Stephen's Thoughts

Memories of Wurm in Maui

2007-03-01T06:51:00.001-08:00

I flew by myself to Maui early on Thursday, February 1, about 10 hours before Kent, Eric and Jack were scheduled to arrive... I expected it to be an emotional time alone (and it was), but I was pleasantly surprised how many happy memories popped up.

On the flight, I remembered the competitive "Mathlete" that I loved – Chrys would crack open the laptop and pull out his nearly perfected spreadsheet for the “Halfway to Hawaii” competition. A passenger of the flight could win a bottle of wine if he or she could pick the closest time (to the second) of when the plane passed over the geographical mid-point between San Francisco and Hawaii. The pilot gives the passengers just enough data (speed, headwind, time of departure, etc.) to make an educated guess, but they never give enough data for an exact calculation. For years, Chrys gathered the data from all his previous trips, and created a spreadsheet and regression analysis that would give him the best range of times to choose from. On one trip, Chrys told me to pick a number between 1 and 30 (he already calculated the time down to the minute, and he wanted me to guess the seconds). I picked the number 43 – just to be difficult. Chrys jokingly pouted and scowled at me for a second, then wrote down the calculated time on my card (ending in 43 seconds). On his card he wrote the same hours and minutes, but with the guess of 23 seconds. We turned in our cards and waited for the results. My card won... No matter how much I insisted that HE had actually won due to HIS own calculations, Chrys refused to recognize my winning number for what it was – his hard work, and my dumb luck. Instead, Chrys just beamed with pride as they presented me with a bottle of wine (and he even congratulated me for trusting my “instincts” by guessing a number outside of the range of choices he presented). Chrys always had a way of making you feel special – even if you didn't quite deserve it...

I’ve never been to Hawaii without Chrys, so everything I saw reminded me of him. Exiting the plane, I saw the bar (Stinger Ray’s) where Chrys would sip on his “Tropical Itch” drinks… Every time he went to Hawaii, Chrys would save the bamboo backscratcher that came with the drink… Only in the last couple years did he start labeling them with the date of the trip. On my way home, I was sure to continue the tradition… I now have a backscratcher labeled “Maui 2007” hanging next to the five other - nearly identical – backscratchers above our refrigerator.

Our trips to Hawaii were filled with traditions… First there’s the obligatory liquor (oh, and food) run to Safeway, where we would acquire all the ingredients for a proper tropical cocktail (including pineapples and paper umbrellas). I nearly had my first breakdown in Safeway when I couldn’t find any type of umbrella or cocktail decorations… I wanted to make this trip a close to perfect for Kent, Eric & Jack as Chrys would always make it for me, Andy & Vicki. I then decided that, this being a somber weekend, pineapple wedges and bendy straws would just have to do… Though, I continued to search for some sort of cocktail decorations at every liquor, grocery or ABC store that we came across the entire weekend. Safeway didn't have any cocktail decorations, but fortunately they did have a Yahrtzeit candle.

The next tradition that Chrys would try to observe is to “Never Miss a Sunset”. We would always try to be at the beach (or at least outside facing west) with a cocktail in hand for each and every sunset. The only time I remember Chrys missing a sunset in Hawaii was when we made the hike to Waimoku Falls (near Hana – on the east side of the island). He was fretting about missing the sunset at first, but afterwards Chrys raved that the hike was SO worth it – (more about that coming up).

So after I made a Safeway run and got set up in the condo, I mixed myself a single cocktail and walked down to the beach for the first sunset of the trip. I really didn’t feel like drinking, nor did I want to watch a sunset alone – a sunset in Hawaii would never be the same without Chrys by my side. When I got to the beach I turned on some Hawaiian music on my headphones and stared out to the cloudy sky. Then I remembered Chrys’s favorite phrase at sunset in Hawaii– (how could I forget it!) – I could almost feel Chrys leaning in to me and whispering: “Cue the Whales”. As if by magic, every time he would say that, whales would breach, splash, or blow a spray from their blowhole off in the horizon. And this sunset was no exception. In fact, I’ve never seen a whale breach so high in my entire life. With rays of sun cutting lines through a partly cloudy sky as a backdrop, I saw a whale breach so high, that at least 75% of her body was out of the water before she belly flopped sideways. It was truly more spectacular than any postcard or nature show on TV has ever captured. I just wish I had my camera ready. It felt like a “sign” from Chrys – the first of many during this trip.

A Side Note about Feelings, Memories & “Signs”

I wanted to “feel” Chrys during the entire trip -- much like I feel he’s “with me” in my thoughts every day. I’m not a religious nor a spiritual person, so I don’t expect to get communications or “signs” from the afterlife. Instead, I always think about “what would Chrys say” or “how would Chrys react” to this or that – it gives me comfort that I know Chrys so well, that I can continue to feel him and love him as time goes on - as if here were still here. I know which performers on American Idol would cause him to tear up, what movies he would have enjoyed, and how he would react to certain life events…

For example, when I was saying goodbye to Chrys in the hospital, I promised him over and over that I would make him proud. Every time I go to the gym, I think about the day seven years ago before we were dating (during one of my previous “get fit” kicks) when Chrys “noticed” me again for the first time – he commented on how I was looking good, squeezed my bicep and gave me a flirtatious “Well, Well, Well - Look at You!” smirk. The memory of that smile keeps me motivated at the gym – much like the rest of my “What Would Chrys Say” thoughts keep me motivated through the rest of my life. Now that I’ve lost 80 pounds, I appreciate the “you’re looking great comments” from friends and family, but it the “Chrys would be so proud!” comments that are most meaningful...
Now, as someone who doesn’t believe in “signs” from an afterlife, I must say that my faith (or lack thereof) was tested during this trip. Because I lost track of how many times I got goose bumps and shivers each time I experienced what felt like a “sign” from Chrys during this trip.

