The Accidental Vegan

It's Here!

2008-08-25T23:07:00.001-05:00

There is a new adventure...check it out!

Goodbye...For Now

2008-07-31T22:53:00.005-05:00

It's been 216 days. There have been 86 posts.

3 stays in the hospital
2 jobs
16 days of insomnia
40 recipes
1 prize winning chili
7 days of tofu appreciation
and 1 glorious diagnosis.

It has been quite a trip and I'm so glad that you've all come along for the ride. I feel so blessed to have had this community of people who supported me, laughed with me and were willing to try all my crazy recipes. You even put up with my complaining and the meandering thoughts on faith. You guys are good.

But today it has to come to an end. This blog was a way for me to get through a really tough time in my life, thankfully, that time is over. Sure, there is a learning curve with being gluten free for life, and of course there are more recipes to discover. But there are blogs far superior to mine that cover those topics.

Now don't get too worked up, I'm not turning my back on the blogosphere (or whatever it's called) forever. There are big plans in the works. Plans that have been rattling around in my head since March! There is something new on the horizon and I hope you will be part of it. I can't say much now, but I can promise that things will get interesting on August 25.

So take a break and read some other blogs (I recommend the ones to your left) but don't take me off your Google Reader just yet; the next step in the adventure starts in 25 days...

Dumped

2008-07-29T22:45:00.005-05:00

Today was just one of those days, a little down in the dumps. Nothing seemed to be going quite right. I woke up late. When I took the dogs out I found that someone (hooligans or ner-do-wells I presume) had dumped out the flower pots planted on my back deck and taken the plastic planters! At work nothing seemed to line up, ending with me getting frustrated by a project that, I fear, will never end. My plan was to leave at 5pm, but then I had one of the strangest conversations I've ever had and ended up leaving at 7:40pm. When I got home I took the dogs out, sat down for dinner and all the power went out. After rooting around in the basement I was able to get the juice back with only a few encounters with man-eating spiders.

So what do you do when life isn't so sweet? You make brownies.
These are gratefully borrowed from glutenfreegirl and are fudgy delicious!

8 tablespoons unsalted butter
4 ounces bittersweet chocolate (or as dark as you can stand it)
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup brown rice flour (or sorghum)
1/4 cup tapioca flour

Preparing
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. Grease an 8-inch square baking pan. Chop the chocolate into small slivers. Slice the butter into one-inch pieces. Combine the two flours together.

Melting the chocolate
Bring a saucepan of water to a boil, and then turn it down to a simmer. Place a large metal bowl over the top of the saucepan. Put the chocolate and butter into the metal bowl and stir, occasionally, as they both begin to melt. As they come to a full melt, stir and stir, vigorously, until you have a cohesive mixture.

Making the brownies
In a medium-sized bowl, combine the sugar and eggs, whisking vigorously until they are creamed together, with a silky consistency. Add the vanilla extract and salt and stir well. Add in the gluten-free flours and stir. Finally, pour in the melted chocolate-butter mixture and stir, carefully, with a rubber spatula, until the mixture has become smooth.

Baking the brownies
Pour the mixture into the prepared baking pan. Smooth the top with the spatula. Slide the baking pan into the oven and set the timer for 25 minutes.

Finishing the brownies
As the brownies are baking, fill the sink with ice cubes and 1 inch of water. When the brownies are finished baking, remove the pan from the oven and place it immediately into the ice-water bath. (Don't let any water splash up onto the brownies!) Let the brownies stay there until they have cooled completely.

These brownies taste best the next day, after an entire night of refrigeration. That makes the top crunchy, the insides decadently chewy. However, I'm sure no one would suffer if you ate the brownies immediately, either.

Is There a Doctor In the House?

2008-07-28T20:00:00.010-05:00

So apparently I didn't need all those doctor's and tests, I could have just been diagnosed by my friends! Remember when I asked you all to tell me what you thought was wrong with me? Well surprise, surprise, one of you hit it right on the nose!

Congratulations Joline, you are like my own, personal Web MD! You got in the gluten and even the dairy, pretty impressive. I'm considering getting rid of my health insurance and just listing Blogger as my primary care physician. It's gotta be just as good as an HMO, right?

So what fabulous prize does Joline win for her auto-immuno-expertise? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's the super cool coffee mug at the top of this blog. Thankfully Joline loves coffee, eating, sleeping and blogging!

With celiac, everyone's a winner!

Holy Ground

2008-07-24T22:31:00.007-05:00

Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground...Exodus 3:5

I know that I said I was going to leave the past month behind me and just move forward on this blog. But, as is so often the case, I was wrong.

Today was a special day. At 2:25 p.m. I went to Facebook and pulled up a photo album. I listened to a playlist of songs that I created three months ago. I prayed and I cried. I was surrounded by things that seemed so ordinary and mundane, but for 45 minutes my hectic, cluttered office was holy ground.

One month ago, today, my friends Jeff and Amy gave birth to a beautiful little girl named Leah. Leah's birth was unique in that we knew that she would not live for very long, if she lived at all.

When Jeff and Amy told the world that they were expecting, I was thrilled. I knew what fantastic parents they would be. Then, in May we found out that Leah was sick. There were appointments and specialists, but no one could give us the words we were begging to hear. She was not going to survive the pregnancy and probably would not survive the delivery. I cannot explain what the next month was like. My heart was broken, I was powerless to help my friends.

A little over a month after finding out that they may never get to know their sweet little one on this earth, it was time for Jeff and Amy to deliver. I had the honor of being with them at the hospital on the day that Leah was born and I had the privilege of meeting little Leah while she was still alive. It was painful and scary and wonderful and sacred. I still haven't found the words to express what I experienced that day. I continue to be blind-sided by grief on a daily basis, never knowing what little thing might remind me of her. But I would not trade one second of my sadness or a single tear that I have shed. As strange as it may sound, watching Leah live her short but precious life has had a profound effect on my faith.

So today I sat at my desk; the desk where I first found out that Jeff and Amy were expecting. The desk where I bought the first baby gift and where I received the phone call that Leah was sick. I sat in the chair that I used the day after Leah was born, when I was working in a haze, trying to understand what had happened. The same chair that I sat in while creating the programs for her funeral and writing a eulogy for a little girl I had only just met.

I closed my eyes, listened to the music and prayed. I thanked God for giving my friends the chance to be parents and for allowing me to be a part of her life. I prayed for healing and wisdom and joy. I asked for the protection of children who will come in the future and I asked for peace for those who are grieving the loss of their little ones. I confessed that I'm still angry at God; that I'm grateful and furious all at the same time. I sang the song that served as my prayer for the month before Leah was born; when the words wouldn't come and my heart was in a million pieces. I cried and I remembered a beautiful little girl, who would have been one month old today.

