Oh, it's on.

Implosion

2008-10-12T17:45:00.003-06:00

Apparently Wisconsin's football teams have begun their slow descent into hell. First the Packers lost to the Cowboys. Then the Badgers went up big before blowing it against Michigan. Then the Packers sucked it up against the Buccaneers. Then the Badgers blew it against Ohio State. Then the Packers blew goats against the Falcons. Then the Badgers got forcibly raped by Penn State.

What's next - the Packers get beat by 150 against Seattle? The Badgers lose to a Pop Warner football team?

Christ, guys. Pull it together.

"Don't Bring Enough Unless You're Going to Share With The Thing..."

2008-10-09T14:21:00.003-06:00

It's official. Going to see Electric Six again. Awesome.

FYI, the title of this post comes from Mr. Ismael's comment to Mr. RPM after RPM bought a ticket, but had the audacity not to purchase everyone else's tickets as well.

Make sense of it if you can...

Sometimes You Win Two

2008-10-06T18:45:00.002-06:00

Fresh off my unmitigated victory in a reconfinement hearing, last week I won my first revocation hearing ever. It was a pretty solid win for me, considering (a) the guy committed a new crime and admitted to it, (b) he had already been given a second chance (ATR) and screwed up again, (c) I didn't even have a viable alternative to revocation available, and (d) if revoked, the guy would have automatically gone back to prison for a year and a half.

Apparently I found the only ALJ who listens to reason and common sense. Also, one who buys into the "Come on..." argument.

For my next trick? Maybe I'll watch Heroes and chill for a bit.

Engage!

2008-10-05T18:33:00.002-06:00

This will undoubtedly come as a complete shock those of you who know me, but Ms. Purple Haze and I are now engaged. I produced the one ring on Thursday, October 2, and she graciously accepted.

For those of you dying to know (ie none of you), the proposal occurred at the San Diego Zoo, in front of the hippo tank. If that sounds random to you, it means a lot to us. For one thing, hippos are blood brothers with ninjas until the end of space and time. And these particular hippos live in a sweet tank, one that doesn't even leak.

Bottom line - your old pal Vice has a fiancee, and couldn't be happier. Look upon the ring at your own peril, as you may be blinded by the side diamonds.

Sometimes You Win One

2008-09-24T22:16:00.002-06:00

When I tell people I work in criminal defense, one question I often get is "How many cases have you won?" I have a hard time trying to explain that in this line of work, "winning" is a relative term. It can refer to the number of trials won, or the number of times a case has been outright dismissed - no deals, no negotiating, just a clean win. If you count just those two categories, than the answer is very, very few. Throw in the number of times I get a result that the client is happy with, the number goes up. Count the ones where I at least get a better result for the client than if they went without counsel, the number goes even higher.

Overall, however, it's a losing fight. And it should be, of course, because it's criminal defense, and the vast majority of people are guilty and don't have a defense. Still, getting to know these people, getting to understand why they do what they do, fighting for them - it's a rough business because no matter what you do, you're probably going to lose.

Nowhere is this more true than in the probation/parole revocation situation. You've got a person who has already been convicted and placed on probation, and is now accused of doing something else, so the Department of Corrections want to lock them up. The revocation context is almost impossible to deal with because these people don't get the same rights anymore. Revocation hearings are not trials. Evidence not normally admissible at trial because it would violate the client's rights is suddenly fair game. The burden of proof is much lower. The judge is not a judge, but an "administrative law judge," which is code for an attorney who doesn't like your guy and has no interest in what you have to say on your guy's behalf. I've had about 8 of these things, and I haven't won a single one.

Reconfinement hearings are even worse. This is where the probationer or parolee has already been revoked, and the only question is how long to lock them up for. They're going to jail or prison. That's it. There is no "winning" here. It's damn depressing.

So the other day I had a reconfinement hearing with a guy who I really felt for. He was on supervision, and he absconded. In other words, he completely left the state, for over a year, without telling his parole agent. Usually they take off because either (a) they broke the law and don't want to get caught, (b) they get stressed out because they don't have money because they don't get a job because...etc, etc., or (c) they got drunk/high and wandered off.

This guy, on the other hand, took off because he got shot in the head, and then he got jumped by the same people a little later. So I've got him asking me to have the judge let him out, because he took off for fear of his own life. I've got his family literally screaming at me because they don't think I'm doing my job well enough. I've got a DA and a probation agent who want to lock him up for at least another year. And the judge?

Well, the State set out its argument, the Agent gave his side of things, and then I made my argument. The judge, believe it or not, went for it. He actually agreed that absconding from supervision due to fear of getting murdered isn't the worst idea that ever happened. And he let the guy out, just like that.

Suddenly I'm the hero. Suddenly my client goes free, his family loves the shit out of me, and I actually won something.

Today I spoke to the agent on the phone, and he said "Wow, that was quite a victory for you the other day." I'm like "That's right, chump. One and counting. Slowly."

I didn't say that. But I should have.

Feels good to win once in awhile.

I'm Not A Religious Scholar, But...

2008-09-17T20:47:00.002-06:00

Someone needs to do some editing on the "Islam" page at Wikipedia. I'm fairly certain the first paragraph is not supposed to read as follows:

"Islam (Arabic: الإسلام; al-'islām (help·info); pronounFuck you Shahab is a monotheistic Abrahamic religion originating with..."

Think I'm joking? See for yourself.

