tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-222611852009-07-10T09:24:52.043+01:00David Cameron gets on the interweb thingyJoe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-75825203190171186792009-07-10T09:20:00.002+01:002009-07-10T09:24:52.209+01:00

It is a sign of how modern and progressive the Conservatives are, that I have a bugger in my inner sanctum.There's a lot of pious posturing over Andy's criminality, but who among you would not do the same as he? And who among you would not do the same as I and stand by him, if he had some of the material on you that he has on me.

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-64369311590339662672009-06-23T08:35:00.002+01:002009-06-23T09:03:22.736+01:00

There are some mutterings among my colleagues as to whether John Bercow was a proper Conservative or not. The case against him is quite compelling: supporting disabled children, gay rights, democracy in Burma - these are far from normal Conservative interests. But this is not the whole story. In his defence, he is prone to correcting people's grammar under his breath as they speak.Of course it

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-19951205892127596532009-06-18T13:12:00.004+01:002009-06-18T13:18:46.664+01:00

We all know that shadow chancellor and first-rate mini me, George Osborne cares about getting value for public money. He cares so much about value for public money that he makes speeches on the subject. He cares so much about value for public money that he gets DVDs made of himself talking about value for public money.Now how to pay for those DVDs.... You have one guess.Yes, public money.Who

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-7633576722613514162009-05-28T14:18:00.003+01:002009-05-28T14:23:28.793+01:00

One thing I have in common with the common people such as vagrants, is not knowing from day to day where my homes are.So when asked if I had a fourth home, my best answer was “I don’t think so – not that I can think of.”Don't make me sound like a prat for not knowing how many houses I've got. That's my job.ht

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-59371998369711447282009-05-21T23:19:00.004+01:002009-05-22T00:18:12.431+01:00

I won't be throwing any breadcrumbs of comfort to Tory MP Peter Viggers, who claimed for a £1,645 duck house. No. His goose is cooked.I'm not going to get down off my high horse on this one. (You don't get down off a horse, you get down off a duck.) We can't keep swanning around charging this sort of thing to the taxpayer.How can I spin up the canard that this is all about Gordon Brown, that we

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-65420401523495543032009-05-13T19:46:00.004+01:002009-05-21T23:32:51.477+01:00

The people of Britain are rightly furious at the way we have been milking our expenses. So I am laying down the law to my party in an act of leadership. Conservative MPs will no longer be allowed to claim for:-swimming pools-tennis courts-chandeliers-servants (unless absolutely necessary)There. That should settle it. Anything but touch the subsidised mortgages which are the real money spinner.

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-63957521931718699762009-01-06T00:32:00.003Z2009-01-06T00:40:10.956Z

In order to stimulate the economy during a recession, it is always best to encourage people to stop spending money and save it instead. [Are you sure about this George?] And so we propose tax cuts for savers. Hooray.Now the naysayers among you might think that it would be a better stimulus if people went out and spent their money, that saving for a rainy day means spending those savings when you

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-81398695444151283362008-12-03T10:17:00.003Z2008-12-03T10:22:15.561Z

Great news. My pals over at the spectator agree that some of my shadow cabinet are cabinet material. Compare this with only a few years ago when none of the tory shadow cabinet were good enough.As for the rest of them. At least they make me look good by comparison. I love it.

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-79644377825695907132008-11-14T11:31:00.004Z2008-11-14T12:28:05.915Z

Wicked. It's time for change, innit?Bruvvers and sisters, my homie Mr Black Obama is the man. And soon I will be the man too.We can bring about real change in Washington and Westminster. A new broom, not an old hand. Can we fix it? Yes we can! Whether it is the south side of Chicago, or the dorm room at Eton (Slytherin house), we have our roots in the community. We two true blues could hardly be

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-2385812892483167012008-10-21T13:56:00.003+01:002008-10-21T14:15:20.235+01:00

My good friend, colleague, and all-round mini-me Gideon Osborne has this to say about the financial crisis:I didn't get where I am today without knowing that the house will burn down if you don't repair the roof while the sun is shining. I will not beat around the mulberry bush. Gordon Brown is responsible for this. He is the ugly duckling that prevented the goose from laying the golden egg.

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-90410049340238223582008-10-17T17:07:00.002+01:002008-10-17T17:18:33.092+01:00

Today I launch my fiercest criticism yet of Gordon Brown's role in causing the current financial crisis.Mr Brown's strategy has fundementally failed to fix the US sub-prime mortgage market. His regulation of the UK banking sector has been inadequate, and unchanged, despite our repeated calls to make it even more inadequate. [Is this right, George?]We need change to mend our broken economy. Labour

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-52135011067763712842008-10-01T16:38:00.005+01:002008-10-04T22:01:22.369+01:00

[Check against delivery]Thankyou. It is great to know that everybody in the party agrees with me. It is not often a party leader can be this smug, or a party this craven.Today we face a financial crisis. But we will not allow what happened in America to happen here. We will work with the government to pretend that we don't have a parliamentary system in which our "help" is no use.But we must not

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-61147251154788999252008-09-30T23:36:00.002+01:002008-09-30T23:56:46.678+01:00

