Descansos.org :: A Tribute of Love

Helping Him Cry

2008-12-17T10:44:00.005-05:00

I have always been uncertain what to say to console someone who has lost a loved one. What can I say - what can I do that would actually make a difference for them?

I can't say that I know what they are going thru - because I really don't know. I feel saying "I'm sorry about your loss" seems insufficient. I am truly sorry, but what difference does that really make for them.

Words sometimes feel so inadequate - they can't convey true feelings. But I feel that something must be done to let them know I'm there for them.

Well let me share this story to see if this makes a difference for you - it did for me: (UPDATE: I replaced the previous story - which I received in an email - with this one that has a quotable source.)

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Nothing ... I just helped him cry."

Just listened & help him cry. Sometimes this is all we need to do. "Doing" is the easy way. Sure we can "do" something to make them feel better, but it is more difficult to decide to just "be with" that person.

Words or actions are not required to touch the heart.

A Simple Though Can Change The World

2008-12-10T15:02:00.005-05:00

It's amazing how a simple phrase can change my day, my life AND my world.

"I think, therefore I am"
- Rene Descartes

Lately the circumstance of the world is what everybody is talking about. The financial crisis is affecting millions, including me. What everybody is dwelling on is the fear of the unknown.

But what I learned from this simple quote is that - what I am thinking is what I am creating as my reality. Allowing the negativity of the news and others is what I have been creating for me.

So no wonder I have been feeling - blah!

No I am not suggesting to make believe that the world is great & rosy. No don't make believe that nothing is going on & that the grief will disappear. What I am suggesting is that the negativity of what is going on is - optional. I don't have to choose it!

So this is what I've been pissed at: A few months age, the state of Florida removed all 'unauthorized' roadside memorials from the side of state highways. They put up warnings and when the period expired, they removed every flower, every teddy bear, every cross and decoration to be found. The only thing left was the 'authorized' generic lollipop 'drive safely' symbol that the state puts up. I was pissed & saying to myself "why would the state be so heartless?"

So I got stuck in that for about a month or two. I was mad, upset & pissed that there would not be anymore 'interesting' memorials to photograph. You've seen one lollipop - you've seen them all. What made them interesting, for me at least, was the personality that each family expressed of themselves. The choice in pieces to place. Some people put teddy bears, other put beer bottles. Anything that expressed who the person was for that family.

One family kept a different bottle of Arizona Ice Tea on a monthly rotation. Some families put plastic flowers that got replaced when faded, while others put real flowers. A new colorful bloom every week.

I waited for the news reports of pissed off families, upset that the state would do such a thing. To my surprise - nothing!

"What nobody is pissed at this!?" Then what I saw next caught me by surprise!

Driving down the highway, one of the lollipops that was stripped of its personally for months, all of a sudden had a wreath wrapped around the head. A few miles down the road a memorial that used to have a 5' long surfboard now has a small surfboard-shaped plaque and a nice,simple bouquet of flowers.

Little by little a few of the stripped memorials have their personality again. The flowers are back; the crosses showed up again and so did the teddy bears. Smaller & more subtle, maybe symbolic of the diminishing levels of grief, but they are back.

What I realized is that I am holding on to the anger of my grief. I have not moved on. I used to think that these are symbols of grief and of loss - but I am now realizing that they represent the endurance, resilience & hope of our humanity.

We will always survive, no matter the circumstances, or trials & tribulations that life throws at us - we will endure! And we will heal.

I think "I will endure" - therefore I will!

Ten Things I'm Grateful For...

2008-11-26T12:01:00.004-05:00

I received a comment from a reader, Cool Hand Luke, that woke me up from my slumber. The comment said "don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle..." And I saw that I was giving up! I have not been posting here for a while. And I have kept myself away.

I like what Cool Hand Luke said:

"Rest if you are tired,
yet do not cease your Divine work."

I have had personal tribulations, but I see now that I have allowed them to become excuses to keep me from staying on my path. So enough with the "why have I not.." and just get to it!!

So I want to start, on this day before Thanksgiving, by creating a pattern of gratitude for myself. This pattern will allow me to focus on the positive and will allow me to take responsibility for my level of happiness.

I am grateful for (in no particular order):

1. The people in my life. Family, friends & acquaintances. Those that love me; those that walk with me; those that wake me up when I lose my way; and those that shove me back onto my path.

2. Everybody that I meet. For they provide a unique experience in my life. The good ones, the bad ones the happy ones, the sad ones. They are all, equally important, companions on this journey we call life.

3. The trials & tribulations of life, for they teach us the value of who we are and what we have become.

4. My wife, son & dog. They are my everything. They fill my day with joy, laughter and love. I included my dog because I considered him a challenge & didn't like him much. See we got him from the pound "for my son" was the reasoning, and he was unruly. My son & I have trained him & now he is 'normal.' He is loving and attentive even when I don't want him around. Well I gotta love him for never giving up on me. He knew I would come around some day.