All I Can Say-David Crowder Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything

Lord didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
everything...

Jeff and Amy have started a blog to share the story of Leah's life and to serve as a resource for other families who are facing the loss of a child. Read it to hear the story of a faithful family, a precious little girl and a God who is good all the time.

Say What?

2008-07-21T22:22:00.004-05:00

Casein Intolerant Celiac Disease with Dermatitis Herpetiformis. Ah, it rolls off the tongue. If you sing it to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious it's almost catchy. So this craziness is my official diagnosis. These seven words are the cause of a whole lot of pain and suffering. So let's take a minute and break it down.

1. The most important part of the diagnosis is Celiac Disease. Celiac is a lifelong autoimmune intestinal disorder, found in individuals who are genetically susceptible. So when my body takes in gluten it has a toxic reaction and begins to attack the mucosal lining of my intestines. Hey, I didn't say that this was going to be pretty. The damage to the lining makes it impossible for my body to properly absorb nutrients leading to all sorts of health problems. Most often celiac presents with digestive issues, but I presented with more joint/bone and neurological issues, which is part of why my diagnosis was tricky.

What this DOES mean: I can never eat gluten again. Each time I take gluten into my system, no matter how large or small the amount, my body will release toxins that will destroy my intestines. The more damage to my intestines, the sicker I will become. The good news is that by eliminating gluten, my intestines will begin to heal themselves so I will begin to feel better and better.

What this DOES NOT mean: I will suffer from my symptoms for the rest of my life. I will be put on medication. Once my intestines are healed, I am healed. That all of my blood relatives have celiac disease.

As I said above, I will always have this disease. But by following a strict, gluten free diet my body will eventually be able to return to normal function. And while celiac is genetic, people can carry the genetic markers and never develop the disease. It often lies dormant within your system and, for those who are susceptible, becomes active after some kind of physical or emotional trauma or prolonged illness. There is about a 10% chance that my family would have the genetic markers and there is no guarantee that the markers would develop into the disease. So my family should keep an eye out for symptoms, but there is no need to freak out about it (Mom).

2. Casein Intolerant. Casein is one of the proteins found in milk (lactose is the sugar found in milk). Casein's structure is very similar to gluten's (which is the protein found in wheat). My intestines are in bad shape, so they can't seem to be able to tell the difference at this point. My doctor feels that once my intestines are healed I will probably be able to have casein again without any issues. It can take anywhere from months to years for the lining to heal, so I need to avoid cow's milk products for now, but hopefully can re-introduce them down the road.

3. Dermatitis Herpetiformis. This is a skin condition that effects some people with celiac. Remember the first thing I noticed after being on the elimination diet? Yeah, that's right, it has a name. Staying gluten free and making sure that I use gluten free skin products should keep it at bay.

All in all, I have to say that I feel happy about my diagnosis. It is strange to think that this is for life. But it feels so good to have an actual name to my illness, to know that I'm not crazy. I feel hopeful that my health can only improve and that I don't have to fill my body with more pharmaceuticals. After being reminded of how bad I had been feeling, I'm so grateful that I can get a new start with no place to go but up.

When Gluten Attacks...

2008-07-19T22:20:00.004-05:00

It started out so well. Enjoying the sweet, malty goodness of the beer. Biting down on the warm, crispy-gooey comfort of a toasty sandwich. Three different desserts, each involving some sort of just-beginning-to-melt ice cream. This is the stuff dreams are made of! Last night was a fantastic time full of gluten, but more importantly, celebrating with the folks who have helped support my crazy lifestyle over the past 7 months. I began the night feeling nervous about what would happen, but went home feeling so grateful for the amazing, generous friends (and family, thanks for biking down Matt!) I have.

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last for long...

As I drove home I started to feel the slightest bit of weirdness in the pit of my stomach. When I got to my block, my head was throbbing so badly I could barely park. I sat down to do the blog post (for those of you who couldn't join me) and my fingers and arms started to cramp. I didn't want to admit it at that point. "I'm probably just tired," I told myself. But it soon became clear that it was more than just sleep deprivation.

I woke up around 3 am with that horrible feeling that I was falling, only to discover that I WAS falling. My muscles had seized and I was rolling out of my bed. Since I couldn't move my arms or legs I hit the ground hard. After this happened for the second time I just slept on the floor. I won't go into all the details, but I woke up in a fog. My muscles ached and my joints didn't seem to work.

So I spent today getting some final tests done at the hospital. Obviously I have some sort of gluten intolerance, but now we have to try to figure out why and where it came from. So I was poked, prodded and biopsied, hopefully for the last time. If all goes according to plan I will have a diagnosis on Monday. So until then I'm taking my bruised and battered self to the bathtub for a date with some Epsom salts and a big glass of ice water.

Who knew a sandwich could cause so much trouble?

Gluten Gluttony

2008-07-19T00:56:00.005-05:00

I just got home from a night of (responsible) excess, an evening filled with wheaty-goodness. Here's the rundown:

At Quenchers
Three Floyds Robert the Bruce
Hitachino Nest Ginger Brew
A Reuben with thick, toasted dark rye, (not to mention the gluten in the corned beef, dressing and possibly the cheese!)
Sips of Dead Guy, Dragon's Milk & Gumballhead

Then, after a strange encounter with a very drunk man who threatened to throw himself in front of a bus if I didn't help him (and later followed through, but thankfully wasn't hurt) we were off to dessert.

At Dunlay's:
A dessert sharing smorgasbord (that's just for you Scooter!) of:
Strawberry Shortcake icebox pie
Mixed Berry Crisp
& the amazing Skillet Cookie Sundae

Food I've missed with friends I love. I've done my part...now we wait and see what happens!

Three Ring Nightmare

2008-07-17T22:19:00.005-05:00

If you'll turn your attention to the center ring, you'll see the amazing juggling woman! Yes, she can juggle work and home. What about junior high students? YES! Can she handle friendships, relationships and family? YES! What if we throw in getting ready for classes and VBS? YES! Now throw in some drama and a big dose of broken heart...will she do it???

NO!

Not even close. I apologize that I have been gone for so long. I appreciate the concerned emails, and no, I haven't run off with the circus or met some hot chef and opened a gluten free restaurant in Bora Bora (although if you know any hot, GF chefs be sure to send them my way!) I have just had a lot on my plate and haven't really been sure how to process it. If I were a real writer I would have some kind of deep, poetic way to describe what the past month has been like. Unfortunately, I'm not and I don't. I'm speechless. So I won't try to write about the past, and we will move on to the future.

Tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for...tomorrow I add gluten back into my diet. I'm not just going to have a piece of bread, or a sliver of cake. Oh no! I'm going all out with a night we are calling "Gluten Gluttony". Catchy, huh? Yes, tomorrow we are off to Quenchers where we will partake of fried food and selections from the over 260 beers available. I realize that going from no gluten to gluten overload could be unpleasant, but if this is my last hurrah, I want to make it good!

I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous going into this. On one hand, my diet drama could all be over tomorrow, I could get sick and have an actual diagnosis. It would be great, the past 7 months would have all been leading up to something, the denial would not have been in vain! But of course that means I never get to eat gluten again...ever. It takes months to get gluten out of your system, so if you have an intolerance you can't get better unless you cut it out completely.

On the other hand, I could leave tomorrow and feel fine, a little bloated probably, but fine. That would mean I can once again enjoy a frosty beer, a crusty french bread or a pungent blue cheese. I could eat whatever I wanted at restaurants and never again have to question my friends on how or what they're cooking. But of course that means I have no idea what happened to me last year. I would always wonder if the pain and seizures are going to come back unexpectedly.

I'm not sure what I want but it doesn't matter since I don't get to choose. Tomorrow will come, something will happen or nothing will happen. I'm just going to walk the tightrope and hope to have some fun in the process. I'll keep you posted!

Run Away

2008-06-04T22:46:00.005-05:00

I've recently started running again. Now, I'm not a hardcore runner, I don't train for marathons or anything, in fact I'm really not all that coordinated of a runner in general. But a few summers ago I was inspired to try and do something that I thought I couldn't do; thanks to a well-timed episode of Made, that thing ended up being running. At that point I didn't understand why anyone would run unless they were being chased, and even then I might opt to roll up like an armadillo and hope for the best. It seemed ridiculous; people thought "it just wasn't my style", I knew it would be a waste of time because I would want to give it up in a few weeks...this is exactly the challenge I was looking for.

I enlisted the help of some crazy runner friends who hooked me up with the right gear and the right plan and I was off! Well, sort of. My running plan had me start off with more walking than running, so it didn't seem like I was accomplishing much. But then, slowly but surely, one foot in front of the other, I was running. I finished my training plan and completed my first 5K. Then I did another one. Then I was going for a jog to clear my head after work. It was strange, this thing that seemed so impossible to me was beginning to feel natural, even kind of good. When I started getting sick I had to stop running, it just hurt too much. But as my health has improved, so has my outlook on returning to a running routine. My thoughtful roommate has upped the ante by registering us for a 10K at the end of August. A 10K?! I've never run more than 5K, it's only been about 3 months since I started feeling better, and if you give me some more time I can probably come up with more excuses as to why this IS NOT a good idea. So I have started a running plan again. I was thinking about this in two very different situations today, once when I wanted to run away, the other when I wanted to chase away.

The first situation has to do with two very close friends. They are in the midst of suffering so great I cannot even begin to imagine what they must feel like. As a couple they are faced with a situation that seems hopeless and yet they are finding a way to respond with faith, conviction and strength. In talking with my friend today I was struck by the little part inside of me that wanted to yell, "Run Away! This is too hard, it's too much and you don't even know what you're doing!" Of course I would never actually run away from my friends, but I had to have a moment of silent confession where I admitted that part of me wants relationships of convenience more than I want relationships of true sharing.

The second situation was very different. I was confronted with a woman who infuriated me. Here she was claiming to be a Christian but I have yet to see a Christ-like action or word come out of her. Self-absorption, ungratefulness, insensitivity, selfishness...I feel like that is all I see. I wanted to chase her away, get her poison away from my family. And while I would never actually, physically chase her away, I knew that my actions and words could very easily have the desired effect. The strange thing is, there was no confession after that. I didn't feel bad for the way I mentally reacted, I felt entitled to it!

On the way home, I considered both of these situations. As I drove and prayed (eyes open, of course) I thought about a conversation I had with a woman I met recently. She mentioned a video that our former pastor had shared with the congregation about a year ago. The video tells the story of Dick and Rick Hoyt, an amazing father and son team. Rick had complications at birth which have left him confined to a wheelchair and reliant on others for his care. After finding out that his son enjoyed the feeling of being able to participate in a race, Dick began to compete in races while pushing Rick in his wheelchair. Dick and Rick now regularly compete in marathons and Ironman triathlons; Dick doing the running, swimming and biking for the both of them while he pushes Rick in a wheelchair or pulls him in a boat. It's a beautiful and poignant picture of what it means to love someone, how to carry one another's burdens.

As I continued to think about this I knew that I would do any of that if it would give one moment of relief to my friends. If doing a triathlon would take away one step of this journey my friends are on, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would gladly gather the two of them together, set them safely in a cozy chair and push them through all of what they are experiencing. In fact I have prayed that this would happen. I ask God to let me carry them or at the very least teach me to walk alongside in a way that is meaningful and love-filled. I am in awe that my faith calls me to that kind of love, that it changes the desire of my heart from wanting to run away into wanting to run in-the-place-of my precious friends.

But then it gets hard. My faith also calls me to have the same response to the woman who make me so furious. It means that just as I desire to carry my friends, so should I desire to carry my enemies. The chair that I have reserved for my friends in need also must be available for the people who are self-absorbed, ungrateful, insensitive and selfish. It's a love that is so counter to everything I know, it is beautifully subversive. It seems impossible, but Christ tells me it is imperative. I don't know if I can do it, but with Christ's help, I will put one foot in front of the other and trust that what seems impossible will someday become natural.

Down & Dirty

2008-06-02T22:36:00.003-05:00

Summer hit me today. The weather here in Chicago has been so hit or miss, I haven't really been sure what season it is; but today was summer. It was warm, people were out riding bikes, women were wearing fluttery summer skirts and guys started sporting boaters. While going for a little (and I do mean little!) jog before work I could smell the lilacs that are blooming down the street.

When I got home I pulled out the potting soil and did some planting. The little deck attached to my apartment is starting to look like quite the happening place! I'm not a natural gardener. I know some folks who just seem to walk by plants and they grow; I'm more the plant & pray type myself. And while I may not win any prizes, there is something so reassuring about planting things and watching them grow. I don't like to wear gloves, I appreciate getting some dirt under my fingernails. I like the softness of the dirt, the spidery roots of the seedlings. I love to see how something that is pretty on it's own becomes even more beautiful when it's put next to something else. I have some white begonias that are so lovely, but when they are added to a box with some pink petunias the white becomes even brighter, the subtle purple tone of their leaves becomes more noticeable and the petunias suddenly seem so lacy and delicate next to the sturdy begonias. They bring out the best in each other.

