in the mirror

lessons

2009-06-17T06:28:00.000-07:00

School's only been out for a little over a week, yet it feels like we plunged fully into summer, like being pushed into the deep end of the pool without a chance to take a breath and brace yourself. I love this time of year, when the girls are unrestricted by any schedule (except mine) and they get to stay up later and spend more leisure time with the family and friends they love. The summer also poses some challenges, as I still have to work and the lure of spending the carefree days with them is sometimes overwhelming. Still, they have a pretty diverse schedule, spending time with their cousins at my sister's house and with friends at some day camps here and there.

But before we are knee deep in summer pleasures I wanted to take a moment to record the lessons that this school year brought us. Not so much the academic lessons, but the life ones. Because this year we changed schools and then changed back mid-year. And at the time it was difficult to see the lesson in that, other than that parents sometimes make mistakes and we need to be big enough to admit them. But as the school year came to a close, Sydney shared with me that she feels she grew spiritually this year because of that experience. She says she learned that she doesn't need to fit in with a particular group of friends just because it seems "the thing to do" and that she is more confident in declining to go along with the group and branching out on her own than she was before. Seems like a pretty timely lesson, with middle school just around the corner.

And so we forge ahead into summer. I do have a few academic goals in mind, such as teaching Tess her multiplication tables, and our table is stacked with library books that we are reading like crazy. But mostly I just want to enjoy this time, mindful of the fact that in a few more years this kind of summer, where I can orchestrate their activities and they are happy enough just to spend a day at home with us, will only exist in my memory.

mother's day

2009-05-12T06:35:00.000-07:00

It was a great Mother's Day weekend. It has occurred to me that the girls are at the perfect age to really make Mother's Day a lot of fun. They are old enough to understand the concept of honoring mom on her special day yet still young enough to wholeheartedly jump in and participate.

Sydney had spotted a gift she wanted to give me at a local store several weeks ago, and after several cryptic phone calls between our house and grandma's she managed to secure the desired item by sending her grandmother to purchase it for her. Tess was less sneaky but nevertheless arranged a shopping trip for herself with her grandma to select and purchase the perfect gift. Apparently when they got to the store my mom discovered Tess had $30 of her own money wadded up in her pocket. Imagine her delight when the lotion set she wanted to buy turned out to be on sale for only $8!

The three of them (my mom and my daughters) returned to my house and holed up in the girls' bedroom wrapping the treasures. I think the girls were more excited for me to open them than I was! And so I received a lovely coffee mug filled with chocolates and a body wash/lotion set in a beautiful tropical print cosmetic bag. And the absolute gift of seeing the girls' true delight at giving me things they picked out and paid for themselves.

The things I received are lovely, but the feeling of being so loved by my daughters is priceless.

another birthday

2009-04-03T06:16:00.000-07:00

This time of year is birthday-crazy, with both girls celebrating the momentous occasion within a few short weeks of each other. Today is Sydney's birthday. She is 11. A classic stereotypical oldest child, she seems more young woman than little girl. She thinks and interacts easily on an adult level. The glimpses of the little girl are getting rarer and, sadly, they catch me more by surprise these days.

I love this girl madly. At times she is so much my mirror that it scares me -- her perfectionism, her stubbornness, her determination to excel. In other ways I wonder where she came from, this child who doesn't know a stranger and can easily engage anyone in conversation, who has no fear of performing, who is graceful and seems able to easily master all things artistic.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl. It is my great gift to watch you grow up.

getting the pointe

2009-03-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

My oldest has reached a monumental point in her ballet career. Last week she passed the test to get her pointe shoes. While I have some mixed feelings about the timing of all this (the teacher suggested that some parents whose daughters earn pointe shoes in the spring choose to make them wait until the fall to actually get the shoes), I am extremely proud. Not just because she passed the test, but because of the dedication she has shown over the last few months in working toward this goal.

Sydney has never been one to work too hard toward anything. She is one of those people who seems to have a natural affinity for most things she tries, thus negating the need to work too hard right away. Her track record up to this point has been that once she reaches the point where she might have to actually expend some effort to excel at a given skill, she loses interest and moves on to the next thing. It has long been my wish for her that she would love something enough to really work at it.

