Safe, But Not Sound

Sunday Afternoon

2009-07-12T16:06:00.004-05:00

It's a sleepy kind of day. For lunch, I helped host some students from Northern Ireland and a couple kids from Alabama who had come to St. Louis for a work project with my church. I was in that mood where I could go either way, either avoid people entirely and curl up for a Sunday nap, or stretch myself a bit with hospitality. Today I chose the latter, and I was glad.

Now I'm sitting on a couch with a cup of coffee at hand, a cocker spaniel on my lap, and some friends around, noses buried in books and laptops. It's a peaceful moment.

Peaceful no more! People keep coming in the door. All friendly faces. It's spontaneously turning into a social gathering. The cocker spaniel runs to the door to greet the newcomers. Tea or coffee for everyone.

In the city, they are prepping for the All Star game. Apparently something was rained out, so the friends came from an event at the stadium. I'm going to go find a book. It's a stormy, grey day and it just sounds like the perfect thing: conversation, a good book, a cup of coffee.

Snippets

2009-07-01T00:49:00.003-05:00

The reason I like reading better than watching video is time.... I'm a time junkie. I love choosing how I use my time. So when I'm reading a news article I can skim the boring parts and focus on the points of interest, or take a glance and decide whether or not it's worth reading. When websites and others post their news in videocasts, I get bored at the thought of wading through whatever unnecessaries are added. And often annoying little commercials get thrown in as well!

Well, we got the kayaking trip in.... that was a big "yay!" Weather and circumstances cooperated for a wonderful weekend away. Now my friend and I are imagining buying used kayaks.... maybe someday! Probably not for a long while.

The state is considering cutting funding for lots of stuff in their budget mess, of most concern to me, a great deal of cuts for human services across the board. We'll see where that leaves me and the people I serve. No immediate danger for my job, but it's an ugly scene in the world of charities, mental health services, foster care, abused children or women, senior citizens, welfare to work programs, ok, it's an ugly scene for all the people who are in the greatest need. Nice work, politicians!

Here's a mix-tape contest my friend's blog is having. For the record, I think it's an awesome idea!

And I'm very excited for a trip home, coming soon!!! The weather is supposed to be perfect, my little brother is being shipped in from the southwest, and I'm ready for family, old friends, and vacation.

That's it for this evening.

Let's Try That Again

2009-06-12T09:50:00.001-05:00

Well, once again, my friend and I are attempting to have a kayaking adventure this weekend. This is our third and final attempt (our connection to the kayaks is moving). Her bike accident and stormy weather have gotten in the way in the past. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I’ve been headachey and nauseous all week. Today I called in to work when my morning coffee made me feel sick to my stomach. Last night I stocked up on applesauce, sprite, bananas and bread. Gentle food to soothe the tummy.

Maybe, just maybe if I rest up, I’ll be ok by tomorrow. And the weather looked to be all storms this weekend as well, but now is supposed to be dry and cool, with little fluffy clouds.

I hope it all comes together.

Social Networking and a Small World After All

2009-06-05T00:14:00.003-05:00

The little girl who lived across the street from me, whose pool I used to swim in, who moved away when I was in 3rd grade, to whom I have not spoken in 20 years, found me on Facebook!

I love that!

In my mind, she was forever frozen in 80s hairstyles and little girl braids and barrettes, and here she is, a beautiful, grown woman.

I love it!

Only Time

2009-05-19T01:00:00.000-05:00

Those years don't last forever,
but then again, neither do these.

Storms of Spring and Summer

2009-05-13T23:58:00.003-05:00

I sit on the balcony. The air is warm and hangs limp. Clouds are banking, reflecting amber city light, so the night is not so dark. The first cold draft of air blows in from the southwest. The potted flowers are all nestled away, secured so the winds won’t blow them from their perch. A neighbor’s strange, little lawn-ornament, a man in a canoe, rows wildly. The leaves on the trees do a rain-dance: half-waltz, half madman’s lunge.

