A.H.O.Y. 2006

SURGE PROTECTOR George W. Bush YOUR 2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR

2007-02-02T00:19:00.000-08:00

In 2006, George announced that he favors a temporary:

a) U.S. Guest worker program.

b) "Surge" in troops to Iraq.

c) Spy program on selected U.S. citizens.

d) Budget deficit.

e) All of the above.

In early 2006, George told Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki during a face-to-face meeting:

a) "I am impressed by the strength of your character and your desire to succeed and I am impressed by your strategy."

b) "Do I make you horny? How about shedding the shirt and sending me a picture? I would love a picture."

c) "I have the feeling that about 60 percent of what you say is crap."

d) "You've got that little smirk on your face and you think you're so clever. But I had responsibility for trying to protect this country. I tried and I failed to get bin Laden. I regret it. But I did try."

e) "I don't care what people are saying uptown, or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate by the end of the day."

Editorial: TRANSCRIPT OF DICK CHENEY'S NEXT RALLY WITH U.S. TROOPS IN IRAQ

2007-02-01T00:02:00.000-08:00

VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you. (Applause) Wow, that's quite a welcome. Lynne, the little test-tube grandkid and I are delighted to be here today. And I want to thank you for that fantastic welcome.

Let me say good afternoon to my fellow Americans. It's great to be here today at Camp Victory! (Light applause.)

I have a message from the folks back home: We're grateful for your service in "Operation One More Desert Crackdown II," and we're delighted with the progress that’s being made. (Sound of cough in back.)

I'm only sorry I couldn't come last month. They told me Britney Spears-Wolfowitz was here, and the doctor said my heart couldn’t take the excitement. (Sound of potato chip being crunched.)

But, seriously, I was last here two years ago, and it’s obvious to me that we have finally turned the page in the war on terror. (Laughter.)

And make no mistake about it. We are winning this war! (Sound of "Meow" from back row. Followed by "Moo," "Cock-a-doodle-doo," barnyard noises.)

OFF-MIKE VOICE: All right, you assholes! Knock it off!

VICE PRESIDENT: … And I wanted to let you know how much I personally appreciate the sacrifices you’ve made. (Pin dropping onto floor.)

And to each and every one of you, I bring the personal gratitude and the good wishes of our Commander-in-Chief, President George W. Bush. (Sound of knee cracking, as White House aide bends to retrieve pin.)

It’s now been seven years since the United States was attacked by a terror network much like the one that was at the time believed by all to be planned by the evil monster dictator, the late Saddam Hussein. (Throat cleared in back row.)

And certainly, nobody can ever forget the unforgettable events of September 11th, 2001. (Sound of wind blowing outside auditorium.)

Now, with the help of our great former allies, we have brought democracy to Iraq and built a great, professional Iraqi Army. (Sneezing. Burps. Passing of gas. Laughter.)

OFF-MIKE VOICE: All right, you assholes! That’s enough!

VICE PRESIDENT: It’s now nearly six years since the liberation of Baghdad. I know, to some of us, it seems like yesterday. (Sound of sweat droplet from vice president’s nose splashing on floor.)

So, in conclusion, thanks again for everything. (Loud ticking of Vice President’s watch.)

If any of you have any questions.... (Chairs being folded.) Um, I was told I could get a picture with some of you? (Auditorium emptying.) One of you...?

ISN'T IT IRANIC... DON'T'CHA THINK? 2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

2007-02-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

In 2006, Mahmoud came out in opposition to:

a) Birth control.

b) Neckties.

c) Jews.

d) World peace.

e) All of the above.

After being elected President of Iran, Mahmoud went to his people and said:

a) "Thanks to the blood of the martyrs, a new Islamic revolution has arisen."

b) "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best for us is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense."

c) "You study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

d) "Hey, let's get drunk and start World War III!"

Editorial: AN INCONVENIENT RUTH

2007-01-31T00:05:00.000-08:00

It sucks hard that San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds fell out of the top 40 in 2006 because––alongside 26 HR and 77 RBI––he gave us some great pictures last year.

THE SHOOTIST 3. Dick Cheney

2007-01-31T00:01:00.000-08:00

To avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Dick:

a) Applied for and received five deferments.

b) Lined his butt with peanut butter before his Army physical.

c) Noted that, as a devout Quaker, he is morally and philosophically opposed to all war.

d) Told Army psychiatrists he feared his future daughter would be gay.

Dick in 2006 described the near death of his friend, Harry Whittington, this way:

a) "The image of him falling is something I'll never be able to get out of my mind. I fired, and there's Harry falling. And it was, I'd have to say, one of the worst days of my life, at that moment."

b) "A little blood. A little pain. Nothing to write home about. Hell, I'm not running for office again. What's he gonna do, not vote for me?"

c) "It wasn't my kill shot. If I'd used my kill shot, he wouldn't be talking about it now."

d) "Immediately, he started apologizing. At first, I wanted none of it. But as the extent of his injuries became clear, I started to feel sorry for him. I motioned for the doctor, even though I knew it meant the press would soon be making a big stink. But that's me. Helping him was just the right thing to do."

