On My Home Planet

The Desperate Housewife

2008-03-24T10:51:00.002-04:00

I am closing in on week 2 of unemployment and can easily say... it's really boring. And I'm disappointed in myself. Not so much for being one of hundreds who lost a job in a company that's a hair's breadth away from bankruptcy, but just that I haven't accomplished anything thus far.

I had all these great ideas - rejuvenate a family business, start an etsy store, grow a garden, make my house greener, get in shape, really think about what kind of job I want, write the great American novel that redefines chick lit... and so far, I have accomplished none of this stuff. Yeah, Mr. TMCL's been really supportive, but I feel so badly just leeching off him. And that's when it really gets driven home to me that there are oceans between being a Stay-at-home-mom vs. being a Stay-at-home-wife. At least if you have kids and don't work outside the home, you're doing something - making a difference in someone else's life, accomplishing the molding of other human beings, contributing to society.

And let's face it, keeping a 4 bedroom house clean when 2 people and a bunny live there is so not a full time job. It's maybe about 3 hours a day if you want to keep the place perfect - ie, gourmet homecooked meals, cleaned and dusted every day, etc - with no need for the husband's input. I mean, if he's the only one really contributing money to this household, it's not really fair for him to have to do anything around the house when he gets home. But of course, then, being Martha Steward... I worry that I'm going to get too used to it (both the freedom/relaxation and the cleaner house and better food) and then have major adjustment issues when I head back to work.. Such a catch-22. Because, let's be honest, as weird as this feels having nothing to do... it's still better than all but one job I've ever had.

And you'd think, the weather would be considerate enough to at least be summer while I'm out of work. Or at least put something on Daytime TV that doesn't suck. Between my fertility issues, our materialism, my increasing refusal to eat non-organic food, and our anxieties about the economy and the general direction in which this country is headed (hell in a handbasket).

Cancer PSA

2007-10-22T16:41:00.000-04:00

Enough is enough is enough
I can't go on, I can't go on, no more no
enough is enough is enough

-Donna Summer (actually singing about a dude, but it also applies here).

Far be it for my Catholic ass to speak on matters of science, but can someone please explain to me how email forwards and cute frilly pink merchandise ad nauseum is supposed to cure breast cancer? I think anyone who doesn't live under a rock is "aware" of this horrible disease and (most of) the risk factors.

Has anyone ever done a study on how much of the proceeds of this merchandise actually go to breast cancer research anyway? Am I the only one who finds it ironic that companies that put formaldehyde, parabens, DDT, and God only knows what other carcinogens in their products are now trying to raise money to cure a disease, when their irresponsibility has contributed to its rise? How is my having a pink mixer/scarf/whatever going to act as my personal talisman against cancer?

What's my motive not to just give that $70 directly to the Mayo Clinic or whatever, rather than to Clinique/Lily Pulitzer/Swaworski/Kitchenaid's latest addition to the bandwagon? For heaven's sake, it's a deadly disease not a fashion statement. Get it together ladies - if we think not enough money is going to breast (or any!) cancer research, perhaps we should be lobbying our government, not gossipping amongst ourselves while going shopping.

Obsession

2007-10-22T14:06:00.000-04:00

There has got to be a name for the syndrome by which the scorned wife starts feeling affection toward her husband's mistress. I'm taking an active role in decorating an entire story of our house (the "mancave") in homage to her. I sometimes go to see her with my husband, and have been known to spring for pizza for the occasion. I am even helping him save to buy a ridiculously high-end electronic device so that he can communicate with her more often.

Bonus: by having this device, he will establish once and for all amongst the neighbors that he DOES have the largest penis in the subdivision.

I guess she's not such terrible person. She's very ambitious and makes buttloads of money (not that she shares with us). We have the same favorite color (blue). I only have to compete with her 4 months out of the year, and mostly then just on Saturdays. It's only in her company that my husband and his evil sociopath of a brother could get along before my husband ended the world by marrying me.