I sit head in hands, watchfully. Cigarette smoke wafts from somewhere downstairs, so I know I’m not the only one sitting out here on a night like this. Lightning flickers in the clouds and the thunder responds. “Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry,” fourth grade.

Today I sat with a fifth grader, who was weeping about friend problems. I remember those days. I gathered all my compassion of remembering about me and let her know that I believed her in all her misery. “Fifth grade is hard,” she said. On the inside I smiled as I saw this beautiful, dazzling child in front of me, who will be out of school in two weeks and who is well-loved by family and is filled to the brim with strength and resilience. But I remember the devastation of being singled out by a former friend in grade school. Don’t we all? So I sat with her in her tears. She’ll find a way.

It’s much easier to see from this end of things. The rain is coming down now, loud and steady. It’s making quite a racket on the window panes and air conditioner. In the morning, the grass will need mowed again, and dandelions will have sprouted, and life will have happened, despite (or because of?) the storms.

Free Time, Me Time

2009-04-29T00:31:00.003-05:00

Chicken and dumplings simmer on the stove. It’s one last “cool-weather meal” to warm heart and body on these rainy days of spring. The trees have responded with bursts of green applause.

Today’s one of those “I prayed and you answered” sort of days. It was just a simple request, uttered about lunchtime and answered not long thereafter. Not an important request, but a reminder that God is very kind, and cares about our hearts.

This weekend I took days off, and I had so many ambitious plans for my time! At some point, ambition petered out and I was just sad. My little motivational engine just couldn’t. I need people. A phone call, and hour of coffee and conversation later, all was well. I paid some visits to folks, I did some other things I needed to do… got together with people. Then Sunday was a little structured with lots of interaction and was great! Monday, off work, and again, by about 4 pm I was done being solitary and motivated, and was just bummed, downright depressed. I can’t do it! I can’t stay all day alone in my apartment getting odd jobs done! Must leave and see the world! Must walk/run/drive/interact with some other life form during the day besides my cat! I should have remembered that from earlier days of living alone in grad school. Always, always, always leave your apartment at some time of day, for some errand, no matter how banal. Very important for sanity. It’s so funny how when living with others, they always seem to be getting in the way of “getting things done”- so distracting! But the truth is, we need those distractions and will create them regardless.

Reminds me of Dostoevsky. He often has characters who forget how to interact with people and slowly go crazy, do things like murder someone. Important to remember if you live alone.

Naw, I’m having a little fun at this point. But it made me appreciate “back to work.” For some reason, when I have unlimited freedom, I find it so de-motivating. A deadline is so much more compelling than all the time in the world, and I’m not quite sure why. In the same way, having many hours of my week taken up by non-negotiable tasks makes the free hours sooo sweet, and I use them well. When that’s not the case, it’s hard to be my own taskmaster. I fritter away and then fret about my wastefulness, but I still have a hard time allowing myself to just relax, do something like read a novel or watch a movie. I always look around at everything that needs doing, or things that seem more meaningful.

But that’s that. The dumplings are done. It’s time for rest.

Easter

2009-04-11T23:18:00.002-05:00

On this Easter's eve,
Thank you, Jesus
for all the good gifts we have,
but most of all for your death,
so that we can have life.

As long as we are still living,
may we lay down everything
for the sake of bringing honor
to the name of Jesus.

Amen

Task-Task-Task Oriented Today

2009-04-09T00:07:00.004-05:00

This week I'm feeling crafty. Not in the mischief sense (that was last week, April Fools) but in the artistic, nesting sense. My creative energies are running in these directions right now:

hand beading some earrings in anticipation of when I'm "allowed" to wear the dangly type. (I forgot that I could get my ears pierced till this winter when suddenly I remembered I'm not locked into a bad experience I had as an 8-yr-old.)
new paint for the living room
new artwork/decorations for contrast with new paint in living room
on a wave of cooking Thai food... first a basil noodle dish, and then a red pepper chicken stir fry. With the International Grocery so close at hand.... mmmm mmm, tasty dishes are just a few steps away!

