Conversion Diary

One couple's journey to adopting HIV-positive children (Part 1 of 3)

2009-07-06T00:00:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I met a wonderful couple named Kimberly and Jimmy who are in the process of adopting two HIV-positive children from Ethiopia. I enjoyed talking with them so much that I asked if I could interview them for my blog to share their story with you. The following is the first of a three-part interview, written by Kimberly. It's a long post but I hope that you will find, as I did, that it is well worth your time to read the whole thing.

Q: Let's start by talking about your discernment. How did your faith play a role in all this? Did you go into the adoption process intending to adopt HIV-positive children?

No. When we first set out to adopt internationally, the thought of adopting a child with HIV never once occurred to us. (In fact, I don't think we even knew that adoption of HIV-positive children was possible.) Much the opposite, our very first thoughts about adopting a child were so common that the international adoption world has an acronym for it: AYAHAP. As Young And Healthy As Possible.

That's still what the majority of adoptive parents end up requesting: a single baby, preferably a girl, as young as possible and with no known health issues. But pretty quickly after God set us on the journey of international adoption, we realized the AYAHAP path was not the path for us.

Q: So how did you go from requesting a single baby girl, as young and healthy as possible, to adopting two siblings, a brother and sister, ages 2 and 6, both HIV-positive?

Strangely enough, it was God working through a 12-year-old boy -- a boy whom we've never met and likely will never meet -- that truly opened our eyes (and hearts) and changed our path.

For the sake of this interview, I'll call this boy "Essayas." That's not his real name, but it's a most appropriate substitute. In Amharic (the main language of Ethiopia), the name "Essayas" means "God's helper."

So we'll get to "God's helper" in a moment. But first, God chose to speak to me directly.

At the beginning of 2008, I had an epiphany. I don’t know any way to describe it other than that, and I’m grateful that the English language contains the perfect word for it: epiphany, "a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience."

One day last year, I was working at my desk in my home office (a most commonplace occurrence), when I suddenly had a flash of insight -- not about my work but about my life. As I was lost in thought, it was as if God gave me an unexpected glimpse of the big picture of my life, of the essential meaning of things. And I knew, abruptly and immediately knew, that international adoption was meant to be a part of our lives, that my husband and I were being called to adopt children.

I realize this might sound bizarre or flaky or just downright unbelievable, but that's exactly what happened. I can't think of a single other instance in my life where I've had a comparable experience, yet I knew then (and still know) beyond all doubt that we are supposed to pursue international adoption, that it's a part of God's plan for our family.

Now, I just had to convince everyone else of this sudden insight! When my husband came home from work that day, I told him about my experience. And though he was very surprised (we were, after all, comfortably childless and completely content with our lives), he agreed to at least think and pray about the possibility. I didn't say much more about it but just waited and prayed. Soon, after his own share of prayer and thought about the idea, he arrived at the same conclusion.

And then, the adoption adventure began. We began looking into what country to adopt from and quickly felt led to Ethiopia. Then, almost as a default, we assumed that we would adopt a baby girl. That's what people do when they adopt internationally, right? Adopt a baby girl, especially since she would be our first child. We'd both grown up with sisters; we had a young niece; a baby girl must be the way to go. So we told our family and friends about our decision, and they rejoiced. Everyone was ready to welcome a healthy baby girl into the family.

I began researching voraciously -- calling adoption agencies, poring over adoption blogs, reading countless books on adoptive parenting. But the more I researched and the more I prayed, the more I began to question the wisdom of our assumptions about what kind of child to request.

And then Essayas showed up. As I was researching different adoption agencies, I received a waiting child list from one agency. On it was a 12-year-old boy -- a healthy child, but a child who was quite a bit older than most kids waiting for adoption. A 12-year-old boy? Not a girl? Not a baby? He wasn't anything like the child we'd first planned on, but his biography was compelling. And the more we thought about it, the more Essayas seemed like he just might be the perfect fit for our family.

But first, we wanted to pray about it, and naturally, we asked our family members and friends to pray with us, as well.

And that's when...well, I don't know a much nicer or more accurate way to say it than "everything hit the fan." Some people were scared of us adopting a boy. Others were scared at the thought of us adopting an older child. Virtually no one supported us, and everyone was vocal about it. Yet, to their credit, they all agreed to pray for us, to pray that God's will would be done, whatever that was...though surely it couldn't be a 12-year-old boy, could it?

So we all began praying about Essayas (some more grudgingly than others!), and in the meantime, my husband and I fought for this child. We advocated for him. I even tracked down other adoptive parents who had actually spent time with Essayas in Ethiopia. And, as it turned out, Essayas was universally loved, a wonderful kid. More than half of the adoptive families who had met him wanted to adopt him themselves but couldn't for various reasons. And the more we argued for Essayas' right to be a member of our family, the more we felt like he was a member of the family. He had been waiting for a family for months. Surely that months-long wait must be because he was meant for our family.

So we made our decision to adopt him. And miraculously, by then our family and friends had come around, too. God spoke to them, in one instance quite literally, and the message was always the same: do not fear. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) We all marveled at God's goodness in revealing Himself this way. And we rejoiced that Essayas, the 12-year-old boy who, according to one adoptive mother who had met him, "really, really, really wants to have a mom and dad...a family to love him," would soon have a family.

But as it turned out, that family wouldn't be us. Essayas had been on a waiting child list for months. We had been praying about him for weeks. And the day before we turned all our adoption paperwork in (we'd had to wait an extra week to get a doctor's letter because my doctor had suddenly gone out of state), another family stepped forward to adopt him. All our praying and pleading, all the strife and heartache had amounted to nothing. We'd missed out on Essayas, the child we'd fought for, by a matter of hours.

Q: That must have been so difficult. how did you react?

I'd like to tell you that I reacted stoically, that I meekly took it as a sign of God's will and moved forward with our adoption with grace. But I didn't. Both my husband and I were completely devastated. We could not understand why God would put Essayas on our hearts so strongly, why God would have us advocate for this child so much, to the point of seriously endangering our relationships with friends and family members, only to have it all amount to nothing.

As I wrote to one friend at the time, "While I am not typically a very emotional sort of person, I have just been bowled over with grief by this. It seems strange, I know, to become so attached to a child you've never met, but the sense of loss has been overwhelming and crushing...Even though I know God has called us to adopt, I am tempted to turn away from the whole thing -- at the moment, it just seems like an exercise in despair."

And it was flooded with that sense of despair that one night I called out to God for what seemed like the millionth time. "God, there has to be some purpose to this! All we've done is what you asked us to do. Please let us see that you have some purpose behind this suffering." It was a couple weeks after our adoption of Essayas had fallen through, and I had been at home, crying yet again. As I sent up this angry plea to God, I remember feeling like it was bouncing off my bedroom ceiling, drifting back at me like all the other angry pleas I'd sent up before. Sighing, I gave up on prayer and returned to the book I'd just started reading to distract myself. The book was called There Is No Me Without You.

Those of you who have read There is No Me Without You can probably guess where my story is going. But for those who haven't, please let me explain. There Is No Me Without You is a nonfiction book written by a lady named Melissa Fay Greene, describing the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Ethiopia. Like most people who decide to adopt from Ethiopia, I had started reading the book to learn more about the country of Ethiopia and why so many children are available for adoption there. As I'd already found out, when you adopt from Ethiopia, HIV/AIDS is almost inevitably part of the adoption equation.

So I knew what the book was about before I began reading it. Yet what I did not expect, and what this book reminded me of, was the idea that children with HIV can be adopted. By that point, I'd run across a few vague murmurings of such a concept. But, in my moment of despair, when I'd asked God for clarity and purpose in the midst of heartache, I was struck anew by the thought. People adopt children with HIV?

Lest you think that I stumbled across this idea and clung to it in my hopelessness, let me assure you I did no such thing! In fact, immediately after the thought occurred to me -- I wonder if our adoption of Essayas fell through because we're supposed to adopt a child who is HIV positive? -- I thrust it out of my mind. Mere emotionalism, the pragmatic part of me argued. This idea probably occurred to me because I'm grasping at straws, looking for meaning anywhere. So I promptly tried to forget it and move on.

...To be continued.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of my interview with Kimberly, which I'll post next Monday.

Photo of African orphans by louris yamaguchi

Thank you!

2009-07-05T21:59:00.001-05:00

A big "Thank you!" to all who voted in the Catholic New Media Awards. I'm honored to have won in the Best Blog by a Woman category. Also, I encourage you to check out some of the other blogs in each category -- they're all great.

7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 40)

2009-07-03T00:00:00.008-05:00

--- 1 ---

By the time you read this our Kidsave child Rita will be here!...Maybe. The kids were supposed to arrive last night at 8:00 but got stuck in Atlanta, so now they're scheduled to arrive around noon today. I can't imagine how crazy that must have been for these kids, most of whom have never flown before, to end up in a strange hotel in a strange country. I hope they don't experience any more delays. I'll post some updates on Twitter throughout the weekend.

--- 2 ---

Last week was a great week for meeting bloggers. I already mentioned last week that I was going to meet Lisa Hendey but I forgot that that was the same weekend we were meeting fellow atheist-to-Catholic convert Julie D. We met up with her, her husband and one of her daughters at the Darwins' house after Mass for some extremely impressive omelets and lively conversation. I've been a big fan of her blog since 2005 and meeting her was just as great as I thought it would be.

--- 3 ---

When I met Lisa Hendey last Friday I had the pleasure of chatting with her for her Catholic Moments podcast. After one of those lunches where you think that if you just had about 12 more hours you might be able to skim the surface on all you want to talk about, we went back to her hotel and did a podcast interview where we talked about my conversion, homeschooling discernment and, of course, blogging. Our interview is online here if you'd like to listen to it.

--- 4 ---

I was trying to find a stuffed animal to give Rita as a welcome gift, and had the great idea to get her one with Texas flavor. As I looked through the bins of cute stuffed kitties and puppies at Target, I tried to think of what a local stuffed animal might look like. A scorpion in a cowboy hat? A terrifying centipede holding a heart? A cuddly fire ant? I think I'm just going to get a teddy bear and call it a day.

--- 5 ---

If you like reading conversion story/faith journey type of stuff, this article about Lenny Kravitz and his recent commitment to chastity is surprisingly refreshing. (via Veronica Mitchell)

--- 6 ---

Did you guys read the comments to the feces fiasco post? It really is feeling all The Ring up in here with the stories of the wrath of the poop-fates coming down on anyone who laughed at the post.

Oh, and one more thing: If you were holding out tips for preventing toddlers from taking their diapers off, please come forth with them now. Some people suggested duct taping the diaper on. Done. Anything else?

--- 7 ---

I feel so much pressure that both Rita and the chaperone will be with us on the 4th of July for their first trips to America! I think we're just going to go to my grandfather's for a cookout with friends and then try to catch fireworks later. With all the travel they've been doing, not to mention the 100-degree temperatures, I doubt they're up for much more than that. (Read: I am not up for much more than that and am projecting my own laziness and disdain of heat onto my guests.)

For my American readers: What are your plans for the 4th of July? Have a great weekend, everyone!

----------------------

Below is a Mr. Linky list if you'd like to add a link to your own 7 Quick Takes post. (1) Make sure the link you submit is to the URL of your post and not your main blog URL. (2) Include a link back here.

I look forward to reading your posts!

