My Life

13SLC; 14SLC; 15SLC: How it started, how it went, how it ended

2009-06-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

The title's kinda interesting I guess, because personally, 13SLC was like a total eye-opener for me, a time when I was exposed to the frenzy of being part of SLC. I didn't know a lot of the things happening then, but yea, it was a start. 14SLC was like the crux of my SLC journey, where I learnt the most, where I made the biggest possible impact, where the stakes were highest, when I was at the peak. For 15SLC, it was like semi-retirement, having to oversee juniors and give them advice, laughing all the way of course.

Thinking about it, I guess I like being an advisor more as compared to OS. It was more laid-back, and I knew I could relax and laugh a little more, cos I wouldn't receive much credit for whatever I did, nor blame for anything that went wrong. I did it cos I wanted to, cos it came from the heart. Whether I did a good job or screwed up, I was always comfortable in what I was doing, because I didn't have to really worry about the consequences. I did what I wanted to, and that felt really good. That made me happy. =)

Throughout the 15SLC actual event, I took in Mr Teo's advice, and attempted to interact with facs and participants more. That's where I gained some of my laughs. The fun of knowing how things should be done, yet not needing to worry about whether this or that has been done, is indescribable to someone who has yet to experience advising. I wrote funny notes to formal meeting chairs, I played counter-strike when I got too bored in the logs room, I slept everyday when I was given a break, but more significantly, I got to take time off to talk to people I usually didn't have time to entertain.

This SLC experience has indeed been a fulfilling one. Like Yuan Yuh said, it's not just an event, it's a spirit that lives on in each OT members hearts, it's a memory that all of us will cherish. For all the sweat and tears and sleep that we sacrificed to make this one event a success, we learnt so much, and in the end, I have only Hwa Chong to thank, for giving me this opportunity of a lifetime, to grow, and realise just who I really am, what I am truly made of. 爱我华中。

13SLC; 14SLC; 15SLC. My 3-year SLC journey is finally over, but for my learning journey, it will always continue.

For the last night of the past 3 SLC's, I had a 14SLC reunion dinner at 6th Avenue. Such a sweet ending to this significant chapter my high school life. Cheers.

Memories to be cherished -- of innocence, of happiness, of significance

2009-05-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

Walked in the rain for 15 minutes today right after lunch. Totally drenched we might have been, but it was fun, and it was but one of the many little memories that I think will stay in my mind for a very very long time. I have always had a knack for remembering the smallest of details in my life, and perhaps that's why I am suddenly filled with memories from the old times, the good times that I have had in my life so far, especially the innocent times during primary school.

Primary school memories:
I still remember being forced to study for Chinese while sitting in the kitchen as my mum cooked; I still remember listening to the PA system wrongly and inaccurately thinking that my form teacher had passed away; I still remember the games of bingo, erasers and "wei qi"; I still remember the recess breaks where my "clique" would stand together and just crap; I still remember thwarting "authority" in the form of prefects.

It's kinda weird sometimes, cos for everything that happened in primary school, the memories that go the deepest, the ones that truly make me smile and feel something in my heart, are the little little, simple memories, and not me going to Hong Kong, or getting the model student award.

As I move onto secondary school, life's been busier, and I haven't had time to really recollect all the nicest memories of my Hwa Chong life so far. Maybe I can't yet cos I haven't moved on to the next level of maturity. Maybe one day, I will think of a group of Malaysian scholars purposely walking in the rain up the steep hill back to boarding school, and I will smile. =)

Education in my eyes, for now

2009-05-12T05:16:00.000-07:00

"School isn't for students to have successes, but rather for you to have a chance to fail, and then learn from it so that you don't commit the same mistakes later in life." - Mr Ng Seaw Choon

"Secondary school education may not be so much for actual acquisition of knowledge, but rather as a form of training in terms of how to think, how to socialise and how to handle issues yourself." - Mrs Rosalind Lee

Lately I have been thinking a lot about why we learn what we learn in school. How are certain subjects learnt truly applicable in real-life? Not that I have a lot of time on my hands to think of such things anyway. At least since I entered sec one, I have always been a person who goes deep into a particular subject matter of interest, in the process putting in a lot of effort and expending lots of time thinking about the very basis of issues (trademark example: normal maths lessons). I was also always one who got easily enticed by new and interesting things too.

As time went by and new experiences became less and less, I got bored. I didn't really want to do homework, but after a while, I realised that just a few days of homework backlog would create a whole long period of madness after that. The school syllabus just doesn't really allow us to stop and think too much. What we are expected to do is to receive the piece of work, complete it, hand it in and out pops good grades. No worries then right, as long as we follow the routine. Yes, sometimes it is more beneficial to question less in terms of what we learn. After all, the adults who plan our syllabus were once students too. But still, I guess this SOP never really suited me well. That's why I spend a lot of time doing homework by the way.

But then again, isn't the school asking us to be independent and critical thinkers? Or am I just using that as an excuse to hide what my dad would call "intellectual arrogance", a situation where the student feels that he knows what is best for him and thinks he knows what subjects he should spend time on.

I haven't really been telling things like these to any of my friends, because I doubt any of them would truly emphatise with my situation. Some may never have thought about it before (or not as deeply), others may not even want to think about it. As a result, I have been talking to grown-ups recently. And yes, it has indeed been beneficial in getting me back on track.

What I realised so far, is that there are a few stages of "education" as we know it. In primary school, it is mainly to build up a strong character base and inculcate solid, uncompromisable values within each of us. In secondary school (or at least for mine), it is to start learning about different ways of thinking. Just like the Hwa Chong Thinking Model shows, the ways of thinking include logical thinking (sciences), critical thinking (humanities) as well as caring thinking (social aspect). I can't go further than that because I haven't experienced further than midway through sec 4. But for all the knowledge acquired in class, over the past 9 and a half years of my education, it may not be directly applicable to life sometimes, but it acts as a tool, in order for us to learn how to have highly capable thinking minds.

Is the acquirement of knowledge before tertiary level, merely a tool?
I wonder then, why people bother to go so deeply into Mathematics, if it is but a tool for logical thinking. How logical can one be?

Night walk through Hwa Chong

2009-05-02T07:41:00.001-07:00

Tired from trying in vain to do some homework, while sweating from the high temperature surroundings, I just didn't feel like I could do anything more, and decided to walk out into the night, to walk through a Hwa Chong that I have come to familiarise greatly.

As I walked and leaped to Kah Kee Hall, my heart guided me there. I sorely missed playing badminton, knowing that it takes strategy, luck and skill altogether in playing a nice game. The only problem, was my back of course. I couldn't play, but at least I wanted to watch others have fun in the hall. I hid from view at first, watching in amusement at what was happening. Making my presence known, I waved at familiar, youthful souls, all searching for some relaxation within the wonderful game that I have come to appreciate more and more.