For some reason I really want taupe-colored walls, white trim, with contrasting artwork of corals and alizarin red. We'll see how it all turns out, but in my minds eye, I already see it, and I'm feeling restless to make it happen. I think it will make the white, wooly rug just "pop!" And my pale-celadon green couch. All the people who can't see my mind's eye are cautioning me against my paint color. Too late! Already purchased! So part of me wants to paint it to test it out. If it's a disaster, it's just a rental!

I keep getting distracted by other things though, like the springtime, friends, work and sleep, facebook, what can I say? Pathetic! :) Ah well.

Today for work, we went into a school and led 4 classroom sessions to educate students on some relationship stuff. It was actually fun. (7th grade boys and girls, can you believe it?! Fun?) But so exhausting! My feet were so tired from standing 4 hours straight, walking around, my brain so tired! I could never be a teacher! But God bless those who can and do!

A Taste of Spring

2009-03-27T14:57:00.004-05:00

Spring is here at last, in full force. It's been a really busy time for me, but the blossoms were at their peak and the gardens are free on Wednesday morning, so before work, I met up with a few folks for coffee and the gardens. (About the photos: I'm having issues with the program I use to adjust photos and it isn't letting me do ANYTHING! let alone rotate them, so the only pics I've posted are the horizontal variety that needed no adjusting. I'll figure it out on a different day.)

This Friday is a beautiful, sunny day in the 60s, forcast to be cloudy and rainy in the 50s so that's a nice change-up. I'm off work and finally catching up on EVERYTHING that had fallen behind. It's good to have a normal, quiet weekend at last.

Just the Weather and a Weekend Update

2009-03-18T23:03:00.002-05:00

It’s a quiet rainy evening here. This morning I awoke to a beautiful blossom-covered tree in my front window. Like magic- yesterday it was little twigs, this morning it was frothy white and pretty. I enjoyed my coffee on the patio…

I thought Zyrtec was supposed to be non-drowsy!? My mistake. Barely made it through my appointments today. Well, learned my lesson. No more Zyrtec for me. I’ll stick with Claratin, or my personal favorite Singulair. Yep, I’m talking allergy medicine here. I guess “Juniper” is at full throttle as allergens go? The things you learn watching the local weather.

Well, it’s going to be an interesting weekend- I agreed to accompany my Junior High girls to a conference and a sleepover... Hopefully it will be a good thing for everyone involved. At the church I've signed on as a Junior High Girls' Small Group leader. I've been at it since last fall, and the group has really progressed from "awkward, forced conversation" to a pretty committed bunch of regulars who are showing care for each other. It's fun to see the personalities come out and bloom. Only one of the regulars is going to the conference, but there might be a couple other girls who want to get plugged in.

And that’s it for our news this evening.

A Little Change of Scenery

2009-03-11T22:53:00.002-05:00

Well, my brother-in-law thought I was lonely and sad by the tone of this blog. Not really true... but maybe my creative writing mood also overlaps with a melancholy mood. Most of the time when I'm not posting it's because I'm busy with people or stuff. That means friends and fun a good portion of the time. (And I think having a rich community in our times and culture is quite a blessing).

Here it is, almost St. Pat's Day and the weather here is doing it's typical rollercoaster- 70 degrees one day and 20 the next. This year, it doesn't bother me for some reason. Normally I'm so antsy for spring I feel like a caged animal, but this year I feel calm and accepting of all the quirks- maybe it helps that I've rounded out my running gear to be more cold-weather adaptive. I've also figured out to dress for the actual temperature, not what I think the temperature "ought" to be. And those teaser 80 degree days have whetted my appetite and I'm not ready yet to feel that heat and humidity of Mid-May.

This weekend calls for a road trip. Details to come. :) Happy Spring, World!

Golden Touch

2009-03-04T23:25:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been an interesting few weeks, starting off with a virus that knocked my computer out cold (fixed by a kindly, computer friend), a dead battery that knocked my car out cold (jumped by a neighbor and replaced by a store - $), a new license from the state that somehow ended up being two through a weird little mix-up (I could explain but what's the point? In the end it was just money in the pockets of the state- $$).