1. Theresa @ A Place to Write
2. Venite
3. Deb @ Continuetorejoice
4. NCSue
5. Debbie
6. JungleGirl in London
7. Pharmgirl @ Adventures in Pharm Land
8. Sarah Reinhard
9. Kathreja @ Vocation Quest
10. Tami @ The Next Step
11. Laura @Liming Life
12. Sarah @ This Heavenly Life
13. Nadja
14. Cheryl (My Thoughtful Spot)
15. entropy
16. TwoSquareMeals
17. Erin @ Light of My Life
18. violingirl
19. Not Strictly Spiritual
20. Becky (Beck's Three)
21. Trena @ The Third Prayer
22. Laughing Lioness
23. Megan@Blueberry Scones
24. Elena @My Domestic church

25. Heather of the EO
26. Lenae
27. Lisa (Are We There Yet?)
28. Rebecca@the blog with no title
29. Christi (The Journey)
30. Lenetta @ Nettacow
31. Steph @ My Country Haven
32. Dawn @ Sufficient for Today
33. Love2learn Mom
34. Write From Karen
35. Christine the Soccer Mom
36. Ingrid Airam
37. Emily
38. Peace Garden Mama
39. Annemarie
40. majellamom
41. Nicole @ As Many As We're Given
42. Amanda @ The Mom Job (A Giveaway!)
43. Missus Wookie
44. Katherine @ The Domestic Church
45. Dymphna
46. Sarah
47. Gill-Life of a Photographer
48. Jenny @ Heart of a Mother

49. Kathryn @ The Bookworm
50. Kim @ Love Letter to my Kids
51. Elise
52. Scarlett
53. Jen @ Happy Little Homemaker
54. Vanderbilt Wife
55. Jen @ The Short Years
56. Erin @ Coming Out Catholic
57. mom.huebert
58. Sing Me the Old Songs
59. Not!Made in China
60. Shelley @ Confirm The Work of Our Hands
61. Katie Ganshert @ Brain Throw Up
62. Rebecca @ The Divine Life
63. Carly at the Tree
64. Steph @ My Country Haven (7 Quick Takes #3)
65. A Broader Mark
66. Lindsey
67. Julie Stiles Mills
68. Constance
69. sarah@ fumbling toward grace
70. Emily a.k.a. Smoochagator
71. monica_divineoffice.org
72. Catherine @ To Mark Time

How to get traffic to your blog (Part 2)

2009-07-02T13:00:00.002-05:00

I'm back over at Rachelle Gardner's blog today* with Part 2 of the post about how to get traffic to your blog. If you missed it, Part 1 is here. I'll be answering questions in the comments over there. Hope it's helpful!

* It might be worth mentioning that our Kidsave child doesn't arrive until tonight. I don't want anyone picturing poor Rita sitting around and watching me BLOG on her first day in America!

Repayment for a friend

2009-07-01T22:53:00.007-05:00

Let me begin this post by saying that I would like for you to do me a favor: Go to the fashion and modesty blog Betty Beguiles right now, subscribe to the feed, leave 10 comments saying what a fantastic site it is, make it your home page, email everyone you know and tell them to stop what they are doing and read the entire archives, and solemnly vow to read it every day for rest of your life.

Never has there been a better blog. Betty pens odes to cute dresses as if from the mouths of the angels themselves; her sagacious date night tips contain such potent wisdom that the Gosselins would still be together if they'd only seen them; she shares insights into modesty that will knock you off of your chair and leave you motionless on the floor, stunned by the profundity of what you just read. If Shakespeare could read her blog he would weep bitter tears at his impotency in the face of such prose!

Now that I have said that, let me tell you about my day:

On what may seem like an unrelated topic but I assure you has an ominous connection to what I said above, yesterday I read this post by Megan at Sorta Crunchy about how her toddler pooped on the floor at the library. "Hah!" I chuckled. "What a terrible story. I'm sure glad I'm not in her shoes today!"

I was about to move on what I saw a comment from Sarah at This Heavenly Life in which she wrote:

I tried not to laugh, for fear of bringing down the wrath of the poop-fates upon myself. Oh dear.

Immediately I realized what I had done. It's like in that movie The Ring where after you see the video you know it's only a matter of time until freakishly terrible things start happening to you. I had laughed at another mother's poop-related misfortune. My time was nigh.

For a while, things seemed to be fine. With our Kidsave child arriving tomorrow I was completely focused on getting everything ready for her visit; even though my husband and I had hired a professional housecleaner to help us with the basics there was still plenty of decluttering, deep cleaning and organizing to do, and I wasn't sure how I could get it all done.

My friend Betty Beguiles told me that her husband had the day off and offered to have him watch their four young children so that she could come over by herself and help me get ready. I started to give my usual knee-jerk "No, I couldn't possibly..." reaction, but I remembered that I'm trying to work on accepting the help that God sends me so I said a reluctant yes. "Besides," I thought presciently, "Letting someone else help me organize my messy house will be a good lesson in humility."

Little. Did. I. Know.

I had been cleaning my office while Betty was on her hands and knees getting some spots out of the upstairs carpet when I thought I heard some noise from the room where my two middle girls were supposed to be napping. I crept upstairs and listened at the door; all was quiet. I was about to head back downstairs when I caught a whiff of something foul. Following the parenting axiom that "If you think you might have smelled poop, YOU DID," I decided to push the door open to take a quick glance inside the room.

I was not prepared for what I saw.

Imagine, if you will, that someone hooked up a fire hose to a septic tank and sprayed it around a room on full throttle for a moment. That gives you an idea of what awaited me when I walked into my daughters' room. My 21-month-old has had a penchant for taking off her diaper for a long time with no serious results, so I guess I thought I could keep playing the odds until she was potty trained. Today she hit the jackpot. She had taken off a messy diaper and had evidently engaged in some Montessori-style play with its contents. It was everywhere: on the crib, on the pillow, on all the toys, ground into stuffed animal fur, smeared into the sheets and pillow -- some had even fallen down onto the freshly-vacuumed carpet.

I was in shock. My daughter looked at me and giggled, happy as a pig in...well, you know. I kept starting for her crib then stopping. I didn't know which horrific aspect of this situation to deal with first. I couldn't open the window because of safety locks and the smell just kept getting worse. I thought I was going to throw up. Just when I'd decided that the best course of action would be to curl up in the corner and cry until my husband got home from work, Betty walked in behind me and immediately took over. She told me to wrap my daughter up in a blanket to transport her to the bathtub without getting the mess all over me. I walked zombie-style into the bathroom, wishing I had a hazmat suit as I peeled off her clothes and plopped them directly into the trash can. I sat in there for a while, cleaning my daughter in a daze as I tried not to look at the wash cloth or think of adjectives to describe the texture of the water.

Finally I got her out of the bath and dragged myself back into her room to attack the feces apocalypse that awaited me. I tried to think of something I would rather do less than this task; I came up empty. I pushed the door open, lifted my eyes to her crib, and saw that it was clean. Spotless. As if it had never happened. My friend Betty had taken a break from scrubbing my carpet on her hands and knees to clean every last smear of poop out of my child's room.

What could a person ever do to repay that kind of generosity?

If I were rich I would have just started pressing $100 bills into her hand, perhaps signing her up for some kind of Lexus of the Month Club. But, alas, I don't have the means to compensate her financially for her heroic waste removal services. Finally, after thinking of everything from offering to babysit her children every weekend evening for the next five years to tattooing her name on my back to show her how very serious I was when I said I appreciated what she'd done, I recalled that she is a fellow internet nerd, and I thought of something she might like: A link to her blog. So I will just come clean and tell you that the entire purpose of this 1,100-word post about poop is to tell you to go visit my friend Betty Beguile's blog.

RELATED

In which I have my guest kill a scorpion while I cower in the corner

Normally I try to include an image related to the subject of my post. Notice that I didn't this time. You're welcome.

The yellow sticky note

2009-07-01T10:27:00.006-05:00

I was planning to write a new post today but have ended up way too busy getting ready for Rita's arrival tomorrow. Here's one I've been thinking about a lot lately, originally published on August 7, 2007.

I was listening to Relevant Radio this morning, and was reminded of something that happened a while back that I've been meaning to write about since it was one of those little moments that has turned out to be a salient memory in my conversion experience:

Quite a few months ago my husband had been emailing with one of the hosts of a Relevant Radio show about getting a copy of a DVD he heard mentioned on the air. When the host saw our address he remarked that he was actually going to be visiting our town soon and invited us to come down to the local affiliate to watch him broadcast the show.

We took him up on his kind offer, and planned to arrive to see the last few minutes of his show one Friday afternoon. As I drove down to the office, I of course was listening to his show in the car. I listened to a discussion between the show's guest, a well-known priest, and a lady named Rebecca who called in to share her heart-wrenching story. She'd suffered multiple miscarriages and was now well into the second trimester of what she thought was a healthy pregnancy, but she'd just received a concerning diagnosis and was not sure if this baby was going to make it. She was devastated at the thought of losing another child.

The priest gave her some good advice, but it was nearing the end of the hour and they were out of time. The show's host politely told her that that was all the time they had, said that she'd be in his prayers, and then moved on to remind listeners to support the show's sponsors and check out next week's guests.

Shortly after that I arrived at the station and headed inside. We had a nice talk with the host and I was impressed by his extensive credentials and inspired by his story of how he left a promising, glamorous career in the mainstream media to follow God's call to do work more in line with his faith. As we were wrapping up I grabbed my purse off of the desk, and lying next to it I saw a stack of some broadcast documents and personal papers that belonged to him. On top of the papers was a bright yellow sticky note with the words "PRAY FOR REBECCA" written in large letters.

It seems like such a little thing, but that note ended up being the marker of a turning point for me. I had just taken for granted that when the host had closed the segment by saying "you'll be in my prayers," that that was just a polite throwaway comment to get to the commercial break. Yet when I saw the paper and realized that he really did care enough to bring this stranger's intentions before God in his prayers, and had even made a little extra effort to write himself a note to remember to do so, I had this odd moment of being surprised that I wasn't surprised. It brought to the forefront of my mind something I'd noticed for a long time but hadn't really articulated: there are so many really good, true Christians out there!

It's sad to say, but at one point that was actually news to me. Growing up as an atheist, having never experienced God (or, really, having never allowed myself to experience God), I didn't understand the concept of faith. I was baffled by the idea of dedicating your life to some mysterious entity that you couldn't see. I was also a very cynical person, for reasons I discussed here, so it only took a few bad experiences with Christians to wholly convince myself that religion, Christianity in particular, was just a tool that people used to feel superior and to control others.

For some reason, seeing that yellow sticky note that day brought home to me just how much beauty I'd missed by hiding behind my wall of cynicism all my life -- in the world in general, but in particular with Christians. It clarified the fact that in the year or so since I'd become involved in Christian circles, I'd encountered far more people who took their faith seriously than people who didn't. Which is not to say that now that I'm a Christian I find myself surrounded by perfect living saints, but that the vast majority of people I've come to know who are self-described Christians really do take their faith seriously, really do attempt to live according to God's rules and not their own, and really are willing to undertake selfless acts and make sacrifices to help others -- even in private, when nobody but God even knows about it.

I also realized at that moment how much I owe to all these Christians who live their faith day in and day out. As a quick perusal through my archives and my old site will show, the path to conversion was a rocky one for me. Especially at the beginning when I was beyond clueless, consumed with pride and skepticism, and unknowingly doing practically everything I could to block out God's voice, there were many times when it was tempting to slide back into the comfort of my lifelong atheistic belief system.

Looking back, I see now that a big part of what kept me on the right path was my fellow Christians -- not just through overt offers of help or encouragement but, even more importantly, through the witness of the quiet actions of their daily lives. It seems that every time I got close to giving up hope that I'd ever be able to have faith, I'd have one of those yellow sticky note moments, when I'd see some Christian humbly, quietly going about living his or her faith. The warmth and peace that their actions brought allowed me to have a much-needed glimpse of Christ here on earth, to fan the flames of my own faith, just when it was down to the embers. In most cases, as with the radio host, the person never even knew that anyone else was aware of his actions.

I've been dabbling at this post for days now because I wasn't sure what my take was. I didn't really know where I was going with it. But after writing this all out I finally realize what it is I've been trying to say: thank you. I feel a great debt of gratitude to my fellow Christians whose actions kept me on the right path even when I was consumed with doubt and despair. Those of you who were brought up with faith and have always lived in Christian environments may never know just how much even your smallest actions can be a breath of fresh air to someone who doesn't know God.

In some cases it was reading the words of bloggers or commentors, in others it was interactions with friends and acquaintances in real life, and in yet others it was simply observing the actions of people I barely knew. But thank you to all the Christians whose words and deeds chipped away at my hardened cynicism, and helped show me the path to God.

photo by Peter

A lesson in prayer

2009-06-29T08:45:00.009-05:00

When I first started praying -- when I was 28, after a life of atheism -- I unintentionally fell into thinking of God as a glorified wish-granting genie. My prayers were all petitions for what I wanted God to give me or my family and friends. As I got to know more about prayer and the nature of God, I began to spend a little more time thanking God for the stuff he gave me and my family and friends that I'd requested. Eventually I even moved into throwing out some open-ended requests for guidance, asking the Lord to show me his will for my life. And for a long time, that was pretty much it.

But something slowly began to change when I started praying the Liturgy of the Hours. It's something I've noticed in the back of my mind for a long time, but could never articulate until I read your fascinating comments to my questions about the Psalms last week. (If you haven't read those responses, you really should -- great stuff). After reading that comment thread, something finally clicked:

One of the first things that jumped out at me as different when I started praying the Liturgy of the Hours was that I found myself saying "we" and "our" more often than "I" and "mine." Other than when I prayed the Our Father at Mass, I wasn't used to saying those words in prayer. I didn't think through the implications at the time, other than to simply notice that it put me in a more humble mindset to end the day with an evening prayer like, "Almighty God, we give you give you thanks for bringing us safely to this evening hour..."