5. Health & Happiness. Thankfully my family & I are healthy & happy.

6. Waking up this morning. Everyday is a gift & a blessing from God. I cannot worry if tomorrow will come, I just have to enjoy the NOW. I will let the past go & be free of needing to have the future look a certain way.

7. Music. It carries me when I am down and caresses me when I am lonely. It makes me happy and fills my heart with song.

8. Fun, Joy & Love. No explanation required! These definately make life a lot easier.

9. My computer & the Internet. It allows me to create an inner circle that is much bigger then even I can imagine. For example, you are reading this & I may not know who you are, but now we have something in common. We are united by these words & these thoughts. Please leave me a comment & let me know that you were here (even anonymously).

10. God. My creator and companion. He guides me and with brilliant colors, paints the path so that I can see the way.

Baby Grace :: No Coincidences

2008-01-15T18:38:00.002-05:00

I had an amazing thing happen to me today!

I was just in the process of finalizing my decision to start the Baby Grace Foundation Non-profit. I was starting to make contacts so that I can register it with the state of Florida. The thoughts running thru my head AT THIS VERY MOMENT was "the reason I am doing this foundation is to give discarded babies a name, a proper burial rite & to aide their spirits to ascend to God." Basically I want Baby Grace's life & death to be remembered with dignity.

Spiritually I had a visual image of Jesus holding Baby Grace in his arms and I imagined how beautiful it would be to know that she will eternally be cared for. BUT as a human being my thoughts were of doubting myself. Is this foundation thing going to work? What will people think of the idea of focusing on dead babies? BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... that self-doubt that my little voice runs constantly.

Just as I was starting to believe my self-doubting little voice, I heard the chime of my Outlook, letting me know that I got an email. A friend just sent me this image of exactly how I had visualized Baby Grace in Jesus' arms.

She sent me a message that was inspired from above - "Do It!"

Interesting Reading

2007-12-17T22:00:00.002-05:00

I was reading a few blogs the other day & came across some interesting reading about descansos. Descansos literally means "resting places" and the idea of resting places as markers in life. I have read Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés views of 'making descansos.' What she says is to take a look at your life and marked where the 'small deaths' and the 'big deaths' have taken place. She suggests to create a timeline of your life and mark down with a cross the places along the timeline where parts of yourself or your life have died - or not has been what you wanted. You mark the roads not taken, paths that were cut off, ambushes, betrayals and death of dreams and ideas you've had. This is a way to acknowledge what worked /did not work in your past so that you can then let it go, as the past, and move on.

To extend this idea further another suggestion was to look at it as 'milestones' in your life. Sit down and remembering the significant milestones. Celebrate the joys and mourn the losses of life. CalmEagle's blog suggests "Just as our ancestors drew on the walls of caves and sat around the campfires telling stories of triumph and tragedy we can engage in the transformative process of using story to help us."

I like this idea! Looking at my life and celebrate my joys, along with mourning my losses as a release of the grief, but most of all as a celebration of life.

This seems like a good way to heal the past.

Baby Grace :: Revisited

2007-09-17T23:47:00.000-04:00

So here we are 10 months since Baby Grace passed away & I am wanting to complete the roadside memorial in time for the 1yr anniversary. I allowed a "no" (OR should I say a lack of a "yes") to stop me from doing what I said I would do. See back in Dec, 2006, I contacted Sun Recycling & pitched my idea for the memorial. They said they would consider it and get back to me - I never heard back from them.

In the process of planning this memorial, I've had a profound encounter with this 1 day old child. She showed me the value of acceptance & forgiveness. Her journey ended the same day it started, right before Thanksgiving. In her only day of life, she accomplished more then most of us do in a whole lifetime. She suffered a lonely death, but she did not depart alone. As previously explained, her 6 lb body was found in a construction debris dumpster with the umbilical chord still attached. She was dumped there right after the mother gave birth.

Over the months of following her story, I learned the value of forgiveness. I learned that from her short life. Forgiveness is a powerful gift and it is yours for the taking. All we have to do is give it away or accept it when it comes our way.

All of us do things that we regret & cannot take back. Some more difficult then others, but God forgives all. All we have to do is ask for forgiveness. Now just imagine, really, a lonely mother (possibly at the darkest moment in her life) is looking back at what she has done & not sure if she can forgive her own actions. Just imagine hearing the soul of her 1 day old child whispering "mom, I forgive you..." How would that feel?

Would I be that open and be able to forgive someone who has done me wrong?

So thru this encounter, I get to discover my humanity. Yes, I get to see the flaws of our humanness and the harshness of our humanity. But I also get to see the greatness that we are capable of! See Baby Grace had a regular, loving funeral. She was buried by 50 people who loved her, strangers as they may be. They got to show her love and acceptance. No, there was no mother in sight or family to take care of her, but she did not leave this earth alone.

