The Toasted

Pumpkin Pie From Scratch

2008-12-01T23:37:00.001-08:00

This Thanksgiving was a first. No, I didn't "not" drink, no I didn't clean my measuring spoons after every use so they'd be ready for next time. Those are both good guesses though and very admirable pursuits I'm sure. No, this was the first Thanksgiving that I made pumpkin pie from an actual pumpkin. I got a bee in my bonnet about it, was debating to go to the store to get a sugar pumpkin (a smaller pumpkin specifically for baking pies) when I remembered that we'd gotten the baby a baby-sized pumpkin for Halloween. Lo and behold there it was, still sitting on the counter, as cute as could be, about 6 inches high. Was it a sugar pumpkin? Would it taste like crap? Didn't know, and it didn't stop me from baking it.

A quick Google search led me to this site that shows you how to make pumpkin pie from scratch. Warning: While it is a very informative site, it is rather hard on the eyes so be warned, especially you graphic designers out there. I used the recipe from there too and it came out lovely.

I halved the pumpkin, scraped out the seeds and stringy bits with an ice cream scoop, and microwaved the pumpkin in a covered baking dish, in an inch or 2 of water, for 25 minutes. The skin just slipped right off, it was awesome. Then a quick once-over with the immersion blender and it was ready to be added to the other pie ingredients.

I should warn you that if you are making real pumpkin pie it will not be the same color as canned pumpkin pie. My pie turned out a nice pressboard color, but certainly not orange by any stretch of the imagination. Thankfully, whatever kind of pumpkin it was, it tasted delicious. It was a very mild-flavored pie with a delicious lingering taste. I'll definitely be doing it again next year.

NOTE: About the picture, no that's not a picture of my pumpkin pie, I didn't get a chance to snap a photo of it before it was devoured. This close approximation will have to do. There is also some kind of rule that if you are taking a stock photo of pumpkin pie, it is mandatory that there be a fork right there in the shot, just in case you forgot what you were supposed to be doing with a slice of pie.

The Great Cupcake Cake: Sometimes Size Does Matter

2008-09-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

Squeeeeeeeee!

Wandering through Williams-Sonoma (because I like to live dangerously), I turned the corner and stumbled over The Great Cupcake Cake display. After regaining control of all my faculties, I turned to my husband and immediately began with the imploring and the bouncing up and down. Don't scoff, it usually works. Thank God one of the kids had a birthday coming up. Valid argument, case closed.

Once I got it home I began immediately freaking out about whether it would actually work. There is a recipe provided on the packaging. I mean come on, this is W-S, of course there is a recipe. I didn't use it as it probably involved home-threshed wheat and fresh quince jelly. I simply proceeded with my usual tactic when confronted with a molded cake pan: use 2 box mixes and have leftovers. I'm a rebel like that.

Pro tip: Always, always thoroughly lube the hell out of your molded cake pans. Go crazy, grab that butter and get into every crack and crevice. I used to just spray a little Pam but now I'm more diligent than a German proctologist. I get it ALL, twice. Then dust with flour. Don't skip this step, don't underestimate the importance of being able to FREE your cake from the pan. A molded cake still half stuck in the mold is kinda sad.

It will take a long time to bake a cake this deep. You will probably get nervous and chew your nails. It's okay, this is a normal step in the process.

You will need a lot of frosting, especially if you are doing the cupcake bottom in frosting, so plan ahead for this. It ended up looking so cool we had several people disbelieve it's realness. You thought that only happened on Ace of Cakes? Me too.
We baked the leftover cake mix into a large flat circle for a "plate", which my husband covered and decorated with fondant. Yeah, he's pretty awesome.

Then for some reason, we lost our minds and made a bunch of cupcakes, worried there wouldn't be enough cake. Reality check: THERE WILL BE ENOUGH CAKE WITHOUT THE CUPCAKES. Anyway, they turned out cute and Pete jumped in again with the fondant to make Happy Birthday letters.

Here is a 12-second video of the cake in action, with all her little cake babies. You can hear me stage whispering "Go!" and beelzebebe grunting in the background, so it's extra exciting. And yes, THE Ariel Waldman left a comment. That elicited squeeeeee #2.

Giant Cupcake Cake! on 12seconds.tv

Purple People Eater

2008-08-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

There are a few things in the world I have an uncontrollable weakness for: puppies, shoes, and .... blueberries. That LAST one is the reason we currently have about 400 pounds of blueberries in our fridge right now. I can't help myself, I just keep buying more when they are cheap in the middle of summer! I know, I know, I could freeze some but wouldn't it just be much more fun to make cocktails with them? Behold, another Melissa original (unless you've heard of this one before. I haven't, so don't spoil it for me okay?)

Purple People Eater

2 oz coconut rum
4 oz coconut milk
1 oz pomegranate liqueur
1 1/2 cups blueberries (guestimate!)
1 1/2 cups of ice (guestimate again!)

This makes enough for 2 margarita glasses full of drinks. Yes, I serve my cocktails in margarita glasses. If Martha Stewart did it, you'd call it "artistic license" but in my case, you can just call it "cheap."

I Found My Thrill On Blueberry Hill

2008-07-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

Blueberry pie has to be one of the best offerings of summer. I also stumbled upon the most delectable pie crust I have possibly ever made, in my ENTIRE LIFE. And that's a lot of pie crust. If you stick with me, you will even get to see video of real, actual bubbling pie fresh out of the oven. You think I'm joking!

The trouble with most fruit pies is that they get runny. Sugar + fruit + heat = major leakiness issues. That slice of cherry pie you get at Denny's that is all perfectly congealed is not natural, there are major thickeners employed there. The pie baker is always trying to find the perfect thickener and I tried tapioca for the first time with this pie. Major success!

