Ask Voix

appreciator uncertainty

2006-12-18T18:16:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,

How does one underappreciated teacher (teacher A) show appreciation for another underappreciated teacher (teacher B) without it appearing to be disingenuous when the appreciation of A toward B is shown only subsequent to B's appreciation of A?

Sincerely appreciating you back,

Jim

Dear Jim,

I love blue cheese, have I mentioned that? Thanks for taking a moment to write in. I think that the best way for Teacher A to show appreciation to Teacher B is to offer some sort of ego-stroking indulgence that might make Teacher B giggle, clap her hands, and twirl in her chair. If Teacher B happens to have an online advice column, you could write her a letter wherein your sincerity and charm radiate from every sentence.

If that doesn't work, dark chocolate is the next best option.

Hugs and Merry Christmas!

Voix.

To kosher or not to kosher. . .

2006-12-14T06:17:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,

I've been seeing a nice Jewish boy since August. I, myself, am what they commonly call a "Gentile," though in this case "Non-Jew" fits the bill. So it was difficult enough in late summer to hold my tongue when what I wanted to say was, "MMmmmm...Wouldn't a BLT be perfect right about now?" But here we are in December, and I am drawn to advent calendars and the sparkliest of all the poinsettias. So far I've shown great restraint in not singing "O Little Town of Bethlehem" whenever I damn well please. But with Hanukkah and Christmas coming up, I'm terribly confused. I have one very nice gift for the man and his 12-year-old son, but when is it appropriate to give it? Do I send a generic holiday card? A generic one? New Year's? No -- definitely not new Year's, as Jan. 1st is not the "new year" for him or any other observant Jew. But, c'mon...I'm sure I don't send a Hanukkah card, right? I mean, when was the last time your Jewish friends mailed you a Christmas card?!? Please, Voix. Give me some guidance about how to proceed through the rest of December. Just one more glass of holiday cheer, and I'll be washing down a nice rack of lamb with some delicious eggnog (definitely not kosher! but at least it's organic??), then breaking into carols and asking where he hid the mistletoe. Do help!!

Yours in Jewbilation

Oh my dearest Jewbilator,

This really is quite a conundrum, isn't it? Good heavens, did you know he kept kosher when you met him? To be really honest, my only experience with kosher foods are the pickles that they sell in the refrigerator section so this whole eggnog and lamb thing is kind of confusing to me. But it's no meat and dairy at the same time, right? Here's my solution to that -- load up the eggnog with so much brandy and nutmeg that it doesn't look like a dairy product anymore and drink it out of a travel mug.

First things first. Since Voix does have a certain amount of experience being exposed to non-Catholic peeps, I can assure you that the Hannukah thing sounds kinda fun -- according to one of my students, it's better than Christmas because they get presents for EIGHT days instead of just one. Did you ask him if you could celebrate it with him as well as Christmas? (Where that 12 days of Christmas thing went, I have NO idea. Seriously, we're being cheated with only one day of Christmas. Not like pear trees even grow in Minnesota or that I'd to feed all those leaping lords or anything, but still. If there are more presents to be had, Voix says BRING IT!)

Here are a few other things to consider:

Do not put his menorah UNDER your Christmas tree. That would be bad.
Don't write your Christmas cards at his house.
Instead of a card, send a photo that says, "Since I don't know what to wish you, I'll just say: You're hot! So am I . . . under this red wool sweater for you! Anything you can do about that big guy?
Keep your presents for him and his son for the last day of Hannukah. Don't wrap them in reindeer paper.
Don't give him the Frank Sinatra Christmas album.
Be grateful he isn't a vegetarian?
Take him to see Borat. You'll seem really sensitive then.
If you're totally into this guy, consider learning Hebrew and converting to Judaism. De-Gentile yourself with Sarah and David! Hebrew is HOT!!!

Good luck and Merry Christmas!

observing romantic entanglements

2006-05-25T20:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Voix,

What to do if friends are getting into an entanglement? Two friends, married to others, getting cozy. Both are having bumpy relationships right now. People in our circle of friends are commenting on their chumminess and most assume they are having an affair. One of them is a closer friend than the other, so I brought up my concerns and mentioned the gossip going around. That person told me it's all innocent, a crush, and it's nobody's business anyway. I know they have been spending time alone together, and it's hard to miss the closeness they share, the little looks and body language.

Am I pathetically naive for mostly believing that nothing physical is going on because they told me so? Does it make me a bad friend because the things that bother me the most about it are: 1) being taken for a sucker for believing them and 2) possibly being used as an alibi when they get together? Does 'nobody's business' include me? It's affecting my enjoyment of time with these friends and my trust level.

The main question: Should I talk to my friend about this again or butt out?

--Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Dear Perplexed --

It's always tough to see people you love make decisions that you might not necessarily make yourself. It sounds to me like you're being a really good friend in the way that you care about the gossip flying around and how your circle of friends might be affected by even the perception of infidelity.

You say that your friend told you there is nothing going on and it's "nobody's business anyway" -- that sounds a little defensive from someone who isn't doing anything wrong. What stands out to me is that 1) innocent, 2) crush, and 3) none of your business are three totally different things. Why does this person need to make three excuses if there isn't anything going on?

As someone who lived in a long term relationship for almost seven years, I can tell you that the idea of hanging out with someone who isn't the significant other can be very tempting. Someone who is friendly and pays attention and lets you vent about a bad decision that your spouse might have made? Solid gold. But not necessarily a healthy indulgence. Kinda like too much cheesecake. Relationships take work and they can be pretty stressful. Shit, LIFE is stressful, and that takes a toll on everything. At the same time, marriage is a promise -- when you say you will to spend the rest of your life with someone, it's best that you mean it. And that means continuing to go home to your spouse instead of developing relationships that are hazardous to your marriage. And if you get to the point where you've changed your mind about that promise you made, you should be honest with your spouse right away and not dodge around or entangle yourself in a back up plan for when things don't work out the way you planned.

Enough soapbox. What is most important here is that you suspect that your friend is being dishonest with you. That means s/he is a bad friend, not you. You are expressing concern for the well being of the entire circle of friends and that is good. It means you care.

Whether or not you should talk to your friend again or butt out? That is tough. If it were me, I'd butt out and let them make their own mistakes. A few more questions to consider: Are these people the friends that you thought they were? What are you getting out of your friendship with them when you distrust their behavior? Does it matter to you if they do have an affair?

It is really tough not to take sides, but it's the stance I recommend. But be careful of your own feelings -- only offer what you're being given fair trade for. Love for love, hope for hope and friendship for friendship. And make it very clear that you don't want to be used as someone's alibi without your permission, because that is Just Plain Tacky. And if you haven't learned anything yet, Perplexed, you should KNOW by now that Voix hates tacky.

Good luck!

*mwah*

Voix.

black outs = bad.

2006-05-11T18:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Voix,

I have a friend who might be turning into an alcoholic. I haven't spent so much time around alcoholics, so I don't really know. I do know it runs in his family. When we hang out, we'll have a few drinks and sometimes get tipsy, but I've spent a fair bit of time with him and first hand, have never seen anything alarming.

