CREATIVE LOAFING INSTITUTE

NUTTY NEWSFLASH...

2007-11-08T09:46:00.000-08:00

Bible-Belt residents and Bible-Thumpers the world over will be pleased to learn that lollygagging among the spiritually-inclined sexes is alive and well in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Things are looking up in the southern U.S., in spite of soaring fuel prices, a plummeting dollar, and too many witches out on Halloween this year.

According to Stephanie Simon of "The Charlotte (N.C.) Observer", life is pretty good there, after all, "men lead and women do laundry", (a common expression heard on the lush green campus of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary).

Apparently the students all agree that "God values men and women equally. ...It's just that he's given them different responsibilities: Men make decisions; women make dinner."

The internationally renowned Christian college has introduced classes in homemaking (open to co-eds only), which has proved infinitely more popular than the previous course on "History of Burnings at the Stake", (just kidding).

Domestic gods and gourmet goddesses will be keen to know that there will be lectures on the finer points of laundering stubborn stains and a lab session on baking chocolate-chip cookies, (without upsetting the Cookie Monster no doubt). Next year, the institution will be providing a model house to assist female students gain BA credits by learning how to set tables, sew on buttons, and sustain lively dinner-time conversation. This may come in handy for entertaining dimwits, dolts and dweebs not to mention other delightful dinner guests in the Whitehouse.

Note: Lollygaggers and leisure-lovers who are not into "heavenly home-making" might be well advised to tune into TV star and author, Nigella Lawson, the much touted British-made, gastro-porn Queen for helpful hints on how to make tasty tidbits for titillating encounters, (not covered in the seminary curriculum)!

CREATIVE LOAFING INSTITUTE - Fall Calendar 2007

2007-08-02T05:33:00.000-07:00

THE CREATIVE LOAFING INSTITUTE - Fall Calendar 2007

This being "The Year of the Pig" according to Chinese astrologers, we have a number of courses that will leave you tickled pink or make you go 'oink', 'oink' if you're so inclined.

Here's a sneek peek at what's in store for those who're bored stiff with life in the barnyard:

BLOGGING FOR BEGINNERS (BFB-101)
-- One hour session (with four times and days to choose from).
-- Content: Give your creative genes a chance to come out and play! Sign up for a brief introduction to online writing tools, photos, portfolio and resume preparation. Small class size maximum 5 participants. Computers provided, you provide your own fingers!)
-- Cost: $10.00
-- Monday, September 17 - 10:00 am - 11:00 am, 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm
-- Wednesday, September 19 - 10:00 am - 11:00 am, 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm
-- Place: T.B.A., Victoria, BC
-- Registration & Information: contrarian[at]shaw.ca

LENSES FOR LOLLYGAGGERS (LFL-101)
-- Two hour session (with four times and days to choose from).
-- Content: Tickle your funnybone or shamelessly promote yourself using a computer! Introduction to simple ways to make mini-blogs that may make you moolah. Small class size, maximum 5 participants. Computers provided, you provide your own fingers!)
-- Cost: $20.00
-- Tuesday, September, 18 - 10:00 - 12:00 noon, 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
-- Thursday, September 20 - 10:00 - 12:00 noon, 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
-- Place: T.B.A. Victoria, BC
-- Registration & Information: email: contrarian[at]shaw.ca /

TRY OUT TIDDLYWINKS (TOT-101)
-- One hour introductory session over a warm cup of coffee, tea and a boffo bun!
-- Cost: $5.00
-- 10:00 am, Friday, September 21
-- Place: T.B.A., Victoria, BC
-- Registration & Information: email: contrarian[at]shaw.ca

TIME TO PLAY ON PLANET PERPLEX

2007-01-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

Or, how to have a virtually good time!

By Theolonius McTavish, a perplexing person who adores enigmatic ephemera and why not!

A funny thing happened on the way to the zoo, or maybe it was the dentist office ...both of which fighten me.

To make a short story long and shaggy just to drive my friends and family a tad insane, I discovered a wonderful website called Planet Perplex (situated somewhere in the universe of unfathonable and what some have dubbed undeniably useless undertakings).

More organized than the "Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor", less intoxicating than the "seas of Santraginus V, where the fish never seem to care whatever the heck kind of direction they swim in" but certainly part of what is technically known as the "WSOGM, or Whole Sort of General Mish Mash".

This odd little body floating around in the ethernet of eccentricites offers a great deal of latitude for loafers. For artsy-fartsy lollygaggers there's all manner things to keep their nerves firing on all cylanders like optical illusions, ambiguous arrangements, impossible images, pesky puzzles, subliminal sensations, not to mention ambigrams for the addlepated.

Frankly, there's never a dull moment in the life of the idle-fingered folk. All we really need to know is that the universe is a lot more complicated than the average air-head, lip-glossed lollygaggers, or the been-there-done-thats might think!

___________

For those who want to know more about hapless happenings in the universe, pick up a copy of Douglas Adams' "fifth book in the increasingly inaccurately named Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy", a rather fine audio rendition of Mostly Harmless.

Thumbnail photo of an optical 3-D illusion by well-known British chalk-artist, Julian Beever.

DASHING DOODLERS WANTED!

2007-01-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

Or, slackers please step up and submit your sketches to "The Shapetionary"!

Contributed by: The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity, need you ask more.

2007 is destined to be a dandy year...especially if you're a golden pig (according to Chinese astrology).

For those who do not fall into the category of swish swine, perhaps you would care to try your hand at doodling, drawing, or the next best thing, pencil pushing.

