Life as a Hero

Limits of Tolerance

2008-08-21T13:15:00.002-04:00

Limits of tolerance...what does that mean? In our society it is considered ideal to be very tolerant of differences between individuals. Should we limit this tolerance?

Absolutely not. But what we do need to do is build limits in regards to the kinds of behaviors and attitudes we will accept from someone who is in or attempting to build a relationship with us.

Will you tolerate a lover lying to you? What lies are acceptable (if any) and which are not? Will you tolerate an employer selling your contact information as part of a mailing list? Have you even thought about this kind of thing? You may not like a behavior, but will tolerate it within a relationship. For some things, such as whether or not a spouse keeps their magazine pile straight all the time, the consequences and underlying dynamic are benign. For other things, however, the behavior may well be indicative of very real underlying problems. Let's look at an example:

Two people, we'll designate them as G1 and G2, have been on three dates. During the fourth date, G1 sees a friend and waves from across the restaurant. G2 immediately bristles slightly. "Who was that?" -- G1: "Just a friend." -- G2: "Are you seeing them, too?" -- G1: "No...scheeze!" -- G2 looks apologetic and strokes G1's hand: "I just love you so much it makes me crazy to think of you seeing anybody else. I'm sorry."

Do you tolerate this jealousy or break off the relationship? Jealousy is never a good sign. To see such a display of jealousy, even though quickly over, points to some very serious problems on the part of G2. Eventually, the relationship between G1 and G2 will have difficulties and may become destructive if the relationship continues and as long as G2's jealousy remains. Other "nasties" to watch out for are insecurity, possessiveness, demanding, and polarized attitudes and/or intolerance of differences between people (often shows up as sexism, racism, ageism, and so forth). They are the symptoms of deeper problematic issues.

Not everyone who demonstrates these characteristics will be an extreme manipulator or an ultra-authority. Even so, all of them will have troubled interpersonal relationships simply because they themselves are not psychologically health. Do not think that such problems are easily cleared up, nor that they will clear up on their own. Depending on how deeply rooted the underlying problem is, the individual will need to do some real and truthful soul-searching or they may even need professional help (and do a lot of hard work themselves) to bring themselves to a healthy state.

On the other hand, there are people who do deliberately manipulate others and teach their followers to do the same (having first built of the 'need' for such ploys in the minds of their followers/affiliates). One of the things manipulators count on is that most people have not built solid mental fences about what they will and will not tolerate from others.

For example, would you tolerate a teacher or mentor that humiliated you? Would you leave and find a different teacher, or would you accept the "reason" that the first teacher gave you for the humiliation? The reasons will always sound plausible if coming from a conscious manipulator. (The excuses and reasons given will often sound plausible even if the person is unconsciously manipulating!) Would you stay in the situation (tolerate it) if you witnessed an employer or pastor humiliating others?

The bottom line in all cases is simply this: Do you tolerate behaviors and attitudes from others which show disrespect towards you (or others) as a person? Do you demand to be respected? To have your thoughts and feelings respected? To have your background, education, and experience respected? You don't have to have come from the rich side of town, have a PhD, or have climbed the Himalayas to have these aspects of yourself respected! They are a part of you, your viewpoint, and your understanding: it doesn't matter if you grew up dirt poor, have a 6th grade education, or have lived in the same small town all your life. They, as a part of you, are worthy of respect.

One who does not respect you is not worthy of your tolerance; you owe them no personal attention, no excuse-making, and no acknowledgment of them outside any formal contact you may have to maintain (such as in the case of a co-worker). The truth behind the ideal of tolerance mentioned at the beginning of this article is exactly this same concept: respect. To tolerate differences such as physical abilities, backgrounds, cultures, and and lifestyles is to be respectful of these differences. To tolerate disrespect is to undermine all good that the ideal of tolerance has begun.

Respect; because we're worth it!

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Thought Stoppers: Speaking in Tongues

2008-08-04T13:33:00.004-04:00

Asking questions and searching for information is a good thing. It is also something that manipulative people and groups do not want you to do.

I have known people (and congregations) who speak in tongues who I feel are spiritually and mentally healthy. I have also known those (people and congregations) who speak in tongues who are not...who use it as "proof" of their spirituality, rather than it being a naturally occurring outgrowth from their spiritual walk.

Speaking in tongues can be used by controlling people and groups as a way to keep people from evaluating the leader and their commitment to that leader. It is one of the "thought stopper" techniques I talk about in People Who Play God. In essence, thought stoppers are used to disrupt logical and critical (as in evaluative) thought.

Added to this is often the goad of, "If you don't follow our practices, it is because you are full of doubts, fears, and inhibitions that get in the way of your spiritual growth."

Doubts and fear have a purpose. Their purpose is to protect us from things that may be unsafe. They crop up, not to alarm us per se, but rather to get us to question and to evaluate. The key is to learn (and it *is* a learned skill) how to question and evaluate with objectivity and with utmost honesty with ourselves. Once we have reached an objective, honest evaluation, we are able to make the informed choices that calm the doubts. We are able to see clearly enough to protect ourselves, thereby relieving our fears.

Inhibitions happen when we bow to what we have been told from the outside, and when that outside source tells us that something is evil, wrong or bad. One of the nasty things about inhibitions is that they are habits. (Doubts and fears can also become habitual.)

Once an inhibition has become a habit, it will *always* feel "wrong" to try and break through it, because there is a hardwired human predisposition toward the familiar, even when it's dangerous and we *know* it's dangerous. (Look at the effects of cigarette smoking, and yet how many people are still addicted to it, even when they try to quit.)

