YAMLive.com Yeshiva Ateres Menachem Ottawa News and Pictures - Keeping YAMMERS informed!

Koparot on the front lines Miami Beach,FL!

2008-10-12T15:56:00.003-04:00

Morgy goes Bluetooth!

2008-10-12T01:48:00.003-04:00

Before Tishrei, we noticed Morgy's new bluetooth ear piece he got!

Yamlive article makes it on Shturem!

2008-10-12T01:40:00.002-04:00

We recently posted some pictures of Mendy Shmit milking some cows in the Vietnam, after Shturem.net viewing on Yamlive, they made an article of it.

Click on link below:

http://www.shturem.org/index.php?section=news&id=30337

Morgy & Maness leave FL

2008-10-10T13:49:00.002-04:00

Moshe and Yossi (Archive photo)

This morning Yossi and Moishe caught their 7:45am flight from Ft. Lauderdale Airport to NYC after spending a great and inspiring High Holidays in Doral, Florida. Some pics and Updates will be coming shorty!

"I am hungry"!

2008-10-10T13:14:00.002-04:00

Just hours before Yom Kippur, Berel Zak follows the Custom to ask for Lekach before Yom Tov, from the Head Shliach of Austin Rabbi Yossel Levertov.

The Exhuast Pipe: Issue 8 - Page # 3

2008-10-10T11:01:00.000-04:00

+++ Zman Matan Toraseinu Begins +++

Zman Simchaseinu: The time of our rejoicing, a time in which every Bochur could do as he wishes, for the teachers aren’t strict with the students, neither is the Hanholo. A.k.a. the Cheshvan-Kislev Zman, ending with the winter vacation.

Zman Matan Toraseinu: The time of receiving our Torah, a time in which every Bochur has to learn a lot, since some teachers have changed, and our own Menahel teaches a class, and is very strict with the students. (A.k.a. the New Zman, ending with the Pesach vacation.)
As Zman Simchaseinu unfolded, the Bochurim of the highest class (Rabbi Shuchat’s class) were treated to a special system, in which they could demand rewards but do not have to keep up with the punishment laws, a system which resulted in total failure of the class.

Every disturbance was rewarded with a Knass which wasn’t enforced, and so, the Talmidim realized that everything could be done without suffering the consequences.
This has led the teacher, Rabbi Shuchat, to a realization that this is not the place for him to work, and these are not the guys that he wants to deal with, and so he decided that he will quit as of Chanukah.

Upon hearing this, his class jumped from joy, they had managed to get rid of this nice teacher who tried to prevent them from doing whatever they wanted. But, what a surprise they were in for... We have interviewed Nissen Lewis on the matter after the beginning of the new Zman, Zman Matan Toraseinu, our comments are in brackets.

TEP: Nissen, we heard that a new teacher (I would call him a zoo-keeper) has started teaching the class, he is considered one of the top teachers in the world (you bet, he has controlled immature animals and beasts for 5 years, 24/7). Who is he?
Nissen: F--- Shuchat, That F---’n S---hole decided to quit... (beep... beep... beep...)
TEP: Yes, we know that (Shuchat told us he is quitting because he got hurt from the lion, just like Noah in the Ark, who got hurt from the lion for doing the lion a favor), but who is the new teacher?

Nissen: He is Rabbi Berger (That’s great!).
TEP: Rabbi Berger? He returned from his fundraising trip (to which he left, once he left a class in the hands of Yossel)? That’s great to hear, what do you say about the class?
Nissen: Well, Zman Simchaseinu has ended (you bet!), and now its for real, he writes on the board (you guys asked for it, don’t complain!), and we have to copy it all, he doesn’t let us talk and he is enforces strictly our learning (finally you will learn something, you British fool!), we are learning a lot, and (shouting) I am going to kill that F---’n Shuchat for quitting!
TEP: Please drink the cup of water, and let’s continue the conversation. (Five minutes later) OK, as I see you are very nervous I would like to ask you: What statement would you like to make to conclude this interview?
Nissen: I would like to kill anybody who has made Rabbi Shuchat’s life miserable, and that includes me, for because of them we are stuck with Berger King! I never wanted him to quit.
TEP: Thank you very much.