And to be fair, my husband's love affair is practically guaranteed never result in my getting an STD, not to mention he will never get her pregnant (largely because they don't have sex... although I'm sure the thought could cross his mind if it were physically possible; she's supposed to have a hottt pussy). Maybe because of her crotchety but notoriously endearing old Brooklyn-Italian father.

She is Penn State football, and he is obsessed.

Why I'm employable

2007-10-11T12:54:00.000-04:00

It never fails to crack me up when someone just assumes I'm this ubergenius because I work in finance.

Finance... is not rocket science. It is glorified algebra. Which when you don't have a bitchy nun throwing chalk at 40 screeching teenagers instructing you, is child's play. The fact is, everyone who works in finance, got there specifically because we are not quite smart enough to become rocket scientists. What finance professionals are paid for, is not our ability to do 7th grade math, but rather, our high personal thresh holds (if not imperviousness) for boredom. That, and borderline or full blown OCD.

But, keep the money coming my way, please.

Personal Finance PSA

2007-10-06T22:59:00.000-04:00

I was bitching to a friend today about how much harder it is to save money now that my mortgage payment is significantly higher than my rent.

"But you own... a house is like a bank account."

Um. Dude. No. A house is a place you live in (and usually own). I cannot walk up to the water heater, burn a candle for the Wells Fargo Gods, and say, "Hey, can you spot me $100? There is this really cute pair of wedge heels at Nordstrom's..."

It doesn't work that way. Unless it is 2005, or unless your or an immediate family member needs an expensive and lifesaving surgery, or unless you are using that money to make major repairs/upgrades to said home, the equity you have in your home is not play money. So if you are buying new furniture, designer pocketbooks, Carribbean vacations with it, you're a moron.

Furthermore, unless you own your house - you you you, as in you have paid off the mortgage and own the place outright - that equity's not really even yours yet.

Which means: When my rent was $X and my mortgage is $X + $600... that means I have $600 less a month to save/use as play money. Which is like taking a 9K paycut (on top of which Uncle Sam has been anally raping us both on taxes since we tied the knot), and on top of that, I'm paying 1/2 the money if the toilet breaks/carpet needs replaced. So deal with it if I bitch about finances every now and then. First time homeowners in their 20s often have a less than financially comfortable first couple months.

Eureeka!

2007-10-02T12:31:00.000-04:00

To Neil Clark Warren, the Religious Right, the Alternatives to Marriage Project, and all you downers who luuuurve to quote divorce stats at newlyweds and engaged folks:

I have found the reason for the divorce rates in this country: Advice given on thenest.com. Every single thing you post about - my inlaws are assholes, we've been trying for 6 months and I'm still not knocked up, my H might lose his job, we can't agree on a color to paint the bathroom - the advice is the same: "Have you no self-respect? Leave this loser!"

Now in all fairness, it's not quite as asinine as its sister board, theknot.com. That site is a bunch of self-righteous bridezillas insulting each other's weddings, stalking one another, and predicting divorce rates. Yeah, some of the posts are funny, but it's more sad. Among their posters, you will find 17 year old fiancees; couples who have been together 2.5 years and have a 15-month old son (you do the math); 20 year olds on their second wedding; ladies who are not even dating anyone yet already planning their weddings, and lower-middle class brides still living with Mom & Dad while planning a lavish extravaganza in 2010. Surely, though, those of us who are married ARE better than people who are single/engaged, not to mention those of us who got married in the "magic" window of maybe 24-29 are just mature enough to get married but not old enough to be desperate hags, but why flaunt it?

The difference between a Fiance(e) and a Boy/Girlfriend

2007-09-25T22:40:00.001-04:00

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it annoying when someone insists on referring to someone's fiance(e) as "your boy/girlfriend". Dude. A boy/girlfriend is someone you are "just dating" - you may or may not have any intention of marrying that person. But, for now, you're not ready to take that step, and enjoying the present with that person - be it in the occasional date or in a full-blown "living in sin."

