THE VELVET FACTOR

WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

2009-12-18T08:59:00.005-05:00

Take my kids away for a fucking month. I love them but I'm so sick of my two little bastards I'm about to run off like all those smart dad's I've heard about that just pull up stakes and get the fuck out of dodge. I was at basketball with my 5 year old yesterday and there was a shooting drill/race and my kid was going head to head against a kid about 3 years older than him who also has excellent skills. Needless to say, when my kid failed to score a basket first after 3 head to head shoot off's, he lost it and was inconsolable. He flung himself on the court, crying and pitching a fit and I was the poor schmuck trying to make him feel better for twenty minutes while all the kids and parents watched. I could literally feel myself about to stroke out and go to coma land. He wanted to quit and just leave, which believe me, would have been fine. I wanted to get the fuck out of there too but Like any good/cruel dad, I kept him behind and made him shoot baskets. I didn't care whether or not he got one in, I just didn't want him to think it's ok to quit so I tortured the little prick. The crying and moaning and freaking out continued throughout my Bobby Knight basketball life lesson. He eventually calmed down enough to get a few baskets and felt better. I, on the other hand, felt like I'd gone 37 rounds with Jack Johnson. I think my heart went through some serious blood pressure induced trauma. I need a fucking break from my kids before I die or before I roll my kid up into a ball and jam his ass through a hoop Darryl Dawkins style.

Hat tip to liz for the scary Santa pic

AND SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS

2009-12-16T01:52:00.004-05:00

My wife and I took the kids into Manhattan last night to see the tree and Santa at Macy's had a nice time. A nice time means minimal ridiculous traffic and my kids only made me want to kill them once or twice, mostly waiting in line for Santa. If anyone has ever been to Rockefeller center at christmas time then you know what an absolute mob scene it is but we did the smart thing and went on a Tuesday evening so it wouldn't be too nuts. We actually drove from my house in Connecticut to a parking garage in Midtown Manhattan a block away from Rockefeller center at Christmas time in under 2 hours during rush hour. Pretty ballsy. Waiting in line for Santa only took about a half hour and this Santa was the best. When you go to Macy's on 34th street you're in the majors. You're dealing with seasoned pro's. This Santa had a whole awesome rap going where the kids really thought he knew who they were. He was the most polished, best rehearsed and friendliest Santa I've ever seen. He actually sat and chatted with my two boys for what seemed like 5 minutes...at Macy's! I was pretty impressed. I also thought about doing the skating thing with my boys but I really don't skate well and knew my kids would have driven me absolutely insane plus the line kind of sucked.

One interesting happening, only in Manhattan can you be pushed aside and cut in the Line to see Santa Claus by 8 Jewish females speaking Hebrew. They were all very well dressed in fancy dresses and stockings and nice shoes and they only shoved and brushed past us back and forth 5 or 6 times before they left the line to go annoy the fuck out of some other shiksas and goy. Very weird. I also witnessed a guy proposing marriage to his girlfriend. she was all surprised and cried real tears of joy. He made his move very stealthily. Considering they were in the middle of an area surrounded by thousands and thousands of people I was the only person who noticed. That's because of my keen senses. I have rare ability to sense when someone is about to throw their life away. I could hear the life force being sucked right out of the poor bastard as he cracked open the ring box. Still, there is a little bit of hope, he didn't get down on one knee during his proposal so maybe he'll survive. You should never begin a major commitment with an outward sign of subservience. Dooms you to failure. I clicked a picture of them a moment after he big event.

NOTE TO SELF: DON'T CHEAT ON WIFE IN SOMALIA

2009-12-15T13:50:00.003-05:00

Tiger Woods should thank his lucky stars he wasn't born in Somalia where batshit crazy militant Muslim jerkoffs still stone people to death for having sex with the wrong people. Hmm, why do we Somalians still live like cro-magnon man in the middle of a dry, dead land when the rest of the world has water and food and super models? Hmmm, Maybe it's because you adhere to a violent fundamentalist religion and do dumb shit like this. These pictures really make what Jesus said seem even more poignant, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I bet all these guys are fine upstanding and morally pure dirt farmers. Oh and maybe they should read some of that Jesus stuff instead of Mohamed, not a huge bible thumper but there is difference. Have fun eating sand and swatting flies for eternity assholes. Note to the squeamish, Very graphic and possibly upsetting photos.

At least they didn't make him dig his own hole like the Nazi's used to.

Pricks getting in the coup De Grace because he didn't look dead enough after the first wave of boulders they smashed into his head. Nice country. Nice religion. I hope that pussy was worth it.

MY DAILY BUTTERFACE

2009-12-15T11:14:00.004-05:00

Every morning I drop the kids off at school and every morning I see the stunning, ass, legs and breasts of a mom dropping her kids off. She is always dressed impeccably and her body is tight as a drum as if she does three a days at a gym. I am always simply amazed by her how her ass and legs look in the tight skirts she wears, simply amazing. Then of course, she turns around and chills of douche run up my ass. She isn't just simply an unattractive woman facially, it's that her face is so foreign compared to the body it's attached to. It's almost as if God got confused when building this person and decided to put this face on Megan Fox's body. She looks like a sea hag from the Popeye cartoons. This woman can't be older than thirty five yet she looks like she spent 20 years in the sahara with no sunscreen. It's really kind of crazy. Still, that's what doggie style and paper bags were created for because this woman though cursed with an old hags face still has the most kicking body I've ever seen in the kiddie dropoff lane.

DEATH PANELS CONTINUED

2009-12-13T23:53:00.003-05:00

Sorry middle aged fat moron, you got's to go. There can be no tolerance for someone this gullible and void of reason. I seriously wish there was a huge pit you could just kick these people into and forget they ever sullied my earth. The medieval french had a nice name for it, they called it an oubliette, a small place for forgetting, but it was really what we commonly refer to as a dungeon. Throw this retarded, fat cow down into a fucking dungeon for a month and see it she ever graces us with her numb nuts Palin T again. If she sports that heinous shit another time you roundhouse kick her her dumb fat ass into the bottomless pit of oblivion. I know that's not democracy but I've got a hair thin streak of patience running through me and it's starting to get dangerously frayed. I'm simply sick to death of stupid people. Not that long ago I was introduced to someone by a conservative friend of mine and he said, "This is Ted, he's a raging lefty, but not the kind that eats granola and wears Birkenstocks, he's like Lenin, he'd throw you and your family into a gulag to die of starvation and not think twice about it." My wife was recently reading a news story about the forensic psychologists who did the postmortem on the columbine killers and she laughed and said, "Hey, those columbine kids wrote rants against people that sound a lot like yours." I said, "well you know what they say," great minds think alike."

