapproachable to me.
The important thing is that being a student will teach me how to be a good teacher.
I did conduct a KARMA class on Sunday morning at my place. Initially 7 of my wonderful friends were keen on taking the class but finally 3 attended it which included my dear husband. I included sun salutations (traditional, A and B). Taught them warrior poses. I also included a lot of hip opening postures I went little over an hour, forgot to play the music. But, hey, it’s allowed. I am just beginner right now. I will get it eventually I am pretty sure. I got some wonderful feedback from my friends. I am listing the feedback as well as my reflections after the class.
1. A teacher should set expectation at the beginning of the class
2. A demonstration by the teacher with students just watching and not doing helps
3. A teacher should tell the benefits of the pose they are teaching (what’s in it for me).
4. Assisting them physically is helpful as they may not ever get it right by listening or watching the teacher. (I got a pat on my back for this one)
5. Selection of poses should be level appropriate so that students get a sense of achievement and not get totally discouraged.
6. A teacher should suggest modifications to all poses to make it easier or harder.
7. Not everyone knows the muscle names so instead of telling muscle names teachers could simply name the body parts eg. Front/back thigh muscles, neck muscles. Saying muscle names and synovial fluid function may impress some students about teachers’ knowledge but some may think of it as just showing off.

From a student’s perspective, I believe it is most important to figure out if the teacher genuinely wants to teach in order to share his/her knowledge and/or passion. If you are honest, hardworking, compassionate and dedicated, it will come across without you having to make any effort.
In the end, only growing or decreasing number of students will tell you if you are a good teacher or not.

Opening Heart and Diwali Festivities

2008-11-05T12:17:00.001-06:00

Right after the Nutrition focused week at training, we started with Diwali(The festival of lights) celebrations at home.
No prize for guessing that my resolution to cook and eat only healthy food went down the drain.
I made "Besan ladoos"(gram flour, sugar and clarified butter) and they turned out well. My little ones too ate and appreciated them.
Otherwise it is really annoying when I make some desi goodies and my daughters just refuse to even taste.
MIL made chivda which was nice too. Diwali was during the weekdays so we all had to rush through the celebrations and rituals in the morning.
I still have some issues I need to work on regarding embracing my husband's family rituals as my own. It tells me that my heart isn't open wide.
Surprisingly this week at the yoga training we studied the seven chakras in our body and had to take a chakra test to determine which ones are underactive or overactive.
Even before taking the chakra test, I knew what the likely outcome was. It's just that I need to open my heart towards some people in my personal life. I guess my answers to the chakra test were based on my behavior with some close family members that I do not very well get along with. I have a feeling that I am open, frank and embracing in the outside world but I need to cultivate that in my personal life. I need to learn to get along with everyone.
For those of you interested in taking the test click the link
www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/chakratest.php
After we studied the 7 chakras, Sloan taught a intense Chakra class. She incorporated all the poses to open all the chakras starting at the root chakra.
She caught us by surprise when she made each one of us get in the front and teach and talk about a chakra. I was the first person and hence I covered the “mooladhar (root) chakra”. I just had the rest of the group practice tree pose on both sides and the “moola bandha” (root lock). I hope it went alright.
On Sunday, we focused on eastern and western anatomy. I know I do not have any trouble with the Sanskrit names but boy will I have trouble saying the names of all the muscles and bones and joints!
Sloan also went over assisting students in different postures. We are going to have to assist either Jasmin or Sloan for 7 hours. I did my first assist with Jasmin who herself does not touch or assist much during the class. She focuses more on just demonstrating which is cool. After I got over my initial nervousness, it went smoothly and I also got a positive feedback from a yogini in the class which is encouraging.
Coming back to Diwali celebrations, we had a rocking Diwlai party at a friends place. Everyone got a yummy dish and some sparklers for the kids. We all got an opportunity to show off our fancy Indian attire. I chose to wear the green saree to open that heart of mine :)
Now that my in-laws have gone back, I have to run my own house after a long gap!
Not to mention all the homework that has piled up. How can I afford to spend so many hours blogging and reading my favorite blogs? So bye bye, until next time!

How purple Am I?

2008-10-23T10:48:00.001-06:00

Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody.

In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think.

And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends.

You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that.

What Color Purple Are You?

I saw this link on one of the blogs I visit regularly.Was curious about it. They have plenty of other fun tests. Check it out!