However, he drinks at kind of random times (drank several beers once before we were going to a movie. Hello.), he says he drinks much more heavily when he's Out With the Guys. Here's what's bugging me: Last week he said that he gets blindly drunk--drunk enough that he blacks out--3 or 4 times per week. Every week. Additionally, he says he drinks at least some, about 3 or so, every day.

A few questions: Is it possible for him to be an alcoholic if sometimes he can stop after just a couple? And if he isn't exhibiting other addict-like behaviors?

And what, if anything, can I do to help this person I care about, especially if he is not yet a total lost cause and still pretty functional? Can I do this without annoying the shit out of him and driving him away?

Am I being a paranoid, or does this sound like an actual issue?

Thanks from,

Who-the-hell-blacks-out-3-times-a-week-anyway

Dear Who-the-hell,

Voix really wishes that she didn't have any expertise to answer this question, but yeah -- this is some serious shit. You're totally right to be concerned. But first off, I want to make sure that everyone reading knows that my knowledge about alcoholism comes from living with an alcoholic for seven years and doing everything I could to help -- I'm not a doctor and the opinions that I express here are anecdotal evidence based only on my experiences and what I learned in the research I did on my own.

Let's talk first about what alarming might be -- I'm going to guess that he hasn't gotten into a brawl, driven off a cliff while drunk, or beaten any girls, right? That is what I would call really alarming -- but basically, we can assume that he's not a violent guy. That is good. But it doesn't necessarily mean that his behavior isn't something to be concerned about.

Here's the information that is alarming to me: He drinks daily. He drinks at times that aren't "social drinking times" and drinks himself to sleep most nights. My first response is this: Drinking every day is a clear sign that your friend feels he needs to drink to feel normal. In 12 step circles, they call that a "maintenance drinker." Maintenance drinking is bad, because the drinker is constantly pushing his body's detoxification processes to their limits and he's putting undue stress on his liver, not to mention his brain. Brains need lots of water to function properly and too much alcohol starts to screw up the way your synapses fire. Maintenance drinking also leads to a very strong psychological addiction to alcohol. Human bodies build up a tolerance for alcohol very quickly, so where he might have had one drink per day last year, now he's up to three. Physically, at this point, I'm guessing that he has some serious cravings for a drink around a certain time of day, and that is getting earlier and earlier, too. This kind of drinking can go on for a really long time before friends or family can see that there is a problem, and he may have underestimated to you how much he drinks on a daily basis.

Drinking until he blacks out -- do you mean until he falls asleep or that he has blackouts? I'm assuming that you mean he falls asleep. A blackout is a very scary thing, and it's a little more serious. It's when someone drinks so much that he stays awake and acts crazy, passes out, then wakes up the next day and can't remember what happened during any of the time he was drinking the night before. Blackouts are a symptom of alcoholism, definitely -- one where the person who is not the alcoholic should be particularly cautious for irregular behavior and watch her ass.

Is it possible that your friend is not an alcoholic? Of course. Anything is possible. I might get down to a size six again, too. Being able to stop after a couple of drinks some of the time and not all of the time means that he is losing control when he drinks. Losing control while drinking is bad. In AA, the general wisdom is this: only the person doing the drinking can determine if there is a problem. They have a cool little quiz on their website that might help him decide if he should talk to someone or maybe go to a meeting. He is the only person who can determine whether or not he's an alcoholic and whether or not he should stop drinking.

But from the information that you've given me, I'd say he's got a drinking problem. A serious one. Other addict-like behaviors, like bigger lies, borrowing money that can't be repaid, falling through on committments, drunk driving, and even theft could be years away or right around the corner. It is impossible to say, really, but the natural progression of the disease is predictable in its manifestation. You can't unpickle a cucumber, you know? Once a drinker starts to lose control of how much he consumes, he can't get that control back. As the drinking continues, he'll lose control more and more often. And as his tolerance goes up, he'll need more alcohol on a daily basis to function. Then he'll start running out of money to drink faster and . . . well, you get the picture.

Since he's still "pretty functional" and not a total lost cause, he may feel that he doesn't have a problem at all, but that doesn't mean that you can't express your concern. At the same time, it's good that you're skeptical about how much influence you can have in his decision to either stop drinking or continue. Here's what I suggest: Say to him, "Hey friend. I love you and I'm worried about how much you are drinking all the time. If you ever need to talk about it, I am here. I would love to help."

And that is it. That much isn't annoying or bothersome, but will let him know that his behavior isn't going unnoticed. If he's already worried, it might give him the nudge he needs to seek help. If not, it might just get filed away in his memory banks for later. If he wants to talk about it, you can be there and listen. If he wants to go to an AA meeting or get info on a treatment center, you can drive him there. But until he asks for that help, those efforts are only going to chase him away.

The question I have for you is this: Since you're worried about driving him away, I'm assuming you are getting something out of this relationship -- friendship, companionship, entertainment, love -- what is it? Chances are that your friend is on a bullet train to self-destruction land. How interested are you in joining him? I hope I don't sound too pedantic in pointing out that at least this is a guy you don't want to lend money to or rely on during emergency situations.

It is really painful to watch someone hurt themselves with an addiction, but that person is the only one who can make the choice not to pick up another drink. When, where, and how that choice is made is not predictable -- and often it happens when he winds up in a crisis situation and unable to lie to himself about the damage he's inflicting on himself and others. In AA, they call that "hitting bottom" and it often coincides with some sort of "I've screwed my life up so badly I don't recognize myself anymore" ah-ha moment.

Alcoholism is a terrible disease that damages not only the life of the drinker but the lives of his family and friends. I am terribly sorry for the grief this is causing you and hope that your love and loyalty to your friend do not bring forward additional hurts. If you feel like you need more information or you want talk to someone about your specific situation, you can go to the Al-Anon website or call 888-425-2666 at any time. Al-Anon offers support group meetings for family and friends who are concerned with someone else's drinking. Those meetings are all over the place, free, and tend to be very friendly. The people at the meeting are not professionals and they will not tell you how to solve your problems, but you'll leave feeling a little bit better than you did when you got there.

Good luck, Who-the-hell. This is a tough one, and it won't get any easier. I wish I had better news to report.

*mwah* and the biggest bear hug you ever got from a total stranger because this really, really sucks and don't I know it.

Voix.

** For anyone who is worried about his or her own drinking, there is a bunch of good information on the Alcoholics Anonymous website. You can find a meeting to attend or a phone number to call for your area. Voix most certainly promises that you will not get a Come to Jesus meeting on the phone if you call. Seriously.**

fraternal frustration

2006-04-20T15:11:00.000-05:00

Oh dearest of Voixlings, did you know that Voix has a set of Canadian Compatriots in free advice land? One of the Useless Men from the blog of the same name has sent yours truly a question! Before I even address said anxiety, I wish to grant a deep bow to my more northerly brothers in busy-body-ness. Their blog is simply divine. I could only hope to lend advice as delightfully fun, tongue-in-cheek, and useless as they do. I have blogrolled them at the Château so that I might tutelage myself at their hairy, stinky man feet.

So without further ado:

Dear Voix,

I have an advice column of my own, and I recently introduced a new contributor. However, after a few questions, I feel he isn't up to par with the answers he submits. How can I gently let him know he's fired? Did I mention he is my brother?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

Dear One Useless Man,

It is very kind of you to ask. Voix is just fanning herself with joy and pride that you've sent a question her way. It takes a lot to make me blush, you know. Good on you!