She was taken care of by the 19yr old kid that found her in the dumpster among the construction debris. She was taken care of by the 3 strangers, owners of the recycling plant where the dumpster dropped of its load. She was not alone nor lonely anymore. This is true acceptance!

This really fills my soul to know that she was loved as she crossed the River Styx.

By creating this memorial, I feel that I can create a public symbol that would deliver the message of forgiveness. I feel that the memorial will let the people, who cared for her, know that her life did not end in vain. It was a life that contributed to many people. Creating the memorial would not only commemorate them, but would also express to all that she can be remembered with dignity.

And I can live with the thought that she did not die in vain.

Sharing a Personal Loss (cont)

2007-08-18T23:26:00.001-04:00

I would like to share with you what I've been feeling now that my mother has passed away. I have had the story that I need to be 'strong' for my family. It's been many years that I have not allowed myself to freely show fear, joy, anger, excitement, disappointment, grief - forget being vulnerable! I've dealt with a lot of death in the recent years and I 'had' to be strong. I do not let anyone know that I am fearful of death & that I'm afraid that one day you too will leave me.

When my father-in-law & mother-in-law died I 'had' to be strong for family. Mima was ill for many years with Alzheimer's. She no longer knew who her family was. She did not know that she had a daughter, a son-in-law & grandson. I remember the day my wife asked her "I am your daughter, do you remember me?" and Mima replied "I don't have a daughter!" My wife cried for days! I tried to protect my son from that. What would it feel like for him to hear that she has no clue of who he is. He can't comprehend what is happening to her. I don't know why I did not cry at her funeral - maybe to protect him or actually to protect me from feeling that pain.

When Pipo died, I promised Pipo that I would take care of his daughter & grandson. I promised him that I would not let anything happen to them. The seven months we took care of Pipo in our home, I protected my son from Pipo's hollers of pain. I would create distractions so that he would not have to 'deal' with Pipo's illness & looking back - so that I can escape that pain.

Now fast forward to today. Again I pretended that I would be alright. My ego really has me believing that I can deal with the death of mom. All this time I have been 'strong' & I can deal with death. BUT really I was pretending that I am OK. All this time I have been hiding the fact that I am afraid, feel vulnerable & alone. I kept myself busy so that I would not have to see mom wither away like a wilted rose. How I end up being is closed off from my own feelings.

So when I was interacting with my friends & family, I was really hiding out. Hiding my feelings. I did not want to get too close because they too will leave me & I am going to hurt all over again! I would not tell anyone about my life, because of the fear that they may find me out or may judge me. The impression I get is that I leave them in a funk trying to deal with my disconnect. For that I apologize.

So what you can count on from me is that I will be free to express my feelings, will no longer pretend to be strong & will be present to your (& my own) greatness. I promise to be there to hear you and to listen without judgement; I promise that I will be with you when you need me; I promise I will be free to be me.

Tomorrow is my mom's funeral service & I do not have to be 'strong' anymore. I do not have to pretend that I have it all together. I will be free to be me and free to be with my friends and family.

God has blessed us with a great mother, but even more so with the legacy she created - our family.

Sharing a Personal Loss

2007-08-16T00:08:00.000-04:00

"Peace I leave you, My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid". John 14:27

This was my mother's possibility for the world. After she quoted these words last Saturday, I saw her world transform. People came from NY, DC and even Ecuador to be with her. They all shared how they have been touched by her. How her way of being was imprinted in their souls and the magic she caused in their lives

She released her bottle full of angers, recentments and caused our world to transform before our eyes.

Last night my mother passed away in peace as the example of these words. Her last wish was that our family carry on her legacy of being United in Peace.

We are here on this earth if only for this moment - so make your moment matter and be the cause of transformation in your world.

My peace I give to you

Welcomed Intrusions

2007-08-07T18:20:00.000-04:00

Today I received a text message from a friend of mine. She needed some information from me and in dealing with my mother's passing in Hospice, I have been unavailable for her a few days. She wrote "Big Love to you and your family. Hesitating to intrude, but can we talk..."
Wow this left me thinking!?? I get so wrapped in my circumstances & have neglected my 'outside' world. It was so great to hear from her & her message of love, that I see that I have excluded others from my experience of life. So I replied to her:

I want you to know that words of love, compassion and commitment are always a pleasant and welcomed intrusion. My mother, taking what amounts to her last few breaths of this world, felt compelled to say that her "work" is not done. See she is calling for people by name to come to her bedside. Lifelong friends are coming from places like New York, Washington DC & even from Ecuador. They all are expressing appreciation and love for her. Most exciting of all, they are expressing that she has allowed them to be in a state of peace with her passing.