Proportional Response

2008-09-11T09:21:00.003-06:00

As avid readers of this blog (all four of you), you know I've had my share of struggles with Best Buy in the past. For example, the new-disc drive-not-attached-to-anything incident, which seemed to be resolved when they gave me a new computer, leading me to declare an armistice on today's date (9/11, interestingly enough) two years ago. Then, however, came the give-me-back-my-data-you-miserable-fuckers incident, which led to it being entirely back on, and the vicious murder of the entire east side Geek Squad.

Since then, things have settled down, for the most part. Moved out to the west side, where things are laid back, and the Geek Squad over here doesn't seem entirely cretinous. I've occasionally had issues with the new (circa fall 2006) computer Best Buy gave me, such as a malfunctioning display (which required a total hard drive wipe), a loose plug, a new power cord, and a "complete functioning stop" incident (which required a total hard drive wipe). Annoying, but again, I'm still under warranty, so at least I don't have to pay anything to get it fixed.

Most recently, my battery stopped holding a charge for more than 45 minutes. Simple enough, just have them send me a new one, right? So that's what I did. Tried it out last night. Doesn't what one would call "fit" in my computer, meaning it doesn't so much "work" as "lay there like a worthless piece of excrement." Now, this bothers me enough, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's robots. If there are two things I can't stand, it's malfunctioning technology. I love technology - cars, phones, computers, batcycles - but I lose my shit when it stops working, because I rely so heavily on the convenience. In fact, 98% of all the yelling and 76% of all the cursing I have ever done in my life has been at broken technology. So I did a little shit flipping this morning, then cooled down, because I still have the other battery, and I can still plug it in AC (Slater)-style. Right?

Except the fucking plug wasn't working this morning, so I couldn't run it on AC power. My new battery wasn't working because it's a filthy whore. And my old battery wasn't working because - get this - I tried to charge the new and incorrectly fitting battery last night (to no avail) so my old battery decided to just hang out and die. Why not just put the old one back in and charge it? Because the FUCKING PLUG WASN'T WORKING, SO I COULDN'T CHARGE SHIT.

Take it to Best Buy. She looks, sees the plug isn't working. Says we'll have to send the computer out, it'll come back to me within 8-10 business days. I didn't kill her. I wanted to, but I didn't. I should have, of course. Because what she was leaving out was that (a) the computer would actually come back to me in 23 business days, (b) it would no longer function, and (c) once it got returned to me, I would have to send it back so they could "fix" (read: let a kid with Down's Syndrome beat on it with a hammer) it, then "rush" it back to me within "5" business days (read: 24 business days) in a slightly more functioning yet still non-functional manner.

And, oh yeah, she helpfully added that she could charge me for a data backup. Of course, if you'll recall, Best Buy only gives you your data on a disc where the files are all in .nfgh format. (For those of you not up on the current techno jive, ".nfgh" format refers to "not fucking gonna happen.") I said thanks, but (step closer and I will murder you) no thanks.

Then I thought, instead of having my computer sent out, how about Best Buy just ship me a new battery that actually fits? She said sure, they can do that. Then I realized that the new battery, if indeed it would fit (ha!), would still not be charged when it arrived. Meaning I would have to charge it using my computer and its non-functioning AC plug. Right.

Then I asked if there was any way the store could charge my flippin' crappy battery at least, so I could get my 45 minutes off of it to save some data and do some business. She's like "no, we'd have to find the exact model computer here in the store, and that's unlikely" (read: Apparently you haven't been paying attention. We don't help people here. We frustrate them. We fuck them over. We take their computers and see how many gallons of maple syrup we can pour over their motherboards before they stop functioning. If that's what you're looking for, then you've come to the right place.") So, instead of having my computer sent out and my data backed up, both never to return functioning again, I left the store enraged.

Luckily for Best Buy, I just watched the West Wing episode "A Proportional Response," where President Bartlett has to authorize his first military attack. The Syrians had shot down an American plane that was carrying doctors to a teaching hospital, one of whom was Jed's personal doctor, who just had a newborn baby girl. The President took the attack personally, initially wanting to wipe Syria off the face of the earth, but Leo and the Joint Chiefs talked him down, after a long, hard effort. Eventually, Bartlett chose a more proportional attack that didn't risk civilian casualties.

So, in an effort to be more Bartlett-esque, I have decided not to raze Best Buy from the earth. Instead, I went home and plugged in my AC adaptor. Lo and behold, I was actually able to get a charge. Seems if I don't jiggle the thing too much, I can make it work. Then I calmly dialed up Best Buy's "help" line, and had a new battery sent. The call was promising, because the girl on the phone actually wanted to know my computer's model number, so as to find a matching battery. She said that will get here in 3-5 business days. So I'll see that in a couple weeks.

Between then and now, I'll muddle through, hoping I can continue to jerryrig this power cord to keep getting a charge, and making sure all of my work and writing are backed up.

But a word of caution to the west side Best Buy - as of this moment, consider yourselves Iran. So much as look at me funny, your ass is next.

Novel

2008-09-03T10:36:00.003-06:00

After nearly two years of work, I have finally completed the first draft of a book. I had been going at a pretty good pace until this pesky job started to take off, now I have to work during my week days. But I've plugged along, and as of Monday I finished it. Though I don't know what the correct spacing and margins should be, right now the finished product is 701 pages.

As far as the contents, you've got a basic assortment of vampires, zombies, and other badassedry. As to the quality, I can't speak to that. It's not Shakespeare, it's not Hemingway, it's not Tolkien. But I like it. Then again, I liked The Chronicles of Riddick.

