101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat!

#103 - My inability, at times, to say "No"

2009-07-08T09:53:00.001-04:00

I am always amazed watching normal/thin people say 'No' to food. You know what I mean. 'Would like a slice of pie?', 'No, thank you.' Huh? If someone ever offered me a piece of pie, I would most graciously say 'yes'. :) Could I even turn down a slice of pie, ever? Even at Thanksgiving, when we are full to the limit with turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing and all the yummy trimmings, there always somehow seems to be room for pie. I don't know where I picked up this inability to say 'no' to foods offered to me. Am I just being gracious? Am I truly hungry? Do I just want that high I get from carbs? Or is it just that I'm cheap and can't refuse a free offer? Who knows. It's probably some combination of the above. But it's true, I don't seem to have the word 'no' in my foodie vocabulary.

I notice that my normal-sized boyfriend always turns down my offers of food. 'Do you want a cookie?', 'No, thanks', 'Do you want some cake?', 'Nope, I'm good', 'Would you like some dinner?', 'Nah, not hungry'. How does he do it? Is he truly not hungry? Or does he possess some superpower I am unaware of? Ask me any of those above questions and I guarantee my answer will be 'yes'. Granted, I know my boyfriend isn't that much into sweets (I know, the horror!), so I get that it's easy for him to turn down my goodie offers. But still. I could ask him, 'Honey, want some steak?' (cause most men go weak at the knees for grilled beef products) And many times he'll still say 'no'.

What I wonder though, is do people like that consciously say 'no' as a choice? Like sure they would REALLY like some pie, but realize it's not good for them and refuse the offer? Or do they truly not have the same urges and cravings? I wonder. I've asked my boyfriend about this, and his answer usually is 'nope, I just don't want it'... Don't want pie??? Crazy talk. Everyone wants pie... don't they? Is there some innate switch inside normal/thin people that turns off that automatic 'yes' answer? Is our switch broken? Are we (the chubby ones) stuck in the 'on' position, and forced (ok I know not FORCED, but ya know) to say 'yes'? I mean I honestly can't remember the last time I turned down an offer of food. Probably the only time was when I had the stomach flu and couldn't keep anything down. Even then, I still managed to eat some soup and crackers when it was offered to me.

I keep thinking I have to work on exercising my right to say 'no' to sweets. I know they are not good for me. I know they don't add any essential nutrients to my daily diet. I know they make me fat. But despite all this knowing... I still say 'yes'. Maybe from being fat so long and saying 'yes' to all the crap over the years, I've just gotten out of practice in saying' no'. I think just like anything in life, it takes practice. By no means do I expect to always say 'no' to my favorite baked goods, but I think I can start consciously throwing in a 'no' here and there. I always say it's the little things we can do to help ourselves that add up. Just saying 'no' to a piece of pie 3 times a week, for example, adds up to 18 pounds in a year in excess calories! I'm going to do my little part today. I made a fresh batch of brownies yesterday, but I think today I will say 'no'. I can wrap them up and put them in the freezer where they can wait for me another day. I can say 'no'!

#102 - Underwear

2009-05-14T07:11:00.002-04:00

Underwear? You ask. It's true. This is one of those little odd reasons I hate being fat... underwear. As a fat woman I find myself faced with the dilemma of which underwear style to choose. I'm still quite heavy and have this oh-so-attractive stomach roll that I can't figure out what to do with. Here's the thing... do I wear big huge granny panties to cover it up? Do I wear high cut bikinis that cover half of it? Do I choose normal bikinis and let my undies sit under my roll. Or do I go nuts and wear a thong just covering up the bits? It's a strange dilemma, but I'm faced with it. The only reason this came up was the fact that I got so lazy and didn't wash clothes for a long time and have now gotten the chance to take a tour of every single pair of underwear in my underwear drawer. Yup I've worn them all. Briefs, bikinis, boy shorts, lace ones, cotton ones, silky ones, my underwear drawer is a cornucopia of undergarments.

So here's my take so far of Undie Tour 2009. The high cut bikinis are a pain. They cover half my roll when I slip them on, but during the day gravity and movement manage to roll them down and they end up bunched in a little roll under my, well, roll. Not very comfortable I must say. Same thing with the boy shorts. They are super cute when I slide them on, but in the end are hidden under my tummy. The regular bikini was at least honest with me. It made no attempt to cover up the stomach and sat below my gut. They are comfortable, but something about my tum tum swaying loose in the wind bothers me. I don't like the feel of my stomach scratching against the inside of my jeans. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Then there was the string bikini. God help us. This one was terrible. Not only did they disappear under my roll, the strings on the side found themselves wedged into my hip. Geesh, didn't I realize before I actually had hip rolls? Gross out. So when I look in the mirror, all I see is a little triangle of fabric covering my hoo ha, the rest mysteriously missing, tucked away in the folds. This, I did not like. Finally there was the infamous granny panties. OK I think what I call granny panties isn't the same ones your granny wears. Honestly I don't think I've ever bought a pair of truly full cut brief underwear. The ones I wear are actually labeled hipsters, whatever that means. But like Goldie Locks said, "they were just right". These seem to hug my body in all the right ways, cover the stomach, and stay put all day long. In my mind these are granny panties, but I know they are not even close. Granny panties are the ones that go up to your belly button... Let's not go there. So the clear winner for me was the hipsters.

But what about the size? Ugh, don't get me started. When did someone come up with underwear sizing? 4,6,8,10? And those sizes pretty much cover the size range of most women? I've always hovered in the 8-10 range for most of my adult life. Size 10? What is that equivalent to? I wear a size 22? I like what some of the plus-sized stores do. They actually size underwear normally. I can go there, buy a size 22/24 and KNOW they will fit. How many times have you picked up a 3-pack of undies in size X from one brand and another pack in the same size from another brand, go them home, and neither fit right (one probably being to tight, one too big)? I'll stick with my plus-sized brands even though they are heinously expensive ($14 for a pair of undies?!?).

This makes me think of the sizing on pantyhose (ok pantyhose aren't underwear, so a bit off topic, but at least it has the word panty in it!). A,B,C... Q? I was surprised to find I had picked up a royal title just from wearing my Queen-sized pantyhose! What the hell is that about? Is that the company's way of saying, "Aww, I'm sorry you're so fat. Let me make you feel better and call your size Queen." Strange. Some of the plus-size stores at least have the dignity to call it like it is and just continue the alphabet with their sizes, D,E,F,G,H. While some others have opted to come up with up with their own naming convention, either restarting the alphabet, A,B,C, or using numbers 1,2,3. I personally like the ones that give me the real sizes like 1X, 2X, 3X. Then I really know what I'm getting. I mean, am I a B or a C or a 2 or a 3? Well at least I know I'm somewhere around 2X or 3X, so I appreciate the honesty in their sizing. But I suppose pantyhose don't really need exact sizes anyway. When a pair of pantyhose says it fits a woman from 5'4" to 6'3" from 190 pounds to 250 pounds, I think you can be loose with the sizing.

So now all that remains in my undie drawer is a thong. So the question is... am I going thong or doing laundry today? I suppose I could take a tip from my boyfriend and just go commando!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2009-04-30T21:28:00.002-04:00

I know, I know, I haven’t posted in ages! My bad. Mea culpa, mea culpa. I’ve been going through a tough time lately, just having a hard time sticking to being healthy. Sure I’m trying, but only half-assed, you know what I mean. So I’ve been having myself a little pity party lately, falling into that stupid cycle again of feeling bad, eating more, feeling worse, eating more, feeling even worse..... and so forth. But something made me realize what I had fallen back into. I opened up my email this morning and got a really delightful message. Shelley wrote me a great honest story about an experience she had while clothes shopping. Just reading her story today was enough to snap me out it. Anyway, I thought I’d share her story and my response with you all. As I explained to Shelley, I really don’t think you all realize the impact you have on me too!

Hello!

I know you haven’t updated the blog since January so I don't even know if you will even read this, but I feel like I want to email you and tell you my story and profess my love for your blog.

I stumbled upon your blog about 4 or 5 months ago at like 11 at night and I ended up reading the whole thing, in its entirety, start to finish and was up for a long time reading every post while my boyfriend lay in bed. I was smiling, agreeing, laughing, and crying. I couldn't stop! I haven’t read anything like your blog, ever. I have browsed many a book by overweight women and find myself not able to really relate to them because for some reason or another I don’t feel like its very real, but your blog is the most real thing I can imagine. Thank you so much for writing from a legit perspective.

I am 23 years old, 5'4 and about 250 pounds. I have almost always been kind of heavy, and it is no doubt in my mind that I suffer from some sort of Compulsive Overeating disorder. I love to eat! I ritualize it and honor food. Either way, I am a lucky girl because I have a great boyfriend who isn’t one of those creepy BBW admirers and is really supportive and understanding and truly likes a bigger lady. ANYHOW, that wasn’t the point of my letter; I wanted to share with you my eye opening moment when I realized that I could do something with what I have always thought of as my fat, shapeless body.

I have always been super self conscious about my clothes. I can never find anything that fits so I resort to black band t-shirts and jeans and flip flops pretty much all the time. I know, that I look terrible, but I feel like its okay to do in t-shirts and that wearing black will somehow slim me down. So, one day I stumbled upon Torrid in the mall, I am sure you know what Torrid is, and if not, boy are you in for a pleasant surprise. Well, it’s a modern plus size clothing store that isn’t too tacky but can be a little lame at times. So, I went inside and was blown away by the amount of cute clothing in bigger sizes so I started picking up things to try on. I was in my usual attire and the girls at the desk were those super proud fat girls with a lot of sass who are exponentially cooler than I am. I went into the dressing room and came out in a little outfit I picked out that look okay. The girl was waiting outside the dressing room for me and as I looked in the mirror I sighed and said "nothing fits!" The girl just gave me a blank stare and said "I think it looks pretty good" to which I gave the standard response "it makes me look fat". The girls at the counter kind of looked back as they heard my declaration and the girl standing there said "well, you ARE fat." I was so confused. Did she really just say that? Is she fucking crazy? She's much bigger than me, why is she insulting me? "What???" I said. "You ARE fat. I know, it’s hard to hear, but someone had to tell me too." At this point I had no idea what to do, I was frozen with humiliation. "You're a big girl, and that’s okay, don’t be scared of it, that won’t do you any good. You have to embrace it and learn to dress accordingly. Those jeans you were wearing when you came in, what size are they?" she asked. I told her they were an 18 and she shook her head. "You are trying on size 18 jeans but they don’t fit you. You aren't a size 18, you are a 20, is it that hard to admit that? Holding on to that size 18 in your head doesn’t make you any skinnier, neither does that disgusting t-shirt that is way too small. No one can see the labels on your clothes, so even though in your head you are wearing an XL shirt and 18 jeans and you feel a few pounds lighter, to them you are just a fat girl in clothes that don’t fit. Try on a bigger shirt and a pair of 20s" Reluctantly and still a little shell shocked I let her show me to the bigger jeans and some daring tops that I would have never picked out for myself. To my surprise, when I put on the jeans they fit like a glove, perfect around my waist, I didn't have to suck my stomach in all the way to get them on and they didn’t tuck my fat in and cut off my circulation, I was impressed and the shirt showed a lot of cleavage but surprisingly, took the attention off my stomach and damn, I must say, I looked good. I came out and the girls at the desk clapped. They threw me in a pair of kitten heels to elongate my body and a new bra and sent me packing. I felt rejuvenated, just as I did after reading your blog.