After sunset and dinner, I picked up the rest of the gang at the airport… Thanks to his Wikipedia-esque knowledge of the airline industry, Kent was able to get the boys a new, direct, flight to Maui after their earlier, non-direct, flight got canceled… You rock, Kent!

The next morning we headed to Lahaina to shop, eat lunch, whale watch, and schedule a snorkeling trip. We ate lunch at Lahaina Fish Co. – and I got treated to a couple other happy Wurm memories… Our table got visited by what Chrys dubbed “French Fry Birds”. When Chrys and I were at the same restaurant a couple years ago, this one bird sat and stared at us for the longest time with a giant French fry hanging from it’s beak. After lunch, Chrys and I drove 20 miles back to our condo in Kihei. When we pulled out of the parking lot, Chrys noticed a praying mantis holding on to the windshield of our car. Chrys started rooting and cheering for the praying mantis, “Hang on Buddy!”, “almost there!”. Even when we drove at close to 40 miles per hour, the praying mantis held on tight! It was one of the most enjoyable drives of my life – listening to Chrys giggle and cheer with glee the entire time. When we got to the condo, Chrys carefully lifted the giant bug off the car and placed him on a nearby tree. When we went inside the condo, Chrys noticed more “French fry birds” -sans French fries- bouncing around on our deck. Chrys proclaimed “Yay! The French fry birds followed us home too! Yay!” I had vividly remembered the praying mantis (I even got Chrys a crystal praying mantis from Maui Crystal for his birthday a few months later), but I had forgotten about the French Fry birds. The little brown bird sitting next to our table was a great reminder of happier times.

When I went whale watching for the first time about 4 years ago with Chrys, Andy and Vicki, I thought to myself – “don’t get your hopes up – just be happy to have a lovely day out on a boat – if we get to see a whale, it will be a nice treat, but don’t expect them to come right up to the boat.” Boy was I wrong! Chrys and I both got splashed with blow-hole spray when a whale splashed around our boat. It was awesome! Well, I didn’t want to get my hopes up again with Kent, Eric, and Jack. But, once again, the whales did not disappoint! One whale kept swimming back and forth under our boat and would pop up to entertain the crowd over and over again… More happy memories… Another sign from Chrys…

Of course, we didn’t miss the sunset.

On Saturday, February 3 – the one year anniversary of Chrys’ death, I knew that I either had to zone out in order to make it through the day or completely focus on some random task. Then it hit me… a day at Big Beach. Chrys loved a day-long trip to Big Beach, and I liked to make sand-sculptures at the beach while everyone frolicked and played in the water. When he saw my first sand sculptures, Chrys was so excited that he got me sculpting lessons for my birthday – he was always so thoughtful! I figured that making a sand sculpture would occupy my mind on that difficult day – which it did. But it also brought back memories of Chrys standing next to me and complementing me, encouraging me, taking pictures, and laughing hysterically when I added a jumbo sized penis to a sculpture. So as Kent, Eric and Jack boogie boarded, swam, and lounged in the sun, I worked on my sculpture “Two Naked Boys Cuddling”. Although Chrys and I were usually wearing our work clothes (rather than our birthday suits), this was the “cuddle position” that Chrys and I would take when either of us would declare “cuddle time” after a hard day at the office. Also, we’d usually be petting a couple schnauzers (but I figured that rugby shirts, khaki pants and schnauzers would be too difficult – and weird – to incorporate into the sculpture.

As sunset approached, we hopped into the car and headed back to Kamaole III Beach (across the street from our condo) and Kent mixed cocktails for the group. They were strong. Very Strong. They were “Chrys would have been happy” strong! I was on the phone with Lisa as I took my first few sips. Within a few minutes, Lisa noticed that I was already getting tipsy… After sunset, Kent, Eric, Jack and I waded out into the water with a bag of Chrys’s cremated remains. We each took turns saying a few words about Chrys and poured some of the ashes into the ocean. It was beautiful. And Chrys would have gotten a kick out of the fact that we were all tipsy from our sunset cocktails – Yay Kent.

The next morning we went snorkeling at Molokini Crater. It was a fun day out. The tour “conveniently” started and ended at the Pacific Whale Foundation gift shop. A few years earlier, Vicki went crazy over a cute (and way overpriced) stuffed turtle at the same gift shop. Andy later made a special trip back to the shop to pick up the turtle as a Christmas gift for her. It was like a sitcom watching Chrys and Andy trying to hide the turtle from Vicki before Christmas. Vicki kept asking “What’s in the Box?” about 1000 times over a 2 day period and she searched the condo relentlessly trying to find the gift. Well, much like the turtle, I fell in love with a giant cute (and way overpriced) stuffed humpback whale at the same gift shop. After hours of rationalization and a little internet research to confirm that the Pacific Whale Foundation is a real non-profit organization, I made a special trip back to get the stuffed whale for myself.

After snorkeling, we walked around Iao Valley state park and then drove back to the condo to get some pool lounging time in before sunset. The pool brought up a number of memories (good and bad).

