Dutch Elm Conservatoire

2007-05-01T10:14:00.000Z

Well, it's been a HELLUVA long time since our last post. Why's that then? Personally, I blame the uncertainty over the Labour leadership. That and the unseasonably good weather. And Mohammad Sidique Khan. He definitely has something to do with it.

The news is mixed; after a very long development period, we are finally getting somewhere with the TV version of "Conspiracy", and have a readthrough in front of "Les Fromages Grandes" this week. Fingers crossed.

Elsewhere in TV land, we're recording some new sketches for ITV's Comedy Cuts - and also you can currently see us on Paramount Comedy in a series of sketches we recorded for them at the end of last year. Visit http://www.paramountcomedy.com/shortcuts to see them...

In other news, you can hear Rufus and Jim in the second series of "Deep Trouble" (written by Jim, with Ben Willbond), which starts on May 24th on BBC Radio 4. Steve will soon be appearing in the second series of Hyperdrive, which is airing shortly on BBC, and Dan "Renton" Skinner has been preparing for his excellent two-man Edinburgh show "Classic Entertainment", alongside Tom Verrall. Rufus has been filming Lead Balloon amongst other things, and Jim has been directing various bits and pieces and appearing in a couple of pilots.

That's all the news for now.

2006-11-06T13:31:00.000Z

Just returned from four very enjoyable days in Northern Ireland, where we were performing at the Grand Opera House as guests of the Belfast Festival. We had some of the sharpest and warmest audiences we have ever performed to, and were able to spend the days exploring a fascinating city which we would otherwise have little reason to visit.

One word of caution though: if you ever find yourself in Belfast, staying at the Days Inn near Sandy Row, hold your breath as you run through the lobby to the escalators. The whole place stinks of sh*t.

For your entertainment, here's a little Q&A that appeared in the Belfast Telegraph:

Introduce yourself in no more than 40 words.
Ooh, where to start? We're a comedy group called Dutch Elm Conservatoire. There's five of us and we're all white, but we do all have different ages, haircuts and STDs. Can we come back to yours for coffee?

It's cold outside and there's something I'd like to watch on the box ... so why should I head out to your gig?
Firstly, don't let the cold put you off: there are five of us on stage, so we'll be radiating quite a lot of bodily warmth. Secondly, we've just finished a very successful four-week run at the recent Edinburgh Fringe Festival, so this ain't no gamble, my friend. And, thirdly, having checked the TV listings, it looks like it's us or Ross Kemp On Gangs on Sky 3. You do the math.

Tell us something really surprising about yourself?
One of us, Renton, has the name of the late actor Richard Harris tattooed on his upper arm. He also used to work as a cab driver, and once picked up Gene Pitney. Not that surprising in itself, but Gene talked Renton through his complicated gym workout routine, and it was certainly surprising to learn how much he could bench-press.

In this order, your favourite book, film and CD.
The Wild Geese; The Wild Geese; and The Wild Geese soundtrack (Joan Armatrading).

Strictly Come Dancing or The X Factor - and why?
Strictly Come Dancing got Brucie (Forsyth) back off the streets, so in many ways it has served a social purpose. However, X Factor brought us The Unconventionals - a six-piece middle-aged band that looked like they'd met at a suburban orgy. And for that joyful entertainment, we will always be grateful.

Kylie or Madonna - and why?
Madonna and us have always had a rocky relationship, we're sure she'd be the first to admit that. But since she adopted that small African boy we've really warmed to her. However, what she sees in Guy Ritchie we'll never fathom. She could go out with anyone she wants: Matt Dillon, Rory Bremner, Eddie Murphy ... but, no, she chooses to spend her time with that guy. The Lord alone knows.

The world will end in seven days - how will you spend your last week?
Watching six series of 24 on DVD, plus 24 hours of bonus features.