Thanks for everything you said on there. It helped me find comfort in myself.

Shelley M.

Hi Shelley,

Yes it has been so long since I've posted on my blog. I guess you can say I've been in a bit of a slump. I lost 70 pounds over the course of about a year and a half and now I'm stuck in some holding pattern, my weight not budging. And this has gotten me down.

Thank you for emailing me. Your honest story about the clothes was great. And I know about Torrid - LOVE it! The whole thing about realizing - yes, I am fat - can be painful. But I find now when I look in the mirror after picking out some outfit that might not be the most flattering, and I say to myself, "OMG, I look fat!" Then I pause, look again, and say, "well, you are fat, get over it." It definitely takes a healthy dose of acceptance of our current fat bodies, before we can muster up the gusto to try to lose weight. It's kind of an oxymoron. You have to hate your fat enough to do something about it, but at the same time you have to love yourself enough to want to do it. It's tricky and complicated.

I just wanted to thank you again for your email. I've been stuck in this rut, and I must say your email made me smile and shook me out of my funk a bit. I am fat, so what? I don't like being fat, so I'll do something about. I just have to keep chanting this mantra. I think I've been stuck feeling sorry for my fat body lately, letting myself slip back into that "I'm fat, woe is me, now give me something to eat" mentality. Thanks for giving me a little jolt!

I think what people don't realize is that it's comments and emails like yours that totally help motivate me. I get a lot of thank yous from people saying how much I've helped them stay motivated, but really it works both ways! Thanks for sharing your story! We all need to find a way to feel comfortable in our own skins. Only then can we truly be ourselves!

Thanks again!

Jenny
AKA karaokekitty @ 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat

#101 – When will I stop being "fat"?

2009-01-09T15:10:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about this, and I wonder what your opinion on this is. At what point will I earn the right to stop calling myself fat? Is it when others stop calling me fat? Is there a weight limit? A BMI limit? Is it some abstract state of mind, only definable by me? Is it all of the above? I don't know. I know I'm definitely still fat. I'm cool with that. I've lost 70 pounds, with about... oh... 80+ more to go. I know this is a process, a journey, but when won't I be fat anymore? Sure I could go by the height and weight charts in the doctor’s office, or calculate my BMI, but that's just a number. I don't know, does it even matter? So many of my reasons why I hate being fat all have to do with me being self conscious... Are those people looking at me because I’m fat? Do men reject me because I'm fat? Do these jeans make me look fat... and are people looking? I CANNOT wear a swim suit in public! Sound familiar? Maybe we lose the fat moniker once our brains stop thinking we're fat. Maybe it's a personal thing for everyone. I think some people think they are totally fat when they are only 5 pounds over weight, while others don't feel fat until they are something like 50 pounds heavier. It's all a state of mind. But I don't know, maybe I'll always be a fat person. I don't mean physically, but mentally. This may be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. I mean what am I expecting to happen? Lose like 150 pounds and then keep it off with no effort? That's not gonna happen. It takes work to lose it and even more work to keep it off. I guess it just means I'll be a recovering fat-a-holic for the rest of my life. One day at time. Geesh, I think I need a 12-step program. Makes me think of that Serenity Prayer. Here's my version for the weight-challenged of the world:

God grant me the serenity
To make good food choices;
Courage to turn away from baked goods;
And energy to exercise daily.
Living healthy one day at a time;
Enjoying my journey;
Accepting that the road to wellness can be hard;
Taking the tools of better eating out into the world
As I should, free from the bad habits of the past;
Trusting that making wise decisions today will pay off tomorrow;
If I surrender to my will
I will not beat myself up in this life and the next
But I will remember that this is a life long journey;
A journey that is well worth every pound lost.

All kidding aside, I think that really sums it up. It will be hard to make good choices everyday, but just take it one day at a time and never give up. And don't beat yourself up so much! Life is hard, weight loss is hard, being healthy takes a lot of time and effort, so any energy you put into it is awesome! Pat yourself on the back! This is a life long journey of many tiny changes to your old habits. I'm a firm believer in making VERY small changes. Clearly all those fad diets didn't work for us. Sure maybe you lost a little weight, but did you keep it off? I think it's all about the little changes. You can sustain little changes forever. An extra glass of water a day? Easy peasy. An extra serving or two of veggies daily? Piece of cake (oh God, don't let me get started on cake... ). OK then... a smaller piece of cake at the next birthday party. Simple. You get the idea. It just takes teenie tiny changes like these, that over time will add up to something significant - a more healthy you! Sure you won't lose weight as fast as that fasting diet, but the changes in your body will last a life time.

Hi. My name is Jenny. And I'm a recovering fat-a-holic.

******

OK, I think I just heard a collective gasp as you all realized that was post number 101. I know what you’re thinking. Is she going to stop posting now?!? Is it over?!? Well, let me reassure you I don’t plan on stopping yet. Why? Well… have I reached my goal yet? No way. Do I still have reasons why I hate being fat? You betcha! So never fear, 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat will go on. I guess I just need to start over… Another 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat!

#100 - Blaming something else for my weight gain

2008-12-31T14:45:00.002-05:00

This is going to be a difficult post to read. It's a difficult post to write. But it's something that needs to be said. We all got fat for a reason. It didn't just happen. Sure, there is a small percentage of people that gain weight due to medical reasons, but I'm betting you and I are not one of them. We gained weight mostly due to emotions. Food is a great coping tool for life. It makes you happy when you are sad (gotta love the calming effects of the carbohydrate). It gives you company when you are bored or lonely. It lifts you up on a down day. Food is always there for you. Food is awesome that way. But there is the flip side. Food will let you down in the end. It's not the miracle cure to all of life's problems. Food will trap you. Once you start to overeat, you need more and more food to satisfy you. And like a junkie, you keep going back for your fix. Food can be a drug, plain and simple. You need to be careful how you use it. Food is meant to nourish our bodies and keep us alive. But we've turned food into this tool to help us get through the bad times.

I suspect if you are like me, it took some pretty bad times to get you where you are today. Why did you turn to food? I truly don't think we can lose this weight until we face up to why we got fat in the first place. It's so easy to blame something else for our weight. "It's genetic." "I have big bones." "I don't like to waste food." "I quit smoking and gained weight." "I have a medical condition that makes me gain weight." "I don't have time to watch my weight." "I don't like to exercise." Sorry, but I think all of those excuses are crap. It was a choice. You chose to become fat. Sure, you didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I wanna be fat now!" Of course not, but you chose to overuse food for whatever reason got you started. You say it's genetics? Ok so you were dealt a bad genetic hand. That only means you need to watch your weight more closely. Some people can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. You are not one of those people. You know it. So choose. Fall back on your excuse, or work at it. You say it's medical? Then get to a doctor and solve the problem. So many people fall on this excuse, but it is VERY rare to have a medical condition that makes you morbidly obese. Sure there are lots of medications and conditions that can predispose you to gain a bit of weight (a bit, like maybe 20 pounds), but true medical conditions causing you to gain 100+ pounds are very rare. Again, you choose. Excuse? Life?

I hate to be so brutal, but it's the brutal facts. We make choices. And we've apparently made some bad choices. But it's not the end of the world, it's not game over, we can fix the problem. We can choose to use food in a more normal way. Remember, food is there to keep us alive and nourish us. It's not an emotional coping tool. This brings me back to the real reason most of us got fat. Emotions. We hate to admit it, but food was there when we were down, and it temporary lifted us up out of whatever crap we were going through. So why did I get fat? This is the hard part to write. To actually put down on paper and share with the world why I got fat. When I was a little girl I was sexually abused by a relative. It went unnoticed for seven years. I hid what was happening to me out of fear and shame. I was a little girl. I was brainwashed into thinking I would destroy the family if I said anything. And I believed that. I thought it all must have been my fault. Initially I didn't use food to deal. Though I was taught food was a reward for my silence. I got an ice cream cone after every time. Sad huh? But my way to cope overall was by becoming the perfect child. Perfect student. Perfect friend. Perfect clothes. Perfect life. Perfect everything. It's pretty hard to be perfect all the time. Finally when I was fourteen years old, I snapped. I basically had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop screaming and crying. Of course my parents freaked out trying to figure out what had happened to their perfect child. Ironically, my father was a psychologist, and it wasn't long before my parents figured it out. I couldn't utter the words, but they knew. They knew there was only one thing that would make a girl fall apart so bad. We went to the police. We did everything you do in this situation. I started therapy. But after all of this, I was numb. My whole life seemed false. I wasn't that perfect child. I was just me. Was just me good enough? I didn't think so anymore. All the threats that had been whispered to me came true. My family was destroyed, everything fell apart. My immediate family broke off from the extended family, and became isolated. He was right, I wrecked everything. Of course that was what I was thinking then, I don't think that now. It was all his fault. No question. But I took on all the blame. That is a lot for a fourteen year old to deal with. And so it began. I made the choice. Ironically, I used food just like he had taught me. Feel bad... eat an ice cream cone, and so on and so on. I gained all that weight to protect me from the world. If you are fat, you are less desirable. Who wants a fat girl? I was safe.

Does this story sound familiar? I wouldn't be surprised if it does. It's estimated that 25% of obese people have been sexually abused. Only 6% of the thin population have had the same experience. It's even been shown that people with a history of sexual abuse have a harder time losing and maintaining weight loss. Any small failure or set back seems like the end of the world and we quit. Food is so much easier.The choice seems so easy when you feel so bad. But where does it get you in the end? Food lies. It's a quick fix. In the end, you are more fat, more miserable, and have less self-esteem than when you started. It's a bad choice. I can sit back and blame my life's events for my weight. I can eat all my problems away. Trust me, I've done that! But I won't do it anymore. I went through therapy, I dealt with everything that happened, I came to terms with my life, and I'm moving on and choosing to live. Unfortunately my body hasn't quite caught up with my brain, but I'm working on it. For me, the fat is kind of like the scar left behind after everything. I'm still healing, and slowly the scar is starting to fade. Maybe someday, you wont even notice the scar anymore. Everyday I make a choice now. Fall back on bad habits or move forward. I choose. What do you choose?