Let's start with this magical crust. I have talked in the past about using shortening AND butter because they have different melting points and make for a flakier, yet malleable, crust. However, I have always used an equal ratio. This time I went with 6 ounces butter, 2 ounces shortening and it ROCKED:

2 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/8 tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. sugar or Splenda
6 ounces butter
2 ounces shortening
an 8 oz. glass of ice water with 1 Tbsp. vinegar stirred in (of this, you'll probably use about 5-8 Tbsp. of vinegar-water total)

Combine dry ingredients in Kitchenaid mixer, toss together. Cut in 1/2 of butter/shortening, mix for about 15 to 30 seconds, then add the rest of the butter and shortening. Continue to mix until crust is the size of peas and looks cornmealy. Remove bowl from mixer and drizzle 1 Tbsp of water at a time around the edge of the bowl and cut in with a fork or pastry cutter. Continue until the crust barely sticks together. Don't add too much water! Turn the crust onto a piece of plastic wrap and bring up the edges to smoosh it into a pattie. Divide into 2 patties, wrap tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate about 30 minutes.

This is the pie crust pattie before it gets rolled. After you make the crust and refrigerate it, you'll need to let it warm up for about 10 minutes before rolling. When it is ready to roll is just something that takes practice in determining, sorry. I like to use a double layer of plastic wrap to prevent sticking, plus I can check if my diameter is good on my handy-dandy pastry board.

Rolling is such an art that I'll cover it in an upcoming post. Just try to push harder at the center and feather out as you get to the edges. Once I get the diameter right, I like to trim the edges with a pizza cutter or knife to create a perfect circle (gratuitous perfect circle ref!). Oh and I know that's not a perfect circle, just humor me for once, okay?

Gently roll the crust onto your rolling pin and lay it into your greased pie pan, like so. Do NOT stretch to fit, actually lift it up and set it in there, even if there are wrinkles, no one will see it. If you stretch it like a drum head, it will shrink as it bakes and you will be a sad baby. Refrigerate while you prep your berries. Oh, and get your top crust out so it can warm up and get ready for rolling.

Next you'll need to wash your delectable blueberries. Just rinse them in a colander and pick off any stray stems you find, toss any squishy or questionable looking berries, and try not to eat too many. You're making a pie, remember?

Combine your filling ingredients:

4 cups blueberries
1/4 cup Minute tapioca
3/4 cup sugar or Splenda
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
1/8 tsp. cinnamon

and place into your bottom crust. Dot with about 1 Tbsp. of butter.

Now you want to roll and cut your top crust. Any kind of top crust will work, or none at all, but I chose to do a wacky layered shapes top. Very easy, just roll like the bottom crust, then use your pizza cutter to cut shapes to lay on top.

Now is the fun part! What, you weren't having fun already? For shame. Lay out your shapes in any pattern you'd like, just make sure to leave some gaps for steam to escape. Then combine 1 egg and 1 Tbsp. milk and brush on with a pastry brush.

Sprinkle on some sugar, cover the edges with aluminum foil to protect them from burning, and bake in a preheated 400-degree oven for 45 to 50 minutes or until juices form bubbles that burst slowly. Then cool and enjoy!

Congratulations! You survived all the way to the end of my horrendously wordy pie post, and here is your reward:

Hand-Powered Milk Frother: The $20 Crack Maker

2008-07-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

What if I told you there was a gadget so simple, so efficient, and so cheap that you could produce the liquid equivalent of crack, from simple nonfat milk, and it only cost $19.95? You'd probably call me a crack smoker, and that would be okay because I wouldn't have believed this either.

I have been using my Mukka Express stovetop maker to make cappuccinos and the frothed milk is really hit or miss. Like I said in this post, it's mysterious and temperamental so I never know if I'm going to get the perfect cup, or the cup that seems like a blind, narcoleptic, apathetic barista made it.

Williams-Sonoma had several different milk frothers, most of them electric whisks that you dunk into your cup of milk. I am loathe to purchase ONE MORE plug-in appliance for my kitchen; there simply isn't room and all those cords everywhere look ugly. So it was love at first sight when my gaze fell upon the Bonjour Caffe Froth hand-pump milk frother. So simple, so unobtrusive, so uncorded. I'll take it!

I wasn't expecting much. Part of me was worried that because it wasn't motorized, it wouldn't give me good volume. All you do is pour nonfat (nonfat works best, bonus!) milk up to the line on the side, drop the plunger in, and give it 20 hard pumps. I mean really think of something that pisses you off, it works better if you beat the hell out of it. Give the frother 2 or 3 gentle taps on the counter, let the milk settle for a few moments, and voila, unfuckingbelievable foam.

These videos are from 12seconds.tv, a fantastic new site that lets you create 12-second movies. Watch step-by-step as I turn ordinary, garden-variety nonfat milk into PURE GOLD!

The milk, it is flat and flavorless on 12seconds.tv

The milk, I'm beating the crap out of it on 12seconds.tv

Fluffy Clouds of Frothiness on 12seconds.tv

It has the consistency of homemade whipped cream only it's, um, completely nonfat and only 80 calories. I also add a dash of sugar-free vanilla syrup in there to really take it to another level. It is impossible to comprehend that boring old nonfat milk turns into THIS, just with a few pumps. The first day we brought it home I think I made 3 or 4 batches in a row and almost made myself crack sick. So take it slow and savor a batch and oh, drink the coffee that you are supposed to be pouring it on as well. Most of my batches don't make it that far.

Shag Rug

2008-07-23T23:18:00.001-07:00

Behold, I have created a mixed drink, and it is GOOOOOOD.

I was playing around on Drinksmixer, basically entering a few key ingredients that I have in the house and saying 'okay, tell me what I can make.' One of the recipes with amaretto sounded good, but I didn't have any OJ, so I decided to improvise. I never have any OJ. Do you know HOW many recipes call for OJ? Yet I am steadfast in my refusal to buy OJ. I am not caving on this. Amazingly, even OJ-less, I created something totally kick ass.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you, the Shag Rug. I'm calling it a Shag Rug because amaretto always reminds me of the '70s, wood paneling, and shag carpet. Oh, and you'll probably be face down on the rug by the time you finish a few of these. So here ya go:

3 oz amaretto
2 oz coconut rum
1 oz white rum
3 to 6 oz pineapple chunks/juice
2 oz coconut milk
1 oz triple sec
2 scoops ice

Pour it all in a blender and mixify until smooth. This is enough for 2-3 drinks, or 1 Big-Gulp sized drink.