And yes, from a legal standpoint, being engaged is the same as just dating (or just being friends, or not knowing that person from Adam). But from an emotional/social standpoint, is it ever different. If you have anything resembling a healthy relationship with your fiance(e), then of course the two of you are still having dates and enjoying the moment with one another. For many, saying "Will you marry me"/"Yes! I will!" is the emotional equivalent of "I do". And, following the period of insanity known as "wedding planning", at the end of the engagement and being fiance(e)s is the legal commitment known as marriage. See the difference? Referring to someone's fiance(e) as their "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" basically discounts the commitment these two people have made to one another and downplays the sacred, important journey the two are undertaking together.

I can speak only for myself here, but the only people I have ever heard refer to Mr.TMCL and I as "boyfriend/girlfriend" since we got engaged either didn't like one of us, didn't support our marriage in particular, or didn't support marriage in general.

Conclusion: If someone is engaged, they have a fiance(e). NOT a boyfriend or girlfriend anymore.

This PSA has been brought to you by TooMuchCoffeeLady.

What the hell, Hot Topic?

2007-09-25T14:54:00.000-04:00

"TMCL, you really are obsessed with this Cheese fella, aren't you?" - Mad Asian Woman

Yes, Mishl is right, which is part of the reason I am so outraged and saddened by Hot Topic's latest editions to the Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends line.

I mean, they've misquoted Cheese all over the place! It's "GottaGoGottaGoGottaGoGottaGo", not "CheeseGottaGo". And it's "I'm a horsey!" not "I wanna horsey". "I like chocolate milk", not "Cheese like milkshakes". And so forth, and so on.

People, people, people! MacMcCracken and Candi Milo have got to be the greatest comedic genuises of all time for creating Cheese, and you can't even get the guy quoted right? Cheese saves lives! Cheese saves marriages and brings families together! There is nothing Cheese can't do. In many ways, his cross-eyed smile, club foot, and flatulence are humankind's only hope!

The "I Pooted" body spray is the only thing that might redeem you from my banning your store from my conciousness for good. Might. If you want to take a stab, Hot Topic corporate folks (would it ever be hilarious to meet you lot!) send me an email, and I'm more than happy to provide my mailing address.

My turn to be a Bridezilla

2007-09-24T15:43:00.000-04:00

Confession Time: Mr. TMCL was married briefly in 95 (days after he became old enough to drink beer at his own reception), and filed for divorce within the year. After an 11 year hiatus, the man is taking the plunge again. Would I have preferred to be #1? Sure, but we all make mistakes when we're younger; not to mention I get a beautiful, awesome, stepdaughter out of this marriage. I almost made the mistake of rejecting him because he was divorced, and am so glad I just gave it a shot. In fact, everyone that I know who is married, their spouse has something about them that would have made one of my single friends reject that person.

Anyhoo, WTF is up with people's attitudes about "second weddings don't deserve X, Y, Z." Um, hello, this is our first wedding TOGETHER, and unless I'm seriously a moron, it is my first wedding, period. That means (future in laws, this means you) that you're the jackass if you get bent out of shape that we registered, are having a church wedding/reception, etc. If you truly feel that "well, I've already been to a wedding for Mr. TMCL", "It's wrong to have a celebration unless it's a first time for both of you," "your engagement was too short,", "your stepdaughter is going to grow up to be an ax murderer if she gets a stepmom/half siblings" etc, then do us all a favor and don't fucking come on Saturday. Please. Save the wear and tear on your car. It's just that simple.