Check out this cool book!

2008-12-10T08:01:00.002-05:00

Hey guys, I thought I'd tell you about a new book out called Blog Blazers. It's a new book about influential bloggers out there blogging right now. It's an interview-style book giving you tips on how to make a successful blog.

The author, Stephane Grenier, asks lots of cool questions about blogging such as:
- What's your best tip for writing a successful blog post?
- What are your main avenues for marketing your blog?
- What was your most successful blog post ever?
- What's the most common mistake new bloggers make?
- What turns you off most when visiting a blog?
- What's the best way to make money from your blog?
- Which books and websites do you recommend to new bloggers?
- Which five blogs do you regularly read?
- and many more!

OK and now for a little self promotion - I was picked as one of the bloggers the author interviewed! How cool is that!? Anyway, check it out! It's a great read.

#99 - Being Hypersensitive

2008-11-04T16:20:00.002-05:00

I hate than when I'm fat, I find I'm so sensitive to what people around me are saying. I always assume some hidden meaning in every little sentence. Like it's not bad enough I think people are looking at me because I'm fat, now I think they're somehow giving me some message in secret code when they talk to me. Here's an example.

Coffee shop worker: Good morning. What can I get you ma'am?
Me: I'd like a medium iced latte.
Coffee shop worker: Would you like a large instead?

There, she said it. "Large" Is she insinuating something? Is she implying I'm large? What does she mean by that? Of course she means absolutely nothing. She's been told by countless managers to try to up sell on every order in an attempt to make more bank in this hideous economy. I know this, but of course I always jump to conclusions.

My list of examples like this goes on and on. Why the hell am I so damn sensitive? I know, I know. Yet AGAIN another fat = low self-esteem issue. What's the big deal, why can't I get over it? (hmm I said 'big', did I mean something by that?) I suppose anyone with any kind of hang up does this. I suppose if you are self conscious cause you are too skinny (God, wish that was my problem), every mention of tiny or small or little sends shivers up your spine. I swear, no one can say anything around me related to size without me thinking way into it. Big, large, huge, fat, round, immense, enormous, ample, bulky, giant, hefty, wide, voluminous... Every time I hear these words... nails on the chalk board. I always think people are out to personally attack me. How dumb. I know that's not true. Like people walk around with a personal agenda to figure out how to spoil my day, mmhmm, yeah right.

Is it just fat people, or does everyone do this? Weigh in and let me know (... there I go again, why do I keep mentioning weight? lol).

Speaking of overly sensitive... my bathroom scale... oh the horror! So I told you last time I FINALLY gave up my fairy tale magic scale, that used to miraculously make me weigh less. Well, I gave up my very last piece of denial about my weight. So what's the verdict? Yup, you guessed it, I'm fat! Apparently the magic scale was off by 37 pounds... THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS!!! At least I'm not deluding myself anymore into thinking I actually weighed 240 pounds... nope, it's just not true. I must say, over the the past week, I feel like I gained 40 pounds. Yeah I know it's only a stupid number, but it got to me. I was so excited weighing myself and seeing 230s and 240s (I know that is still really heavy to some people, but when you've been over 300, that's an accomplishment!). But now that I get on the scale and see (gulp) 282 this morning (clearly all the Halloween candy, cookies, take out, etc, etc, has had it's toll lately! Time to get back on track!!), I have this heaviness I had back when my magic scale said I weighed 282. Isn't that weird? Weight loss is so psychological. I did not change one bit from one day to the next physically, but seeing a larger number makes me feel like I took 40 steps backwards, like I failed or something! Ugh! I keep reminding myself that I've still lost SO MUCH WEIGHT! But then that makes me think... hmm before I thought my highest weight was 315... the scale was off by 37 pounds... that means my highest weight was actually 352... Then I think, "Good God, I was that fat? Jesus!" Isn't that stupid? Thinking about that even makes me feel bad. But I am still motivated. The hurdle I have to jump is a little higher than I thought, but I'm up for the challenge! Realistically, I have another 100+ pounds to lose (*deep breath*). I've come this far already, I'm not going to let a little mind game psych me out. I know I can do it in time. I've been at this for 2 years now. I've lost 70 pounds (used to 80 until my little Halloween fiasco lol - fun size candy bars are the devil!). I've been through ups and downs, but I always manage to come back to the path of better health. I'm going to keep at it, probably for another few years, but I know in the end it will be well worth the struggle and effort. There's no denying that!

#98 - Numbers

2008-10-22T16:04:00.002-04:00

We are surrounded by numbers in our everyday lives. We always talk about numbers: days, weeks, months, years, hours, minutes, seconds, phone numbers, clothes size, number of calories, 8 glasses of water a day, 5 fruits and veggies, percentages at the polls, electoral college votes, the national debt! 99 bottles of beer on the wall? OK maybe a stretch, but you get the idea. Numbers, numbers, numbers! I hate that we are consumed by them!

It's no wonder we are all so fixated on weight, the number I mean. We are constantly surrounded by numbers and we're always making little calculations throughout the day. Who hasn't thought about (or been told what should be) their ideal weight. But are we striving for the right number? Do know where those height and weight charts originally came from? An insurance company!!! Metropolitan Life Insurance Company first developed these height and weight charts back in 1943, which were then revised in 1983. How objective could they have been when doing their calculations? When they came up with these tables they called them desirable weights, meaning that at this weight you had the lowest risk of mortality. Remember this is a life insurance company, they DON'T want you to die, therefore the weight ranges are very conservative. Somewhere along the way these desirable weights became ideal weights, and they've stuck ever since. Here's something that may surprise you. Those height and weight charts specify your weight in clothes (add 3 pounds for women, 5 pounds for men) with 1" heels on. I guess I should have been looking at the 5'7" ranges instead of 5'6" all these years. Who knew? But I have to admit there is some validity to these charts. They do give you weight ranges for the lowest mortality rates. But I think we sometimes take these numbers too seriously and literally. Not everyone fits into the same mold. Clearly there are different frame sizes, different builds, muscle volume, etc. I think you need to find a weight where you are happy and healthy AND it's a weight you can maintain.

Another little random fact about numbers... do you know the origin of the claim that we need to drink 8 glasses of water a day? No one else does either. It's a myth! Of course it's healthy to stay hydrated, but 8 glasses? There is no scientific proof that much is needed! One paper studied this very question (8x8 article). They couldn't find the origin either, but quoted the Food and Nutrition Board of the National Research Council from 1945, which stated, "A suitable allowance of water for adults is 2.5 liters daily in most instances. An ordinary standard for diverse persons is 1 milliliter for each calorie of food [about 8 glasses a day, in other words]. Most of this quantity is contain in prepared foods." Sure they say drink 8 glasses, but right there they state you get most of this from your food. For some reason the 8 glasses rule stuck after this. I still think it's good to drink a lot of water every day, just maybe not THAT much. For one, it's hard to get in all that water every day, and two, you have to pee all damn day! But alas, there are health benefits to a high liquid intake. The prevalence of many cancers, like urinary cancer and colorectal cancer, are reduced in people who drink a lot, and heart disease seems to improve with increased intake. Also water is filling, if you are drinking that much, you probably are eating less, which can definitely help you lose weight. So while the benefits are there, that end all be all number of 8 glasses a day is bogus.

So back to these numbers... my numbers... I try very hard to not concentrate so much on weight, the actual number. I like to think more about progress in terms of how my clothes fit or how good I'm feeling. But even I fall under the spell of my scale as I hypnotically weigh myself, waiting for my defining number to appear. I'm sure you remember me talking about my "magic scale". I have this scale that is WAY off from the doctor's office scale. It's my weight in fairy dream land.. in other words, it weighs me about 30 pounds lighter. Gotta love that, right? Well, in my journey for wellness, part of it has been coming to terms with things in my life and living with a little less denial. That being said... it was time for the magic scale to go.

I've lost 80 pounds (yes, I know, another number). No scale can change that. Sure the number may be a little higher than I thought, but that also means the starting number was higher too. I still have lost 80 pounds! I actually had to make two trips to buy a new bathroom scale. Trip #1 consisted of me heading to the scale section of the department store, trying out a few scales, lowering my head in shame, and walking out to my car and crying. It really hit me hard to see the "real" number on the scale. It was jarring. Well, I managed to muster up the courage and made the attempt again. I put on my emotional blinders, muttering my mantra, "I've lost 80 pounds, I've lost 80 pounds...", and made a bee-line for the scales. I again tried out a couple. Usually when picking out a house-hold item, I hem and haw about the features, the price, the design, whatever, I'm picky I guess. But this time, I plunked a couple scales onto the ground, stepped on a few, took a deep breath, and grabbed one off the shelf and whisked it into my cart with little effort or thought. Like a bandaid, I just had to tear away the magic scale from my life in one fail swoop! With new scale in hand, I'm ready to continue my journey to a healthier me... a little more accurately.

#97 - Feeling like an outsider

2008-09-23T22:09:00.001-04:00

Why is it that when I'm fat, I feel like a total outsider in life? I feel like I'm always sitting out on the sidelines, waiting for something to happen. I'm like this lurker through life, just sitting back and observing. I've said before that fat people are invisible to the world, but really, fat people do what ever they can to make themselves invisible. Are we really being ignored, or are we hiding ourselves from life?

Sometimes I feel like the sidekick in my own life when I should be the headliner! Why do we let this happen? Why do we let shame and embarrassment and all that other crap that comes with being overweight get in the way, why do we let those feelings rule our lives? I feel like I have to force myself out of my cocoon every once in a while and face life as me, the star of my life, instead of sulking back in the shadows, watching life pass me by. Is it like this for everyone in life? Do we all have to make an effort to be assertive? Or is this, yet again, another self esteem issue brought on by obesity? I seem to know a lot of heavy people that fit into this category. Most of the skinny people I know seem pretty confident with themselves. Life seems easy for them. OK OK, I know I'm generalizing! I'm sure there are plenty of self-conscience skinny people and just as many confident fat people. But maybe it is easier for the thin person to be confident, because they never get the leers and jeers that fat people have to deal with. If you are a confident fat person, you have an amazing sense of self worth. It means not only are you able to look past all the crap life throws at us, but you are also able to deal with the onslaught on insults that fat people deal with, letting all of that roll off your back. If you are one of those people, hats off to you! I struggle everyday to be that type of confident person.

