The Chrlog

Trains

2009-05-28T08:40:00.000Z

Trains are fantastic at getting you from A to B.

You can read a book; you don't get lost (mainly); you can even sleep, if you're so inclined.

What they aren't so good for is getting you to aforementioned point B at time C.

Or even at time D which is one hour later than C. (We could call it C+1 if you prefer!)

It is also less good at guaranteeing you won't be sat next to E, who smells/talks at you/has a particularly aggressive form of mental illness.

Nor does it stop you from being dismissed rudely by F, the alleged customer services representative at B. (Remember B? It was the destination.)

Anyway, must go, I'll be at B in five minutes.

Burn after weeding

2009-04-09T10:57:00.000Z

After a long hiatus brought about by the weeding (which I might revert to calling the wedding in acknowledgement of the extreme age of the joke) I am back in Blogland.

I am also on honeymoon!

It is going very well so far (Rebecca Juliet is in the shower otherwise I would of course be lavishing her with attention) and we are immersing ourselves in the three L's.

1. Love (obviously!)
2. Laziness (this is probably more a feature of honeymoons that I am on)
3. Leamington

Yes, we are on honeymoon in Leamington Spa and I have picked up a bit of sunburn (curse rowing boats!).

Thankfully it is raining today so I'll probably be okay.

Famous Blogger Meet Up 2008!

2008-12-29T18:26:00.002Z

This one was quite exciting.

Two famous bloggers went to the local pub the other day. It was epoch-making.

First of all, we had the incredibly handsome and debonair Chris from www.thechrlog.blogspot.com - you will no doubt be familiar with his genius.

And then there was the insanely cute Ned from www.nedtheboy.blogspot.com - he had the most incredible cap and was 83 times cooler than me. He was shorter too, but I am not sure how long this will last.

We didn't get as long as I had hoped (to compare girls on either side of the atlantic, for example) but it was great to meet him, and I was impressed with how little he spoke like a Brummy!

(Le Welsh, Molly and Juliet were also there.)

Back at High School

2008-12-19T23:34:00.002Z

I am currently being forced to watch High School Musical.

What a special film it is...

I hope you are also having a good Christmas.

(... keep your head in the game.)

The dread sprout

2008-12-08T19:44:00.002Z

We do not buy vegetables from the supermarket. Nor do we buy them from the greengrocer, which would be perfectly acceptable were it not for the gruelling full-time jobs we are forced to hold down by the alluringly alliterative Credit Crunch.

Instead we get a nice man to deliver them in a (recyclable) box. This is all very good as all the vegetables and fruit and salad are grown locally (except I suspect for the bananas and kiwi fruit) and taste appropriately delicious.

His radishes are superb.*

The downside (which is actually an upside if you are relatively freewheeling people like we are) is you don't know what you are going to get. This has resulted in us having pumpkins, marrows and all manner of exciting things we haven't known what to do with (soup and stuffed respectively, if you are interested).

Anyway, let's not beat about the bush. It's December; we got loads of sprouts. That's where I'm going with this, as you probably worked out.

So far I have been subjected to sprouts with a roast and a sprout curry. I have not yet suffered sprout marmalade or sprout en croute. But I fear it is only a matter of time...

So, please post your sprout recipes in the comments! (Let's see if I can get one hundred comments out of this.)

* one for the fans of Carry On, there.

Further adventures in acronyming

2008-12-02T10:18:00.002Z

So... all this talk of TWOCking reminded me of another pet hate of mine.

Yes, yes, I know I have too many!

TWOC is retarded in the same way as BHCA* is. Because without is one word and so is healthcare. People at work use HC for healthcare all the time - it is inconceivable to me that no-one has pointed the error of their ways out to them before now!

To their great credit, it has to be said, all the healthcare organisations that I researched for this post (i.e. used Google for five minutes) had healthcare as a single word. Well done to them!

UPDATE: Unfortunately, the reason for this is that I had searched for "healthcare" as, of course, you would if you were a normal person. If you search for "health care" then you too will run, screaming.

* British Health Care Association

The T&Ts* of TLAs**

2008-11-27T21:45:00.003Z

One of the problems with working for the NHS*** is its near-obsession with TLAs.

If I am not thinking about PBR,**** then I am wondering how WCC***** plays into PBC.******

When you are new, you tend not to know what these abbreviations are, and you have to ask. I was, however, excited to recognise a TLA the other day, and promptly shared my knowledge.

I can confirm now, through personal experience, that when someone in my line of work talks about a PSO, they mean a Public Sector Organisation and do not mean a Phone Sex Operator.

I will leave the room full of stunned (and important) people, and my own mild embarrassment to your imaginations.

And, yes, Molly, this is all your fault.