Now obviously I don't share the nihilism of the pathetically sad, misguided and psychotic columbine killers. They were sociopathic, homicidal maniacs who didn't believe in anyone having any sort of inherent worth. I like people, I like life, I like meeting and chatting with all sorts of people from every kind of backround. I think the world is a beautiful place, I think we all have much more in common than we do differences that separate us. But that being said, I also fervently believe that seriously stupid, ill informed, naive and ignorant people should be kicked into a deep black abyss and left to rot in a big pile of dumb. I want them to cease to exist. I want to wish them into a cornfield.

I don't want a reign of terror that spins out of control feeding on itself and creating an insane purity test that no one can pass. No, that's not me, I don't want a bunch of Rhodes scholars running everything, I just want to eliminate the types of people Jay Leno interviews in the street who don't know who George Washington is and the people who would vote for Sarah Palin. kill them before we all die. It's purely an act of utilitarian consequentialism. I'm giving you all the gift of a moron free life. Merry Christmas!

WHY CHICKS SHOULD JUST SHUT UP SOMETIMES

2009-12-11T15:42:00.005-05:00

This clip from MTV's new culturally and morally heinous show, Jersey Shore, a reality show about retarded guineas on the jersey shore or as MTV puts it, it's all about the "hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos" Normal Italians have already attacked MTV for putting on what amounts to a Meatball minstrel show. Millions of Italians that aren't complete moronswill look at this show and pretty much want to change their last name to Smith or Jones. There's a lot of finger waggin being done in MTV's direction over this series not only because of the stereotypical "Guido" stuff but that MTV is promoting this show with a clip of one of their female cast members getting absolutely crushed by some dude. Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is the annoying chick that catches a quick right hook right in the mush. She gets in the face of obviously unhinged lunatic, and Brooklyn Gym teacher, Brad Ferro who delivers her a nice hot slice of shut the fuck up pie. As Ralph Cramden used to say, "Pow right in the kisser" This crazy bastard got arrested and is now in what the NYC schools calls a "rubber room" where teachers in trouble just sit around until the superintendent can figure out what to with them. I guess Snookie is fine and a little wiser.

I in no way think it's cool to deck a chick like this but it's actually a good lesson for women to learn. Not every guy is gonna just sit there and let a chick talk shit to them. Some of them will kick a chicks ass and there's not too much she can do about it. That's why guys don't get in other guys faces unless they're ready to throw down. Don't mess with someone you don't know unless you think you can take them. Obviously Brad didn't care that Snookie was a chick and half the size of him. The booze probably didn't hurt either. Booze and uncontrollable rage go hand in hand especially in those hot blodded I-talians. She was all liquored up and acting tough because the cameras were around and he was the drunk angry teacher looking to schooled her dumb ass with this educational fist. Lesson learned...I hope.

TED VELVET'S GUIDE TO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

2009-12-10T14:07:00.018-05:00

The Darth Vader toaster
You'll be the coolest geek sitting at the breakfast table at the annual, star wars, science fiction and unmarried virgins convention. Just pack this with your Princess Lea sex doll and you'll be big pimpin' like a jedi as you roll down to the lobby with your own Vader toast. I prefer my toast on the dark side.

Big nose liquid shower gel dispenser
Just squeeze this bad boy and out of his nostrils comes running gunk.
Now rub it all over your body and try not to think about snot.

Connoisseurs of fine beer must let their love be known to all. Nothing says, "I love the champagne of beers" more than this Miller High Life beer case cowboy hat. Put this muthafucka on your head and you are indeed living the high life. keep it classy.

Fisting champion bumper sticker
Like fisting? Want people to know it? Bumper stickers are by far the easiest way to let a ton of people know your likes and dislikes. This fella doesn't just love fisting, he's the champion. He demands respect.

Big man, big truck, big bumper sticker. You're a man, you drive a big truck. There's no way that you're afraid to tell the world how much you love raping sheep. Stay proud, be who you want to be and never ever apologize for it!

Sarah Palin's name in a Jesus fish eating Obama's hope logo. What more could a crazy person want to let the world know of their mental deficiency? This gift is reserved for the people who probably should have been death paneled or aborted or been put to death after the abortion.

Ho,Ho,Hoeeeeaaaaahhgh. Who wants a candy shitting Santa? Don't all raise your hands at once. This is a lovely piece of art that keeps giving and giving and giving at least until all the M&M's run out or until his sphincter shoots out of his ass like a Gecko's tongue. I love you Santa!

Fetus cookie cutter!
Life begins at delicious! Yum, Yum, Yum, I could just eat this little guy up. Don't worry if these little guys come out looking unsightly or damaged, feel free to throw them right into the garbage without any fear of guilt or shame. Don't worry, We'll make more!

If there's snow on the ground it must be Jawa Christmas time. Nothing quite celebrates the birth of our lord and savior than a Jawa holding the death Star. Bleep blorp gazzzap! That mean merry Christmas in Jawanese!

Sperm Bank
Lookig to be fiscally responsible? Come no further. Trying to save money can be a really sticky problem. You don't want to blow your whole wad or end up with with a big load of egg on your face. Keep packing this little guy full of money until it's ready to explode. I know I made my deposit today.

Drunk driving remote control car
Let's face it, sometimes you just gotta drive when you're fucked up. This handy, dandy toy trains you to drive like a drunken ninja so you don't get caught. Let's be honest, is it really even a crime if you don't get caught? of course not. Fill the cup on top of the car with your favorite alcoholic beverage, deliver it to yourself, drink and repeat until you finally wreck. Then you know you've had enough. Remember that feeling and promise never do it in real life.