This whole idea of feeling like an outsider came to me as I was sitting on the train, riding back from a business meeting. I could see all these confident business people around me, and I sat there lurking in the shadows, trying yet again to make myself fat self invisible. How is that all these business people can be so confident? I felt like I didn't fit into that crowd of business types, but really I did. The funny thing is, I am one of those business people. I have every right to call myself a successful business person, but I sat there on the train thinking I was less than the people I saw around me. Any why? Because they were thinner than me? How stupid! I'm a smart woman! The outside is NOT what counts! Confidence, don't fail me now!

Yes, I know it's been ages since I've posted. I've been crazy busy at work, leaving me little time to relax let alone write. But I'm back! Never fear, I haven't given up. So... update time. Since I last blogged, I've lost another 6 pounds (that's a rate of 3 pounds lost per month, slow but steady!). I had a funny revelation on the train today. I got up from my seat and nearly walked out of my pants. Seriously. When you start rolling the waistband of your pants over 3 times to keep them from falling off... it's time to buy new work clothes! I guess I'm just trying to get as much life out of them as I can. But just imagine how I would have looked on the train if I had lost my pants. I could picture myself standing there in the aisle with my pants around my ankles... That would have been hilarious! Honestly, I don't think I would have been mortified like some people may have been if their pants dropped to the floor. I would be laughing my ass off! I guess that's one way I've learned to cope with life. Sometimes the best thing to do in life is laugh! Maybe sometimes I struggle to be the star in my own life, but at least I have the comic relief down.

#96 - Going to concerts...

2008-07-26T14:03:00.001-04:00

One thing I really hate about being fat is that I simply take up too much space. While everyone around me seems to fit into a nice little package, I'm sitting there like a giant blob. Every time I've gone to a concert or some kind of stadium event I feel totally cramped into my little seat. Clearly seating in these places was designed for the average 160 person. I feel bad about it. I feel bad that my girth hangs over to neighboring seats. I feel like I encroach on my neighbors personal space. So every time I go to a concert or anything I always get an aisle seat, that way I can lean a bit to the side to accommodate my seat mate. Being fat can be so embarrassing. Haven't you ever got on a plane or gone to a concert and seen the look on the persons face sitting next to you? As you walk down the aisle you can see them thinking, "Don't sit by me, don't sit by me..." And then the little frown as you plop down next to them. Embarrassing. I hate that I have to plan ahead just because I'm fat. I've even turned down free tickets to a concert because I knew they weren't aisle seats. Isn't that crazy? Free tickets! But no... too embarrassed to squeeze into the spot. Of course I've done it, that's why I know it's awful. You sit in the middle of the row, futility squeezing your arms together, attempting to take up less space. You can manage to do it, but most of the concert is spent in total discomfort, and by the end of the concert you are totally sore from all the contorting you have done trying to make your body smaller. How sad! I hate being fat!

My quest for a smaller body is chugging along. I'm still losing weight, albeit slowly (which is GOOD!). This time around I'm not racing to lose the weight, cause clearly that has never worked for me in the past. I can lose weight pretty easy, but I'm terrible at keeping it off. I always seem to gain back any weight I've lost plus 10 pounds. Doing this over and over and over again shot me all the way up to 315 pounds at one point. My goals now are very, very small. Eat better, try to move more, and see if I can manage to lose 0.5-1 pound per week (2-4 pound/month). That probably sounds super slow to some of you, but every doctor I've talked to is wicked happy with that slow progress. All the research I've read indicates that the slowest weight loss is the easiest to maintain. Why is that? One reason is the body's set point. Your body gets used to being a certain weight. Say you're 225 pounds. You diet and fast and lose 25 pounds in a couple weeks. Your brain still thinks you should weigh 225 pounds. So basically it's fighting against you, trying desperately to get you back to 225 pounds. It's thinks you're starving. So your weight loss slows, your appetite increases, and low and behold, you gain the weight back within months. There are various technical/medical reasons behind this. I won't get into all of it, but one thing that happens is your body makes a certain amount of insulin based on how much you eat. Insulin is the chemical that breaks down the sugars you eat. So your body is plodding along make a ton of insulin every day since you eat a lot. Then one day you stop eating (or start eating very little). You have less sugar in your bloodstream, but still have the same amount of insulin, too much insulin. What happens? Your blood sugar ends up dropping too low, and you feel hungry, cranky, irritable, and miserable. Don't you love dieting? Over time, your body will start making less insulin, but this is a slow process. Alternatively, if you lose the weight very slowly, you can trick your body. The body adapts VERY slowly to weight fluctuations. Eating a little less over time can help you get through this adaptation phase. This is just one example. Metabolism is pretty complex, but needless to say, it takes slow weight loss for the body to get used to the idea of being smaller. Crash diet and your body will think you are starving and do what ever it can to get you back up to that higher set point weight. So slow down! It's not a race! Eventually, overtime, you can whittle your body down to the point where you'll take up less space. Maybe even to the point where you can comfortably sit in the middle of the row at a concert once again!

#95 - Denial...

2008-07-18T20:57:00.003-04:00

I hate that sometimes I have no clue. Does this sound familiar?

Those cookies won't be THAT bad for me.
A third helping of dinner? I was hungry!
250 pounds? That's not THAT bad I suppose.
I look fine in these jeans/shirt/skirt/dress/shorts.
These pants aren't THAT tight.
I'm not THAT unhealthy.
I walk around every day. I guess that's exercise.
My sore knees aren't from the weight. Everyone has aches and pains.
I'll start my diet tomorrow/next week/next month/at New Years.
Ice cream counts towards my daily dairy intake.
Cheetos have cheese in them. That's healthy.
I'm big boned.
Obesity runs in my family. I can't help it.

Something really got me thinking about denial... My bathroom scale. I've devoted whole posts about my bathroom scale and the love/hate relationship I have with it. Right now, I'm loving it. It tells me wonderful things about myself. I'm losing weight. But what truly is my weight? (Denial time) As you can see from my stats I started at 315 and now I'm down to 243. Yes, I have lost 72 pounds. There is no arguing that. But how accurate is the scale? Not very accurate actually. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago to be reminded of JUST how inaccurate my scale is. I know the scale is TOTALLY off. But hell, it keeps me motivated to see the smaller number. Denial? You betcha! At the doctors office my weight was about 30 pounds higher. Sure I can probably account for 5 pounds in jeans and a little higher day time weight... but the other 25 pounds? Denial. My scale even has a nickname... The magic scale. Because it magically makes you light as air! Should I get a new scale and actually come to terms with the fact that I'm REALLY 25 pounds heavier? Hmmm... good question. Seeing 243 does motivate me to continue. What would seeing 268 do to my psyche? Would I be so bummed, like I had actually gained the weight back or something? That is the fear. So the denial continues. Like I said before, there is no arguing... I've lost 72 pounds! That is still something! So really my highest weight was more like 340. And I'm still losing. But to continue with the magic scale or face reality? I'm always talking about confidence, and how important it is. What will seeing my weight 25 pounds higher do to my confidence? I know it's not all about some dumb number, but we always seem to come back to it. I kind of feel like Samson. My magic scale is like Samson's confidence building hair. I'm afraid of what will happen when I cut the magic scale out of my life and see the TRUE weight. Gulp. I told my little tale to one of my doctors. He just laughed and said to keep the scale, so what if it was inaccurate, at least it was showing weight loss and that was what was important. Maybe it's ok. I suppose he's right. The weight loss is all that matters. And I do know that once I reach my "goal" it wont truly be my goal. I'll have 25 pounds more to go. I'm definitely not in denial about that. I think I've dealt with most of my fat denial issues except this one. Maybe once I've gotten rid of the magic scale and faced the truth, then I'll truly be past all the denial. But for now? Well... It's not THAT much denial... I'm 243 pounds. *smiles* Yeah right, that's the ticket!

#94 - Going to the beach

2008-06-27T07:56:00.000-04:00

I managed to swallow my pride and slip into my capri pants this season despite my hesitation. By no means am I comfortable wearing them, well... physically comfortable, yes, emotionally comfortable, no. I was starting to think the other day, as the hot sun was making me melt, that it's getting time to hit the beach. Ugh, the beach. A fat girl's worst nightmare. We spend the whole year trying to cover up our fat with long tunics, black attire, and layered looks. But at the beach there is no hiding! I don't care what kind of "slimming" swim suit you find, you still are exposed. I hate that! I really don't relish the idea of showing off my cellulite to the world.

But it's not even just the fact that I have to bare my, well, everything in a bathing suit, it's more. I love walking along the beach, looking at all the shells and creatures at the shore edge, but honestly, even the walking can be tough sometimes. The reason: the sand. My thin counterparts flit along the beach, seeming to have no problem walking in the sand, while I, on the other hand, sink deep into the sand with every step. Is this a beach or quicksand? So with every step it takes mammoth strength to free myself from the grasp of the beach sand. Does this happen to you too? Or am I just some weird freak of nature, incapable of walking in the sand? I do know that exercise experts say walking on the beach is extremely healthy for the reason that it IS hard to walk on. I guess even skinny people sink a bit into the sand as they walk, but come on, I leave holes in the beach when I walk. OK, maybe it's not that bad, but it sometimes feels that way.

There is other stuff I feel I can't do at the beach when I'm heavy. I live along water and the other day my boyfriend and I were out watching jet-skiers zip by. That looked like tons of fun, but in my mind, I said, "yeah I'm probably too fat to do that." Probably not true, but it's those awkward moments when you are in the jet-ski rental shop when they ask you your weight or you see a maximum weight limit for the jet-skis (which of course shows you are too heavy). It's mostly moments like those that keep me from doing adventurous things. The total fear of embarrassment.

The one thing I do like about going to the beach is the actual swimming. Being fat has it's benefits here. While everyone is exhausted from swimming and treading water, I can stay in the water for hours if desired without tiring. Why? Well, fat floats. So I can hide my cellulite beneath the waves and enjoy the sun and surf while getting a little exercise with swimming and floating around. It's this that keeps me coming back to the beach despite the embarrassment of baring my ass. But at some point you need to get out of the water. Staying in the water too long will turn you into a total prune, and pruney cellulite is not a pretty sight.