* Trials and tribulations
** Three letter acronyms
*** National Health Service - come on you should have known that one!
**** Payment by results
***** World Class Commissioning
****** Provider-based commissioning

Talking or eating?

2008-11-24T21:38:00.004Z

I think it was Welshy who first brought my attention to the possibility of having wedding speeches before eating rather than after. And Knig Steffen has also been known to allude to it, albeit subtly.

I am somewhat divided on the issue (insomuch as I can be, given that I am so well-adjusted and all!)

1. I prefer speeches after. (Quite basic this one.)
2. But... I am reliably informed people get nervous about speaking.
3. But... they are wusses, and should get on with it.
4. But... I need to keep my best man happy so he doesn't infest our special day with vicious lies.
5. But... I will be hungry and so will other guests, and you don't want them not listening through hunger.
6. But... I don't want to actually make the other speakers unhappy.
7. But... you can have the starters already out on display as people arrive if you do the eating first, and it might look pretty.
8. But... we probably aren't having starters!
9. But... People need time for their food to settle down before shaking their bootay on the dance floor.

I don't know. I suppose the first thing to do is to speak to the relevant parties and find out how concerned they are.

What do you think?! Before or after?

Bonnie Prince Charlie*

2008-11-14T23:08:00.005Z

It's Prince Charles's birthday today. Not to be confused with Prince Charles' birthday.

Happy birthday PC.

It's hard not to feel a little sorry for the chap. After all, he's coming up on retirement age now, and I'm sure we've all been in the situation where we've got our eye on a certain job, but some other bugger's got it. Time's a ticking!

* Not to be confused with the other Bonnie Prince Charlie

Top tip #54: Nose hair

2008-11-10T23:13:00.003Z

As a gentleman (and I believe also a lady, although we are not supposed to mention this!) advances in years, one of the pleasures in store is nostril hair. And then ear hair, but that is a whole other story.

Naturally, the done thing is to trim it so as not to cause offence to your fellow man.

However, what I do, and I suggest you follow my example, is to keep one really long nose hair. You can fold it in half and tuck it away. If you are in a situation where you might find yourself nodding off (e.g. boring meeting at work, lecture, classroom, etc) then you can, discreetly of course, give it a sharp tug. Mildly painful though it may be, I find that this has the useful side effect of jarring you back into full wakefulness.

Let me know how you get on.

So... what next?

2008-11-05T22:01:00.002Z

So... he won! Well done America.

It's quite impressive; black people in America make up 13% of the population (I got this from Google so it might not be right!) and 13% of 44 presidents is 5.7, so they're only a couple behind now. A couple of women and Latinos elected and then they will be the most equal nation ever.

Think how many Prime Ministers we've had and we've only ever had white middle class men*. We are loads behind.

Let's hope he does a good job. The biggest reservation I have is that his entourage have billed him as a kind of transcendental politician. He's probably just an ordinary guy.

I've read his book, he's got a lot of good stuff to say. I hope he (a) wants to and (b) is allowed to do some of the stuff he talks about in it. Good luck, Barack.

* Doesn't count and you know it.

America, don't fuck it up

2008-11-04T23:24:00.001Z

You heard.

Productive wedding day

2008-11-01T18:33:00.004Z

Today has been a good day.

1. We have bought rings. (Two.) See the above diagram for why.
2. We have ordered wedding outfits for the men.
3. We have been shopping in Morrisons where my card was repeatedly declined - very irritating and I am sure not connected to the insane expense of points 1 and 2! Ummm...
4. We have eaten a lot of Chinese food... mmmm...
5. I have just about finished sorting out the letter to accompany the wedding invitations. Please don't be offended if you think that this post is just another form of displacement activity; I just didn't want any more tea!

How is everyone else? Please reply in list form in the comments. Thanks!

No hidden meaning

2008-10-24T18:52:00.002Z

Some excitement today:

"You have been invited to take the 'What does your birth date mean?' quiz on Facebook!"

My birth date is 29th June. Or, if you are American, June 29th.

This means that I was born on the 29th of June.

This is all it means.

(But then, I would say that as I am a cancerian, and we are natural sceptics*.)

World gone mad (again)

2008-10-02T21:07:00.002Z

I was in an unnamed bakery today, let's call it Peg's.

Me: "Hello, one loaf of bread please."
Fool: "I'm afraid we don't sell bread."
Me: "But... this is a bakery."
Fool: "...we don't sell bread."
Me: "Yes, you said."
Fool: "You can have a Caramel Croquembouche."
Me: "I... what?"

Why would a bakery not sell bread? It's hard to say.

As hard to say as Croquembouche.

Weeding accommodation disasters!

2008-09-13T12:50:00.003Z

Juliet and I have been profitably engaged this afternoon in working out a room plan for our multitudinous relatives for our wedding.