The last time I went to Maui with Chrys, we stayed at the same resort – Maui Kamaole. In fact, the condo Chrys and I stayed at was just 2 doors down from where we were staying this time. Near the end of our stay, Chrys was excited to discover a second swimming pool at the resort (complete with a cheesy fake waterfall – the waterfall drowns out the sounds of kids screaming). Chrys and I hung out the pool together thinking that we had 2 more beautiful days together in heaven. But that night, I got a frantic call from my mother. My dad had gotten in a motorcycle accident and they weren’t sure if he was going to make it through the night (fortunately he recovered remarkably well). I left on the next flight out and Chrys stayed behind for the last couple days to pack up the rest of our stuff and to try to enjoy whatever time he had left in Hawaii. Who could have guessed that it was the last time we would be in Hawaii together, and that he would spend his last 2 days there alone? Chrys tried to make the best of it – he took a bunch of pictures of himself making drinks, and toasting the sunset (even though he spent most of his time calling me over and over to make sure everything was ok).

As I sat and watched the fake waterfall at the pool, I realized that I too would be spending my last 2 days in Maui alone (the boys were flying out early Monday morning, and I was flying out late Tuesday night). As I dropped my friends off at the airport the next morning and said goodbye, I was genuinely happy to have another two days to lounge in Maui – but I soon realized how difficult it is to be in paradise and not have anyone to share the experience with. It felt like a kick in the stomach. I can only imagine how hard it was for Chrys worrying about me and my family when he was stuck in Maui two years earlier…

But I made the best of it – and here’s when I really started to feel Chrys’ presence….

After dropping the boys off at the Airport, I stopped to pick up the stuffed whale, and then went back to Big Beach for the afternoon. At sunset, I saw a group of 4 whales swimming together – like synchronized swimming - they even sprayed their blow-holes at the same time - awesome.

That night I packed up and prepared for a road trip.

Originally, I had planned to scatter all of the ashes with my friends at sunset on the one year anniversary. But the evening before, I changed my mind. We scattered about half of the ashes at the beach, but I saved the rest for Waimoku Falls (near Hana).

On our last trip to Maui, Chrys and I took the 4 hour winding drive to the Seven Sacred Pools past Hana. We had read that there was a beautiful hike up along the Pipiwai Stream to the largest waterfall in Maui, Waimoku Falls, but I still had a bad knee and had not completely recovered from my second knee surgery, so I wasn’t sure how far I could make along the 2.5 mile uphill path. Well, the absolute breath-taking beauty of the hike made the knee pain seem minor (and walking uphill is always easier on my knee than going downhill), so Chrys and I made it all the way to the waterfall. We were both blown away by the view. On the way down, my knee had totally given out. Chrys and I were covered in mud up to our knees, and with every steep step downward, I had to wrap my arms around his neck (quasi-piggy-back style) and lower myself down sloooowly. It took us twice as long to get back down the hill, but Chrys and I were ranting and raving about how we have never seen such a beautiful place on Earth! The entire trip back, Chrys and I were dumbfounded with the beauty we experienced. I remember commenting that I finally understood people who hike – as long as all hikes end with a 400 foot waterfall, that is.

On my last day at the condo, I packed up, checked out, but I stopped by the condo two doors down where Chrys and I stayed on our previous trip. I figured that with two days alone, Chrys certainly would have taken the time to sign the guest book (after I left early due to my dad’s accident). Fortunately, a kind older man was there. When I explained why I wanted to take a quick look at the guest book he invited me in and informed me that he recently lost his grandson to Leukemia – what a small, and unfair world.

As if I needed any clearer sign that I was doing the right thing by taking some of Chrys’s ashes to the waterfall, I got it. In the guestbook, Chrys wrote “Hiking the Pipiwai Trail was the most amazing, magical experience of my life. Wow!”

The word “magical” resonated with me. The entire road trip to Hana and the entire hike came to life, magically. I could hear and feel Chrys the entire time. I stopped by the cliff-side lookout where Chrys and I had a picnic in the pouring rain. It was one of those poignant memories that never leave. We were carefree, getting soaked in the rain and it didn’t bother us because we were so happy and so in love and completely soaked to the core. While it didn’t rain this time around, I think enough tears rolled down my face to soak the stone picnic table we sat at two years prior. As I passed the “garden of Eden” (a tourist trap, but nice garden), I saw peacocks and was reminded of how they chased our car the last time we were there.

When I got to the park, I was the memories and emotions kept coming. I could remember almost every photo stop along the way (not just due to the strong memories of that magical day we spent together, but also due to the hours I’ve spent staring at pictures we took together). The sad realization hit me that, rather than leaning on Chrys the entire hike this time around, I was carrying him in a satin covered box.

The first part of the hike is very “enchanted forest” – the ground is rippled with a network of interwoven tree roots, to the right, there is a cliff with pool after pool fed by crashing waterfalls, and there is one of the most amazing banyan trees I’ve ever seen.

After a while, you arrive to a grassy field. Last time we were here, Chrys and I saw (and were less than 5 feet away from) two cows grazing. It seemed like such a strange place for cattle! After the grassy field you come to almost a mile long trail of bamboo forest. The trail through the bamboo starts out wide and narrows as you go up. Even in the middle of the day, the bamboo is so densely packed in that it looks like nightfall. Chrys and I both took separate “tinkle-breaks” in the bamboo forest and we had to holler “Marco!”, “Polo!” to find our way back to the path. Once you get through the bamboo, you get your first glimpse of the waterfall.