At some point in my day of embarrassment at the beach, I get over it, I suck it up, get out of the water, and bask in the sun like everyone else. You have every right to enjoy a day at the beach like everyone else. A little embarrassment shouldn't hold you back from the things you like to do, ever! If it helps you to get over the embarrassment, make sure you swim a lot, then you can consider your day at the beach as exercise. I live a little more than a mile from the public beach. I know that first visit to the beach will be the toughest. I'll feel every eye on me, assuming they are all judging me because I'm fat. I think the important thing here to remember is that NO ONE likes wearing a swim suit. How many skinny girls have you heard bitching about swim suit season? When you think someone is staring at you, realize it might be the opposite, that they might we wondering what you think of them. Get over the fear of embarrassment, enjoy the summer, enjoy the beach, enjoy life! Being trapped inside yourself with all these fears just isn't worth it. Keep reminding yourself of what you've done and what you are doing. Feeling like you're being judged by evil stares from strangers? Well screw them! Remind yourself that you are working on losing weight and getting healthy, you've lost 5 pounds, 10 pounds, 20, 50, 100+. It will never matter what "those" people think. The only thing that matters is you. How do you feel about yourself? Are you confident? Are you strong? Are you happy? Maybe it will take a little bruised ego and a little getting over your fears, but get on that swim suit and get down to the beach! You know I'll be there. I might be trying to dig my feet out of the sand, but I'll be there!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2008-06-13T19:05:00.002-04:00

OMG this comment had me laughing at my desk today! And it is SO true. Thanks Shanna for making ME laugh this time!

Shanna signed this to my guestbook today:

You are hilarious! Thanks for making me giggle today! Hey, here is another reason I hate being fat: No such thing as "skinny" jeans. I mean, come on! I really hate that phrase. I only have fat jeans and makes-my-bootie-a-little-less-ginormous jeans.

Wow, don't you agree? When was the last time you could say you fit into skinny jeans? I'm with Shanna, screw the "skinny" jeans, I just want ones that don't make my butt look so fat!

Well that makes me think... my defintition of "skinny" jeans has creeped up and up over the years. "Skinny" jeans used to be size 9 when I was in high school, then in college 16 was my "skinny" jeans, now... well... geesh I consider 20's my skinny jeans. The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it? We are never happy with where we are. Even "skinny" girls have "skinnier" jeans that they wish they could wiggle into. What a horrible concept, "skinny" jeans. Ugh.

You can't pick up a woman's magazine these days without reading about skinny jeans. There is always some article on finding the perfect jeans, or a diet to help you fit into those elusive jeans, or some crazy way to shrink your butt enough to wear skinny jeans. We are so brainwashed on this topic. I guess the one point I do like about the concept of "skinny" jeans, is that it isn't focusing on weight, the actual number I mean. I think your size is a great way to gauge weight and weight loss. Sometimes striving for that "skinny" weight is crazy, when really you might fit into those "skinny" jeans at a higher weight than you though possible. The way your clothes fit is a great way to track your progress. That's mostly what I do now. Sure I do weigh myself. By the way, I've cracked the daily weighing habit, I'm now at about once every week or two. But I do follow how my clothes fit more closely. Thankfully my clothes have been getting too big (or not thankfully to my poor pocket book since I need new clothes). I pulled out a shirt that I had been wearing since this winter and I swear it's starting to look like a maternity top. And no, I don't mean my tummy is getting that big, I mean the shirt is way too volumnious.

The other day I was seaching my house high and low for my capri pants. I really hate capris, but it's summer, I'm hot, there is no alternative unless I want to melt into a pile a slimy goo by days end. Anyway, I just couldnt find them. Finally I called my mom and asked her if she knew where I put them (my mom lived with me for a bit, that's why she might know). She had to remind me that I gave all my summer shorts and capris away to the Good Will last year. I was like, "OMG why did I do that?" She pleasantly reminded me that they were all sized 26-30! Wow I had totally forgot that. I'm into a 22 nowadays, so it would be pretty hard to hold up those big pants now! But that really got me thinking, just a couple years ago, size 22 were my "skinny" jeans. Maybe I need to stop and reflect more on the progress I have made already and appreciate that I AM in my "skinny" jeans.

Read the last Mail Bag post

#93 - Overdeveloped Calf Muscles

2008-06-09T11:16:00.002-04:00

So I've been away for the past week on a business trip in San Francisco. Every day I find myself trudging around the massive convention center here, so much so that by the end of the day my poor legs and feet are aching. It takes a lot of work to carry around all this excess weight, doesn't it? All this work leads to excess muscle from carry such a heavy load. With summer upon us now I've been dipping into my shorts collection - yes I sometimes dare to bare my legs, though mostly at home for fear that little children will run screaming, shocked by my thunder thighs (of course it's not that bad - just my imagination). Part of the reason I'm so shy to show off my stems is overdeveloped calf muscles. From years of lugging around all this heavy fat, I've gained a ton of calf muscles. I'm sure skinny guys out there are jealous of my Popeye-like bulging calves, but to a woman, they are hideous! And as I lose weight I find that the muscles aren't going away. At least not fast enough. I suppose the one good thing about extra muscles is that muscle burns a lot more calories than fat. So I guess I'm happy I have muscular legs as opposed to fatty legs, but still. I'd prefer less Hulk-like muscles peaking out from under my capris. I know with time as the load of my fat diminishes, I'll lose that excess muscle. But in the mean time, I suppose all I can do is bitch about it.

So I'm getting to this point again, as I always do, where I stop losing weight but think I'm eating the right things. Sometimes I don't get it. I can have a really light eating day, but the weight won't budge. And deep down, I know why. If you've been following my blog you'll know I abhor exercise. I know, I know. It's the best thing for me, it will make me feel great, it will boost my metabolism, and it will help kick this plateau. Yeah sounds great... or not. My activation energy for starting an exercise program is SO high. It's like pulling teeth. I can think of every excuse in the book to avoid exercise. Why do we run from exercise (no pun intended)? I think for me it's the pain. I mean honestly, I feel like total shit when I start working out. Why would I choose to put myself through that? At least that's my usual excuse. I'm sure part of the problem is that I start out too hard. Don't we all? We think we need to work out everyday for like an hour, cause that's what the guidelines say you need to do to lose weight. And for some reason I think working out means you need to be breathless and red-faced (clearly NOT true, but somehow I've come to think this). You don't need to work out so hard that you give yourself a heart attack. Very light exercise can be incredibly beneficial at the start. And sometimes I think that I don't want my muscles to get ANY bigger, like I need more calf muscle!!! But cardio won't make you gain muscle, it's just going to help you burn calories and increase your metabolism.

But how can you ask a completely sedentary person that is 200, 250, 300, 350, 400+ pounds... to start working out 60 min a day? I know they say you should start out slow. But how slow is too slow? Can you gain benefit from 10 minutes of exercise a day? Experts say yes. Even starting that slow will help you over time. If nothing, it will help you build your endurance so that over time (and I mean a long time - like months/years) you may be able to work up to an hour a day. But I don't know why I get it stuck in my head that 10 min a day is worthless. I guess just another excuse to avoid exercise. Really though I suppose exercise doesn't need to be this painful thing we need to avoid. I mean can you walk around your house for 10 min? Can you walk to the mailbox? Do you walk through the mall? This is all exercise. We just need to do 10 min more than we normally do each day to see the benefits begin. Maybe after a week, 10 min will seem to easy. So up the walk to 15 min, then 20, then 30, then 45 or more. If you don't have that much time, is that your excuse, then up your pace instead. Were you walking turtle slow for 10 min? Try walking a little faster next time, but still for only 10 min. There are so many ways to incorporate exercise into our lives. We just don't do it.

I guess our default is to be lazy. But in all truth, exercise will give you more energy. I speak from experience. When I exercise, I'm more perky and energetic and the choice to exercise more seems so easy. It's just the starting. That's the hardest part. I'll be honest, I'm right there with you right now. I am not exercising right now. I'm tired all the time. I'm lethargic. Frankly, I'm lazy. And I KNOW, if I was exercising all of that will go away. But why oh why is it so hard to get over that first hurdle to choose to exercise. This conference I'm at right now has actually helped me see the light. I've been walking a TON everyday, way more than I ever do in my normal daily life. Sure at the end of the day I'm beat, but I've been sleeping better, I've actually felt more energy during the day, and it's making me think twice about grabbing for junk food (I always seem to crave healthy food when I exercise). I should really use this experience as a jumping off point for starting to exercise regularly again. I've already started walking more than I usually do, now I just need to keep it up. I really have no excuse either. I live right on the water, I have a great place to walk along the beach, I have a great boyfriend that loves to exercise, I have NO EXCUSE. OK you heard it here, I will start walking again. Wednesday when I get back from this trip, I will go for a walk. I'm making the pledge, will you? Can you get up and walk just 10 minutes today? At some point we just need to stop listening to that little voice inside our heads feeding us all those excuses and just do it. Get up and get those overdeveloped calf muscles working!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2008-06-03T16:08:00.006-04:00

You know I get some really great comments and sometimes they really strike a cord within me. Today I got a great comment from Susan:

Susan's comment regarding post "#92 - Fat Acceptance Organizations"

... as for your advice about moving on, I'm going through a tough period myself at the moment and your words came at exactly the right time. Many people in your situation would have (re)turned to food for comfort - but you haven't! I admire you so much for that.

You are so right Susan. It's so easy to turn back to food to comfort us in times of need. But that is part of overcoming fatness - learning to find other ways to cope with life's hurdles that don't include food. I suppose a few years ago I would have made myself feel better with a box of Chips Ahoy, but now I find other ways. Of course, blogging helps. I'm a firm believer in talking out your problems. If you don't have someone in your life you can confide in and discuss all the crap life has thrown you, write a blog or journal. Even talking things out to yourself really helps. Hehe, honestly I can't tell you how many times I've worked things out in my head by myself... yes that means I do talk to myself. But what the hell, it's healthy, isn't it? Just get it out. Really it's about distraction. Find an outlet for release. For me it's talking and journaling, some like exercise (yeah just what I'm thinking too... yeah right... not for me), some watch TV, play the computer, talk on the phone, whatever... just know that eating isn't going to make your problems go away... it's not going to make you feel better... actually it will make you feel worse from the added guilt.

I think too many of us have bottled up life's problems and try to keep stuffing the feelings down by stuffing our faces. It really doesn't help. Sure, maybe for a half hour or hour after downing a bunch of junk food you feel fantastic. The seretonin (feel good neurotransmitter in the brain) rush you get from consuming massive quantities of carbs will temporarily take away the pain... I can't stress enough... temporarily! Then you start to come off your sugar high and crash and feel like crap all over again. How many of us have lived this over and over again? Feel bad, eat something to feel better, feel awesome for a bit, crash, feel bad, eat something to feel better, la la la la la. Over and over again, I lived this cycle, til finally it occurred to me it wasn't working. The food really wasn't making me feel ANY better.

