Our Name Is Blog

BeDTiMe SToRY

2009-07-06T11:36:00.002-04:00

I walked into the boudoire at Chez Veasey the other night, to find Sexyhusbandomine propped up amongst the pillows with a copy of LADIES HOME JOURNAL that I had picked up at some airport on previous travels.

Let me start by saying that SHOM does not usually read magazines before bed. He prefers to peruse his printed glossies in the powder room. Usually for A LONG TIME, when we are late or trying to go someplace.

He was previously reading snatches of THE SECRETbefore drifting off to LaLaLand, but ComplicatedBoy stole his bedside copy three days ago, convinced that it contained some Naughty Adult Secret.

But back to Sexyhusbandomine, flipping pages in the glow of our bedside lamp.

ME: What are you reading?
SHOM: Ladies Home Journal. It's actually pretty good.
ME; Oh yeah?
SHOM: Yeah. Like I just read about a former model who got Cushings Disease. It caused her to gain seventy pounds and sprout hair on her chin.
ME: Hmmm. I could have that. What are the symptoms?
SHOM: You gain 70 pounds and grow hair on your chin. (Awkward Pause) It goes on to say she dedicated her life to helping animals.
ME: What else did you read?
SHOM: Here's a woman in her 40s who lost 50 pounds. (Holds up magazine.) Hey-where are you going?
ME; I am signing you up for a subscription to Popular Mechanics.

YoU BeT YouR GlaSS

2009-07-01T12:07:00.006-04:00

Happy Wednesday Chickens!

It is still Show Season, but in order to ~~maintain my google analytics~~ ~~shamelessly promote myself~~ ~~prove to my bosses that blogging is a valid marketing tool~~ entertain you, I will be posting many of my new introductions that will be shown in Dallas, Atlanta, Las Vegas, Philly, and New York. You get FIRST LOOK-these products will not be in stores until late Fall.

Recession? Bah. I spit on your recession. Go buy gifts, people. How about these new goblets?

in comments below, share your favorite wines--like Riunite on ice. Or Boones Strawberry. You can tell I have Klassy taste. I was also a fan of the Bartle and James wine cooler.

DeaTH oF A KiNG

2009-06-29T11:11:00.003-04:00

Dear Spawn,

ABC as easy as 1,2,3 as simple as Do Re Mi, there are many lessons to be learned from the life and death of Mr. Michael Jackson:

I'M TALKING TO THE MAN IN THE MIRROR. You were given a face. It's a nice one. Please don't change it. I hope that you will grow up and learn to love yourself exactly the way that you are.

IT'S BLACK IT'S WHITE. Life doesn't have to be lived off the wall. Try to find the grey area--often you will find that's where happiness lives. Don't create drama for the sake of creating drama.

THAT GIRL IS MINE. Value true friendships over any amount of money. A business decision will not visit you when you are sick, or lift you up when you are sad. Do the right thing; your friends might be the WINGS above your wind.

CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER. Celebrities are people who have interesting jobs. The fact that they have interesting jobs does not make them good, smart, or decent human beings. Often celebrities are extremely damaged in every other area of their life. Admire and appreciate their talents, but know that they can be very flawed people with screwed up lives. Save your hero worship for yourself.

I'M BAD. One glove in the wintertime is NEVER stylish. Take care of your things.

THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL. Listen to what my friends have to say in the comment section below.

Love, Mommy

WeT PaNTS & BeeR STeiNS

2009-06-18T10:05:00.009-04:00

Hola Chickens.

The other day my friend BJ emailed me to ask if I was not blogging as often because I was knee deep in all things MUD. I told her I was knee deep in something of roughly the same color and consistency.

It's the start of my Trade Show Cycle which means blogging will be sporadic. The only reason I am writing this morning is that I have No Pants On. My pants, soaked through in a torrential rain storm in which I walked ten blocks carrying a broken Elmo umbrella, are laying as we speak on top of a kiln I fired last night that is currently at about 750 degrees. I am sitting at my desk, at work, wearing a beach towel.

Some of you will wonder why I did not just wear my wet pants and let them dry whilst on my body. I think I know you well enough to let you in on a little personal medical secret; I am ALLERGIC TO COLD. I have a condition known as Cold Urticaria and what it basically means is that if I get wet and cold, I develop huge welts that sting and burn like I'm on fire. So all rain is "acid rain" to me. I really should keep a change of clothing at the office, or invest in one of those Gorton Fisherman outfits.

And before you ask in comments: Yes, I Am, and they are pink with purple flowers, and say Thursday in script on the right hip. Because my Wonder Woman Underoos were in the wash.

So here is a preview of some of the BRAND NEW AND EXCITING STUFF I will be showing starting in Dallas next week (sorry Texas, not going--but Hello Atlanta-see you in two weeks). Today, I want to show you my BRAND NEW GLASS. Get a gander at these beer steins which will be coming to a fine retailer near you soon.

and finally

Now, let's go see if those pants are dry...

EXPLoiT YouR CHiLDReN WeLL

2009-06-16T09:58:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was Sexyhusbandomine & my 13 Year Anniversary! I came home to what I thought would be a lovely anniversary card from Complicated Boy. Instead-I got this:

With the following contents which I have edited. That's right Chickens: I edited this communication FBI Alien Investigation style. So that when CBoy is laying on a couch talking to his therapist years from now, a simple Google search should reveal that I was not SUCH a bad mom. I may drink too much and feed them Chinese Take Out too many times a week, but my heart is in the right place:

And that little piece of poo sitting on top of the school building? Budding Artistic Genius. He got that from Me.

Perhaps I need to spend less time on the computer, and more time teaching CBoy the correct spelling of CRAPPY.

PoST # 486

2009-06-11T09:59:00.003-04:00

Helllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooo Chickkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns.
That is me calling out from the ginormous hole I am in. And you know that the first thing you need to do when you find yourself deep in a hole is to STOP DIGGING.