And yes, I can't help but feel hurt there hasn't been a shower, bachelorette party, anything like that. Yes, I have been engaged before, but not long enough to have any of those celebrations. Don't get me wrong, my drinking alcohol would probably be a bad idea, I already have a blender, and I can afford to buy my own ginsu knife or whatever, but it's more feeling like people were actually happy for me and wanted to celebrate with me. I'd even have been happy to have like a dinner where I'd had to pay for my own plate. I don't even need gifts, or food, just more time to celebrate with my friends. With having moved and having a new house, time with my friends is not something I get a ton of these days. Something, anything, to demonstrate to me that Mr. TMCL and I aren't the only ones happy about this. Friends of mine who have had less formal/expensive weddings, shorter engagements, assholes for spouses, have all had that stuff. Maybe I'm being a whiny baby, but I don't understand what I did wrong that all of a sudden that's changed.

Oh, and, if all of a sudden, you claim to have gone from being a complete and total lush to not being able to handle being around alcohol at all (with no mention of a 12-step program or anything like that, not to mention I know you better than that), don't be floored if I call bullshit.

This PSA has been brought to you by TooMuchCoffeeLady.

A Great Big F-U to my Pancreas

2007-09-21T15:33:00.000-04:00

No, seriously, I effing hate your guts and will one day have you removed, you stupid, ungrateful, malfunctioning peice of shit. Seriously, what the hell is your problem. Aside from my coffee guzzling habits, which should have had no effect on you, I eat like a freakin hippie saint - barely touching refined sugars, bleached flours, lots of fruits and veggies. I have exercised twice a week, despite my wonky hip (that car accident, remember? Consider yourself lucky I can still walk), and my BMI has never reached above 23%. I know I'm small framed, but dammit, my fat jeans are a size 4!

And here you go reacting like I'm some obese person who sits around on the sofa all day chugging regular soda and eating bon-bons. High cholesterol, intestinal disturbances, f*cked up blood sugar, hormonal disturbances my ass. This is America, bitch! I've treated you damned well. SORRY for having a peice of candy like once a week. Jeez. You've seriously overreacted. But, in your face, asshole, so did my endochrinologist. Notice me shitting my brains out on the hour? Highest dose of Met the law will allow. So take that.

Speaking of which, Adam Sandler? You only think you hold the world's record for The Longest Pee, dude. If you can seriously sell CDs and make money with that shit, I'm going to start bringing a tape recorder into the can with me. I'm still better looking than you, even with the insulin gut and zits. I hope you're at least donating the proceeds to the American Diabetes Foundation, beeyotch!

And let's talk for a second about how happy I am to get to spend the rest of my life on the South Beach diet. It is seriously, the biggest pain in the ass to eat the way I'm supposed to be eating. Do you internets have any idea how much of the food in this country is chock full of bleached flour, refined sugar, and other substances that are apparently a "poisin" to my body? About 99%. It blows. And, the foods that aren't full of that crap cost about 3x what regular food does, and are massively inconvenient to buy/store. Papa John's, you are put on notice. OFFER SOME WHOLE WHEAT CRUSTS, dammit!

In closing, I will say it again. Fuck you, my pancreas. Hard. In the ass.

XOXOXOXO,

TMCL

Guess who's back? Back again...

2007-09-21T15:30:00.001-04:00

Yep, internets, part at the urgings of maybe my biggest fan, The Coolest Person in The Universe (TCPITU), and part at the myriad rants I have bottled up inside me, I have decided to revive this blog.

Since I last typed I have:

- Bought a home
- Moved to the Baaah-ble Bay-ult
- Gotten a new job
- Gotten diagnosed with diabetes, the first effin week at my new job in fact

And, I'm full of bile about most of that.

How to Prevent Global Warming...

2007-02-25T11:50:00.000-05:00

Plan a brunch with Mad Asian Woman and a few of our other fabulous girlfriends. Even if it was 60 and gorgeous the day before, the temperature is guaranteed to fall below freezing, and mass snowfall is guaranteed to ensue.

Next Sunday, ladies... it's brunch at the North Pole. 11AM our time, sharp. The trip will be a pain in the a$$, but I feel it's the only way to stop the ice caps from melting.

Reasons Not to Take The Christmas Tree Down Yet

2007-01-16T07:31:00.000-05:00

I'm too lazy.