And, finally, what event (excluding your own, of course) do you really want to get to at this year's Festival?
We'd like to catch Mitchell and Webb and Andrew Maxwell. Other than that, we really want to see The Gipsy Kings. Not only are they the soundtrack to our lives, but they once rented us a static caravan in Anglesey.

2006-10-29T11:26:00.000Z

Gigs this coming week in LONDON & BELFAST have meant a last minute spree of rehearsals as we get the show back up and running again.

You can see the show on Tuesday night in London at the Hen & Chickens theatre, at 9:30pm - for more info visit http://www.henandchickens.com - and then from Thursday to Saturday at the Grand Opera House in Belfast, where we are guests of the Magners Comedy programme at the Belfast Festival. For more info visit http://www.belfastfestival.com

2006-09-19T17:07:00.000Z

So we're back from Edinburgh... largely in one piece. We think the props and costumes made it back too, but no-one has actually seen them yet, so that's still in the balance.

We had a good month back at the Pleasance again, with our new show PRISON - you can see some of our reviews and things on our official website (click the link on the right hand column). Our next commitment with this show is the Belfast Festival in November, where we'll be playing three nights at the Grand Opera House. Again, visit our website for more information.

We're now busy developing our TV pilot script of last year's show, CONSPIRACY, with the lovely folk at Celador - although these things always take much more time than you can ever perceive. It's quite exciting nonetheless, and we're hoping to get things moving in the next few months. Watch this space...

The only other news of note is the amicable departure of Jordan Long after four years with Dutch Elm. So we've now slimmed down from the Famous Five to the Fantastic Four. The wonderful Jim Howick (of sketch group Plastic Cowboys) will be stepping neatly into Jordan's shoes for the Belfast dates, but after that it's the four of us all the way.

2006-06-22T20:34:00.000Z

38 days until Edinburgh.

So much to do in so little time. It's a bit like Genesis (the opening chapter of the bible, not the band). Everyone's been so busy with other things, that we haven't really had a proper chance yet to get our teeth into the show.

We've recorded a little promo for the show - you can listen to it here

And there's now a special website for the show, which is here

We start rehearsing in earnest next week with our director Ed, so we've recently been compiling all the detritus that the script asks for - dodgy props, sounds, odd bits of music. Steve is on the hunt for a load of bling for his character, who is a six foot tall black gangster called Furious P. He's the guy we're singing about in the promo. Fortunately Big Jim, the genius behind all of Jeremy Lion's extraodinary props, has agreed to create some of our more complicated things, including a butterfly called Mr Wendel made out of a velvet bowtie.

We think it's going to be a weird and wonderful show - do come along to our previews in London if you can. They're on the Sat 15th and Sun 16th July at the Etcetera Theatre.

Until the next time...

2006-04-30T22:54:00.000Z

So, we take the first few steps on the long road back to Edinburgh, having only just rolled back down from Arthur's Seat.

We've got a new show afoot - "PRISON" - and we've got to finish writing and rehearsing that. But, as is customary with the Mad Month that is the Fringe, we've had to complete the preposterously early round of photographs and press deadlines. I mean, it's still April, for chrissakes. ISN'T ANYONE THINKING OF THE CHILDREN?

Anyway, apologies for the delay in keeping you updated - much more exciting news to come.

Photographic Evidence

2006-03-16T18:00:00.000Z

We've now uploaded some photos of our time on the road, and some other shots from the last couple of years. They're hosted in their own special gallery on a website called flickr - you don't need to register or anything boring like that - just click here to see them

The Beginning of the End

2006-03-13T16:15:00.000Z

So, after 11 shows in 10 towns, starting in fair Coventry on 23 January and taking in along the way Leicester, Tunbridge Wells, Colchester, Norwich, Salford, London and Maidenhead, our tour of Conspiracy came to a juddering but triumphal halt with two final shows in Canterbury and Brighton.