So while you acknowledge that your brother is useless like you, you gave him a job anyway? Good thing you live in Canada and not in France, or you'd be totally up a creek without a paddle. They get really testy about people getting fired over there.

I'm glad that you want to fire your brother gently. He looks like the sensitive type with those braids, you know? And you wouldn't want to spoil Christmas. Here are a few possibilities to get the Useless Brother off your blog.

"Accidentally" delete his account access to your blog and his previous posts. Blame the disappearance on the internet gods of good taste. Then, take him to a bar, get him drunk,and act as though you can't get the blog to give him access again. Get him to confess over deep fried potato skins and shots of Root Beer Schnapps that he didn't like blogging anyway.
Send him a question that is very serious and depressing, like something from Dear Abby about a dog with cancer and a four year old who won't come out from under his bed. When he tries to write a funny answer, act very disappointed in him for not being more sensitive to your readers' needs, so he's fired.
Tell him you're going to start a new blog called, "The Blog of Brothers" and you'd rather have him direct his energies towards that project instead. Allow him to post photos of pretty girls with red hair and big boobs.
Have one of those tiki torch meetings in your nearest neighborhood park and vote him off the blog.
Send him here and let me tell him:
"Useless Brother? You look totally hot with those braids. You're fired because we said so. It's not you, it's us. Please don't take this personally, but we don't want you to write for the Useless Blog anymore. We love you, darling, and will find pretty girls who smell good to cover your face with kisses as soon as we know there's no hard feelings."

Good luck, One Useless Man. Hope he doesn't put sugar in your gas tank or anything. But you guys are Canadians, and therefore probably much less prone to violence than your more southerly brethren. Go Canada!

*mwah*

--Voix

internet etiquette

2006-03-15T22:03:00.000-06:00

dear voix,
much has been discussed about what kind of information one should post about themselves on their blog. i would like to know what to do when you google your own name and find yourself in someone (from your distant past- we're talking 20 years here, people) elses blog. first name, last name, address and some references to your poetry which the blogger obviously thought you'd never come across (or your customers or your children). what do you do then? at first i plotted vengeance but i am not very imaginative. still, shouldn't i do something?
thank you,
cathleen

Wow, Cathleen, that really sucks. If I were to run across a similar situation, several possible vengeances would come to mind. For example:

Purchasing the internet domain name www.JaneDoeIsAnEvilBitch.com (where Jane Doe is the name of the perpetrator), filling the site with humiliating stories about how her, then sending the link to everyone you know and posting it on Classmates.com.
Creating a voodoo doll with her likeness and duct taping said doll to the hood of a pickup carrying gardeners through rush hour traffic in Los Angeles every day for a month. (Rush hour traffic in Los Angeles doesn't actually have a start and end time, it's just always there. Dante's next level of hell, you know.)
Buying a goldfish at Wal-Mart and giving it her name. You can sit content knowing that "Jane Doe" will have a short and meaningless life.

Just for example. I'm not so much suggesting harm or libel, you know. That would be tacky, and Voix is most definitely not tacky. At the same time, Voix does like to fantasize about bad things happening to bad people, and this certainly seems to qualify.

I'm assuming the perpetrator is a woman, by the way. Apologies if it's a man -- you might need to take a different approach.

Bon. So in lieu of sitting on your couch and eating a whole bag of Pepperidge Farm Mint Brussels cookies to console yourself, it might feel good to take an action. This blogger can write what she will about you, but shouldn't be publishing your full name and address online. That just isn't safe.

In addition to fantasizing about multiple public humiliations and praying that she soon be the victim of a very bad spiral perm, I would send an email to her asking that the sensitive information be removed. If necessary, mention that you've consulted a lawyer and that because of privacy laws, she doesn't have the right to make your info public. (Most people fold right away when they hear the word lawyer. Voix considers this an acceptable amount of fibbing. Voix will go to confession for this, of course. In addition, Voix recommends that you double check this assumption -- or maybe her faithful reader who happens to be a lawyer will step up and send her an email if she's totally full of shit. It'll take an extra glass of Vouvray to get over THAT particular deception, but whatever.)

While annoying, her posting comments about your poetry is not illegal. Sounds like Jane Doe is a really spiteful, mean and wicked person. If she thinks it's funny to mock you 20 years past your relationship, she's also in DIRE need of a great big glass of get over yourself. Keep your message to her short and to the point. Don't rant and don't tell her what you think about her. If you make her mad, she'll just write more bad things about you and that is what you want to avoid.

Here's an example:

Dear Jane Doe,

I have discovered my full name and address and references to some of my old poetry on your blog post dated XX-XX-XXXX. This post puts my reputation, my personal safety, and my business in jeopardy. For whatever reason you find it necessary to discuss my poetry from twenty years ago, I am certain you are not intending to harm me directly. Please delete my personal information from your blog right away.

Thank you, Cathleen.

(Voix recommends using capital letters at the beginning of sentences, too. It's more professional.)

Leave out all the "You suck rocks." and the "How could you do this to me?" and the "I hate you more than black licorice." It isn't necessary.

If you don't get a response or she says something like, "Hell no, bitch, I still have a grudge about the time you stole my hot punk rock boyfriend with the righteous blue mohawk in the 11th grade?" You might have to take legal action. But in my experience, most people will have the grace to fold when they know they're caught being naughty.

Good luck!

Voix.

history/techonolgy fusion question

2006-03-12T21:41:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,

What would be different if Harold had won at Hastings?
And as a follow up, And how does technorati work?

Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,

If Harold had won at Hastings, the Bayeux Tapestry would be hanging in London and have a different ending. Oh - wait - The Bayeux Tapestry doesn't have an ending. It got lost somewhere. I think the Vikings would have kicked Harold's ass if William had failed.

Technorati is a search engine just like Google, except it just does blogs. It's also a promotion tool. Click here for the homepage. Depending on how fancy you want to get, it's got some cool features.

1) You can type your blog address in the search bar and it'll tell you which blogs are linked to your site.

2) You can put "tags" of html code that add a keyword to your blog entries and help people doing keyword searches to find your posts.

3) You can do keyword searches and find out who is writing about what at any given time.

To make sure that your blog gets into the hopper, click on your blogger publishing settings tab and make sure you've turned on your atom feed and that you're set to "notify weblogs.com"

Blogger is fantastic in that all the rest is automatic now.

Sorry to not have a clever-er retort about Harold. I liked William better, even though he was a scoundrel.

Read some Tolkien to console yourself about how the French ruined another good thing.

*mwah*

Voix

literarily inclined

2006-03-01T17:51:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,
How much of one's true self should one share on one's blog? What, if any, are the guidelines for determining one's comfort level either with unvarnished honesty/soul baring or brazen fictionalizing of one's experience? Also, how do you become a writer? Do you just write what you like to write? Any special qualifications? Any advice appreciated.

Yours Truly,

Anonymous

Oh Anon,

I'm so glad you're reading. It's been awfully lonely here lately. Have you noticed the cricket song hovering in the background? Judging by all these empty bottles of Vouvray lying around, I've been alone for nearly a week! Let me shake off the woozies and give you an Honest to Voix opinion about blogging.