I'd be very wary about speaking in tongues, even more especially if it is something I have doubts about. Remember that God is logical, as well as having emotions, too. If you are uncomfortable but are feeling pressured to speak in tongues, stop. Rather than speaking in tongues, trying simply talking to God as if he were standing next to you. Tell him you are having doubts about this, and remember that he does not ask us to "prove" ourselves this way to him. What he does ask of us is that we be continually striving to walk in truth -- to be honest with ourselves and with him.

God does not chastise us for having doubts and fears. He is the one who has given them to us as safety markers. But not dealing with those doubts and fears in an honest way results in problems for ourselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

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Strength Through Adversity

2008-07-15T13:45:00.003-04:00

I have been in some very tough situations. I have nearly lost my life, and knew it, on several occasions. I did loose my inner self to an extreme manipulator, and after winning free of him, fought back and regained myself, grew myself, more than I ever could have without that experience.

I have said as much to many people over more than the last two decades. I have taken "strength through adversity" to be a sort of personal mantra. Not strength as in physical strength, though. Oh no...I mean inner strength. The strength I have in knowing who I am, which in turn is due to the strength I developed as I decided who I chose to be, and acting on those choices to begin the journey to bring that ideal into fruition.

Therefore it is interesting to me to have come across an article on happiness through adversity. The Hidden Side of Happiness talks about some of the very things I have experienced as a survivor, and have seen others experience, too. I encourage you to read it.

Catastrophic experiences can damage us, oh yes indeed, make no mistake. But whether we allow ourselves to remain damaged, or accept the challenge of rebuilding our inner selves better than we were before is all up to us. It takes courage, determination, and ongoing conscious effort.

I think that effort is well worth it. What are your experiences? What do you think? Please share by leaving your comments. I appreciate it!

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Lessons from the Hero's Story

2008-07-08T12:17:00.001-04:00

As we each journey along life's path we are on a heroes journey. We, just like any other hero, have lessons to learn. It is those lessons that make your path the hero's path. Without those lessons we are on nothing more than a temporal linear progression.

For each of us, during our travels, we have the opportunity to learn many, many things. We have the opportunity to experience and grow. We will make mistakes and have the opportunity to learn from them; we will meet up with problems and can choose to learn from those problems that we come up against.

What happens to us though, if we choose not to learn from our mistakes? What happens to us if we do not choose to learn the lessons that life puts upon all our heroes path?

Undoubtedly choosing to ignore the lessons and the lesson plan will result in a stunted hero. We have the ability to be healthy heroes, but we also have the ability to choose to be unhealthy heroes or unsuccessful heroes. To ignore the lessons which life places in our path is to be an unsuccessful hero.

Each time we meet with one of those seemingly negative situations in life, we are presented with an opportunity. Any time that we feel stuck, at an impasse, or in a turmoil, we are in a situation that can build our psychological muscle. We can use this time, and this turmoil, to build our stability emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. We can also use this time and this turmoil, to help us identify our weak areas. When we are in stress, those areas we need to work on become more evident. With a little introspection, we can discover less-than-perfect habits of thought, irrational beliefs, or perhaps even dysfunctional attitudes or worldviews.

Don't hide from the self-discoveries you make. Every hero has flaws; what makes us heroic is facing our flaws and overcoming them.
Old habits are hard to change. This includes habits of thought and of attitude as much as anything else. There are two ways to ease the process, however: first, consciously and formally identify the habit that needs to be changed; second, replace the old habit with a new habit. Simply trying to discontinue an old habit won't work. You must put something in its place.

Learning heroic lessons can be a challenge. Its first challenge is in that it changes our mindsets about the negative things that happen to us in our lines. It changes those things which we have perceived as negative or as detrimental and gives them worth and value to ourselves and to our continued growth. It helps us reinforce within ourselves our own positivity. It helps us release the energy that we had tied to worrying, anger, or unproductive thoughts, and instead replaces that energy-drain with renewed energy as we recognize the positive aspects of the challenge and our ability to rise and meet it.

It is a Hero's Journey. In The Odyssey, Odysseus did not see a sign that read, “learn humility here”. We won't see any road signs either. Just as Odysseus had to figure out what it was Poseidon was demanding he learn, so too each of us must strive to identify our own life's lessons, our own Hero’s lessons.

Here's to successful Hero-hood!

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Getting Centered

2008-06-25T09:01:00.004-04:00

As some of you may know, I am a potter, among other things. (Life is never boring!) Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how living as a conscious, growing, and healthy hero is a lot like working with clay.

Let's take centering, for example. When working clay on the potter's wheel, one of the first things you do is center the clay -- push and pull it so that it is completely centered on the rotating wheelhead. (more about this here) If clay isn't centered before you beginning trying to shape it, eventually the walls will wobble and almost certainly collapse.

For us as we live our lives as heroes, this is a great object lesson as far as teaching us that maintaining our mental balance -- being centered -- is paramount if we are to be able to bring our projects (mental, emotional, life-goals, etc.) to full fruition. Through bringing ourselves into balance, we are bringing mental and emotional harmony and stability to our individual hero's journeys.

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Development of Ethical and Moral Structures

2008-06-23T15:10:00.002-04:00

I've recently talked a bit about ethics. I'd like to continue with thoughts on ethical and moral development.

As a parent, you must present ethics and morals in an absolutist fashion. Children will not naturally choose to implement self-restraint, a major portion of ethical/moral structures. Children will not naturally choose to engage in deep thought regarding the rights of others or the deeper substance of their own personal motivations. First, a child must learn the absolutes of "right" and "wrong" before they can appropriately consider and develop a more mature moral/ethical structure which involves all the various shadings in gray.