Canterbury was something of a homecoming gig for the group's chief (and only) Victorian fingersmith look-a-like, Stephen Evans, who had filled the stalls with a selection of friends, family, former sexual partners, debtors and "Hyperdrive" nuts. Renton ate some bad chips from Marina's Fish Shop and felt "a bit dicky", but then again Jim had a "battered donkey nob" (Copyright Ben Willbond 2006) from the same establishment, and remained in fine digestive fettle, so John Peel and Mr Trebus and the rest of the bureaucrats at the BBC's "Life of Grime" can JUST BACK THE F*CK OFF. (I realise John Peel is no longer with us, but if you're a regular reader of this blog, you'll know by now to pay no heed to inaccuracy).

After the show we went to a pub called the Unicorn and had a lock-in, which I suspect is where Steve learnt to drink. Not that evening, I mean earlier in his life. Steve, can you confirm this?

So all that remained then was a visit to Brighton - Sussex's answer to Miami. Not that Miami was asking. After an unexpected last minute shower of pre-press, our show at the Komedia was Sold Out. I'm not sure if you have to capitalise that, but it seemed somehow appropriate. It was a classic last show - if by "classic" you understand "catastrophically badly performed" - but it retained something of the knockabout charm which reviewers so often mistake for clever theatrical subversion, and so the audience enjoyed themselves almost as much as we did.

Afterwards, a rare treat; rather than steaming back to London in an glorified cattle truck, we chose to stay on the seafront at the Lansdowne Place Hotel - which appears to be, amongst other things, some kind of rest home for purple velour fabrics. But, as Renton so concisely phrased it, the hotel "earned every one of its four stars". The staff seemed to think we were some kind of super-famous rock band passing through the area - albeit one with a strange taste in snacks - and had arranged a buffet of fish-based canapes complete with a shining tureen of mayonnaise, much to the amusement of our fellow guests. The barman - who looked EXACTLY like Jean-Claude Van Damme - and, on reflection, may actually have been Jean-Claude Van Damme - had prepared a selection of complimentary cocktails for us. He had clearly done his research into the group, as the three drinks on offer were a Mojito, a Cosmopolitan and - to Jordan's immense relief - a wine-based Kia Royale.

But, as everyone knows, when something is free you have to take it. And so having demolished a trestle-table's-worth of seafood and the finest Cocktailery of the Muscles from Brussels, we braved the Art Deco Elevator of Death and collapsed in our beds; after three months of touring, tired, drunk, happy, a little bilious and in serious need of some vegetables.

Salford, RADA and Maidenhead.

2006-03-01T23:18:00.000Z

Having now passed through the belly of the tour, the end is in sight, and the group looks forward to entering into the lower bowel of Canterbury and, more appropriately, Brighton.

From Norwich, we went to the Salford Lowry, an enormous theatre that was hosting ourselves and the Moscow State Circus on the same evening. Stephen Evans saw a cossack.

For this leg of the tour we were graced by the avuncular presence of Steve Oram or, as the Lowry PA announcer insisted on calling him, Steve Wilkins. Oram's alter ego, Steve Woman, is a thoughtful and tender meditation on country and western music, prostitution and hitting corrugated iron with a stick, three subjects particularly dear to the hearts of Greater Manchester residents.

Shown the way by Oram's trailblazing, the gig really cooked on gas, and to celebrate we all went out for a 6" Subway and a dance. We also treated ourselves to hotel rooms at the highly- rated Salford Travelodge. Jordan received a dirty phone call at three in the morning, which he still maintains was "an inside job", and a local pilled-up couple made a mockery of the Travelodge's keycard security system by swanning into a terrified Oram's room at seven in the morning. Travelodge also gives you a free breakfast croissant in a plastic bag, which is hung on your doorhandle. To be fair this is well-judged, as the truckers, adulterers and known sex offenders who constitute 90 per cent of the average Travelodge guest list tend to be working to a fairly tight schedule.

Still, rooms are only £40 a night, and surprisingly pleasant room furnishings are complimented by a comprehensive selection of pay-per-view pornography.