Then, around the time our new baby was born, I fell out of the habit of praying the Liturgy of the Hours. In fact, I fell out of having any dedicated prayer time at all. I simply tried to "pray without ceasing," turning my thoughts toward God as I went through my days. That is definitely a great thing to do, and I don't ever intend to stop doing that, but what I found was that when that was the only form of prayer I undertook each day, I drifted back into making prayer revolve around me-me-me! Prayers like "Lord, give me patience as I tell the kids not to jump on the bed for the SIXTH TIME..." are great, but when that's what 90% of my prayers sound like I tend to fall into thinking that God is part of my plan rather than remembering that I am part of God's plan.

It all clicked for me last Thursday, when Lauds (morning prayer) began with Psalm 143. I read:

The enemy pursues my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me dwell in darkness
like the dead, long forgotten.
Therefore my spirit fails;
my heart is numb within me.

I was having a great day and feeling strong in my faith, and thought that I definitely would have skipped this Psalm if I'd come across it as part of personal prayer. "This is totally not speaking to me!" I thought, half tempted to gloss over it and move on to the next one in hopes that it would be more relevant to my life. And then I remembered something that a commenter named Jasmine said in that post about the Psalms, which was echoed by many of you throughout the comment thread:

Remember that the 'prayer of the Church' [the Liturgy of the Hours] is for the whole Church. You will not identify with every psalm at every moment, so when you pray them think of all of the people in the world praying with you who DO identify with the psalm. Pray for them and on their behalf.

It all finally clicked. For the first time, I think I really understood the power of the Liturgy of the Hours as the universal prayer of the Church. My mind immediately flashed to everyone all over the world who opened their day with the exact same prayers as I did that morning -- my priest, all the priests and nuns in the world, all bishops, the Pope, my long-lost cousin the monk, all my friends and the other laypeople throughout the world who pray the Hours -- and the wall that I'd unintentionally put up around myself was smashed.

As I had yawned through the psalmist's cry of anguish, someone out there could barely utter those same words through trembling lips and tear-stung eyes. I thought of all the people praying the Hours in that state, and for the first time was conscious of our deep connectedness as we prayed in unison as part of the mystical Body of Christ. I began offering my prayers for them, which then led me to expand my prayers to anyone else in the world who was in pain at that moment. As my heart swelled to think of the great drama playing out all over the world that morning of which I was only a small part, I thought back to my words at the beginning of the office -- "But this Psalm doesn't have anything to do with me!" -- and realized that I had learned something critically important about prayer: It's not all about me.

photo by bhsher

7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 39)

2009-06-26T00:00:00.017-05:00

--- 1 ---

I cannot believe that our Kidsave child "Rita" arrives Thursday! I also found out that the children's chaperone from Colombia will rotate houses while she's here, and she'll be staying with us first, so she'll be coming home with us from the airport on Thursday as well. (For those of you doing the math, that will make eight people in a three-bedroom house.)

I need tips from those of you who are domestically skilled: What is a nice welcome gift I could get for both Rita and the chaperone? I'd like to get a little special something to start out their trip on a nice note -- preferably not too expensive and easy to pack for their return trip. Any ideas?

--- 2 ---

Baby Joy is finally getting baptized tomorrow! I'm so excited. Hopefully it will not be the flaming disaster that my son's baptism was a couple years ago. One the plus side, I'm still holding out hope of America's Funniest Home Videos riches.

--- 3 ---

This Tuesday is the last day to vote in the Catholic New Media Awards. If you'd like to vote, click here to create an account (it takes about two seconds -- they only ask for a valid email account). Then you can click here to vote. I always discover a bunch of great new blogs every time I look through the nominees list.

--- 4 ---

Last week I told you guys that this picture was taken on my favorite vacation ever, and asked you to guess where it is, promising I'd give the answer this week. Nobody got the right answer! And now, the moment of truth...

This picture was taken in...

Texas! A lot of people don't realize that the Rocky Mountains extend down into Texas, Guadalupe Peak reaching 8,750 feet (2,667 meters). This picture was taken somewhere near Big Bend National Park.

We actually took this vacation to west Texas for our honeymoon. It was the best trip I could have imagined. It was a nine-hour drive (on open roads at high speeds) to get out there from the central part of the state, and is literally the middle of nowhere. All the towns had that eerie end-of-the-earth vibe where you feel instant camaraderie with anyone you encounter, and mixed in with the locals you'd meet people from places like Phoenix and San Francisco, passing through on cross-country trips.

Some of the towns really live up to the name "ghost towns," the "ghost" part coming not only from the vanished people but from that keen awareness of your own vulnerability to larger forces that you feel when you're hours and hours away from the nearest Wal-Mart, and the only light at night comes from the stars. If anyone's looking for a really unique trip, I highly recommend taking the same route we did, spending a couple weeks visiting places like Marfa, Lajitas the McDonald Observatory and Terlinguas. It's an ethereal, beautiful part of the world.

--- 5 ---

So I found out as part of my guest post for Rachelle Gardner that it's OK if I say who my agent is. For some reason I thought that my literary agent and I had an unspoken understanding that it would be best if I denied all association with him, hopefully saving him from comments from respected colleagues like, "That woman you represent wrote about scorpions on her blog again today. She's quite adept with the caps lock key. You must be very proud."

Anyway, in case anyone's interested, I'm represented by Ted Weinstein Literary Management.

--- 6 ---

Speaking of my tendency to write about stinging insects, here's a Yaya story from this weekend: Shortly after we arrived, I was on her back porch with the kids and looked up to see a thriving wasps' nest right above my head. Under normal circumstances I would tell you that it's important to control your phobias so as not to impart your own irrational fears to your kids. However, when I looked up to see 100 (OK, maybe eight) wasps buzzing around their nest about a foot away from my head, my reaction was something along the lines of "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! NOW! NOW! BEFORE THE WASPS ATTACK US! THEY'RE GOING TO STING US!!! AAAAH!!! IT'S SO TERRIBLE!!!!!"

I had just dragged all the kids to safety out in the yard when Yaya walked outside, holding some scissors she'd gone inside to get. I shrieked a warning at her just as she walked under the nest. She looked up, shrugged, and knocked the wasps' nest down with the handle of the scissors. The nest fell right next to her feet, angry wasps darting all around her, and she took a moment to wipe off the scissors with her shirt before strolling off.

And you guys thought I was kidding when I said that she's nonchalant about being stung by scorpions in bed!

--- 7 ---

This morning I'm excited to be grabbing coffee with "momtrepreneur," podcaster and Faith and Family blogger Lisa Hendey while she's in the area for the new media celebration.

(FYI: Unless I bring my laptop and occasionally interrupt our conversation with "You mind if I blog a little bit?", I probably won't approve comments until I'm back at the house. And trust me, based on a couple of monitor-meltingly appalling remarks people have tried to slip in lately, y'all do NOT want me to turn off comment moderation.)

Have a great weekend, everyone!

-----------------

1. It Feels Like Chaos
2. Angie @ Many Little Blessings
3. DarwinCatholic
4. Catherine @ To Mark Time
5. AllHisBenefits
6. Elisa @ blissfulE
7. Venite
8. Enbrethiliel
9. NCSue
10. Laura
11. Beth @ A Mom's Life
12. Aubrey
13. Pharmgirl @ Adventures in Pharm Land
14. Debbie
15. Sarah Reinhard (Moms as Super Heroes)
16. Laura L.
17. Nadja
18. Jen
19. Megan
20. Trena @ The Third Prayer
21. Tina @ Multiple Mom T
22. violingirl
23. Tami @ The Next Step
24. Rebecca
25. Heather
26. Sarah @This Heavenlylife

27. MamaT @ The Summa Mamas
28. Annemarie
29. Not Strictly Spiritual
30. Ingrid Airam
31. Mary
32. Hannah @ Mulberry Spot
33. Christine the Soccer Mom
34. Kristine@The Fire Within
35. Shelly @ Life on the Wild Side
36. Jen @ Happy Little Homemaker
37. Jamie
38. carrien (she laughs at the days)
39. Milehimama (Mama Says)
40. Molly
41. Jen @ The Short Years
42. Joy @ joy in the morning
43. Emily
44. Kathryn @ The Bookworm
45. Amanda @ The Mom Job
46. Charlotte @GTH
47. mom.huebert
48. Mrs. Bubbles
49. Steph @ My Country Haven
50. Elise@anything goes
51. Ann from NC
52. Lindsey

53. Amy @ From the Desk of Mom
54. Amanda
55. Aimee @ The Mother Load
56. Laughing Lioness
57. Emily G
58. CourageousGrace
59. Deedee
60. Erin @ Coming Out Catholic
61. angela michelle
62. Catherine @ Adventures in Domesticity
63. Theresa
64. Donella @ Converting to Catholicism
65. Shelley
66. Virginia Mom
67. Kathleen @the responsible one
68. MommyMonkey
69. Therese
70. Peace Garden Mama
71. JoAnna @ A Star of Hope
72. Finding Grace Within
73. Erin@Seven Little Australians Plus One
74. Nicole @ As Many As We're Given
75. Manda @ inside dog
76. Julie Stiles Mills

How to build traffic to your blog

2009-06-25T06:20:00.000-05:00

Check out my guest post at Rachelle Gardner's site: How to build traffic to your blog

Today I put on my web developer hat for a guest post at literary agent Rachelle Gardner's site about how to get traffic to a blog. I've been creating websites for more than 10 years both professionally and personally, and have had a couple that were fairly successful (one getting almost 1 million hits per month at its peak). I've learned a lot of important lessons the hard way, and I'm excited to be able to share them with you guys. I tried to condense the most essential things I've learned into one short post. I'm honored to write for Rachelle's blog and hope that my tips are helpful!

Also, if you're a writer with even a mild interest in getting published one day, Rachelle's blog is a must-read. I've done a lot of research on the subject, and I think I've learned more from her blog than from the stacks of books I've read about the publishing industry.

Comments are open over there. I'm going to do my best to respond to any questions (although I'm especially busy this week so might not be able to get to every one). I look forward to hearing from you over at Rachelle's place!

Talk to me about the Psalms

2009-06-23T13:06:00.006-05:00

I'll be on the road heading home from our trip to Houston this afternoon, so I thought I'd let you guys do the talking today. Here's what I'd like to get your thoughts on:

I feel like I don't "get" the Psalms.

Ever since I started praying the Liturgy of the Hours, which is centered around the Psalms, I've realized that these ancient songs don't seem to resonate with me as strongly as they do with other people. I do appreciate the way they chronicle the highs and lows of the human experience, but a lot of times I just don't know where the psalmist is coming from, and some of them seem to go against Christian teaching (e.g. the psalmist asking God to smite his enemies in Psalm 69). I realize that we Christians believe that, as part of the Old Testament, the Psalms need to be understood in light of what God revealed in the New Testament...but I guess I don't understand why they continue to play such a big part in Christian prayer then.

Anyway, I know that the problem is me and not the Psalms; believers have found deep inspiration in them for thousands of years, so I'm clearly missing something. Anyone have any thoughts? How can I better appreciate these sacred poems? (As always, book recommendations would be great.)

Faith on display

2009-06-22T01:37:00.006-05:00

The chaos of being on vacation with four kids under five in a non-childproof house is using up all my mental energy, so here's one from the archives. It was originally published on October 9, 2007, and is still something I think about a lot today. I'll be interested to hear your thoughts.

One subject that's related to our recent discussion about women covering their heads at church is the concept of outward signs of piety. In the comments here as well as other conversations I've heard on the topic, people sometimes mention that they don't do something that is an outward sign of their beliefs (e.g. praying in public, wearing chapel veils, carrying a Bible, etc.) because they're afraid they'll seem self-righteous. I've also heard people mention with a note of shame that it pleases them when others comment on their pious dress or actions.

But is that definitely a bad thing?

It love it when something I do or say or wear indicates to a stranger that I'm a Christian and they comment on it. I hope I'm not off base here, but I've been assuming that the pleasure I take in these kinds of events isn't a bad thing. I just think it's exciting when I'm identified as being serious -- or, at least attempting to be serious -- about my religion.

Once again, a lot of my feelings here are influenced by my atheist background. When I was an atheist I told myself that nobody even believed this Christianity stuff anymore. I saw what I wanted to see to tell myself that all these so-called "Christians" didn't even take their own religion seriously and just went to church for social reasons. But on the rare occasions that I saw someone who went against the grain and did something unusual as an outward sign of their faith, it gave me pause.