I disappeared into the shadows once more, but no, my heart wasn't calm yet. It was still beating rapidly, as if the sights that I just beheld weren't enough to calm the soul of a disenchanted soul. I walked along the central axis of Hwa Chong, recognising the significance and landmarks that lie along this "golden line" of Hwa Chong.

I walked towards the field, where the stars and a half-moon shone brightly. Yes, a soothing calm came upon me then, but yet, why not walk even more? I don't usually come out alone anyway. As I approached the grass patch behind the science block, I remembered how many feared coming to this place. I wasn't afraid one bit a few years ago, but I guess under the influence of those around me, I started to feel a little of the other side towards the appreciation of this area. On one hand, it offered me solitude, a piece of quiet from a bustling world that I was constantly surrounded by. I never liked crowds, as some of you might know, and this piece of grass, the thick trees that spurted out of the ground; this was my sanctuary, at times. But on the other side that I saw more of now, was the eerieness of such a place. The place was dark, slightly illuminated by a pale white light. Many little sounds were heard at once, all of them soft, but adding up to the sound of night as I know it. The humming of a motor, the chirping of nightbugs; and then I thought, it's true that humans fear the unknown after all. Darkness has always been considered evil and fearful, perhaps because we cannot see what is happening. There is no light to show the way, and we fear the unknown surroundings.

Going down towards the canteen, I passed unlit squash courts, and once again the duality of emotions came upon me. It influenced me to walk back upstairs to the hall though. I couldn't resist but walk back into the place I had become familiar with, to watch familiar people once again. I looked at how others played, knowing that improvements could be made to either side's game. The urge to enter Kah Kee Hall once again wasn't because of restlessness, nor was it curiosity, but rather a sense of closure to my enchanting walk, and a transition back to a world filled with people.

I walked back to my room, satisfied that I had made the decision to walk around the reminiscient campus. It's a lovely place, even at night. My school? Soothing, beautiful, balanced.

Fear and appreciation -- contrasting emotions. Sublime night campus?

Random reflections on IMCB (some bio attachment lah...)

2009-04-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

To tell the truth, the main reason why I signed up for IMCB in the first place was to sort of escape from school for a while, to do something that I had never done before, and perhaps to be exposed to higher level science experiments which I was never close to doing. Well, no regrets, because it gave me what I wanted, and a little more. =)

As I walked towards the Proteos building on the first day, I was happy to see another guy wearing a hwa chong pe-shirt, but yet saddened, that he was actually sitting on the floor outside the building, working on a single geometry olympiad question. Eventually, I got closer to a hwa chong J2 girl instead cos the "maths guy" (as a lot of ppl called him) eventually spent i-dunno-how-many-hours on that one maths worksheet. Well, so much for having a sec 3 fellow maths olympiad guy there. Utterly disgusted would be what I feel towards what I observed sometimes.

Okay that aside, at least I made a few friends. =) Before this my impression of Catholic High School was really bad (I wonder because of who), but luckily there were two fellow sec 4s who could really joke and talk more. Oh, and they are in the same class as *ahem, which is why we ended up criticizing him like crazy. Haha. In contrast, my impression didn't really change towards RI... I sensed a competitive mindset and some arrogance behind all three J1 RJC guys, but well, gotta admit that it's just 3 guys who were chosen to come for a bio research workshop.

Throughout this workshop I guess I learnt many things: that I can't work in a lab for many years, that it takes a lot of humour and competence for a person like me to even survive in a lab, that the Singapore government does place a lot of emphasis on biomedical research, that being open to opportunities allow us to benefit more, and that the morning sounds coming from school before 8am are... to be savoured. =)

If only I joined in JC, then I might have understood more of what the hell we were doing all the time. =D I was seriously wracking my brains everyday trying to figure out all the agar plates and bacteria stuff. It worked to some extent I guess... Oh, but at least I got to play cards and talk more to other people! =)

To Ron and Xue Li, our dearest trainers, thank you, once again.

Limits

2009-03-12T10:09:00.001-07:00

Well, one might recall "limits" being a sub-topic within calculus, but for this post, its more of my own mental and physical limits. ;)

If one were to ask me when my capabilities were truly stretched to breaking point, I would recall my sec 2 SLC experience. Back then, I felt invigorated, being part of such a wonderful event. But still, I burned out after that, never having enough time to recover until the start of this year. That year, yes, I was stretched, but amusingly enough, I was still happy to have such an experience. =)

Still, the bigger challenge came in sec 3, when I still felt the effects of fatigue, yet had to take on so many commitments. The most notable one was of course, the 14th SLC OS position. That year, I was stretched even further. I daresay that I slept about the same amount compared to the previous year, but mentally, I was exhausted, struggling to cope with all that I was expected of. That year, I precariously hovered near my mental breaking point. I had pushed too hard I guess.

Throughout all the mental torture, I never really met with any physical limits though. I was strong, healthy and actively involved in sports. How much would it take to break me down? Well, all it took was a little less sleep, and some overexertion. In sec one, I never once fell sick; in sec two, I had a fever only once one week before SLC; in sec 3, I fell sick 3 or 4 times, including once in Sabah and once in Beijing. Just how much did it take for my physical well-being to deteriorate? Not much, just prolonged suffering and abuse of the body.

Just 2 days ago, I experienced my first truly incapacitating injury. My back muscle (lamenta if I am not wong) caused a lot of pain, even while I was stepping back and forth during fencing classes. I had done my stretching exercises wrongly, and the problem was well, aggravated by badminton training in the afternoon. A major wrong decision indeed. I frequently experienced limb muscle aches, but those aches healed quickly, and that was perhaps what caused my thinking of me being invulnerable...

As I ponder over the increasing physical weaknesses that have been exposed to far, I wonder, have I gone too far? How should I stop? Or maybe, should I stop at all (Is it worth it?)?

Slumdog Millionaire

2009-02-22T08:13:00.000-08:00

A movie about fate, truth, innocence, poverty and of course, love. It was quite a fairytale-like movie of course. Most of the people who read my blog would have already watched the movie by now, and some know that I was rendered almost speechless for 20 minutes after watching the wonderful work of art.

It's a British production entirely filmed in India, almost didn't make it to the big screen, yet popularised among the small Sec 4 Hwa Chong group through an article in the Times Magazine. The movie techniques used were brilliant, but it was ultimately the story plot and flow of it all that made the film so impactful to me.

