My Little Squirt

Just Some Pics

2008-01-29T21:41:00.001-06:00

Abbie is never too far away!

Delaney and her new pal Honey (my cousin J and aunt made Honey at Build a Be*r last weekend for Delaney!)

Again just showing Abbie is never too far away!

And just cause...

And I'm moving on over to a new blog address, The Delightful Delaney. I feel like it's just wrong to still have the address be mylittlemanfromvietnam - I don't want Delaney to get a complex or something (ok, yes, that's primarily sarcasm - but I still feel it's a good thing to make the move)! And I like the wordpress ability to password protect individual posts - something I'm not doing quite yet, but anticipate perhaps doing at some point. So please follow us over there!

One Whole Week

2008-01-23T17:00:00.001-06:00

Yesterday afternoon Delaney and I celebrated our one-week anniversary as a family. I actually can't believe it's been a week already since the papers were signed and she officially became my daughter. And it's only been not quite three weeks since the new agency accepted me and told me about this situation that might be developing. What a whirlwind. I will write more about all of that soon. We're settling in pretty well here at home - though I did jump back into work on a light scale already on Monday, so I'm looking forward to the weekend to try to get more organized and rested. I know, crazy about work, but it's working out ok since Delaney sleeps most of the time and I do work at home. Anyhow... on to the real reason you visit - pictures!

The first set below is an attempt to compare Abbie and Delaney's sizes - I don't think the shots do the differential justice but they crack me up anyway. As you can see, Abbie doesn't get too far away from us, but doesn't want to be too close either. But hmmm - notice how as soon as Delaney is not in the bassinet-type thing anymore (acquired in a big shopping trip at the big red megastore yesterday, which I think will work well for us) that a certain someone takes it over? Seriously - Abbie crawled in there somewhere around 8 this morning and she only JUST NOW finally crawled out of there. Too funny - apparently it appears to be just meant for her. We'll see who occupies it more.

Today was also our first official bath and as you will see it was not a big hit! I actually anticipated it to go this way, and I'm sure as we both get used to it things will go more smoothly. And in Delaney's defense, just prior to the bath challenge was a diaper blowout challenge where she did endure a bit more unpleasantness than she would have had to had I been a bit more on top of things. Anyhow - I must share the pics even though she'll someday wish I hadn't!

We had our first doctors appointment yesterday and Delaney was declared perfect! That comes, of course, as no surprise to her mama. She supposedly is up already to 6 lbs 8 oz - which seems like a huge jump so I'm not sure if that's a difference in scales or if she's really jumped that much. But she of course does need a bit of a gain so we'll just go with it.

Goodness - Abbie reclaimed the bassinet only 4 minutes after vacating it, and Delaney is snuggled in the crook of my arm again, so guess we will draw this post to a close!

Home Sweet Home

2008-01-21T23:47:00.001-06:00

Hi everyone - Delaney and I are home and all is well. She was an angel through all the traveling on Sunday, and she charms the socks off everyone she encounters - we realized it was a good thing we left ourselves plenty of time to get checked in and such since we hadn't realized the additional DD factor (Delaney Doll) where everyone has to peek and comment on what a doll she is. Of course many also felt the need to comment on the fact I was taking her out in the cold and/or on a plane when she was so young/little - Shawna, I figure you'll get a hoot out of that! I was of course pleasant in my responses, but you wouldn't believe how much I heard it! Yes, she's little, but she's going to be a Minnesota gal and being out in the cold is a fact of life! Of course this was not during the -15 days of Minneapolis this past weekend - that was always my comeback, that we were headed back to where it was much colder so I was easing her into it.

At the airport in Minneapolis I had some fabulous family meeting us and it was very touching, along with a small welcome home party by two of my closest aunts and two cousins who were very excited to meet the new addition. This coming weekend (and weeks ahead) we will try to catch up with many other family and friends so Delaney can charm their socks off too.

She's doing very well and we have our first doctor appointment on Tuesday just to get the ball rolling here at home and ensure she is indeed perfect even if she's in a small package. The biggest challenge here at home for her so far (and this was the case in the hotel as well) is that she really isn't crazy about the crib - I think it's just too big, dark and lonely for her. So despite my mother's disapproval, she tends to spend about as much time snuggling with me in bed as she does in the crib. I'm going to do some more research and play this one by ear a bit - even though she's only 10 days old, she's gone through many changes already (including her first night of life without anyone but staff watching over her as I wasn't able to see her that night) and I think the important thing for her right now is to feel secure as she sleeps, right?

I knew the cats would be a challenge, though for the most part this adjustment is going better than I expected. Both cats really gave my aunt a challenge while I was gone, bless her heart. With the way I had to rush out of town, they were very frazzled and on edge before I even walked out the door, which certainly didn't help. And Abbie has been struggling since I was gone for Christmas anyway - she's very high maintenance emotionally, and if you've been reading for a while you may remember she's actually on anti-depressants. Let's just say the behavior that necessitates the medication, which most people wouldn't put up with, has returned for the moment and I know it's frequency will get worse before it gets better. I'll spare you further details, trust me. Both cats are not sure what to make of this little noise machine that seems to be commandeering all of my attention now. Maddie stays fairly close to me, but at a safe distance. Whenever Delaney cries Maddie cries at me too, I can't quite tell what she's thinking but it sounds more like a cry of her being worried about the baby rather than hollering at me to make it stop. Abbie is intrigued by the baby, but I know she is jealous. She will make a move as if to try to figure out how to take over my lap but she has figured out it's not as easy as getting me to set aside my laptop. So she just stays fairly close by. We are one tight-knit family at the moment, wherever Delaney and I are, the two cats are usually not far behind. But I'm pleased so far with how they are transitioning - I expected it to be very rough, so thus far I'm pleased.

Just a few pictures - i know the one is mean of me to include cause she looks goofy, but I couldn't resist. At least it's a change from the usual sleeping newborn, right? And I loved watching Jenn and BJ take pictures of Amos next to a teddy bear each month to show how much he's growing, so I have to start the same thing. For this first try (which was at the hotel, I may take some different ones here at home and we'll see if I remember to keep doing this!) I'm using the gift that Elaine's mom was nice enough to make for Delaney - I can't wait until she's big enough to snuggle it! I had the fantastic opportunity to meet Elaine and her mom (of Looking for George) while I was in Ohio - she's one of my very favorite bloggers and I was so excited to have the chance to meet her (and of course shop one of the wackiest grocery stores I've ever seen!). Elaine, you'll laugh, Delaney must have been listening while we thought she was sleeping because she did a great half-imitation of Touchdown Jesus last night when we were just cuddling - I sure wish my camera had been within arm's reach! My describing it wouldn't do it justice, but suffice it to say I thought of you and the, what, exhibit? monument? immediately.

I've still got lots of catching up to do with blogs and emails, I'm making a tiny bit of progress each day but with a cat on one side and a baby on the other, you know, it might take me a bit. But I'm working on it! Still keeping my fingers crossed for those of you who have been waiting so much longer than you expected to get those I600 approvals. I'm hoping this will be a big week of progress, and I'm thinking of all of you.

The Latest

2008-01-17T16:40:00.001-06:00

Here's yet another picture of Delaney sleeping - still bad lighting and still bitty, but still cute, right?

We've had a pretty mellow couple of days since busting out of the hospital. In fact, until about 40 minutes ago when I headed down the hall to do a load of laundry, I hadn't even stepped out of the hotel room since we got back from the hospital! But she's doing quite well and we're both figuring out how this will all work. I think I'm a pretty cliche first mom - now understanding why they tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, why it'll be a challenge to get a shower, and how one can not have time or forget to eat. I've googled about newborns having hiccups, cause she gets them a lot and I worried it was me doing something wrong in feeding her or something. She isn't a fan of being washed up or getting her diaper changed, but she's a big fan of eating, sleeping and being wrapped up like a baby burrito. She's liking our Ergo baby carrier, and I love the size she is right now (Delaney, don't ever grow up!) because she can be in the carrier or snuggled in the crook of my leg and I can still blog surf and type or get a bit done around the room. It won't last, I know!

In a shocking development that I guess sure fits with the last two weeks but that I didn't expect, our ICPC clearance went through today and we're free to go home! I couldn't believe it when I was chatting with my Minnesota SW, she put me on hold for a few minutes, and came back saying it was the MN person on the other line giving the verbal we'd been cleared. I don't remember what ICPC stands for, but basically it's the process where both states (in this case Ohio and MN) sign off on the adoption and once I have the clearance we can leave Ohio. The Ohio SW said it *could* take 4-6 weeks but probably more like 1-2 and hardly ever over 2. Yeah, that 4-6 about gave me a heart attack and is one of many examples of how that person drove me just about crazy, but those are stories for another time. I've seen some families via blogs that were cleared in a few days, but I don't think it's very common and of course I thought at some point we were due for things to have a hiccup. But less than two days and we're cleared? Somebody is clearly watching over us.