I want you to know that this type of intrusions (in this time of loss) is not only welcomed BUT required in order to cause transformation to be present for the other.

To pin it to a single phrase -

You have to place yourself into the life of others in order to cause transformation in their world.

So the possibility I am inventing for myself & my life is the possibility of being the pathway for Completion, Empowerment and to be in peace.

For Virginia :: When one is forgotten, one dies yet another time.

2007-07-30T19:15:00.001-04:00

So regarding my promise to David. I promised David that I would get to see his Descanso for Virginia. I am in Florida & the Descanso is in Arizona. The first thought was " how am I going to get there to see his Descanso?"

So I figured I can ask somebody there to do a favor for me. I have been writing emails making a request for an image of the Descanso. Yes, it is an unreasonable request, but one I know I must do. I feel the promise must be fulfilled. Then the next thought that came to mind is

"what makes me think that I can get a stranger to do me a favor." What makes me think that I can get to see his memorial. The Arrogance that I think I can will somebody into doing something for a stranger just because I ask!

So I've had to put those thoughts aside & I have to do it anyway. So for the last few weeks, I have been searching for people in Arizona. I did a search for preachers in the area; business owners; even teachers who may teach photography. I started contacting people I didn't know, in Apache Junction, AZ. I sent out about 100 emails, but no reply - all to keep my promise.

One email I had to send was to Roy Pope of roypopephotography.com. What caught my attention is the first line in his "About the Artist" page. It reads :

"Roy photographs the world with a pair of loving eyes and a hugging heart."

When I read this, I just knew that I needed to contact him. Something told me that he would be the one to help me fulfill my promise. So I sent it out!

Two weeks have passed and no reply from anybody.

That is no replies...

until today! I received an email reply. Roy has attached a file! My heart is pounding in disbelief! I can't believe it - he attached a photograph! As I open his email, I see three simple lines ending in "Thank You" - wow! he's thanking me - I was the one asking for the favor and he's thanking me. This caught me by surprise! So I replied, thanking him & wondering what was present for him that he is thanking me. His replied:

In this time when mother earth is changing as we willed her to do, this has touched my heart.

He went on to explain

"when one is forgotten, one dies yet another time."

Wow! out of what I thought was a favor for me, he was touched, moved and inspired to take the picture! I now see that having the magic of an "outside the box" life can be had simply out of me being real, expressing what is present for myself and allowing another to experience that.

What I learned from this is that out of me wanting to fulfill my purpose, I have touched another and allow them to be inspired. You just never know what you can cause in the life of another.

for Virginia ::: David's Story

2007-06-06T03:33:00.001-04:00

Over the next three months David & I communicated via email. He expressed his love for his daughter & the heartache it was to lose her. He expressed the sorrow, the loneliness & his hopes for the memory of Virginia.

I got to know David a little more during those emails. And I got to know who Virginia was for him. She was everything to him!

"I have had dreams, and I have had heartaches, I have lived, I have loved, I have hurt inside and out. Some crushed dreams (my daughter) cannot be overcome, no matter how hard you try. I am a welder by trade and her descansos will last longer than most. But it to will be uprooted at some point by someone who knows nothing of the story that goes with the memorial. It is the passing of wind and sand and time. Perhaps someday they will come to understand the grief that passed that spot so very long ago."

All he wanted to do is pass on his folklore. He wanted someone to listen, maybe someone who could understand the pain. But sadly, I just received a final email saying goodbye.

David was on his way to be by Virginia's side where he can find his happiness again. He did not explain anything more then just "I'm ill" and that he could no longer be in communication. I felt like I was loosing a friend. But he requested that he be allowed to die in peace.

So my reply to David was:

"David, all I know now is that God is there with you & that puts my mind at ease. I WILL find a way of seeing your daughter's descanso. The distance from Florida to Arizona is great, AND it is not going to stop me. Know that I already see your devotion and will get to see your creation. I will continue to have you & your daughter in my thoughts forever.

I wish you well & may God be with you on your journey."

I made a promise to David, that I am not sure how to keep it. I promised him that the memory of his daughter would not vanish with his passing & that the descanso he built for her will be remembered even after its demise.

All David wanted was that the memory of Virginia never fade and that his descanso for her, still remain alive.

All I know of David is his Unconditional Love for his daughter & I cannot let his folklore just vanish. I feel he has entrusted in me, the preservation of Virginia's memory. And now also the preservation of David's story.

Good Bye David.

We Live, We Love, We forgive & Never Give Up

2007-05-21T18:31:00.000-04:00

I just received an email from a friend, Donna. She sent me Superchick's "We Live" (MP3) song - this is such a great song! The part that is most impactful is:

The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway
So get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life
cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living

It comes at a perfect time. My wife & I came to the conclusion, this morning, that we (including my son) have not really dealt with the passing of my father-in-law. Yes, we were fine that it was his time to go, & our son accepted it - but we never really had closure. We were just discussing it this morning because our son says that Pipo (grandpa) comes to talk with him at night & that he is scared. He doesn't even want to talk about Pipo because it makes him "cry."

