Fragile existence

Drawing

2008-11-10T15:15:00.005+02:00

I've started drawing again at adult education centre. It delights me a lot as long as I remember not be too self-critical. I should have improved my skills earlier. I would be so much better by now but instead of practice I got depressed. I felt threatened as if all my value or my whole identity depends on my performance. Failing would be a catastrophe. I didn't dare to take such a risk.

I'm trying my best to do this another way this time. I'm trying not to try too much. Life is breathing.

Croquis drawing made ca 2 years ago

October

2008-10-23T07:59:00.002+03:00

Hello Blogland!

I made an update to my blog template. Hope that gives me inspiration to write more often. I live alone in my house because my daughter started studying physical education elsewhere. Although she comes home every weekend. I hope the best and fear the worst as every mother sending her offspring into the cruel world.

The world has been exceptionally cruel here lately. Too much shooting, too much competing.

Must go to work now, I'll be back soon.

It Is Me

2008-03-29T18:48:00.006+02:00

It has been difficult for me to write lately. I finished writing my blog in Finnish because my daughter always found my blog and felt insulted as I sometimes wrote about her. It's so much about her - all of this - because she lives the period in her life that was so dark for me as a teenager. I see in her my fear and my agony. Yet we are different persons. She finished her school - as I did and ended up in emptiness and despair. Me, not her.

I know, I shouldn't mix up things. She is a cheerful girl, she only wanted to rest a little. To get out of the depressing educational system, to take a brake. As I did. I should understand, I understand, that's not the difficulty.

It's me. It's me.

Greetings to Canada: first flowers of the spring!

Light

2008-03-05T18:31:00.006+02:00

Mountains near Pico Ruivo, Madeira, Portugal

Just a few days of sunshine, mountains and waves of the Atlantic Ocean. Just that in a right time may be enough for me to survive this winter.

We just came back from our trip. A happy surprise awaited us: the ground was covered with snow at last.

Dark

2008-02-13T07:46:00.002+02:00

I'm getting sick of this darkness. It's sneaking inside, getting me down. As if. As if I weren't there already.

So Few Words

2008-01-30T07:44:00.000+02:00

It's been a dark winter without snow. Daughter finished her school, got tired with it. I don't know what's her next move. I'm a bit worried about it but I do understand her becoming exhausted after so many years at school. I'm tired with my work, too. It's so much new to learn and so few to help me.

I've almost finish writing although I think I should do it to keep my mind in order.... so few words...

We'll travel to Madeira (Portugal) at the end on February. Me, Daughter and A.

My love to you reading this...

Happy New Year 2008!

2008-01-02T07:15:00.000+02:00

My new job has been a bit stressful. Hope I'll get used to it soon. And ex has been a real shithead. Hope he'll calm down soon. I'm hopeful.

Life Goes On...

2007-11-03T08:59:00.000+02:00

I'm grieving for my dad who has terminal cancer. I'm lucky to have someone with me just now. A is beside me every now and then, not at the weekends, though, because of his work. Anyway, grieving is not possible if you're all alone. I realized that when my baby died for years ago. Of course, we both mourned for her, both me and ex, but our sorrow separated us, and I couldn't accomplish my grieving. Perhaps it continues now...

It's snowing for the fist time this autumn. The snow probably smelts later this day but just now it's so beautiful. I'll change my job next month leaving work that I didn't like and colleagues that I liked so much. Even that is some kind of a loss. They won't be far away, in fact, in the same building, but I'm leaving the gang.

We were last summer in Gotland, Sweden (my daughter inside a limestone formation)

Ps. He died last night, I just heard...

Hard Times

2007-05-23T22:52:00.000+03:00

Daughter and her problems, feeling useless and worthless at work, wanting to quit, father and his cancer, even ex may have some serious illness if it's true what he told our daughter. How on earth do I handle all this?

So tired.

Teenager Stuff

2007-04-21T17:10:00.000+03:00

Thank you, everybody, for your comments. I'm alone after a long time so this is opportunity for me to write something. Ex has calmed down. I've spent most of my weekends with A either here or in his place. Both having our past, there's been some difficulties, too. A has been married twice and treated badly, and me... I don't know whose past is worse. But I still have some kind of crises. Still need therapy.