And so here is a guest post by BJ from Don't Overthink It.:

I was recently told to read "Who Moved My Cheese" because apparently, I am again, behind the entire population of the reading industry. No, I had not read it, I know, what a 'reading' loser, but I have had 'thangs to do' and it had not magically appeared on my nightstand.

So, I have purchased and started reading it. But I keep thinking, I have plenty of cheese, who moved my Chardonnay? I am not one to complain, you may not agree when you realize who is writing this, but give me a break, I have had all of the major life situations happen to me in the last 10 months. Lets review:
1. Divorce
2. Death
3. Loss of job

Yup, thats me. And I still can write this blog without spell check or mascara. Woo Hoo! I tell my friends when they call to check on me that I am vertical and have makeup on, so I think that is a good day. If I can teach my daughter and anyone else, resilience, I am the poster child that will keep on keepin on.

Now, my BFF that I've never laid eyes on, someone that I have a picture of in my kitchen and may or may not recognize in a dark bar, said I could write a blog for her for five bucks and 700 words or less, is either really desperate or really busy with her mudd issues and needs another guest blogger. So since I'm a team player, and would like floor space when I show up unannounced at her door, I decided I would send her this note..........

Here's a quote from Who Moved My Cheese: read on, and please keep in mind we never know what any day will bring.

Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which
we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again, checked in a blind alley.

But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of,
but one that will ultimately,
prove good for us

I think I like that alot....

LYGitcheeGoomieGutsLorrie,
Bj

Please go give guestblogger BJ some love here. BJ is available to guest blog for a small fee, made payable to me. Because I am the Huggy Bear of Blogger.

ToP SeCReT BloG

2009-06-08T17:39:00.002-04:00

TIPPY TOP SECRET UBER CONFIDENTIAL POST

The Sky Is Falling, Chickens.

I have heard on good authority that a huge meteorite is about to hit Earth, blasting our planet into smithereens. The government left weeks ago for a secret hide out on Mars, leaving lookalikes in their place (really--I know you noticed something seemed a little different about Obama lately.) Only people who read this blog are allowed to be in the know, so please keep this information to yourself.

You now have three choices in terms of reacting to the news above:

1. GO ON A RAMPAGE
Now that you know the rules of society are meaningless, you need not worry about punishment. Let loose and go sow some oats. Steal, fight, pillage and destroy. For many of you this will mean basically sticking to your routine but kicking it up a notch.

2. PREPARE FOR THE AFTERLIFE
Find the nearest church, temple, synagogue or mosque and give it your all in an attempt at last minute salvation. Buy the Cliff Notes for the Bible, the Koran, or a Martha Stewart Cookbook. Ask a Higher Power for Redemption. Note-this option is not compatible with Option Number One.

3. SIT IN FRONT OF YOUR TELEVISION
Stare at the screen in numbed disbelief. You may not even notice much change from everyday life.

THIS JUST IN: Scratch all of the above. Turns out it's just Monday.

Jane! Is In Da NeST

2009-06-04T10:56:00.003-04:00

Guest Post by RETIRED (snort) BLOGGER Jane! Proof enough that blogging really is like the mafia.

Hidey ho, Mud-hens!

Chief chicken-keeper Lorrie, is off doing some very important, mother/wife/potter things today.

Okay, I actually have no clue what’s going on. I don’t ask questions, I just jump on the chance to freelance blog.

Emphasis on the FREE part so please remember that you get what you pay for.

No, no, don’t leave! She’ll be back and I’m sure she’ll be giving away something fabulous just for commenting on this post.

Okaynotreally, but stay with me anyway, ‘kay? I’m kind of nervous.

I’ve never done this before.

I am a guest blogging virgin.

Woops.

Is the word ‘virgin’ Nonnee approved? I promised Lorrie I'd behave.

I may also be a bit rusty because a while back I gave up blogging so I could catch up on some of the neglected pieces of my life - like cleaning out the glove and mitten tub and replacing my broken shoelaces. Oh and grocery shopping, because all things edible evaporate like cheap perfume at my house.

Now before you all start pushing and shoving your way onto the blogditching bus, I better tell you it hasn’t been ALL romp and frolic. I have actually learned some things.

Firstly, I discovered that our home has probably been robbed by a large band of one-handed thieves with cold hands.

Secondly, that shoelace manufacturers totally LIE to you about how many eyelets their product will accommodate. And let me tell you, Miss Snotty Shoe-Clerk, if I had the whole shoelace to measure for replacement, I wouldn’t NEED a replacement! I am completely capable of tying knots, but not in phantom laces.

Perhaps the hardest puzzle fo my pea brain to process has been how to determine the price of things I would like to buy. Well, not really LIKE to buy because I never really LIKE to spend my money, especially on things I buy, bring home and never see again. I think our freezer has a leak.

Even though I do numbers for a living, retail is seriously causing a tumor to grow over my good nature. I’ve put up with the 99-cent lie forever because I can understand that perhaps $16.99 may sound a whole lot cheaper than $17 to someone who, say, can’t count. Or think.

One of the reasons I used to adore my beloved Tarzsay was their plain pricing. Items were $2 or $17 or $156! Not $99.99! They didn’t try to mess with my head. But these days, although I still loves the Big Red Bullseye, I have to think they have let the freaky pricing wonks infiltrate their staff - excuse me, their team membership.

Not only does $2 peanut butter share an ad page with $1.99 deodorant, but now they are selling fart fiber bars for 2 for $5. Not $2.50 or even $2.49, but 2 for $5! I imagine this is their way of getting me to buy more than one box.

Two for $5! Well, of course I must by TWO!

And once I’m hooked, it’ll be 3 for $8! And not only will I buy THREE, but I probably won’t even notice that the price has gone up because the purchasing lobe in my brain and my bowels will no longer be my own!

Okay, then please explain why the lunch-thingables are going for $1.25 while the pimped-up ramen is selling 4 for $5? Is there a reason I shouldn’t buy more than one thingable? Is this a conspiracy? Are you saying I’m fat?!?!