It is a very stressful business as they are legion. Also some are not suitable for being near other ones, some can't climb stairs and others have various unreasonable demands!

Sadly as we had got almost two-thirds through Juliet pointed out that we should save the Word file so as not to be gnashing our teeth when my useless laptop crashed and lost all our work.

Unfortunately, the file name she chose was "accomodation.doc", and so now the whole thing will have to be called off.

Sorry Juliet.

Bad people a.k.a. cathartic blogging

2008-09-09T21:51:00.005Z

Deep down I suppose I want to think that people essentially mean well.

Sometimes people do bad things, and I don't really have a problem with that. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes people offend each other unwittingly, and sometimes people then take this to heart too much, and both are minor evils in their way. I suppose I like to think that most offending behaviour can be considered in these terms, with no real "malice aforethought" if you will.

Then, sometimes, I am reminded that some people are just plain nasty. They delight in using their words to hurt other people, and have a soul so crippled that they are incapable of avoiding an opportunity to cause pain to others when it presents itself, even if it brings them no benefit.

To the reader, even at their most discerning, there is nothing new here that they will not know already I am sure, other that a few cheap truisms that may serve to remind them of unpleasant characters they know. In general, ranting without explanation is not a function I particularly approve of in a blog* so I apologise for trespassing on your time.

If I was fond of melodrama I would say that you should console yourself with the thought that this catharsis may save me some bruised knuckles and someone else a fat lip, but as well as sending a slightly mixed ethical message it is essentially inaccurate as I am not a violent person. It may however stop me calling someone an ill-mannered peasant, which I think we can all be glad about.

In other news, I read "Pride and Prejudice" finally, and was pleased to find it as charming as people had always told me it was. Work is also going well. And I have just had some delicious toast. You?

* or a tulip... remember that one?

Southpaw violin

2008-08-26T08:14:00.002Z

After that attempt to alienate everyone but Steffen and Richid, I will throw a question open to the musicians amongst us.

Is it possible to play the violin left handed?

I say this, as the cack-handed politically correct lobby have managed to infest our society with all kinds of gimmicks to persuade us they are "equal". I am sure I need not mention left handed scissors to make us all laugh uncontrollably.

But the violin (and, yes, viola I suppose, although it isn't a real instrument) would seem an exception, perhaps. I have yet to see an orchestra with a neat row of violins with one sticking out in the middle facing the wrong way?

Maybe that could be the plot of my groundbreaking, genre-defining novel? The trials and tribulations of an entirely left-handed orchestra? Trying to make it in a dextromanocentric universe!

I will now have the traditional 4 month blog break while I thrash out a first draft. Bye!

Richard - fool of the year 2008

2008-08-24T19:31:00.003Z

Direct quote from Wikipedia:

"There is considerable uncertainty about defining the difference between lakes and ponds. For example, limnologists have defined lakes as waterbodies which are simply a larger version of a pond, or which have wave action on the shoreline, or where wind induced turbulence plays a major role in mixing the water column. None of these definitions completely excludes ponds and all are difficult to measure. For this reason there has been increasing use made of simple size-based definitions to separate ponds and lakes. In the United Kingdom, for example, the charity Pond Conservation - which works to protect all types of freshwater ecosystem - has defined lakes as waterbodies of 2 hectares (5 acres) or more in area. Elsewhere, other workers have treated lakes as waterbodies of 5 hectares (12 acres) and above, or 8 hectares (20 acres) and above (see definitions of pond). Charles Elton, one of the founders of ecology, regarded lakes as waterbodies of 40 hectares (99 acres) or more, a value somewhat larger than modern studies would suggest appropriate. The term "lake" is also used to describe a feature such as Lake Eyre, which is a dry basin most of the time but may become filled under seasonal conditions of heavy rainfall.

"Further, in common usage, many lakes bear names ending with the word "pond", and a lesser number of names ending with "lake" are in quasi-technical fact, ponds. In short, there is no current internationally accepted definition of either term across scientific disciplines or political boundaries. Within disciplines, authors are careful to define environmental geographic circumstances, and obviates the need for artificially imposed definitions when most of the worlds' people speak different languages.

"In ecology the environment of a lake is referred to as lacustrine. Large lakes are occasionally referred to as "inland seas", and small seas are occasionally referred to as lakes. Smaller lakes tend to put the word "lake" after the name, as in Green Lake, while larger lakes often invert the word order, as in Lake Ontario, at least in North America. In some places, the word "lake" does not correctly appear in the name at all (e.g., Windermere in Cumbria).

