Psycho Bird Zone: One of Two Official Bird Blogs

Psycho No Deal Zone

2007-07-29T03:48:00.000-07:00

I am now officially announcing that the Psycho Bird Zone has now merged with Bird… Or No Deal to create the Psycho No Deal Zone. PNDZ will not be exclusively birds, but you will still definitely see the occasional bird. This means that this URL will no longer be updated with awesome birds, as those updates will be there.

I very much suggest you check it out and keep checking it out every day forever until the end of time.

Collaboration

2007-07-18T01:57:00.000-07:00

I feel it’s important to notify my loyal readers of this blog that I have entered into negotiations with YA$H, the creator of “Bird… Or No Deal” with the intent of either hiring him to join this blog, or creating an entirely new collaborative venture with him. Do now worry however, as you will still get your fix of birds at whatever the “new” blog ends up being.

I should be able to let you know of our progress fairly soon, so keep checking.

Intel President

2007-07-05T19:18:00.001-07:00

Intel President
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Okay, so this bird could lose a little weight. That's no reason to judge him. He has a job just like you and me, and is trying to make an honest living. So, his job is a competitive hair-eater, so what? We all have our strengths, and I believe it is our duty to play to those strengths and give the world what we can best offer.

Having said that, I will admit that this bird is kind of disgusting, not that's no reason to lose respect for him. As a matter of fact, this bird is the president of the Intel corporation. You think people build computer processors? You're wrong my friend. Intel's processors are created when they come out of this bird's mouth, literally, in the form of vomit.

This bird has some demons that he has struggled with for years. Due to his financial success, he has been known to go for fast cars, loose women, and booze. It is fortunate that he has as much money as he does, or he would have gone broke. He purchased Ferraris, hired numerous prostitutes (from which he acquired numerous STDs), and spent millions of dollars on liquor.

Today, people suspect he has reformed, as he has a wife and children, but no one really knows what goes on behind the doors of his mansion. He rarely exits the mansion, and rumors suggest that he tends to reside in the darkness and avoid the light at all costs. He does have one good friend who vouches for him, but he refuses to explain his eccentricities. This friend, of course, is the fictional character Harry Potter. Unfortunately, I was unable to reach him for comment.

How was I able to get this photograph you ask? Well, I admit that this is one of the few photos on this blog that I have not personally taken. It is actually a publicity photo from Intel's web site.

I would also like to announce that our parent web site, devastationstudios.com has just launched a podcast titled the Richard and John Show. Be sure to check that out. For the record, it's made by me.

Another Birdle-like Beast

2007-06-25T01:53:00.001-07:00

Another Birdle-like Beast
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Some might confuse this bird with the "Birdle" that I have previously posted about, but this bird is markedly different. While they both exhibit traits of bird/turtle hybrids, that bird was elderly and spoke English. This bird is near mindless, and spends a great amount of time waddling along the beach with its head in the sand, scooping up and eating starfish and barnacles with it's beak. It doesn't exactly digest the starfish and barnacles, but rather it stores them in a small compartment in its throat. When threatened, the turtle opens it's mouth and unleashes the still living starfish and barnacles at breathtaking speeds towards the aggressor.

This bird doesn't actually eat and digest much of anything. Rather, it feeds on the souls of the damned and human mustaches. The souls are stolen from soul canisters that are sold in bulk at Costco. The mustaches are fed upon at night, when men are sleeping. Many mustached men wake up without mustaches, and consequently are fired from their jobs, left by their families, and evicted from their homes.

This bird's arch enemies are samurais and matadors, especially when they work together by merging their mind-powers together to create an orb of kinetic energy that they load into a catapult and launch at the bird. Fortunately, this bird has developed a defense mechanism to this attack – it's heart stops beating and it dies before the energy orb appears, thus denying the samurais/matadors the pleasure of knowing that they defeated the creature.

Bird By The Pool

2007-06-14T18:35:00.001-07:00

Bird By The Pool
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

My apologies for not having updated sooner, but I was out of town bird watching. Nevertheless, I do have an update for all of you patient folks. I first saw this bird when I was trespassing on private property in order to use a private swimming pool, but when I arrived through the bushes, I saw that I was not alone. This bird was relaxing by the pool on a pool chair, reading a magazine. I decided to approach the bird and attempt to take photographs using my binoculars. Unfortunately, this was unsuccessful and I was forced to use my camera.