That’s it, I bet! Only dry noodles for Ms. Mega-thighs in You-tah!

I wonder if GM has considered using this creative pricing thing to pull itself out of bankruptcy. They already tried the 99 method, which was not highly successful because, now tell me, when you dicker the price of a car, would you EVER say to the salesman 'I give you $24,999 for that F950'? No, you would probably just say ‘I give you $19 thou, my old Bronco and a date with my slutty sister if you toss in the gun rack’.

You wouldn’t? Oh.

Well, I think GM should try selling by the seat. For instance, instead of listing a Yukon for $39,999* they should advertise it at the low, low price of just $5137 per passenger*. Sounds like a better deal, huh? And the average car buyer probably doesn’t have enough fingers to figure out that that multiplies out to $41,056 for the 8-seater and suddenly we have an extra $1000 back in the bailout fund!

Sounds nothing but win/win to me.

I do have to hope that they don’t try the 3 for $100,000 thing because my family is going to need a new auto soon and there is NOT room for THREE in my driveway.

‘Cause, if they’re 3fer…. I have to buy 3…. right?

Peace, love, Mud!

*On approved credit, other restrictions may apply. See dealer for complete details on how to spend more than you can probably afford.

BBQ PLaTTeR WiNNeR aNNouNCeD

2009-06-03T19:22:00.002-04:00

Better late than never, Chickens. I had REAL LIFE ACTUAL photos of our REAL LIFE ACTUAL crossing guard, but after thinking about posting them on this blog feared a REAL LIFE ACTUAL law suit...so use those imaginations of yours.

The winner of the BBQ platter is...

SWEET CUDDLE CAKES!

YAY!

Here's a consolation price for you Chickens! The lovely & amazing Jane!has agreed to guest blog for me: look for her post tomorrow.

MoNDaY GiVeaWaY: DaD'S BBQ

2009-06-01T09:58:00.003-04:00

Happy Monday, Chickens! Before Nine AM this morning I purchased snack for the Kindergarten, met about the budget for the Fall Festival, Organized 100 gifts for the Teacher Appreciation Luncheon, and designed a yearbook ad. But of course, that was the easy stuff, and now I am at work. Later this evening I hope to focus on solving World Hunger and drafting a plan for Peace in the Middle East, and also maybe clean my bathroom..so forgive me for not entertaining you with a proper blog post.

Here's today's MUD giveaway! A BBQ platter that reads : My Dad Can Cook Better Than Your Dad. This is, of course, a revsion of the "My Dad Has Better Tattoos than Your Dad and Can Drink your Dad Under the Table and Later Kick Your Dad's Ass" platter that was rejected by corporate for some reason.

Enter a comment below to win. One entry per person. Tell me what YOU are doing this monday. Winner drawn at random by the Crossing Guard who works on 21st street on Wednesday morning.

SeeMS To Be THe HaRDeST WoRD....

2009-05-27T12:03:00.007-04:00

Because I am ~~passive aggressive by nature~~ a lover of formality, I sometimes resolve the occasional sibling battle at Chez Veasey by requesting that a Written Peace Treaty be drawn up by the warring factions.

After a particularly bad altercation between The Banana and Complicated Boy, I had them write notes of apology to each other.

Annie starts off by naming the parties involved. Here she is:

And here is her brother:

Here is her heartfelt apology:

I mean, REALLY REALLY REALLY Heartfelt apology:

Don't ever doubt The Banana's Sincerity:

And what does CBoy reply with? In typical male fashion....

Because nothing says "I'm sorry" like a partial band aid taped to a sheet of paper.
But I am glad that SOME PROOF exists that the two of them are related. I was there for the whole birth thing, and even so, sometimes I wonder....

WeDNeSDaY WiSDoM

2009-05-20T10:53:00.004-04:00

A NEW FEATURE ON OUR NAME IS BLOG!

Every WEDNESDAY I will suggest three things you should do to CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
While bills are better, Change Is Good...start TODAY Grasshoppers, with these three things:

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

1. TODAY IS ADDICTION-FREE DAY.
Your body can be your temple or, in my case, it's a saloon with a sawdust floor. Cut out one addictive substance for the day to see how much purer you feel. Don't go for anything easy like caffeine, chocolate, or alcohol, because we all know there's a difference between REALLY REALLY ENJOYING something and addiction. Also: note to crack cocaine users; you may not feel purer immediately, you might need to stick with that one for a couple of months.

2. INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW BUT NEVER SPEAK TO, TODAY.
Talk to a neighbor about the weather, other neighbors, or the fence you want to build.
Talk to a colleague about the coffee machine, the boss or other colleagues.
Talk to a shopkeeper about local news, the freshness of produce, other shopkeepers.
Talk to a local hooker about prices, possible discounts, other hookers.
Talk to your local government leaders about your neighbors and their hooker friends.

3. FLATTER SOMEONE TODAY and see if indeed it does get you everywhere....
Here are some compliment suggestions:
- What a fine hat!
- This is the best memo I've ever read!
-That toupee really suits you, officer!
- They never told me you were beautiful as well as intelligent!
- Oh, it's not the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean!

Now go forth Chickens and do as instructed. Life is Good except when it's crappy. Make me Proud.

HoW BoYS aND GiRLS aRe DiFFeReNT

2009-05-18T11:40:00.006-04:00

CBOY; My mom asked me to take all my winter clothes out of my dresser and put them on my bed and then put my summer clothes into my drawer. Which I took to mean See how many Funny Things I can do with a Swim Cap. I can out it on my head like this, I can put it on my butt, I can snap it like a towel at my little sister and make her cry, I can chase the cat around the house with it, I can...hey...is that my comic book?