One time I saw a few nuns in an airport. I noticed a priest at a local restaurant one afternoon. Once on a plane there was a little old lady in the aisle across from me who read her Bible out loud (quietly) through the whole trip, and when we landed safely she looked up and profusely thanked Jesus. One day I walked into a deli to see a Rabbi and a couple of orthodox Jewish men at a table. There was a family at a diner one time who all held hands bowed their heads in a long prayer before eating.

I smiled on all these occasions. These religious in their habits, the lady with the Bible, the Jewish men, the family in prayer...their actions and appearances left me without my old line that nobody took religion seriously anymore. They might have plenty of faults, I'd think, they might be wrong, but I can't say they don't take it seriously. Their religion is such a big part of their lives that they're willing to look different than everyone else, to risk stares and perhaps even ridicule, to live their faith publicly.

I not only felt respect for people like this, but I even felt a bit of warmth upon seeing them. I didn't know where that feeling came from at the time, but looking back I think I know what it was: hope. Though I had never consciously entertained the notion that God might exist, I think that something within me felt joy at the recognition that these people obviously believed the whole God thing, and they didn't look totally insane. These people were beacons of hope to something hidden deep, deep down inside me...the part of me that wanted them to be right.

Another reason that I've come to love being recognized as a Catholic Christian is that I've discovered that many people who have fallen away from faith want to talk about it. Comments about my closely-spaced children frequently lead to the subject that I'm a convert to Catholicism, and I've been amazed at how many times people have opened up to me about their personal crises with faith and asked me questions about what led me to Christianity -- so much so that I keep joking with my husband that I'm going to get an ASK ME ABOUT MY CONVERSION FROM ATHEISM TO CATHOLICISM t-shirt. I actually wish there were more ways that I could outwardly display my faith to others so that anyone who would like to talk about it would recognize me as someone who'd be more than happy to chat with them. Sure, some people might think that I fancy myself to be some kind of holy roller, but if even one person found it inspiring or helpful it would be worth the tradeoff.

And, finally, I think that displaying my faith through attire or actions helps keep me in line. I'm thinking about hanging a rosary from my rear-view mirror, and having it there will definitely incentivize me to keep any road rage in check. Sometimes it's nice to have a physical reminder that, as a Christian, I'm supposed to be representing Christ to the world.

I want to end this with a BIG disclaimer that I'm not saying that outward displays of faith mean that you're actually holy or devout or pious or whatever (definitely not in my case!), or that if you don't do anything to "show" your faith then you're not serious about it. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I just wanted to throw this out there, especially to share my memories from back before I was a Christian, to say that I think that sometimes the concept of outwardly showing your faith gets a bad rap. Sure, it's not a good thing if it's motivated by pride or feeling superior to others. But I've noticed that, even when those motivations are ruled out, when discerning these types of matters people usually err on the side of not doing anything to publicly display their faith unless there's some extraordinary reason to do so. The reason usually cited is fear of appearing self-righteous. Perhaps that is a concern, but I think it should also be weighed with the benefits of having others recognize you as someone who is at least attempting to take his or her faith seriously. To some you may seem pretentious; but to others you may be a ray of hope.

7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 38)

2009-06-19T00:00:00.014-05:00

--- 1 ---

We're headed to Houston this weekend to visit Yaya, go to dinner with a friend who's in town, and my husband and son are meeting up with friends at a Houston Dynamo soccer game.

I'm trying not to dwell on the downsides (demolished nap schedules, overtired kids who don't sleep well away from home, a three-hour drive with lots of stops, my one-year-old's love of screaming in the car, packing for six people, three of whom wear diapers) and focus on the positives (the inevitable plethora of hilarious Yaya stories, seeing our friend, Mass at the beautiful Co-Cathedral of the Sacred Heart).

No fear, right?

--- 2 ---

The guy we're going to see while we're in Houston is a dear friend whom we haven't seen in a while. There's so much I want to chat with him about! Gosh, I want to hear all about how his business is going, what's new with our mutual friends, where he's traveled lately! Yup, I think that's about it...oh, wait, there might be one more thing...what could it be...? Ah, yes. He did just so happen to write a book that recently hit the #1 spot in his genre on the New York Times bestseller list. I guess I might have just one or two questions on the subject of HOW ONE GETS ONE'S BOOK TO BE A NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER.

(Unfortunately something tells me that the first tip would be, "Don't write about Catholic stuff.")

--- 3 ---

This morning I came across some old pictures from the best vacation my husband and I ever took. I thought it might be fun to post a picture and see if anyone could guess where it is. So take a guess about where I went for my favorite vacation ever:

In what part of the world was this picture taken?

I'll post the answer in next week's 7 Quick Takes.

(I realize that if I were a good blogger I would turn this into a fun little contest with a fabulous prize for whoever gets it right. Unfortunately I can't deal with that right now, so if you get it right your reward is me saying, "You're right!" Thrilling, I know.)

--- 4 ---

I have the opportunity to record my conversion story for consideration that it be turned into a CD. The problem is that in my adult life I've only given one speech, and it didn't go all that well (as it turns out, when I get up in front of a crowd I get nervous and my skin breaks out in bright red blotches that makes me look like I have a horrible disease -- lesson learned).

Anyway...I do fine with radio interviews and other conversational formats, but I don't think that formal lectures or speeches come naturally to me. Anyone know of any good books or websites for speaking tips?

--- 5 ---

I've been following the story of The Charis Project with great interest, and was glad to hear that they've gotten some new sponsors on board. Blogger Carrien of She Laughs at the Days has been working hard to help children in Thailand whose parents were killed by the Burmese Army (a topic especially close to my heart after learning more about the condition of world orphans as part of Kidsave training). Click here to see the profiles of some of these children who need help -- and maybe consider sponsoring one of them?

--- 6 ---

Speaking of tips for managing the chaos with a house full of little ones, here's one little thing I've done lately that's been nothing short of life-changing: Cooking dinner during lunch. That gives me the rest of the day to get the kitchen straightened up, we have plenty of time to hang out as a family when my husband gets home from work, and after dinner we only have to deal with the dishes we use for eating. So helpful!

(Let me not wait until the fine print at the bottom of the post to say that this is a picture by sonicwalker on Flickr, not a photo of something I cooked. Messy chicken broccoli casserole and chili slopped into a bowl are more my style these days.)

--- 7 ---

I do not know how much more "missing Catholic conferences taking place in my back yard" I can take. I had been planning to go to next weekend's Catholic New Media Celebration since January, and then found out that that was the weekend of baby Joy's baptism. I tried to change it but her godparents are coming in from Mexico and that was the only weekend that would work for them.

Then I heard that the Fullness of Truth Conference would also be in San Antonio in August and a bunch of families in the local homeschooling group are driving down together. How cool! I've always wanted to see Scott Hahn speak! Maybe his wife Kimberly would even be there! After running it by my equally enthusiastic husband I called to make reservations...and the hotel had sold out of all the rooms reserved for the conference. Gah!

I'm really busy the first weekend in August -- be looking out for a papal visit to central Texas around that time.

----------------

1. Trena @ The Third Prayer
2. Katherine @ The Domestic Church
3. Laura
4. Venite
5. NCSue
6. Christine the Soccer Mom
7. Linda-One Voice
8. Jennifer @ Here I Stand
9. Erin@Seven Little Australians Plus One
10. Emily in NC
11. Aimee @ The Mother Load
12. Angie @ Many Little Blessings
13. Laura@Life,Faith,Home,School
14. Renee @ End of Nihilism
15. Sarah
16. Sara @ A Shower of Roses
17. Amy @ From the Desk of Mom
18. Megan
19. Scarlett
20. Lerin @ Beautiful Chaos
21. Betty Beguiles
22. entropy
23. Peace Garden Mama
24. Sarah @This Heavenlylife (Now with more hormones!)
25. Ingrid Airam
26. Laughing Lioness
27. Pharmgirl @ Adventures in Pharm Land
28. Kate @ A Simple Walk

29. Tami @ The Next Step
30. Missus Wookie
31. Becky (Beck's Three)
32. majellamom
33. Milehimama (Mama Says)
34. violingirl
35. Brandilicious
36. Amanda
37. beckygiggles2
38. Annemarie
39. Charlotte@ GTH
40. joy@joy in the morning
41. Not Strictly Spiritual
42. Amongst Lovely Things
43. Veronica - Making Gumbo
44. Jamie
45. Rebecca
46. Nili
47. Creative Camille
48. Sing Me the Old Songs
49. need chocolate
50. Elena @My Domestic church
51. JoAnna @ A Star of Hope
52. Dorian Speed
53. Lenetta @ Nettacow
54. Mary
55. Amy F
56. Steph @ My Country Haven (Crock Pot Yogurt)

57. A Broader Mark
58. Elena
59. Jen @ Happy Little Homemaker (K-Mart Doubles Diaper Deal!)
60. Erin @ Coming Out Catholic
61. Sarah at MamaLong
62. Jen @ The Short Years
63. MommyMonkey
64. Kimberly (Selkie1970)
65. Elise@Anything Goes
66. Sarah Reinhard (Moms as Super Heroes)
67. Diane @ at least three
68. Jenny @ Heart of a Mother
69. Dymphna
70. Tina @ Multiple Mom T
71. Political Housewyf- Homeschooler Conference
72. Deedee
73. Constance
74. Betty Duffy
75. the luxurious life of anna
76. Annie @ Land of Burps&Farts
77. Catherine @ To Mark Time
78. Julie Stiles Mills
79. sarah@ fumbling toward grace
80. Lisa
81. Simply Catholic
82. Kathleen
83. Gill-Life of a Photographer

Microphone photo by hiddedevries; Suitcase photo by malias

7 Quick Takes Friday tomorrow!

2009-06-18T09:35:00.002-05:00

Since there are quite a few new readers this week, I wanted to take a moment to invite you all to join us in 7 Quick Takes Friday tomorrow. It's the simplest blog carnival on the web: just list seven thoughts that are too short for a blog post but too long for Twitter and add a link to your post in the Mr. Linky widget at the bottom of my post (if you don't have a blog you're more than welcome to write yours in the comments). Here are some example 7 Quick Takes.

I've found that it's a fun way to share all sorts of stuff that your readers might find interesting/amusing but that wouldn't qualify for a full blog post. See you tomorrow!

Tips for surviving (and thriving!) in the baby/toddler phase

2009-06-17T09:20:00.011-05:00

Or, A Few Things I've Learned from Having Four Kids in Five Years

I started this post as an answer to the most frequently asked question I get, "How do you find time to write?", but realized that the answer stems from my overall approach to life with little ones. As I've said before, since we're ~~bad at NFP~~ open to the possibility of more children, my husband and I don't see the baby/toddler years as a brief phase, but rather we've come to see having little ones around as just part of life for the long-term. This has prompted us to spend a lot of time thinking and praying about how to not only survive but thrive in a house with multiple children in diapers.

I thought I'd share some of the general "life management" tips we've come up with. I don't offer this as expert advice, and I assure you that I do not walk around feeling like I have it all figured out. These are just some ideas that my husband and I have found helpful that I thought I'd post in case they give anyone else food for thought.

1. It's all about optimizing

Accept that you can't do it all: My husband is fond of saying that optimizing isn't about having it all, it's about being good at not having it all. In a busy phase of life such as this there's no way that you're going to be able to scrapbook and garden and can vegetables and blog and try new recipes and maintain lots of close friendships and reply to all your email (GAH!) and learn to sew and watch TV and so on. You will only be able to do a few of the all those things you'd like to do, so it's important to make conscious decisions about how you spend each hour of the day.
Know the goal: In order to make tough choices about what to fit into your life vs. what to leave out, it's important to clarify what your primary goals for yourself and your family are. For example, our first goal as individuals is to be close to God, our second goal is to draw each other and our family to God. Below that might be other things like accomplishments I'd like to have with my writing or successes my husband would like to see in his career, but they are all secondary to that primary goal. It's helpful when tough tradeoffs arise to have that clearly defined.
Value flexibility: The only thing that's predictable with a house full of little ones is that it's unpredictable: kids get sick, babies wake up at night, toddlers have temper tantrums, etc. I've found it critical to make sure that all of the activities I'm involved in allow for flexibility. For example, I'm not involved in any ministries that have regularly-recurring meetings, and I recently turned down some interesting writing work because it involved deadlines. In order to be able to make daily choices that put my highest goal first, I need wiggle room to be able to spend more time with my family as the need arises.

2. Housework: Prioritize and seek inspiration

No matter what your goal is for your family, it's hard to achieve it -- or do anything at all -- if your house is total chaos.

