The Occasional Solipsist

eureka. sort of.

2009-04-23T23:42:00.002-04:00

So I figured out what it is about my work that is driving me nuts so much lately. Its the sitting within a few feet of a whole pile of other people in an office. Its sitting in a fucking cubicle all day every day while arbitrary deadlines either get met or pass me by, and all the while I have no investment in the work I am doing other than the fact that it keeps me, Superwife and Trin in cheerios.

I listen to the people around me and while they might be the tits in the real world, (although I have my doubts about a few of them), I just don't enjoy the dynamic of sitting in front of a pc, in a cubicle, when I know I could do the same work from my living room. Or a tent. Or the back of a moving train. You get the idea.

Why, oh why did I bail on the consultant work I used to do from home in exchange for a little bit more security? I feel like I checked myself into an insane asylum and signed away my right to decide when I wanted to leave.

Where was this going again? Ah yes. The eureka. Well that sort of goes first with the 'hey this is why I get in a shitty mood everytime I think about work' thing. But it also goes with another idea: that something is going to give, and I'm okay with that.

I don't mean that I am going to bail on the whole job and leave my family without resources or anything similarly stupid, but instead I am going to try to make some changes to my life outside my cubicle, so that when I am in it, I have more to look forward to.

I don't know for sure what needs to change, but I'm glad I am trying to sort this shit out. And so glad I could share it with everyone like this. I'm sure you all care deeply.

stuck

2009-03-22T22:47:00.007-04:00

I am in such a rut lately. Not sure why.

I have been busier at work than I would care to be, had I a choice in the matter. Although the choice I would make about work if I didn't need it to pay my bills would be to hit the eject button on the whole thing completely as fast as I could. I know no one likes to drag their ass into work everyday (and if you say you do, you're lying to more than just me) and I also know I have nothing at all to complain about. I have an office gig, pays well, there's the likelihood of some long term security. I just don't feel like I could get really excited about any job right now. Maybe the sound guy on a porn shoot. I could probably get behind that. As long as I've got a long mic so I wouldn't have to get in too close. Might spoil the magic.

I have been busy almost all the free time I've had lately screwing around on my basement finishing project. This one I should be way more excited about, but because I am an anti-handyman, everything takes 10 times as long as it would for someone who knew what the fuck he was doing. So I end up hitting the undo button a lot, which can get pretty frustrating. But when I am done, it should be pretty sweet. At least there will be more room in the house for Superwife and I to run into each other less.

She's been picking up on my mood a bit, and rather than be my normal cheerleader, she's opting to just call me out for being bitchy all the time. Taken to calling me names and everything. Maybe she thinks it will push me into feeling something more than ambivalence. It doesn't. And because I don't approve of her approach I usually end up in a worse mood than before she started in on me.

I guess I feel a little like someone is holding my head underwater. They're letting me up every once in awhile to breathe, but I almost feel like I don't care if I get up or not. I guess that makes me depressed if I really need to label things. I know I shouldn't have anything to be depressed about, and maybe that isn't it. But most of the time lately, I just want to go back to bed.

To top it off, I've had a headache that hasn't left, only varied in degree for over a solid month now. Its nice to have free health care, but right about now I wouldn't mind the ability to throw money at an HMO to get me to the front of the line that'll tell me I don't have a brain tumor or something.

sigh.

EDIT - So about 20 seconds after I hit publish on this thing I get a call from a friend of mine telling me that a mutual buddy of ours took a bad fall while ice climbing, broke both his legs and had to crawl for four hours to get to his vehicle.

Turns out Superwife was right: I am a dick. Good thing I'm a solipsist, or I might feel even sorrier for myself than I did already.

random bits of fluff

2009-02-18T00:20:00.000-05:00

I don't even know why I keep posting to this thing at this point. I think blogs may have gone out with digital watches, and no one bothered to tell me.

And whatever creative juices I have get effectively used up with the 2 or 3 snarky tweets I toss into the cloud every day. I'm pretty sure that the rest of the blogosphere can the say the same. But here I am anyways. I should probably get myself a few good pals to talk shit to, or maybe go see a shrink when I feel the need to spout nonsense, but damn if this isn't free. And I don't have to listen to anyone's bullshit back, so this is probably still the better deal.

I went to see my Dad over the past weekend; drove Superwife and Trin to Ottawa to stay with him and wife #4. For the first time in a long time, it actually didn't feel forced being around him. He's come to stay with us a few times since we moved into our new place last year, but even those times, it still felt a little unnatural, as if we both knew that we came pretty close to just making a clean break of things and still weren't sure if we'd made the right decision to try to have a relationship. I don't feel that way now. I've given the guy a lot of grief over the last decade or so, mainly in the way I have held him at a really long arm's length as punishment for some of the justifiable baggage I've been hanging onto a little tighter than I needed to.