BANANA: My mom asked me to take all my winter clothes out of my dresser and put them on my bed and then put my summer clothes into my drawer. Which I took to mean Try On Every Outfit I have Every Owned. Is this my color? Technically, if it has long sleeves does it really qualify for just winter? What if it's a chilly night and I need to cover my arms? Do these pants make my butt look big? MOM! JESSE JUST HIT ME WITH A BATHING CAP! WAAAAAA.

CBOY: (TWO MINUTES LATER) Alright Mom, stop yelling at me. I'm done. I took ALL THE CLOTHES OUT OF MY DRESSER. Okay? Geeze. MOM I CAN'T FIND MY SWIM CAP.

BANANA: (TWO HOURS LATER) Honestly, Mother...stop rushing me.

Happy Friday, Chickens.

2009-05-15T14:29:00.002-04:00

MeeT THe FLoCKeRS PaRT DeuX

2009-05-13T09:57:00.002-04:00

Good morning, Chickens! It's time to meet another FABULOUS reader & commentor; and have them answer questions about My Favorite Topics. Today, I am pleased to introduce you to one of The Best Bloggers I know- Deb from Suburb Sanity.

Deb currently has ~~381~~ ~~382~~ 383 followers and her posts receive an average of ~~100~~ ~~101~~ 102 comments. Here now are my 6 and a half Questions for this Goddess of the Blogosphere.

1. ~~I'm not asking this because I want to steal your followers and monetize my blog and become the next Dooce but~~ What is your secret to your blogging success?

I assume by blogging success that you are referring to the fact that I have made $26 in only 8 short months. My husband was thrilled. He calculated that not only can he retire 15 minutes earlier than he had planned but that I have been blogging for .00000000045 cents an hour. Incredible. Look out Dooce, here I come.

Of course, as in all other avenues of life, one cannot measure success by fame and fortune alone. (And have we ever questioned why no one rich or famous ever says that?) I am fortunate to have such wonderful and loyal followers who drop by on a regular basis and leave fabulous comments for me. If those comments could be measured in money...I still wouldn't claim them on my income tax.

2. What's your favorite thing about Me?

My favorite thing about Lorrie is that she has excellent taste in people to interview. Jay Leno could learn so much from her. Plus, she makes some killer pottery, some of which I use on a daily basis. And, since I know her pottery has been spotted on television shows being used by famous people, it is almost like Lorrie is helping me feel famous. Which I like. A lot.

3. If you could ask one person living or dead 3 questions who would the person be and what would be the questions?

When an opportunity like this comes along, you want to make the most of it. I have spent days thinking of the perfect person and I think finally I have decided. Michelle Obama. Think of the knowledge and inside information this woman has! So, here are my questions:
A. How do you get your arms to look that good? Is there a way I can get mine to look that good without much effort?
B. Can I have your hand-me-down clothes? It would be like that whole trickle down theory that was so popular a few administrations ago.
C. Why didn't Oprah let you be on the cover by yourself and will she be audited annually in retaliation? (Please say yes because she is starting to get on my nerves.)

4. Is hair starting to sprout where it does not belong?

On you? I'm not sure. In the last photo I saw of you, you were cleverly concealed behind a piece of pottery. Or did you mean on that sexy husband of yours? I'd have to say it has to be on him. Men just seem to have a real knack for the hair growing in unfortunate places.
So, what I'd like to know about this hair thing is why I am not making any money off of the hair business. Think about it. Women want to curl it if it is straight, straighten it if it is curly, color it, fluff it, dry it, spray it, and extend it. Then, men and women both want rid of it everywhere except the head. And, had I been on the ball, I could have invented some of those medieval torture devices they market as hair removal. Hello? Waxing? You know that wouldn't fly under the Geneva Convention. Another lost opportunity.

5. What is your favorite Neil Diamond song and why? How does it remind you of Me?

How did you know I was a huge Neil Diamond fan? But then again, what well-educated person isn't? I have to admit, I was initially getting him and Tom Jones confused when you asked me this question. But, a quick trip to Wikipedia has educated me in all things Neil and I am a better woman for it. For instance, in 1977, he sang "Song Sung Blues" with Helen Reddy and Henry "The Fonz" Winkler. Now that is some talent.
So many of his great hits remind me of Lorrie including "You Don't Bring me Flowers" because Lorrie hasn't ever given me flowers. Sad, but true. I'm also reminded of her whenever I hear "I've Been this Way Before" because I know she's often stumbling around drunk and not knowing where she is. But obviously, "Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon" is the one that immediately brings Lorrie to mind. As for my favorite, I'll take "And the Grass Won't Pay No Mind" because what could it possibly mean - plus I love the grammar.
My reply: Deb, you are a Store Bought Woman but you make me sing like a guitar hummin.

6. What happened to you during your last alien abduction?
I'm frankly a little upset that Lorrie asked about my last alien abduction. I had confided in her that it was a traumatic experience and I really didn't expect her to announce it all over the internet. I'm legally prohibited from going into all the details here but I think I can say that it involved Dick Cheney, a roll of cherry Lifesavers, and several expired cans of Spam. I'm sorry but that is as much detail as my attorney will let me give.

1/2 Who is your
favorite Cougar victim? That would be Orlando Bloom. Thanks for asking.

Please visit Deb's Blog and ~~make her followers come here~~ leave a comment. Happy Wednesday Chickens!!

HaPPy BeLaTeD MoTHeR'S DaY

2009-05-11T09:55:00.005-04:00

Happy Monday Chickens and a Happy Belated Mother's Day to you all!

Every Mother's Day, I like to RENEW MY VOWS. Kinda like Heidi Klum and Seal do, only without the wedding dress and the groom.

This year, I am going to try to be more like Carolyn Ingalls.

She was always kind, always patient, and she took that mean old Mrs. Olsen with a grain of salt. She was a master of multi-tasking: capable of milking the cow, gathering the eggs, and sewing a fetching calico hat all while putting home cooked cornbread on the table and seeing to Pa's needs. Plus, later on I remember she opened her own hotel in town--Carolyn's I think it was called, and she made a bazillion dollars and didn't even care when Charles went off and had that affair with that Marla Maples woman because she was totally resilient and could work a french twist. Then, of course, she died and left all her money to her dog. But anyway, this year I am totally going to try to be more like her as a mother, because my role model for last year just didn't work out.