Prioritize: Decide with your family what level of order and cleanliness would be the right balance of bringing everyone peace without making you too overworked. Again, I think it's really important to make this a conscious decision that you make with your husband rather than (as I tend to do) just doing things done haphazardly as you get to them. For example, my husband and I have decided together that it's okay with both of us if it takes a few days to get clean laundry put away; however, we've decided that dirty dishes in the sink really bother us, so we make sure that at least that is taken care of each day. Spelling this out with my husband has resolved a lot of nagging guilt I used to have about what was and wasn't getting done each day.
Seek inspiration: There are a lot of great books out there with ideas about how to stay on top of all the little daily tasks involved with running a house, such as FlyLady, A Mother's Rule of Life, Sidetracked Home Executives, etc. It's unlikely that any one system would be a perfect fit for your family, but many of these books can offer great food for thought if you're having trouble getting it all done.

3. Know thyself

Introvert or extrovert?: It's been my experience that one of the most important things to know about yourself, especially in a busy time of life, is whether you're an introvert or extrovert. The most helpful way I've heard these concepts defined is in terms of how you recharge your batteries. Which soothes you more when you're feeling run down: having quiet time to yourself or being around people? If it's the former you're more introverted, if it's the latter you're more extroverted. When you're running at 100% each day it's very important to understand the best way to recharge your batteries...
Think about which activities wear you down and which give you energy: This sounds obvious, but I've found it surprising how often I assume that something will be no big deal for me just because it's no big deal for most people. For example, when I was a new mom I went to weekly playdates because it seemed like that's what all moms enjoyed. I eventually realized that while I also enjoy playdates, as an introvert, they're much more exhausting for me. Whereas something like writing, which might be hard work for someone else, actually leaves me feeling relaxed and energized. This understanding helped me choose which activities to be involved in and how frequently to be involved in them so that I didn't end up frazzled.
Explain it to your spouse: It's helped my husband and I support one another to realize what the basic things are that each of us need to stay sane. For example, it's important that my husband understand that, as an introvert, it is a very high priority that I get regular quiet time to recharge my batteries; whereas the spouse of an extrovert would need to understand how important it is for that person to get regular social interaction.

4. Remember that serving others does not mean running yourself ragged

I've mentioned before in posts like this one and this one and this one just what an important realization this has been for me. As a Christian I am called to live a life of selflessness...yet I cannot do truly serve others if I'm not meeting my own needs first.

Prayer: This subject has been covered better by other people, but the importance of making time for daily prayer can't be overstated. You can't give what you don't have, and you can't show Christ to others if you're not developing a deep relationship with him yourself. Though I struggle with making prayer a priority in my own life, I've found that there are incredible fruits when I do. (All my posts on the topic of making time for daily prayer are here.)
Food: I used to get through the newborn period by constantly eating foods that would give me a quick "high" like chips, sodas and snack foods. After I cut those out as part of my "Saint Diet," I found that I not only lost weight but had so much more energy to get through my busy days.
Exercise: I will readily admit that this is an area of my life that could use a lot of improvement, but I've found that even trying to be more active with the kids by going to parks or even just running around the house with them helps keep me from getting run down physically.
Sleep: With my first child I was devoted to the concept of co-sleeping, but after 18 months of trying various ways to make it work I found myself so severely sleep deprived that I was depressed and even becoming a dangerous driver. After I switched to a more scheduled approach with babies sleeping in their cribs, such as the one laid out in Kim West's book Good Night, Sleep Tight, I saw a 180-degree difference in my happiness, my energy level and my ability to serve my family. However, what works for one person isn't what will work for everyone. Here's a great post by a mom of ten talking about how going from strict scheduling to co-sleeping worked wonders for her family. Either way, I think it's important to make it a priority to get good sleep whenever possible.
Fun: I've found having a hobby that challenges and excites me is a great source of inspiration that helps get me through those tough times when I feel really overwhelmed. Back to the "Know Thyself" idea, though, I think it's important to carefully choose activities that give you energy rather than take it. For example, formal photography, scrapbooking and sewing are all hobbies I'd really enjoy, but they would use up a lot of energy. Given my very limited free time I've chosen to only have one hobby right now -- writing -- which is something that is a source of energy for me rather than a drain.

"But how do I know how much time to take for things like rest and prayer and hobbies? How do I know if I'm getting what I legitimately need or just being lazy?" are questions that immediately popped into my mind when I was first introduced to this concept. Which brings us to...

5. Be careful about how you evaluate yourself

Schedule "mini New Years" for reflection: It's sometimes hard to know where to draw the line between giving yourself a needed break and just being lazy. "Do I let the kids watch too much TV?" "Could I read to them more?" The answers to questions like that aren't always clear, and it's surprisingly easy (at least for me) to succumb to unnecessary guilt when you can't do as much because it's truly a bad week or, on the other hand, to tell yourself that you're doing fine when you're actually slacking. It's hard to discern these things in the heat of the moment, so I've found it incredibly helpful to reserve judgment on my overall success in my vocation to three "mini New Years" spread throughout the year (which I talked about more in #3 here). I set aside these days for serious high-level reflection on where I am in my life vs. where I should be, and knowing that I have that helps ward off mommy guilt on a day-to-day basis.
Don't compare yourself to other moms: As Sarah pointed out in this great post, things are totally different for moms with children of different ages, and as Molly Miller pointed out in this inspiring article, we all have a completely unique set of gifts that will make some things harder or easier for us than they are for other women.
Consider getting a spiritual director: As I said here, I have found it immensely helpful to have a trained, orthodox spiritual director to help me honestly evaluate how well I am doing as a wife, mother and Christian.

6. Be proactive about creating a support network

As I've we talked about last year, I'm a big believer that we weren't meant to raise kids in isolation. I've found it to be critically important to seek out a support network so that our family has extra help if we need it, and so that I can get little breaks here and there when other people are around.

If possible, put down roots: People often remark that my husband and I are so lucky that my mom lives nearby and we seem to be surrounded by people able to babysit or lend and extra hand here and there. A large part of that stems from the decision we made to put down roots in this area. It's meant sacrificing potential money and career advancement for my husband, but the payoff has been huge in terms of building a community and support network for ourselves.
Learn to accept imperfect help: I once wrote about the ah-hah moment I had when I realized that it wasn't so much that I didn't have any help as much as it was that I didn't have help that was on my terms. Once I went through the painful process of learning to accept "imperfect" help, even when it meant dishwasher chaos, it opened doors for me to receive so much support that my perfectionism had prevented me from receiving before.
Remember that getting help isn't an all-or-nothing thing: This might not be an option for everyone (as it hasn't been for us for plenty of periods), but during rough patches it's worth seeing if a small amount of temporary help might be able to be squeezed into the budget. For example, a couple years ago I was lamenting that I had my hands really full yet couldn't afford help. My husband pointed out that, while it was true that a full-time nanny wasn't in the budget, we could set aside a certain amount of money to use to hire someone to come in a few hours a week for a couple of months, just to help me get through this rough phase. We ended up finding a nice lady to come over for part of the morning two days a week for a few weeks, and it was a tremendous help.

7. Partner with your spouse

This is another one that's probably obvious, but one thing that has been very helpful for our marriage and our family is that my husband and I share with one another in everything we do. For example, we see his career as something we're both involved in, and we see the writing I do as something we do together: he gets my input on dilemmas at work, I tell him about interesting blog comments and get his feedback on what I'm writing about, etc. As busy as we are, it's especially helpful not to have a lot of boundaries about "his stuff" and "my stuff," otherwise it would be hard to do it all and still find time for our marriage.

8. Put God first

All of the above are some practical tips my husband and I have come up with for managing life in a house full of little ones. All of them are ultimately meaningless, though, if the final aim isn't deeper union with God. We've found that it's so important to remind ourselves that everything we do, down to the smallest action, should somehow, some way, be aimed at bringing us closer to God. Not that we're living that out perfectly, of course, but knowing that that's the goal helps us make good choices about what to do with our very limited time, and it helps us support one another to know that we're both working toward the same thing.

If that makes it sound like we're ultra-holy people, I assure you we're not. We have committed to put God first in our lives not only because it's what we "should" do, but because, after putting everything else first for so many years, we have found it to be true that God is the only source of lasting happiness. Even in our crazy busy lives with four kids under age five, we have found that, compared to our old lives, his yoke is easy, and his burden is light.

I went out to buy a skirt.

2009-06-15T00:00:00.005-05:00

If I had to name just one blog that is my all-time favorite, I think I would choose the now-defunct "I Have to Sit Down" by Simcha Fisher. I recently contacted her to beg her to let me re-run the post below, originally published in January 2008, since I still think of it any time I go shopping. Simcha is a homeschooling mother of eight who now blogs at Inside Catholic.

Some women speak of "retail therapy" -- shopping to lift one's mood, or to reward or compensate oneself for some trauma.

For me, shopping is the trauma.

Here's how the day goes: Before leaving the house, I prepare myself to shop. I take a shower and do that special fluffing thing to my hair. I wear my most helpful undergarments, and when I walk into the store, I use a deliberately confident stride.

I start out at my favorite store, which has nice clothes, good sales, and dressing room attendants who don't look likely to wilt under the weight of a pair of size 16 pants.

Like a ranch hand guiding a nervous filly through a pen of rattle snakes, I murmur gently to myself as I browse the shelves. What a lot of nice stuff! I breathe encouragingly. You should wear more colors! You're really pretty young, and you have every right to be shopping in any part of the store. You have money in your pocket, don't you? So let's do this.

I take a deep breath and step away from the maternity section (after noting bitterly that now, now, of course, they're selling pretty maternity clothes. As soon as I get pregnant, though, they'll take them all away and start showing clown outfits again).

The mistakes began right away.

First, I try to repair thirty-three years of dressing timidly...with a single purchase. I begin to hunt for something completely opposite from my usual taste, because, after all, this one needs to count! If I'm going to take the radical step of actually picking something out, instead of just mysteriously finding it in my closet, it might as well be interesting, right?

Bristling with confidence and imagination, I rapidly choose four shirts, two skirts, and even a dress, even though I'm still nursing the baby all the time. Everything I pick is clingy, ruffly, and has straps in unusual places. There are unexpected diagonals, and even patterns.

I beam at the attendant and proudly announce that I have seven items! She seems puzzled at my pride, but hands me a plastic "7" tag. I step into the fitting room, with all the mirrors and lights, and I take off my clothes.

I was prepared...and yet I was not prepared.

Congress is still debating whether it actually constitutes torture to confront one's fully illuminated bottom in a public space. I can tell you one thing: the process does not encourage the victim (that's me, not my bottom) to give up good information.

My mental state slams into disaster mode. My eyes cross, my vision blurs. I feel unworthy, angry, and giddy all at once, at the same time as trying to get a grip. This is only the first store, and I can't go home yet! I think of how annoyed at myself I will be if the day of the special occasion comes, and I have to assemble an outfit out of the stained, pilled rags and bags I already have at home. So I begin to try things on.

I draw the following conclusions:

"XL" does not mean what it used to mean;
Peasant blouses do not flatter the forms of people who are actually descended from actual peasants;
And yes, there is a reason I have never before tried on a cherry-red blouse made out of two layers of sheer seersucker.

It's still so early in the game, though. I'm fine, I'm fine. I take the circus costumes off, put my real clothes on again, and look myself sternly in the eye. I fish my emergency lipstick out of a secret pocket in my purse (my regular lipstick is in the medicine chest. It is a decoy, so the kids have something to bite). With lipstick on, at least one part of me is in well-defined. No more nonsense, now.

I march myself back out to the suitably named racks. This time, I firmly choose four items in various shades of black. I pick out sizes so enormous that I could comfortably wear them to the delivery room. Let's see me look silly now!

The dressing room lady gives me another plastic tag and a sympathetic smile. The heck with the mirrors this time; I'm just going to do this by feel. I skin off my clothes, skin the new ones on. Cautiously, I check myself out.

Well, except for the clean carpet, I might as well be at home. I have managed to find four outfits which are exactly like what I already own, only bigger. And anyway, I can't wear black to a baptism! People will think I don't like babies, and why would they think that? I giggle to myself, and my belly jiggles. Okay.

Once more, I head out. I check out the junior section. I check out the plus-size section. I check out the shoe section. I wander, I dilly-dally, I deny. I think about whether we need more ipecac syrup. I pick up a few things we need for the house, and then head back to the clothes. Determined to come away with something, I grab a coat off the clearance rack. It's a really good deal, and I sort of need a coat, kind of, and it certainly fits me. It would fit anyone -- it's basically a slipcover with shoulders. But only $14! I buy it, and try the next store.