At a time of financial crisis, we put aside our petty disputes, and form a team with our political opponents to tackle the crisis. I am determined that George Osborne and myself will contribute our ideas to the solution. Nick Clegg and Vince Cable too have their contribution to make. Vince of course was only chief economist at Shell, whereas George here was, er, is, er the Conservative shadow

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-34322644636729947612008-09-21T11:08:00.004+01:002008-09-25T17:28:35.017+01:00

The new Conservative Party can take much pride in having talked about the environment and adopting a tree logo. But enough is enough. Having done our bit, and frankly riding so high in the polls as we are, we can forget all that stuff, and revert to form. Mind you, we're not in government yet, so don't think you have seen the half of it.This is not of course our first u-turn on this issue. So now

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-49016867075720332008-07-08T16:39:00.004+01:002009-05-28T14:25:36.821+01:00

Politicians are too afraid to talk about moral issues today. And so we are facing an epidemic of knife, fork and spoon crime. And the poor. Don't get me started. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a poor man to enter the kingdom of heaven.Some people insist that morality is all about how you treat other people, that you should be free to eat and drink what you

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-6611863693569223612008-06-13T15:14:00.005+01:002008-06-13T15:38:56.658+01:00

Dear David,Thankyou for all the hard work you have given to this party all these years. We all admire your principled stance on 42 days. A courageous move, as Sir Humphrey would have said.It was perhaps a bit much for you to suggest that we should promise to repeal the measure once we are elected. You see that would be quite different. If we are in government, then more power for the state is all

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-62418441511128185702008-04-29T20:50:00.002+01:002008-04-29T20:52:48.390+01:00

Took the words out of my mouthwww.chickyog.net/2008/04/29/cameron-unwilling-to-keep-pmqs-vow/“I will absolutely hold up my hand…this is a promise I couldn’t be bothered to deliver,” the Tory leader said."I meant to say that bit under my breath...

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-82951625102937792712008-03-24T11:45:00.002Z2008-03-24T11:48:06.621Z

Now listen to me boys and girls, I have had enough of all this talk about my dangerous cycling.It is vitally important to the health of our democracy that a man can have a private life in the morning before he goes to work in Westminster. We shouldn't have to ask ourselves "shall I be leader of the Conservative Party this afternoon?" No indeed.

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-83336279138475968402007-10-29T22:25:00.000Z2007-10-29T22:37:01.030Z

Of course it was not meant to come out quite like that.My remark about one-legged lithuanian lesbians was not intended to convey and disrespect or hostility towards disabled people, lithuanians or lesbians in particular. No.You see the modern Conservative party does not, like the Conservative party of old, represent only the interests of some able-bodied, british public school educated,

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-16670368956011830522007-10-08T17:32:00.000+01:002007-10-08T17:49:29.140+01:00

...apparently. Some common school is frightfully upset about this. But I will say this to them. It could have been your school. That sort of thing happens all the time among the unwashed masses, I happen to know, it says so in the Daily Mail.And of course I know a thing or two about thuggery and vandalism myself. Perhaps this is the cause of the confusion. The boy in question was just angling for

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-75753867882679204722007-10-06T16:03:00.000+01:002007-10-08T18:21:46.091+01:00

OK there has been a lot of confusion recently about my speech. When I said that I would be making it up as I go along, I was not referring to the speech itself, which was of course well prepared as usual, but to conservative policies in general.By policies, I mean of course the positioning exercises and general mood music we use to test the water and refashion our image.I haven’t got an autocue

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-51363329952772874582007-10-03T14:08:00.000+01:002007-10-03T15:27:20.032+01:00

Two years ago I stood on this stage and gave a speech about why I wanted to lead the party. Now I want to lead the country.[10 minutes standing ovation]20 years ago I was inspired by a trip to Eastern Europe - the dull uniformity, the lack of freedom.Every generation of Conservatives has to make again the arguments for freedom, free markets and limited government, because the previous generation

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-17233091996242090782007-05-30T19:01:00.000+01:002007-05-30T19:21:14.727+01:00

As reported by the BBC, we intend to continue Blair's policy of reforming the public services, extending target culture and box-ticking to the furthest reaches of public services.We willIssue all junior policy advisers with envelopes and fag packets on which to devise new targets for public services they don't understandBring in new targets for the police, alongside quality payments for officers

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-50917014142557849852007-05-04T16:10:00.001+01:002008-10-02T12:01:58.685+01:00

I am delighted with the breakthoughs we have made in major northern cities such as Chester, Worksop and Todmorden. There were some, even in our party who thought that the northern cities might never forgive us for the relish with which Margaret ground them underfoot. But that is all over now.In Sheffield, where we made massive gains of minus one, building a platform for the general election,

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22261185.post-29876412141460492482007-05-01T16:21:00.000+01:002007-05-02T08:56:16.104+01:00

Why indeed. Let me tell you. Voting for us on May 3rd will maintain the rising tide of the Conservatives. It will give Blair a good kicking. It will give Brown a headache. It will give Ming something to think about. It will give me some reason to look and act as smug as I do.Never let it be said that I am a vacuous PR man, that when I open my mouth nothing of substance comes out, only comforting

Joe Ottenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18380362092159905533noreply@blogger.com0