Milestones to death through a label-less life

A new start

2009-01-13T03:28:00.003+05:30

Hangovers, hedonism & a little happiness

http://manveergrewal.wordpress.com/

I feel like I am at a point in life, where I have concluded an exciting journey of self-discovery & adventure. Its been about a lot of things, people, emotions, phases, successes, experiments, and lessons. I have emerged stronger, no doubt, but I have also emerged different.

To celebrate the difference, and the freshness of my existence I feel right now, I am making a virtual change, a shift which I believe will be more relevant and exciting!

See you there!

Make this go on forever

2008-12-14T23:58:00.002+05:30

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can (and have) only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could...

...And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

Make this go on forever...
this, these days, these people, this feeling, this time and you & I,
this, and everything.

the one

2008-12-13T23:45:00.005+05:30

One, you are like a dream come true,
Two, I wanna be with you,
Three..
...err...

Okay, lets try again

Hey, I love you!

Not in the I-want-you-right-now & I-am-dying-for-you way (maybe that too, but better not go there)

I love you for who you are, for being the way you are, for saying the things you say, the jokes you make and the smile, oh, the smile!

Seeing you happy is sometimes (and some days) the only purpose of my life, seeing you get what you want is what I think about, and seeing you talk - just talk, holds my attention more than anything else that I know.

I read your horoscope before I read mine, I like a song just because you like it, I am always talking to you in my head, I do everything that I do, because of you. (I know I sound insane!)

But your existence (ummm) is the most incredible thing in my life right now. I am glad just to know you exist, and I have had the chance to get to meet you, know you, love you.

I have loved before, and I am sure, I will love again, but this is just for you to know that you are truly amazing. Its everything about you that makes you a great person, a nice, loving, lovable, and unique person. My day brightens up just thinking about you, because you are the hope, the sign, the reason I believe that people can be good, and that life can be good.

You make me feel less cold (which is good for my friends!); you make me realize I can place someone else above myself, even if just for a while; you make me face my weaknesses which I would not take from anyone else.

I love you, and I will keep loving you and maybe thats all I will ever have of you, my love for you, but its important, you are important.

Have a great life, I know you will, because you deserve it more than anyone else I know. And I hope I keep featuring in it.

PS I apologize, okay, I don't actually apologize for sounding like a smitten teenager (Thanks Harveen) but I am sounding like a smitten teenager haha

PSS Just to make myself feel a little better, I must say this: Its not about YOU, Its only about ME, and LOVE. So don't feel too good, if you ever do find out that its YOU! Please :)

Being LCP

2008-12-13T02:11:00.003+05:30

With 18 days to go before I am back to square one, looking at defining my purpose and direction, here is to the most amazing, aware & memorable year of my life, the year of being LCP -

I walk a lonely road,
with belief & passion in myself

I bear my scars as badges of success
& a reminder of failures

I only envision greatness
& I understand what it takes to reach it

I aspire to achieve beyond
what has ever been done before

I get to experience situations
make decisions
& face challenges
that people only talk about

I don’t quit
I don’t back down
I am never not there
I never have the option to be ordinary

I am the face of my local committee
I represent its hopes, aspirations & values
And I what I am because of those who chose to walk along with me

I live each day the way its meant to be lived
With each cell alive & aware of its potential

I am an LCP
And it means the world to me

Belief & contradictions

2008-11-12T19:30:00.002+05:30

Brrista 35, Chandigarh

I try to believe that contradictions don't exist & I know that they don't. But in times you are practically a walking & living paradox, you begin to look at possibilities of existing in more dimensions than you know. I love and hate the same person, I fell proud & scared, I believe & I don't actually care.

--

Few hours later:
What if despite every ounce of self-doubt and self-discrimination (coined by a friend for me!) - its working!

2008-11-10T00:53:00.001+05:30

we are all sad little pathetic creatures seeking attention

Thinking aloud

2008-10-29T07:25:00.002+05:30

Let me define a good life - money, and people whom you can actually talk to/with for hours without effort. I don't mean to be shallow, infact having mentioned people in definition is an emotional achievement in itself. I do know though that I may be too guilty of being immensely impressionable - may it be Ayn Rand, a movie or a song. Some may describe it as kidish and some as weak, but at 22 I know what exactly I am thinking, only, some other people put it into words & thoughts & film much before me. And they may come across as contradictory sometimes, they are not because contradictions don't exist (Ayn Rand again).