I realize now, that what began about a year ago has much to do with my daughter's age. She is expecting something from me that I never got myself. I didn't get unconditional love that my daughter needs now so desperately. I wasn't given the liberty to express my feelings freely. Instead I had to carry the emotions of my parents (of my mum especially). Had to walk on tiptoes in order not to annoy her and to hide my bad feelings because nobody comforted me. Now I have to face it in my daughter. I have to face my inability to be a good mother, and it's not easy. I must be able to do better than this, I must! For a moment ago, she departed home slamming doors and shouting that she'll kill both me and her cat if somebody opens the door of her room while she's away. That's quite normal teenager behavior. But I have great difficulties to face her strong emotions without becoming distressed. I'm afraid that I 'm the last person to teach her how to deal with your emotions. I cannot deal with them myself.

Independence

2007-03-06T08:16:00.002+02:00

I've been discussing about my ex with my therapist. We decided not to do anything because taking action might only confirm his behavior. So I won't go to the police but, at the same time, I must try not to take his accusing messages so seriously. Why would I? They're unreasonable. At the same time this will be one of the hardest tasks for me. I don't have any protective shell cover. Every word will go through hitting my personality, identity, value. Every bad word makes me bad, so bad I want to die. They can be words by a total stranger. A statement by a passer-by, which isn't even accusing, can bury me into my bed for the rest of the day - and it's only my interpreting. It's the tireless accuser inside me that amplifies every negative thought to a death-sentence.

This is some kind of independence, fragility. That your value is given you from outside. This is my central problem.

Bad News

2007-02-28T19:31:00.000+02:00

Dad, who was operated last summer, called me just a moment ago. His cancer (which wasn't even aggressive) has spreaded into lymph follicles. Don't know what I feel now. Is this sorrow?

A New template

2007-02-24T22:51:00.000+02:00

I've been editing my blogger template, and so all the links were wiped out. I've been trying to restore them from the comments. The work continues.... You know, haven't anything better to do at the weekend...

Everything's all right - Nearly everything

2007-01-29T07:28:00.000+02:00

Hello, my dear friends! Everything is all right here in Finland. We got snow at last. I nearly lost my hope about it because the winter's been so warm (as a result of greenhouse effect?). So, I've been skiing for the fist times this winter, and I love it!

My therapy, which is a mixture on acceptance therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy and treatment for social phobia, has been good. I decided to continue my work and could compromise with my boss that I can do remote work every now and then. It helps me to cope with my tiredness which arises from my backache problems (therefore I can't sleep well).

I date with the fellow I met five moths ago. He's a a precentor, by the way, so we can't meet every weekend. My ex has been so difficult. He's made a report of an office because he fears our daughter is in a danger of being sexually abused by my friend. At least, he said he made the report (his theory in that 30 per cent of those who work for church are abusers). And I get textmessages from him every time he's in a 'certain' mood blaming me for being a bad mother an so on. I'm not answering them any more.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T21:58:00.000+02:00

Harald Wiberg

... and thank you for your comments and support during this year!

Christmas Shopping

2006-12-18T23:04:00.000+02:00

It's snowing. Oh God, we've been waiting for this. Autumn has been darker than ever. It's almost midnight and my daughter (and her cat as well) are outdoors making a snow man.

I won't survive Christmas. I don't want to purchase anything. Cannot stand crowded corridors of department stores. I understood yesterday that it's hard for me to make choices. To pick out which article I might want to buy. It makes me anxious, and I realize that I don't want them either. The only thing I want is to go away.

Nearly everything is all right. It's only me that isn't. Perhaps I don't need to be all right: this is enough.

A Strange Supporter

2006-12-03T17:30:00.000+02:00

I told you a couple of months ago about a 'supporter' I had found among the bloggers. That raised some doubts here. I dreamed that I would find someone like M because he had distanced himself from me little by little during the spring and summer. Well, I got something more, a real relationship. And I didn't even know it would be possible, not for me, anyway. But it was, and it was that serious thay I had to break up with M for good. So, that's where I'm now. In the middle of a love affair.

But it ain't as easy as it sounds. My ex has been a real asshole having some kind of primitive reaction. He thinks that I'll move away with our daughter and his position as a father is threatened. So he wants the child. It doesn't help if I try to convince him that I'm not moving anywhere. He feels I still am. He hears fire alarms and sees red lights blinking in his head, and I'm guilty of these feelings. Eveng if his thoughts behind the feeling ain't correct because I'm not moving anywhere. And it doesn't help that we divorced over 10 years ago. - And even my daughter has difficulties to accept my relationship.