1) How much of the "true self" do you share? That is totally up to you. Imagine it this way. Say for example you pick your nose and you find it very satisfying, especially when the air has been dry and you've got a snoot full of crusty boogers to excavate. You have such a pleasant booger removal experience one fine day that you decide to craft a blog post about it and tell the world of your joy. Your writing sparkles. You find poetry in the keyboard as you clickety clack away about your greatest pleasure. You craft a fine post and hit publish. Your readers show up. They say, "Boogers? Ewww!" (Of course, there would be a few people to say, "Yeah! Me too!") And all of a sudden, you are forever and anon "The Booger Blogger." Is that what you want? Maybe not so much.

General blogging rule of thumb: If you're uncomfortable with a total stranger walking up to you and asking you something about yourself that you wrote on your blog, don't post it. In my experience, however, people are pretty respectful about emotional stuff because they know what it's like to be in pain. Only the jerks will bother you, and there aren't too many of them around.

2) As far as unvarnished honesty/soul baring or brazen fictionalizing of one's experience? Voix believes you need to splash around and find out for yourself. At Voix de Michèle, many things are laid bare. Michèle is actually a terrible liar and we often find her quivery and pathetic until she's been doused with a large goblet of Vouvray. (Incidentally, Voix believes that any REAL wine glass should be able to hold at least a third of the bottle. Just so you know, for Christmas and all.) Captain Geoff, on the other hand, has no problem letting his writing become apocalyptic and terrifying despite what his friends might worry about him. And that variety is just a tiny little piece of the spectrum.

Another guideline: Pick a strategy and stick with it until you're bored. Then pick a different one. Experiment until you find something that entertains you and that will probably entertain a few readers, as well.

3) How do you become a writer? For this question, there is only one truth. You become a writer by writing a lot. As much as you can. Every day is best. Reading helps, too.

4) Do you just write what you like to write? Voix does, yes. So does Michèle. After 5 years of writing almost every day and more than a year of blogging, she's starting to consider the market, but only a little bit. Your insides know what you want to write, even if your head doesn't. Your head will tell you that you can't write. Learning to ignore your head helps to focus the writing you do. Michèle's head often argues with her insides, actually. It's quite an entertaining show.

5) Any special qualifications? Tenacity. Passion. Guts. Effort.

Voix is most grateful for your question and hopes to goodness that she doesn't have to wait another very long time for the next. She is contemplating, however, the new Reidel wine glasses from Target into which she could peer when that next case of Vouvray makes it here from Haskell's.

*mwah*

--Voix.

sigh

2006-02-26T20:06:00.000-06:00

"The advice business has been slow lately," she lilted with a half-pout on her lips. "Maybe it's time for me to retire the column and settle in on the couch with a gallon-sized glass of Vouvray. My true talents will never be appreciated if people don't Need me."

to all of my Voixlings

2006-02-16T14:08:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,

I think I know you and where you work. I think your blog is rock-pants awesome and I'd love to talk to you about it in real life. And can I borrow your slang dictionary to learn some dirty words in French?

Insolently yours,
Monsieur Mischief

Ah yes, the few Voixlings who know me in my *ahem* real life where I am doing my job that feeds me and pays my rent. I would just like to say that "Ask Voix" is a fee-free service and does not, in any way, replace my real job. Lots of people have hobbies. Mine is writing. I've kept it no secret. But I do need my day job. I like my day job. And I don't want my blogging to interfere with that.

I can imagine some dear Voixlings becoming fascinated by the fact that someone that they know in their quotidian existence might have such an epic and inestimable impact on the lives of others through a blog. I can imagine the word of Voix's advice blog traveling through the commons like wildfire. I, of course, am convinced (and consequently flattered) you think I'm that interesting. I imagine you're all riveted by details of my personal life, because so often "les grandes personnes" are boring, flat, and otherwise completely unavailable.

Please, I beg of you -- contain your enthusiasm.

It's just a blog. Voix is a character wittily manufactured from the mind of a woman who wears scarves all the time and has a bizarre fascination with conjugating French verbs. (No, I'm not sure that wittily is actually a word, but roll with me, OK?)

Everyone is welcome to read. This is the internet, after all. If you like my sense of humor and you want to splash around in this knee deep kiddie pool with me, have at it. Even feel free to send me a question or two, from your real name so I know who you are. If you're feeling risky, that is. It might be kind of fun!

But I want to make it clear that the character on these pages (and on the pages of my full time blog) is not the same lady you might see out in the world.

My writing here in blog land is for entertainment. My slang dictionary is for use in the classroom.

Hogs in Quiches to you all,

Voix

running out of rocks to turn over

2006-02-15T20:44:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,
I made it through V-Day with nary a blink. Didn't care, didn't notice much. OK, I had 2 cupcakes, but otherwise it really didn't destroy me. But here's the thing - where are all the men? Forget the bars, tired of liars and creeps on-line, church basement didn't really work for me either. I do actually leave my house and do normal things more dressed up and smiley than I want to be... but I'm not "accidently" running into Mr. Wonderful and I'm starting to believe that people I know are out of people to set me up with. So what now? Where are the other rocks to look under?

Don't say hobbies. I'm hobbied up the wazoo.
Thanks,
A little loney and a lot bored.

Oh, lonely and bored, you're doing a lot better than I am. It took me eight pieces of chocolate, a piece of cake, and a beer after class to get my head together after my trip to lonely land.

Let me tell you -- if I knew where to find the men, I wouldn't have time for an advice blog.

But here's the deal. If you want to meet men, you have to hang out where they do. I'd recommend avoiding the bars, but there are lots of very active boys who do things like cycling clubs, outdoorsy stuff, and the like -- if you'd like to try physical activities instead of "hobbies with the girls" you might have some success.

I have this little Voix-based theory, though. I believe that God (or fate or karma or whatever) puts people in our lives for a reason. If it feels like something is missing, that's an opportunity to do some seeking and force yourself to think differently about what you want. It's an opportunity to force yourself to do the thing you've always been dreading.

What are you avoiding, lonely? I'm avoiding my grief about alchoholism. It's a big mama concern that is taking up all of the space in my heart for someone new.

A possible reason for not having a signif is that deep down, you don't really want one. But that's something to bring to your therapist, not Voix. I'm not saying that is always the case or for sure the case, but it's something to journal about while you're waiting for the hot guy at the coffee shop to notice how hot you are.

In the mean time, get lots of exercize and go to one of those home parties that sells toys. You know, TOYS. Love your body. Wear your tiara. Refuse to apologize. Write a list of all the qualities you want your ideal man to have. Embrace your hobbies and try to get better at them. (Join a writer's group. I know you want to.)

Things always look better when you're not feeling starved for attention and anxious about being alone for the rest of your life.

Good luck, sweetie. Voix loves you.

free press

2006-02-15T20:35:00.000-06:00

So, after quite some time of riots and whatnot over some cartoons, I am shocked that the U.S. has not widely published the sorce of all the hubbub. for all our prattle about free press, we are still out done by the Danish (who first printed them) and the French (who reprinted them). As you have experience with these kinds of things thell me, do the French media have more balls than ours?
All the Best,
Can O' Gulle

Hey there,

First I have to tell you that I'm having a hard time with your name. . . Is it a real name or one of those plays on words that I can never figure out? If this is a test, I'll be the first one to confess that I don't get it and I fail. Never been good with plays on words.