This is a beer stein that says, "Adult sippy cup." Isn't that crazy funny? No? Ok, ya prick they can't all be gems, Fucking return it asshole. Here's the receipt you fucking ingrate.

Titanic ice cubes!
Near, Far, wherever you are...you can chill your gin and tonic with these little remembrances of the good ol' days. You'll be the king of the world with these cubes that teach the valuable lesson that 1200 people dying is funny as long as it happened a hundred years ago. Can't wait for the zany 9/11 gag gifts of 2101

If you're like me, you want to bring a banana to work but that unseemly yellow peel doesn't match any of your outfits. Well worry no more fellow banana and fashion aficionados. These little banana holders come in multiple colors and save you the embarrassment of being called, "old yellow banana doesn't match your pants cock faced douche" by your coworkers

Yup, I've got a penis and yup, it's huge but guess what? Until I got this book I had no idea what the fuck it was. As Malcolm X said, "You better learn about your penis muthafucka!" Word.

Look, you like baby heads with candles on them and I like baby heads with candles on them, you just don't like all the hassles associated with putting a burning candle on an infants head. It's a lot of work. Well worry no more fellow baby candle sufferers. Now you can have the wonderful sensation of seeing a candle burn and drip wax all over a baby's head and down their blank, expressionless faces without all the crying and wax burns and police investigations.

If you have children you want them to learn to be responsible with money but you also want them to wake up screaming every night because there's a pink, smirking half a face in their room that torments their every sleeping moment. Then this is clearly for you. Saving money while sowing the seeds of untold psychological damage has never been so easy thanks to this bizarre nightmare of a bank.

Do you believe in hope? Do want change you can believe in? Do you like to dance to incredibly fast house music for hours on end while sucking on a pacifier and twirling glow sticks? If so, then this is probably the ecstasy for you. This righteous Obama E will bail you out of that mundane and boring ecstasy and add some color to your life. So drop this brotha from a white mutha. Let the dancing and hugging and whoo! whoo! begin!

Enjoy gardening? Really love left wing, anarcho syndicalist, MIT, linguistic professors? Then this garden Gnome Chomsky is just the thing for you. Don't worry about your gladiolas and azaleas, Gnome Chomsky will defend them from all corporate and post structuralist capitalist slugs, moles and vermin.

Oh yeahhh, time to make the cookies. And when I say, make the cookies, I mean I want to put flour, eggs, butter, baking powder, vanilla extract, raisins, chocolate chips and spices into a bowl, mix that shit up, roll it out on a cookie sheet, press out these molds of people fucking and bake some mother fucking cookies.

Love to Bowl? Lacking pigment in your skin? Have no taste whatsoever? Want to beautify your house? Then you just hit a grand slam bitch! Boom! Keep your Degas lilies and your van Gogh Starry Night's, I think I'll rock the Oil painting of an Albino bowler. Suck on them balls Warhol. You wish you were that guy bowling.

If you love cats as much as most cat owners do but have no ability to maintain any sort of personal relationships or basic hygiene then behold your future! All in the body of a little crazy cat woman action figure. Yes you can count on a life surrounded by more and more adorable fuzz balls that will eat you out of house and home and defecate so frequently you just can't keep up with it all, but not to worry, You'll die happily surrounded by the dozens and dozens of cats whose feces gave you the brain cancer that will eventually kill you.

These are tissues with a funny label. They're just white, regular tissues. They would have been a better gift if they were snot colored and smelled of three week old bronchitis mucus.

Shocked groundhog painting
Ever startle a groundhog? Well I have and this is exactly what they look like just before the car hits one of them or in my case, the rock I threw just misses smashing into its head. Why a shocked groundhog painting for Christmas You might ask? Well I always feel most alive right when a rock I just threw is flying in a perfect trajectory aimed right towards a ground hogs head. The sheer terror in it's little eyes is priceless and I want to remember that feeling...always. Now, thanks to this painting, I can.

Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, ugh, all these days trying to vie for our attention, morphing into one another... I just can't remember which made up, ridiculous holiday I should pretend to care about. Well with all that confusion comes Santa to the rescue. Santa knows all the poor Jewish kids are bored fuckless by their sad imitation of Christmas. Dreidel, Dreidel Dreidel? Santa says nigga please. Stop spinning that shit with them jew letters on it, join the varsity and rock and roll your sad little jewish top with Santa's face and a reindeer on it. Now you've got game Schlomo. Party like it's 5770

Crazy cups!
Drink out of these and people will think you got a nose job! Put the drink down and they'll say, "whaaaaa? I thought you got a nose job?" Raise it up to drink again and they'll totally freak! "Hey wait a minute, your nose is different again!"

Want to dress like a bitch but don't know your size? Does your junk make skirts look all bulgy in the front? Well then this book is here to help you dress to the nines Missy. Author Miss Vera knows that you're not just a gay or straight dude that dreams of wearing ladies clothes and acting all femme, you're a diva! A Star! So strike a pose, tuck back your cock and go suck some dick ya freak.

Honey where's my anal bleach? Why You're soaking in it.
Fellas, Are you tired of staring at a big, ugly, brown eye when you plow from behind? Is your wife turned off by the brown salad she has to toss? If the answer is yes then this is the anal bleaching cream for you. Honey bare butt bleach whitens up that old nasty cornhole and makes it so sparkly you can practically see your reflection in it. That old dirty penny will look so shiny and new you'll be wondering, can I brighten my teeth with this shit too? Don't waste any time, start erasing years of harmful doodie damage today!

The young, the old, they all love stripper pole! Want your preteen daughter to be a southern dirt skank like Miley Cyrus? Then you better run out and get her one of these. No girl's tweenie years will be complete until she learns how to work the pole. There's a future in pole dancing and a lot of money to be made if you can work it like a dirty whore. It's never to early to start. In the near future there will be high school pole dancing teams and colleges will recruit for the sexiest sluts around. You better get on that scholarship train before it rolls off to whore town without your baby girl. Stripper pole!

TIGER WOODS: SEX ADDICT OR ASSHOLE?