And, once again, I got a magical sign from above… Of the 400+ songs shuffling on my iPod, “Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a wonderful World” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole started playing just before I got within sight of the waterfall (this is one of the last songs that I played for Chrys in the hospital, and one of the songs that I included in his memorial video).

I walked up the side of a hill and had a beer in honor of Chrys.

Some friendly hippies offered to take my picture. After they found out what was in the box, they decided to give me some privacy. I don’t know if it was “magic”, coincidence, or if the friendly hippies had something to do with it, but as I approached the base of the waterfall, the 20+ people who were hanging out and taking pictures all left at about the same time. I suddenly found myself alone, with Chrys’s remains in the most magical, beautiful place on Earth.

There’s no way to describe what happened next without sounding cheesy or overly dramatic. And yet, no matter how elaborately I describe it, nothing can do justice how overwhelming the experience was. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting – but when I scattered ashes at the Great Wall, they didn’t exactly “scatter”, and when we scattered ashes at sunset, it was too dark to see the effect in the water, but this time was different – it was magical. I started pouring the ashes in the water and immediately, I could see a water undergo a dramatic color change to a milky-white – duh, I know, not exactly magic. But the way the color slowly expanded and lingered in the water. For almost 10 minutes could see the water all around me change – even down stream – even as the water snaked down some rocks and down a couple “mini falls” I could see Chrys all around me. I had felt Chrys around me the entire time, but to physically see him around me (for as far as the eye could see) was “amazing” and “magical” and overwhelming. I sat bawling for a while until I noticed the water was starting to get clearer, so I started a semi-frantic chase down the trail to see if I could catch a glimpse of Chrys as he moved downstream. Of course I continued to see him everywhere from that point on, but I’m sure the water was probably getting far too clear for a rational, objective person to see it. But then I was no longer a rational, objective person. I had witnessed too many “signs” and seen too much magic to ever let Chrys go.

To see more pictures from the Maui 2007 trip, click here.

Birthday

2006-06-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow would have been Chrys's 35th birthday. At first I planned to just stay at home and fall apart -- Maybe watch "Finding Nemo" and cry (we loved that movie and named our dog after the blue fish).

Last year we had a BBQ. We were surrounded by friends. We were so happy. Life was good.

What a difference a year makes.

Rather than let the day go by, I wanted to do something that would honor Chrys's memory. So I'm hosting a BBQ party in commemoration of Chrys's birthday. I've got a big group of our friends coming over to spend the afternoon together, eat and (of course) drink!

We miss you, baby.
Happy Birthday.

The Wurm Tap Room at Tower Club

2006-06-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks and "cheers" to Ken and Lisa!

At the memorial service for Chrys at Tower Club on Saturday (just before the Princeton Reunion P-rade), Ken announced that he and Lisa got the Tap Room (bar/game room) at Tower Club dedicated to Chrys. Almost every room at Tower Club had already been dedicated to other alumni, but it was fate that the one room that Wurm loved more than any other was available for dedication. After hearing people share their stories of Wurm drinking, laughing, smiling, drinking, playing games, and working on problem sets (while drinking)- almost exclusively in the Tap room - this announcement was especially moving. Chrys would be thrilled!

While the plaque was not ready in time for the service it will read:

In honor of great memories and
fun times shared here,
this Tap room is
dedicated to
Chrystian Wurmser '92
Our beloved friend Wurm
With love from his friends in Tower

Obstacles

2006-05-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

Although I did not have the pleasure of playing this "quarters" variety drinking game, I clearly remember waking up the next morning to find dozens of items stacked precariously on the coffee table in Chrys's living room... I think this was during one of Jonathan Gove's visits...

Don't Grieve Alone...

2006-04-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

This isn't exactly a Wurm-specific post...

I get periodic website statistics that show what keyword searches on Google leads someone to my website. Today I discovered that someone found this website with the key phrase "grieving alone" and it broke my heart...

If someone stumbles into this website because they are mourning the loss of their partner or spouse, I strongly recommend the website The Young Widow Bulletin Board www.ywbb.org it's no substitute for friends, family, or face to face grief counseling, but it is a wonderful resource and community that lets you know that you are certainly not "grieving alone".

Wurm

2006-04-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

Wurm saved everything...

Fantastic Discoveries...

2006-04-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of packing Chrys's belongings for storage. I've developed 3-box-method of packing... In box #3 I put items that have little or no emotional value that I will eventually, some day, donate to Goodwill (such as khaki pants, general topic books, etc.) Box #2 are items that have some emotional value but I need to store due to sheer volume (such as shirts I remember Chrys wearing, some of the many "Calculus Euphoria" books, etc.) and Box #1 are items that may have extreme emotional value and I plan to sit down and go through more methodically within the next few weeks (Box #1 also is where I put items that I want to pass on to some of Chrys's closest friends)...

I later decided that it is "emotionally safe" for me to immediately discard some items such as socks, towels, white t-shirts, and "things you can buy at a grocery store"... So now it's the 3 box, 1 trash bag method of packing...

As I was packing up Chrys's closet, in the back corner of the top shelf, I discovered an old, beat up shoe box... Inside the shoebox there were a dozen-or-so pairs of dirty old black socks. As I threw out the socks into the trash bag, I started to see a splash of color mixed in with all the black fabric... I reached in and pulled out a crumpled up ball of a shirt... When I shook it open and turned it inside out, I discovered that I had come upon the holy grail of shirts... Yes... I found the black Megadeth tank top t-shirt. Wow. I've seen the pictures, heard the stories, now I've seen it in person... It was a sight to behold...