All this is quite human and natural. It's only that I'm so tired of everything. I hope to get my strenght back.

I did get my hope, though.

The Times They Are Changing

2006-11-29T10:15:00.000+02:00

Edvard Munch

I've been on an assessment for DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) during this autumn. By now I must say it will be a good form of therapy for me. I've already got means to cope with my emotions. It has helped me with my daughter a lot. I've had difficulties to be present with her. I've fled from the situations because my reactions have been so oversized that it's been the only way not to hurt her (and I don't mean physically). Now I realize that it's been evasion behaviour. As a result I've lost my connection with my daughter. It's been so hopeless: your child misses you so much, and you cannot do anything about it. You flee under the blanket and feel miserable. The only you are able to do is to suppress your emotions - but it's not the way you should take. It's a dead end, and you're neary choking to death there under your bloody blanket.

But that's different now, and I'm so grateful about it. The times - they are changing.

Goodbye My Friend!

2006-11-28T12:49:00.000+02:00

I often asked you where did you come from. It was so weird that someone like you suddenly appereared in my life, out of thin air. You answered that I was searching for you. That I somehow invented you because I needed someone so much. So much that I had to create it myself. I don't know. You were special.

And I let you go.

I wrote you once a couple of weeks ago. You had promised to answer my emails. I missed you, and you understood, I knew you would. You had comforted me when we split up a coulple of months ago by saying that we'll see the same sky and the same stars even if we don't see each other any more.

I know you're out there somewhere. I let you go.

Summary

2006-11-27T21:24:00.000+02:00

Days, they're getting darker and darker. All this began more than a year ago. Of course, it's been inside me from the very beginning, from my childhood, growing little by little as a snowball effect. I had managed, so far. What if all the joyfulness and pleasure had vanished from my life a long time ago. What if the sense of living had disappeared. What if I couldn't be a mother any more, not a good mother, anyway. I was more like a robot managing only the most vital functions.

However, one day a year ago I couldn't get up any more. I was buried by an avalanche of everything I had bushed aside. Having lost any motivation to continue. Anything. Any more. That's how I was caught by inner self. My emptiness and fragility. That's when I broke.

To be continued...

An Odd Person Who Likes Me

2006-09-03T07:50:00.000+03:00

I'll see my supporter today for the first time. The one I've known for one month now. We both agreed in the beginning that we won't meet, not before I feel better, anyway. Because of my tendency to dependence. But I want to see him and, I guess, he also wants to see me. I need to touch him and hug. To see that he's real. Life's so weird.

Tightrope walking

2006-08-29T17:39:00.005+03:00

Over six weeks have passed since I wrote here last time. It was Pjbrubak again who persuaded me to continue. Thank you, my dear friend! I nearly blogged at the last weekend but it was as if I needed somebody to ask me to do it before I really could continue. Needed somebody to care for me just a little.

I'm in bed with flu today so it's now or never...

After reading what I wrote last time I realize that something has moved on. I had that discussion with my boss that I last time thought I should have. She said to me like this: "Normal people - as we are - they get tired; they even get fed up with everything from time to time. Sometimes, if not often, it happens that normal people get so tired that they have to slam the door shut and go home in the middle of the work day. That it is how we normal people react. And, besides, we need you at work." - So, I promised to continue. Who couldn't have after those words. Now, I have a legal permission to be insane (or 'normal') - and I like it :)

The first week back to work was easy. I could keep distance from my colleague. I understood that he had made his decision in favor of his marriage. I didn't want to ask him the matter straight because I could sense his thoughts. Didn't want to get that slap in my face intentionally. And that helped me to keep the distance. On the following week, however, it wasn't that easy any more. I was used to being able to talk to him everything I had in my mind, and I missed that possibility desperately. So, I asked him to join me for lunch, and he accepted my invitation. Much of what we had earlier has thus continued. But there's been a significant change, however. Our relation isn't the same as before. It's clearer now. More like a friendship, I guess. But, of course, it's like tightrope walking; not much is needed for me to fall down once again.

