La Belle Dame Sans Regrets

Day 10, 11 & 12 of Gratitude

2009-11-12T01:48:00.000-08:00

I'm still in Hawaii. And, for now that's all I need to feel grateful.
Sometimes gratitude needs to be simple.

Day 6-9 of Gratitude

2009-11-09T15:27:00.000-08:00

I'm in Hawaii. Need I say more?

Booyah.

Day 5 of Gratitude

2009-11-05T22:46:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm grateful that I seriously injured my car by backing into a stucco pillar and will most likely need to get my entire rear bumper replaced.

Oh... except that I'm not grateful for that at all. In fact, I'm really upset about that. Stupid accident. Should have paid better attention.

So, for realsies... Today, I'm grateful for a really enjoyable night at a job I usually hate to go to.

Day 4 of Gratitude

2009-11-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, people. This really is going to happen everyday this month. Get used to it.

Today I'm grateful for ChaCha being a fat kid with me and stopping at two fast food joints to fulfill our cravings. It's good to have friends who will support you in your bad habits.

I should also say that I'm grateful that ChaCha went to the temple with me. I definitely needed a friend as it had been a very long time (cough cough seven months cough cough) since I've gotten there. I'll spare you the reasons why (and no it's not because I wasn't worthy... what kind of a girl do you think I am? Don't answer that). It's also good to have friends who will encourage you to get better habits.

Day 3 of Gratitude

2009-11-03T23:20:00.000-08:00

A stoplight. The breakroom. In line. Eating.

These are the little moments I'm grateful for today. Stolen moments wherein I can enter a literary world so different or so similar to my own. Sometimes a sentence, sometimes a paragraph, sometimes a few pages. I cherish these moments.

I always carry a book with me. Always. In the rare instances when I've forgotten it I panic. I feel like my left arm has been cut off. Waiting in line, at a stoplight, anywhere without a book is excruciating (only a slight exaggeration, I think).

The thing is: I love books. I love reading. I love passages that describe something so perfectly. I love learning. I love escaping to another world. I love connecting with myself through other's experiences. So not only am I grateful for the few moments in each day when I get to read, I am grateful for a conscious decision I made at the age of 21 to learn to love reading.

Day 2 of Gratitude

2009-11-02T23:59:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful that I finally found someone to play Battleship with me.
And, that that someone bought me pizza and ice cream, too.

sidenote:
This is the same box that I have for (one of) my battleship game(s). I bought it at D.I. a few months ago because it was the same version I grew up with. I know I shouldn't find this funny but notice where the women are. Yes, in the kitchen doing dishes. Lovesit.

Feet meet Street

2009-11-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

This morning I was watching the telecast of the ING NYC Marathon and heaven help me if I didn't cry through the whole thing.

I was pulling for Paula Radcliffe and Ryan Hall naturally. But as they fell back and the finish line neared my attention was turned.

Derartu Tulu was strong. She sprinted away from the competition looking like she could run another 26.2 miles. But it wasn't her win that impressed me most. It was her character.

"She ran alongside me and was like, come on, come on. We can do it, we can do it," a disappointed Radcliffe told reporters.
"Even when the girls took off she kind of waited with me a bit. But that's Derartu, She's always been like that." [Source]

I cried alongside Meb Keflezighi as he crossed the finish line with USA written across his chest and broke down in tears. Tears of joy. Tears of exhaustion. Mine were tears of awe. Tears of gratitude and pride in someone who became a citizen just over a decade ago yet represents the spirit of this nation better than most who have lived here forever.

It wasn't just the runners that moved me. It was running in general. There is something very special about running. I can't describe exactly what it is nor can you know unless you've allowed your feet to meet the street. Perhaps it has something to do with putting miles behind you, not only literally, but figuratively. Something to do with letting go of the past and embracing what lies ahead of you. Something to do with having the courage to do what and go where you never thought you could. Perhaps it has something to do with conquering a particular distance, a particular course that reveals your physical strength and mental tenacity. Something to do with teaching you about yourself and your ability to conquer the challenging course of everyday life.

Whatever it is. Running is special.

And, after a year long hiatus I am ready once again for my feet to meet the street.

Day 1 of Gratitude

2009-11-01T23:20:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful that I never have to cover my entire face in black makeup or spray my hair black ever again.

Though the results were super awesome. Happy Halloween.

Get it?

MIX TAPE of LOVE

2009-10-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

Attention- THIS IS A CONTEST. And, I want you to enter.

