Evolved Moms - Blog

ahh the rollercoaster! Advice to a sad dad.

2009-06-12T13:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:
We adopted our son five months ago, he is now one. I have been home the whole time but now I must return to work. I am feeling torn between being with him and losing my mind being home. Can anyone but us care for him like we do? The job is okay – pays the bills but my husband and I have to work to keep on moving up. Will he be okay? Will I?

Sad Pop

Dear Sad Pop:

Welcome to the rollercoaster of parenting man. And this is just the first stop!
I learned very early on
That I knew nothing about parenting
And our son taught me everything
When he smiled – I knew I did it right
When he cried I knew it was wrong
As soon as I had something down pat, suddenly, he grew
And that skill no longer worked
Parenting is about playing catch up
Every six months
They seem to fully evolve
Listening to your kids and learning with them each day
Letting them lead the way

But the bigger lessons are about life
Balance
Time
What do you spend time on, what gives a bit, what matters most?

We have always felt that family comes first
But still work, meetings, people, cleaning – life seems to get in the way of life
A year ago last October
My wife was diagnosed with MS
And clearly it was time for a life pause
Not everyone needs such a universal wakeup call
But for us it was an important moment
don’t get me wrong – MS way sucks
but it also gave us a bit of a blessing

Suddenly
The little shit in life just doesn’t matter
People bickering at work
Bad drivers
Family politics
People who waste my time
Sweeping the floor
Hours of being home or away
stress
It all suddenly mattered less

I am not saying quit your job and move your gay family to the woods either
But all of the details
The stresses
The bull
Make it matter less
Your boy is going to get older no matter what
He will love you in a big house or a small one
With a huge job or part-time one
In childcare or homeschooled
He will love you
No matter what you do
He will love you
But he needs you happy
Unstressed
Satisfied by life

We have a short time
To enjoy and celebrate our families
This time around
In this life
I am going to savor every moment

When my wife and I need to go out
So be it – we get a sitter
If we want to stay in – super we are with the kids
Childcare
No childcare
Work or don’t work
Some are made to home school
Some are not
Some are made to work 80 hours a week
Some are not
What matters is the happiness
Find work your love
Find hobbies you enjoy
Love your family
And enjoy

It’s less about the time
Of course others can care for him

It’s the stress and worry that take time
and quality away

no worries, be happy now
do do do do do do do do do do do do don’t worry…

Evolved Mom - Stacey

Fresh vs frozen?

2009-06-03T14:48:00.011-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:

Okay we are ready to get prego! But, there are so many options of places and ways to get sperm, how do we know which road is best? We could use her brother (they look alike), frozen anon sperm, a friend.... Please help us!

mary and meg

Hey Mary and Meg,

I get asked this question often

and I could give you all of the pros and cons

of fresh vs frozen

talk about the best sperm banks

and the good bad and ugly of using a friend

but I figure

you are asking me because you know I am opinionated

so I am just going tell you what I think.

Using a sib, or any donor

to create someone that "looks" like both of you

is kind of false

the baby WILL be both of yours

just not biologically

so throw the "look" piece out

a small healthy bundle

with as few complications and red tape as possible is the goal

right?

Throw the friend idea out too

you are good people

that says to me

that your friends are good people

good people

see babies that are biologically theirs

and naturally want to connect

complicated and messy

regardless of intent and love

a guy you meet at a bar

no attachments

also no trust

lots of potential yucky ailments and issues

complicated, okay gross too! (I guess free though)

Frozen anonymous pop

"A" answer in my book

pre-screened and tested for all medical issues

can be delivered to your door

no red tape

no legal documents

no third party emotions

voila!

and as long as I am being opinionated

Small plug - California Cryobank - a personal favorite

great history

good practices

and even a generic attractiveness scale of the donor!

no matter which road you choose

you will still need to figure out how to handle the yucky stuff

will you do it at home or have your OB do it?

ovulation kits, vitamins, yoga...

so much to do

so much to decide

I say for the sperm

take the easy road.

good luck! Can't wait to hear how it goes!

seperate and not equal

2009-06-01T09:18:00.001-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:
This winter I went skiing with my whole family, my wife and kids and my sister and her partner and kids, a few cousins and our parents. Our whole family is super accepting of my sister being gay and her family is treated exactly the same as mine. I am writing because the whole week my sister kept making me feel like her family was in some way… better, I don’t know, more important, more unique than mine. I thought we were al l the same now, equal – especially in this family. What do you think I should do?
Straight Brother Markus

Hey Brother Markus!
First off – LOVE YOU! For your support
Your love of family and your sister
For being there and caring enough to ask

You are totally right and also a bit not all at the same time
We do all WANT equality and we all feel the same inside
We have the same talks in our homes
Same dreams
We all hate to clean (unless we are PMSing)
We all dream for our children
Clean the kitty litter boxes with disgust
Worry
Stress and laugh
We all give love and want love
We all want approval
But Brother Markus
Things are not the same

Let me break it down

When you go skiing in Utah
Life is always easy
Amazing snow
Great temperatures
Chairlifts go right to the base of the mountain
Life is good
Most of the time you can ski and get a tan all in one day
And that is what it is like in the US for a man and women to get married
And have a family
There is no hitch, no limit, no barrier

Now not so long ago in the US
Gay marriage and the creation of gay families
Were like skiing on the desert of Nevada in august
Just could not happen

Now I would say
It’s a bit more like skiing in New England
You never know the weather
You will need a lot of help from snow machines and luck to make it happen
Sometimes it will work
But most of the time there will be ice and rocks and
Long lines and frost bite
And impassible roads
and it’s really damn expensive!
And on some days,
If yu are extremely luck
And patient
And live IN new England (or Iowa) you just might have a good day of skiing

You see your sister
Like all gay people who want a family
Still has to fight for her rights
For equal treatment
today
Even in Iowa
Or Vermont
Or even Massachusetts

We are burdened with explaining a lot
We teach all the time
Just by existing
We have to protect ourselves
Filter input
Choose battles
And protect our kids
In very different way that you have to
Every day
Day after day
We have extra burdens still
Historic, legal and real