Now for the editing process. I don't really know what I'm going to do with it, ultimately. But I know it's only the first of a six book series. Maybe I'll try to get published. Maybe I'll just keep it for myself.

But what's important is that I've come this far, and I can finally put that bit from Family Guy out of my mind, the one where Stewie teases Brian about his alleged novel in an increasingly high-pitched voice, just to mock him:

Stewie: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off."

The End is Nigh

2008-09-01T15:20:00.004-06:00

This week's signs that the apocalypse is upon us:

- Taco Bell, and their new "Volcano Taco."

Leave it to T-Bell to start marketing a pink taco. So many jokes come to mind...brings a new meaning to playing with your food....etc, etc. Also puts a new spin on their slogans. "Thinking outside the bun," indeed. Or, a new way to "Make a run for the border." How about the old "You can munch it!" A new way to "Spice up the night." Also, when they originally came out with the phrase "Fourth meal," I thought they meant food, not vagina. But this version is better. If nothing else, should contain fewer rat droppings.

And don't even get me started on the "lava sauce."

Sign # dos:

- The following sign absolutely exists on a church in Oshkosh:

This, for those of you Wisconsinites who had forsaken believing in Jesus Christ as your lord and savior in favor of the second coming, Brett Favre. In this state, we take our churching almost as serious as our Packers.

Tha Shizknight

2008-08-15T17:31:00.004-06:00

I haven't done a comprehensive movie review in awhile. Now, however, I feel compelled, having seen the best goddamned movie ever made on two occasions. That movie, of course, is

The Dark Knight

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD.

Don't read if you haven't seen the movie yet.

(In fact, go see the movie now. I'll wait.)

Alright, so maybe not the best movie ever made. I'm not really fit to judge that, I suppose. But I can say without question that The Dark Knight has surpassed all other movies to become my favorite of all time. As someone who loves both superhero movies and morality tales, this just blew everything out of the water for me. I went into this movie with such high hopes, it was difficult trying to convince myself not to expect the greatest movie ever. And yet, this movie met every expectation I had and surpassed them all.

Admittedly, in terms of sheer quality, the Lord of the Rings trilogy is probably better. Even taken individually, each of those movies is possibly better overall. But that's about it. I'm still in love with The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded, but this was better. And compared to any other superhero movie, there's nothing that even comes close. That's not even a slight exaggeration. After watching TDK for the first time, I re-watched Spiderman 2 again, which I had previously considered to be the best superhero movie, edging out X-Men 2. But it wasn't even close. I mean, Spiderman 2 was, and still is (in my opinion) an awesome movie, with a tremendous story arc for its titular character and spectactular action sequences. But TDK is so epic, so sprawling, so complex, it made Spiderman 2 look like a campy kids movie. It was really kind of astounding.

So what's so great about it? Well, let's start with the obvious. The action and stunts are simply spectacular. But really, any action movie can deliver that. And sure, the cinematography is amazing, particularly the wide shots of Chicago-as-Gotham. But again, any movie can have beautiful design. The acting is solid all around - Christian Bale makes a terrific Batman/Bruce Wayne, once again. Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine add tremendous class to their roles. Maggie Gyllenhall is a step up from Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes. And, of course, ...

You want to know where the movie really shines? With the villains, of course. As previously mentioned, I love me a good-ass villain. With this movie, you've got the Joker. Now, I thought the previous series of Batman movies started off pretty well with Tim Burton's Batman and Batman Returns. I particularly liked Jack Nicholson's Joker. I mean, come on. "Wait'll they get a load of me." Right? Classic. Kinda creepy, kinda menacing, pretty cool. Then you've got Heath Ledger. Seemed kind of like a strange choice to me. But his Joker? Fucking phenomenal. All the raving you've heard about his performance, it's all true. And what amazed me was how completely different his Joker was from Jack's rendition. Instead of the veritable Clown Prince of Crime, you've got a terrorist, in every sense of the word. I mean, he's fucking terrifying. And made all the more terrifying by the fact that the writers gave him no backstory, no real motivations other than to "watch the world burn." His introduction to the crime lords of Gotham is priceless. And his showdown with Batman in the police station is pretty heady stuff. The ultimate battle between Order and Chaos.

Then you've got Harvey Dent, aka "Two-Face." Now, his story seems almost a bit rushed, or tacked-on here. I, like many others, thought he was going to be set up to be the main villain of the potential third movie. And there's still a chance he'll reappear, I suppose. But here you really got to see his full transition from crusading good guy to monstrous villain. Harvey embodied the major theme of the movie - how the good and pure can become corrupted. At the outset, Harvey, commissioner Jim Gordan, and Batman form a tripartite alliance to bring down the major forces of corruption in Gotham. These three are supposed to be incorruptible. But early on, the Joker points out a major problem with Batman as part of this alliance - he works outside of the law. While he is trying to impose order, he is also a vigilante. While Batman Begins showed how sometimes extralegal measures are necessary when the forces within the justice system have themselves become corrupted, this movie partially explores the other side of that coin. To his credit, Batman realizes the problem, which becomes clear when other masked copycat vigilantes start roaming the streets with automatic weapons. As a result, Batman nearly gives up his cape to pass the mantle to Harvey, because Harvey represents the type of hero that Batman can never be.