As it happens, as I got the news my mom is on a plane from Daytona Beach (where she's staying for the winter to get away from the Minnesota cold) to Cincinnati to meet her first grandbaby. Though I'd teased that we were leaving when we got the clearance whether she was here or not, I couldn't really do that to her! Since she was just planning a short trip until Sunday anyway, I've decided we'll stay until Sunday too and we have flights leaving about the same time Sunday afternoon. It'll be nice to have those extra hands to get the car returned, things checked in, etc., so it's working out well.

Of course I'm anxious to get home - I've been worried about the cats who got very stressed with my rushed leaving last Friday and thus have only been somewhat cooperative with my aunt trying to take care of them. I know, they're cats and this is a trip to adopt a baby, but if you've been reading for a while you know the cats are quite important to me and have some challenges we've been working through. And of course I'm just anxious to get home, introduce Delaney to everyone and start our life together - I don't think it'll seem entirely real until we get home.

So that's the latest and greatest news. I am, as I'm sure many have noticed, extremely behind on returning emails and catching up to blogs. I'm making bits of progress here and there and I hope those of you I owe emails to will understand that it'll take a bit more time. But I really do thank everyone for the support and well wishes - I have a lot of new blogs to catch up to now and I am sincerely touched to be hearing from some folks that I hadn't been in touch with for a bit - I think you will know who you are. I'll have lots more stories about our experience to share as I get settled - I don't want to torture you with anything much longer than my usual monster-length novels!

I will admit, I'm having a bit of almost Survivor's Guilt this week, something similar to what Elaine touched upon in one of her recent posts. I am so, so grateful that I am now Delaney's mom and that this has fallen into place so quickly. I did have a lot of ups and downs in getting to this point and it has been a challenging two years to get here. But so many families have waited longer, with pictures of their little ones, and been through so much more than I have, and they still wait. My heart aches for families like Elaine, Emily, Shannon, Jen, Cindy, and all who are getting caught up in the changes in the VN process and/or with their other programs and are getting the short end of the stick so to speak. It's beyond time for your little ones to come home and I will keep crossing my fingers and saying some prayers that things fall into place soon for you (and everyone else waiting for VN, Kaz, etc.). I'm not sure why I'm suddenly so blessed with my Delaney (and of course it's not like I'll hand her back over to anybody and go back to the uncertainly with the rest of you, sorry!) but I am grateful even if feeling unsure of how I earned such a blessing. I don't think I'm even saying that well but I think many of you know what I'm trying to say.

One last thing for now, since this pertains to a couple of the emails I owe people and others may be wondering. The last I heard about the little 3-year old boy I'd mentioned in a recent blog post is that the family has not maintained contact with my agency. The agency is working very hard to track the family down and determine what the situation really is, because of course if the family wants to disrupt the adoption then they want to find that little boy his true forever family. Lisa, thank you so much for the update as I'd been wanting one from the agency but hadn't had the opportunity. I will keep checking in on the situation and I'm so thrilled that several of you were interested in knowing more. I will sure be thinking of the little boy, hoping maybe someone thought it'd be a fun prank or such since they've disappeared (I know, not likely), not that there really is this little boy out there not being wanted by his adoptive family just because of his color.

Expect more pics and updates through the weekend when Delaney turns on the charm with her new grandma!

The Big News

2008-01-15T15:21:00.001-06:00

Well, everyone, it's official - Delaney and I are family! Yesterday was a very crazy day with some stress and chaos and this morning had a bit too, but in the end everything is signed and the two of us are back at the hotel. She can definitely tell something is different, she's been a bit fussier than I'd previously seen her but now she's sleeping on my chest as I type. I got to see her birthmom briefly before we left and though it's hard to read how she's doing, she is solid in her decision and is looking forward to photos and other updates as we move forward which I'm thrilled to do for her.

Really, I just can't believe it. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and for something big to go wrong but other than a few local social worker challenges everything went off without a hitch. I'll share a few stories after I've caught my breath. I really didn't have doubted her birthmom would sign, but I just worried that something else would happen and they'd take her away. But nope, we're family now!

Of course more stories and pictures to come as I get settled, but figured at least a few people out there might be waiting to hear that it did happen!

Thanks for all the support - it's been so much fun to know so many others have been so excited for us. Now I just have to hope for quick state approvals (supposedly it could take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks - you know which I'm hoping for!) and then we can get home and truly start our life together.

Here are a couple of new pictures:

More later!

Today's Pics!

2008-01-13T22:11:00.001-06:00

Very mellow day today - just Delaney and I hanging out visiting with the staff and a bit with the other family with a baby in Delaney's transition room. She's just an angel baby, very mellow and has been a good eater. It's funny, this morning before I got there she'd been fussy and not eating well, and tonight when I had to leave (shift change for staff) for a bit apparently she was crying again. But put her in my arms, and she's an angel baby. Hopefully that's a sign of things to come!

It sounds like I *might* get to bring her back to the hotel with me Monday rather than have to wait until the papers are signed Tuesday. I'll believe it when I see it. But sounds like all is on track for papers to be signed mid-morning Tuesday. Though I don't anticipate any problems, it sure will be nice to have that done. Then we'll hang out and wait for papers to clear - a week or two hopefully no more.

So great day all around!

A couple of conclusions I've come to about Cincinnati (not the only conclusions, but prominent ones!): apparently they don't like to make it easy for you to figure out where you're going. For example, many cities clearly mark the turns to get on major highways. Not so much where I need to go! But everybody knows where the loopy thing is by the White Castle to get toward the entrance to the freeway! Also - nuttiest intersection I may have ever encountered, Vine and MLK. Honestly - no wonder I missed it the first times! If you've seen the intersection, I bet you agree. But I now have three straight problem free travels between the hospital and hotel, so I'm thrilled! I'll get a bit more adventurous (I'm told I must try the chili at Skyline) once the two of us are together and out and about on our own.

More tomorrow!

It's a...

2008-01-12T20:36:00.001-06:00

Ok, are you all ready for the big reveal? The big news, the scoop, the deets?

Would you like to know if it's a boy or a girl, maybe how big and some pics? I know, I said I wouldn't post pictures until the paperwork was signed, but I CANNOT resist. You'll see why...

So as for boy or girl. It's obvious, don't you think? What do you suppose someone who named their blog "my little man from vietnam" would be blessed with upon shifting gears?

Yep, it's a GIRL! From Cincinnati, Ohio (you were right, Elaine, and I knew you'd guess!). Obviously there will be further tweaking of the blog name once things are settled!

She was born at 9 p.m. Thursday night weighing in at 5 lbs, 10 oz. She's a bitty little thing. I spent much of today rocking her and I'm just over the moon.

I know, what you really want are the pictures - who am I kidding? Here are a few to get you started:

(and yes - either I have a gigantor hand, which I believe was basically a Seinfeld episode plot once upon a time, or she really is tiny. If you go with the idea that I've got a gigantor hand, then you must also believe in gigantor pacifiers too, right? Or I have a funhouse style camera. Yes, I'm delirious - perhaps I'll make sense tomorrow after some sleep...)

Of course I will share more pictures as I get more organized and catch my breath a bit. I'm not quite sure when she'll get to leave the hospital with me - the relinquishment papers will be signed hopefully Tuesday morning, so she may not get to come with me until then but I'm hoping for earlier. We'll see. In the meantime the hospital staff has been very nice, my hotel and their staff is great, and I even made it "home" from the hospital tonight with zero wrong turns - I'm now 1 for 4 on direct drives between the hotel and hospital, which is progress!

And of course the rest of the big reveal. I think her name will be Delaney Annabelle. Annabelle after my Aunt A who I've mentioned before who is like the sister I should have had. She's an Ann but we often call her Annabelle and I just thought it was cute. Delaney just cause I like it. The name really seems to fit her (which is already generating the nickname Laney Belle from me), though I will wait to consider it final to see how everything falls into place.

Ok, I am truly deliriously happy and deliriously tired. I will explain soon just how this really could all happen quickly, as I know it seems absolutely nuts.

But in the meantime, thanks so much for all the excitement and well wishes - I'm thrilled to get all of your comments! And please keep up the positive thinking/crossed fingers/prayers until Tuesday morning when the papers are signed.

Thanks!

All is well so far

2008-01-12T03:43:00.001-06:00

Just a quick note, as I have GOT to get at least a few hours of sleep, that I am here and all is well (other than getting quite lost to and from the hospital at 12:30 and 3:30 a.m.!). Baby is born but I have not been let in to see the baby yet (yep, keeping the gender a surprise for the moment!). But birthmom did want to see me tonight after all (initially she didn't want to meet me, or not right away), so raced back over there after checking into hotel and we spent a couple of hours visiting. And she's awesome. I am so glad I jumped on the plane, because it appears it is going to be a great situation.

More soon!

ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh

2008-01-11T23:17:00.001-06:00

Ok folks, as I started typing this I was sitting in the airport to head out to where there will probably be a baby waiting for me!!!

Need a second to pick your jaws up off the floor? Ok, I'll wait.

This has been the craziest day, really. I just don't even know what to say!

I knew that the legal team in the potential birthmother's state was meeting with her Thursday for the first time in person to get more background, gauge the situation, etc. Of course I was anxiously awaiting news on the outcome. This morning (I don't even know what time! Maybe it was early afternoon) I get a call that the meeting went well. But, there is some uncertainly about medical coverage so if I move ahead, there could be some risk. Oh and by the way she is checked into the hospital in full labor. Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!