2009-12-10T12:08:00.004-05:00

I was watching a clip with Ol' crazy eyes Nancy Grace talking about Tiger and she was basically saying that Tiger better not come out and say he's a sex addict and go into rehab. Nancy believes sex addiction is just a cop out and a convenient retreat from the media when spoiled celebrities get caught playing around. Dr. Drew Pinsky from love lines and celebrity rehab fame says that Nancy Grace is just ignorant on the topic. So is sex addiction real in the first place and is Tiger a sex addict? I 'd have to say that anything done compulsively that endangers your health and family and finances is probably classified as an addiction. Did Tiger endanger his health and his family and his money? Yes. Is he a sex addict? No. I hate to say this, but I think Nancy Grace is right. Tiger, as far as we know, wasn't trying to get random hookups from street walkers and pro's in dirty alleys at weird hours of the night, which is classic sex addict behavior, He was basically dating a lot of women on the side. To me Tiger just wanted to have his cake and eat it and got caught. Just like a million other married dudes. Does that make everyman who cheats and endangers himself and his family is a sex addict? of course not. It's not that his appetite for poon is any greater than mine it was just the availability and the convenience matched with a selfish, spoiled streak, and a sense of entitlement that's different. Tiger had chicks throwing themselves at him and with all the travel and tournaments he was able to be away from his wife a lot of time. He's no more a sex addict than I am. He just acted on all the urges he had because he could. Lucky bastard.

FOCUS? BOFUS?

2009-12-10T02:21:00.006-05:00

Tiger Woods said he wants to focus...Bofus?

Focus? Bofus is the awesome punchline to a racist joke about two black women getting their picture taken by a photographer who stops the shoot in order to get them in focus. So the one black girl says,
"What he say?
And the other girl says,
" He said he wants to focus."
So the first girl says,
"Bofus?"
ha ha ha ha ha ha nothing wrong with a stereotyped African American linguistics joke. Anyway, I saw this sports drink that Tiger Woods "used to" endorse, as in, they just fired his whore banging ass and it reminded me of the joke. Tiger should have chilled out with all the foc-ing. What a mess this knucklehead got himself into. If he wanted to fuck every whore in the world, why on earth would he get married? Stupid spoiled kid. Thought marriage was fun and games. It's anything but. It's a delicate dance of mutual destruction. You try to keep a naturally psychotic female happy while retaining your balls while she tries to chip away at your soul, manipulate through emotional blackmail and berate you until you want to Van Gogh your ears off with a hatchet. Tiger should have known this.

I know I'm beating a dead horse with this but if you're just gonna keep banging every model stripper waitress pornstar from The masters to St. Andrews, then why on earth would you glom onto some Swedish chick and put half of your hard won fortune in her hands? It's fucking insanity. If he never got married he could fuck the entire cast of the ice capades and no one would care. He'd still have all of his endorsements and he wouldn't have a wife whacking him in the head with a golf club nor would he be sequestered in his house like a prisoner with his rage filled wife and collapsing mother-in-law. I feel for the dumb bastard, stuck in the house with a wife that wants to cut his balls off and the mother-in-law? Holy shit, I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and blast my brain into a fucking sand trap.

BROOKLYN BIKE LANES AND HASIDIC JEWS...OY

2009-12-08T23:03:00.011-05:00

I look at Hasidic Jews the way I look at Mormons or the Amish or any other religious subset, I think they should do their thing if that's what makes them happy but they should keep their batshit insanity away from normal people and any attempt by any of these groups to change regulations or laws should be met with a giant, FUCK YOU! I'm not a big fan of the Hasidim. I once sat on a flight from NY to Fort Lauderdale sandwiched in between 12 of them in their black velvet and wool getup's and whatever the fuck giant hats they wear sweating like Pauly Shore at a talent competition. They made me want to wretch into my flight bag from the fucking armpit stink and the unending conversions in a dead language. It made me even more mad that they weren't laying the hardcore kaballa shit on me in English. Were they discussing the secrets of scripture and Talmudic math or where they just counting how many african kids died so they could make money in the diamond trade? Toss up.

Anyway, The hasidic Jews in NYC have a lot of power once they start whining about something. No one wants to anger them because they vote and they donate money and they'll brand you an anti Semite if you don't agree with them which amounts to being labeled a racist or a rapist. In short, if they want something, the city gets it done. Now these stinky, annoying, pricks might know how to control the system but they don't know how to control hipsters. The only thing more obnoxious than Hassidic jews in Williamsburgh Brooklyn is the never ending sea of hipsters. At least Hasidim believe in something, the only thing hipsters believe in is coffee and ironic thrift shop couture. That said, hipsters do share one thing with Hasidic Jews; they both fervently believe in adorning themselves in woolen skull caps and furry hats no matter what the weather may be.

So to the main story. It seems the Hasidic Jews in Williamsburg made the city erase the painted bike lanes that were on the street because the 14th century, ridiculous version of Judaism they follow doesn't allow them to look at chicks on bikes or something.

"Scantily clad hipster cyclists attracted to the Brooklyn neighborhood made it difficult, the Hasids said, to obey religious laws forbidding them from staring at members of the opposite sex in various states of undress. These riders also were disobeying the traffic laws, they complained." They also claimed all the bike traffic was unsafe for their seriously ugly, inbred, Hasidic children. Now I know how awful that sounds and I come off sounding like Hitler but lets get real, the children of Hasiic jews are swimming in a very limited and shallow gene pool and often come out looking like the albino, reggae singer yellowman.
But something happened on the way to shiksa-less, bike-less streets. The Brooklyn Hipsters fought back and repainted the bike lanes that the Hasidim had the city wipe away. Now you've got a full on war between two equally annoying sets of jerks. It's a civil war of one baffling ideology against another. The black trenchcoat and beard vs the REO Speedwagon concert Tee and 12 speed Schwinn. Even though this pains me, i must come down on the side of the hipster. The hipsters are American citizens and deserve to use any bike lane the US government deems essential, even if an extra douchebaggish Jewish clan complains about it. When all is said and done, This isn't the west bank, you can't make hipsters go away like the PLO did.
Baruch Herzfeld, who has tried to bridge the gap between hipsters and Hasids with a bike-rental program, said safety is not the issue so much as xenophobia."They don't want the hipsters in their neighborhood," he said. "It's like in Howard Beach back in the day when they didn't want black people in the neighborhood."