Eventually, he spotted me, but seemed unconcerned about my trespassing. I asked him if he lived there, and he told me that he did not, but rather had just broke in and tied up the house's inhabitants so he would be able to use the pool for a while. As you may have noticed by now, many birds are notorious for breaking the law in various fashions, and this bird was certainly no different. He had his son with him, playing in the pool which was full of humpback whales. I hesitate to say "playing in the pool", because due to the size of humpback whales, only two or three fit in this pool, and only then when they were curled up in something of a ball, and they were essentially stacked on top of each other, the top of the pile at least 10 feet above the surface of the water. Needless to say, this left very little room for this bird's son, or even water.

I decided to sit down with the bird by the pool, and try to gather some information about him, and other birds like him. One of my first questions pertained to gender – as you may have noticed, the vast majority of birds on this blog I refer to as males, though there isn't exactly any proof other than dress and appearance; I decided to get some definitive information right from the horse/bird's mouth. I got a rather enlightening response. Apparently, birds reproduce asexually via mitosis, much like single cell organisms.

I also asked him about the average lifespan for a bird, but before he could answer, he boarded a space elevator with rocket boosters, and flew off towards the moon.

Lobotomy

2007-05-22T03:49:00.001-07:00

Lobotomy
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird had a lobotomy a number of years, and has not coped well. Years ago, this bird was a real troublemaker. It would run screaming down streets in the middle of the night, he would throw rocks at windows, and even go as far as to throw footballs at people. Perhaps these actions didn't warrant a lobotomy, but in its shop class, as it was cutting a piece of wood, a splinter got in the finger of a classmate. That classmate was the daughter of a rich and influential man, who lobbied for the lobotomy, and ultimately succeeded.

Now, this bird lives in a hospital, where it sits in a wheelchair at one end of a chessboard, while old men play both sides of the game. It takes pills daily to keep it from ceasing to breathe, and wheels around on a basketball court while other people throw basketballs at it, in an ironic turn of events.

Recently, it "befriended" an older gentleman who offered to teach him the way of the wind. A raving lunatic, this gentleman believes that when the wind blows excessively, he gains incredible powers that he will use, in conjunction with the bird's powers that he hopes to teach, to break out of the hospital. If this ever comes to fruition, you can be certain that you will hear about it first, here at the Psycho Bird Zone.

Bird Science

2007-05-17T02:17:00.001-07:00

Bird Science
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird is a world famous scientist that is working on reversing the polio vaccine. This is generally thought by most in the medical field to be a pointless exercise in idiocy, but this renegade bird scientist pays them no mind.

Some of this particular bird's other scientific endeavors include a pancake that's thickness is equal to its diameter, a potion that allows humans to grow the multiple rows of teeth like sharks, and a very small hat.

You might be wondering what the clipboard that this bird is holding says. It says nothing. In fact, it is a rather crude crayon drawing of a nude woman. The beaker it is holding in its other hand contains water from a river. Another interesting personality trait about this bird – it is autistic. This ends up making it difficult to accomplish much as a scientist, but considering what its goals are, this is seen by most to be more a blessing than a curse to the world at large.

Hello, Ladies

2007-05-08T03:30:00.001-07:00

Hello, Ladies
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird is something of a ladies man. He lives in a large house; some would even call it a mansion. He spends most of his time lying around his house, nude, watching prostitutes he hires dance for him. Unfortunately, due to the fact that he has no genitals, much like most birds, his nights usually end up in a great deal of weeping.

Having made a substantial amount of money thanks to some lucky investments, he has no need to work. He doesn't have much knowledge as far as money management however, so he ends up wasting a great deal of it on diamond chandeliers and golden silverware. He frequently hires actors to act out his scripts, which are terrible. They all focus on bizarre horse characters; horses as police, horses eating dinner, horses playing baseball, all the usual clichés. He even hired Tim Allen for one of his plays.

This bird's reputation is mostly negative. Most other birds realize that he will likely be bankrupt within months. The prostitutes he hires are disgusted by him and pray that they are not the next to be hired.

Bob Bone and the Flower Store

2007-05-01T04:43:00.001-07:00

Bob Bone and the flower store
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This vulture owns a small store selling custom flower arrangements, but in his time off he gets into constant arguments, most of which he instigates. His name is Bob Bone, and he is as close to having split personality disorder as possible without having two separate personas. He simply has an exceptionally wide variety of emotions. When he is selling flower arrangements he is usually very personable, always trying to help his customers and being kind and forgiving of his employees. However, when the store closes its doors for the day, the instant he walks out on the street, his fists are clenched, furious for no reason whatsoever.