Children, as a matter of course due to their limited understandings and experiences, see issues in terms of absolutes. But as we grow, we explore, and as we discover more and more we have to redefine many things which as children seemed to be perfectly black and white. We have to expand our conceptual frameworks of ourselves and the world around us. We begin to see, and must for stability's sake, come to grips in one way or another, with the grays that we discover. This is true, not just in terms of morality, but in every aspect of life.

Upon leaving childhood, some folks expand their conceptual frameworks and work to clarify their understanding, knowledge and personal stances in response to those gray areas. In terms of morality, they work on defining the substrata of the issues, as well as their personal limits of tolerance. They reach decisions as to what they expect of themselves and of their own actions/reactions in regards to those issues.

Others will just simply close the door on the grays they've just seen. These folk will go right back to the comfortable absolutes (generally given to them by parents &/or religion and accepted without much in the way of further thought), for they find the absolutes to be less work.

Personally, I prefer the expanded version of ethics and morality. I would have to say that the decision-tree format of ethical structure strikes me as being, by far, the healthiest for all concerned. And too, I like and respect myself better this way, and THAT is the most important thing to me.

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Trends

2008-06-17T10:13:00.003-04:00

I hate trends. I hate fads. As far as I'm concerned, the only good trend is one that has been around so long that it isn't really a trend anymore. For example, indoor plumbing...now that's a good trend.

I shudder in horror and despair when I hear someone saying or implying they will only accept that I have my own individuality when I begin dressing like them. (Think of some of the clothing commercials that have aired over the past few years.)

Self-determination...now there's a trend I'd love to see more of! Anyone ready to jump on that bandwagon??

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Ethics & Moral Structure

2008-06-14T06:50:00.002-04:00

"I consider morality to be primarily a code of self-conduct, not other-conduct. But I think the overall goal of any moral theory should be geared towards what is healthiest for an individual while allowing for what is healthiest for others as well." ---Alexsandralyn Stevenson

There are many predators out there who are more than willing to prey on those people who won't strike back because it's against their moral or ethical code. This is, indeed, highly unhealthy for the individual in a great number of circumstances. Therefore, it becomes important to examine the issue of morality and ethics.

Morals, as with everything else, are dangerous when they are polarized...black vs. white with no in-betweens. There are many shades of gray, which a person who has developed an active and fully aware moral/ethical structure will take into account.

I find it fascinating that many adults expect morals to be linear and carved into the proverbial stone tablets. I find for myself that morals are built more along the line of a decision tree. I have the standards I hold for myself. These direct my actions (as performed in independence from the environment).

But then there are those actions which are actually reactions precipitated by the environment. These may require something other.

Example: Is it moral to hit people?

Black & white morals would say either yes, or no. All the time. Under any circumstances.

Rather than the above, however, I suggest that such an absolute is impossible to work from. You cannot protect yourself; you cannot protect what you hold to be important. Instead, there will branches of decisions, weighing each circumstance, including the ignorance, accidental blunders, and intentions of the offending party. (Those who are ignorant will be confused when confronted on their offense, those who offend by accident will apologize, and those who offend with intent to harm will immediately become aggressive and often more openly abusive.)

Let's say I hold myself to the standard of not hitting people. I do not hit...usually. However, should a person hit me, threaten me with bodily or psychological harm, or threaten another, I will indeed hit them, in one manner or another. I will weigh the circumstance and decide from that to either hit gently or strongly, based on the circumstance -- their ignorance, their fumble-footedness, or their intention to harm. This is what I mean when I refer to a decision-tree type of moral structure.

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Friendship

2008-06-05T08:02:00.003-04:00

In the past I have tried different ways to get others to be friends with me: Helping, Listening, Generosity, and even (egads!!!! I knew better!!!!), Looking Good. Of course, none of these things have really made anyone else into a friend. In fact, they have backfired badly on me...sometimes more subtly than at other times, but badly in all cases, nonetheless.

So first, I must ask myself a question....What is real friendship? I hear about friendship a lot...there are all sorts of TV shows depicting supposed friends interacting with each other...people call each other friend easily and quickly. But is all of that really friendship?

Not to me. Through a lot of trial and error, through a lot of painful interaction, I have come to a sharpened awareness of what a friend really is. And a lot of what I hear called "being friends" simply does not fit into my definition of "friendship".
'Okay, fine,' you may say. 'Then what, Beth, is your definition of friendship?'

Well, first I'd like to weed out the things I see getting confused for friendship, but that aren't it. I see a continuum of various levels of social closeness: Acquaintanceship, Companionship, Comradeship, and then...finally...Friendship.

It's rather strange how we automatically begin calling a new acquaintance a friend, just because they act friendly. Being friendly, as the word is used, really has very little with the core, the depth of being a friend. It is really nothing more than a happy, welcoming style of politeness. Sure, friends are usually warm and welcoming, too, but people make this automatic jump from pleasantness to friendship without checking to see if that is what it really is.

Or in other words, just because you are treating me nicely and I happen to know your name does not make me into your friend. It means I have the beginning of an idea of who you are, but not enough to say that I are more than an acquaintance.

But let's say we do more than acknowledge each other's existence in a pleasant manner. We get to talking and find out we share some things in common. Perhaps we even met in the first place because we share a common interest and are both members of the same club or interest-related group. While we're there, we like hanging out with each other... We like each other's company, even though we still really don't know much more about each other than the surface things. We have reached the status of hang-out buddies, we are sharing companionship.

Similar, but I think generally deeper, there is the comradeship that develops between people who are working towards a common goal or for a common cause. Comrades-in-arms, whether part of the military, co-workers in a manufacturing plant, support staff in group homes, and so on often share a bonding due to the specific stresses of the work that they are both undergoing at the same time. Because they understand the stresses of the job or situation that they are under, they are able to clearly understand those stresses that the other person is also under. Even so, that connection is not friendship. It is limited and does not mean you have an understanding of the other person as a whole. You only are understanding one aspect.