Yes, there is a LOT of booze in this, but you won't be able to taste it and will get quite smashed without any hardship. Yes, it's a good thing.

Absinthe: Liquor's Version of More Cowbell

2008-07-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

During our exciting 4th of July getaway to the cabin, we stopped in at the general store. The one that had THAT poster out front. The store is tiny but always carries a mind-boggling collection of booze. I don't know if people that live in the sticks cultivate a seasoned palate for liquor because there is nothing better to do, or if there is just one inquisitive guy who happens to be the supplier. Whatever the case, it is always a cornucopia of weird bottles of alcohol we attempt to talk ourselves out of trying. So on this last trip I see a bottle of absinthe. The following discussion ensues:

Me: Wow, I can't believe they have absinthe up here!

H: What's absinthe and why is it strange it would be up here?

Me: Absinthe! You remember, La Boheme? Moulin Rouge? The green fairy? It's been banned in America for a million years (okay, turns out only since 1912) because it caused people to hallucinate and lose their minds or something.

H: Fucking awesome, lets buy a bottle when we get back home.

Cut to next day, back in town, can't find absinthe ... anywhere. Upon googling, I discover a hysterical blog review of different absinthes at the Laist and a society devoted just to absinthe and drinking it. I also learn that there is no legal definition for absinthe. You can pour vodka in a bottle, mix in some green food coloring, and call it absinthe. Turns out the absinthe at the cabin was this variety. It's not like gin or whiskey where it has to meet some qualifications. So now not only do we want absinthe, but we want moderately not sucky absinthe, and there isn't a bottle to be had anywhere. Finally I found a Bevmo that was only 30 minutes away that had some decent absinthe. Praise God we were gonna get to hallucinate!

St. George is a well-rated brand of absinthe, among 'experts.' The average joe doesn't necessarily like the taste of it but guess what, absinthe is an acquired taste, punks. Who would have a tasting party for absinthe, invite a bunch of absinthe virgins and then tally their votes? I'm only interested in whether it tastes similar to what unwashed philosophers 100 years ago were drinking, not whether it goes well with my smoked salmon or is something nice to sip while I blog. So I completely dismissed the 'popular' vote (how unbohemian of me!) and went with what the experts liked.

The St. George bottle is perfection. The label features a monkey banging on a cowbell with what appears to be a bone. Sound strange? Just great marketing? Ominous portent of what is in store for you once you crack that motha open? Whatever it is, it looks great.

Interesting absinthe fact: You can drink it straight, if you are INSANE. It is 60% alcohol, or 120 proof, and it tastes strongly (I can't emphasize this strongly enough) of anise, or black licorice. Black licorice and lighter fluid. If you like that sort of thing, be my guest and have a shot. If not, read further. In the picture below is the entire amount we diluted with water to make the finished drink, 1 single ounce shot.

The most common way to drink it is to dissolve sugar cubes into it by pouring cold water over them and into the glass. They make slotted spoons specifically designed to hold the sugar over the glass that are quite beautiful. The clear absinthe turns milky and becomes somewhat less lighter fluidy. Even with several sugar cubes (okay, 7) and a lot of water, I could barely get down a sip. My husband, however, discovered that mixing in something acidic like lemon juice or lemon water, really cuts the licorice taste and makes it quite palatable (his descriptive, not mine).

if you really want to try absinthe, another suggestion would be to start with something easier and then switch to absinthe once you are a bit loosened up. It might taste better. Oh and I never saw my perky green fairy. Where the hell is my god-damn Kylie Minogue I was promised?! Also, sadly, I didn't suddenly become artistically profound yet simultaneously indignant re: the bourgeoisie.

Lattice-Crust Apple Pie, Ya'All!

2008-07-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

Well another 4th of July came and went so I thought I'd do a post about good old-fashioned apple pie. I learned to make pie a few years ago and my #1 top-requested pie is apple. I'll get into some tricks for homemade crust in a later post, I just wanted to discuss some different options for topping your apple pie. I keep typing 'applie' instead of applie (hah! just did it again, not fixing it for proof's sake).

You have 3 basic options for enveloping apples and baking them into pie form, roughly speaking they are:

The most basic crust option is a simple double-crust with slits cut in the top. Always remember to create slits in your top crust or you will have an incredible mess to clean up inside your oven.
Second is crumb crust. This is actually easier than a double crust because you only have to roll out the bottom layer and that doesn't need to look cosmetically pretty in the slightest. A crumb crust of sugar/flour/butter is easy to whip together and you just sprinkle it on. I recommend this option for rookie pie makers.
Third is lattice. Lattice crust will make you quake in your boots because it is tricky to get the strips on and not break during the assembly process, which involves peeling them back and forth a few times. But it looks fabulous so go for it if you feel lucky.

I like to use a 50/50 mixture of butter and shortening in my crust, the 2 fats have different melting points and you get the flaky yumminess of butter with the stability of shortening. The crust pictured was made with all-butter though, which is extra-delicious but a bit more delicate to handle.

Here is my pie before the edges are fluted or I've applied the milk wash and sugar sprinkles. You can see some chunks of butter peeking out of the lattice:

Apply a light brushing of milk and follow it with some chunky sugar sprinkled on top. I used 'natural' sugar or some such thing, the grains are just a smidge larger than regular old sugar.

Next you need to put some protection on that pie you just spent hours slaving over. Your fluted edges are very thin and will burn if you don't cover them. I use a preformed aluminum (aluminium if you're British :) ring but you can always just make a ring yourself out of aluminum foil or lay a sheet of aluminum foil over the entire pie and take it off a few minutes before you take it out of the oven so the top gets brown.

It is rather complicated to explain the actual lattice weaving process, so I found a great link that sums it all up nicely (with great photos too!). I like to use a pizza cutter to cut my strips. Basically you want to lay down half your strips, peel alternating strips back to the midline, then starting at the middle, lay down your first row of opposing lattice. Then go back and lay down the turned up stripes, and peel back the previously laid-down ones. Repeat with another opposing row. And so on until you reach one end. Then start in the middle and work your way to the other edge. You can also use one of these crust stencils but it won't have nearly the same effect.