P.S. Somewhat at peace wit the emotional turmoil, calm & patient, capable & efficient, sleepy & hungry, yours truly!

clarity reality

2008-10-27T06:03:00.002+05:30

I wish to spill the beans - I wish to write about all that I know, all that happens, because its the only way you will know how I feel or how I want to feel.

The inspiration now is the love that I know. It terrible sometimes, but inspiring. But its also new and weird. Before, I was on my own, still am, but feels different. Capabilities, skills and efficiency are so worthless without direction. I have mine now, again. I am not supposed to be sure, and I am not - believe me, but I have something, it'll work, I know.

The description of my desires, aspirations, fears, flaws, strengths, wishes, disappointments, passion and love would be, however, incomplete if you are not whom I want you to be.

Its dawn time - it is seductive, this morning sky, it makes you believe in life being bigger than the sky. In real life, however, you know, its all dots, maybe, no actually, definitely, somewhere up there it all makes sense, life is beautiful and funny, when you move higher, see the bigger picture, its not just dots, its people, and situations, and love, and laughter.
--
I absolutely adore the new recruits of the batch of August 2008. Everytime, they make things better, they make having done this worthwhile, having decided to spend another year here and see this LC evolve. I have met and admired and loathed and been indifferent to and secretly idolized many people in this organization, some of whom I still do. But this group is special, they are on the onset of an experience of a lifetime and they remind me of myself - three years ago.
--
Driving around Chandigarh at night is CLARITY. Mark my words.
--
Food and fancy are not equated in my world. Paneer, Pasta & Pizza pretty much sum it all up here.
--
I love my job (read 'what I do'), and then sometimes I dislike somethings about my job, even then I love it. It will end, but knowing that I loved it won't. I failed, then I didn't, and finally it didn't count for anyone but me.
--
I hide pain well.
--
This year, was the year I learnt I am nothing - nothing more than my set of perceptions about who I am. And I am still capable beyond measure, in a modest-just-like-you way :-)
--
Its aching with passion, pain and pride.
--
I know funny stuff. I carry around a sense of humour - essential tool when you get thrown into this 'framework' with what I got. But if you must know:
a) Saying 'be there or be there!' doesn't always make people 'be there'.
b) Dinosaurs don't exist anymore, atleast not when you really need them to come and gulp you up in those awkward why-am--i-here situations.
c) Sulking doesn't make other people realize they have been stupid, and in the end you're the only one being stupid
d) Laziness is a disease, so is ADD (attention deficiency disorder), both can be caused by TV
e) Not everything is funny
f) This will be another post...
--
Would you believe me if I said I have it all figured out? Its ridiculous because its not in the now, its ahead, maybe a few more years! But there! Living the illusion, with confidence, is reality waiting to happen(?)
--
And then I am reminded on the 2 am drive:

Tu dhoop hain jham se bikhar
Tu hai nadee o bekhabar
Beh chal kahin ud chal kahin
Dil khush jahan teri toh manzil hai wahin

Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself

2008-10-24T04:47:00.002+05:30

Those words are inscribed above the entrance to the temple of Apollo at Delphi in Greece.

I don't know what to make of them, infact, I didn't know what to make of them until I read this & in many ways got answers to questions I didn't know how to ask:

"Nobody can tell you who you are. It would be just another concept, so it would not change you. Who you are requires no belief. Infact, every belief is an obstacle. It does not even require your realization, since you already are who you are."
- Eckhart Tolle, Author, A New Earth

Anything but ordinary

2008-10-15T02:46:00.003+05:30

Whose eyes am I behind, I don’t recognize anything that I see, Whose skin is this design, I don’t want this to be the way that you see me. I don’t understand anything anymore, In this world that I’m tired of, Is taking me right up these walls, That I climb up, To get to your story, It’s anything but ordinary And when the world is on its knees with me its fine, And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind, Everybody seems to be getting what they need with mine, ‘Cause your what I need so very but i 'm anything but ordinary Can you save me from this world of mine, Before I get myself arrested with this expectation, You are the one look what you’ve done, What have you done? This is not some kind of joke, You’re just a kid,You weren’t ready for what you did And when the world is on its knees with me its fine, And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time, Everybody seems to be getting what they need with mine, ‘Cause you what I need so very but i 'm anything but ordinary I think im trying to save the world from you, You’ve been saving me too, We could just stay in and save each other I 'm anything but ordinary, I 'm anything but ordinary

Now you know how I feel, that's really the objective of this space, isn't it? The good part is, even I know how I feel.

2008-10-11T04:27:00.001+05:30

What is this? WHAT IS THIS?