It seems that the folks in "God's Country" (Ontario), and Toronto (hogtown) in particular, are seeking contributions from the hoi polloi to a unique project entitled, The Shapetionary".

Those who are intimidated by the thought of connecting the dots, painting by numbers, or technical rendering will be relieved to know, these skills are not required. Bashful book worms are encouraged to consider coming out of the closet with a drawing instrument in hand. Ability to read and comprehend the meaning of random nouns in the English language would be an asset, as each "artiste", (and 1,200 - 1,500 are needed), will be asked to illustrate one word.

Those interested in contributing to this anatomically-correct art project being organized by Toronto artist Mary Flood of Terminus 1525 online studio, please email velvetbicycle@hotmail.com and you will be sent a short list of words to graphically grind out (along with complete instructions).

Good luck all you grammarian-impaired and graphically-challenged gurus!

SLACKER SABBATICALS

2007-01-10T10:49:00.000-08:00

Or, why the world of work needs a new lease on life

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Dean of Do-Nothing at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Great Snoring (Norfolk).

Rather than expend oodles of energy running around in little circles every day or entering competitive corporate rat race challenges, the world would be better off if workers had the opportunity to perambulate, putter or piddle about as they pleased.

The author of the book "Workers of the World RELAX" certainly has the right idea! Sack all your stuff and maybe take a "Slacker Sabbatical" while you're at it.

Rather than whimpering or whining about all the work that's piling up on your desk, you might want to consider taking a road less-travelled. Why not Take Back Your Time by reclaiming dinnertime!

JUST DO NOTHING!

2006-12-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

Or, how to change your life by doing absolutely zip, zilch or zero!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, former Dean of Do-This-Do-That at the University of Useless Undertakings, and now part-time Professor of Glee & Whee at the Creative Loafing Institute where he spends most of his time dabbling, dawdling, or dangling modifers.

Many of my former students who have joined the ranks of the rat race have prevailed upon me for some glib guidance as to how to achieve success and smell the roses at the same time --without wasting too much precious brain energy, including having to remember when to water a chia pet.

Thankfully there is an answer in the form of a tiny titillating tome by Karen Salmansohn, aptly titled, "How to Change Your Entire Life By Doing Absolutely Nothing - 10 D0-Nothing relaxation Exercises to Calm You Down Quickly So You Can Speed Forward Faster".

Worrywarts the world over will be pleased to hear that relief comes by clearing away clutter from the cortex. This means doing absolutely nothing. In fact, doing nothing about anything allows one to forget about fretting and fidgeting or figuring out what switches to switch, what levers to press, or heaven forbid, even what lovers to leave.

Rest assured dear readers, that you will also have the added benefit of knowing that none of the pages are numbered. This is a great relief to those who are bored with counting their chickens before they hatch or counting sheep to get them to sleep. All of which makes this iconic item a perfect self-help pocketbook for someone else's Little Loo Library.

So take a whee break and pick up a copy of this bodacious book of bunkum! And may the Force of Zip Be With You Ever More!!

OH BALDERDASH -- IT'S A BUNCH OF BALONEY!

2006-11-20T07:05:00.000-08:00

Or, here's the whole ball of wax on balderdash

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle and Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery at the Creative Loafing Institute, where people who like to putter and play do so, just for the heck of it!

The Society of Sacred Cows & Flattering Fairytales has recently published an authoritative article on flamboyant food for thought entitled "What Would the World Be Without Big Cheeses, Big Tunas and Big Whoppers?"

With so much emphasis on "bigger is better", it is not surprising that skeptics see things quite differently. Not impressed with "size matters", be it lattes or legumes, their typical response to all the hullabaloo about a rare sighting of the humongous heffalump, is "balderdash".

All of which brings me to one interesting bit of titillating trivia, no less than 806,000 web pages devoted to "balderdash", (a word meaning any form of speech or writing considered to be nonsensical or trivial in nature).

It's a pity that "Balderdash" is a nifty-sounding noun of unknown origin, (although apparently it found favor with fiddle-faddle folk dating back to the early 16th century). Frankly, being an orphaned orthographic oddity, is probably not much fun, unless one considers just how many uses one can find for this word.

There's a board-game and a game-show by the same name, not to mention a BBC television series entitled "Balderdash & Piffle" highlighting all manner of hilarious hokum associated with hunting for the origin of a lost lexicon.

A sample of boffo books available on the scintillating subject of balderdash include:

-- Balderdash by Edward T. Hering
-- Balderdash! by Jerry Warshaw
-- Balderdash Ballads by J.R. Monsell
-- Balderdash Game by Tsr Staff
-- Boom, Cash & Balderdash - A Different Look at Fairbanks During Pipeline Construction by Jerry Fears
-- Mostly Balderdash by Don Harvey
-- Politics, Barbecues & Balderdash by John Cole
-- The Varieties of Balderdash by Neil Postman
-- Verities & Balderdash (Sheet Music Book) by Harry Chapin

And, it's quite amazing the number of books that have been called "all balderdash", "bottomed balderdash", "clinical balderdash", "critical balderdash", "dangerous balderdash", "full of balderdash", "generally balderdash", "moralistic balderdash", "'New Age' balderdash", "political balderdash", "pure balderdash", "ridiculous balderdash", "sheer balderdash", "sociable balderdash", "spheroids of balderdash", "unmitigated balderdash, "utter balderdash" not to mention "water faucet balderdash".