Bon. On to your question: Do the French media have more balls than the American media?

Short version: Hell yeah, they do.

Longer version: The French even have the guts to publish newspapers that have an obvious political slant -- leftist, conservative, green, communist, etc. . . I have been buried in my homework for the past few weeks, but have heard that the French reprinted the cartoons and had a whole other brouhaha happen this week. Just because they've got more balls doesn't necessarily make them smarter, though.

America -- why haven't we published the cartoons? Because we are busy trying to be super-sensitive and make sure we don't repeat 9/11? That is my best guess. But if we were really worried about not pissing off the Muslims, we wouldn't be in Iraq, now, would we?

Voix will stop there, because this is not a political blog.

Go France. Go America. Go tight-assed numbskulls learning how to take a fucking joke. If Voix got to start a fucking riot every time someone bashed a Catholic, she'd be in jail for a really long time. I'm just sayin.

dealin with the bad ones

2006-02-11T07:52:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,
I'm also a teacher, though I'm fairly new to the game. The educational element hasn't been all that challenging, but I'm having problems with discipline. Do you have any creative tactics of your own for dealing with unruly students? (I teach math)
Thanks!

Hey Math guy,

First of all, let me just say that you're incredibly lucky to be a Math teacher. You will have a job for the rest of your life and never have to worry about job security like us artsy fartsy language people.

Bon. I'm guessing that you're a first year teacher? It's totally normal that you're feeling the pressure around discipline issues. I don't know how old you are and whether or not this is your first career -- so you'll forgive me if my assumptions are incorrect -- but are you also on the young-looking side? Do you teach high school or middle school? Since I'm a high school teacher, I'll tackle your question from that point of view.

First things first. Here are the important things to remember about high school kids.

They have more time to figure out how to mess with you than you have time to figure out how to deal with their shenanigans.
They will respect you when you give them a reason to respect you.
They don't like being treated like they're children.
They're excellent bullshit artists. They will lie to you.
They have amazing bullshit detectors, as well. Don't lie to them.
A fun game for HS students is to figure out just how far they can push a teacher to indulge them. They know what they should and shouldn't be able to get away with, but if a teacher gives in on one thing, they're likely to keep trying for more. Example: Can we have a free day? Can we watch a movie? Is there any extra credit? blah blah blah. Give an inch and they'll take a mile -- and they'll lose respect for you in the process.

As a new teacher, you develop a reputation in your school as soon as you walk in the door. Kids will talk to each other about what you're like and they'll judge you harshly. They're kids, that is what they do. Don't you remember all the stories about the teachers when you were in school? Yeah, it's still happening. Don't let it faze you.

In my classes, I earn the respect of my students by being honest with them and letting them know that I am absolutely and most completely in charge. Even the most hoodlum of the hoodlums will toe the line if there is mutual respect and an understanding that you won't let them push you around. I don't back down from disrespectful behavior and use my school's administration and parent involvement when a student gets out of line. I've worked with a lot of "bad kids" as an urban educator, and honestly -- once they know you are there to do your job and not get into a pissing contest, you're in the clear. I haven't had to kick a kid out of my room in the last two years, so I believe that I must be doing something right.

Talk to other teachers in your building. Spend your prep hour watching how others operate in their classrooms. Ask other teachers to observe you in your room and listen to their feedback.

If none of that works, threaten to hang the kids from the roof by their ankles until they learn to behave.

Good luck!

Voix, master teacher extraordinaire.

we, the under appreciated

2006-02-07T21:56:00.000-06:00

In light of the current political and economic situation in the US, do you think a gradual progression away from capitalism toward a more efficient economic system is possible? If so, how?

-A distressed member of the 99% that possess 1%

Oh distressed, I wish there were some way I could calm the internal storms that plague your heart.

Have I ever mentioned how talk of politics makes me kinda itch? Economics, too? In one question? Wow. You must think I'm one of those really smart people who can tackle all kinds of things without smudging her mascara or ruffling a single feather. Thank you for the implied compliment in your question.

(I'm an optimist, I can see compliments anywhere. Just so you know.)

So. Here are the assumptions I'm gonna make about your question since you're the first person to send me a question that I don't actually know in real life and we haven't had an offline conversation about this topic. If any of my assumptions are incorrect, my argument will be totally lame and you have the right to link to this blog and say that I'm totally full of it, OK? No hate mail, though, because hate mail is tacky.

You are not content with the current political situation in the US of A.
You are not content with the current economic situation in the US of A.
You think capitalism is inefficient because there are so few people with so much money in the US of A.

Hmm. I am not particularly content with the political or economic system in this country, either, but I'm not a political blogger and will happily leave the rightness and wrongness of things to other's discussions.

Can America gradually move away from capitalism to a more efficient system?

In short, no.

In long -- I believe that capitalism is a very efficient system that has been totally dominated by the privileged since day one here in our country. Whites came, saw, conquered and have continued to conquer -- but since we're founded on the ideas of a democracy we still teach people that everyone is equal.

We might all have equal rights in this country when it comes to the right to vote (unless you don't have an address and unless you aren't a felon or unless you aren't an immigrant or unless you aren't mentally challenged), but let me tell you something -- everything else depends on economics. If you're not at least a reasonably well-educated middle class someone, you have practically no say in the way of things. Working poor? Totally screwed. Working poor and a minority? You're lucky if you don't get thrown in jail, hooked on drugs, or mugged on the bus.

Can the USA move towards a system that doesn't have a direct path for all the "cream to rise to the top?" Possibly, but I don't think it wants one. Even if you're a literate, intelligent, able-minded member of the working middle class like Voix herself, you don't have much of a shot to change the state of things in this country.

Capitalism isn't evil. It's a system that needs to be operated within and necessarily has people that will win and people that will lose. In the US, you can still "make dreams come true" with a lot of hard work and a lot of luck. But that doesn't mean that everyone who works hard will be successful. Miracles don't happen often, but they can still happen. You can't say that about everywhere in the world. I wouldn't choose to live in another country. We've got it great here, despite all of the injustices that exist.

Privilege exists everywhere. People like us can't do anything about it. And in my opinion, why would we want to? It's a waste of our meager resources.

Distressed, my question is this: Are you content with your position in this country? Are you working as hard as you can to be content? Do you feel a sense of entitlement about what you deserve as an American? If you could change anything about this country, what would it be?

America doesn't need a new economic system. What it needs is for every citizen to act like a citizen and engage in a deep self-reflection about what that means. If everyone were truly participating in our political process, we might have different results. As it is, many people are apt to blame the system for their problems without taking responsibility for their part in their situation. I'm not saying bad things don't happen. I'm not saying that our system is awesome. But having lived through a financial crisis that I believed would be the end of my life forever, getting to the other side, and making a new life for myself -- I have to believe that for many of us, there is hope. There is contentment. There is acceptance.

There's nothing wrong with being a little fish in the big pond. But if you want to grow into a bigger fish, no one is gonna do it for you. So what are you waiting for? If anything, the work will be satisfying and you'll grow for making an effort on your own behalf. Worse things have happened.