All of these little things have been mediated by kindness of friends, kindness of strangers, provision of God, and the good things of life, for which I sometimes forget to express thankfulness. (How we take them for granted when they are ours: love, community, kindness, grace, needs met.)

A little tune for the evening, and then sleep.

All I Can Write Are My Meanderings

2009-02-21T00:15:00.002-06:00

I drive away from your house; it is late and I am tired. Good to see you. I look down at the fuel empty light and keep driving. There is a gas station that’s four cents a gallon cheaper further down the road. I am distracted by a phone call and wind up driving out of my way, into my old neighborhood. Just for kicks, I turn down my old road. It’s bumpy and gravelly, still torn up from construction on the highway. “My” apartment looks lived in.

I wind my way onto a different highway after filling up. The city lights are pretty and sparkling, and from this high point I can view the Arch.

I focus on my surroundings because in my heart are the sounds of some bleating refrain. I will not listen. “Whatever,” I say, “I don’t even care.” I’m so obviously miffed. I so obviously care. It wasn’t even what you did. It was what I feared it meant.

I put on some old music. Old music, old surroundings; what are you looking for, heart? What are you trying to reclaim? Is it something you lost, or was it something you were merely seeking? Nostalgia bends my memories like a prism; captures vague feelings and expands them into washes of color.

The night air is safe.

Midwinter in St. Louis

2009-01-22T00:14:00.002-06:00

The sun shines milky and bright in St. Louis wintertime. On the daily commute, I look over the hues of the highway, as city falls away into woodland fields and small town. The sky is vividly blue and the fields and trees are shades of straw and taupe.

The roads are etched in white salt from the last big freeze. On the highway, chunks of ice, left by traveling semis, tell of colder climates to the north where snow and winter have a stronger hold. Here it has been cold, but only a few flakes have come to rest.

There is a chill, but in the sunshine the air is “roll down the windows” pleasant. Even so, the trees and ground lie dormant, just as I do, waiting for something to come and awaken brighter colors, more verdant growth.

Dormant. I finish small tasks around the home: laundry, dishes, run in the brisk sunshine, put away some odds and ends; take a look at the growing pile for recycling and put it on the weekend list. Dormant, I sit on a couch, reading magazines with brightly colored pages, daydreaming about new paint for the living room, a recipe for pumpkin soup, a garden of spring lettuces that I could grow on my balcony and pluck for lunch.

In the evening, laughter and friends break into the quiet and winter is cozy and warm. The next morning, I drink my morning coffee and look out the window, daydreaming about April breezes, skirts and bare legs, walking outside without a sweater, laying in the sunshine.

A glance at the clock reminds me it's time to leave for work.

This is Sad, Is this True?

2009-01-10T12:06:00.002-06:00

Why Bananas are a Parable For Our Times

"Below the headlines about rocketing food prices and rocking governments, there lays a largely unnoticed fact: bananas are dying. The foodstuff, more heavily consumed even than rice or potatoes, has its own form of cancer. It is a fungus called Panama Disease, and it turns bananas brick-red and inedible.

There is no cure. They all die as it spreads, and it spreads quickly. Soon - in five, 10 or 30 years - the yellow creamy fruit as we know it will not exist. The story of how the banana rose and fell can be seen a strange parable about the corporations that increasingly dominate the world - and where they are leading us"...
(Click here for the full story).

This is an article I came across online! I'm not sure if things are being presented in a sensational light, but if it's true as stated, boo hoo!

Little Bits of This and That

2008-12-30T00:22:00.003-06:00

It feels so late tonight, though it is not so late. My heart was racing today, again. But I can’t resist a little more coffee than is good for me. Simple pleasures. Tomorrow, a half day, and then done, that is, until Friday.

No one is showing for their appointments. Everything is off, it’s vacation time, not “keep your appointment and show up on time” time. And so I spit out paperwork.