For the longest time I have blamed him for a lot of the shittier things that went down when I was a kid. I'm not going to say that I was wrong, because after he and my Mom split up, he married an abusive douchebag of a woman and turned a blind eye to her mistreatment of me out of fear of losing her. I used to think maybe he just didn't give a shit, but I have sort of decided that if I am going to let bygones be bygones after all, I am going to have to go with the fear of loss thing as an excuse for him. The alternative is to go back to being pissed at him again. And I don't want that.

The bottom line is that I don't know that we are ever going to be as close as I wish that I could be with a parent, and in this episode of boring rants about my life, I'll leave my Mom out of things, but at the very least he is trying these days, and more than anything, he loves the shit out of my kid. And for whatever reason, she is nuts about him too. And that's cool.

I wasn't even intending to write this little accidental catharsis. But damn if just when I finish watching this week's episode of Heroes and am on my way to bed, that show about Billie Piper playing a prostitute comes on, and chick show or not, because of that special place I hold for her for being the best Doctor Who companion ever, I sit through the whole thing. And enjoy it.

Insomuch as I would never cheat on superwife, if she were to give me the green light, I would so totally do Billie Piper. I'm just saying.

Oh, and during said viewing I ate an entire pack of pepperettes, so in about 20 minutes my heartburn is going to have heartburn and I am seriously going to hate myself. But it felt worth it regardless.

bachelorhood boredom.

2009-01-29T21:19:00.004-05:00

So I've been a bachelor again for a grand total of 3 days now and its not all that I expected it was going to be.

Superwife and our daughter went south for the week to visit with various family, and I've been enjoying a mini-vacation. Or trying to, what with still having to go into work everyday. But it turns out that as much as I feel like I need some headspace, nay even some breathing room sometimes, it turns out that I really only need a few hours of it.

I was bored of the quiet by about hour 3 of the first night, and so have been filling my time each night not with lazily watching tv but working on finishing my basement, building a workbench, and cleaning the house a bit. Cleaning the house! wtf.

At least when they do come home, likely tomorrow, I can stop being so annoyingly productive and get back to being the lazy husband Superwife is expecting to find. I wouldn't want her to start thinking I went and changed on her while she was gone.

skeletons

2009-01-10T21:59:00.006-05:00

Why is it that some people have such a hard time dealing with their partner having had a life prior to meeting them? Not to get too much into the hot-buttons of my personal life with superwife, but holy shit do I get a hard time from her about me having been alive and male before we hooked up. Which for the record was over 12 years ago. I honestly don't get why this is still coming up.

It has been a recurrent theme ever since we got together, where superwife thinks its ok to judge me by the quality of my indiscretions. And one of the biggies of living in (or near enough to) the small town you grew up in means that every once in awhile, you run into people. Which means she runs into people. There's a really great fringe benefit to having lived in a city where you don't know anyone that I somehow missed when I decided to move back to my home town.

I tell her each time that I am made to defend myself for something that happened before we got together that even if I did regret some of my earlier stupid choices, that each blunder was just something that took place before I was lucky enough to have her in my life, and that I can't apologize for something that had nothing to do with us. It usually doesn't get me anywhere because one of the things that I otherwise really admire about my wife is that once she makes up her own mind about something, good luck getting her to change it.

Maybe I'm just pissing into the wind here, but if I'm going to get shit for something, can't it at least be for something that I have some control over? Or that I did while I was with my wife? How about I get yelled at for fucking up dinner, or accidentally shrinking her cashmere sweater? grr. I hate shit like this.

reflecting

2009-01-01T23:21:00.007-05:00

So I thought I might throw out some year-endy comments about my life over the course of the last 12 months, if for nothing else other than to summarize things for myself.

When 2008 started, I was still a contract employee at my workplace, working a swing shift that in retrospect was only fun because I got paid to work nights. Our family had very recently moved into a new house that we had built after moving away from Southern Ontario back to the rural area I grew up in. I realized that turning 33 meant that I was moving ever farther away from the childhood that I spend some time agonizing over having missed the better parts of. Superwife and I had never spent a night together away from our daughter. Superwife had in fact, never been apart from our girl for more than a few consecutive hours, and then not often.

So what's changed? My job has, a lot. I am now a full time employee, complete with benefits, vacation, the potential for a pension in about a thousand years, and all of the pay garnishing that goes along with each of those. I no longer work nights, and am steadily moving up what ladders appear to be available to me. I had no less than 3 job interviews last year, and was successful in only one, but it was the one that I needed to get. I am not one for making resolutions, but independent of resolving anything, I do vow that 2009 will be an interview-free year if I can help it. To hell with that.