Which famous mom are YOU going to strive to be more like this year?

MuG WReCKs

2009-05-06T10:30:00.005-04:00

Not all the things I make are good. In fact, many suck eggs. I've decided to share some recent failures with you here.

This was part of a series I was doing using famous quotes.

I guess I should have been more Thoreau in checking my spelling. Just so you know; I do belif in majic.

Here is a mug I was making for next year's Christmas collection.

I don't think Mrs. Claus would be amused.

Finally-here's a mug I just did for Sur La Table.

If you can't figure out why this one is a reject, step back from the computer.

Happy Wednesday Chickens!

oNe SeNTeNCe BooK ReVieWS

2009-05-04T09:27:00.005-04:00

Happy Monday in May Chickens! It's time for ONE SENTENCE BOOK REVIEWS, which is officially now a REGULAR FEATURE. So pour yourself a cuppa something hot & yummy, put one of your ten cats on your lap, and let's begin....

THE HOST By Stephanie Meyer
PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW:
In this tantalizing SF thriller, planet-hopping parasites are inserting their silvery centipede selves into human brains, curing cancer, eliminating war and turning Earth into paradise. But some people want Earth back, warts and all, especially Melanie Stryder, who refuses to surrender, even after being captured in Chicago and becoming a host for a soul called Wanderer. Melanie uses her surviving brain cells to persuade Wanderer to help search for her loved ones in the Arizona desert. When the pair find Melanie's brother and her boyfriend in a hidden rebel cell led by her uncle, Wanderer is at first hated. Once the rebels accept Wanderer, whom they dub Wanda, Wanda's whole perspective on humanity changes. While the straightforward narrative is short on detail about the invasion and its stunning aftermath, it shines with romantic intrigue, especially when a love triangle (or quadrangle?!) develops for Wanda/Melanie.
ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
I used to be a sucker for the Cullens, but now I am 100% TEAM ALIEN, and I didn't even need a beach chair to enjoy this one.

WORLD MADE BY HAND By Stephen Kuntsler
PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW:
According to the author's premise, when the oil wells start to run dry, the world economy will collapse and society as we know it will cease. Robert Earle has lost his job (he was a software executive) and family in the chaos following the breakdown. Elected mayor of Union Grove, N.Y., in the wake of a town crisis, Earle must rebuild civil society out of squabbling factions, including a cultish community of newcomers, an established group of Congregationalists and a plantation kept by the wealthy Stephen Bullock. Re-establishing basic infrastructure is a big enough challenge, but major tension comes from a crew of neighboring rednecks led by warlord Wayne Karp. Kunstler is most engaged when discussing the fate of the status quo and in divulging the particulars of daily life. Kunstler's world is convincing if didactic: Union Grove exists solely to illustrate Kunstler's doomsday vision. Readers willing to go for the ride will see a frightening and bleak future.

ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
Mad Max meets Green Acres, meets Little House on the Prairie, meets Deliverance, meets a Zane Grey novel; me likey.

DIETING FOR DUMMIES By Jane Kirby, R.D>
PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW:
The official website tells us that if you purchase the Dieting for Dummies book it will help you learn to understand what a healthy weight is and how to discover what your ideal weight is. The Dieting for Dummies book will help you formulate a plan for healthy eating. If you feel unable to lose weight without having the support of professionals the book will guide you to finding and working with the right health professional. The website tells us that the book Dieting for Dummies will also give you information on how to shop, cook and eat out while, at the same time, eating healthily and sticking to your planned diet.
ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
I couldn't concentrate on this one--I kept feeling like tearing the pages out and eating them so in the end I had to put it aside and go make a Dagwood sandwich with Miracle Whip.

OUT STEALING HORSES By Per Petterson
PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW:
Award-winning Norwegian novelist Petterson renders the meditations of Trond Sander, a man nearing 70, dwelling in self-imposed exile at the eastern edge of Norway in a primitive cabin. Trond's peaceful existence is interrupted by a meeting with his only neighbor, who seems familiar. The meeting pries loose a memory from a summer day in 1948 when Trond's friend Jon suggests they go out and steal horses. That distant summer is transformative for Trond as he reflects on the fragility of life while discovering secrets about his father's wartime activities.
ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
I hated this book so much I stopped reading it half way--too much melancholy, and too slow moving, and too close to those black and white swedish movies starring Liv Ullman that I also couldn't stand.

Include your own one sentence reviews of whatever you read last month, here.....

JeWeLRY GiVeaWaY WiNNeR aNNouNCeD

2009-05-01T11:36:00.002-04:00

I have been so busy ~~trying to avoid catching the swine flu~~ ~~watching Bravo television~~ ~~making sexyhusbandomine pay for going to a Bruce Springsteen concert this week~~ WORKING that I almost forgot to post The Winner for the Sima G great giveaway.

So I printed out all of your lovely comments, added in extra slips for those of you who blogged and tweeted, pulled out the extra comments that didn't count, shoved the whole batch into an old winter hat, and took them down to the street where two random tourists from Finland who were staying at the Holiday Inn down the block graciously picked a winner.

AND THE WINNER IS.........

Well, first of all, ALL OF YOU ARE WINNERS. And not just because I want to preserve your delicate self esteem, but because Sima sent me an email and said that she will give ALL OF YOU GUYS a discount if you order from her site before mothers day and contact her to let her know you learned of her via this blog. (that's much better than entering the promo code Mud Losers isn't it?)

That said, Sven and Heidi did not pick all of your names out of my winter hat. The winner of the Mother's necklace is.....

LO from oddities.blogspot.com (Thunderous applause heard here.)

Lo- go to Sima's shop and hit the contact button to give her all your deets.

Happy Friday Chickens.