The other day I was driving around and listening to my ipod, George Michael (named in honor of the great George Micheal and George Michael Bluth). So, I started thinking about mixed tapes and how it would be nice to have someone to make a mix tape for... you know... someone like a boyfriend. And, I was also thinking about how there is so much amazing music out there that I don't even know about and how I know a lot of great music that other people don't know about and how it would be really awesome to share it all. Because, who needs a significant other just to enjoy love songs. Also, I go to a lot of weddings. I always laugh when a DJ plays a song that sounds like a love song because it's slow and pretty but really if you listen to the words you realize it's a breakup song. Gets me every time. I also spend a lot (more than is healthy) of time thinking about wedding videos and songs that would be awesome on a wedding video. Anyway...

Thus was born in my mind the "Mix Tape of Love" contest. So will you enter?

Here are the rules:

1) Mix Tapes must be submitted to me in the form of a CD (I know... seems wrong to call it a tape) via hand delivery or mail. Email me at cropstar5 at hotmail dot com and I will email you back my address.
2) MToL entries must have a minimum of 10 songs and a maximum of 20 songs.
3) The first half of the MToL must contain super cheesy, cliche love songs that you are embarassed to admit you love. The second half of the MToL must contain really amazing, rad love songs- the kind that you listen to on repeat for hours on end.
4) Entries must include a playlist including song names and artists.
5) Entries must be received by December 1st. That gives you one month, people.
6) Points will be given to cheesy love songs that make me laugh. Points will be given to amazing love songs that make me hit repeat. Points will also be granted based on originality and creativity.
7) The Winner will be declared... as soon as I listen to all the CDs (depending on how many entries there are... you know, like if all 1 of you who still read this blog want to enter).
8) All playlists will be posted here when the winner is announced.
9) The Winner will receive, um, something really cool. Like an iTunes gift card. All entries will receive some sort of prize (though it probably won't be as cool as a gift card).

For reals- spread the word to everyone you know, especially all the music connoisseurs you can think of. The more playlists we get, the more amazing music we all discover. It's a win, win, win situation, n'est-ce pas?

Edit- Bonus point for including a break up song posing as a love song. You know, the kind you'd hear at a wedding.

the climb

2009-09-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

Hello? (echo... echo...)

I know I have no right showing my face around here after abandoning you. But, there is something really important I need to share with you.

It's this: Miley Cyrus is right.

Wanna see what my bedroom looks like?
This:
I'm not kidding you people, I disgust myself. I cannot believe the filth I allow myself to live it.

If ones bedroom is a reflection of one's life I'll give you one guess what my life feels like.
The correct answer is: chaos.

Perhaps chaos is the reason there's been no blogging. Any given day for me involves running between 4 different jobs (yes... four), trying to maintain some semblance of a social life (thus maintaining my sanity, and that's not even an exaggeration) and what little energy I have left for spirituality, cleanliness, nutrition and sleep. Obviously, there has been no energy left for the latter 4 (yet I seem to have enough time to facebook and don't you dare judge me).

Life has been pretty crazy lately. I haven't really had (taken?) the time to process through the daily emotions so they've been accumulating. For months.

I photographed another wedding today. It was great. But, weddings are stressful. Very. Being responsible for the lasting memories a bride and groom have of their special day is a lot of pressure. It was awesome. Yet, it was the tipping point for me.

And that's when I found myself crying a little at the end of "Hannah Montana: The Movie". For those of you who haven't experienced the fine art that is HM:TM, at the end of the movie Miley (as Miley, mind you, not Hannah) sings The Climb. Let's not pretend you don't know and love the song... or that I didn't come home and purchase it on itunes and put it on repeat for the last... ahem... while (and if you really don't then you should just listen to it for the sake of knowing what I'm talking about here).

Here's the thing. The wedding really was great. I got to shoot alongside an amazing videographer and learned a ton from him. It was a beautiful day. The bride and groom were seriously two of the most quality, good people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. I was so genuinely happy for them. I feel like I got some beautiful shots. Then I started thinking about how I want... nay, need a new camera, lenses, a reflector, a video light, experience and more business. And, do we really even need to talk about the stress of trying to manage my daily schedule and figuring out where I need to be and when? Or, how all I really want is a husband and kids and I don't have that? Or, how I wish I was skinny and healthy and exercised all the time but haven't had (made?) time for it? Or, how I wish I could fix all my friends problems? Or, how I need to read the scriptures, pray and go to the temple but I can't find the motivation? Ugh. But, I digress...

I felt like I was on a high from the wedding until I started considering how much higher I want to and am able to get. I want to be good! I want to be great! I want to be amazing! And yet... getting to that higher level is going to take time and money (money that I don't have and have no idea how I'm going to get even though I feel like I work, and work, and work but can't even keep up with my current financial responsibilities and maybe I'm considering prostitution to get it... ok, not really) and hard work and innovation. And that realization was a little depressing and frustrating. I want it all. And I want it now.