In a way, this is similar to Spiderman 2, except that Bruce Wayne's decision to give up being Batman is made even more compelling than Peter Parker's decision to give up being Spiderman. While Peter does it for largely selfish (though completely understandable) reasons, Bruce nearly does it because of largely principled reasons, because a vigilante represents nearly the polar opposite of order, and when the justice system is functioning, there is no need for vigilantes. (Of course, his motives are partillay selfish as well, as he believes giving up the cape will allow him to be with Rachel. )

But it all falls apart when the Joker attempts to bring both Harvey and Batman down to his level. By destroying everything Harvey cares about, the Joker turns him into a monster like him. And he attempts to do the same to Batman, pushing him to his limit, trying to force him to break his own moral code. To top it off, the Joker attempts to show Batman (and humanity at large) that when the chips are down, all of them are corruptible by forcing them to chose between their own lives and the lives of others. And even after that crisis is resolved, Batman still has to pick up the pieces from Harvey's transformation to a monster.

As a result of all of this death and mayhem, many saw this movie as an entirely nihilistic tale, but they really missed the point. I mean, besides the obvious nod to the goodness of humanity when neither group decides to pull the trigger on the other, Batman's ultimate decision to let himself take the blame for all of Harvey's destruction while allowing Harvey to become sanctified really seals the deal. We are not a wholly debased species, even at the worst of times. Joker himself admits it during the climax, telling Batman "You truly are incorruptible." Harvey fell from grace; Batman did not. In the eyes of Gotham he did, but Jim Gordan knows the truth. His family knows the truth. Batman never broke his one rule, he never killed, he never became the thing he was fighting against. And in the end, he allowed himself to be seen as the villain rather than let the people of Gotham lose faith in Harvey Dent, their white knight.

TDK was not without its flaws. It really was LONG. Thought its really hard to say that anything should have been cut, the long runtime was certainly noticeable. And again, the apparent resolution to Harvey Dent's arc seemed kinda short shrift and abrupt. It fit in perfectly with the themes of the movie, but still, Aaron Eckhart's Two Face could have carried a whole movie as a villain (at least thematically....but it would have been really hard looking at that face for much longer). But part of that is Nolan's efforts to leave nothing left on the field. Too often you see stories that don't really cover much ground, part of which is to ensure more story remains to be told in the sequels. Here, you don't really need much more. I mean, this thing was fucking epic, whether you think of it as a superhero movie or a crime drama. In fact, one wonders how Nolan could ever hope to top this, if in fact he does make a sequel.

And it will be a shame if this movie doesn't get serious Oscar consideration due to its superhero nature. Because it's so much more than a superhero movie. It's my favorite superhero movie ever. It's my favorite crime drama ever. It's my favorite action movie ever. It's my favorite movie, ever. Period.

My score: A+
Recommendation: Just watch it. I dare you not to be blown away.

Ah, Maturity

2008-08-05T16:20:00.001-06:00

Called a client today, left a voicemail. His voice message proclaimed it to be the inbox for one Mr. "Howie Feltersnatch."

Call me skeptical, but I do not believe that was his actual name.

Find Out Why They Call Him "Captain Hammer"

2008-08-02T11:25:00.004-06:00

For those of you who have any interest in Joss Whedon, or Neil Patrick Harris, or Mal from Firefly/Serenity, or like comic book villains, or enjoy laughing, I strongly encourange you to check out "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog." This internet series, made by Whedon, the creator of Buffy, Angel, and Firefly, came in response to the writer's strike, and network executives who gasped at the idea of giving writers any royalties for the media they created for the internets. Remember the whole "We don't even know what the internets are, much less how anyone could possibly use them for entertainment purposes" crap they tried to pull? Well, Joss made a low-budget, relatively high quality product and made it available for FREE. So go to the link, and check it.

When you're watching, keep a look out for the Evil League of Evil, Fake Thomas Jefferson, and Captain Hammer's less-than-subtle explanation of where his title came from. Classic.

Blessed Are the Righteous

2008-07-28T10:44:00.002-06:00

For those of you who hadn't heard, there was a shooting in a Tennessee church a couple days ago. At 10:00 am, while children of the church's congregation were putting on a production of "Annie," Jim Adkisson walked in with a 12-gauge and started firing off rounds, killing two people. When asked why he did it, Adkisson cited the church's outspoken support for liberal policies, such as support for equal treatment of homosexuals, women and minoirities. In fact, Mr. Adkisson drafted a 4-page manifesto discussing how the church was a "bastion of liberalism," and how liberals had been taking jobs he should have had. Apparently, this church's socially liberal agenda entitled Mr. Adkisson to start indiscriminately killing members of its congregation.

I guess I'm just flabbergasted by the thought process that must have gone on in this man's head. So God hates gays, right? He must also hate the people who help the gays. By contrast, Mr. Adkisson is a God-fearing white man with Christian values and Christian beliefs. These people were perverting a house of God. So, as an instrument of God's wrath, it was his responsibility to execute divine justice. Right?

I just can never fathom how these people buy into their own bullshit, the ones that think they have the responsibility to kill others who believe something other than what they believe. Especially when these people call themselves Christians. I mean, am I reading the wrong book? In my book, it says, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." In my book it says, "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."

I almost forgot. In my book, it also says, "THOU SHALT NOT KILL."

What book have you been reading?

The Verdict Is In...

2008-07-25T15:26:00.001-06:00

GUILTY.

I can't fucking believe it. Reasonable doubt my ass.

At Last

2008-06-28T09:21:00.002-06:00

Another soccer game, another injury. Vice has a tendancy to play balls-to-the-wall soccer, which usually results in a nasty new injury each week. (My right big toenail has been blue and purple for like 4 weeks now, with no signs that the shit will go away any time soon.) Well, I'm happy to report my latest injury - something fucked up my ankle, leaving me gimping around the apartment.