I have long advocated the use of truth in our everyday lives, especially when it comes to friendships. In the film, what struck me greatest was the use of truth and innocence in portraying the main character, be it in his thinking, his love or his decisions. In the world that I see and live in today, I yearn for more truth and innocence, especially within myself. One might say I am having partial success at it, but I know that bits and pieces might surface from time to time, waiting for me to quell the unwelcome (or mostly unpleasant) thoughts in my ever-changing mind.

The themes in the film are indeed universally appreciated, which is perhaps why it is tipped to win an Oscar soon. It is a story which left many to dazzle at. It was perhaps a brave act as well, to cast the young main characters from actual slums. It added a dash of authenticity and a different perspective of what we usually see in Bollywood movies -- beautiful people and sceneries. The situation of India as portrayed in the film is chaotic, brutal and often cruel. Time and time again we see how children are exploited, how even money can cause a brotherly betrayal, how desperately poor the lower castes of India can be. Yet through the bleak shadows we see a light, represented by Jamal's fated reunion with Latika. That perhaps, is what kept most viewers hoping for light within each of our lives. That, is the ever-present glimmer of light that keeps all of us hoping.

I was never a person born into harsh conditions, so I might not identify with the character as strongly as others might. It's been a while since I last watched a rags to riches movie. But at the end of it all, this movie certainly had its effects on a teenager like me. Kudos, to one of the most touching underdog stories that I have ever heard of.

"Truth is what everyone pursues" (Shien Yang)
Is this really true? ;)

Truth and Purity, will I ever see it being replicated in the next few years?

Sayembara Cepat Bina Kata 2009

2009-02-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I can't say everything before and after the competition was enjoyable, but for this competition, it sure gave me something I had never experienced before.

For 3 weeks, those within the team would go to Readers' Haven from 10 to 1030pm every night, just to practise on our word-forming. The 1st week was still okay; some of us (including me) got a little pissed during the 2nd week; during the last few days, almost everyone started getting really serious.

And today, as we stepped out of the cab into the community centre, there was this slight adrenaline rush in me; my heart was pounding louder than it usually did. Well, at least that's considered "normal", since I have the same experience each year during SMO or badminton competitions. Hmm... maybe it makes me perform slightly better during mind competitions. For badminton, the reverse effect. Haha.

Anyway, the rules were simple. 16 letters will be flashed on a screen, and contestants will have to form as many words as possible within 3 minutes. During the competition though, all of us were slightly delighted (sadistic also?) to actually see no one else writing faster than us. We were kinda confident, but still, wary of the few brilliant local malays that might prove to be the difference.

In the end I guess th results weren't too bad after all. Yung Kit got 1st, Chih-Yang got 4th in the Junior Section. For the Senior section, I got 2nd while Shi-Jie got 3rd. We were happy, but still suspected that something went wrong... Most people know what I am referring to anyway. ;)
For this competition, at least I got to refresh my malay vocab while speaking more in malay during the training sessions. Seeing how the event was run, maybe I can already make some assumptions based on observations? ;)

Good experience indeed. (:

The Long Journey Home

2009-01-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

The inspiration came as I woke up from my car nap back home from Kedah. As I looked out into the scenery, I saw the great sun set among the mountains. If it was a video clip, it was typical ideational montage -- the sunset could symbolise the end of my reminiscent time during the last Chinese New Year; the end of a wonderful time for me.

As I look out through the window, all I see is the impending dread of going back to school, to where the boring, endless work is, to a place where work performance is key whether we like it or not, to where I don't really feel like I belong anymore. I am really starting to become more sentimental I guess. A staggering four overseas trips last year taught me a lot. One of them is giving me the realisation that home is still a place irreplaceable by anything else. If sec 2 was a year I was stretched mentally, then sec 3 was a year I was stretched emotionally. I am not that naive anymore perhaps. The world ain't that innocent anymore I guess.

I see fellow Malaysian scholars missing "the kampung life". Going back to a quiet town / village where wooden houses still exist, running around the area freely, buying cheap ice-cream or snacks, GAMBLING, having a meal with all the relatives together, even sitting around the TV watching some late-night movie. Most of the time the setting is simple, but it is this simple setting that truly brings out the essence of our Chinese New Year experiences. Away from the hustle and bustle of city life, some find paradise in the tradition of Chinese New Year. Maybe I am one of them, more and more each year as I go abroad more. It is only during this period of each year that everyone can get together as a family, without any arguments or worries about work. All that's left is laughter, and joy, and love.

You might say it's pretty sad for me to finally realise how much CNY can (should) mean, but here I am, better late than never. I have learnt so much during the past Lunar year, more than any other. Perhaps one of the most important ones is this emotion that I am trying to convey right now.

Just like I said to everyone else, Singapore to me is just a good working environment. Get in, get the job done, and get out. There's a fundamental difference between Singapore and Malaysia, as taught from the Beijing trip. I look forward to my next escapade then.

It was exceptionally great this Chinese New Year somehow. I realised a lot of things, so here's to another 2 years of missing my brothers during this special period.

If only my brothers were here. So many things to say and do now that I realise.

Though late this may be, Happy Chinese New Year everyone. =)

End of 2008 -- A brief summary

2008-12-31T02:53:00.001-08:00

Keep Holding On
-by Avril Lavigne

You and Me
-by Lifehouse

Home
- by Chris Daughtry

A New Day Has Come
-by Celine Dion

Drowning
-by Backstreet Boys

Summer Sunshine
- by The Corrs

All these, are perhaps the song that represent my life this year, the songs that I have listened so many times over the course of a year, through earphones, and within myself.

It's the end of 2008 now. Let's go. =)

Story book review -- lots of drama indeed

2008-12-27T17:50:00.001-08:00

I am not too sure whether it's actually a story book or an extended drama performance. Maybe it's because the main characters in this story are all acting. But still, a story book seems to be a more... beautiful and natural expression to me.

The pages of this book turns as each day passes; no new characters are introduced, but some become more emphasised; relationships are either forged or broken apart; many can predict the ending, but we cannot be sure. As I flip back to each chapter of my desire, I learn more and more about how certain groups of people actually think and react. As I look deeper into issues and discuss them with those who are more knowledgable, I gain new insights. All this, for a story book.

The lies, the acting, the drama, the fake-ness of it all. I know that sometimes we do have to put on a mask to achieve our goals. But is this worth putting on a mask? I personally don't usually become out of character, and that's why I dislike secrecy and lies and masks hiding true selves. It's usually a strength, but occasionally a weakness as well. For a long time now, I have valued Truth and Purity. I have found some of it within this story book, but alas, the lies overshadow such a hopeful gleam of light.