Ballet was never Sydney's dream. In fact, the day she started ballet class we were actually there for her sister. After watching the younger kids' class and learning there was a class for her age level starting next, Syd insisted on giving it a try. The teacher acquiesced to a trial lesson, even though we hadn't come prepared with tights, leotard, or the proper shoes. So Syd approached the barre in her school uniform and socks and I've been paying for 2 kids to attend ballet class ever since. A few years later, the teacher from that day told me that she will never forget Sydney's first ballet lesson.

So it's five years later and Syd attends 3 classes a week, even "helping" as a role model for the younger kids' class. The harder the techniques get, the more she seems determined to master them. She started taking the pointe test a couple of months ago, mainly as a means of having her teacher show her the techniques she needed to work on. I think she has taken the pointe test at every class for the past month. Last Wednesday night I went to pick her up and found her to be the last one in the studio, asking to take the pointe test yet again. The teacher agreed and, lo and behold, she passed! I've not seen my child so excited about something in a while. She came home and burned up the phone lines, calling everyone she could think of. I barely got her into bed.

So it seems she's found something she loves enough to work at. She often complains of sore legs and feet after class, but she never talks about quitting. I know the pointe shoes will present a new level of difficulty, and I think they may be more frustrating to learn to use properly than she realizes. But I am happy to see her finally buy-in to the process of becoming better through determination and effort. It's a lesson she's needed to learn for a long time, and one that will serve her well in the future.

Happy Birthday

2009-03-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

8 years ago tonight our family was completed. Tess entered the world and took her rightful place as "the baby." Over the last 8 years, she has been the one to challenge us with her quirky requirements (like her quest for the perfect sock placement, her need for "soft" clothing and wide shoes so her toes can move, and her aversion to hairbrushing - just to name a few), antagonize and yet idolize her sister, and melt our hearts with her sweet, loving spirit. She is a homebody, a reader and thinker, and a tenderhearted, sensitive girl.

It is hard to believe that 8 years can pass so quickly. Happy Birthday, my sweet baby.

a look back

2009-01-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

I have to admit the holiday season got away from me. It was fun and remains my very favorite time of the year but I constantly felt like I was behind, and I think I had a grand total of one day during the month of December when I felt like everything was under control, my house was clean, and I could relax. So here we are at January 7th and I realize I have not blogged at all in a very long time. Before the new year gets underway in full-swing, I want to take a moment to record some of my favorite moments of Christmas 2008 and also to make a short list of things I want to do differently next year.

My favorite moments of the holidays this year:

- Receiving an unexpected birthday gift in early December from my friend Barbi -- a Christmas cd that I instantly loved and played all through the season.

- A weekend trip with my sister and her family so the kids could attend a holiday lights event at an amusement park together.

- The Nutcracker, which has become a holiday tradition in this house. I first took my oldest when she was 3. She is now 10 and both she and her sister perform in our local ballet troupe's performance. This year we took the girls to watch a professional performance of The Nutcracker in a nearby city, and they loved it. Even my husband commented that it doesn't seem like Christmas until we see The Nutcracker.

-My cookie party. This year I tried something new and hosted a cookie exchange. Even though it was one more thing jammed into an already overcrowded month, the party turned out great and everybody seemed to have a nice, relaxing time.

- Christmas Eve. I love Christmas Eve. This year's best memory is that of my youngest daughter's sweet face illuminated by candlelight as she wholeheartedly sang Christmas carols at our church's candlelight service.

-The letter I got from Santa this year. On Christmas morning there were two letters left next to the plate of cookie crumbs on the hearth. They were neatly typed and decorated with stickers, addressed to me and to my husband, commending each of us for the great parents we are because we always spend time with our kids and teach them about God. Apparently my oldest had been working on this project for weeks without me knowing.

- My dad's reaction to a book my girls wrote and illustrated for him for Christmas. "Do you like it?" I called to him over the chaos of excited kids and flying wrapping paper on Christmas Day. He nodded and choked out a "yes," and I realized that he was trying to not to cry.