This photo was taken on such an occasion, and I witnessed one of these "fights". It was actually with one of his frequent customers. The customer had arrived just as the store was closing, and she was understandably disappointed. She politely asked if he might re-open the store, but he was extremely offended. He let loose with a barrage of verbal abuse, ending with a threat that sent her running off into the distance. I don't actually think he has ever been in a physical fight, and I suspect that he wouldn't fare very well in such a situation.

Even in his store, if the doors are closed for business, he still goes into fight mode. He threatens his plants, taking particular offense to the venus fly traps that he sells. I have heard rumors that one night, he actually started punching his plants, but he was bitten by a venus fly trap that almost severed his finger. He is said to have cost himself several thousand dollars in damages that night.

Frank Thunderfist

2007-04-24T00:41:00.001-07:00

Frank Thunderfist
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird, Frank Thunderfist, is a former world champion bodybuilder in addition to being the brother of Tony Thunderfist, a bird I have written about previously. Frank had made a fortune in endorsement deals, and had won tremendous fame with his numerous wins in competitions. He became an international sensation. That is, until he was hit by a bus one day when he was signing autographs.

Not only did the bus break both of his legs, it also sent him flying through the air at least 30 feet. His head landed in an open mailbox, and all the mail that was in the mailbox gave him hundreds of paper cuts all over his face, leading to irreversible brain damage.

Of course, after losing his mental faculties and physical prowess, interest in Frank Thunderfist dwindled to practically nothing. He got a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart, but things took a turn for the worse when he greeted a gang without using the proper hand signal. This led to a brutal beating that left Frank with even more broken bones and shattered dreams.

His brother Tony took him into his house to keep an eye on him, but things broke down when Frank spilled a bowl of cheerios, and Tony entered into a steroid fueled rage. He threw a lamp at Frank and broke his nose, and then proceeded to kick him out into the street.

Another Wal-Mart employee decided to take pity on him. Her name was Jessica, and she took Frank into her home and acted as a full time caregiver. Unfortunately, one day when she came home from work, she found that Frank had hanged himself using tied together Twizzlers.

Bank Robbery

2007-04-19T04:32:00.001-07:00

Bank Robbery
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird may not look dangerous, but it certainly is. I was making a bank deposit when I first ran into this bird. A couple windows down, this bird was making a withdrawal – a very large one that included money that didn't belong to it. I took this shot as he revealed his knife to the teller, threatening to use it if they did not give him the money. Unfortunately for this particular bird, there was a thick layer of glass between him and the teller, who simply sounded the alarm. Police took the bird down in seconds.

You likely will notice the fact that this bird has six arms. I don't know the source of the anomaly, but it is something I have never seen before in any other birds. From what I saw, it seemed to be able to use all of its arms with the same mobility of any other bird. This didn't seem to help him though, as he was still apprehended by the police without much of a fight.

I visited this bird ten months later, and he seemed to be quite mellow. I don't know if this is a result of the imprisonment, or of he had always been mellow. He told me that he had been on speed when he robbed the bank, which is why it was such a terrible and impulsive plan. I believe him, and from the little time I spent with him, I got the impression that he was cold and calculating, and that as soon as he was released he would be back to robbing banks. He even told me that he had been raising a tornado in his house since it was a baby, and that when it was a full grown tornado, he would use it to propel himself, while on a bicycle with a chainsaw on the front, through the vault door to access the money.

On my way out, I hit the guard in the back of the head with a bat, took his keys, and threw them in the bird's cell.

Birdle

2007-04-13T05:00:00.001-07:00

Birdle
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird is similar to the Galapagos tortoise, particularly since it is calm; it lives for hundreds of years, and moves very slowly. However, unlike the Galapagos tortoise, this creature's shell is far too small to be of any protection; it has a significant amount of brown hair, and obviously has a beak.

That said, this bird creature talks. It speaks English, and tells great stories, thanks to its age. Children gather around frequently to hear its stories. It was a general in World War 1, and commanded American troops in their invasion of the underwater kingdom of Atlantis. They fought only with their teeth. It's a little known fact that WW1 was a biting war, and all the deaths were caused by biting frenzies. To avoid confusion, I want to put to rest right now the notion that this is cannibalism, as it's not. More like when a cat bites a human. Obviously the cat can't eat the person, it is an attack.