Green matches the decor in our living room.

It'll be Christmas again in 11.5 months anyway.

Will help us keep the spirit of Christmas in our hearts year round.

Lots of the ornaments are red, and red is the color scheme for Valentine's day - in less than a month!

Arbor day is in May or September or something like that. I could start a new trend by having a fake tree in the living room to celebrate this holiday.

Mr. TMCL can take the ornaments off the tree and make them fight each other.

Spam, Spam, Beautiful Spam

2007-01-13T12:35:00.000-05:00

I usually ignore spam, but sometimes it's just so freakin' weird that it becomes a train wreck that I can't tear my eyes away from. In this case, I wonder if the writer is a schizophrenic with a piss-poor command of the English language, or if her pharmacist just gives her cooler stuff than mine does.

Klava Stacy
to Magdolna

Is Magdolna my first name? No, she's my old-gypsy-fortune-teller-with-five-teeth-and-a-drinking-problem alter ego. They need email addresses too.

Unclean! Profane! Leave-for you soil me with your presence.

Badly written and overly melodramatic soap opera, or start of a German Schiesse Video?

Silence? Into the car. Speak to me in the office about a salary
you a little time to look around before you have to play your first
some kind of symbol stamped into each of the bricks.

You're gonna pay me? Cool! To do what, teach you how not to write run-on sentences? I'm not going anywhere with you though, till you use a nicer tone of voice.

We all looked
unhappily and tragically turned out to be Liokukae.

Gosh, your grammar sucks. Who's Liokukae, your Polynesain lover?

was now dripping from the metal tube and the starter reached out and

See, I told you not to buy a used car. That isn't going to be cheap to fix.

Any prints lifted from the coins? he asked over his shoulder.

Yeah, and check it out! If you fold George Washington's or Abe Lincoln's head, you can make a mushroom! Damn nickel, Tom Jefferson's face just looks weird when you fold it.

licking the last drops of yummy from our fingers when the shadowlike
Heaven forbid, I muttered gruelly and put the bowl aside. I

WTF? I hate when Heaven forbids me from using poor table manners.

Isnt that for me to decide? Steengo snarled in his best admiralish

When'd he get promoted? He was just a Commander last I checked...

Trainwreck in Progress...

2007-01-12T07:31:00.000-05:00

Q: What do you get when you take:

1. A germophobic, beer-and-toilet-humor-loving, small-town jock from New England;

2. A spliff-smoking, Armani-clad, hard-partying, trustafarian Arab who redefines "EuroTrash";

3. And a straight-laced, nerdy "born again" from the Bible Belt;

and make the three of them live together in a 12'x14' room?

A: Either the funniest reality TV show ever made, a recipe for World War 3, or BabyBro's college dorm room (he goes to school about 10 miles from where I live) for this semester. I give this one three days. I'm readying the spare bedroom and unearthing my Beavis & Butthead DVDs as we speak.

Happy Birthday, Bro

2007-01-05T07:12:00.000-05:00

You'd be 25 today, old enough to rent a car. Would you have ended up tall and brunette like BabyBro or have stayed short and blonde like me and Sis? Liked toilet humor like me and BabyBro, or thought it was dumb like Sis? Would we have made fun of you forever for being scared of Santa Claus?

Instead of mailing your gift today, I get to call Mom and Dad and listen to them cry.

I still miss you, and honestly, I wish to God it could've been somebody else's brother that died. Honestly, I can think of some others right off the top of my head, without whom humanity would have been better off, that deserved to die young more than you. Why are they so fucking special that they get to live and you don't? None of us did anything do deserve having to grow up without you.

I love you, Little Baldy.

On the Road Again...

2007-01-04T09:40:00.000-05:00

I've finally had it with the traffic around here.