There is a reason that gardening is such a common metaphor for living in community. It's messy, it takes time for things to grow, sometimes you don't see progress at all. You have to know who needs what and how to best make each plant flourish without squelching the others around it. Things that look dead might be getting ready to bloom while things that look healthy might be laden with disease. You choose whether you want a perfectly manicured Versailles, or a wildly beautiful English garden. You can be the type of gardener who starts from scratch each season or you can be the type who shelters the bulbs in the winter and prunes the same rose bush your grandmother first planted. The stability and resilience of your garden are directly related to your investment of time.

After the enlightening time spent gardening it was time for dinner. I decided that to kick off my official recognition of summer, it was time to grill. I threw on some asparagus and sweet potatoes. I heated up some black beans with a few cloves of freshly crushed garlic. Strawberries for dessert, it was the perfect end to an imperfect but beautiful day.

Grilled Asparagus
1 lb asparagus, end snapped off
grapeseed oil (could use canola or olive oil, but they heat at lower temperatures)
salt
black pepper
red pepper flakes

After washing and snapping the asparagus, toss with enough oil to evenly coat all the stalks. Sprinkle evenly with salt, pepper and pepper flakes to taste. Grill over indirect heat until cooked through and with light grill marks. Mmm.

Grilled Sweet Potatoes
2 large sweet potatoes, cut into rounds 1 inch thick
grapeseed oil
limes
cilantro
salt & pepper

Brush the sweet potato rounds with oil, sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place on grill for about 5 minutes per side. After removing the rounds from the grill, cut away and discard the skin (it should peel away easily) and cut the potatoes into large matchsticks. Place the potatoes in a bowl and toss with 1 tablespoon of oil, the juice of one lime and chopped cilantro. Serve warm.

Drenched

2008-05-27T23:12:00.004-05:00

It was a simple mission. Just stop by Pier 1, pick up some pitchers and bowls for tomorrow's event and head back to work. A relaxing little trip in the middle of the day. I decided to drive over, thinking it was pretty windy and my treasures might be too heavy or awkward to carry back to the church. I got in the car and felt better already. I've been working on a project that I don't really enjoy which leaves me staring at the computer screen for hours on end, so the act of getting out of my office and into the world was immediately refreshing.

I drove over, found a spot down the street and parked the car. As I walked, I started to scold myself for focusing on the minutiae that drives me crazy instead of the dreams of "what could be" that rejuvenate me. I passed Fountain Square and stopped at the crosswalk to wait for the light. Then it happened. A shift in the wind, an extra big gust and I was drenched. The fountain jet, which is supposed to spray straight up, had been blown over just far enough to completely soak me as I stood waiting to cross the street. There was a moment where all I wanted to do was cry, I felt the tears burning my eyes. Then, all of the sudden, I started laughing. I imagined what that must have looked like to people passing by. I pictured myself on America's Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget doing a voiceover play-by-play. I laughed so hard I had to sit on the edge of the fountain under a curtain of cold mist.

I think this is a good picture of how life has been recently. Things have been tough, really tough. I appreciate the concerned emails and reminders to post something for pete's sake! But it hasn't been right for a while, my mind has been empty and my thoughts are hazy, it wouldn't have worked. Then, all of the sudden, I'm walking around, minding my own business and I'm drenched. It's like getting caught in a downpour; you start off trying wait it out, or you run from overhang to overhang trying to dodge the drops, but eventually you just give in, let go and let it all get washed away. You end up looking kind of strange, but feeling brand new.

Funkytown

2008-05-13T22:59:00.003-05:00

I haven't really been in a blogging mood lately. Often times I'm thinking about something all day and I can't wait to sit down and write it out, but lately my mind has been blank. I feel like I'm in limbo; I'm disengaged from everything around me. Good things are happening, there is excitement but I stay stuck in a funk. I've been feeling really good over the past few months so this mystery funk has caught me off guard.

There are a few things that might be contributing to my altered state. I moved about two weeks ago and am still not quite "settled", I've been working more than usual so I haven't really had a lot of time to connect with friends, I recently had a little relationship hiccup that was tougher than I expected, my prayer life is stale and uninspired. But more than anything else, the thing that has me reeling is the thought of changing the way I eat.

I realize that it was only five months ago that I was blogging about how the changes I was going to have to make in my diet were freaking me out...well, at least I'm predictable. I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to be free to eat a greater variety of foods. I want to move forward. But it's hard to move anywhere when your mind has a flat tire. Things are good, things are comfortable. Is the possibility of something better really worth losing something that is already pretty good?

How do you push yourself out of a funk?

Wanna Bet?

2008-05-05T23:07:00.005-05:00

This is my last week as a sugar free, gluten free vegan. It's a strange thing to consider, but after a little more than four months of the freegan lifestyle I will begin to incorporate the foods that I have been doing without. Before you get images of me gorging myself on some sort of buffet of forbidden foods, let me explain.

I have completely taken cane sugar, gluten and all animal products out of my diet. I have also been drug free (pharmaceuticals, of course) for a little more than a month. I am currently symptom free and feeling fine. So now we begin to slowly introduce all of those things that I've been avoiding to see who might be the culprit.

So what exciting food item will I be partaking in first? Are you sitting down?...EGGS! I know, kind of a let down. And I don't even get to eat the whole egg, just the white. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

This week I will be preparing mentally and physically to take the next step in finding a diagnosis for my bizarre symptoms. I will post more on what exactly that entails, but for now it means that it's time to place your bets!

Within a matter of months, (or possibly weeks!) we will know if any of these foods are the cause of my troubles. So what do you think it is; dairy, red meat, egg yolks, mollusks? Maybe I have some sort of bizarre reaction to a food combination like chicken with wheat gluten and a pinch of dairy. Be creative! If you can give me the correct diagnosis you will win a fabulous prize* and probably be asked to work at the Mayo Clinic because you figured it out when no one else could!

So hit me with your best shot. Now is your chance to do what you have been waiting to do since you've known me; answer the question, "What's wrong with me?"

*the level of fabulousness of the prize will be determined by Melody, so don't go thinking it's a plasma tv or something.

Soy-lent Green*

2008-04-26T23:41:00.004-05:00

I realize that it may seem just as strange to some, but eating tofu is WAY better than eating people (at least I assume so, but I haven't ever eaten a person...). I know that it looks kind of boring, it feels rather squishy and it's creepy that one little block of goo can contain so much water. But tofu is a great ingredient, and if you can find ways to incorporate it into your diet (even if you are a meat eater) your body will thank you for it!