Shame of those anti-hipsteretic jews. Shame, shame, shame

Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/bike_war_paint_g7EizkFEZktV3IlNUJosQM#ixzz0ZAEVDmRO

THIS CHRISTMAS... GIVE HER ROOFIES

2009-12-08T13:10:00.003-05:00

Nothing says "I love you" like giving your woman a big sex pillow with a date rape drug emblazoned on it. Between this and the leopard skin snuggie, my wife is gonna be one happy little lady this christmas.

GREATEST CHRISTMAS CARD EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVER!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-07T12:44:00.003-05:00

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PEDOPHILE WHEN...

2009-12-07T11:48:00.003-05:00

...You hire someone to paint this for you. Michael Jackson may be dead but his insane penchant to be surrounded by tiny, naked, children remains. I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead but fuck this child molesting pederast right in his dead, bleached white, cornhole. What kind of insane prick would have someone paint this for them? Why so many naked white boys? I know they're cherubs but one man's angel is another man's baby gang bang. It doesn't take a genius to look at this and see a sick mind at work, but I'm sure his defenders will come up with idiotic excuses about how he was just, "Unique" and "eccentric" You know who else was unique? Jeffery Dhamer. Keeping the severed heads you drilled into and poured battery acid into to turn people into gay sex slaves in your freezer is a very unique thing to do. Just like giving little kids booze in coke cans and having slumber parties with rooms full of broken home white boys and thinking your peter pan is "Unique." Here's actually the easiest way of proving Michael Jackson was a pedophile. He was rich and didn't surround himself with women. Sure, he got married, but those chicks were shams. Rock Hudson was married once. The fact that he was the most famous entertainer in the world and at one point had more money than god , but wasn't having pool parties filled with strippers and models and porn stars like every other red blooded hetero sexual would do, is proof enough. Instead of whore starlets, he chose to surround himself with Webster and McCauley Culkin and Corey Feldman, and countless other young boys. Pedophile. Burn in hell perv.

BRETT FAVRE IS STILL A DILDO SALESMAN

2009-12-07T01:26:00.004-05:00

Had a good laugh watching Brett Favre last night against the Cardinals revert back to the Brett Favre I know and love, the bad decision making throwing picks holding onto the ball too long, losing the game Brett. Now I know he's been having a great year. He's only thrown five interceptions, compared to 26 touchdowns that's pretty awesome, but I knew if I waited and was patient and if teams started playing the Vikings a little tougher, the picks would come. I don't like anything more than being right and anyone who has watched his long career knows that Brett Favre is an interception machine. If football is deterministic and the universal laws of physics control all things, then it is a physical law that the ball will be snapped, each player will go to his prescribed position and then Brett Favre will throw it to the wrong guy. All things eventually revert to their true nature. The Earth revolves around the sun, Brett throws picks. But all this discourse on philosophy is boring. I like to spice things up by sticking to my my true nature.

It is my fate, my nature if you will, to be an all knowing cock, so when someone attacks me, even if they might have some minor, legitimate point to make, it is in my nature to smack them down. If someone rises up, I bring down the hammer and crush them, it's that simple. Anyway, some little, Madden 2010, Xbox nerd didn't like me bad mouthing his bitch Brett Favre so he wrote this.
"Insulting Brett Favre looks pretty smart... with his 24 touchdowns and 3 interceptions thus far...get a clue clown!"
I didn't take kindly to this so I responded in kind.
"Hey Fuck you asshole... Why don't you go play your fantasy football and jerk off to Brett Favre in your mom's basement ya gay douche."
Now that Brett looked like shit on national television and suffered a good beating, I will further insult this little cocksmoke.

Hey you, person that told me to get a clue... Brett Favre sold a used dildo to your whore mom, and she sticks it in your dad's ass. Ya better recognize bitch. Have a nice day.

WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW TEBOW?

2009-12-06T01:43:00.006-05:00

This pious crybaby pisses me off. For those of you not in the know, this is Tim Tebow quarterback for the Florida Gators. The Gators were ranked #1 in college football and played the #2 Alabama Crimson Tide. Well all his bible quoting eyeblack and supposed virginity couldn't save the Gators or Tim Tebow from getting their asses handed to them by Alabama. A win would have meant a possible national championship but now that title will most likely go to Alabama or Texas. Tebow didn't like being on the wrong side of this defeat and blubbered and cried like a little baby on the sideline. Not very christian leader like. You've got a heisman you've won the national championship so why all the Crying? Maybe it was losing the 2nd Heisman and 2nd National championship all in one night. What would Job say? Tsk, Tsk, ever heard of counting your blessings ya soon to be, multi millionaire, NFL quarterback cryass? There's no doubt Tebow is a great quarterback and a great athlete and seems like a genuinely nice guy but the holy roller shit gets on my nerves. The bible eye black, the constant talk of my lord and savior, after a while it seems like a sales pitch. Like a guy who constantly talks about how much he loves his wife and then goes and fucks around behind her back. I just don't trust people who feel the need to constantly kiss God's ass. It always appears fishy to me. You love Jesus? Good for you, well done. Does it make you better a person? Does it make you feel good? Does it lead you to be to good to others? If the answer is yes then that's wonderful now keep it to yourself. I know some of these Uber christians feel they are duty bound to constantly proselytize and convert the heathen masses but Tebow comes across a little bit like a dustbowl huckster. The roving preacher who throws touchdown passes and quotes scripture by day and then goes and does God only knows what behind closed doors by night. In Tebow's case, he probably likes the cock. Now of course I have nothing to go on here I'm sure he's not gay. After all, He's a big, tough, quarterback... but he's got lots Of H.O.G. and H.O.G. ain't a big dick, it's Hints Of Gayness. He's got gaymouth and gay speak so to me that's enough to assholishly with no evidence whatsoever brand him a sodomite. Hey, it's what I do. This might be why he talks about remaining a virgin and constantly mentions jesus, it's a good way to cover up the gay.

Here's a clip of him crying, listen to how he speaks... nice guy but sounds kinda gay

EXCUSE ME STEWARDESS? CAN I CHANGE MY SEAT?

