ForAllEvents - Upbeat Humor

A Last Request

2008-04-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

How smart is your foot?

2007-03-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

Try this -- from an orthopedic surgeon.

1. Without anyone watching you (lest think you goofy), while sitting where you are at your desk or at a table, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction. And there's nothing you can do about it!

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

This is what marriage is really all about

2007-03-01T16:41:00.000-08:00

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered:

"THE TEETH."

The Golden Years

2007-02-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

A very elderly gentleman, (mid 90's) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid 80s).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to a doctor who had him fitted for hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center are sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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Couple in their 90's are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries?"

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

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A senior citizen said to his 80-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

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Three old guys are out walking.
1st one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
2nd says, "No, it's Thursday!"
3rd says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"12:30."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Merry Christmas, batteries not included

2006-12-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas morning and Tab A goes into Slot A.

The front wheel of the bicycle goes in front and the rear wheel doesn't. Save all manuals for future reference.

Batteries are not included. Batteries are never included. Batteries are optional, at extra cost. Christmas morning is not optional.

It's Christmas morning, and partial assembly is required. Don't forget to fetch the tool box from the cellar. Doesn't work? Don't force it. You'll strip the threads.

It's Christmas morning and there are no lumps of coal in the stockings. There are robots and Go-bots and Auto-bots. Some robots transform into dinosaurs, some robots transform into Mack trucks and some robots transform into jet planes. They can come in mighty handy.

Teddy Ruxpin is a bear that talks and A.G. Bear is a bear that grunts. Teddy Ruxpin takes four C batteries. A.G. Bear takes one 9V battery. They are not compatible.

Remember, an AA battery is not the same thing as an AAA battery. Alkaline is a battery and Al Kaline is a baseball player.

It's Christmas morning, and Tab A goes into Slot A.

Put the wrapping paper in the fireplace, but save the boxes and the tags and the sales slips. You will need them tomorrow.

Brother Larry sent you an L instead of an XL. Sister Ann sent you 16-33 instead of 17-35. Save the box. Save the tag. Save the receipt. Save the little Styrofoam balls. Look, one just rolled under the sofa. Better go get it.

It's Christmas morning, and VHS is not compatible with Beta. Thirty-five millimeter is not compatible with 110. Compact disks are not compatible with records. HO trains are not compatible with O-gauge trains.

Ice skates are not compatible with roller skates.

Keep the game pieces in the proper box. The little doggie is from the Monopoly set. The little horsie is from the chess set. The little wrench is from the Clue set.

They're incompatible, too. The wrench cannot give checkmate and Colonel Mustard cannot do it in the study with the doggie.

It's Christmas morning. There is no hearth without a fire, no chute without a ladder, no Barbie without a Ken.

For God's sake, don't lose anything. Where's the primary supporting bracket? Where's the auxiliary restraining strap? Where's the little rubber thing? That little rubber thing that just rolled under the coffee table is supposed to stop your kid's Strat-o-Cruiser when it's going down Russian Hill at 30 miles an hour. Better go find it.

Don't forget to mail in the warranty card. How did you first hear about the Automatic Grammitasator? Magazine? Newspaper? TV? What's your annual income? Are you sure? Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Mickey Mouse Club?

It's Christmas morning. Only a few more hours and it will be time to put the ornaments back in the box and drag the tree to the curb and vacuum the needles.

Not just yet. Wait for the kids to wake up first.

It's Christmas morning and Tab A goes into Slot A.

..........................
Steve Rubenstein's Merry Christmas, batteries not included - Steve Rubenstein
This article first appeared in The Chronicle on Dec. 25, 1985. ©2006 San Francisco Chronicle

Hell Explained by Chemistry Student

2006-12-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives 2 possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

This student received the only "A".

12 -- 13 -- 14

2006-12-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

A visiting scholar, lecturing on 'How Many Philosophical Positions Are There In Principle?' began, "In principle, there are precisely twelve philosophical positions ..." "Thirteen!" called out a voice from the audience. "There are," repeated the lecturer, "Exactly twelve positions; no more, no less!" "Thirteen!" called out the voice. "I shall proceed," said the irked lecturer. "The first position is sometimes called 'naive realism,' in that it is the view by which, more or less, all things are very much the way they seem to be ..." "Oh!" interrupted the voice from the audience, "Fourteen!"

--a philosophy joke from Jerry Fodor in an issue of The London Review:

The Church Gossip

2006-12-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

Father knows best

2006-11-25T13:21:00.000-08:00

A young fellow had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Successful lawyer

2006-11-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back To your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says , "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I don't give money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Having fun in retirement

2006-11-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a jerk. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Marilyn called him an idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care...we came into town by bus!

We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired. It's important at our age.

Windows 2007

2006-10-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

Howdy Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2007 Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside of the South.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern Edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2007, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.

Changes in Terminology in Southern Edition:
Cancel.........stopdat
Reset...........try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find.............hunt fer it
Go to...........over yonder
Back............back yonder
Help.............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings........settins
Programs..... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....stuff ah done did

Also note that the Southern Edition does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2007:

Tiperiter......................a word processing program
Colerin' Book..............a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.......calculator
Outhouse Paper...........notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers ......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Southern Edition, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob
_____________________________________________________
From John, who is a born and bred true Southerner with a wonderful sense of humor. The original author is unknown.