Even in an amazing families like yours
That love and accept – there was still a journey
Years of fear, DOMA, prop 8, don’t ask don’t tell
We are seperate and not equal
Not yet…

On your road to marriage and family I am sure there were twists and turns
But for your sister
There were roadblocks
Emotional, legal, physical
And to get to the end
To marriage and family
Took muscle
Took skill
Took bravery
Took planning
Took money
Took time

You two are the same
Family is the same
Love is the same
But our roads
Our not yet equal
And are a long way from being flat
Thank you for loving her
And caring
That is what will lessen the load

Evolved mom Stacey

You People

2009-05-08T08:30:00.006-05:00

Yesterday
I was effectively
"you peopled"
by a child at our kids school
not just any kid either
one who really really knows us
has been to our home
in our car
to our kids parties

I was waiting to pick up our daughter from kindergarten
I heard a child voice saying
"Hi Mrs. Harris"
which always makes me laugh
so formal
so my mother
so not me
I smiled at her
"you know honey you can just call me Stacey" I said
she just smiled up at me
and happily stated
"I can't tell you apart, so I just call you both Mrs. Harris"
and truly I was stunned.
silent actually - which is really weird for me
For one
Jessie and I really are not lookalikes
although occasionally matching we never twin EVER
(my mom does by us everything in twos..
but we do not wear them at the same time
okay maybe the sandals...)
My hair is shaved off, I wear ripped jeans
my eyebrow is pierced
I am short with glasses
I am boish
Jessie is tall and has hair (not long but long for a dyke)
and she is always dressed up, coming from work she is girly
so I sat silent
almost feeling slapped

so odd
to just be written off
you are just one of them
why should I bother to tell you apart
you are lesbians
same
even at 9 or 10 or 11 whatever she is
she saw us as a group
not me as a person
and felt no issue with that at all.

New President - New hope - A beginning

2008-11-06T19:52:00.006-05:00

America
was born
this week
given a new chance
to grow and thrive

We are fragile though
not tough
in our infancy

I worry about cockiness
lack of respect of the past

I worry about those who forget
we are still volatile
and new
with skin untouched
we have yet
to try on our new ways
our new feet

I am so tired to hearing people
who seem to feel that no longer does racism exist
that all is equal now
that all is forgotten

the white wealthy
unoppressed
I find
are overly ecstatic
somehow relieved

I am ecstatic too
but in a different way
I feel honored to be present
when our country finally did the right thing
not for the color
but the choice

I am humbled that President Obama
and this time in history
that he worked for
will give us all
the opportunity
to begin to do the work
that needs to be done

This time
in history
is a chance to start
we must respect our infancy
our newness
we must respect the past
what has come
what must never come again
what lies ahead
is hope

Obama I am sure
will add fertilizer
and sun
but if we do not supply the love
change cannot be

On the same day
that America
began to evolve

Parts of America became more ugly
Proposition 8
bans on gay adoption
ballot questions cramming
law and god into one basket
limiting affirmative action
limiting freedom
choice
life
love

some of the same voices
and citizens who
voted for Obama
also voted for hate
and limits and controll

we must respect our place in this miracle
we are new
we are infants
we are fragile
and volatile
now the work must begin

now our voices must be heard
in unison
at every racist comment
every gay joke
at every fallen policy
at every town hall
at every PTA meeting
on every subway
we must now work
and be seen
and be present

we are infants
but together
we can now grow
and become whole
and strong
change has come
and now
we must begin

we cannot grow weary
hope won
and it is our job
to keep hope fertile
and loved
the future depends on it
on us
Obama cannot do it alone

Hope

The future

Hope

Lil' Obama on Halloween!

2008-11-03T21:16:00.003-05:00

Halloween
Zion wanted to be Obama
Torin a cat
instead of saying trick-or-treat
I will say 'our time is now'!
One suit
One sign

For the school festivities
Zion shared the runway
with a pre-k teacher going as palin
another student who was Obama and a student going as mccain
all laughing together
the director of admissions went as Obama too!
we spent class time
making edible dirt and trick or treat bags
eating junk and feeling excited
the school day a success
of glee and sugar
truly an amazing day that the teachers
could keep the kids sane
knowing what lay ahead

Later, in our small
predominantly
white town
I wondered how
Lil'Obama would do
We rushed home from school
shoved dinner in
donned a suit for Zion
painted Torins face
and set out
In our small town
all of the kids walk to the center store
Fiske's - for a treat and to have their photo taken
to be placed in the window

Our entourage
a small black cat
two bundled lesbian moms
one stroller
and a small black boy
in a full suit leading us
carrying a large sign
"out time is now" on one side
"yes we can" on the other
as soon as we left the house
life changed
horns began honking as they passed
smiles
thumbs raised
more smiles
shock to giggles and happiness
Torin began to count
twelves honks for Obama mama
no fourteen now!
his excitement grows as each house
with an Obama sign
comes into view
and why shouldn't he?
house after house
Zion scored twice the candy as anyone else
several told him they would vote for him
and our little 8 year old reminded them
"not to forget to vote tuesday!"

it was an amazing opening
to meeting new neighboors
we had wonderful rich and full conversation's
and the kids scored big
Only at one house,
to be honest it did have a mccain sign,
were the treat giveres a bit tight with him
but the mountains of candy and well wishers
more than made that
a non existent memory

Zion handed out Obama stickers
smiled
and schmoozed as usual

I do believe
that little man
helped the vote
he made people think
about what matters
family
in all it's forms
freedom
role models
and change
laughter
and unity
it was amazing
Zion's future is bright

please vote
to make it
even brighter!

Sarah's Hard Rock Candy - A Must See

2008-10-19T20:21:00.002-05:00

The video says it all... Peggy Seeger (Pete Seeger's sister) wrote the song. My wife made the video - please share

Stupid Pokemon - advice

2008-10-07T11:06:00.004-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: After much deliberation we chose to send our kids to public school. We live in a great town with a great school system and pretty liberal and committed and involved parents. Now, after just a month, our 6 year old twins are sassy, argumentative and suddenly interested in children we would not chose for them not to mention activities we detest, like paintball and shows like "that's so raven" (which they have never seen). This is exactly what we were afraid of. But what can we do now. Moms from everytownamerica.