- That my girls got to bring a friend to our family New Year's Eve bowling, pizza, and game night. They had a great time and didn't even complain (that much) when we headed for home before midnight.

Things I want to try/try to do differently next year:

- Christmas cards. I need to revamp my card situation. I have fallen into the habit of making my cards, which I love to do and most people love to receive, but this year I started the process way too late and it became the single most stressful thing about the season. So for next year I am resolved to either start making the cards early or not at all.

-Gingerbread ornaments. I came across a recipe for gingerbread cookie cutouts that I would dearly love to make and hang on the kids' tree in my family room. I got the idea way too late this year, but my sister and I are resolved to make this our Thanksgiving Day craft in 2009 so that they'll be ready for use during this Christmas season.

-Less gifts. Every year I resolve to buy less for my kids and every year I end up with more stuff than before. This year I want to propose an idea that we take on a family project of consciously planning to receive less and giving more to some type of Christian charity effort. I have not approached the girls with this idea but am hoping that it will be well-received. For now I'm trying to figure out the logistics of how it would actually work.

So goodbye 2008. Hello 2009.

gratitude challenge wrap-up - day 30

2008-11-30T21:19:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful for the season of Thanksgiving and the fact that this gratitude challenge has truly shown me how much I have to be thankful for each day -- even on the really bad days. In the beginning it was sometimes challenging to find something to focus my gratitude on each day, but in the last week or so my problem has been more of deciding which thing to single out each day. So I guess the challenge worked, in the sense that it conditioned me to recognize the blessings in my life more readily than I was doing before. I think, however, that it also showed me that while I have much to be thankful for, I do not always live as if that were the case. Merely recognizing my blessings does not always translate into living out my gratitude, especially as that concerns those closest to me. And for that I am sorry. So as I enter the Christmas season, which in and of itself highlights the greatest Gift given to man, my prayer is that I would acknowledge my many blessings not only in words but in attitude and actions as well.

gratitude challenge day 29

2008-11-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

Today I am deeply thankful for the precious Holy Spirit and the conviction of sin He brings that leads to repentance. This week I was convicted of some habits -- one in particular -- that I need to abandon. While I'm the first to admit that it is no fun to feel the weight of the Holy Spirit's conviction, it is also such a blessing because it reminds me that God cares; that He is dealing with me; and that He is true to His promise never to let me go. Last night Sydney joyfully told me -- in different words than I'm going to use to express what she said -- that she has begun to feel the weight of her conscience immediately when she does something wrong, and how she is thankful that God sees fit to deal with her so directly at such a young age. She perceives that many kids her age, as well as teenagers, don't appear to hear or heed the warnings of conscience anymore, and she, like me, is so thankful to feel the hand of God in her life.

gratitude challenge day 28

2008-11-28T20:15:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for holiday traditions. This morning Sydney and I ventured out to brave the "Black Friday" crowds at Target at 6 a.m. We went more out of tradition than need, as my Christmas shopping is basically done. It was fun to see the crowds stretching around the building, anxious to get in. It was a good lesson for Sydney in greed, materialism, and the silliness of it all. Afterward we had a relaxing breakfast at our favorite hangout, Panera. It was a fun outing, although significantly scaled down from some of the post-Thanksgiving shopping I've done in past years (one year I accompanied my sister an an all-day Black Friday shopping trip in which she attempted to accomplish the entirety of her Christmas shopping on that day). But it was good to approach the day from the standpoint of tradition rather than frenzy and to put the whole materialism-of-Christmas thing in perspective. Most of all, it was fun to do it together, and I think Sydney felt special being able to share the morning with me.

gratitude challenge day 27: Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

When she got up this morning, Tess sat down at the table and made a list of all the things she is thankful for. I can't do better than this, so I thought I'd post her list today:

"I'm thankful to Jesus for . . .