From Salford, it was back to London for 2 homecoming gigs. We played the Jerwood Vanbergh, a beautiful new theatre in RADA's outstanding theatre complex. This cradle of theatrical excellence was everything we had hoped for - dressing rooms laden with feather boas and Neutral Mask, together with a conversation Jordan overheard in the cafe that began with the solemn words: "Well, I just don't know what to make of him".

The nights were two of our finest, and we were warmly welcomed by an audience swelled by an extraordinary 11th hour email Jordan sent out to The Entire Comedy Industry. A freak Long Address Book Error nevertheless resulted in many familiar faces turning up, startled into attendance by our dear friend's insistent invitation, which stopped just short of threats of physical violence. Many thanks also to Ben Willbond again, whose Fulham Ed continues to both charm and appall all who meet him.

Ben also joined us in Maidenhead, where we played a theatre called Nordern Farm. Despite Steve's disappointment at the stalls not being filled Muppet-style with chickens and cows, this was a fascinating gig. A predominantly middle-aged audience, they laughed eagerly at our antique references to Nazis and Thrush, but some were slightly less enamoured by our recreation of Princess Diana's sad loss. Was Maidenhead on the cortege route? Even if it wasn't, I think it would jolly well have liked to have been. But a lovely audience, and a lovely theatre, though a faulty drainage system meant that the entire playing space smelt of raw sewage. Insert joke here.

Norwich

2006-02-12T21:26:00.000Z

A terrific night at the Norwich Playhouse, an impressive theatre which was opened by the playwrite Arthur Miller, though not recently.

We were treated to a lovely audience, the type you'd like to hug, possibly nuzzle and then take home with you. Which Steve actually did. Steve, if you're reading this, it is technically kidnap and, despite what you said last Thursday, not the way to generate rapport. Plus we're running out of gaffer tape.

On top of a great show, I had a lovely chili con carne from a nearby organic cafe.
This is the first time I have ever bought anything from an organic shop, and found the experience soothing and pleasant. Although they didn't have an onsite microwave, which is exactly the sort of flaky, tree-shagging atittude I've come to expect from food druids.

Salford next, which is to Manchester what Tony Almeida is to Jack Bauer - a reluctant yet dependable ally, with no Harvey Nicks.

Churches of England

2006-02-06T17:05:00.000Z

Some nice press has been coming out over the last couple of weeks, including THIS very nice article by Mr Stephen Armstrong in The Sunday Times.

We spent the weekend in church. Or churches, to be precise. Friday night was our visit to the Trinity Theatre in Tunbridge Wells, a beautifully converted church. Well, it is beautifully converted in the Front-of-House areas. Backstage, it is home to the Headache-inducing Flourescent Orange Dressing Room of Doom. We had a wonderful reception there, although the audience did get a bit confused: our lovely support act, Ben Willbond, in character as Ed Wellesley-Smith, told the audience that he had come out to talk to them for a bit because the main act was stuck on the M25. Unfortunately a few of the audience took this at face value, assumed we weren't going to show, and tried to leave in the interval. It took some convincing from the venue staff to get them to hang around for the rest of the show.

Afterwards, we all piled back into our people carrier, which seems to have been retro-fitted with an exhaust on the inside of the cab. Although this transport arrangement would be ideal for a group of potential suicide candidates (who also need multiple cup-holders and armrests) it doesn't make for a particular enjoyable touring experience.

On Saturday we were in Colchester, where a small army of squaddies queuing at a Halifax cash machine thought I was Elton John. What a jovial and charismatic bunch they are. Hopefully I will see them on the news soon, getting shot at. Unfortunately the acoustics at Colchester Arts Centre are something akin to a large church - that being its previous occupation - and so while the front half of the audience enjoyed the show, the back few rows spent most of the latter half of the show asking each other what was going on, who is the guy in the hat, and what did he just say to the man in the blue trousers. Its also not until you perform in two churches sequentially that you realise how blasphemous large chunks of your material are.