After this rocking interview, we have approached the other members of the class to find out who is the culprit who decided to make Rabbi Shuchat quit.
TEP: Motty Jaffe! Were you the one which made Shuchat quit?
Motty: Never! I have never wanted him to quit, I knew and I still know he is the best teacher in the whole world, look at my notes from when he taught.
TEP: Chaim Kaufmann! Was it you?
Chaim: Me? Never! I love him, and I want him to come back, I always liked his class.
TEP: Shmully Lazaroff! Was it you?
Shmully: Lorrena, how many more potatoes should I peel?
TEP: Pinchus Morozow! Was it you? We have a feeling after you tried to “beat him up” you decided to get rid of him, is that correct?
Pinchus: No, It doesn’t really matter to me, I do my learning with Gershon at night.
TEP: Reuven Overlander! Are you the culprit? You couldn’t handle a teacher who is only seven months older than you, and already has a beard, Ah?
Reuven: He is a great guy when he answers our Smicha questions, I hope he passes me and signs my Smicha diploma.

Leiby Best didn’t reply to our question, and Sruli Weiss was busy smoking some grass which he hid in his hair, and we couldn’t get a legible answer from that stoner.
So, after a full day of investigations, we were so tired and decided to call upon Effie and his investigative offices, to help us solve this problem.
A day later...
Effie: I have it! It was my pet, Yitzchok Eilenberg, who decided that it wasn’t right for a teacher to send out whoever disturbs his class, and complained to Rabbi Berger.
TEP: Thank you very much, now to you Itzik, what do you have to say?
Itzik: I will beat him up, he thinkth that he iz the greatethst teacher and the strongest person, I will beat him up.
TEP: Thank you very much for the info, now go beat him up.

NEWSFLASH: Remains of Itzik Eilenberg were found in Gershon’s room, after he tried to beat up Shuchat, but instead his belly got stuck in the heater and he bounced off with a bang. Details to follow.

How can you meassure the distance of the lightning from the thunder following it?

2008-10-10T10:05:00.000-04:00

There is a delay of 5 seconds between the time you see a flash of lightning and hear the thunder.

If you see a flash and count 5 sec.

5 sec= 1mi
10 sec=2 mi
15 sec= 3 mi

And so on...

A Bar Mitzvah celebrated on Campus!

2008-10-08T01:00:00.005-04:00

This afternoon we Baruch & Berel were sitting on Campus, a familiar face came over to them and wanted to check out what's going on, he spotted the bag of Tefilin and asked "What are these"? and was explained what it is. A few seconds later he told us he never did it and we made him a Bar Mitzvah on the Campus grounds, probably the first one in 100 Years!

How is Kosher milk made in the Vietnam?

2008-10-07T21:07:00.006-04:00

Our fellow Yammer Mendy Ajzenshmidt who is now on Shlichus there with his buddy shows how its done! He is working under the Head Shliach to Vietnam Rabbi Hartman.

S'up?
Observing the Process

Mendy (Center) and Rabbi Hartman flitering the (soon to be) Milk

The Exhuast Pipe: Issue 8 - Page # 2

2008-10-07T21:00:00.000-04:00

=== From the Rabbi’s Notebook ===

Question: What is wrong with the use of vulgar language?

Answer: We need to discuss the human aspect and the Judaism aspect, we’ll start with the human aspect: Society is made of various layers, there are the regular people, important people (e.g., rabbis), and the trash. Torah describes the way in which one can recognize a person, to which society he belongs: by examining his drinking habits, his spending habits and his talking habits. When you listen to a conversation of a person you can recognize what kind of person he is, whether he belongs to “normal” society, or he belongs to the trash.

Every normal person strives to be a part of a normal society, that’s why he learns, works, and tries to get himself a life, but a lot of people do not realize that the use of vulgar language implies that the person does not belong in a healthy society. I am sure every person who is reading this, is striving to be a better person, therefore, there is no reason to lower yourself to the level of the scum on the street by using vulgar language, just for your own good.

That’s basically the human aspect of it, to be a normal person, you just got to behave like one, and one of the most important guidelines is the language, talking like a normal person, without the use of vulgar language, swearing or cursing.