THe MaN THe MyTH THe LeGeND: KRAIGG

2009-04-29T09:48:00.004-04:00

Happy Wednesday Chickens! First: some announcements. The Fabulous Jewelry Giveaway has been extended until tomorrow morning, so please see the post below to enter. Second: the post below is NOT SAFE FOR WORK and is FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Please ~~do not stop following me~~ use Viewer Discretion. For ~~Thystle~~ those of you who do not mind a little bit of raunch, might I suggest you sit down to read this interview with a bottle of Jack Daniels handy, and perhaps do a shot each time Kraigg refers to his Twizzler of Love.

Many of you have written to me and asked "WHO IS THIS HYSTERICAL KREG PERSON?" after reading some of the comments he has left on this, and other blogs. Sometimes you even asked that without intending to alert the authorities. So I decided to go all Baba Wa Wa on his furry buttocks (I don't know that for a fact-just guessing.) and get you girls the true scoop. So here is my interview with Kraig, Kreg, Kregg or Craig......

1. First of all, how old are you and what does that make you in dog years?
Well, only about an inch or two when flaccid, but a good five or six inches when fully engorged with blood... Oh wait... For a second there, I thought you WOULDN'T want to waste one of your ten questions on something you could learn from just clicking on my profile. Well, fine. I am the cube root of 42570.697773213 years old. Or I will be sometime during the next week (There is probably some "slippage" in the numbers, due to my converting [365 minus days till my birthday] days into a percentage and then dropping every number four or more places past the decimal). By the way, that's the square root of 59740.647561 in dog years.
Rejected answer: Old enough to know better.

2. Where do you live and how close is the nearest HOOTERS to your house?
Hooters? Seriously? The food is atrocious and they won't knowingly let customers fondle the mams. When I conceptualize hell, I think of a Hooters with no alcohol that blares Barry Manilow's music.
Rejected answer: I live at Hooter's.

3. We know you are a musician, but what pays the bills when you aren't stripping or selling cocaine?
Gross violations of state and federal anti-child-labor laws. Although I can't ignore my late-flowering revenue streams from pyramid schemes, federal bailout fraud, and pimping.
Rejected answer: Fluffer.

4. Why did your first marriage end in ten words or less. (<---Question mark?) Hey-who made you the grammar police?
Misery. Love. Apathy. Complacency. Infidelity. Disappointment. Confusion. Resentment. Frustration. Time.
Rejected answer: Because we got divorced. Duh!

5. What was the last book you read and did you read it in the bathroom?
Hemingway's A Farewell To Arms was a gift from a stranger. Frankly, it is slow-going and boring as hell. I've always found him overly descriptive, to the point where plot development suffers. I've been reading it in a chair in my living room. I'd read it while on the can, if I wasn't regularly using both of my hands to hold my enormous genitalia up out of the water.
Rejected answer: Technically, you don't "read" coloring books.

6. If you were forced to make a choice, would you be blinded or castrated?
No, I wouldn't. In fact, I make choices all the time without being blinded or castrated.
At first, I thought maybe you were asking me to choose between my libido or my vision, but then I couldn't figure out a viable scenario in which that would transpire...
"Sir? Can you hear me? Sir? Sir? You've been in an auto accident. Sir? The firemen are coming with the jaws of life to pry you out of there. And... Sir? Can you hear me? Good. You appear to be pinned in the vehicle by your eyes and nutsack. Sir?" Nope. That doesn't wash.
"Ok, so that's one Burrito Gigante and two chorizo tacos. Will that be cash, eyeballs, or testicles?" Also a no-go.
Hmm... Perhaps a scenario in which I needed to pay for my as-of-yet non-existent child's college tuition? Or some Greek Tragedy re-enactment gone horribly awry?
Rejected answer: Couldn't you just hit me in the head with a hammer until my IQ reached double or single digits? Then I could finally enjoy NASCAR.

7. If you had to put a bumpersticker on your car what would it say?
"Some asshole made me put this bumper sticker on my car."
Rejected answer: "Penis for lease."

8. Who would you like our readers to set you up on a blind date with?
Well, technically if I have a say in the matter, I think by definition it is no longer a blind date. Perhaps instead you meant to ask ,"What are you looking for in a future partner/mate/friend/sexual dynamo?" Well, a sense of humor obviously is required. Intelligence is a must. Someone that challenges me to use every day to make myself a better person would be ideal. Interest in a variety of music would be an asset. Someone who takes care of themselves mentally and physically. Oh, and not having sex with other men behind my back would be a nice change.
Rejected answer: Courtney Love

9. What is your facination (sp) with Mommy Bloggers?
Nothing, per se. They seem not to get too bent out of shape at my off-color jokes, and their blogs are in English and make more sense than this one: Also, sometimes they send me free stuff.
To flip that one back onto you, what is Mommy Bloggers' fascination with me? I mean, other than the irresistible raw musk of my unbridled machismo.
Rejected answer: Got Milk?

10. Who is the hottest Mommy Blogger?
This one.
Rejected answer: Which ever Mommy Blogger is currently experiencing severe symptoms of menopause. But don't worry, in five minutes she'll be freezing. [RIMSHOT]

EDITOR'S NOTE: He obviously meant to write ME.

WAnt more KAIGG? Visit him here.

JeWeLRY GiVeaWaY...BLiNG BLiNG

2009-04-27T11:38:00.004-04:00

It is officially only THIRTEEN DAYS til Mom's Day, ladies. Last year I got one of the GREATEST GIFTS EVAH and now I am so excited to be able to offer it to one of you LUCKY DUCKIES.

This beautiful necklace can be yours courtesy of SimaG a fabulous jewelry artist from Etsy. Sima makes hand stamped silver jewelry that can be totally personalized. I love the idea of wearing my Spawn around my neck as something OTHER than the albatrosses they sometimes are. I kid. Sorta. Here are some of my other favorites:

What would you put on a toe ring?