We have now settled into our new place, and after living in it for over a year, I can now safely say that my builder is a total douchebag. He never responds to any of our calls until we reach the threatening point, and every time we turn around, we realize that the deal he gave us was no deal at all. I still like my house a lot, but suffice it to say that I'd recommend people build their own house before I'd recommend him. I have very recently begun to finish my basement and for someone who can't nail straight, its going to be quite the challenge. But I figure I can't fuck things up too badly. And if I do, it can always be undone.

I turned 34 a few months ago, and have decided a few things. First, that I really don't care that as I get older I get more childish. I actually wear it as a bit of a badge of honour in fact. I do have some unpleasantness in my past that taints some of my childhood experiences, but so does just about everyone else. I have decided to try to get over myself a bit more than previously, but instead of that causing me to finally start acting my age, I think I am just going to own the fact that I never really grew up at all and just be comfortable with that. I have always thought that being a child at heart would enable me to relate to my kids more, and it is actually turning out to be self-fulfilling prophecy. So I intend to keep on acting like a spoiled prepubescent child (at least when and for as long as my lifestyle allows it).

My own personal Lois Lane and I have never been closer. I have known the woman in my life for going on 20 years, and been with her as a partner for over 12 now, and she is still interesting, engaging, appealing and reciprocating. We managed to sneak away from the shared joy of our lives for our first weekend together since that joy was born only recently, and we both realized that we still enjoy each other's company as adults, insomuch as that aforementioned childish behaviour of mine allows.

What's in store for me this year? Who knows. I can be sure that I will get a little older, maybe see a little more money when my wife starts working again and my daughter starts school. I'll continue to buy lottery tickets in the hopes that my life changes not a bit except that I can stop working and spend even more time with the people that matter to me. I'll also continue to read a lot, work out infrequently, get in alone time with the wife at every opportunity, and teach my daughter the things that I believe are important for her to learn from me. I also intend to tweet a little less, and blog a little more. I have too much to say and/or work out in cathartic exercise to waste on all these lame, lazy little micro bursts.

I guess ultimately I just hope that everyone I love stays healthy, and beyond that, what else can I want for? For as long as I can say that it is, its a life. And one I am totally content to be living.

qiking it dexter style

2008-12-21T12:46:00.004-05:00

A buddy of mine had me check out his live qik feed this morning, and after I discovered that the app was compatible with my favourite gadget, my touchscreen-free Nokia N95 8GB, I quickly got it installed and took it for a test drive.

And now, for the whole internet to see, is the exact moment that I discovered that my daughter has the beginnings of a burgeoning career in serial killing ahead of her. Well, maybe she'll at least pull a Dexter and keep those urges pointed at the bad guys. People like meter maids, weathermen, people who cut in line in front of you at Tim Horton's. You know, the real bad guys.

I wait for trek movies to post anymore

2008-11-20T21:44:00.006-05:00

Yeah so there is a new trailer for the forthcoming Star Trek movie out and its a must see. Words fail me when I think of how much I want this movie to be out right now. And added to the fact that this was supposed to be out in about 3 weeks until Paramount decided on a spring release instead, this is just salt in the wound. Wonderful, wonderful salt.

I never liked Jenny McCarthy, even back in her Playboy days

2008-10-31T23:47:00.005-04:00

I haven't ranted in awhile, so bear with me. I might be out of practice.

I wanted to weigh in on the whole Jenny McCarthy/Anti-Vaccination nonsense that has been rounding the internets lately, mostly confined to the US, but because of a function of proximal geography and a mostly unhealthy fascination with our southern friends, also here in Canada.

I honestly wasn't paying any attention to this debateless debate at all. I just thought that it was some idiot pseudoscience sympathizer using her celebrity to try to convince the world of the evil of vaccinating children. And that is precisely what it was.

I won't profess to being a medical expert, but I am a big fan of both intellectual honesty and critical thinking, neither of which the aforementioned vacuous new-ager holds in any capacity. See, Jenny McCarthy thinks a vaccine gave her kid autism. And then she thinks that she cured his autism with a diet change. And now she believes that her kid is some kind of metahuman, and she is currently running around talking about the power of crystals. Seriously.