GUILTY PLEASURE 4. O.J. Simpson

2007-01-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

In 2006, Fox scuttled plans for a televised two-part interview with O.J. after:

a) Network affiliates threatened not to air it.

b) Rupert Murdoch evolved a conscience.

c) The world rebelled.

d) Charles Manson became available.

Fox promoted its special on O.J.'s book, If I Did It, by saying:

a) "O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes."

b) "You think we're evil? Wait'll you see this!"

c) "Why is everybody so pissed about this? Nobody minded when we interviewed Dick Cheney."

d) "O.J.'s back, and the knife cuts both ways! An all-new O.J. Blood-of-the-Slasher Confessional, after Pardon My Feces, tonight on Fox!"

MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD 5. Kim Jong Il

2007-01-29T00:36:00.000-08:00

According to North Korean media, the first time Jong Il ever played golf:

a) He shot five holes-in-one and finished the day 38 under-par.

b) He scored three touchdowns and led his team to victory.

c) He got drunk off his ass.

Jong Il claims that, because he is God's chosen leader, it is his divine right to possess:

a) Nuclear missiles.

b) Palace uniforms as cool as the ones in The Wizard of Oz.

c) Wallet photographs of Vin Diesel.

d) The head of Vin Diesel.

WHO MADE THE TOP FIVE?Beware The Eyes That Paralyze

2007-01-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

Five fingers.

Five toes.

Five oceans.

Five books of Moses.

Five pillars of Islam.

Five pedals on a rose.

Five digits in a zip code.

And five candidates left for 2006 A.H.O.Y.

BEGINNING MONDAY:

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN.

AHOY WEEK IN AMERICA.

PENTA-GONE 6. Donald Rumsfeld

2007-01-25T00:05:00.000-08:00

In early 2006, eight retired generals recommended that Donald:

a) Resign.

b) Hike the world, plant a tree, fall in love, live.

c) Take up full-contact rugby.

d) Slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Sam.

In Donald's Pentagon farewell ceremony, Vice President Dick Cheney called him:

a) "The finest Secretary of Defense this nation has ever had."

b) "Macaca."

c) Sugartits"

d) "The boss with the sauce, the man with the plan, the hot Secretary with the overripe cherry - no, wait, that's Condi. (laughter applause).. The man who brought venereal disease to Washington. (laughter, applause) Seriously, though, folks, he's truly a great sport and all-around good guy."

e) "Mister My-Way-Or-the-Highway. Well, I guess that's finally been decided!"

SUGARTIT INSPECTOR 7. Mel Gibson

2007-01-25T00:04:00.000-08:00

In 2006, while drunkenly raving about Jews to the Los Angeles Police Department, Mel repeatedly called a female sergeant:

a) "Sugartits."

b) "Sugar Bush."

c) "Macaca."

d) "Sergeant Bagelwitz."

e) "Officer Oinker."

During his tirade, Mel reportedly blamed the Jews for:

a) All the wars in the world.

b) Nasty reviews of "The Passion of the Christ."

c) Cheap movie budgets.

d) Making the road dance around, as it was doing before he was pulled over.

UGLY BETTY 8. Ann Coulter

2007-01-25T00:03:00.000-08:00

In her 2006 book, "Godless," Ann playfully chided the 9-11 widows, saying:

a) "How do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy."

b) "How do we know their husbands weren't liberals? If so, everyone is better off without them."

c) "How do we know their husbands didn't hate their lives? They're probably better off dead."

d) "How do we know these women didn't bomb the buildings? Have they been questioned?"

Ann, to coax chuckles from audiences, often refers to Arabs as:

a) "Camel jockeys."

b) "Ragheads."

c) "Jihad monkeys."

d) "Tent merchants."

e) All of the above.

DOCTOR PARKINSON 9. Rush Limbaugh

2007-01-25T00:02:00.000-08:00

In 2006, Rush said of actor Michael J. Fox:

a) "He is exaggerating the effects of [Parkinson's Disease]. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act.... This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting."

b) "I don't believe the time travel machine used by Michael J. Fox in the 'Back to the Future' movies is feasible. But I'm mostly interested in what you people have to say. As you know, that's the reason for this show."

c) "That thin body, the straight hair - Michael J. Fox does nothing for me, nothing. Now, Vin Diesel! G-r-r-r-r-r-ow! Oh, yeah, come over to Mount Rushimo, my little Diesel putt-putt pudding-maker!"

In the spirit of good clean fun, Rush often refers to U.S. Senator Barack Obama as:

a) "Barack Hussein Odumbo."

b) "Barack Hussein Obama."

c) "Osama Obama."