Dear Moms:

There is no way

as I have written many times before

to insulate, bubble wrap and filter your child

from the world

At a certain point

they will need to fall

make choices of their own

trust their intuition (and know where to find it and how to use it)

That being said

we all do our best

to help guide them

There is a kids who is around my son a lot

who NEVER shuts up

she pokes and man handles

is sassy and very rude

to kids and adults alike

she obeys no boundaries

she talks loudly in his face

I try hard not to tell him how much I dislike her

as a person

how much I detest her behavior

I try to say, how do you feel about what she is doing

or point out - wow she was speaking really loudly and close to you

How do you feel about that

or step in when it overwhelms him.

Pretty much unless we are talking politics or the Redsocks (where I tell my children all)

I try to be fairly neutral

which is hard for me

really hard

as I am extremely opinionated

but usually right (as I am sure you are too)

I d0 draw the line on violence and we have strict rules in our home

about such things.

no video games

no TV during the week

weekend TV no commericals . .

We went out of our way to help our son collect Bella Sara cards

Magical horse cards with magical powers

so he could still collect cars and feel part of gang, but not Pokemon

or other such stupid violent games.

And why do parents by these?

Just to drive me crazy I am sure!

I will never really know

weakness is my guess

to allow their children to fit in

maybe they justify the violence by believing that some learning is involved?

I don't know

Lazy maybe

aren't there better things our kids could be doing?

I remember collecting stamps, rocks, Lego's, books, teen beat magazines,

red sox cards,

pictures of joan jet and annie lenox tapes.....

anyhoo

no matter what we teach

our kids will always experiment

test the waters

and break all of our rules.

that's their job

that's how they learn and grow

Our job

is not to kill them when they make mistakes

we often say

you might not fully agree with our rules

and when you don't live here you can have whatever you want in your house

but these are the rules

and they are here to keep you safe and help you grow

because we love you

we keep door open to talk

and we talk a lot

no question is too hard

or adult

or scary

but sometimes

systems fail

That is why at 7:30 am today

when my wife found 2 Pokemon cards

and some other violent looking transformerish card

in Zions bag

we did not kill him

I actually left them out on his desk so he would know

we saw them

"sorry mama" he said as he carried them out

"I got them at school"

not a public school either - so don't think that is your issue

a 20,0000 dollar a year private school, with a

10-1 ratio

and parents who care and are involved

and like all parents

some make choices we might not agree with

just like some kids do

that is the world for kids

that is the world for adults

and your twins

just like my son

will need to learn to navigate those waters

"Please don't do it again"

"If they are truly your friends they will understand

that that is something you are not allowed to do"

and we move on

to another day

another lesson

another moment of teaching

and trying to walk the line

between smothering and teaching

protecting and allowing them to grow

preaching and repairing damage done

fearing and trusting

in them

Evolved Mom: Stacey

complaints - advice to grumpy daddy

2008-09-26T09:17:00.003-05:00

This sunday is nutcracker auditions
Zion can speak of nothing else
he wants to be Fritz - but is probably too young
emotional fall out to come...
we will see
at first I was dreading it all a bit
hours upon hours of driving, waiting, dinner in the car
rehearsals going late
schlepping our younger one along
but then today I received an advice question
from a very grumpy daddy in Log Angeles

He writes: Dear Evolved Moms, it seems that school has only just begun and my husband I are have become chauffeurs again. Drive to soccer, pick up from school, playdates - it never ends. I want my life back! How can we streamline this parenting thing? Grumpy Dad

Suddenly life became clear again for me.
our job
as parents
is to balance
is to support
is to be a catalyst
for their lives and hopes and dreams
Now, if your kid is just in too many activities
or their schedule is making homework and sleep complicated
that's another story...
But each kid had different needs
For Zion - 4 hours a week of ballet (soon to be 5)
is is zen space
his peaceful place
this balances him
and I should be - and am thankful that he found something he loves this much.
letting him push himself
and supporting where he wants to go
isn't that our job?
who am I to stand i the way of his progress
I am not pushing him to go
and I also should never
make his dreams hard to reach
beacuse I "don't feel like it"
this is his dream

we all have them too

signing up to parent
is a bit like signing up to be a chauffeur
party planner
organizational therapist
but that is also the best art

grumpy dad - you must chill
you must learn to help them grow and still have a life
if driving them to school is one of your stressors you have a lot to rethink about your scheduling..

Cheers to the future soccer players
ballet dancers
contractors
presidents (we could sue a new one eh?)

Here to the future
I hope we all do our best helping them get there.

peace

Evolved Mom Stacey

Houdini Dog

2008-09-17T19:22:00.004-05:00

Okay, so now I need advice.

Each weekend we pack up the kids

and mike the dog

and drive to p-town to our little shop

I thought it might be good to get a portable crate (lightweight...)

so I did not have to bring the metal one each time

15 minute into the adventure

I hear him wrestling in the crate

but I know he is in there

I zipped it myself

and then I see something in the rear view

Mike

on top of the luggage!

He had smushed his nose a certain way and unzipped it.

We pull over

tie the ends of the zipper together

10 minute later

Houdini dog says hello

and scare the shit out of me

We resolve to keep him in the front as we finish our trip

Mike is thrilled

and the kids think it's hysterical

On Sunday

after have a "gay old time" on the cape

We stop at the x-ass tree shop and

purchase yet another more solid - yet portable crate

with 5 minutes has his nose out and is happily

climbing up to the front seat

kids cackling all the way

moms getting pissed

We but a pigs ear and tie the crate again

mike chews his way out in 5 minutes

35 dollars later

mike is happily being king

up in the front

with his gay mommies

and the kids are in tears of laughter and glee

Lesson: Dogs love the front seat

kids love to laugh at moms

P-town is for the whole family

give into the roller coaster of life

But, as we are going again on Friday

any advice of puppy restraint

or ways to deflect butch embarrassment

at not being able to restrain a tiny cockapoo

are welcome

Evolved Mom Stacey

facing fears - advice

2008-09-13T17:22:00.003-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:
I am just terrified, my son started Kindergarten this week. I can't sleep. I feel like we have created this safe, bias-free, empowering little world for him and now he is out there, alone and we are not there to help him. To guide him. To keep the assholes away from him. I find that I am picking him up early, finding excuses to keep him home. What do you think? I know I need to chill out, but it's hard. Thanks. J & J