Chocolate Buttermilk Cake With White Chocolate Frosting

2008-06-25T11:58:00.000-07:00

Okay that was a mouthful. I made this cake for Father's Day so I frosted it to look like grass driveway pavers:

The cake and frosting recipes are from the Cake Mix Doctor book, by Anne Byrn. Just a little frosting magic can even fix a broke-ass looking cake like this:

After smushing the 2 cakes together with frosting Bondo, I lined my plate with wax paper to catch any frosting mishaps. This frosting tastes cream cheesy and super delicious. It is easy to spread and doesn't get beaded up, run, or get too dried out. I'm loving it.

After I frosted, I let it set up in the fridge, then took it out and ran a pastry spatula dipped in hot water over the surface to get it mostly smooth. Not fondant smooth, but smooth enough for some decorations.

Here comes the fun part, sprinkles! Gee, now where did those sprinkles get off to, I just had them here a minute ago. Wait, why is the baby being so quiet ...

Once I nabbed the sprinkle thief, it was time to sprinklefy this bad boy. The contraption I'm using for the sprinkles is a pie crust cutter. You are supposed to use it to make 'faux' lattice pie crusts but I always end up using it in some other fashion, as a sprinkle stencil for example.

I was pretty happy the way they turned out:

And there you have it!

Cake:

18.25 oz Devil's Food cake mix
2 Tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
1 Tbsp. ground espresso coffee, run through food processor to powder
1 1/3 c buttermilk
1/2 c vegetable oil
3 large eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Combine all ingredients, mix on low for 1 minute, scrape down the sides, mix on medium for 2 minutes more. Pour into two greased and floured (I used cocoa powder) 9-inch pans and bake at 350 for 28 to 30 minutes, cool on wire rack for 10 minutes, then invert onto a rack and cool completely before frosting.

Frosting:

6 ounces white chocolate, melted (in microwave at 50% power, 30 second intervals)
8 oz cream cheese, room temperature
1/2 stick butter, room temperature
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 1/2 c confectioners sugar, sifted

Beat cream cheese and butter in mixer 30 seconds, add melted chocolate and mix 30 seconds more. Add vanilla and sugar and blend 30 seconds more more. Increase speed to medium and beat until fluffy, about 1 minute more.

Cornbread Waffles

2008-06-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

Yet another great recipe from this vintage cookbook right here:

They were titled 'cornmeal waffles' in the book, but they end up tasting exactly like cornbread, only wafflier. I can't think about waffles without hearing this song in my head:

Hippie warning: this recipe is from the '60s and involves the use of wheat germ. Participate at your own risk.

This recipe also involves separating your eggs and beating the whites separately, then folding them in. They didn't do things the easy way back in the olden days! We didn't notice a huge increase in fluffiness, so this probably isn't 100% necessary and you could just combine the whole eggs and buttermilk if you wanted to save time.

2 eggs, separated
2 cups buttermilk
1 cup whole wheat or white flour
3/4 cup cornmeal
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
2 Tbsp. sugar (I used Splenda)
1/4 cup wheat germ (see?!)
6 Tbsp. butter, melted and cooled

In a medium bowl, beat the egg yolks and buttermilk until blended. In another medium bowl, stir together flour, cornmeal, baking powder, baking soda, salt, sugar, and wheat germ (basically, just all the remaining dry ingredients). Gradually add flour mixture to yolk mixture, blending until smooth. Stir in butter.

In a small bowl, beat egg whites just until stiff, moist peaks form; fold into cornmeal batter just until blended. Bake waffles in a preheated waffle iron just like you regularly would. Makes 1 dozen 4-inch waffles (also known as 3 whole waffles).

Top waffles with butter and honey and you'll be in cornbread heaven.

Salsa, Pronounced Salsaaahhh

2008-06-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

It's Rojo Caliente! (Possibly the worst song/video ever, just warning you, but it still makes me laugh every time she says rojo caleentay.)

Well the temperature is climbing and nothing tastes better on a hot day than some spicy salsa and a cold beer, or margarita, or raspberry daiquiri, or ... wait, what was I talking about? Oh, salsa! I love homemade salsa and find it hard to choke down anything called salsa that comes out of a jar. It shouldn't be allowed to be called salsa, so-solsa might be more fitting.

I also got to use more of my backyard cilantro which I'm so excited about. Yay for walking out your back door and bringing in food, makes me feel all pastoral.

For homemade salsa you just need a few key ingredients and don't worry so much about measuring. Like a good soup, it's more about just getting on with it and using what you have. Limes or lemons, red/white/yellow or green onions, any kinda pepper, etc. For today's salsa I used:

3 tomatillos
4 roma tomatoes (on the vine, so they were safe!)
1/4 of a red onion
2 hot peppers
1 heaping tsp. minced garlic
half a lemon's worth of lemon juice
3 to 4 Tbsp. cilantro leaves
salt to taste

Tomatillos are my secret salsa weapon. If you aren't familiar with them, they look like small green tomatoes and will have a papery wrapper. They give such a fresh, cool flavor to salsa.

Experiment with the kind of peppers you use for heat. We used Costco's cryptically-labeled 'mixed hot peppers' that were a mixture of red, yellow, and green peppers. You can go all Anaheim, jalopeno, serrano, etc.If you mess up and add too many hot peppers (we used THREE in this recipe, cough) you can always just use that batch as a salsa starter and add more tomatoes and tomatillos to it, to mellow it a bit. Speaking from experience here people.

We used our lovely Wolfgang Puck hand blender that has a little food processor attachment. You can use a blender or chop it by hand but a food processor makes ultra-quick work of it. Just a few pulses and you are ready to chow down.

Cherry-Almond Chocolate Frozen Yogurt

2008-06-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

This frozen yogurt puts pinkberry to shame. I was searching for something to make with the KitchenAid ice cream maker, yet again, and was actually using the search term 'watermelon' because, as I've said before, I usually have quite a bit floating around. Through a great stroke of luck, I stumbled upon this recipe and stopped dead in my tracks. Cherries? Coconut milk? Yogurt? Done.

I immediately went to the kitchen and got busy getting the pits out of some cherries. The recipe calls for 3/4 cup but I like cherries so I was pushing a full cup when all was said and done.