Now the only question left is, what's the difference between "balderdash" and baloney, a bill of goods, blather, bull, bunk, bunkum, codswallop, claptrap, drivel, flapdoodle, flimflam, flotsam and jetsom, gibberish, gobbledygook, hot air, hocus-pocus, hogwash, hokum, hooey, malarkey, mumbo-jumbo, piffle, poppycock, poppylarky, prattle, a snow job, trifle, tripe, and twaddle?

LIFE LESSON #142: BEWARE OF BABBLING BUFFOONS WHO WALK WITH BIG BOOKS UNDER THEIR ARMS.

CALORIE-COUNTING CREATIVE LOAFERS

2006-09-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

Or, ever wondered how many calories one burns while sauntering, snoozing, or smacking one’s lips together for eight hours?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or lounging about in the company of oneself or other like-minded folk)

Creative Loafers and their kindred spirits, also called “fit wits”, will be pleased to learn that calories can be burned off in many interesting ways.

As a matter of fact, there’s no need to lift weights, run one’s buns off, or swim 100 lengths of the pool every day. The good news is that practically anything one does such as catching a bit of shut-eye, twiddling one’s thumbs, or whistling a happy tune burns calories off.

For calorie-conscious creative loafers, here’s a list of activities guaranteed to expend a little energy if one feels inclined to impress one's family, friends or the folks next door.

Riding a bicycle (built for one), going at a speed of 4 mph, will burn five calories per minute; if that’s too strenuous…try hopping on a tricycle or a unicycle!

Standing at a slot machine for eight hours, trying to match those frigging little lemons, oranges and cherries all in a row without losing one’s sanity or burning a large hole in one’s pocket or purse will probably expend 1,402 calories before the day is over.

Walking at a slow pace all day long, (less than 2mph), whether at work or simply puttering will burn off 1,219 calories, as will driving a car around for eight hours looking for a senior with short-term memory-loss or finding a fast-food franchise that serves low-carb cookies and lactose-free milk with one’s latte.

Typing on a computer, decorating a festive Ho-Ho-Ho Tree, sitting at meetings and flapping one’s gums, or simply sitting on one’s tush and talking with clients for eight hours, will use up 914 calories.

Sleeping for eight hours, (provided one is a mere 160 lbs. or so), will knock off 549 calories.

Watching TV, responding to e-mails, or reading one’s favorite book will count for 50 calories... a rather arduous form of mental gymnastics just to lop off one pound of cellulite!

And, for those vacuous vegetarians who can’t wait to get their hands on an 8-inch stalk of celery so their chompers and stomach acid can work their magic, they’ll be pleased to know that it requires more than six calories to digest this tasteless piece of stringy stuff.

The moral to this story of muscle musing is not to sweat the small stuff! And remember, “Life is a great big garden, so why not dig it…and forget all about that calorie-counting!”

__________

For those creative loafers who are really keen on counting calories ... take a peek at this site: http://www.bodybuilding.com/

FALL FUN FARE

2006-09-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

Calling all creative characters!

By Victoria Elizabeth, Grande Poohbesse of the Creative Living Institute, in beautiful downtown Victoria ... home to garden gnomes, giggling gadflies, and far too many Canada geese.

Another fall season of fun and frolic begins!

For those who don't give a sweet tweet about learning another foreign language (unless it's Pig Latin), mastering the latest version of computerized communication (unless it's full of empathetic emoticons ;-), or how to motivate a herd of happy-challenged heffalumps (unless there's a honey-pot and booby-hatch nearby), listen up!

Frankly it's time to toss the "to-do" list and find something infinitely more enjoyable than work, or anything that looks like heavy-duty thinking and doing.

So why not take a boisterous break from boredom or fruitless fretting for pity's sake! Kick up your heels and join a growing list of creative loafers who simply adore gadding about town and going nowhere in particular at break-neck speed. A leisurely pace is more like it!

Here are a few things to whet your appetite, satisfy your creative urges, and while away your time in a very pleasant way:

WANTED: BLABBERS & BLOGGERS to snack, sip & swap stories! 10:00 am, Sat. Sept. 30, Ogden Pt. Cafe (at the Breakwater - 199 Dallas Road.)

This group is open to all levels and types of electronic writing. It will meet-up monthly, (the last Saturday of each month at 10:00 am, at Ogden Point Cafe) to chew the fat, chase the blues away, and chortle about all manner of interesting things having to do with on-line journaling, writing etc.

Price of admission is a sip of something or a light snack -- whatever strikes your fancy and your budget.

Note: Keep your eyes peeled for "Dick Danger", (OPC Manager who is known to dash about thither and yon, without so much as a glow-in-the-dark hat or neon warning sign on his back)!

* * *

MIRTH & MUNCH - Share your passions at a Creative Confab. 10:00 am, Mon. Sept. 25, Ogden Pt. Cafe (Breakwater).

Creatives including actors, artists, crafters, dancers, muscians, playwrights, photograhers, sculptors, writers and other performers are invited to share their passions and unique journey with like-minded people.

It his hoped that this weekly gathering of glee-gurus and glad-handers, taking place in such a positive atmosphere, will encourage support for one another as well as inspire new works of art to enhance the community.

Participants are invited to pick up their favorite beverage or perhaps some of those sumptuous snacks served at the Ogden Point Cafe. (Note: A big thank you goes out to the owners of the OPC who have consistently and generously supported Victoria's artistic community over the years, including the Feast of Fools last year!)

* * *

And do stay tuned for more Egads & Entertaining Events in 2006!

