Cerebral Itch Scratch Pad

Can I get a Halelujah for a pipeline!

2008-09-04T12:24:00.000-07:00

Recent, pertinent and chilling.

Honky Tonk Hate Speak:Sarah Palin addresses, scratch that, incites the Republican base

2008-09-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

As Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin spoke in front of the massive half-ass Flickr slideshow that passes for the RNC's main stage backdrop, the blood must have ran cold for a great deal of Obama supporters.

Her telegenic lip-curling and nostril flaring, her developmentally disabled baby being passed from person to person like the prop from a bizarre nativity scene and the sarcastic venom that dripped from her impeccably glossed MILF lips left this blogger saying one thing, "Shit, the disenfranchised right-wing evangelicals have their Obama now." It was like the denouement from the plot of some sci-fi superhero movie where the hero must face down the bigger, meaner and stronger adversary in order to save the day. Palin is that adversary now.

When you can sell lines like, "My fellow citizens, the American presidency is not supposed to be a journey of "personal discovery" and not get laughed out of the room when you yourself have a questionable resume for the job you're applying for and a passport that is brand new is downright admirable.

One can only hope that she was queen for a day. That this was her zenith and election day will be her nadir. But it doesn't look like that. The pundits were stunned, charmed in fact. The conservative press hoisted her on their shoulders and the liberal press gave credit where credit was due. She will soldier on adding culture to the list that contains Afghanistan and Iraq as one more battleground. She will embrace her inner "pit bull", "barracuda" or what ever carnivorous appellation the right will brand her with. Her knocked-up kid will become the symbol of parental tolerance and unconditional love instead of a pox on her parenting skills for not embracing birth control the way the parent of a teenage girl living in a place where humping and binge drinking are the official sports during the cold months should. And thanks to the vulgar display of her new baby, any couple who wrestled with the decision of bringing a Downs baby into this world and made the opposite decision the Palins did will now be considered of something tantamount to eugenics.

Let's be honest. She backed Ted Stevens, her hubby (who by the way, if anything good comes of this, it's that man gets a tailor) belongs to a state succession group, she possesses the geopolitical knowledge-base of a third-rate Jeopardy applicant, she abused her executive power and attempts to ban library books that offend her Christian sensibilities. But man, can that broad gin up the base and look good doing it. She is the personification of the most obscene political calculus ever conceived. Hat's off to the guys in the back room that cooked this one up and hat's off to Palin for pulling it off.

As of tonight, McCain should just relent and slide to the back of the ticket and let her have the top job. He'd have a better shot at the White House that way.

Uh, is this mic on?

2008-09-03T21:43:00.001-07:00

The Chuck held court today for a gorgeous blooper and fed the beast with some innocent post-interview questioning that caused former McCain 2000 campaign manager and Republican strategist, Mike Murphy and Wall Street Journal columnist, Peggy Noonan to voice their genuine opinions about Sarah Palin and the new Republican gameplan while their microphones were mistakenly still hot.

Just the fact that the acclaimed wordsmith and doyenne of diction, Peggy Noonan uses the word "bullshit" makes this a classic and perhaps the greatest soundbite for a dance mashup since the Barbra Streisand classic. The surrounding content of her profanity is in direct contradiction to her column in the Wall Street Journal this morning which heaped praise on the "transformative" figure that is Palin. It brings this to a level of irony that is to be relished by all political junkies and anyone who gives a less than Christian gesture to the screen when Noonan comes on.

UPDATE: Noonan's column is now complete with a mea culpa posited as her "mugging" by the media. She also proclaimed regret for "blurting" a "barnyard epithet". Sorry honey, when you say "excuse me" before you let loose with your potty word, you ain't blurtin' a thing - that's premeditated cussin'.

Pile On!

2008-08-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

At least there was only one Jeremiah Wright.

The Los Angeles Times talks to us about Chuck Todd...Go figure

2008-08-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

The Los Angeles Times ran a story on Chuck Todd and apparently had to fill some space and interviewed us about our other site Viva Chuck Todd. Check it out. It actually looks like we can put a cogent thought together.

And McCain shoots...he scores!But Jesus Saves!

2008-08-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

Holy god (allow me to be irreverent and ironic right off the bat)! Senator John McCain saw the opportunity to finally get out there and grease the skids with the religious right and man, did that sallow septuagenarian hit his mark.

As the light shone down from the hallowed rafters of Reverend Rick Warren's Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA, John McCain broke the indoor speed record for evangelical ass-kissing by one person. Honestly, does one person really need to invoke Reagan's "shining city on the hill" schtick, Rwandan Missionary work, Georgian 3rd century Judeo-Christian roots and Mother Theresa in under four minutes?