I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that this nitwit was ever given any kind of public forum to air her nonsense, or the fact that anyone ever listened to her at all. And certainly enough has been written by people far better than me at debating the medical inconsistencies of this woman's statements, so I will forego the history of this mess. If one didn't already know all about this thing, one could (and should) check out these links:

http://www.theness.com/neurologicablog/?p=390

http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2008/10/jenny_mccarthy_on_cnn_the_stupid_burns_o.php

But the ridiculousness of this was brought home not that long ago when I came home to my wife, anxiously asking me if it turned out that vaccinations had been found to be harmful. She had caught an episode of Oprah that day. And on that episode, Jenny McCarthy was espousing her opinions on the dangers of getting children vaccinated, and basically telling parents that they should ignore the advice of thousands of experts in the medical community and instead listen to her. But I gather that as crazy as her brand of bullshit is, she believes it enough to make it sound convincing.

So I had to explain to Superwife about this woman's crusade and how because of the completely undeserved media attention it has been getting, parents are scared to get their kids vaccinated against things that they may eventually get, and may eventually die from. Now that is something to be scared of.

Why is it that we live in a world where idiots like this get all the attention and basically the entire medical and scientific community gets shut out? I think its just further proof that as enlightened as I like to ~~think~~ ~~hope~~ wish that we are, we really, really aren't.

EDIT - 12/20/2008 - Edited not for content, but for really poor grammar. Although this chick is still an idiot that should be given the same kind of non-attention one would give to any typical urban doomsayer with a homemade sandwich board. Quit telling people that vaccinations cause autism. They just don't. In fact, how be you do the world a favour and bow out of the public's eye for good?

a rural sigh

2008-10-25T20:21:00.005-04:00

I just got back last night from a couple night's stay in Canada's answer to the Metropolis and now that I am safely shielded in my familiar rural darkness, I find myself much more comfortable again. I lived in Southern Ontario for years and when I go to visit, be it for work or to visit those in my family that I still talk to, I can't wait to get back home.

Yes, there's a shitload of things to do, but I think that is just distraction, otherwise everyone would go nuts when they realized that they are living on top of each other in tiny spaces, and paying through the ass to do it. So the place is filled with shows, and 5 million places to eat, and 2 hours of traffic to go 3 kms.

That being said, when you do visit, its nice for the tourist to have access to those distractions too. I attended a few shows at the Toronto After Dark Film Festival while fitting in some work, and they were awesome. 'Mutant Chronicles' was probably way better with a bunch of genre fans than it has any right to be. But it was a good time. And 'Home Movie' was just plain fucking creepy. Really disturbing. So it was a lot of fun.

But 2 days of something to do to keep me from remembering how much I hate city life still didn't really do its job. Because coming back I remember why I moved, and that I am never living down there again.

shark finning is stupid

2008-09-27T19:34:00.005-04:00

I got around to watching Sharkwater tonight, a documentary about the billion dollar shark finning industry that is quickly reducing the world's shark populations to almost nothing, all so that people can feel privileged to eat shark fin soup. Privileged? Really? And bad enough that anyone buys this stuff and supports an enterprise that has people out murdering sharks for their soup, but what kind of douchebag actually wants to do that for a living? I mean who grows up thinking, 'Wow I can't wait to be an active participant in wiping out not just a species, but an entire family of species'?

The result of watching this flick was similar in experience to what happened after I watched An Inconvenient Truth, except now I want to chum the water with shark harvesters instead of with Global Warming Deniers. Now that I think about it, I bet if we feed both groups to the sharks, we could solve a nice pile of the world's problems at once. Hmm, who else would I put on that list? Fundies. Conservatives. Maybe even Steelers fans.

Speaking of Steelers fans, I am having a couple of buddies over tomorrow to join me for this week's Entire Sunday of NFL Football, an old habit I've rekindled that, with the exception of getting to see my wife and kid more, is the single best thing about the new day job. When I was on shift work, I'd end up either working or sleeping through the Entire Sunday of NFL Football, so now I get to spend all day like every other schlub, usually drinking, sometimes cooking something that takes all day, but always watching football all day.

normal is a dirty word

2008-09-07T14:05:00.008-04:00

I started my new job this week, and after a bit of the obligatory 'ok, so now what' ing that happens when you begin a job you're not familiar with, I have a reasonable handle on what its going to be like and what's going to be expected of me. Or at least I think I do, and that equals roughly the same thing.

From the girls' perspective (Superwife and Trin's) I think they are already planning our lives around me not going back to shift work, so I suppose I better start applying for whatever full time gigs I can find, both within the outfit I work for, and anything else that might come up. After only a week being off of swing shifts, Superwife has decided to share with me that she wasn't the big fan of it that I always assumed she was. She just wasn't telling me, because I suppose, until something else came up, what would have been the point?

For my end, I haven't really made up my mind whether I like working like a normal person yet Personally I have always thought 'normal' is a dirty word. I mean honestly, who wants to be generically compared to everyone else? I have always considered myself to be abnormal and am more than a little proud of being a bit off-center when compared with the rest of the people around me. But that being said, I am liking getting home at a reasonable time each night, and also knowing that I am going to be free to sit in my pj's every Sunday and watch football (like I am doing as I write this. So I am not counting it out just yet.