Nutrition, Alignment and Power Yoga

2008-10-20T14:40:00.001-06:00

The title above sums up my third weekend of yoga teacher training. This weekend was by far the best one so far. I learnt so much and worked hard and still enjoyed every minute of it. We discussed the book by John Robbins named “Food revolution”. The book is really good and states plenty of benefits of going vegetarian.

The book gives ample statistics as well has some really heart warming stories. He talks a lot about how animals are treated in these factory farms, what they are fed and their hygiene, the cruelty level in order to reach the profit level intended. The one line that hit the spot was “America is a protein obsessed nation”

I was born and raised on vegetarian diet and started eating meat on a regular basis (chicken, fish and deli style turkey) more or less 10 years ago (after I moved from India to USA). The book was such an eye opener that I cursed myself for the way I ate for past 10 years. We also learnt about deadly hidden ingredients in seemingly harmless foods like nuts and even cereals. After reading and the lecture on Friday I was so overwhelmed that I did not know what to do to fix it all. I just wanted to fix my mistakes quickly. I was really obsessed. Something just took over me I guess. I went home and lectured my daughter, argued with my husband and basically forgot the fact that I had just reached an important destination in my own journey. Everyone has to take their own course and reach their destination on their own. There is just no point in forcing my ideas on anyone else. All I can do is just being a good role model and hope my near and dear ones reach there sooner rather than later.

Every time we meet for the training we always do freedom practice for half an hour or so. This time we focused on detoxifying postures. Everyone incorporated different twisting poses, back bends, pranayama techniques into their practice. We spend a good amount of time learning the correct alignment of some of the basic poses like Tadasana(mountain), adho-mukha-swanasana(down dog), chaturanga-dandasana(low plank/low push up) and urdhva-mukha-swanasan(up dog). Alignment is I think the key to success in yoga practice. It gives you the maximum benefits of the pose avoiding any injuries.

I was very excited about Sunday session with BERYL BENDER BIRCH. She was the first person who coined the phrase “power yoga” (along with Bryan Kest). The workshop was from 9 to 12 in the morning. It started with a lecture. Beryl spoke about awakening oneself, awakening our true nature. It is so silly the way we all associate our identity with things like our net worth, how smart our kids are, which city we belong to, which car we drive. It is hard to detach ourselves from these things. How it makes us happy and proud when people speak nice things about any of the above mentioned things. How it affects us negatively when people around us start talking about the same things in poor light. We forget that those things are not us. We are separate from it. We all need to work towards it. It is always easier said than done. Being undisturbed or unaffected by outside world and errors of others is the hardest things anyone can do. The trick is how quickly we catch ourselves building negative emotions due to external stimulus.

Listening to Beryl was pure pleasure. She was very sweet and compassionate. She seemed very grand motherly. Kind and gentle!

We practiced power yoga for next 2 hours or so. I had heard the term when I was in India. I was sort of scared of it. Thinking God knows what these people in the west practice in power yoga. I had judged it as some new crazy western fad yoga without ever making any effort to know what it was. I am feeling a little embarrassed to write this.

After doing it I realized that it is just good old yoga poses. No matter what style or what names they have, underneath it all it is all the same. Some people do it to get workout, some do it as a therapy while some do it to get peace of mind. Important thing is that lot of people are doing it. More power to them!

After the workshop we all ate lunch at this cute vegetarian place called “cosmic cafe”. The food was great. They offered variety of menu choices. We need more restaurants that cater towards the vegetarian crowd. It won’t happen unless being vegetarian is considered cool.

We get next weekend off. I am really happy about it as we will be celebrating DIWALI at home. Until next time, Happy Diwali to you all!

Week 2 of Yoga Training

2008-10-17T13:27:00.001-06:00

We started off on Friday afternoon by first discussing the observations that we did of different yoga sessions taught by different teachers. It was fascinating that each one of us noticed different things. Catherine noticed how not everybody was chanting AUMs. Alex appreciated the very creative sequence in Mary’s class. Stephanie was glad that she was’t doing the very sweaty class and just observing it. Kristina could not believe that she does the same challenging sequence everyday.