Kent was keeping me company for a while, as I packed (so I have a witness that can verify this next true story)... In addition to Chrys's multiple, identical Pleon Yacht club T-Shirts, we found that Chrys had a knack for a certain type of tie - of the red and blue diagonal stripe variety (the official tie of Princeton Tower Club)... Now, I had known that he had a love of this tie, because he had at least 4 of these near-identical ties on his tie rack already (and every time we ever dressed up for an event or nice dinner, he would wear, what I initially thought, was the same tie)...

However, as I was packing up his closet shelf, we discovered that Chrys's closet was a veritable clown car of unworn neckties. Box after box of tissue paper wrapped, price tag adorned ties were mixed throughout the stack of clothes on Chrys's top shelf. And no less than 6 of these new ties had red/blue diagonal stripes (totaling 10 near-identical ties)... We also discovered that Chrys had 3 identical ties in each of the following types: Yellow/Blue diagonal stripe, red with blue dot/decoration, and red with blue paisley.

Finally, I discovered in the breast pocket of his light colored suit, a yellow piece of folded paper... It was a program from Easter, 1998 from the Noe Valley Presbyterian Church... Chrys told me the story how he Jay and Lisa S, decided, after a hard night of drinking, that it would be nice to attend an Easter service the next morning, they searched for a search in the yellow pages and picked a church... They showed up thinking they would blend in with the crowd... Upon arrival, Chrys was horrified to see that the congregation was too small to "blend" into, and everyone sat in a circle...

Midway through the service, the pastor split a loaf of bread and handed it to two people next to each other at one side of the circle. The two people were to rip off a piece of bread and pass it to the person next to them... It didn't take long before Chrys Jay and Lisa realized that they were on the exact opposite end of the circle, and one of them would end up with two loaves of bread, with no one left to pass them to... Much like a game of quarters, someone was going to end up with all the cups...

Chrys told me that when the bread arrived near their side of the circle, they were all ripping and passing the bread as fast as possible in order to avoid ending up with two loaves... Chrys said that he was laughing hysterically and was so embarrassed -- but was having the time of his life...
Chrys told this Easter story a number of times, and he laughed hysterically each and every time he shared the details of the bread passing... (FYI, Lisa and Jay have shared additional details of this wonderful story, and Lisa is digging up some pictures from that day - I will include the whole story in the "memories of Wurm" section of this website shortly)...

Yesterday was an emotionally draining day of packing, and finding this Easter program made me vividly remember Chrys's laugh -- it made my day.

Rest in Peace, Baby... And Enjoy the View...

2006-04-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

Today we scattered some of Chrys's ashes at the Great Wall of China - at the same section of the Wall that he visited four years ago. Chrys said that it was one of the most breathtaking views that he has ever seen - and I have to agree...

From many vantage points, you can see the wall snake across the mountains for as far as the eye can see... Photos can do the view no justice, but I've included a picture taken near where we scattered Chrys's ashes... (Click on the picture to get an enlarged view).

According to Chrys, It was during his solitary walk along the Great Wall that he reflected on life and decided that he was in love with me (and he was going to "go for it" and ask me out). The weekend he returned from China, he told me how he felt (I told him that the feelings were mutual - and that I had actually been in love with him for years) and we were together from that point on...

Chrys often spoke of his walk along the Great Wall. His personal reflection while he was at the Wall was the catalyst that started our relationship. But it was the breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and magnificent views that triggered that personal reflection.

Enjoy the view, Baby...

I love you...

I miss you...

Not enough Wurm

2006-03-31T16:52:00.000-08:00

Chrys may have been gone from the Hong Kongs 7s rugby tournament this year, but he certainly was not forgotten...

Click on the picture for a larger image.

Thanks to Jon Gove for getting this on the board!

Hong Kong Memories...

2006-03-28T14:44:00.000-08:00

It did not take long after I got off the plane in Hong Kong before I was hit with memories of Chrys and our first trip here together... One memory that made me giggle immediately were the fire exit signs...

Last time Chrys and I were here, we commented on how the sign appeared unusual... We then went into a typical Chrys & Stephen discussion where we tried to find more and more ridiculous explanations for what we saw.

Wurm won this round... He was certain that the sign was telling people which way to run in order to escape a fire breathing dragon that is chasing you (notice that the flames are shooting directly toward the runner).

Thank you Hong Kong Airport for your adorable fire exit signs - it was nice to have a silly, cute memory of Chrys right as I got off the plane...

Don't worry - I'm not grieving alone...

2006-03-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

I bought Chrys a cute red Gap hooded sweatshirt last Christmas. He loved it so much (and it looked so cute on him) that he would wear it almost every single evening after he got home from work. I think I've hugged him more times while he was wearing that sweatshirt than any other article of clothing (though the red Pleon Yacht Club T-Shirt(s) were a close second). And, it was the last thing Chrys was wearing when we went to the emergency room the week before he died.

He wore that sweatshirt so much, that when I found a teddy bear wearing the a similar hooded sweatshirt about 9 months ago, I absolutely had to get it for Chrys. Nothing was more adorable than Chrys hugging a teddy bear wearing a matching sweatshirt.