The best part was when Pastor, er Reverend, uh high media priest...whatever Warren asked what makes him a follower of Christ and Senator McCain told a story about his captivity and a guard who showed him not only a semblance of mercy while being tortured, but drew him a cross in the dirt and shared a moment as two Christians. Fine, great story. Would look great on film except...John McCain to this day, refuses to stop referring to his captors as anything but "gooks". Okay fine, Christian gooks then. Another "hey, nobody's paying attention" high point was when Senator McCain humbly referred to some of the "worst places in the world", "dark corners", "little places like Belarus" in a way that made you tear up from the admiration he was emoting; wait a minute, did you say "Belarus"? You mean the same sh*thole you used as a punchline when you wanted to jokingly exile uber-lobbyist and former senator Phil Gramm after he called us a nation of whiners? Yeah it was and tonight you set things straight. Well, hats off to you Senator!

And in all fairness, Obama sucked. He tried to be sincere, but came off as verbose and trying way too hard. Cut the man some slack though; he just was in Hawaii for a week. Take it from me, if there's one place in the world that's going to cause some mental atrophy, it's that place.

We also have to give MCain credit where credit's due for smoking Obama in the speed round for answering "at the moment of conception". Boom! done! "Thank you ladies and gentlemen and good night. Don't forget to vote for me on one issue and only one".

And one more thing before I have to get ready for church. Why aren't there hordes of secular Americans AND people of faith who have an academic understanding of our Constitution marching on Washington in protest that the first semi-official showdown between two candidates for the President of the United States was in a mega-church?! Oh that's right, we're in the minority.

Hell in a handbasket

2008-08-11T17:34:00.000-07:00

While everyone watches pretty lights twinkle in a dirty city, a boy swim really fast and yet another politician succumb to hubris and lust; this is what really happened in the last 72 hours:

Russia flexes it dormant muscles and seizes former chunk of the USSR with brutal relish
Islamic separatists displace 130,000 Filipinos - a humanitarian disaster looms
oh yeah, two wars still cooking and the U.S. was just bumped by China as the biggest manufacturer.

Enjoy the Olympics

Cokie Roberts: Haole Idiot

2008-08-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

Newsflash: East Coast intellectual snob flummoxed over African-American male spiriting off to an exotic locale to do god knows what.

Just the fact that this colonial hag felt she had to clarify that Hawaii is a state is reason enough to back Obama; just so she'll clutch her purse that much tighter when a darkie walks past.

Greatest Commercial...ever

2008-08-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

I would've given a years salary to be in on the ad agency's pitch meeting.

"Okay so we're going to have daytime fireworks but using paint instead punctuated by classical music with a spooky-ass clown running around wildly as the true personification of hue-addled jubilation. Work with me people! This'll be spectacular! If you don't sign-off on this, you're all a bunch of myopic philistines!"

Wrong on so many levels

2008-08-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

Apparently Liz Taylor is in the hospital for one of the 1674 ailments her body is wracked with; sad enough. But what is really sad was the statement her publicist let loose with:

"Ms. Taylor is fine. Her hospital visit was precautionary. She will be returning home shortly. At present, she is surrounded by family, friends and fabulous jewels."

"Fabulous jewels", "fabulous jewels"?! In the midst of an economic tailspin, a constitution under siege and reality shows, Dame Elizabeth Taylor's publicist chose words that might've resonated entertainingly in the early 60's or 80's but now they're vulgar, out of touch and stupid.

Hey wait a minute? Does that guy work for the McCain campaign?

One Grumpy Old Man calling out another...hard

2008-08-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

Jack Cafferty, curmudgeon extraordinaire on CNN nails it on the head regarding McCain and his pissy, envious hypocrisies.

We have to point out that the the latest McCain ad which includes Britney Spears and Paris Hilton just underscores how ridiculously out of touch he is with pop culture and the youth vote. Hilton and Spears are so 2005 it's not even funny. They're yesterday's news. But then again, this is coming from a guy if asked who should be a singled out in an ad showing sexpots with international appeal he probably would say Elke Sommer and Gina Lollobrigida

Hey Look, I'm Phoning It In! Ha!

2008-07-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven't been updating this site frequently: sue me. I have a good reason though, this blog isn't getting mentioned on national television, this one is - check it.

Too Soon? apparently not anymore

2008-07-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

Andrew 1: Knock knock.
New York: Who’s there?
Andrew 1: 9/11
New York: 9/11 who?
Andrew 1: You said you’d never forget.
click here

proving the old adage - tragedy plus time equals comedy

source

Hey Look! Another reason to celebrate the 4th!

2008-07-04T00:56:00.000-07:00

The great polemicist Christopher Hitchens is quoted to have said on the death of Jerry Falwell, "If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbook." I would like to echo that sentiment for the late Jesse Helms. He was a small-minded monster bent of depriving a great deal of Americans their rights.

All I hope is Mapplethorpe got the memo and is on his way to give Helms the business end of his bullwhip.