So yes, I've had a really rough past few months. Did I turn to food ever? Sure, I'm human. But I never let it go too far. I don't let a little slip up, crumble all of my progress to the ground. With eating right, I NEVER tell myself I CAN'T have something... I'm like a rebellious kid... tell me I can't and of course that's all I want. So I let myself have whatever I want in moderation. And no, a whole bag of cookies is NOT moderation. But sure, I have to admit sometimes when I've been down and wanted a wee pick me up, I did turn to food. I'll tell you though, it's really hard not to fall into old habits. But I keep telling myself... Food will not take away the pain... EVER! And then I find something else to do, I move on, and I cope, sans food. And through all of this I have not gained weight... ok not entirely true... I went up five pounds... then right back down so I'm right where I was before all this. Actually I hopped on the scale yesterday and saw a number I hadn't seen in years... 249. So actually through all this I lost a pound. Ok maybe by some people's standards losing 1 pound in the past 8 months is terrible progress, well poo poo on you! Frankly I'm proud of the fact that I've just been able to maintain through all of this, and now I'm starting to lose again. I never set out on this journey thinking I was in a race. I never set a deadline for weight loss. I set a goal to lose and maintain... two things I've consistently done. For that I am proud.

So yes Susan, it's hard not to fall in our old patterns of coping during the rough stuff, but we need to make the choice. Life can be hard, painful, and sad. We just need to remind ourselves that there is something better out there for us. We won't always hurt, we won't always cry, we won't always struggle. I'm always telling myself, "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." By now, with what life has thrown at me, I think I'm one tough broad. Life isn't all peaches and cream (no, that isn't a subliminal food message lol). There is only one person that can make you happy, and that is you. It's your choice. Happiness? Depression? You pick. But know, never ever will food help you in your quest for happiness.

Read the last ~*~ Mail Bag ~*~ post

#92 - Fat Acceptance Organizations: I Don't Want to be a Goddess!

2008-06-02T11:18:00.004-04:00

I know I'm always talking about having confidence. I think that is one of the most important things in weight loss, well life in general really. I think you need to really learn to love and accept yourself before you can make the kind of commitment needed to get yourself healthy. I mean, if you don't give a crap about yourself, why would you work so hard to improve your body? You wouldn't. And that's why there are so many sad, depressed, overweight people in the world. If you don't care, you don't try. It's easier to cope with life by filling whatever void you have with an endless supply of Tontino's Party Pizzas (yes I was once there). So feeling good mentally really is just as important as getting your body healthy. You can't have one without the other. I've talked about this time and time again, but I think it's a really important message that I can't stress enough.

On the other hand... I think some take their confidence a bit too far. I'm SURE I'm gonna get flack for what I'm about to say, but hey, if I think it, I gotta write it. I think a fat woman that can love herself is a very beautiful thing, but I think some women take it way to far. Have you heard of these Goddess organizations? Basically women that absolutely LOVE being fat. They have come to terms with the weight and have completely accepted it. They love their bodies and see no reason they should change. They have parties and special clubs for BBWs (Big Beautiful Women) and their admirers. While I applaud them for their self confidence, I just can't condone accepting your fat so much that you don't feel it's necessary to lose weight. I'm sorry but never will being 100+ pounds overweight be healthy. I don't care how much you exercise, you are still putting a huge strain on your heart, your endocrine system (your metabolic system basically) and your joints. The facts are the facts... fat people die a premature death due to complications from obesity related illnesses.

I read an interesting article on years of life lost due to obesity (Fontaine et al. 2003. JAMA 289:187-193). They give you some facts about the impact of obesity on our lives. If you are a 20-39 years old with a BMI 45 or over (imagine 5'6" and more than 280 pounds), you could lose as many as 12 years off your life just because you are fat. That's sad. Say you're 35, if your life expectancy is 80 (just guessing... like we ever really know) that would mean you have another 45 years of life left. If you lose 12 years, that's like losing almost 27% of your remaining life! I don't know about you, but I'd like to live those years. Is that Tontino's pizza really worth 27% of the rest of your life? Ok I digress...

Back to the topic... There is something else that really bugs me about these Goddess clubs and parties... it's the BBW admirers. I don't know why this bothers me so much. I suppose it's because I've always wanted men to love me for me and not my body. Seriously, what kind of relationship are you going to have with a man that only likes your body? Well, I'm sure it will be a physical one, but don't you want more? And men that go out of their way to exclusively date obese women? Hmmm... always sounded like some kind of fetish to me. I think it's fine to say, "I don't care if you're fat or thin or whatever, I'll just love you for you". But to only want fat chicks? Why? I've wondered if they were the kind of men with low self-esteems themselves, so they seek out women with even lower self-esteems so that they will never face rejection. Or are they controlling men that think they can tell a fat chick what to do since they have less self confidence are are more willing to please? Or is it something purely physical? I guess I should think back to early primative art and all the fertility statues with their full voluptuous bodies and bellies, the ultimate symbol for womanhood. Maybe it has something to do with that. I'm not sure. But all of it kinda weirds me out. I suppose I shouldn't judge, right? To each his own. So I suppose if there are fat admirers, I should say more power to you.

So I don't know. I guess I need to preface this by saying FOR ME, I just don't get these Goddess clubs and parties. Yes I'm fat, yes I'm confident, but no... I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life, I don't want to be a Goddess. For me, the current state of my body is a temporary phase. While I embrace who I am now, and love me for me; I love myself enough to know I need to change and to want to change to make myself the healthiest happiest person I can be.

Life update:

Thank you all for all of your kind words of support through these past difficult months. I've always been a firm believer in the idea that when one door closes another one opens up in your life. Burying my fiance was one of the saddest days of my life, a day I thought would take years to recover from. But things change, life moves forward, and we keep living everyday despite all the bumps in the road. I've always been a very positive person, always finding the positive message even in life's hiccups. With my fiance, I knew I had a purpose, perhaps even a predestined purpose, to help him through his last weeks in the hospital, to help him feel love and joy and happiness even through the most difficult time of his life.

After I returned from Greece, I spent a good month in shock. What would I do next? Would I ever find love again? Did I want to find love again? To distract myself, I went back to the computer and got back into Second Life (the online vitual world/game I've talked about in the past). I have a lot of friends in Second Life that were there to support me and help bring me back to reality. Isn't that ironic? I need virtual reality to get back to reality... Hehe. Anyway, I guess I'm a lover of life, because I just couldn't see myself wallowing a pool of despression the rest of my life; I knew I had to move on. So I started dating again. I know, some of you may think, "Already? she's dating already? It's too soon!!" It just didn't feel too soon for me. I think people deal with grief in many ways. And with Vagelis, I felt I had 6 weeks in the hospital with him to say goodbye and deal with the loss. I had to move forward, and for me that meant dating again. In the hospital Vagelis told me he always wanted me to be happy, and if he couldn't bring me happiness he knew someone would because I deserved to be happy. I felt like I had his blessing to move on, maybe he even nudged me in that direction from above.

As soon as I got back online, almost instantly, I met someone. From the minute Chris and I started talking we hit it off. I was shocked I was so comfortable with him. We had tons in common and loved chatting away. Honestly, I had never felt a connection like this before in my life. Life opened another door... our online friendship quickly turned into an online romance and then a real life romance. Chris and I both seem to have the same goals in life, the same way of life, and the same love of life. This may come as a shock to you, but Chris and I moved in together, and it's been the happiest time since. Just when I thought life had beaten me down and left me for dead, something amazing happened. In all the loss and tragedy, I found love again. But I don't want to down play what Vagelis and I had. I truly loved Vagelis, but it was just not meant to be. Our time was short, but he will be with me always. I've felt bad for Chris actually. I don't ever want him to feel like I've just replaced Vagelis with him. I didn't. Chris came out of nowhere and swept me off my feet with the kind love and friendship I'd never known before.

With love there is no right time, no right place... it just happens. I just feel like one of the luckiest women in the world. I've found not one but two wonderful loves in my lifetime. For this I am blessed.

You have all stayed with me and listened to me through the great times and the bad times. So you know I always have a piece of advice. Look at my life, just when you think things can't get any worse, know that there are opportunities around the corner. Things can get better. The reason I say "can" and not "will" is because it is a choice. I could have stayed depressed and given up on life, but I didn't. I moved forward, I accepted the loss, I smiled again. Things can get better, but you need to make it happen. If life slams a door shut in your face, wipe away your tears, smile and turn around and look for another door to open.

#91 - Not feeling comfortable in my own skin

2008-04-19T20:44:00.000-04:00

It’s so sad, there once was a time in my life when I was so comfortable with myself. I never thought about what others were thinking about me, I wasn’t plagued with thoughts of self-doubt, I didn’t hide in the shadows hoping people wouldn’t take a notice of me. Frankly, I was pretty happy-go-lucky plodding along in my existence not paying attention to these kinds of things. But when I’m fat I am so utterly uncomfortable in my own skin, it’s almost painful… we’ll I guess it really is painful.. emotionally at least. And no, being comfortable in my own skin doesn’t mean I need to be a size 2 or anything. I was quite comfortable even at heavy times when I was taking really good care of my self like exercising, eating right, and taking vitamins, despite still being heavy. I guess that’s what it’s really about though, isn’t it? It’s not the physical reason of being fat that makes us uncomfortable.. it’s the mental and emotional reasons behind the fat that make us miserable. And when I’m doing the right thing for my body (the working out and healthy eating) I really do start to feel great about myself again. It ties all into that mind body connection. Take care of the body and your mind starts to feel great! We all got fat for some reason, and for most of us it was emotional. I’ve always said you need to get your mind into a better state to really tackle weight loss, but maybe that isn’t the best approach after all. How can you get into a happy place when your body is just wearing you down and weighing you down.. physically and emotionally? I think starting to eat right and exercise is key no matter how fat, how depressed, how miserable you are. Over time, something magical starts to happen in your brain… maybe a few happy endorphins from the exercise, less blood sugar and mood crashes by eating better, and hell.. you start to lose a little weight.. the clothes get a little loose.. damn, if that doesn’t shoot you through the roof I don’t what will. Guess it’s all about a step by step process… and the first steps are by far the hardest, but you just have to do it. It’s really a feedback loop in your body… fat, sad, and depressed now… work at it… get a little less fat, sad, and depressed… work at it more… gets a little easier… even less fat, sad and depressed… and it just keeps snowballing. But it’s the starting that’s key. There will never be a “best time” to get healthy. You WILL feel like crap when you start. I had hit my rock bottom when I started this weight loss journey. I just couldn’t stand being in my own skin anymore. You know, even though I’ve lost 65 pounds, I’m looking better, feeling better; I’m still not comfortable in my own skin. Yes it’s getting better, but I’m not there yet. I just have to keep plugging away, not beat myself up when I have set backs, and always look to the future. Because I know, one day I’m going to wake up and not even think about all this stuff anymore. Someday I’ll just be comfortable and content with me. I know that day is coming and I can’t wait for it!