Or another ring? I have one that says CREATE. I love it. Especially because I can cover part of it up and it says EAT.

Or a great friendship bracelet..maybe with your blog url on it?

Sima has a TON of really great, unique and pretty items to choose from and make TOTALLY PERSONAL at really affordable prices! She is one of the reasons why Etsy is a great place to shop. Would you like to win the necklace above personalized with your child's names? (Additional charms can be added for a minimal cost if you procreated more than twice.) Please visit Sima's shop and look through her items. Then come back here and leave ONE COMMENT (that's for you, Kristen) saying which piece of jewelry you liked the best and why. Link to this post on your own blog and get an extra TWO entries-just let me know you did so. Drawing will be held Wednesday morning-winner announced Wednesday afternoon. Good luck everybody! If you purchase something at Sima's shop because of this blog please let her know I sent you. Happy Monday!

SToLeN PoST

2009-04-24T09:51:00.002-04:00

TGIF Chickens. THE FOLLOWING POST WAS TOTALLY STOLEN.

The 80's: It was a time, when I lived in the Wild, Wild West and my most dreaded chore was having to Walk the Dinosaur. It was a time when I had yet to experience Losing My Religion.

Each summer, I would load up with my church youth group and travel to the wilds of Camp Lyle McLeod to experience the (trauma) of Girls Camp. There is a song that goes in parts 'Girls camp, is the very worst place in the world! The worst place for every living girl! The best place for losing all your curl'. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's NOT how it goes, but that's how we sang it because Girls Camp was a desolate waste land free of curling irons and Aqua Net where you had to wear a ONE PIECE bathing suit! even though you were like, TOTALLY working on your tan.

But it was a right of passage that simply couldn't be avoided. You went and you liked it, or, if you were like me, you packed your sleeping bags stuff stack with things like plastic wrap, icy hot and rubber snakes so that those around you were exactly, perfectly aware of your standing on being drug off to the middle of nowhere where you were subjected to things like DIRT and BUGS and NO BOYS and WASHING YOUR HAIR IN THE LAKE. It was hell, I tell you.

Now, don't get the impression that I didn't like "camp". I loved camp. I loved the part of camp that was being away from your mother and staying up late and walking to the mess hall and canoeing, all the things I knew from the summer camp that was my reward for not actually killing my sisters during the school year. Girls Camp on the other hand meant having my mother mere feet away, going to bed at dark, cooking our own food and having to walk three miles around the lake to the swimming dock. Not so delightful. Especially the year that Rachel first came to camp.

Rachel was a very, very sheltered child. She'd literally never spent a single night away from home. And because my mother was assistant camp director that year it was decided that I should be "buddied" with Rachel to "show her the ropes". So Rachel was assigned to my cabin, to my bunk bed, to my KP rotation, to my "duties" rotation, to my rec rotation. Basically she was up my ass and seriously cramping my sneaking-off-to-meet-the-boy scouts-from-the-next-camp action. And that was totally unacceptable. Rachel, clearly, needed to be punished.

Rachel, it was learned the first night, was terrified of the dark. I, on the other hand, am a ninja-like nymph of the night. At about 1am, Rachel began to whimper. Tell me a story or something she begged and so I complied.

"Well, you know how we like, totally passed the prison?" I began (we had) "Like, ten years ago, a guy like escaped from the prison and he was supposed to like, meet his ride on the highway and stuff? And their signal was he was going to croak like a frog, only he got lost and wound up down by the lake"

Our lake? She whispered

"Yeah, so anyway, these girls were here for Camp? I think they were from 9th ward? And they snuck out to like go to the boys side? Only, when they were walking along the lake they came across the escaped murder? And he like, TOTALLY freaked and killed them? And then threw their bodies into the lake?"

Then what happened? she moaned

"Well, the counselors heard the girls screaming? And one of them caught the guy, only as he tried to run away he like tripped? And broke his neck. And they say that his spirit still haunts these woods and croaks like a frog looking for his ride."

It does? she was totally buying all of this

"Yeah, and on the anniversary of the girls death, you can see their flash lights shining up from the lake looking for revenge"

At this point, she starts to wail and the counselor comes running to see whats the matter. All Rachel could sniffle out was that she was scared of the frogs, so Tina brought over her stereo but OF COURSE Rachel couldn't listen to "secular" music and the only other music to be found was a recording of the "Little Drummer Boy" back to back on both sides of the tape. Which played ALL DAMN NIGHT.

That, of course, made me even MORE annoyed. So the next night I snuck around until I'd stolen 3 flashlights, then crept into the mess tent and lifted a box of Ziploc bags. Quietly, I slipped into the lake and one by one splashed the flashlights into the lake where the frogs where the loudest.

When all of the adults were asleep and the little drummer boy was on his 8th march through the night, I whispered for Rachel to follow me. Quietly we crept down the path, Rachel trailing, whimpering behind me.

The closer we got to the lake the louder the frogs got until we pressed through the last of the bushes and there, floating just below the surface were the ghost lights.

Naturally Rachel started screaming her head off, took of running and whacked her head onto a low hanging tree branch. Counselors descended on us from all directions, hushing and soothing Rachel as I snuck off into the shrubs and crept back to my bunk. Where I "sleepily" awoke as Rachel was ushered back to bed, moaning about the frogs. The rest of camp, she never left the counselors side and the next year she opted not to return.

I was free to once again sneak off to steal Hershey bars and make out with pimply boys.

This stolen post comes with no permission whatsoever from Miss Thystle. If you enjoyed it as much as i did, please visit her blog and read about a way that YOU CAN HELP AN ADORABLE CHILD AND WIN A COACH BAG IN THE PROCESS. Please go help Emma.

VouLeZ VouS CouCHeZ AVeC Moi?

2009-04-23T10:00:00.005-04:00

3:00 PM Talk to Sexyhusbandomine whose plane has landed safely in Chicago. Speak in a calm, self assured way. Close the conversation with "I Love You."