Dear J & J:

Letting go is the hardest part of parenting. And the most important.
Assholes will exist.
At school
at work
on the playground
but if they never learn to stretch their self help muscles
how will they ever survive?
Fear is a really hard place to live - for any of us
Our daughter started K last week
I am afraid she is too tired - the day is long
she is shy
it is hard for her to say "no" to kids who might be unkind
some of the kids are amazing..
some of the families are amazing...
some might not be our cup of tea - but time will tell
we will guide her, but ultimately, she needs to make the right choices
and we have helped her and will continue to, as you have

it has been an interesting summer for all of us here
and fear at times has been a factor
but I have decided
at least for me
that living with fear
only inhibits my living
and all of those around me

I needed to say
I am longer going to live in fear of:
bills
MS
kid choices
taking huge risks
what anyone else thinks
things that really I have no control of anyway
or things I cannot grow without

Maybe you need a list too..
he will go
he will fall
he will get up
he will be powerfull
with his own wings
and you have helped him become powerful
let him fly
fear is no place to live...

Evolved Mom Stacey

Where the hell have you been?

2008-08-22T09:46:00.004-05:00

where have we been?

well here is our marathon summer:

end of school

northampton pride

recitals

boston pride

atlanta pride - decided we might just be too old to go to so many prides!

R Family Cruise to Canada - wow

High School Musical Camp - zion was troy!

Basketball camp

mini sports camp

2 weeks of ballet camp

built a store for one week in P-town for family week (okay that was a lot!)

landlord offered us the space to try for a few other weekends

excited

scared

excited beat scared

drove back and forth from home to p-town 10,000 times (but loved every minute of it)

even the lack of sleep

got dog fixed

2 kids in hip hop camp

decided to commit to store in p-town for All of next summer (wow) come visit!

(205 commercial street in the aquarium mall!)

made pregnancy belly cake for best friends baby blessing party

kissed wife

got rid of wife's crappy car and upgraded

drove to p-town one more time

saw friends

back to school shopping for the boy who grew out of everything

bought a first day of kindergarten dress - not for me

heard my daughter say fuck 3 times in a row - apparently kids do copy what they hear - oops!

forgot school forms

made MD appointments to do the forms

bought ballet shoes for two kids - men's sizes now!

planned next tattoo

watched Torin begin to learn to read!

didn't sleep enough

enjoyed some sun

have relief that wife is feeling great

bought some kinda girly shoes for a wedding

and laughed a lot

and now we are back.

whew.

happy almost fall

Road Trip

2008-07-01T06:18:00.003-05:00

We are leaving for Gay Pride Atlanta
We go to many prides each summer around the country
normally, being moms
we leave in the dark of night
trimming any unneeded minute
condensing
so that the kids
have little time
without us
we leave at midnight
fly red eyes to LA
work 14 hour days and then return with no sleep
we leave lists and gifts and extra directions and love
we worry

But this year
we decided
mommies need time
to love and play too!
so instead of flying
instead of red eyes
instead of dashing and sweating and forgetting
and losing our minds
my wife and I are driving
to Atlanta
girls on a road trip
Thelma and Louise
without the guns and men and crashing off the cliffs thing
we are taking time
for us
how novel eh?

Last night I wrapped small gifts
so each morning a small surprise they would have
the house is full of food
the notes are written

but today - we will simply be women
tattooed, windows down, music blaring
in love
road tripping
travelin
and only worrying a tiny bit
about the babies

Take time
for yourselves

and come see us in Atlanta
or on the R Family Cruise
or in P-Town for Family Week

Maybe we will look more rested!

Happy pride!

do I look like I have a husband to you? - advice

2008-06-24T08:04:00.008-05:00

Dear evolved moms: We have visited and applied to 3 preschools for our son. ALL of the forms for ALL of the school have applications which read mother and father. He has TWO DADS! Crossing off and filling in is just not enough. Can we send him to a school that cannot even handle this simple form change to be inclusive? Exasperated dads!

Dear Dads: Ugg!
I hear ya. The polite answer is yes.
you can send him
but you will also need to do some education around these issues
and about why they segregate and exclude GL families
Choose a school based on all of the issues
the education, comfort and feel
love to your child.....

okay - as I am not known for being polite
here is my other answer
I too and sick as hell
of the laziness and arrogance and heterosexism
that goes into moments like the ones you are dealing with
Schools, camps and companies need to wake up
and realize we all exist

There are times,
when we do not feel like educating
or as you say - crossing out and filling in
why should we?

This week I went to T-mobile
to get my wife a new phone
hers had broken
It had been a long day
I had two kids with me
and the clerk said
I was not an authorized user on the account
I said we were legally married
I had the Social security numbers and pins
finally she said
"your husband needs to come in to authorize you"
i just snapped
"DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A HUSBAND?
GET REAL LADY, LOOK AT THIS FAMILY.
THIS IS MASACHUSETTS FOR CHRISTS SAKE!"

sometimes
we just have to say it like it is
not pussy foot around the issues
speak your mind.

Am I advocating yelling
of course not
there were clearly better roads I could have taken
but sometimes
you just need to speak your mind

We'd love for our son to come here
but our family needs to be included in all ways
and that includes the forms
kapeesh?

To parent or not to parent - advice to the unsure

2008-06-17T07:59:00.004-05:00

At Boston Pride this weekend
a lesbian couple
came up to our booth to shop
talk, get some advice
They asked all the hard questions
can you have it all? how hard is parenting? what do you give up?
can you still have your time? freedom? travel?
do you ever regret having kids?