Last night, I acheived the ultimate in "I'm just sitting on my ass doing nothing", when I managed to hack into a neighboring business's wifi and send actually emails from my car on my commute home last night. (That's right, if you heard from me between 5 and 5:45 last night, you were getting email live from the toomuchcoffeeladymobile. How did I do this without totalling my car and/or getting myself and others killed? Easy.

In the 45 minutes in question, I moved half. A. Mile.

And worse, Tuesday morning it took me over two hours to commute the 11.5 miles from my apartment to this job. In that time I managed to:

do my hair
give myself a manicure
read 20 pages of a novel

And, tragically, this wouldn't be the first time I've accomplished any of these in my godawful morning commute. Best of all, public transportation is not an option (it's not just that it sucks, it's that there are no metro stations anywhere near my office) and if and when Mr.TMCL and I are ready to buy a house, anything we'd be able to afford would more than double both of our commutes. And the both of us have good jobs that pay quite nicely. What in the world do less well-off couples do?

At what point do you say, enough, I've had it, I'm leaving the area? I'm close. I really am. There seems nothing you can do here to avoid being controlled by your commute.

Holy crap! Liberals, here go your excuses...

2007-01-02T08:07:00.000-05:00

It would seem that there is yet another arguement against killing human embryos for medical research purposes... if you absolutely, positively need embryonic stem cells (ie, if the more stable adult stem cells, you know, the ones with a better track record of yielding results, just won't do), you can now get them from adult skin cells.

Assuming the (borderline liberal rag) Washington Post isn't lying, then, that's one less reason to murder the unborn - instead of sacrificing a human embryo's life to get some stem cells that (a) may be rejected by the donor's body and (b) may not develop quite right anyway, you can just take a little bit of that person's flesh and get what you need.

So it would seem ... that the pro-embryonic stem cell crowd is not so much lifesaving medical pioneers, but rather a modern-day American Josef Mengele movement.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T15:45:00.000-05:00

To all my friends and readers! Wish you all the best in 2007.

New Year's Resolutions

2006-12-30T19:42:00.000-05:00

People always ask me what mine are in January, and they're kind of barking up the wrong tree. See, for me to make New Year's resolutions in January is kind of arbitrary - on January 1, 2007, I'll be approximately 27.625 years old - not really a new year. To me, it has always made better sense for me to make them when my *real* new year starts - in May, when my actual birthday is. Quite honestly, I'm a lot more likely to keep them in May, just because January and February are so dark that I get all unmotivated and bummed.

However, this year is different. I do have a New Year's resolution that I am making for this January 1, and I am enlisting help because I need someone to stay on my overcaffeinated butt to up-hold my resolution. Basically, just check my other blog periodically and email me maybe every other week asking if I've made any progress. Any takers? You can reach my email through my profile. ;)

Google Keywords of the Day:

Naked Asian Women

New Years'

Drunk

Debauchery

MEChA

Colbert Report

Garfield

Fun With Google

2006-12-29T07:43:00.000-05:00

So as of late, I have become obsessed with checking the counter on my page. So cool that I have a fan in India, and in London, Toomuchcoffeelady's gone global! :)

Someone in Bedford, PA checks out my blog several times a day, yet never posts comments. Gee, I wonder who that would be... Grow up, dude. What are you hoping to accomplish here?

But maybe it's time for me to start watching my language. The google searches that bring people to my page? "Fattest Women on the Planet". "Children Hatred Psychological Problems". Awesome. I google some weird shit myself when I get bored at work, I understand. This is beyond amusing though, so let me see if I can't get on more google searches.

Google Key Words of the Day:
Circus Midgets
Libertarian
Kevin Federline is a skeezy no-talent assclown
New Years' Resolutions (I make mine in May)
Women
Chick Lit
Technorati
NaNoWriMo (sigh, one of these days)
Elephant
James Bond
Peewee Herman

Man, I need to do some work...

I Hate Winter (A post about Not-the-Weather)

2006-12-28T09:18:00.000-05:00

I'm borrowing trouble to even be thinking about this in December, but... I'm already dreading January and February.