In any case, he won the battle, and took over Atlantis, becoming its emperor. He forced the citizens to build him a huge castle with lasers as missile defense. They cooked him huge meals that he wasted, eating about 5% and throwing the rest to his pet aqua-dogs. Unfortunately, they had scuba suits so they were unable to eat and died.

I don't know what happened from this point until today, and neither does he as his memory is mostly gone. He spends most of his time in old folks home, either sleeping, eating, having fits, or entertaining children

Formal Dinner Accident

2007-04-11T02:15:00.001-07:00

Formal Dinner Accident
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I met this bird when I was at a formal dinner with the president of Toyota. I'm not sure whether or not this particular bird was in fact invited, but he showed up nonetheless. He arrived sober (as best I could tell), but that didn't last very long. The first drink came with everybody else's, but the way in which he drank it differed in that he downed it instantly. He seemed to feel the effects within seconds, slamming his fist on the wineglass, shattering it. He screamed and then called for another drink. This pattern continued, repeating at least thirty times before they refused to serve him again.

This sent him into a furious rage, when he began to throw things – plates, broken glass, shoes, knives, and so on. Only three people were injured before he left via jumping out the window of the three story building. It's a miracle he survived, and after he regained consciousness, he limped across the lawn to a parked fire truck across the street at the fire department. He threw a rock at the windshield, breaking the glass, allowing him to enter. Apparently the last driver had left their keys in the car, as the lights lit up and the engine revved rather quickly.

The fire truck began accelerating very quickly, the tires squealing. It swerved from side to side briefly before getting control. He was headed straight to the building we were in. people gathered at the window to look down at all the commotion. As he got closer and closer, we all began to get nervous.

It turned out that we had a good reason to be nervous, because he slammed into the building with incredible velocity. The building shook and everybody fell to the ground, spilling wine everywhere. The crash had created a fire, and it was climbing up to the second floor. We were next. We didn't know what to do, but when the flames hit the wine on the ground, we knew we had to do something. Fortunately, I always wear parachutes to formal dinners, so I jumped out the window and only suffered an ankle sprain. I assume everybody else died.

Stan the Toucan

2007-04-04T23:54:00.001-07:00

Stan the Toucan
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This toucan was named Stan. Stan was a retired professional golfer, living out his life with his fortune that he'd accumulated. Stan was one of the birds that had the intellect of humans, but Stan had suffered a concussion at the hands of Tiger Woods, when Tiger had accidentally swung his golf club into the back of Stan's head. This had left Stan with severe brain damage, and left him unable to care for himself without professional full-time help.

He ended up being confined to his mansion where he would sit and play with Tonka trucks and Legos for hours and hours on end. He would not recognize old friends and acquaintances, but he was approached by one of his old fans one day who offered him a job as a helicopter pilot. He immediately accepted but refused to go through any training of any sort. When he did make the flight, he crashed during takeoff, killing all of his passengers. Fortunately, he was not injured, and he was escorted by federal authorities from the crashed helicopter directly to prison.

This photo was taken one day when I visited him in prison. I stuck the camera lens through the cell's bars, got the thumbs up, and that was that. I left and never spoke a word to him. I have heard that he is writing an autobiography, but I am suspicious of his writing ability. Ah well, I suppose we'll see soon enough

The Beast

2007-04-04T02:28:00.001-07:00

The Beast
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Another bird like the previous "animalistic" birds, this bird is actually quite large. Approximately the size of an elephant, this bird slowly marches along the desert in search of food. Its primary diet consists of cacti and camels.

This particular bird I encountered when I was trekking across the Sahara on a camel, when I heard thunderous footsteps in the distance. By the time I turned around, it was only 10 feet away, and it was charging at nearly 20 miles an hour. I was immediately thrown off the camel, breaking my arm and shoulder. The camel tipped over on to it's side violently, sending up sand in a blinding gust. By the time I had wiped the sand from my eyes and I could see, the bird had dislodged it's jaw like a snake and was devouring the camel whole. I stared in wonder as it ate, oblivious to my existence. After finally devouring it, it snorted and turned towards me, but didn't seem to take much interest. It slowly turned away, and began slowly walking back in the direction that it had come.

I would have thought that the body of the camel would be big enough to show some increase in size, but the creature was already so bloated I couldn't notice any difference whatsoever. I would have followed it, but I only had a small bottle of water, and with my camel dead and gone, I would have to use every bit of strength I had to get back to civilization.