FEE FIGH FOE FUM FALL CLASSES

2006-09-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

BRUTES & BOZOS BEWARE!

Registration for UBER UNIVERSITEASE courses must be completed by Monday, September 11, 2006.
The complexity and difficulty level of contents means that class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.
All classes begin on Monday, September 18, 2006.

COURSE SYLLABUS AND TIMETABLE

Class 1: How To Fill Up Ice Cube Trays.
--- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday & Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
--- Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 noon for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
--- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 a.m. for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor.
--- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 p.m. for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
--- Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 6: Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote Control Device To Your Significant Other.
--- Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 p.m.

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
--- Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
--- Graphics and Audio Tapes.Three nights - Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
--- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 p.m.; location to be determined.

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
--- Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother & Wife.
--- Online Classes and Role-playing. Tuesday at 7:00 p.m., location to be determined.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
--- Relaxation Exercises, Meditation & Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours, beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
--- Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What It Is? How It Is Used?
--- Live Demonstration.Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 15: A Word About Air Freshners - It May Be Fun to Fart Around At Work Without Any Consequences, But At Home It's Another Matter --- Theory Session, field trip to the local supermarket to select cost-effective, environmentally-friendly fragrances and practical demonstration on their use in confined spaces. Thursday at 7:00 p.m.

NOTES

1. POTENTIAL PARTICIPANTS: Upon completion of any of the above accredited courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

2. All courses offered by the fully-accredited Uber Universitease come with self-centered, self-help audio and video tapes or high-definition dude DVDs for the patriarchically-challenged or self-described "non-people persons".

__________

Contributed by a cackling Creative Loafer named Renie, (a retired university Professor of English now residing in Victoria, British Columbia).

TIME FOR JOY

2006-04-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

Or, never forget how to engage and enjoy life!

By Patience Pantperhog, a peripatetic putz with a nose for addlepated adventure, things that make one go “cowabunga!” and people with a spunky and playful spirit who don’t take themselves all that seriously

A recent U.S. statistical report indicated that people typically spend on average 8.5 days per month commuting to work, and 47 hours a year in traffic jams (up from 40 hours a decade earlier).

If that’s true, (and there’s no reason to think otherwise unless you’re one of those nitpicky nosey-parker testy types with an axe to grind), then the real question is just what do folks do to occupy their time in the slow lane of life?

Some fret and fume frantically, while others harangue or harrumph hopelessly about “spinning their wheels and going nowhere fast”. Of course there are a precious few, like the “creative loafing crowd”, who seem to take life as it comes.

Leisure-minded lads and ladies plus little lollygaggers can usually be found building lemonade stands when inundated with the yellow citrus fruit all over their front lawns, or buying bigger umbrellas, longer hip waders and posh pet beds when it’s raining cats and dogs.

Perhaps there’s a lesson or two to be learned from “creative loafers”:

1. Live life to the fullest everyday – find something positive in every situation and person you meet, feel your own rhythm, and explore your reason for being here.

2. Discover your true passion and then do what you love to do; it’s the only way to experience peace of mind not to mention happiness beyond your wildest dreams.

3. Celebrate everything – because after all, you’re the hero or heroine of your very own story; take a little time to honor every accomplishment be it big or small.

4. Be around fun people whenever you can; their joyful spirit is to known to add just enough levity to life to defy the force of gravity when it really counts.

5. Share your gifts and talents as well as your light and warmth with everyone; be ready to entertain, encourage and comfort them, and last but not least, be open to receiving the precious gifts and treasures that others may have to offer.

By the way, every creative loafer knows that fun and frolic can be enjoyed anytime, anywhere. Life is never boring when you smell roses, collect fairy stones or four leaf clovers, and have a stash of luscious lollypops nearby, appropriately named "Sugar Daddies", "Sweetie Pies" or "Tootsie Treats"!

ERGASOPHOBIA

2006-04-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

Or, how come I never heard of that word before?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or just hanging out in a lackadaisical or lounging manner in the company of oneself or other like-minded folk)

Being an egghead sometimes has its advantages …like having a piece of software or a 1930’s cartoon character named after you, and a place to hang your mortarboard when impressing fanciful first-year college students.

On the other hand, being an egghead conjures up negative images like folks with pithy pointed heads, horned rimmed glasses, and a prominent protuberance pinched between one too many pages of posterity.

So rather than debate the merits of how many fairies are dancing on the head of a pin like many of my esteemed colleagues at the Creative Loafing Institute, I have found that devoting myself to an appreciation of a little known state of affairs called “ergasophobia” to be infinitely more entertaining.

For those niggardly need-to-know types, “ergasophobia” has nothing to do with a popular pastime among tiny tots, macho males in elevators, and a taboo topic at the dinner table -- … the full-bodied and unmuffled release of fetid flatus.

“Ergasophobia” should not be confused with another “e”-inspired form of dis-ease known as “erythrophobia”, (a fear of blushing), or its close cousin, “eremophobia” (fear of being oneself or of loneliness).

Perhaps it’s about time to kill the suspense and just inform everyone just why “ergasophobia” deserves any sort of attention in the great scheme of things.

Those who enjoy snoozing, schlepping about, or sipping on something strong and full-bodied (whatever that may be), will probably have a predisposition towards “ergasophobia”. Likewise, those who have a passion for twiddling their thumbs, tapping their toes, or whistling a witty tune while watching the world go by will undoubtedly be all too familiar with “ergasophobia”.