This song has allowed us to forgive and remember to live & to love. We are now setting a date for a memorial service now that the 3yr anniversary of his passing is coming up.

"We live, we love, we forgive & never give up!"
Thank you Donna for the song. It is inspiring and a great message.

I Love you Enough...

2007-05-20T20:19:00.000-04:00

I just read this great story ::

Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughter’s departure had been announced.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, “I love you and I wish you enough.” The daughter replied, “Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom.”

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?”

“Yes, I have,” I replied. “Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?” “I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will be for my funeral,” she said. When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, “I wish you enough.” May I ask what that means?”

She began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. “When we said ‘I wish you enough’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them”.

Then turning toward me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you posses.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, An hour to appreciate them, A day to love them...
and an entire life to forget them.

Baby Grace :: Through Forgiveness...

2007-05-12T23:13:00.000-04:00

Through forgiveness, which essentially means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past, and allowing the present moment to be as it is, the miracle of transformation happens not only within but also without. A silent space of intense presence arises both in you and around you.

You dissolve discord, heal pain, dispel unconsciousness--without doing anything--simply by being and holding that frequency of intense presence.

- Eckhardt Tolle, The Power of Now

The other day I was emailing back & forth with a new friend i've just met. She is a friend who lost a child to a traffic accident in 1989. She asked me a simple question "I am curious to see if you know [her son] and if he visited you before he left this earth." I replied that I've only had one child-like energy ever visit me. I shared that about a year ago, I visited a memorial of a child & the message she wanted to give was for her mother to have peace & to assist her parents in learning to let go. And as I am typing this, I don't stop the sentence there. I continue to type "Baby Grace - I feel she wants to find her mom & to allow her to forgive herself for what happened."

I did not have that in my mind & I did not indent to write that down - where did this come from? It just showed up right then & there! So now I can see the reason why I've had an urgent need to continue creating a roadside memorial for Baby Grace. I never had a purpose & never could explain why I was doing this. I was just driven to do so!

With this sentence I got my reason & now I am even more driven to be unreasonable & make my presentation to Sun Recycling. Baby Grace made such an impact on so many people's lives. And the only reason for doing this is so that she can allow her mother to find forgiveness in this world for what happened to Baby Grace.

The memorial will give the world a message that we can move on - in spite of the tragic circumstances - only so that Baby Grace's mother can do so as well. And so in doing that, I feel that all mothers out there in a similar situation can also allow themselves to just forgive the past.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

Take Down That Memorials! By Force (Part Deux)

2007-04-21T13:15:00.000-04:00

Man has built in himself images as a fence of security – religious, political, personal. These manifest as symbols, ideas, beliefs. The burden of these images dominates man’s thinking, his relationships, and his daily life. These images are the cause of our problems, for they divide man from man.
--Jiddu Krishnamurti (1895-1986, Indian Philosopher)

Again I was reading up on opinions that people have towards roadside memorials. More of the same responds "sorry about your loss... but grieve in private"; "those things are dangerous... distracting drivers."; and even "I am sick of those dam memorials... I don't want to be reminded of death."

But my opinion is that these memorials are not about death. For death can be honored at the gravesite. I feel that the memorials are about life!

Huhhh! you say.

Well memorials say more about the person who puts it up then the person who has passed. It talks about what they have to deal with now that their loved one is gone. They express their loss and serve it to the world to take a drink. Some of us taste the soup of death and call it bitter, while other savor it for what it is - A fact of life. Allow them to expresses their world and the experience of it.
"a man's dying is more the survivor's affair than his own"
- Thomas Mann
I want to believe that these memorials are about life, love, remembrance & ultimately a celebration of life itself. I want to believe that the family are concerned for their fellow human being and are warning us to drive safely.

So my way of accepting - no creating! - my life is to see what is available for me out of this experience. What I see available is to experience life to the fullest & to see life in the following way:

Life :: Life is a glorious cycle of song (- Dorothy Parker)
Love :: Love is a thing that can never go wrong (- Dorothy Parker)
Remembrance :: Live in the present & make it beautiful (- Ida Scott Taylor)
Celebration :: Praising what is lost makes the remembrance dear (- Shakespeare)

I will create myself as a being with "images" of life that do not serve as my fences...
...but serve as windows to the world. Here is where I will survey the horizon and from where I can step outward to what is possible.