Then, of course, the tweaking began. I cut the amount of sugar and substituted it with Splenda, adding chunks of dark chocolate, and I added a few tablespoons of kirsch, which is a cherry liquor (great addition to cherry clafouti, BTW). Everything tastes better with chocolate and booze added.

What kicks ass about this recipe is the LACK of ingredients and cooking. There aren't 50 different things to assemble, eggs to separate, or custard to cook and then wait an intolerable amount of time to cool. Just grab a few items, stir them together, and then freeze. I didn't even wait the prerequisite hour before putting the mix in the ice cream maker (shhhhh).

To make about a quart you'll need:

3 cups Greek-style yogurt (or strained yogurt*)
1/2 cup Splenda
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
3/4 cup cherries, pits removed and roughly chopped
1 cup unsweetened coconut milk
2 Tbsp. kirsch, cherry liquor
1 1/2 oz. dark chocolate, coarsely chopped

*No, not like strained family relations, strained like you take the liquid out. To make strained yogurt, you need to start with double the amount of yogurt required (2 cups whole-milk plain yogurt for every 1 cup of eventual strained yogurt). Lay a couple layers of cheese cloth in a strainer, add your yogurt, gather up the ends, fold them over and refrigerate at least 6 hours.

See why I went out of my way to just get the Greek yogurt. Six hours? Gah! I'd have died from the anticipation by then.I used Voskos' Greek yogurt so I wouldn't have to bother with straining it, just tossed 3 1-cup servings into the mix.

Mix together all ingredients except chocolate chunks. Stir until the sugar is completely dissolved. Refrigerate 20 minutes to 1 hour. Stir in chocolate chunks. Mix in ice-cream maker, following manufacturer's instructions. I used a KitchenAid ice cream maker attachment and it took about 20 minutes to freeze.

The resulting yogurt is so addictive, I've already made 2 batches this week. For research purposes and all, of course.

Pretzels From Scratch

2008-06-10T13:39:00.001-07:00

Pete blurted out "lets make pretzels" this weekend. At first I thought it was some newfangled term for ... you know ... making pretzels (nudge, nudge) but no, he actually meant really making real pretzels, with ingredients, in the kitchen.

I don't know why I thought pretzels would be hard, but they weren't. Time-consuming and kitchen-destroying yes, but not technically difficult in any sense.

Things I've learned about making pretzels in the 2 days I've been a pretzel-maker:

Don't think you can go right over to ehow and get a decent pretzel recipe. They don't know shit.

Make sure your yeast is alive and willing to cooperate. I'll explain further below.Let your dough 'relax' (chill in the fridge) after it has risen. Get it? Chill? Relax? I couldn't make this stuff up.

Don't stretch, pull, or slap your dough around like a $2 whore, treat it gently.

Beer and pretzels are, like, soulmates.

Okay so on to the actual recipe. This is the one we ended up using (thanks ehow for sucking!) for take 2. Alton Brown is a never-ending font of knowledge so when I see his little fish avatar I know I'm in good hands. Just ignore the disturbing weiners in the photo.

Sprinkling the yeast on top and waiting for it to foam will save you trouble down the road. If you don't get bubbles, toss it and buy new yeast. Better to find this out now, rather than an hour later when you are staring at a flat pile of dough.

For the proofing part (setting it in a warm place), I stuck it in our Thermador. This stove is so complicated I didn't even know it HAD a proof setting, so check yours, you might be in luck. Basically it just warms the oven ever so slightly so your dough will rise. If you don't have this option, you can set it in a sunny windowsill or someplace old-fashioned like that. While you churn butter and get water from the well.

After an hour, it should have doubled in size. Now gently cut it with a knife or pizza cutter (don't tear) into 8 chunks and put them on an oiled parchment-sheeted pan, cover, and put in the fridge. Now is that chilling part I was talking about earlier. It isn't mentioned in the recipe but we recommend it. We skipped this step on our first attempt and the dough was so springy and unmanagable. Leave it in there about 30 minutes or so.

(I've read different recipes that suggest rolling out the dough into pretzel shape right after mixing it and then letting it rise. Haven't tried this option out yet, remember I've only had my certification 2 days, but thought I'd share. )

Then comes the rolling. Be gentle and roll forward only, with just your fingertips, on an oiled surface. When you are about to roll into unoiled territory, bring it back to the bottom and repeat. Focus most of your efforts on the center of the strip and it will stay more even. Once you get it about 2 feet long, fold it into a pretzel pattern. If you can, set up a videocamera because watching yourself later as you try to decipher exactly what goes into making a pretzel a pretzel is comedy gold! Also, don't attempt to do this stoned, I'm just guessing it wouldn't work as I could barely do it completely straight edge.

Here is one of our first attempts at shaping: deformed and hideous, but still delicious.

Now the pretzels go back onto the oiled sheet while they wait for their boiling bath. There are 2 methods of doing this, adding either baking soda or lye, to the water. In other words, the safe way and the accidentally-blinding-yourself way. We chose the former. Either one will help produce the Maillard reaction, which gives pretzels their lovely glossy carmelized appearance and taste. Keep the water at a low rolling boil and just dip the pretzels in 1 at a time, holding them down between 2 spatulas for 30 seconds.

Put them back on the baking sheet and slather on the egg wash, top with pretzel salt. We just used coarse kosher salt but I'm going to try to find chunkier salt next time. Now they are ready to be baked for 12 to 15 minutes.

Warning: Your house will become enveloped in the completely devastating aroma of pretzels. Anyone within sniffing distance of an open window will come a'knockin at your door so make sure you are decent, aka not 'making pretzels'. Apologize to your carb-conscious neighbors for this will be their undoing.

I plan to post more varieties once we finish these batches and thats no lye. Enjoy!

Bam! Cilantro Shrimp Salad

2008-06-09T12:01:00.000-07:00

This recipe started got its origins from Emeril's New Orleans Cooking, (I have a signed copy, don't hate) which was published in '93... As in last century. Coolness factor? Through the roof once you see the photo of Emeril wearing Ray-Bans and talking on a giant cartoon-sized cell phone. Ahhh, remember when?