Now to the Judaism aspect, Every Jew has a soul from G-d, a part of G-d, and therefore, every person has a responsibility to make his body into a place for G-d, by behaving the proper way, one of the important aspects of it, is the proper use of language, as befitting a prince, as every Jew is considered a Prince, son of a King, and has to behave accordingly.
There is no reason to use vulgar language, in any case, it can always be rephrased in a nicer way, without the additions of the scum and trash of society.

To conclude, the Gemara is Maseches Shabbos 33a writes: “... A Person who profanes his mouth (by vulgar language, swearing, etc.) causes that G-d retracts all the good he has designed for him for the coming 70 years”, it is worth it to watch the mouth, like the smartest of all men, Shlomo HaMelech, said: “Life and death are in the hands of the mouth”, you don’t want to ruin for yourself, just for no good reason.Good Shabbos, Rabbi Shuchat

Berel & Baruch spread the word on Campus

2008-10-07T02:17:00.006-04:00

As reported earlier that Berel (and Rebbetzin) Z and Baruch T made their way to Chabad at University of Texas to help out with the High Holidays. Here some pictures of them on the Campus.

Picture of the Day - Galveston Island, TX

2008-10-07T00:42:00.001-04:00

Berel Zak was there today and got this Photo!

The Exhuast Pipe: Issue 8 - Page # 1

2008-10-07T00:15:00.000-04:00

+++ Zvi Gets a Flat Tire +++

Of the many wonderful activities Ottawa has to offer over its long and white winter, ice hockey is one of the more violent ones, and the small park on the corner of Dovercourt and Clyde is known around the greater Carling-Kirkwood area as a place where you can roll down the 126-inch slope on a piece of wood, skate over the forms of small children and blind skaters on the ‘special Olympics pond of ice’, or play calm, non-violent games of hockey over jagged, rough slates of ice with jutted edges at the corners.

At the Yeshivas Ateres Menachem dormitory, Bochurim were packing their equipment into over-sized bags, hauling them onto their shoulders, and lugging them into Rabbi Berger’s van, or into the all-terrain 4-wheel-drive shopping cart (proudly displayed on Yeshiva! the movie’s advertisement) to be raced across the slippery sidewalks of Western Ottawa. The Beinunis hockey team were quite proud of themselves, having recently won 2 games in a row due to their efficient tactic of sending a fully-padded individual into their own goal, and giving a goalie to the other team armed with only a piece of plywood and two cardboard boxes wrapped around his ankles and fastened with used rubber bands (the Hachlata is over).

As they arrived at the rink, the figures in the arena that were furiously playing their game slowed down to watch the Beinunis unpack. Slowly one of them slinkered over to coach Dovi Small to ask: “Hey dude. Will you guys be like playing us tonight ay?” Dovi pulled a large icicle out of his beard before giving an affirmative answer to the 6 eager and talented players.
Thus began the game that would see Effie Wolfe score 5 goals, Dovi Small score another few, and Meir Lieblich crash into more walls than Pac-man. Dovi split us into 3 lines and the game began.
Being that this is not the exactly the sports section, and Yisroel wants to conserve space in this publication, I will not report the play-by-play of the game which I had prepared. With color commentary too. But suffice it to say that when Leib Morris goes down, he doesn’t get up. We won the first game 15-14, and tied the second 6 all.

After the game while taking off our equipment, several players noticed that Zvi Hershcovich was walking awkwardly, as though he had inadvertently sat down on a cactus plant 5 feet in diameter. Upon questioning, Zvi admitted that he had pulled his muffler. Sprained his groin. Waxed his moustache. But let’s not talk about his personal life.

It was an injury that would keep him out of Zal for the next few days, and which by the way IS VERY PAINFUL AND THE REASONS WERE VALID ONES AND I STAYED IN BED THE WHOLE TIME RABBI BERGER!!! The Ottawa Children’s Hospital would later confirm that Zvi had indeed pulled his groin playing hockey and would be out of action for at least a week.
We sincerely hope that his computer truly appreciates the quality time he has spent with it the past week.