The plus side to all of this? I finally have an excuse to use my Dragon Cane. Bad-ass.

Facism at Home

2008-06-25T21:39:00.002-06:00

Thought I'd alert all of you unsuspecting moviegoers to a sinister plot to ruin the moviegoing experience. If you're thinking about seeing a movie at the Star Cinemas theater on PD, don't. Apparently Star has been bought out by the some unknown company with a "K" in its logo, which I assume can only be a branch of the Ministry of Love. Last night was the first time in a while that I had seen a movie at that theater, so I'm not sure exactly when this K monstrosity took over. But I can tell you about their "improvements," which seemed much akin to the UW's improvement in the transcripts department (e.g. making the transcripts $8 each rather than free, moving the registrar's office to a less convenient location, generally making them more difficult to obtain, etc.).

What improvements have the K-holes made, you ask? Well, for starters, the prices for the snacks are no longer listed with tax. So, instead of listing $6.25 for a tub of popcorn, they list $5.93, or some shit. A minor annoyance, perhaps. (Also, I believe they raised the prices. Last I recall, a large popcorn was $5.75. Maybe I'm wrong, so I'll leave that one alone.)

You want a real complaint? How about this - they will no longer give you little plastic cups for your water. Instead, they now give you conical paper cups. Flimsy, crappy paper cups that don't even fit into the cup holders! The bottoms of the cup holders have a piece of plastic that prevents the cups from sitting level. No matter how you arrange it, the cup will not sit right. So if you fill the cup, it will spill all over the floor, and onto your feet.

This, I assume, is an attempt to force people to buy the over-priced bottles of water (what do they cost now, $18 a piece?) rather than the last bastion of reasonable priced movie theater edibles - free, refreshing water. It's a complete dick move, and it made Ismael's abrupt tossing of his water cone (full of water at the time) at the garbage can and storming off a reasonable move. (Less reasonable was his later request for me to go get him another water cone.)

Further proof of the K-hole facist regime that has infiltrated Star Cinemas? They now offer only one kind of salt for your popcorn. And it's not regular salt. It's some sort of processed butter salt. What kind of horseshit is that? Butter salt isn't even the standard type of salt, so to limit our options to only that is fucktarded. Also, they no longer offer various types of flavored salts (garlic salt, ranch salt, cheddar cheese flavoring, etc) which I didn't use, but I'm sure others did. Now all we have is butter salt. Ultimately, it's still pretty good in the taste department, but that's no excuse.

Finally, and most creepily, was the admonishment that the audience receives by the movie screen just prior to the start of the film. Basically it says we needed to be on our best behavior, because there were people watching us, and would throw us out of their facist theater if we didn't obey their facist code. The crux of it was that there was a separate surveillance camera pointed at every single moviegoer in the theater, and one false move would mean our demise.

So, in conclusion, I urge you all to boycott the new K-hole Cinemas in a concerted effort to counter such assholery. Unless, of course, you want to see something on the IMAX. Or if it's right next to your house. Or if it shows a movie you want to see that isn't being shown by another theater. Or, you know, if you like facism.

SIDE NOTE - Prince Caspian is a pretty damn good movie. I have no idea if it was remotely like the book, but it was a solid piece of entertainment. I'd highly recommend it.

I Have Seen the Future, and It Is Awesome

2008-06-19T20:40:00.006-06:00

Forget your fancy sports cars, your hybrids, your battle tanks, and your Batmobiles. (Well, maybe not your Batmobiles...) I have seen the future of automobilery, and it is much better than any of that. No need for hydraulics. No need for shocks. No need for tires.

Everybody, get your hovercrafts!!

That's right. They're finally here, real live hovercrafts. And they're awesome.

Check this video, and turn the sound way up. It's the promotional video for the first commercially viable hovercraft. Check it.

I love the future.

This One's For You, Ismael

2008-06-17T18:25:00.004-06:00

As we crossed the road to get back to our apartment complex, PH and I were accosted by a vehicle full of women. Upon driving past us, one leaned out the window and shouted the following phrase:

"It's my money, and I want it now!"

It's Alive!

2008-06-12T18:22:00.002-06:00

Good God almighty, our satellite TV is back on line. After three weeks of being reduced to network programming, we finally got our TV back up and online. The recent drought almost made me want Charter back (shudder, gasp). It only took one competent person three hours messing around with our satellite, in the middle of a thunderstorm and pouring rain, no less, to fix the problem. Poor guy. He was a champ.

Anyway, now I can finally get back to several pointless hours of channel surfing each day. More importantly, the return of the Daily Show and Colbert, so I can catch up on current events.

Way to Represent Your Gender

2008-06-06T19:03:00.006-06:00

"Women's emotions are controlled by their vaginas. Vaginas interfere with the ability of women to reason. Vaginas make women moody and irrational. Women in power would make rash, illogical, emotion-based decisions. This is why they are not qualified to hold public office, and why they should not be allowed to participate in the political sphere."

This, in a nutshell, has been a dominant strain of thought regarding the role of women in politics, dating back pretty much forever. Accordingly, government has always been the dominion of men. And to a large extent, it still is, despite the tremendous advancements made by women over the past couple centuries. Look no further than American government for proof. In America, women have only had national suffrage since 1920. The vast majority of seats in the House and Senate are occupied by men - women make up just over 16% of Congress, as opposed to over half of the general population. We have never had a female president.