I had to make some phone calls, get some opinions, gauge my ability to take a leap of faith and move ahead - all the while shaking of course because I need to make a very quick decision. Since I'm writing from the airport, you can guess what my choice was!

Then, I get the call that I can't stall until tomorrow or sometime in the weekend, the agency wants me to get there TONIGHT. Now, by the time we make this much progress, it is 3 p.m. There are not going to be a whole lot in the way of options to get there tonight! So I think somewhere this afternoon I took out an additional mortgage on my house to pay for the flight. But I'm doing it.

Even funnier - when I got the first call, I quickly started doing my laundry, thinking I might have to fly out tomorrow. Wouldn't you know, the dryer has decided today of all days it will not work properly - won't heat - so I am traveling with damp laundry! Thank goodness for those compression bags, at least it is contained within it's own wet self. I mean really, there was nothing I could do - no time to run elsewhere to dry it, and I don't have that much of a selection of what fits these days so I couldn't just pack other stuff. But I think it did make me pack less, so that's good. I actually have absolutely no idea what I will be wearing for the next 10-14 days, I don't even remember what's in there. Thank goodness I had already prepped the baby's stuff and had that mostly packed!

So here I sit waiting to travel a bit southeast (ok, by the time I can post this I'll be there, but you get what I mean). Of to the state of the AARG headquarters (I hope at least one, though maybe only one, person gets that reference!) and city of one of my favorite kinds of chili, though I've only ever met one other person in Minnesota who had ever heard of it before. Any guesses as to where I'm headed?

I sure plan to update this frequently. I probably will not post pictures of the little one until the papers are signed, which will be 72 hours. But I will at least keep everyone updated as to what is happening.

Though by the time you read this the baby will likely be born, please pray, cross fingers and toes, think good thoughts, whatever you have room and inclination to do (since I know much of that is already happening for lots of waiting families!) for us for this to actually work out smoothly... More soon!

Ringing in the New Year With a Bang

2008-01-06T12:24:00.001-06:00

Ok, talk about a day late and a dollar short in blogging about the new year. Well, I had a good reason, as you shall see.

Like many others out there, I am perfectly fine with saying goodbye to 2007. Of course there were ups and downs as there are with any old year, but as the clock struck midnight and 2007 turned to 2008, the nursery still stood empty. I remember throughout the holidays of 2006 toasting with family to hopefully having a new little one around by the new set of holidays. Granted I accepted by mid-year that wasn't likely going to happen, but it still stung as the holidays came again. I know there are a lot of you out there who felt much the same, or even worse, because you have been gazing at pictures for months and had every reason to have believed until recently that your little one would be home by the holidays.

But here we are now with 2008 and I am excited and ready to embrace it. This will be a stellar year for a lot of us, I am sure of it.

This past week has been... I honestly am not sure how to even describe it, though to say it's a been a whirlwind is an understatement. Thanks to an awesome friend who is now mama to one of the most adorable little girls I've ever met, I put my paperwork together to send to a new domestic adoption agency that she raved about. Since I have the best timing in the world, the paperwork arrived at the agency right before Christmas - and of course then you know it's unlikely much will happen until after the holidays.

So I sit, and sit, and start playing my head games again of how long I wait before I call to check in. Definitely wait to call until after New Year's. But not Wednesday, everyone is just catching up. Thursday I was just dying wanting to call - but I really wanted to wait until Friday. I got through the day, but barely.

Then about 10 p.m. Thursday night my phone rang and the caller id showed it was from the area of the new agency. But goodness, 10 p.m.? Luckily I answered (which I rarely do if I don't know who it is) and it was them!

Here's the basics of how the conversation went:
10:00:00 - Hi, I'm calling to tell you you're accepted with the agency
10:00:20 - And, I have a situation I'd like to run by you (yippee - I was hoping!)
10:00:40 - The potential birthmother is sitting at the hospital right now thinking she might be in labor.

Oh my gosh. Huh? What?

Alright, let me interject that I am still at home as I type this. However, the cell phone is never far from my side and many in my world are on alert that things could change quickly.

I don't want to say too much more about the situation, but of course I have to say a bit more, right? It wouldn't be fair to just leave you hanging, would it now? The potential birthmother is back home and things may take a while or they might not. More background and information is being gathered to try to determine what is going to happen. This isn't even considered a true match yet - in that if the situation develops, it's mine to accept or turn down, but it's really just all verbal at this point. But at the same time, this could be a match for me and I may need to jump on a plane at a moment's notice.

Honestly, can you believe it? Cause I sure can't!

I'm not even sure what kind of odds to put on this truly happening right now because there is a lot that would need to fall into place yet - so just for the heck of it, let's say 50-50. But it's still very oh-my-gosh worthy, don't you think?

As exciting as that is, just the fact that this agency has accepted me and I've been very impressed by them is enough to start my January off on the greatest note. Many, many families pursuing domestic adoptions have failed or false starts, and I fully expect (as disappointing as it may be) that I may experience it too. But this is the closest I've been to this happening in, well, just about forever, so it's exciting! I haven't left my original agency, this is in addition to that, so while things could still happen there I suspect things will move faster with the new agency (and they are awesome so far - which I guess I've already said a few times already!).

So let's see, life since 10 p.m. Thursday... Thursday night, no sleep. Friday, panicked shopping, since I hadn't been buying anything for a newborn! Saturday, washing, sterilizing, packing. Sunday, a bit of relaxing and staring at the cell phone. Today, staring at the cell phone. Tomorrow - you get the picture. I'm excited and nervous, but also at peace because it feels so right.

Of course more to come as things develop! Happy 2008 - here's to more I600's, VN approvals, referrals, and happy families being made throughout bloggerland.

Also... if any of you reading have been considering another adoption or know anybody... The new agency tonight mentioned a family they are working with who adopted a full African American baby boy domestically three years ago and they are now looking to place him with a new family. It honest-to-goodness is not related to issues with the little boy himself like you would usually see with a disruption. From what I've been told, this is completely an issue with the parents having made a poor decision on what they were comfortable with for their family make-up. If any of you or anyone you know would be interested in knowing more, please let me know and I'll get you in touch with the agency.

Stay tuned!

A Glimpse into My World

2007-12-12T10:21:00.000-06:00

I was tagged a few days ago by Lina to share a few things about me. I know I'm late getting going on this - sorry! But here goes...

1. I hate the phone. I mean I really hate the phone. If I can do it via the internet or email, I will. I even paid for a landline for months longer than I should have or wanted to because I put off calling to cancel it. I order pizza online. It's bad, really bad - and my family laughs about it and has learned to accept it, though some others are still catching on (in other words they don't seem to pick up on the fact that if your habit is to call me to chat while you're driving in rush hour and bored, I'm rarely if ever going to pick up because I hate the phone as it is, I'm usually still working when you call, and I hate talking to people while they're driving!).

2. I'm a worrier. I have a talent for finding things to get very worried about long before they happen or ever become a reality. I know I waste a lot of energy this way, but it's a hard habit to break!

3. Many moons (and pounds ago) I completed two marathons! I ran the Twin Cities in 1999 and Chicago in 2002. I haven't run consistently really since Chicago, and I miss it (and very much need to get back into it). Now when I say "run" let me clarify - even in "good" shape I was always a very SLOW runner. Realistically any races I ran I was just glad to stay ahead of the police cars in the back closing up the route. Ok, not always quite that slow, but pretty slow.

4. I actually have a license to drive a school bus. This is from back in my Y days of working at summer camp when we drove the routes for the kids ourselves and my first summer we desperately needed more drivers. I can't say I ever felt very comfortable doing it - too much responsibility. And one of my favorite campers of all time actually created a song for me - took a camp song and created all new words for it in my honor. Um, the song and my new nickname became "Kirby" which would more accurately be "Curby" because *supposedly* I ran over a few curbs here and there. Ok, so there was one turn at one school that we ALL notoriously had a problem with, what can I do. The funny thing is it became so ingrained that years later when I saw this young guy at a wedding, he calls across the place "Kirby!" to me - I don't know if he even remembered my real name!

5. I'm a horrible housekeeper. I mean really, I'm bad. While I like my place to be clean, and kick myself when it is because it is so relaxing to have a house in good shape, I just never keep up with it.

6. I'm not a fan of winter. A little tricky since most of my life has been lived in Minnesota, but I'm not a fan. We're buried in snow and it's currently 13 degrees and I'm not pleased. I know, it's December and Minnesota, what do you expect. Of course I don't care for the summer extremes either. Call me completely fair-weather - give me sunny and 60's or 70's and I'm quite content (perhaps a bit lame too, but contently lame).

7. Hmmm... I'm a bit of an entertainment world and reality tv show junkie. I've made progress in recovering from this, I really have, but I still tend to know and follow a ridiculously high volume of this kind of silliness. Just a good stress reliever I guess, and the tv shows are easy to have on in the background while I work or surf the internet at night, since I rarely just SIT and watch something start to finish anymore but like to have the background noise.