We all chatted for a while
one with Jessie, one with me, then all together

Simply put
parenting is hard
if you are good at it
committed and dedicated
then
it is harder than just about anything you can possibly imagine
and every parent
wants to strangle their kids from time to time
in the rough moments
(Although most will deny that and I don't know why)
but
with that said
we wouldn't change it for the world
parenting is hard
but it is also the most loving
powerful, exhilarating roller coaster ride
full of moments so wonderfully intense you cannot imagine
little triumphs making your world a better place and
giving you renewed hope in the universe and in humanity

My wife also made and amazing point
and I totally agree
that without being a parent
or having a very significant roll with children
one cannot fully evolve as an adult
and mature
and learn about ones self
(she said it better)

screw the army
this is the toughest job
and it's all love
and I would not change a thing

Evolved Mom - Stacey

no time is wasted

2008-06-09T09:11:00.010-05:00

When I was 17

I found a place where I belonged

cambridge mass

harvard square

just outside the train station

the pit

Mohawks and nose rings

skateboards and suspenders

london in america

we looked angry and tough

we were really smushy and goofy

and happy and no one really knew

how soft we were inside

none of us judged each other

we were all different

which made us all the same

runaways and rich kids

gay and straight and virginal and unsure

and no one

cared

if I was a tomboy

blue haired

skateboarding girl

figuring myself out

My mother

hated it

all of it

the hair

the kids

the skateboarding

the tough look

the separateness of it all

the difference

for me

it was freedom

acceptance

a place to work it all out

When my son's 8th birthday

was approaching

this year

I asked him

what kind of cake he wanted

a hip hop dance party AND

A skateboard park cake

awesome I said

I happen to be an expert in that area

No time in life is wasted

if we use each moment to the fullest

as parents we must accept all our kids have to show us

our job is to help them get to the next place

they need to be, where thay want to go

it is their journey

and I just feel so blessed

that sometimes

our adventures and life lessons

intersect

peace

(Please note, that although my shirt looks preppy - those small white dots are actually skulls and I stole the shirt from my son - so all is still cool)

super mom?

2008-06-04T09:08:00.005-05:00

Mommies and daddies

I have decided
are not allowed to pee
We do not always get a shower
we eat last
get up from the table more
sleep less
work harder
and wipe more shit
than nurses and farmers combined

Mommies and daddies
needs
are last in line
and lets be honest
sometimes
it not the most fun job
in the world

this month I have not written as much as I wanted too
bathed as much as I needed
sat through a whole meal
without being asked to get something else, or more, or different
or had enough
uninterrupted conversation
with my wife

on our anniversary (14th wedding)
our daughter had the flu
and was in the hospital
ugg

But then
right when I had tried to blog
for the 15th time
tried to take a bath
tried to get anything accomplished
right when I was sure I was about to
lose my mind

my daughter came in the room
and planted a sugary sticky chocolate filled kiss
right on my cheek
and told me she loves having
two mommies (and faries, horses, shells and our house!)
then our son's ballet teacher e-mailed and
told us how excellent he is doing

the world kind of froze in time
I suddenly realized
our dog no longer pulls on the leash when we walk him (which I hate)
the sky watered the plants for me so I didn't have to
and Jessie and I got to go to see
the True Colors Tour in Boston
stay out late
and act like silly 18 year old love sick kids
and no one fussed about us going
even though it was last minute
a sudden change
a really late night

and
I realized
I didn't care
If I never get to pee
If I smell like crap
If the kids whine
or if the dog pees in the house

I have the best job
in the freaking world
being mom to our brood
and our life
is full
of wet sticky gooey chocolaty kissing love
which happens to be my favorite kind and the
very best flavor
and I wouldn't change a thing

so I am pulling my cape on
and being super mom
and flying the kids to school

I have to pee
I have not showered
but I am wearing one hell of a smile!

cheers to mothers day past and fathers day coming!

passports - funny moments in gay parenting

2008-04-22T13:02:00.004-05:00

We have been hedging
on getting passports done

It stresses me just thinking about it
Gathering all of the adoption info
Birth names
Adoption certificates.
That was so hard to get initially.
So we hedge
Can I really hand over those docs?
I fear what they will ask us
In this small town
Of course,
We have been waiting until the last possible moment
We have a cruise in July – so this is it
No wiggle room
We load up the car
Grumbly children on an errand
The postal worker asks – are both parents present
We both sigh – yup
He kinda looks at us
Dykey moms
Black babies
He goes back to work
I get nervous
Jessie is tense
We fill out all pages
With the eyes and hands of forensic scientists
We will leave no space for error
No room to deny us
Place of birth, date of birth…
Cross every T
We walk up to the counter
Pictures taken
Two older white men behind the counter
With the power
One looks at us
Okay ladies
“Who want to be the father?” He smiles with a small smile
"That would be me" I say
I whisper to Jessie – "Honey I’m a daddy!"
The other man
Just looks at us
And then said
In a very serious voice
“You’d think they could finally figure out a system that works for everyone by now eh, other agencies have"
Have a good trip.
I love people
I love this town
I laugh, we smile
I’m a dad.

father-daughter dance - advice

2008-04-16T19:24:00.011-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: What do we do when the annual father-daughter dance arrives - and there is no dad? Two moms :(

Dear Two concerned Moms.
This is a complicated one.

I would say the best place to start is a place of understanding
and a freaking big deep breath!

Fighting a school is hard
so if you are going to jump in
have your eyes open and be ready to go all the way.

My assumption, unless I am missing some facts in your situation
is that the father daughter dance is a tradition
brimming with good intentions,

Norman Rockwellian moments and yearbook photo ops
no intent to exclude,

no intent to make things harder for you, for us
for anyone different
but unfortunately, like many school events, like most life events
same-sex parented households, gay people, gay students, gay teachers
and yes, unfortunately, children of gay and lesbian parents
are and will be
constructively and automatically

excluded from many of these “traditional moments”
life milestones
at least until the world catches up

90% of the time
the exclusion exists with no intent on the part of the school
but also
with no forethought either (how hard would it have been to assume someone could be excluded really? Or to think ahead of potential impacts – surely they knew you were there? Hmmm)

Sadie Hawkin's dance, kissing booths, prom, sex ed, and yes,
the historic father-daughter dances too, are long standing traditional school events.

the purpose I suppose
- to celebrate the parent-child relationship
and the typical traditional father-daughter relationship

the events are
loved, planned, feverishly waited for
and yes – exclusive
As you know.
School administrators these days are playing a big game of catch up
And at the same time, also playing politics,
please the system,
please the parents,
please the teachers and
don’t step on any toes in the process
In the ever-changing America
The game gets pretty complicated
– I don’t envy the principals of today – but I also think they are often pretty wimpy where it counts and maybe it’s time they start hearing about it a bit, eh?