So in this book there is a recipe for Arugula with Cilantro Oil, Pepper Goat cheese, and Roasted Walnuts. Gee, it just rolls right off the tongue doesn't it? There are 3 separate actions you need to perform on 3 different ingredients before you get to eat, no wait, 4 separate actions, so this isn't a throw-together in 5 minutes salad. Don't you miss the '90s and how complicated things were? Makes 4 servings.

1/2 cup Cilantro Oil (see below)
1 cup roasted walnuts (below again)
10 ounces goat cheese
2 Tbsp. peppercorns, roasted and cracked (no really, see below again)
2 Tbsp. chopped fresh cilantro
8 cups arugula (I used mixed greens)
1/2 tsp. salt
12 turns black pepper
some shrimp (my contribution to the original recipe)

First you are going to make some Cilantro Oil. Why it is capitalized I don't know. The whole reason I got started on this wild goose-chase of a salad was because we had just planted some cilantro and it was getting leggy.

Cilantro Oil: Combine all of these ingredients in a blender and puree for about a minute. Lasts in the fridge up to a week. So delicious!

1/2 cup packed cilantro leaves
1 tsp. minced shallots
1 tsp. minced garlic
1/2 tsp. salt
3 turns black pepper
3/4 cup olive oil

Next you roast 1 cup of walnuts (or whatever nuts you like, I used pecans). Just spread them on a baking sheet and pop in the oven at 375 degrees for 5 to 6 minutes. TIP: You can roast a bigger batch of nuts and save some for laterz.

Next you should probably roast and crack your peppercorns. Put them in a dry skillet and shake almost constantly for about 4 to 5 minutes, until they crack and release their oil. Your house is going to smell all incensy from this, but I dug it.

Form the goat cheese into a log 2 inches thick. Combine your cracked pepper and chopped cilantro on a plate and roll the log in the mixture until completely covered. Wrap in plastic and place the log in the freezer until firm 10 to 15 minutes. Remove plastic and slice into 12 rounds. Note: It took longer than 15 minutes for mine to firm up so we just ate it crumbled. No such thing as a bad cheese log.

In a large bowl, toss the arugula with the Cilantro Oil. Season with salt and pepper and toss again.

I wanted a little protein with this salad so I decided to thaw out some precooked shrimp and add it. We seasoned it with just a mixture of cayenne, crushed red pepper, salt, paprika, and garlic powder. I just tossed in a little of each, no measuring, and then gave it a quick turn in the skillet to heat it up.

Toss it all together and bam! you're done. Listen to some Nirvana while you are eating it, to get the full '90s effect.

Chocolate Souffle Exposed

2008-06-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday so I thought it would be the perfect time to talk about chocolate. We have been trial and erroring (okay, mostly erroring) our chocolate souffle but it is finally approaching wonderfulness. I briefly touched on my adventures with chocolate souffle in this post but was in such a chocolate coma at the time I wrote that, I couldn't really elaborate much.

Our first few souffle attempts were mixed. The very first one was pretty good, but that was just a cruel joke, setting us up for disappointment when the second one sucked royally. After some tearful online research and armed with a new-found understanding of the importance of egg whites, we plugged in the KitchenAid and decided to persevere. Turns out badly beaten egg whites will slice the tires on your souffle. Here are some helpful egg white tips, just a few things I learned along the way.

First batch of chocolate seized. Damn, what a waste of a snooty 85% dark chocolate bar. My husband gave me a look that said 'you are officially crazy, lady' when I insisted he scrape the seized chocolate into a Tupperware and I would find a way to use it later. Doesn't he know you can't just THROW AWAY even remotely-edible chocolate?! I mean, I could remelt it and use it for a face mask or something, right? Second batch of chocolate went much better. We ended up scrapping the double boiler technique and microwaving it instead. This is my favorite way of melting chocolate; call me white trash but its wut wurx fer me. Just put your chocolate in a microwave-safe bowl, lower the microwave power setting to 50% and watch like a hawk. Take it out and stir it about every 30 seconds until it is fully melted.

Then came the folding. Folding is something I never quite understood before but the correct way is:

take your plastic spatula and gently dollop some egg whites onto the chocolate mixture. Slice down through both at the back of the bowl, across diagonally to the front, lift up and over and give the bowl a quarter-turn. Repeat, gently adding more dollops and flipping back to front.

This worked out VERY well, much better than my original 'slap ingredients together, smash haphazardly, add more, mush together more' technique. Good thing I didn't try and patent it, cause it sucked.

One of the great things about this souffle recipe is that after all that work, once they go into the oven it is only FIFTEEN MINUTES before you get to the finish line. Not like a cake or a pie where you are looking at hours and hours until you can enjoy your masterpiece.

Once these were done, they looked gigantic and tasted amazing. The top tasted different than any of my previous attempts; the closest thing I can equate it to would be a toasted marshmallow, with that crusty top and then the soft gooeyness inside. This is the chocolate souffle recipe we used and the tutorial-like breakdown made it really easy to understand. He takes your hand and leads you step-by-step through the souffle process.

Watermelon Martini

2008-06-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

I have been buying a watermelon every time we go to Costco; what this means is that I have approximately 3.5 watermelons in my kitchen at any given time. This usually works out okay for me because I lurve watermelon like, a lot. It is such a quick and easy snack to grab out of the fridge and munch on.

We wanted to try to incorporate some watermelon into SOMETHING because we have so much of it. I found this great watermelon martini recipe, replete with video tutorial and a hot British accent voiceover. Note: I used grenadine instead of 'sugar gomme', whatever that is.

The Little Aebleskiver That Could

2008-06-02T12:49:00.001-07:00

Well we got out our monk pan and tried aebleskivers again. Our first try was okay, but our second attempt at aebleskivers came out even better. What is there not to love about a batter that includes beer? (This recipe suggests using beer as a substitute for buttermilk, for those poor people who just ran out of buttermilk. That would be us.) We did this whole batch hollow and served them with apricot jam and powdered sugar. They had a yummy hopsy taste from the beer.

Tips to Help You Beat It Better

2008-05-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

Eggs are one of God's most perfect creations, don't ever forget that. What else is going to bind our batters, make fluffy meringue pies, and then give us guilt-free pavlovas, nostalgic divinity candy, everyone screams for ice cream and perfectly scrumptious omlettes? That is only an off-the-top of my head list and that is a lot.