Seriously, I wasn't even sure what I was feeling- happy? sad? loved? lonely? talented? inexperienced? hopeful? stressed?

And that's when Miley reminded me that:
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
And I knew she was right.
IT'S THE CLIMB, people!
It's the climb.

i think i can dance (aka- the day pasha hugged me)

2009-06-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

Go HERE to see what I did last tuesday. Otherwise known as the greatest day of my life.

totally inappropriate humor

2009-06-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

anyone who knows me knows i have the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy.

which is why:

a) i laughed myself to tears last weekend when at the circus (that's right... the CIRCUS! the circus at circus circus!) the announcer said of the juggler, "now watch as he manipulates seven balls!" didn't help that the guy was wearing skin tight pleather pants.

and

b) why i found this really funny:

Dear Me

2009-05-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

My awesome blogfriend Katie (girl crush, anyone?) started a project called Dear Me wherein "women write letters of advice to younger versions of themselves at crucial points in their personal histories". Genius.

Check out the first wave of letters posted here, then keep coming back for more. It'll make you laugh. It'll make you cry. It'll make you seriously ponder what advice you would give to yourself.

You can see my letter to me over at Dear Me but in case some of you are super lazy I'll post my letter here because you all know how I love talking about me. And what's better than me writing a letter to me?

Dear Creek,

Feels weird trying to give you advice as I'm pretty sure I'm the one who should be taking advice from you.

You're leaving for college in the morning. I know tonight feels like the end of life as you know it but I promise you (I PROMISE!) it only gets better from here. It sounds crazy now but pretty soon you will forget almost everyone from high school and the thing about it is... you won't even feel sad about it. Why? Because you are going to meet some amazing people and experience some amazing things.

It is sad to think about all the friends and acquaintances you will never see again and this will be a reoccurring theme as life goes on and you move from chapter to chapter. And even though life won't always turn out the way you'd hoped it would, you will always be blessed with great friends wherever you go and they will make every experience richer by their presence. Some will cross your path for only a short time and others will stay with you for life but rest assured, one constant in your life is fabulous friendships.

You are such a good person. It amazes me. As disappointing as it may sound, I wish I were half as good as you are. So, trust that you are good. Trust that you are great. One of the greatest days of your life is when you realize that you are great just the way you are. Forcing yourself to like Dave Matthews Band (at least more than you would on your own) just for the approval of a boy will one day seem just as absurd as confessing to the boy you like that you are a mega fan of Backstreet Boys (and seeing them in concert will, indeed, be one of the best nights of your life).

Which leads me to the next thing I must tell you. You aren't always going to make great decisions. There will be a lot of things you will be able to look back on and regret but you know what? Don't. Don't regret anything. Like the fact that your mantra in college will be "C's for degrees!" and you will heartily adhere to it? You won't have to regret that because college will be damn fun and the social and emotional education you get there will be worth more than a 4.0gpa any day. Be La Belle Dame Sans Regrets!

Now, having said that, pay attention to the most important piece of advice I will give you: Never underestimate yourself. Don't put limits on yourself. It'll take a lot of fear and a lot of difficult situations (ie training for a marathon) before you realize it but you are capable of WAY more than you give yourself credit for. You can do anything! It's amazing what dedication and consistent hard work will accomplish.

So there you have it. Go forward. Be brave. Be amazing. You already are. It's just time for you to believe it for yourself. Cheers!

xoxo, the 31yr old version of you

Who doesn't love free music?

2009-05-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

THIS is yet another reason why I love Coldplay.

more facebook fun

2009-05-28T01:33:00.000-07:00

I used to be in this ward that has this bishop that is... well... he's just Bishop Z. To know him is to love him. The best thing about him is his status updates. Full of righteousness, they are.

Today's was not atypical:
Bishop Z is ready to find all the members at the temple!!!
The follow up comment was gold:
will they be hiding?

What's tricky about being friends with your Bishop on Facebook is censorship.

My status today:
Cropstar is warmed up like biscuits... yeah, dance biscuits.
Bishop Z's follow up comment:
Hey dance biscuit where is the party?
My desired follow up comment:
In my pants.

i got my hair did... it didn't do like that before

2009-05-22T02:11:00.000-07:00

I've been threatening to do it for years. I couldn't come up with 5 good reasons not to do it. So...

I took some before pictures.

And then The Other One chopped off my locks. Doesn't it look like she's enjoying it a little too much?