Good luck.

holier than thou

2006-02-06T15:11:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,

In this age of zealous evangelizing is it possible to claim that an agnostic or atheist who does good deeds for good alone, without expectation of reward is more logically altruistic (from the point of the atheist) or closer to god (from the point of the Christian) than the Christian who does good deeds with the expectation or hope that they may enter the kingdom of heaven?

Signed, a godless liberal

Dear godless one,

Everyone who does a good deed gets a reward.

In this age of zealous evangelizing, it is possible to claim just about anything. That's how it is possible for us to know that the zealots haven't been swept away to God's kingdom yet. All those things out there in the world that don't make sense? Zealots are responsible.

I don't care if it's a Christian zealot or a Muslim zealot or a Jewish zealot or an atheist zealot -- someone who does good deeds is good. The existentialists claim that man is the sum of his actions, and I happen to have no small dose of Sartre thoughts burbling in my small mind at any given time.

Good for good's sake doesn't exist. If the Christian or atheist or whomever is doing good for good's sake, he has learned at some point that this "good-doing" has value. His action is giving him an internal satisfaction: I have done the "right thing" and I am a good person.

The Christian who does a good thing because it is "Christ's work" is following the same process: I have done the "right thing" and people who do the right thing are rewarded in the kingdom of heaven.

What is a good deed? Is it selflessness? Generosity? Kindness? Sincerity, gentleness, patience? Herein lies the answer to your question.

Doing something nice for someone, making a sacrifice, giving money to charity, and all that jazz -- these are what keep our society functioning. Therein lies the reward. Regardless of whether or not a person believes in Jesus or participates in "good for good's sake" or wants any kind of reward, he receives one by maintaining the status quo and fulfilling his own self-definition.

"I am a good person because I do good things."

Who doesn't want to say that? Even if the good things one does aren't for any particular gain, the do-gooder gets something back in return. Affirmation of self-image, the chance to perhaps brag a little bit, maintenance of the status quo, and warm fuzzy chemicals that perkolate through the body when there is something to be proud of.

Doing good is its own reward. It doesn't matter if you say you're not expecting something in return -- you're getting it anyway.

So says Voix.

damned if you do, damned if you don't

2006-02-04T12:07:00.000-06:00

Tell me this, Voix: Lets say you need a job and two options come up.

One option is for you to take a job with moderately challenging content that you sort of enjoy, but the company its with isn't an interesting industry to you. It would pay fairly. The business does good things for the world, but the field of industry disinterest you entirely. You value working at a place where you're committed to the cause and are making a difference in a way that is meaningful to you.

Your second option is a position you've done before and are tired of. The content bores the crap out of you. The pay stinks. But the company is wonderful. They do great things for the world, you're committed to their cause. Contributing to this industry makes you feel happy and good. And you'd love a different position in this field, but this job isn't it. it is, however, the only position available.

Lets also say that no matter what, you're only going to be working at this place 1 year, 2 years max.

Lastly, getting a job you love at a place you love hasn't worked out even though you've tried for ages--and now you just need SOMETHING. You can't wait around anymore. You know you need to take one of these for now.

What would you do?

--Cornered.

Dear Cornered,

Here's the deal. Everyone eventually has to decide what they want to be when they grow up. If you're only looking for something to last for a year or two, that isn't the question here. I think the subtext of your situation didn't make it into your question -- using my magical Voix mind reading powers, I detect that you're also a full time graduate student! Am I right?

I know, I am good. Thanks.

You have to work. You need to be comfortable, able to do fancy things like eat and pay your rent and go out for a beer every once and a while, right? You're old enough to have work experience that shows you know your stuff. At this point, your primary goal is to get the Master's degree under your belt and not go insane while doing it.

Pick the job that pays you enough to get by comfortably and don't worry about things like interest in the industry and changing the world. You can worry about changing the world when you don't have so many things on your plate. The world will still have problems when you're done with your degree. These are not your problems right now.

Give yourself permission to take option one -- you don't have to love your job. You have to not hate it. And the better it pays, the more comfortable you'll be as you drag your way through a very rigorous workout at your university. If it's a job you don't have to bring home, all the better.

You're not in a corner, actually. You're trying to do too much at once.

If you feel the need for more stress in your life, I could interest you in perhaps a home sales project I've been working on?

--Voix.

hair help

2006-02-04T12:01:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,
Should I grow out my bangs?
Love, Jessi

Dear Jessi,

Absolutely. Bangs are annoying and require the use of heat charged implements like hair dryers and curling irons. Said devices are bad for your hair, causing split ends and the necessity of regular trims at the salon.

Save time. Save money. Avoid the possibility of burning your eyebrows off.

Grow out your bangs and then send me a cute photo.

Love,

Voix

hit the brakes, hit the gas?

2006-02-02T18:52:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,

Every time I have a new idea about what I want to do with my life, I inform the entire world about my plans as if I've already started them. For example, I decided that I wanted to help Africa by volunteering in Kenya to de-worm Somali orphans. Then I found out I wouldn't be able to bring my hair dryer because of some sort of electrical plug issue. So I didn't go.

Now everyone thinks I'm a compulsive liar and totally out of control. But I'm not. I don't think.

Help!

Planning my way to an early grave.

Dear Planning,

I am very glad that you want to help the orphans. That is wonderful.

It sounds like you have the same foot in mouth disease that I have -- you like to announce your problems to the entire world as well as your ideas for how to make the world a better place. I'll bet you even think your ideas are pretty good, huh? That's awesome. Voix totally believes in self-confidence.

She does not, however, believe in being an idiot. People who talk too much about things they don't understand tend to fall into that category. I'm not saying you in particular, but. . . Didn't you know that worms are the least of the problem in those refugee camps? Seriously, someone needs to teach those girls how to match their burkas to their skirts. Oh my god, worms be damned -- bright green and orange do NOT match. Teach them that instead, and maybe a little reading and you've done your part, sweetie. And we have a bunch of Somalis here in Minneapolis, if you want to start slow. Come on over to my school and we'll set you up.

Anyway. Until you decide what your life's work really is, here's a little tip to make things easier:

Shut UP!

Start doing stuff and don't talk about it for a while and let people see that you make plans and follow through on them. It will be good for you.

And for heaven's sake, think about reading a newspaper from time to time. There's more than just good recipes on Thursday and a horoscope with bad news. You might find a cause closer to home that'll give you all the do-gooder work you need to have a fun and happy and meaningful life, or at least a few warm fuzzies to get you through a long winter.

matrimonally maligned

2006-01-31T13:33:00.000-06:00

dear voix,

i really want to move to omaha and marry a comic book artist i met online. he says he's on the verge of making it big, and he could put me through school to become a meteorologist. however, i'm currently married to a guy who had amnesia a year before i met him, and has just discovered he was a priest (and legally still is). my question is, do i have to divorce the priest? how does one go about divorcing a priest? can i just marry the comic book guy since my marriage to the priest may not be valid anyway? or should i forget about my dream of being a meteorologist in omaha altogether?

help!

dazed of our lives (DOOL)

Oh DOOL! What a disaster!

It has obviously sent you into such a tailspin that you've forgotten how to even use a shift key. As the French say, Quel Nightmare!