While Chrys was in the hospital, we had to limit visitors and physical contact, as the chemotherapy weakened his immune system. So instead, I brought the sweatshirt adorned teddy bear as a "surrogate Wurmie" for people to hug in the waiting room... And since Chrys's death (50 days ago today), I've cried while holding that teddy bear on almost a daily basis...

But a few days ago, I was longing for Chrys's hug so much that the tiny teddy bear wasn't cutting it... I then decided to put Chrys's sweatshirt on our Giant Tinky-Winky stuffed Teletubbie and hug that instead... That hug opened the floodgate to the hardest cry I've had since Chrys died.

My grief counselor warned me that I'd still have waves of crying so hard that I won't be able to catch my breath; and she was mostly correct... Hugging the Giant Tinky-Winky in Chrys's sweatshirt felt so much like hugging Chrys that I could only stop crying when I was coughing and gagging and nearly puking (I'm learning that grief not as pretty as it is in the movies)...

I'm sure my neighbors across the street think I'm a freak as they have seen me crying while standing and hugging Tinky-Winky a number of times over the past few days... (but then again, they might think that a stuffed-doll is an improvement, as I've been doing the same thing with a box (of Chrys's ashes) for the last few weeks...

I know that this must sound very sad -- and it is. But, according to my grief counselor, this is healthy, healing behavior - and it does feel pretty therapeutic after I finish crying... It's "good grief", so to speak...

But don't worry, I'm not going through this all alone... The first day that I put the Sweatshirt on Tinky Winky, I laid in bed most morning crying into Chrys's sweatshirt... After about an hour, I looked to the foot of the bed and discovered Alex was doing almost the same thing with the smaller teddy bear...

Thank goodness for our dogs Alex & Dory -- I don't think I could make it through this without them...

I miss my baby so much.

Wurmie Mementos

2006-03-19T07:31:00.000-08:00

When I return from Hong Kong, I will start packing up some of Chrys' stuff for storage (in order to make room for Adriana who will be staying in my place for an extended period of time).

If you have a special memory or story related to a tchotchke on on one of Chrys's shelves and would like to keep it as a memento of Wurm (for example, a stuffed duck with beads, or frog paddle used in a tribal dance in Indonesia, a particular 80's CD, a plastic monkey to hook onto a cocktail, a bridge book, or, heck, a giant coffee table), please let me know (and provide an address where I can ship the item(s))...

Request as many items as you want. You can make general requests (such as "one of the jade trinkets from Hong Kong") or specific requests (a Princeton reunion drinking cup). But note, I'll only be giving away an item if it has little significance to me and special significance for you. (Sorry Matt, Chrys' flat screen TV has special significance to me, is not a "tchotchke" and really doesn't qualify as a "memento"). Please don't be upset if you don't get exactly what you requested -- lots of Wurm's most quirky stuff has grown on me over the years, so I may have an attachment to the item you are requesting...

Don't worry, most items not "claimed" will be packed up and stored (or will remain on my shelves) -- I won't be throwing away anything for a long, long, long time... so even if you remember something a year from now, I can probably still fish it out of storage for you...

I miss My Baby.

A little taste of Wurm

2006-03-17T17:09:00.000-08:00

I was missing Chrys a lot today... Started going through some videos just to hear his laugh, but instead found these two cute clips that I though I'd share... Click below or right click to save the file onto your harddrive -- it's only 18 seconds long, so the file shouldn't be too big to download -- unless you are using dial-up -- if so, it's really time to upgrade to cable modem :)

(click here for video, or right click and save to your harddrive)

Strange things set me off...

2006-03-14T09:12:00.000-08:00

When Chrys was in the hospital, I commented to my friends how strange things would set me off crying -- like when I cooked a box of Mac & Cheese and I started crying because I couldn't remember the last time I ate Mac & Cheese by myself (Chrys and I would always split the box)...

Well today the wierd thing that set me off was a story on the news that made think of Chrys... Reprinted here without permission from BBC:

'Creative plumbing' delivers beer

A woman said she thought she was in heaven when she turned on the kitchen tap to find a plentiful supply of beer.

Haldis Gundersen was planning to do the washing up when she made the unusual discovery at her apartment in Kristiansund, west Norway.

But two flights below, workers in a bar faced the more disappointing realisation that water was flowing from their beer taps.

A worker had connected a beer barrel to the apartment water pipe by mistake.

"I turned on the tap to clean some knives and forks, and beer came out," Ms Gundersen told Reuters news agency. "We thought we were in heaven."

But the beer was flat and tasted odd, she said.

'Really creative'

Downstairs at the Big Tower Bar, workers realised what the problem was - a new barrel had been misconnected to Ms Gundersen's water supply.

"The water and beer pipes do touch each other, but you have to be really creative to connect them together," said Per Egil Myrvang from the local beer distributor. He helped employees to rectify the problem over the telephone.

Ms Gundersen bore no grudge. "If it happens again, I'm going to order Baileys," she said.

In Norway, the sale of alcohol is controlled through a state monopoly and beer prices are some of the highest in the world.

Do you have a Wurm Story to Share?

2006-03-13T17:37:00.000-08:00

Don't be shy.

If you have a story about Wurm that you want to share, please post it under the "Memories of Wurm" section of this website. I've heard from others that it's not that hard to create new posts, but if you can't figure it out - or just don't want to deal with the technical stuff - no worries -- just e-mail me a story and I'll post it on your behalf...