We also talked about the presentation that we were scheduled to give to the yoga newbie’s.
Saturday started with our presentation. My part was to present Pranayam. I was a bit tensed about it initially even before I prepared anything. I wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. I did not want to use too many Sanskrit terms and scare away some potential yogis! I just explained that Pranayama in simple English is nothing but yogic breathing exercises. I also had them practice full yogic breathing while explaining the numerous benefits of it. Everything went really well (or so I think until I get a negative feedback).
Then came the part I was waiting for. We watched the remaining part of the “Yoga Unveiled” documentary. It talked about Swami Vivekananda and how he got first introduction and recognition of Hinduism and “yogic philosophy” (I am not sure if I am using the right word here but you get the idea, right?). indeed we owe so much to this great fearless yogi-saint! The movie then gave the life stories of a few pioneering hatha yogis. It began with T.Krishnammacharya and his disciples like K Pattabhi Jois, B.K.S.Iyengar, Indra devi, TKV Desikachar. One of our homework assignments was to write on anyone of these prominent personalities. I chose to write on K. Pattabhi Jois as his name itself was so intriguing to me. Pattabhi sounds so much south Indian and the last name Jois is totally western. After writing my paper my curiosity about his name is still the same as I have not received my answer yet. I will keep searching though.
On Sunday, after the initial meditation and yoga practice Jasmin worked on head stands(salamb sheersasan) with us. It feels like I am pretty close to having a breakthrough there. I will just have to keep practicing without judgment and I will be there eventually. We also talked about setting an intention for the yoga practice. I have always noticed that whenever I do not set any specific intention and just go with the flow then my practice is much more fulfilling and enjoyable. When I try hard and stay in the pose for as long as the instructor wants us to, then I almost always end up getting frustrated for not being able to perform well. Henceforth my mantra may as well be “just chill chill, just chill”

Second weekend of the teacher training was a bit hard for me partly because I was not feeling too well. I was coughing a lot. I got that bug from my younger daughter who had been coughing all over me for more than 2 weeks. I am kind of proud of myself that I could fight it for 2 weeks before surrendering to the cough!
I have signed up for the yoga challenge at Yoga Island. The idea is to take 25 classes in 30 days and if we do, we will earn ourselves a yoga t-shirt! It looks like I will have to let go of that t-shirt this time around. I had to take Monday off and rest at home as I was coughing all night long. I used that day to also finish up some assignments.
Another adventurous thing on my part was to try neti-pot to cleanse my nasal passages. That did not go very well I must admit. First of all, I should not have done that when I was already coughing and congested so much. Lesson learnt. I will wait for a few days to try it again.
I am also keeping a food diary as we will be learning a whole lot about yogic life style and healthy eating habits in the next weekend session. My diary is not that impressive. I ate out twice already. My diary is not nicely written food log but just scribbled on post-it notes. I think writing a food log might help all those who are trying to lose weight because every time I wanted to eat something, I thought to myself if it was something worth writing in a diary.

It is already Friday and time for the third weekend of yoga training. I am so looking forward to it. Week 2 in short was a bit hectic due to health reasons yet I moved forward a little bit.

A weekend by myself, for myself, to myself

2008-10-05T11:01:00.002-06:00

I am spending this weekend alone at home while rest of my family is enjoying themselves with a few friends at a nearby resort. I am so grateful for this wonderful day and half that I got just for myself.
The last time I spent some time alone was way back in 2001. Back then I did not value it as much may be because I was not craving for it. Never the less I still enjoyed it back then. This time though it is different.
Over the years I had 2 cute little girls, a job, increased work at home. Life has become very busy. It is one chore after another. It is hard to get even a few minutes to unwind and just be alone. I am not exaggerating when I say sometimes I can’t be alone in the bathroom (that is probably too much information, but hey, I have a little one who is the queen of clingy land). So when I decided not to go to the Cliffs (the resort looking over the possum kingdom lake), I couldn’t be happier!
I started my weekend by taking a wonderful yoga class taught by Pam Ryan at Yoga Island. This was the first class I attended taught by Pam. She focused on twisting poses. Interestingly, she included a minute of Kapalbhati into the practice.
I pampered myself by getting an ultrasonic facial (whatever that is). I had to fill out this form about my skin care routine. I nearly blew away Layne by admitting that I do not have any routine. It was almost embarrassing. I do not use any cleansing, exfoliating and moisturizing products. I bought this facial cleanser more than a year ago (probably the last time I felt embarrassed and guilty about not taking care of my skin) and that bottle is still 90 % full. Layne did try to make me feel better by saying that westerners focus more on outer beauty and in the east people focus more on the inner beauty. (That was sweet. Thank you Layne!) But I guess it never hurts to have the outer beauty with healthy body, glowing skin. Don’t we all want that! East or west we all want to look our best.
In the afternoon I caught up with some required reading. I read parts of “Food Revolution” by John Robbins (http://www.foodrevolution.org/). It is an amazing book revealing flaws of many fad diets, genetically modified foods, mad cow disease, and the health effects of what you eat. A must read for all.