And then I cried. Lit'rally.

15 inches. Gone.

This is why I should never let my hair air dry without product in it. Hello, 80's!

I usually love when people play with my hair but not like this.

The Other One did her magic and made me down right sassy.
Sometimes when your friend does your hair after hours at the salon she makes you clean up your own hair. And then you realize that you ~~have~~ had a sh'load of hair and that your friend cut most of it off. I'm still freaking out.

garage + glow sticks =

2009-05-14T03:23:00.000-07:00

I'll make you one too.

2nd time's a charm

2009-05-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

St George Marathon 2009
HERE I COME!!

This year I will actually make it to the start line
...and hopefully the finish line.

Not sure how I manage to draw for every running lotto I enter.
But, I'm glad I do.

Look forward to lots of running posts.
Official training starts on 6.1.09

Anyone else running it?

DO(n't qu)IT

2009-05-05T01:02:00.000-07:00

Lately, this idea of giving up plagues my mind.

I mean, really.
What's so bad about giving up?

If you give it your best, if you give it your all, if you give it the old college try, when is it ok to say "I give up"?

Is it wrong to abandon hope?
Is it so wrong to forsake goals you've been unable to achieve?
Is it wrong to want to end the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams?
When can you say, "enough is enough"?

Maybe I don't really want a "real" job again.
Maybe being single for life isn't so bad.
Maybe I can be fat and happy.

I throw my arms in the air and exclaim "I give!"

But, then. There it is. That little voice in my head that says silly things like, "Just hang on", "Someday soon", "You can do this", "This won't last forever", "You will be loved", "Anything is possible".

And the crazy thing about it all is that little voice speaks louder than any other and I'm foolish enough to listen to her.

Blogs

2009-04-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

I still consider myself a blogger in these days of light posting because most of my blogging activity has been in the form of reading other blogs and wishing I was clever enough and had enough motivation to blog about what other bloggers just blogged about. Here's two for the day:

I realized it's not dirty hippies that I hate. It's hipsters.

All I really want is a boy who will sin for me.

(oxy)moron

2009-04-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about the contradiction that is me:

I'm a self proclaimed conservative republican. I really am. I just see no other way to be.

However... I'm addicted to NPR.

I know! I know! I can't stop! I know I'm supposed to be listening to Hannity and Rush (seriously, I don't like either of those guys) and Glenn (love him though) but try as I might I cannot stop listening to NPR. It's been going on for weeks now and the end is no where in sight. I feel like such a traitor to my party when I listen to such "liberal" news (seriously, it's not). I don't love it just for the news. I also love it for all the dirty hippy, tree huggin, liberal, weed smokin, indie lovin, eco-freak, soft spoken, socialist, patchouli scented other crap on there too.

My father would be so ashamed if he knew.

LunchLadyLand

2009-04-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

Seriously, do you know how hard it is to follow up a post like the last one? I mean, there's a lot of pressure.

Apologies for the absence. I've been away a while because thanks to webMD I'm a self diagnosed ~~sexaddict~~ depressed person. Seriously there's nothing more depressing than realizing that you just might have depression. It's a bitch of a downward spiral. Not to worry though. It's not that serious. I've just hit a bit of a rough patch on my life path (to nowhere... or so it seems).

You see, my career in engineering (and thus my ability to pay my bills) is a thing of the past.
My career as a lunch lady, however, is a thing of the present.

Here's the thing about being a lunch lady: It's awesome. Seriously, the kids... loves'em. I hear a lot of funny things everyday but the very best conversation happened last week between 2 third grade boys discussing soft vs crunchy taco shells.

B1: I like the soft ones.
B2: Most boys like the soft ones.
B1: Yeah, and girls like the hard ones.
Me: That's what she said!

OK... so maybe I didn't actually say that out loud but you know I wanted to.

Playgroup

2009-02-24T16:16:00.001-08:00

This is the true story about how I joined a playgroup and got kicked out on the same day.

All my working life I envied 'stay at home moms'. Anything with "stay at home" in the job title has got to be awesome. Right? Cue all the stay at home moms screaming "NO!" A few weeks ago I got a taste of how that job title is not all it's cracked up to be.

I had some friends/family staying at my house for the weekend, one of which was a miniature person. She was 3 and we were instant-a-friends. On the last day of the trip she and I went on a walk. It was a gorgeous monday and since I am basically unemployed I wanted to experience what people do during the day when they're not stuck in an office. (I mean, seriously, did you guys know that the sun shines ALL DAY?) I had no destination in mind but 1 mile and 20 minutes later we ended up at the park in my neighborhood. Perfect.