This time, when someone asks if I need help, I confess that I do. "I am looking," I explain, "for a long skirt."

The saleslady actually laughs.

She shows me what they do have, which is some kind of apparatus made of streamers and elastic, with tasteful iridescent sequins in the shape of sea horses. And there are also some tops, which were designed to be worn by -- well, what did the designer have in mind, exactly? Prostitutes, certainly, but there is also some hint of the world of toddlers. And Elizabethan England, plus gymnastics class.

Still trying to pretend that I'm not wasting my time, I choose two skirts. They're not long, but they're not too short, and they are the best of the lot, because they don't look like some unholy hybrid of two different pieces of clothing.

This time in the fitting room, I'm only interested in speed. I know I'm not going to buy anything, but I'm forging ahead, as Daffy Duck would say, out of sheer honesty. These are supposed to be clothes, eh? Okay, I'll put 'em on. Joke's on you!

Next store. This is a store I've never even been in before. I wasn't even sure, by the name, if they sold clothes. It turns out they do...sort of. What they sell mostly is things in the "baby doll" style. Seeing as I'm shopping in a rare window of time when I am neither traveling with nor gestating a baby, I pass.

Whom I'm angry at, I can't really say, but by this time, I am nearly shaking with righteous indignation. Oh, and hunger. I left the house right before lunch, and now it's an hour after lunch, and I will not be suckered into spending money on a quarter pounder with cheese, which doesn't go well with any skirt in any size. Next!

Next is really the last possible store I can manage to go into. There are other clothing stores in town, but I am already only minutes away from passing out from hunger and frustration, and I'd rather not die behind the wheel just because I'm not at peace with my hips.

One final door. I enter.

Oh yes: the reason I saved this store for last. Lights glare in a frantic shade of pink. The music howls. The aisles between the racks are so narrow, I have to push back a jungle of slithery garments with both hips as I walk, and I'm walking sideways. All the salesgirls are fourteen years old, and they each wear their dyed black hair in a theatrically extreme side part, revealing one burning eye smeared with kohl. There is a muffled babble of thrilled voices as the pseudo-prepubescent boychild girl customers exclaim into the blue glow of their cellphones.

I've been in and out of overheated stores and wintry parking lots so many times by now that my nose is running magnificently, my appendages are pulsing, and I feel that I am putting off steam. One raven-haired acolyte detaches herself from a shimmering wall display and asks, with some alarm, if I need help finding anything.

My child, you have no idea.

I say (and this is a direct quote): "I am at the end of my rope. I can't think anymore. I need some help."

Is it really just coincidence that the outfit that comes to her mind is off in a dark alcove at the back? Or am I really making her store look that bad? Either way, the garment she shows me is nonsense, just nonsense. I don't even know what it is. I think it's sideways, or maybe not.

I stumble back to the car. The car turns itself on and anxiously steers me, all by itself, back to one of the stores I had already tried and found wanting. Unseen hands gently shove me, shattered, back to a rack of skirts.

There is a blue and white one there, with a pattern only a bit laughable, of a length just barely insulting to my calves, in a size only a few numbers off, in a price only slightly offensive. I buy it. I go back to the car, and I go back home.

My husband says he thought I must have run over an old man, I looked so stricken. I buried my face on his chest and had to be soothed for several minutes before I was ready to reveal what had happened to me today:

I bought myself a skirt.

Big thanks to Simcha for letting me re-run this! Check out more of her writing at the Inside Catholic blog.

We have dates!

2009-06-13T10:28:00.003-05:00

I'm so excited, I just had to share: we finally found out when our Kidsave Summer Miracles child will be here: July 2 - August 4.

(For those of you who aren't familiar with the story of our involvement with Kidsave, I wrote about it here.)

7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 37)

2009-06-12T00:00:00.009-05:00

--- 1 ---

I have had it with laundry. HAD IT. Unfolded baskets of clothes have sort of become part of the decorating theme around here, and it seems like every time I think I've caught up I open the dryer to behold the crushing sight of an entire load that I'd forgotten about.

I've decided that the situation requires a bold move: I am going to invent disposable clothes. I'll even use environmentally-friendly biodegradable paper material so that we can use them as compost for the garden when we're done with them.

"But won't feel like an idiot leaving the house in a glorified paper bag?" you ask. Perhaps. But we'll see if I still feel like an idiot when I'm kicking back and reading blogs while all the other housewives in the world are doing laundry!

I took the liberty of Photoshopping a preview of my design concept on a model. As you can see, it's fashion-forward and contemporary with a rustic twist. Look for my new "paper bag chic" collection on runways this fall.

--- 2 ---

So I finally switched from Bloglines to Google Reader. Rather than transferring all my feeds I decided to just start fresh.

One tip I've found for keeping your blog reading load from getting out of control: start a "Waitlist" folder on your reader for new blogs you come across that you think you might want to follow. Then you can keep up with them for a while to see if the content is something you enjoy before you add it to your main list.

Anyway, starting over with the blogs I follow has allowed me to stumble across some great new finds. Some new-to-me blogs I'm really enjoying: Pursuing Titus 2, Owlhaven and Domestic Felicity. I highly recommend them!

--- 3 ---

I was thinking the other day that I'm not sure if I ever posted the quote that inspired the name of this blog. When I decided that I wanted to change the name I had a few ideas I was toying with, but after I ran across this quote from Pope Benedict (from his excellent book Journey to Easter) I knew I wanted to call it Conversion Diary:

"To be converted" means to follow Jesus, to walk with him, on his way. But let us again insist on the fact that God "brings us back," converts us. Conversion is not human self-realization, and man is not the architect of his own life. Conversion consists essentially in that decision by which man ceases to be his own creator, ceases to seek his own self and his self-realization, but accepts his dependence on the true Creator, on creative love, accepts that his dependence is true freedom and that the freedom of autonomy emancipated from the Creator is not freedom but illusion, deception.

--- 4 ---

A public service announcement for PR people: when you're trying to personalize a form letter, watch the font changes. I get a surprising number of emails that look something like this:

Hi Jennifer, I really enjoy your blog, Conversion Diary. I was thinking that you might want to tell your readers about an exciting new book called..."

(And the rest of the email is in the latter font.) Personally, I don't mind. I think that any attempt as personalization is a nice touch. But I just thought I'd throw that out there since it's a mistake I see all the time.

--- 5 ---

It has been way too long since I did a "book chat" post. I keep meaning to get to it but those posts aren't as easy to write. Since I can't stand going too long without talking about what I'm reading, here's a list of things I've read over the past few months:

Real Food: What to Eat and Why by Nina Planck
Rome Sweet Home by Scott and Kimberly Hahn
The Duggars: 20 and Counting! by Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar
Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin
Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton
The Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X (currently reading)
The Rosary: Keeping Company with Jesus and Mary by (fellow former atheist) Karen Edmisten (currently reading)

Reviews coming soon!

--- 6 ---

It must be exasperating to people who summit Mt. Everest that you often can't see anything in the background. A friend of a friend recently did it and sent out a big email announcing his accomplishment. When I opened the attached picture it just showed him in a parka with his hair blowing around against a white background. Maybe it's because I'm so unbelievably lazy that I consider walking to the mailbox exercise, but if I made it to the top of Mt. Everest you'd better believe that I'd want it to be VERY CLEAR from the pictures I sent out that that's where I was. Shoot, I'd probably pack my own "rugged mountain landscape" backdrop to put up behind me in case the weather was cloudy to make sure that people got the point.

If I'd known this guy better I would have thrown on a parka, turned our box fan on full blast and had my husband take a picture of me against a white wall, and sent it to him saying, "Me too!" But then he might get the impression that I'm some fool with too much time on my hands. I wouldn't want him to get that impression.

--- 7 ---

This week's wine pick:

2007 Louis Jadot Macon Villages chardonnay which we bought for about $14 (seen here with some mozzarella cheese I got to use in a recipe with basil from the Darwins' garden). My husband says, "Lots of nice, complex flavors. I think it's as good as many $40 bottles of Sancerre." I say, "It's good and cheap."

----------------------

1. Peace Garden Mama
2. IngridAiram
3. puella
4. Venite
5. Enbrethiliel
6. Sarah Reinhard (Philosophy of Jesus)
7. NCSue
8. Laura
9. Elise@Anything Goes
10. Debbie
11. Trena @ The Third Prayer
12. Katherine @ The Domestic Church
13. Tami @ The Next Step
14. Pharmgirl @ Adventures in Pharm Land
15. Tina @ Multiple Mom T
16. Sarah @This Heavenlylife (Now with more hormones!)
17. Sara @ A Shower of Roses
18. Charlotte @GTH
19. Mary
20. Rebecca @ The Momologue
21. Lenae
22. Tiphaine@frog's life

23. Elena
24. Annemarie
25. Wendy from Zoom
26. Scarlett
27. LittlemaryBT/Alyssa
28. WeaverMom
29. violingirl
30. Amanda
31. Mrs. B
32. joy@joy in the morning
33. Amy @ From the Desk of Mom
34. Jamie
35. Rebecca
36. Missus Wookie
37. Mrs. Bubbles
38. Char
39. Amanda @ The Mom Job
40. Kathryn @ The Bookworm
41. Koala Bear Writer
42. Baroquem
43. Sing Me the Old Songs
44. Becky (Beck's Three)

45. Elena @My Domestic church
46. stephanie (LSL/Bold Avenue)
47. Cheryl (My Thoughtful Spot)
48. Gill-Life of a Photographer
49. Nicole @ As Many As We're Given
50. Jenny @ Heart of a Mother
51. majellamom
52. Salome Ellen
53. SandyC.
54. entropy
55. Shannon
56. Melanie @ The Wine Dark Sea
57. Julie Stiles Mills
58. Betty Duffy
59. AgnesRegina @ The Steel Lily
60. Erin
61. Simply Catholic
62. Anne Marie - Tour of My World Edition
63. Annie
64. Catherine @ To Mark Time
65. Em @ Gratitude. Simplicity. Frugality.

Fear of life

2009-06-10T19:35:00.004-05:00

I keep thinking about Mei Fong's heartbreaking article in the Wall Street Journal from a few weeks ago about Chinese parents who lost children in the Sichuan earthquake. One part in particular has stuck in my mind, filling me with sadness whenever I think about it:

[Zhu Jianming] and his wife Lu Shuhua, 45, had battled hardships: their first child, a son, was mentally disabled, so they were legally allowed to have a second child. Their son, Yinshui, drowned at 20. Daughter Xinyue, 14, perished in the quake...The Zhus said neighbors were avoiding them; Mrs. Zhu thought it was because of fears the now-childless couple would increasingly depend on others.

Hearing about their neighbors' reaction reminded me of something I've noticed over the past couple of years:

One of the most obvious differences I've seen since I've gone from running in mostly nonreligious to mostly religious social circles is how much more life you see among religious groups of people. When I think back on the almost thirty years I spent in secular social networks, I'm struck by how comparatively quiet and sterile everything seemed. In religious circles I see so much more marriage, more adoption, more biological children, more people letting friends or relatives live with them -- more crazy, messy, loud life.

In particular, the most striking difference I've seen in this area is when it comes to helping people in need. I've seen a sincere desire to help others in both my old and new social networks, but it plays out in very different ways. In the secular crowd people might volunteer at soup kitchens or organize aid programs for the needy, the most dedicated might even join the Peace Corps. The Christians, I noticed, volunteered and did aid programs and went on international missions as well, but they crossed a line that I almost never saw crossed in the secular world: they were willing to help others by letting them become intimately involved in their own lives.

The first time I noticed this was when my husband and I observed that since our conversion we knew of so many people who were considering adoption not only as a way to bless their own lives with a child, but as a way to help a child in need. Adoption of older children, adopting children when there were already multiple biological children in the family, adoption of children with special needs were all virtually unheard-of in my old secular circles, but not uncommon at all in my new religious circles.

For many months I was puzzled by this distinction. The people I knew in both social circles were "good people," but there was a level of serving others that I almost never saw among nonbelievers that I regularly saw among believers. Then, one day when I was thinking about that Wall Street Journal article, remembering what it was like to be a nonbeliever myself, I realized what it was:

Fear of life.

When I was an atheist and hung out with mostly atheists and agnostics, the way we helped people was through controlled circumstances, systems that ensured that there was a clear line separating their lives from our own. We wanted -- in fact, needed -- our interactions with others to be safe and finite, with clear parameters on what we were expected to give.