Take Down That Memorials! By Force

2007-03-16T13:19:00.000-04:00

In doing some more research about other roadside memorials out there, I came across a news story from Chattanooga, TN. I'll condense it to the following:

The debate over a roadside memorial continues in Hixson... The families of three young women, killed in a a car wreck... set up a memorial...neighbors keep taking it down... people who live in the West Point Subdivision are voicing concerns... Linda Denton lost her daughter in the crash and says this memorial is not only about mourning her loss but also educating the public on safety... Some neighbors say... its a distraction to drivers, while others said the moms should be able to put up a memorial...

The comments to this story really covers all the sentiments that are associated with roadside memorials. The gamut runs from sympathizing with the families to total outrage & anger. Either way it is emotionally charged. One comment posted, I think, really hits the nail on the head.

Sue Shepherd wrote:

"...A memorial won't bring them back and will just clutter up the roadway. Imagine if every death in an automobile was memorialized along the road, there wouldn't be a space without a cross."

Maybe that is the point! If we really were aware to the fact that over 50,000 people die in America every year from vehicular accidents - we would be shocked. But we only see it in bits and pieces - one news story here & there.

I was not aware of the math and no I did not have it in perspective. So if that number does not register with you, then imagine that in the whole Vietnam War we lost 58,177 soldiers! And each year we are loosing almost that many neighbors, friends, brothers, sisters, mothers & fathers - and yes kids. Families are loosing CHILDREN! and that is the point for making the grieving and the memorials VERY public.

I hate to admit it - but the memorials are a daily reminder of our own mortality - I know I did not want to see that! But if you notice, memorials are popping up more and more. Every day in my search for new markers, I find new ones. I can honestly say that, sad as it may sound, I will have plenty of material to write about and to photograph in the near future.

So take the families' message for what it is and just DRIVE SAFELY!

Map of Roadside Memorials

2007-03-12T13:41:00.003-04:00

I just started a new map of the Roadside Memorials that i've documented to date. Many are part of the Descansos.org project webpage plus many more that I have not been able to update.

Updating the images will be an on-going process so check back soon. Also I will make it a permanent link on the "Links" side bar. ---->

Please take a look - maybe you might even see one in your area.

For Virginia :: Memories of Virginia

2007-03-03T23:24:00.000-05:00

Tonite an email arrived that pulled at all my emotions. It reads ::

"Señor, I have maintained my daughter's roadside marker for 14 years now. I will soon be gone as well. It was important for me, in the waning years of my life, to be able to speak with her at the place she last spoke on Earth. I know that this memorial means nothing to anyone but I, and I will soon vanish from existence."

David just wanted to talk & express his story of the pain, sorrow & heartache, he has experienced at the loss of his daughter.

He seemed lonely, but most of all heartbroken. I am getting the impression that he just want to share his story with someone, before he goes.

All I can do is listen with all my heart.

Baby Grace :: Experience the Twinkle and Sparkle of Life

2007-03-02T01:02:00.000-05:00

I just received a preliminary sketch of Baby Grace's roadside memorial. I'm really excited that Nancy B. decided to assist me on this project by preparing this sketch. I plan to make a presentation of this roadside memorial to Andy P. to see if he would allow me to place this memorial at the entry to his recycling plant.

So you may be asking yourself why I would do this for a child I never knew. This baby was not a relative of mine - I don't even know what she looks like. My answer honestly has to be "I don't know!"

I don't have a valid reason for doing it... nor can I even justify an excuse for NOT doing it. I don't know why or for what reason, I just know it's something I must do. If I don't do it then who will!?? Who will make sure that her death was not in vain.

See Baby Grace died without a mother to acknowledge her, no family to take care of her body and in spite of that - she did not die alone. The twinkle of a newborn's life was not lost on the factory worker that found her body. The sparkle her life had to offer is NOT wasted - it is recycled back to the universe! Back into you & I.

The way I see it is that this little angel came into this world to show us that a single soul - in one day of life - actually made a difference in our humanity by touching many lives! She made an impact in the lives of the recycling plant owner who was inspired to pay for the funeral; on the 50 people compelled to go to the funeral of a child they did not know; and she made an impact on my life! She has touched more people in her single day of life than many of us allow ourselves in a whole lifetime.

What her life inspired in me is to :
Imagine what I can do with the years of my life...

How many people, in my life, do I actually have a positive impact on? How many people do I leave them in better spirits/ feelings/ state of mind, then when I first met them? I yelled at my son before leaving the house; at the gas station I tossed the cash on to the counter; on the road I cut somebody off really close. See, like many of us, I live my life like I don't have time, I'm too busy running my business - too busy needing to make a living - too busy raising a family, that I do not have time to care about the other.

This is not living - that's surviving!

I am too busy with the everyday stuff that... I forgot to live life to its fullest. Forget to appreciate what & who is really around me in my life. I know the postman got a 'get out of my way' look this morning.

So from what I see missing, I am inventing the possibility of...
experiencing the Twinkle and Sparkle that life has to offer each and every one of us...