Worker bees, head honchos, and platitudinous politicians will probably declare "ergasophobia" to be the single-most destructive disease to afflict the 21st century hives of industry and innovation. No less than 15,000 web pages are devoted to this malady more often known by its shirking symptoms, thither and yon thinking processes, or lackadaisical lissome lifestyle that is not conducive to any form of work, (be it physical or mental).

While pill-pushing potentates invest millions in powerful potions designed to put folks to sleep or wake them up, there are many who stubbornly refuse to practice the Protestant work ethic, who throw their “Think & Do” books aside, and with a smile simply toss their “to do” lists, cell-phones, and laptops in the drink.

So, while some may have been labeled by economists, eggheads, and employers as loafers, lollygaggers, or laggards…perhaps these folks something to teach the rest of us. Maybe they have found the best way to spend every moment ...in the joy of being here right now… without fear of the past or the future, and more importantly, a willingness to let go and by doing so -- find their place in the flow of life.

ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT LOAFERS

2006-04-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

Or, stuff you probably don’t know in the great scheme of things

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or just hanging out in a lackadaisical or lounging manner in the company of oneself or other like-minded folk)

“Loafers”, well let’s see if you didn’t know what they were, there are 5,760,000 web pages devoted to this seven-lettered word in the English language.

Those who can’t find their funnybones, or perhaps have misplaced their joy of life, believe that loafers are synonymous with Protestant-work-ethic-challenged members of society such as beachcombers, good-for-nothings, goldbrickers, idlers, lazybones, malingerers, ne’er-do-wellers, shirkers, ski-bums, slackers, wanderers and wastrels. “Loafers” they suggest have a lot in common with members of the animal kingdom who occupy lower rungs on the food chain of life such as lizards, slugs or sloths.

Often removing one’s blessed blinkers puts things into perspective. A quick glance at web pages highlighting “Loafers” reveals some interesting facts:

The “Loafers Beach Club” in North Carolina offers a hoot of a time for shagging shindiggers who like to wink at the dj, tap their toes to live music, or trip the light fantastic like Fred Astaire?

"The Penny Loafers”, a premier rock and pop coed cappella group hailing from the University of Pennsylvania, who can certainly belt out a tune or two to keep folks happy!

All manner of fetish-footwear and sole-inspired spirits take great delight in trying on those low, leather-step in shoes called “loafers” (that resemble moccasins) because they’re oh so classy, comfy and cozy!

And then there’s the “Loafers Glory”, (a clog-dancing group of women based in Ashville, North Carolina who love to perform a unique dance style from the Northwest part of England including such dances as the “Godley Hill”, “Knutsford” and their very own “French Broad”!)

If you missed the mirth-filled movie called “Vagabond Loafers” (1949), you can grab a copy at the video store and see the antics of “The Three Stooges” as ‘Day & Night’ plumbers called out to a fancy mansion where a party’s going on…need we say more!

And last but not least, why not send a merry missive off to a “MySpace” Maven named “Loafer”, (who says she’s 102 years old, lives in Chicago, Illinois, wears high heels, and has fast wheels not to mention a pocket full of cash!)

So, there you are ...a treasury of tidbits about "loafers".

Now all you need to do is lighten up, kick back, and explore the leisure-inspired world of "loafers". Frankly, it’s the best way I know how to relieve stress, keep party-poopers at bay, and stop funk-oriented family and friends from raining on one's parade!

WANTED: COURT JESTERS & FOOLS!

2006-04-01T07:17:00.000-08:00

Or, …if you hear laughter, you’re definitely not in heaven!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, PhD (pretty hopeless dingbat) who occupies a place of honor in The Creative Loafing Institute as Dean of Dross & Drollery, and he's also the Occasional Chairperson of the Cheerful Chinwag & Chortle Department (whenever the spirit moves him)

Nearly 121 million web pages are devoted to the humble “fool” with but a mere 7,290,000 dedicated to his opposite, the “wise man”. One might assume therefore that fools outnumber wise men by a ratio of 17 to 1, but one might be wrong.

Considering the fact that in the 13th century court jesters played a vital role in royal affairs, these once indispensable positions died however with the demise of King Charles I in 1649. It seems that Oliver Cromwell’s republican supporters thought it looked like a good idea at the time. Little did they know that when the monarchy was restored eleven years later, regrettably the role of the court jester was not resurrected. (Perhaps that was because a strong belief in God, the Holy Trinity and a surplus of angels was more useful than the frivolous remarks of a fool with a title.)

Today the fool has been relegated to the back of one card in Tarot Card deck. Clearly, there are few opportunities for fools to find their rightful place in a world full of logic, reason, and practical solutions to every problem under the sun.So just what might a help wanted classified ad for a fool say today?

Help Wanted: A consummate cully who is willing to fall in love with every new product or service on the market, and then part with his or her money easily!

Wanted Immediately: A mirthful person who owns an outfit with bells, is prepared to carry a bladder on a stick if required, and is willing to be the butt of everyone’s jokes as well as provide entertainment spontaneously when called upon to do so by the powers that be if you please.

Exceptional Career Opportunity: A Corporate Jester who’s willing to do the undoable, think the unthinkable, say the unsayable, and last but not least, drive the organization bonkers with oodles of creative folly!

True fools understand that their journey of jocularity demands that they travel light, for they know not where they are going or what they’re supposed to be doing.By exercising their sense of curiosity, they have no fear of asking silly questions like: “Why is that elephant sitting in the living room?”, “Why is the Emperor wearing no clothes?” or “Who says it can't be done?”