Today the woman who sorted our donations was fired. It seems that for years she has been pilfering among items and taking the best for herself. Well, actually, been taking the best and creating gift baskets of items and selling them. She must have quite the boutique in her home. But no more. She denies everything. Bit by bit, different folk reveal small pieces of witnessed indiscretions. The puzzle image is not a pretty one. But she will no longer be there. I wonder how abundant donations will seem in her absence? Ah, corruption. How it sneaks up upon us! (I thought you were a friend. But goodbye feels like hope.)

The air outside smells of fresh dirt and springtime. It is warm. Tonight I walked with a friend. I wore no jacket, only a scarf--hands nestled in pockets. The trees were lantern lit and Orion was clear in the sky. We heard shouts and felt threatened, but they were far away; not intended for us. We walked and the air was tangy and made me want to dance.

Sometimes I act as if my mood is some kind of moral indicator, but more often than not, it’s most pronounced influence is the weather.

It will be warm again tomorrow. (Cold front after that.)

2008-12-19T23:20:00.000-06:00

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Journey of A Thousand Miles

2008-12-10T22:59:00.009-06:00

Maybe it is love of mystery, or maybe memories of the overbearing glare of the Texas sun make me prefer the night sky to daytime. Driving at night is somehow nicer, the darkness is a thick comforter and the small glows of the other headlights are warm beacons; the street lights point the way of the road. All else is cool and darkness.

Community radio DJ brings out the most trance-like, obscure music at night, and the soundtrack takes me down distant highways, road trips into strange lands.

I think of fragrance, and it’s ability to transport. Soft floral shampoo and bath wash of warm oranges and soapy vanilla, an everyday aroma from when I first lived on my own. All of life was possibility and unknown. There were no more filters to protect me, now it was up to me to make choices and feel my way into the wide world. It was terrifying and beautiful at the same time. Always I remember it with a strange intensity: the sensory cues from that time are evocative of so much fear and hope all blended together in an intoxicating brew.

I arrive home to a dark place and instantly there's a cat at the ankles, demanding attention. I drop my bags and remember the damp laundry, leftover from morning. One more trek up and down stairs, one more trip to the basement dryer. Soon, I’ll shed the day like a molting lizard, one size too small, and now I've outgrown it.

I fold away the last fragment of today's responsibility, and place it in the laundry basket: testimony to accomplishment, once dirty, now clean.

What is adulthood without second mortgages and shuttling kids to practice? What is adulthood without screaming babies and first mortgages? I’ll find the answers to the questions between full time work and sending off the rent check to the landlord. I’ll find the answers over warm dinners shared with friends and meetings at deserted coffee shops, on long walks and solitary runs. I’ll find the answers in my church family, broader and wider than any nuclear-type.

Day-by-day I build upon what is, to what will be. Not having answers in hand, I do what I must: I walk by faith. When I falter, (and I do) grace carries me. I'm never alone on this strange trip.

Home Again, Home Again

2008-11-30T17:05:00.003-06:00

It was a cozy, craftsy Thanksgiving this year. My parents, sister & brother-in-law, and nephews were there. I got to see my friend Janelle. In our house, there are always lots of games. This year: board games, a little soccer in the backyard (primarily the nephews) and of course football on TV.

I brought home lots of strange little projects to complete while sitting around watching football on TV (because I could care less about football on TV). Earlier in the year, when I bought a blanket for my bed, I was disgusted that the matching pillow shams were 35 $ a piece. Seemed like a rip-off to me, so I decided to keep an eye out for interesting pillows elsewhere. I was at the World Market and I really liked the fancy, decorative table napkins from India. I decided to sew a couple together and stuff them, for homemade pillows... here's the final result, mom!

I love that Larry is in practically every picture I upload to this blog. It's like "Where's Waldo?" only easier because he isn't very cleverly hidden. Well, I was happy with the pillows, and I also (with help from my mom and dad) fixed a broken lamp and two formerly unwearable pairs of pants. How exciting!

When I left on Sunday, it was a wintry wonderland outside. In my mind, I was composing Haiku as I drove down a few treacherous miles of highway.