Through the little things that I see, it actually shows a lot more than we can imagine. How people talk, who people like to be with, what people usually do. These are all the things that I have had the privilege of observing so far. It's been fun being a total spectator and commentator for now, but suddenly, too many saddening twists in this story have overcome my joy in being the observer but never really the player.

Like I mentioned, I can only predict the ending of this story book, but I cannot be sure. I am taking a bet actually. But then again, many would say I am being too sentimental in caring so much for something that doesn't really affect me that much. I have read many other story books. With the same beginning, the story usually ends with the same logical ending. I think of what this story has left for all of us, and all I see is the same ending -- a sad one.

Good day to all. =)

End of week 2 in Beijing

2008-12-15T04:31:00.001-08:00

It's been 2 full weeks over here in Beijing, and perhaps unexpectedly, new problems have surfaced. Unfortunately.

I seem to be drinking A LOT of water lately, partly to keep my lips moist, my legs are getting slight rashes because of dirty long johns, I am a little jaded because of badminton physical training, but more importantly, perhaps I am not really getting used to being a "nobody" over here for now.

Lessons were as expected, a little slow and boring, but at least we still learn some stuff over here. I am not wearing long johns now actually, for fear of aggravating my rashes. My dad actually asked me to buy at least another 2 more sets, so I guess I might have to chiong dirt cheap shoes + T-shirts + long johns this Sunday at 秀水街. Ah wells, at least I can still practise my bargaining skills again. Quite fun actually. Haha.

Well, back to perhaps the more depressing part of my blog post, which was actually the reason why I started this post. To tell the truth, I came here, wanting to be a "nobody". To stop being a role model, to stop answering all the questions in class, to stop being someone with high authority, to stop being watched by teachers and peers, to not always be surrounded by many people. Somehow, I guess I am not really getting used to it yet. Sometimes when I look at the amount of energy that emanates around other groups in my class, I wonder how much I can ignore. I am already sitting beside an eccentric person in class; I am roommates / badminton mates with Jonathan Foo; I am not looking at any of the SN girls in the eye except for Shu Shien; I am not mixing with any of the "social gang"; and I am trying my best not to say too much during Maths class.

I am not sure what this means about me, but I also realise that this is perhaps the best opportunity for me to go unnoticed anywhere, to warm myself up for a (hopefully) slower lifestyle in Singapore next year. I am not sure what it means, or what I should do next, but for now, at least I am still surviving.

I will figure it out, just like most of the things that has come my way so far. I will learn eventually, just like all the new experiences that have enriched my life.

Beijing Post, written on 6th December

2008-12-09T05:13:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a week for me over here in Beijing, and no matter how cliched this may sound, this programme seriously does have its ups and downs for me. Well, at least things have gotten better for me compared to the first few days.

Actually for the downside I can only think of one -- the harsh weather. Haha. Having to wear 5 layers every time we go out isn't exactly convenient, but at least it's a new experience. Then at first my lips were cracking because of the dry air, but I only realised that licking your own lips makes it much worse. Then I can't believe I actually survived the entire of today without lip balm at all, without licking my lips of course. Yay achievement, haha.

For upsides, there are many. The friends, the food, the outings, the way things are run here, the new friendships. Similar to Shanghai, we do go out for dinner, albeit only on weekends. Having time to talk to close friends is well, something that I haven't always been able to fulfill. =)

Oh, and the food's pretty good as well. Though sometimes I don't eat enough, at least the quality's better than boarding school. =D Mr Ang says that the food isn't actually better, but we are just too bored of the food in boarding school. Haha. Still haven't had a chance to try Peking Duck though...... I still have time. =D

For all outings we actually take public bus. The "sardine effect" whenever 90 people squeeze onto a bus is well, okay actually, even if the bus ride lasts for an agonising 40 mins. Haha at least I am a guy luhh, when I squeeze also not so 吃亏，as Mr Ang always puts it.

We went to The Forbidden City, Tsing Hua University, Beijing University, Beijing Zoo (looks more like a huge park), a wholesale mall (bought a 160 yuan winter jacket), the Planetarium (boring...) and a City Planning Museum that was only for information and not entertainment. One thing I realised, is that it's actually pretty hard to take pictures here. That's actually because my hands freeze once I take off my gloves... Haha.

Then of course, I have 4 cool roommates and a "not-so-best-friend" one. Well, for most people you already know him, and for the one who doesn't, I just feel irritated by the way he treats girls. ;) Really gotta thank my roommates so far for being so cooperative though. Neat and warm, the perfect environment in my eyes. =)

Well, that's it for now I guess. For those back in Malaysia, don't worry, things are only getting better over here. =) I will be back to post soon, I promise.

My 100th post! -- Shanghai Maths Training Course, A Memorable Experience

2008-11-28T08:17:00.000-08:00

Just like the period of time before the Thailand trip, I wasn't really enthused about going to Shanghai. There wasn't a very clear programme schedule for us to be prepared for, and I didn't like the idea of shortening my holidays any further. Well, I guess my mindset towards the trip totally changed just after 3 days. =)

1st day was great. Airport trip was pretty eventful and interesting, got down on the wrong terminal even, luckily the car was still waiting. ;) We reached the Shanghai boarding school at night, but of course, there was bridge for the high school students in our rooms. Legal and intellectual game of course. Hehe.

2nd day was informative. Joined in a normal school Math lesson on vectors with the local students. Well, at least we had learnt it before, so we managed to understand everything. Next, we attended an Olympiad training class. The teacher went so fast that I didn't understand large parts, almost falling asleep eventually. Of course, we were totally ignored during both classes as the teachers already had their own students to focus on. Lastly, we had a briefing and short school tour.

3rd day was, well, simply awesome. 熊斌教授, who is the main IMO coach in Shanghai actually came to teach us for a few lessons from the 3rd day onwards. He was given ruptuous rounds of applause on both his first and last lessons with us. He deserved it. =)

Other than that, there were 2 other teachers, both not as good as 熊斌教授, but with one being so slack and quick in his explanations that nobody, including the HC teachers understood him. Oh, except for maybe Nie Tian though, the imba sec 3 PRC. ;)

Outside of lessons, we actually had quite a lot of free time at night. Having to return to boarding school by 10pm (it's winter over there, nightfall's early), we always had at least 2 hours each night for the Hwa Chong high school students' "Bridge Open". 8 people. Losers sit on the floor, winners stay on the bed. Simple.