Hopefully after experiencing the joy that is Tofu Appreciation Week you are no longer on the fence about tofu, but sometimes it takes a while to change your mind. I used to think that I hated pesto. Everywhere I went, every cookbook I read people were raving about pesto! But then I came to realize that I don't like pesto when it's on pasta but I like it in all sorts of other things. It wasn't until I started making my own pesto and eating it on grilled veggies, roasted potatoes and drizzled over salmon (back in the old days) that I realized how delicious it really is.

So this recipe is taking a food I used to avoid and a food that you might still avoid and combining them into something fantastic. This is also a really easy way to hide soy protein in your diet without having to succumb to "eating tofu"...no one will ever have to know.

Tofu Pesto

4 ounces firm tofu
2 Tbs. vegetable broth
2 cups fresh basil
2 cloves garlic
2 Tbs. lemon juice
3 Tbs. olive oil
1/2 cup fresh parsley
1/2 tsp. ground pepper

Combine all the ingredients in a blender or food processor and pulse until smooth. Serve it on rice noodles, polenta, veggies or use it as a fresh salad dressing.

*If you don't know what soylent green is find out here. See? Talking about eating people was clever and funny, not gross and disturbing.

Piece of Cake

2008-04-25T22:16:00.005-05:00

Ah, Friday. What a lovely day. Technically it has only been half a lovely day as we have been hit with thunderstorms tonight, but I can let that slide. I seem to be in a rather happy-go-lucky mood lately (wink, wink) so a little rain won't get me down! And what better way to spend a stormy night than making cheesecake!

Oh no, tofu is not all stir-fry and scrambles! Sometimes it is light, melty cheesecake. And when cheesecake is this healthy you can always have that second slice!

Lemon Cheesecake
from Nicole
1-14 oz package firm silken tofu
1-8 oz package Tofutti Better than Cream Cheese
2/3 cup sugar ( I substituted crystalized apple fruit sweetner to taste, but most of you will probably stick with sugar)
¼ cup lemon juice
½ tsp almond extract
2 tbsp cornstarch
1-9 inch pie crust ( I went crustless, and baked them in cupcake papers, that way they are single serving too!)

Preheat oven to 350F.
Place silken tofu and vegan cream cheese in the food processor. Process for 1 minute, then add sugar. Process until smooth and no sugar granules remain, 3-5 minutes. In a small bowl, combine lemon juice and almond extract. Whisk in cornstarch. Pour mixture into the food processor and process until very smooth. Pour into prepared crust and bake for 45 minutes.
Allow to cool at room temperature for 2 hours, then refrigerate overnight.
Serves 10

Time Traveling

2008-04-24T21:56:00.002-05:00

So this post is a little bit of a trick. It is dated Thursday the 24th, but this is actually coming FROM THE FUTURE!

Since I accidently left my computer at work last night I wasn't able to update Thursday's tofu recipe. I know, I know. I'm surprised riots didn't break out in the streets! The way you all held your composure and didn't even mention the lack of new tofu goodness is a testament to your grace and forgiveness. But have no fear, here is an eye-opening breakfast option that is sure to give you all the protein you need for a great day. With a side of homefries this is heaven.

Scrambled Tofu Florentine
from Christina Pirello

Ingredients
Extra virgin olive oil
1/2 of a yellow onion, finely diced
salt
1 small carrot, finely diced
1-2 stalks celery, finely diced
1 tablespoon mirin (can omit, but why would you want to?)
1 pound extra firm tofu, coarsely crumbled
1/4 teaspoon ground tumeric
1/2 bunch arugula, cut into bite-sized pieces
1/2 cup shredded soy or rice mozzarella (vegan version, or if you're into dairy then use what you got)
2-3 sprigs fresh parsley, finely minced

Instructions
Place a small amount of oil and onion in a deep skillet and turn heat to medium.
When the onions begin to sizzle, add a pinch of salt and sauté for 1-2 minutes.
Stir in carrot and celery and cook, stirring, until shiny with oil. Add mirin, crumbled
tofu and tumeric and stir well, incorporating tumeric throughout the dish. Cover,
reduce heat to low and cook for 3-4 minutes. Stir in arugula and soy cheese,
cover and cook for 1 minute. Turn off heat and allow to stand until cheese melts,
about 2-3 minutes. Stir well to combine and serve garnished with fresh parsley.

Tofu Takes Over the World

2008-04-23T22:36:00.004-05:00

I know what you're thinking. You tried tofu, it's kind of strange and jiggly, it's just not for you. But tofu is like opera; you can't suffer through some Wagner nightmare and write off the whole genre. You'd be missing out on Janacek, Verdi and Glass! Hmm. Maybe that analogy doesn't translate well. Let's try again. Tofu is like sports; you can't suffer through some televised bowling tournament and write off all sports. You'd be missing out on March Madness, the Super Bowl and that Lumberjack competition they show on ESPN 8 or whatever. You don't want to miss the Lumberjacks!

The point is that tofu one way might be bad, but another way can be delicious! It's packed with nutrition and it is so inexpensive. The challenge is using an ingredient that you are unfamiliar with. So here are some baby steps to incorporate tofu into your life.

-Heat 1/2 inch of vegetable or peanut oil in a heavy skillet. Take extra firm tofu out of the package and press gently between some paper towels to remove excess moisture. Cut the tofu into 1/2 inch cubes and dust with sifted cornstarch. Fry the cubes until crisp, drain on paper towels and serve with your favorite dipping sauce! (This is a great snack while you're watching a movie)

-Mash some tofu with a ripe banana. Add a little bit of agave (you could use honey), some dried cranberries and sunflower seeds or wheat-free granola. Mix it all up and it it with a spoon or on gluten-free crackers (or for you crazy folks who eat gluten, this is really good on graham crackers). Breakfast of champions!

-Sneak some mashed tofu into mashed potatoes. What people don't know won't hurt them (unless they're allergic to soy and then you better have a good lawyer...)

-Throw some cubes of soft, silken tofu into a blended soup or smoothie. This is a great way to add in protein without dealing with the texture.

The bottom line is don't be afraid of tofu...tofu is your friend.

More tofu robot genius can be found here.

Sorry Ain't Cuttin' It!

2008-04-22T21:10:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of difficulties that come with eating gf, sf, vegan: meeting nutritional needs, trying to find food on the go, always ordering from the "sides" menu at a restaurant, having to turn down the thoughtfulness of others when they prepare a meal but can't show you every single ingredient, the thought of never again being able to taste the dishes that remind you of childhood. It's hard. But the thing that is most difficult are the constant apologies.

I understand the pained expressions, the sorrowful glances; they are meant to show sympathy, you can't imagine what I must be going through. I know that the comments of, "Oh, I could never do that," are supposed to be testaments to my discipline and self-control. Unfortunately, all I end up feeling is misunderstood.