I found egg whites to be quite a challenge as we started trying out souffle recipes. My attempts at beating egg whites were pathetic, no volume, crumbly, flat. Through much Internet research, tooth gnashing, and trial and error, I learned a few things about the craft of beating egg whites into submission. Before you go beating yourself up (oh wow, I'm so punny), may I offer these suggestions:

Separate your eggs when they are chilled, fresh out of the fridge.

Crack your eggs on a flat surface, not the edge of a bowl. Much less chance of shell pieces ending up in your dish.

Once they are separated, let the whites reach room temperature before allowing the beating to commence.

If you are separating a bunch of eggs at once, crack them all into one bowl and then lift the yolks out one at a time with your fingers. Works only with well-chilled eggs and see below about the danger of getting yolk mixed in your whites.

When separating, make sure you get absolutely, positively NO egg yolk in your whites at ALL. Seriously, it will jack with your meringue and you won't get good volume.

Add a smidge of cream of tartar, lemon juice, or vinegar just as the egg whites are starting to get frothy. The acidity helps stabilize them, allowing them to get tall and fluffy.

Start your beating speed at slow-medium and don't increase your speed until you get to foamy. If you rush it in the beginning, bad things will happen. The stages to watch for are: liquid, foamy/frothy, soft peaks, hard peaks.

If you are making a dessert souffle, add your sugar at the beginning of the soft peak stage, slowly pouring it in into the side of the bowl.

Don't overbeat. Once you have reached hard peaks, turn the damn mixer off. It is only going to go downhill from here.

Resist the urge to lick the spatula. Those egg whites look so angelic, but they are still raw and you don't to get mad chicken disease.

Don't leave your egg whites idling, try to plan your baking so you make use of them right after beating so they don't deflate.

Find a use for all your newly-divorced egg yolks: flan, ice cream, or feed them to your dogs (see below); it gives them a nice glossy coat.

I had a helper during my photo shoot. I think she was lurking, waiting for the yolks. Get out of the shot knucklehead!

moar funny pictures

The Cupcake Calamity And The Peanut Butter Bars

2008-05-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

I set out to make a batch of cupcakes for a bake sale. This is a simple enough endeavor and I felt well-equipped to handle it, what with my vast baking expertise. I decided on a recipe in the Cake Mix Doctor book, which involves just adding a 3 oz. box of jello and an extra egg to a cake mix. In the book, she bakes in a bundt cake pan but I figured making it into cupcakes wouldn't make too much of a difference. (Is there a way to cue foreshadowing music on a blog? Here would be a good spot.) I wanted to make lime cupcakes with a yummy cream cheese frosting and had planned on doing cute little marshmallow flowers. Oh such lofty aspirations!

I only filled my cups 2/3 full, like a good girl and everything seemed great. But something went terribly wrong when they were baking. They ballooned up to monster proportions and when I peeked in the oven they looked like giant snot bubbles (lime jello). Gadz! This was quickly turning into a bad 6-grade science fair exhibit. In an effort to try to get them to bake all the way through, I left them in the oven 3 minutes longer, then 5 more minutes, and before I knew it, the tops got crispy. Now I was really screwed.

I had a brief moment where I thought to myself 'am I dreaming?' because nothing bad ever happens to me. No really, don't laugh. I don't get in car accidents or throw my back out or have mean people say mean things to me. I usually pick the right checkout lane at the grocery store and have nice waiters bring me soup with no flies. For the most part, things go amazingly great in my life so at times like this, I have to get my bearings for a second. Like, wait, the cupcakes are burnt? What do I do again when something goes wrong? I forgot, I need a manual for times like this.

As I surveyed the damage I tried to calculate if I could salvage what I had - not enough good ones, I'd have to do something else for that bleeping bake sale. I am not a wasteful girl, however, and was not about to trash 24 perfectly edible cupcakes. So voila, I am going to make key lime trifle, I've blogged about it so now I suppose I must. I peeled all the lovely intact cupcake bottoms out of their foils and scrapped the tops. The color is an amazing edamame green.

But now I still had to find a plan B. So what did I do? What any self-respecting mom with a whimpering baby hanging off her ankle would do, I went to the pantry and got out a bag of cookie mix! So plan B was born:

Peanut Butter Chocolate Bars

Betty Crocker peanut butter cookie mix
3 Tbsp. oil
1 Tbsp. water
1 egg
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

Heat oven to 350, spray a 13 x 9 pan with Pam, mix the mix, oil, water, and egg and press into the pan. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes, let cool for 5. Microwave the chocolate chips for a minute or so until melty, and slather on the baked cookie with a spatula. Chill for 30 minutes and then slice into bars. So easy and tasted great.

See? Really, nothing bad does ever happen to me.

Ahi, Take Two

2008-05-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

(Handy food photography tip: You say your food photo looks weird? All is not lost - simply go with a sepia tone that screams 'rare vintage photo' and no one will be the wiser. No really, doesn't this look like 1910 tuna tartare? Fooled you.)

You might remember a few days I posted about some yummy grilled ahi we made. The next day we made a fantabulous tuna tartare, loosely based on this recipe:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_32773,00.html

We didn't have any currants so we used raisins instead, it tasted great. Hubby also added some cashews, which lent added a great texture and taste to the dish, as they got along nicely with coconut. No avocado mousse this time, but we've made it in the past and loved it.

We used the infamous La Brea Bakery bread toasted bread and also brought out some delicious butter lettuce to make some lettuce wraps too.

For the drinkin' part, we decided some Midori Coladas were in order. They turned out hella good, one of those dangerous drinks where you don't realize how potent they are because they taste so sugary. They are also a gorgeous color of Mountain Dew green. We mixed:

1 part coconut rum
2 parts Midori
2 parts Pina Colada mix
1 cup of pineapple sorbet I had in the freezer. You could use pineapple juice.
1 cup of ice cubes

Toss it all in the blender and mix.