Understanding is a key concept here. In all my observations, in all my ponderings, it consistently appears that there can not be a true friendship without first building understanding. You will undoubtedly have a much harder time caring about someone if you cannot understand them at all.

Ironically, however, it also appears that the closest friendships can be between people who are very, very different. For example, Alex and I have a very strong friendship, but I think in completely different ways than she does. Her mind assesses things using a much more mathematical type of approach, while my own approach tends to be more of a synthesis...which in turns appears to me to be related to visual interpretations of data.

There is a great deal of understanding between us...we have shared many similar experiences as well as literally sharing experiences (having done things together). We have also helped each other understand each other, so that although we do not primarily think like the other does, we can (usually) follow each other in our thoughts. In this respect, having the dissimilar as well as the similar helps keep things interesting. We can both understand and be completely mystified at the same time...or so it sometimes seems, lol.

And so we finally come to my definition of friendship. Deep, genuine caring, concern and a willingness to act to the benefit of the friend even without any obvious rewards or returns. Because of these prerequisites, there will also be a subsequent amount of thought given to your friend...you will take them and their own wants, needs, and preferences as well as your own into account whenever both of you are involved. You will, by the nature of friendship, be considerate of them.

This is what it means to be a friend. Even though there is difference, there is also still harmony. There may be differences in styles of thought and being, but the lines of the melody, so to speak, will be traveling in the same direction and show a similarity in choices. In moral fiber, perhaps would be one way to say it. There will be, for all the differences, very distinct similarities in values, worldviews, and personal development goals.

One final note on friendship. Defining friendship as caring, concern and a willingness to act on behalf of one's friend has another context as well. In this context, being one's own friend is thoroughly healthy and in my opinion a necessity.

If you cannot be a friend to yourself first, you cannot truly be a friend to anyone else. This especially true since it takes understanding in order to care. This means you must understand your own self in order to care about yourself...that first important step towards real friendship. You cannot jump that task to be a true friend to another, who you will almost certainly understand even less than you understand yourself.

I respectfully submit that being a friend, whether or not another person is ever a friend back, is one of those important milestones on the road of living a successful and rich life. Trying to earn another person's friendship is not the way to go. It is not as important to have friends...it is important to be a friend.

Be a friend to yourself first; the others will find you as they are ready.

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Too Many Pots in the Air

2008-05-27T07:44:00.002-04:00

Whew! Pressures to get things done are everywhere! Sometimes it is hard to juggle everything. In fact, sometimes it can be impossible.

It can be hard to find the balance of things we feel must be done, and then also go back and evaluate those things. Some things just aren't as important as we first thought them to be. Other things may be more important than we had realized at first.

As in all things, though, we must allow ourselves to human as well as being heroes. We are none of us perfect (however that may be defined), but as long as we keep our focus on the fact that we are working and willing to grow as individuals, we'll be okay. For me, I may be overworked and overstressed as I try to find my to-do-list balance, but I can also still look at myself in the mirror and know my herohood is still intact. I'm trying and getting better at this juggling act.

For myself, I try to prioritize -- what must be done, and when must it be done by? Rank 'em and work 'em. *sigh* That is often easier said than done, though. :-/ So what do you do? (Please -- give me suggestions!)

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One Heroic Ideal

2008-04-29T15:35:00.003-04:00

This past week I began thinking about how we seem to be drawn toward certain types of heroes. I began looking at the commonalities in certain heroes -- Spock from the original Star Trek, Vincent from the Beauty and the Beast series, and Mick St, John from Moonlight. Even heroes as old as Odysseus in Homer's Iliad and Odyssey.

Each of these heroes is beyond the human norm in some way. Spock is stronger and smarter; Vincent and Mick both can draw on superhuman strength and senses. Odysseus was crafty beyond other humans. Each of these heroes is, well, dangerous. Or at least potentially dangerous.

All of these heroes also faced or faces their division from the rest of humanity, however. Each of them is embroiled in dangerous levels of alienation or separation from others. Spock struggles between his human and Vulcan halves, trying to resolve an inner conflict that comes very close to a complete schism. Vincent and Mick know themselves to be "not human". Both struggle as they know there is an inner cliff, beyond which the monster roams. Odysseus' separation was more physical -- he was set to wander far from his home (his true place in the world) until his arrogance was leached from him.

Thirdly, each of these heroes struggle with an ethical or psychological integration of who they are, who they have the potential to be, and who they choose to be. Spock eventually comes to embrace both halves of himself. Vincent and Mick actively and consciously control who they are through their sense of honor and ethics. Both rise above their animalistic instincts and harness them for the benefit of others. Odysseus struggles to loose some of his overwhelming ego and arrogance without loosing who he is.

There we have it. One heroic ideal, and a strong one, born out of dangerousness, alienation & separation, and the ethical & psychological strength to overcome and integrate all of who they are for the benefit of others and for themselves.

Now, granted I'm thinking out loud, so to speak. What do you think? Does this hang together for you?

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Are You Safe Because You're Altruistic?

2008-04-15T16:10:00.002-04:00

Do you think you are safe from cults and other forms of extreme manipulation because you are altruistic?

The sad truth is, if you are a good person who sincerely wants to do good for other people, that very trait can be used against you by a manipulator. One of the things we, as heroes, must be aware of is that our herohood -- no matter what we are basing it on -- can be used as a lure.

Any want, any desire, can be used as bait. That is what makes manipulation so insidious. Even the best of attributes can be twisted.