The question, of course, is why. I mean, really. I suppose the situation in Congress is as much the problem of incumbency as it is residual chauvanism. Members of congress just don't get defeated, whether male or female. That's why we get senators who are over 100 years old, or members of the house on their 30th term. In this system, change happens slowly, if at all.

That doesn't account for the presidency, of course, as presidents have term limits. We've had 42 presidents (not double-counting Cleveland, who was #22 and 24), and none have been women. We haven't even had a woman as a major party nominee yet. The closest was Geraldine Ferraro, Walter Mondale's running mate in 1984 for the Democratic Party. We have more and more women running in primaries, but to date, no female nominees.

Of course, this year we almost had Hillary Clinton. You'll hear the phrase "groundbreaking" liberally applied to her campain, and it was - she was a major-party frontrunner for over 10 months, and barely missed out on the nomination. As we all know, she was defeated by the equally groundbreaking campaign of Barack Obama, the first African American to be a major party's nominee for president. We've all heard how these two candidates have energized women and African Americans, respectively. And I guess that's only natural. If I was a woman or an African American, and I was a student of history and current affairs who understood the centuries of political oppression, and was frustrated by the continuing lack of proportional numbers of women or African Americans in power, I would probably also be very excited about these two candidates. (In fact, despite the fact that I'm a white male, I was very excited about both. Admittedly, I supported Obama over Hillary, and I generally think that she's a bad person. But I think both would be excellent as president, and if things had gone the other way, I would have voted for Hillary in a heartbeat.)

But then, that also brings up the problem of "symbolic" or "descriptive" representation. Basically, it's a question of whether the gender or race of a candidate actually matters. On the one hand, taking the view that we're all created equal, it shouldn't matter. A man should be able to represent women just as well as he represents men, and vice versa. Whites should be able to represent blacks just as well as they represent whites, and vice versa. With this ideal in mind, the race and gender of a candidate should make no difference to voters.

This is why I've always been pissed off when someone asks the question, "Hypothetically, would you ever vote for a woman as president?" The question only gauges whether or not I'm a sexist. All I know about this hypothetical candidate is that she's a woman. I know nothing of her positions on the issues. I know nothing of her character. Ultimately, I know nothing about her. All I can tell you is that the fact that this candidate possesses a vagina doesn't disqualify her from office in my book. Same with race, same sexuality, same with any other superficial characteristic you can come up with.

Of course, not all voters think this way. Some voters harbor gender or racial biases. They care about these superficial characteristics. A lot. Some truly believe that a woman will better represent women, or that an African American will better represent African Americans. And they may not be wrong, because politics often doesn't follow the ideal I mentioned. That's just the reality of the situation. And, in my opinion, it means that people who vote based primarly on race or gender are not foolish simply because they base their votes on these supposedly superficial characteristics.

But then there are others who I won't hesitate to judge as being foolish. Take, for example, this woman. An ardent Hillary supporter, Billie Bromer says that she is highly unlikely to vote for Obama in November now that Hillary has been defeated in the race for the Democratic nominee, despite the fact that Bromer is a Democrat. Bromer's not alone - a substantial portion of Hillary's supporters are considering either not voting, or possibly voting for Republican nominee John McCain. Now, I won't outright call these people stupid. If McCain's positions on the issues are more in line with yours than Obama's are, fine. But the voters - particularly women - who won't vote for Obama because their beloved female candidate got defeated are idiots. Just listen to this statement by Bromer, as part of her explanation of why she won't vote for Obama:

"We are homeless now and we are desperately seeking a home. We feel we have been ''abused'' by the Obama campaign and by the Democratic party.

Why would we go back to our abusers, especially when they continue to minimize our thoughts and feelings? The feminist in some of us certainly trumps any party loyalty we may have had and actually trumps any views we may have on Roe v. Wade or Iraq."

The last line is what really makes me angry. This woman is essentially voting squarely based on the vagina. The "feminist" in her trumps all other issues? Then she probably shouldn't be allowed to vote. Hillary Clinton stood for a whole lot more than simple possession of a vagina. I guarantee you she wasn't running to put a woman in the White House - she was running to push her issues, such as...for instance...Roe v. Wade, or Iraq.

Sure, why not vote for McCain? Except that his positions are pretty much diametrically opposed to those of Hillary. Sure, why not stay home on election day, let your non-vote be a boycott for your candidate getting defeated? Except that by not voting, you're not engaging in the political process. By not voting, you're making it a little more likely that the candidate who opposes your candidate's positions on every issue will get elected.

It seems to me that this woman is betraying the very principals her candidate stood for. It seems like her stance is completely irrational. It seems like she's acting out of spite and emotion rather than reason and logic. It seems like she's doing a complete disservice to herself, her candidate, and her gender.

Then again, I'm just a man. What do I know?

Motion Practice

2008-05-23T17:47:00.003-06:00

As a lawyer, a lot of what I do is paperwork. As a defense attorney, a lot of what I do is filing motions. Most are just procedural necessities; others have real meaning. Some are pointless. Some are bound to fail. Some are bound to piss people off.

But there are others that I just love. Two in particular. I love the act of writing them, knowing their significance. But even more satisfying is the act of filing them. Whenever I hand one to the clerk, I just get that feeling. The clerks never realize the significance of the particular motion to me, but I kinda wish they did. I keep waiting for one who's in the know, one who looks down at it, then she's like, "For realz?" And I'm like "Fuckin' right." Then we high-five. It's awesome. Or, it's awesome for me, anyway.

So what are these motions, specifically?

1. Motion to Dismiss, on behalf of a client I like

2. Motion to Withdraw, on behalf of a client I hate

It's hard to decide which I enjoy more. All in all, I'd say number 1, but not by much.