You must know that Voix herself is a Catholic and can provide your tornado-ravaged soul some good advice. First of all, your marriage to the priest is definitely null and void according to the law of the Church. That won't dissolve your legal relationship, but at the same time you won't be a wretched sinner in the eyes of the Lord should you choose to pursue your relationship with your illustrious animator. So. First things first: When your priestly beau regained his memories, did he tell you right away and/or did he try to get lucky one last time? That'll tell you whether or not you have to go to confession.

Next: Get a lawyer for the paperwork, it'll be way easier that way. Make sure you get all the worldly goods, they'd be bad for his soul anyway.

Next: This guy you met -- was he from one of those chat rooms or somewhere respectable like match.com? I know you might not think this makes a difference, but it does. Are you sure he's the guy for you? Have you met him in the flesh yet? Are you sure he's really a man?

I am all for you pursuing your dream of being a meteorologist. I think school is awesome. That is where I first learned to boss people around, and if you want to study meteors, then go for it.

At the same time, comic book artists are either SUPER successful or just kinda making it with a day job. So has your beau shown you his syndication contract? How do you know he's just about to make it big? Do you know he can afford the tuition? Are his comics even any good? If they aren't, you might have a hard time convincing your friends that you've made a good decision.

And most importantly, Is He Catholic?

You've got a lot of questions to answer before you can make this stormy situation into a sea of glass.

Good luck!

--Voix.

writerly worries

2006-01-29T18:45:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,

Hi! You are so cool! I'm a writer too and I was wondering how I'm going to become famous. I write a journal every day and have a very exciting and steamy life. I think my notes will make a wonderful book. Could you please tell me where to get my book published and how I pick up my check?

Thanks!
an aspiring writer.

Dear Aspiring Writer,

I congratulate you on your strong beginning in this letter. I believe it is very effective to compliment people as a way to trick them into telling you what you want to hear. I am pretty cool, aren't I?

It appears as though you have remarkable powers of optimism. In addition, your letter contains a concern that is very near and dear to Voix's heart. I, too, would like to be famous one day. Isn't that a creepy coincidence?

Here's what I recommend. Start a blog. Put your full name on it. Describe every single steamy encounter you've ever had in full detail. Mention panties, people like that. Tell all of your friends and family that you're trying to get published and you want their feedback on your writing. If people tell you they aren't interested in your blog, put a link in the footer of every email you send, anyway. Make repeated phone calls to make sure people have checked your blog every day and ask their opinion at the dinner table whenever you can. A site counter helps to track visitors, as well. All authors must cyber stalk their readers so they know who will be in the autograph line in the future. It only makes sense to keep track of these things.

As you wait for the editors to catch on to your brilliance and show up at your door with a book deal, post all of thoughts you might have about what life will be like when you are famous. You could describe the outfits that you will buy on Rodeo Drive when you're rolling in cash, for example. Rent the movie "Pretty Woman" with the inimitable Julia Roberts if you're short on ideas there. The fashion police will never beat on your door again, will they? Start going to a spa every week for beauty consultations and live the life that you know you deserve. That is the only way you'll blend in with the big wigs once you get there. It's all about the size of your pores, you know. Blog about that, too.

Once you get all that started, here is what you do next. Go to this website and send a query to the address listed on the sidebar. Tell the agent there that Voix sent you.

Once your intellectual prowess and literary acumen have finally been identified and acknowledged by the best in the business, you'll certainly get that 50K advance and your romps between the sheets will find their home in your local bookstore.

Yay you! Good luck!

--Voix

what is a warm heart?

2006-01-28T19:40:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,

You know that expression, "cold hands, warm heart?"
Should I be worried that I have warm hands almost all
the time? Thanks.

Andy Joyce
Woodbury, MN

Hi there Mr. Joyce,

Sounds like this is something that youve been worried about for a long time - is it weighing heavily on your heart? Carrying heavy things can cut off your circulation, you know. Like when you're moving and you have to move the washing machine and it's so heavy that your fingers start to get all numb right before you get to the top of the basement stairs? Then they get all cold and you think you're gonna drop the whole washing machine on your friend and it's gonna fall down the stairs on top of him and squash him flat? Like that. Lack of circulation might cause a cold heart. Are you sure your heart is actually pumping? Consider that first, because we can't put the cart before the horse here.

Ticker still ticking? Good. If it weren't, you might notice a difference in your ability to surf the internet and I'd recommend a quick trip to the doctor. A stitch in time really does save nine, you know what I mean?

Bon. Here is a quick list of questions to determine whether or not you've got a cold, cold heart.

1) Have you been having fantasies about the slimy worm monsters from King Kong attacking your vexing colleagues at work?

2) Do you wish food poisoning on people who cut you off in traffic?

3) Have you ever left the seat up so that your significant other gets a damp and frigid surprise in the middle of the night?

4) Have you forgotten the last time you bought flowers for someone?

5) I notice you live in Woodbury -- Do you ever contemplate whether or not your neighbors are zombies?

If the answer to all of these questions is a deep and resounding NO, I'm guessing your warm hands are just a fluke and probably indicative of something like a good circulatory system.

If the answer to any of these questions is YES, it's time to reflect. Do you have a cold heart, Mr. Joyce?

Next question: What are you gonna do about it?

I'd recommend buying a few Neil Diamond albums in penance and learning how to croon. That'd warm you up. Don't forget the heartfelt, urgent pleading and consider wearing sequins for a while.

Good luck!

--Voix

bound by resale value

2006-01-26T23:40:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,
I am in a bit of a bind. I was thinking about finishing the second floor on my home, and the architect has drawn up preliminary plans. I was surprised to find a few errors in his drawing. We are thinking about putting a master, a second bedroom, and a small office upstairs along with a large bath with "Jack and Jill" doors between the master and the second bedroom. I think if we dormer properly we can keep within the style of the house (i.e., "Queen Anne Bungalow" circa 1917) and get the room we need. Unfortunately, the small office will be less than 7 feet by 10 feet and therefore, according to local code, it does not qualify as a "bedroom" and we will not be able to list it as such if we ever wish to sell, decreasing our potential to recoup the costs.

Here is my problem. While keeping within the bounds of good taste, we need to make our second floor zombie-proof. There has been a recent outbreak on the South Side of town and I have been watching the news reports carefully. Last night, we did raid the local gun store and I was able to stock up on a number of supplies, rifles, shotguns, ammo, flashlights, canned goods and bottled water. I don't know exactly how fast the disease spreads (this is my first experience with a zombie infestation) but I have heard rumors that the zombies are headed to a military base nearby. (I don't really know where it is). Is there a way to build out the second-floor for an attack without sacrificing good taste if they pass by our area entirely? Or should I be looking for a different solution?

Please withhold my name and address so that I cannot be located by the undead.

Most importantly, my friend, remember that the safety of you and your family is the first thing to consider when preventing a zombie attack. And secondly, you say "infestation" like they're termites or something. Haven't you ever seen Michael Jackson's Thriller? Everyone knows that the only way you can become a zombie is to be bitten by one. Your water should still be safe, as far as we know.

So: You want to fortify the second floor without sacrificing the style of your lovely little Queen Anne Bungalow. Hmmm. Was Queen Anne ever attacked by zombies? I don't think so. Nor was she attacked by Huns. Not really a defensive structure you've got there. This does not bode well for our plans. Perhaps we should think more globally and examine the architecture of the yard and the first floor as well.