What do we do about this?

The main answer is that we must be aware of ourselves, our motivations, and our objectives at all times, plus we must be aware (and accept) other people's motivations. We need to look below the face value and determine if the words match the actions and the attitudes.

We must recognize that all of us -- every single one of us -- is vulnerable to manipulation if the right keys are struck at the right time.

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Heroes vs People Who Play God

2008-04-03T19:00:00.002-04:00

Did you know some people are so lost to their own herohood that they resort to using extreme levels of manipulation to try and control other people? These are the extreme examples of unhealthy hero types. They move from working on their herohood consciously or not) to playing god.

Extreme manipulation has existed for millennium. Throughout history there have been certain charismatic people who have been able to lead others into doing things, saying things, believing things, that those followers had not and would not have normally done. This was sometimes put down as divine inspiration, sometimes as a force of will. Many times, those involved and those outside the situation didn't have any word to describe what they were seeing or experiencing.

In the last century, the confusion began to be recognized. The highly destructive manipulations of Hitler during World War II (and prior to it) brought the need to understand this form of sly coercion and bring it into focus. Although many tried to deny it, the fact remained that what had been done to the German and Central European population could also happen elsewhere. And in fact, it did. Stalin was another highly destructive manipulator, as was Mao. They, too, made their populations into "true believers."

In the mid-portion of the last century, it seemed as if there was a sudden flourishing of this phenomena. It came as a shock to people to hear American POWs in North Korea repudiate their country, and then the public began to find out what had been done to those soldiers in the North Korean prisons. A journalist coined the word "brainwashing," and suddenly it seemed as if it were everywhere. Cults seemed to spring up out of the grass overnight as we heard about the Tate-LaBianca murders, the abduction and apparent conversion of Patty Hearst, the slaughterhouse of Jonestown, and more.

At the same time, we had grown mature enough as a culture to recognize that the assault, battery and rape of a marriage partner was reprehensible and wrong. That a marriage license is not a license to abuse. But that also left us with a new question which had not been asked before. Why, since it is now understood to be "okay" to leave an abuser, do battered spouses stay? What keeps a battering relationship together?

People began to seek words to express what they were seeing. "Brainwashing" didn't make sense...it didn't explain anything. New terms came into being: totalism, mind control, coercive persuasion, and the cycle of abuse. All of these refer to the same manipulative process.

Think of it this way: extreme manipulation is a lot like normal social influence on steroids, and even more dangerous.

Would you like to know more about extreme manipulation? Read People Who Play God.

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Walking Out of the Comfort Zone

2008-03-28T08:09:00.004-04:00

Whew! This has certainly been a time of walking outside my own comfort zone.

I recently became the Pottery Guide at About.com (pottery.about.com). This has forced me into rebuilding my studio in terms of equipment, tools and supplies -- I've been substituting painting for ceramics for more than a while, now. And although this has been a very positive regaining of a part of my life, and a creative process I absolutely revel in, it has also been highly stressful.

Due to various circumstances, I have had to strip my financial spending down to the bare minimum for years. I have done without lots of things; I will not buy what I can't afford. (To me, credit card companies are basically only legal loan sharks.)

That has become "comfortable". I am used to it. I have learned how to solve problems and live very well without having to "throw money at it". A great deal of this learning has been learning not to get something because "I want it".

Now, however, I have had to bite the bullet. I must move out of this "don't get it because you want it" mentality. Yes, I want a new potter's wheel...yes, I want a new kiln...

If it was just that, I'd do without, as I have been. BUT, I have to replace these things in order to do my job as a Guide.

Weirdly enough, buying what I want, even though I also need it, has become very uncomfortable indeed.

It has also brought me to realize yet again that, in order to really build ourselves fully as healthy, vibrant heroes, we need to accept the lessons Life and God give us. Those lessons inevitably lead us out side our comfort zones.

When you have the opportunity (or are forced, *wry smile*) to walk outside your own comfort zone, how do you react? What's your own attitude? Do you embrace it as an opportunity (which it is) to expand yourself and your herohood? To know yourself better, and perhaps work on areas that are troublesome or simply could be improved?

My own personal prayer, odd or not, is "Lord, thank you for making me horribly uncomfortable today. And hey, thanks for caring enough about me to want me to grow!"

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Great Minds Thinking Alike

2008-03-25T11:22:00.003-04:00

Remember last post I gave a few simple exercises to help you discover your own form of herohood? Ah! Roy Leighton over at the BBC site has just posted a short article that expands on that.

He gives six steps that you can use to help you become the hero you want to be, in a rather fun and interesting way. Check out his article here!

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What kind of hero are you?

2008-03-19T14:02:00.001-04:00

We don't all define our personal concept of hero-hood in the same way...not hardly! lol....Nope, the truth is that heroes come in all sorts of different packages and have different heroic styles.

How do you discover your own definition of hero? Simply ask yourself... where do you feel strongest, most at peace, and/or most alive? What makes you feel good about yourself? What makes you feel best about your self? Where do you base your sense of self-worth?

Three basic archetypes of hero styles are the Saint, the Scholar, and the Strongman (or the Warrior, but I like the alliteration of the first one, lol). There are lots of subtypes and even combinations of these three basic archetypes.

In essence, the Saint hero-types all value being "good" in some way. It is through being good, in one form or another, that makes them feel good about themselves and builds up either their self-esteem or their self-image.

The Scholar hero-types all value being "smart" in some way. This could be formal schooling, general intelligence, street-smarts, skills, talents, etc. The Scholar types base their sense of self-worth, ergo their sense of hero-hood, in one (or more) of these areas.