This mentality makes perfect sense: after all, our biggest problems in life often come from other people. The more you allow someone else into your life, the more there's the potential for them to screw it up. What if you adopt a child and they end up behaving badly and costing you tons of mental and financial distress? What if you mentor a troubled child and he ends up being a bad influence on your children? To use the example from that article, what if you're very poor yourself and you offer to help a couple who has just become childless but they end up latching onto you and taking too many of your resources?

It's too risky. The safest, most reasonable thing to do is to allow just enough people into your life so that you're not lonely, and to carefully guard the intermingling of any other lives with your own after that point.

Based on the way I have changed since my conversion, and observations after living in both heavily atheistic and heavily religious circles, I've come to believe that to live any other way is virtually impossible without God. To use a very small-scale example from my own life, when I first met the neighbor girls, even after I got over the anger about them ringing my doorbell, I was hesitant to let them into my life. I would peer out the window, see them meandering down the street with no place to go, and tell myself that I'd love to help but I just can't. I know they need love, but there's only so much love I have to give. Besides, what if they end up at my house all the time and I can't get them to leave? Too risky.

And I was right. I saw what everyone sees when they consider welcoming new life into their homes: on my own, there is only so much love I can give; there is so very little that I can offer to other people, and there are so many things that could go wrong.

But when you turn to God, you find that you have access to the very Source of infinite love, that, through him, you have more love to give than you could have ever imagined. And, as many believers can attest, you find that God blesses few things as much as he blesses the addition of new life to your own.

I believe that this is one of the reasons, as Jason Berger pointed out the other day, that willingness to accept all different sorts of life was one of the main things that made the early Christians stand out from their pagan neighbors. The fact is that, by default, we fear new life, especially "imperfect" life, and we fear it for good reason. On our own it's just too difficult to let other people wander into our lives under anything but the most tightly controlled circumstances.

From my own experience, I believe that some of the most compelling evidence of God's work in the world today is that, with few exceptions, it is only people who have faith in God who have overcome fear of life.

We have a book!

2009-06-09T17:10:00.003-05:00

This afternoon, listening to Gregorian chant on headphones in a futile attempt to drown out the sounds of my children bouncing off the walls with our babysitter and two of the girls in the next room, the baby wiggling happily in my lap, I typed the period on the last sentence of my book.

It's important to note that it's only a rough first draft; there's still a daunting amount of editing and revision to do before I send it to my agent, and after that there will undoubtedly be tons more work before he starts shopping it to publishers. But having a completed first draft is an exciting and important step!

For those of you who are interested in stats, it's fifteen chapters and 78,400 words (that's 210 pages in 12-point font), though that will probably change quite a bit by the time I'm done with revisions.

I'd like to raise a virtual glass of champagne to all of you, who have been a constant source of inspiration to me throughout the process, and for whom I'm writing the book in the first place. I really cannot tell you how much I appreciate your prayers and support.

Thank you!

When Less is More: Finding Inspiration in Severe Disability

2009-06-08T09:15:00.001-05:00

I recently became familiar with the story of Jason and Angie Berger, whose daughter Sunni (pronounced "Sunny") was born with a disorder causing her to be severely disabled. I was so touched by their story that I asked if I could do an interview with them. I hope that you find their answers as inspiring and thought-provoking as I have.

Q: Tell us a little bit about your daughter, Sunni.

She has Mitochondrial Disease, an energy disorder affecting her at a cellular level. She has stalled at less than one year of development, cognitively and physically. This means she is unable to sit up on her own or bring food or drink to her mouth. She is blind, diabetic, and suffers from seizures that are kept under control with medication.

She has no real means of communication, although we have learned to decipher her different cries or vocalizations. Until recently, she suffered from bouts of severe pain, as is common with other children having this disorder. We were in and out of the ER every two to four months trying to isolate a cause. It appears to be due mainly to general neurological pain and to gastrointestinal pain due to very slow "motility" (digestion) and frequent constipation. A local pain specialist has been able to help us reduce the intensity of these episodes.

On the other hand, she is a beautiful child with her angelic face and striking blue eyes. She often looks skyward in the pose of a medieval saint. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, she giggles and laughs with glee. It is pure, unadulterated joy!

Q: Give us a glimpse into your daily life. What are some of the challenges you face as a result of Sunni's medical condition?

We rely heavily on our Personal Care Attendant/Nanny, Melissa, who has been with us for over 4 years. She takes excellent care of both girls, along with Angie, who works three days per week. I work full time, but mostly from home, which allows me to take breaks to play with the kids and help Melissa from time to time.

Sunni requires continuous care, as she is unable to do even the most simple thing for herself. We constantly battle constipation, and keep a running "Sunni Poop Log." She is classified as a brittle diabetic with blood glucose ranging from 30 to 600+. We have a pump now so that helps. As Sunni grows older, it becomes more difficult to bring her along in every situation. She can cry or laugh and carry on very loudly, which can be very disruptive, depending on time and place. Frankly, we end up doing a lot of "tag team" parenting. This has the effect of separating us so that we can run errands without having to bring Sunni and all of her gear, or spend time with our other daughter, Ava, in situations where we can't leave her alone.

We have a volunteer one night each week who takes care of her while we spend special time with Ava. Sunni goes to school every day at one of the best school districts in the country for special ed. Not long ago, and today in some areas of the country, she would have been institutionalized, or at the least not be included in these programs, due to her low functional state. She receives various kinds of therapy and interaction with other kids. Although her actual interaction is limited, she just loves hearing the sounds of other kids playing. She has also become a distinct favorite among her teachers. We hope that this will plant seeds in their hearts as well.

Q: You mentioned in an email that you used to be staunchly pro-choice, but that after you had Sunni you became pro-life. Tell us about that process.

So dedicated to the pro-choice cause, that as a Senior in high school and freshman in college, I and a friend vandalized a "Choose Life" bill board out on the interstate that had been sponsored by the Knights of Columbus. We attacked the thing three times, as they kept putting it back up.

This attitude continued for years, despite growing more conservative politically. I was active in the local Republican Party and spoke out against the "abortion litmus test." Angie was liberal enough to have voted for Al Gore in 2000. Since that time, she has become much more conservative and active in local politics. The best way I can explain it is this: Our dear little girl is probably one of the best arguments for abortion available. She is completely dependent, with a low quality of life that represents a tremendous burden to her parents and society in general. We were fortunate to have received a small revelation of sorts. It became clear that she was a powerful witness to the beauty of life, and certainly didn't deserve to die. If she should not be aborted, then to argue for killing a beautiful, healthy child is a monstrosity.

When asked how he created such stunning works of art, a famous sculptor once said that he instills in his mind a clear image of the form and then removes everything that is not a part of it. In a way, God has shorn from Sunni nearly all of the adornments that would be considered part of a basic human life. She cannot act on her own, communicate, or possibly understand even simple concepts. She is left as a nearly pure example of human life without anything to distract us from its elegant beauty.

My wife and I both ended up converting to Catholicism. We could no longer stay in the Lutheran church, because they did not stand out against abortion. When you make the decision to leave the mainline Protestant churches behind, you are left with the two major, pro-life groups: Roman Catholic and Protestant Evangelical. I had been part of an Evangelical church (Assembly of God) in my youth, with the laying of hands, speaking of tongues, gifts of the Spirit, etc. It has become clear to us that the "born again" churches can offer no guarantee that they will not drift in the same direction as the mainline Protestants. I honestly don't know what they will believe in another 20-30 years. There is no authority or hierarchy that is empowered to conserve the truth.

Another thing that attracted me to the Catholic Church was the rigor of its thinking. Writers like G.K. Chesterton and Fr. John Neuhaus really helped me along the road. Catholics aren't simply submitting themselves to an all powerful, out of touch Pope with a list of antiquated rules. There are not only highly developed reasons for everything they believe, but they fit together into this seamless garment. I'll have to admit that my view of Catholics wasn't very high to begin with.

Q: There is an argument out there that sometimes abortion is the best thing to do for unborn children who are diagnosed with serious physical disabilities, on the grounds that it would save them suffering. What would you say to that?

In objective terms, yes, it would save a great deal of suffering for us as well as her. Had she been born healthy, there is much we would not have learned. Some of what it has revealed has been awesome, some of it ugly. Regardless, this suffering is redemptive.

It has already lead us to the Catholic Church, the one institution that would reliably fight for her right to life. Sunni, and the way we care for her, is a witness to others. I sense in people a revulsion to seeing a person, especially a child in so damaged a condition. That is a natural reaction, and one that most labor hard to conceal. But it is important to Angie and I that Sunni be seen by others and that we be seen caring for her and enjoying our lives despite the sadness that it can bring.

Q: Unfortunately, our society might look at your daughter and say that she's a "burden." Some people might even imagine that your lives are worse for having had her. What would you say to that?

In objective terms, she certainly is a burden, emotionally, physically, financially and so forth. In subjective terms, she is our beautiful child and this is a burden we will carry for as long as we are able.

We are very grateful for the medical assistance, special ed, and other programs we may qualify for in the future. It has opened our eyes to the generosity of our culture. I think our lives would have been easier, and probably more shallow in some ways. I suppose we would have gone on to suffer other hardships, but they may not have brought us closer to God or caused us to ask the questions that we have.

Q: What would you say to any parents out there who have recently received a grave medical diagnosis for their child and are feeling scared about what the future might hold?

That this child will bring you closer to the mystery of life; that he or she can bring to you a deeper joy. If they were Christian, I would point out that this regard for human life, even damaged or limited, is what set early Christians apart from the pagans that came before them. In the more enlightened parts of the world, children like Sunni may be aborted or simply allowed to die in the hospital.

Q: Would you choose to have a child like Sunni?

I have a hard time answering this truthfully.

You may remember when Christopher Reeve became paralyzed, and word came out from his publicist within the matter of a couple weeks that said, basically, that this crippling incident was a great gift, that it taught him so much, and that he looked forward to whatever the future had to hold. I was skeptical when I heard this. Just once, you'd like to hear someone say, "This is obviously the worst thing that I could have imagined, I'm angry at God, and I wish I were dead." That's something we can all empathize with.

Hopefully, I'll come to feel, deep down, the same way that I've been writing about it. No, I'd never willingly subject myself, my wife, or other child to the hardships that we've seen. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But it happened, there's a reason it happened, and our job now is to do the best we can to live it out and let it be a blessing to our family and others.

I want to thank the Berger family again for sharing their thoughts with us. I pray that their story will be a blessing to others, and please keep them in your prayers as well.

EWTN / Sacred Heart Radio interview tomorrow

2009-06-07T18:53:00.007-05:00

I'll be chatting with the folks at the SonRise Morning Show at 8:20 AM Eastern tomorrow (Monday) morning. The interview will air on the EWTN Radio Network and Sacred Heart Radio. You can click either of those links to listen online as well. I'll be talking about one of my favorite subjects: books!

UPDATE: The list of books I was talking about is posted here. Thanks again to the folks at SonRise for having me on the show!

UPDATE #2: Since that link isn't working for some readers, here's the list:

7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 36)

2009-06-05T00:00:00.011-05:00

--- 1 ---

Voting has begun for the Catholic New Media Awards!

If you'd like to vote, click here to create an account (the only info they ask for is a valid email address, presumably so that certain unscrupulous bloggers -- cough-cough -- don't sit around repeatedly voting for themselves all day). Then you can click here to vote. If you're not familiar with some of the categories, it's OK to leave them blank.

--- 2 ---

Occasionally I'm asked where I get the photos I use on my blog. Usually I go to the advanced search page on Flickr, check the box at the very bottom that says "Only search within Creative Commons-licensed content," and then search for pictures that might fit my post. I then make sure to give the photographer credit at the bottom of my post. (Before using it I also click the link that says "Some rights reserved" on the bottom right to make sure I know the conditions of its use.)

I'm sure that there are other ways to get pictures that I'm not aware of. For those of you who have blogs: Where do you get pictures for your blog?

--- 3 ---

In response to my last post, a couple people asked if anything like that has ever happened to me. The answer? All the time. Here's how it usually goes:

I go out with my four kids under age five.
Someone makes a comment about how many kids I have.
I say that my husband and I both converted to Catholicism, and make a joke that that's what happens when you become Catholic. (I know, I know, I should throw in something about the effectiveness of NFP and make it clear that it is not Catholic teaching that you have to have a big family. Still working on that part.)
They ask what my religion was before I converted.
I say I was an atheist.
They seem sincerely interested and ask why I converted.

Nine times out of ten, when someone comments on my children, that is exactly how the conversation plays out. Hence the helpfulness of having a good "elevator pitch" ready, since these conversations often come up in line at the grocery store, out at the park, with nurses in doctors' offices, etc. where there's not a lot of time to go into detail. Although I once ended up in a 45-minute discussion with two bank tellers who had both lost their faith and were bombarding me with tons of questions about reasons to believe.