11:30 PM Still awake. Lots of caffeine in that dark chocolate I had to consume to offset the loneliness due to missing my spouse.

1:00 AM Hear the soft pad pad of small feet coming to the side of my bed. Wonder what the repercussions would be of pretending to be dead. Wisely decide against it.

1:05 AM Hear the words: MOMMY, I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE I MISS DADDY . Accompany CBoy back into his room to sit on the end of his tiny bed. A postage stamp of a bed for a big boy.

1:15 AM Sitting in a space barely big enough for one ass cheek, let alone two. Neck bent at an unnatural angle. I think they call it "The Excorcist Pose" in Yoga.

1:25 AM Still sitting there. Trying to meditate. Decide to think about Orlando Bloom instead.

1:35 AM Make the mistake of flexing my right foot. Hear: MOM WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

1:48 AM I wish I had remembered to bring my phone with me. I could be twittering. About Orlando Bloom's hotness.

2:05 AM I think he's asleep. Finally. Slide off the bed slowwwwwwly, slowwwwwwwly....bump his leg with my thigh. Hear: MOM YOU PROMISED TO SIT WITH ME.

2:15 AM I wish SuperNanny would come and save me.

2:28 AM He's gotta be asleep by now. Slide off the bed again slowwwwwwwwwwwly, slowwwwwwwwwwwwly. Realize I have no feeling in my legs.

2:34 AM Step in cat vomit on the way to my room. Clean foot. Clean floor. Curse at cat.

2:45 AM Ahhhhhhh my own bed.

3:25 AM Hear the soft pad of tiny feet coming to the side of my bed again. Maybe if I hide under the covers he won't find me.

3:28 AM Beg CBoy to get into my BIG bed. He says NO BECAUSE BANANA MIGHT WAKE UP AND SCREAM IF SHE HAS A BAD DREAM AND DAD IS NOT HERE SO YOU HAVE TO COME SIT ON THE END OF MY BED.

3:32 AM Realize he is serious when he turns down my offer of $20 bucks if he will just get in bed with me. Dimly experience an odd sense of DeJa Vu.

3:45 AM Sitting again on the end of the bed. I will be One With The Bed. I will Become The Bed. Fall asleep with head twisted backwards.

4:15 AM Wake up with my pajamas soaked in drool. Slowly and carefully get off bed and manage to make it back to my room. Ahhh, I Love You Big Bed and My Own Pillow.

4:55 AM Banana wakes up because Bad Mom forgot to make her pee before bedtime. Hear HELP! MOM! I HAVE STEPPED IN CAT THROW UP AND IT HAS SQOOSHED BETWEEN MY TOES.

5:00 AM Hear CBoy say as I wash Banana's foot off: MOM YOU SAID YOU WOULD SIT WITH ME.

5:30 AM Sit on end of bed again, contemplating ways to get rid of the cat.

5:45 AM Fall asleep with CBoys foot in my armpit.

7:00 AM Cheery Husband calls from Chicago to wake everybody up.

7:45 AM After listening to the phone ring for 45 minutes, I answer it finally, give Husband two minutes to say Good Morning, before trying to reach into the phone and trying to Strangle Him.

I LoVe YoU GuYS

2009-04-22T09:23:00.000-04:00

A TRIBUTE TO THE READERS OF OUR NAME IS BLOG
FEATURING (in order of appearance)
Beaux
Kristin
Jane! (Emptying the Nest)
Blue
Le
Jen (JenX67)
Ruth (RPC)
Kreg
Two friends who made the mistake of moving to the suburbs
Jane! Without glasses- just like superman
My ex-husband
Paul
The crowd I ran with in high school
Amy
My Very BEST Friend
Amy's adorable boy
Lady at my eyebrow waxing place
NONNEE
Guy who wants to date BJ
Lo
Lo and Beaux's Beautiful Little Girls
One of my summer flings
Thystle
Thystle again cuz I like her so much
Thystle's Boyfriend
Kristen's Darling Daughter
Blue & Her Handsome Hubby
Paco, Racie Lover's pool boy
Random Roman Soldier
Tesa
Wesley's Mommy
My Boss
Only the greatest blogger in the world since Dooce: Deb
Zak the Slacker
Friend in Washington
Scrappin Jenny
My Homeboy
Evil Twin's Wife
The Toothless Alcoholic
Nadine
The Smartini Girls
Lucky Me
BJ
Sheree
Sheila and Chris
The Spawn
Natasha
Girl You Don't Take Home To Momma
My Lovah

If I left you off the list-please don't be sad! This is the first of many tributes to you AWESOME PEOPLE!!! Group Hug.

Do A DeaR

2009-04-20T11:44:00.003-04:00

Dear Scale,

What did I ever do to you-- to have you torment me this way? Things cannot continue like this if you plan to go on living in a corner of my bathroom. I will drop you like a hot potato if you continue to blatantly LIE to me like you did this morning.

I'm serious. Cut it out.

Love,
Me

Dear Ass,

Why do you continue to get bigger? Why couldn't you have stopped growing at age 17--you were the perfect size then--more apple than the pumpkin you've become.

Now I have to drag you everywhere.

Signed,
Me

Dear Brain,

I know it is Monday but please do not explode.

There's enough sticky stuff all over my keyboard as it is.

Love,
Me

Dear Spawn,

I'm not that sad that Spring Break is over.

Signed
Your Mean Mom

Dear Chickens,

I know you are wondering where that promised slide show is. Coming pretty soon--honest. Just waiting for ~~jane~~ ~~kreg~~ ~~zak~~ BJ ~~Johnny Depp~~ the slackers to send their photos in.

It will be good.
Love,
Me

Dear Sexyhusbandomine,

Please find the time tonight between cooking dinner and taking care of our Spawn and giving me foot rubs to make the slideshow for my blog. You might get lucky later. then again: there is a new episode of Desperate Housewives on TIVO, so maybe not.

Love you anyway!
Love
Me