The Strongman hero-types, you guessed it, all value being strong, in one way or another. This could be physical strength, other physical attributes (such as beauty), emotional endurance, the ability to defend (or harm) others, and so on.

Okay. You ready?? Let's find out what kind of hero you are! Here are some Heroic Exercises just for you!! ;-)

1. Sometimes the easiest way to discover something about our self is to find out the opposite value. Think back to the last time you were in conflict with another person. What were you internally saying to yourself about the other person?

Were you thinking that they were stupid? That they were emotionally unstable? That they don't care about the reality or truth of the situation? Did you call them a liar?

Whatever you saw as the negative aspect of the other person gives you a sizable clue as to what you value. For example, if you were thinking they were such a liar, it's likely that you value truthfulness. And if you strongly value truthfulness as a concept, you probably also highly value it within yourself.

2. Think of your favorite fictional or historical hero. Were they a type of Saint, Scholar, or Strongman, or a combination of these? Specifically, what made that hero a hero to you? Do you find yourself emulating that (those) attribute(s)? Do you wish you did?

3. We are all the hero of our own story...it is simply the way in which we see ourselves within the context of our lives. Our style of hero-hood is based in our need for self-worth. With this in mind, complete the following statements:
I feel best about myself when I __________________________________.
I am a hero because I __________________________________________.

Generally speaking, the more we engage in the actions and/or thought processes that we base our hero-hood upon, the stronger our sense of hero-hood becomes...the more self-esteem we have. So..... hey! It makes sense, then, to consciously figure out what kind of hero we are, and then consciously build up our sense of our hero-hood through following through on that base concept about our self.

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Healthy heroes and unhealthy heroes

2008-03-12T10:16:00.002-04:00

Just like belly buttons, hero-types come in two versions: innies and outies.

"Eh? What on earth does that mean?" you query??

*low chuckle* Well, my friend, that means that you can either base your self-concept / self-image (and ergo your sense of hero-hood) on controlling your inner world, or trying to control the outer world.

Now there is a catch to this. We actually can take control of our inner world. Buuuuuutttttt...... We cannot truly control our outer world (people other than ourselves, events, and situations).

Trying to control the outer world is ultimately always doomed to failure. Which means that those hero-types that are "outies" can 1) never really achieve their goal and 2) never really be happy. They will always be in conflict with the outer world, simply because they are continually trying to control it, and the outer world will never be controllable.

But worse! There is a third result as well.... By trying to control the outer world, these heroes are abdicating their ability to control their own self.

Let's look at an example of what I mean....

Hero A is an "innie" hero-type of the Strongman variety. He values his internal strength and ability to overcome adversity. He understands that bad things can happen to good people, and he uses them (painful as they may be) to test and work his internal 'muscle'. He pats himself on the back when he feels he's done a good job; he doesn't overly mind when other people don't recognize his hard work, because he recognizes his hard work, and that's most important to him.

Hero A understands that he cannot control the weather, he can only control his reactions to it and his actions concerning it.

Hero A is a healthy hero.

Hero B, on the other hand, is an "outie" hero-type of the Strongman variety. He values his strength of will as measured by being able to get other people to do what he wants them to. When another person does what he wants them too, he preens himself and pats himself on the back --- whether or not he had any influence over that person's course of action or not. When another person does not do what he wants them to, he becomes angry. He also feels betrayed and outraged. How dare they not do as he wants? Whether or not he asked or even commanded them to!

Hero B will often begin manipulating others in an attempt to control them.

The problem is, people... even under the influence of extreme levels of manipulation... will not always do what Hero B wants them to. This undermines Hero B's confidence, which in turn makes him angry and even more controlling.

Hero B also assumes (probably subconsciously) that he should be in control over circumstances, as well. If he has a parade, it becomes a personal insult to him and his ego if it should dare to rain. Should gasoline prices go up on the morning he is driving out-of-state, it becomes a conspiracy aimed at keeping him, personally, from taking his rightful place (as a leader) at XYZ conference.

As you can begin to gather, everything that takes place is, in Hero B's eyes, all about him. No matter how far fetched that idea is if looked at logically or rationally.

Hero B is...you got it....an unhealthy hero.

One could make a case for even calling some "outie" heroes anti-heroes. But, they don't see themselves that way. Even the most unhealthy of heroes still does see themself as the hero of their own story.

The good news is that, should they want to, those people with unhealthy styles of hero-hood can change them into healthy ones. They can do this through consistently breaking the habit of thinking in terms the outside world.

Instead, they need to consciously focus on what they expect from themselves (not what others expect) and rewarding themselves with a pat on the back when they reach their own self-determined goals (rather than waiting or expecting one from someone else). They must be willing to be their own judge and willingly work on problem areas they may have, rather than simply shifting the blame (and therefore the responsibility) onto someone else.

Well, this is just a glance at innies and outies, but I hope now that I have planted this concept in your head, that you'll take a closer look at it. See what it means to you, and explore your own sense of hero-hood in this light.

Happy Hero-ing!!

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Heroes, Get in the Game!

2008-03-09T08:54:00.005-04:00

There are some great and interesting articles over at Dare to Dream...The Hazards of "Getting in the Game" illustrates the struggle we heroes have in coming to grips with conflict...when "No" is necessary for us to grow in our own, autonomous individuality.

Now read "Dare to Dreamgirl: Margaret Woolley Busse". This article gives another illustration of and information on the need we have to build and maintain our ability to say yes to those things which help us on our hero's journey and say no to those things which, although perhaps benign in and of themselves, will harm your ability to be true to yourself.

It is not wrong, bad, or evil to say "No". Protecting yourself, your resources, your time, and your inner self is not wrong, bad or evil!