Certainly most are not spending their time
sitting around debating and wondering:
how does a gay student feel at our prom or will having a kissing booth make anyone feel uncomfortable or how would a gay family feel chaperoning at one of these dances? Or how does a lesbian teacher feels at part of my teaching team or what it is like to be a gay family in their school community?
Even the curriculum in most places is quite exclusive of diversity and gay families – luckily not in ours but in that regard I would bet we are an anomaly.

I would assume unfortunately
That your school never saw this conversation coming
After taking a BIG breath here is what I would do:
I would broach it peacefully
With an eye to awareness and education
Looking for common ground and common understanding
This dance does exclude lesbian-headed households - but many others as well.

I would start with normalizing:
If the intent is to celebrate the parent-child relationship, can we expand that definition a bit?
- Tell them the percentage of children in your area that are being raised by single moms,
- number of families that have 2 moms or 2 dads
- the percentage of kids living w/foster parents, grandparents or a sibling
- family w/no daughters who are simply excluded by birth alone
- all caring family who would love to participate...

Next I would:
Give them a copy of -Involved, Invisible, Ignored this can begin to help them understand what what it FEELS like to be a GLBT family in their community.

-Then I would ask about short term alternatives:
For this year, can we?
-Can we send a very important uncle?
-or can a mom go?
- Can we change the name to parent-child dance?

If the climate feels good to you. Feels safe to you, I would also:

. Reach out to: The PTA for support, and then

. Single moms at the school
· Reach out to other same-sex parents
· Look for all of our amazing allies in the non-gay community
· Sound infinitely reasonable in all of your conversations with the school (even though you know they are being short-sighted, imbecilic and archaic – which if you are hitting roadblocks you know they are)

Unfortunately, one of the components that goes hand-in-hand with being gay, and especially being a gay parent, is education
Acting in the realm of crisis
Will make it a crisis
And truthfully, once we throw out the gay card – people
As we have learned over time
Just simply become reactive
Even when we are not. There lies the rub.
Stay clear about your objectives
Try to be flexible
And be honest with your child about the goal
This sucks honey – lets see how we can make it fit for this dance and work on making it fabulous for next year. And truly – ask your child what they want.. If they even want to go, who they want to take them. If they want to go and they want you – why shouldn't you have the right to be there? Just make sure it is their fight.
Remember, this is your kid's community

you want to be reasonable first – you don’t want to have your kid go to school each day in a world that is full of chaos.
That said
When all else fails
If no one will listen and you really feel this is your fight and this is your time
When you have done everything reasonable, acted like a mature parent and concerned member of the community and feel that all roads have been blocked….
I would enlist some muscle.
Local media will scare the shit out of any red-blooded American principal
Gay media will certainly always have your back
Pflag and Family Equality have a well-respected, reasonable voice and presence

(great for bridge-building while still being scary!)
And any local lesbian biker club would surely be happy to offer you a dramatic
Ride to the event in question and I’m sure would be gallant escorts!

and if you're lucky to be able to pass, like me
you should adorn your most favorite coat and tie
and simply smile as you say
"hey, just trying to fit in"

Please let us know how it goes.

Here is your new mantra
Reasonable, respectable,
rejected, rebuffed,
react, radical,
rebel, rejoice

Perfect day

2008-04-13T16:19:00.004-05:00

I am learning
to put myself
first
prioritize
things seem to fall in line
when we worry less
with time
with distance
I learned this month
to turn off the e-mail before bed
and not turn it on again
until after
I enjoy
my rice crispies
in peace
They can wait....
Life is seeming to fit
struggle less
breath seems easier
This Saturday was amazing
spring here in boston

14 years ago
in May
Jessie and I were married
My parents did not come to the wedding
9 years ago we told my mother
3 times
on 3 separate occasions
that we were adopting
trans racially
4 years ago, when marriage became legal
she came
On saturday
I walked into a hardware store
in my new town
to by rope (the really expensive purple kind)
and left Torin and my mother in the car
when I returned
my mother was reading
a gay family ABC book to my bi-racial daughter
without skipping a beat
"My mommies always choose vanilla, but I like chocolate best" she read
wow
time
Saturday
my kids spend the day swinging from a new rope swing
my parents worked on a new tree house for them
jessie's body did not hurt
in fact she hammered and climbed and soccered with the rest of us, amazing
Torin told us she hates ballet - that it's only "for boys!"
and Zion walked though the supermarket
with his face deep in a pink disney princess book
not even aware that many parents would shun
such behavior
silly limits and rules, makes me kinda laugh

flowers bloom
positive light grows stronger
karma
life is good
what a perfect day
I am truly blessed.

Dodgeball - advice to dads in Atlanta

2008-04-11T09:49:00.005-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: My husband and I are looking at a few new areas in Atlanta to move to so our kids have access to a better school system. As gay dads what are some ways we can feel out the neighborhood and know if its welcoming to us? Pop and Papa (dads of 4 boys!)