And for anyone who is keeping up on my letters to Trin, this month's letter is up here.

long weekend

2008-08-29T23:11:00.004-04:00

So, last weekend of the summer. And thinking on where it went, I immediately go to 'when did it start?'. The entire northern hemisphere has had a pretty much bullshit summer, at least as far as temperature goes, and this weekend looks to be no different.

I start a new job on Tuesday, so for the first time in a long time, this labour day weekend is actually a long weekend for me since I have said goodbye to shift work. I am looking forward to my family having a more normal lifestyle, and at least my daughter knowing when I'll be in and out for a change. But now that its pending, I find myself thinking less about the new job and the rigamorole that it will entail, and more about what a change it is going to be being home in the evenings and weekends all the time, and whether I will be raining on Superwife's parade as much as I think I will be.

And did you catch that I used the word rigamarole just now?

a full calendar

2008-08-19T07:44:00.001-04:00

I hardly ever update this thing anymore. Damn you twitter, and your concise method of communicating!

I just updated my Google work calendar to reflect the new job I start in a few weeks, and because its a day job, working Mon-Fri, the damn thing is now full of entries that say ' WORK' on them. So many more entries than this long time shift worker is used to seeing. It's almost like every day from Monday to Friday has this nasty little tag on it that indicates that I have to be somewhere other than enjoying time off or sleeping between shifts. Oh, wait. Its exactly like that.

Yes, I am looking forward to better pay, no 12 hour shifts, a more normal routine, and an increase in at least the potential to mate with my wife. But this having to come into work so often thing. This is going to take some getting used to.

It almost would have been worth it to go to Comic Con just to see this

2008-08-04T07:01:00.001-04:00

I totally forgot that whole christians as cannibals bit

2008-07-27T01:46:00.002-04:00

Transubstantiation.

It is the change of the substance of bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ occurring in the Eucharist according to the teaching of some Christian Churches, including the Roman Catholic Church, while all that is accessible to the senses remain as before.

(from Wikipedia)

Before I looked it up, I had never heard of the word myself, though having been raised by the poster-girl for fundamentalist religious zealotry, I knew all about that whole crackers and wine bit as the flesh and blood of christ. But in all the many, many reasons for ridiculing the world's various religions, and the particularly offensive one that is catholicism in particular, I somehow totally missed this.

I mean, if you're a fundie, and you go to church, and you step up to the buffet line for a whole heaping helping of the eucharist, and you are a believer, you actually think that your priest just magically changed that cracker and wine into someone else's flesh and blood. And you ate it anyways. Ergo, you (at least in your head) believe yourself to be a cannibal. Like there wasn't enough material to make fun of here.

This all comes up because I listened to this week's Skeptic's Guide to the Universe podcast, in which there is a long discussion about a kid who had received death threats for taking a eucharist cracker out of church. When a rational individual came to his defense, and in that defense was hit with a few death threats himself, the story made quite a stir.

Here's a great little article that discusses the whole kerfuffle (crackerfuffle?) in much more detail than I am prepared to.

If you're a fundie, give this article a wide miss. But if you are a fundie you already know to give most things a wide miss. Things like evolution, rational debate, critical thinking, the scientific method.

If however, your brains haven't fallen out of your head and been replaced with divine goodness, this whole death threat over someone mocking transubstantiation is awesome. Pack of fucking lunatics if you ask me. Pack. of. fucking. lunatics.

What's even better is that I very soon get to have a visit with my favourite fundie, in the form of a visit for a few days with my Mom as she comes to stay with us over my vacation.

As an aside, this brings up a recent choice I had to make: Sharing a hotel room with 3 people (and a bed with another dude) while milling around with a whole shitload of comics geeks at Comic Con, or spending a few days trying to survive a visit with my Mom. I stand by my choice. That whole paying to go on an unpaid working vacation in the middle of the summer without the girls with money I don't have AND having to share a room with three strangers (and a bed with another dude) or hanging out with my sometimes loony Mom really wasn't much of a choice at all.

Either way, I am seriously thinking of bringing the whole Crackergate thing up when she comes up tomorrow just so I can watch her explode in a puff of self-righteous outrage.

I want to believe too

2008-07-24T10:07:00.000-04:00

I have long been a fan of the X-Files. The pilot aired something like 16 years ago, and I spent the first few years of the show's lifespan in an adolescent altered state, and since I was already a hardcore scifi fan anyways, it was a natural fit for me to get into the show.