Those with a mission of mirth and merriment know that their only purpose in life is to go out and enjoy the world. For their sole passion is just to see what there is to see and delight in all of it …without any preconceived notions or expectations about anything or anyone.

No need for “fool-proof” plans or fear of looking like a fool; because fools are always true to themselves and their calling! These light-hearted souls enjoy exploring the mysteries of life. And their candor not to mention their creativity in dealing with conundrums make them grateful guests at any grassroots giggle gathering.

So, without further ado: "A toast to fools the world over – may they entertain, educate and enliven our journey through life!"

WHAT IS CREATIVE LOAFING?

2006-03-29T11:49:00.000-08:00

Or, if you have to ask...you probably aren't doing it!

By Theolonius McTavish, a committed creative catnapper, a irreverent icon of idling, and a very smooth schmoozer, (especially with a margarita in one hand, my bronze body in a deck-chair, and my toes in the water)

I stumbled across an on-line article today on "workaholism", (as I was merrily making my way toward the kitchen in my trapdoor pj's at 11:00 am, just in the nick of time for my fourth cup of caffeine).

While "workaholism" has been described as "the addiction that society applauds", engaging in any form of loitering, lollygagging, or leisure is generally frowned upon by pundits, professionals and politicians.

Nearly 237,000 web pages are devoted to the ravages of "workaholism", while it's solution, "creative loafing" (with almost 1,370,000 internet web pages devoted to the topic), is rarely mentioned as an effective remedy by accredited heath care professionals, spiritual counsellors, or educators.

And, while some who suffer from "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" that often accompany their need to serve others or to do more than is humanly possible to receive their 'brownie points', others enrol in 12-step recovery programs to rid them of their evil ways. On the other hand, "creative loafers" have learned to accept life just the way it is and to enjoy it to the fullest.

Creative loafing implies a willingness to let go of all the "shoulds" in one's life, toss the "to do" list in the nearest refuse receptacle, and to focus on "being" as opposed to "doing".

Creative loafing means being comfortable with yourself and with life itself...without the need to justify anything or to change anyone). It means not being afraid to experience the rich tapestry of one's inner as well as outer landscape.

There is definitely something to be said for "going with the flow". Just as the nursery rhyme suggests perhaps one might forget about "waiting for Godot" and simply "row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, because "life" truly "is but a dream."

So, quit complaining about how hard it is to paddle upstream, or even why you're up a creek without a paddle in the first place! "Wake up and smell the roses", listen to the birds chirping, and then when the stars come out at night, use them to guide you to your true passion or purpose in life.

First, if you're having a hard time figuring out what to do, why not ask your favorite figure in history, a cartoon character, or perhaps a matinee idol, "how would you tackle this situation"? If that doesn't work -- write your predicament down on a piece of paper, roll it up and tie a bow around it, and drop it in a "pitty pot". Now you can do some "dilemma dumpster diving" or maybe trade your problem for someone else's!

Second, climb into your own skin for a change, and listen to your "inner imp" who's eager to come out and play. (This little leprechaun really couldn't give a hoot about what the neighbors will think, or for that matter what your boss and/or colleagues at work might say or do)!

And last of all, smile and let your hair down. Why not cherish your own light, gifts and talents and become the hero of your very own story! When you do that, you'll recognize the light, gifts, and talents of others and be willing to share them along life's highways and byways...because that's what "creative loafing" is all about.

WE'RE NOT THE ONLY FOOLS IN TOWN!

2006-03-28T08:56:00.000-08:00

Or, where's all the fooforaw?

By Theolonius McTavish, a quirky Celt who's trying to find the lippy little leprechaun who waltzed off with his collection of four-leaf clovers, a shoebox full of rabbit feet, and his stash of magic mushrooms.

Victoria, (the capital of British Columbia), is home to many things including a wax museum, a bug zoo, and a lovely Disneyland-like light show held every night (at taxpayers' expense) on the grounds of the legislature.

It is also home to a grab-bag of gaffers and giggle-minded folk who simply adore defying gravity with their own version of levity and light-hearted entertainment.

The Creative Loafing Institute recognizes the important creative contribution made by other lollygaggers and leisure-inspired individuals who make this city one of Canada's most commodious if not quaint "cultural capitals".

So, for those with oodles of time on their hands, a sense of curiosity, and some funny money in their pockets, do drop by and take in a bit of jolly good cheer provided by Victoria's sometimes irreverently-inspired artists, musicians, and thespians.

Atomic Vaudeville - Apparently this "theatrical throw-down", knee-slapping troupe of titillating titbits can charm the pants off practically everyone they meet...(which is probably why they have a puckish prevention program called 'Adopt An Actor'). Their shows have included such hee-haw hits like: Fora's Funhouse, Redneck Revival, and The Gayest Show on Earth.

Four Seasons Musical Theatre - This gem is devoted to nourishing the inner imp in everyone, no matter what age or station in life. Family fun and frolic often includes some jolly sing-alongs which keep the actors, writers and composers hopping in this company.

Impromaniacs - This gaggle of gigglers has been keeping crowds in stitches since 1989 performing at Fringe events not to mention establishing their own improv show, "The Victoria International Improv Festival" (to be held in Victoria this year from September 28 - 30, 2006 at Intrepid Theatre's Metro Studio.)

Intrepid Theatre - Producer of Canada's oldest one-person theatre full of high-voltage whackadoo acts the Uno Festival of Solo Performance (May 24-June 4, 2006), the ever popular puckish performances provided by many talented titillators at the Victoria Fringe Theatre Festival (August 24-September 4), and last but not least, the Intrepid Petri Dish New Play Contest.