Cautionary Tale

Cars, a train, through snow
weave tracks: black, safe lines. In drifts
stranded car, a warning.

The tale has a happy ending though, after about 45 minutes of driving the snow turned to rain and then cleared off all together. And now I'm home again, my other home.

Body Language: Think About It

2008-11-16T23:14:00.020-06:00

"Charred Body found Inside Vacant Home."

"Body Found by County Roadside."

When does a human become a “body?” Both of these grim statements are quotes from my local newsfeed this Sunday evening. I was thinking how depressing it is to become a body. It implies a death of sorts. We hear talk of bodies in crime reports and on the local news, in obituaries and unsolved mysteries.

Pop culture also frequently refers to bodies, usually the living, breathing sort. When bodies are referred to in pop culture, it is a way of discussing the limbs and shape of a person, detached from the personality and soul of the person- also known as “objectifying” people.

I wonder if it would improve our appreciation of one another and our feelings towards ourselves if we could refer to one another differently. Our words could affirm the soul and personality in conjunction with the body- holistically- as persons. After all, body won't ever be separated from person and soul until the day we die.

And when life's sweet fable ends,
Soul and body part like friends;
No quarrels, murmurs, no delay;
A kiss, a sigh, and so away.
-Richard Crashaw, in his poem Temperance (1652)

Sweet Dreams!

2008-11-10T10:58:00.010-06:00

Dream interpretation has always been a hobby of mine, if such a thing could be considered a hobby.

Last night's edition:

I dreamt I was at Target and had a cart-full of clothes. I realized I had a shirt I had purchased previously that I needed to return. It had stretched ridiculously in the wash and was no longer wearable. I took it to the counter without a receipt and they were able to look up my credit card transaction and give me the full price back. I was excited. When I went back to my cart, money in hand, I looked through the items in it, and though they were nice, they were not mine. I realized that another lady accidentally took my cart and left hers. She took my cart with all the things I had selected in it!

Interpretation:

In trying to focus on the past and settle old scores, don't lose sight of the present, or new opportunities could be lost.

Pod. Fruit. Plant.

2008-10-31T23:59:00.001-05:00

Plant grasps fruit tightly.

For a time- then it must release.

Fruit grasps seed tightly.

For a time- then it must release.

Life is holding on and letting go.

This is growth.

Lord, help me know

when to hold on, and when to let go.

The Days Slip Away Like...

2008-10-16T21:09:00.004-05:00

Thursday already! The combination of leaving a little late and the shorter days had me driving home at sunset tonight. It was lovely to see the clear, autumn sky and all the headlights rounding those concrete curves, and the city traffic lights twinkling merrily at twilight. The arch was partially illuminated against the dark sky.

Sometimes I forget the wonder of living in the city, but when I'm approaching a bridge just as a Union Pacific train chugs across, I think of my young nephews and how excited they would be. I wish I had more "exploring" time... I think I could zip downtown in five minutes from my current location.

I google-searched “days slip away like”

and here were the top results:

Days slip away like leaves.

My days slip away like a shadow; I wither away like grass.

I let the uncharted days slip away like they should have, and then tonight, just tonight I decided that I couldn’t go on not writing.

If you are reading this, don’t let your summer days slip away like I did.

Or maybe just living instead of watching the days slip away like they don’t mean anything.

School days slip away like a greased weasel now.

But good days slip away like trout you can't catch, a flash of silver and they're gone.

Alas, the days slip away like water in our hands and we discover that our resolve has dissolved, and we have failed to make good on any of those resolutions.

The calendar on his computer informs him that the days slip away like those rubbery children toys filled with water.

And without him, the days slip away like molasses.

Days slip away like a cloud drifting over the ocean, Quietly unnoticed, muted above the sea.

Some days slip away like early morning mist being burned off by the late morning sun.

The days slip away like water into roots.

This One's For My Mama

2008-10-11T17:14:00.003-05:00

Because she wanted me to take the Flokati rug:

Here it is. The cat, of course, loves it's natural woolliness... perfect for cozy fall and winter. Happy mom?