Conflict -- including the conflict between saying "yes" to another's demand (and thereby putting us into conflict with our own self) or saying "no" (and coming into conflict with the other person)-- is a part of our hero's journey. It is necessary! Without conflict, we would be stymied in our growth as individuals and as healthy heroes. Conflict, if met in the proper spirit, can help us achieve insights into ourselves and into others. It can develop strength within ourselves that never existed before.

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The Hero of Your Own Story

2008-03-08T09:50:00.002-05:00

You are the hero of your story. Do you recognize your hero-hood?

Many years ago, I worked with a certain woman who was tiny in physical stature, but who never saw herself that way. In her own mind, she was just as big, just as tough, and just as likely to put the munch on all comers as any six-foot-three street tough. I had been reading Joseph Campbell's book, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, and a new thought suddenly appeared within my head. This woman saw herself as a hero. In fact, she saw herself as the hero.

That realization got me paying more attention to the other people around me. And I discovered that they, too, saw themselves as the hero of their life story. I popped the lid on my own psyche. Yup. I, too, saw myself as the hero of my own story.

Well, then, no wonder Campbell found hero myths across the globe and throughout history. This is a concept we all have, unmarked and unnamed, within ourselves. We each grow up knowing life from our own perspective...we are all by nature ego-centric. We can expand and learn to imagine ourselves in the other's shoes, but even still, our first and primary point of view is through our own eyes.

This contributes to our sense of being the hero of our story, but there is another aspect which is even more important. We all need to have a sense of self-worth, a sense of self-determination, and a sense of being in control. We all need to see ourselves as right, correct, or justified in our actions. We need to see ourselves as a hero, of one type or another. Even those people who engage in criminal actions will see themselves as the hero of their own story. (Others may see them anti-heroes, but that is the others' perception, not the individual's.)

There are many, many types of heroes, but they all seem to spring from three main archetypes: the Strongman (self-esteem or self-image is built on some form of strength or on physical attributes); the Scholar (self-esteem or self-image is built on some form of being smart); and the Saint (self-esteem or self-image is built on some form of being good).

Some types of hero-hood are healthy, some are not. Healthy heroes work to accept the truth about themselves, even when it is unpleasant. They accept responsibility for themselves and their actions, and they recognize that they are ultimately in control of their actions, beliefs, and world view.

Unhealthy heroes, on the other hand, do not take on the full responsibility for themselves. They often rely on defense mechanisms to feel good about themselves -- or in other words, they rely on falsehoods and misdirections. Many unhealthy heroes clearly feel that they are not in control of themselves. They tend to blame someone or something other than themselves for all the bad or uncomfortable things that happen to them.

Being a hero is an everyday thing for us, even though we have never thought of ourselves in that way before. Having once consciously recognized ourselves as a hero, however, opens the door for us to shape and hone our own sense of hero-hood and what it means to be the hero of our own story.

We now have an opportunity to consciously make the choices that enhance our desired method of hero-hood.

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Life's Journey; Hero's Journey

2008-03-05T15:39:00.004-05:00

I came across a great article by Jonathan Wells today. It's entitled, Personal Development – It’s the Journey that Counts, and gives a great look at how personal growth is a journey. Just I have said here before, we are all on a hero's journey; although Jonathan doesn't put it quite that way, what he has to say definitely resonates true to that concept as well.

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Bullying and Heroic Ethics

2008-03-04T16:43:00.007-05:00

Matt Langdon has another great article, this one on hero ethics.

Consider these three roles in bullying. Bullying happens in the school yard, the home, and the workplace.

1. The Bystander watches the bullying happening, giving the bully the audience s/he requires.
2. The Contributor is happy to help the bully in doling out abuse, usually standing slightly behind the bully.
3. The Hero stands up to the bully and says there is no room for such behaviour. The Hero risks being hurt by the bully or losing friends, but does it anyway.

It is these three types that we need to re-balance. There’s little we can do to alter the behaviour of the contributors. However, we can convert the bystanders to heroes by improving their heroic imagination.

As heroes, we need to strive to develop our ethics before we are caught up in a situation where we have to make those tough decisions about our behavior.

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Success is Heroic, Too

2008-03-01T08:01:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we heroes get s rather kinked up view of what it means to be a good, healthy hero. Sometimes we are taught, in some subtle way, that heroes are not suppose to have personal success.

Well, I challenge you to challenge that kind of thinking.

Here I am in a video, telling you about four things I have learned about how to achieve your own, individual definition of success... Take a peek!

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A New Endeavor by Any Name

2008-03-01T07:47:00.005-05:00

Whew! This past month has been crazy! .....um, perhaps I should say "crazier," since I have family and friends who are convinced I'm mighty peculiar all the time, rofl.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share with you, in case you may be interested, that I have recently become the new Pottery Guide for About.com. Check it out at pottery.about.com.

Pop Quiz!
What do you call someone who throws pots?

...Yes, a potter is one word. Putter is another. Once upon a time, to putter around meant to throw pots (shape the clay on a potter's wheel).

Esoteric factoid of the day! ;-D

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Autonomy and Heroes

2008-02-26T14:02:00.002-05:00

Autonomy is defined by the Random House Dictionary as "independence or freedom...the right of self-government". On an individual level, then, one can also define autonomy as the right to be self-determined. To make your choices without being coerced or manipulated.

This is of supreme importance as we strive to live our lives as the heroes we want to be. We must, in order to be that hero, protect and nurture our autonomy.

But of course, a right is never really a given absolute. We can say that people have the right to live, and yet that right is violated by murderers hundreds of times in a single day. To say we have a right does not guarantee us that right. We have to do more than proclaim the words. Just as we put measures in place to protect our right to survival, to uncontaminated food sources, and to worship or not worship as we see fit, we must also put into place measures to protect our right to autonomy.