I have really been looking forward to the new movie, and was one of the faithful fans hoping that it would have gotten made years ago. The above clip is a decent, spoiler-free interview with Producer/Creator/Mescaline-freak Chris Carter about what viewers can expect from 'The X-Files: I Want to Believe', and maybe the future.

For my end, I consider myself a skeptic in the face of the supernatural, (I even hate the word 'supernatural', what a cop-out phrase) but there are many things that I do indeed Want to Believe in. I even have the poster to prove it:

I'm not going to get to go to Comic-Con this summer as I had planned. I was to have attended as press with the company I review movies for, but because I would have paid too much of the expenses out of my own pocket, it just wasn't something I could justify spending the money on.

But I am particularly bummed that I am not going because the movie debuts over the course of the event and it is certain that there would have been a screening, and an interview panel. I might even have gotten to interview Gillian Anderson, or Duchovny. But that's maybe for the best anyways, cause if I did interview Anderson my inner fanboy might have won out and I might have just sat there giggling at her, and with Duchovny I would probably have just kept repeating how fantastic he is in Californication and forgotten all about the movie completely.

However I do get to see it, I Want to Believe that this movie is going to rock. And [begin irony] I have faith [end irony] that it will.

Hi, I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC: Iron Man and Batman #4

2008-07-20T01:18:00.001-04:00

I have not yet seen The Dark Knight, but I will admit to being one of the people like the ones in the video that have been waiting a very long time to see it. With all the hype flying around about how great this film is I am starting to get concerned that it can't possibly measure up by the time I get to the theater to see it.

I don't know if anyone else will find this funny, but honestly, how can you not? Even the Jesus bit at the end was funny, and I normally find nothing at all funny about that shite.

one fucking thing after another

2008-07-18T07:02:00.006-04:00

Ok, so I am at work last night, and I was being inundated with bullshitty things that, though small, were cumulatively working to put me in a very bad mood. Just one little thing after another.

And then, just when I see my cell ringing and I think I am going to get some relief from the one person who I can reasonably expect it from, Superwife calls and immediately picks a fight with me about how this one person who I started the same day as is now my boss, and how much it pisses her off that I am not more aggressive at work. And then she hung up on me. Fucksakes, that one put me over the top. Truth be told, I am still mad about that one.

It just served to remind me that at the end of the day, as supportive as she ~~usually is~~ ~~sometimes is~~ used to be, I am really out here on my own. Good thing I occasionally think everyone else is in my head, or I might get depressed.

EDIT Ok, so now that I have gotten some perspective, I know I am not at all on my own. And if Superwife can put up with me for the litany of shit that I don't talk about, she should be entitled to rain on my parade once in awhile.

not quite tired enough

2008-07-17T06:55:00.007-04:00

Just came home from a 12 hour night shift, and for some reason I don't feel like falling down asleep in bed the second I've gotten in the door. And with no one else around to keep me company, I'll have to settle in for a gigantic bowl of shreddies and some random blathering.

I don't think I do enough of stream of consiousness type writing here. I use the blog, as I have for years, to post my thoughts, but I think I don't keep in mind that this is for me way more than its for anyone else, and keeping a journal is cathartic even when you have nothing seemingly meaningful to talk about.

I was telling a friend at work the other day how I haven't been being a very good consumer lately. How I haven't been reading anything other than comic books, haven't bought any movies or new videogames or gadgets, basically how I haven't spent any money on anything other than the bills in awhile. But then I realized that I have been listening to audiobooks on my iPod, watching movies that I have either downloaded or been doing reviews for, so I have been doing plenty of consuming. I just haven't been paying for it.

Those aforementioned comics that I have been reading lately include the spectacular Dynamo 5, which I highly recommend, as well as the summer series from the big two, Secret Invasion and Final Crisis, both of which are really good, but bear the distinct smell of off-shoot books that I am never going to buy any of.

And I got a big stack of Blu-Rays to review from the company I review for, so I will be continuing to consume those without paying for them. I actually wasn't sure if the guy who owns the company was going to have me work for him anymore; I thought he might have been a little sore that I bailed on going to Comic-Con on him. But the bottom line there was I just couldn't justify spending money I didn't have on something so frivolous, no matter how much fun I might have had doing it. Not when Superwife isn't working, and there are always things I could be doing for her, my daughter, the new house. Either way, it seems like there are no hard feelings.

And as far as gadgets go, I have been very close to taking the iPhone plunge lately, in light of the new data plans released along with the 3G, but the bottom line is the iPhone blows for taking pictures, and if I can't get a smartphone that shoots at least good pics as the cell I have, what's the point of trading up at all. So no consuming there either.

What else? I have been twittering a lot lately, both following and updating myself. I see that it could be mildly addictive, but not in the pervasive way that things like facebook and myspace were for me.