Little Captain Oatmeal Rum Raisin Cookies

2008-05-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

I love baking cookies but some nights I get tired just thinking about dragging out a laundry list of ingredients to make them. So I always keep a stash of bagged cookies in the pantry. These cookies are fast and easy, just like me.

Little Captain Oatmeal Rum Raisin Cookies

1 bag Betty Crocker oatmeal cookie mix

3/4 cup raisins

4 Tbsp. Captain Morgan's Original Spiced Rum, divided

1 stick unsalted butter

1 egg

optional: 1/4 tsp. cinnamon, 1/4 nutmeg

Heat oven to 375. Let the butter soften to room temperature. Combine raisins and 3 Tbsp. rum in a bowl, microwave until warm, cover and let sit for 30 minutes or so. Your butter is thawing out anyway so do this now, pour yourself some rum and relax. Everyone is happier with a little Captain in 'em.

Stir the softened butter, remaining 1 Tbsp. rum and egg in a medium bowl. Stir in cookie dough mix and spices. The dough will be stiff; just add more rum if it is making you nervous (good opportunity to steal another swig). Stir in the raisin/rum mixture. You will probably want to mush the dough together by hand right now as it is the consistency of Play-Doh. Refrain from eating - raw egg, remember.

Drop the dough by rounded teaspoonfuls 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet and bake for about 10 minutes. Let them cool for a minute on the pan before moving them to a wire rack. Store in an airtight container.

These taste moist and chewy, even the next day. Not bad for cookie mix.

Ahi, Take One

2008-05-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

We picked up some gorgeous-looking ahi at Costco the other day. I know what you are thinking, but the Costco here has some great fish! It wasn't a Kramer-sized portion, but we did get enough to split into 2 meals. Since the weather is so beautiful we wanted to grill, so for the first meal we did a grilled ahi with honey glaze, in addition to some lovely grilled peppers, onions, mushrooms, and asparagus. We also got some of that great La Brea Bakery bread again, yum. Does that picture give away my love of onions or what? You can't even see the tuna steak.

We used this recipe, sans the cilantro: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Grilled-Lime-Cilantro-Ahi-with-Honey-Glaze/Detail.aspx

At the last minute, we decided that this meal was in desperate need of some margaritas so I whipped some up using bottled margarita mix. Um .... not so tasty. Not bad enough to throw out, I'm not about to waste good tequila, but I now have a new mission: finding a great margarita recipe. Drop me a line if you have one you like.

Beer-Battered Tilapia

2008-05-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

Rummaging through the freezer I found that I had 3 tilapia filets packed away in there. I said to myself "Hot damn, let's crack open a beer and make dinner!"

We let the tilapia filets soak in some lemon juice, parsley, salt and pepper while we whipped up the batter:

5 Tbsp. flour
1/4 tsp. ground cumin
1/4 tsp. salt
dash cayenne
1/2 cup beer
1 egg yolk

While a few tablespoons of olive oil was heating in the pan, we dredged the tilapia in the batter, then fried them for 2 to 4 minutes on each side. We used Newcastle Pale Ale and it added a great taste to the fish. Next time we might add a little bit of panko bread crumbs to the batter to add a bit more crunch.

We served this up with some edamame, salad, and crunchy take-n-bake. Light and delicious.

Don't you love my ghetto-fabulous food photography?

Maple-Glazed Salmon Sammies

2008-05-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

Every time we go to Costco I always run over to the bakery section, hoping I can grab the last bag of LaBrea Bakery bread before they sell out. LaBrea makes these great ciabatta sandwich rolls that are killer.

For this sandwich we used our standard maple-syrup glaze, which is just a great, easy way to make salmon and invariably it ends up being our default salmon glaze. We usually do a variation on this general theme, sometimes adding different spices into the mix:

1/4 cup maple syrup
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon garlic salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 pound salmon

Let the salmon marinade in this mixture for about 30 minutes before frying, then fry about 3 to 4 minutes on each side.

It will be really hard to not start noshing on the rolls while you are preparing your sandwiches, I suggest having a sacrificial roll right there set aside just for nibbling. Once your salmon is cooked, just load up your roll with whatever toppings you like. Here we used sauteed mushrooms, lettuce, and grated Parmesan.

Retro Lemon-Filled White Cake

2008-05-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned before that I love old cookbooks and this is one of my faves. The pictures in this book are so kitschy and cute, I love it. It is Betty Crocker's Cake and Frosting Mix Cookbook, published in 1966. I picture these moms puffing on a ciggy and knocking back a 'cordial' while they do their baking.

That chocolate cake on the front says "Tex" with a little lasso coming up and encircling a "5." And his candles are a little campfire! So today I am writing about a recipe in here called Lemon-Filled Coconut Cake. But all the girls in my house hate coconut so I'm going to omit that part. The cake on the right side of the cover is actually the cake I am making. That yellow on the frosting is tinted yellow coconut flakes. As you can see, my cake will look really different but it ended up being delicious nonetheless.

On my initial attempt at the lemon filling, I used Splenda instead of sugar. This is what happens when you combine Splenda and cornstarch and water. Yummy cornstarch balls! Had to scrap it and try again with real sugar. I guess some things just work better with real sugar.

The final lemon filling was so tart and delicious it was worth having to make it twice. Of course I added some booze because everything is better with a little alcohol. Next time I might add a dash of yellow food coloring too because it looked very anemic and how retro is that? Not very. I think Technicolor YELLOW will look better next time.

Lemon Filling:

3/4 cup sugar (I used the real deal, see Splenda debacle above)

3 Tbsp. cornstarch

1/4 tsp. salt

1/2 cup water (originally 3/4 cup but I replaced the last 1/4 with triple sec below)

1 tsp. grated lemon peel

1 Tbsp. butter

1/3 cup lemon juice

1/4 cup triple sec

The book recommends just using a standard white cake, the lemon filling above, and then using a boxed frosting (boxed, not in a can, this book is OLD) and tinting some coconut with yellow food coloring and sprinkling it on top. I opted to go with just some whipped cream frosting like so:

1 cup whipping cream

1 Tbsp. Splenda

1 tsp. lemon extract

and it tasted great. I just whipped the above in the Kitchenaid until it looked like frosting and topped the cake with a few lemon drops.