2008-09-25T00:47:00.002+05:30

It would be wrong to say that I have parted ways with reason, because I doubt we were ever together - reason & I. By reason I refer to rationality of my decisions & actions & emotions. That doesn't however mean that I did not have reason(s) to do what I did all throughout life till now, I did - I am just not very sure if they were/are as valid as they should be.

But then, in retrospect & thought, everybody could question this for their life. Also the good side of having made great decisions & choices - reason or no reason - certainly no regret!

Ultimately, what I want to talk about is today. A fay from the 'what am I doing' phase. Or more appropriately put the 'transit phase' or just one of those 'everything matter but nothing matters' or 'nothing new but routine - too monotonous' kind of a phase. I know all this may not actually explain a lot!

Twenty-two

2008-09-18T17:00:00.000+05:30

2008-09-03T01:17:00.001+05:30

Its either pain or the pleasure of being strong enough to bear it that keeps me going. I realized yesterday that it could fall apart any time in a second, or it could take years, gradually deteriorating my sense of who I want to be, of who I could be.

But I am here, and I wake up everyday, and I do my best. And I will continue to do so because its all leading the one thing - back and forth - to the now - to the way life needs to be lived!

2008-09-01T03:06:00.002+05:30

my head feels heavy and weird like all emotions are liquid and they are trying to find a way out but are as of now contained in my head

a want

2008-09-01T00:46:00.000+05:30

I want to be able to sit across someone & be saying this than writing it down, because then perhaps I wouldn't even have to use words for pain, love, confusion, passion & sadness & hope - as these are emotions easily displayed across a room. But I don't have that option right now and I want it.

To do is to live

2008-08-28T04:42:00.003+05:30

What a day, what a night, what a life! I am sitting here and trying to understand that how can you be going crazy and be in control at the same time? Or more interestingly - how being in control can make you go so crazy? When the 'new time' flies by and as Lucifer puts it "Before you know it, you've spent it. Before you know it, its gone". (yes, there existed an 'Old Time' - no its not change of lifestyle, the seconds actually used to be slower, and easier, really).

You know how when you are young (yes a month short of 22 is still young), you can really give things all you've got and see yourself doing great and experience making terrible mistakes, both with utmost passion. Generally, its a part of the learning package, but in each moment, in each action, in each person you know, you look for that conformation of having done alright.

Results make you happy, praise makes you happy, being better than you were makes you happy, and then sometimes, just the fact that you have something much bigger than yourself to keep trying to fit yourself into by doing and doing and doing more, and being more makes you happy, even if its no-one else but you who knows what it takes.

Words are such hidden weapons of destruction, seduction, inspiration and helplessness. They are there to be used the manner you want to. And then sometimes you wonder if they even mean as much as you are made to feel. Because, they come with predispositions of vocabulary, experience, previous understanding and your opinion of the speaker. So, ultimately its you, leading yourself, not others, they lead themselves to follow you, and you must follow yourself too, to the ends of the world, atleast then you would be with yourself and would have still helped many from point A to B.

P.S. And accept the mystery of why we are here, the only possible answer is I DON'T KNOW and the only possible solution to life is to follow your dreams and have the courage to take the steps needed to achieve them. Simple and true, like emotion, like death, like life.

Reading

2008-08-27T05:43:00.000+05:30

Brida: Paulo Coelho
The love struck, soulmate seeking side

Blink: Malcolm Gladwell
The one to do with people, the ultimate mystery, the psychologist/leader need

I, Lucifer: Glen Duncan
The 'I' balancing the both above, the Devil inside, the Human life

Some

2008-08-25T22:05:00.003+05:30

I, Manveer, Disguised as Human, Prince of Night, Bringer of the day, Ruler of my own, Lord of the Life, Father of hope, Tempter of the lost, Old Soul, Hero of my own story, Accuser, Criticizer, Leader, Follower, Wanderer, and without doubt Best at doing what he claims not to in the seen and the unseen universe, have decided to tell all.

All? Some.

Wouldn't you want that, you little ignorant punk. But it can be boring to know everything. Ask God.

Showtime

2008-08-23T05:13:00.003+05:30

And then it happened! More than 50 new recruits walked in - and we continued to hop (literally) to the tunes (Rock DJ) while some of the city's best youth filled the hall.

And I remember thinking to myself - WOW! That's a lot of people! We did it, yet again! And its show-time.