Still, we didn't get struck down, and so onwards to Norwich...

Two down; nine to go

2006-02-01T14:33:00.000Z

After what can only be described as a spluttering* start to the tour in Warwick on Monday 23rd Jan, our intrepid exploration of suburban traffic systems and poorly-lit dressing rooms got a well-needed boost last Saturday in the city of Leicester. And it is a city, because - as the famous rule dictates - you can call it a city if it has got a Hog's Head pub.

It was a good show, if not something of a Jazz Odyssey, partly because the full and lively crowd were forgiving enough to allow us to take our now-familiar levels of unprofessionalism to an all-time low. Now, I don't like to point fingers, but while I was trying to uphold some kind of decorum on stage, the other four members of the group insisted on steering the script into uncharted waters. Fortunately, as this distracting behaviour reached its peak, a young australian lady in the front row was courteous and brave enough to become a sort of "pro tem" sixth member of the group. As usual, I was the very model of actorliness, and accepted her help with quiet grace.

The midnight return to London involved an overdue and - arguably - overlong session of the "Wet" game, which for the uninitiated, involves presupposing where a Casting Director might turn in the event of the first choice actor not wanting to show up because its raining. The original example being that Dennis Quaid is a "wet" Harrison Ford. Unfortunately, despite some insightful and inspired new entries, this particular session reached a particularly unsatisfying conclusion when it became impossible to think of a "wet" Val Kilmer. If for some ungodly reason you are still reading this blog entry, and fancy a crack at the tricksy Kilmer conundrum, then please post a reply. We will forever be indebted.

We're off to Royal Tunbridge Wells and Colchester next. We did a remote interview from the bowels of Broadcasting House on Tuesday, talking to Julie Maddocks on BBC Radio Kent to publicise the Tunbridge gig. The interview was immediately followed by a feature on single dads. Steve very kindly offered to stay on and contribute, but unfortunately the line had gone dead.

* i.e. shit.

Bitter Aftertaste

2006-01-30T14:36:00.000Z

With reference to "Big Boy" (Warwick), the comment was made in the 37th minute of the show, to a member of the audience on the front row. And, I have to tell you, I had no intention of stirring up a hornets nest such as I have done, and the whole incident has left a rather bitter aftertaste (in my mouth).

I should explain that the comment was intended to shock the recipient into a course of crash dieting rather than to encourage the kind of filth that has turned up on the website. He was a big boy... too big, he was taking up two seats and frankly that costs us money. If we were all as diligent and as conscientious as I like to think I am, then we might start making some f###### money from this venture, rather than pootling about in a people carrier, which the rest of you left covered in beer I might add.

We could be arriving at gigs in stretched Humvees (Iraqi chic), or helicopter (Vietnam chic). Come on people, think about it.

Tony Almeida, C.T.U.

Gay Fans in Warwick

2006-01-27T10:46:00.000Z

Well, this is very exciting, and comes just in time because I have recently bought a new desktop from the good men, women and children of MESH.

I have also just looked in the guestbook and realised that Dan obviously made a very strong impression on a young man at the Coventry gig. Wouldn't it be great to develop a substantial gay following, like Take That or Peter Tatchell?

I look forward to Steve's posts - in fact, Steve, you should become the group's offical senior archivist. your innate formality will interplay nicely with Jordan's Thrash-Beatnik style.

Rx

Welcome to the Dutch Elm blog

2006-01-27T00:33:00.000Z

Dear fans, friends, students, bored housewives, and lazy journalists,

Welcome to the brand new shiny Dutch Elm Conservatoire blog, which may or may not be updated regularly, almost certainly won't containing anything of world-shattering importance, and certainly won't be funny to anyone other than the five people who contribute to the stupid thing.

It was Steve's idea. And he's going to be providing updates on our current UK tour which has recently got under way. But will probably mainly just write about what we've had to eat, and what we listened to in the car.

It's the little things that count.