How ungrateful, right? I have my first (and let's hope only) "engaged" Valentines' day, lots of wedding planning stuff (which is fun in its own right), and my semi-secret project to look forward to.

But seriously, when it's cold, crappy, and dark outside by 4 PM, the whole world just seems crappy and dark. Skiing, Christmas, New Years and Valentine's day are, in my humble opinion, the only redeeming qualities of winter. That's one activity that can't even be done in the "temperate" climate of Liberal Yuppieland, and three isolated days. Whoopee.

Where I grew up, it is freaking freezing in the winter (we're talking, I've had the ink in pens left in my car/pocketbook freeze on me), but at least it's pretty with the snow. And you can actually enjoy snow sports, rather than just being cooped up inside for months. And at least they PLOW the snow off the roads so you're just "at a higher risk for" rather than "guaranteed to get into" a car accident. Unlike Liberal Yuppieland.

Welcome winter. If you're gonna pull your half-assed act around here this year, well then... you suck. Go home.

Another Ridonkulous CL Experiment...

2006-12-27T21:41:00.001-05:00

I nearly gave my poor Mom a heart attack over Christmas by telling her I am planning to sell ad space on the walls of my wedding reception site to recoup some of the costs (hey, cheaper and less work than decorating!)

Now if my Mom isn't the brightest crayon in the box, she can at least give the brightest crayon a run for his/her money. But the average person on CL is a total moron, so I'm going to see if I get any bites...

Selling Advertising Space

Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here
Date: 2006-12-27, 9:40PM EST

I am getting married at the VFW Hall on May 9, 2007 and am planning to have over 100 guests at the reception. For the low price of $10/square foot, you can put up a poster advertising your business on the walls of the reception hall. I like the idea of boosting the local economy, and let's face it - traditional wedding reception decorations are a lot of work, wasteful, and expensive.

It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Proof they really DO hate kids in China

2006-12-25T23:56:00.000-05:00

Seems China has gotten just as stupid as the USA in terms of who can and can't adopt. It seems it's now better for a child to rot in an orphanage than to be adopted by a fat parent. Or a depressed one. Or - gasp! - one who's on their second marriage.

See, I hear a lot of criticism of those who adopt from abroad, rather than from the US. Well, from what I understand, you need to have a perfect, shiny-happy record for the last several decades to be considered a fit adoptive parent. (Unlike being considered a fit biological parent, which seems to require functioning ovaries and/or testicles). So American orphans rot in foster homes for 18 years and get all screwed up, when all along they could have been adopted by loving parents, who, say, maybe had to seek counseling once in high school, or possibly grew up in a less-than-Ozzie-and-Harriet-home. The weird truth is there is *no* perfect parent out there. They're *all* going to screw their kid up in some way.

But in pursuit of unattainable parental perfection, there are kids in need of parents and wanna-be-parents in need of kids, neither is getting their needs met, and everybody's sad and suffering. Great going.

Now China's jumping on that bandwagon. Not only are they keeping kids and adoptive parents from each other, but they are forgoing the $14K in tourism and legal revenue (times God-knows how many couples each year) that they generate each time someone comes to their country to adopt a child.

Over some stupid prejudice about fat people.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T23:27:00.000-05:00

And if that's too politically incorrect for you, well then... freak off! For the record, I am showing solidarity with real religious minorities*... I have on my new Hankey the Christmas Poo slippers as memorial to all those who have been forced to hear someone wish them a "Merry (Holiday you don't celebrate)". God forbid! I know I personally would much rather be told "Drop Dead" than be forced to hear "Happy Diwali".

We now have 364 more days till the next Christmas (364 days to be honest - peace on earth and goodwill toward men ain't happening anytime soon) and the burning question remains - do we spend more on ourselves at the after-Christmas sales than on Christmas shopping itself?

*Catholics as a downtrodden minority is so passe that I declare we officially don't count anymore.