I opted in for the hundred pushups challenge. In 6 weeks, following the program, one is supposed to be able to do 100 push-ups in a row. I took the intial test and could do a grand total of 18 before I collapsed on the floor. So I have my work cut out for me.

And now that I feel a little more tired than when I sat down, here's to hoping that if Trin wakes me up early this afternoon, its a little more pleasant than the rude awakenings her tantrums have been waking me up with the last few days.

my all-time favourite movie: The Day the Earth Stood Still

2008-07-12T14:58:00.007-04:00

We shall be waiting for your answer.
The decision rests with you...

There is not one self-respecting science fiction fan that doesn't know the meaning behind the words Klaatu barada nikto, the key phrase used in the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still. And even though its been around since 1951, this movie carries a resonance with it that no other movie that I have ever seen has been able to beat.

It is a cautionary tale that pre-dates the bulk of the cold war that tells the story of first contact with a visiting alien, and the very human reaction to the visitation. But second to the very knee-jerk and certainly plausible reaction of the panicked humanity is the reason for his visit. Because the movie was made as the proliferation of nuclear weaponry was in its infancy, it was Hollywood's first real good warning on the dangers that these weapons posed not to just to ourselves, but to a fictional (?) galactic community. Personally, I think a lot of people could use a watch of this timeless classic. I'm looking in your general direction North Korea...

The Day the Earth Stood Still is a really, really cool flick that holds up just as well almost 60 years later as it did when it was first shown. I highly recommend it. If you haven't seen it, seriously go get yourself a copy and enjoy.

Now that being said, I am so very cautious about the remake that is coming out this December, starring Keannu Reeves. As much as I loved The Matrix movies, I am not 100% sure that Neo should be running around Washington pretending to be the alien threatening humankind's extinction. I guess we'll know after this December if remaking this one was a good idea or not.

I will probably see it, but I don't know that my mind will be as open as it normally is. I certainly don't want to be one of those fanboys crying foul at their treasured memories. And I won't be watching this one and doing a frame by frame comparison, or whining about the horrible mis-casting of Mary Jane Watson. Oops, wrong movie. But I will have a hard time figuring out why this movie is being remade at all. Maybe someone has decided that its time to bring the metaphorical slap in the face back into movies; 'March of the Penguins', 'The Day After Tomorrow' and 'Wall-E' notwithstanding. But regardless, I am kind of looking forward to seeing what modern CG can do for Gort.

EDIT - 12/26/2008 - Yeah, so on reflection, and in conversation with a friend who is a closet geek (who wouldn't want everyone to know their geekiness, btw?), I have decided to completely boycott this film. I have come around to the idea that because this is a completely superfluous remake, every time someone suggests I watch the new flick, I will counter with an offer to watch the original instead. Why fuck with something that doesn't need to be impproved? Next year, look for Ashton Kutcher starring in the title role of the remake of 'The Godfather'. Makes at least as much sense to me.

letters to trinity

2008-07-05T07:32:00.003-04:00

As part of my ongoing effort to write a letter to my daughter every month, I have been double posting here and on a site I set up just for her.

I just wrote Trin's 3rd birthday letter, and I have decided that from now on I can't bring myself to print my letters to Trin on this blog any longer. I am going to continue to post a letter for her every month, but I am going to keep them on her own site at letterstotrinity.com.

There's just entirely too much swearing, atheist cheerleading, ranting, whining and otherwise non-Trinity-related commentary on this site to keep throwing in my monthly letters to my little girl along with them. That, and as she gets older I am going to get likelier and likelier to also use this site to grouse about the not-as-much-fun aspects of raising a three+ year old, and my monthly love-in to Trin probably wouldn't look all that congruous alongside.

That being said, I might link to them here, in case anyone who follows the blog, family or otherwise, is interested in keeping up with the goings-on of my little princess each month. This month's letter is posted here.

Happy Canada Day

2008-07-01T07:10:00.001-04:00

Canada is the best country in the world, on this day or any other. I just thought it needed to be said, for any that weren't familiar with that fact, or for any who needed reminding.

Sure there are lots of things to bitch about (this new Canadianized DMCA intent on ruining the online experience for all Canadians, a pending two-tiered national health system, a right wing government intent on helping only those who already have plenty, and a lot of ridiculous collective guilt over the treatment of so-called indigenous or distinct societies) but all things considered I would rather be here than anywhere else in the world.

I'm just glad I live in a country so awesome that those are the things that I have to complain about.

like discovering plutonium by accident

2008-06-27T01:06:00.002-04:00

I watched and absolutely loved 'Turn Left', the 11th episode of the 4th season of Doctor Who the other night. I love this show a lot. Probably more than might be considered healthy. It speaks to the little kid in me who knew at the time that he was in the middle of a childhood that was going to suck some hard ass when he was old enough to look back at it later.