I saw 3 moms sitting on the grass chit-chatting and watching their kids play. I didn't take much notice of them until they said they recognized me from church. My bad. I totally didn't recognize any of them. But I did recognize their kids, probably because kids in church are still a novelty to me. Anyway, I got to know them a bit then turned my attention back to the playground to get in some time on the slide and in the sand. As my friend the Black Widow noted, "So, you joined a playgroup... as one of the kids?" Apparently! While the "other moms" were talking amongst themselves I was on the slide with my 3 yr old and their 3 yr olds making a train over and over and over. Oh, we were having a great time.

Suddenly, there was a problem. My miniature friend looked at me with panic in her eyes and exclaimed, "I have to go potty!" Unfortunately, there were no bathrooms at the park. Being prepared for a moment like this did not occur to me before we left the house. Call me self centered.

I asked the moms in vain if there was a bathroom nearby. Graciously one of them offered to let us go to her house across the street to use her facilities. They started packing up but, I soon realized that would not do. My dear, miniature, panicked friend had waited until the last possible moment to inform me that she was fixin' to talk to a man about a horse and there would be no walking across the street to do so. The panic spread from her eyes to mine as I looked to the moms for some guidance.

"We make our boys go in the rocks" they said. Hold up. My minifriend is a girl. She ain't skilled in the squatting if you know what I mean. By the time I got my wits about me minifriend had already started the accident in her pants and added tears for effect. I whisked her to the rocks, yanked down her pants and sat her over my arm so she could finish her business. When I thought the piddle had petered out I asked her if she was finished. She looked at me with a blank look in her eyes which I had no idea how to interpret. At least the crying had stopped. I asked her again. No response. And then... she dropped the deuce. Oh yeah. She went #2 right there in the rocks while I held my arm out for her to sit on.

Do you know what you do when you have a kid go #1 and #2 in the rocks while sitting on your arm? You pray there is a mother standing there with her magical diaper bag full of tricks. It was now me with the blank look in my eyes as I turned to my new mom friends with no clue what to do next. There they were with babywipes and a plastic garbage bag for me to clean up the mess. Thank th'goodness. Once minifriend was taken care of (and smiling and happy again with no consideration for the trauma I was now going through) I took the plastic bag and picked up the poop.

People. Do you know the main reason why I don't have a dog? I don't have a dog because picking up dog poop makes me dry heave. It's disgusting. Let me tell you, picking up child poop in the same manner? Not. Any. Better. But, I did it.

I now considered the mile long return walk home and the chaffing that would occur on that poor girl if I didn't carry her and the pee soaked pants she was wearing that would get all over me if I did carry her. Umm... But, there they were again, my new mom friends offering me a ride home. Again, thank th'goodness. I didn't want to get pee all over the mom's seat so I made minifriend sit on my lap on the way home thus saturating my clothes with pee anyway. But, we were home and I could pass her off to her parent to clean up the rest of the mess.

As we walked in the door she exclaimed with a smile, "I peed in the park!" as if it were her greatest accomplishment. We were both proud of ourselves. She peed in the park and I didn't sell her to the gypsy family down the street for putting me through the trauma of dealing with it.

So, while the moms haven't called me to invite me back to playgroup (understandably) I can take heart knowing that I taught my miniature friend one of the most valuable skills she will ever need in life: how to squat in nature.

The end.

31 FOR 31

2009-02-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

I'm almost 2 months late posting this so I'd better get on it. I hereby present you my list of 31 things I will do at the age of 31 (seriously, I can't believe I'm now "in my thirties").

go to the Grand Canyon
ride a horse*
take photos in a photobooth*
read the Book of Mormon in french*
read 20 books
run 500 miles
run a marathon
photograph an entire wedding
go geocaching outside of Las Vegas
buy art
frame my own photography
ride my bike to church
go to DC
pay off credit cards
take swimming lessons
go skinny dipping*
go to an amusement park
find a (photography) mentor
research organic foods
have a spa day*
go to a demolition derby
attend First Friday
share a Book of Mormon with someone
read the entire Harry Potter series again
go hiking in the Valley of Fire
make a quilt
play the piano in Sacrament Mtg (special musical number)
donate money to a worthy cause
compile a book (a la David Sedaris)
lose 31lbs
get married* (I'll just keep this one on the list for good measure until it finally happens)

Who wants in on what??

*denotes unaccomplished repeats from 30 for 30

30 for 30: recap ammendment

2009-02-11T01:32:00.000-08:00

confess to a crush - retro check! I think it went very well. I didn't confess to my girl crush. I confessed to a boy. A real boy. I think he already knew ;)