Dear Pop and Papa,

to be honest
life as gay parents
is like dodge ball in 4th grade
you walk out onto the field
if you are chosen first
you know
your peers think you
are cool and unique
and will have your back
instantly
If you are chosen last
with hesitation
with fear and regret
beware
you are about to get nailed
from all sides

My advice
walk out on the filed
hold hands
walk though the school
smile and be very
open and out
be who you truly are
If folks come to you
look you in the eyes
say appropriate things
you are on the A team
no worries
and can rest and visist and be social
in most any backyard in that neighborhood
as well as the PTA
and know support is with you.
If you feel eyes on you
notice discomfort
secret whispers
a shift in the air
duck,
kickball at 9:00!
I know life is not this simple
But finding a safe home really is
Unless you are willing to educate everyday
defend
question
and worry
everyday
then find a place when you can just be at peace
and be one family in the community
not one different family
or one novel family (even though I know you are special!)
We live in the burbs - horse country!
but we really tested it out first
we walked to town
played with our African American kids at the playground
asked questions
Are there bigots here?
Sure, they are everywhere - that's life
but here they are polite and keep their comments to them selves
Difference exists and always will
but you deserve peace
as do your boys
Pick a town where you know
you can all go to the ice cream shop
holding hands
or to the 4th of July parade as a family
and just look at the floats
not looking over your shoulder
every moment
for the impending sting of the ball

Good luck!

XOXO
Evolved Mom - Stacey

Sperm Allergy - Advice to a yucked out mama to be

2008-04-06T08:42:00.021-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: Do u think someone can be allergic to sperm? I know it's crazy but each time I go for an insemination session (4th month of trying) I feel totally gross, yucky and eventually itchy. Almost like a yeast infection. Am I crazy?

Dear Spermophobe: So, science first. There are actually a minority of people in the world who are allergic to sperm. According to Estronaut a web forum focusing on women's heath.

"Like just about any other substance, it is possible to be allergic to semen. An allergic reaction is the result of the immune system overreacting to a foreign substance. The immune system recognizes the presence of something that is not part of the body, and it rushes to the location where the unfamiliar material is detected."

For the record, actually being blessed with this allergy is extremely rare. So if you really believe this might be true, please go get checked out by your GYN and rule it out
before you read on.

Okay, now that you know you are not actually allergic to the nasty little suckers, let me offer you an alternative perspective.

If you are like me
or really like any other
red-blooded American
dyke on the planet
the idea of sperm completely freaks you out
you imagine creepy little faces swimming angrily in the test tube
and each and every little fishy
reminds you of the one time
you actually touched
or was close to having
to touch or see
an actual penis in high school
behind the bleachers
or playing truth or dare
or for me the memory is of larry's club house
on a rainy Saturday after Hebrew school
at 13
To be honest
I couldn't even type the word semen in this blog
I had to cut and paste it so I didn't have to
...shit .....I just wrote it... AHHHH

Okay, back to the point.
I think you have a big case of the Lezzies
look, sperm just ain't in our world, let alone our bodies!
totally normal and nothing to panic about

so without even charging you for an office visit
I have the perfect prescription for you

Focus with me

you want a baby with your wife
and, at least for now
try and try as you might (hee hee)
you just can't get her pregnant on your own
so you need something to get the ball rolling right?

Our 5 year old daughter
wanted to hear her birth story
after hearing her brother's adoption story
we told her we needed a special chemical
that a woman's body needs to make a baby
and the
doctor put it in mommy
and she began growing
and that is all you need
simple as that
all sperm is
is a faceless
non-scary
non-childhood adolescent memory
chemical
to help you create your family.
Just like cars need gas to go
we need this awesome chemical called sperm
to get us moving

So focus on the result
and I bet the itch will go

Evolved Mom - Stacey

One Love - Advice to a closeted mom

2008-04-03T11:05:00.005-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: What is the best way to come out to your children? Mine are 7 and 5 and they have already been asking questions and want to see me kiss my girlfriend. I have explained a little bit to them. I told them that i liked girls...the kissing kind of like. They kind of understand, or so i thought. My daughter said, I'm gay because i like girls. like my friends at school and you... So i need some help explaining exactly what it means to be gay. Thanks

Dear Closeted Mom:

They know

in whatever way

a kid can understand

believe me

they get it

kids are super sensitive to difference

and wanting to fit in

They know your family looks different

and that had to not only be okay

but you need to be in charge of making it

almost a non issue

so when the comments fly

in 5th grade

or even when a curious 6 year old asks your kids where their daddy is

they can have a cool

non-defensive

and confident answer.

There is no room and no air to grow a family - in a closet.

I think all they need is love

and a little bit of exposure

the right words

and they will get it

Our kids are the same ages

But they have never had a day, when we weren't out

It's not about flaunting

its about living naturally

organically

and letting them see

that you are proud of who you are

We have told our kids

Our love is the same love

as other mommies and daddies have for each other

They know the words gay and lesbian-they say them loud at times

- even louder than we might be ready for

"hey mom? Is she gay" - they bellow across the park

We tell them that there are all kinds of love

and we make sure to have many kid appropriate books that show

families like ours

We go to gay family events from time to time

Contact Family Equality to see what is in your area

But the only important thing

is to be open and honest

teach them to be proud of you and of themselves by example

you have nothing to hide

and kids are funny

sometimes they really get it and don't need to know more

they will ask you if they do

In our house

we have hot a whole new level

sometimes the kids seem sad when I say

- you know guys, you might not be gay and that's okay!

we will love you like crazy no matter what you are

and no matter who you love!

Be open - be proud - teach pride

Evolved mama - Stacey

A place for everything

2008-03-31T19:21:00.003-05:00

It has come to my attention that some newer visitors to this blog were offended by my recent post about homophobia at our children’s school. So offended that they found it necessary to find read, print, discuss, distribute and introduce it to the headmaster of my children’s elementary school.

Perhaps we should first discuss what a blog is, maybe that would help our new readers have some context for my last rant, and all of my previous years of rants, advice and poetic comments of participatory journalism.

Wikipedia defines a blog as:
(an abridgment of the term web log) a website where entries are commonly displayed in reverse chronological order. "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.

Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic. The ability for readers to leave comments in an interactive format is an important part of many blogs. Most blogs are primarily textual, although some focus on art (artlog), photographs (photoblog), sketchblog, videos (vlog), music (MP3 blog), audio (podcasting) are part of a wider network of social media. Micro-blogging is another type of blogging which consists of blogs with very short posts. As of December 2007, blog search engine Technorati was tracking more than 112 million blogs.

Each blog has it’s own raison d’etre if you will. Ours has always been to create and provide a space, a community for gay and lesbian parents to connect, find comfort, seek advice and share stories - commonality. A place for opinioned rants – mine, as the heading clearly states – and most importantly, a place to fit, complain, come together. And all who love, all who want to learn, all who are open are welcome.