Imaginationland

2008-05-17T10:28:00.012-06:00

On Thursday, in a speech given in the pivotal electoral battleground state of Ohio, Republican frontrunner John McCain unveiled his vision of the future following four years of a McCain presidency. As a response to all of those who worry that a McCain presidency would simply be a continuation of what many consider to be the disastrous policies of the current administration, McCain envisions a golden age of relative peace and prosperity for America, where our current problems have long since been solved, and the uncertainty and disillusionment of 2008 will seem like mere bad dreams. I think you'll agree that McCain's vision demonstrates without a doubt why he should be elected. If you are ready, I would be honored to take you on a whirlwind tour of McCain's America, circa January 2013:

- The Iraq war has been won. Iraq will be a functioning democracy, and most of our troops will have returned to us. The few remaining divisions will only be staying behind to act as collection agencies, who spend their days counting the money that the newly democratic people of Iraq have graciously begun to donate to the United States to express their undying gratitude for bringing peace and freedom to their land.

- The international community will have convinced Iran and North Korea to abandon their nuclear aspirations. More specifically, Iran and North Korea will be convinced to abandon these aspirations by an international coalition of freedom-loving robots that will invade these nations, killing every single living person in sight, including Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. The robots that seize power and establish their respective constitutional robocracies will have no interest in developing nuclear weapons, instead setting their sights on enslaving the surrounding nations and bending them to their merciless robotic will.

- Osama bin Laden will have been captured and killed. McCain himself will lead the expedition, hunting through the caves of northern Pakistan, and will battle Osama in a fight to the death. The fight will end when McCain distracts bin Laden by pointing behind him and getting him to turn around, at which point McCain will exclaim "Yippie ky-aye, motherfucker!" and punch a hole through bin Laden's face. Luckily, these events will be captured on film, and turned into the final installment of the Die Hard franchise, entitled Die Hard 5: Die Already.

- There will still not have been a major terrorist attack on the United States since September 11, 2001. The tide will turn for good in December of 2010, when the terrorists accidentally set off a bomb in Paris. On that day, the terrorists will finally decide to change their ways after witnessing firsthand the true consequences of terrorism, when hundreds of innocent civilians are killed. Following this shocking tragedy, terrorist leaders will band together to institute a policy of pacifist terrorism only.

- Domestically, the United States economy will be seeing an unprecedented surge. All the jobs that had been lost to developing foreign countries will return through President McCain's sweeping Employment Repatriation Act of 2009. Every industry will be seeing record growth, particularly the candy manufacturing industry. Under a McCain presidency, the American people will begin constructing life-sized gingerbread houses covered in candy canes and gumdrops. They will drive licorice cars down roads made out of peanut brittle, through forests made of lollipops and over rivers filled with sugar plums and cotton candy. The impending oil crisis will be averted when a rancher discovers a massive and untapped oil reservoir beneath Jellybean Mountain, and the price of gas will plummet to 0.85 chocolate coins / gallon by 2011.

- Siberians will stop bitching about how fucking cold it is over there.

- The problems of global warming and illegal immigration will be solved simultaneously through McCain's strategic use of Giant Brick Walls around the border. These GBW's will be approximately 1.5 miles high, will surround every American border and oceanfront, and will be made out of special Mexican-resistent and greenhouse gas-resistent bricks.

- Flying cars will have finally been invented, and will be affordable enough for civilian use. Unfortunately, they will have been invented by the robots, and will only be used by the robots to fly over foreign nations and kidnap their women.

As you can see, McCain's America is a strong, successful America, on the verge of becoming a complete utopia. But the only way to make this dream a reality is to vote for John McCain. Think about it - five years from now the Iraq war will be over, almost. Osama bin Laden will be an afterthought. Americans will no longer have to worry about terrorism, oil shortages, rising gas prices, unemployment, global warming, bitching Siberians, or illegal immigration. Really, the only remaining threat will be the robots. And honestly, you can't blame John McCain for all of our robot-related problems. Sure, some stick-in-the-mud liberocrats will point out the fact that the only reason McCain will be alive in 2013 is because of his newly designed robot exoskeleton, and the fact that McCain will be the democratically elected Supreme Chancellor of Robotica.

But, I mean, come on, people. He's just one man. (Well, technically, half-man, half machine. But you get the idea.)

Vote McCain!

McCain looks into his magical, floating crystal ball.

U(nidentified) F(atass) O(bject)s

2008-05-13T19:26:00.005-06:00

Almost forgot to mention this. As I was walking toward the Dane County Courthouse the other day, guess who I saw? To narrow it down, let's do it twenty questions style:

20. Yes, it is a human being, barely.

19. Yes, this person is male.

18. Yes, he is an attorney.

17. No, this person does not have a soul, except for the ones he stole.

16. Yes, he does leave a trail of slime behind him as he walks.

15. No, he has never met a bag of pork rinds het didn't like.

14. Yes, he has litigated many cases in federal court.

13. No, he does not like to brag about it, he just can't help it.

12. Yes, he is much better than you, and would like to thank you for acknowledging it.

11. No, he does not like kittens, except in a stew.

10. Yes, he did recently escape being chained to a lake of fire in hell.

9. No, he didn't mind it there, except for the disappointing shortage of evilness in his peers.

8. Yes, he went to "law school" at Marquette.

7. Yes, he does teach legal writing at UW.

6. No, his grading scale does not extend past an 84.

5. Yes, he does ooze bacon fat from his pores.

4. No, he will not sign autographs.

3. Yes, he does buy his hair from KMart.

2. Yes, every time he smiles, a small child dies of heart failure.

1. No, he is not the greatest trial attorney in America. He is the greatest trial attorney in the history of the galaxy.

Who is this mystery man?