I honestly don't see my restrictions as punishment. Yes, they can be frustrating. Yes, sometimes all I want is a big piece of lasagna. But at the end of the day, this way of eating has been my answer, my cure. These changes were not the result of a tummy ache or feeling kind of tired. I was withering, walking around in a fog. I couldn't think, I cried all the time, I found no joy in my life. I don't share this for your sympathy, I share it for your edification.

Five months ago I could barely stand for an hour without having severe muscle spasms, today I went for a run with my dog. In October I had to start wearing my hair down to cover the spots where I had gone bald, today I don't even think about it. Not long ago I was averaging 3 doctor's appointments a week and taking 13+ pills a day, now I couldn't even tell you the name of the pharmacist, I used to know them all! Never be sorry for my diet, thank God for it!

For nearly a year I have been fighting for my life, or at least for my way of life. I have been fighting to find a way to be myself again; to laugh and smile and go out and play. If saying goodbye to eggs means that I'm not in constant pain, if leaving wheat behind means that I can live without worry of seizure, if not eating fish leads to having the energy to spend time with the people I love, then good riddance. Don't look at me as if I've been banished to the naughty chair for eating too many breadsticks!

If you want to encourage me, share a positive change that you've noticed. If you want to support me, buy me a BumbleBar or a soy latte. If you want to empathize with me, try something that I've cooked...even if it sounds strange. But please, don't apologize.

It is, of course, still tofu appreciation week. So here is a recipe that is good for folks of all ages. These tofu nut balls (even the name makes me smile!) can be used in lieu of meatballs on spaghetti, covered in sauce for a fun appetizer or smothered with ketchup or BBQ sauce for kids. Seriously, people love them!

TOFU NUT BALLS
from Mollie Katzen
Ingredients:
½ cup uncooked short grain brown rice
1 cup water
A little olive oil for the baking sheet or frying pan
2 Tbs. wheat free tamari (or soy sauce)
½ lb. of firm tofu, mashed
½ cup (rounded measure) of finely ground almonds
½ cup gluten free bread crumbs (originally this is wheat germ which is a great, nutritious addition for those who can partake)
Sea salt to taste

Instructions:
1. Place the rice and water in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil, cover, and lower the heat to the slowest possible simmer. Cook until very soft (mushy, even) - about 35 to 45 minutes.
2. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and lightly oil a baking sheet OR heat oil to deep fry (360 degrees).
3. Place tamari and 1/2 the mashed tofu in a blender or food processor, and add about ¾ of the cooked rice. Blend to a thick paste.
4. Place the remaining tofu in a medium-sized bowl. Add the blended mixture, along with the almonds, bread crumbs, and remaining rice. Add salt to taste.
5. Using your hands, form the batter into 1-inch balls.
6. Bake them on a lightly oiled tray for 30 minutes OR deep fry until crisp and drain on paper towels. Serve hot!

Of course the oven method is healthiest, but the fry method is most delicious! Either way they are healthier than your average meatball.

Spice Up Your Monday

2008-04-21T21:11:00.005-05:00

Need to push through those Monday blues? This is one of my favorite recipes of all time, that includes my meat eating days! This recipe from Mollie Katzen is always a hit and it's even better the second day. It's not difficult to make, but there are a lot of steps, so it can take some time. This is the perfect recipe to make with a friend so you can share a glass of wine while all the parts are simmering away!

Tofu and Broccoli with Peanut Sauce

The Sauce:
1/2 cup unprocessed Peanut butter
1/2 cup hot water
1/4 cup cider vinegar
2 tablespoons tamari (I use wheat free*)
2 tablespoons blackstrap molasses
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

The Sauté
1 (1 lb) bunch fresh Broccoli
3 tablespoons oil
8 cloves garlic, minced
1 lb tofu, cut into small cubes
3 dashes salt
2 cups thinly-sliced onions
1 cup coarsely-chopped raw peanuts
2-3 tablespoons tamari*

Directions
The Sauce
In a small saucepan, whisk together the Peanut butter and hot water until uniform in consistency.
Whisk in the remaining ingredients. Set aside.

The Sauté
Cut off the bottom half-inch of the Broccoli stems. Shave off the tough outer skins of the stalks with a sharp paring knife or a vegetable peeler. Cut the stalks diagonally into thin slices.Coarsely chop the flowerettes. Set aside. Begin heating the large skillet. When it is hot add 1 tbsp of the oil. Add half the garlic. salt lightly. Sauté over medium heat for 1 minute, then add the tofu chunks. Turn the heat up a little, and stir-fry the tofu for 5-8 minutes. Transfer it, including whatever liquid it might have expressed, to the saucepanful of Peanut sauce. Mix together gently.

Wipe the skillet with a paper towel, and return it to the stove to begin heating once again. Add the remaining garlic. salt lightly. Add the onions, and some black pepper. Sauté, stirring frequently, over medium heat, until the onions are soft.

On another burner, begin heating the peanut-tofu sauce on a low heat. It shouldn't actually cook-it only needs to be warmed through. Add the Broccoli and the chopped peanuts to the skillet. Add 2-3 tbsp tamari and stir-fry over medium-high heat until the Broccoli is bright green and just tender.

Pour the heated Peanut sauce over the sauté.

Toss everything gently until everything is coated with everything else.

Serve over long-grained white or brown rice (basmati is good).

Versatility

2008-04-20T19:52:00.003-05:00

I've always secretly wished that I were versatile. There are a number of people close to me who seem to have this trait. They can slip from one conversation to the next without an awkward pause. Their talents run the gamut from artistic to intellectual to physical. No matter where they are, they just seem to fit, effortlessly. I've never been this way. I have a handful of things that I do well, I enjoy trying new things, but the resulting actions are rarely graceful.

That fluidity; the confidence of ability mixed with humility of spirit, is something I admire yet often neglect to notice. It has a camouflage effect so that I'm left with only the general thought of, "they're so great." But when someone is always there, always helping, always making me laugh, it becomes so commonplace that I forget to tell them how important that is, how important they are. I see it happen in marriages, with best friends, within my family; I'm always missing the blessing that's right in front of my face.

These thoughts have been running through my head all because of tofu. Who knew that bean curd could be so enlightening? My friend Joline found out her three year old son likes tofu. So naturally, what better place to go for tofu recipes than a vegan who loves to cook?

As I began thinking of recipes I realized that I eat tofu almost every single day. I blend it into everything from soups to smoothies. I sautee it with vegetables and scramble it like eggs. I bake it, brown it, fry it, boil it and mash it. It is the most versatile food I have ever had, omnivore or herbivore. So to give this forgotten friend of mine the thanks that it deserves, I am devoting the week to tofu!