WHO FIRED YOU FOR BEING TOO CRASS? 10. Judith Regan

2007-01-25T00:01:00.000-08:00

In 2006, Rupert Murdoch fired Judith after remarks she made to a lawyer. According to the lawyer's handwritten notes, Judith said:

a) "Of all people, the Jews should know about ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie."

b) "You know whose book I'd like to publish? Mel Gibson! That man has his shit together!"

c) "All day long I'd biddy biddy bum/If I were a wealthy man."

Before she lost her job, Judith hoped to publish a novel about Mickey Mantle, in which The Mick:

a) Has an affair with Marilyn Monroe while she's married to Joe DiMaggio.

b) Slashes his wife and a friend to death on an LA street corner, then pins it on a football player.

c) Meets five people in Heaven.

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER 11. (Tie) Britney Spears

2007-01-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

In a 2006 three-minute video that circulated on the Internet, a disoriented Britney tells then-husband Kevin Federline that:

a) Time travel, as portrayed in Back to the Future, is real.

b) My Name is Earl is real.

c) Feeding two babies in one year takes a real toll on the funbags.

d) A surge of 20,000 troops could salvage victory in Iraq.

In 2006, while out on the own with Paris Hilton, Britney allowed paparazzi to photograph her without:

a) Underwear.

b) Her well-thumbed copy of Bertrand Russell's The Problems of Philosophy.

c) A record deal, if she keeps this up.

LIFE AFTER METH 11. (Tie) Rev. Ted Haggard

2007-01-24T00:04:00.000-08:00

According to the Wall Street Journal, Ted liked to joke that his only disagreement with the leader of the Western world is:

a) "Mr. Bush drives a Ford pickup, whereas he prefers a Chevy."

b) "Mr. Bush drives troops into Iraq, whereas he prefers to drive his stiff penis into a butt of a man."

c) "Mr. Bush tried cocaine, whereas he prefers old-fashioned biker crank."

In 2006, after suffering through allegations of homosexuality and drug use, Ted said in a public statement:

a) "I am a deceiver and a liar. The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality...There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life."

b) "Jesus H. Christ, this blows. But guess what? I just found out that I can save big money on my car insurance! Haha. Just keeeding, folks, just keeeding. That's all for now, everybody. Aloha, God bless and goodnight!"

d) "I guess somebody's not going to find green gravy in the donation bucket tonight."

FALLOUT BOY 13. (Tie) Vladimir Putin

2007-01-24T00:03:00.000-08:00

Before contracting fatal radiation poisoning under suspicious circumstances, former spy Alexander Litvinenko accused Vladimir of:

a) Pedophilia

b) Ascending to high office in a secret coup d'etat.

c) Racketeering.

d) Assassination.

e) All of the above.

Vladimir's wife, Russian First Lady Lyudmilla Shkrebneva Putin, is a former:

a) Flight attendant.

b) Star of the 2003 FOX hit reality series The Simple Life, in which she lived with a family on their farm in rural Altus, Arkansas.

c) Carolina Panthers cheerleader, until her arrest for having sex with another cheerleader in a tavern's bathroom stall.

d) Murderous head of the Russian counterintelligence department SMERSH, known for the Polonium-squirting blade that sprung from the toes from her heavy brown boots.

In 2006, Vladimir reportedly said of Israel Prime Minister Ehud Olmert:

a) "Quite a mighty man. He raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. We all envy him."

b) "He's never talks/Has a cock in the box."

c) "I'm telling you, nobody at his age hits that many home runs without help from a friendly needle."

d) "We will strike at Ehud Olmert through his friends at the Daily Planet!"

SHECKY WHITE 13. (Tie) Michael Richards

2007-01-24T00:02:00.000-08:00

During a November 17, 2006 performance at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood, California, Michael proved himself to be:

a) "A fucking cracker ass motherfucker."

b) "Fucking white boy."

b) "A reject. Never had no shows, never had no movies. Seinfeld, that's it."

c) The worst stand-up comic in history.

d) All of the above.

The day after the incident, Michael:

a) Apologized on David Letterman's show, saying, "I'm deeply, deeply sorry."

b) Received a book contract from Judith Regan.

c) Was publicly noticed for the first time since 1999.

SIGN OF THE MACACALYPSE 15. George Allen

2007-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

In 2006, George's political enemies ginned up a big public stink after he happened to single out an Indian student in a fundraiser and say, "Let's give a welcome to:

a) "Macaca."

b) "Chewbaca."

c) "Barack Hussein Obama."

d) "Ali Baba"

e) "Baba O'Reilly."

f) "Sugar Tits."

In 2006, George was shocked to learn that his mother is:

a) A self-loathing Jew.

b) A macaca.

c) A man.

d) His cousin.