The old and the new - AIESEC Chandigarh

The moment I stood in front in of the new and expanded General Body of AIESEC Chandigarh, I knew how I represented something much beyond myself as a person, and no, that didn't make me nervous (long gone are those days), it simply felt great - grand - it felt like home! And how I had to wait for the crazy senior members to finally keep quiet (they were out of control - and for once I didn't mind, haha) to start talking! I remember the day when I was sitting at the other end, and its for that I knew how this was the first day of their new life.

My team :)

Now I am just eagerly looking forward to NLDS (happening at Silvassa, the same place I went for my first AIESEC Conference three years ago, I am, yet again, going back to the start)

With things bigger than the sky forming life as such, this is once day which I waited for three years, and it was what some may even describe as an out of body experience. Imagine!

three years of change

2008-08-23T03:15:00.002+05:30

this is so different. for some reason it happens today, actually it makes perfect sense for it to.
today i realize what has been happening for three years, three years that have fought against 18 years of upbringing and everything else that came with it

i joined AIESEC exactly three years from today. i knew i felt like celebrating, but nobody around seems to share the jubilation, they are either people who have been there or are far from being there, thus understandably so, i am alone in this festival

but that goes beyond the point, because today i looked back in my loneliness at the past three years! and what an incredibly over-whelming feeling that is. the people, the places, the experiences, they are shining out, they are calling for attention, they make me see the Manveer that was - younger, a little more smart, a little less mature, a little more happy, a little less stressed, but beyond everything, a Manveer constantly changing, because everything around always was

today, i realize i have the ability to get immensely passionate about someone or something. today i realize i have loved each moment of the past three years, today i realize i must thank the people, and keep in touch with them - for they were a part of the times that make who i am today, today i realize i have changed with time, and much more in the past three years than i had in my entire life before, today i realize i can and have experienced emotions i never knew possible.

i am here today, a lot more confident, very much sure, a lot more brave, with experiences of courage i discovered, looking ahead with much more hope, and the ability to deal with change, with knowledge that people do matter, and who i am now, will only get better and stronger, but will never forget to look back and rejoice for what life can be.

2008-08-22T02:28:00.002+05:30

Haven't figured out who you are and what you want?
Try being who you know you want to be. Works better.

2008-08-20T01:38:00.002+05:30

What do I want?
To know what I want? Good start.

What do I have?
More than I could ask for right now? Possibly.

Where am I headed?
Somewhere better? Definitely.

Am I in love?
When was the last time I answered that correctly? Note to self: Finish reading that book.
Its painfully liberating each time, and this one?

Am I capable?
Yes or No? I feel both time and again. Yes: Courage; No: ?

Am I alive?
Does insensitive mean dead? Does balance mean stillness? Does emotion mean vulnerable? Does wait mean eternity? Tell me.

I am in control till I am on control. I feel invincible. Except hope of life not being about that.

2008-08-20T01:25:00.004+05:30

13, May 2008 1:22 am

I know I can be what I want to be. The knowledge that I always have a choice is very much there, but yet I find myself falling prey every now and then to the mind-led existence which means I either exist in the past or the future. I am twenty-one, it makes me feel capable and guilty at the same time because I am letting it all go - day after fay. At the same time, living with the tendency to undermine the amount of time I actually do spend in the moment - being nothing but myself - doing things I enjoy - things that make a difference - being LCP or just being good person by own standards. But there is so much more, there has to be?

When I think of possibilities, it either makes me want to do more, or not do anything at all. If I know that I ultimately just want to be on my own, far away, then what I waiting for? And do I really know?

A dicey aspect in life are people - the ones around you, ones you know through them, ones on the TV, etc. People are fascinating, interesting, funny, irritating and boring. There are very few people I admit actually liking (that included myself till some time ago). Infact I would normally be more heard mentioning whom I don't like. The problem however, is that my statements are taken much more seriously by others than me myself. I think I learnt long time back that judging people continuously doesn't serve you well in the long run but not judging them at all is a short term disaster. So I drew my own conclusions about different types of judging/concluding that I shouldn't let affect my behaviour towards different people. Thus, developed a habit of not even taking others too seriously, which I have noticed can go across as ignoring or disliking!

But thats that. I live and I learn!

Mixed emotions

2008-08-18T02:00:00.002+05:30

.. a cliche that I can easily use for my present condition. I have different tracks running in my mind right now each bringing to the table a particular emotions, but all of them just manage to only create a small tingling feeling, and on the surface they all merge, no more different or mixed, together providing a kind of unreal and excited state of serenity based on nothing but existence.