Elvis

2007-03-29T04:59:00.001-07:00

Elvis
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Okay, so this isn't actually Elvis, but it's as close as you're likely to get in the world of birds. Despite the dissimilarity, this bird will answer to not other name than Elvis. I met this bird at a bachelor party for a friend of mine, and it turns out that this bird was the "entertainment". Needless to say, there was a lot of disappointment all around. Initially, there was some slight laughter, with the majority of us assuming that this was a joke, but after 10 minutes of this bird standing in one place, making squawking noises "imitating" Elvis, it became apparent that this was all we were going to get.

Within the hour, everyone had left the party, except for me and the bird. I wanted to speak with the bird out of curiosity – how did it get this job, and why? I also needed to ask the guy organizing the party why he had hired the bird, a question he has yet to answer. Unfortunately, he left in his Camero before I had a chance to speak with him. I don't know what his situation was exactly, but I suspect it was some sort of prank or something.

Anyway, unfortunately, this bird was one of those birds that doesn't speak. It seems that birds fall into the speaking and non-speaking category. The speaking category seems to be fairly intelligent, or at least intelligent enough to hold a simple conversation. The non-speaking category seems more like a pet dog or cat. They are alive certainly, but unable to communicate or think coherently. This bird certainly falls into the latter category, and I wasn't able to get any information whatsoever. I took a photo of it (which it didn't even respond to), and left.

This is a situation similar to the Babe Ruth situation I posted about a week ago, in which these pet-like birds are being taken advantage of. The Babe Ruth bird was getting married, which I doubt it even understood, and this bird being sent out as "entertainment" at bachelor parties. I suspect that there is some sort of company that sends out these birds to "entertain", despite them being completely clueless, and pays them nothing.

I think the government ought to step up to the plate here. We can't just let these birds be continually abused. Something has to be done. I would suggest that the more competent birds take initiative, but there seems to be some sort of feud between them and the "lesser" birds.

The World's Strongest Bird

2007-03-28T01:43:00.001-07:00

The World's Strongest Man
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Several months ago I took out a classified ad in my local newspaper, advertising steroids and other assorted illegal drugs, and the first call I received was from this bird. His name is Tony Thunderfist, and his body, surprisingly, is not all natural. We arranged a meeting at a bus stop several miles from my house. I brought the goods.

When he arrived, his eyes were bloodshot, and he was constantly twitching and making mock hand-washing motions with his hands. He looked nervously to the right, and then to the left, and he asked to see the stuff. I showed it to him, we agreed on a price, and I sold him some steroids.

Just the other day, I was watching television, and I was surprised to see my old "friend" was competing in a weightlifting competition. His body was significantly larger than it was when I last saw him (perhaps thanks to the steroids), and he was sitting on a bench, waiting for his turn. On an impulse, I decided to drive up to the competition (which was only about 15 minutes away) and see him.

By the time I arrived, he had already had his turn, so I decided to wait outside until he had finished his paperwork and packed his stuff, and I could speak to him on his way out. I later learned that he had ended up failing to hold the weight over his head for but a split second, and he became enraged at his failure. He had thrown the weights at the judges, breaking one of one of the judges' legs. He had even bitten the referee's arm. When his rampage had ended, he ran for the door, with the police right behind him. He got to the door first, got outside, and lifted a car over his head and used it to block the doors. He then turned to see me.

We had a fairly long discussion, and he agreed to pose for some pictures. I gave him my card, in the event that he wanted some more steroids, which I had still a substantial amount of.

The Baseball Game

2007-03-22T04:19:00.001-07:00

The Baseball Game
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I don't know a whole lot about this bird except that it was a bit of a social outcast. I don't know its name, or gender for that matter, but I saw it at a baseball game, stumbling around on the stairs in the stands. I walked over to try to help it, or at least ask what was going on, but it immediately vomited all over the place. I suspect that this bird is deranged, or at least has some sort of mental disability. It didn't seem to be able to speak coherently – it made noises, but nothing intelligible.

Not that I'm complaining, it was actually a relief to not have to talk to a bird, or convince them to let me photograph them. It just stumbled around like some sort of sick animal while I photographed it. I felt quite sorry for it actually, as other fans in the stands were throwing empty plastic cups, hot dogs, and other assorted items at it, pointing and laughing. When struck, it did make some sort of noise, and it instinctually flinched, but it was clearly very confused.