With this new insight on life & with the experience of Baby Grace's life, I can really see that experiencing what life has to offer would really be living life to the fullest. Enjoying every moment like it really matters... because it really does.

"Carpe Diem! Seize the day, lads! Make your lives extraordinary!"

"--Dead Poets Society

Strangest Coincidence...

2007-02-13T01:47:00.000-05:00

Today the strangest 'coincidence' occurred for me. As I am driving down the Fla Turnpike I am on the phone with my mother (headset of course). See two major things were occurring for me these last weeks.

First :: My mother is ill (diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and given only 9 months to live). She had an incident this weekend and went to the emergency room. I was feeling guilty because I was out of town for the weekend and now Monday I am loaded up with client meetings. I did not allow time to be with her - and its four days now. I'm feeling really guilty about this - even my sister made a point that I have not spent to much time with my mother since she became ill. She tells me "we don't have much time with her..." This whole weekend I have been dealing with what could happen to my mother.

Second :: I have been thinking of the roadside memorial of Laura Maness. I even dreamt about her life and was visualizing the decorations on her memorial. See her memorial is decorated with flowers, toys and angels. I was considering going to the memorial and retaking some pictures, but have not made time for that. I was also thinking of the legislation that her husband Lawrence Maness got passed to create Spouse Day in her memory. See Laura left behind 5 kids and Lawrence would honor her commitment to her family while she was alive by having a "spouse day" for her. The legislation of Spouse Day takes that honor and makes it a possibility for all of us.

Both of these events have been keeping my mind preoccupied. So now back to the Turnpike. As I hang up the phone with my mother I start to feel that I should be there with my mother - instead of driving to Miami to meet with my clients. The little voice in my head is telling me "Who knows how much longer you are going to have with her..." I resigned myself to continuing my trip to Miami - and shrugged-off my guilt about my mother. so my story is "Oh sure she will understand - after all I need to keep my business running and clients just won't understand."

At this moment my rear passenger-side tire explodes! I try to cross to the shoulder to the right - but there are a couple of cars there. The tire feels more like its ready to fall off the rim, so I slide over to the center emergency lane. This lane is barely wide enough for my car so I squeeze in - trying to leave myself room to change the tire and not be in the travel lane. I have no idea where I am nor what exit I am near.

As I sit there for a couple of minutes trying to make calls to towing companies and I start to get frustrated that its going to take several hours to get this done. Again I think about my mother and the fact that I am not with her nor am I going to make this meeting with my clients. I got frustrated and open up the door. As I start to step out of the car, I freeze in my tracks.

I froze because I am standing facing the roadside memorial of Laura Maness just across the road. This sends goose bumps up my spine and causes me to breakout in tears! I had no clue where I was - until that moment! Forget the meeting! I start to think of Laura's kids - they do not have a mother alive to be with. I do! Laura was a mother of 5 kids and she lost her life in her prime. My mother also has 5 kids and now is stricken, with terminal cancer, in her prime. No coincidence here! I have been dealing with both of these items and in this moment I am confront by both issues.

I consider this moment to be an omen - trying to show me where my relationship with my mother is heading. If things continue as they are I may lose my mother before I could say goodbye. I breakdown in tears at the thought of losing my mother.

This is the kind of thing that brings me back to reality and allows me to see what is really important in this life. So what I got from this experience is the possibility of Love, Relatedness and Courage. With courage I can face my mom's illness & possible death; I can love her how she is and how she is not - right now! & being related to who she is fills me with hope.

Baby Grace :: Update

2007-01-31T22:33:00.000-05:00

This morning, in the process of moving my office, I found a copy of the letter I wrote to the CEO of Sun Recycling on December 28, 2006. Sun Recycling is where Baby Grace's body was found in the dumpster back in November. See on Dec 21st, Sun Recycling provided a funeral service to honor her death and again I had a hard time dealing with this story. I could not live with the news story that one-day old Baby Grace, was laid to rest. I could not accept that a human being could discarded a baby like yesterday's trash. I could not accept that a human being can be so cold & heartless.

But judgements do nothing but criticize. Actually what I could not accept was living with my own inadequacies - my story that a single human cannot make any difference. See my story sounded like this: "That's just the way things are..." and "It's unfair but what can I do about it?..." I have valid reasons for being this way & I hear that story running like a tape in my head - over and over again... I got sick of it!!! I cannot just sit here & let it go by like yesterday's news - into the trash. I could not accept that things had to be like this.

Appropriately so the week I was looking for what I can do, the S.E.L.P. classroom was about "being unreasonable." Living outside of the reasons we give ourselves; beyond the limits we live in; beyond an ordinary life and just living into an extraordinary life. So I took on that challenge. I want an extra-ordinary life!