My family
My violin
My teachers
My schools
My clothes
Religious freedom
My Bible
My toys
Food & water
My house
Education
Love
Music
God
Church
Weather
Democracy
Help from family
Laws
Pets
Pastors
Prayer
Friends"

Happy Thanksgiving!

gratitude challenge day 26

2008-11-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am thankful for the ministry of my local church. Our church really puts things in perspective by holding services on every holiday, reminding us that Christ should always be our focus. We attended a lovely Thanksgiving service tonight and look forward to other special services on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The holiday season is much more meaningful -- and peaceful -- when we keep the Reason at the center.

gratitude challenge day 25

2008-11-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for my good friend, Patti, who has the gift of being so helpful, especially in the little details. She is thoughtful in ways that I never even think of, like doing errands she knows I won't get around to or offering to take my kids to school on my day off - so that I don't have to get dressed all day if I don't want to. Most of all, she loves my girls and they love her, and I never think twice when they are in her care. She is the kind of friend who defines the true meaning of friendship, and everyone should be so blessed as to have such a person in their lives.

gratitude challenge day 24

2008-11-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

Today was a long day, with work and motherhood and bible study responsibilities all overlapping to keep me running from one thing to the next. But it's a holiday week, which means tomorrow is my "Friday" for work purposes. So today I am thankful for the gift of anticipation - that special ability to be able to look past the not-so-pleasant present toward a better future. Isn't that a big part of a Christian's worldview anyway?

And I am thankful for the gift of unexpected laughter that I found with my fellow BSF leaders tonight. It ended a long day on a light note.

gratitude challenge day 23

2008-11-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

It seems only fitting that I spend one of my gratitude entries appreciating the very nice bloggers I have met since I've been posting here. It is so amazing to be able to connect with people I have much in common with but would never otherwise know if not for the wonder of the blogosphere. Some of the wonderful women I have come to consider my "internet friends" include Chel at Chasing Contentment (who just made me some beautiful bracelets - go check out her jewelry shop!) and Jennifer at Snapshot (we happen to be involved in the same Bible study, just from opposite ends of the U.S.). I am thankful for the opportunity to know them, and for the encouragement, smiles, and sense of camaraderie I have received from visiting their blogs.

gratitude challenge day 22

2008-11-22T18:38:00.000-08:00

Today was supposed to be a fun day out with my sister. We had planned to go to the movies and lunch in celebration of our respective birthdays, and then we had an appointment to take our kids for a cousins Christmas photo at the mall. Well, the movie was good - except for the minor fender bender we had leaving the parking lot -- and lunch was fine, and the photos turned out well, except that the whole mall experience was way too stressful for both us and the kids, especially after such a full day. I had not realized until today that the holiday crowds are already in full swing. So while I am thankful for the fun of the early part of the day, I am most thankful to be reminded that I have a nice, quiet, uncrowded place to come home to. And I am thankful right now to be home.

gratitude challenge day 21

2008-11-21T20:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm thankful for the fact that I get a break from early morning BSF leaders tomorrow, which means I'm not required to get up while it's still dark. I love leaders' meetings, but it is nice to have a Friday night stretch ahead of me without knowing I have to get to bed early. We spent a nice night shopping and eating out as a family.

gratitude challenge day 20

2008-11-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for a quiet, uneventful, regular day at work after the busyness of the last few days. I complain about my job A LOT but in truth I am thankful to have it and to have the flexibility it affords me to do all the other stuff I need to do.

gratitude challenge day 19

2008-11-19T22:38:00.000-08:00

I have a funny mix of things to be thankful for today.

I'm thankful that my daughter's little hamster appears to be feeling better. We were worried that the poor thing might be leaving us, and I really wasn't looking forward to dealing with Tess's grief on that count.

Also, today was another travel day for work - this time with a group from my firm to attend a holiday dinner event with some clients. That might sound like a fun outing to some people, but it's pretty painful for me. I'm not a social person, and it is very difficult for me to find a sufficient number of "small talk" subjects to sustain me through a long cocktail hour. So tonight I'm thankful that the cocktail hour was shorter than usual, my assigned dinner companions were pretty easy to talk to, and the whole thing wrapped up earlier than I thought it would. And I made it home. And it's OVER.

gratitude challenge day 18

2008-11-18T20:16:00.001-08:00

Today was a travel day for work. I always get a little stressed on a day like this because of traffic and directions (which I am pretty bad at following) and the fear of getting lost and being late (both of which I do on a pretty consistent basis). But today went smoothly, with not as much traffic as I thought, and I actually ended up finishing my business and heading home earlier than hoped.