Letters Dear Abby admitted she was at a loss to answer

2006-09-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is asocial worker in her mid
twenties These two women go everywhere together and I' ve never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, ! I'm not even sure
the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and
he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Dad

2006-08-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad".

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:

..................................

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son,
John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

The New Birds and The Bees

2006-08-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

(Scroll Down)

You got Male!

Police action

2006-07-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is an intruder in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Brown Paper Pete

2006-06-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

Goodbye, Mother

2006-05-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say, 'Goodbye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Courtesy: Sue Buckman

Satan and the Old Man

2006-05-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentlemen who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope sure ain’t.” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” Asked Satan

“Don’t doubt it for a minute.” returned the old man in an even tone.

“Did you know I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And your still not afraid of me?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

Plane Ride

2006-05-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were in a small plane when it developed engine trouble and started to go down. The pilot grabbed a parachute, told the passengers they better jump and bailed out. But there were only 3 parachutes left.

The doctor said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and bailed out.

The lawyer said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy gave the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Friendly Game of Golf

2006-05-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water hazard.

Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water. Next, Moses tees up and also hooks it into the water. The third guy hits as a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as well.

Moses walks up to the water with his sand wedge. The water parts and he hits it onto the fairway.

Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the top. He takes his 5 iron and hits onto the green.

The third guy stands there a moment, then an eagle dives down, grabs his ball, carries it to the green and drops it into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "That's the last time we play with your dad."

Alternative to Retirement Care

2006-04-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.

That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

.................
Courtesy: Bob Courtney

Kids are getting too sophisticated

2006-04-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

One of mine said:
Lets play doctor.

And the other one said:
You operate and I'll sue.

Most Bizarre Reasons Employees Gave For Missing Work

2006-04-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

CareerBuilder.com’s annual survey of office absenteeism revealed an increase in the number of workers who have called in sick with bogus excuses. 43% of workers said they called in sick when they felt well at least once during the last year, up from 35% in the 2004 survey. The survey also revealed that some hiring managers were less tolerant of workers playing hooky with 23% stating they had fired an employee for missing work without a legitimate reason. The CareerBuilder.com survey, "Out of the Office 2005," was conducted from August 10-22, 2005 with more than 2,450 workers, including 875 hiring managers.

The most unusual excuses given for missing work included:
"I’m too drunk to drive to work."
"I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet."
"I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work." (employee was not in the medical profession)
"I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened."
"My boyfriend’s snake got loose and I’m afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home."
"I’m too fat to get into my work pants."
"God didn’t wake me." (employee didn’t believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher power would wake her when she was ready)
"I cut my fingernails too short, they’re bleeding and I have to go to the doctor."
"The ghosts in my house kept me up all night."
"I forgot I was getting married today."
"My cow bit me."
"My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can’t get it out."
"I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself."
"I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."
"My house lock jammed and I’m locked in."

The most popular day for calling in sick when feeling well was Wednesday with 27% of workers getting over the mid-week hump by fabricating an excuse. While extended weekend absences were also popular with 26% of workers calling in sick on Monday and 14% on Friday, those partaking may have put themselves at more risk of scrutiny. 63% of hiring managers said they are more suspicious of employees calling in sick on a Monday or Friday.

The most popular motivator for missing work was the desire to relax and catch up on sleep as cited by 23% of workers. 17% said they just didn’t feel like going in, 16% attributed it to a doctor’s appointment and 9% said they had to catch up on housework and run personal errands.

CareerBuilder.com is the nation’s largest online job site with more than 20 million unique visitors and over 1 million jobs. For more information, visit http://www.careerbuilder.com

The most unusual job you ever held?

2006-04-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

In its annual survey, CareerBuilder.com asked more than 2,450 workers to share the most interesting or unconventional jobs they held during their careers. This past year's top picks:

A - Actor for haunted house
B - Bingo announcer
C - Clown for rodeos
D - Drawbridge tender
E - Eye glass buffer
F - Fingerprint analyzer
G - Glass sculptor
H - Hot rod builder
I - Interpreter for government agency
J - Jelly doughnut filler
K - Karate instructor
L - Lifeguard at nude beach
M - Military role player (played Iraqi citizen for military sensitivity training)
N - Note taker for college students
O - Ocean scuba guide
P - Phone psychic
Q - Quiz writer for competitions
R - Rescue squad for pets
S - Stand-in bridesmaid (for weddings where the bride didn't know enough people)
T - Telemarketer for a cemetery
U - Urinalysis observer
V - Voice-over specialist for movies
W - Window washer for skyscrapers
X - Xmas tree decorator
Y - Youth boot camp instructor for juvenile offenders
Z - Zoo artificial inseminator

Survey Methodology
The survey, "Most Unusual Jobs 2005," was conducted August 10-22, 2005. Methodology used to collect survey responses totaling more than 2,450 workers for this study involved selecting a random sample of comScore Networks panel members. These Web Panel members were approached via an e-mail invitation, which asked them to participate in a short online survey. The results of this survey are statistically accurate to within +/- 1.97% (19 times out of 20).

For more information on CareerBuilder.com surveys, visit
http://www.careerbuilder.com/share/AboutUs/PR/surveys.htm