Langham Court Theatre + The Victoria Theatre Guild & Dramatic School - The roots of this group lie in miming and masquerade, a popular performance genre in the late 1920's. Now one of the city's best known performance theatres, it plays host to a variety of vintage vignettes and delightful ditties -- nearly 3,000 performance of more than 500 shows to over 250,000 patrons.

Play With Your Food - This eatery-come-entertainment establishment is located in a downtown "déclassé" droll booth, (owned by by a couple of part-time hams -- Dean Christy and Bill Johnston). It offers an eclectic selection of original witty work and occasionally the group borrows from some very bodacious if not belly-laughing burlesque shows! Dean is also quick to add that while this city may be a cultural capital of Canada but, "the only active culture in Victoria is found in the yogurt at Thrifty's" (according to an interview appearing in the Times Colonist, Saturday, March 25, 2006).

Spilt Milk Comedy - Besides offering much needed comic relief in what has been termed a "hot air" and "trial balloon" city, (in which the well-padded seat of government is situated), they also provide a wide variety of custom-designed comedy workshops and corporate events.

Thirty Cent Players - Founded in January 2005, these potty personalities perform live every Thursday night in front of tankards and tipplers at Belle's Bar on Yates Street, where they host you guessed it... "Thirsty Beaver Comedy Night" (produced by Three Schooner Productions).

Theatre Inconnu - As Victoria's longest producing alternative theatre company, it is known for its innovative approach to the classics as seen in the "Faust Fest" and "One Man Hamlet" shows, and its high-profile annual summer Shakespeare Festival production.

Throw Us A Line Improv - This fiddlesticks and fooforaw group has performed in weekly comedy nights at the James Bay Inn, but now has taken up ripsnorting residence at Sopranos Karoake & Sports Bar in the Traveller's Inn, 1961 Douglas Street. So trot down one Wednesday evening to see them tossing their tacky lines back and forth or just taking tit-for-tat from a fesity floorshow audience.

___________

Apparently there's also something called The StandUp Comedy Feast that's been going on for more than two decades, but if you didn't catch their last foolish food for thought at Murph's Pub on Douglas Street...you might want to try their fun-with-food booking agent.

The above list represents but a smattering or at best a smidgen of what this city has to offer residents and visitors alike. Pick up a copy of Victoria's weekly mmm...good guide to entertainment in the city, Monday Magazine or Victoria News for more event details.

A FOOL'S PARADISE IN CANADA?

2006-03-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

Or, if fools rush in where angels fear to tread, then where do they usually hang their hat when they're not falling in love or parting with their money?

By Theolonius McTavish, a jest-in-time news junkie, who spends far too much time seeking pots of gold at the end of rainbows, kissing blinking blarney stones without too much luck, and commiserating over the lack of four-leaf clovers in his field of dreams!

Well, April Fools' Day is drawing near. While "every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day and wisdom consists of not exceeding that limit", April 1st is one day when we can truthfully say that the sky is the limit for playing the fool!

So, what better occasion than now to find out just where all those Canadian class-clowns and comics call home.

A quick glance at a Mirth Map of Canada suggests there may be a whole lot of tomfoolery going on in the following places:

Chin or Community Punch Bowl (Alberta)
Loos or Ta Ta Creek (British Columbia)
Button or Finger (Manitoba)
Dipper Harbour or Five Fingers (New Brunswick)
Cow's Lick or Leading Tickles West (Newfoundland & Labrador)
Thumb's Island (Northwest Territories)
Dingwall or Ecum Secum (Nova Scotia)
Belcher Islands or Zebra Mountain (Nunavut)
Funnybone Lake or Punkeydoodles Corners (Ontario)
Oyster Bed Bridge or Uigg (Prince Edward Island)
Baie des Ha! Ha! or Funny Lake (Quebec)
Limerick or Smuts (Saskatchewan)
Snafu Creek and Snag (Yukon Territories)

On second thought, maybe it's a good idea to stay far away from a "fool's paradise". And if you're not sure where that it is, just follow Will Roger's advice - it's the spot where "everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."

_________

And don't forget to join the rest of the foolish food for thought folks in Victoria, BC on April Fools' Day at Ogden Point Cafe (near the Breakwater)!

FEAST OF FOOLS RETURNS TO VICTORIA!

2006-03-25T18:06:00.000-08:00

By Fannie Fortunata, Cut-and-Paste Coordinator at the Creative Loafing Institute, a fully accredited fool-proof establishment offering programs for those wishing to find their funnybones or those keen on cracking their wishbones while waiting for Godot to arrive (and tell them why they’re waiting, who's coming, what to do, where to go, when to show up, and how to decide if they’ve arrived wherever they’re supposed to be going in the great scheme of all things big and small ...or perhaps anywhere in between if that’s okay with everyone)

Fools everywhere will be pleased to hear that the annual “Feast of Fools” festivity is alive and well in Victoria, British Columbia.

In keeping with the best traditions of high jinks, jestering or jokering not to mention blithe bowls of cherries and jolly good fun, the Creative Loafing Institute is inviting everyone to a grass-roots gleeful gathering on Saturday, April 1st 2006.

“Dick Danger”, Manager of Malapropisms and Mirthful Meals, at the Ogden Point Café (where the glad-handing gambol will take place), is keen to let everyone know what’s in store in the way of delightful dishes and droll desserts.