If you guessed Bob Fuckin' Kasieta, you're absolutely right.

Award yourself the number of points corresponding with the point at which you guessed correctly, and may God have mercy on your souls.

Finally, a Movie Named After My Penis

2008-05-04T16:01:00.004-06:00

Starting the summer off right, I bring you (official) movie review numero 10:

Iron Man

Comic book superhero movies have always been pretty hit or miss. Anyone remember Superman 4 or Batman and Robin? Me neither. Then the 2000's saw a re-emergence in quality superhero movies, led by the first two Spiderman movies, the first two X-Men installments, and a reset of the Batman franchise in Batman Begins. However, as the genre became more lucrative, everyone started jumping on the bandwagon. All comics became fodder for movies, whether worthy or not. Ghostrider happened, and the death toll is still rising. The Fantastic Four and Incredible Hulk franchises seem to be in a deadlocked race to see which offering blows the most goats. Even the third installments of Spiderman and X-Men were noticeably weaker than their predecessors. And to top it all off, Lex Luthor tried his hand at yet another real estate scheme.

But there seems to be no end in sight to the superhero movie trend, as every third rate superhero is still getting his or her own movie. 2008 seems to be no different, with new Incredible Hulk, The Punisher and Hellboy offerings on the way. July will bring us The Dark Knight, which should provide the Batman franchise's pinnacle if Spiderman 2 and X-Men 2 are any indication.

Then there's Ironman. I never read this comic. I never read anything about this character. The concept is pretty self-explanatory, and kinda silly - man wears suit of metal, blows shit up. Hey, worked for Robocop, right? Except, at this point, we demand a lot more of our superheroes than simple mindless destruction and badassery. Some skepticism here was clearly warranted.

The trailers gave me hope, however. Robert Downey Jr. was cast as the lead. Not the typical buffed up pretty boy, by any stretch. Downey's got some read comedic chops, when he's not languishing in a gutter strung out on crack. To me, comedy is an essential element of any superhero movie. I mean, we're watching some completely unrealistic shit, often involving a cape and tights clad wackjob running around trying to stop the end of the world. Without some serious levity, there's only going to be laughter for the wrong reasons. (See, e.g., Attack of the Clones. "Oh Amidala, last time I saw you I was like 8 years old and you were much older, but ever since then my loins have throbbed for you. Look at how serious my expression is! Our love is so epic!" And scene.) Thankfully, Iron Man has comedy to spare. It comes at all the right moments. The first attempts at flight are particularly laugh-out-loud hysterical.

Then you've got characters. Iron Man, aka Tony Stark, is an incredibly arrogant and equally brilliant billionaire playboy who designs and glibly markets military weaponry without stopping to consider the consequences. His transformation toward having a conscience and concern for stopping the global bodycount is fairly believable, and he remains the same likeable jackass from beginning to end. Plus, the plot offers a valid criticism toward today's profiteering off of warmongering, while never actually getting preachy. A tough balancing act, but this movie pulled it off pretty well.

The action is generally pretty strong, if not spectacular. The final battle is pretty much what you'd expect, but avoids descending into outright lameness, which was a definite possibility given the setup. Overall, a rock solid effort all around, considering it's a guy in a metal suit.

And the best part - I didn't even realize there was a comic book superhero named after my penis. You see, on my first and only trip to Washington D.C. I attended a sort of young leader's conference. The students were all arranged into groups of 25, and as an introductory game we all gave our names and our favorite hobby. One member of our group, who would later become one of my best friends in the history of the universe, informed us that, as a rule, each man's penis should have a nickname based off of his hobby. The only names I can remember are "Rocky," for a rock climber friend of mine, and my own member's name - "Iron Man," based on my love of golf. I thought it fairly appropriate. And I knew Ozzy did a pretty badass tribute song back in the day, which was used to good effect in both the movie trailer and the movie itself. But now I've got a whole movie I can point at -- a damn good movie, no less -- and say, "My schlong inspired that phenomenal piece of filmmaking."

Although, to be fair, as far as tributes go, I'll always be partial to the People's Republic of China and their aptly named "Dragon Tower."

My score: A-
Recommendation: Hellz fuckin' yeah.

Attacked!

2008-04-26T08:28:00.002-06:00

High above in its mountainous fortress, the Beast watched and plotted. Little did I know it had me it its sights, stalking me, awaiting only the right moment to spring its trap. I had ventured into its domain, a slight the Beast would not abide.

Too late I heard it move; too late did I sense the attack. I raised my hands in defense, but the Beast coiled and struck true, its talons clawing deeply into the exposed flesh of my face.

Then, victorious in its conquest, the Beast slinked away, to wait and plot its next attack.

But my scars remain, and may never heal. Forever they shall attest to the fated night when I became the hunted.

TRANSLATION: I was watching TV on the lower bunk of the bunkbed in the office of our apartment. The cats normally call the top bunk home, and occasionally jump to the lower bunk to get down. K2, aka Maggie, aka Fatpants, decided to jump down. I heard her rustling up above, and shifted slightly in my place. The son-of-a-bitch misjudged her landing and ended up landing claws-first directly on the left side of my face.

So yes, I've got some pretty sweet scars. If anyone asks, I got attacked by a jungle cat.