So today I am thankful for God's protection and care for me, even in the small details like finding a suitable parking spot, and for the faithful prayers of my husband, my kids, and my BSF group. They held me up today, and even in the midst of all the stresses I had peace.

gratitude challenge day 17

2008-11-17T22:07:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for my Bible. That I can hold God's words in my hands and read His instructions for my life is an amazing privilege that I so often take for granted. In these uncertain and increasingly hostile times, I am reassured that God's standards don't change, and He promises that His word will endure.

gratitude challenge day 16

2008-11-16T19:43:00.000-08:00

This afternoon the girls and I met a friend and her daughter to paint Christmas ornaments at our local pottery place. I am thankful for a relaxing outing with good friends, who are comfortable talking about anything or nothing, and a chance to be creative and encourage creativity in my girls.

On a humorous note: As we drove home the girls started bickering, a common occurrence that gets on my nerves and usually leads to some extreme whining on the part of my youngest. As Tess launched into her usual "poor me" routine, Sydney sharply reprimanded her, "Tess, you're always groaning -- just like the Israelites!" Now that was one I didn't see coming.

gratitude challenge day 15

2008-11-15T18:20:00.001-08:00

I'm not proud of myself today. I've been in a bad mood and have lashed out at everyone around me. What can I be thankful for on such a day? Well, forgiveness I guess. My family hasn't thrown me out in the street yet. And after this sort of a day it's good to remember (though hard to understand) that God loves me, no matter how unlovable I act, and offers me a clean slate. That's actually a lot to be thankful for. And I am.

gratitude challenge day 14

2008-11-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am thankful that my daughters are always happy to see me at the end of the day. Their warm welcome has a way of putting everything else in perspective.

gratitude challenge day 13

2008-11-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

Today I am so thankful for dear friends who I've known forever yet become more precious to me with the passage of time. Tonight I had dinner with two of my oldest friends, Lysa and Tamara. The three of us met sometime in the early 90's when we all happened to work at the same downtown law firm. Many of our shared memories and jokes hearken back to those days. But over time each of these 2 have become so much more than work colleagues to me.

Lysa eventually got married and moved to Minnesota; Tamara left the firm, went back to school on the East Coast to get her Master's, and now lives about 2 hours away from me with her husband and two adorable boys. I'm still where I always was, since I seem to be incapable of change. Anyway, the three of us try to get together for a girls' dinner whenever Lysa comes to town, and tonight was the first night in a year that we were able to do so.

How precious it is to spend time with people who basically know your whole story. These women have been with me through a large percentage of my life. They oohed and aahed at the birth of my kids. They've listened to my whining about the dysfunction in my family. They've heard about my job frustrations more times than I can count. The two of them had a big part in holding me up last year when I quit my job, and then ended up not quitting my job after a month of indecision and stress. And I know that over the years I've been able to do the same for them in a bunch of situations too.

So today I am deeply grateful for the gift of friendship. And for the opportunity to reconnect. And for the bonds of memory, shared experiences, and love that stretch over time and distance to keep us connected.

gratitude challenge day 12

2008-11-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

This week I learned that my child sponsorship relationship with a little girl in Honduras has ended due to World Vision's completion of their project in her community. It has been my privilege to sponsor this child for the past 6 years, and our family is sad to be losing contact with her.

I used this opportunity, however, to choose another child to sponsor through Compassion. Now each of the four members of our family has our own sponsored child through Compassion, and we are privileged to know that our little bit of support touches lives in Haiti, Thailand, Uganda, and India.

So today I am thankful for the opportunity to touch someone else's life across the globe through the faithful dedication of organizations like Compassion and World Vision.