I didn't know how it got into the game, until after the game had ended. One of the players of the winning team, I believe his name was Babe Ruth, introduced the creature as his wife. I guess this would signify it as female, but it really didn't exhibit any feminine characteristics. Either way, it was definitely either ill or mentally challenged, and I couldn't help but feel that this "Babe Ruth" was taking advantage of it.

'Quihlo

2007-03-21T21:43:00.001-07:00

'Quihlo
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I met this bird at the Guggenheim Museum in New York City several years ago. Apparently, he was an artist himself, and was visiting his favorite museum to gain inspiration for his next project. Unlike Frederick, this bird, 'Quihlo, was actually quite talented. He has apparently had several exhibitions in the past few months, and is said to be one of the brightest stars on the horizon.

He was a magnificent sculptor, but his story is not a happy one. His wife was his muse and his ultimate inspiration, and he was nothing without her. One day, she left him. She took their truck and loaded it with valuables, such as bubble gum and skateboards, and took off into the night. When he woke up, 'Quihlo was distraught. He had no idea what to do. She had left him a note, stating that she was leaving for Kentucky. Knowing that his career was over without her, he decided to chase after her. He got into their other car, and went towards the only place in Kentucky he knew she could be going – her ex-husband's house.

Upon arriving, he saw through the window that she was indeed there. He knocked on the door. Her ex-husband answered, and 'Quihlo immediately struck him with a baseball bat. His wife screamed and recoiled and horror. He violently grabbed her, took her over his shoulder, put her in his trunk, and headed home.

He told me during our meeting at the Guggenheim that she was still at his house, a hostage. After we parted ways, I notified the police, who presumably contained the problem.

The police occupied, I then looted the Guggenheim, stole several priceless works of art, and sold them on the black market for a fortune. I used this fortune to build a statue of a giant smashed beer can.

The Ski Lodge

2007-03-15T15:41:00.001-07:00

The Ski Lodge
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I met this bird in a ski lodge in Colorado 6 years ago. He worked as a college professor at Harvard University in the field of European History and he was there with his family on vacation over the Christmas holidays. His wife and two children were out skiing, and he was sitting in the lodge having broken his leg on the slopes.

He was fairly depressed, and he went on to tell me about his marital problems. Apparently, his wife had grown tired of his company and had decided to have an affair. She worked in a graveyard as a zombie guard – looking for zombies to come out of the graves at night, and killing them before they get a chance. Apparently one of these zombies had been the zombie of her old high school sweetheart, and she couldn't resist.

She had just informed him a few days ago, and told him that their marriage was over, and she was going to get remarried to the zombie. She wanted to keep the children, but he didn't think they should be raised by zombies – zombies tend to be bad influences. He had already noticed his wife's meals start to have side orders of brains.

I don't know what became of him, because at this point in the story I decided to go get some hot chocolate, and when I returned, he was gone. It wasn't a big loss to be honest; I was beginning to tire of his story.

The Subway Incident

2007-03-15T01:08:00.001-07:00

The Subway Incident
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I took this photo on the New York subway, and I have to say that I regret it. This bird was not nearly as friendly as some. Immediately after he saw the flash bulb go off, he turned and stormed straight in my direction. He put his face inches away from mine, and lifted his arm and poked me in the chest, menacingly.

"Give me the camera." He demanded.

"No way, this camera was expensive. If you want, I'll just delete the photo." I said, even though I had no intention of deleting the photo.

"No, that's not good enough. I need to know that the photo is gone forever." He said without hesitation.

He was clearly beginning to get frustrated. I didn't want to delete the photo, let alone give him my $5000 camera, but I wasn't about to get into a fight with this bird. Fortunately, there were a few police officers nearby, so in the event that he started a fight, it likely would be broken up before getting out of hand. I tried to calm him down as best I could, but he just seemed to get angrier. So I did what I thought was the only real thing I could do. I sucker punched him and ran as fast as I could. I heard a substantial amount of profanity behind me, as well as some demands to stop from police officers as I ran, but due to the crowd, they was never able to catch me.

Charles and Bessie Lou

2007-03-08T22:01:00.001-08:00

Charles and Bessie Lou
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Charles and his dog Bessie Lou are two real inspirational stories. Charles was born in a Japanese internment camp in 1943. It was there that he met Bessie Lou who taught him the ways of the samurai. Fortunately, these samurai skills allowed Charles to fight his way through numerous guards, and cut a hole in the barbed wire fence to escape through. However, there was one ultimate guard that remained.