Now before you click away saying, "there's a blog I can skip this week," let me urge you to give tofu another look. It's not flashy or exciting. It won't give you the same satisfaction as a steak or some extra crispy sweet potato fries. But tofu is there, and it will always be there; whether you need it sweet or salty, fancy or plain. Tofu is like that boyfriend you had in college; it will be whatever you need it to be, all you have to do is ask.

So to kick-off tofu appreciation week I'm including a recipe for the dish that first set Zane's little heart all a flutter for soy deliciousness, Miso Soup. There are a lot of ways to make miso soup, some traditional, some quick and easy. I admit that I know very little about most asian cooking styles, so I tend to go the quick and easy route. There are different types of miso paste: white, red and black and it is readily available in the refrigerated section at most fancy-schmancy grocery stores and asian markets. The taste gets stronger the darker the color. I prefer white miso with it's mellow flavor, but feel free to use whatever floats your boat.

Miso Soup with Tofu and Baby Spinach
from VeganCooking

6c water
1 1/2 c spinach, cut into thin strips
1/2 c thinly sliced white mushrooms
3 Tbs minced scallions
1 Tbs tamari (I use wheat free of course)
1/3 c white miso paste
4oz extra firm silken tofu, drained, cut into 1/4" dice

Place the water in a large pot and bring to a boil over high heat. Add the next 4 ingredients. Reduce the heat to medium until vegetables are tender. Reduce the heat to low. Place 1/4c of soup mixture in a small bowl and add the miso, blending well. Stir mixture back into the soup, add the tofu, and simmer for 2 minutes.

The beauty of this soup, of course, is it's versatility. You can substitute other vegetables (kale is great in place of spinach) or leave them out if you want it more as a broth. I've even thrown in a can of white beans or a sliced sweet potato when I'm feeling crazy! So use this as a guide, and get creative to discover what suits your tastes.

105 Down, How Many More to Go?

2008-04-14T20:10:00.006-05:00

Today I hit the big one-oh-five. That's right, I have been living sugar-free, gluten-free & vegan for 105 days!

I imagined that by now I would be dying for a cheeseburger or trading my organs on the black market for a REAL brownie, I'm surprised to find that is not the case. Instead I'm thinking of all the great stuff that I have tried that wouldn't have even made it into the shopping cart a few months ago. It's not that I was afraid to try new things, even in "the good ol' days" I enjoyed a good culinary adventure. But those adventures didn't happen that often and when they did, it usually came at a new restaurant or when I was visiting a new place. I've always loved to cook, so my eating habits seemed pretty exotic to some of my friends who considered half a box of Cheez-It's and a hot dog to be dinner. But truthfully my shopping list only varied slightly from week to week and a new recipe only came up occasionally.

Learning to eat with these modifications has forced me to try new things, and now I can't imagine my life without them. Agave, goji berries, grapeseed oil, garbanzo bean flour, hemp milk, vegan crunch bars, kadu...I didn't know what I was missing! I'm amazed by how much we fear change, and yet it's all we talk about. We want change with a guarantee, we need to know that making a change will take us where we want to go. The problem is that there is so much more available than what we see from inside our comfort zones. It's true of food, it's true of life. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to things you love in order to free yourself up for the things that are different. You have to fight the inner voice that says different is bad.

And in celebration of embracing change, here is a recipe featuring my latest discovery: Sun Butter. Ah, two of my favorite words! Sun butter is basically just peanut butter made with sunflower seeds instead of peanuts. It's a great choice for folks who have peanut allergies, but even if you don't have to avoid peanuts, sun butter is worth a try. Sun butter is like peanut butter's more sophisticated cousin. It's rich and smoky...you feel like you know the taste, but then it surprises you. And just like peanut butter it works well for both sweet and savory dishes. This recipe is for a savory soup, but I had some sun butter cookies from Rose's that were melt-in-your-mouth fantastic. I brought this over to a friend's house and with some corn chips and agave sweetened lemonade it was a perfect spring meal!

Purple Cabbage and Sun Butter Soup
from Karina Allrich
This soup can be as mild or as spicy as you like. I threw in some extra chiles that I had and let's just say that the sinuses are clear!

2 tablespoons light olive oil
1 1/2 teaspoons hot or mild curry paste, to taste
1 medium red onion, peeled, diced
4-5 cloves garlic, minced
1 large sweet potato or yam, peeled, diced
1/2 head purple cabbage, shredded
1 cup roasted green chiles- hot or mild- chopped- or use chopped yellow pepper
3 cups light vegetable broth
1/2 cup sunflower seed butter (aka Sunbutter) melted in a half cup of boiled water or broth
1 14-oz. can light coconut milk- or plain hemp milk
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes, for heat, to taste
2-3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
Juice from 1 fresh lime
1 tablespoon agave nectar, or organic light brown sugar, if it needs it
Sea salt and black pepper, to taste

For garnish:
Chopped fresh cilantro

Heat the olive oil in large soup pot. Add the curry paste and stir for a minute to infuse the oil with spice. Add the onion, garlic, sweet potato, cabbage, chiles or yellow pepper. Stir and cook the veggies for 5 -7 minutes, until softened. Add the broth, sunflower seed butter, coconut milk, red pepper flakes and cilantro. Bring the soup to a high simmer, cover, and lower the heat; keep the soup on simmer and cook until the vegetables are tender, about 25 to 30 minutes. Stir in the lime juice and taste test for seasoning adjustments. Add a little agave or organic brown sugar, if needed, to balance the heat. Season with sea salt and ground pepper, to taste.

Serve piping hot with a sprinkle of chopped cilantro.

Serves 4.

photo courtesy of glutenfreegoddess

Year of Jubilee

2008-04-13T19:34:00.004-05:00

"This year will be set apart as holy, a time to proclaim release for all who live there. It will be a jubilee year for you..."
Leviticus 25:10

It's Jubilee Sunday!

Don't feel bad if you don't know what Jubilee Sunday is, today is the first official one.

"In the Jubilee Year as quoted in Leviticus, those enslaved because of debts are freed, lands lost because of debt are returned, and community torn by inequality is restored.

Today international debt has become a new form of slavery. Debt slavery means poor people working harder and harder in a vain effort to keep up with the interest payments on debts owed to rich countries including the US and international financial institutions such as the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and the World Bank. The Jubilee USA Network brings together people to turn this reality around by active solidarity with partners worldwide, targeted and timely advocacy strategies and educational outreach." from Jubileeusa.org

The Jubilee Act Cancels impoverished country debt, prohibits harmful economic and policy conditions on debt cancellation, mandates transparency and responsibility in lending from governments and international financial institutions, calls for a new legal framework to restrict the activities of predatory “vulture funds,” and calls for a U.S. audit of debts resulting from odious and illegitimate lending. And it needs your support!