For food, well, I tried 2 restaurant meals (at the same place), one steam boat, 2 small roadside shops, one Western meal and a place so expensive that I don't even want to talk about it. The food that we had was not bad though, considering us being amateur food scouts. =D

Guess I had one heck of a time there. The lessons were great, the company was great, Hangzhou day-trip was fantastic, the food was great, the lodging was great. Even the weather seemed nice to me. Not too cold yet, but nice. =)

There are definitely good memories of this once in a lifetime experience. Being in the same class as our usual teachers sure was a worthwhile experience after all.

Some famous quotes ;)

所以，这个。。。这个。。。这个角等于这个角等于这个角等于这个角
然后, 这个边等于这个边等于这个边等于这个边
有了外心,内心,重心,垂心。。。。。。。。。。。。就可形成九点圆了
-Geometry teacher who couldn't get the class to understand anything

I don't care lah
Okay, suicide
-Eng Keat while playing bridge. Haha.

矛盾!
-熊斌教授

Walao why so HOT?!
-The Peter who wears one layer when going out at night. All of us were like :O

EHH???
Yes...
No...
是。。。
否。。。
-Imba sec 4's who are so fun to be with ;D

What I wrote for school magazine, Panorama

2008-11-12T06:59:00.000-08:00

Close to a thousand participants, from more than 50 countries. All of us met on the 26th of October. For most of us, it was an experience of a lifetime.

The International Mathematics Competition in Chiang Mai, Thailand was held between the 25th of October and 31th of October, attracting participants from all over the world. We were delighted to witness our fellow mathematics enthusiasts come all the way from countries including Holland, Rwanda, Mexico, and our geographical neighbours Malaysia and Indonesia. For the opening ceremony, we were greatly honoured to have the Prime Minister of Thailand, Mr Somchai Wongsawat to grace the occasion, kick-starting a massive event.

As we stepped out into the waiting area of Chiang Mai International Airport, we were greeted by the organisers as well as our local hosts. I was personally surprised by how warm and friendly the local hosts were in Thailand. Throughout our stay there, they always went the extra mile to make sure our needs were met, even if it meant sacrificing much of their own time and effort.
For this major competition, the Singapore Team consisted of 16 students, with Hwa Chong sending 4. Besides managing to attain a silver and 3 bronze medals in the individual category, Hwa Chong proudly clinched the first prize for the team category, beating strong competition from China and Taiwan.

But of course, it wasn’t all fierce competition there. What made the trip memorable were the people we met, the cultures we saw first-hand, and the newly forged bonds between participants of different nationalities. After the competition, a cultural night was held for us, where each country was invited to do a performance onstage, to celebrate the diverse cultures that converge at this very place.

Fortunately, we had a glimpse of life in Chiang Mai as our hosts brought us around, allowing us to further appreciate the richness of Thai culture.

They call Thailand “The Land of Thousand Smiles”. As I walked onto the plane back home, I smiled back. It was an experience of a lifetime.

Humanities In Celebration 2008

2008-10-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

I lie on the cold hard floor,
Unable to determine
If time has passed me by

This play of ours,
Is it purely for fun and interest?
Or for one man's dreams.

I lie here on the cold hard floor,
Wondering
How should I handle this.

This was what I felt during a Sunday rehearsal in the Black Box. Waiting for fellow cast members to arrive, I knew that there was already a gap between two groups within the cast itself. One would be me, Jerome, Zi Cong and Wei Cher. The other, would be all the CAP-pers. I saw how high and open and liberal they could be, and shaking my head, I frequently gave that quiet smile to Jerome. I wondered, if lying on the cold hard floor trying to sleep while waiting, anyone would notice and actually rectify such a division. Was such an act worthwhile?

The play was excellent, I thought. The cast was talented and suited for their roles. But still, there was constantly this unbridgable gap between the 2 groups. To me, only Cheryl really made an attempt, but it was never going to work anyway. We practised and rehearsed and toiled for that one night, silently acknowledging this difference within 20 cast members itself.

As the show ended that night, I waited for a miracle to happen. I almost lost hope, until a crass line was heard. Mixed emotions I guess. After that, I went backstage through the narrow staircase, enjoying my precious private time, holding on to a treasure.

Somehow, I never was able to put all my thoughts into words. It's really mixed and jumbled up I guess, but thank you, to everyone who have given me this experience.

What I wrote to my council juniors

2008-10-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

My council life in Hwa Chong was perhaps largely dominated by the 13th and 14th Student Leaders’ Convention. To tell the truth, I was almost like a phantom in iCouncil, sometimes there and sometimes not. For me, it indeed has been an illustrious Hwa Chong council life.

I started out in Level Day OT during the end of sec 1. Being a totally inexperienced person, it was somewhat a warm-up for me, an eye-opener to see how events were supposed to be organized. It was a stepping stone to the 13th SLC OT.

I was in sec two. The 13th SLC experience will perhaps be the sweetest event ever. Although I was just a normal committee member, I will never forget the countless late nights, endless KAP suppers, uncountable meetings but of course, the laughter that we had as a team. If there was one thing that stuck in my mind after 13th SLC, it was that I would be back the next year during sec three, to take on a higher pose and give back to SLC what it has given to me. I also realized that year, that friendships forged by striving hard together over a prolonged period of time, may actually be stronger than the casual ones. As long as we stay in contact, that fact is safe.

iSpark Nite 07 loomed ahead. While being one of the actors in Humanities in Celebration, I regret to say that I neglected the “biggest iCouncil event” of the year at certain times. The planning was really last-minute in the end, but fortunately, the event went rather smoothly. Still, I knew that as the OS of the event, I had made a very big mistake, awaiting the 14th SLC challenge that lay less than a year ahead.

Entering sec 3, I was elated at the news that I had been chosen as the OS for the 14th SLC. I knew my experience counted for something, but in the end, I might say that the event didn’t quite meet many people’s standards, including mine. I knew I had to get everyone in the OT together fast and really work hard for 5 months, but in the end, neither of these objectives was met satisfactorily. There were our triumphs, our laughs, and the fun, but most of it was overshadowed by the many flaws in the event organization. I shan’t elaborate much here, for some things I feel are too personal to say to others. All I can say, is that much more effort was needed in the preparation for the event. I wasn’t disciplined enough to let go of certain commitments, and I wasn’t strict enough at first, to enforce the desperately needed ground rules. Everything was rushed, and even until now, I can see flashbacks of the many failing scenes during the event itself. It’s hard to say, but sometimes I look into empty space, shuddering at the scenes that go on in my mind. The nightmares.

I shan’t be going on to the High School Council, as I realize that I have to prioritise now. I realize my limitations, and I am unwilling to push them again as far as I have this year. To all juniors who read this, sec 3’s a whole new game altogether. Your academic load will increase by a lot, so please prepare for sacrifices. One day you might realize that there are too many opportunities for you to take, so please understand your limits. You can push them like I did. It could have turned out okay, but I guess it made the situation a little more risky.