Giggling guests will have a wide assortment of amusing items to choose from on April Fools’ Day. The menu of mirth and merriment will feature a few frivolous things for frolicsome folks who have difficulty mincing their words, but do enjoy munching on merry mouthfuls as long as no one is correcting them on their tacky table manners.

Boisterous Beverages:

Bird Brain Beer, Clodplate Coolers, Cackling Cappuccino, Egad Espresso, Fizzy Whizzes, Ho Ho Ho Hot Chocolate, Jolly Juices, Loopy Latte, Schlepping Ciders, Titillating Teas, Wiseacre Wine, (and last but not least), Whoopee Water

Amusing Appetizers:

Chortling Chicken Wings, Nincompoop Nachos & Nibbles, Chortling Chicken Wings, Prankster Potato Skins, and Sassy Spring Rolls

Merry Main Courses:

Laughingstock Lasagna, Nitwit Noodles, Quipping Quiches, Saucy Side-Salads, Snickering Sandwich & Soup Combos, Posh Piggies-in-A-Blanket, Witty Whatnots

Diversionary Desserts:

Babbling Bars, Buffo Bread Pudding, Chuckling Cheesecakes, Crackpot Cookies, Comical Crisps, Peek-a-boo Pies, Raucous Rice Pudding, Simple Simon Squares, Irreverent Ice Cream, Tittering Tarts

Those who adore “playing with their food” (as opposed to actually eating it), or those who are allergic to “food for thought”, should be prepared to entertain themselves by twiddling their thumbs or wiggling their ears quietly. Failing that, they should be prepared to come up with something really nifty to keep things to a dull roar for the rest of the patrons (who probably have incredibly short-attention spans).

By the way, during the daytime, “Dick Danger” is a magnificent mild-mannered manager of meals. At night however, (especially on April 1st and Halloween), he has been known to change his name and his attire in order to keep the company of some very colourful characters including “The Great Pumpkin”, “The Tooth Fairy” and “The Jolly Green Giant”!
___________

For those who haven't got a clue how to find their way to Ogden Point Cafe - here's a map!

FEAST OF FOOLS - APRIL 1, 2006

2006-03-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

Or, where to find the best bit of boffo and buns on April 1st in Victoria, B.C.

The Creative Loafing Institute is pleased to announce that a great giggle gathering will be held on the occasion of April Fools' Day, (in what is generally known as the "granola and grinning capital" of Canada -- Victoria, British Columbia).

Those wishing to partake of the piffling piece of puckery may drop by for a bit of buffoonery, (provided of course they come suitably attired in some foolish or funky fashion statement, wear a saucy smile, and consume a smattering of snickers or pig out on a "meal of mirth").

This is a do-it-yourself evening of drollery, so those who attend should bring along anything designed to make lollygaggers and leisure-challenged folks laugh out loud, roll on the floor, or titter tastelessly (at least for a few hours on this often forgotten day of frippery).

All manner of creative and quirky contributions to the "Grin Bin" will be accepted including a mirthful memo you'd love to send to your buttonhead boss or cat-napping colleague, or demonstrating how to build sandcastles in the air without any budget, supplies or time.

If that's too difficult just bring along a sample of your titillating talents -- be it dancing with your two left feet, doing zany zodiac readings, doodling/droodling, (finger) painting, playing the glockenspiel or a fast game of 'Rock Paper Scissors', singing sucky-face songs, sculpting with playdough, snapping funny photos, telling tacky tales, or amazing everyone with magic stuff like touching your toes, twiddling your thumbs and wiggling your ears all at the same time etc.

Admission is free, but giggling guests are strongly advised to empty their piggy banks so they can purchase things that will fill their tummies, perhaps boggle their minds, and more than likely leave them wondering what wizardesses do for a night off.

DATE: Saturday, April 1, 2006

TIME: 5:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m.

PLACE: Ogden Point Cafe, 199 Dallas Road, (at the Breakwater) in Victoria, British Columbia.

__________

Note: word has it that a very vintage vixen or voluble vegetarian vamp may make a special guest appearance -- stay tune for more at the home of the Quipping Queen.

MIRTH & MUNCH MEETUPS

2006-03-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

The Creative Loafing Institute Presents a Posh New Program

The Creative Loafing Institute, dedicated to the the art of astonishment and spirit of serendipity, not to mention blissful begetting, egregious euphoria, and just plain old fun and frolic, is proud to announce that spring has finally sprung in Victoria, British Columbia (Canada).

Besides being "blooming" capital city of Canada's most western province, Victoria is also home to a band of boisterous brouhaha types who love to laugh out loud, twiddle their thumbs with ecstacy, and share their philosophy of life with anyone who cares to listen including offleash dogs, hungry seagulls, and bodacious baristas!

While some profess a lifetime commitment to waiting for Godot, the merry-making members of the Creative Loafing Institute, have dedicated themselves wholeheartedly to the lost art of lounging and lollygagging about or just passionately puttering in a pleasantly playful manner.

For those who enjoy delightful dillydallying, frittering time away, or goofing off over a slow sip of coffee or tea and hot bun or two in the companionship of like-minded slackers and sloths with a good sense of humor, why not drop by our weekly wit and wonder get-togethers.

Date: Every Tuesday
Time: 10:00 am - 11:30 am
Place: Ogden Point Cafe (199 Dallas Road near "The Breakwater")
Admission: At least three smiles and your choice of a bodacious beverage and/or biscuit/bun.

__________

For directions to this sassy and sunny spot, look no further!