I had a lovely evening with my co-workers. The occasion was retirement part for Michael. We ate in the kitchen of P. F. Changs restaurant. Delicious food and company of people you are comfortable with can make you feel relaxed.

I dozed off around 10 at night. This morning started at around 7:30. I never slept better. I did not have to worry about my younger daughter sleeping on my older daughter’s stomach or chest. I did not wake up even once to adjust or pull down my daughter because her head was hitting on the headboard. I know my daughters are 5 and almost 3 years old and they still sleep in our bed. I just tell myself to enjoy it while it lasts. They won’t be sleeping with us when they go to college. It is just a matter of time.

This morning I made myself nice hot cup of tea and sat at the dining table sipping it slowly taking my own time, totally undisturbed. The biggest pleasures in life are in these seemingly little things.
I spent entire morning reading about pranayama and writing notes for the presentation that we yoga teacher trainees are supposed to give next weekend at Yoga Island. It is free class for beginners who have not done yoga. Jasmine will teach a mini class after our presentation. I am really happy and thankful to get this opportunity given to us to share what we learnt so far.

Well, my solitude is about to be over in a few hours. It was awesome to get this time for myself to relax, unwind and to do things for myself (selfish! I know!). But it has certainly refreshed me to take on life, to steer the ship of my life with newfound energy, vigor.
We all need periods of solitude, although temperamentally we probably differ in the amount of solitude we need. Some solitude is essential; it gives us time to explore and know ourselves. It is the necessary counterpoint to intimacy, what allows us to have a self worthy of sharing.
When did YOU spend just a day alone? Go for it. You will love it.

A New Beginning

2008-10-01T10:07:00.003-06:00

It’s been a long silence after the initial ranting on this blog. But, hey, I did not have anything worth talking about.
Now I do have something to share. I have started with my 200 hour yoga alliance teacher training at Yoga Island (http://www.yogaisland.com) just last week.
It is overwhelming, intense, challenging and a little frustrating at times. Above and beyond all, it is a lot of FUN.
We started out with introductions. We are 7 trainees (including me). All are at different stages in life, different backgrounds but with one common passion which is yoga.
A very interesting group of cool women!
During the first weekend, we watched a part of a very informative movie named Yoga Unveiled (http://www.yogaunveiled.com). Sometimes I think as a person born and raised in India, I feel proud of the fact that Yoga was born in my homeland, it is a part of India heritage. I saw some familiar faces in the movie (B. K. S. Iyengar) but there were so many knowledgeable people I did not even hear of until then. It is humbling to listen to them talking about history and origin of yoga.
One lesson I learnt by watching the movie is that I have no right to feel superior as compared to other western yoga enthusiasts just because I am from India.
I may have the slight benefit of being able to pronounce the Sanskrit names right but I DO NOT have any bragging rights whatsoever. Knowing can take you only so far but doing it makes all the difference in the world. I can’t wait to watch the rest of the documentary.
We also started with our meditations. We talked about the 8 limbs of Yoga as well.
I have started reading “Light on Yoga”, every yogi’s bible written by B. K. S. Iyengar. I am planning to finish at least the first part before next weekend.
Another assignment was observing at least 3 classes taught by RYT certified teachers. I have observed 2 so far.
First one that I observed was taught by Sloan Park (owner of Yoga Island). What a wonderful teacher she is! It was interesting to watch her teach the class the sequence that I practiced in her previous class. I knew exactly how I felt doing it just a few minutes earlier. I remembered how my body was dying to go to child’s pose while doing and holding 3 legged dog. Watching a yoga class is a whole new experience. You notice things like the temperature in the room, selection of music, how the teacher is assisting and giving adjustments. Jasmin(another teacher at Yoga Island) was practicing. It was a delight to see her doing the sequence taught by Sloan. Her movements were so flawless. She was floating from one pose to another never moving hastily.
The second class I observed was taught by Mary just yesterday evening. Mary has a very energetic personality which was evident from the beginning chants of AUM.
She introduced me to the class and she said my name correctly (Yahoo! More power to her)
I plan to observe either a gentle or a prenatal class next.
I must admit that I was a bit scared when I started out with the training. I did not know if I am ready for it. Now I know I have taken the right step. I have started the journey of a thousand miles. It is going to be quite a ride!

Social Networking or Evesdropping...