That said, perhaps we should also discuss what is and is not appropriate when dealing with conflict - in a child’s educational setting – in THAT context and environment and also in a separate media editorial blog context.

You see
I was SHOCKED when I received a call from the school
Asking me to meet with the headmaster
Telling me a family had read my blog and was upset
In fact one family had informed another of the blog…
So then there were two…
Worlds collided
There is a time, place and way to be in all contexts
Like when you are at work and a colleague introduces a political joke, or over personal conversation. Very uncomfortable – because the two just don’t fit together. I believe there are appropriate places and times to discuss these issues. When I go to work I wear a suit, cover my tattoos and take out my eyebrow ring. Life has its uniforms and frankly I am ok with most them.

This blog
My blog
Has a purpose
An audience
A place that it fits
A need that it fills
An importance
Not just for myself but for many – internationally
Gay families need places to feel – discuss – share and connect
To feel free to express
Uninhibited
Unafraid
Just as coats and ties have a place
There is a modality to blogging and ranting that differs from the
Office modality, the subway way of being and the elementary school modes of communication and language.
Look – you don’t wear a tuxedo to go mountain climbing.

When discussing this incident of homophobia at our school
I did not wear the activist hat
I did not use the radical voice
Or the advocate mantra
My hat was MOM
And I speak and spoke with an eye to my kids
And a community that I cherish and greatly feel blessed by.
I would NEVER introduce this mode
Blogging mode
of language into our school
Everything has a place – a uniform if you will
And coming from the side of difference
Of oppression
Of “other” for so long
Perhaps I understand these rules better than most.

We chose to handle this situation maturely
With an understanding of people’s processes
Kid gloves
An eye to, yes, educate
But as organically as possible

I chose to share this incident on my blog
Because it is relevant
And important
And allows dialogue and learning
And a place for me to vent - which was quite needed
And this is exactly the type of moment that
I have written about
and answered questions about for years
Unchanged

But now
Another
Has introduced
My professional activist voice and language
My external poetry
Into the mom, child, educational arena
And is condemning my language
In that arena

I am not naive
I know that what I write is public
We are syndicated
If you Google
“my daddy’s name is donor” (one of our T’s)
Every conservative site across the net has an article condemning us
And I value the dialogue
I value the challenge
Frankly I value the publicity - can’t hurt eh?
I expect it in the world
And in All appropriate contexts

I am shocked however
And I find myself feeling violated and invaded
That parents at our school
Chose to expend time and energy
Seek out, find, read, print, discuss, complain about and
Then bring to the headmaster of our school
Out of the context of the full blog
This one entry
And condemn

The writing was done appropriately in context
Where it fits
It is the bringing of my writing
Where the violation exists for me
Why were they even reading this blog?
Clearly not for advice or to purchase gay baby clothing for their kids
I did not ever intend for this to occur
Good god
Imagine if all of our writings
All of our political views and biases
Our communications at work
Poetry we published in college
from our church sermons to graffiti
Our first novels depicting our hard childhoods to
Letters to the editor of People
Imagine if all of these were brought before all of our peers
In all contexts
My, that would be pretty!

I am so very disappointed
That this occurred
No parent spoke to us directly – as we did out of respect for them
And look, conflicts will arise
Disagreements occur and discussion about them is
Of utmost importance
And how they are handled lays the groundwork for the future

But in this case
what did they seek to accomplish?
To silence us?
Remove us?
Cover up our concerns and erase them?
hide their embarrassment?
Did they assume the headmaster would agree with them?
Gang up with them and bully us into silence
Did they expect the school to participate in quieting us
In our external editorial?
How distressing!

Our school howeveras always
Acted with grace and care
And a huge dose of support and respect for
Our kids - our family - all families
Diversity
The administrators engaged in a deliberate
Open dialogue with us
And we are grateful for that

The issue for the kids is resolved
But we have no closure

And now here is the rub
There is now
A palpable level of discomfort at school
Once our haven

People are talking – as people do
We handled this situation perfectly calmly maturely
Thought it was done
And yet it is not over
We now do not know who to trust
Who are our friends?
Our allies
Or at least the folks who are open to us or learning more
Who will now become closed to us
Due to this
Due to gossip
Due to discomfort

We feel violated (weren’t we already wronged once in this already?)
We feel somewhat stifled and edited
And now we must be defensive
And wonder what folks think
Who they are talking to
Again we must feel “different”
Must I worry each time I post of who I will please and anger in each phrase?
Of who is reading this blog?

And why come here?
Why read
If our blog does not fit your world view
If you are easily offended
there are 47 million other blogs
Just click and you will be freed from our liberal
Opinionated blathering
If I choose to listen to Imus
Or Dr. Laura or Rush
I am not shocked when I find I am offended

I am at a complete loss now
Mitigated only by the fact
That our children went to school the next day
Skipping
Blissfully unaware and unpoisoned
By all of this chaos

My wife said to me
What is important
Is our love
Helping to raise our amazing kids
And being blessed to be able to educate and help the world
So be it.

baby sage turns 5

2008-03-30T20:01:00.006-05:00

It took longer to make the cake
than to make Torin Sage
first try at the GYN office
and 5 days later
Jessie was nauseous

It took longer to design the cake
choose the ingredients
cut the shapes
than to narrow down on the donor
we knew in an instant
which one was right
and magical
and for us

It took longer to mix and bake
decorate (yup it's all edible)
assemble
and color
than for Torin to be born
The cake was 72 hours of labor
Jessie was in labor for only a hellish 6

How can it be
that the miracle of our daughter
took less time

I think of families who do not cherish
do not respect
do not dote on their babies

Every day with Torin is a miracle
magical
and a blessing

cherish your little ones
bake them cakes of doggies and lakes
give them the world
show them it's beauty
so that they can pass on the
love
to their children

ah family
ah love
that's how to change the world

one magical cake at a time
(Zion wants a skate board park cake - goddess help me!)

Happy birthday Torin Sage!
thanks for picking us!