So I made an "unreasonable" request! My letter requested that, besides being unreasonable in providing funeral services for a baby he never knew, I wanted him to be even more unreasonable. I wanted him to allow me to create a Roadside Memorial for Baby Grace on his property. The request was so that I can create my live outside my limits and beyond my reasons. And so that in living an unreasonable life I can dream of an unreasonable society where - not one more baby gets discarded into the trash.

A month went by with no reply and I started to feel small again. My reasons showed up again. Reasons like: "this is just too morbid" - "too weird." - "I don't have any relationship with this poor baby." - "this is too much work!" It is these very reasons that kept my humanity small!

So this morning, as I am thinking of this letter, I get a phone call from Sun Recycling. The call caught me off guard since the man, Andy P. quickly introduced himself and went right into - what are you asking of us! I thought he was going to say no - but he went right into "what do you want to create and what do we have to deal with."

I am amazed at the generosity of these men! The level of commitment, love and compassion. This is inspiring to see the better side of our humanity.

Hope for the future

2007-01-28T00:03:00.000-05:00

Today I was able to define the statement for The Compassionate Friends newsletter. In this third workday of the SELP I was able to define my mission statement very clearly. It reads like this:

What I am out to create is to transform the energy of grief, loss, anger and hopelessness into the energy of love, peace and fulfillment. The way that I can make this possibility real is by assisting bereaved parents, who have lost a child thru a traffic fatality. To honor the memory of their child, artists will create a work of art that is representative of the parent's dream, hopes and aspirations. See the future of that child was taken away and the parent no longer has that for their child. The artwork will be indicative of who that child was; the child's favorite color; their favorite activity, etc. It is putting down on canvas the story that represents who their child was for them. Anything that would pay tribute to and honor the memory of their child.

The paintings from different families will be united into a single exhibit that would represent hope and fullfilment. By presenting the paintings in a public space, the family will see that their child's death can serve a higher purpose and that it was not in vain.

The exhibit will also allow other bereaved parents to experience this memorial and realize that there is hope out there for them. They will be inspired by these painting, and the memorials that they represent, to honor their own child by living a life full of love, peace and hope.

My dream is that these paintings will allow families to experience love, peace and fullfilment as a way to alliviate their grief and feelings of loss, anger and hopelessness.

Baby Grace

2007-01-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

On Dec 21, a funeral service was held for a baby girl only days old. The services at St. Matthew Catholic Church was held in the presence of 50 persons who really cared for Baby Grace. People like the workers who found her 6-pound, 19-1/2-inch body; the police detective who is investigating her death; even the owner of the plant, who paid for the services, was present. But unfortunately a grieving mother was nowhere to be found.

See Baby Grace was found dead in a garbage dumpster, her umbilical chord still attached. She was buried in a donated, ivory-colored dress trimmed with tiny rosebuds and pearls. The white 2-foot long casket carried this angel to her final resting place. The motorcade taking her to the cemetery even had a police escort. She came into this world all alone, but definitely did not leave it that way. She was surrounded by 50 persons who cared for her - even though they were all strangers.

Florida law allows parents to drop off unwanted babies at hospitals, fire stations and emergency medical facilities with no penalty of law. So Baby Grace's mother must have been in a serious situation and maybe not even aware of this law. My assertion is that she must have been desperately alone. Why else would she see discarding Baby Grace into a dumpster as her only option and why would she never step forward to claim her when she was found. Lord, give me strength!

So through Baby Grace's memory I can see the possibility of Love, Forgiveness and Compassion. By creating this possibility, out of what I see missing, I can go out into this world and make sure that her death was not in vain. I can commemorate the memory of Baby Grace; I can learn to forgive such an inhumane act and I can create compassion so that not another baby will be discarded into the trash.

Baby Grace

2006-12-28T13:11:00.000-05:00

There has been this story in the newspapers that is still gnawing at me.

On Nov 20, a baby girl, named Baby Grace by investigators, was found in a construction dumpster - umbilical cord still attached. The first thing I thought was "how can anyone just dump a baby like a pile of trash?" But this thought came from anger and a sense that "where has our humanity gone?" I realize that these are negative thoughts and are judgemental. I don't know anything about the mother & what could be going on in her world.

Maybe she is a teen mother who felt all alone in this world & maybe she was scared of being responsible for a baby's life. Maybe she was scared to death! What would her parents do to her if they found out!? Maybe the mother is an adult who is in danger herself. I have no clue therefore cannot judge at all! Only God can do that.

But I cannot help being drawn to this little girl's story. I still cannot get over being angry & sad for what happened to her.

I have this need to do something about it. I don't know what I can do for this little girl, but I do have this need to restore my faith in humanity. And maybe in doing so I can bring dignity to her death.

Memories...

2006-12-11T16:34:00.000-05:00

"They who think that you are gone,
because no more your face they see,
are wrong, for in our hearts you live
and always will in memory."

"Healing from grief is not a process of forgetting,
It is the process of remembering with less pain and more joy."