Any Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan knows that evil creatures pretty much only bother you when you walk in front of them, so it is a good thing you're all stocked up. Don't leave the house for a while, and maybe they won't come bust down your door.

Next: Pit traps under the rose beds that go down far enough for the zombies to ride the boat back to Hades. (It is a boat they ride to Hades, right? I never was good with those Greeks.) Coat the inside diameter of the holes with silicone spray or maybe napalm. That should slow them down a bit when they try to crawl out.

After that, electrify all the doors and windows. Do you still have all those MacGyver DVDs? Good. They'll come in handy. Think gum wrappers, coat hangers, and the old extension cord from the fan in the kitchen. And don't wire the windows while you're in the bathtub. The point is to electrocute the undead and have a little zombie barbeque, not to give yourself a perm. You don't have the bone structure for curls, you know?

From there, you should be fine. But keep in mind: The Department of Homeland Security always recommends duct tape. Don't get caught without it.

a good solid glare

2006-01-26T23:24:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,
My eyes hurt from staring at my computer screen all day. Staring at my computer screen all day is my job. What should I do?

Signed,
Blinded by Science

Voix is none too happy with you, Blinded. You have evoked memories of grade school, MTV, falling off a rusty blue bike and the Thomas Dolby hit "She Blinded Me with Science." Now this song is stuck in Voix's head. Maybe you didn't know that Voix had to go to Catholic school when she was a girl. Maybe you didn't know that was the song playing when tried to ask her own Romeo (in the form of Carl Kasperchowski) if (like she heard from her friend who wasn't really a friend if you know what I mean) he wanted to skate with her at the next slow song. Maybe you didn't know that he said, "Hell no, you're ugly." And to the tune of "She Blinded Me with Science" Voix cried. Maybe you didn't know.

Maybe you just thought that sending some innocent little question wasn't gonna hurt -- but you were wrong!

Still, I'm a big girl and I can handle this. Thank you for your question. I shall now give you the official "Ask Voix" answer that you are seeking. I can work through this pain.

Buy some sunglasses or something. And learn to be nice, why don't you?

a little exploding head problem

2006-01-26T06:56:00.000-06:00

Dear Voix,
Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. So far, it hasn't. What can I do to keep my head from exploding? If my head does explode, what should I do?
Signed,
Blowing My Own Mind

Oh Ms. Mindblown,

If only you knew the frequency with which I receive this kind of question. Not only is an exploding head slightly painful, it tends to create quite a mess. Better to avoid the mess.

My first recommendation is to take three Excedrin and construct a tin foil hat. Directions can be found at this website. If you're worried about it being secure enough, research has proven that it can easily be secured with duct tape to counteract the internal pressure of obsessive thoughts.

If your head does explode, there isn't much you can do except be considerate to the people who have to clean up after you. I recommend keeping a bucket, sponge, and gallon of bleach under the sink at home and under your desk at the office, just to help out. No one likes a mess. You could also consider laying down a tarp whenever you're going to spend any lenghth of time somewhere -- that would help with the spatter.

Good luck!

--Voix.

affairs of the heart

2006-01-26T06:40:00.000-06:00

When is it time to let go of a romantic relationship? My guy and I are compatible, love each other and want to be together. The problem is, he is going through a finding-himself-freak-out-born-again-Christian thing that makes us both agree that now is not a good time to be dating each other. We are trying to keep our friendship intact while he is in England on a four month spiritual retreat, but our phone calls and letters induce much emotional pain. I am seeing someone else casually, but I think about my ex all the time. I am a non-Christian and am accepting of his new found faith, but he refuses to start a life with a "lost soul" like myself. Should we wait and see what "God's plan for us" is, or should I sever him from my life completely?

-- in love.

Wow, in love. This is a really tough situation you're in. You have a great big Ouch! from me, because no matter how you slice it, this hurts.

Several questions come to mind.

The phone calls and letters are causing you pain. Are they causing him pain, too? Why are you doing something that is causing you pain? Just friends? You might say that, but I don't believe you.

You're seeing someone else and thinking about your love who is far away. Is that fair to the guy you're dating casually? Does he know you're attitude is "just casual" or is he expecting more? (This is potentially another conflict that will cause an unhealthy cardio workout. Voix is a firm believer in the "one thing at a time" approach to affairs of the heart.)

You and your guy compatible on everything except spirituality -- and I say spirituality instead of religion for a particular reason. He is becoming Mr "Go Jesus" and therefore believes that you are a lost soul because you don't want to become Mrs "Go Jesus." Despite the fact that you're accepting of his conversion, he is not accepting of your lack of conversion. His spiritual convictions are leading him to believe that you are not the girl for him if he is "refusing to start a new life with you." That leads me to think that the only way you'll be the exactly right girl for him is to convert to his brand of "Go Jesus." Is that what you want? (As a quick aside, I'm all for Christianity. Please let's not use this situation as a chance to bash the guy, OK? Voix insists that her readers be classy about this kind of thing.)

You and your guy love each other and want to be together -- but he's in England. That means his actions are telling you something different than his words. Are you listening to his actions? And when you talk, is he asking about you and your life or is he telling you about his conversion experience so that you'll jump on his bus?

God's Plan -- that is a tricky one. It is most difficult to discern except in hindsight. God has a lot of plans that are completely ruined by we free-willed, independent-minded nutjobs. I'd bet you doorknobs to donuts that his interpetation of God's Plan is totally different than your interpretation of God's Plan and when it comes down to it, that is a pretty clear indicator of your incompatibilty. I thought the boy who took me dancing was God's Plan. I thought the man formerly-known as Dr. Awesome was God's Plan. Those relationships could have been part of God's Plan for me, but not for the purpose I intended. I still haven't gotten to wear that fluffy white dress yet. Oh well, huh?

When all is said and done, the time to let go is your choice. It seems evident to me that time is now, but you don't want to let go. I totally get that.

Think of it this way: Do you want to set this down gracefully or do you want to leave claw marks all over it? Learning to deal with the "thinking about him all the time" problem won't come until you have accepted in your heart that he's taken a different path. You used to have something great. He changed. You changed. Now things are different. Are you doing yourself any good by obsessing over it?

If you can, give yourself permission to set this relationship down until he comes back from across the ocean and if you must, try to start over. Or just let yourself accept the fact that he's not the guy you fell in love with. He's a different guy now, wearing the same face.

You deserve better than someone who keeps trying to drag you onto the "Go Jesus" bus if you don't want to go there. I get irritated when someone tries to bring me to a football game, much less than when they try to convert me. Your spiritual and religious convictions are your own, and you are not a lost soul. Can you really respect a guy who thinks that about you? (Did I ever tell you about the guy I was engaged to? Yeah, he tried to convert me by deciding he wanted to be ordained a Russian Orthodox priest, but he couldn't get into seminary unless I converted before I married him. Ha!)

Your spirituality and faith practice are your own business. You aren't the kind of person who lets herself be bullied around, either. Keep that up. (Voix can say that because she knows in love and thinks she's a very cool girl.)

In my eyes, love should be unconditional. That includes loving the whole person despite what they believe, not because of it. You deserve the best. No matter how awesome this guy was in the past, he's not the man you need him to be today.

Today is the only thing you can do anything about.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Heartbreak sucks.

Now go write some poetry to get this out of your system.