I'm back, I'm alive, I'm ok

2008-04-05T15:24:00.002-04:00

Hey guys! I just wanted to drop a little note to tell you that I am here and I am ok. I'll get back to posting soon again. The events of the past few months were very jarring on my life and I didn't think I could write humorously for a while. But life has a way of repairing itself and even the few months that have just past have been good ones for me. So stay tuned! I will write again!!

A Modern Greek Tragedy

2008-01-22T11:57:00.000-05:00

I wanted to update everyone about the situation and tell you the whole story. It's a bit of a long story. 9 months ago I started dating a wonderful man, Vagelis. Instantly we had an amazing connection, soul mates if you believe in that sort of thing. Our relationship was a bit strained as he lived in Athens Greece and me in Connecticut, but we were able to make due by talking on a free internet phone for more than 8 hours a day. Our lives became completely intertwined despite the distance. You may have known that in October I traveled to Greece to be with him for a month. During that time he asked me to marry him and everything seemed so perfect, that kind of 'pinch me I must be dreaming' kind of perfect. We had both been single for many years and were not sure if we would ever find true love. We both said that our month together was the happiest month of either of our lives. I then returned to the states with plans for him to join me in the US soon. But our plans changed suddenly. After returning home for only a few weeks on December 13th I was notified that Vagelis was in a serious motorcycle accident. Vagelis sustained a serious injury during the accident, breaking the 5th vertebrae in his neck causing him to be paralyzed from the shoulders down. Immediately I rushed to his side in Greece to help him in the hospital during this difficult time. Unfortunately, after surgery to repair the broken bone in his neck, he contracted pneumonia. We believed he was beginning to recover from both the neck injury and the pneumonia, but very tragically his pneumonia turned to sepsis then finally septic shock. His body was unable to fight the infection and he went into a condition called multi organ failure. After one week in the ICU his heart finally stopped. Vagelis passed away at 9:55pm January 18th 2008. My heart is utterly broken. I have lost not only my love but my best friend. I am remaining in Greece for another week to help his brothers begin to sort through Vagelis' things. It is times like these that you realize life is so fragile and so precious. We must truly enjoy the moments we have here on Earth for they may be our last. I hate to be the armchair philosopher, but please heed my words: live your life full of love and happiness, do not waste your time with anger and hate, follow your dreams, and take the time to be kind to the strangers around you for they may return the favor someday, and never ever take anything or anyone for granted. I wish you all a lifetime of beautiful memories.

Jenny

Emergency Update

2008-01-05T03:23:00.000-05:00

Again I have to apologize for not posting in some time. I find myself back in Greece already, although this time not under happy circumstances. I have had a serious family emergency that I'm dealing with right now. My fiance (who lives in Greece) was in a serious auto accident and broke his neck. Of course I rushed to his side to help in anyway I can because right now he is paralyzed. I think I'm still in shock about the whole thing. Currently he is still in the hospital, but relatively stable. The injury was the best type we could hope for (if that makes sense). He didn't sever any nerves, there is no bleeding or fluid in the spinal cord, it was a compression injury meaning his spinal cord got a little squeeze during the trauma. But now we wait, wait to see what will happen, to see if he can regain the function of his arms and legs. In the next week or so he will transfer over to a rehab facility to start physical therapy, I think then we'll know more about the prognosis, but the doctors are optimistic. But with this type of injury it's kind of a 50/50 split: he might recover, he might not. Only time will tell. And with spinal injuries, it takes A LOT of time.

During this hard time it has got me to thinking about strength. In my day to day life I'm always complaining about feeling tired or sick or some dumb complaint. I never seem to have the energy to do anything. I'm always saying, "I can't do it", or "It's too hard", or "I don't know if I'll make it." But now, in dealing with all of this, I seem to have found endless energy. Where does this energy come from? Why don't I have this energy in my everyday life? I guess it's all about adrenaline. In times of extreme need we find strength we never knew we had. It just makes me realize I am strong and I can accomplish anything I set my mind to in my daily life. And during such a serious crisis it really makes you see what's important, and all those little things we worry about seem to melt away.

Another thing I've been contending with is food during this time. Of course when I'm stressed all I want to do is reach for comfort food. I really need those serotonin releasing carbs right now! The hard thing is that it's really hard to eat well when you spend a lot of time at the hospital. I find I grab any junk in site to keep me fueled after 14 hours in the hospital. But I know I need to eat real food to keep me going in the long run. It's impossible to run on Cheetos all day long! Luckily the hospital has a nice store that sells great sandwiches so I've been living on those for the past two weeks. On the other hand, I've thrown my weight watching out the window right now. Of course I don't want to gain weight, but it's really not a priority or concern right now. And actually I'm running around so much that it's probably impossible NOT to lose weight at this point no matter what I eat. I noticed in the past couple weeks my jeans are getting looser and looser. So I guess that's a good thing, but again, right now it doesn't seem important.

I guess sometimes it takes a real crisis for us to access our lives, to make us see how strong we are. It makes all of my shallow thoughts about weight seem so dumb (you know what I mean - worrying about what other people think of my butt and things like that). The most important reason to lose weight is for health, period! I want to lead a healthy long life, and the only way to do that is by losing weight. And remember we do have strength, all of us! Sometimes it takes an emergency to really see it, but it's there. So whatever your challenge, remember that you too have the strength to deal with it. You just need to believe in it, believe that you have the strength and energy to keep going.

So let me close this post in saying, if you believe in it, please say a little prayer for us. We need as much positive energy flowing our way as we can to get during this difficult time!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2007-12-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

I got some great questions the other day so I thought I'd post the questions with my answers. I know they are questions on a lot of your minds.

Lisa asked: "a few things i was wondering is how long it took for you to see some physical kind of result from diet/exercise? and in the first few weeks of starting how much weight was lost? and also how long did it take for you to lose a dress size?"

-How long it took for you to see some physical kind of result from diet/exercise?

Ugh! This question is tough. My best answer - a while. LOL. But seriously, after about 30 pounds I was really starting to see and feel a difference (remember I was 315 pounds so it took a lot of loss to see the difference). Now it seems with every 10-15 pounds I can see changes. But honestly, even with a couple a pound loss I see little changes like my double chin doesn't look so big and puffy.

-And in the first few weeks of starting how much weight was lost?

I have been losing SLOW. I've only made gradual changes, so the weight loss is gradual. Even in the beginning I only lost about 5 pounds the first week I think, then it slowed to the current rate of 0.5-1 pound lost per week. It's been
pretty steady at this pace.

-And also how long did it take for you to lose a dress size?

I've been tracking jeans size. I started at a TIGHT 28. Quickly - after about 20 pounds lost - I went to a 26, another 20 pounds to a 24, and now (25 more lost) I'm sitting at a 22. So I went from a 28 to a 22 in 65 pounds. That's pretty slow. Don't expect to see the sizes change too fast. I keep thinking, "I'm almost in a 20, I'm almost in a 20"; but I've been saying that for a couple months now. LOL. Time, time, time; it takes time!

My advice for you is to focus on exercise if losing dress sizes is your focus. I hear great stories from people about how they tighten up really quick and lose dress sizes with exercise. I must say I hate exercise and avoid it like the plague. But I know I'd be A LOT more successful if I worked out more. That's my new years resolution - exercise! (Isn't that my new years resolution every year? yes it is!)

And please don't diet like crazy, and do drastic things. Everything in moderation is key. I think telling yourself you CANNOT have something is the worst thing to do. It just makes you want it more. Tell yourself you can have what ever you want... but just a little. Just try to cut out the junk from your diet - cakes, cookies, sweet are my absolute downfall.

But my best advice is just to keep at it. Results WILL come if you work at it long term. You wont lose the weight in a day, a week, or a month. It takes time! But DONT give up!!! You can do it! I can do it! We can do it. Better yet... we WILL do it!

Read the last Mail Bag question

#90 - Double chins!

2007-12-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

OK, OK, it's another one of my shallow posts, one of those physical appearance reasons why I hate being fat. But hey, it bothers me so I gotta write about it! I hate that being fat gives me a double chin. I hate that flabby loose skin that just hangs around my neck. So not only do I have one chubby chin but two!! Why, I ask you, why? When I was young, I used to have this long slender neck. No more!! It's two chins for me now! I've been talking on my webcam a lot lately (my honey lives far away, so it's the best way to communicate with him right now), and I've been noticing my double chin a lot. Of course it doesn't help that the camera adds 10 pounds... or two chins. Every once in a while I catch site of my chin in the webcam image and tilt my head a little or change positions just to improve the look of my chin. Isn't that silly? The crazy things we do!

Speaking of crazy. Are you like me? Do you do this? I find that I am totally self-conscious when getting my picture taken. I don't worry about my hair or my clothes or my makeup... it's all about how I can position my head to minimize the double chin! And OMG last year I had to renew my driver's license so it meant another trip to the DMV to get that dreaded snapshot taken. I practiced in the mirror and found the best head position and headed off to the DMV. The DMV lady got me all set up for the picture and said I should move more this way, turn this way, put your chin more down... more down? Crap that was exactly what I didn't want to do. I hate pictures where I'm looking down because my chin appears absolutely ginormous. So anyway, I put my chin down *frown*, and she snapped the picture. I took one look at my picture and wanted to cry. You mean I have to spend the next 5 years with this picture? Can I get a new picture taken? Of course it also doesn't help that the pic was taken at my highest weight - ouch! I know people get new licenses when they lose theirs, can I get a new one cause I look too fat? Or do I just pretend to lose it? Hmm... that's an idea. Then a friend told me that they save the digital pictures and just reissue a new one. Bummer! I guess I'll have to look at my two chins for the next 5 years. The one upside is that when I went to get my international drivers license at AAA, the lady behind the counter looked at my license and said, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" That sure made me feel great! It does make me wonder though, is there some point where you should request that a new picture be taken because you look SO different than the original picture? Honestly I don't think I'll fall into that category. I still look like me in the photo, just fat. I suppose my license will just be a reminder to me for the next 5 years of all the hard work I've done with weight loss and that I never want to look like that again.