SUICIDE BLONDE 16. Nancy Grace

2007-01-23T00:06:00.000-08:00

In 2006, Nancy earned national headlines when soon after she grilled the mother of a missing child, the woman shot herself. This prompted Nancy to say:

a) "I do not feel that our show is to blame for what happened... The truth... is not always nice or polite or easy to go down. Sometimes it's harsh, and it hurts."

b) "I'm going to Disney World!"

c) "Jeez, I sure hope she killed that kid."

d) "No, it was beauty that killed the beast."

Nancy has co-authored a book titled:

a) Objection: How High-Priced Defense Attorneys, Celebrity Defendants and a 24/7 Media Have Hijacked Our Criminal Justice System

b) Perversion: How You Cocksuckers Should Burn In Hell, and If I Got Anything To Say, I'll Cut Your Fucking Dicks Off and Shove It Up Your Asses

c) How to Lose a Ratings War No Matter How Low You Sink

THE JOKER 17. John Kerry

2007-01-23T00:05:00.000-08:00

In 2006, John got into hot water when he botched a joke, the punch line of which was supposed to be:

a) "You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush."

b) "Hey, if I can just find my car keys, we can drive out of here."

c) "That's all I'm asking: Who's on Frist?"

d) "Pullout? That's what Bush's dad should have done!"

e) "He said, 'I'm trying! I'm trying!' Wait, did I mention his name was Johnny Fuckerfaster?"

John was the first candidate in U.S. Presidential politics to be:

a) "Swift-Boated."

b) "Karl Roved."

c) "Teresa Heinzed."

d) "Anal Bleached."

VIACOM DIOS 18. (Tie) Tom Cruise

2007-01-23T00:04:00.000-08:00

In 2006, Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone made a decision to fire Tom because:

a) The media giant sustained economic damage due to Tom's controversial public behavior and views.

b) He couldn't figure out the plot of "Mission Impossible III."

c) Tom dumped him for a certain lady friend.

Tom's antics on Oprah gave birth to the culture-wide catchphrase:

a) "Jumping the couch."

b) "Staying the course."

c) "Waxing the dolphin."

d) "Choking the chicken."

e) "Driving the Space Highway with the L. Ron Rain Man."

THE DEVIL WORE NADA 18. (Tie) Paris Hilton

2007-01-23T00:03:00.000-08:00

Paris is famous for her trademark line:

a) "That's hot!"

b) "You're fired!"

c) "Mission Accomplished!"

d) "Mama mia, That's a spicy meatball!"

e) "I trust you're not afraid of Herpes?"

In 2006, Paris was arrested for:

a) Drunk driving

b) Shooting her friend on a hunting trip

c) Looting

d) House of Wax

In interviews, Paris has compared herself to:

a) Princess Diana and Marilyn Monroe.

b) Joan of Arc and Mary Magdalene.

c) Helen Thomas and Janet Reno.

d) Phil Rizzuto and Yogi Berra.

e) Dogshit.

DANCING WITH THE STARS 20. (Tie) Saddam Hussein

2007-01-23T00:02:00.000-08:00

Looking back, Saddam never really recovered after:

a) The noose snapped his neck.

b) The manta ray plunged its stinger into his heart.

c) He drunkenly told LA police that Jews are the cause of all war.

d) He shook hands with Don Rumsfeld.

In Saddam's final letter, released after his death, he said of his enemies:

a) "Some of these people wept profusely when they said goodbye to me."

b) "There are, like, these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me and Paris, but everyone."

c) "Rosie's a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie."

d) "All they want to do is cut and run. I call them 'Defeatocrats.'"

IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP 20. (Tie) Donald Trump

2007-01-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

In late 2006, after long, hard hours of contemplation, The Donald decided against:

a) Stripping Miss USA Tara Conner of her crown, due to excessive partying.

b) Losing weight and looking better.

c) Becoming less sanctimonious and more appreciative of the fact that he was born filthy rich.

d) All of the above.

In 2006, The Donald sued a biographer because he claimed The Donald:

a) Is just a millionaire, not a billionaire.

b) Writes songs and performs under the name "Cat Power."

c) Has a one-inch penis.

WE ARE MARTIAL 22. (Tie) Alberto Gonzales

2007-01-22T00:04:00.000-08:00

Alberto has taken the oath to enforce:

a) U.S. law.

b) L.A. Law.

c) Murphy's Law.

d) Cardinal Law.

e) Jude Law

In 2006, Alberto shocked the the Senate Judiciary Committee when he said:

a) "President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale..."

b) "Keith Olbermann is a slimeball. a midget. a punk. I'd love to fight him. I'd make a pizza out of him."

c) "I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before, because no one knows this story the way I know it. It takes place on the night of June 12, 1994, and it concerns the murder of my ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her young friend, Ronald Goldman. I want you to forget everything you think you know about that night, because I know the facts better than anyone."