2009-12-04T11:03:00.003-05:00

Now that must be a long muthafuckin flight. I once sat next to a little old lady on a prop plane on a flight from Philadelphia to Long Island. There was a pretty tremendous thunderstorm that night so while the plane dipped and pitched and was jostled around the old lady filled bag after bag with a seemingly endless supply of vomit. When we first sat next to each other she bragged about how she's been flying since forever and how used to go down on Amelia Earhart but once that plane took off she wretched and heaved until her old bones were smoking from all of the friction caused by her vomitous convulsions. Being a total prick I couldn't help but laugh and ask her if she needed anything...warm orange juice, cold runny eggs, oysters? She did not laugh.
Anyway, I thought that flight lasted forever and it was only about an hour and twenty minutes. I can't imagine what it's like to either be this enormous fuck stuffed into a seat on a long flight or to be the poor bastard stuck next to this gigantic pile of shit. If you are this big you have no right getting on a plane in coach, either shell out for business class or drive your fat ass where ever the fuck it is your planning on crushing. Actually these heinous bastards are supposed to buy two seats to park their ridiculous asses, but this guy managed to squeeze his way onto the plane with only one seat. You can almost see the plane pitching to the right about to careen off into a mountain. I love the guy sitting next to him looking at the giant glob as if saying, "What the fuck did I do to deserve this hellish fart ride?" If I was on this plane I would not stop laughing at the poor guy stuck next to the behemoth. That fat guy's ass must be in severe pain by the end of the flight with one hunk of his rotund behind embedded on the hand rest. There but for the grace of God fly I.

TED'S HEROIC QUEST: TED BUYS A COMPUTER AT WAL-MART part 1

2009-12-03T23:55:00.008-05:00

I arose early bound on a righteous crusade to penetrate the black heart of a formidable and dangerous territory to retrieve a tool so powerful it can unleash all the secrets and knowlege of the universe. I knew the land I had to enter and I feared it, yet I went anyway for I was on a quest. I had been there before and knew all to well it's ability to unleash ghastly psychic trauma as well as untold dangers unto my person. Yes, I had previously traversed its twisted labyrinth of perils but this foray into the forbidden territory left me filled with a sense of dread I had never felt so keenly before. This morning was different.

I rode solitary upon the land and covered by the cloak of night remained unseen. I stepped down from my powerful steed and cautiously approached the glowing citadel. The flickering, grayish blue light that always, sadly, illuminates this wasteland remained unchanged but somehow the passing of time and the oncoming of winter had brought forth even more treacheries. Those that occupy the dark land had grown in force and had become legion. Large, hideous porcine beings leered through toothless grins that hung upon sagging glycerin soaked faces. Blotches, pock marks and boils rose like a grease soaked landscape from the visages that lay sagging upon their massive heads that lolled and rolled like buoys floating on waves upon the stumps of their swollen necks. Their gelatinous, corpulent forms created great, bulbous mounds that pushed forcefully against tight fabrics causing hideous gaps where pale flesh burst out and oozed forth like great white globs of runny glue. They moved slowly in the strange vehicles they sat upon which let out a piercing beep when traveling backwards.

I tried in vain not to look upon them but they swarmed and encircled me like a pod of sick whales caught in a deadly tidal pool. Gaseous outbursts emitted from their stinking forms causing great clouds of foul air so hideous the vomitous stench was more than I could bare. I had no choice but to retreat. I launched a furious fusillade of wild, face crushing kicks and rushed passed my awestruck, bloodied, tormentors who stared stunned and gapemouthed at the unimaginable violence I so quickly unleashed upon their soft, dull, soggy faces and round, apelike, skulls. My eyes darted about nervously, feverishly looking for refuge until I froze dead in my tracks. My eyes locked on the perfect face of a raven haired beauty. She smiled at me and silently beckoned for me to join her. I wasted no time and raced to her side. She took me back into a secret room and bade me to lie down upon bear skin rugs. She brought me sweet wine, sat at my feet and softly stroked my leg. She spoke not a word but looked up at me with her large dark eyes so longingly that her silence spoke volumes. I had sought refuge and I found it... in her vagina .

end of part 1

THE GRAVEYARD OF EMPIRES

2009-12-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

Obama's gonna send 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan and people are cryin' and a whine n' and a blubberin' like gay babies. Obama wants to put a time constraint on this whole disaster so he's an idiot to the warmongers and warmonger to the idiots. On the left, and some on the right, like George Will you have people that want to cut bait and get the fuck out right now regardless of circumstances. On the Right you have peolple like John McCain and Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck that want a war that never ends, an open commitment to continuously pump american money and bodies into a shithole pile of fucking rocks that belongs in the 14th century.

Obama couldn't just pull out, he couldn't take George W. Bush's massive sin of omission, the forgotten war fuck up and just leave because it would all be pinned on him. I can hear Fox news now. Obama cuts and runs, he's a coward, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, in the last seven years Bush and Company did nothing to either help Afghanistan build itself up nor did they do enough to destroy the Taliban. There was no pressure put on Pakistan to go into their tribal regions to kill the lice covered jihadist cocksuckers that they created. They just left a few troops and said, "Have fun, don't lose." Since Obama has been president if you count the new 30,000, he has added almost 70,000 troops into Afghanistan, add to that number all the privateer, Blackwater mercenaries and NATO troops and there's about 200,000 people performing security details, trying to hold down the fort and hunting down the Taliban. While this is going on, the CIA has operatives and drone planes waging a secret war in Pakistan striking camps that sometimes have terrorists in them and sometimes have civilians getting married. Either way Obama has upped the war to new heights and yet people are still griping at a guy who has been president less than a year.