Through it all, I think of the OBS slogan:
“To serve, to strive and not to yield”

Appropriate indeed for a Hwa Chong councilor.

Outward Bound Sabah

2008-08-24T04:54:00.000-07:00

I guess I was pretty excited at the start, regarding my trip to Sabah. It was a total 8-day self discovery course, a platform for the student leaders in Hwa Chong to actually meet someplace. I wouldn't say it has been the "experience of a lifetime", but it is at least one that will be remembered for a very very long time, having some pretty long-term consequences.

As we touched down and got out of Kinabalu Local Airport, we could all already sense the different setting around the place. I looked out of my window to see how life was in this part of Malaysia. Glad to say, the initial opinion that I had stayed as my final opinion. Simple, but happy. That was the great culture difference between where we came from, and where we were going to venture at for 7 days.

The first day was spent on team-building and preparation for the jungle expedition. We got to know our instructors, the super adventurous and technically-sound Andrew, plus the somewhat more "in-touch" Helse.

We were all pysched up for the highlight of the OB course -- the jungle trek. It was by far the most eventful item on the programme list. All of us got bitten by leeches, most of us didn't bathe for the entire 4 days, some of us didn't even do our "big business" throughout the 4 days... Every day, we woke up at sunrise, packed and set off. Although we seemed extremely exhausted after each day, we were surprised by the lack of effort by the instructors even with their heavy harversacks. We didn't really realise, until we came to our first homestay in a place called Kuloupodos.

We reached the place at around 2 plus, and were tasked to ask the host family about life in the forest and the general culture at that area. As the host only knew Dusun and Malay, I was naturally "nominated as ambassador". Haha. Well, guess I learnt a lot from them, even laughing when the host's 6-year old child managed to start a fire all by herself. I realised that the people there were already used to the rough terrain, with the 6-year old travelling 4 hours each day to our starting point every day for kindergarten. Wonderful experience indeed...

On the day where we were to climb up Gunung Podos to 500 feet above sea level, it poured cats and dogs. Drained of physical ability, we suddenly became super motivated, roaring our way up the hill and finally, dao-ing many commitments to sleep early under the freezing cold conditions. =D

Finally when it came to the last day of the trek, I fell sick. Having skipped baths for 4 whole days + lack of quality/quantity of food + over-exertion + insufficient good sleep, I guess I was finally brought down to a fever of 38.4 degrees. I had difficulty breathing and moving at the high points of the trek, sleeping like a pig when I got back to base camp. On one hand, you could say "my mental will exceeded my physical capability". On the other, you could say "I am just not Superman". =D Well, at least I recovered in time for the sea expedition, unlike 2 of my watch mates, who fell sick a day after me.

Sea expedition was a little boring perhaps, maybe because of our lack of ability to paddle fast enough and insufficient knowledge on sailing more importantly. Once we reached the island and set up camp, many of us went to enjoy the sea water and the scenery, while escaping from the pesky sandflies of course. Dinner was close to a nightmare, with us unable to find sufficiently strong Y-sticks and lacking in sight as night approached. Well, at least no one puked or had diarrhoea during the night. Hehe.

It all ended so fast on the last day. After sailing back to base camp, we were all super exhausted by then. Our final dinner there, the final debrief, the final wave goodbye. I guess it turned out to be a memorable experience after all...

And now, for a new chapter in my life, where skills and knowledge obtained during the meaningful 8 days take on a very practical course.

Thought of the day:
"While I was navigator of Group Kingfisher, I realised that most people look on where they step on to ensure safety. But when we look ahead, we get to see what lies ahead of us; when we look around us, we get to appreciate the beauty of everything that's happening around usm, and maybe, we can even find new paths to follow; when we look back, we can see what we left behind, and how things were. Take a break and look around occasionally, because you may never know what you will see."

Things could have been different

2008-08-06T08:49:00.001-07:00

Listening to Mr Hon's presentation today, I was anticipating a high-level discussion of the school values and the students' lack of certain values. Sad to say, I was highly disappointed.

For starters, I could see the dark looks on the teachers' faces as the panel discussion took place. From what Mr Hon presented and the little hints that I get each day, I could feel the tension within many teachers sitting in that auditorium. While they were holding their breath waiting for a fruitful discussion to take place, immaturity and a lack of ability to read between the lines took over. To keep it simple, there were opinions that the standard of Hwa Chong students are declining.

For starters, people kept coming out stating their opinion on the exact hair rules and the definitions of the specific rules. Yes, I do agree that the hair issue is a very subjective one and could have been discussed for a much much longer period of time. But is it worth dwelling upon such topics? Did the majority of the sec 3 students within that auditorium really think that Mr Hon's presentation had no link whatsoever to the discussion taking place? Perhaps everyone was like me, unwilling to speak after last week's outburst at the outrageous comments and suggestions made by pupils during the students' forum.

The situation wasn't helped by the chairmen nor the panelists, with one of the panelists even pin-pointing a student from his class, requesting for him to come out and embarass him right there before 400 students in what was supposed to be "an intellectual discussion by Hwa Chong gentlemen -- the future leaders of society". Perhaps I am being too harsh and oversensitive on this issue, but I have always felt that the school is being too liberal. Like what a teacher mentioned in the powerpoint, the goal posts are constantly shifting. Students no longer have a sense of conformity to authority because the symbols of authority are constantly changing and are ever-negotiable. I could sense Ms Gwee's anger and frustration towards such a system, and I believe I understand why teachers actually feel that way, for I have such sentiments as well.

In the process of becoming a highly democratic, liberal and open school community, I feel that certain traditional Chinese values have been eroded from the students of this once great institution, "steeped with rich Chinese culture and tradition". There is little respect left for teachers, a lack of overall discipline in terms of work especially (in terms of following the rules, of course people are good at it), a lack of the steely, dogged determination that we Chinese were once proud of.

As I watched the meaningless discussion drone on and on, I wondered why the chairman never intervened. Whether he saw the greater significance of the discussion, I do not know...

Through all the mental torture and frustrations, I couldn't formulate my thoughts and arguments into a solid speech soon enough. Fortunately, I looked at Shi-Jie who was sitting beside me, and he had that pensive, ready-to-burst look on his face. I knew he was going to say something soon, and it was most likely going to be similar to what I had in mind -- to just keep the rules on hair length and remind students to conform to authority. I stayed in my seat, while he stepped out to the front.