=== Quotes of the Week ===

“The only excuse for not coming to Seder tomorrow is that you are dead!” - Rabbi Berger

“So does that mean you see everything upside-down?” - Zeev Eagle when told by Dovi Small that his contact lens were upside-down

“A drunkard thought he could drown his Tzorehs with Mashke, but then he found out that Tzorehs could swim!” - Sholom Ber Shuchat

The view!

2008-10-06T01:08:00.002-04:00

Here is the view Morgy & Maness get from their back yard at the Chabad House their working at in Miami.

Picture of the Day - "Mogolevs-king"

2008-10-06T01:04:00.001-04:00

Recent photo of Rabbi Berger in Melbourne!

2008-10-06T01:03:00.000-04:00

The Exhuast Pipe: Issue 7 - Page # 6

2008-10-06T01:00:00.000-04:00

=== Eilenberg Goes Public ===

by Yitzchok Eilenberg (Special to The Exhaust Pipe)

“Eilenberg get out of my classroom, Eilenberg get out of my classroom.”
“I need to get a pen you... (PeeWee how do you spell Beheima?)”
“Be-he-i-ma”
“I need to get a pen you Beheima.”
SMACK, OUCH #@?!
“Why did you hit Eilenberg?” said Motty Jaffe.
“Because he is not answering me,” said Beheima. (the red coats are coming)
“Shut up and don’t ever hit Eilenberg again or I’ll put you on a parachute.” Jaffe said.
“By the way Eilenberg did you iron my shirts yet.” Said the Beheima,
“No, but I’m going to by the break”
... see you just proved that article advertising works.

=== Random Delirium ===

Since this is a lost issue and no one can possibly remember if the week this was made even existed, there is no way to make a Random Delirium section. Our apology, but look at the bright side, isn’t it good to see the TEP again???!!!

Vince & Yankee's Road Trip to Florida - Part II

2008-10-06T00:07:00.000-04:00

Hillarious Video: Bear checks into a Restaurant

2008-10-05T12:00:00.000-04:00

Greetings from Austin, TX

2008-10-03T13:45:00.001-04:00

Here is Berel Zak and Baruch Tauber with their buddy "Michael" at the Head Shliach of Austin's House last night.

The Exhuast Pipe: Issue 7 - Page # 5

2008-10-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

=== Dovi’s Tank Runs on Empty ===

It was a normal Monday night, after a classic Lorrena supper in which we were served Kugel made of cigarettes and a meat-noodle mixture that looked strangely like digested dog food.
This is why we place no blame on Dovi Small -Chassidus Teacher Extraordinaire- who had to pause twice during his class to take ‘bathroom breaks’.

Coach Small, with a large Hassidic following, and countless of fans who sit in his class with pens poised and papers filled with notes like they’re listening to a professor in Penn State College, had his admirers shocked when he paused in the middle of writing on the white-board the word ‘Atik’, and a low rumbling sound was clearly heard from the direction of his esophagus and Dovi’s face went a little white while he gulped air.

This feeling must have passed quickly, because Dovi turned back to the board and continued writing. But it was as he was making a chart on the difference between the Kabalistic levels of ‘Mah’ and ‘Hu’ that he suddenly blurted out ‘must... go...’ and raced out of the room holding the lower part of his stomach, where the hockey player’s six-pack is located, while pre-earthquake sounds emitted from his nether realms.

According to a grim passer-by, Yohl Cylich, whose hat is hated by Vince, “I saw this fellow in black garb run out into the fairway and come to a full stop in front of the toilet, where he started spitting out sporadic chunks of his supper like Mount Ste Helens on a clear August morning.”
“At first it came out in a constant stream, like Niagara Falls,” said a white-faced Dovi, talking to a reporter after the ordeal. “Then I went back into class and continued teaching.”

The sick-looking Bochur heroically crawled back into his class, and started heaving-a-hoeing while he sat at his desk before going on in the Tanya lesson.
But then again, he raced out of the classroom mid-sentence, got down on his hands and knees in front of the toilet, and began choking out the occasional piece of digested food like a popcorn machine.