No matter how long or short, how serious or silly, please feel free to share your stories-- it's helpful for me (as I love reading about My Baby) and it's helpful for others (as your stories will trigger warm, Wurm memories and might inspire others to share their stories too).

Thanks to everyone who has posted a story. Also, thanks to everyone who has reached out to me over the last few weeks, (and continue to reach out to me) ... It has been 38 difficult days since Chrys passed away (and only 49 days since he was diagnosed with Leukemia), but this website and my website have been therapeutic outlets for me.

I'd like to keep Wurm's memory alive... I hope that this website will help our friends remember all the great times we shared with Chrys. I also hope that this website will help others learn more about him (such as future recipients of his scholarship). Your stories are vital to these goals - so keep them coming...

Thanks again!

Stephen

Extra Day in Hong Kong

2006-03-11T06:21:00.000-08:00

I've booked my flight and I'll be heading to Hong Kong at the end of the month... During the trip, Jon & Lisa will accompany me to Beijing where I will take a side trip to the Great Wall... one of the 2 final resting places planned for Chrys' cremated remains...

For those not in the know, Hong Kong & The Great Wall have special significance to Chrys and to our relationship. Chrys tried to make it to the Hong Kong 7's rugby tournament every year. It was during his vacation 4 years ago that he took a side trip to the Great Wall of China.

Chrys told me that while he was walking by himself along the Great Wall, he was reflecting on what he wanted out of life. Then it clicked... He told me that it was at that moment - on the top of a hill along the Great Wall - when he realized that he was in love with me and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. When he returned to San Francisco, he told me how he felt and I confirmed that the feelings were mutual...

A year later, we spent our first anniversary in Hong Kong -- as our anniversary was now tied to the timing of the Rugby 7's tournament. I will write about our first anniversary dinner in the "Memories of Wurm" section of this website at another time -- it was a wonderful evening filled with hilarious faux pas... Right now, I'll just say this: Chrys and I were not accustomed to bathroom attendants wearing tuxedos!

The Rugby 7s tournament begins on Friday March 31. So I originally planned to arrive in Hong Kong on Thursday the 30th. However, I remembered, due to the International Date Line, you loose a day when traveling to Hong Kong. If I planned to arrive on the 30th, I'd loose the date of March 29th -- the date of Chrys and my 4th anniversary. Needless to say, I changed my plans to arrive earlier, and will be spending an extra day in Hong Kong... March 29.

Obituary - The Bond Buyer

2006-03-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

Attached is a copy of Chrys' obituary that appeard in an industry publication, The Bond Buyer, on February 21, 2006. (click on picture for full size image).

Goodbye My Lover...

2006-03-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

I can't stop listening to this song.

I miss my baby.

New York Memorial Service

2006-03-06T10:11:00.000-08:00

A few words of thanks about the New York memorial service:

Thanks to Garth for all your help in making this NY service happen. Also, thanks to Garth for your moving but funny eulogy in both San Francisco and NY. Thanks to JPMorgan for hosting the event. I had a 30 year veteran of JPMorgan tell me that in his 30 years of experience, he did not think that JPMorgan has ever had a memorial service like this for an employee - a testament to how well Chrys was loved (and an indication of what a great job he did for JPMorgan).

Thank you to everyone who came out for the NY memorial service last week. It was bitter-sweet to see the east coast crowd again, but it was nice to get to socialize with the gang at dinner after the service.

It was also a pleasure for me to meet some of Chrys' extended family. His grandmother was just as Chrys had described - a firecracker, sharp as a tack, and genuinely sweet. She made me feel welcome and told me that she was glad that Chrys had me in his life. The rest of the family was warm and welcoming -- it's too bad that Chrys didn't have a chance to get to know this side of his family better before he passed...

I want to give special thanks to Lisa and Dan & Chrislan for the hospitality and letting me stay with them during my visits to NY & NJ. Also, thanks to Ken & Marlene for taking in Andy & Vicki during our trip.

And, while I did not exactly achieve one of my goals for the trip (I wanted to eat the spicy sausage pasta dish from Lisa's favorite Italian restaurant every day I was in NY), I want to thank Lisa & Jason for encouraging me towards this goal and even convinced me to order this dish twice in one day (for lunch and again for dinner)... Yes, it's THAT good -- ask Lisa!

"Hanging in there..." Part 2

2006-03-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere that the intensity of grief one feels for a lost love is exactly equal to the intensity of the love you had for the person when they were alive. I'm finding this to be extremely, painfully true. I loved Wurmie with all my heart...
In a previous post, however, I mentioned that I would try to limit this section of the website to happy thoughts about Wurmie, and that I would put depressing posts about my grieving process on my personal website at stephenyarbrough. So that is what I have done... Click at your own risk..

Roses from Chrys

2006-02-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

I miss Chrys more every day. And he doesn't make it any easier on me... Today he sent me flowers...

About 6 months ago, Chrys went to a business meeting in Portland. He arrived so late at the hotel that the only room available was set up for a romantic getaway... The floor and bed of the hotel was covered with rose petals and there was a bottle of champagne "chilling" in a stainless steel bucket filled with melted ice (i.e. luke warm water)...

Chrys called the front desk to ask if he got the correct room, and they apologized for the rose petals, but if he wanted, he should feel free to help himself to the champagne. It was late and Chrys was slightly stressed about the meeting the next morning, so he decided to have a glass of bubbly to help him get to sleep. Unfortunately, the cork easily popped off the warm champagne, and 1/3 of the bottle sprayed all over the bed and floor. Chrys spent the next 1/2 hour cleaning up wet rose petals before he could get to sleep...