8. I'm a huge procrastinator. I mean really - I moved into my home 3 1/2 years ago and there is still a lot in boxes. I've resorted at times to buying new things rather than try to figure out where the originals are. Though I've been very proactive on any adoption-related paperwork, that's about the only category of anything in my life where I can say that. Christmas shopping? That's what the 23rd & 24th are for! Ok I'm not usually that bad, (anymore) mostly because I do as much as I can on the internet now instead. But I'm pretty sure I am the Queen of Procrastinators (that may be where some of the housekeeping challenges come in too).

Ok, there's plenty of insight into me - hope I haven't scared anyone off! As for tagging others - since I'm late in getting this done I'll just say if you haven't already participated, please consider this your invitation to do so!

In other news, or lack thereof...

Things are status-quo here. Maddie had a few really rough days where she just wouldn't eat at all and I was back to crying and worried. Monday night we hit a groove again and she's doing better. Apparently we are bored of chicken baby food and excited about ham. And cold or room temp will not do, it must be warm. I think a diva has been born but of course I'm catering to her every whim. I'm not sure how that will all turn out but I'm doing what I can.

Nothing really new adoption-wise, though I am working on one thing that could make a huge difference in making this happen. Last Friday I got to meet THE most adorable baby girl and I was smitten from the second I laid eyes on her. Her mama knows who I'm talking about! I'm excited to see all the I600 approvals out there and am thrilled to see a family or two traveling again. I am really keeping my fingers crossed for the rest of you waiting on your I600's - especially Elaine, S and Jen. I hope the next couple of weeks (egads, it's less than that now!) are productive for all of us so we have something to celebrate this Christmas, even if it's not the progress we were dreaming of. Ok, I know that's a huge mish-mash of a paragraph, but that's how I roll these days when my brainpower is this seriously diminished...

Update and Thanks

2007-11-29T21:46:00.000-06:00

First of all, thank you everybody who left comments and emailed me with support on my Maddie crisis. It has been such a tough couple of weeks and your support has made such a huge difference.

I am happy to report that we *maybe* have made it past the crisis stage of this. Last week during our multiple vet visits (we have had eight in two weeks) my amazing vet was just wringing his hands thinking that I was going to have to very soon accept she wouldn't make it. But this week we re-ran her kidney-related blood tests and there has been dramatic improvement in the main number. I won't feel completely secure in this until all of the numbers are within the comfort zones, but both my vet and I have hope now.

So today was our first day of doing the sub-Q fluids at home. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Maddie was a rock star - honestly, she did fantastic with it. Granted the better gauge of this will be how she does over the next few days as she figures out what I'm grabbing her for, but I'm grateful today went well.

Probably our biggest challenge at the moment (now that we should have thrice-weekly vet visits behind us) is her eating. For now all I am relatively successful in getting her to eat is chicken and gravy baby food. Off a baby spoon. After multiple attempts at cajoling her to eat (and convince her I'm not actually trying to torture or poison her). That is, unless it is say 4 a.m., when she is STARVING and apparently must eat RIGHT THAT MINUTE. And as much as I do not delight in stumbling to the kitchen at 4 a.m. to heat up baby food and feed my cat maybe three spoonfuls from a baby spoon, I do it gladly and willingly (for the moment). First, because anytime she shows she WANTS to eat these days I am thrilled. And second because this shows my true Maddie is still here - the girl LOVES to wake me up at obnoxious hours of the morning to get fed breakfast - which really is just a way to try to get me to let her play in the backyard - so to see her acting more like herself gives me hope and reassurance. How, you may ask, does a itty bitty kitty force me out of bed at these hours? Well, she sits and stares at me as a first attempt - which actually is hard to ignore. But if I try to ignore her, then she pats my face with her paw. Cute, but hard to sleep through. If I continue to ignore her, she starts chewing on my hair and/or batting at the lamp cord or whatever else she can do that I cannot ignore. But again, this week I will gladly take it!

So life is complicated at the moment with her needs, but that is so much better than where I thought we might be right now. I'll admit I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do about Christmas (I had just booked a ticket to see family in Florida when I realized she was sick) or having to travel for the adoption. This is the cat that not only needs daily sub-Q fluids and only eats off a baby spoon, but is also scared of every single human being in this universe except me. Hopefully things will continue to improve and I will come up with some options. Luckily my mom and brother are big cat folks too and completely understand if I don't get down there for Christmas after all. The adoption issue, who knows - but since I'm not all that convinced it'll even happen, I will wait to worry about that when it becomes a real problem (well, I'll try).

In adoption-land, who knows. The good news is that my agency now has a bona-fide approved orphanage agreement in place in a new province. Huge progress considering all the developments (or lack there-of) with my agency over the past six months. But how long it'll take before they have babies available to refer, who knows. I should be, worst-case scenario, #2 for a baby boy - thus part of my willingness to try to stick it out with them. And on the domestic front, my profile did finally get shown for the first time recently, and the agency involved said they have a lot of situations coming up and were glad to get my profile (they didn't receive it initially since my agency didn't think they really wanted single PAP's). I have also recently decided on the domestic front to be completely open on gender. Two years ago when I first started working on this, I absolutely thought I'd be requesting a girl. Then as I gave it more thought and researched, I embraced and grew very attached to the idea of a boy. First it was Guatemala, then Nepal, then Vietnam, now possibly the US. Bottom-line, I would like to be a parent and I will embrace whichever child finds his or her way to me! So I am happy to make this progress, but there is an awful lot ahead of me. Exhausting.

So, how many of you have checked with your agency to see if they're attending the big summit? I was disappointed to hear my agency is not going. I'm not sure why, but I do wish they were going to be there. I'm not sure how much can realistically be accomplished, but I (along with many of you out there I know) will be anxiously awaiting updates on what transpired.

Alright, time to go try to coax my kitty off the rocking chair in the baby's room (which is where she is in the pic at the top - and I torture her by swaddling her in that baby blanket, which I think she enjoys or perhaps just tolerates). Again, thank you so much for all the warm wishes and support!

My Maddie

2007-11-16T15:49:00.000-06:00

For those of you who glaze over when bloggers post about their pets, feel free to skip this post. There have been a couple of baby steps in my adoption world this week - nothing that sends me off on a shopping trip but a couple of good things that need to be done before there's a little one here. But this post isn't about that stuff, it's about what's been my world this week - my Maddie.

I'm a big pet person - I've posted pics and talked about my two cats here before, and I joke often that I'm about a step away from being one of those crazy-old-cat-ladies. But this week has been tough.

Last week, we were dog-sitting for my Aunt A's dog, Gidget (who's been featured here before too). Now, Abbie (my other cat) does fine with the dog, but Maddie is not a fan. We lived with my aunt and the dog for about 8 months, and the dog has stayed here for weekends before, so I knew that though Maddie wouldn't like it she would get through it.

So last weekend when Maddie was acting strangely, I figured it was just her readjusting and working to trust that her house was hers again. Monday I started to get more worried, and Tuesday I was terrified. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, and while I'd been noticing she'd been slimming down a bit, suddenly she seemed to tiny. Tuesday I could tell she was very uncomfortable and her cries were tortured. I had horrible visions of what has happened with some of our previous cats, where they have organ failure or such and waste away to nothing. Maddie is only 9, which isn't that much for an indoor cat, and she's never had a lick of health trouble before, so this was really scary.

I scheduled an appointment for Wednesday morning, and worked myself into a frenzy throughout Tuesday. Wednesday she weighed in at only 8 lbs. 5.5 ounces, which is normal for some cats, but she's usually been in the 12-13 lb range. The vet we saw (not the one my family has used for decades, but same clinic) agreed from the signs I shared that something was wrong and we ran tests. He suspected (in order of likelihood) diabetes, liver or kidney problems, or cancer. All of those sound pretty scary. We went home to await the test results. I researched feline diabetes, which would certainly change our world but would be manageable.

I woke Thursday feeling more optimistic about things. Maddie seemed to be feeling little better, and all of the signs I read seemed to perfectly fit the idea of a diabetic diagnosis. I was still worried, as all Maddie would take in was milk and she wouldn't leave my room, so something was definitely wrong. Of course the results took all day to get, then our favorite vet (truly the most amazing vet I've ever met) called me to tell me it wasn't very good news.

She has kidney disease, and the numbers related to her kidney are frighteningly out of whack. Of course I don't really understand them, but when something is supposed to be 18-26 and she's at 186, you know that's bad. As we talked about options, he said if I'm willing to try some things that might have some success, he'd like to see her as soon as possible to get some fluids into her. I'm not sure if I even said goodbye, I hung up the phone so fast, scooped her up and we were in the car on the way back to the vet. I made a couple of phone calls on the way (my mom, boss and good friend Carrie) and I don't think any of them could get much of what I said except that it was bad and I was scared.

We gave her some fluids, I think it's called sub-Q where it's like an IV but the needle goes under her skin rather than in a vein. Poor little thing got about two cups of fluids/electrolytes pumped into her and she was a very good sport until the end. We'll go back in and do this again on Monday, and it sounds like this might be something I need to learn to do at home (yikes, but of course I'm willing). There's also a med he wants me to give her each day to help her stomach/nausea - it's a shot that he had me do the first time in the office, and as soon as I'm done writing I guess it's time to go do it for today. And she will need to adjust to special kidney-friendly food, which we're working on and she is not going to be happy about.