I am saying this because I look on in sadness at how Hwa Chong seems to have declining standards so far. Yes, our achievements have been excellent all along, but beneath all the prizes and winners, how much character do we actually have in us? In the process of moulding us into more competitive individuals, are we neglecting the fundamental, core values that everyone should have for a more peaceful society?

I once mentioned to someone that I may be too mature for my own good within my batch. But when it comes down to such practical events that happen in our everyday life in school, I cannot stop but think of what Hwa Chong students are turning into. I fear that, for the aim of achieving excellence and a global perspective, we have neglected the moral fibre that is needed within each and every one of us. I fear, that it is not me who is too deep thinking, but many others who take shortcuts and never realise the greater significance of certain issues.

The Competitive Environment

2008-07-25T04:50:00.001-07:00

It's been a long long while since I last posted up anything on this blog, but if you were to give it a guess as to why so, you would most probably get it right.

Over the past few weeks, my expectations have been placed way below what I had during the same period last year. Maybe the sheer competition in my class made me sway from my resolution, but right now, I am not as completely whole as before. I am chiseled, chipped off at certain parts, unable to have the academic confidence that I once had. My incapability to finish homework that others can is mainly what caused this mental conflict. Add that to my near last-in-class results for chem and physics for 2 consecutive terms, and I am now facing a conflict of personal beliefs against the urge to free-fall and see where I land.

The new experiences I have had range from near failure in Science (of all subjects), not being able to finish my homework on time during numerous occasions, and most recently, not contributing as much as I would have wanted in the IDS project.

Last week, we were given a lot of free time to really work on our research. Given the large amount of spare time, I caught up with the homework that I wouldn't normally manage to do. I was happy then, but a sense of guilt came by, as I hadn't really done much content work on the task at hand. This week, the inevitable rush came, and the 3 of us in group 1-4 were forced to sleep late nights. Though I have to seriously thank Bo Jun for coming up with such a wonderful poster and Wei Liang for all the content work, I will try to take it easy when it comes to my own evaluation.

SMTP1 was supposed to be a fully Maths class. I am not sure whether they intended it to be the best academic class in SMTP, but from the level of dilligence of the PRC's and many Singaporeans, the pressure just isn't familiar to me. I am trying to cope with it now, but I am afraid I may need time to stop comparing myself with Shi-Jie or Run Xian.

I never was one who could adapt fast, but I will definitely put in the effort to change how I feel towards myself now. All the while, a scene keeps playing back in my mind.

During Physics tutorial on Wednesday, the smiling relief teacher, Mr Leong somewhat accidentally mentioned, "This is SMTP1 right? I thought this is the best class or something..."
I accept the near-fact, and I will strive, not really to achieve greater heights than my classmates, but to learn to let go.

SMO 2008

2008-06-29T00:29:00.001-07:00

I walked out of Hall A towards Blue Tea, and the first sight of Shi-Jie made my heart beat even faster than before.

I was anxious about this year's SMO. The consequences that it might carry, the close competition that the 5 of us had in our batch, the uncertainties of SMO results, the toughness of the paper, and the ever-usual stress of 3 hour long competitions. Somehow, this year, after SLC's over and I am refocused again, the personal expectations for this particular day was set high. I couldn't lose touch with Mathematics, not now that I am already so close, or deeply involved.

Walking into the familiar LT27 that was the freezing cold venue last year, the competition started with few instructions right after everyone managed to find a seat. I stared at the questions for a while, trying to figure out my strategy for the next 3 hours. Last year, the timing was just right. I focused on 3 questions, and managed to check my solutions even. This year, the questions seemed a little tougher, but I gave it my best shot anyway.

1st question was a geometry question. Peter was able to finish his working on it during the first 10 minutes, but as I read the question, an inexplicable phobia of geometry swept past me once again. I never was very strong in geometry, but given the rise in standard of such questions in Senior Section, I never really gave myself much of a chance during Geometry Maths Olympiad lessons in school. I moved on to the next question, which seemed to be a more friendly topic to me. Numbers and indices. This time, I really spent a lot of time on the question. Although I went to other questions after running out of ideas for that one, my first real feasible idea came one hour into the competition, and the brainwave struck me like lightning -- sudden, and fascinating.

Perhaps nobody in Hwa Chong sec 3 understood the 3rd question, so I skipped it. 4th question was more about logic and disproving a scenario. I always have had quite an interest towards such questions as well, and soon, I broke the code to find the contradiction that was needed.

Lastly, the 5th question. Though it did not look very complicated, through experience, I realised that we should never underestimate that last question. Working and expanding on the complicated equations, I conceded defeat in the end. It was inequalities after all, and I never really liked complicated factorisations and the sort. Haha. All the while, I could spy Shi-Jie (sitting beside me) either writing furiously or thinking really hard, not a movement to be made for some period of time.

Time was up, and as I got up to hand in the solutions, Shi-Jie was complaining that he already knew how to do the 1st question, just that he mis-estimated the time and couldn't finish writing his solution to that question, costing him many precious marks. Oh wells, shit happens, and we learn from experience.

It was the first time that I actually thought of the questions after coming out of the hyped up theatre at the end. My mind wasn't tired as it should have been then, but I also knew that that resolution would break after a few hours at most. I discussed the questions with the other Hwa Chong guys, and to my surprise, all 5 of us managed to do around 2 questions each, spread across questions 1, 2 and 4. Nobody understood 3 and 5 was just crazy. Haha. After having lunch at 6th Avenue, I accidentally fell asleep on Eng Keat's bed, still in school uniform like nobody's business. ;P

The past 4 weeks, something to learn from

2008-06-21T15:10:00.002-07:00

It's the end of the holidays now. As I type this out, my mind is still going over the details of Holland's loss to Russia in the Euro quarter-finals. I support the more attractive team of course, and it pains me to see that 3 underdogs have gone through to the semis after 3 quarter-final matches...

But that's just part of what my holiday was for the past 4 weeks. The first week was entirely devoted to SLC, with clearing up of the school compound only done on the Monday of the second week. SLC is perhaps the biggest thing that I will ever experience in high school, but here is not the avenue for further elaboration.

Second week was spent at home while third week was spent in Singapore because of a badminton competition that I eventually lost in. For the last week, I feel really forunate to be able to skip council camp, given that I have already been through 2 years of highly similar camps while not even recognising many of my juniors in council. I don't blame myself, how could I, being one of the invisible members of iCouncil while in SLC? ;) Besides, I slept through half of last year's camp. =D

I still remember last year, when I was constantly craving for "a good break" during the 3 weeks, but never really seeming to get one. I was totally burned out mentally after 13SLC. Add that to my unusually high "withdrawal symptom", and I had to fluke in certain areas after school reopened. The pressure then was too great, too many promises have been made, but this year, things have changed.