That's probably why I am such a kid at heart now. Or still. I read comics without shame. I play video games, although who doesn't anymore I guess. And I love watching tv and movies that are remakes of properties that I hold fond memories of watching when I was a kid. I guess I just explained away, in passing, Hollywood's entire reasoning for remaking those properties.

Anyway, Doctor Who is among my favourite, if not my favourite property to get remade. I was nuts for the original series during the late 70s/early 80s (aka: the Tom Baker years). And I have been following the new series with religious fervor. (Although after 4 years, its probably time to stop calling it 'new').

Probably the coolest thing about the Doctor, aside from the gadgets, the whole being near-immortal, and the way-fucking-cool Time Machine he had, was that he got to have adventures with smart, beautiful women who were way more than arm candy, but were equal partners in his experiences. I always fantasized that I would get to be like him, and in one way, I have. My partner is smart, funny, beautiful and challenges me all the time. Hmm, maybe the show has revealed itself to be the root of my sexual awakening? Meh, either way, if I could just get myself a TARDIS and a sonic screwdriver, I'd be all set.

Where I had originally intended this subtle love-in for Superwife to go was to reiterate my obsession with the Best Doctor Who Companion Ever, Rose Tyler, played by the lovely Billie Piper. And to mention that the episode I just watched I have been waiting patiently for since the tear-jerking season 2 finale. The one where Rose Tyler comes back for real. Sortof. And to mention that 'Turn Left' was a stand out episode in a whole season of stand out episodes. It was really a great show, and a fantastic pay-off to anyone who has been following the 'new' series.

And finally, I brought this whole thing up to let anyone who might be interested know that I just found out that Billie Piper is starring as a prostitute on a new Showtime series based on the blogs of a British bad girl called 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl'. And not only is she awesome in it (so I hear), she gets naked in it. A lot.

Personally, I am not sure if I am interested in seeing her without her clothes off, having sex, or talking directly to the camera Ferris Bueller style about taking her clothes off and having sex. Something about how that might sully the whole Best Doctor Who Companion Ever thing offends me a little.

Aw, who the fuck am I kidding? Time to go visit piratebay.

comfortably bored

2008-06-25T00:42:00.000-04:00

I am currently enjoying the long time off part of my shift work that comes around every five weeks, and find myself bored. Not in a negative or self-destructive way, nor even in a restless one. Just in an 'I've run out of projects to do, things to read, movies to watch, but I am still just quite content to enjoy not having to carry stress from my job' kind of way.

Its not lost on me that I am so lucky with the job that I have, and among other benefits, the time off that my shift work entails. That I don't mind working a swing shift is a given, as all-nighters and long days aren't a problem for me. But that Superwife equally doesn't mind my weird times of absence, or that I had a good day when being interviewed for the full time version of my job, and was subsequently successful in that competition. These things aren't lost on me.

I am also feeling a little more contemplative than normal. As I usually do this time of year, I have been thinking a lot about my friend Jon Cooley, who died way too young from cancer over the Canada Day weekend, what, almost seven years ago? Man how could that much time have gone by? I have never been able to be close to a lot of people. I usually draw a wall between myself and others that find a reason to make the attempt, and those attempts are few and far between, probably because I have always been a bit of an odd duck. I don't know who to blame for the way that I am. No one but myself I guess. But with Jon it was just different, and not because he died and I can now posthumously elevate our relationship, like some people are wont to do with their own friendships after losing someone. He and I always had a way of communicating to each other on a level that I have only since found with my wife and partner. My life has been a little poorer for Jon's absence and I still miss him greatly, even after all this time.

Hmm, now I have gone from contemplative to morose. But I am not, not really. Just bored. And maybe a little melancholy. I don't find thinking about absent friends morbid, but life affirming. I am not dead, or as far as I know, currently afflicted with anything more serious than inexorably working towards my own end like everyone else on this flying mudball. I am in a healthy, loving relationship with someone who for reasons mostly unknown to me has chosen me to spend her life with. I have a wonderful, vivacious, inquisitive daughter to help me see the world through, and along with a job that affords me the luxury of having so much time off at once that I can claim mild boredom as my only current problem, I guess I am doing all right.

I was going to go off about how Fucking Spectacular the 11th episode of Doctor Who was, what with Billie Piper finally returning to the show (sorry if that was a spoiler), but I think I'll just save anything more about that for later. I think I'll soon crawl into bed with the wife, and with no ulterior motives other than to feel her comfortable presence alongside mine, go rub her back in her sleep or something.