I felt better driving home from the vet's office, determined to do whatever we can without making her suffer to make her better. The vet said that if these measures work and can kick start her kidney into functioning again, she could be with me for some time yet - at least a few years. If these things don't work, if she can't regain her strength and eating, she'll probably have less than a month. Obviously I am not ready to accept losing her in a matter of weeks.

Last night was a bit scary - the rest of the night I couldn't get her to touch any milk, never mind any of the food she's supposed to start eating. She curled up under the covers of my bed and wouldn't move. It has been a long time since I have cried as much as I have this week - you know, to the point where your face stings from all the tears?

But around 2:30 a.m. this morning, the little princess crawled out from under the covers and decided she was feeling better and was hungry. Ever since she's been willing to pick at combinations of treats and the healthy food - some tuna mixed with the canned food, or milk mixed with the liquid version of the healthy food. She even spent a few minutes hunting out in the backyard again, an activity she is obsessed with year-round but hadn't begged to do for days. So I sure think she's doing her part today - she's interested and willing to eat, and I'm going to be mixing and heating whatever she'll take whenever she'll take it.

I know we're not out of the woods yet, not even close. I'm glad that she's reacting to the sub-Q so quickly, the vet said 24-36 hours after it she would probably seem more lively again, the fact it only took a few hours seems like it's probably a good thing. He also thinks that we are catching up to this quite early in the disease because all of her blood-related numbers look really good. I think that will give us a better chance to turn things around. On a side note, anyone impressed with my clear medical knowledge? Yeah, didn't think so - neither am I. I've got a bit to learn as we go.

I'm not going to look too far ahead yet - for now my world just revolves primarily around keeping tabs on how this kitty is doing and being at her beck and call. These cats have gotten me through the toughest, darkest days of my life. Maddie in particular has always been very much my little rock. I have always feared the day that I will lose her, and to have it possibly so soon is breaking my heart.

I don't know much about kidney disease, but one of my co-workers this morning heard me updating people and said her cat has been living with it for four years and that it really is possible for things to get better. So that's what I'm shooting for.

See why I told some folks to go ahead and skip this one? I know that not everybody gets attached to their pets to the extent my family does. Here I've been worried about how both cats would adjust to a baby in the house and being without me for 2-3 weeks when I travel - that's sure on the back burner at the moment.

So that's been my week. I have lots of your blogs I've meant to comment on and such, but obviously I haven't necessarily gotten much of that done. I'm anxiously awaiting good news from several of you in the adoption world, and I can use some good news, so please be sure to fill me in!

Thanks for "listening"...

What to Say, What to Say

2007-11-07T11:19:00.000-06:00

Really, what can I say. I sit here with a pit in my stomach, a heavy heart, and every now and then, a bit of a need to run and vomit. Unless you have been living under a rock, you know what I'm talking about. Every day this situation with adoptions in Vietnam seems to get dirtier, messier and more likely to crash and burn entirely. I am beginning to doubt and try to accept that my child may not be coming from Vietnam. I hope that neither myself nor any of my blogging friends have referrals when and if this program is halted yet again.

I have so much I'd like to say about the current situation, but I think there are so many who have already said what I'm thinking, probably better than I can. Thank you to people like Nicki, Christina, Rachel, Laurie, Kelly, S, Sarah and Jena (and I'm sure I'm leaving out many of you!) who working so hard to enlighten and challenge people to learn about what is going on. I hope that you will not let the attacks and criticism hold you back from continuing to speak about what so many of us are thinking.

I strongly recommend everybody read this Ethica article on NOID's.

And if you don't already, please save this link to the Embassy in your favorites. This site and the VVAI site have become practically my home pages (thanks to the VVAI site for creating that list of agencies by province - I finally just copied it into word on both of my computers, I refer to it so often!). Why save the Embassy page? It's the place to go for the list of licensed agencies, the circulars and decrees, official statements, and oh - look - there's an email address at the bottom if you happen to want to email them support of their work in cleaning up the program (hint, hint).

I wasn't following this program in the days leading up to the shutdown, but I have to wonder how similar it was to what we're seeing now. I do hope that the current investigations and process changes can be the kick that's needed to get things back on track. I hope that with all the discussion, that even just a few people who didn't know or didn't believe will make different choices. To paraphrase an Oprah-ism, when you know better, you do better.

I don't believe everything I read on the internet, and I don't jump on bandwagons. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know I've been frustrated by the ethics and corruption in this program for months. People always want "concrete proof" of things, which is difficult to obtain in these kinds of situations (which the Ethica article addresses). When I see something that seems off to me, I research, read, learn, ponder, evaluate. Everybody needs to ascertain for themselves what they consider ethical, moral and legal and I know my position won't mesh with everyone else's. I worked in the marketing field for eight years. What does that matter? A couple of things. First, I know all too well how the man behind the curtain operates, how the spin is put on to lead the consumer to believe exactly what you want them to believe - so I think I can do a pretty good job of looking beyond the website and marketing materials of agency propaganda to see what else is going on. Second, notice I said worked as in past tense. I walked away from an industry where I was fairly successful to make far less money. Why? Mostly because I decided that the bigger paycheck wasn't worth it to me if I had to set aside my values. Of course there are opportunities to do marketing for worthwhile companies/groups/industries - if I ever delve back into marketing again it will only be for something I can fully stand behind. I make far less money now and my job doesn't utilize my degree or work experience in the least, but I'm content and not compromising who I am. At the end of the day that is important to me, and I follow that same track to the Nth degree in this hope to adopt.

I hope that someday I will be a parent, it's what I've dreamed of all of my life. I'm glad that I do have a concurrent path with my agency that they've allowed me pursue, due to the challenges of our VN program, because not everybody has that kind of option. I'm still hopeful that I will be traveling to Vietnam, I've spent over a year working specifically toward that goal. But if the only way to do it is through practices that I consider unethical, I am ready and willing to walk away.

So bravo to those of you who have your eyes open and are willing to continue to challenge and educate others.

The End is in Sight

2007-10-24T15:38:00.000-05:00

"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do." ~Pope John XXIII

I ran across the above quote this week and thought it was a good one to share and look back upon every once in a while. Not that this kind of outlook comes easily to me, but it would certainly be a good way to approach life.

I also got a fortune in my take-out the other night that I DEFINITELY need to hold onto: "Your present plans are going to succeed." I'll take that one! Here's the thing - I am NOTORIOUS for getting non-fortune fortune cookies. 99% of the time I get garbage like "Wisdom is a treasured quality" or something bland and boring like that. It may be true but it's not a "fortune"! Seriously, I don't get fortunes. I remember once I was telling a date about my lame legacy as we were at a Chinese restuarant and I once again got a non-fortune. He didn't believe my luck, so he asked the server to bring more cookies. I think I opened three more, all with the same results. So heck, when I get a fortune like this, I'll keep it! I may have to start checking my horoscope and playing hte lottery too!

See, Adoption-Powers-That-Be, I don't need big progress to be happy - little bits of fake progress work too!

I am on my last night of Puppy Week. Tomorrow afternoon I can head back to my regularly scheduled life (well, for a week, then I have a different pup in-house for the week). It actually has gone better than I expected, thankfully. Yesterday was particularly challenging because I got HAMMERED in work that I could only do on my home computer. But the pups were champs and my cats are not terribly happy with my nightly disappearances but they are hanging in there.

Tomorrow night is my Aunt A's big party. Technically it's her 50th birthday party, but the big reason we're making it such a big deal is that she is doing so well right now four years into a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. A few months ago she had given up on the party idea because her chemo just wasn't working well, but they have finally found the right combo and she's doing really well. She'll never be off chemo again, but she has such an amazing approach to it all. She really is the sister I never had, and we will all be kicking up our heels tomorrow.

I've had a lot of my fellow bloggers on my mind this week with the I-600 changes and general upheaval out there. I'm very sad for the delays this will likely cause some of you who have so diligently crossed the t's and dotted the i's and waited for oh-so-very long. I think the change is a good thing in the long run, but hate to see the seemingly sudden implementation keep families apart for the holidays.

There sure is a lot going on "out there" with Vietnam adoption. I haven't really tackled it here because I'm not sure I have anything of value to add when so many others have already addressed it thoroughly and eloquently. Or I should say I have plenty to say, I'm certainly plenty opinionated, but nothing quite yet. I'm very sad for the children who have had to be left behind in Vietnam while investigations are done, and I hope the increased scrutiny is a wake-up call for all of us to do everything we can to make sure our adoptions are ethical. I am continuously reading, learning, researching and re-evaluating everything I can about the process and my agency. I know I can't fix everything by myself, but I think if we all take the responsibility to make the best choices we can, we can make a difference. More on all that some other time I suppose...

Hope everyone in bloggerland is hanging in there and has a great weekend!

Confessions of a Gal Losing It...

2007-10-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

Ok, nothing quite that dramatic. In fact, this will likely be a pretty boring post! But I'm going to sprinkle in a few confessions for y'all.