The ultimate guard featured 2 inch thick body armor, a helmet reminiscent of "Shredder" of Ninja Turtles fame, a long red cape, and huge cowboy boots. The ultimate guard revealed his tomahawks that he juggled in a display of arrogance and skill. Charles was taken aback, and he dropped his trusty sword. Seeing that Charles was unable to defend himself, the ultimate guard threw his tomahawks. Just as the tomahawks were about to collide with Charles, Bessie Lou jumped between them and him, and used her telekinetic powers to turn the tables, throwing the tomahawks back at the guard. Once the tomahawks collided with the guard, he immediately exploded.

Able to escape, Charles and Bessie Lou made their way out of the camp, and proceeded to write the book Farewell to Manzanar.

Artist's Interpretation

2007-03-08T19:29:00.001-08:00

Artist's Interpretation
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This particular bird is a special kind of bird, considering that it has wings instead of arms, doesn't wear clothes, and has yellow bird legs, as opposed to human legs. As unusual as this is, many people claim to see these kinds of birds all the time, which I find rather shocking. Frankly, I believe this to be some sort of conspiracy.

Obviously, this is not a photograph like the others on this blog, but is rather an artist's (me) rendering on what one of these birds might look like, if they did actually exist, which, again, I don't believe is the case. Like Bigfoot and the Lock Ness Monster, this is likely an urban legend told on from generation to generation, that somehow goes without scrutiny by some people. I suppose I'm a traditional kind of guy, but I have to say that this is something I have to see to believe.

Frederick

2007-03-01T04:06:00.001-08:00

Frederick
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

There are a few things about this bird I felt I should clarify. First off, while he is wearing what looks to be address shirt with a tie, they are actually clothes obtained directly from the garbage. Therefore, they are obviously not a sign of wealth. As I mentioned before, most of the birds are poor.

I met this bird on the subway. He was having an argument with a homeless man. The bird had dropped change into the homeless man's guitar case, and went to retrieve it. Understandably furious, the homeless man took offense and initiated an argument. Just as the bird was preparing to punch the man in the mouth, I intervened. Grabbing the bird by the wrist, I shouted "chill out dude!" the bird, Frederick, was still angry, but took my advice anyway.

I took Frederick with me down to the next car, sat him down, and asked him what was going on. He reluctantly informed me that he was having some serious difficulty adjusting to normal society.

You see, this particular bird was raised on a farm by a colony of ants. This is actually a fairly unusual situation, and having peaked my interest, I decided to befriend him. I decided to help him assimilate into society. I sat him down in my apartment for some questioning, which is where I took this photo. In questioning him, he revealed that he had always dreamed of being a famous painter. I decided to let him paint me, so I could judge whether or not he could make a career out of it. I was initially struck when I noticed tears collecting under his eyes as he painted me. The passion was evident in his face, and I really hoped that his painting would be well done.

Even so, I was not particularly surprised to learn that he didn't have a great deal of talent. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time I didn't want to lead him on. I decided that it would be best to be blunt so he didn't get any false hopes. Apparently I was too blunt, and he ran screaming from my apartment, and I haven't seen him since.

Frederick, if you are reading this, let me know how you are doing and if there is anything I can do to help. If anybody reading this knows Frederick or how I can get in touch with him, please leave a comment.

History of Birds

2007-02-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

I’ve been recently bombarded with e-mails from people wanting to know more about these birds. What are their dreams? Do they have jobs? Families? Are they healthy? Intelligent? How can I meet these birds? I notice some of these birds wear suits – are they company CEOs? Do you know who my real father is?

Well, I don’t have all the answers, but I will do my best to share with you what I do know about these birds.

Most of the birds were born from eggs in nests in trees… on the moon. This is why many don’t have wings – unnecessary when there is no gravity. Some were the result of genetic engineering “bloopers”, and a few I grew myself from seeds.

I regret to inform you that most of these birds are not very intelligent. Suffice it to say, don’t expect to see any of these birds at the nest MENSA meeting. Some have managed to gain employment in low paying or undesirable jobs: garbage men, McDonalds employees, etc. but most are unemployed. Several had worked as Ronald Reagan’s security but are now unemployed due to his passing.

The rest of the questions are so variable that I can’t offer you much of an answer beyond saying that in the future, I hope to inform you more of these specific birds as I post their pictures.