I've heard supposed intelligent people say that if you put a set date on troop withdrawal then the Taliban will just sit around for two years and do nothing while the government and it's security forces get trained and build up their power base in peace. Yeah, that makes sense. The Taliban loves sitting around doing nothing. The only other option to the people who want an open ended commitment is to stay for twenty years and pump in 250,000 troops without any way of knowing that you'll eventually succeed. That ain't gonna happen. I've heard others say that the whole fiasco is unwinnable so putting more troops in just making them targets and gets more people killed so don't even bother. These people I guess want us to leave and let the same assholes that attacked us on 9/11 have their safe haven back so they can wave goodbye to our fleeing helicopters as they chop off karzi's head. I think Obama has done the only practical thing he can do, Pump in more troops and civilian government personnel to fight the taliban and hunt Al Qaeda and do the rebuilding and government projects that should have been done years ago while arming and training the tribes that hate the Taliban to destroy them. Hopefully you bring the Taliban into some sort of bargaining and you get the fuck out telling anyone who'll listen that you won the war. At least you leave the place somewhat capable of fighting off the more insane elements within its borders while leaving some special forces and drone planes to attack anything that might need a good killing. Then you say, "We won!" and get the fuck out. That's the best we can hope for.

TIGER SHOULD HAVE ASKED HIMSELF; HOW MUCH IS THIS PIECE OF ASS WORTH?

2009-12-03T09:02:00.006-05:00

A shit load. Tiger got his hand caught in this tight as fuck cookie jar and now is reportedly paying off his wife with piles of cash to stay Mrs. Tiger Woods. Note to Tiger: get divorced, pay off wife, bang sluts like this until Jesus returns to smite us all.

Now that's a nice tight package but c'mon its not worth millions. I might shell out a few bucks for a movie and a couple of beers, maybe some sort of spicy chicken wrap at chili's to hit that, but that's about it. As Lord Chesterfield said, "Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable."

In the end, when it's over, you pounded her like a piece of cheap veal and scattered your seed upon her, you layed there and talked about how wonderful it was, eventually you have to creep out of there and hope and pray there are no negative ramifications. You have to hope that she doesn't talk or get clingy or act crazy and that you don't get caught. You betrayed your wife and put your marriage and fortune in jeopardy, don't you think jerking off would have been a more constructive way to spend your time? Or how about this, get the wife, the one your paying all that money to, to do the crazy sex shit that she's supposed to. Tiger is to blame for cheating but it takes two and if the wife woke him up everyday with some mouth time and sent him off with a drained pipe, he wouldn't have had as much juice in the tank to play around with. So in the end it's really the wife's fault.

MEREDITH BAXTER BIRNEY ENJOYS VAGINA

2009-12-02T09:31:00.004-05:00

The Queen of the Lifetime channel has made her sapphic ways known to the world. yes, Michael J. Fox's mom digs chicks. She may have been married three times but this woman is all about the ladies, she just didn't realize it until she was 60. This is a little frightening to me, it's not frightening because she's a lesbian, it's frightening because I don't want to turn sixty and all the sudden get a hankering for gobbling balls. I don't want to wake up and feel drawn to hit the local park and ride to rim job old man ass. That would ruin my golden years. She actually had her first gal on gal fling in her late forties but didn't really realize she was a lesbian until after another failed marriage and a new lady in her fifties. So if I'm not blowing dudes in the next few years I think I'm safe from an old age of wearing super tight, sparkly T shirts, dancing to house music and tying my sphincter in a knot so it doesn't fall out of my ass.

I find it interesting that many older women are becoming lesbians after years of heterosexuality. I think it just shows you that men and women basically have nothing in common so after the kids are born and raised and out of the house mom is just like, fuck you asshole, I'm sick of you and your saggy balls, I'm gonna go snuggle with my friend Greta and we'll talk about feelings and hormone replacement therapy and other women stuff until we die. See ya.

TIGER WOODS REMINDS ALL MEN WHY DEREK JETER IS A GOD

2009-12-01T21:45:00.003-05:00

I'm all for marriage and kids...maybe...well kinda. If I was rich and famous things would be very different. I would never, ever, get married. Why the hell would I? Love? I could still find a girl to love. And then I'd find another girl and then another girl and then another girl. I'd never get off the hot women choo choo train. Why would I? Even if I wanted to have a kid, I'd find a super smart, hot chick, knock her up, pay her off and then take the kid. Simple.

Tiger Woods is more wealthy than half the nations in the world and he stupidly decided to "settle down" with one chick. One decent looking chick with big tits. Pretty fucking Stupid. Now if Tiger was actually as boring as he comes across and was really a one a woman guy then fine, have fun, settle down and be bored with your enormous jawed, nordic, wife but apparently Tiger is a 20 under par when it comes to chasing poon. Tiger should have worked this out ahead of time with his wife. He should have given her a prenup explicitly stating that she get's to be super rich and have a nice, easy, exciting, life if she bares his children and stays good looking, he gets to go through women like buckets of balls at the driving range. That would be the smart thing to have done but somehow Tiger's wife got it in her head that her young, rich, superstar husband was gonna be happy with just her...that's some ego on that bitch. With that lunacy in her head she decided to show her shock at his putting on someone else's green by taking a 3 wood to his head. That's some gratitude for ya. Out of all the whores Tiger plowed his way through he picks out this one and decides to make her his queen and what does he get for his generosity? A crazy jealous woman chasing him down the street with a Ben Hogan in her naive, bruised ego hand. Now Tiger's got evey chick he ever texted or played grabass with coming out of the woodwork to ruin his lie.

Now his wife will either be forced to divorce him out of pride where she'll get a huge payday but be alone and without the glamorous life or she'll suck it up and stand next to him like an asshole at his press conference while he mea culpa's about what a bad boy he's been and cries about how much he loves his wife...then the payment and torture really begin. He's stuck with a wife that is humiliated and wants to torch his sack while he sleeps and she's got a husband she can't trust for shit. It's a lose, lose. He never should married her.

Only Derek Jeter seems to understand this. He's hit every superior piece of loose tang around and though he settles down for a while, in the end, he always seems to be moving on to the next base. Right now it looks like the chick he's been dating might ruin his average and bench him but I still hold out hope that he'll work the count and draw a walk.

RONALD REAGAN'S CORPSE RETURNS TO LEAD THE GOP...AND EAT BRAINS

2009-12-01T10:38:00.004-05:00

Not that big a stretch. The deification of Reagan is pretty insane considering that if he was around today the tea party folks would be looking to run a "real" conservative against him. In Sarah Palin's stupid book she jumps on the Reagan train and talks about how Reagan would never raise taxes and Reagan would never increase the deficit and Reagan would never run from a fight against terrorism except of course he did all three of those things. But for Sarah and most of her ignorant ilk, a good fantasy beats the facts every time.