The examples of rights above are all based in societal protections. The above are rights that are protected in our laws in this country (USA). Societal protections (laws and social norms) are imperative to the protection of our right to autonomy, but they are not enough. We, if we are truly to be self-determined, must also take responsibility in protecting that self-determination.

So. How do you, as an individual hero, develop and protect your autonomy? We need to know who we are, what we are made of, how we are the hero of our own story. Autonomy and self-determination must be built on a solid self-knowledge and self-understanding. Without this knowledge and understanding, your autonomy is open to any manipulative tactic that comes along...it is self-knowledge that roots us, just as a tree is rooted and can therefore withstand the wind.

In order to fully develop your autonomy as well as to be better able to protect it, you need to:

  Consciously know who you are

  Consciously know what you are drawn to

  Consciously know what makes you feel good about yourself

  Consciously determine your ethics

  Consciously set your limits of tolerance

  Understand how influence and manipulation work

  Know how you personally could be manipulated

Through these steps...bringing yourself in full awareness of yourself, setting up a protective perimeter, and learning the weapons which can be used against you...you are much more, likely to withstand any manipulative attacks on your autonomy. As an added benefit, taking these steps also deepens who you are as a person, increasing your ability to reach your potentials and to live in the fullness of your herohood.

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When Helping Doesn't

2008-02-18T15:53:00.003-05:00

I am a helpful person; it is a part of my nature, and a very large part of how I define myself as a hero. As such, I have had to become aware of how that aspect of myself opens me up to being vulnerable to others. If you have read any of the information on ultra-authority and extreme manipulation at www.beth-peterson.com, you know that I strongly urge people to find and protect their toeholds...their vulnerabilities, so that they are harder to coerce or to manipulate.

However, even if someone is not trying to deliberately hurt you or manipulate you, certain vulnerabilities can lead to personal damage or distress. That is the case with helpfulness.

Not only am I helpful by nature, I have also worked in many "helping" type jobs...being a psychologist, tutoring, and so on. Currently, I am working in group homes with the mentally retarded, another ‘helping' situation. All of this experience has led me to some very distinct conclusions.

When Helping Others Harms Them

All too often when we wish to help others, we don't look far enough or deep enough at the consequences and outgrowths of what we are doing. Many times, our own helping behaviors can get in the way of the other person's growth and ability to become independent. To really build their own sense of herohood.

This is especially true in situations where the person you want to help is at a lower ability-level than you are...say, parents with children, those who are working with the developmentally disabled, or even an older and more seasoned employee showing the "new kid" the ropes.

We need to step back and ask ourselves what is truly in the best interests of the person we wish to help. To do something for another person does not teach them or help them learn how to do it for themselves. In many situations, because we have not thought through the end results of what our helping behaviors are doing, we end up making the other person dependent upon us or others, rather than gain their own mastery over the thing they need help with.

This then, brings up the question of goals. What is your goal when you want to help another person? Is your goal true altruism (I care and want them to be happy/safe/etc)? Is it self-importance (look at how nice I am)? Is it self-serving (if they know how, they won't bug me anymore)? Is it because you think you have to (but I'm supposed to help...my parents/teacher/preacher expects it of me)? Check and see what your actual goal is.

Once you know why you want to help others, it becomes easier to know how to gear your behaviors appropriately. Sometimes, it may also mean a re-thinking of your reasons and behavior patterns. That's okay. You need to find out who you are really, and then do the best thing possible for your own self. Even being self-serving or self-centered is fine. All of us need to do things geared specifically for our own inner needs, as long as you are not harming others or your self in the process, and are not overstepping their boundaries.

Personally, my thought is, in order to make certain that I will not harm another through my attempts to help them, I must keep the following goal clearly in mind: To help them attain the skills and information they need in order to become, as much as possible, independent, their own resource center and their own personal authority. If they are limited, such as through physical or mental disability, than I want to find the way in which they can best compensate for those limitations, allowing for as much independence and self-determination as possible while maintaining safety and the ability for further growth. My goal is to help them strengthen their sense of herohood as much as possible.

When Helping Others Harms You

There is another side to this coin that is often missed. That second dark side is the fact that many people who wish to help others put themselves unwittingly into damaging situations when they do so. Now, I am not talking about the obvious "run into the burning building to save another" type of thing. What I am referring to is much, much more subtle, and much more internally, psychologically stressing and potentially very harmful indeed.

Many people who want to help others, don't put limits on that help. This is extraordinarily dangerous to us, the ones who wish to help. We don't count the costs to ourselves as we enter situations in which we are wishing to help another. We don't limit to what degree we are willing to put ourselves out for the other, we don't limit what kind of help we are willing to give...we don't limit how long we are willing to give them our help, we don't limit the kind of person we are willing to help. A lot of times, we don't even think to limit our help to those who really need it.

All of these factors really do need limits placed upon them. All of these factors do need to be weighed. As soon as you are aware that a situation is harming you, causing you distress, stress, or is resulting in negative changes in your mood, you need to do a heavy-duty reassessment of the situation. You cannot truly help others effectively when you are under too much duress yourself.

Sometimes this may mean that for your own well-being you will leave the situation completely. Other times, you may be able to find a better way to balance your needs with the other person's needs so that neither person is harmed. Other times, you may be able to remain partially within the situation, but limit your involvement so as to mitigate the distress and/or give yourself time to recover from each stressful period.

Helping sometimes really can be harming. The trick is to seek to discover and then pay attention to your own and the other person's needs and well-being, and working within both of those frameworks. This builds your herohood and theirs, all at the same time.

What could be more fulfilling than that?!

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