2007-02-26T15:00:00.000-06:00

Not too long ago, I was IMing with a friend oversees and came to know about the latest fad called ORKUT. I admit, that I had not heard about it earlier in spite of being a computer savvy, email addicted 21st century young adult(yes, I still consider myself young!). I had seen a couple of social networking websites before (eg. Linked In) but didn't really care much about them. Upon receiving an invitation from that friend to join, I joined the orkut network.
First of all, it was by invitation only, which makes you feel special(just for a few seconds though). Another reason was just plain curiosity to find out why is everybody talking about it .

After joining, you try and fill out your profile(hmm...what can I write to make other people visiting my profile think I am really cool). You come up with a decent profile for yourself and in the process visit your friends and friend's friends profiles. You realize that you need to join a few communities too to back up the passions and interests listed in your profile. You notice that there is something called scrapbook. Initially I thought scrap book is something that you write your own. Some thoughts that cross your mind, latest events in your life which you want to share with your 'network', funny thing that your kids said etc etc.
Soon I received my first scrap book entry from a friend and realized that my assumption was completely incorrect. Scrap book is for your friends or any stranger for that matter to write messages for you. They are 'not so instant' messages to get in touch with you. I visited my friends scrap book to write a reply and ended up reading most of the messages in her scrap book(all the time feeling like I was stealing something or doing something that I am not supposed to do). I was shocked to find out that I can just visit any one's scrap book and read all the messages that are intended for them. This total lack of privacy was scary. I found a few more old friends through her scrap book that I had lost touch with.

Slowly but surely I got almost addicted to visiting orkut once or twice a day. Mainly to find out
who has visited my profile, to get a snapshot of friends lives, to see who they are currently friends with, who has the maximum number of people in their friend list(and keep wondering how one can manage over 400 friends!!!Does our social status really depend upon number of friends?). I can't help but wonder why is orkut currently so popular and why is Google associated with it. I realized that the very first impression I had about orkut being a zero privacy networking site is what is drawing people towards it and where else is Google going to find out all the personal information about millions of people effortlessly which is ultimately going to make them more profitable. The reason I did not like Orkut was the reason which kept me a regular visitor to the site.
we are humans and if other humans are sharing their lives with the world like an open book then we can't help but eves drop. Creators of Orkut know that human nature very well I guess.

Only time will tell if popularity of the website will continue to grow or die down slowly. Personally speaking, I know I wont be a regular visitor six months from now.

Where Is She?

2007-02-15T18:59:00.000-06:00

Last 3 hours were kind of nightmarish(alright, I am exaggerating a little bit). Why would it be so hard to spend a few hours with your own kids? As I was picking up my little angles(Yes! I do love them. Let me make that clear.) this afternoon from their day cares and school respectively, I caught myself thinking, Oh God! I now have to spend the entire evening with them. Don't you think it is unnatural for a mother to think that way.

I came home, played house with the older daughter(forced myself to play with her) while keeping an eye on younger 15 months old. All the while waiting for the familiar sound of garage door opening and the kids DAD coming to my rescue. I made khichari for them.(guess what? I alternate between dal-chawal and khichari )

Eventually dear husband came home only to go out again to attend an extremely important SQL server user group meeting (yeah, they have pizza, soda and discuss about SQL server and do networking). The younger one was screaming and crying for last 30 minutes refusing to eat dinner, pointing to something which I had no clue what or where. (it would really help if she can say a few words...) I found myself screaming and crying in just a little bit later while feeding my older one and then it hit me that all of us are kids and there is no parent. Where is the MOTHER of these precious little girls? Where has she disappeared? Who am I? What kids of person was I? Aren't mothers supposed to be the adults who handle these non-situations day in and day out effortlessly? Aren't mothers supposed to be patient, understanding, compassionate, empathizing, tactful, with excellent negotiating skills and most of all in-complete control of the situation at all times?

Where is the mother in me? Is something wrong with me? Why do I feel trapped sometimes when I am with my girls? I don't mean to be ungrateful here. There are so many women on the planet longing to have children. I have 2 most beautiful, precious little girls, then, why can I not be the perfect nurturing mom they deserve to have? Is it just me or are there any other women like me? Is it just a phase or will I always be like this? Why do I keep thinking I will be a better mother when they grow up a little more?
If we had a magic mirror in which we could see what kind of mother or spouse we will be, then would many of us not have children or will not get married?

I guess I have next few years to find answers to my questions. I thought when a child is born, a mother is born as well prepackaged with all those qualities/elements/characteristics/virtues of a mother automatically. But, may be there is more to it. I am still learning. I am slowly finding out that you grow as a mother as your child grows. For now, I am just looking for the mother of my little kids. May be she is lost for a little while and will find her way back home soon.