I remember him telling me this story as it was happening, and we both had a good laugh... But what Chrys didn't mention was that he saved some of the non-soaked rose petals and snuck them into a side pocket of one of my suit cases. Today I was packing for my trip to New York (for his second memorial service) and I discovered the petals in a pocket along with a note... "Rose petals from Oregon, Love XXXOOO Chrys"

Wurm and the Whales

2006-02-26T11:12:00.000-08:00

For those who don't know, Chrys has been cremated and most of his ashes will be spread in Hawaii and China (his 2 favorite travel destinations). We are also keeping some ashes with us in one small and one enormous bronze humpback whale sculpture/urn. The burgundy box contains the ashes to be spread, the small whales will be kept by Andy & Vicky, and the Super-sized Whale will be kept with me.

It was a long, and rather funny process of shopping for an urn. Vicki and I would often make comments about how Chrys was laughing at us as we were shopping for the perfect urn. We had discovered the mini-whale "memento-urn" at the mortuary where Chrys was to be cremated. However, it was no longer in production, so we had to shop online for another urn for myself. After visiting 40+ urn websites and looking at every urn on the market, I had determined that the target market for urns was not exactly 30-something non-religious gay men in San Francisco.

I did keep coming back to the site with the giant whale. It's actually an original bronze sculpture converted into an urn. I called the website because I was certain that the dimensions were wrong - could they be advertising the shipping size with box and packaging? (13" high and 19" wide). But indeed, it really was a giant whale urn.

Whenever we were in Hawaii, Chrys and I would go into those marine life art stores where you could buy humpback whale sculpture coffee tables and 6 foot tall leaping dolphin statues. Chrys would always have a glee in his eye when he saw this type of (ahem, tacky) art work. I'd always agree, yes it's quite a piece of work, but that's not going to match the style of our future living room, so we'll have to pass for now...

Well, after a week of shopping for a tasteful urn, I realized that Chrys would be most thrilled with the choice of the giant humpback whale urn (I could almost hear his giggle laugh “Yay!” as I purchased the urn online. And if it makes Chrys happy, then it certainly makes me happy. Now I can’t stop admiring my new piece of marine life artwork!

I love you baby. I miss you.

"Hanging in there"

2006-02-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

Many people have asked how I am doing. Invariably, I answer, "hanging in there". Unfortunately, this is the best I could describe it... And unfortunately I tend to be "hanging in there" only when I'm on the phone or surrounded by people.

When I'm by myself, I do things that are not conducive to "hanging in there". For example, I'll call Chrys' cell phone to hear his voice in the outgoing message - then I'll break down and cry. Or I'll pick up his journal and read a passage - then break down and cry. Or, this morning, I did something not-so-bright -- I downloaded a depressing song from iTunes ("Goodbye my Lover" by James Blunt) and played it on repeat loop until I was so exhausted from crying that I decided it would be a good idea to take a break (and take a couple Ativan -- prescription, of course)...

Now I'm in a medically induced numb state and can get some more work done on Chrys' website.

Anyhoo, the whole point of this post is to let you know that this will probably be my only depressing passage about the grief that I'm going through. Future depressing posts about my grieving process will be limited to my personal blog at stephenyarbrough.com. I will try to use this section on ChrysWurmser.com to post Chrys-specific and hopefully happier thoughts...

Memorial Slide Show Video

2006-02-25T10:29:00.000-08:00

Attached is the slide show video that was shown at Chrys' memorial service.

Obituary for Chrys Wurmser

2006-02-24T23:34:00.000-08:00

Attached is a copy of the Obituary for Chrys as it appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle (and SFGate.com).

Chrystian Alden Wurmser

Died of leukemia on Feb. 3 surrounded by friends and family. He was 34.

Born in Connecticut and raised in Massachusetts, he attended Princeton University graduating magna cum laude with the class of 1992. An investment banker at JP Morgan for 11 years, Chrys worked in NYC before moving to SF in 1997.

Blessed with a brilliant mind, a quick sense of humor and a kind and generous soul, Chrys was a gentle and profoundly compassionate person who was devoted to those he loved. Affable, genuine and altruistic he was eager to lend a hand to anyone and was loved by all who knew or met him. Rarely speaking a negative word, he saw the good in every person.

Chrys was a passionate football fan, an avid bridge player, and a formidable foosball player. At home Chrys loved The Simpsons, sci-fi and fantasy films, a game of trivia or quarters and a cold beer. He traveled extensively to Hawaii and Hong Kong and deeply loved both places.

He is survived by his partner of four years, Stephen Yarbrough; brother, Andrew Wurmser; brother, Jonathan Wurmser; parents, Nancy and John Wurmser; goddaughter, Samantha Gove; miniature schnauzers, Alex and Dory; and a close circle of friends and colleagues. He will be sorely missed.

A Memorial Service is scheduled for 3 pm, Sat., Feb. 18 at the W Hotel in SF.

In lieu of flowers, a scholarship endowment in Chrys' name has been set up at Princeton University. Donations can be sent to: Princeton University, Gift Records, Chrystian Wurmser '92 Scholarship Fund, P.O. Box 5357, Princeton, NJ 08543-5357. For donations by phone call 1-800-258-5421 and mention Chrystian Wurmser '92 Scholarship Fund.

Published in the San Francisco Chronicle on 2/12/2006.