One thing I think about though is that as I lose weight, I might never fully get rid of the extra chin. Sure I might lose all my excess weight, but age and stretched skin could be a problem. I might go from having a double chin to having a turkey neck. Gobble, gobble. What's worse? Hmmm... Double chin! At least with a turkey neck you can have plastic surgery to fix it (not that I plan to have plastic surgery, but at least the option is there). I've seen these infomercials that advertise exercises to tighten up the skin under your chin. Maybe I need to start working out my chin! But do those things really work? I don't know. I guess I just need to be happy with what Mother Nature gave me. I suppose I should just look at my double chin as a temporary imperfection that will improve with time. And you know, with winter coming, I guess the double chin will help me out and keep my neck warm all winter long! And hopefully, like a hibernating bear, I'll be able to lose the excess fat and chin by summer!

#89 - Afraid to go to high school reunions

2007-12-01T09:33:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a friend the other day, and high school reunions were mentioned It made me think about my own lack of attendance to any of my reunions. This past summer was my 15th high school reunion, but I made absolutely NO plans to attend. I actually would love to go see people from high school, see what's become of everyone, but honestly I'm totally afraid. I still fear what those people think of me. Isn't that ridiculous? When I graduated high school I was 195 pounds, no skinny mini, but not very fat either, just pleasantly plump. But now... I am really scared to let those people see me. Sure I've lost a bunch of weight now (I'm only [haha...ONLY] 50 pounds away from my high school size), but I still don't want them to see me like I am. I guess I was hoping, like I'm sure EVERYONE does, to go back to my high school reunion with the perfect hard body, and wow them all and make the popular kids envy me.

LOL popular kids... Isn't that silly? I am 33 for God's sake and I'm still worried about what the popular kids think of me. You would think we'd out-grow all that silliness, but I guess not. I guess no matter what age we are we just want to fit in and be liked. I always wonder what made those kids the "popular" kids anyway. Was it looks? I don't think so. I was leafing through my high school alumni newspaper the other day, looking at pictures of the homecoming king and queen. The thing that was striking to me was that the "popular" kids that I saw in the pictures were not amazingly attractive or anything. Just average. In fact, some looked kind of unattractive. So good looks isn't the way to popularity. The one trait I do remember all the popular kids having was an amazing amount of confidence. It just bubbled out of them. They were people magnets, everyone wanting in on a piece of their confidence.

You know, that is what really attracts us to people and makes us want to be friends with someone. Confidence. It really can take you far. With a healthy dose of confidence we feel like we can accomplish ANYTHING! Hell, I think this time around it's confidence that has gotten me so far with my weight loss. Every time I thought I was gonna quit, I would just say to myself "you can do it!", and then I did, I stuck to it. I think for many of us this is a constant struggle, to feel confident. Low self-esteem probably made us use food as a tool to cope with life in the first place. The only way to get out of that vicious cycle of feeling bad and eating more is to reverse it - get confident. Don't feel confident? Fake it. I think if you tell yourself you are confident enough, the confidence will follow. Sometimes when I'm feeling really self-conscious, I just remind myself of something great I've done. That shuts my inner demons right up. The little voice that tells me "you suck" is replaced with the other voice that says "na uh, you rock!". We all need to give ourselves little pep talks now and again. I know I sure do!

So maybe I need to practice a bit of what I preach. I guess I need to suck it up, be confident, and in 5 years promise myself to go to my 20th high school reunion no matter what I weigh. And honestly, what do I have to fear? Some of those popular kids have probably put on a few pounds. Heck, they might even be fat now too! I can't keep hiding behind the excuse of being fat as a reason not to go to my reunions. I just have to remind myself that if I am confident, warm and friendly, people WILL like me no matter what size I am! Who knows, maybe 20 years later I'll be one of the popular kids!

#88 - I don't want to become the crazy cat lady!

2007-11-29T05:32:00.000-05:00

I'm back after my long vacation! Hope you enjoy the post!!!

So... The crazy cat lady... You know who I mean. Those women that become so obsessed with their cats. No, not one or two cats, but three, four, five... or twelve cats. I honestly had this fear that being fat was going to keep me alone for the rest of my life, leaving me with cats as my only companions. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of the crazy cat lady inside me. Let me ask you this... Are you guilty of spending more on cat toys and cat food than you spend on yourself? Are the only pictures you take of your cats? When people talk to you, do you find yourself always talking about something so funny your cat did the other day? Be careful... If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be becoming a crazy cat lady!

I was uploading some old photos off my camera the other day and found that most, ok ALL, of the pics were of my cats! And no, it wasn't one or two pics, it was 45! What is that? Why on Earth did I feel the need to take 45 pictures of my cats? Well I suppose part of my excuse is that cat photography isn't the easiest thing. Your cat does something cute, you line up the shot, *snap*, and they move... So then you need to take another then another then another. You get the idea. I found that a lot of my pictures were strange blurred and out of focus action shots of my cats acting crazy. But still... Why do I need to take pictures of my cats so much? Answer? Well, maybe I am becoming a crazy cat lady lol.

Well maybe not too crazy yet, because I only have two cats. And I would not want any more cats in a house my size. I definitely won't become that lady down the block that takes in all the stray cats. NEVER! So I guess I have a limit. I guess I won't become that super crazy cat lady... maybe just a little crazy. It is funny though, when I go out with friends they talk about their jobs, their kids, their hobbies... I talk about my cats. OK sure I talk about other stuff, but still, it's a lot of cat talk. And I swear, I talk about the cats like they are my kids or something! "Guess what James did the other day that was so cute..." "Hazel is so smart, you should see what she does..." These are the kinds of conversations I have with people. I know, it's strange. But in the past it was all that I had. My fat kept me from meeting new people and going out into the world and doing things. So what did I do? I sat at home with my cats.

I really don't have that fear anymore, the fear of becoming the crazy cat lady. I don't talk about this much in my posts (cause I want to keep my private life private), but I've been seeing someone for the past 7 months now. As I've been losing weight my confidence has gone through the roof. I've gotten out there and started meeting people again, started living again. I met an absolutely WONDERFUL man. He loves me for me. It's so great to meet someone that sees the real me! He fills up my life now so I don't find myself talking about my cats so much. My poor cats were so accustomed to massive amounts of attention from me, but I fear they will just have to get used to less attention. And pictures? Well let's just say my camera is now full of pictures of my man and not of cats. Definitely a step in the right direction away from the doomed path of the cat lady.

So weight... update time!!! How am I doing? Well... I've been in Greece for a month! Give me a little slack! OK it's not that bad. I managed to maintain my weight loss in Greece. I didn't lose, I didn't gain. Actually when I first got to Greece I noticed right away I lost some weight, probably from an increase in exercise. All my clothes were looser and I felt lighter. But then I discovered Kinder Bueno, Kinder Delice, Sokofreta, Caprice, and, and, and... Basically all the yummy junk food Greece had to offer. Of course I loved the feta, the Greek salads, souvlakis (gyros), and baklavas too. So I put those few lost pounds back on. I just told myself to enjoy Greece and worry about the scale later. One thing I did though was to make sure that I didn't over eat. I just ate until I was satisfied. No pigging out! I think that definitely made a difference. You can still enjoy ANY food you like, just don't binge on it! But when all was said and done... I hopped on the scale the day after I got back to the states... and saw the exact same number I had seen when I left - 250. So there you have it.

Unfortunately a few days after I got back was Thanksgiving, the day Americans worship food. I was a bit bad. I ate what I liked - no diet foods or anything - but instead of stopping when I tummy said "no more", I took a deep breath and kept going. Big mistake! So this week I'm recovering a bit from a couple pound backlash. No serious damage, I just need to work out a little harder to rid myself of this holiday weight. Note to self: in the future say no to seconds!!!

Update: #85 - Traveling

2007-11-12T07:09:00.000-05:00

I'm here, I'm here, I swear I'm here! I know it has been AGES since I posted! I'm still away in Greece on my long awaited vacation. I'm having the time of my life!!! Unfortunately, I have very limited internet access, hence my long absence.

I wanted to post a little bit about my trip and an update of reason #85 why I hate being fat. A few posts ago I wrote about the pains of traveling while being fat. Like traveling isn't bad enough, add a few pounds and traveling can be a nightmare! So before I left for this trip I was down 65 pounds from my all time high weight. Traveling at 315 was terrible! I couldn't fit well in airplane seats, the seat belts didn't fit. I felt cramped and uncomfortable and down right embarrassed. So I sucked up my pride and boarded the first plane I had flown in the past three years, and damn, I was surprised. To my utter amazement I fit comfortably in the airplane seat. Hum... a fluke? Did I happen to get the biggest seat on the plane that was roomier than the others? Probably not. I grabbed the seat belt and sucked my gut in. Again to my surprise the seat belt fit... not only fit, it was loose and needed tightening. Are you kidding me? Wow. Later in the flight the drinks and dinner came. Oh great I thought, now I have to deal with a tray table that doesn't open all the way cause my fat gut and thighs get in the way. I lowered the tray table and gasped a bit. It opened all the way with room to spare. Really? Wow again. I comfortably ate my sucky airplane food, beaming with amazement. I even managed to keep any food from falling onto my chest (a past hazard of having big big boobs). This is just a sample of my experiences on this trip. So far I have yet to find an instance where traveling was any harder for me than the average sized Joe. Don't get me wrong - I'm still fat at 250 - but it's just not as bad as it has been. This trip is really making me realize how far I've come and how you can feel truly better even shedding a few pounds.

There was also some discussion in previous posts about how accepting the Greeks are of fat people. I was a bit apprehensive. Well let me tell you... the Greeks are fat too. I walk around and see plenty of people that look just like me. I really don't feel out of place at all here. I am treated NO different here than I am in the states. Sure I get an occasional look that I'm sure is fat related, but I got those at home too, so no surprise. If anything I'm finding the Greek people much more friendly and warm than people at home, but maybe that's because I live on the East Coast where people are notorious for being a bit crabby and cool. I'm really loving the Greek way of life. I could learn a thing or two from the Greeks. Everyone walks a lot and eats pretty healthy, favoring fresh foods over anything processed. It's really making me rethink my cooking style and food choices. Honestly I could easily see myself living here in Greece quite happily. I love it. I love it so much, I actually extended my trip. I just can't leave Greece! Well not yet at least. Unfortunately real life calls and I need to get back to work. :(

But anyway, soon enough I'll be home and resume my regular posting. No worries, karaokekitty still has a lot to say about being fat!