Call or write to your representative. Learn more about how to get involved with Jubilee in your area. Come with me to the Grassroots conference!

It's hard to hear the numbers, to see the faces and to imagine change. But apathy and avoidance do nothing. As long as impoverished countries are paying outrageous fees to wealthy countries they will not see improvements in sanitation, healthcare or education. As long as generations are paying off debts that they did not benefit from, they will not see freedom. Monitored debt cancellation is a proven system and we are already seeing it at work!

Jubilee Sunday is a day to rejoice in the forgiveness and grace that we have experienced and to embrace the opportunity to extend it to others. Today is the day we forgive our debtors.

Jesus, whose love took the shape of a cross: in the hour of deepest agony your mother and your beloved disciple did not flee, but stood beside you. You call us to pour out our lives in service to others, yet the suffering of the people around the world seems to have no end. When we see the endless wars and deprivations in countries burdened with injustice, we feel numb and helpless at the horror. Remind us of Mary, the unnamed women, and John, all of whom who could not save you from death, but did not leave you to face it alone. Strengthen us to become activists for justice, and agents of mercy.
Amen.

Lunesta: Pathway to Rest or Highway to Hell?

2008-04-07T23:32:00.001-05:00

I took the pill.

I did not, however, wake up feeling rested and refreshed. Instead I felt more like I had died and then someone jerked me out of non-existence and forced me to go to work. I don't even remember going to sleep. I was awake, wondering if this stuff was going to work and then all of the sudden it was 9 hours later, my alarm was blaring and I couldn't lift up my arm to turn it off. Delightful, huh?

When you're taking Lunesta you have to make sure you have at least 8 hours of sleep. If you wake up before the full eight hours the main side effect is amnesia. Seriously, amnesia. Not just forgetfulness or absent mindedness, AMNESIA. You might not know where you live. I'm cutting it close tonight after watching the NCAA Championship with some friends. I had meant to stay for about 45 minutes and then responsibly head home. But the combination of a great game and some bizarre conversation proved too tempting to pass up. By the time I got home and walked the dog it was 11:19pm. If I'm going to get eight hours I now have 41 minutes in which to fall asleep. I just popped a Lunesta, so if this post just sort of stops, that's why.

My experience of feeling dead, zombie-esque and then generally crappy all day made me think that I should look at the side effects of my little nighttime helper a bit more closely.

According to drugs.com:

I can't...drink, drive, operate heavy machinery, pilot an airplane or do anything else that might make me tired.

I can expect...
- day-time drowsiness, dizziness, "hangover" feeling
-problems with memory or concentration
-anxiety, depression, nervous feeling
-headache
-nausea, stomach pain, loss of appetite
-dry mouth
-unusual or unpleasant taste in your mouth
-mild skin rash
Okay. None of it sounds too great, but I can sacrifice in the name of sleep!

I might encounter...
- aggression, agitation, changes in behavior
-thoughts of hurting yourself
-hallucinations
Aggression, hallucinations, thoughts of hurting myself?! Suddenly I have a nervous feeling...or is that the medicine? How can you tell?

Some people report...
-short term amnesia
-depersonalization (feeling out of body, like nothing is real)
-engaging in activities such as driving, eating, or making phone calls and later having no memory of the activity
If I find out that I'm calling people in the middle of the night without any memory of what we talked about I'm going to be seriously upset. I'm going to be so mad I don't know what I'll do. There will be some serious aggression...or wait, maybe it's the meds talking...

And finally, Lunesta may be...
-carcinogenic and mutogenic, so I may end up growing a cancerous arm out of my back
-habit-forming
I'm getting so worked up about the side effects I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight...maybe I'll just take another Lunesta.

Rx: Trust

2008-04-06T21:30:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting on my bed, a large glass of water on the night stand, contemplating the little pill in my hand.

I haven't been sleeping very well. Now, when I say that I don't mean I've had a few late nights or that I've been anxiously mulling something over. In a little over three weeks I haven't had more than four and a half hours of consecutive sleep...or sleep at all for that matter. I can't even seem to nap.

Lack of sleep is a strange thing, similar to an extended fast. You feel pretty bad at first, but then you go into over-drive mode. You're still chugging along, but everything is running slightly hotter than it should be. I feel this everyday now. I tell myself to calm down, to breathe deep, just relax. It doesn't help. If anything, there is a temptation to try and push it a little harder. I mean, if I can effectively function on four and a half hours of sleep, who's to say I couldn't do it on just four? I would have another half an hour in my day to do really important things like color coordinate my closet and categorize my spice wall. We all want more time in the day, right? Maybe this is the answer.

The previous paragraph is the EXACT reason I find myself fixated on this small pill. I know I can't really stop sleeping, I know this isn't healthy. But I stare at the pill wondering if that's healthy either.

Taking Lunesta isn't like popping an extra Tylenol PM, it's hardcore. As a hypnotic, it basically turns your brain off. That means I can't hear a midnight phone call, a dog who is sick from eating God-knows-what out of the trash. It means I couldn't protect myself if my building caught on fire, or if someone tried to break into my apartment. I have no way to ward off the creepy, glowing Lunesta moth when it floats into my room to put me in some sort of radioactive slumber. I'm vulnerable. (although my dog is VERY protective all you blogging burglars, so don't even think about it!)

Living alone forces you into one thing. Trust. I don't have a protector, there is no back-up, the knight in shining armor has left the building. I have me and God. And if I'm doped up I just have God. That kind of reliance is terrifying...and beautiful. The greatest gift of being single is learning to trust someone that you don't see. Sometimes you're learning to trust yourself in things you didn't think you were capable of. Other times it's believing that God cares when no one else seems to notice.

God has blessed me with a wonderful community of people who would come to my aid at the drop of a hat, anytime, day or night; and for that, I am truly grateful. But at the end of the day, there is no one to hold me until I fall asleep, no one to kiss it and make it all better, no one to stand guard. There is me and God and the constant reminder that He is more than enough. His are the shoulders I cry on, the hands the hold me, the eyes that protect me. God knew that I would be tempted to pass those duties off to someone else...say someone with a body, so why not eliminate the middleman?

I sit waiting to take my Lunesta. I'm not worried about weird side effects or feeling groggy tomorrow. I'm not even really worried about fires or burglars. I'm worried about letting God be in complete control when I have no control. But it's worked for us so far...and what's one more night?