This year, perhaps a slightly higher level of discipline, minimised effects of withdrawal symptom and the important infusion of badminton sessions into my holiday schedule helped to ease all the problems faced last year. Expectations and thoughts were always running through my mind last year, but I was already exhausted after a long 6 month haul, and things just couldn't be done "satisfyingly".

Badminton helped to take my mind off work actually. Being almost on par with my brothers now, I had much more fun this time round, perhaps having the best social badminton sessions that I have ever had. For that, I seriously have to thank my 2 brother as well as the other special family. =)

The past 6 months has been indeed, a wonderful and fruitful learning experience for me. I understood more on who I really was, who I could be, how people see me, how as I always say, "everything's in the mind". Sleeping time, work, badminton, everything. As long as we have the mental will, discipline and flexibility of various ideas to work with, almost everything is possible... Even the things that you never deemed possible.

Cheers, to the reopening of school, no matter what (or how) my brothers say it to be. =)

Back to Primary Olympiad Days...

2008-06-21T15:10:00.001-07:00

It seemed like quite a wild idea at first, but I decided to take the job after all.

As preparation for an Olympiad competition even tougher than what they have faced before, extra lessons were given to an exclusive 10 primary school pupils. My elder brother was the regular teacher for this particular class, but on Thursday night, the sudden thought came. I knew where the students standards were, and similar to my brothers, I knew that the competition was for "pure exposure", to put it in a nice way. Heck, even I would feel intimidated 3 years ago...

Dissimilar to what my brothers did, however, was that I actually prepared for the one and a half hour lesson. The main reason why I never wanted to teach at first was because I didn't know what to teach, and how the lesson should be conducted. I asked my brother, and he said that no structure was yet to be in place, and there wasn't really a timeline or teaching aim done up. There was nothing much for me to start with, seeing that my brother only brought a single book to class.

I ended up preparing for the class for 2 whole hours, searching my 2004 Maths camp archives, asking my brother whether the questions were suitable, and finally, choosing 15 of the best questions that I could find. I already knew how to do the questions at the back of my hand actually, so I didn't spend time writing out any sort of solution.

I finished up just on time in the school library, with the company of someone whose prescence I truly appreciated. Walking in to the classroom, I saw 8 tired souls getting a little restless, doing things I presume any tired 12 year-old would. It was the fatigue in their eyes that reminded me of my primary school life, and I doubt few days were as tough as this. It was time for the 15 questions, and a new experience for me.

The class was perhaps as expected perhaps, not fooling around as much (cos my brother jus scolded them the previous day), slightly lacking concentration, playful after seeing such a young teacher, but overall still okay. Thrice I saw people playing with handphones under their tables, but besides a stare and a warning, I was on the brink of lashing out. I threw a piece of chalk at someone who continuously guessed answers blindly; I chased people back to their seats for "innocent" reasons, but that was about all the clamping down that I did. I tried not to keep the mood too tense, given their already waning focus on the subject at hand. Some students knew me after going for the SMOPS invitational round, but too bad, I didn't recognise anyone but one. =P

As I walked to the school gate, perhaps a sense of satisfaction crept over me. I put in the effort to source for those 15 questions and write them out nicely, I am not sure how much use they actually were, but at least I tried. =)

First and maybe last experience in teaching. Haha.

14th Student Leaders Convention -- h(OT)* sh(OT)

2008-06-09T07:32:00.001-07:00

Happiness. Relief. Fatigue. Emptiness. Regret.
All these, and many more are still running through my mind after the biggest council event that I have experienced so far. I won't go into details. All that's already in the After-Action-Review. It's just going to be a reflection this time.

The working process was, well, not as smooth as can be. But still, at least we had fun. =) The times we had, the nights of sleeplessness, the evenings of dinner outside, the rush to communicate and co-ordinate something the next day, even the stress when we were working on documents. I can still remember the moments. And now that it's over, the mixed feelings are taking over.

The past 2 weeks of my holidays hasn't been as "relaxing" as I hoped it to be. As you can see, I have been delaying this post for a long time now. There's about 11 hours of sleep each day, almost 2 hours of badminton time each day, reformatting my computer, going out for meals, plus maybe 3 hours of computer time each night. Well, not much left perhaps. =)

14SLC OT! =D

I can't say too much here, cos there's stuff that's too personal for me to mention. Apologies yea? ;) Well, I have to say that the event was pretty successful from the participants' and the facilitators' point of view. I have to admit that I am sort of a perfectionist, and that my standards can be pretty high, but for SLC, the expectations really are high, considering it's rich 13 year history before this year.

I tried to lead with leniency and a sense of minimal hierarchy. I tried, but to tell the truth, it jeopardised work efficiency. I learnt many valuable lessons in the 4 and a half months that I worked with 24 other great student leaders, but this, is the most valuable one.

I didn't actually cry during Grand Finale as some might have expected to, but I have to say that I only cry during the most unexpected of moments. I still remember, the times we had. 14SLC may be my last council event in High School, but those 4 days, was definitely the time of our lives.

Hurt, by many things

2008-05-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

Why did I think I could call the shots? Was I wrong? Perhaps not, but what I had in mind, was something that was definitely different from what's happening now. I tried to be as neutral as possible, but no matter how hard I try, there's still an element of biasness I feel. It's so abrupt, so sudden, so deadly, so impactful.

I feel like hitting a punching bag as hard as I want right now, I feel like using all my strength until none is left for anger or despair. But right now, I am constrained to the mere fast and furious act of hitting the keyboard with my fingers. Yes, it is a really difficult situation for me now, but I don't know how long will it take for things to smooth over, for things to go back to normal (if they can ever be), for me to forget.

I am weak now, not because of the running just now, but because of my heart that has been hit with a bang. The sheer force of this morning's happenings has affected me badly. I see flaws in all 3 people doings, but yet I cannot have neither the wit nor courage nor tact to reconcile relationships. The antagonist in this story is an unwilling one, one who was accidental, one who tried but perhaps did things inappropriately.

I hope the one who got hurt the most still trusts me, for within all the words said, I still have the naggy feeling of hurt that even I may not be trusted fully. After all that has happened, "the worst" shall not, and will not be possible. I can assure that, a certain distance has been kept, but what I suspect hurts me. I once mentioned that I wouldn't heal properly if things were to happen, and it still is true for me now. Trust, and truth.

It's a difficult situation, for all of us. I am fortunate to have someone tactful enough to understand that, but on my part, I still feel that I have improvements to be made on that area.

What was meant to be an at least okay morning, has turned out to be one of the most unexpected ones.

"Ignorance is bliss", how true can that be...