1. I really don't like dogs licking my face. That actually applies to my cats too, but I have successfully broken my Abbie of that habit. But I am dog-sitting for my beloved Benny and Sophie this week (yes, ALL WEEK!) and Sophie the Diva insists that the only appropriate way to show her love for me is to lick my face. In her mind it is even better if she can do this at, say, 4 a.m. Am I crazy for not having an undying love of facial doggie kisses?

I've written I believe more than once about my friends Carrie and Rob and their dogs Benny (often referred to as my boyfriend) and Sophie. Somehow I have become the #1 dog-sitter, which can be a little chaotic but seems to work ok. This is the first time I'm doing this for a whole week - and I already miss my kitties though I will be home with them during the day since I work at home. I figure this is good training for me in many ways - dogs are definitely more demanding and needy than cats, for example.

Life is a bit crazy overall these days. It is our busiest season at work right now, and because I am paid by the work I do (rather than being salaried) I have the ability to really make up some financial ground. However, this leads to my next confession:

2. I'm not good at saying no.

Can you dog-sit for a week? Sure. Can you take a ton of extra work for the weekend, when you were already buried? Yep. Can you drive your cousins up to a friends house for the weekend, and take care of 92-year-old Grandpa for the weekend? Absolutely. Can you take Gidget the dog for a week in November? Why not? Can you spend a few hours at mom's to help with a bunch of projects before she leaves for Florida for a bit? Yes. Can you help with the party planning, invitations and party set-up for your Auntie A's 50th birthday celebration? Count me in. May I mention all of these things are happening within the same 2-3 week span of time?

Really, it's good. I like helping and it's work, family and friends asking, and in many cases I am being thoroughly appreciated and rewarded for the effort. But I am noticing more and more how I don't often say no, even if I really want and need to! This surprises me a bit, since frankly I can really be quite the b***h at times as well.

So lately other than a few dinners out (mostly as payback for favors done - see, it's not completely selfless!) or blog surfing, I am on the computer working nearly every minute I'm awake other than perhaps Sunday evenings. It's good in that it helps take my mind off this waiting, though the truth is that my job is not exactly challenging from a brain-power standpoint, so really as busy as I am I'm still adoption-obsessed. Goodness knows there's enough happening out there to be thinking about.

See? Told you it wouldn't be a terribly fascinating post! But it's better than me whining about all this waiting, right? Really there's nothing new on that front and I don't expect there to be for some time yet. In the meantime I'm just excited for the developments of some of my other favorite PAP's.

Oh yeah - my third confession...

3. I'm about a step away from being a blogger-stalker. Is that possible? If I'm bordering on creepy, will someone let me know before calling the authorities? Huh, you say? Well, I really do get really excited to see updates by my favorite bloggers. I cried when E finally got the referral of Quinn, and I was very excited to see baby Shane's picture too. I have a smile on my face everyday I get to see new shenanigans of Annslee, Amos and Lucy among many others (I don't mean to leave anyone out!). I'm anxiously awaiting travel plans for Quinn, Shane, Trey (blog to come yet) and of course many others. It took me 17 seconds to cry watching Kelley's video of Will and Ethan. I'm also anxiously awaiting an update from a special blogger friend of mine who I've promised to try not to pester too horribly - cryptic, yes, but I suspect she'll recognize herself. There are many others, but you get the idea.

I may have even been known to share blogs with my mom or force my aunt to watch videos of Jackson and his signing or giggling at the dog. I may, upon occasion, tell stories about fellow bloggers as if I really spend time with these families. There are a few bloggers that if I were to see in real life, I'd probably pounce on you in my interest to meet you. Oh, wait, I already did that this week to Jen and Lloyd of Maisy Joins the Pack.

Should I be concerned about myself?

There are days when the blog/yahoo group world makes me crazy-frustrated and it may seem ridiculous that I still follow along. But then I have not only learned so much but also shared so many moments of happiness and joy with the other families out there. I love the sense of camaraderie and I love how so much of the time we can support each other and pick each other up when we are having a down day. I love that I have developed friendships even "off-line" where if I am just worried that I am a crazy lunatic who has no business adopting, I can check in with someone and realize that I'm a-ok after all.

So I may be a blogger-stalker, but I don't think anyone needs to be afraid of me yet, right?

Alright, that does it for another rambling post from me. Here's to a week of progress and news for all of us this coming week!

Happy Anniversary to Me

2007-10-12T12:18:00.000-05:00

A whopping year ago today, I finally mailed my application in to my agency to officially start my adoption. Now, I had filled out the application seven months earlier, but a year ago is when I thought all the pieces were nearly in place to move forward. Suffice it to say I thought I'd for sure have a referral by now and possibly have even traveled, but it just wasn't meant to be.

One thing that is freakishly funny is that almost every time I hit a panic-meltdown mode in this process, where I am ready to throw in the towel or at a minimum change agencies/programs, something significant seems to progress with the current program. Seriously, this has now happened at least three times. Lo and behold, on Thursday I received an update from my agency about the status of the Vietnam program. This was huge, as things have been so unstable that there really have not been agency-wide updates. I may check in from time-to-time with my SW and get the "no news" response, but to have something initiated by the agency come out is a big shift from the past few months.

Let's just say that the program may fall into place after all! There is a long way to go, and while I'm excited I'm also taking a "I'll believe it when I see it" approach, I am feeling a bit of hope again. Believe me, I know that just because you think the pieces are in place (and we're not even that far yet) that for most agencies it takes a lot more to get the referrals actually flowing. So who knows, but it is progress and I'll take it!

With that update, I am feeling confident again in my decision to stick with my agency. I will leave my paperwork out there for the domestic program as well, and I know for either program it will still be a while before something big happens, but I'm back off the meltdown train again for the moment. Yippee! I can honestly tell you that I literally felt the weight of the stress I'd been carrying this week lift off my shoulders as I absorbed the email.

So, I can breathe a bit more easily again for at least 11 days (my previously mentioned tolerance level before I start getting antsy for an update - which doesn't carry me very far at this point of the process!).

Now, I keep meaning to mention this here, and I've been such a basketcase I keep forgetting. One of my favorite bloggers, E., is trying to get people to throw in their two cents on a survey about gender selection in adoption. Please take just a couple of minutes to jump over to her blog and send her your answers! You can find everything here: Survey. It doesn't matter what stage you're at, or even what country you've adopted from (right, E.?) - she's just trying to get honest insight from people about whether or not you chose gender in your adoption and why. No judgements, no debate - just an opportunity for us all to get some insight into why the imbalance exists. I actually found it interesting to go through the questions after all this time and remind myself why I made the decision I did. For me it was great timing, because for the domestic program I did stick with requesting a boy, though that will likely extend my wait time a bit. But in going through the questions (there are only five, it only takes a few minutes) I felt confident yet again in my decision.

So, please, bounce over there and participate! It won't hurt, I promise!

Calling All Medical Insight...

2007-10-10T13:59:00.000-05:00

Alright, is it possible to have situational bi-polar disorder? I mean really, the professionals may want to do a study if it's not something already in existence. And if your life is way too mellow and controlled (wait, everybody who reads my blog is involved in adopting, I think, in which case there is no such thing as mellow and controlled - right?) then I suggest you get the crazy idea to try to adopt. It'll turn things upside down in a quick hurry.

So really, this bi-polar thing. I'm not at all making light of those dealing with this in reality - I always feel the need to throw out disclaimers prior to possibly offending the universe... I'm kinda thinking in addition to my A-ADHD (Adoptive ADHD) there's A-Bi-Polar going on too. The highs, the lows... One day you're on top of the world feeling excited and on-course about adopting, the next day you're desiring to crawl under the covers. I mean really, is this necessary?

And while I'm ranting, Dear Mother Freaking Nature; Is it really necessary to shock us by throwing us 88 degree weather on Saturday and then on Wednesday have a high of 47? I mean, really, isn't that a bit extreme and unnecessary? Couldn't we meet some kind of moderate compromise? Yes it's Minnesota and we regularly have snow in October (all of you Minnesotans - how often do we STILL reference the Halloween Blizzard that was something like a decade ago?) but really, how about some nice Midwestern fall weather, say in the 60's? I don't mind the cool - but I'm not ready to be shivering yet.

I'm a bit feisty today, can you tell?

Not that anything's really changed. I just start to really doubt myself and my decisions - and I am tired of mustering up patience and more patience. I want to be DONE with this adoption and move on to being a parent. Am I on the right course? Should I be investigating other agencies for Vietnam? Should I be considering other programs? Since I'm single and want an infant, and cost is unfortunately a factor, perhaps Ethiopia is a program I should seriously investigate. I'm still excited about the domestic program, but it's so unpredictable. I could get a call tomorrow, I could be sitting here a year from now still waiting (ok, except let's be honest - I will be sitting in a padded room in a straight-jacket in a year if I'm still waiting). You just never know what will touch somebody with your profile - and I'm not entirely confident about mine.

If I win the lottery tonight that would sure lift a lot of stress off my shoulders - if only it were that easy!

Ok, yesterday's Oprah show... It was titled "Wombs for Rent" and was about a program developed in India where Indian women become surrogates for couples around the world (US, but also European, etc.). For $3,000-$5,000 this Indian woman is implanted with your embryo and you fly back when she is due, have your baby, come home. Much cheaper than hiring a surrogate here in the US.