But something else has happened. Seeing the danger of falling, I asked one of my fellow bloggers on my Finnish blog site if he could support me. And he promised :o)

And what a supporter he's been - just what I needed! I couldn't have asked a better person. We started with emails, continued with chatting and finally ended up with talking by Skype. He has had the opportunity to give me much time, several hours per day (not every day, though).

The summer break of my therapy ends on Friday. I have survived! Nearly, at least.

Back To Work

2006-07-16T12:18:00.000+03:00

The hot days of summer are nearly gone. It's been windy and much cooler for a couple of days now as if to help me to turn my thoughts back to work. I don't really know how I'll manage the situation there. My therapist said that it's a question of motivation and will. Oh yes, I want to keep my work but at the same time I'm fed up with it. And the same applies to my relation to my colleague: I want to keep distance. I definitely don't want to beg him for anything. But at the same time I feel that I need his care desperately. And I'm afraid I'll find myself doing what I didn't want to do being not able to keep the distance, begging. That's what happened before my vacation, anyway. Not much has changed if he hasn't. Because I haven't, I'm the same lunatic as before.

Of course, the situation is unbearable. Something has to happen. I must change. I thought about this yesterday while walking in the forest where my thoughts were free to float. I thought that I could say to my boss that I want to continue if they want me to. But I could add that I'm not as efficient as I used to be. That I have my own problems which reduce my resources. And that I must solve some inner conflicts in relation to work (that is: my relation to my colleague). Or how should I put it? Something like that. It's the situation at the moment as frankly as I can express it.

Spinning Like a Broken Record

2006-07-14T09:42:00.000+03:00

One reason why I haven't written so often lately is that I haven't progressed a bit. There's no sense to repeat myself. I would like to tell you about huge steps forward but as long as I haven't taken any there's nothing to tell. I've waded in this swamp for half a year now. That's when my relationship with M started.

And yet so much has happened because now I know much more about myself than in the beginning. I know why I have difficulties with my relationships, why I tend to cling to people and why I suffer form loneliness. And also my relationships have developed slowly.

I don't find that my relationship with M is a major problem any more. He distanced himself from me in the spring. I have seen him only twice during the summer. I don't imagine that we'll have any future together - but I know that having an image of him inside me somehow helps me to cope. I don't need to see him to be able to keep his image but I need to call him occasionally. The only problem is that he may want to step aside completely. My hope is that when this happens I don't need him any more, that I have an image of being accepted and loved inside me without him or anybody else. Those're the guidelines of my self-therapy program. Doesn't that sound good?

And of course, I have my real therapy, too. I hope so, anyway, because I'm not sure how long I'm allowed to continue it. It's been only supportive therapy so far. There will be some assessment of my need for psychotherapy in the autumn.

By the way, I had a really nice day yesterday. I traveled by water-bus to an island with my daughter and her friend, and we spent the whole day there. It was wonderful to realize how little is needed for happiness. Only the sea, sunshine and glaciated rocks, that was enough. For girls the time seemed to fly. And I could have looked at the beautiful landscape for ever. I wish I've had a camera with me but I don't have a digital camera of my own yet.

Greetings

2006-07-12T23:35:00.000+03:00

Thank you, folks, for your comments! I've been so lazy to write in English lately. It's been so much easier in my mother toungue. So, I was in Italy with my daughter a week ago. I've had a long vacation this year, seven weeks totally. First, I had two weeks of sick leave and after that my 5-week summer vacation, from which I have one and a half week left.

Last time I had therapy we discussed about personality disorders and if I might have one. My therapist agreed that I have symptoms of both borderline and dependent personality disorder. Perhaps, not enough to fullfill the diagnostic criteria but enough to explain my behaviour, anyway. Now I have a two-month break from the therapy. My relationships and my work are still under construction. I met M at the weekend. We were paddling for five hours and swam several times along the route and were near each others - and now I'm missing him desperately. He didn't give me any promise to meet me again. So wise! Today I called him, and he answered. It ment so much to me. - Too much.

I called also my workmate. Said I'm doing all right, and that I'll continue my job as I promised earlier. How long, I depends... Not only on me.

My father's doing better now, much better than a week ago. He'll be sent home after he learns to eat and walk again. A piece of cake!

Nice summer for everybody! It's been an unusually hot summer here in Finland.