--- 4 ---

Internet, I need your help: My lips are killing me. They're flaky, dry and cracked. Sometimes it actually hurts to smile. I've never dealt with this before. Other than temporary remedies like moisturizers, is there any way to get rid of this?

--- 5 ---

Last weekend was the big premier of my friend's community theater play that I mentioned in #5 here. It was a great success! Over 200 people turned out, everyone bringing picnic blankets and food to watch a 45-minute production of Jack and the Beanstalk. I really think she's on to something with this idea.

--- 6 ---

On Tuesday night my husband and I went to see a talk by Mother Antonia, a nun who lives in a cell in one of Mexico's most notorious maximum-security prisons and ministers to the prisoners, particularly those who are dying. She's the subject of the book Prison Angel, which I've been wanting to read for a long time (which gets some amazing reviews on Amazon).

I plan to do a post detailing more thoughts on her talk and her mission, but one thing she said has stayed with me ever since I heard it. She was imploring us to show mercy to others as our Father is merciful to us and, in particular, to make sure never to gossip. The quote that has stayed with me is:

"Remember that every single word you say to someone will either curse them or bless them."

I've been thinking about that all week.

--- 7 ---

I've finally started reading The God Delusion after being asked about it by readers many times. I was going to do a post on it, but realized that it's such a long, dense book that to cover every topic would require writing a whole separate book (as quite a few people have done, with books like Greater Than You Think). Since I don't have time to write a book-length response, I was thinking about doing a series of informal posts where I just write up my rough notes with musings on each chapter.

Would anyone be interested in that?

------------------

UPDATE: It looks like the Mr. Linky list isn't showing up for some people. I've submitted a help request! Sorry about that!

1. Peace Garden Mama
2. Blair's Blessings
3. Christi @ The Journey
4. puella
5. Venite
6. Mozi Esme
7. Renee @ End of Nihilism
8. Jennifer @ Here I Stand
9. Debbie
10. Laura
11. Tess
12. Tami @ The Next Step
13. Happy Geek
14. Trena @ The Third Prayer
15. Cath
16. Charlotte
17. Marianne @ Minding Our Manners
18. Charlotte @GTH
19. el-e-e
20. Pharmgirl @ Adventures in Pharm Land
21. entropy
22. Heather of the EO
23. Tina @ Multiple Mom T
24. Amanda
25. Hannah Tuimala (Stubborn Fish Tales)

26. Nicole @ As Many As We're Given
27. Elena
28. Sarah @ This Heavenly Life
29. Christina@Mrs. Broccoli Guy
30. MrsDarwin
31. Rebecca
32. Kaycee@in the moment
33. WeaverMom
34. Milehimama (Mama Says)
35. Lenae
36. Joy @ joy in the morning
37. Renee @ crazyacres
38. Hannah @ Mulberry Spot
39. Laura@Life,Faith,Home,School
40. Erin @ Light of My Life
41. Maria D. (First Time!)
42. Kim @ Party of 7
43. Katharine@10minutewriter
44. Amanda @ The Mom Job
45. Annemarie
46. Mrs. B
47. NCSue
48. Jordana @ Curmudgeonry
49. Sara @ A Shower of Roses
50. The Someday House

51. Elise@Anything Goes
52. Betty Duffy
53. Enbrethiliel
54. TraderTif
55. Amy Jane (UntanglingTales)
56. Amy Jane (Family News)
57. Elena@My Domestic Church (pregnancy resources)
58. Em. @Gratitude. Simplicity. Frugality.
59. IngridAiram
60. Tonggu Momma
61. Katherine @ The Domestic Church
62. Mary
63. Deedee
64. Laughing Lioness
65. Donya
66. Emily
67. Rebecca @ The Momologue
68. Stephanie @ Ready, Set, 40!
69. Sheila@So... Now What?
70. the luxurious life of anna
71. Catherine @ To Mark Time
72. Catherine @ Adventures In Domesticity
73. Heather in Madrid
74. Gill-Life of a Photographer
75. Alyssa/LittleMaryBT

Camera photo by Arwen Twinkle

What's your elevator pitch?

2009-06-03T11:29:00.006-05:00

Yaya is here this week, giving me lots of time to do some much-needed catching up on my to-do list, so instead of writing a post I'm going to let you guys do all the work again...

OK, Christian readers. Here's a scenario for you:

You and a young man, perhaps in his early 20's, step into an elevator at the same time. You're both going to the tenth floor. He notices something that indicates that you're a Christian (maybe you're wearing a cross necklace, or he saw a bumper sticker for your church on your car outside, etc.)

"I don't believe in God or anything like that, but you seem like a reasonable enough person," he says as the doors close. "I'd be interested to know: why are you a Christian?"

You have about 40 seconds to answer. What do you say?

photo by mezzoblue

Talk to me about fasting

2009-06-01T19:00:00.001-05:00

For quite a while now I've felt called to make fasting a more regular part of my prayer life, but I don't feel like I understand it. I'm planning on doing some reading on the subject, but I thought I'd bring it up here in case it's helpful to anyone else.

I've had a surprising amount of difficulty articulating what it is that I don't understand about this subject, so here are some thoughts and questions off the top of my head:

The Bible frequently mentions fasting, and holy people throughout the ages have touted its importance and effectiveness. Why is it important, why does it go hand-in-hand with prayer, and what is it about it that brings us closer to God?
What is the most important aspect of fasting: exercise of willpower to abstain from food or actually experiencing hunger? I ask because I've sometimes thought of the practice of just giving up a certain type of food as an inferior type of fasting (e.g. giving up chocolate as a fast instead of skipping a meal). But if it's more about practicing detachment from food, I could see that giving up anything could be beneficial.
As I've chronicled here, I have a tendency toward gluttony. I worry that if I were to drastically reduce the amount of food I eat at one meal, I'd "undo" any spiritual benefits I gained from that fast by shoveling food into my mouth with reckless abandon at the next meal. Or is that not too bad (e.g. Easter feasting after Lenten fasting)? What am I missing?
I know that I am missing some base-level understanding of the role of food in a person's physical and spiritual life, probably because I've always lived in middle-class America where we see food like drops of water in the ocean: something of which there is infinite quantity that is always available. (I wrote about this more when I talked about praying before meals, cluing in that less food for me means more food for others, and an ah-hah moment when I was making a store list.) As the product of a culture where it's easy to feel ungrateful for even the most lavish spreads of food, I feel like I'm missing even more than I realize when it comes to the importance of fasting. Any thoughts?
What books would you recommend for someone wanting to learn more about this subject?

This is one of those subjects where I know I don't get it but I'm not sure what I'm missing. I'd love to hear any thoughts on some or all of the above topics!

UPDATE: Just wanted to assure everyone that I will proceed with great caution as long as I'm in this phase of life. At this point I'm mainly just trying to understand fasting as a concept to give me a foundation for thinking about what (if any) toned-down practices I might be able to incorporate at some point.

photo by jspatchwork

The seven words that give hope in the face of suffering

2009-06-01T10:24:00.008-05:00

This post was originally published on November 28, 2007.

Yesterday I was catching up on some blog reading and came across a blogger who did a post in remembrance of Holodomor, the great Ukrainian famine of 1932-33. For her post she translated the writings of some Ukrainian bloggers who wrote on the topic.

I wasn't prepared for what I read. First of all, I am ashamed to admit that I was not that familiar with Holodomor. I had some awareness that many people in that area of the world died of hunger around that time, but that was the extent of my knowledge. But to find out the details, and to read those stories recounted by the bloggers whose grandparents lived through it, was just shattering. I'll save you from an excerpt containing any of the more disturbing details and just offer this thought from one Ukrainian:

Old men and women spoke calmly about [raskulachivaniye - persecution of kulaks, collectivization], about the war, about DneproGES [Dnipro Hydroelectric Station] construction. No big deal, they were saying, it was tough, but it was a long time ago, and tears and grief tend to get erased from memory.

But as soon as you asked them a question about the Holodomor of 1932-33, these ancient men and women, who had seen lots of horrors, began to cry. Just cry. Some refused to talk - they had no energy to tell anything about it.

Of course Holodomor is not by any means the only large-scale tragedy to have happened to civilization -- many more occurred even in the same century. Maybe it was that I never heard much about this in history classes, that we live in a world where even a tragedy of that scale could get lost in the mix of all the other terrible things that happened in those years; maybe it was the personal tales that put a "face" to the suffering; maybe it was that quite a few of the stories involved parents mistreating their own children; or maybe it was the fact that the entire situation, this mass starvation of millions of people, was caused and perpetuated by a government. It was probably all of the above. But, whatever it was that jolted me out of my detached mode of reading words about historical events and into the mode of a mother, a daughter, a fellow human being whose heart ached terribly for the men, women, children and babies who faced such unimaginable suffering and evil...it left me in a sort of spiritual paralysis.

Since becoming a Christian I've read and prayed and thought a lot about suffering, so I tried to analyze the situation based on the knowledge I've gained from reading the great Christian scholars and their works on the subject. But it wasn't working. Just as I would begin to recall what C.S. Lewis or St. Augustine had to say about it, the thought of all the children who lived during Holodomor would come to mind, which would remind me that the Holocaust happened just shortly after that, which would remind me of all the stories my dad told about his friends who died terrible deaths in Vietnam, which would remind me of the current AIDS crisis in Africa...it was too much to think about. I thought about praying for the people involved but couldn't even really do that because bringing any of these topics to mind just overwhelmed me with sorrow. I have little kids to take care of, and thinking about this was making me feel so down that it was impacting my ability to function, so I decided to just forget about it for now.

I tried to, anyway. It didn't really work. Shutting all of these horrors out of my mind, not even spending much time praying for the people involved because that would mean thinking about it, did not feel like the right response, especially as a Christian.

Last night, as I knelt beside my bed to pray, I asked God to show me what to do. I knew that putting my head in the sand was not the right response, but I just couldn't think clearly enough to know how to even begin to pray about suffering at this kind of catastrophic level, to understand how we as Christians are supposed to have even a shred of hope in the face of such tremendous evil.

This angst was still with me in the back of my mind when I went to pick my husband's car up from the mechanic's shop this afternoon. As soon as I turned the key in the ignition, I heard a voice say:

You must keep your eyes on the risen Christ at all times, or life will seem to be just a bitter joke.

It was one of my great heroes, Fr. Benedict Groeschel, introducing one of the Glorious Mysteries over the sound of a mournful yet hopeful violin piece. Unbeknownst to me, my husband must have borrowed my favorite rosary CD and left it in his car. I've listened to it, this introduction to the Glorious Mysteries in particular, so many times; yet it was like hearing it for the first time today. I started it from the beginning, and wiped tears from my eyes as I heard:

No rosary, no meditation on the life of Christ, is complete, or even makes sense, without pausing to think about and to pray about the events that took place beginning early Easter morning. The glorious Resurrection and the absolute triumph of Christ makes all of these events comprehensible, livable, for those who are still walking in the valley of tears.

You must keep your eyes on the risen Christ at all times, or life will seem to be just a bitter joke.

In the Glorious Mysteries we have not only Christ's victories in this world, but the coming of the Holy Spirit, and the promise of eternal life. The Christian life only makes sense when we keep before us the glorious and eternal mystery that we celebrate at the end of the rosary.

Yes. Of course.

I believe that hearing that line as soon as I started the car was God's answer to the question I posed in prayer. Whether or not it was a direct response to my prayer, it is certainly the answer to the question.

I came to believe not too long ago that Jesus probably did rise from the dead like the Christians claim; and now that I have lived as a Christian myself, and seen God's work in my own life as well as the lives of those around me, I am certain it is true. And that's really all that matters. In the face of suffering in our fallen world, it's not even necessary to do too much complicated theological analysis, because the only important question is this: Did the crucified Christ rise from the dead? Did the Resurrection happen? Because, if it did, then we know that there is eternal life, and that all the terrible events of this finite world will be but a blip in comparison to an eternity with God. We know that the epic saga of human history has a happy ending.

I realize I'm talking about concepts here that most Christians probably mastered sometime around the third grade. But I thought I'd share anyway since this disarmingly simple truth has shown me how I can think about, pray about, and hopefully one day actively help those who experience great suffering, without succumbing to despair in the process:

I don't need to analyze it or even fully understand all of the how's and why's behind all that is wrong with the world. I don't need to sift through all the words in the weighty tomes about religion and human suffering. I need to remember only those seven words that mark the turning point of all of history and shine a floodlight of hope into the darkness of our fallen world: "He is not here; he has risen."

photo by Untitled blue