"Only one lake in the English Lake District is actually called a lake; other than Bassenthwaite Lake, the others are all "meres" or "waters". Only six bodies of water in Scotland are known as lakes (the others are lochs): the Lake of Menteith, the Lake of the Hirsel, Pressmennan Lake, Cally Lake near Gatehouse of Fleet, the saltwater Manxman's Lake at Kirkcudbright Bay, and The Lake at Fochabers. Of these only the Lake of Menteith and Cally Lake are natural bodies of fresh water."

In maths

2008-08-17T22:44:00.002Z

I was watching The Weakest Link at work the other day.

"In maths, what is 300 divided by 6?"

Um, I don't know Anne... I think in maths it is 50. In fact, in physics it is 50, in computing it is 50 and in the sodding supermarket it is 50.

So there you go: there is the thing that has been weighing on my mind the last week. I hope you have been well.

(The competitor gave the answer as 100 by the way, which is why I gave up on retards on the telly and went back to the real life ones at work.)

Electrickery

2008-07-31T22:49:00.002Z

So... my electricity bill came today.

I will paraphrase: "Dear Mr Chrlog, you may need to increase your Direct Debit as the £30.00 you pay per month may not cover your current usage. Please pay the following amount as soon as possible: £1,578.86."

... Er, I'm sorry?!

One thousand, five hundred and seventy eight pounds?

One thousand, five hundred and seventy eight POUNDS?

One THOUSAND, five HUNDRED and seventy eight POUNDS?

One THOUSAND, five HUNDRED and seventy eight POUNDS?

I suppose on the plus side, the 6% discount that I get for paying by Direct Debit actually worked out to be quite a reasonable amount for a change.

Of course, I phoned "one of [their] friendly and helpful advisors" and we sorted out the problem. For those who like a happy ending, my bill turned out to be the slightly more reasonable £13.40.

In the last month I have

1. Nearly had to pay £1,578.86 for electricity. (See above, are you not paying attention?!)
2. Nearly been taken to court for non-payment of council tax. (They had spelt my name wrong.)
3. Nearly had my water disconnected as my house is vacant. ("Dear Resident, we are cutting off the water to this postcode as we have no record of anyone living there." Uh, hello? Dear Resident? Are brain cells going out of fashion?)
4. Nearly had my gas disconnected as I hadn't paid the bill. (Actually, the same company do my gas and electric and they had set up two Direct Debits to my electricity and none to my gas - smart move. Perhaps they had predicted they were going to charge me £1,578.86 a couple of months later?!)

I am displeased!!

So, how have you been?

Away an bile yer heid

2008-07-23T21:54:00.003Z

It has been suggested that people from Scotland have natural rhythm.

The case for the defence presents:

(Wikipedia has this gem: "notable instruments include saxophone and violin".)

People who are not related to me and/or are not going to be related to me should also feel free to comment. Particularly if you want to abuse the Scots.

Internet faux pas #257

2008-07-22T21:59:00.002Z

Dear Richard and Stephen,

Please tell me that you didn't find out I was going to marry your cousin by reading this blog.

Really you were supposed to have been told already!!

Sincerely yours,

Chris

On the up (or: a post about me for a change rather than a rubbish joke)

2008-07-20T17:53:00.003Z

Things going well:

1. I did RJ a treasure hunt, with the final clue leading to this blog. (The one on the left is me, and a fine likeness it is too.)
2. I have a new job starting September, working for the third largest company in the world (after the Chinese Army and the Indian Railway). No, Molly, it isn't Walmart. (Commenters will get bonus marks if they know which other famous blogger works for the same people.)

Things not going well:

3. I am still too fat. But because of 1 and 2 I no longer care, which is good!

One wrong turn deserves another

2008-07-07T22:38:00.002Z

We went walking in the peak district the other day. It was great. I love Kinder Scout, it is wild-looking and there is always the danger you will fall in a peat bog.

RJ's brother (who we will call Phillip for anonymity) came along, which was excellent as he is doing the Duke of Edinburgh thing and this means you can force him to carry the bag for the whole way without it being a form of child abuse (it counts as "practice", see).

We ended up taking a couple of wrong turns, and for one memorable segment we had to climb down a waterfall, but all three of us ended the weekend alive, which was an excellent result all round.

On Sunday I felt under the weather. I had two theories:

Theory 1
The bit with the waterfall was quite dangerous. There are definitely alternate realities where I slipped and died. Maybe it was more dangerous than I thought...

So, maybe I died in so many alternate realities that I was somehow weakened in this one, in a way that manages not to rip off the dreadful Jet Li film, The One, because it is the opposite you see. So I can't be sued (in the unlikely event of Jet Li actually reading this blog. PS Hi Jet!)

That is a really bad film.

Theory 2
I have hayfever and I was sleeping in a field.

Luckily the weakened-in-alternate-realities fever abated when I returned to a town, lending support to Theory 2 for those with no imaginations.

So, how've you been?