The show focused a lot on how this program (there is currently a waiting list of 300 families) changes the lives of these Indian women - how that fee they earn creates a whole new life for them. It was presented as really a win-win situation - families who want children have an affordable way to do it and the women in India change their lives financially.

But I really went back and forth - it's very unconventional, for sure. Is it the perfect solution to help families get created? Or is it creeping toward (or over the line) taking advantage of a poor population with limited options?

I will say, the women appear to be very well taken care of during the pregnancy. But at the same time, the surrogates often feel the need to hide what they are doing from their family and community - their feeling the need to do that concerns me.

Thoughts?

Which leads me a bit into one last topic for the day, since I'm in a ranting mode. Language, specifically adoption-related language. I would love for everyone to understand, as of this moment, that commenting on having one's "own" kids vs. adopting is just wrong. Makes me want to vomit every time I hear it. You know what I mean - oh, if we can't have our own we'll just adopt. Oh, why not just have your own, now that you're adopting you'll have one of your own. If you're reading this, I doubt you're one of the ones saying it - and you probably don't need further explanation. But it drives me crazy!

There. I feel better now. I really should get some work done at some point today, right? And throw myself on the treadmill for a few minutes - I really am trying to get that routine going again, and it would certainly be a good way to balance my feistiness of the day, maybe even warm me up a little...

My Head Is Spinning

2007-10-10T00:05:00.000-05:00

I'm so dizzy - today has been like playing games when you're a child when you just spin and spin and spin.

So leading into today I've been writing a mongo blog post in my head including topics such as marathons, small victories, my pet peeves and my super-crazy townhouse association meeting. Then today it was going to be about my inability to say no to people and how that is creating an enormous amount of stress for me at the moment - and how that inability to say no and/or stand up for myself also leads to stressful holidays and birthdays - which is already happening in regards to this Christmas.

Then I watched Oprah this afternoon (ok, yesterday as it technically is Wednesday now) and my head spun more. Did anybody see it? That will be a whole separate post.

Then I got what could be potentially be great news from a friend tonight and if things work out I will be so thrilled.

So really, my head is spinning. After feeling quite stressed out most of the day, it is good that the day is finishing on a positive note. But I seriously just do not know how I will get any sleep tonight - and I have been exhausted all day!

So I guess I will just tease you all with all of that, and now I have a bit of a list to help remind myself of what I mean to cover. I will figure out what to say about what soon! And to the dozen of you I owe emails, I promise I will get to them - I haven't forgotten, and I know I've said that before. I just continue to beg forgiveness!

The Times They Are A Changin'

2007-10-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

I know once again I've been a bit quiet and absent. I have made some changes and decisions, and wasn't quite sure how much I wanted to say about it. But what the heck, why start keeping quiet about all the details now?

Anybody who's been checking in for a while knows that I am a "pilot family" (a phrase that makes me want to gag, seriously) with my agency. I started before they got their license, because we all thought it'd happen "any day now" and that after that, things would fly along. Ha! The volume of things I did not know about the adoption industry, and Vietnam adoption in particular, could probably fill a book at this point.

Several times over the past ten months I talked to my social worker in varying degrees about options. In January, she mentioned domestic adoption or Guatemala as options. In May, we talked in-depth about domestic, but I felt a bit too intimidated to pursue it. In July, I asked about Guatemala again - but we thought we were seeing progress on the Vietnam program so I held off. In September, I just had the feeling and realization that it was time to consider my options yet again. Nothing significant happened to lead to this - more so probably the lack of anything happening. This time, the idea of domestic adoption didn't intimidate me quite so much.

So, over the past few weeks I have thrown myself into putting together a profile and it is now out to the masses. I am told that because I am single, in all likelihood I will wait for some time to be matched. Then of course there are the risks that I think everyone imagines with domestic adoptions - the big one being matched and having the first parents change their mind. I am a bit worried about handling all of the possible ups and downs, and more waiting with no guaranteed outcome. But, in the midst of all of the uncertainty, I am feeling a serenity, a peace about having made this decision. Technically I am still logged in with the Vietnam program. If things happen to start moving, I can still pursue that route. But at this point, I think my focus and hopes are pinned on things proceeding with the domestic program.

I'm sure some of you would wonder why not just changes agencies? I've thought about it, and I just don't feel it's the right choice for me. One big reason is financial - to be honest, I can't really afford any adoption at this point, but I am doing it anyway. But I just can't see paying additional agency fees and a higher (likely much higher) in-country fee, probably re-doing dossier documents, etc. when I've already done it all once. Even so, probably the bigger reason for me is just the state of the program in Vietnam. The more I read, the more discouraged I am with how the program is really running. I picked my agency because I knew people with personal experience with them, and in working with them I know that they will not bow down to corrupt financial pressures. I don't have that much confidence in many, if any, other agencies out there that are open to new clients. I'm sure there are some solid choices - I know there are ethical adoptions happening in Vietnam. But there is so much bad stuff, and I can't always discern who the bad guys and the good guys are. For me, and I know this is a different decision for everyone, I would rather not adopt from Vietnam than move to another agency who is progressing just as slowly or worse yet, an agency I suspect is contributing to the problems. That's not to say I may not peek at a few options - I just don't know that there is one that would be a match for me.

The funny thing is, I have always wanted to adopt domestically - I just didn't think it was a very feasible option since I am single. And not every agency is very supportive of their single clients adopting, but mine is. I was excited to see in the last quarterly newsletter that two singles had recently adopted domestically! So I have hope, which I have for the first time in a while in this process. I really am so excited about the possibilities, even if I am at the same time terrified and scared and nervous.

So that's the latest from here. I will post more often again, though in all likelihood it'll just be more life stuff than adoption. And I'm still out there reading and celebrating what is happening with everyone else - there has been great news for several of you lately and I can't wait to follow the travels!

I'm still around...

2007-09-16T20:39:00.000-05:00

Has anyone been wondering? I am still around - life's been busy and the adoption has been... hmmm... I guess uneventful.

My lack of posting has mostly been a combination of two things - drowning in work/projects and frustration with the adoption. Today is the first day in several weeks where I actually have some guilt-free down-time. I'm sitting her poking around on my laptop watching what I perceive to be fairly boring Emmys so far. None of my favorites have been winning - boo.

But back to what you all really come here to check on - the adoption. It's been an interesting month or so, as I approach my one-year anniversary of officially working on this. I've done a lot of "if I knew then what I know now" and other "hindsight is 20/20" thinking - then I think about how I need to stop thinking like that. It can be a bit of a vicious circle.

Ooh - my boyfriend Jon Stewart just won an Emmy for his show, this broadcast may be worth watching after all. Now back to your previously scheduled ramblings...

When I committed to Vietnam for my adoption in July of '06, the program was still in it's infancy in terms of reopening. I was starting to follow groups and blogs, but in looking back I realize I was awfully naive in anticipating what was happening behind the scenes. These days, the more I read and watch, the more I am reminded that apparently some things never change. I certainly can't vouch for what is truly happening behind the scenes in Vietnam. However, I think we all know that there is some ugly stuff going on. But can't that be said for many international programs these days? I spent some time this evening catching up on the posts at Fleas Biting - if you aren't already a reader you may want to stop over.

I hate that children are considered a commodity by so many throughout the world. I hate that adoption is an industry and clearly for people in many countries (including our own at times) this business is not about the children. I'm not looking to adopt to save a child - but I've always wanted to be a mother, there are children who need homes, seems like such a simple equation. I admit, I guess a year ago I thought that yes, adoption was hard, but it should just be a matter of accomplishing the steps. You do the paperwork, you write the checks, you develop more patience than you thought you had, and the result is that a family is created.

Ah, but things are not that simple. I'm not sure when or even if the Vietnam program with my agency will be truly up and running. There has been no update other than "no news" for an infuriatingly long time now. Understand, I do not think my agency is trying to be misleading or difficult. I think they are an honest group of people who sincerely thought this would go more smoothly than it has. I have come to realize that there will be no quick, smooth patch in being a pilot family in this program - that to stick with it will mean letting go of timeline expectations (and I mean REALLY let go) and simply being ok with however long it takes.

But do I have what it takes to be that way? Probably not. I don't want to switch to another agency, for a myriad of reasons. But I have been talking with my SW about options and we'll see what happens. If nothing else, it has felt very good the past couple of weeks to have some control over this again - to be proactive in learning and making decisions and feeling like perhaps this will happen after all.

It has been very difficult for me to try to accept that in all likelihood I have many months of waiting yet ahead of me. I do believe I will eventually adopt - I've come too far and have too strong a desire to just walk away now (believe me, I've thought about it). But how that will look when it happens, I don't know.

So that's what's been happening on this end. I've actually come to a surprisingly calm acceptance of it all at the moment - though that can change day-by-day.

Now back to the Emmys, which I am back to accepting are really quite dull. Who is this old half-delusional woman presenting some boring category with Stanley Tucci???

I've Been Tagged Again and Other Misc Ramblings...