Happy 4th of July

2008-07-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

This should be the national anthem and never again heard sung by anyone else other than Ray Charles.

May you and your family have a happy and safe celebration of our country's independence.

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Presidency

2008-07-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

It'd be more funny if it wasn't so f'ing true.

Quantum of Solace trailer

2008-06-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

If my November 7th weekend consists of Bond, President-Elect Obama, Opus One and a Davidoff Churchill I will be a happy man.

CHUCKTODD08.com Launches:Numbers rule and so should Chuck

2008-06-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

Many readers of our companion blog Viva Chuck Todd have been lamenting the understandable absence of The Chuck. It has been cruel summer so far, but we think we found the right place to lift a Chuckolyte's spirits: Chucktodd08.com. A page with links to all you need to know about the ultimate political candidate of the season. There are new e-cards, polls, Chuck08 merchandise in which all proceeds go to Tim Russert charities and links to other supporters of this fine endeavor.

Let us know what you think about Chucktodd08.com. If we hear from enough of you we may actually get him to run.

F%$#ing Vulgar

2008-06-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

Hell, we're America. We'll capitalize on anything hot to make a buck.

John McCain:Luddite

2008-06-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

Not only does this man declare himself to be "illiterate" concerning the most ubiquitous device since the television, but finds it amusingly quaint to admit that he needs his wife's help. I'm starting to think he's as bright as Bush with slightly better syntax.

Disbelief owns the night: Tim Russert 1950-2008

2008-06-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

Keith Olbermann does what he does best for a figure lost from our daily routines.

Tim Russert was a man that demanded that we all pause. Pause what we were doing because his word and his alone validated the days events on all things political. His declaration of Senator Barack Obama as the Democratic nominee after the Indiana primary was the unofficial whistle that ended the Democratic Primary season. His statement to that effect, lit up Blackberries across the beltway and people listened. He had power. Power earned from respect, intellect and experience. Power that had a countervailing humility and warmth that no other journalist could match.

You will be missed, mourned and remembered Mr. Russert. And forever conjured by fans who will remark, "I wonder what Russert would think of that?"

A glass will be raised to you on election night. For it will be a little less enjoyable because you wont be there to enjoy it with us.

Our thought and prayers to you, your family and your friends.

Free Father's Day e-cards from Cerebral Itch

2008-06-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

You knew we couldn't resist bringing the Cerebral Itch flavor down on Father's Day. With that said, we have 12 new Father's Day e-cards that will most assuredly make the old man laugh...hard. Here's a sample:

We live in historic times

2008-06-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Below is an excerpt of an email sent to Columnist Andrew Sullivan from one of his readers for his blog the Daily Dish. I felt it needed to be reprinted so others could feel something, if not new, long absent.

Tomorrow I will go to the African American cemetery outside of Chicago where my great-grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, neighbors, and my mother and father are buried. And I will tell them that they were right -- that if we studied hard, worked hard, kept the faith, fought for justice, prayed, that this day would come.

And it has.

Viva Chuck Todd

2008-06-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, bear with us on this one.

We launched another blog - Viva Chuck Todd

I know, I know what you're going to say: "You were barely able to keep this one under control ya' dragass!" Fair enough, but this one's different in the fact that people actually read it. There's several contributors who aren't as bitter as me, Chuck Todd swag and free Chuck Todd-themed e-cards.

If you don't know who Chuck Todd is, you should. He's the NBC News Political Director and sort of the unlikely hero of this clusterf*k of the now near-death (thank god) primary season. Chuck Todd is a brilliant, humble and unflappable guy who makes you actually believe someone at least knows what the hell is going on. If you're a fan of The Chuck get over there and join your brethren, if not, stay here. Veejay and Silvio made fake press credentials at Kinkos and are with the Clinton people in Puerto Rico. You know that's not good.

Well, at least we can make a guess at how that RFK gaffe fell out of her mouth

2008-05-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, far be it from me to come to the Clinton's defense but man! What a hatchet job the New York Times and MSNBC did on her with one simple headline and a corresponding picture.

Apparently the junior Senator from New York likes her Maker's Mark at the end of a hard day of campaigning. And rumor has it she can drink the hardiest correspondent under the table like Indy's girlfriend Marion in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Like we're shocked.

But the picture they put with the headline "Clinton burnishes her cocktail credentials" is something you'd see in a 1963 Esquire issue. The juxtaposition of Hillary's picture (looking like she's singing raunchy bar songs) and the headline containing the word "cocktail" is pure editorializing and simultaneous comedic genius. It's the perfect weekend piece for the last remaining primaries since her campaign is so goddamned absurd. It's as if you could almost hear the editors going "fuck it, what's she going to do? Refuse an interview? Hell, it'll probably help her with Appalachia voters."