Nevertheless, he had someone drag him (by his forearms, while his back dragged across the ground) back to his students, and finished off his lesson, before retiring for the night.
He even didn’t play hockey!

Motty Slater visits J.E.T.S

2008-10-03T13:01:00.003-04:00

Alittle less than two weeks ago our Yammer friend Motty Slater who did a cross contry road trip stopped in Granada Hills, CA to visit Rabbi Smith at the JETS school and some other Yammers who are there like Ari Prus. Here are some Pix

Home is here!

2008-10-03T12:30:00.001-04:00

Here is a photo of Mendy Kaye and his brother Dovid Nachum at LAX preparing to go to their hometown of Sydney for Tishrei.

Picture of the Day - "Mingeling"

2008-10-03T12:29:00.002-04:00

Hatomim Heshie Goldfein chatting with his buddies at CRC while eating out one day

The Exhuast Pipe: Issue 7 - Page # 4

2008-10-02T11:58:00.000-04:00

=== SEIZURES and other Exciting News ===

A Reunion with the Mohel

Once upon a time, many years ago, there lived a beaver named Mushy Tushy.
Mushy Tushy was a very happy beaver, with extremely sharp teeth, and together with all the other working animals, would help chop down trees using his jagged teeth, in order to build dams to block water from passing through and catch delicious fish.
One day Mushy Tushy was biting some wooden trees and got lost from the rest of his clan, who had left home early. Mushy Tushy was so sad. Mushy Tushy cried for his mother. And Mushy Tushy peed his pants.

Then Mushy Tushy started wandering the forest all by himself. He wandered for days, chewing on tree bark from the large oak trees he was able to find, until one day he noticed a dead fish lying on a small pile of leaves. Mushy Tushy was very hungry, for he hadn’t eaten for many days, and he tried to take the fish with his small paws, but as he stepped close he fell into a deep pit hidden under the leaves and broke his Tushy (thereby getting his name).

Mushy Tushy was captured by these mean scientists who did all sorts of experiments on him, much like Shuki does when people ask him questions. They twisted and turned and tried all different things to him. They even attached electrons to a very special part of his anatomy, causing him to break his Hachlata.

When Mushy Tushy finally escaped from the scientists, he had morphed into a small hamster, or as Shuchat would like to call it, a “Beheima Tereifa.” Of course, I prefer the simple term, “Meham-ster.”

But Mushy Tushy was a very stupid beaver/hamster, and got himself caught again, but this time was sold to a pet shop in Ottawa, where he was stuck in a small cage whose boards weren’t even made of WOOD!

Those were the saddest days of Mushy Tushy’s meager life, But one Friday a large celebrity from ‘the Tiffy show’ came into the shop and started wrapping the owner up in these leather straps. In appreciation, the owner gave Tiffy Mushy Tushy as a pet.
Tiffy brought Mushy Tushy to his home and studio, where everyone got chances to look and smile at him, and one HHHUUUGGGEE guy tried to flush him down the toilet.
He was put into a Tupperware drawer and given a bunch of newspapers to keep himself occupied, chew on, and use as toilet paper.

“He didn’t even give me a hamster wheel!” Squeaked the little mixed-breed freak of nature in an exclusive one-line interview with The Exhaust Pipe.
Finally one day, after being suspended high in the air for awhile by his humongous master, Mushy Tushy was placed on Tiffy’s stomach.
Happy to finally be free again, Mushy Tushy hopped and danced around on Tiffy’s stomach, until he got bored and started looking for other things to do.
(INSERT SCARY MUSIC HERE)

That’s when he saw something he thought he would never see: a tree! Not as large a tree as usual, but a tree nonetheless. Mushy Tushy quickly scrambled his way over to the tree, bypassing the big pit in the middle of Tiffy’s stomach, and took a chunk out of the bark.
A big hand clamped down on Mushy Tushy’s neck and the squealing animal was thrown across the studio by its screaming master, who clutched his private parts in agony, and wailed in pain as the blood started soaking his boxers.

Three stitches, one band-aid, and another set of underpants later, Tiffy finally decided to get Mushy Tushy a mate.
And that’s how Mushy Tushy met Friendly Wendy.

The End.