2007-08-26T20:44:00.000-05:00

Ok, I've been tagged by Shari! Here are the "rules":

You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had. When you are tagged, you need to write your own blog post containing your own middle name game facts. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged & to read your blog!

Alright, boy do I get a challenge with this one with my middle name - Elizabeth. Cripes - go grab a drink and a snack and get comfy, cause this will take a while! Then I'll have to be tagging half the blogging world in turn - so I'm going to be lazy and tag you here rather than leave comments, or else we'll never wrap this up!

Here we go:
E Excitable - good news, bad news, it all gets me mighty wound up!
L Loving and Loyal - to those I adore, I can get very "mama bear" and protective when needed
I Impatient - about many things, but mostly these days over this adoption!
Z Zzzzzz - I love a guilt-free day to sleep-in and snooze!
A Almost 40 - yikes, how did that happen?
B Babies on the brain
E Exercise - something I USED to be so good at doing, and now feel guilty daily for not doing.
T Talker - I really do talk too much (or write too much). I worry about it sometimes, I really do!
H Hugs - I love to give my friends and family hugs - I'm a hugger!

I see in catching up to some blogs that several of you have already been tagged - and I may re-tag some of you that I haven't realized yet are tagged. Basically let's say this - if you want to play, please do! And I'm trying to pick peeps who are pretty open with their info already - meaning if you don't really disclose your name on your blog, I won't ask you to disclose your middle name! Geez, how many more disclaimers shall I put on?

Ok, consider yourself tagged: Laurie, Nicki, Jen (VN or Bust!), Nesha (if you feel up to something light, I see you have a lot going on), Lina, Jen (Maisy's future mama), Megan, and to break out of the VN adopt circles I'll add Deanna (ok, you don't really have time right now, but maybe you could use the distraction!) and Karen.

Good grief - did I count that out correctly? Oops - actually I didn't the first time through. But I have now officially accomplished the task!

On other notes... this coming week I will be the proud owner of both a new furnace and new air conditioner. Just what I was looking to buy in the midst of the adoption. Consider it my second and third adoptions I guess, as they are tying up the funds I was hoping to use for #2! I know, nothing like getting way ahead of myself.

I knew I'd have to tackle this eventually, but my a/c has gone out. Granted I've been lucky and didn't really need it right now (no, Laurie, I promise I'm not trying to rub it in - is it still 90 in CO?) but I hated to spend $300 for the second summer in a row just to be told there were no guarantees how much longer it'd last. And I'm wimpy and am used to having a/c, part of which I justify with the fact I work at home. But really, if you tackle the a/c you need to tackle the equally old furnace. I know it's time, or will be soon. I was thinking about trying to squeak one more winter out of it. Then I had visions of being gone to VN over the winter and having the furnace go out while I'm gone, and being a Minnesotan it would of course be 90 below zero at the time, and it would just be ugly. And don't tell me that anybody, but especially a single female, won't get ripped off trying to buy a new furnace in the middle of winter.

So I am going ahead with it as I figured the comfort and peace of mind are worth doing it a little early. And I'll admit it, I am sort-of nerdily excited.

Aside from that, not much going on. I have reaffirmed that my lack-of-adoption-updates tolerance is 12 days. Which sucks, cause you can break down your adoption process into a heck of a lot of 12 day increments. And I don't feel very optimistic about getting solid news on anything too soon. So, struggling again with frustration on this and whether or not it will actually ever happen. I am about 11 months into this officially, and 19 months if you tack on the time between deciding to move forward and actually turning in the paperwork. I did some guesstimates today of how much longer I have ahead of me, and I wasn't a happy camper to put it together like that. But you never know, things could start moving at any time...

Perhaps this week will have some forward progress. Even if it doesn't, I'll have a new furnace and air conditioner to "play" with - and really, that's practically the same, right? ha - no, but I'll have to take it for now...

The Latest

2007-08-17T19:45:00.000-05:00

I don't feel like I really have all that much to blog about, just that it's been a bit and I should write something.

I've actually been in better spirits since my last post - I just had a rather down weekend there due to a lack of information and progress and I was just worn out by it all. Last week indicated more progress and I bounced back spirit-wise. But I am taking a bit of a step back - spending less time reading blogs and message group stuff, all of that. I think I had gotten to a point where just about my every waking moment was consumed with this adoption, and it was getting exhausting when you feel like you're not getting anywhere.

So, I'm taking the opportunity to work more, catch up with some books, play some games, see more of friends and family, sleep, etc. As Anne had mentioned, it's time to live and love this adoption journey again. It might manifest in a slightly different way for me than what she was saying, but I do need to make some adjustments - we'll see how succcessful I am! It's not that I'm not still paying attention to all the issues out there and happy for everyone's progress and successes, but I was beginning to worry a bit about what was left of me if you took the adoption out of the equation and how much pressure that could potentially create for the little guy when he comes home.

Wow - way more serious than I intended for this post! So I guess I'm just saying I'm still around, I'll still catch up to blogs sooner or later, but I'm trying to diversify my world a bit. Of course I can't pass by the updates of my very favorite, most addictive blogs of my real-life and blog-life friends, but I am not reading every update on every blog I can find in the universe every night.

So, if I'm not doing that, what am I doing?

Well, I was working quite a bit volunteering to get our agency picnic up and running for this past weekend, until Mother Nature decided to confuse us all by dropping the temperature a good 30 degrees and drench us from dawn to dusk. So, no picnic but all the nametags are ready! Shoot!

I dog-sat for my friends Carrie and Rob this past weekend as well - which is always amusing. The first pic below is my boyfriend Benny. He is just the sweetest dog all-around, even though he is quite shy about having his picture taken. He is very loving and cuddly, but old enough that he's fairly mellow and content just hanging out. He really is just a doll. Then the bottom pic is the baby of the family, Sophie Jean. Sophie cracks me up - she is such the younger sibling. She loves attention and thinks that she should be the center of it all of the time. But both dogs are very sweet dogs. I felt horrible leaving them on Sunday morning, but knew that my kitties were also in need of my attention which was indeed the case. I know some but not all of you will understand this, but it is going to be very, very hard for me to leave my cats for the length of time of my trip to Vietnam. I know they'll be ok and I'll be ok, and of course it is for a good reason, but it is really going to be tough on all of us.

In terms of actual adoption news, I did have some last week. My paperwork is at the DIA and may even be logged in! Or I should say I'm told it's logged in - I'm just looking at it as a bit of a "soft log-in" as it seemed to flow fairly quickly in getting to that point and I just want to be cautiously optimistic that the news is correct. I know other people have been waiting longer, but it does seem to vary a bit by agency and how many dossiers they've submitted (or so I've heard) and if that is the case it would be logical mine would move smoothly as I am just the 5th dossier sent over with my agency.

And though I don't have specifics to share, I am under the impression that we are making progress and getting closer to having things in place with orphanages. I won't relax on that front until I know for sure, but I am glad to be hearing things are happening.

So in the meantime, more waiting but hopefully of a less manic nature!

On that note, I think I am off to spend some time with the cats and dig into my latest read, "Maximum Ride" by James Patterson. I love Patterson and my brother had loaned me this book some time ago but I hadn't had a chance to dig in. It's one of a series and I love the characters. What better to do on a rainy, cold evening in Minnesota with pets who need some snuggle time? Not too much, I don't think!

Freaky

2007-08-11T21:09:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Groucho's Family I was led to The Book Quiz where the results are feeling a bit freakish tonight. I have to be honest - I can't remember if I like Faulkner or not, it's been many years since I've read any of his words, but the description below is pretty much hitting the nail on the head tonight (yes, in an overly dramatic fashion, but still pretty dang close). Ok, don't worry, I am discounting the "brilliant" comment, but the rest of it... I'm just having one of those weekends where I'm frustrated and ornery about this adoption process. Let's just say I hope something develops in terms of progress and/or good news in my adoption world this coming week or I'll be a lot of fun at the registration table of our adoption picnic next weekend... But seriously, go take the quiz!

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner
Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue, but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

On a brighter note... I did have the chance to meet up with Jennifer and Anne for dinner this week (Shawna, I'm sorry you couldn't make it but I know you couldn't pass up the new arrival!) and it was a blast. I had an awesome time getting to have such great discussions and I hated to leave. Luckily now I've learned that it's a pretty easy drive and I hope we get together regularly from here on out! As frustrating as this process is, I am a lucky gal to be making such great new friends online and now in person as well.

And I got to distract myself for a bit this afternoon with going to see The Bourne Ultimatum - which is just what you'd expect of it. I had to think how people who get motion sick could not possibly go see that movie, but all in all it was a good couple of hours. I hope they're already working on #4 cause there are definitely a few things I need more info on!

Alright, back to watching "Speed" for the 100th time on FX. Honestly, can you believe this movie came out the summer of 1994? I am so old...

Calling All Single PAP/AP's

2007-08-07T18:39:00.000-05:00

Stop on over at Jennifer's blog if you'd like to be added to a singles blog roll she's putting together. I'd love to see who else is out there! As much as I love following the blogs of all the families, I am thrilled whenever I find other singles. I have a feeling there are more of us out there than I've discovered on my own - so spread the word!

Whaddya know, a short post from me...