THE THINGS TED DOESN'T "GET"

2009-11-30T12:03:00.008-05:00

Back up dancers

Why do pop singers that work in the dance genre always have to have 3 or 4 or 15 dancers behind them doing the same exact thing? Madonna, Janet Jackson, Beyonce, Brittney, they all do the same exact thing. Sing a song, dance around with 5 dancers better than them aping their moves. Kinda old, kinda stupid, don't get it.

Married with children

Now I know this is show is old and not very important in the big scheme of things but I basically harangued my cousin's wife this weekend over her appreciation for it. "How can you like this idiotic shit?" I asked incredulously. "I like it because I don't have to think." Her husband comes in, I ask him the same question, "I like it cause I don't have to think." Now this confuses me because generally we all laugh at the same shows and movies and I wouldn't say any of them make my brain kick into high gear. But I let them explain how awesome a show it is because of all the non-thinking it enables. Again, I don't get the not thinking thing, but I'll trust them and take them at their word that liking this show requires a non thinking brain. I'm no genius but I think the task of not thinking to enjoy a pile of crap is not in my portfolio. I like to keep my wheels spinning and if I'm watching something that insults my limited intelligence I don't laugh, I get mad. I like stupid humor but I don't like humor that is stupid. I always thought this show, with it's telegraphed setup's, hackneyed punchlines and canned laughter could only be appreciated by sub-moronic dipshits but time and time again, people I actually like, tell me they like this pile of crap. Now either there's something wrong with me,
( there isn't) or I'm I'm too much of a snob ( sheer ludicrousness bordering on the preposterous)
or the people I like are just a lot dumber than I thought they were ( possible), or maybe, there's a third choice. Maybe it's just subjective and these people have valid reasons for enjoying it, (I hate this third option by the way) but maybe there's just something about this asshole, cock in the mouth show I just don't get .

NASCAR

Cars going really fast in a circle for a few hours while rednecks watch and get drunk. I get the premise, I get the explosions and the speed, I just don't get why anyone would give a shit.
I like car crashes as much as the next guy but as a sporting event to watch on TV or a thing to travel to go see live, I just don't get it.

Anime

Japanese animation on Japanese shows. I don't get why anyone would watch this crap. It's the most god awful, flat, choppy, cold looking shit. My kids are stupid but even they're not stupid enough to watch this shit. I don't get what the fuck a pokemon is or a bakugon or an Avatar, any of it. As soon as I see a freakishly huge round eyed cartoon character I change the channel. I've sat through a couple of shows with my kids and was as confused about whatever the hell was going on as they appeared to be. Leave it up to the crazy ass Japanese to invent a form of animation so lifeless and bizarre. This should earn them another nuking.

Men's designer jeans

This was discussed at my house over the weekend. I am the least fashionable person I know, I wear Levi's that cost 30 bucks and I think I have a pair of Eddie Bauer jeans I don't wear. That's all I really need in the jeans dept. Men shouldn't need sissified fancy jeans. Gay, don't get it.

BIG FAT LADY HAS BIG FAT BABY

2009-11-30T11:26:00.003-05:00

Some lard ass in Minnesota just crapped out this 15 1/2 pound kid. After the kid came out a minivan also flopped out of her 55 inch vagina. They named him Axel as in how much axel grease did it take to pull this fat little bastard out of his mother's ass?

BOOZE AND FOOD, FOOD AND BOOZE AND THEN SOME BOOZE

2009-11-30T00:59:00.004-05:00

Well, still alive after cramming and swilling and then swilling and heaving and swilling some more. Long mofo weekend. I ate and drank more crap in the last 5 days then I had in 5 months. Thanksgiving, my son's birthday party, my cousins, my in laws and my appetite for destruction all played a part in making me now feel like a bloated boozebag. Still, I had a pretty swell time. I Had thanksgiving dinner at my sisters house on thursday. Foolishly, I arrived on an empty stomach and drank a lot more than I ate, which turned out to be not such a great thing. If you happened to be behind my car on I-91 north around 10:00 pm thanksgivings night, well, you just may have received a little bit of Ted's special, chunky, red wine and turkey regurgitation on your windshield. Sorry about that, my bad. Beer and a few bottles of Pinot Noir on a mostly empty stomach didn't work out so well for ol' Ted, but like a trooper, I rallied on Friday in time for the visit from cousin uncle Kyle and his extra sweet, extra mammalian, wife and my Bro. The big K brought his wife's delicious leftover turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes so we all made some juicy sandwiches. Many drinks were had, more snacks and food and mounds of pigs in blankets eaten, Anchorman was watched, laughter ensued, more beers were drunk, then it goes black. My cousin and I wake up on our respectful couches around 3:45 am, clean up the array of empties and assorted filth, go to our beds and snore and fart until sat morn when it's time to eat a pound of turkey bacon (always thinking of my health) clean myself and my house and get ready for my son's, bowl-o-Rama 5th birthday party. Kyle and Bro go out, I eat a bacon on toast sandwich, Kyle and bro come back with donuts, I eat two. Time to bowl.

The Bowling is fun but there is no booze sold at this particular bowling alley until 4:00 pm which blows but they have pizza... shitty pizza so I only have 1 slice, I have to leave bowling alley mid frame to pick up post bowling party deli trays and food and beer and return home to start setting up for the drinking and eating. 4:35 eating and drinking re-ensues. As advertised there's drinking and eating and college football and cake and ice cream and food and beer. Somewhere around 2:00 am, I eat two ham sandwiches, wake up my cousin, swill my last beer and go to bed. My son is in my bed awake and crying about a cramp in his leg, I stay up talking with him until he konks out from motrin at 3:30am. Wake up sunday around 10:30, sit around, eventually pick up lunch, eat more shit, watch the jets actually win a game. Say goodbye to cousin and wife at 4:30. Watch more football, eat more stuff. 1:30 am I write this andI go to bed. Tomorrow I will give myself an enema with fire hydrant, sit in sauna for 6 hours, practice anorexia and re-introduce myself to the gym.